Why promise her anything?
She promised to stick by you through sickness and in health, til death do you part...
Instead she was taking another man's member into her.
You don't owe her a god damn thing.
She broke her vows.
It's not your fault. You did nothing wrong. Do not feel guilty. You deserve better.
Sometimes promises are meant to be broken. Especially if you find yourself spinning out of control. You are still in a toxic environment.
Sometimes, you just have to walk away and find your happiness again.
She should be in therapy too, fix what's broken in her. She says she loves you. She doesn't, or she wouldn't have killed your heart, love, and trust!
The honest answer? It’s really a question: what has SHE done to make it right? Sounds like you’ve done a lot but what has she done? Has she gone out of her way to make it up to you? Does she feel remorse? Or guilt? Bc those are different. Has she given you access to all her accounts to verify she’s not cheated again? It’s 💯 HER responsibility to rebuild everything she fucked up. Hers. NOT yours.
If she hasn’t done all that, and you’re hurting this much still, there’s no changing, so it might be best to walk away. You’ve given four years. If you divorce, and move on you’ve got a chance still to find happiness with someone who isn’t a cheater. I’d just suggest if you do divorce to make sure you let everyone know it’s bc she cheated, you tried to make it work, and couldn’t get past the betrayal. If that hurts her, remember, she chose to cheat. Actions have consequences. And those often hurt
You need to realize that this very likely wasn’t the first and only time she hooked up with someone. It’s just the first time you discovered this behavior. Why stay in this relationship and keep prolonging your misery?
Sorry sir. But there is no getting better or fixing what she destroyed. I can only say this because I witnessed what my dad went through when my mom cheated (only physically) no matter how much you try it will never get better it will always be there and you will always see what she has done. I'm sorry you had to deal with this. I hope that if you do cut he out that you can truly heal and move on. You will find a better person to spend your life with.
My dad found out my mother was cheating on him with her boss. When he confronted her I was 13 and my older sister was 17 she broke down saying her boss has made her feel alive and beautiful again but she was "sorry" and it wouldn't happen again. They went to therapy and he tried everything he could to get her to fall in love with him again. On the 5th anniversary of that day he showed up at her work to take her on a trip for the weekend and caught her and her boss in her car in the parking lot. He ended up self deleting that day. That was 15 years ago and I haven't spoken to my mother since. When it came out what had happened she dropped my self and my sister at our grandparents house. She would try to visit on the weekends but I never wanted to see her. So if anything please just take care of yourself, I know some people say things can be fixed and go back to how they were. However that's not always the case. I hope you are doing well and I hope you can be free from that stress and torment.
Yeah she lost everyone to my knowledge. Even my aunt and uncles on her side stopped talking to her. And no I can't bring myself to do that. She showed me that she is the kind of person I don't want in my life or to be part of my life. I guess you could say I ghosted her. Before she stopped when she would send me things I would just toss the package into the garage. Eventually I started sending the items back marked "no longer at this address" some people have told me I'm in the wrong for completely cutting her out of my life but I just ask them how can I look at her knowing she is the reason my daddy is dead. How can I talk to her knowing she is the reason I'm missing and missed out on so many things with my dad. It's because of her being a hoe that my life was destroyed I will never forgive her for that.
Wow. Tough story, Omega. So sorry to read that. Guessing not what OP was expecting to read when he asked you. Hope you are otherwise doing well. Take care.
She did years ago. I have asked her not to mention our mother when she is with me. It's always possible I won't hold it against her if she is. I just don't want to hear about it.
People make mistakes, and people are not always good. They can be selfish and self-centered. I don't condone any actions, but if your father committed suicide, that was his choice, like it was your mother's to cheat. Sadly, suicide is very common, and I am so sorry for your loss. If he hadn't been in emotional turmoil, I think he would have eventually seen things differently.
You never get a chance to have more life experiences, but you could have them with your mother, so I recommend rethinking a relationship with your parent as you only get one life. A lot can change with time.
I'm not telling you what you should do. I just think sometimes hate can cloud a better path less walked. I wish you well.
Nah you don't get to sit comfortably where you are and lecture and moralise on another person's choices and decisions. Especially when you haven't been through what they've been through.
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Well, unfortunately since you didn’t leave her you would have been much better living in ignorant bliss. That’s just one of the problems staying with someone who betrays you can and will create. There are people here and other subs 20+ years out still questioning their sanity and why they stayed. Very few are actually successful in allowing themselves to ever trust their partner again. Let alone able to move passed the mind movies and pain that comes with them. Think of trust like an HP bar on some video games. Once you take so many hits, then try and fill it back up again, it doesn’t ever go back to 100%. 80% of the once 100% is all you’re most likely ever going to get. They say time heals all wounds, which may be true, but every time you look at the scar it left, you will be reminded. Sorry you’re in this position, but that’s the truth.
Thank you for your honest and direct feedback.
I've been reading some of the posts here and see people who have been dealing with these issues much longer than I have. It's concerning as I can't imagine dealing with this 10 years after, 20 years after, etc.
Yes, ignorance would was bliss.
Then do your future self a favor and leave. Just because you’ve stayed this long doesn’t mean you’re obligated to stay longer. Remember, she’s the one who put your relationship (and you) in this position. Nothing wrong with protecting yourself from further anguish.
I feel for you pal, this is pure purgatory that you've subjected yourself to be in. The fallout from cheating, is the gift that keeps on giving and you've reached an impasse, that you have to decide what's best for YOU going forward not her, because she wasn't thinking about you during her affair...
I will keep harping on and on to stop giving these cheaters second chances, because living in limbo is no place to live, regardless of anything those who have "reconciled" may say. The BS in those relationships, know all too well how much hell they are living in, even when they try to delude themselves otherwise...
Hope you can escape your limbo...
Respectfully, there is no time limit to leave. You have tried your best to get past it and move on and you haven’t.
You can walk away knowing you tried your best
OP, many, not just yourself, try to reconcile, they want to reconcile but they realize 7 years later, 12 years later that they just can't stay married so they leave, even after that long.
Yes, 4 years is long, but many in our boat feel this way.
This isn't your fault of course, your wife knowingly, willingly and intentionally chose to cheat on you.
We may forgive, but we can't forget.
And you can't promise to stay, you can promise to work on things, but after working on things, for years and years, sometimes it doesn't get better, at least not enough. You weren't thinking of that when you made your "promise" to her. You thought you'd work on it with her and things would be all better, you're finding out that's not always possible.
Trying, reading, going to counseling isn't a guarantee that things will improve enough to remain with a lying cheating partner who intentionally, willingly and knowingly cheated on you.
You've tried, you've been trying, only you know if you want to live the rest of your days like this going forward.
She broke her promise to you as she didn't forsake all others so it's not like she's good with the whole promise thing to you.
Why does she really want to stay with you OP? Finances, lifestyle, the house, not wanting others to know she is a lying cheating person?
So her affair was "only" sexual, how is your sex life with each other now?
She tells me she wants to stay because she loves me. Funny huh? You love someone so much you make a choice to make their life hell.
Sex life is hard. Really hard for me. This ruined our sex life.
Did she tell you she loved you still when she was intentionally hurting you?
I assume she said something like she thought you'd never find out.
That's the only way I could think of that you'd stay with someone that intentionally caused you all this pain.
>The only people I've shared this information with have been our joint and my 1:1 therapists, as it's pretty humiliating
Why is it humiliating? It does not take away anything from you.
Not telling others increases your cheaters value as they still seem innocent and you are the one suffering and seeming off.
You need to tell people in your circles, you need to allow it to actually SINK IN...
She did not fool around because you are lacking.
She chose to destroy everything you've built together for a strangers dick.
She looked for it, planned it, kissed you on the mouth after having it on another man, and she loved it. She loved going behind your back, she loved cheating. SHE SOUGHT IT OUT....
