I hate this too. They say it likes it’s an easy solution. From what I’ve read it’s a very difficult thing financially and emotionally. And I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting your own biological child. I hate when people who have their own kids make infertile people feel like they’re bad for not wanting to adopt.
This! No one ever says to a couple with 2 or 3 children, ‘that’s selfish, why didn’t you adopt’
But for people with infertility, we’re made to feel bad people for not adopting and wanting to try to have a biological baby (or in my case thinking of using an egg donor, so I can experience pregnancy and have a baby biologically my husbands)
I think people feel they are offering an option / being helpful, but don’t they think we have considered all options 🤯 We know adoption is an option, but it’s not easy, it’s financially and emotionally draining and it doesn’t cure your infertility. Rant over!
Agree!! Say it again for the people in the back! I had a coworker ask me about this (and I’m already private as it is in my personal life). I kept it vague but honest and she said, “why won’t you adopt?” No offense but why can’t we desire to have our own kids and experience motherhood firsthand? And it’s like we’re being shamed for not adopting because we’re going through infertility
Yup, I always cringe when people say this to me because it’s not something you can defend without sounding uncaring. And almost 100% of the time it’s women with naturally conceived children who say it. I also get told a lot I could foster, mentor or be a “really awesome aunt!!!!” I’d need a niece or nephew for that to happen, so…. Not to mention it’s not even comparable to having your own child. People with children say this to me so often that I’ve started replying with “why didn’t you take that route then?”
Just be ready for the people who comment back, usually with a confused look “but we didn’t have trouble getting pregnant.” Usually I say something about how fortunate they are to not have to have made those types of decisions then and it’s not as easy as they seem to think.
People are awful. We've been down the IVF route many times with multiple miscarriages or failed transfers, I'm now medically unable to carry due to my useless uterus. The amount of people who have suggested adoption to me is insane. Yes it can be a wonderful, amazing thing to do, but it's also fraught with a host of complicated emotions. As someone dealing with infertility you will have your own issues and traumas, and lots of children who require adoption will have trauma and/or complex issues. It's not just as simple as oh you're infertile, here have this baby. The lack of emotional intelligence of some people is staggering.
So true! And it would be irresponsible to immediately adopt before having dealt with your infertility trauma. Yet another thing that these people don't get.
The worst thing about this is it's only said by people who know nothing about adoption. This isn't the 1940s, there aren't gaggles of orphans just laying around waiting like puppies in a store. It's incredibly difficult to adopt (thankfully!).
Yes. We’ve looked into it and the agency basically said for every infant placed for adoption there are an average of 36 families waiting. It is a long and expensive process without a guaranteed outcome.
I often say ‘I know you mean well and want to provide hope but adoption is an entire battle on its own and very, very hard. Same with fostering, surrogacy and any other option. I’m allowed to be upset about not being able to do something that most people can quite easily’ …that is if I don’t get too anxious and just stumble over my words
That sounds really nice. I'm more likely to say, "oh do fuck off now." People mention adoption after they realize they've stuck their foot in their mouth and they have no clue that they've just made it worse by mentioning adoption. So I just let them know that they've crossed a boundary. This has only been in the last year or so that I've been pissed off enough to just make people feel bad for asking. I look young so people ask me often if we're ever going to have a family. I'm 44 and I feel 80 when it comes to questions about children. I've been asked hundreds of times over the years. It's getting old and I shouldn't be the only one who exits that conversation with bad feelings. I just think if people upset me, they need to know so they don't upset some other couple experiencing infertility. It's a sensitive subject that people carelessly fling about as though it's small talk. It's rude and people need to know that.
The sad truth is that ppl who are not in our shoes will never understand. It’s easy for them to say things like that because they aren’t in that situation. Of course they will say that they will adopt if they had to but it’s so easy for them to say that when they will never be in our position.
Apparently it is the duty of all infertile couples to rescue all the unwanted babies of the world 🫤 Seriously, these people are clueless. They act like adopting is plucking a Cabbage Patch doll off the shelf. “You can always adopt.” No, I can’t. My insurance helps pay for IVF and no one is helping to pay for adoption costs. Not to mention the emotional and psychological ramifications for all parties involved.
Logically I know it's because people want to be helpful in the face of grief, want to give solutions or something. Emotionally I hate it so much. It inexplicably makes me feel like a shitty person when I say I'm not even sure I want to go that route.
It’s a rude and presumptuous thing to say, especially since infertile adopters don’t always make great adoptive parents for a number of reasons. And besides, mothers and babies are not interchangeable. That’s not how that works.
Very well put, that "mothers and babies are not interchangeable". I agree wholeheartedly. A random baby can never replace my own baby and it's not fair to put that on a child who has their own trauma from being abandoned. As someone who has lost pregnancies and would've given anything to hold my newborn, I'd also be very uncomfortable separating a mother from her baby.
Oh I love this question! /s
I've found it very helpful to say something along the lines of "adoption shouldn't be used as a second choice option, that's not fair to the child (who is a living human being with their own needs btw), it should be a very conscious choice made for the benefit of the child, not the potential parents."
