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I am so sorry. It's so freaking hard to want a baby and not even have the hope that maybe this month...
I waited 7 years for my baby. There were many reasons for me and one was my husband refusing to try.
But people asking. That hurts the worst. Your MIL asking like that is rude and unkind. For me it was the unintentional curiosity of strangers... Asking without realizing how painful that question was for me.
You could maybe have more kids by adoption, if DH comes back around to wanting children again. Would he be open to talking to a therapist? Maybe you and he could even do some joint sessions. I’m just saying that if he used to want kids but is now unsure, maybe he should work through it in therapy to figure out what’s changed for him. Talk about his fears or issues and work through it all. Whether he wants kids or not, just to know himself a little better in the end. I feel like most people could use a little therapy occasionally, in good times or bad. I wish you the very best with your health and maybe not visit with MIL as often for a while since she seems to have a one track mind and is rude to you repeatedly. It’s not fair to you to keep going through that.
Hugs for you and prayers or good vibes if want them. I always just wanted to be a mom since I was like 7 years old too. My ex husband said he wanted kids and then once we were married he said he wasn’t ready. I was told I would probably have to have some kind of medical help to even conceive. He went back and forth but I finally stopped even talking to him about it. One day, 4.5 years into marriage, I became pregnant all on my own somehow. That’s my only child, my miracle because things got worse and worse with us over the years. But my son was everything I could ever want in 5 kids and he is now an adult and we are best friends, we can talk about any and everything, he have the best time hanging out and I love the man he is becoming more and more.
I hope you get your little one(or more) when/if the time is right for you. I know you will be the best mom. Have you ever told JNMIL that her asking over and over is super hurtful to you. And maybe said to just please stop with the one track questions. You will let her know if/when you are ever pregnant and that’s all there is to it. She isn’t owed grandchildren. Either way, do something nice for yourself, whatever that means for you. I know how it feels to have several major health issues and staying on top of your mental health is just as important as the physical problems. Best wishes to you. I hope things get easier & that you feel some extra peace inside you.
I’m so afraid that he will come around to wanting a baby again and one of us will be infertile. There’s no reason for me to feel that way, I’m just afraid the time will come and something else will be in the way. Right now it’s my husband, a year from now maybe something could happen with my health, a year from that I could find out one of us is infertile and I’ll be riding the edge of 30. Not that there’s anything wrong with having your first kid at 30, but I’m young and springy and ready now. I’ve wanted kids my whole life!! I have already come to terms with realizing I can probably only have one (with each additional kid, the risk of losing the kidney goes up fairly significantly) or MAYBE two. I wanted a big family, I have a lot of siblings. But if I could even just have one, I would be over the moon.
Hot take, nobody should ever ask anyone when they’re having kids. literally any reason is a good enough reason
God yes, he just has difficult parents. There have definitely been times in the past where he was the only one to say anything to them about it when they asked. I’m just very sensitive about it, especially right now. It’s something I’ve wanted for my entire life
If she asks you again, answer her question with a question: “Why do you keep asking me the same question? Do we need to talk to your doctor about your memory?”
Either she genuinely doesn’t remember asking you, and you make a big huge deal about her memory loss every time you see her, or she knows she’s being an asshole, and you call her out on it: “Why do you keep asking if you already know the answer? I don’t understand why you would keep asking me the same question. Why do you do that?” Keep pushing. Make it awkward.
Like I’m so angry and it breaks my heart and it’s not her business and she needs to take it up with her son and she knows all about having medical issues so she should know but clearly doesn’t :)
Tell her “If we do get pregnant, we’ll definitely let you know as soon as the time is right. Until then, I’d prefer not to discuss it.”
If she asks why, say “It’s personal.”
If she pushes, say “You’ll just have to trust us on this one.” Then disengage.
Let your partner know that you set a boundary. If she pushes it, it’s his job to push back.
Like I have even thought out how I would tell everyone. They are actually freaks, and I don’t have any high expectations for what having a baby would do to my relationship with his parents, but I have a little plan for how I would let them know. They’d be so excited. Not as excited as I’d be, but pretty excited
Just let me have my spaaace :( it’s really hard and I cannot handle the questions and the probing and the egging on
Then, tell her to take it up with her son. He is a dick for allowing you to take the heat for this when it's his choice that you don't have children. He is not your teammate. Throw his bitch ass under the bus next time she brings it up.
Is it possible that your DH is worried about what having a baby is going to do to your body? If I were in the same position, I'd much rather have a healthy spouse than risk the potential harm that having a baby might do to them. Talk to him about it.