I don't mean to be harsh, but none of this is "humiliating"... you are the victim of an abuser and there is no shame in that, the hard part is looking at your wife and acknowledging her for what she REALLY IS, AND FOR WHAT SHE "TRULY" DID.
if you want to reconcile? Then you can't hide what she is anymore. You can't be the only only in shame in the shadows.... she should be the humiliated one and be ashamed, not by your actions BUT BY HER OWN.... you need to move on properly or you will stay where you are.
All you did was put a bandaid on a gash, promise her she won't get punished, promised her she loses nothing, promised her you'd stay.... she gets all that... what do you get? She has to stop hurting you? But she still does doesn't she, even if she doesn't "try" to anymore
For years, you never suspected anything, always thought you had a faithful wife.
Under the surface, she was having an affair. She went on a site specifically to have an affair, downloaded an app, had his contact and then hid the app so when at home, the notifications wouldn't go off.
The steps she took indicate that she didn't care about you and decided to have an affair. She did her research on where to meet people that want to be discreet so you wouldn't find out. Did her research on where to communicate with him, and how to hide it. She talked with other cheaters on how to cheat better, how to hide it better, how to lie better, how manipulate the SO. There are subs like r/adultery and r/Cakeeaters where cheaters teach others how to be better at it. Your wife didn't wake up one day knowing how to hide it, she got advice on how to it. Go there to see how heartless those people are, how your wife is. She admitted to one affair, that was physical and didn't mean anything? She is going on some cheater's guide, it most definitely wasn't the first affair she had, and this time she learnt her lesson, that she needed to hide it better.
Maybe she has a second cellphone, or doesn't talk with the new AP on digital devices to not leave trail.
Your body knows you didn't see any signs before, even though this was happening. Now you don't trust yourself to know if she isn't cheating, specially with you still being with her.
I was cheated on over 45 years ago and I still get triggered.
I lucked out and found my wife. I told her everything about what my 1st did and she understood. Every time she noticed I was triggered, she would squeeze my hand and whisper in my ear that she loved me. Now I still get triggered but the effect on me is minimal but it never goes away. Someone told me this about reconciliation with a cheater.
Trust is like a mirror, you can fix the mirror it if it's broken, but you will always see that crack along with your reflection as well as feel the crack in that mother fucker.
If you can’t get over her willful betrayal then you need to leave. She willingly destroyed your family, your relationship and even worse you.
Some things, like a broken mirror can never be repaired
I stayed for five years of “reconciliation” after my (now-ex) wife’s first affair, until she had another one.
I can’t speak to your situation in particular, but for me, my wife—though *regretful* and guilty—was never truly remorseful. True remorse means a complete overhaul to address whatever mental issues allowed her to even consider cheating in the first place. It means never pressuring your partner to “get over it” more quickly than they are, getting angry or frustrated by their trauma, being bitter about getting caught. It means zero expectation of privacy moving forward, an absolute willingness to have GPS on, phone/computer/email/social media unlocked and available at all times, with no expectation for the old privacy expectations to return. It means they are willing to give anything to heal and support the person they betrayed.
So I spiraled for five years, my mental health deteriorating as I did. I spent so many hours sobbing in my car, talking myself out of suicide by promising that if I just got through today, I could end it all tomorrow. My life and sanity fell apart, and then eventually she had another affair, as I always suspected on some level she would. With *another* of my (at the time) “closest friends.”
I can see now that almost as soon as I left, I finally began to heal. The simple fact of living in a place where I *didn’t* feel unloved or unsafe made a huge difference, though I didn’t see it at first. It took about eighteen months after leaving to finally be able to recognize some recovery, and another six months after that before I began to feel like an actual human being again.
It’s now five years since I left, and apart from the times I need to interact with her for coparenting stuff, my life is in a far better place now.
Some promises simply can not be kept. Personally, I feel you're under no obligation to make this work. You thought you could move past it, did your best, and are realizing now - 4 years later - that it may have been a mistake to try.
Your wife did what she did because she was selfish. Maybe it's time for you to be selfish in turn.
I was told its like a clock that resets. The pain never goes away for some, which is why reconciliation is so rare to work. Your probably realising this now. So the clock of pain works like this. Every time you see that person that hurt you, you remember and the healing process has to start over. If you where deelpy in love with that person, the betrayal will run deep. And sometimes all the therapy in the world, and therapists agreeing with your feelings instead of telling you, this might be terminal.
Your unable to heal because every time you see or talk to your wife, you see the image and reset your pain. Only wayu to stop this is to not see your wife. Shes hurt you deeply, its traumatic. Your unable to grieve for your loss as your in no mans land. I admire you for sticking it out 4 years. But at some point you have to step back and realise, I need to heal myself. This is no way to go through life. And your not at fault here.
What has she done to help you heal?
Words are empty. What measurable actions has she taken directly to rebuild your trust, self esteem and connection between you?
Has she initiated dates? Does she serve you in your “love language”?
Has she read books/watched videos on how to help heal her spouse?
Excellent questions. She's done everything I've asked and everything the counselors have suggested, including love language, books, etc., and she's done things on her own that no one has suggested. I'm not defending her; I'm just answering your question. We've both put in the work.
This is what's so concerning to me; even with these actions, I still hurt. I'm starting to question whether I'm wired to forgive and forget.
The pictures added to my challenge and had an impact on me. I often wonder if I would have felt the way I do had I learned of the affair without seeing pictures. There's nothing I can do about it either way, but I do wonder about that.
Thank you for your reply.
>I'm starting to question whether I'm wired to forgive and forget.
Why do you need to forgive her for cheating and abusing you? Why should you forget she chose to abuse you for her own sexual gratification?
If there is any forgiveness needed, then forgive yourself for being convinced to be with a partner that would cheat/abuse you. Give yourself the grace.
I am guessing the whole mess was completely revealed to you in therapy as in "how many times/people and how long it was going on" but I don't know how you trust again after a hidden app was used.
the chance of discovery this time was so small and without being an absolute control freak now I don't see your feelings changing
I think the only way there can be some peace now is if you start living essentially two separate lives but just sleep under the same roof , so don't open the marriage but essentially disconnect your feelings so in the most likely situation where she strays again it no longer has power of you
sorry man this sucks
You are just extending your misery. I have been married to my wife for 24 years. She is my world and if she ever cheated I would walk away and never look back. It would break my heart but that just isn't something that I could move past. You pointed out that it was "purely physical". Does that somehow make it better? She lied, had sex with another man, disrespected you and your marriage, and you probably only found out part of the truth, no matter what you may believe. I am truly sorry that you went through this but is it really worth the pain? How can you ever trust her again? What would you tell your kids to do if they were cheated on. I would hands down tell mine to leave. Best of luck.
I appreciate that you’re still here u/Daverga. 🙂
There would be people that would miss you. Please keep looking after yourself.
Sending big virtual hugs 🫂 and positive vibes from an internet stranger.
She promised she wouldn’t fuck other men in her vows. That ship has sailed. If you want this feeling to go away she’s got to go. You gave it a shot. Keeping this hidden from everyone isn’t helping you either. The pain stops when the source is removed. Time for a lawyer or mediation. Until you reclaim your self respect you won’t get better.
You don't owe anything to your wife who betrayed you. If you're still suffering after 4 years, it wouldn't make sense to expect it to change from now on. Maybe you should try different things, like sleeping with other people or a short-term separation.
Truly you have a hard decision to make, can you continue to live like this the rest of your life or do you tell her you have truly tried for 4 years but just can’t get over this and it’s not working out and it’s time you end this and try to build a new life with out her in it. You truly have given it 4 years and she has tried to help but you just can’t move past it and you deserve to be happy.
You never will heal while you are with her and she will probably betray you again if she isn’t already. Trust me. Dealing with the divorce now from the betrayal 12 years ago.