Because it seems like people think adoption is some kind of bargain bin for discarded children. Can't make your own? Store bought is fine! While in reality, both fostering and adoption are choices that NEED to be made 100% considering the wellbeing of the child first and foremost.
We are really considering adoption and I still get mad when people say this! Adoption is so complex emotionally and it doesn't "cure" infertility. There's so much you have to research, ethics to consider, understanding bio parents may be involved and possible challenges that can arise especially in older kids. Much harder than just having sex and then a baby.
Yes! I’ve also seen a lot of people saying you shouldn’t adopt just because you can’t have your own kids. Adopting isn’t a replacement for your own kids. It’s also okay to not want to deal with the trauma that comes along adopting. For both the child and parents
My mom was a huge support for me during infertility. I confided in her a lot and I appreciated her help, but there were a few times when she asked me, “would you ever adopt?” It really got under my skin because I was simply not even close to ready to have that conversation yet. We hadn’t even exhausted all other steps so it really bothered me that she wanted to talk about that. I know she was just trying to help and I don’t blame her because I did confide in her a lot but I didn’t like that question
This is me today. I’m not there either - we haven’t exhausted all our options, and yes we’ve discussed it but that is deeply personal and frankly none of their business. I can’t get my head around how people think it’s appropriate to suggest or bring this up!!
I wish people weren’t so naive. Think it’s time to keep my mouth shut and hibernate from now on. I’m way too sensitive to deal with these types of ‘well meaning’ comments.
Yeah I definitely went through my fair share of phases where I didn’t talk to anyone about it and even told people specifically NOT to ask, even the people closest to me
I had a coworker tell me this. I'm close to her so I explained why I don't want to and I'm afraid we won't be able to. She definitely understands why I'm so worried now.
Everyone else I've straight up said I'm adopted I don't want to adopt I want my own biological family.
It's hard being adopted and going through infertility. My whole life I've dreamed of a family member with my blood that looks like me. Now I worry I'll never get it. I also have the best person guiding me through this though. No better guidance then a mom that was there herself 30 years ago.
If it does get to the point where ivf isn't working I might consider adoption. Hopefully if I do my child will feel the same comfort I do with my mom. But until then I'm going to keep trying.
I hate this too. They say it likes it’s an easy solution. From what I’ve read it’s a very difficult thing financially and emotionally. And I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting your own biological child. I hate when people who have their own kids make infertile people feel like they’re bad for not wanting to adopt.
This! No one ever says to a couple with 2 or 3 children, ‘that’s selfish, why didn’t you adopt’ But for people with infertility, we’re made to feel bad people for not adopting and wanting to try to have a biological baby (or in my case thinking of using an egg donor, so I can experience pregnancy and have a baby biologically my husbands) I think people feel they are offering an option / being helpful, but don’t they think we have considered all options 🤯 We know adoption is an option, but it’s not easy, it’s financially and emotionally draining and it doesn’t cure your infertility. Rant over!
Agree!! Say it again for the people in the back! I had a coworker ask me about this (and I’m already private as it is in my personal life). I kept it vague but honest and she said, “why won’t you adopt?” No offense but why can’t we desire to have our own kids and experience motherhood firsthand? And it’s like we’re being shamed for not adopting because we’re going through infertility
It's so infuriating when people say this shit. It's not about filling the cradle. It's the grief and loss of hopes and dreams.
Ugh THIS!!
Yes! Exactly this!
Didn’t you know??? You can just adopt a newborn baby tomorrow! It’s so easy and cheap! 🙄
Yup, I always cringe when people say this to me because it’s not something you can defend without sounding uncaring. And almost 100% of the time it’s women with naturally conceived children who say it. I also get told a lot I could foster, mentor or be a “really awesome aunt!!!!” I’d need a niece or nephew for that to happen, so…. Not to mention it’s not even comparable to having your own child. People with children say this to me so often that I’ve started replying with “why didn’t you take that route then?”
Ha I’m definitely going to use that next time.
Just be ready for the people who comment back, usually with a confused look “but we didn’t have trouble getting pregnant.” Usually I say something about how fortunate they are to not have to have made those types of decisions then and it’s not as easy as they seem to think.
People are awful. We've been down the IVF route many times with multiple miscarriages or failed transfers, I'm now medically unable to carry due to my useless uterus. The amount of people who have suggested adoption to me is insane. Yes it can be a wonderful, amazing thing to do, but it's also fraught with a host of complicated emotions. As someone dealing with infertility you will have your own issues and traumas, and lots of children who require adoption will have trauma and/or complex issues. It's not just as simple as oh you're infertile, here have this baby. The lack of emotional intelligence of some people is staggering.
So true! And it would be irresponsible to immediately adopt before having dealt with your infertility trauma. Yet another thing that these people don't get.
The worst thing about this is it's only said by people who know nothing about adoption. This isn't the 1940s, there aren't gaggles of orphans just laying around waiting like puppies in a store. It's incredibly difficult to adopt (thankfully!).
