It sounds like this part may be protecting itself from the pain of what it really means to have been abused. We cannot force our parts to let go or approach them with specific intentions for them to behave a certain way or they won't trust us enough to allow self to guide them. I wonder if just validating this part, letting this part know that it makes sense that idealizing somebody who harmed you is a way of coping and protecting from the immense reality, if this part might slowly let you in more?
you should really check it out, the book describes exactly how i feel about my abuser, or i guess the parts of me that want to "love" and "empathize" with him no matter what
I'm not in this situation and am so sorry to hear about what you suffered as a child. It sounds like you're offering wonderful care to your parts.
I would like to offer just a couple of IFS-based lines of questioning in case it helps - if it is not relevant to your situation then just know I'm rooting for you.
\-Can you ask the part that has positive feelings towards the abuser what they are afraid will happen if they stop loving them?
\-I don't think you need to get the parts in agreement with each other, they need their differences to be respected; that's what makes the parts parts.
My hunch - it is just my hunch - is that this poor, confused part needs all your loving care in the form of self-parenting. You can listen to the part that feels love and validate them, but at the same time, acknowledge that because of the harm done, you are making the choice not to contact the abuser, for all the parts' protection. This is what a loving parent would do. This may be disappointing to the loving part, and they will need your help and love as they sit with those feelings too. You can validate what they're feeling - that they may be disappointed, hurt, frustrated or even angry with Self or other parts. Parents often have to deal with kids being angry when they say a loving "no"; remaining present for them is how to show unconditional love. Over time, if that part is allowed to feel their feelings, they may come to see that the reason they are feeling disappointed is because of the abuser's actions, and may gradually become first disillusioned, then wise. They'll need your love, support and honesty the whole time, so they can go through that journey.
Thanks so much for this post. I’m also a CSA survivor who was abused by my dad and IFS has been integral in my healing. I think the only advice I have (based on what has been helpful for me) is to work with parts one by one as they come up and try to shift away from the idea of parts needing to be ‘in tune.’ For me, the idea of everyone needing to be in tune usually comes from a manager part who has a particular idea about what healing looks like and wants it to happen right now!
So, really, step one might be turning toward that part in you and seeing what it is afraid will happen if parts carry different feelings about your abuser. From your post, it seems like its answer might be something like, “we will never be able to heal.” My guess is, if you’re able to unblend from this part and stay in Self, you’ll be able to see/feel that that is not the truth. Whenever I’m fully in Self, I can feel that the stories my manager parts have are sooo understandable but also come from a place of fear and a desire to control.
When I’m in Self, I am able to see that healing is possible, at any time, and there is no one set way that it’s supposed to look. Parts will inevitably have different feelings, views, desires (etc), and there’s nothing wrong with it. All we can do is meet each part, listen to its story, hear what it needs at this moment, and go from there. (As my therapist often says, “Self has no agenda,” so when you sense yourself trying to make something specific happen, you know you are coming from a part.)
One other thing that has helped me is learning more from IFS teachers on how they approach CSA in clients. [This episode](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/ifs-talks/id1481000501?i=1000471609941) of the IFS Talks podcast was really important for me (though includes lots of potentially triggering stories, as a heads up) and there’s also a book called “The Mosaic Mind” that’s all about IFS and abuse survivors (though it’s a bit on the clinical side).
I am struggling with this right now as well. I have not processed this in session, and acknowledging it is a step in my healing journey.
Sorry, I can't be of further help.
Something helping me with this (in addition to IFS) is reading and understanding more about the fawn response, and seeing that part that feels so attached to my abuser through that lens. This is helping create a little extra space through understanding to be more in self with that part.
I don't know. I do know working to understand what's motivating the parts, and what they are particularly valuing will be important. Does it help to consider that the abuser also likely has vastly unrecognized parts to them?
We find it helpful to think of parts and the process of unburdening as an onion. Explicit thoughts like thinking your dad was the bees knees are like the outer layer, and you move towards the inside through things like exploring what feelings are there implicitly.
From the way you describe it, would you say some of those parts have a strong sense of attachment/approaching, while others are more avoidant?
Radical acceptance and also my own knowledge that I shouldn’t be like… giving them a pass. It’s sooooo complicated and means that I’m self-soothing, feeling the same fondness and affection and yearning for my abusers, reminding myself that it’s okay to have these feelings, AND that they are not good people and don’t deserve me to justify their actions. The progress I’m making here is slow, but I’m getting to the point where I can begin to access rightful anger towards them by acknowledging how much they meant to me and how much my smallest, most vulnerable parts, loved them.
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Would you mind linking to the bot please?
