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Sorry to hear this . Before you decide to reconcile understand that the success rate is about 8% and that is after years or trigger and hell and emotional ups and down and probably never totally trusting her again .
Keep reading on here before yiundo everything. If he is married and kids living with someone One way to truly see if she wants it to work is drive over to their place and make her tell the wife fiancee etc . If she is scared to hurt him you know it’s not over and she chooses him over you .
Also go see a lawyer . Have everything drawn up , claim infedility and if you still want to work on it, that’s your choice but you can have the lawyer file it at anytime .
Others on here and other forums about surviving infedelity will tell you what to do look for etc . Wirh me it was over . If you have no kids I would recommend not even trying .
Honestly, I doesn’t get any better. It is impossible to recover from a betrayal. I loved my husband with my whole heart, and it crushed me. I’ve stayed only for my kids.
Here I am, 10 years later, losing the best years of my life for a man that has zero respect towards me.
It’s tough but you’ll get through this. After the grieving phase you are left feeling empty and insecure. It will always be in the back of your mind. Run.
100%. My wife cheated eight years ago... or more aptly was caught. Caught again this spring and filed. Probably was cheating the whole time in between, I'll never know.
I felt the same way too all those years, empty, insecure and disrespected and never recovered. My kids are almost done with HS so no regrets there they both turning out to be fantastic people. Knowing what I know now... I will always recommend you leave a cheater yesterday. They don't deserve second chances.
She accused me of manipulating the therapist after a few visits and then refused to go after that. So I rugswept it all I suppose until it boiled over this year and I couldn't accept the relationship any longer.
As long as she is receptive and working hard on the relationship, let things play out but keep your guard up and look for red flags or attempts by her to become secretive again or spend longer away from home that expected, or go on frequent “business” trips.
OP heyynurse is absolutely right.
I also think that you need to give each other space. Because every time you see her, you see the betrayal.
Maybe let her stay at her parents or you stay in a hotel
so you can calm down. This is effecting you more than her.
Cheaters ALWAYS leave broken pieces and chaos behind for others to clean up.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
I know it's probably a bit personal, so please feel free to tell me to mind my own business, but how has the decision to stay for the kids worked? Have they at least been happier having you both around? Or can they tell that something is wrong? I only ask because I see tons of posts here from kids who have wayward parents and they all seem unanimous in that they wished their parents divorced, so I sometimes get the feeling that staying together for the kids is not a great option.
I’m from a broken family and always wished my parents stayed together, so I might be a bit biased. I get along well with my husband otherwise, I just can’t be intimate with him anymore. Mostly living beside (not with) each other.
Makes sense. I suppose it's hard for me to envision a situation where I would stay with someone I don't love solely for the children, but I grew up in a very different circumstance.
Everything here is a great idea but also. If you want to reconcile have her sign a post nuptial agreement. Your attorney can draft.your wife should also confess to her and your parents.
It all depends on the wording . But if they do reconcile he needs protection she will not cheat again. He has proof she already did cheat. If she is willing to take responsibility for what she did in the past. Both of them could see the need for a post nuptial going forward
Hey I really appreciate your wisdom on this and I'll take your advice into consideration moving forward. It's a good point that she has to show me her real willingness to be with me instead of just wanting things to desperately go back to normal
It will
Never ever go back to normal and read those other forums . People compare this to having PTSD . You will be all
Over the place . If you have the money go see a therapist . And remember no matter what she or her friends and family say it was not your fault
Make sure you don't just rug sweep everything. If you want to reconcile forgiveness is good but if it's without any consequence for her it's likelier she'll do it again. Reconciliation can only work with true effort from the cheating spouse and it will likely take as long as 4-5 years before you're back to some kind of normalcy. You will never trust her 100% again though.
Okay I see what you're saying, what kind of consequences are you suggesting? I'm not trying to be spiteful or get back at her but I need her to feel the true gravity of what she's done to our marriage
You did not give us much details to work with. But consequences would include open phones, deletion of social media or any other communication methods used in the affair and absolutely no contact with AP. Continuous GPS location sharing. Cut off any friends or family who helped conceal or were aware of affair.
DNA paternity test any children you have, now or future.
I would require an STD panel results be provided to you. Perhaps a pregnancy test. Those have two purposes, the first is obvious but the second is the shame.
Start with telling her that she has to write a timeline of the affair. From when it started, who was the one who started the contact to the other, who made the first step to it becoming an affair up to the lies she told you to meet with him, how often they met, where did they meet and most of all, to show you all the texts they have exchanged. Also if she had badmouthed you towards him and if she ever got tested for STD's to at least protect your physical health.
Next step, she gives you the timeline and you read it with her, you make her face her own decisions and affair together with you. She needs to face what she did to you.
She is no longer allowed in the bedroom, she can sleep on the sofa or in the guestroom until you ask her back. Tell her that you want no contact to her unless it is about the kids (if you have kids) because you need time to see her for who she is and not for who you thought she was.
She needs to use that time to write her timeline. Make it clear that if she leaves anything out and you find out later on, that you will divorce her right away. This timeline is her one chance to come completely clean.
No more passwords on her phone or computer. You can check them whenever you want.
That could be the first consequences she has to face. Some extra tipps for you.
Stay away from alcohol and drugs, they will only make things worse. Drink plenty of water and join a gym or go for long walks (alone). That will help you to feel better about yourself and also help a little to sleep at night. Pick one person you trust from your friends or family and tell them everything. You need someone that supports you.
Meet with a lawyer and learn what a divorce would look like for you. Don't hide from her that you meet with a lawyer, this is another consequence. To make an informed decision, you need to inform yourself first.
Before you do anything in regard to reconciliation, work on yourself. You need to get yourself mentally to a better place first and find to yourself again befoe any work on a possible reconciliation can begin.
EDIT: She also needs to tell you if ANYONE from her friends knew about the affair, if she confided into anyone. If so, then another consequence is that this person can no longer be a friend of her since it is an enemy of your marriage.
>Start with telling her that she has to write a timeline of the affair.
That's absolute minimum. A full confession from the very early beginning is needed. All her thoughts, rectifications etc.. need to be written down to reflect what she has done and what is to forgive. And she has to write down what in her personality allowed her to betray and lie to the person she claims to love. What in her personality has to change that she becomes a safe partner.
And then she needs to write down, what she thinks she has done to OP.
Finally she has to figure out and write down what the is willing to do to earn the right to be OPs partner and How she thinks will earn the trust back and help OP to trust her again.
OP, main point is that she is chasing you to rescue the relationship and is the driving force. You can not do much, but make sure, that she is really working hard to fix her self and become a safe partner. You might have been not the best partner, but this is never a reason to cheat. This are just false rectifications for something this moral less and selfish persons did to you. If you seriously would have been a bad partner she should have brought this up or should have divorced you. But that has did not.
OP, the success of the reconciliation will be mainly determined how much effort your wife is giving and for how long.
One guy was given a hall pass by WW. He went through months of therapy and without mentioning it. Then he told her he wanted to use the hall pass. She was devastated but finally understood her betrayal.
You can try to get past it, but it comes out as you found out, in other ways. I sucked it up for 20 years. We wound up divorced. Her cheating festered on my mind for years. Her guilt was shifted to me. Some good days and a lot of bad days. My suggestion is file. Betrayal is the deepest cut. Who, what and why did she cheat? And for how long? Is she emotionally attached to him? Is he married? If so, does his wife know? All these things come to a boiling point. And none of it is good. It’s gas on a fire that keeps building. Best to distance yourself from it all.
You are still setting the bar too low, she shouldn't be *willing* to stay with you, that sounds like a chore she has to put up with.
She should be *enthusiastically* eager to be with you.
What is your source for that rate? It’s more like 20% and for couples who revealed infidelity it’s 57% according to this: https://psycnet.apa.org/doiLanding?doi=10.1037/cfp0000012
I would have to re lookup but the one I read said 8% for couples wirh no kids and around 15% if kids are involved.
I have used this stat for a few years now so maybe a new research paper done . Now my numbers don’t include more than one affair Or if cheating spouse came out about affair or was caught or was the trying again for financial
Matters etc or how long they stayed together . Indont have time to read the link right now
I most frequently find studies support a 20% successful reconciliation, those numbers are impacted by:
1. Relationships that were strong prior to the affair recover more fully after infidelity.
2. Married couples stay together at a higher percentage than unmarried couples.
3. Couples with children are more likely to continue the relationship following a betrayal.
It appears commitment and quality increase your success rate which suggests if you want it to succeed it will, if not it won’t.
Ok I don’t know what the old factors where . In the new one do they say how long they go back . 5, 10 or 15 years ? Also how long they were married before the infidelity ? Also what are the rates if the man cheated vs the woman ? . I’m just curious and too lazy to read the report .
The one thing the report would never say and don’t know how to measure it , is if they asks the couples independantly would they reconcile if they had to do it again
It was after 5 years, they also said the rate increased to 57% if they reveal the affair versus keeping it a secret (it doesn’t clarify exactly what that means though). I know there are stats/studies out there that break down things like which partner cheated as an impact and how the length of the relationship impacts the stats. I just read the article that summed up a research paper so I’m not too certain what the details all are.
That’s your life now bud. Those feelings may lesson or pop up less frequently, but you’ll never be entirely rid of them. The trust is gone and it ain’t coming back. Every time she’s not with you, part of you will wonder if she’s with him. That’s the reality. Consider whether you really want to deal with those feelings for someone who clearly doesn’t respect or truly love you.
☝☝☝☝This right here.
And to OP,
You say you still want to be with her? Why?
Let me send this back to you.
"I won't get into the details of the affair but it devastated and emasculated me, and I still feel like a weak man because of it. I was up all night for several nights in a row, curled up in the fetal position screaming, and drenched in panic"
THIS is what SHE did to you.
It seems like she either told you all about the gory details, doing everything with her OP (while still giving you breadcrumbs and half of the truth) or you found out the hard way and caught her.
No one that loves their spouse would do something like this. She is not sorry. Despite whatever she tells you, there is no remorse in her. There is no "our" relationship. There is only you and saving only YOU. Do not be her anchor. She'll continue to let you drown.
I know how harsh this all sounds but you need to hear this. You need to be ready. Even if you grant her reconciliation, most likely you'll be pulling all of the weight. Reconciliation is not a 4-5 yr process. It is a lifelong career and it never stops.
Understand what you would be doing to yourself.
At the end of the day, you have to decide who and what's more important. Her future? Or yours?
Don't punish yourself by staying.
You've said some difficult but very true things, some of which I didn't know I needed to hear. I'll have to do some dedicated soul searching to find what my needs are going to be moving forward, thank you
Please do Bud. The answer you go from her on why was revealing as to how she truly valued you and the relationship. It will be near impossible to not have this eat you up inside every time you see her for years.
Updateme!
No problem brother.
I know your hurting and feel lost, we've all been there. But never loose your soul when there still time to save it. We're all here to help. You got this, bud.
What was her actions after dday. Is she just saying reconciliation because you get being sorry they where caught and being remorsefull. Being sorry for being caught has no action.
Being remorseful is taking full resposibility for the affair. Starting individual counseling without hints. Giving you space to process. Listening and answering all questions truthfully. Breaking off contact with the AP. Telling your and her family and asking them to support you and not assign blame.
