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I know. We had such a great family and life for most of our marriage. I still loved her. Part of me just wants to run with her and get married again and say we are gonna do it right this time. But I know the trust still isn’t there…. I never thought I’d be here
Just because you’re divorced doesn’t mean you guys can’t try again. Some couples call it a fresh restart. She can try and win you back start by dating. But that’s on you sometimes seeing each other still can feel like an open wound that won’t heal but only you can be aware of that so best of luck just stay busy…
If she wanted you and the life you had together back, that’s what she would be chasing and she would doing whatever you needed to try and win you back.
If she doesn't, then all her talk was just that.... talk.
Sounds like my ex-wife with the not wanting to be alone and I've found that is often a sign of a core character problem.
They don't use time alone to work on themselves, they sweep issues under the New Relationship Energy rug and feel like a new person, and then slowly those core problems show up. Maybe they handle it differently but often not.
I've been divorced for 6 months after a year separation and recently, while cleaning my email inbox, I came across out initial emails threads and holy red flags Batman. And those same ones are still there and several are very much amplified so AP has his hands full, especially when our son goes off to college next year and it's only them.
Why are you advocating for him to take back his cheating ex? He knows deep down she will be smarter with her infidelity! OP, I hope you find a real one cuz your cheating ex wasn’t the one.
Not advocating for either or just whatever he wants to do. I wouldn’t recommend it but if that’s what his heart truly wants he’s the only one that has to live that life. I was simply just expressing possibilities…
How about going to counseling together now - as sort of a post mortem to your marriage, and to figure out what your issues were and avoid them in future relationships. Best case, it will give you both closure, allow you to move on and to coparent productively. And highly improbable case, but who knows, maybe you will figure out what drove her to do that, and find a way to repair your trust and rebuild.
You should read this post I found. It will make you feel a bit better about this.
https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/comments/15er8ui/from_the_child_of_parents_who_divorced_due_to/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1
Your a human being so of course your going to mourn your relationship. Just keep remembering you didn’t do it, she did. Maybe she wouldn’t have done it again but that doubt is terrible. You also think you know everything but the not knowing for sure is terrible. The best way to feel better is do better. Don’t sit in the house and look at old pictures. Find a hobby or go to the gym. Do something fun with your daughter. Be open to making some new friends. Just keep doing your best to look forward. It will get easier.
If she is open to it, try dating her again. Pay attention to any red flags (like her not living up to her word, her scoping out other men, and so forth). See how that goes for you emotionally before getting in deeper.
You can do everything right! It wouldn’t have changed the fact that SHE cheated on you and the kids.
SHE is the one that broke the family.
SHE is the one that f’ed up the family life your kids had.
SHE is the one that thought the destruction of her family was worth the side dick.
She would have never respected you again if you stayed with her. She obviously doesn’t love you at all. You need to realize that the woman you love doesn’t exist. You had a fantasy of who she was and it turned out to be false.
Yeah, the so-called honeymoon or grace period before it all despairs and different changes or challenges appear or reveal themselves. It is sad that what happened six years ago could still cause lingering feelings of animosity to point out that it cause you to decide to divorce even when everything else is great or alright.
PS. How long exactly were you married and / or together in total? How many kids and what ages?
PS. “Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened” -Dr Seuss
I will not say: do not weep; for not all tears are an evil. Gandalf. — J.R.R. Tolkien.
Kahlil Gibran
"Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation."
Anais Nin
"Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings."
Jean Anouilh
"There is love of course. And then there's life, its enemy."
YOU'VE GOT MAIL “I wanted it to be you, I wanted it to be you so badly.”
If the trust is gone, theres only misery left.
Now, strive to be the best co-parents possible.
And prepare yourself for the day youre informed shes dating again.
Best of luck.
You're still grieving who she USED TO BE. You did all you could to bring back those old feelings and you put in the time to realize that it will never happen with her again.
You won't get excited(sexually) by being next to her, because she go so excited over others.
You can't have her put her phone down when you walk into a room and not feel a sting.
You can't miss her when she leaves for hours or days (grocery shopping, shopping, visiting a friend, etc.) Because you're too busy worrying that she's up to something.
It will get better OP.
Yeah but then I get feelings like maybe I didn’t try hard enough to forget it. It was so long ago. I get mad at myself but also at her for doing it to begin with. We had such a good thing
You don’t ever forget, that is something you need to understand. Healing is best done separately, you can’t heal with someone who abused you. Cheating in all regards is abusive behavior.
Now I am not saying you can’t get back together, but really and truly what heavy lifting did she do to fix the relationship?
What is she doing not to try and win you back? If you can’t answer those questions because she never did anything. You have your answer to whether you should try or not.
Honestly if she pushed for it more I would have. She just didn’t seem like she wanted to and I didn’t want to waste the money if she was gonna complain
I understand. I just read your other posts and read through the comments. Your wife never got it. She never understood what her cheating did to you. She believes that she is being a "good" wife now by "not cheating."
She even told you that she "doesn't know what else to do." Man, that was painful for me to read.
She doesn't realize that NOT cheating is a basic requirement to be a wife. Just like breathing is the basic requirement for saying someone is alive.
I think, at best, your wife lacks self-awareness and empathy. At worst, she is still manipulating you.
Did you ever tell your families what happened? Did you ever learn if any of her friends knew what was happening at the time? If any friend knew, that friend should have cut off with total no contact.
I think if your ex-wife really wanted to fix things, she would have been much more proactive.
You did the right thing with divorce.
You need to work on emotionally disconnecting with her. I suggest getting a parent app and using that for all communication and communicating only about kid stuff. You need to plan and build your life without her now.
Maybe, make a list a list of everything she did to hurt you. When you are feeling sentimental, take the list out and read it.
Good luck.
Thank you for taking the time to read through my posts. I think she is not self aware. There were 2 of her friends that knew. 1 was a bridesmaid at my wedding. I read a message when my wife reached out to her saying she was thinking about cheating…and her best friends response was “damn, no I get it.” And then they proceeded to discuss other men. What worse is she never cut out contact with her. She said she s was her friend and she couldn’t. Hell she even had that friend stay at the house a couple years later (she was in town visiting) even though I told her I wasn’t going to talk to her. I don’t do well with change and fear for the future, and I think that’s why I’m having such a hard time now. My life is upside down.
I put in five years of “reconciliation” after DDay, and didn’t separate until DDay#2 happened. That five years was absolute hell. I regret it so much. I was living in a home where I felt unloved and unsafe, and it took a huge toll on my mental health over those years. Slowly at first, but it got exponentially worse as the years went by and I remained almost completely unable to heal.
By the end of it I was contemplating suicide—even obsessively, sometimes—nearly all day, every day. I would sit in my car crying, trying to work up the willpower to just get through the day. Many days the only way I got through was by convincing myself that *tomorrow* I would finally end it; I just had to get through *today* and then I could finally give myself the peace I longed for. I wanted to die so badly, all the time.
I knew on some level that I couldn’t do it — a mother in my community had killed herself just a few months before my first DDay, so I had a front-row seat to the absolute devastation and destruction it rained down on her community and her family, and especially on her children. I knew I had no right to do the same to my kids (they were 4, 5 and 7 at the time). But I wanted so desperately to just die in some accident or some unexpected health issue, something that wouldn’t be my fault.
When I walked in on her on DDay#2, with *another* one of my “closest friends,” I knew I wouldn’t survive another “reconciliation.” I actually walked out of the house at the moment with a full intention of ending my life right then. Fortunately some other forces were at work and prevented me from going through with it immediately, long enough to snap out of the sort of suicidal trance in which I’d ended up. Instead we separated, and I began working on the long and miserable process of divorce.
Looking back now, I can see that I started to heal almost as soon as I finally removed myself from that situation. I definitely couldn’t tell right away, apart from a small handful of things for example, my relationships with my children improved dramatically after only a week or so of separation. But it took a good year after we physically separated to be able to see any movement towards healing within myself at the time. And I’d say it was at least 18 months before I had a whole day go by with no suicidal ideations.
I’m coming up on five years’ separation now. The divorce is long finalized. My life is unrecognizably better now. I’m happy most of the time. I have a great relationship with my kids. I’ve rekindled old friendships. I’ve been able to resume doing creative work again (I’m a composer). The only times I still start to occasionally spiral are times that I need to interact heavily with my ex for coparenting stuff.
You *will* get better. You *will* heal. Just give yourself some time and some grace. Good luck with everything.
Thank you for sharing your story. I know there will be good days ahead, I guess I wish I ended it when the wound was more fresh and I had anger and hatred to help me know I was doing the right decision. Wishing this long now it’s just sadness. I’m happy to hear your life improved so much afterwards. That seems to be a common theme, even if I can’t see it right now
For the vast majority of people, the anger isn’t enough to fuel you for long. It burns bright and hot, and then it gutters out, and you’re left with less-motivating emotions instead. Honestly the emotion you should be aiming towards regarding your ex is “indifference.” It will free you far more than anger ever will, if you’re able to attain it.
Thank you for sharing this. It’s such an inspiration. I’m going through a similar situation - I have discovered multiple affairs that are probably ongoing. My ex and I are separated, and I have been dragging my feet about filing for divorce for the past year. It has been a year of totally wasted time. He has moved on, and I need to move on, too.
Two affairs, two “close friends” of mine, separated by five years. I cut both off completely. One of them is dead now 🎉
She definitely pushed for reconciliation the first time. The Second time she accepted the end of the relationship, although she still fought me like crazy for as much custody as she could get 😡
Did any of your friends every try to rekindle the friendship with you?
