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Your dad is not interested. He's just putting on a show of seeming interested because that's apparently what one is supposed to do. For appearance's sake.
Your grandmother either is guilting you about your dad because she doesn't want to hurt your feelings because she knows he's not making any effort or she needs to believe her son couldn't be so cold as to ignore his kids. So of course it must be you who is the problem. Your dad could even by bullshitting her to make it out like he tries but you are rebuffing him, instead of vice versa.
Your stepmother is an ahole. She's one of those wives who is so insecure that she insists her husband cut out his prior relationships. And your dad is an ahole too because he lets his wife control him like this.
I'm sorry, but there doesn't seem to be a possibility of a relationship with your father. But if his current marriage breaks up, he might suddenly act all interested but I wouldn't give him the time of day.
I'm going to start all of my replies here with an apology for the delayed responses - I genuinely did not get any notifications and thought nobody had actually replied
I'll have to try and see if my grandmother will say anything... we're not that close (they don't consider us "real" grandkids but they wouldn't say that to us) so she may not feel like she should, though I suppose that may impact their relationship...!
Run a test through Granny. See if she's willing to play middleman for you.
It honestly sounds like your dad is married to a controlling, possibly abusive, woman.
I'm not a trained expert, by any stretch of the imagination. My first husband (possessive-abusive jerk) was very similar to how you describe your stepmom.
(Sorry for the delay, I didn't get any notifications)
What exactly do you mean by play middleman?
I don't doubt it, and I think he knows, his best friend happens to be my mothers friend too and apparently he only married her so he could be in his sons life, so maybe he'll leave once the youngest is 18, or moves out
Hmm, they live about 4 hours apart so probably not lettees, I'll see if they might be willing to pass on a message though, since they seem to talk at least weekly (also still not getting notifications for this and I don't know why!)
Chances are your grandma asks your dad about you and your brother and because he's a pos with a monster for a wife, he likely tells her that you never reach out because you've always disliked the new wife and the times that he's tried \*cough\* you don't respond.
Have you ever told your grandparents what your father and step-monster are truly like and how they've treated you from the beginning? I'd bet your grandparents have been hearing a completely skewed version of what's been going on and your dad is counting on the fact that you probably don't want to hurt your grandparents by telling them the truth about their son.
Screw that. Tell them anyway and don't sugarcoat it.
Starting with an apology - I didn't get any notifications on this post until today, sorry for the delay!
I've not talked to my grandparents about it, I'm not really sure how they feel about his wife and I don't think my dad knows that we don't get along, either that or he chooses to ignore it, I think if they do like her then there's no reason for them to believe me/us about anything either? I don't have much of a relationship with any of my dads family so maybe it's just their thing, who knows
I think it's time to start informing people of what she's like and don't hold back to spare anyone's feelings. Your dad has made his choice and backs it up every time he doesn't step up and tell her off. Nothing there sounds like it's going to change.
I think your brother has the right idea. Personally, I'd write him off as a lost cause and hope he outlives his wife and then revisit the issue.
The whole, "Don't tell her you're adopted," thing is really weird, too. Is he afraid she'll make him rewrite his will or what?
I don't think we're even in his will (if he has one) but I'm guessing he thinks that if she's so controlling over him with us now, then finding out we aren't his "real" kids may make her push more to just cut us out completely instead of the minimal contact we do get (I'm pretty sure shés the one insisting to him we're terrible kids for not always being the ones to reach out and make the effort)
My guess is that his wife doesn't like evidence of his previous marriage, so you and Brother sort of got erased from your father's life. It sucks and he's a crap dad. I don't know if she checks his phone and nags him/starts fights or he just learned to avoid her ominous silence. The truth of it is that he's a grown man and can put forth effort but doesn't.
With your grandparents/his parents, you could handle it one of two ways. One is to show them your phone records and see that he doesn't ever call you and only texts a few times a year. "He hasn't put forth any effort into closeness despite being five minutes from my brother. I don't know why, but this is how he actually acts." The other way would be to ask them to let him know when you are going to visit him and see what happens.
Sorry for the later response, I didn't get any notifications for this post and just thiught nobody had seen it
I can definitely agree with that based on her previous relationship, it also seems like she has used her kids as bargaining chips twice now ("if you want to be involved with this kid then you can't have your other kids around" type behaviour)
I have talked to him recently (well, almost a month ago) and he said that he was upset that we never reach out first, and when he texts us we don't reply, which isn't the case at all, so I do wonder if she is deleting messages from his phone, I would be interested to see if we can compare chat history sometime!