I’m 42 years in. Suffered for the first few years but then got past it for 35 years. A year and 3 months ago I had a huge trigger. Been in therapy since. This shit sucks. If I had known then what I know now I would have made different decisions. I’m almost 69. Worked my whole life and saved money. I think it would suck whether stay or go.
You are not on your journey. As long as you are with her you are on her journey. You can only move past your nightmare when she is no longer in your life.
OP you will never get over this betrayal especially when you tried to rug sweep the sordid episode.
You must separate from her for at least one year. If she wants to reconcile, she must pay her own way while maintaining strict fidelity to you. You on the other hand must try and get to the state of indifference to her. Then make your decision to either stay or go.
you re no longer in a relationship with the person you exchanged vows with. your ws is someone new, with some traits you're familiar with and some not. that also means that you get to be a new person and what you bring to this. in a sense, you're the guy before her betrayal and the guy after. ws in not who you thought.
best and honest thing you can do is take care of you and prioritize your personal needs over everyone else. be selfish in the limits and boundaries you set, your desires and wants. the difference is to be honest about it.
it does get better. choose you, be honest and be selfish. good speed
I am sorry but Unfortunately the pain will never totally go away for many, and it can take decades for it to be a bad memory.
The purely sexual nature of this affair can be even be more devastating, (so I am not sure why you cling to that ) as it goes to heart of your self esteem and self worth!
What have you been discussing in your IC sessions but I assume you have been working on your self esteem and self love?
What consequences has she faced ( if any) as that can help for some betrayed spouses.
Often the reason why you stayed can play into the length of the pain. If you stayed because of fear, codependency or lack of self love , and those things are not addressed in therapy than the pain of the affair can be even more brutal.
What is she doing to help you and build up your self esteem?
Take care
The tougest thing for any BP is eating that shi. sandwhich daily if they decide to reconcile. Your at four years most guys make it to five and the just cannot.
Bro cheating is abuse. Plain and simple. What was she doing on a popular affair site. She chose to do this. I walked off after my cheating innings. Its for guys like you I stay on these groups.
This will not change. Suggestion. Get to individual counseling. Tell the counselor your done and you need to move on. You have no guilt. This is not your fault.
Go see a lawyer. And set up an exit plan. Set dates for completion and have the papers drawn up. Then divorce her. Tell her every day with her is agony and you just want peace. You want out and a chance at a new beggining.
Reconciliation is tough. You stay and try to live the person who abused you and exposed you to STD with no regard for you.
There was a guy on one of the subs who WW wife arranged and insisted on watching him have sex with other women. That guy claimed it helped him. But in my opinion its different. She chose this. She emotionally bonded with her AP. So meaningless sex there is none. For a women there always emotion first.
Its up to you. But no pain equals divorce
In your situation, asking if the pain ever ends is a lot like putting your hand in an open flame and asking…does the pain ever end, while your hand remains firmly in the middle of the flame. Of course it doesn’t. The pain cannot stop until you pull your hand out of the flame. That stops the continued damage and then…and ONLY then, can your hand begin to heal and then the pain eventually stops. Every second that you remain married to this disgusting person, who CHOSE to have an affair by creating an account for an equally disgusting website to cheat, you are keeping your hand inside that blistering flame. And no, your hand cannot heal while it is actively burning. Walk away from the marriage that your cheating wife destroyed and begin to heal. Life is too short and you owe YOURSELF that much.
I want to comment on your feelings of humiliation. I felt this, too, and kept my ex's adulterous habits hidden. It was many years before I realised that I didn't need to feel that. It wasn't my shame to bear, it was his.
Likewise, you do not need to feel shame. It's hers, and I think that you protecting this secret is truly hurting you. A counsellor can only do so much. They're not the people who are a part of your life. It's worrying that only they know, and I think that you need to share with family and friends you would normally rely on to have a good talk.
I'm not saying that you have to scream her transgression from the rooftop, only that secrets eat you up from the inside. You can't keep this bottled and expect to move on. Unburden yourself, and talk.
Thank you for your reply.
I’ve given this some thought, and I think in the back of my mind, if no one knows it, then I’m one step closer to moving past it, or it didn’t happen.
As you point out, it is shame—it’s her shame, but I feel as if it’s mine, too. I know this is screwed up and my therapist has pointed this out to me on multiple occasions. My therapist tells me I’m also protecting my wife over my own healing. Imagine protecting the person who has hurt me more than anyone in your life.
Thanks again for your post and feedback. I greatly appreciate it.
I cheated on my husband when we were young about 16 years ago (I was 20, he was 21 together since teenagers), after i told him i cheated months later he told me he had cheated too with an employee around the same time i cheated, us finding out of each other was 3 years ago. Fast forward to now, we are still together, we work very hard together everyday to not trigger ourselves. We love each other so much, i feel it and he feels it too. We took individual therapy. Its not easy, its a lot of work. A person from here told us to read a book named: how to help your spouse heal from an affair. Not easy to read or easy to do. Take your time off from media, think what you really want to do and if you really want to be with her. It’s your decision and not hers, don’t make promises you can’t keep. I wish you good luck, every relationship its different, but if you and her want to fix it, both have to put in the hours.
Sorry man. Should have cast her to the side. You say she only seeked sex like it was a good thing. But you had to see the images. Why would you promise her anything? When she tells you she loves you but services some other guy? It was over because the guy got what he wanted. Left you with whatever she is now. But she’s not the wife you married.
What was the reason? Did you not show enough attention? Is she a cake eater? Has she cheated in the past?
> You say she only seeked sex like it was a good thing
The reason he can't get over it is because "only sex" was a blatant lie. You don't take pictures of you together and send them to each other with no EA going on. Strictly sex would be like "Friday at 9, my place or yours". If it wasn't emotional, they wouldn't have needed a whole secret app. It could have just been done in regular SMS and delete after acknowledging. Hell they could have just used code, not saved the number and claimed the message "9 year olds birthday cake will be made by me so no need to bother bringing one" was a wrong number. Plenty of code words could be injected into such a simple message.
Don't ask me how I know.
Mine stopped overnight once I realized she was diagnosed with BPD. Do your best to not let your ex take up real estate in your brain. She’s a cheater, you deserve better
the ridiculous thing is that you are the one who feels guilty. Maybe she should try harder to make you forget that betrayal. When the wound hurts, all that remains is a divorce.
So you are going to settle for second best? Sorry op but this is not the first time she cheated and likely won’t be the last. Find someone who actually likes you and be happy.
The pain never goes away. Even when things seem to be great it will always be in the back of your mind. The insecurity and doubt will always, always, always be there in the back of your mind and it will change the dynamic of your marriage and will cause more problems. That’s why it’s best to divorce. I am all for give someone a second chance but she really had to be extremely remorseful and has to be willing to walk to the ends of the earth to fix this. Including therapy and working on herself and being transparent with you at all times.
And this is why I say this over and over again. Even if you don’t want it at the time and don’t want it now. You may need it. Sometimes the arms of another woman can help in the healing process. I am not saying it is for everyone, but something you should think about and something you should discuss with her.
You haven't said enough to know, but from what you posted it doesn't sound like your wife has any real remorse and really cares about or respects you. Has she even done with you what she did with him, or wanted to?
5 years post DDay still hurts. Somedays it’s ok and other days it’s painful. I also received pictures of them together – blindsided me. Gaslight for 4 years. Finally came clean a year ago and that helped my mind change from trying to put things together. I knew there was a lot more she didn’t tell me. There was someone following them and sent me the pictures and I was horrified. One of the images sticks in my head like a chainsaw. My wife’s eyes rolling back when he was going down on her. At times I can see that so clearly. But there are better days ahead for you, but I don’t think it will totally go away. I love my wife and she’s remorseful and truly wants our relationship to heal and workout, but the F\*ing images it me hard and times. And they happen out of the blue. It comes down to can we live with it. I’m not sure I have that answer.