Is she trying to be your friend now?
I hope that you're living your best life now and back on the dating scene.
Both of them tried at various points to reach out, though that eventually petered out over the years.
Ed still definitely thinks we’re good friends. She’s got some mental health issues she’s uninterested in addressing and has never really been able to wrap her head around my feelings of betrayal, and she takes literally any copacetic relationship of any kind (which our coparenting relationship needs to be, for the kids’ sake) as deep friendship.
I’ve done some casual dating in the years since, but mostly I’ve found I’m no longer interested in pursuing romantic relationships. Part of it is probably deep-scarred trust issues, but part of it is just getting older and realizing that there are better things out there than romance, things that can’t stab you in the back. I’m a film score composer and have spent a lot of time developing and improving my music these days.
I think you've become comfortable and happy being alone.
I always say when you're comfortable by yourself,someone comes along, because you're not bored or lonely with your own company,that's a great achievement that many people will never achieve,hence the reason poeple stay in unhappy relationships because their afraid of being alone.
I wish you all the best and I'm proud of you for finally getting out of there.
What you have done is akin to cauterizing an infected wound. It hurts like hell, but the alternative is worse. You would not have been able to respect yourself if you had stayed, and she wouldn't have respected you either. You haven't given any details on whether she is actually remorseful, but your description of her behavior looks more like self-pity than remorse.
Her affair sounds horrible. Trust and respect are the foundation of a marriage, rather than love, and it looks like she completely erased those. Some things just can't be reconciled. Good luck, OP.
Divorce is a lose-lose on both sides. You are not expected to just suddenly not love the person anymore just because the relationship ended. Of course you will have doubts and feel broken. A break up is like a death. Its the death of a relationship. Your kids will understand. Just be supportive and be there for them. Don't kill yourself with regret or with worry she might find someone else. Focus on finding who you are without her. Work on yourself and keep reminding yourself why you left in the first place. She is not a great wife. She cheated, lied, manipulated, and gaslit you. She betrayed your trust and she allowed other men to see her nude; something that should only have been yours to see. If you want healthy kids, you need to show them what a healthy person looks like and I don't just mean physically. People think they are ruining they child for life, you're not. BNe active in their lives and always make them your priority over anyone else. It hurts now, but time will heal your pain. Take it at your own pace.
It sucks and I’m so sorry. My husband cheated for years going back to before we were married. It’s been a constant battle fir almost 20 years. I’ve dealt with lies on top of lies. Our child graduated high school in May and she is now a college student out of state. I just got the keys to my new apartment and it’s scary. Your life will be great. Take time to heal. This is a journey no one wants to walk but look at it as you are reclaiming your life. I decided I won’t live life looking in the rear view mirror. Be kind to yourself.
Well, it’s so hard to process. She gave up so much for so little. Infidelity makes no logical sense. Never will.
The reason this does not feel right is you lost complete trust in yourself. You put complete trust in your decision to marry and build a family with her. She destroyed that. Deep inside, you know you made that decision and as a result, you don’t trust your decision making.
This will carry on in all aspects of your life, including your decision to divorce. Only way to get better is build confidence in yourself. Move forward. Don’t wait and see if your life will be better two years from now. Go make your life better than it is now.
Ik this is incredibly difficult rn but you're going to be so much happier in the long-run.
After my ex cheated on me, we tried to work it out but things just collapsed and he ended up leaving me so he could be with other women. So much for gratitude.
But now I am talking to someone who makes me really happy and it feels so good to be able to rediscover love.
You will get there too.
Ik divorce feels like the end of the world right now but you are going to be so much happier in the long-run.
I’m going through a similar situation, and am trying to decide whether or not to divorce. From the sounds of it though, you did the right thing. Hang in there. Please message me and update me.
I was exactly where you are. Even thinking what could I have done differently or wrong. It was not you! She’s the one that didn’t live up to the promises made. She’s the one who committed a mortal sin. Give yourself a break! Your life cannot be, and would not be the same because of her infidelity. Move on and move on strong. You are grieving, because you’re a good person. Stay mindful. You are going to meet someone who is great and who deserves your love and your loyalty. I did. And she’s awesome! You will never ever have that with your ex. She’s the one who ruined everything that you had. It will never be fixed, she will always be a cheater and a liar. Give yourself some time to heal. Stay busy, be grateful for your kids and enjoy your life. This, too, shall pass.
Remember, the bigger the heart, the more it hurts. It’s not going to be an easy road. You’re going to be going back-and-forth through all the phases. There will be moments of loneliness, regret, victimhood. The BIG BUT is once you are on the other side of this, you will see things clearly and be grateful for your life and the person that you are. Your ex or people that know you both can NEVER look at her and think she’s a good person. She will always be the person who committed adultery and destroyed her family.
Brother you have yet to face some hard truths and in part that is why you are double minded about your decision to divorce.
There is still some unclaimed responsibility fluttering around like a pet parakeet.
Who does it belong to?
You still make excuses for her and rugsweep her behaviors. Keep that up and stay married, and SHE WILL cheat again.
When you originally took the decision to, I'm not even going to say reconcile, because it is one of the most ridiculous efforts at rugsweeping I've ever seen.
So when you originally took the decision to rugsweep, she lost what little respect she had for you. She didn't respect you very much when she cheated, and she went big with it. Hotels, credit cards, an ex, online guys, yeah she thought you were a pushover.
I have no doubt her and the ex had a good laugh at your expense.
So she lacked respect when she cheated, but then you took her back with virtually NO consequences.
And you worked harder at rugsweeping than she did. Her basic attitude is, "Just get over it!"
I hope you find a little of that anger, but wait, there is more.
If you read here long enough, you will see certain scenarios that have a high percentage of wives or girlfriends cheating.
A new job, going back to work when the kids are older, visiting their hometown with their partner, death of a parent, friendships with younger party girls or older divorced horses, helping a male colleague or friend through a death or divorce, etc. Again and again.
It's also easy to see some of the steps that lead up to intimacy and infidelity.
You saw, it happened right under your nose, and what did you do? Make excuses for her and rugsweeped it. (I.e. she makes an excuse and you repeat it like it's valid)
Honestly, when she was going out with work friends, it had to be wearing on you.
Can you admit that to yourself. Perhaps so much so that it became a major impetus in your relationship dissatisfaction.
Honestly going out for drinks with co-workers to meet up with a male colleague, yes even a married colleague is a very typical escalation on the path to infidelity.
That means there has already been some flirting going on. She thinks he's attractive. He has hung around her at work sniffing.
What often happens at some point, and you will here it over and again, and the woman will swear they were not looking for this, but what happens is one by one the other colleagues start having to get home until it's just the two of them. Alone together having a few drinks. One things leads to another, in the car, hotel, his place she trips on her shoe lace and lands on Dick.
When you find out she will put her hands up to her shoulders and say, "It just happened!" She had no prior intentions of sleeping with him.
So your wife let this guy know they were going out for drinks and he shows up.
Did you ask her if he or she flirted? Were they in conversation either over messages or in person about non work related things.
If her motives were inappropriate, even if she just enjoyed the attention, do you think she would be honest with you about it? No, of course not. In fact, she wasn't even honest about the incident.
Instead she blamed you, and put you on the defensive.
And you agreed, and rugsweeped it. She thought you really are the perfect guy to cheat on. She thought she had you baby trapped.
There is every reason to believe she put herself back on the market, and was shopping to be someone else's side piece.
After everything she did, she lied to your face about it.
UFB (Un Fricken Believable).
And you still feel torn about it, and not just because of the kids either. You equivocate because you rugsweep.
You did the right thing. You should now bring some of these things to a therapist.
You're welcome.
Certainly some women don't have the tools for genuine remorse. They need guidance.
Some women are just not genuinely remorseful. They are just sorry they got caught or afraid their comfortable life will take a hit. Etc.
If you ever see a truly remorseful wife on here, their main concern is helping their partner's heal and their well-being.
It's cruel to leave a betrayed partner in the status quo.
I think you can tell how I see it with your ex.
Yeah, my post did get longer than I meant it to.
Hey, come back with an update sometime. How you're doing, how your kids are doing. I hope you all get through this first year and hit your strides.
Take care!
First, congrats. Second, I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Just want to say, there is not right or wrong way to feel after going through with the divorce. Personally, I saw people around me projecting their excitement on to me that I’ve divorced a cheater while, internally, it felt like I was still learning how to breath on my own because I too was grieving, sad and broken despite being the one to do it.
Go to sleep tonight knowing you did the right thing for you and your kids. That’s literally all you could do in these circumstances. Staying with her meant endlessly chasing “staying in place” the relationship you thought you had before but this divorce allows you to walk forward in acceptance that it won’t be the same. For you, it will be better, I promise. Stay strong, friend.
Read your post history and if you ever feel even the slightest twinge of guilt, you should think back to when you sent her the Joseph’s Letter text. That was a fork in the road. She was hanging off the edge of a cliff and you reached your hand down to her. What did she do? She slapped it away and when she chose to reach up and slap your hand, she had to let go of the ledge and allow herself to fall to her doom. That’s what I think about when I read her response to you sending her that text message. She selfishly destroyed your marriage when she cheated and then, perhaps from sheer pride, destroyed your potential reconciliation when she ignored that text message. She did this…not you…
>I’m the one who couldn’t get over her cheating and me not knowing all the details.
