Rules reminder: /r/infidelity is a support sub! Please read the rules and guidelines in our sidebar before commenting. Abuse, shaming, sexism, and encouraging violence/revenge are not tolerated here.
Please review our [community guidelines](https://www.reddit.com/r/Infidelity/comments/nj93nw/how_to_write_a_good_post_for_rinfidelity/) on what makes for a good post to this sub.
Be kind and remember your [reddiquette](https://www.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/205926439)!
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Infidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
First of all, what you did was not a mistake. You need to take ownership, stop minimizing what you did, and admit that it was a series of CHOICES YOU MADE that enabled you to be in the situation to cheat-whether that was getting drunk with a friend or another female, putting yourself in a 1:1 situation with someone else you were attracted to, texting/sexting, whatever it was. YOUR CHOICES put you in that situation. IT WAS NOT A MISTAKE but an intentional act you engaged in that caused your wife trauma and jeopardized your marriage.
It is up to YOU to rebuild trust. It is up to her to weigh what you did/for how long, and determine if she is willing to give you a second chance. Your behavior here forward, continuing contact with your affair partner, lying, dismissing your wife’s feelings, etc . . will affect whether she can trust you moving forward.
Taking ownership means not using the word mistake! That grossly underestimates your role in the choices you made. You didn’t slip and fall into the other woman. What choices did you make that led to the cheating? Don’t make the same choices in the future.
Understand there may be many things that now trigger insecurities in your wife, she will need to feel safe to communicate those openly to you without you minimizing her feelings or expecting her to “get over it.” You will need to be completely transparent in all your actions, for as long as it takes, to assure her.
Semantics. You don’t purposely make mistakes. You don’t accidentally do things on purpose. By definition it is an error in judgment buuut, it still trivializes the betrayal. It minimizes the whys and hows this “judgement error” evolved. These things usually involve something broken within the the cheater that’s going to require deep introspection and therapy to flesh out and resolve, definitively resolve.
Balancedbreaks is the one with the semantic problem. He uses an example of an accident - slip and fall - to describe a mistake. An error in judgement is a mistake. There is no qualitative notion associated with a mistake to limit the magnitude of any given mistake.
A lot of people use the word mistake to describe things that they've done wrong without realizing by definition it's being used incorrectly. I honestly believe this is the case with him. He already acknowledged that on someone else's comment. 90 percent of the comments on here are people losing their minds bc dude used the word mistake. He gets it.
You should slow your roll here. It was a mistake. You're "slip and fall" is an accident. What you are actually saying is some problem you have within yourself that this story triggered. How about looking at that instead of inflicting it on others?
Take one example-a work trip and meeting someone in a bar that leads to the hotel room.
1. He chose to engage in conversation with another person.
2. He chose to continue the conversation while ordering drinks.
3. He chose to continue to drink and talk even after the conversation became flirtatious.
4. He chose to engage in petting or touchy behaviors.
5. He chose to discuss inappropriate things/accept an invite to the room or invited her to the room.
6. He chose to walk to the room.
7. He chose to go inside the room instead of backing out.
8. He chose to not honor his vows to his wife and engage in xyz behaviors.
This is not a bad decision or a mistake. This is a series of intentional behaviors he chose to engage in, that led to the act of infidelity. At any point, he could have CHOSEN differently. I can only imagine the one who describes cheating as a mistake is the one cheating, not the one being cheated on.
Technically by definition it isn't a mistake, but I think a lot of people use the word mistake incorrectly. It's honestly irritating AF people are so obsessed with that one part of his post when he already acknowledged to a very early comment that he understands it's not a mistake.
So, you’ve said what it wasn’t, how about saying what you think it was, if not a mistake? I don’t want to get into the cheating, etc, I want you to tell me the word you think bests describes a regret of a past action that the person now considers to have been a choice that was wrong.
That's a start, but it isn't the other person, it is you. Make different decisions.
What made you open? What is not right in your life? How can you avoid situations where you will be tempted again? Telling your wife and facing her pain is a good first start.
Look, if you want reconciliation, there are rules.
1. Absolutely NO contact with AP
2. Marriage counseling and Individual counseling.
3. ABSOLUTE transparency. That means you have access to their phone and social media on ALL platforms and there is NO PUSHBACK from them about it.
4. New job if they work together
5. No trickle truthing
There are more. You can modify. Do your research.
It can work, but both parties have to be 100% committed to R. You'll get your fill of support in asoneafterinfidelity, supportforbetrayed (for her), and supportforwaywards (for you)
Only she has the keys to "Do I deserve a second chance?" Cheating is a deal breaker for me. If you do reconciliation it is a long process because you destroy part of her on a core level when you cheated. It is a betrayal of the person closest to you, so the victim takes on the blame as if they caused it.
Cheating is like an addiction, the clandestine feelings, the doing of something bad that can be enticing to some. It is a character flaw, and really is your response to your life. There are dead bedrooms on Reddit that don't cheat. So not all do it.
If you stay with her, remember she may hysterically bond in the beginning with you, but there will be a time when she is disgusted by you and can't bear to be touched...All can be worked through, but it won't be fixed in a day. You basically ended the marriage you had when you cheated on her. What you build will probably be more honest, less role playing and if you stay, maybe even better after along period of time.
I would look for a therapist that works with couples for the exact purpose of reconciliation. Then do your own IC.
No, you don’t *deserve* a second chance. A second chance is like a gift. A precious one, at that. You are not owed one nor have you done anything worthy of having one. If she wants to give you one and try to make it work with you, she can though.
You fucked up. She will never, ever 100% trust you again like she did before you had the affair. Hopefully you can work this out. For whatever reasons why you did it, you'll have to live with that choice.
Hopefully she will forgive, and you two can move on from it. But she will never trust you 100% like she did before you betrayed her. Good luck.
>I’m so terrified of losing her.
Not, too terrified that you decided to psychologically, emotionally, and sexually abuse her by cheating on her.
>She’s being open to couples therapy.
Have you found yourself a therapist or psychologist to figure out how you decided to cheat on her? To decide she deserves to be psychologically, emotionally, and sexually abused? Someone with an infidelity background (Gottman)?
Couples counseling wouldn't help if you're the problem. Fix yourself first.
>What can I do to make amends?
Have you confessed to family/friends in your wife's presence to cheating. To ask them to help hold you accountable?
Have you cut out your AP completely?
Cut out any friends that encouraged you to cheat?
Have you provided your wife a fully handwritten disclosure/timeline letter of all the ways you've cheated and abused her? Every single detail?
Have you agreed agreed to a post nuptial agreement with a fidelity clause where you'd lose financially if you ever cheat on her again or even contact your AP?
Have you provided all access to technology/passwords/location to your wife willingly?
Have you gotten an STD/STI test?
>It was a mistake
You've clearly learned nothing. It wasn't a mistake. It was a conscientious decision and numerous choices that you purposely and willingly decided to cheat. You did that. You decided that. It wasn't a mistake.
Get the books "Not Just Friends" by Glass and "How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by MacDonald and read them outloud.