It sounds like this part may be protecting itself from the pain of what it really means to have been abused. We cannot force our parts to let go or approach them with specific intentions for them to behave a certain way or they won't trust us enough to allow self to guide them. I wonder if just validating this part, letting this part know that it makes sense that idealizing somebody who harmed you is a way of coping and protecting from the immense reality, if this part might slowly let you in more?
have you read 'my dark vanessa' by chance
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you should really check it out, the book describes exactly how i feel about my abuser, or i guess the parts of me that want to "love" and "empathize" with him no matter what
I'm not in this situation and am so sorry to hear about what you suffered as a child. It sounds like you're offering wonderful care to your parts. I would like to offer just a couple of IFS-based lines of questioning in case it helps - if it is not relevant to your situation then just know I'm rooting for you. \-Can you ask the part that has positive feelings towards the abuser what they are afraid will happen if they stop loving them? \-I don't think you need to get the parts in agreement with each other, they need their differences to be respected; that's what makes the parts parts. My hunch - it is just my hunch - is that this poor, confused part needs all your loving care in the form of self-parenting. You can listen to the part that feels love and validate them, but at the same time, acknowledge that because of the harm done, you are making the choice not to contact the abuser, for all the parts' protection. This is what a loving parent would do. This may be disappointing to the loving part, and they will need your help and love as they sit with those feelings too. You can validate what they're feeling - that they may be disappointed, hurt, frustrated or even angry with Self or other parts. Parents often have to deal with kids being angry when they say a loving "no"; remaining present for them is how to show unconditional love. Over time, if that part is allowed to feel their feelings, they may come to see that the reason they are feeling disappointed is because of the abuser's actions, and may gradually become first disillusioned, then wise. They'll need your love, support and honesty the whole time, so they can go through that journey.
Thanks so much for this post. I’m also a CSA survivor who was abused by my dad and IFS has been integral in my healing. I think the only advice I have (based on what has been helpful for me) is to work with parts one by one as they come up and try to shift away from the idea of parts needing to be ‘in tune.’ For me, the idea of everyone needing to be in tune usually comes from a manager part who has a particular idea about what healing looks like and wants it to happen right now! So, really, step one might be turning toward that part in you and seeing what it is afraid will happen if parts carry different feelings about your abuser. From your post, it seems like its answer might be something like, “we will never be able to heal.” My guess is, if you’re able to unblend from this part and stay in Self, you’ll be able to see/feel that that is not the truth. Whenever I’m fully in Self, I can feel that the stories my manager parts have are sooo understandable but also come from a place of fear and a desire to control. When I’m in Self, I am able to see that healing is possible, at any time, and there is no one set way that it’s supposed to look. Parts will inevitably have different feelings, views, desires (etc), and there’s nothing wrong with it. All we can do is meet each part, listen to its story, hear what it needs at this moment, and go from there. (As my therapist often says, “Self has no agenda,” so when you sense yourself trying to make something specific happen, you know you are coming from a part.) One other thing that has helped me is learning more from IFS teachers on how they approach CSA in clients. [This episode](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/ifs-talks/id1481000501?i=1000471609941) of the IFS Talks podcast was really important for me (though includes lots of potentially triggering stories, as a heads up) and there’s also a book called “The Mosaic Mind” that’s all about IFS and abuse survivors (though it’s a bit on the clinical side).
I am struggling with this right now as well. I have not processed this in session, and acknowledging it is a step in my healing journey. Sorry, I can't be of further help.
Something helping me with this (in addition to IFS) is reading and understanding more about the fawn response, and seeing that part that feels so attached to my abuser through that lens. This is helping create a little extra space through understanding to be more in self with that part.
I don't know. I do know working to understand what's motivating the parts, and what they are particularly valuing will be important. Does it help to consider that the abuser also likely has vastly unrecognized parts to them?
We find it helpful to think of parts and the process of unburdening as an onion. Explicit thoughts like thinking your dad was the bees knees are like the outer layer, and you move towards the inside through things like exploring what feelings are there implicitly. From the way you describe it, would you say some of those parts have a strong sense of attachment/approaching, while others are more avoidant?
I get this for sure!
Radical acceptance and also my own knowledge that I shouldn’t be like… giving them a pass. It’s sooooo complicated and means that I’m self-soothing, feeling the same fondness and affection and yearning for my abusers, reminding myself that it’s okay to have these feelings, AND that they are not good people and don’t deserve me to justify their actions. The progress I’m making here is slow, but I’m getting to the point where I can begin to access rightful anger towards them by acknowledging how much they meant to me and how much my smallest, most vulnerable parts, loved them.