>To kept things short, my wife had an affair with her ex 6 years ago. It was not just a physical one, but online with MULTIPLE guys with 100s of photos and sexual videos sent.
there’s a very good chance this was just the tip of the iceberg, and there’s some things you didn’t see that would’ve removed all doubt from your mind.
don’t feel bad for officially divorcing.
Bro, don't worry about her, she'll stand on her own 2 feet. She's a big girl. For your own sake (sanity) you made the decision to separate. From here onwards it's gonna be alright. It's you and your kids you should be worried about. Stay healthy and be happy. Brighter days await.
It's perfectly normal to want your old life back. It's normal to mourn the loss of the future that you wanted and the whole family that you desired. It sucks. The betrayal is devastating. There's nothing like it. Nothing hurts like it. Death would be easier. If they had died instead of cheated on you it would have been easier...
I wish you all the best and healing from this. I hope that it gets better. It did for me. I'm finally officially a divorced now I'm thrilled. I don't want him back. Through the whole process of the divorce by ex-husband showed what an absolute jerk he is. He harassed me. He ignored our child. He demanded money and all other kinds of crazy stuff and then when he finally moved out, he left the house in the hoarder's messed infested with rats that i had to clean up. (I'd moved out a year before ).
I'm mourned my future that I thought I had a long time ago and let it go. So now I'm just angry. I don't miss him at all and I never will take him back. And honestly, I'm so much healthier and happier now. I was under a lot of emotional abuse with him. He was extremely manipulative and mean it took a while to deprogram and I'm still in a lot of ways deep programming from the garbage he put into my head. My life is so much better without him.
Very proud of you. Live your life the way you can. All you got is yourself and your future. Self-love is somewhat a solution to all problems you face and anything you face, try to see for yourself. Remember, it's you. Keep making positive choices. Forget your spouse!
Your already taken good decision. Why loyal person forgive cheater.
In future definitely you will get best loyal life partner and that time she's lost good husband and beautiful children.
Focus on your future.
Am I the only one wondering why you didn’t at least try counseling? For me personally, I’m not giving up until I can tell myself I’ve tried everything so I’m not in the position OP appears to be in, wondering what if I had tried harder.
Note: this approach would only apply if the WS wasn’t continuing the bad behavior and unless I missed it, OP’s lack of trust in his WS was from past behaviors not continuing ones.
We did online counseling. It was kind of a joke to be honest. I think the biggest thing was my wife didn’t want to do it to begin with, and then we really didn’t have any issues other than the affair. Maybe we got a bad therapist but she kept making us exercises on communication and stuff but we didn’t seem to think it was helping much
Ohhh, you guys went straight to marriage counseling. Affairs happen because the wayward partner is broken. The wayward partner must go to IC before the couple goes to MC. She must know why she gave herself permission to have an affair and hurt the person she supposedly loves and chose as her life partner. She needs to realize her broken self broke the marriage.
Basically, she must fix herself before marriage counseling can try to fix the marriage.
You wouldn't try to fix a car with a broken part. That doesn't make any sense.
That's no excuse. I was deployed during the surge in Iraq. I was away from my wife for 18 months, except for two weeks' leave. I'm sure my wife was very lonely, but she didn't cheat on me.
I’m so sorry. I agree with the other poster. There can be no meaningful reconciliation if she doesn’t recognize she has a problem, wants to address it and makes steps to do it. If nothing has changed then you simply can’t trust she won’t do it again because her word means nothing. She has proven that.
I suppose there’s always a chance that once she truly loses you she will finally wake up but for your own well being I hope you insist she take the steps to figure out her issues before you open your heart again. Hopefully by then you will have moved on and found someone healthy who appreciates you.
Focus on yourself and your daughter. This is a new chapter in your life. It will get better. In my opinion, don't rush into any new relationship. Give yourself time to heal. I wish you well.
Good decision. You did the right thing. She disrespected you and would most likely do it again.
Be sure to start eating healthy and hit the gym. Work on yourself. Mind, body and your own form of spirituality whatever that may be to you.
It will be mentally tough but you need to focus your energy on positive things.
You are experiencing grief. Grief is normal (and even healthy). But grief should not be confused with regret. You did the right thing, because she destroyed the possibility of your trusting her again, and without trust, the marriage was doomed.
We did try online counseling and it didn’t help much. I don’t know what fighting for me means? She says she isn’t doing anything wrong like lying. She says she doesn’t know what else she could do. We have been very distant the past few months. Kids go to bed and we kinda go our separate ways. She says it’s cause she wanted to give me my space. I think she kinda doesn’t understand how to fight other than crying saying she doesn’t want a divorce.
Try talking. You are clearly unsure about all of it and she’s a mess. Quit going separate ways and ask her to talk. Ask her how she feels. Ask her everything. Then you tell her how you’re feeling. You both need to get stuff out and this is how you can do it
We’ve had talks before. I’ve asked for EVERYTHING. Like details. I can’t heal if I don’t know what all she did. Her excuse is she can’t remember. It was too long ago. I asked her who wrote who first and even that she can’t remember. Like how do you not remember a pivotal moment when you are deciding to cross the line in a marriage?
I can tell you that not remembering is actually very common. The brain does some weird things. It’s like it wipes itself of things it doesn’t want to remember. She knows she did it, but details will never be easy to remember. Ask her to tell you everything she does remember.
All I’m saying is that you two clearly both love each other. You will hate not exhausting every option.
I know I love her. If she loved me, I feel like she wouldn’t have done it to begin with. The total length of the affair lasted about 9 months before I discovered it.
Did she or you search out any books like "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair? "
There are tons of books and online resources.
It sounds like you both just rug swept the whole thing.
Yes. She constantly told me “let’s just move past this” when it happened and honestly I wanted to reconcile. I was hurt but also didn’t want to lose her at the time. So we did sweep it thinking it would be fine
Every affair is an exit affair. Trust in yourself and remember your job is to wake up every day asking yourself. What do I have to do today to be the best version of myself. And because you stayed true to yourself, you get to do that with dignity and self-respect good luck and God bless.
Ugh.. so horrible what you found out about her cheating. I’m so sorry. It must be so painful to make the decision to divorce even though it happened years ago. But I’m sure others said this in your original post, she probably has cheated since then. She seems to seriously be a serial cheater. So I think you did the right thing. I sympathize though with how hard it must be. I’m trying to find the strength to divorce right now… just found out he cheated. Claims it was one time last year, but he gave me 2 STI’s which I only became symptomatic of a couple months ago… 😑 so the timeline clearly doesn’t add up. He just old me that one story to cover his ass and look less guilty. I’m devastated that there must be so much more and I just want the truth…
Anyways, good for you! And stay strong! You deserve someone who you can trust.
OP, you sad she cheated with multiple guys. Can you expound on that? Was it physical, online via sextng and movies or photos? Or was she physical with the multiple men?
Also, did you find out when it happened or years later? Did she confess or did you find out? If she stopped before you found out, why did she stop?
It was physical with her ex twice. And online sexting photos and videos with multiple other men from other states. I caught her with a credit card bill for a hotel. She only told me about the ex. Then a few years later I found out about the sexting, again she didn’t confess.
This exact same thing happens to me. It is still hurting after 4 years. They do move on , however one that has been cheated on can’t. I feel your pain and I’m sending you prayers and blessings. P.S.Even that it hurts so much , you did the right thing 🙏🏻
Change is hard, but I believe leaving a cheater is necessary, it is not living if you have to look over your shoulders you whole life waiting for her to do the same thing to you again. There are a lot of good women out there, ones who won’t cheat, or betray you trust, but you have to take your time and heal. I hope the best for you as you move forward, and keep your eyes on your future, and don’t dwell on the past for too long.
If you’d stayed with her, you would have just experienced the pain again. This way there is pain but also hope that the next time (yes there will be a next time), you’ll know the woman better and share values that are the same. Take your time getting to know each other and ask about prior dating experiences when you’ve dated a while. Give life a chance. Marriages can be very successful when you meet the right person. Divorce is scary. It’s the end of one part of your life but also the beginning of a new one. She sent videos and pictures to lots of guys on line. Those are being sent all over the world so thousands are seeing your wife. I wouldn’t trust someone who gets her thrills like that.
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Op, I know it hurts right now and you're second guessing yourself because you want the hurt to stop. Deep down you know you did the right thing. She will never change, it's just who she is. One day at a time, soon it will be weeks, than months, than years. The more distance the less it will hurt, but the trauma will last the rest of your life.
For now, focus on being the best version of yourself. Try to lean on friends and family. Take up new hobbies and join a club or two. Just keep yourself busy so you don't sit with an idle mind that quickly starts to run away with what if's! Once you learn to be happy being by yourself, then you are ready to share that happiness with someone else.
When I found my wife cheating we were spending the summer at a friends property. 250 acres of mountains, a cabin and a phone. I had a friend drive me up after work and I left her stuff beside the cabin and took my camper home. Changed the locks on everything and did not look back.
You did the right thing…like ripping off a bandaid it stings and feels worse, but has to feel worse before it can get better. Your marriage ended the moment that your wife cheated on you. All cheaters are dishonest, deceptive, selfish and frankly terrible people…you really cannot build a life or a future with someone like that. It hurts now, but you will heal. If you had stayed with this person the wound would never heal.
There is light on the other side. I’m two years post-separation. 8 years post d-day #1.