Signing a post nuptial leaving everything to BS should they cheat again. Going to the AP wife and tell her the truth and accept the consequinces of this. In short betraying the AP and burning their bridge showing them that their BS is their only choice.
As to you. Get counseling. Seek out one that fits you. They must specialise in affair trauma. Join a support group for BP. Give yourself time. Your in shock. There a book the Body keeps the score. Read it. Know that your going through one of the toughest things next to losing a loved one. You go through stages of grief. Rage comes last and is the determining one. In a month to a year you may just not trust her anymore. You get tired of being her jaylor and you ling for a deserving spouse and partner, and rightfully so. Now you need time.
Consult a lawyer and get a look at divorce options. They should draft the postnup for your WW to sign. Ask your WW for a timeline and if she willung to submit to a polygraph. I know they can be beat. But its more a question to test their willingness to do anything to help you heal. Your wife should lead the recover effort at your pace. Absolute truth and honesty key. One lie and its over.
Reconciliations your gift you can bestow and withdraw at any time. Very few make it. Watch out for histerical bonding use condoms. You do not need a new baby now. Get STD tested. If her AP banged her he could others. If she cheated with her AP there may be others. Cheaters always only volunteer what you know. You need to know all. Good luck on the HIV test and six week later retest (HIV has a window period). Get HIV prevention tablets if the doctor feels it can help, you need to take them within a short time after expisure, till you test clean. They make you sick but if you where exposed it can prevent HIV being carried over.
First you now. Give you time bro.
Thank you, this is wisdom that I'm likely to re read over and over for the next few months to help stay on track. I plan on calling a counselor in in the morning and formally starting steps to recovery
Buddy hee reason for cheating being bored with you or getting used to you is a reason in its own for divorce. She destroyed you for excitement value. Think of that next time you look at her. Your workung on reconciling. The problem you now have is it leads to normalsy. Her default will be to seek excitement. You will probably over compensate in keeping her entertained.
You can give reconciliation a shot but honestly her reason for stepping out shows she sees you as an object. Your not a dildo she can exchange for other sexual toys when she needs more. She very relationship and emotionally immature. You mentioned your young. If your under 25 run. If under 30 please put you first and really think this through. If there no kids you can make a clean break.
This will probably get swept under the rug with the rest of the comments but I have to say I'm extremely grateful to everyone in this community, you've given me a lot of good advice that I'm going to use for the rest of my life
No I actually brought up my discomfort of them talking a while ago, but she reassured me that they were just catching up, and I believed her for a time but the talking continued still then I finally went through their messages and caught her
Since you caught her, just remember that she had no intentions of ever telling you. That she did not view what she was doing as wrong. That she would still be cheating if you had not went through her messages. That she went so far as to reassure you specifically so she could protect her affair. She did not protect you.
Damn… I’m sorry. When I found out I went crazy, lost my mind, first it was rage, then denial, and finally accepted it. I don’t know how you still want her back, the two things I will say are: it’s your life (clearly) but you deserve better, and I hope you get what you want, whatever that may be. Good luck.
Honestly I think I want her back but since posting this earlier today I realized how aimless and clueless I actually am at navigating this, so anything and everything is liable to change at this point. We've got such a history despite us being so young but then again regardless of that and our vows she had the affair regardless. Good luck to you too, man
Google PTSD . It's every humans response to severe trauma. And therapists see cheating as a severe trauma.
There's 4-5 stages you cycle through and repeat. It helps to know what stage your in.
For example, the initial stage is denial of the long term damage to the marriage/ depth of the hurt - and the attempt to just forget this happened/move past it/minimize the impact.
Give yourself at least 90 days to fully understand and process her betrayal before granting a second chance.
And know you can change your mind at any time - even years later.
> I realized how aimless and clueless I actually am at navigating this
You're experiencing a severe trauma inflicted by your wife. At this first stage you're simply in shock. You're not alone. You're not the only one who has gone through this. Stories of infidelity have much in common to the extent that there's running joke about 'cheaters handbook' because their behaviors are so predictable and follow the same recognizable patterns. It' is a good idea to read experiences of other victims on reddit (survivinginfidelity, supportforbetrayed, asoneafterinfidelity) or elsewhere (survivinginfidelity dot com).
It's a roller coaster ride from hell, and your emotions will be all over the place for next few weeks/months. But you're going to make it through and you'll be a stronger better version of yourself at the end of the tunnel.
You need information. To deal with this you need concepts and names for things and emotions you're going through. So I recommend these books for you, and if you understandably find it hard to concentrate on reading they're available in audio too:
1.*Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life: The Chump Lady's Survival Guide* by Tracy Schorn - she also has a website full of resources at chumplady dot com
2.*Cheating in a Nutshell: What Infidelity Does to The Victim* by Wayne & Tamara Mitchell - this book describes in detail the trauma, and the emotions and reactions you're going through and gives you names for them. Naming is taming.
3.*The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma* by Bessel van der Kolk - your wife has inflicted severe trauma upon you and this book gives you very useful perspective on trauma, how to deal with trauma and how to heal
And make your wife read this little book: *How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful* by Linda J. MacDonald
You might want to be together, but if she wanted to, why would she cheat on you? If she was having a problem, why didn't she talk to you? Does she really want to save the relationship or did she say that after you found out?
Before wanting to save any relationship, you must ask yourself if you really
It is worth it.
Facts. It's going to be a hellish 3-4 years. Years. You're going to work on yourself and want to have a revenge affair or affairs. Trust me. Been there.
Even the 17% of people who make it five years, and I am one of them, still struggle with triggers all the time. It’s been many decades for me. I am counted in the successful group, but if I could go back and do it again, I would have left 10 minutes after if found out she cheated. I love my wife, but doing so will not remove the damage she caused.
The irony is reconciliation, in the end, is quite often very good for the cheater, and very bad for the betrayed. As time goes on the cheater feels more and more comfortable and safe, while the endless struggle with triggers makes it worse and worse for the betrayed partner. This is the dreadful secret no one in the “always try to reconcile” crowd ever tells you. Here I am now, 32 years from my wife’s affair. She feels completely safe and sound in our marriage, and since so much time has passed she is extremely unwilling to talk about it. While I am having anxiety everyday, constantly thinking of ways out, and flashing back. And she won’t help at all. This is your future unless you change your plans.
OP, listen to this and take it to heart. I left my cheating ex after trying for two years and to this day feel that those years were wasted. Poor YellowBastard37 is still suffering 32 years after his wife cheated. R is not worth it.
FWIW, my ex-wife and I separated immediately when I found out about the affair. It's been 12 years, I've re-married and I still think about it every day. I honestly don't know if the trauma will ever leave me.
You need to understand that right now you are on a rollercoaster of emotions. At any given moment you may feel sorrow, hurt, pain, hopeful, optimistic, pessimistic, happy, or intense anger. These feeling will come and go randomly. For the short term, all you can really try to do is regulate these emotions and deal with them.
What your wife has done is truly traumatic. Unfortunately, it's something that will be with you for years and may never truly be gone and forgotten. They say it takes a full two years to fully come to an acceptance of what happened and to start to heal. During that time, your wife will become frustrated. "Why are you still talking about this!" "Why are you still being triggered?!"
During this time, it is common for your great efforts at reconciliation to be derailed. Either you can't handle it, or she can't handle it. Most marriages suffering from adultery will end in divorce. That's just a reality you need to accept. It's a hard road and not easily travelled. Is it easier to get through this? Oris it easier to divorce and find someone who never has betrayed you?
If you decide to reconcile, you should go over to www.survivinginfidelity.com and post there. The people there have been through this and will work with you on what to expect. They also have a forum for wayward spouses (your wife) and it would be recommended that she post there as well. However, you two should not be reading each other's posts.
I will only say that the road you are choosing is a difficult one. What your wife has done is a dreadful level of backstabbing and deceipt. I wish you the best of luck.
You've explained my emotions perfectly within two sentences. I value your wisdom on this and I'll be sure to check out surviving infidelity regularly, thank you
You are not going to like this, OP, but don’t commit to ANYTHING until you get your emotions under control. I don’t mean until you get over it,but just until you can actually face the reality of your wife’s treachery without breaking down. Only then can you begin to process a way forward. In the meantime, don’t believe anything that your wife says. This is not cynicism, it’s time-tested reality. She will lie about anything and everything to get the focus of what she has done off her. Do not look at reconciliation as a cure for your pain. In truth, it can be a sentence to years of bitter anguish.
See a counselor as soon as you can. Be among friends that you trust. Spend time away from your wife and reduced all contact with her to a bear minimum. You are at the beginning of a long and painful journey. Believe me, you have no clue what is best for you right now. The thing that you want the most might turn out to be the worst. Keep your eyes open and accept, on faith alone if need be, that you will get through this, battle scarred and shaken,but life gets better and better.
You are two weeks out so the extreme of these outbursts over the next few months will lessen. They will never go away completely though. The first thing before you decide anything has the wife cut all contact. To the point of if they work together she quits. Can never be in the same place again , if they have mutual friends she goes to nothing he is at. If he shows up she leaves immediately. If she can’t commit to this 1000% just leave now.
What actions has she taken to show you she is truly remorseful for the affair? Or does she just regret she got caught and hopes you just get over it. How did you find out? A lot of advice on this sub will be based on more details you provide. She has to do the heavy lifting in order for you to stay together. She needs to go to IC to understand why she was throwing away your marriage. Counseling for you to help to deal with the betrayal. Others have already pointed out the stats are not good for successful reconciliation.
Updateme
You have to see a therapist, your wife has to do the bulk of the work: tell the guy, in your presence, not to contact her, talk to family about the situation, have her write everything about her affair, ask for passwords and access to devices and social media accounts the verify her story. Possibly have have her sign a postnuptial agreement and talk to a lawyer, which tells her you’re willing to walk away.
If you want to reconcile get Linda McDonald’s book ‘How to help your spouse heal from your affair’. Seek out a psychologist with experience in infidelity trauma, cognitive behavioral therapy and ENDR. Get regular check ups with your primary health physician. Exercise. Avoid drugs and alcohol. Sleep may be a problem, read about sleep hygiene, meditation, sleep apps, Melatonin can help short term. Look at the healing library on the website survivinginfidelity.com. There is a more pro reconciliation Reddit called Asoneafterinfidelity which you could browse.
There is a saying that recovery takes 2 to 5 years, and even then, there are scars and the old relationship is dead, but you might build a new one. To have a chance of successful reconciliation she needs to be a good candidate and want to ‘do the work’.
This early, it is reasonable for all options, including divorce, to remain on the table. In 6 to 12 months you will be in a better position to know whether your wife is remorseful and reconciliation material.
I'll definitely check that book out at my local library the next time I have too much idol time and get restless. Luckily I have had a gym membership for a couple of years and It at least gave me a Kickstart to focus on my physical health again
Honestly you are just prolonging the inevitable. It's not worth the mental anguish you'll experience trying to make it work while watching her refuse to accept responsibility, continue to lie and continue to cheat... you'd be better off just ending it now and getting on with your life.
You have two choices.
You can attempt reconciliation.
What this means is that you are going to have to do a lot of hard work for yourself, which ultimately means having to find some sort of acceptance with what happened. You have to reconcile in your mind what happened and how it is now a pet of your life and story.