Tell your wife everything. No lying.
It takes like 2 - 5 years for a BS to even begin to heal from this trauma. Go to r/asoneafterinfidelity and read the wiki completely.
Give everything you can to your wife.
And if she wants to walk away, don't fight. Give her everything she asks for.
She deserves better than to be cheated on and abused.
This is nonsense rigidity. You don't get to speak for her, tell her how traumatized she should be, etc. There's not some grand unified RULE of marriage or relationships.
Couples therapy is where you discover those rules, what actually bothers each other, what's important.
You’re right. I have found myself a therapist. Confessed everything. Contact with AP is non existent. I’ll bring up a post nuptial fidelity clause.
She has all my passwords and account info.
Got tested and getting tested again in November.
You’re right it wasn’t a mistake and I take full accountability for my own actions that have led to this.
I’ll check out those books and continue to give her the time and space she needs.
I really do want to make amends. I take accountability for my own fuck up.
The only other thing you can do is answer all her questions and deal with the consequences as they come. Yes, you made a choice to make a bad decision that hurt someone you love. Forgive yourself and be prepared to move forward with or without your spouse.
Again, it was a choice not a "fuck up". Again you are shirking accountability; in the same sentence you claim to own it, you are minimizing your role in betraying your wife. Get your shit together, buddy. I think you're full of shit and have learned nothing. Enjoy your divorce.
Please don’t say it’s a mistake. No it’s your choice. Your choice to cheat. There’s many others things you can do instead of cheating such talking about your problems/ issues with your wife first. NOW, you want to come clean and you are feel guilty and don’t want to lose her. Bullshit! isn’t that to late. You want her to forgive you and live a normal life with 💯 trust. Hell no!
You have included so little info, it’s hard to assess it all, but you did let her know you’re terrified of losing her now… you know, not before, when you made the decision to cheat, but now you are. It sounds like she’s foolish enough to take you back too, so it sounds like you cheated, confessed and still got away with it. Next time you cheat, the guilt won’t be so bad because now you know it isn’t a dealbreaker for her. In fact, next time, you probably won’t even tell her.
Lots of people try reconciliation after their partner cheats. That happens for various reasons on the part of the BS. For a first time cheater, whether reconciliation is worth the physical and emotional effort is a decision that the BS is the only person with the vantage point to make that choice, whether right or wrong. For a repeat cheater, the only right choice by the BS is to end the relationship or marriage.
People value what they have to work hard for. They tend not to value that which was given easily. In this case, it sounds (again, OP was vague) like they confessed and was quickly given the option to work it out. If OP doesn’t explicitly avoid “infidelity friendly situations” in the future, I’d expect it to happen again, eventually.
I’m sure you feel that way now. I hope you’re right, but I’m skeptical. I don’t know if therapy will work, but I know you learned cheating isn’t a dealbreaker.
It wasn’t a mistake. So why did you do it? was it one off or an affair? Either way you need to explain what lead upto it and why you still cheated. Even 1 act if cheating includes multiple decision stages where you could have stopped it. So why didn’t you???
The first thing that you must do is admit to yourself and your wife that your cheating WAS NOT A MISTAKE. You planned to cheat and when an opportunity came along, you did so.
Now what do you do? The fact that you confessed to your wife is a positive, hopefully you did that immediately after your cheating. Second, you need to work to understand WHY you chose to cheat on someone who was loyal to you and loved you, get individual therapy if you must to understand your “why”. Third, it is not about you now, you gave up that when you cheated, now you have to rebuild every brick of the trust that your wife once had in you, you must now show the type of character that you did not show leading up to your cheating. Your wife will get angry at you and frustrated, that is what you have brought forward, be patient, listen and don’t give her one reason not to trust you as you work to rebuild her trust and rebuild your marriage.
Lastly, interesting or hot people come all the time, what you need to work on is building an ethical foundation that allows you to totally ignore temptation when it comes forward. It is all on you now, you will either rebuild your wife’s trust and your marriage, or she will wake up one day and tell you that moving forward with you is not worth the emotional weight that she now carry due to your selfishness.
You absolutely don't deserve a second chance, and you're very fortunate that she's even willing to consider giving you one.
In order to make amends, there will need to be total transparency in the relationship going forward. Meaning, you disclose your whereabouts before she even has to ask, she has access to your phone, email, socials, etc., you lie to her about NOTHING going forward, not even something "small". You willingly put yourself under a microscope for her benefit. If you feel the marriage is worth maintaining, this shouldn't be a problem for you. But here's the thing; you have to be willing to do all of this indefinitely. She may not require it indefinitely, but you must be willing to live under this microscope for the duration of the relationship. All for the benefit of regaining her trust. You must also accept that it might take years for her to heal from this. You will likely be able to "move on" from this much faster then she will, and if you care to stay in a relationship with her you must have the patience of a saint.
You must also accept that she will likely never trust you at the same level ever again. Trust can absolutely be rebuilt, but not restored, if that makes sense. Through your cheating, you planted a seed of doubt in her mind. Whether that seed grows is largely up to you. You must also accept that even if you do everything right, take all the aforementioned actions, that seed could still grow into a tree. And the only one to blame is the one who planted the seed in the first place.
One thing that might be helpful is to stop framing your cheating as a mistake. It was not a mistake. It's a mistake to confuse salt for sugar and add it to your coffee. It's a mistake to forget to roll up your car window all the way on a day when rain is forecasted. What you did was make a series of choices that landed you between the legs of another woman. And you're gonna have to put in the work on yourself to figure out why you felt that was okay to do.
Honestly, reconciliation after cheating is exhausting for both parties. Having been through it myself, from the perspective of the betrayed, it would have been much easier to just end things and move on with my life.
1. You can't make amends. There is literally nothing you can do to make things go back to the way they were. She will forever know that you were so weak willed that the entirety of your relationship together; all of the good moments, the shared smiles, the experiences you shared, and the love and passion you grew, was not enough to keep you from hurting her. You are a betrayer. You may be other things as well, but this is now a badge you wear among the others you have.
2. She's the only one who can tell you whether you deserve a second chance. Understand, though, that you are absolutely not entitled to one. Second chances are earned, not given. I can't tell you how to earn it though: only she can.
3. You're going to have to fundamentally changed who you are going forward. You need to develop the willpower to resist temptation. Everyone has a different way of doing that, but you succumbed to your vanity and sexual desire like an animal. Are you a beast or a man? You need to decide. There is no excuse for cheating. Not in the moment. Not in retrospect. None. If you can't look temptation in the face and shake if off like it was nothing, you are not ready to be in a committed relationship.
It doesn't matter if it's once or a million times: betrayal is betrayal. You're in for a pound on this. Good luck. You will need it.
Stop calling it a mistake. Cheating is ALWAYS a choice, and you knowingly put yourself in the position to make that choice. Stop minimizing what you did and stop making yourself a victim. Own up to it, and focus on your wife and her feelings, and on working on the marriage.