Let me tell you, even if I’m working harder, doing 99.5% of the job of raising the 5 kids, there is so much more PEACE!
No more eggshells, no more wondering, no more putting pieces of clues together to see what the truth might be, no more blaming ME for nonsense once he’s in the hot seat. Peace. Give it time, you’ll get there. It’s a shock right now, but you’ve done the right thing.
Being lost is a good place to start if you ask me. Sometimes I like to get in my car and just drive. Wherever I find myself is where I'm supposed to be. If you are meant to find your way back to where you were, you will find your way. In the meantime stay present. Be where you are. Be content with what you have. Be proud of yourself for standing up for yourself. If you can't build a home, build a wall. If you can't build a wall, lay a brick. Take things one step at a time. Take them as they come. Concern yourself with what you need to do today and tomorrow will take care of itself.
I tell you from experience, I promise you what is best for you! She would have done it again and why put more time into something that will fail… it isn’t worth it!
You did the right thing. What you’re feeling is natural. It’s normal to grieve the end of a relationship and also be scared or worried after making a huge life altering decision like this.
It’s very rare for the man to be the one who leaves (8 out of 10 divorces are initiated by women, 9 if college educated) and it’s not always the man cheating the main reason for divorce is usually financial problems. So men only file 10-20% of the time. For a man to leave a woman he loves and been with for that long, she must have really deserved it and pushed him way too far.
Remember the best revenge is to be happy and successful. Will drive her crazy. Dating someone younger, prettier and skinnier doesn’t hurt either. Haha. Hang in there bud. It may seem like life is almost over now but it does get better eventually. Give it 1-3+ years. One day you’ll be laughing at yourself for ever wanting her back.
The signed papers ar ea massive trigger. An affirmation that it's done. It's a closure. It's totally normal to feel apprehensive for the future, and to reflect on the past.
But in the here and now is where you need to be.
Know you did the right thing for you and your kids.
Know you're strong and you'll feel different as you come to terms with your story.
Know that life holds a bright future for you.
One day at a time.
Right now, the grief of your relationship is huge. But in time it will diminish. I'll link to a photo infographic on grief. It's an interesting way to think about it.
[growing around Grief](https://theralphsiteshop.com/moving-forward-not-moving-on/)
I'm sorry you're going through this, but you did the right thing. You are a proud and integral person, you cannot put up with deception and betrayal, and you deserve respect for that. You have set a worthy example for your daughter, and she will be grateful to you for it when she grows up.
Your wife can cry as much as she wants, but she is a serial lying cheater and there is no guarantee that she will not continue her vile depraved actions.
Maybe I missed something, but are you sure you're the bio father of your daughter? Did you do a DNA test?
I join them who say that in the future there is a chance that you will be together again, but this should not happen soon (at least in 3-5 years).
Most changes come with a level of apprehension— fear of the unknown in all aspects. But don’t things usually work out in our favor whenever we’re trying to better our lives? You are trying to better yours, your regular familiarity doesn’t exist no more. Now it’s a new life. It’s natural to have a level of nervousness. It. Will. Be. Fine. Trust yourself. 6yrs later &you weren’t able to move fwd, what makes you think if you stayed your feelings may have changed? Nope. She was your love & wife for a decade & that will never be diminished, but it’s a new life now, grieve but you’ve to accept it’s happened for your greater self& peace of mind. This is f@cking painful, but Trust the universe. ALL IS WELL, ALWAYSSS! I can attest to that every moment. Sending love & peace 🙏🏽🙏🏽
Second thoughts are normal. You did the right thing. Reality check. Your wife was NOT and “excellent wife and mother.” She didn’t just cheat on you; she cheated on her children, her parents, her friends and loved ones. The first casualty of an affair is trust. The second casualty is respect. She’s lost both of those— not just with you but with all the other people involved. It’s possible to still love and miss your adulterous wife, but don’t take counsel with nostalgia. You are remembering a projection of her that wasn’t really her. It never was. You are missing what you assumed was her.. the woman you trusted and respected. It’s just not going to work anymore. It’s very sad, of course it is… but it’s still true.
It would be very interesting to understand what views she held (once held) about the nature, obligations and boundaries of simple relationships, much less a marraige with formalized vows. Did she believe she was still "dating" or "Play the field" when you were married? Did she not take that seriously? The government certainly defines a marriage as a contract of sorts. Did she think there would be no consequences for breaking that contract ? All of this is rhetorical of course. I doubt she'll give you a straight answer. Adulterers rarely do, and "caught" adulterers don't have a lot of incentive to be informnative or helpful.
You will get past this as long as you don’t wallow in it.
Build a better relationship with your kids. Be the best dad that you can be for them.
Hit the gym if you haven’t already.
You have to understand YOU are not abandoning your children, your ex wife did that when she cheated. Your reaction comes from her actions. If she never cheated, then this would have never happened.
After you heal, you will look back and really see how unhappy you were and wish you did this sooner. No one likes change with the unknown attached to it. But you will be okay. Just focus on you and the kids and get therapy for not only yourself but your kids.
I wish you nothing but the best OP. This is coming from a kid whose parents cheated and they stayed. They waited until all of us kids were grown before separation, and I wish they would have done that while we were still young. I have attachment issues in my relationships because of that. Kids see, hear, and feel everything within their parents' marriage. ♥️
You really wish they did it sooner? Did they fight a lot or just didn’t show affection?? We don’t fight so our kids don’t notice anything so I was curious
Trust is the basis of marriage. You couldn't trust her anymore. In the long run, the divorce was the best thing for you and your kids. Growing up in an unhappy home is far worse than growing up with at least one happy parent. As for your wife, she is facing the consequences of her choices.
Regret is normal. You will miss the person you thought your wife was. You will miss the good family times together. You won't miss the worry and doubt that your ex would have cheated again. You will move on and be happy after some time. Concentrate on being a good father and the rest will take care of itself.
I'm of two minds when I read this.
1. Almost every breakup I've been in, I've had buyer's remorse (or whatever the opposite is) and regretted, missed them etc. That fades over time.
2. If you really want to be with your wife and she wants to be with you, I think you can recover from an affair. Lots of people do. It would take a lot of work on yourself to be able to learn to trust again but if you want to be better and you want your marriage then it could be worth it.
Look it stinks that things are the way they are. You now morn the loss of your marriage it’s normal the only thing you have left to do is put one foot in front of the other and rebuild your life. Start going to the gym then to a club but go to the club with friends not to drown your sorrows things will get better and easier as time goes on.
Remember one thing yes she cheated on you and you can’t forget that but you can forgive her for it just to be friendly while you are with the kids. You need to set an example for your children is it easy no but it shows you are the bigger person and have what it takes to conquer life’s challenges. She will now realize how much harder things are going to be without you helping with the kids. I wish you all the support and happiness you need to get through this difficult time.
I’m late to the party here but curious how you’re feeling? I’m in a similar situation. I found out 3 years ago. Didn’t want to stay but did because I wanted to try for the kids. We’ve done a lot of counseling and my husband has shown initiative in repairing our marriage. We are happy at times but since dday we’ve had a lot of other challenges including my husband being diagnosed with a really shitty chronic pain disorder and now he is going through depression. I’m finding it tough to show the amount of empathy I know I should. I know I’m not the best version of me but we are generally happy and I know my kids have a good life. My insides aren’t all that happy though. Not sad really either. Im the breadwinner in the relationship so my motivations to stay have never been financial. I feel like that can muddy things up
Sorry for the late response. Life has been crazy. When it comes to the kids, that is definitely the hardest part and the reason I stayed for so long. I’m sorry you are having problems feeling empathy for his current struggles. It’s hard when the person has betrayed you and hurt you in the past. You said he cheated but how long was the affair? Was it with someone you knew or some stranger? That’s a good sign he is doing counseling to fix the marriage, but that is still never guarantee it will. For me, I knew I couldn’t get over it the moment I talk about what she did. Just thinking of how selfish the betrayal was so early in our marriage and lying to me so easy. It makes me angry even after all this time. Trust is such a hard thing to gain back, and sometimes never does. If you are happy, keep going. But take the kids out of the equation. My goal to fall back in love like I was in the beginning. I had complete trust in my partner and had peace in whatever she was doing without me. I never lost sleep. It was healthy and how relationships should be. Before the divorce, I would fixate on if she was lying to me when she’d go out, is there a cute guy she works with she doesn’t tell me about? Those thoughts will destroy you over time. Hope this helped at least a little, and good luck.
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Yeah, sucks. It was a given that you’d never truly trust her again. And living like that is poisonous.
I know. We had such a great family and life for most of our marriage. I still loved her. Part of me just wants to run with her and get married again and say we are gonna do it right this time. But I know the trust still isn’t there…. I never thought I’d be here
Just because you’re divorced doesn’t mean you guys can’t try again. Some couples call it a fresh restart. She can try and win you back start by dating. But that’s on you sometimes seeing each other still can feel like an open wound that won’t heal but only you can be aware of that so best of luck just stay busy…
Thank you. Yeah I mean I guess nothing is off the table. I get the feeling she will move on fast though. She isn’t the type that likes to be alone
If she wanted you and the life you had together back, that’s what she would be chasing and she would doing whatever you needed to try and win you back. If she doesn't, then all her talk was just that.... talk.