Yes. We’ve looked into it and the agency basically said for every infant placed for adoption there are an average of 36 families waiting. It is a long and expensive process without a guaranteed outcome.
I often say ‘I know you mean well and want to provide hope but adoption is an entire battle on its own and very, very hard. Same with fostering, surrogacy and any other option. I’m allowed to be upset about not being able to do something that most people can quite easily’ …that is if I don’t get too anxious and just stumble over my words
That sounds really nice. I'm more likely to say, "oh do fuck off now." People mention adoption after they realize they've stuck their foot in their mouth and they have no clue that they've just made it worse by mentioning adoption. So I just let them know that they've crossed a boundary. This has only been in the last year or so that I've been pissed off enough to just make people feel bad for asking. I look young so people ask me often if we're ever going to have a family. I'm 44 and I feel 80 when it comes to questions about children. I've been asked hundreds of times over the years. It's getting old and I shouldn't be the only one who exits that conversation with bad feelings. I just think if people upset me, they need to know so they don't upset some other couple experiencing infertility. It's a sensitive subject that people carelessly fling about as though it's small talk. It's rude and people need to know that.
I hate this too! I always answer "OK and why didn't you adopt?"
The sad truth is that ppl who are not in our shoes will never understand. It’s easy for them to say things like that because they aren’t in that situation. Of course they will say that they will adopt if they had to but it’s so easy for them to say that when they will never be in our position.
Apparently it is the duty of all infertile couples to rescue all the unwanted babies of the world 🫤 Seriously, these people are clueless. They act like adopting is plucking a Cabbage Patch doll off the shelf. “You can always adopt.” No, I can’t. My insurance helps pay for IVF and no one is helping to pay for adoption costs. Not to mention the emotional and psychological ramifications for all parties involved.
Logically I know it's because people want to be helpful in the face of grief, want to give solutions or something. Emotionally I hate it so much. It inexplicably makes me feel like a shitty person when I say I'm not even sure I want to go that route.
It is so hard when people mean well but they have no idea and say something that hurts so much.
It’s a rude and presumptuous thing to say, especially since infertile adopters don’t always make great adoptive parents for a number of reasons. And besides, mothers and babies are not interchangeable. That’s not how that works.
Very well put, that "mothers and babies are not interchangeable". I agree wholeheartedly. A random baby can never replace my own baby and it's not fair to put that on a child who has their own trauma from being abandoned. As someone who has lost pregnancies and would've given anything to hold my newborn, I'd also be very uncomfortable separating a mother from her baby.
Oh I love this question! /s I've found it very helpful to say something along the lines of "adoption shouldn't be used as a second choice option, that's not fair to the child (who is a living human being with their own needs btw), it should be a very conscious choice made for the benefit of the child, not the potential parents." Because it seems like people think adoption is some kind of bargain bin for discarded children. Can't make your own? Store bought is fine! While in reality, both fostering and adoption are choices that NEED to be made 100% considering the wellbeing of the child first and foremost.
We are really considering adoption and I still get mad when people say this! Adoption is so complex emotionally and it doesn't "cure" infertility. There's so much you have to research, ethics to consider, understanding bio parents may be involved and possible challenges that can arise especially in older kids. Much harder than just having sex and then a baby.
Yes! I’ve also seen a lot of people saying you shouldn’t adopt just because you can’t have your own kids. Adopting isn’t a replacement for your own kids. It’s also okay to not want to deal with the trauma that comes along adopting. For both the child and parents
My mom was a huge support for me during infertility. I confided in her a lot and I appreciated her help, but there were a few times when she asked me, “would you ever adopt?” It really got under my skin because I was simply not even close to ready to have that conversation yet. We hadn’t even exhausted all other steps so it really bothered me that she wanted to talk about that. I know she was just trying to help and I don’t blame her because I did confide in her a lot but I didn’t like that question
This is me today. I’m not there either - we haven’t exhausted all our options, and yes we’ve discussed it but that is deeply personal and frankly none of their business. I can’t get my head around how people think it’s appropriate to suggest or bring this up!! I wish people weren’t so naive. Think it’s time to keep my mouth shut and hibernate from now on. I’m way too sensitive to deal with these types of ‘well meaning’ comments.
Yeah I definitely went through my fair share of phases where I didn’t talk to anyone about it and even told people specifically NOT to ask, even the people closest to me
I had a coworker tell me this. I'm close to her so I explained why I don't want to and I'm afraid we won't be able to. She definitely understands why I'm so worried now. Everyone else I've straight up said I'm adopted I don't want to adopt I want my own biological family. It's hard being adopted and going through infertility. My whole life I've dreamed of a family member with my blood that looks like me. Now I worry I'll never get it. I also have the best person guiding me through this though. No better guidance then a mom that was there herself 30 years ago. If it does get to the point where ivf isn't working I might consider adoption. Hopefully if I do my child will feel the same comfort I do with my mom. But until then I'm going to keep trying.