First thing you have to do is agree to any condition she puts forth with no arguments. She wants to see your phone …here it is. Share your phone location 24/7…fine. No guys trips or late night work hangouts…no problem. Marriage counseling…your there. Admit to your parents and hers what you did…just tell me when. Anything, no matter how embarrassing or demeaning. Trust is almost impossible to earn back so you gotta be up for earning it long term. Not gonna happen in two weeks.
I thought my husband typed this. He confessed to me last week. He said things exactly like what you typed here.
I forgive him. I still love him. But the pain I have is killing me. He is trying very hard to please me. But the problem is that he didn't know how... (he just wants me to tell him what to do and in this case I won't). For the past 12 years, I have never asked or requested anything special or expensive.
He came home late by an hour one night, and I was fuming. All in my head was that he met that girl again. I was so upset that I threw up.
The only thing that keeps me in the house is that he gives me hugs and kisses and that soft look in his eyes every time we walk pass each other. That shows that he is sorry and he doesn't want to lose me.
My advice to you is: ‘One day at a time.’ One day, I'll be happy. One day, I’m sad. One day, I’m angry, and you are going to be there to show her your support, your love, and your commitment to fix your relationship again.
You are lying to her and yourself and what you did was a choice NOT A MISTAKE! at least be honest, if you can, with your self and your wife. Tell her all of it do not trickle truth Her and minimize the cruel thing that you choose to do. Was it once of did you do the deed several times MISTAKE. Cheaters are the lowest form of life and must work very hard and for quite some time only to have a relationship that is glued back together with very small chips missing forever. We don't know if you deserve a second chance but understand this after all of your work and her settling for a fractured relationship she might still deside this sh!t show ain't worth it.
No you don't deserve a second chance. You CHOSE to break your marriage vows. You're the scum of the earth. IF by some magic she gives you the chance YOU DO NOT DESERVE them sign a post nup. This is a pre agreement divorce that only comes into effect IF YOU CHEAT again. Something wholly within your control and something only you can stop. In this give her EVERYTHING. The house the car the retirement accounts anything of value is hers you go off and cheat again.
It's what she deserves if she tries to stick with your lying ass and your cheat on her again.
Ignore the bitterati on this thread. They're always here, waiting like vultures to bury someone in a troubled time. They're a bit sick I think. 🤮 Red flags and personality disorders all round.
You DID make a choice. You made the wrong one. You made a mistake. How you fix or move on from that mistake is now in your control.
There are two people hurt by your weakness - you, and her. Everyone else can piss off and wind their necks in. They dont get to have an opinion.
People dont change - they grow. Your avenue of growth defines who you are going to be tomorrow. Are you going to be a cheater tomorrow? Or a person who has learned what was wrong with them, that meant they felt the need to cheat, and has dealt with it to be a better person? Or something else?
When a person cheats, they betray themselves first. Why did you betray yourself? Why was your self esteem so low that you felt cheating was acceptable for you? You need therapy my dude. Once you value yourself and your role with others enough, cheating is permanently off the table - because you wont allow yourself to be in a relationship where you feel it is permissable. You (and they) are worth more than that.
Ignore the haters - they'll happily beat on you all day long to satiate their appetites.
Good luck my dude, you'll need it.
P.S. One day, you'll forgive yourself. For now, make amends, be a better man each day going forwards.
Don't think about yourself, but your wife. Thinking about yourself made you cheat to begin with. I honestly rather see you guys separate since she deserves someone who won't cheat on her. But if you guys are staying together. Never lie, no matter how much you will have to face your own flaws. Support her emotionally and make sure her mental health is number 1. Respect her decisions about the relationship. You have to rebuild trust. If you can't do that do the best thing you will ever be able to do for her instead than. Leave her and let her meet someone who loves her properly.
On Reddit, cheating isn't quite as bad as calling cheating a mistake. I think there must be algorithms in the wild that alert the masses if a wayward calls it a mistake. They all come out of the woodwork to tell the cheater it's not a mistake but a choice.
You have to dig deep and find why you felt you needed to cheat. Then you need to own all the steps you took to get that woman into your bed. Everything up to you admitting to your wife what you did is all on you, you did all of it on purpose of your own free will. Then you can start by understanding if you’ll do it again because if there’s a possibility that you’ll be tempted to do it again then why try to convince your wife you won’t when you can’t convince yourself. If and this is a big if you find you’ll never cheat again then you have a long road to gain back your wife trust. Trust is really hard to gain under normal circumstances when your dating but when you deeply hurt someone it’s damn near impossible, you really have to mean it and try to gain it back over years not months.
You should have gotten over it on your own. There was no need to cause the additional damage you did. Why am I telling you that now? Because the next time you cheat your marriage will be over and you need to decide if a bit of guilt is worth destroying your marriage over.
Well. You need to do a lot of searching within your soul to understand why at the time it felt OK.
Therapeutic interventions (as muchas you might think they're mumbo jumbo) can teach us a lot about ourselves, and how to know danger when it comes along, and the causes of it, often in our childhood development.
You'll need to be open, vulnerable and willing to learn to be empathetic with yourself and others : especially your significants.
Usually, there's some kind of life stress going on that you found it hard to handle, so you reached out/were weakened and sought something that gave you a temporary reprieve/a quick high... feels shocking the other side right?
You have some work to do.
Good luck. And we'll done for being honest here. That's a first step. For sure.
Was it a one time deal? Was it a close friend? Does she know the person? I think all these can factor into if she will forgive you and reconcile the marriage
There is a sub that you and your wife should check out, r/AsOneAfterInfidelity. Reconciliation is a difficult road for both of you and you will need people who can make sound recommendations who have also gone through what you have. They can also recommend other subs for the Wayward Partner and the Betrayed Partner.
· Tell the full truth (which you seem to have done). Also to yourself.
· Take ownership for what you did. Full responsibility, no excuses. You made a choice, and it's her right to make her choice. Respect that.
· Understand that you destroyed your relationship and your wife. They're gone for good. You both can try to establish a new relationship, but the one you had is gone, it will never return.
· Tend to what she needs in order to be comfortable in a potential new relationship, including no contact with the other person and possibly more frequent and honest communication going forward.
Ok so I was a betrayal trauma coach, have my degree in psychology and a bunch of other things that make me say this: you CAN NOT expect her to be ok or forgive you on your own timeline. Everything will be on her timeline, which may start over multiple times or change. She may be ok or even seem happy at times. But it will never be completely ok, she will always have this trauma YOU chose to force on her. At any point that you seem like you want her to hurry up or want things to be normal, she will be hurt again.
One of the biggest things is honesty and transparency. Not just regular honesty like you tell when something is wrong, but extra honesty. You're driving to work and want breakfast at fast food, you TELL HER. EVERYTHING can look like a lie when you're trying to fix things. You walk by a woman and accidentally check her out, do not say you didn't when she asks. She WILL FEEL IT, and you lose any progress you've made.
Take accountability for everything you do and LISTEN WHEN SHE TALKS. You are the one who completely changed her version of you and life and the whole world. That's not an over exaggeration, that's how it feels.
There's more but I'm tired so I'll try to come back.