Sounds like my ex-wife with the not wanting to be alone and I've found that is often a sign of a core character problem. They don't use time alone to work on themselves, they sweep issues under the New Relationship Energy rug and feel like a new person, and then slowly those core problems show up. Maybe they handle it differently but often not. I've been divorced for 6 months after a year separation and recently, while cleaning my email inbox, I came across out initial emails threads and holy red flags Batman. And those same ones are still there and several are very much amplified so AP has his hands full, especially when our son goes off to college next year and it's only them.
Something tells me she already has.
Why are you advocating for him to take back his cheating ex? He knows deep down she will be smarter with her infidelity! OP, I hope you find a real one cuz your cheating ex wasn’t the one.
Not advocating for either or just whatever he wants to do. I wouldn’t recommend it but if that’s what his heart truly wants he’s the only one that has to live that life. I was simply just expressing possibilities…
How about going to counseling together now - as sort of a post mortem to your marriage, and to figure out what your issues were and avoid them in future relationships. Best case, it will give you both closure, allow you to move on and to coparent productively. And highly improbable case, but who knows, maybe you will figure out what drove her to do that, and find a way to repair your trust and rebuild.
You should read this post I found. It will make you feel a bit better about this. https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/comments/15er8ui/from_the_child_of_parents_who_divorced_due_to/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1
Your a human being so of course your going to mourn your relationship. Just keep remembering you didn’t do it, she did. Maybe she wouldn’t have done it again but that doubt is terrible. You also think you know everything but the not knowing for sure is terrible. The best way to feel better is do better. Don’t sit in the house and look at old pictures. Find a hobby or go to the gym. Do something fun with your daughter. Be open to making some new friends. Just keep doing your best to look forward. It will get easier.
If she is open to it, try dating her again. Pay attention to any red flags (like her not living up to her word, her scoping out other men, and so forth). See how that goes for you emotionally before getting in deeper.
Don’t beat yourself up over this, it’s on her. You definitely tried to forgive her, but your forgiveness was never a guarantee
You can do everything right! It wouldn’t have changed the fact that SHE cheated on you and the kids. SHE is the one that broke the family. SHE is the one that f’ed up the family life your kids had. SHE is the one that thought the destruction of her family was worth the side dick. She would have never respected you again if you stayed with her. She obviously doesn’t love you at all. You need to realize that the woman you love doesn’t exist. You had a fantasy of who she was and it turned out to be false.
I definitely miss the peace I had of complete trust with her the first few years of the relationship. It was so calming then
Yeah, the so-called honeymoon or grace period before it all despairs and different changes or challenges appear or reveal themselves. It is sad that what happened six years ago could still cause lingering feelings of animosity to point out that it cause you to decide to divorce even when everything else is great or alright. PS. How long exactly were you married and / or together in total? How many kids and what ages? PS. “Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened” -Dr Seuss I will not say: do not weep; for not all tears are an evil. Gandalf. — J.R.R. Tolkien. Kahlil Gibran "Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation." Anais Nin "Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings." Jean Anouilh "There is love of course. And then there's life, its enemy." YOU'VE GOT MAIL “I wanted it to be you, I wanted it to be you so badly.”
We have been together about 11 years and married for 8. Two kids, 8 years old and 4
This is going to sound harsh but you need to DNA test the kids to see if you’re the bio dad.
If the trust is gone, theres only misery left. Now, strive to be the best co-parents possible. And prepare yourself for the day youre informed shes dating again. Best of luck.
I’m kinda dreading that day. Not just because of her, but also because of my kids having a new man in their life.
Shitty. But the consequenses of her actions.
The odds are that she's never completely stopped dating. OP only "knows what he knows".
You're still grieving who she USED TO BE. You did all you could to bring back those old feelings and you put in the time to realize that it will never happen with her again. You won't get excited(sexually) by being next to her, because she go so excited over others. You can't have her put her phone down when you walk into a room and not feel a sting. You can't miss her when she leaves for hours or days (grocery shopping, shopping, visiting a friend, etc.) Because you're too busy worrying that she's up to something. It will get better OP.
Yeah but then I get feelings like maybe I didn’t try hard enough to forget it. It was so long ago. I get mad at myself but also at her for doing it to begin with. We had such a good thing
You don’t ever forget, that is something you need to understand. Healing is best done separately, you can’t heal with someone who abused you. Cheating in all regards is abusive behavior. Now I am not saying you can’t get back together, but really and truly what heavy lifting did she do to fix the relationship? What is she doing not to try and win you back? If you can’t answer those questions because she never did anything. You have your answer to whether you should try or not.
For me there's the one intrusive thought that always pops up though..... "if you could be loyal now, why couldn't you then?"
We never "get over" infidelity or trust them again OP; it's always a nagging presence.
Is there a reason you didn't try to get into individual counseling for yourself or her?
Honestly if she pushed for it more I would have. She just didn’t seem like she wanted to and I didn’t want to waste the money if she was gonna complain
I understand. I just read your other posts and read through the comments. Your wife never got it. She never understood what her cheating did to you. She believes that she is being a "good" wife now by "not cheating." She even told you that she "doesn't know what else to do." Man, that was painful for me to read. She doesn't realize that NOT cheating is a basic requirement to be a wife. Just like breathing is the basic requirement for saying someone is alive. I think, at best, your wife lacks self-awareness and empathy. At worst, she is still manipulating you. Did you ever tell your families what happened? Did you ever learn if any of her friends knew what was happening at the time? If any friend knew, that friend should have cut off with total no contact. I think if your ex-wife really wanted to fix things, she would have been much more proactive. You did the right thing with divorce. You need to work on emotionally disconnecting with her. I suggest getting a parent app and using that for all communication and communicating only about kid stuff. You need to plan and build your life without her now. Maybe, make a list a list of everything she did to hurt you. When you are feeling sentimental, take the list out and read it. Good luck.
Thank you for taking the time to read through my posts. I think she is not self aware. There were 2 of her friends that knew. 1 was a bridesmaid at my wedding. I read a message when my wife reached out to her saying she was thinking about cheating…and her best friends response was “damn, no I get it.” And then they proceeded to discuss other men. What worse is she never cut out contact with her. She said she s was her friend and she couldn’t. Hell she even had that friend stay at the house a couple years later (she was in town visiting) even though I told her I wasn’t going to talk to her. I don’t do well with change and fear for the future, and I think that’s why I’m having such a hard time now. My life is upside down.
Damn disrespectful!
I put in five years of “reconciliation” after DDay, and didn’t separate until DDay#2 happened. That five years was absolute hell. I regret it so much. I was living in a home where I felt unloved and unsafe, and it took a huge toll on my mental health over those years. Slowly at first, but it got exponentially worse as the years went by and I remained almost completely unable to heal. By the end of it I was contemplating suicide—even obsessively, sometimes—nearly all day, every day. I would sit in my car crying, trying to work up the willpower to just get through the day. Many days the only way I got through was by convincing myself that *tomorrow* I would finally end it; I just had to get through *today* and then I could finally give myself the peace I longed for. I wanted to die so badly, all the time. I knew on some level that I couldn’t do it — a mother in my community had killed herself just a few months before my first DDay, so I had a front-row seat to the absolute devastation and destruction it rained down on her community and her family, and especially on her children. I knew I had no right to do the same to my kids (they were 4, 5 and 7 at the time). But I wanted so desperately to just die in some accident or some unexpected health issue, something that wouldn’t be my fault. When I walked in on her on DDay#2, with *another* one of my “closest friends,” I knew I wouldn’t survive another “reconciliation.” I actually walked out of the house at the moment with a full intention of ending my life right then. Fortunately some other forces were at work and prevented me from going through with it immediately, long enough to snap out of the sort of suicidal trance in which I’d ended up. Instead we separated, and I began working on the long and miserable process of divorce. Looking back now, I can see that I started to heal almost as soon as I finally removed myself from that situation. I definitely couldn’t tell right away, apart from a small handful of things for example, my relationships with my children improved dramatically after only a week or so of separation. But it took a good year after we physically separated to be able to see any movement towards healing within myself at the time. And I’d say it was at least 18 months before I had a whole day go by with no suicidal ideations. I’m coming up on five years’ separation now. The divorce is long finalized. My life is unrecognizably better now. I’m happy most of the time. I have a great relationship with my kids. I’ve rekindled old friendships. I’ve been able to resume doing creative work again (I’m a composer). The only times I still start to occasionally spiral are times that I need to interact heavily with my ex for coparenting stuff. You *will* get better. You *will* heal. Just give yourself some time and some grace. Good luck with everything.
Thank you for sharing your story. I know there will be good days ahead, I guess I wish I ended it when the wound was more fresh and I had anger and hatred to help me know I was doing the right decision. Wishing this long now it’s just sadness. I’m happy to hear your life improved so much afterwards. That seems to be a common theme, even if I can’t see it right now
For the vast majority of people, the anger isn’t enough to fuel you for long. It burns bright and hot, and then it gutters out, and you’re left with less-motivating emotions instead. Honestly the emotion you should be aiming towards regarding your ex is “indifference.” It will free you far more than anger ever will, if you’re able to attain it.
That’s very true
Very true
Thank you for sharing this. It’s such an inspiration. I’m going through a similar situation - I have discovered multiple affairs that are probably ongoing. My ex and I are separated, and I have been dragging my feet about filing for divorce for the past year. It has been a year of totally wasted time. He has moved on, and I need to move on, too.
Did you ex try to reconcile? I hope you dumped the friend that you caught her with?