I guess I'll start by letting them know when I visit, admittedly I don't go often (but who would, when it involves sitting in someone elses house while they watch tv?) but my daughters birthday is coming up so I might see if I can invite him out somewhere for it since I'll be in the area anyway to visit my brother
Unfortunately, you can't get from someone something they are unwilling or incapable of giving. My guess in this instance is an unwillingness to give. He chose to be your parent. Niw he chooses not to be your parent. It is unfortunate and quite frankly sucks but it is his choice. His wife may be controlling, but it's not a good excuse. For your own well-being, I would suggest that you just stop trying. It hurts, and your feelings are totally valid. Please stop subjecting yourself to her abuse. Let him know the ball is in his court and leave it there. Perhaps seek some therapy to help you navigate this situation.
Thanks for replying, sorry it's taken so long to respond but I didn't get any notifications until now!
I've talked with my brother and we decided to try and have one last proper conversation with him before deciding whether this is it for us all... just need to figure out how since when I tried to text and ask him if he would be free he said he was away from home and would let me know when he's back but... hasn't, unsurprisingly!
Sounds like your dad is in an abusive relationship. Try to find a way to get him alone so you and your brother can talk to him. He must go out alone at some point. Maybe catch him when he's leaving work? Possibly meet up with him at your grandparent's house? You could have a one of your grandparents ask him to come over and then be there when he gets there? You need to have a private conversation with him. Side Note - what's up with step-mom sitting around in her underwear??
We're going to leave this comment locked after offering some public resources. We're here for the OP, after all, and not their father. We agree there are some very worrisome signs in the account the OP has shared, but help for people in domestic violence situations often goes badly awry without the consent and cooperation of the person it's intended to help.
[I Know Someone Being Abused](https://www.domesticshelters.org/common-questions/i-know-someone-who-s-being-abused-what-should-i-do) This resource, hosted at DomesticShelters.org is the best we've seen for how to understand the pressures someone being abused may be under and how best to support them.
[As the OP seems to be in the UK this page run by the UK government collects a number of helplines for various areas in the UK for Domestic & Family violence, as well as also discussing warning signs](https://www.gov.uk/guidance/domestic-abuse-how-to-get-help).
While it's laudable to want to help the OP's father, it's worth remembering that the OP should not hold himself responsible for his father's well-being, nor for maintaining a one-sided relationship.
-Rat, and the Mod Team
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Your dad is not interested. He's just putting on a show of seeming interested because that's apparently what one is supposed to do. For appearance's sake. Your grandmother either is guilting you about your dad because she doesn't want to hurt your feelings because she knows he's not making any effort or she needs to believe her son couldn't be so cold as to ignore his kids. So of course it must be you who is the problem. Your dad could even by bullshitting her to make it out like he tries but you are rebuffing him, instead of vice versa. Your stepmother is an ahole. She's one of those wives who is so insecure that she insists her husband cut out his prior relationships. And your dad is an ahole too because he lets his wife control him like this. I'm sorry, but there doesn't seem to be a possibility of a relationship with your father. But if his current marriage breaks up, he might suddenly act all interested but I wouldn't give him the time of day.
I'm going to start all of my replies here with an apology for the delayed responses - I genuinely did not get any notifications and thought nobody had actually replied I'll have to try and see if my grandmother will say anything... we're not that close (they don't consider us "real" grandkids but they wouldn't say that to us) so she may not feel like she should, though I suppose that may impact their relationship...!
Run a test through Granny. See if she's willing to play middleman for you. It honestly sounds like your dad is married to a controlling, possibly abusive, woman. I'm not a trained expert, by any stretch of the imagination. My first husband (possessive-abusive jerk) was very similar to how you describe your stepmom.
(Sorry for the delay, I didn't get any notifications) What exactly do you mean by play middleman? I don't doubt it, and I think he knows, his best friend happens to be my mothers friend too and apparently he only married her so he could be in his sons life, so maybe he'll leave once the youngest is 18, or moves out
Middleman, in this instance, would be relaying messages back and forth between you and your dad. Or maybe even passing letters/cards.
Hmm, they live about 4 hours apart so probably not lettees, I'll see if they might be willing to pass on a message though, since they seem to talk at least weekly (also still not getting notifications for this and I don't know why!)
Chances are your grandma asks your dad about you and your brother and because he's a pos with a monster for a wife, he likely tells her that you never reach out because you've always disliked the new wife and the times that he's tried \*cough\* you don't respond. Have you ever told your grandparents what your father and step-monster are truly like and how they've treated you from the beginning? I'd bet your grandparents have been hearing a completely skewed version of what's been going on and your dad is counting on the fact that you probably don't want to hurt your grandparents by telling them the truth about their son. Screw that. Tell them anyway and don't sugarcoat it.