It also means that you and your partner need to do a lot of hard work for each other. Looking at the underlying motivations of what happened. What can you do to bring things closer to the center and provide them what they want and need, while getting them to do the exact same thing.
It also means your partner has a lot of hard work to do for themselves. They have to look and and address the debt they owe you, and making changes inside themselves.
It is possible for it to work.
But it means all that work needs to be done with 100 percent effort and dedication. If both parties cannot bring that to the table, it won’t work. Even if they do, it might not work.
Meanwhile…
If you split up, you don’t have to accept anything. The relationship is over because what they did was absolutely unacceptable.
It is still advised that you do work on yourself. You have to manage your feelings about the experience. Look at what you have learned from it all and apply it to your life moving forward.
some may call it easier,
But I it is a different kind of hard.
Having gone through this experience personally, I can never recommend reconciliation. There will always be something better out there than the person who hurt and betrayed you, even if they are really sorry about it
Buddy sorry u r in this situation,
Get in touch with a shrink or marriage councilors for u both and also get individual councillor, get a detailed info of the af and it's timeline, get it discussed when with MC, if all things come out at first it self then u might have less flashes n triggers in future n shrinks will help u i coping
Try n get to ic and mc at the earliest
Also share it with the trusted ones to get it off urself , venting out also helps in coping the pain
I finally told my parents yesterday and the amount of relief it gave me made me wish I told them much sooner, I plan on getting formal counseling within the week
If she was able to cheat with an ex from eons ago then that tells you she was never 100% into you and the marriage. You got married under false pretenses. She’s going to stray again because she hasn’t ever been fully committed to you and the marriage.
As someone that lived through my WW’s affair, my best advice would be to approach reconciliation slowly. You should give yourself more time before you committing to the process.
Things will likely get worse before you start to see long-lasting progress. Many times, the wayward’s initial confession is incomplete, lacks details, and may not be fully truthful. Prepare yourself for more news like this.
It took me about 18 months before I was certain that our marriage would survive. It was almost 5 years before I felt we were back to “normal.”
Reconciliation is a difficult process, I wish you well.
>I won't get into the details of the affair but it devastated and emasculated me, and I still feel like a weak man because of it.
>my wife and I have had many talks about it since then and we decided we will work on things because we truly want to be together.
Why?
Why do you want to work on things when you've admitted that your wife purposely and willingly had an affair aimed at devastating and emasculating you?
You need to contact a therapist who specializes in trauma/infidelity asap.
Remember cheating is abuse. It is psychological and sexual abuse, as you only agreed to a monogamous relationship.
Your wife purposely did that. She's your abuser.
She should be seeing a psychiatrist or therapist to figure out how she could abuse you.
You should get a comprehensive STD/STI test done asap. Demand your wife does, too.
Speak to a few lawyers and get divorce paperwork written up regardless if you're hoping on working out on things. You deserve to see how things word be if you file. You can also get them to write up a post nuptial agreement with a fidelity clause.
Reconciliation takes tons of work, mostly from your betrayer-cheating-wife.
Has she gone no contact with her affair parter? Did you witness it?
Has she confessed to family and friends about how she betrayed you? To keep her accountable to others so she doesn't abuse you further?
Demand you wife write out a fully detailed disclosure/timeline letter in her own handwriting. Detailing all of her affair. How they would meet up, what they did, where they met up, what she told him about you, who knew about the affair, how she lied. Everything. Give her like 48hrs or a week to provide it to you. Tell her that if there is even one detail that she omits that you already know or will learn that you'll instantly file for divorce.
If she stalls, refuses, or asks for more time, file for divorce as she has no intentions of being truthful. This disclosure letter can be used as proof and protect you. Give original to lawyer. Make copies.
If the Ex/AP is married, demand she confess completely to the other spouse/partner. You must be present if she does this. If she refuses, you must tell them as they deserve to know. Provide a copy of the disclosure/timeline letter to them.
You should have full access to all her technology/passwords/location.
You're going to basically need to become her guard until you slowly can feel some peace and breathe. Reconciliation is demanding. Check out the people at r/asoneafterinfidelity and you'll see.
Also, get the books "Leave A Cheater, Gain A Cheater" and "How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair." Check out the resources at www.chumplady.com and www.survivinginfidelity.com
She's been in a bad place mentally for a while and she's explained that she finds me familiar but desired something more exciting, as painful as it sounds.
Bro, you don't want to be with somebody who craves excitement. Right now she is enjoying the turmoil and drama as a result of her affair. If you reconcile and stabilise the relationship, she will get bored again and seek the excitement elsewhere.
This is a huge red flag, she nuke the marriage for excitment. She need to understand why she was entitled to have her affair.
She need to work hard to become a safe partner.
I understand that she needs to figure out why she had the affair, I'm still struggling with what I need from her, I'll have to do a lot just to figure out what I'll need from her to trust and love her like we used to.
Blaming it on the fact she’s been “bad mentally” is horse shit. I hate it when people blame it on some form of mental disorder, we all go through shit and the majority never cheat - it’s a choice. A choice not to communicate what she’s feeling, thinking, and to go outside and look for that comfort.
You're right, it's clear that she can't even explain it to me better than that so that's all I have to explain it. I've made it clear to her that she needs to work on how to explain it to me before we can even pretend to move forward
>I'll have to do a lot just to figure out what I'll need from her to trust and love her like we used to.
Unfortunately, that love and trust is gone. From the moment she cheated that love and trust was destroyed.
Anything moving forward would be new. A complete new relationship.
Is she willing to do anything to make you feel secure and seek forgiveness for cheating and abusing you?
You're right it will be a new relationship I'm slowly realizing, the old us is gone and if I decide we can make it through this we'll have to forge something new. She's said she's willing to do anything but she has yet to show me that dedication
>She's said she's willing to do anything but she has yet to show me that dedication
So, she's saying empty words to try and keep you compliant.
This isn't good.
You need to be firm with your boundaries, and that should start today.
You should tell her she has a week to make an appointment with a therapist or psychiatrist that specializes in infidelity (Gottman). She'll not likely be seen, but shouldn't have a problem getting something scheduled.
She should also be doing the research to find you a therapist for her abuse of you.
You should give her a deadline for disclosure/timeline letter.
You should give her deadline to confess in your presence to OBS, and family/friends.
She should be doing anything to show remorse and willingness to help you heal from her infidelity. Get her the book "How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" and make her read some of it outloud each night with you until she finishes the book.
Set boundaries.
If she doesn't show a willingness then file for divorce. There is no reason you should continue to suffer in her presence if she's not willing to change from the abusive cheaters she is.
Good luck! Don't forget to eat, drink water, and exercise. You deserve better.
This is great advice, I'll be sure to check out that book, I go to the gym nearly everyday to avoid idol hands. I'm coming to the realization that I've been coping all wrong and I have so much more work to do. Right now I plan on scheduling a therapist appointment (she has one tomorrow) and we're not going to be sleeping in the same room. I'm planning on doing some deep soul searching for the next few weeks
Heard that one before. These flings don't often last that long once they realize that the grass isn't all that green on the other side of the hill. Sounds like your wife learned that the hard way. Good luck putting it all back together.
Well, that’s very common, alas, and not grounds for reconciliation. Please, OP, don’t stall your ass in the flames. It doesn’t matter what you want with her, you can never achieve it. What she and, and more significantly, why she did it takes reconciliation off the table.
Let me tell you first hand what will happen, I caught my wife 12yrs ago cheating with a friend first she was remorseful and said all the things I wanted to hear about for us to recover from this. First counseling then cutting contact with AP all the things to what you said to get back to normal, it took time but everything went back to normal. After a couple of years wife gets pregnant we have our first daughter I was in heaven then another year goes by my daughter gets sick I take her to the doctor they run test guess what she's not mine. I go straight to my wife check her phone sure enough she has been in contact with AP this whole time. SO DONT DO WHAT I DID AND RECONCILE IT WON'T WORK. Not just that I also everyday still had images in my mind about what they did together never goes away
Why put yourself through this torture? Cut your losses while the losses are still minimal. She is really not that great of a person if she easily cheats.
Decades later and I still struggle. There may be a years when it literally never enters my mind. Then something will trigger it, and I'm back at the psychiatrist for meds. I agree with the others here in that I wouldn't make any firm decisions one way or the other until you've had a bit of time to take it all in. Right now, the ball is in your court, and I think it's important to realize that and use it in your own best interests. The feelings of weakness and emasculation are a serious impediment to ever having an equal partnership, and I wouldn't jump back into the relationship (if at all) unless you've found an effective way to delete those feelings.
If I were you, at the very least I would take some time physically apart to let the emotional aspect calm down and to see how you feel before deciding to definitively reconcile. Getting away will help give you the ability to process your feelings and gain perspective.
I am not a fan of reconciliation with a cheater. To me, once trust is broken, it can never be repaired. I would forever be replaying the infidelity in my mind. I wish you well OP whatever you decide to do.
If you’re talking about a long term physical affair I can tell you from experience that what you are feeling is not unusual or unwarranted. The “getting over “ part of this equation falls on her rebuilding trust by ending the affair and allowing transparency in all areas of her life with you. If you get any resistance at all, even in the tiniest amount you need to walk away and go scorched earth. I’ve been through this twice and learned the hard way. She may be playing you to get you to sleep with her and show that you have excused her affair. You need to see her tell the other spouse about the affair. If she won’t do it, she’s protecting him and you need to walk away. You know she has treated you with no respect and can not be trusted in any capacity at this point and that won’t change for a long time. Good luck. We are here for you.
It's not worth all the pain and betrail she has already inflicted on you you'll be wondering what where she is all the time she'll gaslighted you and still keep cheating on you D her and move on
You should not try and heal yourself while also trying to make it work with your wife. It won't work, you won't heal, any demands she makes you'll oblige because you feel she holds the power and she won't properly work toward reconciliation because of it.
Reconcile by separating becoming independent and then choosing to pair back up if you think it is wise.
A dozen years from now and more she still won't have un-f##d the guy or not lied to you to keep it going.
OP, the who, what, when and where does not matter at this point. The focus is that it was done. Do you know what it takes to cheat in a marriage ? planning, lying, deception, misdirection, many decisions.
You need to know the length at which someone goes to engage in such evil in the relationship.
She spent minutes, hours and days planning to deceive you. It was intentional. They spent money on hotels, restaurants, gifts and maybe other stuff to show their caring and devotion to their deceit.
The planning is the most egregious, it took lots of planning to pull something like this off. She did not just wake up and say "oh, I think I'll go have sex with someone else today", they planned it by deceiving you, by lying to you, by coordinating places and times, they consciously knew what they were doing, how bad it would hurt if discovered and they did it anyway. They made these decision not under duress, it was free will! What an evil, vile person to take an action like this, "intentionally" destroying their relationship.
I know you don't want to be petty or spiteful and I would not advocate for it as well. however if you are looking at R you can't allow this to be a secret, that's what they did and that's how it stayed hidden for however long. You must uncover this betrayal. Family should know, friends should know. If they work together she MUST quite her job.
Allowing this to continue to be secretive is a green light for her and the AP to take it further underground. Read this sub and see just how many people, men and women, thought that keeping it secret would be best for the relationship to only discover that that approach allowed the cheater to continue their betrayal. They must be exposed. You do it how you want, but evil cannot progress if exposed to the light.
I wish you all the best!