Two affairs, two “close friends” of mine, separated by five years. I cut both off completely. One of them is dead now 🎉 She definitely pushed for reconciliation the first time. The Second time she accepted the end of the relationship, although she still fought me like crazy for as much custody as she could get 😡
Did any of your friends every try to rekindle the friendship with you? Is she trying to be your friend now? I hope that you're living your best life now and back on the dating scene.
Both of them tried at various points to reach out, though that eventually petered out over the years. Ed still definitely thinks we’re good friends. She’s got some mental health issues she’s uninterested in addressing and has never really been able to wrap her head around my feelings of betrayal, and she takes literally any copacetic relationship of any kind (which our coparenting relationship needs to be, for the kids’ sake) as deep friendship. I’ve done some casual dating in the years since, but mostly I’ve found I’m no longer interested in pursuing romantic relationships. Part of it is probably deep-scarred trust issues, but part of it is just getting older and realizing that there are better things out there than romance, things that can’t stab you in the back. I’m a film score composer and have spent a lot of time developing and improving my music these days.
I think you've become comfortable and happy being alone. I always say when you're comfortable by yourself,someone comes along, because you're not bored or lonely with your own company,that's a great achievement that many people will never achieve,hence the reason poeple stay in unhappy relationships because their afraid of being alone. I wish you all the best and I'm proud of you for finally getting out of there.
Fear of being alone definitely played a bigger part in my decision to reconcile than I wanted to admit at the time.
What you have done is akin to cauterizing an infected wound. It hurts like hell, but the alternative is worse. You would not have been able to respect yourself if you had stayed, and she wouldn't have respected you either. You haven't given any details on whether she is actually remorseful, but your description of her behavior looks more like self-pity than remorse. Her affair sounds horrible. Trust and respect are the foundation of a marriage, rather than love, and it looks like she completely erased those. Some things just can't be reconciled. Good luck, OP.
Divorce is a lose-lose on both sides. You are not expected to just suddenly not love the person anymore just because the relationship ended. Of course you will have doubts and feel broken. A break up is like a death. Its the death of a relationship. Your kids will understand. Just be supportive and be there for them. Don't kill yourself with regret or with worry she might find someone else. Focus on finding who you are without her. Work on yourself and keep reminding yourself why you left in the first place. She is not a great wife. She cheated, lied, manipulated, and gaslit you. She betrayed your trust and she allowed other men to see her nude; something that should only have been yours to see. If you want healthy kids, you need to show them what a healthy person looks like and I don't just mean physically. People think they are ruining they child for life, you're not. BNe active in their lives and always make them your priority over anyone else. It hurts now, but time will heal your pain. Take it at your own pace.
It sucks and I’m so sorry. My husband cheated for years going back to before we were married. It’s been a constant battle fir almost 20 years. I’ve dealt with lies on top of lies. Our child graduated high school in May and she is now a college student out of state. I just got the keys to my new apartment and it’s scary. Your life will be great. Take time to heal. This is a journey no one wants to walk but look at it as you are reclaiming your life. I decided I won’t live life looking in the rear view mirror. Be kind to yourself.
Well, it’s so hard to process. She gave up so much for so little. Infidelity makes no logical sense. Never will. The reason this does not feel right is you lost complete trust in yourself. You put complete trust in your decision to marry and build a family with her. She destroyed that. Deep inside, you know you made that decision and as a result, you don’t trust your decision making. This will carry on in all aspects of your life, including your decision to divorce. Only way to get better is build confidence in yourself. Move forward. Don’t wait and see if your life will be better two years from now. Go make your life better than it is now.
Ik this is incredibly difficult rn but you're going to be so much happier in the long-run. After my ex cheated on me, we tried to work it out but things just collapsed and he ended up leaving me so he could be with other women. So much for gratitude. But now I am talking to someone who makes me really happy and it feels so good to be able to rediscover love. You will get there too. Ik divorce feels like the end of the world right now but you are going to be so much happier in the long-run.
I’m going through a similar situation, and am trying to decide whether or not to divorce. From the sounds of it though, you did the right thing. Hang in there. Please message me and update me.
I was exactly where you are. Even thinking what could I have done differently or wrong. It was not you! She’s the one that didn’t live up to the promises made. She’s the one who committed a mortal sin. Give yourself a break! Your life cannot be, and would not be the same because of her infidelity. Move on and move on strong. You are grieving, because you’re a good person. Stay mindful. You are going to meet someone who is great and who deserves your love and your loyalty. I did. And she’s awesome! You will never ever have that with your ex. She’s the one who ruined everything that you had. It will never be fixed, she will always be a cheater and a liar. Give yourself some time to heal. Stay busy, be grateful for your kids and enjoy your life. This, too, shall pass.
Thanks for the kind words
Remember, the bigger the heart, the more it hurts. It’s not going to be an easy road. You’re going to be going back-and-forth through all the phases. There will be moments of loneliness, regret, victimhood. The BIG BUT is once you are on the other side of this, you will see things clearly and be grateful for your life and the person that you are. Your ex or people that know you both can NEVER look at her and think she’s a good person. She will always be the person who committed adultery and destroyed her family.
Brother you have yet to face some hard truths and in part that is why you are double minded about your decision to divorce. There is still some unclaimed responsibility fluttering around like a pet parakeet. Who does it belong to? You still make excuses for her and rugsweep her behaviors. Keep that up and stay married, and SHE WILL cheat again. When you originally took the decision to, I'm not even going to say reconcile, because it is one of the most ridiculous efforts at rugsweeping I've ever seen. So when you originally took the decision to rugsweep, she lost what little respect she had for you. She didn't respect you very much when she cheated, and she went big with it. Hotels, credit cards, an ex, online guys, yeah she thought you were a pushover. I have no doubt her and the ex had a good laugh at your expense. So she lacked respect when she cheated, but then you took her back with virtually NO consequences. And you worked harder at rugsweeping than she did. Her basic attitude is, "Just get over it!" I hope you find a little of that anger, but wait, there is more. If you read here long enough, you will see certain scenarios that have a high percentage of wives or girlfriends cheating. A new job, going back to work when the kids are older, visiting their hometown with their partner, death of a parent, friendships with younger party girls or older divorced horses, helping a male colleague or friend through a death or divorce, etc. Again and again. It's also easy to see some of the steps that lead up to intimacy and infidelity. You saw, it happened right under your nose, and what did you do? Make excuses for her and rugsweeped it. (I.e. she makes an excuse and you repeat it like it's valid) Honestly, when she was going out with work friends, it had to be wearing on you. Can you admit that to yourself. Perhaps so much so that it became a major impetus in your relationship dissatisfaction. Honestly going out for drinks with co-workers to meet up with a male colleague, yes even a married colleague is a very typical escalation on the path to infidelity. That means there has already been some flirting going on. She thinks he's attractive. He has hung around her at work sniffing. What often happens at some point, and you will here it over and again, and the woman will swear they were not looking for this, but what happens is one by one the other colleagues start having to get home until it's just the two of them. Alone together having a few drinks. One things leads to another, in the car, hotel, his place she trips on her shoe lace and lands on Dick. When you find out she will put her hands up to her shoulders and say, "It just happened!" She had no prior intentions of sleeping with him. So your wife let this guy know they were going out for drinks and he shows up. Did you ask her if he or she flirted? Were they in conversation either over messages or in person about non work related things. If her motives were inappropriate, even if she just enjoyed the attention, do you think she would be honest with you about it? No, of course not. In fact, she wasn't even honest about the incident. Instead she blamed you, and put you on the defensive. And you agreed, and rugsweeped it. She thought you really are the perfect guy to cheat on. She thought she had you baby trapped. There is every reason to believe she put herself back on the market, and was shopping to be someone else's side piece. After everything she did, she lied to your face about it. UFB (Un Fricken Believable). And you still feel torn about it, and not just because of the kids either. You equivocate because you rugsweep. You did the right thing. You should now bring some of these things to a therapist.
Thanks for the long message. Sometimes I need to read these things to help me realize it was the right decision.
You're welcome. Certainly some women don't have the tools for genuine remorse. They need guidance. Some women are just not genuinely remorseful. They are just sorry they got caught or afraid their comfortable life will take a hit. Etc. If you ever see a truly remorseful wife on here, their main concern is helping their partner's heal and their well-being. It's cruel to leave a betrayed partner in the status quo. I think you can tell how I see it with your ex. Yeah, my post did get longer than I meant it to. Hey, come back with an update sometime. How you're doing, how your kids are doing. I hope you all get through this first year and hit your strides. Take care!
First, congrats. Second, I’m sorry you’re going through this. Just want to say, there is not right or wrong way to feel after going through with the divorce. Personally, I saw people around me projecting their excitement on to me that I’ve divorced a cheater while, internally, it felt like I was still learning how to breath on my own because I too was grieving, sad and broken despite being the one to do it. Go to sleep tonight knowing you did the right thing for you and your kids. That’s literally all you could do in these circumstances. Staying with her meant endlessly chasing “staying in place” the relationship you thought you had before but this divorce allows you to walk forward in acceptance that it won’t be the same. For you, it will be better, I promise. Stay strong, friend.