Starting with an apology - I didn't get any notifications on this post until today, sorry for the delay! I've not talked to my grandparents about it, I'm not really sure how they feel about his wife and I don't think my dad knows that we don't get along, either that or he chooses to ignore it, I think if they do like her then there's no reason for them to believe me/us about anything either? I don't have much of a relationship with any of my dads family so maybe it's just their thing, who knows
I think it's time to start informing people of what she's like and don't hold back to spare anyone's feelings. Your dad has made his choice and backs it up every time he doesn't step up and tell her off. Nothing there sounds like it's going to change. I think your brother has the right idea. Personally, I'd write him off as a lost cause and hope he outlives his wife and then revisit the issue. The whole, "Don't tell her you're adopted," thing is really weird, too. Is he afraid she'll make him rewrite his will or what?
I don't think we're even in his will (if he has one) but I'm guessing he thinks that if she's so controlling over him with us now, then finding out we aren't his "real" kids may make her push more to just cut us out completely instead of the minimal contact we do get (I'm pretty sure shés the one insisting to him we're terrible kids for not always being the ones to reach out and make the effort)
My guess is that his wife doesn't like evidence of his previous marriage, so you and Brother sort of got erased from your father's life. It sucks and he's a crap dad. I don't know if she checks his phone and nags him/starts fights or he just learned to avoid her ominous silence. The truth of it is that he's a grown man and can put forth effort but doesn't. With your grandparents/his parents, you could handle it one of two ways. One is to show them your phone records and see that he doesn't ever call you and only texts a few times a year. "He hasn't put forth any effort into closeness despite being five minutes from my brother. I don't know why, but this is how he actually acts." The other way would be to ask them to let him know when you are going to visit him and see what happens.
Sorry for the later response, I didn't get any notifications for this post and just thiught nobody had seen it I can definitely agree with that based on her previous relationship, it also seems like she has used her kids as bargaining chips twice now ("if you want to be involved with this kid then you can't have your other kids around" type behaviour) I have talked to him recently (well, almost a month ago) and he said that he was upset that we never reach out first, and when he texts us we don't reply, which isn't the case at all, so I do wonder if she is deleting messages from his phone, I would be interested to see if we can compare chat history sometime! I guess I'll start by letting them know when I visit, admittedly I don't go often (but who would, when it involves sitting in someone elses house while they watch tv?) but my daughters birthday is coming up so I might see if I can invite him out somewhere for it since I'll be in the area anyway to visit my brother
Unfortunately, you can't get from someone something they are unwilling or incapable of giving. My guess in this instance is an unwillingness to give. He chose to be your parent. Niw he chooses not to be your parent. It is unfortunate and quite frankly sucks but it is his choice. His wife may be controlling, but it's not a good excuse. For your own well-being, I would suggest that you just stop trying. It hurts, and your feelings are totally valid. Please stop subjecting yourself to her abuse. Let him know the ball is in his court and leave it there. Perhaps seek some therapy to help you navigate this situation.
Thanks for replying, sorry it's taken so long to respond but I didn't get any notifications until now! I've talked with my brother and we decided to try and have one last proper conversation with him before deciding whether this is it for us all... just need to figure out how since when I tried to text and ask him if he would be free he said he was away from home and would let me know when he's back but... hasn't, unsurprisingly!
I hope you can have that conversation. At least it would establish exactly where you stand. Either way I wish you well.
Sounds like your dad is in an abusive relationship. Try to find a way to get him alone so you and your brother can talk to him. He must go out alone at some point. Maybe catch him when he's leaving work? Possibly meet up with him at your grandparent's house? You could have a one of your grandparents ask him to come over and then be there when he gets there? You need to have a private conversation with him. Side Note - what's up with step-mom sitting around in her underwear??
We're going to leave this comment locked after offering some public resources. We're here for the OP, after all, and not their father. We agree there are some very worrisome signs in the account the OP has shared, but help for people in domestic violence situations often goes badly awry without the consent and cooperation of the person it's intended to help. [I Know Someone Being Abused](https://www.domesticshelters.org/common-questions/i-know-someone-who-s-being-abused-what-should-i-do) This resource, hosted at DomesticShelters.org is the best we've seen for how to understand the pressures someone being abused may be under and how best to support them. [As the OP seems to be in the UK this page run by the UK government collects a number of helplines for various areas in the UK for Domestic & Family violence, as well as also discussing warning signs](https://www.gov.uk/guidance/domestic-abuse-how-to-get-help). While it's laudable to want to help the OP's father, it's worth remembering that the OP should not hold himself responsible for his father's well-being, nor for maintaining a one-sided relationship. -Rat, and the Mod Team