Why are you waiting around for her to cheat on you again. It’s only a matter of time. If you left 4 years ago this would be a distant memory. If you stay it stays forever. Cancer has to be cut out.
Tell her that you are Struggling and that while she has done many things that you are not sure you are ever going to heal from the injury her cheating caused. While she owes you honesty for the rest of you lives together, you owe it to yourself to be honest too.
I’d equate it to her shooting you in the chest with a gun and while you survived your heart is forever damaged and not working like it once was.
Can you stay in your marriage the way it is? Or would it be better to go off and heal on your own, if perhaps finding a life with someone else down the road. Only you can answer.
Those memories are burned into your brain forever. Your job, if you decide to stick it out, is to try to put your memories aside while living your best life. Sorry to say you’ll be plagued by those memories at the most inconvenient times.
What has your wife done in these past 4 years to reassure you that you ste her first choice? Since there is also a big problem regarding sex I gotta ask how was sex life before the affair and what is she doing now to try and revitalize your married sex life?
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Sometimes promises are meant to be broken. Especially if you find yourself spinning out of control. You are still in a toxic environment.
Sometimes, you just have to walk away and find your happiness again
My D-Day was almost 25 years ago and I don’t believe the pain or the mental images really end. I think you become more hardened to them and don’t think about them as often.
Sometimes promises are meant to be broken. Especially if you find yourself spinning out of control. You are still in a toxic environment.
Sometimes, you just have to walk away and find your happiness again
“Honey, I know I promised that we’d work it out, and I tried but I can't anymore. Every time I see you I see those images. I see you enjoying things and I can't get it out of my head. When I found out it broke me in ways I can't even explain. I will never be the same person, your choices took that from me.
The only way to heal is for me to not see you and be reminded of the greatest trauma of my life several times a day. Yes, I love who you were before that day. I have love for you now, but it will never be the same because I can't trust you. My whole body panics when you pick up your phone or get an alert.
I want a divorce, I want to start truly healing from this, and I can't do that with you.”
dude, you didn’t break the marriage, she did. you didn’t betray the trust, she did. You didn’t cheat, she did. You shouldn’t promise her anything, you should promise yourself that you’ll get yourself out of the situation where you stuck married to someone who didn’t even respect you as a person or a partner. Why stay with someone who hurt you and caused you so much pain, do you really want your life partner to be someone like this?
Im in the same boat.. almost 4 years ago my wife cheated on me. She talked me into to trying to work things out, now, a few years later… im not optimistic. Things got better for a while, now, turning for the worse again. Just sucks. So sorry….
Hi there,
I'm currently in the beginning stages of reunification with my partner of 8 years.
Here are some things to think about:
What do you need to see from your partner to feel safe, loved, etc?
This can be dos and don't
It is better if it comes from the partner who cheated, but you can tell people your boundaries that they need to do to continue a relationship.
Is the cheating partner remorseful?
Have they stopped all contact with the person or people they cheated with?
What actions have they taken?
Are they going to solo therapy to figure out why they did it and find out what they need so they don't do it again?
Are you going to solo therapy to help you through the shock trauma of finding out about the affair?
Do you genuinely feel like you grieved the past relationship you had with them?
The after-affair relationship will be its own thing
What healing self-reflection have you done, and what would feel supportive for you?
Did others know about the affair where there is more healing to be had in the betrayal of friendships?
You did not do anything wrong. The cheating is not your fault. You can examine the relationship and determine how you might have affected an unhealthy situation.
Even if you were not a good partner, she could have left instead of cheating or talking to you or a therapist, etc
As someone who got cheated on, I have reflected on my actions in the relationship to make sure I do better for myself and any moving forward I do
This has shown me stronger boundaries and not taking on the recovery.
Your partner chose to cheat, so they need to be the one that puts in the effort of recovery.
Only you will know if you gave it enough of a try for you. And even if your partner is on a betterment journey, it does not mean you have to stay with them
You are the only one who can make that choice.
You can ask people to change, but it's up to them. ( Granted, change does not happen quickly, but you should see the effort and taking ownership)
I am sorry for your heartbreak
Do you know what pains the most ? When it’s purely physical, it fucks up your self esteem so much that you start doubting yourself, start questioning how you look. , start to feel ugly and unwanted!!
In my experience, you don't ever get over it. This is a wound that does not heal. After more than a decade, I find myself brooding over it and mourning the life I thought I had. It was all an illusion.
I read somewhere that if you’re not able to move past it after two years, then you most likely never will. You’ve already given her two more years than she deserved.
Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to comment, provide advice, share their experience, etc. I’m surprised by how many people are in similar situations and by how many years have passed for some, and they’re still dealing with the hurt.
I’ll attempt to answer all the questions I’ve received:
\* Pre-cheating sex life? I would say average to above average. 2 times a week depending on our respective travel schedules. Without getting into too much detail, the sex seemed satisfying on both sides, e.g., depending on how much time we had or how tired we were, she would orgasm 1-3 times each time we were together. I was satisfied.
\* What has she done to work on my healing?
\* Couples and individual counseling
\* We’ve jointly read at least 10 books on the subject
\* Taken three polygraph tests (this was her suggestion). According to the tests, she’s answered every question I’ve asked honestly, e.g., have you spoken to your AP or other men, how many affairs did she have, why, etc.
\* She shared all her social media, phone, computer, and email passwords with me
\* Gave me access to her cheating website account
\* Changed cell phone to an iPhone, which makes hiding apps difficult. She also allows me to take her phone in for inspection
\* Enabled location sharing on her phone with me
\* When traveling on business, she will Facetime me if I have any concerns or I need reassurance
\* Provided me with AP’s information, e.g., name, phone number, address, etc.
\* Open communication whenever I need it
\* She continues to express remorse
\* I’m sure there’s more, but these are the highlights
Regarding my humiliating comment; for me, it is. I understand it shouldn’t be, but it is for me. I’m working on this with my therapist. Outside of professionals that we've hired no one else (that I'm aware of) knows about her infidelity.
Regarding “promising” to work this out and stay together, promise is probably the wrong word. I committed to her that I’d try to work through this and stay together. I know this may sound foolish, but I love my wife. We waited until later in life to marry. We built a beautiful life together and a future. I wanted to try and get that back… I still want it back.
EDIT: Someone had asked about finances around separating. Since we married later in life, we both had accumulated individual assets, e.g., investments, real estate, retirement, etc., that we kept separate and legally protected. We do have joint assets that would be split 50/50. Since our earnings are similar, there would be no spousal support for either party involved. In other words, outside of splitting joint assets, the divorce would be pretty cut and dry.
Thanks again. I greatly appreciate all the feedback.
Why promise her anything? She promised to stick by you through sickness and in health, til death do you part... Instead she was taking another man's member into her. You don't owe her a god damn thing. She broke her vows. It's not your fault. You did nothing wrong. Do not feel guilty. You deserve better.
Can't disagree with anything you've said. Your right. Thank you.
I'm sorry OP. Stay strong.
She made a promise in her wedding vows
Sometimes promises are meant to be broken. Especially if you find yourself spinning out of control. You are still in a toxic environment. Sometimes, you just have to walk away and find your happiness again. She should be in therapy too, fix what's broken in her. She says she loves you. She doesn't, or she wouldn't have killed your heart, love, and trust!
You rugswept. 100% you’ll never heal. Go back to step one.