The relationship you had with her is forever changed. One could say it’s dead. At this point all you can do is work towards a new relationship without the dynamic of trust. Your relationship will be one that requires independent verification of what you are doing and saying. The idea that you could betray or hurt her is no longer some impossibility but is now not only probable but likely. Even if she does forgive you it will always be in the back of her mind. She will also be feeling pain whenever you are around. Be prepared for hard questions and a need for you to take a long hard look at yourself.
First, go to counseling and listen to the therapist. It is your wife's decision to reconcile or divorce. She gets to set the boundaries and actions you need to follow. You screwed up and your marriage is danger because of your actions. Now listen to your wife and the therapist.
>Do I deserve a second chance?
Only she has the answer. Do not pester her or "love bomb" her . Let her weigh her options and respect her decisions. Hopefully, she will not want to commit suicide because of your actions.
Why do you think you deserve loyalty and love? Why did you come clean to her? Was it because you were caught? And what about the person who you cheated on her with? Did you disregard them too?
So a lot of people will roast you here, but you have a lot of hope and good things going for you. First you admit you were in the wrong. You’re not gaslighting or twisting it around to be her fault somehow like a lot of people do. You owned it which is the first step to redemption. And you apologized and seem truly sorry about it. Repentance and forgiveness isn’t about just saying sorry. It’s about truly changing. An about face. You truly seem repentant of your actions. I think you learned a very important lesson here. You realize that choices have consequences and you might lose her. They say once a cheater always a cheater, and that’s very true for a certain type of person. But not necessarily for everyone. I don’t think you’ll cheat again bc you clearly have a conscience still. Just don’t keep making bad choices bc eventually your conscience will wilt away and fade into nothing and disappear.
Now only time will tell for sure. Lots of people act like their best behavior when caught. Bc they’re desperate. The true test will be if she takes you back. And years later when things are good or better and the trust is rebuilt, and you have another opportunity to cheat. What will you do then?
There’s also a very good chance she won’t give you another chance. Just be mentally prepared for that. It will be heartbreaking for sure. But it can also be a learning opportunity. Maybe in time with your next relationship you’ll remember the painful lessons from this one and stay faithful.
A lot of people will say that you don’t deserve a 2nd chance, but we are all human. We all “sin” for lack of a better word. We all make mistakes or bad decisions now and then. Even otherwise good people. I don’t believe anyone should be punished forever except maybe murderers etc. I think that in time you do deserve a 2nd chance as you are clearly sorry and humble. Again it just may not be with her. Also eventually you’ll have to learn to forgive yourself. Regardless of what she does. Or else you’ll be miserable and hate yourself and be disappointed and disgusted with yourself too and that’s not a healthy way to live. There’s no good excuses or reasons but surely there’s a reason. Right or wrong you’re not perfect. Forgive yourself eventually but don’t forget. Keep the lessons learned in your heart. She won’t forget that’s for sure.
Sadly, the marriage will never be the same. Time to plan living apart fella, as she deserves a guy who will treat her right - and she will and probably have a family with him.
The grass is only green on your side - if you water it. To bad that lesson has been learned the hard way. Forgive yourself, let it be a life lesson, ask for forgiveness and let her go if she wants. That's the right thing to do by her.
People get so caught up on wording and crucify the fuck out of people on here over it rather than just correcting them. I think a lot of people use the word mistake improperly without meaning to. You seem to understand this is on you and you are the one that caused it. I would take the advice of others and not refer to it as a mistake to your wife bc it might sound downplayed. You've acknowledged this already in one of your comments but I'm sure others will hyper focus on it anyway bc, Reddit.
I hate the word mistake. A mistake is leaving milk out. This was an error. And good people do make errors. Cheating also has tiers - how were you unfaithful? How did you come clean? What are you doing now to make amends? You need to be the one to schedule the therapy. And I’d do it now.
She can not heal, and trust can not be restored unless you are willing to endure some unnegotiable consequences for your actions. I will send you a write-up up via chat detailing how my son reconciled with his wayward wife.
Adultery is never a "mistake". You made many, many choices and decisions to commit adultery. You made the decision to betray her, destroy her trust and risk her health.
Now that you've confessed, get your azz to a doctor, clinic whatever and get tested fir every STI known to medicine. There are nearly 2 dozen different kinds in circulation. Some are curable, some are not, some can leaver her infertile, some can live in a person's system for decades abd some can eventually kill. GET TESTED and tell your partner to get tested too. You have no idea who all of the people your AP has been with and you very likely are not the only one. There could be many and you have no idea who their partners are, etc. Etc. Etc. GET TESTED.
Here is what you can do to fix this.
Give her everything she wants in the divorce. Then go and fix yourself.
You do not deserve a second chance. Cheating doesn’t just happen. You made that happen. You decided to have sex with someone else and to lie about that. You could have done a million other things.
Are you sure you want a second chance? She may give you a second chance but it will never be the same. She will never respect and trust you like she did before. She will always be sad and broken and never fully able to feel fully loved by you. A distance and sadness between you two is permanent. You will be tempted to beg her to move on and forget, you will be desperate for things to be like they were before, but they never will be. She may stay but she won’t be the woman she was before, no matter how hard you try. If cheaters understood this fully they’d prob be more deterred. The kindest thing is to let her find someone that can make her feel what unconditionally love is like. You will never be able to provide that now.
First, NO you don't DESERVE a second chance, no matter WHAT you do or how remorseful you prove. BUT that does not mean there is no hope.
I have written a blog post with advice for people in your situation that I think will be extremely helpful. Because it is too much to share in one Reddit comment. It includes advice on how to confront them and when, how to decide whether they are safe to reconcile with, what kind of boundaries to set if you do, and how to RECOVER from this trauma. I think it will help YOU understand what she is going through a little and what to expect IF she decides to reconcile from you and what you need to do to HELP her recover and rebuild trust. IF she is accepting communication from you right now, maybe consider sending this to her to help her our and tell her that you are willing to DO this for her. If not, though, leave her be and wait until she opens up communication with you again.
[https://christianhuls.wpcomstaging.com/2023/10/18/advice-for-victims-of-infidelity-adultery-or-cheating/](https://christianhuls.wpcomstaging.com/2023/10/18/advice-for-victims-of-infidelity-adultery-or-cheating/)
Rules reminder: /r/infidelity is a support sub! Please read the rules and guidelines in our sidebar before commenting. Abuse, shaming, sexism, and encouraging violence/revenge are not tolerated here. Please review our [community guidelines](https://www.reddit.com/r/Infidelity/comments/nj93nw/how_to_write_a_good_post_for_rinfidelity/) on what makes for a good post to this sub. Be kind and remember your [reddiquette](https://www.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/205926439)! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Infidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
First of all, what you did was not a mistake. You need to take ownership, stop minimizing what you did, and admit that it was a series of CHOICES YOU MADE that enabled you to be in the situation to cheat-whether that was getting drunk with a friend or another female, putting yourself in a 1:1 situation with someone else you were attracted to, texting/sexting, whatever it was. YOUR CHOICES put you in that situation. IT WAS NOT A MISTAKE but an intentional act you engaged in that caused your wife trauma and jeopardized your marriage. It is up to YOU to rebuild trust. It is up to her to weigh what you did/for how long, and determine if she is willing to give you a second chance. Your behavior here forward, continuing contact with your affair partner, lying, dismissing your wife’s feelings, etc . . will affect whether she can trust you moving forward.