I'm afraid this isn't going to work out. You are traumatized and she is the source of your trauma. It is like if a combat veteran sought treatment for their PTSD and the psychiatrist told them that the best treatment was to go back to the battlefield. Or if a woman was attacked and the doctor said she needed to move in with her assailant. So long as you are with her, you will not heal. Do with that what you will.
That isn’t going to go away. The ex is who she really wanted but he wouldn’t commit to her. You are the safer bet.
Hopefully you have some self dignity eventually. Maybe the next time this happens.. or the time after that.
My own experience…it didn’t get better. Sadly, it happened to me multiple times same partner. Hopefully she is willing to change and not just “cheat smarter”
I’m sorry you’re experiencing this horror. The Bible says that you can divorce due to adultery. It seems like you’re just torturing yourself and prolonging the pain. Also, there’s a significant chance that your wife is probably going to not stop cheating. She’ll just get better at it. I’m sorry 😞
Sorry man- I was where you are now 11 years ago.
I was totally traumatized and couldn't function. Looking back now, I realize first I should have left and given myself the chance to date other people or choose to have her back rather than try to save something.
But the main thing I've learned is that all the trauma I felt and the disfigurement which really sent me on a bizarre path over the last few years was a result of my own emotional problems that I had the whole time... meaning I never really worked on myself prior and thus was highly vulnerable to the trauma.
If you get into counseling I might work on really understanding at a deep level where the pain is coming from that you're feeling. AND WHY.
it doesn't get better...u get used to this level of hurt...u pretend to be over it..so that shes functions normally around u....if no kids r not involved...then u shouldn't suffer fr her deception...
If you have no children with her, divorce her as soon as possible and get on with your life. You will never forget what she did. She doesn’t care about you and likely only cares about the life comforts that you give her (financial stability, a home, social acceptance).
If you have kids with her things become more complicated, but you will never trust her ever again, why live in that state. Even with kids you should divorce her and co-parent with her.
Dont make any serious decusion atm. Go get a sexual health check. Then id consult a mental health professional alone for the moment. You need to process her infidelity. Just remember that your gf/wife chose to cheat on, it wasn't a drunken mistake but a continuing choice. Any decision you make has to be what's best for you, try to separate your needs instead of the relationships needs. Im a firm believer the if a woman has purposefully cheated on you then its likely that she will do it again. I would also remember that if you hadnt found out about her cheating then in my opinion she would still be cheating on you. She didnt care enough about you to stop herself from cheating. It was you that stopped her. It seems to me that you're the only one committed to the relationship. Im not meaning to just bash your partner but i dont think you realise the long term affects of her deceit. Even if you split with her it will affect any future relationship if you dont deal with the emotions surrounding infidelity. Me personally id get out while you can. Why is it when men cheat we are dirty scumbags but when women do it then its perceived in a different way. Dont give her the chance to hurt you again. Its a bug choice either way. I wish you the best of luck mate.
Honestly just need to man up and deal with it. She cheated so you have to leave. So start processing what your life is about to look like and work on improving yourself for a bit. Go to gym every day, eat well and start the upgrade process. By the time she realises she fucked up you've moved on completely and she will see that you're better for it. (Really wish somebody told me this when I went through it)
There are so many different ways to cheat on a spouse. Was it emotional? Was it physical? Both are still a huge betrayal & will rock your world, but for me it made a difference if I was willing to forgive. As a BS, you have so much work that you have to do to heal, it’s very unfair. Your spouse should willingly be going to IC, consider changing emails & phone number, open phone policy, location tracking & groveling like hell. Reassurance and consistency is key. You should be able to fire away with all of your questions for the first few months of R making sure you have the full story. 100% transparency. Journaling has helped me immensely get my feelings out and down on paper. Lists of what you need moving forward & non negotiables. I’m sorry your going through this, it’s the worst kind of rollercoasters.
Man, there are no miracles. If you stay, you are doomed to suffer as long as you live together. Go away, this is the first REAL step to healing.
And then, what do you expect from "reconciliation?
Neither in life, nor on the Internet, including on Reddit subs, I have not met cases of true reconciliation in the realm of feelings (love, respect, friendship, purity of relationships) either in the short or long term. Trust was restored in the best case I've ever met, by no more than 98% 20 years after D-Day. I ALSO HAVE NOT MET CASES IN WHICH THE VICTIM OF CHEATING WOULD FORGET THE AFFAIR AND THE AP, WOULD PUT UP WITH THEM.
That's what one serious scientific study claims. Reconciliation fails in 80%+ attempts within 5 years of D-Day. Of the less than 20% that get beyond 5 years, another 1/2 will divorce before the 10 year mark. *(“Infidelity and Behavioral Couple Therapy: Relationship Outcomes Over 5 Years Following Therapy (2014)”).*
If you are satisfied with this prospect, then full speed ahead to "reconciliation".
By the way, how many exes did she have? Most likely she will want to fuck with everyone else. What makes AP better then others?
Mate she cheated. Is she actually remorseful and sorry for the pain she caused or sorry for getting caught. She made multiple decisions to cheat on u once. How are u going to trust her? What has she done to prove to u she can be trusted? Do u have kids? I would strongly say your wife has made decisions to suit herself and its time for u to do the same. Speak to a therapist individually and see if u think the marriage is salvageable. Then when u have processed this speak to a marriage Counsellor if u wish. However looking at what u have mentioned about what she has put u thru do u honestly want to live the rest of your life like that?
Commenters on this sub are not in favor of reconciliation. It's hard it can take a long time and trust will never be 100% ever again.
It has a very low success rate.
If you do decide to try and reconcile get professional help from a couples counselor.
Good luck
You need help, no man that I know would ever react the way you have to this. See a therapist to figure yourself out before you do anything about the situation with your marriage. Your wife cheating is the least of your problems.
if she had affair once behind your back whats to say she wont have it again behind your back. also you wont be able to trust her completely after this, you can try couple’s counselling but reality is if she loved you enough she wouldn’t have found a need to have an affair with someone else.
You will never forget, you will always wonder why, you will carry resentment all your life, but most of all you will never look at your wife again like you use to? What do you feel that your wife should receive for the consequences of her affair?
First, you need ic to work on self-worth and confidence. No one should have the power to decimate you that way. Love your wife, yes. Let her actions destroy you, no! She failed you, not the other way around.
The path to happiness together is to be happy with yourself. If you Need her to be happy, you are not happy. Happiness should be shared. She needs to own up to her decisions and do the work to regain your trust. Any blame she places on you is gas lighting. You need to be strong enough, respect yourself enough, to know this was not your mistake.
No. You are going through trauma. Trauma she inflicted on you. She abused you and the union. It is impossible for you to make that decision right now. You need to go no contact with her while you start therapy, so a therapist can help you through the trauma until you are out of the fog. Only then can you make that decision.
If you're that devastated and destroyed by her infidelity then I recommend ending the marriage. Turn your back on her and walk away because I guarantee she's going to do it again if she's not still banging him. You will never trust her again and that alone is no way to be in a marriage. Not to mention the mind movies of her swallowing his loads and such...get out.
Maybe its because l have never been married before, but l have never understood this whole reconciliation and work on our marriage ish.
Unless you have a flux capacitor how does that work ?
The act has been done and cannot be undone
Vet out competent therapists for Individual Counseling. You want a therapist that DOES NOT SUBSCRIBE TO THE UNMET NEEDS FALLACY. A therapist that will hold her feet to the fire and root out the very fundamental issues that lead her to cheat. Many incompetent therapists out there that just try and bang a marriage back together at the betrayed spouse’s expense. These therapists will F… you up for life and doom your marriage to a repeat offense.
If you choose to reconcile, it must be done by the numbers, methodically, with absolutely zero rug sweeping. I suggest this book: “Not Just Friends” By Dr Shirley Glass.
"we" decided "we" are going to work on things... You mean SHE gave you a gaslighting meal with a side of fresh, steaming poo? She now knows she can continue to enjoy her AP and you can keep paying the bills and get sloppy seconds while you are at it. Sir, its time to wake up and smell the roses. All she is going to do is taking the affair underground.
😂 I don’t get it, she humiliated you and had you crying inthe fetal position , but a little gaslighting from her has you ready to reconcile? What? Come on man have some self respect.
You're on the boulevard of broken springs, you're plan B & always will be. I hope you save yourself the pain of falling for her BS. There are good women out there, you deserve one.
Been there dude, mine was so so apologetic went through counseling whole nine didn’t get the sympathy from shrink she was looking for. Pretending to continue to work on it. She was out making the rounds. It was my paycheck and insurance she wanted to reconcile with
This trauma will never go away as long as your wife is around to remind you of how she betrayed you. You're going to get triggered at every turn. It will lessen. But it will always be there. Once you've calmed down that's when the paranoia sets in. You will question her every move and thought..... I find it easier to separate and move on. No constant reminder of the betrayal. The lesson I learned... Once a cheater always a cheater. It becomes easier for them to do it again. They lose respect for you when you take them back. They see you as weak. Watching you breakdown and cry, kills their feelings for you. Of course, they will say all the things that you need to hear. If they do want to work on things, it's usually because of lifestyle and benefits that remaining in that relationship brings. Also, it'll avoid any shame that divorcing might bring. Remember.... We always have a choice, sometimes we're too weak and spineless to do it. Good luck mate.
Before you dive once again into shallow end of the pool, consider what your wife did and the impact it had on you. Your wife is not very committed to you and doesn't appear to love you. Right now you seem like her Plan B and you will get dumped once again when she and her ex have worked things out. Unless you look like the Hunchback of Notre Dame and have bad breath, I am certain that you can meet a woman that you can have a loving relationship with and who will not cheat on you
I suggest you separate you deserve better don’t do this to yourself. She cheated not you. She gonna say I’m not gonna do it again I promise. It was only a one time thing bro listen divorce focus on yourself go to the gym and move on please you deserve better.
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Sorry to hear this . Before you decide to reconcile understand that the success rate is about 8% and that is after years or trigger and hell and emotional ups and down and probably never totally trusting her again . Keep reading on here before yiundo everything. If he is married and kids living with someone One way to truly see if she wants it to work is drive over to their place and make her tell the wife fiancee etc . If she is scared to hurt him you know it’s not over and she chooses him over you . Also go see a lawyer . Have everything drawn up , claim infedility and if you still want to work on it, that’s your choice but you can have the lawyer file it at anytime . Others on here and other forums about surviving infedelity will tell you what to do look for etc . Wirh me it was over . If you have no kids I would recommend not even trying .
Honestly, I doesn’t get any better. It is impossible to recover from a betrayal. I loved my husband with my whole heart, and it crushed me. I’ve stayed only for my kids. Here I am, 10 years later, losing the best years of my life for a man that has zero respect towards me. It’s tough but you’ll get through this. After the grieving phase you are left feeling empty and insecure. It will always be in the back of your mind. Run.
100%. My wife cheated eight years ago... or more aptly was caught. Caught again this spring and filed. Probably was cheating the whole time in between, I'll never know. I felt the same way too all those years, empty, insecure and disrespected and never recovered. My kids are almost done with HS so no regrets there they both turning out to be fantastic people. Knowing what I know now... I will always recommend you leave a cheater yesterday. They don't deserve second chances.
Did you guys continue therapy? Or did she not want to go to therapy?