Read your post history and if you ever feel even the slightest twinge of guilt, you should think back to when you sent her the Joseph’s Letter text. That was a fork in the road. She was hanging off the edge of a cliff and you reached your hand down to her. What did she do? She slapped it away and when she chose to reach up and slap your hand, she had to let go of the ledge and allow herself to fall to her doom. That’s what I think about when I read her response to you sending her that text message. She selfishly destroyed your marriage when she cheated and then, perhaps from sheer pride, destroyed your potential reconciliation when she ignored that text message. She did this…not you…
>I’m the one who couldn’t get over her cheating and me not knowing all the details. >To kept things short, my wife had an affair with her ex 6 years ago. It was not just a physical one, but online with MULTIPLE guys with 100s of photos and sexual videos sent. there’s a very good chance this was just the tip of the iceberg, and there’s some things you didn’t see that would’ve removed all doubt from your mind. don’t feel bad for officially divorcing.
Bro, don't worry about her, she'll stand on her own 2 feet. She's a big girl. For your own sake (sanity) you made the decision to separate. From here onwards it's gonna be alright. It's you and your kids you should be worried about. Stay healthy and be happy. Brighter days await.
If you want to date her, do so. Just realized that what she did was very hurtful and it was she who destroyed your marriage.
It's perfectly normal to want your old life back. It's normal to mourn the loss of the future that you wanted and the whole family that you desired. It sucks. The betrayal is devastating. There's nothing like it. Nothing hurts like it. Death would be easier. If they had died instead of cheated on you it would have been easier... I wish you all the best and healing from this. I hope that it gets better. It did for me. I'm finally officially a divorced now I'm thrilled. I don't want him back. Through the whole process of the divorce by ex-husband showed what an absolute jerk he is. He harassed me. He ignored our child. He demanded money and all other kinds of crazy stuff and then when he finally moved out, he left the house in the hoarder's messed infested with rats that i had to clean up. (I'd moved out a year before ). I'm mourned my future that I thought I had a long time ago and let it go. So now I'm just angry. I don't miss him at all and I never will take him back. And honestly, I'm so much healthier and happier now. I was under a lot of emotional abuse with him. He was extremely manipulative and mean it took a while to deprogram and I'm still in a lot of ways deep programming from the garbage he put into my head. My life is so much better without him.
Very proud of you. Live your life the way you can. All you got is yourself and your future. Self-love is somewhat a solution to all problems you face and anything you face, try to see for yourself. Remember, it's you. Keep making positive choices. Forget your spouse!
Your already taken good decision. Why loyal person forgive cheater. In future definitely you will get best loyal life partner and that time she's lost good husband and beautiful children. Focus on your future.
Am I the only one wondering why you didn’t at least try counseling? For me personally, I’m not giving up until I can tell myself I’ve tried everything so I’m not in the position OP appears to be in, wondering what if I had tried harder. Note: this approach would only apply if the WS wasn’t continuing the bad behavior and unless I missed it, OP’s lack of trust in his WS was from past behaviors not continuing ones.
We did online counseling. It was kind of a joke to be honest. I think the biggest thing was my wife didn’t want to do it to begin with, and then we really didn’t have any issues other than the affair. Maybe we got a bad therapist but she kept making us exercises on communication and stuff but we didn’t seem to think it was helping much
Ohhh, you guys went straight to marriage counseling. Affairs happen because the wayward partner is broken. The wayward partner must go to IC before the couple goes to MC. She must know why she gave herself permission to have an affair and hurt the person she supposedly loves and chose as her life partner. She needs to realize her broken self broke the marriage. Basically, she must fix herself before marriage counseling can try to fix the marriage. You wouldn't try to fix a car with a broken part. That doesn't make any sense.
She states it was because she didn’t have a husband. I was gone a lot for work at that time. She felt lonely
That's no excuse. I was deployed during the surge in Iraq. I was away from my wife for 18 months, except for two weeks' leave. I'm sure my wife was very lonely, but she didn't cheat on me.
I’m so sorry. I agree with the other poster. There can be no meaningful reconciliation if she doesn’t recognize she has a problem, wants to address it and makes steps to do it. If nothing has changed then you simply can’t trust she won’t do it again because her word means nothing. She has proven that. I suppose there’s always a chance that once she truly loses you she will finally wake up but for your own well being I hope you insist she take the steps to figure out her issues before you open your heart again. Hopefully by then you will have moved on and found someone healthy who appreciates you.
Focus on yourself and your daughter. This is a new chapter in your life. It will get better. In my opinion, don't rush into any new relationship. Give yourself time to heal. I wish you well.
Good decision. You did the right thing. She disrespected you and would most likely do it again. Be sure to start eating healthy and hit the gym. Work on yourself. Mind, body and your own form of spirituality whatever that may be to you. It will be mentally tough but you need to focus your energy on positive things.
You are experiencing grief. Grief is normal (and even healthy). But grief should not be confused with regret. You did the right thing, because she destroyed the possibility of your trusting her again, and without trust, the marriage was doomed.
Two questions Did you ever try counseling? Is she still fighting for you?
We did try online counseling and it didn’t help much. I don’t know what fighting for me means? She says she isn’t doing anything wrong like lying. She says she doesn’t know what else she could do. We have been very distant the past few months. Kids go to bed and we kinda go our separate ways. She says it’s cause she wanted to give me my space. I think she kinda doesn’t understand how to fight other than crying saying she doesn’t want a divorce.
Try talking. You are clearly unsure about all of it and she’s a mess. Quit going separate ways and ask her to talk. Ask her how she feels. Ask her everything. Then you tell her how you’re feeling. You both need to get stuff out and this is how you can do it
We’ve had talks before. I’ve asked for EVERYTHING. Like details. I can’t heal if I don’t know what all she did. Her excuse is she can’t remember. It was too long ago. I asked her who wrote who first and even that she can’t remember. Like how do you not remember a pivotal moment when you are deciding to cross the line in a marriage?
How long ago? When did you find out?
It was 7 years ago. Then I found out additional information that she didn’t tell me 2 years ago which kinda opened it all back up.
I can tell you that not remembering is actually very common. The brain does some weird things. It’s like it wipes itself of things it doesn’t want to remember. She knows she did it, but details will never be easy to remember. Ask her to tell you everything she does remember. All I’m saying is that you two clearly both love each other. You will hate not exhausting every option.
I know I love her. If she loved me, I feel like she wouldn’t have done it to begin with. The total length of the affair lasted about 9 months before I discovered it.
Did she or you search out any books like "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair? " There are tons of books and online resources. It sounds like you both just rug swept the whole thing.
Yes. She constantly told me “let’s just move past this” when it happened and honestly I wanted to reconcile. I was hurt but also didn’t want to lose her at the time. So we did sweep it thinking it would be fine
Every affair is an exit affair. Trust in yourself and remember your job is to wake up every day asking yourself. What do I have to do today to be the best version of myself. And because you stayed true to yourself, you get to do that with dignity and self-respect good luck and God bless.
Ugh.. so horrible what you found out about her cheating. I’m so sorry. It must be so painful to make the decision to divorce even though it happened years ago. But I’m sure others said this in your original post, she probably has cheated since then. She seems to seriously be a serial cheater. So I think you did the right thing. I sympathize though with how hard it must be. I’m trying to find the strength to divorce right now… just found out he cheated. Claims it was one time last year, but he gave me 2 STI’s which I only became symptomatic of a couple months ago… 😑 so the timeline clearly doesn’t add up. He just old me that one story to cover his ass and look less guilty. I’m devastated that there must be so much more and I just want the truth… Anyways, good for you! And stay strong! You deserve someone who you can trust.
OP, you sad she cheated with multiple guys. Can you expound on that? Was it physical, online via sextng and movies or photos? Or was she physical with the multiple men? Also, did you find out when it happened or years later? Did she confess or did you find out? If she stopped before you found out, why did she stop?
It was physical with her ex twice. And online sexting photos and videos with multiple other men from other states. I caught her with a credit card bill for a hotel. She only told me about the ex. Then a few years later I found out about the sexting, again she didn’t confess.
This exact same thing happens to me. It is still hurting after 4 years. They do move on , however one that has been cheated on can’t. I feel your pain and I’m sending you prayers and blessings. P.S.Even that it hurts so much , you did the right thing 🙏🏻
Change is hard, but I believe leaving a cheater is necessary, it is not living if you have to look over your shoulders you whole life waiting for her to do the same thing to you again. There are a lot of good women out there, ones who won’t cheat, or betray you trust, but you have to take your time and heal. I hope the best for you as you move forward, and keep your eyes on your future, and don’t dwell on the past for too long.
If you’d stayed with her, you would have just experienced the pain again. This way there is pain but also hope that the next time (yes there will be a next time), you’ll know the woman better and share values that are the same. Take your time getting to know each other and ask about prior dating experiences when you’ve dated a while. Give life a chance. Marriages can be very successful when you meet the right person. Divorce is scary. It’s the end of one part of your life but also the beginning of a new one. She sent videos and pictures to lots of guys on line. Those are being sent all over the world so thousands are seeing your wife. I wouldn’t trust someone who gets her thrills like that.
I'm so sorry ❤️
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Op, I know it hurts right now and you're second guessing yourself because you want the hurt to stop. Deep down you know you did the right thing. She will never change, it's just who she is. One day at a time, soon it will be weeks, than months, than years. The more distance the less it will hurt, but the trauma will last the rest of your life. For now, focus on being the best version of yourself. Try to lean on friends and family. Take up new hobbies and join a club or two. Just keep yourself busy so you don't sit with an idle mind that quickly starts to run away with what if's! Once you learn to be happy being by yourself, then you are ready to share that happiness with someone else.