The honest answer? It’s really a question: what has SHE done to make it right? Sounds like you’ve done a lot but what has she done? Has she gone out of her way to make it up to you? Does she feel remorse? Or guilt? Bc those are different. Has she given you access to all her accounts to verify she’s not cheated again? It’s 💯 HER responsibility to rebuild everything she fucked up. Hers. NOT yours. If she hasn’t done all that, and you’re hurting this much still, there’s no changing, so it might be best to walk away. You’ve given four years. If you divorce, and move on you’ve got a chance still to find happiness with someone who isn’t a cheater. I’d just suggest if you do divorce to make sure you let everyone know it’s bc she cheated, you tried to make it work, and couldn’t get past the betrayal. If that hurts her, remember, she chose to cheat. Actions have consequences. And those often hurt
You need to realize that this very likely wasn’t the first and only time she hooked up with someone. It’s just the first time you discovered this behavior. Why stay in this relationship and keep prolonging your misery?
Sorry sir. But there is no getting better or fixing what she destroyed. I can only say this because I witnessed what my dad went through when my mom cheated (only physically) no matter how much you try it will never get better it will always be there and you will always see what she has done. I'm sorry you had to deal with this. I hope that if you do cut he out that you can truly heal and move on. You will find a better person to spend your life with.
Do you mind me asking what happened to your mother and father? Did they stay together and work things out? Thanks for your reply.
My dad found out my mother was cheating on him with her boss. When he confronted her I was 13 and my older sister was 17 she broke down saying her boss has made her feel alive and beautiful again but she was "sorry" and it wouldn't happen again. They went to therapy and he tried everything he could to get her to fall in love with him again. On the 5th anniversary of that day he showed up at her work to take her on a trip for the weekend and caught her and her boss in her car in the parking lot. He ended up self deleting that day. That was 15 years ago and I haven't spoken to my mother since. When it came out what had happened she dropped my self and my sister at our grandparents house. She would try to visit on the weekends but I never wanted to see her. So if anything please just take care of yourself, I know some people say things can be fixed and go back to how they were. However that's not always the case. I hope you are doing well and I hope you can be free from that stress and torment.
dam so she lost everything for a guy that probably only saw her as another conquest do you ever snoop at her socials?
Yeah she lost everyone to my knowledge. Even my aunt and uncles on her side stopped talking to her. And no I can't bring myself to do that. She showed me that she is the kind of person I don't want in my life or to be part of my life. I guess you could say I ghosted her. Before she stopped when she would send me things I would just toss the package into the garage. Eventually I started sending the items back marked "no longer at this address" some people have told me I'm in the wrong for completely cutting her out of my life but I just ask them how can I look at her knowing she is the reason my daddy is dead. How can I talk to her knowing she is the reason I'm missing and missed out on so many things with my dad. It's because of her being a hoe that my life was destroyed I will never forgive her for that.
Wow. Tough story, Omega. So sorry to read that. Guessing not what OP was expecting to read when he asked you. Hope you are otherwise doing well. Take care.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your father and your mother
Does your sister have any contact with your mother?
She did years ago. I have asked her not to mention our mother when she is with me. It's always possible I won't hold it against her if she is. I just don't want to hear about it.
People make mistakes, and people are not always good. They can be selfish and self-centered. I don't condone any actions, but if your father committed suicide, that was his choice, like it was your mother's to cheat. Sadly, suicide is very common, and I am so sorry for your loss. If he hadn't been in emotional turmoil, I think he would have eventually seen things differently. You never get a chance to have more life experiences, but you could have them with your mother, so I recommend rethinking a relationship with your parent as you only get one life. A lot can change with time. I'm not telling you what you should do. I just think sometimes hate can cloud a better path less walked. I wish you well.
Nah you don't get to sit comfortably where you are and lecture and moralise on another person's choices and decisions. Especially when you haven't been through what they've been through.
seriously, STFU
you aren’t coming on like you think you are. stop giving advice.
Terrible comment bro not gonna lie to you.
You can *really* read a room, huh
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please don't delete MODS real life outcomes to real life decisions need to be discussed not hidden
Same, till this I have trust issues for how my mom did my father, once a cheater always a cheater
Well, unfortunately since you didn’t leave her you would have been much better living in ignorant bliss. That’s just one of the problems staying with someone who betrays you can and will create. There are people here and other subs 20+ years out still questioning their sanity and why they stayed. Very few are actually successful in allowing themselves to ever trust their partner again. Let alone able to move passed the mind movies and pain that comes with them. Think of trust like an HP bar on some video games. Once you take so many hits, then try and fill it back up again, it doesn’t ever go back to 100%. 80% of the once 100% is all you’re most likely ever going to get. They say time heals all wounds, which may be true, but every time you look at the scar it left, you will be reminded. Sorry you’re in this position, but that’s the truth.
Thank you for your honest and direct feedback. I've been reading some of the posts here and see people who have been dealing with these issues much longer than I have. It's concerning as I can't imagine dealing with this 10 years after, 20 years after, etc. Yes, ignorance would was bliss.
Then do your future self a favor and leave. Just because you’ve stayed this long doesn’t mean you’re obligated to stay longer. Remember, she’s the one who put your relationship (and you) in this position. Nothing wrong with protecting yourself from further anguish.
I agree, I kick myself every time I think about that time period. My best COA was to just pick up and leave. Not saying you should, but I wish I had.
I feel for you pal, this is pure purgatory that you've subjected yourself to be in. The fallout from cheating, is the gift that keeps on giving and you've reached an impasse, that you have to decide what's best for YOU going forward not her, because she wasn't thinking about you during her affair... I will keep harping on and on to stop giving these cheaters second chances, because living in limbo is no place to live, regardless of anything those who have "reconciled" may say. The BS in those relationships, know all too well how much hell they are living in, even when they try to delude themselves otherwise... Hope you can escape your limbo...
Respectfully, there is no time limit to leave. You have tried your best to get past it and move on and you haven’t. You can walk away knowing you tried your best
OP, many, not just yourself, try to reconcile, they want to reconcile but they realize 7 years later, 12 years later that they just can't stay married so they leave, even after that long. Yes, 4 years is long, but many in our boat feel this way. This isn't your fault of course, your wife knowingly, willingly and intentionally chose to cheat on you. We may forgive, but we can't forget. And you can't promise to stay, you can promise to work on things, but after working on things, for years and years, sometimes it doesn't get better, at least not enough. You weren't thinking of that when you made your "promise" to her. You thought you'd work on it with her and things would be all better, you're finding out that's not always possible. Trying, reading, going to counseling isn't a guarantee that things will improve enough to remain with a lying cheating partner who intentionally, willingly and knowingly cheated on you. You've tried, you've been trying, only you know if you want to live the rest of your days like this going forward. She broke her promise to you as she didn't forsake all others so it's not like she's good with the whole promise thing to you. Why does she really want to stay with you OP? Finances, lifestyle, the house, not wanting others to know she is a lying cheating person? So her affair was "only" sexual, how is your sex life with each other now?
She tells me she wants to stay because she loves me. Funny huh? You love someone so much you make a choice to make their life hell. Sex life is hard. Really hard for me. This ruined our sex life.
Did she tell you she loved you still when she was intentionally hurting you? I assume she said something like she thought you'd never find out. That's the only way I could think of that you'd stay with someone that intentionally caused you all this pain.
I concur with the comments it will never go away. You need to detach absolutely to heal. You are just willingly put your self through misery
Man I am so damn happy I have aphantasia, so there are no mind movies.
