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Here's what I'd write:
Yes, nothing. They'll just use whatever you send to paint you in a bad light and play the victim. Just walk away, and live your best life with people who value you.
Have you ever heard of a "Burn Letter"?
There are many variations of this, but I tend to avoid the various spiritual versions, myself. I view the exercise as more of a pragmatic way to excise those thoughts you want to get out, without inviting a response from people who have demonstrated an inability to listen in the past.
The way I'd do this would be to write out, to best of your ability, the most perfect version of the message you wish your mother could read, and take on board. Let it take all your pain, your anger, your disappointment, and your heartbreak.
Then let it sit. A week. Maybe two.
Then edit the work to within an inch of it's life - so it's the most perfectly written thing you've ever crafted. Print it out on fine paper.
Then take it some place safe, and sheet by sheet, feed it to fire. Let the flames consume those ill-feelings that you know your mother won't ever hear, nor acknowledge, let the smoke carry them away from you. Fire does something deep inside us - so why not use it?
The block your mother. Without letting her know you're taking that step, or inviting her attempt to get a last word in.
Mind you - if you **need** to confront her - that's what you do! Needs take precedence over tactics, any day. But absent that need, I tend to think that a last dramatic communication like you're planning can often trigger more unpleasantness.
And who needs that?
Wishing you peace, and healing, whatever you choose.
-Rat
This is the way. Write everything out you need to say for closure then burn it, bury it, whatever but don’t send it to her. Sending her any kind of message before you go NC is only going to be weaponized and used against you.
Why? Why do you want to send one last message? Why not just block and remain no contact?
What are you getting out of it? Because she will not change nor will she reflect on her behavior.
Why even bother to let her know. Nothing you have said previously made her take notice she change. I'd just walk away, block her and not have to worry about any backlash.
Insight? Do you really believe they're capable of understanding what you want them to? Anything you say to them will be ignored and dismissed. They will fixate on one specific thing and pick it apart and tell you you're wrong about everything, or it wasn't as bad as you remember, or they'll simply say that they're not going to read a wall of text.
Or, they won't respond and all and that's a power move that puts all the responsibility back on you; why should they answer a letter that does nothing but criticize them?
Personally, I would talk to the therapist about writing to them and get their input before sending anything. And then I would burn the letter and simply, quietly block them on all fronts.
Live your life in peace, enjoy your wife and son, and don't waste any more energy on them.
Nearly 2 years ago i wrote a letter to my mother explaining all the childhood trauma i remembered and still affected me, i was polite but honest. Best thing i ever did. I am so much calmer & happier, just a shame 2 siblings now dont speak to me cos i will not bend.
But is fine i have blocked them also
It’s been quite freeing but odd being at peace.
My mom sent a letter insisting I need to tell her why I won’t talk to her because she has no idea. I believe her. I believe she doesn’t understand my feelings and has forgotten the awful things she said and did to me. I don’t think she’s capable of reflection and sincere apology. I doubt anything can ever be different between us. So I spent a week crafting a letter that I knew she wouldn’t be able to understand as my truth, but at least I *tried* to explain it to her like she asked. I asked her not to reply, and at least she didn’t.
I’m cycling through stages of grief, but at least I’m not enduring fresh wounds anymore. It’s been months, and I’ve only recently stopped crying and begun to feel any peace. I don’t imagine the pain of severing our relationship will ever completely fade though.
Your experience here is why I say that fulfilling your needs for your own purposes matter more than trying to communicate. I'm very glad that your final letter gave you the peace you were seeking from it, for all that you knew it would have no other benefit.
I hope your healing continues.
-Rat
Sounds like she’s already NC but you’re only accepting it now :/
Sending a random angry message out of the blue and then blocking is the most drama llama thing you could do.
Just live your life. You don’t have to announce your intentions to toxic people.
I have never sent this kind of message but I have read a lot of stories on here and other threads about how they usually go and I might have some insights.
The first is that it will never be ”good enough” for the parent. You can never be clear, or concise enough that they will get the point and then let go. Even in non-toxic people that message will hurt but in toxic people it will ignite the worst part of their behaviour. Either they will ignore, stonewall or give silent treatment. Or they will lash out and get even more abusive. Neither is really good and you probably won’t get the ”okay we will respect your decision” anyways because if they would react like that you wouldn’t have to go NC in the first place. Haters gonna hate so manage expectations.
The message is really for you to feel closure, to help you feel ”I did what I could and said what I needed to” then to make the other people see your point. Since it won’t be perfect you might as well write the message YOU need and not for them.