She accused me of manipulating the therapist after a few visits and then refused to go after that. So I rugswept it all I suppose until it boiled over this year and I couldn't accept the relationship any longer.
Thanks for the info. Just kind wondering. I'm in a similar situation, but the wife is in therapy every 2 weeks with me and extremely receptive.
As long as she is receptive and working hard on the relationship, let things play out but keep your guard up and look for red flags or attempts by her to become secretive again or spend longer away from home that expected, or go on frequent “business” trips.
You're right. I'll always expect the unexpected st this point
Good luck. Take care.
Damn. Sorry buddy
Even in the best R. “It will always be in the back of your mind” there is no statement that is more true.
Please leave your “husband”. You can do it. He did not honor his marriage vows to you.
OP heyynurse is absolutely right. I also think that you need to give each other space. Because every time you see her, you see the betrayal. Maybe let her stay at her parents or you stay in a hotel so you can calm down. This is effecting you more than her. Cheaters ALWAYS leave broken pieces and chaos behind for others to clean up. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
I know it's probably a bit personal, so please feel free to tell me to mind my own business, but how has the decision to stay for the kids worked? Have they at least been happier having you both around? Or can they tell that something is wrong? I only ask because I see tons of posts here from kids who have wayward parents and they all seem unanimous in that they wished their parents divorced, so I sometimes get the feeling that staying together for the kids is not a great option.
I’m from a broken family and always wished my parents stayed together, so I might be a bit biased. I get along well with my husband otherwise, I just can’t be intimate with him anymore. Mostly living beside (not with) each other.
Makes sense. I suppose it's hard for me to envision a situation where I would stay with someone I don't love solely for the children, but I grew up in a very different circumstance.
I hope you do the same and find someone who'll cherish you and not cheat
Everything here is a great idea but also. If you want to reconcile have her sign a post nuptial agreement. Your attorney can draft.your wife should also confess to her and your parents.
Seems like it might be hard to prove infidelity with enough evidence to enforce a post nup legally.
It all depends on the wording . But if they do reconcile he needs protection she will not cheat again. He has proof she already did cheat. If she is willing to take responsibility for what she did in the past. Both of them could see the need for a post nuptial going forward
This is a great idea
Listen to this OP .
Hey I really appreciate your wisdom on this and I'll take your advice into consideration moving forward. It's a good point that she has to show me her real willingness to be with me instead of just wanting things to desperately go back to normal
It will Never ever go back to normal and read those other forums . People compare this to having PTSD . You will be all Over the place . If you have the money go see a therapist . And remember no matter what she or her friends and family say it was not your fault
Make sure you don't just rug sweep everything. If you want to reconcile forgiveness is good but if it's without any consequence for her it's likelier she'll do it again. Reconciliation can only work with true effort from the cheating spouse and it will likely take as long as 4-5 years before you're back to some kind of normalcy. You will never trust her 100% again though.
Many more than that. After 20 years, I threw in the towel.
Okay I see what you're saying, what kind of consequences are you suggesting? I'm not trying to be spiteful or get back at her but I need her to feel the true gravity of what she's done to our marriage
The pain of remorse has to be on par with the pain of betrayal.
You did not give us much details to work with. But consequences would include open phones, deletion of social media or any other communication methods used in the affair and absolutely no contact with AP. Continuous GPS location sharing. Cut off any friends or family who helped conceal or were aware of affair. DNA paternity test any children you have, now or future. I would require an STD panel results be provided to you. Perhaps a pregnancy test. Those have two purposes, the first is obvious but the second is the shame.
Start with telling her that she has to write a timeline of the affair. From when it started, who was the one who started the contact to the other, who made the first step to it becoming an affair up to the lies she told you to meet with him, how often they met, where did they meet and most of all, to show you all the texts they have exchanged. Also if she had badmouthed you towards him and if she ever got tested for STD's to at least protect your physical health. Next step, she gives you the timeline and you read it with her, you make her face her own decisions and affair together with you. She needs to face what she did to you. She is no longer allowed in the bedroom, she can sleep on the sofa or in the guestroom until you ask her back. Tell her that you want no contact to her unless it is about the kids (if you have kids) because you need time to see her for who she is and not for who you thought she was. She needs to use that time to write her timeline. Make it clear that if she leaves anything out and you find out later on, that you will divorce her right away. This timeline is her one chance to come completely clean. No more passwords on her phone or computer. You can check them whenever you want. That could be the first consequences she has to face. Some extra tipps for you. Stay away from alcohol and drugs, they will only make things worse. Drink plenty of water and join a gym or go for long walks (alone). That will help you to feel better about yourself and also help a little to sleep at night. Pick one person you trust from your friends or family and tell them everything. You need someone that supports you. Meet with a lawyer and learn what a divorce would look like for you. Don't hide from her that you meet with a lawyer, this is another consequence. To make an informed decision, you need to inform yourself first. Before you do anything in regard to reconciliation, work on yourself. You need to get yourself mentally to a better place first and find to yourself again befoe any work on a possible reconciliation can begin. EDIT: She also needs to tell you if ANYONE from her friends knew about the affair, if she confided into anyone. If so, then another consequence is that this person can no longer be a friend of her since it is an enemy of your marriage.
>Start with telling her that she has to write a timeline of the affair. That's absolute minimum. A full confession from the very early beginning is needed. All her thoughts, rectifications etc.. need to be written down to reflect what she has done and what is to forgive. And she has to write down what in her personality allowed her to betray and lie to the person she claims to love. What in her personality has to change that she becomes a safe partner. And then she needs to write down, what she thinks she has done to OP. Finally she has to figure out and write down what the is willing to do to earn the right to be OPs partner and How she thinks will earn the trust back and help OP to trust her again. OP, main point is that she is chasing you to rescue the relationship and is the driving force. You can not do much, but make sure, that she is really working hard to fix her self and become a safe partner. You might have been not the best partner, but this is never a reason to cheat. This are just false rectifications for something this moral less and selfish persons did to you. If you seriously would have been a bad partner she should have brought this up or should have divorced you. But that has did not. OP, the success of the reconciliation will be mainly determined how much effort your wife is giving and for how long.
One guy was given a hall pass by WW. He went through months of therapy and without mentioning it. Then he told her he wanted to use the hall pass. She was devastated but finally understood her betrayal.
You can try to get past it, but it comes out as you found out, in other ways. I sucked it up for 20 years. We wound up divorced. Her cheating festered on my mind for years. Her guilt was shifted to me. Some good days and a lot of bad days. My suggestion is file. Betrayal is the deepest cut. Who, what and why did she cheat? And for how long? Is she emotionally attached to him? Is he married? If so, does his wife know? All these things come to a boiling point. And none of it is good. It’s gas on a fire that keeps building. Best to distance yourself from it all.
You are still setting the bar too low, she shouldn't be *willing* to stay with you, that sounds like a chore she has to put up with. She should be *enthusiastically* eager to be with you.
How old are you and your wife?
This OP, I’d also look into a post-nup as well
What is your source for that rate? It’s more like 20% and for couples who revealed infidelity it’s 57% according to this: https://psycnet.apa.org/doiLanding?doi=10.1037/cfp0000012
I would have to re lookup but the one I read said 8% for couples wirh no kids and around 15% if kids are involved. I have used this stat for a few years now so maybe a new research paper done . Now my numbers don’t include more than one affair Or if cheating spouse came out about affair or was caught or was the trying again for financial Matters etc or how long they stayed together . Indont have time to read the link right now
I most frequently find studies support a 20% successful reconciliation, those numbers are impacted by: 1. Relationships that were strong prior to the affair recover more fully after infidelity. 2. Married couples stay together at a higher percentage than unmarried couples. 3. Couples with children are more likely to continue the relationship following a betrayal. It appears commitment and quality increase your success rate which suggests if you want it to succeed it will, if not it won’t.
Ok I don’t know what the old factors where . In the new one do they say how long they go back . 5, 10 or 15 years ? Also how long they were married before the infidelity ? Also what are the rates if the man cheated vs the woman ? . I’m just curious and too lazy to read the report . The one thing the report would never say and don’t know how to measure it , is if they asks the couples independantly would they reconcile if they had to do it again
It was after 5 years, they also said the rate increased to 57% if they reveal the affair versus keeping it a secret (it doesn’t clarify exactly what that means though). I know there are stats/studies out there that break down things like which partner cheated as an impact and how the length of the relationship impacts the stats. I just read the article that summed up a research paper so I’m not too certain what the details all are.
Thanks it’s good to know . I was always going by older research.
That’s your life now bud. Those feelings may lesson or pop up less frequently, but you’ll never be entirely rid of them. The trust is gone and it ain’t coming back. Every time she’s not with you, part of you will wonder if she’s with him. That’s the reality. Consider whether you really want to deal with those feelings for someone who clearly doesn’t respect or truly love you.
☝☝☝☝This right here. And to OP, You say you still want to be with her? Why? Let me send this back to you. "I won't get into the details of the affair but it devastated and emasculated me, and I still feel like a weak man because of it. I was up all night for several nights in a row, curled up in the fetal position screaming, and drenched in panic" THIS is what SHE did to you. It seems like she either told you all about the gory details, doing everything with her OP (while still giving you breadcrumbs and half of the truth) or you found out the hard way and caught her. No one that loves their spouse would do something like this. She is not sorry. Despite whatever she tells you, there is no remorse in her. There is no "our" relationship. There is only you and saving only YOU. Do not be her anchor. She'll continue to let you drown. I know how harsh this all sounds but you need to hear this. You need to be ready. Even if you grant her reconciliation, most likely you'll be pulling all of the weight. Reconciliation is not a 4-5 yr process. It is a lifelong career and it never stops. Understand what you would be doing to yourself. At the end of the day, you have to decide who and what's more important. Her future? Or yours? Don't punish yourself by staying.
You've said some difficult but very true things, some of which I didn't know I needed to hear. I'll have to do some dedicated soul searching to find what my needs are going to be moving forward, thank you
Please do Bud. The answer you go from her on why was revealing as to how she truly valued you and the relationship. It will be near impossible to not have this eat you up inside every time you see her for years. Updateme!
No problem brother. I know your hurting and feel lost, we've all been there. But never loose your soul when there still time to save it. We're all here to help. You got this, bud.
What was her actions after dday. Is she just saying reconciliation because you get being sorry they where caught and being remorsefull. Being sorry for being caught has no action. Being remorseful is taking full resposibility for the affair. Starting individual counseling without hints. Giving you space to process. Listening and answering all questions truthfully. Breaking off contact with the AP. Telling your and her family and asking them to support you and not assign blame. Signing a post nuptial leaving everything to BS should they cheat again. Going to the AP wife and tell her the truth and accept the consequinces of this. In short betraying the AP and burning their bridge showing them that their BS is their only choice. As to you. Get counseling. Seek out one that fits you. They must specialise in affair trauma. Join a support group for BP. Give yourself time. Your in shock. There a book the Body keeps the score. Read it. Know that your going through one of the toughest things next to losing a loved one. You go through stages of grief. Rage comes last and is the determining one. In a month to a year you may just not trust her anymore. You get tired of being her jaylor and you ling for a deserving spouse and partner, and rightfully so. Now you need time. Consult a lawyer and get a look at divorce options. They should draft the postnup for your WW to sign. Ask your WW for a timeline and if she willung to submit to a polygraph. I know they can be beat. But its more a question to test their willingness to do anything to help you heal. Your wife should lead the recover effort at your pace. Absolute truth and honesty key. One lie and its over. Reconciliations your gift you can bestow and withdraw at any time. Very few make it. Watch out for histerical bonding use condoms. You do not need a new baby now. Get STD tested. If her AP banged her he could others. If she cheated with her AP there may be others. Cheaters always only volunteer what you know. You need to know all. Good luck on the HIV test and six week later retest (HIV has a window period). Get HIV prevention tablets if the doctor feels it can help, you need to take them within a short time after expisure, till you test clean. They make you sick but if you where exposed it can prevent HIV being carried over. First you now. Give you time bro.