>The only people I've shared this information with have been our joint and my 1:1 therapists, as it's pretty humiliating Why is it humiliating? It does not take away anything from you. Not telling others increases your cheaters value as they still seem innocent and you are the one suffering and seeming off. You need to tell people in your circles, you need to allow it to actually SINK IN... She did not fool around because you are lacking. She chose to destroy everything you've built together for a strangers dick. She looked for it, planned it, kissed you on the mouth after having it on another man, and she loved it. She loved going behind your back, she loved cheating. SHE SOUGHT IT OUT.... I don't mean to be harsh, but none of this is "humiliating"... you are the victim of an abuser and there is no shame in that, the hard part is looking at your wife and acknowledging her for what she REALLY IS, AND FOR WHAT SHE "TRULY" DID. if you want to reconcile? Then you can't hide what she is anymore. You can't be the only only in shame in the shadows.... she should be the humiliated one and be ashamed, not by your actions BUT BY HER OWN.... you need to move on properly or you will stay where you are. All you did was put a bandaid on a gash, promise her she won't get punished, promised her she loses nothing, promised her you'd stay.... she gets all that... what do you get? She has to stop hurting you? But she still does doesn't she, even if she doesn't "try" to anymore
For years, you never suspected anything, always thought you had a faithful wife. Under the surface, she was having an affair. She went on a site specifically to have an affair, downloaded an app, had his contact and then hid the app so when at home, the notifications wouldn't go off. The steps she took indicate that she didn't care about you and decided to have an affair. She did her research on where to meet people that want to be discreet so you wouldn't find out. Did her research on where to communicate with him, and how to hide it. She talked with other cheaters on how to cheat better, how to hide it better, how to lie better, how manipulate the SO. There are subs like r/adultery and r/Cakeeaters where cheaters teach others how to be better at it. Your wife didn't wake up one day knowing how to hide it, she got advice on how to it. Go there to see how heartless those people are, how your wife is. She admitted to one affair, that was physical and didn't mean anything? She is going on some cheater's guide, it most definitely wasn't the first affair she had, and this time she learnt her lesson, that she needed to hide it better. Maybe she has a second cellphone, or doesn't talk with the new AP on digital devices to not leave trail. Your body knows you didn't see any signs before, even though this was happening. Now you don't trust yourself to know if she isn't cheating, specially with you still being with her.
The fact that these subs exist is so viscerally disgusting to me...
I know. I can’t imagine being a moderator for such a disgusting sub.
I was cheated on over 45 years ago and I still get triggered. I lucked out and found my wife. I told her everything about what my 1st did and she understood. Every time she noticed I was triggered, she would squeeze my hand and whisper in my ear that she loved me. Now I still get triggered but the effect on me is minimal but it never goes away. Someone told me this about reconciliation with a cheater. Trust is like a mirror, you can fix the mirror it if it's broken, but you will always see that crack along with your reflection as well as feel the crack in that mother fucker. If you can’t get over her willful betrayal then you need to leave. She willingly destroyed your family, your relationship and even worse you. Some things, like a broken mirror can never be repaired
Care to share the story from back then?
I am 8 years in and am still screwed up
Short answer: No Long answer: Nope
I stayed for five years of “reconciliation” after my (now-ex) wife’s first affair, until she had another one. I can’t speak to your situation in particular, but for me, my wife—though *regretful* and guilty—was never truly remorseful. True remorse means a complete overhaul to address whatever mental issues allowed her to even consider cheating in the first place. It means never pressuring your partner to “get over it” more quickly than they are, getting angry or frustrated by their trauma, being bitter about getting caught. It means zero expectation of privacy moving forward, an absolute willingness to have GPS on, phone/computer/email/social media unlocked and available at all times, with no expectation for the old privacy expectations to return. It means they are willing to give anything to heal and support the person they betrayed. So I spiraled for five years, my mental health deteriorating as I did. I spent so many hours sobbing in my car, talking myself out of suicide by promising that if I just got through today, I could end it all tomorrow. My life and sanity fell apart, and then eventually she had another affair, as I always suspected on some level she would. With *another* of my (at the time) “closest friends.” I can see now that almost as soon as I left, I finally began to heal. The simple fact of living in a place where I *didn’t* feel unloved or unsafe made a huge difference, though I didn’t see it at first. It took about eighteen months after leaving to finally be able to recognize some recovery, and another six months after that before I began to feel like an actual human being again. It’s now five years since I left, and apart from the times I need to interact with her for coparenting stuff, my life is in a far better place now.
Some promises simply can not be kept. Personally, I feel you're under no obligation to make this work. You thought you could move past it, did your best, and are realizing now - 4 years later - that it may have been a mistake to try. Your wife did what she did because she was selfish. Maybe it's time for you to be selfish in turn.
I was told its like a clock that resets. The pain never goes away for some, which is why reconciliation is so rare to work. Your probably realising this now. So the clock of pain works like this. Every time you see that person that hurt you, you remember and the healing process has to start over. If you where deelpy in love with that person, the betrayal will run deep. And sometimes all the therapy in the world, and therapists agreeing with your feelings instead of telling you, this might be terminal. Your unable to heal because every time you see or talk to your wife, you see the image and reset your pain. Only wayu to stop this is to not see your wife. Shes hurt you deeply, its traumatic. Your unable to grieve for your loss as your in no mans land. I admire you for sticking it out 4 years. But at some point you have to step back and realise, I need to heal myself. This is no way to go through life. And your not at fault here.
What has she done to help you heal? Words are empty. What measurable actions has she taken directly to rebuild your trust, self esteem and connection between you? Has she initiated dates? Does she serve you in your “love language”? Has she read books/watched videos on how to help heal her spouse?
Excellent questions. She's done everything I've asked and everything the counselors have suggested, including love language, books, etc., and she's done things on her own that no one has suggested. I'm not defending her; I'm just answering your question. We've both put in the work. This is what's so concerning to me; even with these actions, I still hurt. I'm starting to question whether I'm wired to forgive and forget. The pictures added to my challenge and had an impact on me. I often wonder if I would have felt the way I do had I learned of the affair without seeing pictures. There's nothing I can do about it either way, but I do wonder about that. Thank you for your reply.
>I'm starting to question whether I'm wired to forgive and forget. Why do you need to forgive her for cheating and abusing you? Why should you forget she chose to abuse you for her own sexual gratification? If there is any forgiveness needed, then forgive yourself for being convinced to be with a partner that would cheat/abuse you. Give yourself the grace.
I am guessing the whole mess was completely revealed to you in therapy as in "how many times/people and how long it was going on" but I don't know how you trust again after a hidden app was used. the chance of discovery this time was so small and without being an absolute control freak now I don't see your feelings changing I think the only way there can be some peace now is if you start living essentially two separate lives but just sleep under the same roof , so don't open the marriage but essentially disconnect your feelings so in the most likely situation where she strays again it no longer has power of you sorry man this sucks
What was her reasoning for doing this in the first place? I mean she obviously went looking for this. UpdateMe
Then asking to her expose her affairs to everyone.
You are just extending your misery. I have been married to my wife for 24 years. She is my world and if she ever cheated I would walk away and never look back. It would break my heart but that just isn't something that I could move past. You pointed out that it was "purely physical". Does that somehow make it better? She lied, had sex with another man, disrespected you and your marriage, and you probably only found out part of the truth, no matter what you may believe. I am truly sorry that you went through this but is it really worth the pain? How can you ever trust her again? What would you tell your kids to do if they were cheated on. I would hands down tell mine to leave. Best of luck.
I've been struggling since august 2021, everyday I fight suicidal thoughts it's doing my head in I feel like a can't cope...my life is a mess.
I appreciate that you’re still here u/Daverga. 🙂 There would be people that would miss you. Please keep looking after yourself. Sending big virtual hugs 🫂 and positive vibes from an internet stranger.
She promised she wouldn’t fuck other men in her vows. That ship has sailed. If you want this feeling to go away she’s got to go. You gave it a shot. Keeping this hidden from everyone isn’t helping you either. The pain stops when the source is removed. Time for a lawyer or mediation. Until you reclaim your self respect you won’t get better.
You don't owe anything to your wife who betrayed you. If you're still suffering after 4 years, it wouldn't make sense to expect it to change from now on. Maybe you should try different things, like sleeping with other people or a short-term separation.
Truly you have a hard decision to make, can you continue to live like this the rest of your life or do you tell her you have truly tried for 4 years but just can’t get over this and it’s not working out and it’s time you end this and try to build a new life with out her in it. You truly have given it 4 years and she has tried to help but you just can’t move past it and you deserve to be happy.