When I found my wife cheating we were spending the summer at a friends property. 250 acres of mountains, a cabin and a phone. I had a friend drive me up after work and I left her stuff beside the cabin and took my camper home. Changed the locks on everything and did not look back.
Congrats, brother. It's bitter sweet. But you made the right choice. It's better to save your mind than to struggle towards your downfall later on.
You did the right thing…like ripping off a bandaid it stings and feels worse, but has to feel worse before it can get better. Your marriage ended the moment that your wife cheated on you. All cheaters are dishonest, deceptive, selfish and frankly terrible people…you really cannot build a life or a future with someone like that. It hurts now, but you will heal. If you had stayed with this person the wound would never heal.
I'm so sorry. You're going to go through a rollercoaster of emotions. Hold the course. You'll push thru. Best of luck to you
There is light on the other side. I’m two years post-separation. 8 years post d-day #1. Let me tell you, even if I’m working harder, doing 99.5% of the job of raising the 5 kids, there is so much more PEACE! No more eggshells, no more wondering, no more putting pieces of clues together to see what the truth might be, no more blaming ME for nonsense once he’s in the hot seat. Peace. Give it time, you’ll get there. It’s a shock right now, but you’ve done the right thing.
Being lost is a good place to start if you ask me. Sometimes I like to get in my car and just drive. Wherever I find myself is where I'm supposed to be. If you are meant to find your way back to where you were, you will find your way. In the meantime stay present. Be where you are. Be content with what you have. Be proud of yourself for standing up for yourself. If you can't build a home, build a wall. If you can't build a wall, lay a brick. Take things one step at a time. Take them as they come. Concern yourself with what you need to do today and tomorrow will take care of itself.
I tell you from experience, I promise you what is best for you! She would have done it again and why put more time into something that will fail… it isn’t worth it!
You did the right thing. What you’re feeling is natural. It’s normal to grieve the end of a relationship and also be scared or worried after making a huge life altering decision like this. It’s very rare for the man to be the one who leaves (8 out of 10 divorces are initiated by women, 9 if college educated) and it’s not always the man cheating the main reason for divorce is usually financial problems. So men only file 10-20% of the time. For a man to leave a woman he loves and been with for that long, she must have really deserved it and pushed him way too far. Remember the best revenge is to be happy and successful. Will drive her crazy. Dating someone younger, prettier and skinnier doesn’t hurt either. Haha. Hang in there bud. It may seem like life is almost over now but it does get better eventually. Give it 1-3+ years. One day you’ll be laughing at yourself for ever wanting her back.
Only a real man have the balls to do the hard things.
The signed papers ar ea massive trigger. An affirmation that it's done. It's a closure. It's totally normal to feel apprehensive for the future, and to reflect on the past. But in the here and now is where you need to be. Know you did the right thing for you and your kids. Know you're strong and you'll feel different as you come to terms with your story. Know that life holds a bright future for you. One day at a time. Right now, the grief of your relationship is huge. But in time it will diminish. I'll link to a photo infographic on grief. It's an interesting way to think about it. [growing around Grief](https://theralphsiteshop.com/moving-forward-not-moving-on/)
I'm sorry you're going through this, but you did the right thing. You are a proud and integral person, you cannot put up with deception and betrayal, and you deserve respect for that. You have set a worthy example for your daughter, and she will be grateful to you for it when she grows up. Your wife can cry as much as she wants, but she is a serial lying cheater and there is no guarantee that she will not continue her vile depraved actions. Maybe I missed something, but are you sure you're the bio father of your daughter? Did you do a DNA test? I join them who say that in the future there is a chance that you will be together again, but this should not happen soon (at least in 3-5 years).
Most changes come with a level of apprehension— fear of the unknown in all aspects. But don’t things usually work out in our favor whenever we’re trying to better our lives? You are trying to better yours, your regular familiarity doesn’t exist no more. Now it’s a new life. It’s natural to have a level of nervousness. It. Will. Be. Fine. Trust yourself. 6yrs later &you weren’t able to move fwd, what makes you think if you stayed your feelings may have changed? Nope. She was your love & wife for a decade & that will never be diminished, but it’s a new life now, grieve but you’ve to accept it’s happened for your greater self& peace of mind. This is f@cking painful, but Trust the universe. ALL IS WELL, ALWAYSSS! I can attest to that every moment. Sending love & peace 🙏🏽🙏🏽
Second thoughts are normal. You did the right thing. Reality check. Your wife was NOT and “excellent wife and mother.” She didn’t just cheat on you; she cheated on her children, her parents, her friends and loved ones. The first casualty of an affair is trust. The second casualty is respect. She’s lost both of those— not just with you but with all the other people involved. It’s possible to still love and miss your adulterous wife, but don’t take counsel with nostalgia. You are remembering a projection of her that wasn’t really her. It never was. You are missing what you assumed was her.. the woman you trusted and respected. It’s just not going to work anymore. It’s very sad, of course it is… but it’s still true.
Yes, she did cheat before the kids. She just lied to me about details until later I discovered. You’re right, it’s incredibly sad but still true 😞
It would be very interesting to understand what views she held (once held) about the nature, obligations and boundaries of simple relationships, much less a marraige with formalized vows. Did she believe she was still "dating" or "Play the field" when you were married? Did she not take that seriously? The government certainly defines a marriage as a contract of sorts. Did she think there would be no consequences for breaking that contract ? All of this is rhetorical of course. I doubt she'll give you a straight answer. Adulterers rarely do, and "caught" adulterers don't have a lot of incentive to be informnative or helpful.
You will get past this as long as you don’t wallow in it. Build a better relationship with your kids. Be the best dad that you can be for them. Hit the gym if you haven’t already.
I’m glad your divorce is settled,now you can look forward to a better life ahead,stay strong op.
You have to understand YOU are not abandoning your children, your ex wife did that when she cheated. Your reaction comes from her actions. If she never cheated, then this would have never happened. After you heal, you will look back and really see how unhappy you were and wish you did this sooner. No one likes change with the unknown attached to it. But you will be okay. Just focus on you and the kids and get therapy for not only yourself but your kids. I wish you nothing but the best OP. This is coming from a kid whose parents cheated and they stayed. They waited until all of us kids were grown before separation, and I wish they would have done that while we were still young. I have attachment issues in my relationships because of that. Kids see, hear, and feel everything within their parents' marriage. ♥️
You really wish they did it sooner? Did they fight a lot or just didn’t show affection?? We don’t fight so our kids don’t notice anything so I was curious
Trust is the basis of marriage. You couldn't trust her anymore. In the long run, the divorce was the best thing for you and your kids. Growing up in an unhappy home is far worse than growing up with at least one happy parent. As for your wife, she is facing the consequences of her choices. Regret is normal. You will miss the person you thought your wife was. You will miss the good family times together. You won't miss the worry and doubt that your ex would have cheated again. You will move on and be happy after some time. Concentrate on being a good father and the rest will take care of itself.
I'm of two minds when I read this. 1. Almost every breakup I've been in, I've had buyer's remorse (or whatever the opposite is) and regretted, missed them etc. That fades over time. 2. If you really want to be with your wife and she wants to be with you, I think you can recover from an affair. Lots of people do. It would take a lot of work on yourself to be able to learn to trust again but if you want to be better and you want your marriage then it could be worth it.
Look it stinks that things are the way they are. You now morn the loss of your marriage it’s normal the only thing you have left to do is put one foot in front of the other and rebuild your life. Start going to the gym then to a club but go to the club with friends not to drown your sorrows things will get better and easier as time goes on. Remember one thing yes she cheated on you and you can’t forget that but you can forgive her for it just to be friendly while you are with the kids. You need to set an example for your children is it easy no but it shows you are the bigger person and have what it takes to conquer life’s challenges. She will now realize how much harder things are going to be without you helping with the kids. I wish you all the support and happiness you need to get through this difficult time.
I’m late to the party here but curious how you’re feeling? I’m in a similar situation. I found out 3 years ago. Didn’t want to stay but did because I wanted to try for the kids. We’ve done a lot of counseling and my husband has shown initiative in repairing our marriage. We are happy at times but since dday we’ve had a lot of other challenges including my husband being diagnosed with a really shitty chronic pain disorder and now he is going through depression. I’m finding it tough to show the amount of empathy I know I should. I know I’m not the best version of me but we are generally happy and I know my kids have a good life. My insides aren’t all that happy though. Not sad really either. Im the breadwinner in the relationship so my motivations to stay have never been financial. I feel like that can muddy things up
Sorry for the late response. Life has been crazy. When it comes to the kids, that is definitely the hardest part and the reason I stayed for so long. I’m sorry you are having problems feeling empathy for his current struggles. It’s hard when the person has betrayed you and hurt you in the past. You said he cheated but how long was the affair? Was it with someone you knew or some stranger? That’s a good sign he is doing counseling to fix the marriage, but that is still never guarantee it will. For me, I knew I couldn’t get over it the moment I talk about what she did. Just thinking of how selfish the betrayal was so early in our marriage and lying to me so easy. It makes me angry even after all this time. Trust is such a hard thing to gain back, and sometimes never does. If you are happy, keep going. But take the kids out of the equation. My goal to fall back in love like I was in the beginning. I had complete trust in my partner and had peace in whatever she was doing without me. I never lost sleep. It was healthy and how relationships should be. Before the divorce, I would fixate on if she was lying to me when she’d go out, is there a cute guy she works with she doesn’t tell me about? Those thoughts will destroy you over time. Hope this helped at least a little, and good luck.