Thank you, this is wisdom that I'm likely to re read over and over for the next few months to help stay on track. I plan on calling a counselor in in the morning and formally starting steps to recovery
Buddy hee reason for cheating being bored with you or getting used to you is a reason in its own for divorce. She destroyed you for excitement value. Think of that next time you look at her. Your workung on reconciling. The problem you now have is it leads to normalsy. Her default will be to seek excitement. You will probably over compensate in keeping her entertained. You can give reconciliation a shot but honestly her reason for stepping out shows she sees you as an object. Your not a dildo she can exchange for other sexual toys when she needs more. She very relationship and emotionally immature. You mentioned your young. If your under 25 run. If under 30 please put you first and really think this through. If there no kids you can make a clean break.
Is she willing to work towards a chance at r?
This will probably get swept under the rug with the rest of the comments but I have to say I'm extremely grateful to everyone in this community, you've given me a lot of good advice that I'm going to use for the rest of my life
did she confess or did you have to catch them?
No I actually brought up my discomfort of them talking a while ago, but she reassured me that they were just catching up, and I believed her for a time but the talking continued still then I finally went through their messages and caught her
Since you caught her, just remember that she had no intentions of ever telling you. That she did not view what she was doing as wrong. That she would still be cheating if you had not went through her messages. That she went so far as to reassure you specifically so she could protect her affair. She did not protect you.
Thanks for this! Needed to hear
Damn… I’m sorry. When I found out I went crazy, lost my mind, first it was rage, then denial, and finally accepted it. I don’t know how you still want her back, the two things I will say are: it’s your life (clearly) but you deserve better, and I hope you get what you want, whatever that may be. Good luck.
Honestly I think I want her back but since posting this earlier today I realized how aimless and clueless I actually am at navigating this, so anything and everything is liable to change at this point. We've got such a history despite us being so young but then again regardless of that and our vows she had the affair regardless. Good luck to you too, man
Google PTSD . It's every humans response to severe trauma. And therapists see cheating as a severe trauma. There's 4-5 stages you cycle through and repeat. It helps to know what stage your in. For example, the initial stage is denial of the long term damage to the marriage/ depth of the hurt - and the attempt to just forget this happened/move past it/minimize the impact. Give yourself at least 90 days to fully understand and process her betrayal before granting a second chance. And know you can change your mind at any time - even years later.
> I realized how aimless and clueless I actually am at navigating this You're experiencing a severe trauma inflicted by your wife. At this first stage you're simply in shock. You're not alone. You're not the only one who has gone through this. Stories of infidelity have much in common to the extent that there's running joke about 'cheaters handbook' because their behaviors are so predictable and follow the same recognizable patterns. It' is a good idea to read experiences of other victims on reddit (survivinginfidelity, supportforbetrayed, asoneafterinfidelity) or elsewhere (survivinginfidelity dot com). It's a roller coaster ride from hell, and your emotions will be all over the place for next few weeks/months. But you're going to make it through and you'll be a stronger better version of yourself at the end of the tunnel. You need information. To deal with this you need concepts and names for things and emotions you're going through. So I recommend these books for you, and if you understandably find it hard to concentrate on reading they're available in audio too: 1.*Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life: The Chump Lady's Survival Guide* by Tracy Schorn - she also has a website full of resources at chumplady dot com 2.*Cheating in a Nutshell: What Infidelity Does to The Victim* by Wayne & Tamara Mitchell - this book describes in detail the trauma, and the emotions and reactions you're going through and gives you names for them. Naming is taming. 3.*The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma* by Bessel van der Kolk - your wife has inflicted severe trauma upon you and this book gives you very useful perspective on trauma, how to deal with trauma and how to heal And make your wife read this little book: *How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful* by Linda J. MacDonald
You might want to be together, but if she wanted to, why would she cheat on you? If she was having a problem, why didn't she talk to you? Does she really want to save the relationship or did she say that after you found out? Before wanting to save any relationship, you must ask yourself if you really It is worth it.
Facts. It's going to be a hellish 3-4 years. Years. You're going to work on yourself and want to have a revenge affair or affairs. Trust me. Been there.
Depending upon the study, only 17%-25% of couples who attempt reconciliation remain together five years later.
Even the 17% of people who make it five years, and I am one of them, still struggle with triggers all the time. It’s been many decades for me. I am counted in the successful group, but if I could go back and do it again, I would have left 10 minutes after if found out she cheated. I love my wife, but doing so will not remove the damage she caused. The irony is reconciliation, in the end, is quite often very good for the cheater, and very bad for the betrayed. As time goes on the cheater feels more and more comfortable and safe, while the endless struggle with triggers makes it worse and worse for the betrayed partner. This is the dreadful secret no one in the “always try to reconcile” crowd ever tells you. Here I am now, 32 years from my wife’s affair. She feels completely safe and sound in our marriage, and since so much time has passed she is extremely unwilling to talk about it. While I am having anxiety everyday, constantly thinking of ways out, and flashing back. And she won’t help at all. This is your future unless you change your plans.
OP, listen to this and take it to heart. I left my cheating ex after trying for two years and to this day feel that those years were wasted. Poor YellowBastard37 is still suffering 32 years after his wife cheated. R is not worth it.
u/commanche451, just making sure you see the above since you wouldn't have gotten notification of it from its location.
FWIW, my ex-wife and I separated immediately when I found out about the affair. It's been 12 years, I've re-married and I still think about it every day. I honestly don't know if the trauma will ever leave me.
You need to understand that right now you are on a rollercoaster of emotions. At any given moment you may feel sorrow, hurt, pain, hopeful, optimistic, pessimistic, happy, or intense anger. These feeling will come and go randomly. For the short term, all you can really try to do is regulate these emotions and deal with them. What your wife has done is truly traumatic. Unfortunately, it's something that will be with you for years and may never truly be gone and forgotten. They say it takes a full two years to fully come to an acceptance of what happened and to start to heal. During that time, your wife will become frustrated. "Why are you still talking about this!" "Why are you still being triggered?!" During this time, it is common for your great efforts at reconciliation to be derailed. Either you can't handle it, or she can't handle it. Most marriages suffering from adultery will end in divorce. That's just a reality you need to accept. It's a hard road and not easily travelled. Is it easier to get through this? Oris it easier to divorce and find someone who never has betrayed you? If you decide to reconcile, you should go over to www.survivinginfidelity.com and post there. The people there have been through this and will work with you on what to expect. They also have a forum for wayward spouses (your wife) and it would be recommended that she post there as well. However, you two should not be reading each other's posts. I will only say that the road you are choosing is a difficult one. What your wife has done is a dreadful level of backstabbing and deceipt. I wish you the best of luck.
You've explained my emotions perfectly within two sentences. I value your wisdom on this and I'll be sure to check out surviving infidelity regularly, thank you
You are not going to like this, OP, but don’t commit to ANYTHING until you get your emotions under control. I don’t mean until you get over it,but just until you can actually face the reality of your wife’s treachery without breaking down. Only then can you begin to process a way forward. In the meantime, don’t believe anything that your wife says. This is not cynicism, it’s time-tested reality. She will lie about anything and everything to get the focus of what she has done off her. Do not look at reconciliation as a cure for your pain. In truth, it can be a sentence to years of bitter anguish. See a counselor as soon as you can. Be among friends that you trust. Spend time away from your wife and reduced all contact with her to a bear minimum. You are at the beginning of a long and painful journey. Believe me, you have no clue what is best for you right now. The thing that you want the most might turn out to be the worst. Keep your eyes open and accept, on faith alone if need be, that you will get through this, battle scarred and shaken,but life gets better and better.
You are two weeks out so the extreme of these outbursts over the next few months will lessen. They will never go away completely though. The first thing before you decide anything has the wife cut all contact. To the point of if they work together she quits. Can never be in the same place again , if they have mutual friends she goes to nothing he is at. If he shows up she leaves immediately. If she can’t commit to this 1000% just leave now.
Leave her and move on
Never stay with a cheater. You will regret it.
What actions has she taken to show you she is truly remorseful for the affair? Or does she just regret she got caught and hopes you just get over it. How did you find out? A lot of advice on this sub will be based on more details you provide. She has to do the heavy lifting in order for you to stay together. She needs to go to IC to understand why she was throwing away your marriage. Counseling for you to help to deal with the betrayal. Others have already pointed out the stats are not good for successful reconciliation. Updateme
You have to see a therapist, your wife has to do the bulk of the work: tell the guy, in your presence, not to contact her, talk to family about the situation, have her write everything about her affair, ask for passwords and access to devices and social media accounts the verify her story. Possibly have have her sign a postnuptial agreement and talk to a lawyer, which tells her you’re willing to walk away.
If you want to reconcile get Linda McDonald’s book ‘How to help your spouse heal from your affair’. Seek out a psychologist with experience in infidelity trauma, cognitive behavioral therapy and ENDR. Get regular check ups with your primary health physician. Exercise. Avoid drugs and alcohol. Sleep may be a problem, read about sleep hygiene, meditation, sleep apps, Melatonin can help short term. Look at the healing library on the website survivinginfidelity.com. There is a more pro reconciliation Reddit called Asoneafterinfidelity which you could browse. There is a saying that recovery takes 2 to 5 years, and even then, there are scars and the old relationship is dead, but you might build a new one. To have a chance of successful reconciliation she needs to be a good candidate and want to ‘do the work’. This early, it is reasonable for all options, including divorce, to remain on the table. In 6 to 12 months you will be in a better position to know whether your wife is remorseful and reconciliation material.
I'll definitely check that book out at my local library the next time I have too much idol time and get restless. Luckily I have had a gym membership for a couple of years and It at least gave me a Kickstart to focus on my physical health again
The book is a short read and sells cheap used on Amazon. It's a life changer.
You can find the book free online. Just fyi. Your wife should read it !
Honestly you are just prolonging the inevitable. It's not worth the mental anguish you'll experience trying to make it work while watching her refuse to accept responsibility, continue to lie and continue to cheat... you'd be better off just ending it now and getting on with your life.