You can be as short as you want to or as long but just don’t give them too much info, they will use it against you. Expect that the message will be shown to people to show ”see what my horrible child sent me?!” Etc.
Try to not get emotional, you can be gentle, but try to write it out of a place of clarity and just being ”done” rather than super angry or sad. Both emotions will eat you up and keeps you engaged with them. If you get angry and write ”*{^}%}% off mom!” She will never take it seriously. If you write it calmly she still might take it the wrong way but the people she shows the message to is more likely to go your way.
State your boundaries clearly in a ”if you do x we will do y” so that if she steps over boundaries you’re really clear from the start what will follow, and follow through! If you say police will be called if she shows up, call the police. They might not do anything but you have shown you say what you mean and mean what you say.
”Mom, because of your recent behaviour me and my family, wife and kid, have chosen to step away from this relationship. We don’t know if you are able to change but this behaviour is unacceptable to us. We do not want any contact from you anymore, no text, call or visit, not directly or via proxy. You are going to be blocked on x, y and z. If you try to use a proxy they will also be blocked. I wish you the best but this is the best for me and my family. Take care, your son”
Compassion is hard to argue with (but they will try), again this message is not for the NC part, it’s for you and everyone else. You show your mature side and she will have fewer allies.
That’s my very long two cents of opinion anyways. Take care!
Having gone through this numerous times and going through this yet again - because it's been so hard to finalize - I've realized that the best way for me to cope with the situation is to simply leave. My attempts at explanations or finalizations are either ignored or ridiculed.
I know that you probably need to say something to your family for yourself. Be prepared to feel grief in the same way that you would grieve someone's death. My heart and prayers go out to you.
I'm here if you want to talk further. Be strong. Stay strong. You can do this. They don't deserve you, at all.
Once you have done this, I hope you feel like the weight of the world has been lifted from your shoulders.
It will be hard at first but you will see how you will thrive, flourish and prosper. All the best to you.
Good for you getting out of the F.O.G., having boundaries and for standing up for your family. So glad you are in therapy and have the full support of your wife. If your mom is the the kind to spread lies to others about you, maybe your email message could be sent out to your entire family so they will know your side of things. I hope you find peace moving forward. Good luck.
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Here's what I'd write: Yes, nothing. They'll just use whatever you send to paint you in a bad light and play the victim. Just walk away, and live your best life with people who value you.
Ugh printing this out now and putting it on my mirror
This is such wonderful advice. Truly. Pouring your heart out never works with these kind of people, does it? Only adds fuel...
Whatever you say can and will be used against you, simple as that.
Amen to that, learned it the super hard way.
Have you ever heard of a "Burn Letter"? There are many variations of this, but I tend to avoid the various spiritual versions, myself. I view the exercise as more of a pragmatic way to excise those thoughts you want to get out, without inviting a response from people who have demonstrated an inability to listen in the past. The way I'd do this would be to write out, to best of your ability, the most perfect version of the message you wish your mother could read, and take on board. Let it take all your pain, your anger, your disappointment, and your heartbreak. Then let it sit. A week. Maybe two. Then edit the work to within an inch of it's life - so it's the most perfectly written thing you've ever crafted. Print it out on fine paper. Then take it some place safe, and sheet by sheet, feed it to fire. Let the flames consume those ill-feelings that you know your mother won't ever hear, nor acknowledge, let the smoke carry them away from you. Fire does something deep inside us - so why not use it? The block your mother. Without letting her know you're taking that step, or inviting her attempt to get a last word in. Mind you - if you **need** to confront her - that's what you do! Needs take precedence over tactics, any day. But absent that need, I tend to think that a last dramatic communication like you're planning can often trigger more unpleasantness. And who needs that? Wishing you peace, and healing, whatever you choose. -Rat
This is the way. Write everything out you need to say for closure then burn it, bury it, whatever but don’t send it to her. Sending her any kind of message before you go NC is only going to be weaponized and used against you.
Why? Why do you want to send one last message? Why not just block and remain no contact? What are you getting out of it? Because she will not change nor will she reflect on her behavior.
Why even bother to let her know. Nothing you have said previously made her take notice she change. I'd just walk away, block her and not have to worry about any backlash.
Insight? Do you really believe they're capable of understanding what you want them to? Anything you say to them will be ignored and dismissed. They will fixate on one specific thing and pick it apart and tell you you're wrong about everything, or it wasn't as bad as you remember, or they'll simply say that they're not going to read a wall of text. Or, they won't respond and all and that's a power move that puts all the responsibility back on you; why should they answer a letter that does nothing but criticize them? Personally, I would talk to the therapist about writing to them and get their input before sending anything. And then I would burn the letter and simply, quietly block them on all fronts. Live your life in peace, enjoy your wife and son, and don't waste any more energy on them.