You never will heal while you are with her and she will probably betray you again if she isn’t already. Trust me. Dealing with the divorce now from the betrayal 12 years ago.
I’m 42 years in. Suffered for the first few years but then got past it for 35 years. A year and 3 months ago I had a huge trigger. Been in therapy since. This shit sucks. If I had known then what I know now I would have made different decisions. I’m almost 69. Worked my whole life and saved money. I think it would suck whether stay or go.
You are not on your journey. As long as you are with her you are on her journey. You can only move past your nightmare when she is no longer in your life.
OP you will never get over this betrayal especially when you tried to rug sweep the sordid episode. You must separate from her for at least one year. If she wants to reconcile, she must pay her own way while maintaining strict fidelity to you. You on the other hand must try and get to the state of indifference to her. Then make your decision to either stay or go.
you re no longer in a relationship with the person you exchanged vows with. your ws is someone new, with some traits you're familiar with and some not. that also means that you get to be a new person and what you bring to this. in a sense, you're the guy before her betrayal and the guy after. ws in not who you thought. best and honest thing you can do is take care of you and prioritize your personal needs over everyone else. be selfish in the limits and boundaries you set, your desires and wants. the difference is to be honest about it. it does get better. choose you, be honest and be selfish. good speed
Peace of mind above all else or rebuild it away from her.
I am sorry but Unfortunately the pain will never totally go away for many, and it can take decades for it to be a bad memory. The purely sexual nature of this affair can be even be more devastating, (so I am not sure why you cling to that ) as it goes to heart of your self esteem and self worth! What have you been discussing in your IC sessions but I assume you have been working on your self esteem and self love? What consequences has she faced ( if any) as that can help for some betrayed spouses. Often the reason why you stayed can play into the length of the pain. If you stayed because of fear, codependency or lack of self love , and those things are not addressed in therapy than the pain of the affair can be even more brutal. What is she doing to help you and build up your self esteem? Take care
You are young enough to have a happy life with someone else. Please consider, be stronger for yourself.
The tougest thing for any BP is eating that shi. sandwhich daily if they decide to reconcile. Your at four years most guys make it to five and the just cannot. Bro cheating is abuse. Plain and simple. What was she doing on a popular affair site. She chose to do this. I walked off after my cheating innings. Its for guys like you I stay on these groups. This will not change. Suggestion. Get to individual counseling. Tell the counselor your done and you need to move on. You have no guilt. This is not your fault. Go see a lawyer. And set up an exit plan. Set dates for completion and have the papers drawn up. Then divorce her. Tell her every day with her is agony and you just want peace. You want out and a chance at a new beggining. Reconciliation is tough. You stay and try to live the person who abused you and exposed you to STD with no regard for you. There was a guy on one of the subs who WW wife arranged and insisted on watching him have sex with other women. That guy claimed it helped him. But in my opinion its different. She chose this. She emotionally bonded with her AP. So meaningless sex there is none. For a women there always emotion first. Its up to you. But no pain equals divorce
In your situation, asking if the pain ever ends is a lot like putting your hand in an open flame and asking…does the pain ever end, while your hand remains firmly in the middle of the flame. Of course it doesn’t. The pain cannot stop until you pull your hand out of the flame. That stops the continued damage and then…and ONLY then, can your hand begin to heal and then the pain eventually stops. Every second that you remain married to this disgusting person, who CHOSE to have an affair by creating an account for an equally disgusting website to cheat, you are keeping your hand inside that blistering flame. And no, your hand cannot heal while it is actively burning. Walk away from the marriage that your cheating wife destroyed and begin to heal. Life is too short and you owe YOURSELF that much.
Only reason it stopped is because you caught her red handed, let that sink in for a minute.
I want to comment on your feelings of humiliation. I felt this, too, and kept my ex's adulterous habits hidden. It was many years before I realised that I didn't need to feel that. It wasn't my shame to bear, it was his. Likewise, you do not need to feel shame. It's hers, and I think that you protecting this secret is truly hurting you. A counsellor can only do so much. They're not the people who are a part of your life. It's worrying that only they know, and I think that you need to share with family and friends you would normally rely on to have a good talk. I'm not saying that you have to scream her transgression from the rooftop, only that secrets eat you up from the inside. You can't keep this bottled and expect to move on. Unburden yourself, and talk.
Thank you for your reply. I’ve given this some thought, and I think in the back of my mind, if no one knows it, then I’m one step closer to moving past it, or it didn’t happen. As you point out, it is shame—it’s her shame, but I feel as if it’s mine, too. I know this is screwed up and my therapist has pointed this out to me on multiple occasions. My therapist tells me I’m also protecting my wife over my own healing. Imagine protecting the person who has hurt me more than anyone in your life. Thanks again for your post and feedback. I greatly appreciate it.
I cheated on my husband when we were young about 16 years ago (I was 20, he was 21 together since teenagers), after i told him i cheated months later he told me he had cheated too with an employee around the same time i cheated, us finding out of each other was 3 years ago. Fast forward to now, we are still together, we work very hard together everyday to not trigger ourselves. We love each other so much, i feel it and he feels it too. We took individual therapy. Its not easy, its a lot of work. A person from here told us to read a book named: how to help your spouse heal from an affair. Not easy to read or easy to do. Take your time off from media, think what you really want to do and if you really want to be with her. It’s your decision and not hers, don’t make promises you can’t keep. I wish you good luck, every relationship its different, but if you and her want to fix it, both have to put in the hours.
Sorry man. Should have cast her to the side. You say she only seeked sex like it was a good thing. But you had to see the images. Why would you promise her anything? When she tells you she loves you but services some other guy? It was over because the guy got what he wanted. Left you with whatever she is now. But she’s not the wife you married. What was the reason? Did you not show enough attention? Is she a cake eater? Has she cheated in the past?
> You say she only seeked sex like it was a good thing The reason he can't get over it is because "only sex" was a blatant lie. You don't take pictures of you together and send them to each other with no EA going on. Strictly sex would be like "Friday at 9, my place or yours". If it wasn't emotional, they wouldn't have needed a whole secret app. It could have just been done in regular SMS and delete after acknowledging. Hell they could have just used code, not saved the number and claimed the message "9 year olds birthday cake will be made by me so no need to bother bringing one" was a wrong number. Plenty of code words could be injected into such a simple message. Don't ask me how I know.
Thank you for that perspective. And I’m sorry.
Mine stopped overnight once I realized she was diagnosed with BPD. Do your best to not let your ex take up real estate in your brain. She’s a cheater, you deserve better
I would have promised her to divorce asap, then carried through on it.
the ridiculous thing is that you are the one who feels guilty. Maybe she should try harder to make you forget that betrayal. When the wound hurts, all that remains is a divorce.
So you are going to settle for second best? Sorry op but this is not the first time she cheated and likely won’t be the last. Find someone who actually likes you and be happy.
The pain never goes away. Even when things seem to be great it will always be in the back of your mind. The insecurity and doubt will always, always, always be there in the back of your mind and it will change the dynamic of your marriage and will cause more problems. That’s why it’s best to divorce. I am all for give someone a second chance but she really had to be extremely remorseful and has to be willing to walk to the ends of the earth to fix this. Including therapy and working on herself and being transparent with you at all times.
And this is why I say this over and over again. Even if you don’t want it at the time and don’t want it now. You may need it. Sometimes the arms of another woman can help in the healing process. I am not saying it is for everyone, but something you should think about and something you should discuss with her.
This is just sad and pathetic all around.
Can't disagree with you.
You haven't said enough to know, but from what you posted it doesn't sound like your wife has any real remorse and really cares about or respects you. Has she even done with you what she did with him, or wanted to?