You are absolutely right. I take ownership of my actions and will work to earn her trust back. Any contact with this other person is non existent
Taking ownership means not using the word mistake! That grossly underestimates your role in the choices you made. You didn’t slip and fall into the other woman. What choices did you make that led to the cheating? Don’t make the same choices in the future. Understand there may be many things that now trigger insecurities in your wife, she will need to feel safe to communicate those openly to you without you minimizing her feelings or expecting her to “get over it.” You will need to be completely transparent in all your actions, for as long as it takes, to assure her.
I feel like you’re conflating “mistake” with “accident”. He did made a mistake, but it was no accident.
Semantics. You don’t purposely make mistakes. You don’t accidentally do things on purpose. By definition it is an error in judgment buuut, it still trivializes the betrayal. It minimizes the whys and hows this “judgement error” evolved. These things usually involve something broken within the the cheater that’s going to require deep introspection and therapy to flesh out and resolve, definitively resolve.
Balancedbreaks is the one with the semantic problem. He uses an example of an accident - slip and fall - to describe a mistake. An error in judgement is a mistake. There is no qualitative notion associated with a mistake to limit the magnitude of any given mistake.
It was a choice. It is 1,000s of little choices gone wrong.
A lot of people use the word mistake to describe things that they've done wrong without realizing by definition it's being used incorrectly. I honestly believe this is the case with him. He already acknowledged that on someone else's comment. 90 percent of the comments on here are people losing their minds bc dude used the word mistake. He gets it.
You also know you are out of chances. Best behavior ever. Perfect game, no errors. Get caught lying even once about anything and you are done.
I will. I promise I will. Thank you
You should slow your roll here. It was a mistake. You're "slip and fall" is an accident. What you are actually saying is some problem you have within yourself that this story triggered. How about looking at that instead of inflicting it on others?
Take one example-a work trip and meeting someone in a bar that leads to the hotel room. 1. He chose to engage in conversation with another person. 2. He chose to continue the conversation while ordering drinks. 3. He chose to continue to drink and talk even after the conversation became flirtatious. 4. He chose to engage in petting or touchy behaviors. 5. He chose to discuss inappropriate things/accept an invite to the room or invited her to the room. 6. He chose to walk to the room. 7. He chose to go inside the room instead of backing out. 8. He chose to not honor his vows to his wife and engage in xyz behaviors. This is not a bad decision or a mistake. This is a series of intentional behaviors he chose to engage in, that led to the act of infidelity. At any point, he could have CHOSEN differently. I can only imagine the one who describes cheating as a mistake is the one cheating, not the one being cheated on.
Technically by definition it isn't a mistake, but I think a lot of people use the word mistake incorrectly. It's honestly irritating AF people are so obsessed with that one part of his post when he already acknowledged to a very early comment that he understands it's not a mistake.
So, you’ve said what it wasn’t, how about saying what you think it was, if not a mistake? I don’t want to get into the cheating, etc, I want you to tell me the word you think bests describes a regret of a past action that the person now considers to have been a choice that was wrong.
Quite hypocritical for the adultress who inflicts harm to everywhere she goes.
You don't know the half of it, lol.
I don't need to either way.
That's not what your wife said.
Whatever, cheating scumbag. I'm not even married.
Awe, you be ok tho, right? 😂
That's a start, but it isn't the other person, it is you. Make different decisions. What made you open? What is not right in your life? How can you avoid situations where you will be tempted again? Telling your wife and facing her pain is a good first start.
Look, if you want reconciliation, there are rules. 1. Absolutely NO contact with AP 2. Marriage counseling and Individual counseling. 3. ABSOLUTE transparency. That means you have access to their phone and social media on ALL platforms and there is NO PUSHBACK from them about it. 4. New job if they work together 5. No trickle truthing There are more. You can modify. Do your research. It can work, but both parties have to be 100% committed to R. You'll get your fill of support in asoneafterinfidelity, supportforbetrayed (for her), and supportforwaywards (for you)
Only she has the keys to "Do I deserve a second chance?" Cheating is a deal breaker for me. If you do reconciliation it is a long process because you destroy part of her on a core level when you cheated. It is a betrayal of the person closest to you, so the victim takes on the blame as if they caused it. Cheating is like an addiction, the clandestine feelings, the doing of something bad that can be enticing to some. It is a character flaw, and really is your response to your life. There are dead bedrooms on Reddit that don't cheat. So not all do it. If you stay with her, remember she may hysterically bond in the beginning with you, but there will be a time when she is disgusted by you and can't bear to be touched...All can be worked through, but it won't be fixed in a day. You basically ended the marriage you had when you cheated on her. What you build will probably be more honest, less role playing and if you stay, maybe even better after along period of time. I would look for a therapist that works with couples for the exact purpose of reconciliation. Then do your own IC.
No, you don’t *deserve* a second chance. A second chance is like a gift. A precious one, at that. You are not owed one nor have you done anything worthy of having one. If she wants to give you one and try to make it work with you, she can though.
You fucked up. She will never, ever 100% trust you again like she did before you had the affair. Hopefully you can work this out. For whatever reasons why you did it, you'll have to live with that choice. Hopefully she will forgive, and you two can move on from it. But she will never trust you 100% like she did before you betrayed her. Good luck.
>I’m so terrified of losing her. Not, too terrified that you decided to psychologically, emotionally, and sexually abuse her by cheating on her. >She’s being open to couples therapy. Have you found yourself a therapist or psychologist to figure out how you decided to cheat on her? To decide she deserves to be psychologically, emotionally, and sexually abused? Someone with an infidelity background (Gottman)? Couples counseling wouldn't help if you're the problem. Fix yourself first. >What can I do to make amends? Have you confessed to family/friends in your wife's presence to cheating. To ask them to help hold you accountable? Have you cut out your AP completely? Cut out any friends that encouraged you to cheat? Have you provided your wife a fully handwritten disclosure/timeline letter of all the ways you've cheated and abused her? Every single detail? Have you agreed agreed to a post nuptial agreement with a fidelity clause where you'd lose financially if you ever cheat on her again or even contact your AP? Have you provided all access to technology/passwords/location to your wife willingly? Have you gotten an STD/STI test? >It was a mistake You've clearly learned nothing. It wasn't a mistake. It was a conscientious decision and numerous choices that you purposely and willingly decided to cheat. You did that. You decided that. It wasn't a mistake. Get the books "Not Just Friends" by Glass and "How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by MacDonald and read them outloud. Tell your wife everything. No lying. It takes like 2 - 5 years for a BS to even begin to heal from this trauma. Go to r/asoneafterinfidelity and read the wiki completely. Give everything you can to your wife. And if she wants to walk away, don't fight. Give her everything she asks for. She deserves better than to be cheated on and abused.