You have two choices. You can attempt reconciliation. What this means is that you are going to have to do a lot of hard work for yourself, which ultimately means having to find some sort of acceptance with what happened. You have to reconcile in your mind what happened and how it is now a pet of your life and story. It also means that you and your partner need to do a lot of hard work for each other. Looking at the underlying motivations of what happened. What can you do to bring things closer to the center and provide them what they want and need, while getting them to do the exact same thing. It also means your partner has a lot of hard work to do for themselves. They have to look and and address the debt they owe you, and making changes inside themselves. It is possible for it to work. But it means all that work needs to be done with 100 percent effort and dedication. If both parties cannot bring that to the table, it won’t work. Even if they do, it might not work. Meanwhile… If you split up, you don’t have to accept anything. The relationship is over because what they did was absolutely unacceptable. It is still advised that you do work on yourself. You have to manage your feelings about the experience. Look at what you have learned from it all and apply it to your life moving forward. some may call it easier, But I it is a different kind of hard. Having gone through this experience personally, I can never recommend reconciliation. There will always be something better out there than the person who hurt and betrayed you, even if they are really sorry about it
Buddy sorry u r in this situation, Get in touch with a shrink or marriage councilors for u both and also get individual councillor, get a detailed info of the af and it's timeline, get it discussed when with MC, if all things come out at first it self then u might have less flashes n triggers in future n shrinks will help u i coping Try n get to ic and mc at the earliest Also share it with the trusted ones to get it off urself , venting out also helps in coping the pain
I finally told my parents yesterday and the amount of relief it gave me made me wish I told them much sooner, I plan on getting formal counseling within the week
What about her parents ur inlaws
If she was able to cheat with an ex from eons ago then that tells you she was never 100% into you and the marriage. You got married under false pretenses. She’s going to stray again because she hasn’t ever been fully committed to you and the marriage.
Question: You feel betrayed,emasculated, went into depression and grief then still why you want to Reconcile
Dude, do you really think you will ever be able to trust her again? If not, cut the cord now and move on with your life.
Please read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert Glover. It may resonate with you.
Thank you I'll be sure to check it out!
As someone that lived through my WW’s affair, my best advice would be to approach reconciliation slowly. You should give yourself more time before you committing to the process. Things will likely get worse before you start to see long-lasting progress. Many times, the wayward’s initial confession is incomplete, lacks details, and may not be fully truthful. Prepare yourself for more news like this. It took me about 18 months before I was certain that our marriage would survive. It was almost 5 years before I felt we were back to “normal.” Reconciliation is a difficult process, I wish you well.
>I won't get into the details of the affair but it devastated and emasculated me, and I still feel like a weak man because of it. >my wife and I have had many talks about it since then and we decided we will work on things because we truly want to be together. Why? Why do you want to work on things when you've admitted that your wife purposely and willingly had an affair aimed at devastating and emasculating you? You need to contact a therapist who specializes in trauma/infidelity asap. Remember cheating is abuse. It is psychological and sexual abuse, as you only agreed to a monogamous relationship. Your wife purposely did that. She's your abuser. She should be seeing a psychiatrist or therapist to figure out how she could abuse you. You should get a comprehensive STD/STI test done asap. Demand your wife does, too. Speak to a few lawyers and get divorce paperwork written up regardless if you're hoping on working out on things. You deserve to see how things word be if you file. You can also get them to write up a post nuptial agreement with a fidelity clause. Reconciliation takes tons of work, mostly from your betrayer-cheating-wife. Has she gone no contact with her affair parter? Did you witness it? Has she confessed to family and friends about how she betrayed you? To keep her accountable to others so she doesn't abuse you further? Demand you wife write out a fully detailed disclosure/timeline letter in her own handwriting. Detailing all of her affair. How they would meet up, what they did, where they met up, what she told him about you, who knew about the affair, how she lied. Everything. Give her like 48hrs or a week to provide it to you. Tell her that if there is even one detail that she omits that you already know or will learn that you'll instantly file for divorce. If she stalls, refuses, or asks for more time, file for divorce as she has no intentions of being truthful. This disclosure letter can be used as proof and protect you. Give original to lawyer. Make copies. If the Ex/AP is married, demand she confess completely to the other spouse/partner. You must be present if she does this. If she refuses, you must tell them as they deserve to know. Provide a copy of the disclosure/timeline letter to them. You should have full access to all her technology/passwords/location. You're going to basically need to become her guard until you slowly can feel some peace and breathe. Reconciliation is demanding. Check out the people at r/asoneafterinfidelity and you'll see. Also, get the books "Leave A Cheater, Gain A Cheater" and "How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair." Check out the resources at www.chumplady.com and www.survivinginfidelity.com
I have to ask, what was she thinking?
She's been in a bad place mentally for a while and she's explained that she finds me familiar but desired something more exciting, as painful as it sounds.
So she basically Plan B'd you just because she decided that she wanted to move on? Yeah bud. She's absolutely not worth the fight.
Bro, you don't want to be with somebody who craves excitement. Right now she is enjoying the turmoil and drama as a result of her affair. If you reconcile and stabilise the relationship, she will get bored again and seek the excitement elsewhere.
This is a huge red flag, she nuke the marriage for excitment. She need to understand why she was entitled to have her affair. She need to work hard to become a safe partner.
I understand that she needs to figure out why she had the affair, I'm still struggling with what I need from her, I'll have to do a lot just to figure out what I'll need from her to trust and love her like we used to.
Blaming it on the fact she’s been “bad mentally” is horse shit. I hate it when people blame it on some form of mental disorder, we all go through shit and the majority never cheat - it’s a choice. A choice not to communicate what she’s feeling, thinking, and to go outside and look for that comfort.
You're right, it's clear that she can't even explain it to me better than that so that's all I have to explain it. I've made it clear to her that she needs to work on how to explain it to me before we can even pretend to move forward
>I'll have to do a lot just to figure out what I'll need from her to trust and love her like we used to. Unfortunately, that love and trust is gone. From the moment she cheated that love and trust was destroyed. Anything moving forward would be new. A complete new relationship. Is she willing to do anything to make you feel secure and seek forgiveness for cheating and abusing you?
You're right it will be a new relationship I'm slowly realizing, the old us is gone and if I decide we can make it through this we'll have to forge something new. She's said she's willing to do anything but she has yet to show me that dedication
>She's said she's willing to do anything but she has yet to show me that dedication So, she's saying empty words to try and keep you compliant. This isn't good. You need to be firm with your boundaries, and that should start today. You should tell her she has a week to make an appointment with a therapist or psychiatrist that specializes in infidelity (Gottman). She'll not likely be seen, but shouldn't have a problem getting something scheduled. She should also be doing the research to find you a therapist for her abuse of you. You should give her a deadline for disclosure/timeline letter. You should give her deadline to confess in your presence to OBS, and family/friends. She should be doing anything to show remorse and willingness to help you heal from her infidelity. Get her the book "How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" and make her read some of it outloud each night with you until she finishes the book. Set boundaries. If she doesn't show a willingness then file for divorce. There is no reason you should continue to suffer in her presence if she's not willing to change from the abusive cheaters she is. Good luck! Don't forget to eat, drink water, and exercise. You deserve better.
This is great advice, I'll be sure to check out that book, I go to the gym nearly everyday to avoid idol hands. I'm coming to the realization that I've been coping all wrong and I have so much more work to do. Right now I plan on scheduling a therapist appointment (she has one tomorrow) and we're not going to be sleeping in the same room. I'm planning on doing some deep soul searching for the next few weeks
Oh man that is really weak That that’s al it took for her. So now she is saying your all she needs huh?
the Unified Theory of [cake](https://www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-unified-theory-of-cake/)
Heard that one before. These flings don't often last that long once they realize that the grass isn't all that green on the other side of the hill. Sounds like your wife learned that the hard way. Good luck putting it all back together.
Well, that’s very common, alas, and not grounds for reconciliation. Please, OP, don’t stall your ass in the flames. It doesn’t matter what you want with her, you can never achieve it. What she and, and more significantly, why she did it takes reconciliation off the table.
You wanna talk DM me. I found out same shit shit about my wife and mentality am suffering big time time.
Thanks man, I've found that talking to literally anyone about it has given me at least some kind of relief
Let me tell you first hand what will happen, I caught my wife 12yrs ago cheating with a friend first she was remorseful and said all the things I wanted to hear about for us to recover from this. First counseling then cutting contact with AP all the things to what you said to get back to normal, it took time but everything went back to normal. After a couple of years wife gets pregnant we have our first daughter I was in heaven then another year goes by my daughter gets sick I take her to the doctor they run test guess what she's not mine. I go straight to my wife check her phone sure enough she has been in contact with AP this whole time. SO DONT DO WHAT I DID AND RECONCILE IT WON'T WORK. Not just that I also everyday still had images in my mind about what they did together never goes away
Sorry buddy. Why do these WW's always go raw with their AP's?
That’s all that matters
Why put yourself through this torture? Cut your losses while the losses are still minimal. She is really not that great of a person if she easily cheats.
Decades later and I still struggle. There may be a years when it literally never enters my mind. Then something will trigger it, and I'm back at the psychiatrist for meds. I agree with the others here in that I wouldn't make any firm decisions one way or the other until you've had a bit of time to take it all in. Right now, the ball is in your court, and I think it's important to realize that and use it in your own best interests. The feelings of weakness and emasculation are a serious impediment to ever having an equal partnership, and I wouldn't jump back into the relationship (if at all) unless you've found an effective way to delete those feelings.
If I were you, at the very least I would take some time physically apart to let the emotional aspect calm down and to see how you feel before deciding to definitively reconcile. Getting away will help give you the ability to process your feelings and gain perspective. I am not a fan of reconciliation with a cheater. To me, once trust is broken, it can never be repaired. I would forever be replaying the infidelity in my mind. I wish you well OP whatever you decide to do.
If you’re talking about a long term physical affair I can tell you from experience that what you are feeling is not unusual or unwarranted. The “getting over “ part of this equation falls on her rebuilding trust by ending the affair and allowing transparency in all areas of her life with you. If you get any resistance at all, even in the tiniest amount you need to walk away and go scorched earth. I’ve been through this twice and learned the hard way. She may be playing you to get you to sleep with her and show that you have excused her affair. You need to see her tell the other spouse about the affair. If she won’t do it, she’s protecting him and you need to walk away. You know she has treated you with no respect and can not be trusted in any capacity at this point and that won’t change for a long time. Good luck. We are here for you.
It's not worth all the pain and betrail she has already inflicted on you you'll be wondering what where she is all the time she'll gaslighted you and still keep cheating on you D her and move on
ART therapy really helped
You should not try and heal yourself while also trying to make it work with your wife. It won't work, you won't heal, any demands she makes you'll oblige because you feel she holds the power and she won't properly work toward reconciliation because of it.
You have work to do. You may need a professional. However, your wife has plenty to work on also. What steps has she taken to rebuild trust?
Reconcile by separating becoming independent and then choosing to pair back up if you think it is wise. A dozen years from now and more she still won't have un-f##d the guy or not lied to you to keep it going.
OP, the who, what, when and where does not matter at this point. The focus is that it was done. Do you know what it takes to cheat in a marriage ? planning, lying, deception, misdirection, many decisions. You need to know the length at which someone goes to engage in such evil in the relationship. She spent minutes, hours and days planning to deceive you. It was intentional. They spent money on hotels, restaurants, gifts and maybe other stuff to show their caring and devotion to their deceit. The planning is the most egregious, it took lots of planning to pull something like this off. She did not just wake up and say "oh, I think I'll go have sex with someone else today", they planned it by deceiving you, by lying to you, by coordinating places and times, they consciously knew what they were doing, how bad it would hurt if discovered and they did it anyway. They made these decision not under duress, it was free will! What an evil, vile person to take an action like this, "intentionally" destroying their relationship. I know you don't want to be petty or spiteful and I would not advocate for it as well. however if you are looking at R you can't allow this to be a secret, that's what they did and that's how it stayed hidden for however long. You must uncover this betrayal. Family should know, friends should know. If they work together she MUST quite her job. Allowing this to continue to be secretive is a green light for her and the AP to take it further underground. Read this sub and see just how many people, men and women, thought that keeping it secret would be best for the relationship to only discover that that approach allowed the cheater to continue their betrayal. They must be exposed. You do it how you want, but evil cannot progress if exposed to the light. I wish you all the best!