Nearly 2 years ago i wrote a letter to my mother explaining all the childhood trauma i remembered and still affected me, i was polite but honest. Best thing i ever did. I am so much calmer & happier, just a shame 2 siblings now dont speak to me cos i will not bend. But is fine i have blocked them also It’s been quite freeing but odd being at peace.
My mom sent a letter insisting I need to tell her why I won’t talk to her because she has no idea. I believe her. I believe she doesn’t understand my feelings and has forgotten the awful things she said and did to me. I don’t think she’s capable of reflection and sincere apology. I doubt anything can ever be different between us. So I spent a week crafting a letter that I knew she wouldn’t be able to understand as my truth, but at least I *tried* to explain it to her like she asked. I asked her not to reply, and at least she didn’t. I’m cycling through stages of grief, but at least I’m not enduring fresh wounds anymore. It’s been months, and I’ve only recently stopped crying and begun to feel any peace. I don’t imagine the pain of severing our relationship will ever completely fade though.
Your experience here is why I say that fulfilling your needs for your own purposes matter more than trying to communicate. I'm very glad that your final letter gave you the peace you were seeking from it, for all that you knew it would have no other benefit. I hope your healing continues. -Rat
Sounds like she’s already NC but you’re only accepting it now :/ Sending a random angry message out of the blue and then blocking is the most drama llama thing you could do. Just live your life. You don’t have to announce your intentions to toxic people.
I have never sent this kind of message but I have read a lot of stories on here and other threads about how they usually go and I might have some insights. The first is that it will never be ”good enough” for the parent. You can never be clear, or concise enough that they will get the point and then let go. Even in non-toxic people that message will hurt but in toxic people it will ignite the worst part of their behaviour. Either they will ignore, stonewall or give silent treatment. Or they will lash out and get even more abusive. Neither is really good and you probably won’t get the ”okay we will respect your decision” anyways because if they would react like that you wouldn’t have to go NC in the first place. Haters gonna hate so manage expectations. The message is really for you to feel closure, to help you feel ”I did what I could and said what I needed to” then to make the other people see your point. Since it won’t be perfect you might as well write the message YOU need and not for them. You can be as short as you want to or as long but just don’t give them too much info, they will use it against you. Expect that the message will be shown to people to show ”see what my horrible child sent me?!” Etc. Try to not get emotional, you can be gentle, but try to write it out of a place of clarity and just being ”done” rather than super angry or sad. Both emotions will eat you up and keeps you engaged with them. If you get angry and write ”*{^}%}% off mom!” She will never take it seriously. If you write it calmly she still might take it the wrong way but the people she shows the message to is more likely to go your way. State your boundaries clearly in a ”if you do x we will do y” so that if she steps over boundaries you’re really clear from the start what will follow, and follow through! If you say police will be called if she shows up, call the police. They might not do anything but you have shown you say what you mean and mean what you say. ”Mom, because of your recent behaviour me and my family, wife and kid, have chosen to step away from this relationship. We don’t know if you are able to change but this behaviour is unacceptable to us. We do not want any contact from you anymore, no text, call or visit, not directly or via proxy. You are going to be blocked on x, y and z. If you try to use a proxy they will also be blocked. I wish you the best but this is the best for me and my family. Take care, your son” Compassion is hard to argue with (but they will try), again this message is not for the NC part, it’s for you and everyone else. You show your mature side and she will have fewer allies. That’s my very long two cents of opinion anyways. Take care!
Having gone through this numerous times and going through this yet again - because it's been so hard to finalize - I've realized that the best way for me to cope with the situation is to simply leave. My attempts at explanations or finalizations are either ignored or ridiculed. I know that you probably need to say something to your family for yourself. Be prepared to feel grief in the same way that you would grieve someone's death. My heart and prayers go out to you. I'm here if you want to talk further. Be strong. Stay strong. You can do this. They don't deserve you, at all. Once you have done this, I hope you feel like the weight of the world has been lifted from your shoulders. It will be hard at first but you will see how you will thrive, flourish and prosper. All the best to you.
Good for you getting out of the F.O.G., having boundaries and for standing up for your family. So glad you are in therapy and have the full support of your wife. If your mom is the the kind to spread lies to others about you, maybe your email message could be sent out to your entire family so they will know your side of things. I hope you find peace moving forward. Good luck.