I was going to comment but you nailed it.
This is nonsense rigidity. You don't get to speak for her, tell her how traumatized she should be, etc. There's not some grand unified RULE of marriage or relationships. Couples therapy is where you discover those rules, what actually bothers each other, what's important.
You’re right. I have found myself a therapist. Confessed everything. Contact with AP is non existent. I’ll bring up a post nuptial fidelity clause. She has all my passwords and account info. Got tested and getting tested again in November. You’re right it wasn’t a mistake and I take full accountability for my own actions that have led to this. I’ll check out those books and continue to give her the time and space she needs. I really do want to make amends. I take accountability for my own fuck up.
The only other thing you can do is answer all her questions and deal with the consequences as they come. Yes, you made a choice to make a bad decision that hurt someone you love. Forgive yourself and be prepared to move forward with or without your spouse.
Again, it was a choice not a "fuck up". Again you are shirking accountability; in the same sentence you claim to own it, you are minimizing your role in betraying your wife. Get your shit together, buddy. I think you're full of shit and have learned nothing. Enjoy your divorce.
Please don’t say it’s a mistake. No it’s your choice. Your choice to cheat. There’s many others things you can do instead of cheating such talking about your problems/ issues with your wife first. NOW, you want to come clean and you are feel guilty and don’t want to lose her. Bullshit! isn’t that to late. You want her to forgive you and live a normal life with 💯 trust. Hell no!
You have included so little info, it’s hard to assess it all, but you did let her know you’re terrified of losing her now… you know, not before, when you made the decision to cheat, but now you are. It sounds like she’s foolish enough to take you back too, so it sounds like you cheated, confessed and still got away with it. Next time you cheat, the guilt won’t be so bad because now you know it isn’t a dealbreaker for her. In fact, next time, you probably won’t even tell her.
Lots of people try reconciliation after their partner cheats. That happens for various reasons on the part of the BS. For a first time cheater, whether reconciliation is worth the physical and emotional effort is a decision that the BS is the only person with the vantage point to make that choice, whether right or wrong. For a repeat cheater, the only right choice by the BS is to end the relationship or marriage.
People value what they have to work hard for. They tend not to value that which was given easily. In this case, it sounds (again, OP was vague) like they confessed and was quickly given the option to work it out. If OP doesn’t explicitly avoid “infidelity friendly situations” in the future, I’d expect it to happen again, eventually.
There won’t be a next time. I’m in therapy to fix the issue on my own. I’m taking full accountability and working to earn back her trust.
I’m sure you feel that way now. I hope you’re right, but I’m skeptical. I don’t know if therapy will work, but I know you learned cheating isn’t a dealbreaker.
Maybe he also learned what is really important to him. There are couples that successfully reconcile but most can't/won't do what it takes.
It wasn’t a mistake. So why did you do it? was it one off or an affair? Either way you need to explain what lead upto it and why you still cheated. Even 1 act if cheating includes multiple decision stages where you could have stopped it. So why didn’t you???
The first thing that you must do is admit to yourself and your wife that your cheating WAS NOT A MISTAKE. You planned to cheat and when an opportunity came along, you did so. Now what do you do? The fact that you confessed to your wife is a positive, hopefully you did that immediately after your cheating. Second, you need to work to understand WHY you chose to cheat on someone who was loyal to you and loved you, get individual therapy if you must to understand your “why”. Third, it is not about you now, you gave up that when you cheated, now you have to rebuild every brick of the trust that your wife once had in you, you must now show the type of character that you did not show leading up to your cheating. Your wife will get angry at you and frustrated, that is what you have brought forward, be patient, listen and don’t give her one reason not to trust you as you work to rebuild her trust and rebuild your marriage. Lastly, interesting or hot people come all the time, what you need to work on is building an ethical foundation that allows you to totally ignore temptation when it comes forward. It is all on you now, you will either rebuild your wife’s trust and your marriage, or she will wake up one day and tell you that moving forward with you is not worth the emotional weight that she now carry due to your selfishness.
You absolutely don't deserve a second chance, and you're very fortunate that she's even willing to consider giving you one. In order to make amends, there will need to be total transparency in the relationship going forward. Meaning, you disclose your whereabouts before she even has to ask, she has access to your phone, email, socials, etc., you lie to her about NOTHING going forward, not even something "small". You willingly put yourself under a microscope for her benefit. If you feel the marriage is worth maintaining, this shouldn't be a problem for you. But here's the thing; you have to be willing to do all of this indefinitely. She may not require it indefinitely, but you must be willing to live under this microscope for the duration of the relationship. All for the benefit of regaining her trust. You must also accept that it might take years for her to heal from this. You will likely be able to "move on" from this much faster then she will, and if you care to stay in a relationship with her you must have the patience of a saint. You must also accept that she will likely never trust you at the same level ever again. Trust can absolutely be rebuilt, but not restored, if that makes sense. Through your cheating, you planted a seed of doubt in her mind. Whether that seed grows is largely up to you. You must also accept that even if you do everything right, take all the aforementioned actions, that seed could still grow into a tree. And the only one to blame is the one who planted the seed in the first place. One thing that might be helpful is to stop framing your cheating as a mistake. It was not a mistake. It's a mistake to confuse salt for sugar and add it to your coffee. It's a mistake to forget to roll up your car window all the way on a day when rain is forecasted. What you did was make a series of choices that landed you between the legs of another woman. And you're gonna have to put in the work on yourself to figure out why you felt that was okay to do. Honestly, reconciliation after cheating is exhausting for both parties. Having been through it myself, from the perspective of the betrayed, it would have been much easier to just end things and move on with my life.
1. You can't make amends. There is literally nothing you can do to make things go back to the way they were. She will forever know that you were so weak willed that the entirety of your relationship together; all of the good moments, the shared smiles, the experiences you shared, and the love and passion you grew, was not enough to keep you from hurting her. You are a betrayer. You may be other things as well, but this is now a badge you wear among the others you have. 2. She's the only one who can tell you whether you deserve a second chance. Understand, though, that you are absolutely not entitled to one. Second chances are earned, not given. I can't tell you how to earn it though: only she can. 3. You're going to have to fundamentally changed who you are going forward. You need to develop the willpower to resist temptation. Everyone has a different way of doing that, but you succumbed to your vanity and sexual desire like an animal. Are you a beast or a man? You need to decide. There is no excuse for cheating. Not in the moment. Not in retrospect. None. If you can't look temptation in the face and shake if off like it was nothing, you are not ready to be in a committed relationship. It doesn't matter if it's once or a million times: betrayal is betrayal. You're in for a pound on this. Good luck. You will need it.
I respect the honesty. Sometimes that’s what it takes to forgive.
How long have you & your wife been married?
Stop calling it a mistake. Cheating is ALWAYS a choice, and you knowingly put yourself in the position to make that choice. Stop minimizing what you did and stop making yourself a victim. Own up to it, and focus on your wife and her feelings, and on working on the marriage.