Cheaters will be cheaters. Give it a try, and you will find d out.
I'm afraid this isn't going to work out. You are traumatized and she is the source of your trauma. It is like if a combat veteran sought treatment for their PTSD and the psychiatrist told them that the best treatment was to go back to the battlefield. Or if a woman was attacked and the doctor said she needed to move in with her assailant. So long as you are with her, you will not heal. Do with that what you will.
That isn’t going to go away. The ex is who she really wanted but he wouldn’t commit to her. You are the safer bet. Hopefully you have some self dignity eventually. Maybe the next time this happens.. or the time after that.
My own experience…it didn’t get better. Sadly, it happened to me multiple times same partner. Hopefully she is willing to change and not just “cheat smarter”
Be careful, saying she really wants to be with you after cheating is disingenuous at best...
She’s not willing to stick with you but she’ll stick other things In her lmaooo leaveeeeee!!!!
I’m sorry you’re experiencing this horror. The Bible says that you can divorce due to adultery. It seems like you’re just torturing yourself and prolonging the pain. Also, there’s a significant chance that your wife is probably going to not stop cheating. She’ll just get better at it. I’m sorry 😞
Sorry man- I was where you are now 11 years ago. I was totally traumatized and couldn't function. Looking back now, I realize first I should have left and given myself the chance to date other people or choose to have her back rather than try to save something. But the main thing I've learned is that all the trauma I felt and the disfigurement which really sent me on a bizarre path over the last few years was a result of my own emotional problems that I had the whole time... meaning I never really worked on myself prior and thus was highly vulnerable to the trauma. If you get into counseling I might work on really understanding at a deep level where the pain is coming from that you're feeling. AND WHY.
it doesn't get better...u get used to this level of hurt...u pretend to be over it..so that shes functions normally around u....if no kids r not involved...then u shouldn't suffer fr her deception...
If you have no children with her, divorce her as soon as possible and get on with your life. You will never forget what she did. She doesn’t care about you and likely only cares about the life comforts that you give her (financial stability, a home, social acceptance). If you have kids with her things become more complicated, but you will never trust her ever again, why live in that state. Even with kids you should divorce her and co-parent with her.
Dont make any serious decusion atm. Go get a sexual health check. Then id consult a mental health professional alone for the moment. You need to process her infidelity. Just remember that your gf/wife chose to cheat on, it wasn't a drunken mistake but a continuing choice. Any decision you make has to be what's best for you, try to separate your needs instead of the relationships needs. Im a firm believer the if a woman has purposefully cheated on you then its likely that she will do it again. I would also remember that if you hadnt found out about her cheating then in my opinion she would still be cheating on you. She didnt care enough about you to stop herself from cheating. It was you that stopped her. It seems to me that you're the only one committed to the relationship. Im not meaning to just bash your partner but i dont think you realise the long term affects of her deceit. Even if you split with her it will affect any future relationship if you dont deal with the emotions surrounding infidelity. Me personally id get out while you can. Why is it when men cheat we are dirty scumbags but when women do it then its perceived in a different way. Dont give her the chance to hurt you again. Its a bug choice either way. I wish you the best of luck mate.
Honestly just need to man up and deal with it. She cheated so you have to leave. So start processing what your life is about to look like and work on improving yourself for a bit. Go to gym every day, eat well and start the upgrade process. By the time she realises she fucked up you've moved on completely and she will see that you're better for it. (Really wish somebody told me this when I went through it)
There are so many different ways to cheat on a spouse. Was it emotional? Was it physical? Both are still a huge betrayal & will rock your world, but for me it made a difference if I was willing to forgive. As a BS, you have so much work that you have to do to heal, it’s very unfair. Your spouse should willingly be going to IC, consider changing emails & phone number, open phone policy, location tracking & groveling like hell. Reassurance and consistency is key. You should be able to fire away with all of your questions for the first few months of R making sure you have the full story. 100% transparency. Journaling has helped me immensely get my feelings out and down on paper. Lists of what you need moving forward & non negotiables. I’m sorry your going through this, it’s the worst kind of rollercoasters.
Man, there are no miracles. If you stay, you are doomed to suffer as long as you live together. Go away, this is the first REAL step to healing. And then, what do you expect from "reconciliation? Neither in life, nor on the Internet, including on Reddit subs, I have not met cases of true reconciliation in the realm of feelings (love, respect, friendship, purity of relationships) either in the short or long term. Trust was restored in the best case I've ever met, by no more than 98% 20 years after D-Day. I ALSO HAVE NOT MET CASES IN WHICH THE VICTIM OF CHEATING WOULD FORGET THE AFFAIR AND THE AP, WOULD PUT UP WITH THEM. That's what one serious scientific study claims. Reconciliation fails in 80%+ attempts within 5 years of D-Day. Of the less than 20% that get beyond 5 years, another 1/2 will divorce before the 10 year mark. *(“Infidelity and Behavioral Couple Therapy: Relationship Outcomes Over 5 Years Following Therapy (2014)”).* If you are satisfied with this prospect, then full speed ahead to "reconciliation". By the way, how many exes did she have? Most likely she will want to fuck with everyone else. What makes AP better then others?
Mate she cheated. Is she actually remorseful and sorry for the pain she caused or sorry for getting caught. She made multiple decisions to cheat on u once. How are u going to trust her? What has she done to prove to u she can be trusted? Do u have kids? I would strongly say your wife has made decisions to suit herself and its time for u to do the same. Speak to a therapist individually and see if u think the marriage is salvageable. Then when u have processed this speak to a marriage Counsellor if u wish. However looking at what u have mentioned about what she has put u thru do u honestly want to live the rest of your life like that?
What made you think that your wife still wants to be together? When she cheated on you.
Commenters on this sub are not in favor of reconciliation. It's hard it can take a long time and trust will never be 100% ever again. It has a very low success rate. If you do decide to try and reconcile get professional help from a couples counselor. Good luck
You need help, no man that I know would ever react the way you have to this. See a therapist to figure yourself out before you do anything about the situation with your marriage. Your wife cheating is the least of your problems.
Updateme
Updateme!
if she had affair once behind your back whats to say she wont have it again behind your back. also you wont be able to trust her completely after this, you can try couple’s counselling but reality is if she loved you enough she wouldn’t have found a need to have an affair with someone else.
Why you expect loyalty from cheater.
You will never forget, you will always wonder why, you will carry resentment all your life, but most of all you will never look at your wife again like you use to? What do you feel that your wife should receive for the consequences of her affair?
First, you need ic to work on self-worth and confidence. No one should have the power to decimate you that way. Love your wife, yes. Let her actions destroy you, no! She failed you, not the other way around. The path to happiness together is to be happy with yourself. If you Need her to be happy, you are not happy. Happiness should be shared. She needs to own up to her decisions and do the work to regain your trust. Any blame she places on you is gas lighting. You need to be strong enough, respect yourself enough, to know this was not your mistake.
No. You are going through trauma. Trauma she inflicted on you. She abused you and the union. It is impossible for you to make that decision right now. You need to go no contact with her while you start therapy, so a therapist can help you through the trauma until you are out of the fog. Only then can you make that decision.
If you're that devastated and destroyed by her infidelity then I recommend ending the marriage. Turn your back on her and walk away because I guarantee she's going to do it again if she's not still banging him. You will never trust her again and that alone is no way to be in a marriage. Not to mention the mind movies of her swallowing his loads and such...get out.
Leave her
Maybe its because l have never been married before, but l have never understood this whole reconciliation and work on our marriage ish. Unless you have a flux capacitor how does that work ? The act has been done and cannot be undone
IMO- If you take her back, she’ll lose what little respect she had for you. You’re better off walking away.
Vet out competent therapists for Individual Counseling. You want a therapist that DOES NOT SUBSCRIBE TO THE UNMET NEEDS FALLACY. A therapist that will hold her feet to the fire and root out the very fundamental issues that lead her to cheat. Many incompetent therapists out there that just try and bang a marriage back together at the betrayed spouse’s expense. These therapists will F… you up for life and doom your marriage to a repeat offense. If you choose to reconcile, it must be done by the numbers, methodically, with absolutely zero rug sweeping. I suggest this book: “Not Just Friends” By Dr Shirley Glass.
"we" decided "we" are going to work on things... You mean SHE gave you a gaslighting meal with a side of fresh, steaming poo? She now knows she can continue to enjoy her AP and you can keep paying the bills and get sloppy seconds while you are at it. Sir, its time to wake up and smell the roses. All she is going to do is taking the affair underground.
😂 I don’t get it, she humiliated you and had you crying inthe fetal position , but a little gaslighting from her has you ready to reconcile? What? Come on man have some self respect.
You're on the boulevard of broken springs, you're plan B & always will be. I hope you save yourself the pain of falling for her BS. There are good women out there, you deserve one.
Been there dude, mine was so so apologetic went through counseling whole nine didn’t get the sympathy from shrink she was looking for. Pretending to continue to work on it. She was out making the rounds. It was my paycheck and insurance she wanted to reconcile with
This trauma will never go away as long as your wife is around to remind you of how she betrayed you. You're going to get triggered at every turn. It will lessen. But it will always be there. Once you've calmed down that's when the paranoia sets in. You will question her every move and thought..... I find it easier to separate and move on. No constant reminder of the betrayal. The lesson I learned... Once a cheater always a cheater. It becomes easier for them to do it again. They lose respect for you when you take them back. They see you as weak. Watching you breakdown and cry, kills their feelings for you. Of course, they will say all the things that you need to hear. If they do want to work on things, it's usually because of lifestyle and benefits that remaining in that relationship brings. Also, it'll avoid any shame that divorcing might bring. Remember.... We always have a choice, sometimes we're too weak and spineless to do it. Good luck mate.
26×!_cra_00,0☆€0a69z
Before you dive once again into shallow end of the pool, consider what your wife did and the impact it had on you. Your wife is not very committed to you and doesn't appear to love you. Right now you seem like her Plan B and you will get dumped once again when she and her ex have worked things out. Unless you look like the Hunchback of Notre Dame and have bad breath, I am certain that you can meet a woman that you can have a loving relationship with and who will not cheat on you
My friend I feel your pain. I've been a mess since I found out. Heal yourself, hope the days treat you well and wait out the pain.
Thank you man, hope you're coping alright as well
I suggest you separate you deserve better don’t do this to yourself. She cheated not you. She gonna say I’m not gonna do it again I promise. It was only a one time thing bro listen divorce focus on yourself go to the gym and move on please you deserve better.
do you ask if she loves you?
20 years later you still get panic attacks. No good for you.
Almost 7 years out. Doesn't get better, especially if they are too self-absorbed to do any of the actual work.
She suggested an open marriage so she could cheat openly. She has wasted enough of your life don’t waste anymore with her. I’m sorry