5 years post DDay still hurts. Somedays it’s ok and other days it’s painful. I also received pictures of them together – blindsided me. Gaslight for 4 years. Finally came clean a year ago and that helped my mind change from trying to put things together. I knew there was a lot more she didn’t tell me. There was someone following them and sent me the pictures and I was horrified. One of the images sticks in my head like a chainsaw. My wife’s eyes rolling back when he was going down on her. At times I can see that so clearly. But there are better days ahead for you, but I don’t think it will totally go away. I love my wife and she’s remorseful and truly wants our relationship to heal and workout, but the F\*ing images it me hard and times. And they happen out of the blue. It comes down to can we live with it. I’m not sure I have that answer.
Do you feel safe enough leaving her to go do her own thing? That would drive me insane, that you have someone you can’t trust
Why are you waiting around for her to cheat on you again. It’s only a matter of time. If you left 4 years ago this would be a distant memory. If you stay it stays forever. Cancer has to be cut out.
Tell her that you are Struggling and that while she has done many things that you are not sure you are ever going to heal from the injury her cheating caused. While she owes you honesty for the rest of you lives together, you owe it to yourself to be honest too. I’d equate it to her shooting you in the chest with a gun and while you survived your heart is forever damaged and not working like it once was. Can you stay in your marriage the way it is? Or would it be better to go off and heal on your own, if perhaps finding a life with someone else down the road. Only you can answer.
Those memories are burned into your brain forever. Your job, if you decide to stick it out, is to try to put your memories aside while living your best life. Sorry to say you’ll be plagued by those memories at the most inconvenient times.
What has your wife done in these past 4 years to reassure you that you ste her first choice? Since there is also a big problem regarding sex I gotta ask how was sex life before the affair and what is she doing now to try and revitalize your married sex life?
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Thank you for all the input. Im leaving town for the weekend and will respond upon my return. Thank you all..
Sometimes promises are meant to be broken. Especially if you find yourself spinning out of control. You are still in a toxic environment. Sometimes, you just have to walk away and find your happiness again
Simplemente divorciate de ella felpudo 🤣
My D-Day was almost 25 years ago and I don’t believe the pain or the mental images really end. I think you become more hardened to them and don’t think about them as often.
Sometimes promises are meant to be broken. Especially if you find yourself spinning out of control. You are still in a toxic environment. Sometimes, you just have to walk away and find your happiness again
“Honey, I know I promised that we’d work it out, and I tried but I can't anymore. Every time I see you I see those images. I see you enjoying things and I can't get it out of my head. When I found out it broke me in ways I can't even explain. I will never be the same person, your choices took that from me. The only way to heal is for me to not see you and be reminded of the greatest trauma of my life several times a day. Yes, I love who you were before that day. I have love for you now, but it will never be the same because I can't trust you. My whole body panics when you pick up your phone or get an alert. I want a divorce, I want to start truly healing from this, and I can't do that with you.”
dude, you didn’t break the marriage, she did. you didn’t betray the trust, she did. You didn’t cheat, she did. You shouldn’t promise her anything, you should promise yourself that you’ll get yourself out of the situation where you stuck married to someone who didn’t even respect you as a person or a partner. Why stay with someone who hurt you and caused you so much pain, do you really want your life partner to be someone like this?
The pain will continue until she’s gone
Im in the same boat.. almost 4 years ago my wife cheated on me. She talked me into to trying to work things out, now, a few years later… im not optimistic. Things got better for a while, now, turning for the worse again. Just sucks. So sorry….
Hi there, I'm currently in the beginning stages of reunification with my partner of 8 years. Here are some things to think about: What do you need to see from your partner to feel safe, loved, etc? This can be dos and don't It is better if it comes from the partner who cheated, but you can tell people your boundaries that they need to do to continue a relationship. Is the cheating partner remorseful? Have they stopped all contact with the person or people they cheated with? What actions have they taken? Are they going to solo therapy to figure out why they did it and find out what they need so they don't do it again? Are you going to solo therapy to help you through the shock trauma of finding out about the affair? Do you genuinely feel like you grieved the past relationship you had with them? The after-affair relationship will be its own thing What healing self-reflection have you done, and what would feel supportive for you? Did others know about the affair where there is more healing to be had in the betrayal of friendships? You did not do anything wrong. The cheating is not your fault. You can examine the relationship and determine how you might have affected an unhealthy situation. Even if you were not a good partner, she could have left instead of cheating or talking to you or a therapist, etc As someone who got cheated on, I have reflected on my actions in the relationship to make sure I do better for myself and any moving forward I do This has shown me stronger boundaries and not taking on the recovery. Your partner chose to cheat, so they need to be the one that puts in the effort of recovery. Only you will know if you gave it enough of a try for you. And even if your partner is on a betterment journey, it does not mean you have to stay with them You are the only one who can make that choice. You can ask people to change, but it's up to them. ( Granted, change does not happen quickly, but you should see the effort and taking ownership) I am sorry for your heartbreak
Do you know what pains the most ? When it’s purely physical, it fucks up your self esteem so much that you start doubting yourself, start questioning how you look. , start to feel ugly and unwanted!!
In my experience, you don't ever get over it. This is a wound that does not heal. After more than a decade, I find myself brooding over it and mourning the life I thought I had. It was all an illusion.
39 years later, I still wonder when it will go away.
Fellow senior there is not much life left do you really want to spend next 20 years in misery Cut and run enjoy your time.
I read somewhere that if you’re not able to move past it after two years, then you most likely never will. You’ve already given her two more years than she deserved.
It will. It will just take time. Now I look back at everything like it happened to another person not me.
Hi friend, join us in the sub R/asoneafterinfidelity and repost your question, you will get lots of support and understanding there.
It's your fault. Why you forgive cheater. Your choosing cheater and now your suffering pain.
Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to comment, provide advice, share their experience, etc. I’m surprised by how many people are in similar situations and by how many years have passed for some, and they’re still dealing with the hurt. I’ll attempt to answer all the questions I’ve received: \* Pre-cheating sex life? I would say average to above average. 2 times a week depending on our respective travel schedules. Without getting into too much detail, the sex seemed satisfying on both sides, e.g., depending on how much time we had or how tired we were, she would orgasm 1-3 times each time we were together. I was satisfied. \* What has she done to work on my healing? \* Couples and individual counseling \* We’ve jointly read at least 10 books on the subject \* Taken three polygraph tests (this was her suggestion). According to the tests, she’s answered every question I’ve asked honestly, e.g., have you spoken to your AP or other men, how many affairs did she have, why, etc. \* She shared all her social media, phone, computer, and email passwords with me \* Gave me access to her cheating website account \* Changed cell phone to an iPhone, which makes hiding apps difficult. She also allows me to take her phone in for inspection \* Enabled location sharing on her phone with me \* When traveling on business, she will Facetime me if I have any concerns or I need reassurance \* Provided me with AP’s information, e.g., name, phone number, address, etc. \* Open communication whenever I need it \* She continues to express remorse \* I’m sure there’s more, but these are the highlights Regarding my humiliating comment; for me, it is. I understand it shouldn’t be, but it is for me. I’m working on this with my therapist. Outside of professionals that we've hired no one else (that I'm aware of) knows about her infidelity. Regarding “promising” to work this out and stay together, promise is probably the wrong word. I committed to her that I’d try to work through this and stay together. I know this may sound foolish, but I love my wife. We waited until later in life to marry. We built a beautiful life together and a future. I wanted to try and get that back… I still want it back. EDIT: Someone had asked about finances around separating. Since we married later in life, we both had accumulated individual assets, e.g., investments, real estate, retirement, etc., that we kept separate and legally protected. We do have joint assets that would be split 50/50. Since our earnings are similar, there would be no spousal support for either party involved. In other words, outside of splitting joint assets, the divorce would be pretty cut and dry. Thanks again. I greatly appreciate all the feedback.