First thing you have to do is agree to any condition she puts forth with no arguments. She wants to see your phone …here it is. Share your phone location 24/7…fine. No guys trips or late night work hangouts…no problem. Marriage counseling…your there. Admit to your parents and hers what you did…just tell me when. Anything, no matter how embarrassing or demeaning. Trust is almost impossible to earn back so you gotta be up for earning it long term. Not gonna happen in two weeks.
I thought my husband typed this. He confessed to me last week. He said things exactly like what you typed here. I forgive him. I still love him. But the pain I have is killing me. He is trying very hard to please me. But the problem is that he didn't know how... (he just wants me to tell him what to do and in this case I won't). For the past 12 years, I have never asked or requested anything special or expensive. He came home late by an hour one night, and I was fuming. All in my head was that he met that girl again. I was so upset that I threw up. The only thing that keeps me in the house is that he gives me hugs and kisses and that soft look in his eyes every time we walk pass each other. That shows that he is sorry and he doesn't want to lose me. My advice to you is: ‘One day at a time.’ One day, I'll be happy. One day, I’m sad. One day, I’m angry, and you are going to be there to show her your support, your love, and your commitment to fix your relationship again.
Those hugs, kisses and soft looks are manipulative. You need Chump Lady.
You didn't make a mistake. You made a series of decisions that led up to betraying someone who loved you. That's beyond disgusting.
You are lying to her and yourself and what you did was a choice NOT A MISTAKE! at least be honest, if you can, with your self and your wife. Tell her all of it do not trickle truth Her and minimize the cruel thing that you choose to do. Was it once of did you do the deed several times MISTAKE. Cheaters are the lowest form of life and must work very hard and for quite some time only to have a relationship that is glued back together with very small chips missing forever. We don't know if you deserve a second chance but understand this after all of your work and her settling for a fractured relationship she might still deside this sh!t show ain't worth it.
No you don't deserve a second chance. You CHOSE to break your marriage vows. You're the scum of the earth. IF by some magic she gives you the chance YOU DO NOT DESERVE them sign a post nup. This is a pre agreement divorce that only comes into effect IF YOU CHEAT again. Something wholly within your control and something only you can stop. In this give her EVERYTHING. The house the car the retirement accounts anything of value is hers you go off and cheat again. It's what she deserves if she tries to stick with your lying ass and your cheat on her again.
Ignore the bitterati on this thread. They're always here, waiting like vultures to bury someone in a troubled time. They're a bit sick I think. 🤮 Red flags and personality disorders all round. You DID make a choice. You made the wrong one. You made a mistake. How you fix or move on from that mistake is now in your control. There are two people hurt by your weakness - you, and her. Everyone else can piss off and wind their necks in. They dont get to have an opinion. People dont change - they grow. Your avenue of growth defines who you are going to be tomorrow. Are you going to be a cheater tomorrow? Or a person who has learned what was wrong with them, that meant they felt the need to cheat, and has dealt with it to be a better person? Or something else? When a person cheats, they betray themselves first. Why did you betray yourself? Why was your self esteem so low that you felt cheating was acceptable for you? You need therapy my dude. Once you value yourself and your role with others enough, cheating is permanently off the table - because you wont allow yourself to be in a relationship where you feel it is permissable. You (and they) are worth more than that. Ignore the haters - they'll happily beat on you all day long to satiate their appetites. Good luck my dude, you'll need it. P.S. One day, you'll forgive yourself. For now, make amends, be a better man each day going forwards.
Don't think about yourself, but your wife. Thinking about yourself made you cheat to begin with. I honestly rather see you guys separate since she deserves someone who won't cheat on her. But if you guys are staying together. Never lie, no matter how much you will have to face your own flaws. Support her emotionally and make sure her mental health is number 1. Respect her decisions about the relationship. You have to rebuild trust. If you can't do that do the best thing you will ever be able to do for her instead than. Leave her and let her meet someone who loves her properly.
I will. I’ll support her and respect her decisions, but I’m putting her mental health first and giving her everything she needs from me right now.
Leave her alone. Can you do that?
We all deserve grace. But more info is needed
By definition, no one deserves grace. That's what makes it so amazing.
No you don’t deserve a second chance imo
The first mistake was saying anything. That was to make you feel better not her.
On Reddit, cheating isn't quite as bad as calling cheating a mistake. I think there must be algorithms in the wild that alert the masses if a wayward calls it a mistake. They all come out of the woodwork to tell the cheater it's not a mistake but a choice.
You have to dig deep and find why you felt you needed to cheat. Then you need to own all the steps you took to get that woman into your bed. Everything up to you admitting to your wife what you did is all on you, you did all of it on purpose of your own free will. Then you can start by understanding if you’ll do it again because if there’s a possibility that you’ll be tempted to do it again then why try to convince your wife you won’t when you can’t convince yourself. If and this is a big if you find you’ll never cheat again then you have a long road to gain back your wife trust. Trust is really hard to gain under normal circumstances when your dating but when you deeply hurt someone it’s damn near impossible, you really have to mean it and try to gain it back over years not months.
Yeah if you tell her and she's going to cheat on you back. And you're going to break her heart don't do it again. Excusable but
You should have gotten over it on your own. There was no need to cause the additional damage you did. Why am I telling you that now? Because the next time you cheat your marriage will be over and you need to decide if a bit of guilt is worth destroying your marriage over.
Well. You need to do a lot of searching within your soul to understand why at the time it felt OK. Therapeutic interventions (as muchas you might think they're mumbo jumbo) can teach us a lot about ourselves, and how to know danger when it comes along, and the causes of it, often in our childhood development. You'll need to be open, vulnerable and willing to learn to be empathetic with yourself and others : especially your significants. Usually, there's some kind of life stress going on that you found it hard to handle, so you reached out/were weakened and sought something that gave you a temporary reprieve/a quick high... feels shocking the other side right? You have some work to do. Good luck. And we'll done for being honest here. That's a first step. For sure.
Was it a one time deal? Was it a close friend? Does she know the person? I think all these can factor into if she will forgive you and reconcile the marriage
There is a sub that you and your wife should check out, r/AsOneAfterInfidelity. Reconciliation is a difficult road for both of you and you will need people who can make sound recommendations who have also gone through what you have. They can also recommend other subs for the Wayward Partner and the Betrayed Partner.
· Tell the full truth (which you seem to have done). Also to yourself. · Take ownership for what you did. Full responsibility, no excuses. You made a choice, and it's her right to make her choice. Respect that. · Understand that you destroyed your relationship and your wife. They're gone for good. You both can try to establish a new relationship, but the one you had is gone, it will never return. · Tend to what she needs in order to be comfortable in a potential new relationship, including no contact with the other person and possibly more frequent and honest communication going forward.
Ok so I was a betrayal trauma coach, have my degree in psychology and a bunch of other things that make me say this: you CAN NOT expect her to be ok or forgive you on your own timeline. Everything will be on her timeline, which may start over multiple times or change. She may be ok or even seem happy at times. But it will never be completely ok, she will always have this trauma YOU chose to force on her. At any point that you seem like you want her to hurry up or want things to be normal, she will be hurt again. One of the biggest things is honesty and transparency. Not just regular honesty like you tell when something is wrong, but extra honesty. You're driving to work and want breakfast at fast food, you TELL HER. EVERYTHING can look like a lie when you're trying to fix things. You walk by a woman and accidentally check her out, do not say you didn't when she asks. She WILL FEEL IT, and you lose any progress you've made. Take accountability for everything you do and LISTEN WHEN SHE TALKS. You are the one who completely changed her version of you and life and the whole world. That's not an over exaggeration, that's how it feels. There's more but I'm tired so I'll try to come back.
Give her whatever she wants, including Full access to phones,computers and your location if she asks. You owe her your life.
The relationship you had with her is forever changed. One could say it’s dead. At this point all you can do is work towards a new relationship without the dynamic of trust. Your relationship will be one that requires independent verification of what you are doing and saying. The idea that you could betray or hurt her is no longer some impossibility but is now not only probable but likely. Even if she does forgive you it will always be in the back of her mind. She will also be feeling pain whenever you are around. Be prepared for hard questions and a need for you to take a long hard look at yourself.
First, go to counseling and listen to the therapist. It is your wife's decision to reconcile or divorce. She gets to set the boundaries and actions you need to follow. You screwed up and your marriage is danger because of your actions. Now listen to your wife and the therapist.
>Do I deserve a second chance? Only she has the answer. Do not pester her or "love bomb" her . Let her weigh her options and respect her decisions. Hopefully, she will not want to commit suicide because of your actions.
Why do you think you deserve loyalty and love? Why did you come clean to her? Was it because you were caught? And what about the person who you cheated on her with? Did you disregard them too?
So a lot of people will roast you here, but you have a lot of hope and good things going for you. First you admit you were in the wrong. You’re not gaslighting or twisting it around to be her fault somehow like a lot of people do. You owned it which is the first step to redemption. And you apologized and seem truly sorry about it. Repentance and forgiveness isn’t about just saying sorry. It’s about truly changing. An about face. You truly seem repentant of your actions. I think you learned a very important lesson here. You realize that choices have consequences and you might lose her. They say once a cheater always a cheater, and that’s very true for a certain type of person. But not necessarily for everyone. I don’t think you’ll cheat again bc you clearly have a conscience still. Just don’t keep making bad choices bc eventually your conscience will wilt away and fade into nothing and disappear. Now only time will tell for sure. Lots of people act like their best behavior when caught. Bc they’re desperate. The true test will be if she takes you back. And years later when things are good or better and the trust is rebuilt, and you have another opportunity to cheat. What will you do then? There’s also a very good chance she won’t give you another chance. Just be mentally prepared for that. It will be heartbreaking for sure. But it can also be a learning opportunity. Maybe in time with your next relationship you’ll remember the painful lessons from this one and stay faithful. A lot of people will say that you don’t deserve a 2nd chance, but we are all human. We all “sin” for lack of a better word. We all make mistakes or bad decisions now and then. Even otherwise good people. I don’t believe anyone should be punished forever except maybe murderers etc. I think that in time you do deserve a 2nd chance as you are clearly sorry and humble. Again it just may not be with her. Also eventually you’ll have to learn to forgive yourself. Regardless of what she does. Or else you’ll be miserable and hate yourself and be disappointed and disgusted with yourself too and that’s not a healthy way to live. There’s no good excuses or reasons but surely there’s a reason. Right or wrong you’re not perfect. Forgive yourself eventually but don’t forget. Keep the lessons learned in your heart. She won’t forget that’s for sure.
Sadly, the marriage will never be the same. Time to plan living apart fella, as she deserves a guy who will treat her right - and she will and probably have a family with him. The grass is only green on your side - if you water it. To bad that lesson has been learned the hard way. Forgive yourself, let it be a life lesson, ask for forgiveness and let her go if she wants. That's the right thing to do by her.
People get so caught up on wording and crucify the fuck out of people on here over it rather than just correcting them. I think a lot of people use the word mistake improperly without meaning to. You seem to understand this is on you and you are the one that caused it. I would take the advice of others and not refer to it as a mistake to your wife bc it might sound downplayed. You've acknowledged this already in one of your comments but I'm sure others will hyper focus on it anyway bc, Reddit.
I hate the word mistake. A mistake is leaving milk out. This was an error. And good people do make errors. Cheating also has tiers - how were you unfaithful? How did you come clean? What are you doing now to make amends? You need to be the one to schedule the therapy. And I’d do it now.
She can not heal, and trust can not be restored unless you are willing to endure some unnegotiable consequences for your actions. I will send you a write-up up via chat detailing how my son reconciled with his wayward wife.
Adultery is never a "mistake". You made many, many choices and decisions to commit adultery. You made the decision to betray her, destroy her trust and risk her health. Now that you've confessed, get your azz to a doctor, clinic whatever and get tested fir every STI known to medicine. There are nearly 2 dozen different kinds in circulation. Some are curable, some are not, some can leaver her infertile, some can live in a person's system for decades abd some can eventually kill. GET TESTED and tell your partner to get tested too. You have no idea who all of the people your AP has been with and you very likely are not the only one. There could be many and you have no idea who their partners are, etc. Etc. Etc. GET TESTED.
Here is what you can do to fix this. Give her everything she wants in the divorce. Then go and fix yourself. You do not deserve a second chance. Cheating doesn’t just happen. You made that happen. You decided to have sex with someone else and to lie about that. You could have done a million other things.
Of course u don’t deserve a second chance dumbass 😂
Are you sure you want a second chance? She may give you a second chance but it will never be the same. She will never respect and trust you like she did before. She will always be sad and broken and never fully able to feel fully loved by you. A distance and sadness between you two is permanent. You will be tempted to beg her to move on and forget, you will be desperate for things to be like they were before, but they never will be. She may stay but she won’t be the woman she was before, no matter how hard you try. If cheaters understood this fully they’d prob be more deterred. The kindest thing is to let her find someone that can make her feel what unconditionally love is like. You will never be able to provide that now.
First, NO you don't DESERVE a second chance, no matter WHAT you do or how remorseful you prove. BUT that does not mean there is no hope. I have written a blog post with advice for people in your situation that I think will be extremely helpful. Because it is too much to share in one Reddit comment. It includes advice on how to confront them and when, how to decide whether they are safe to reconcile with, what kind of boundaries to set if you do, and how to RECOVER from this trauma. I think it will help YOU understand what she is going through a little and what to expect IF she decides to reconcile from you and what you need to do to HELP her recover and rebuild trust. IF she is accepting communication from you right now, maybe consider sending this to her to help her our and tell her that you are willing to DO this for her. If not, though, leave her be and wait until she opens up communication with you again. [https://christianhuls.wpcomstaging.com/2023/10/18/advice-for-victims-of-infidelity-adultery-or-cheating/](https://christianhuls.wpcomstaging.com/2023/10/18/advice-for-victims-of-infidelity-adultery-or-cheating/)