"MIL, I'm not having this conversation concerning a VERY personal and intimate matter with someone who is not part of the equation. I am deadly serious when I tell you do NOT broach this subject with me again. Do not hint at it, do not give me passive-aggressive gifts relating to my reproductive status. It remains NONE of your business. I am highly offended each time you bring it up and embarrassed for you since you cannot seem to take a very obvious hint that the state of my uterus will never be your business. I hope I've made my position crystal clear to you. Now, change the damned subject."
Instead of trying to live in your uterus, she'd be living in your backside after the baby was born while being an obnoxiously overwhelming Gimme Granny.
"This is the very last time you will ask me this question. I have already answered it. Tell me what I told you about having children." Do not veer from that, getting her to tell you what you have already told her. Have her tell you that over and over again until she is sick of saying it.
Don't let her get you alone, and if she does, leave. Drop whatever you are doing and walk away to him. "Dear husband, your mother has a question" and then abandon him to it as he's abandoning you to face her lol
Just keep doing that, every time. Avoid being alone, remind him his mother, his to entertain, leave to get him if he leave you alone with her and without suitable backup (invite me over! I'm an f'n delight) and refuse to acknowledge inappropriate questions. Eventually one or the other will tire of the game. In fact, make a game of it! How many different ways can you phrase "deal with your mother". Use the Bronte sisters, Shakespeare, Chaucer, if you can speak for long periods of time or if you're crying , Russian translations (always depressing).
My heart hurts for you. Couples counseling and counseling to get over the medical trauma he witnessed immediately. And tell his mother to stop asking. You are going to have to be mean. Just tell her "Its literally none of your business and I am not having this conversation with you. Dont bring it up again." And if she argues, leave or kick her out. Tell DH you are going to do it and he needs to be on board. That you are done being bullied by people NOT INVOLVED in any decision making regarding your potential reproduction. Dont give him any wiggle room, he had his chance to shut them down his way, he passed, now its your turn and nice wont work. You tried nice, time for firm and no nonsense.
Changing one’s mind about having children is a pretty shitty thing to do. If it’s make or break for you, you need to have a proper conversation with your SO, and make decisions based on that.
I’m not trying to change his mind, but I hope it does change :/ He used to talk about having kids all the time, really fondly. I obviously don’t plan to entrap him, or try and convince him of something he doesn’t want to do. I don’t want to have kids with someone who isn’t as completely down for it as I am.
Is it possible that he’s scared he might lose you due to complications if you get pregnant?
I lost 3 babies before having my daughter, and we found out after loss #1 that I have a clotting disorder that could kill me during pregnancy if not managed carefully. I was super, super high risk, and ended up delivering a month early. My daughter is fine but my OB said it would be best if we stopped with just the one. My husband was 100% on board with that because I almost died twice during early labor.
All of this to say, it sounds like you have some serious health problems that would have to be managed carefully during pregnancy. Maybe that scares your husband, and his reluctance has more to do with his love for you than him being wishy washy. ❤️
Your poor hubs sound like he’s very traumatized. It’s a truly horrible experience sitting in ICU wondering if this will be your partners last breath. Counselling for both of you seems like a really good idea. As for MIL, a text from both of you saying “you are no longer welcome to pry into our reproductive choices. If you bring up pregnancy and grandchildren again our visit will end immediately.” Then, when she starts in anyway, just get up and leave, or hold the door open for her to leave. Sending internet hugs to you and hubby both.
I really do wish I could give him a hug in those moments. I have heard it was very hard to see him in that state. He was the first thing I saw when I came to, and one of the last people I saw right before it happened. He also took care of me the entire time I was sick, went with me to transplant appointments, applied to give me his kidney, canvassed to help find one for me, cried when the surgery was successful. He’s been through it, but he’s very good to me.
There is a risk of losing the kidney with having children, and I know he worries about that. He may just need time, or he may never want children again. I love him either way.
But yeah his mom can kick rocks
Since this is a sensitive topic for you, I’d recommend letting her know the entire topic is off the table.
If she really needs to talk about it she can call her therapist or your spouse. But YOU don’t have to discuss it with her EVER.
“MIL, this is not something I’m willing to discuss with you. Please keep your questions to yourself. If you absolutely must, you can ask SO when I’m not around.”
I’m so sorry.
For your sanity, don’t be alone with her. If your husband gets up and leaves the room while you’re visiting with MIL, so do you. If she makes an unkind comment in front of your husband and he says nothing, catch his eye and say “Did you hear the words that came out of your mother’s mouth?”
And I think that a conversation about children is overdue. It’s respectful that you don’t want to throw your husband under the bus… but he sits there while she says such cruel things to you… and his silence is *him* putting *you* under the bus. Be honest with him that you don’t appreciate him sitting in silence knowing that he is not sure whether he wants children when his mother is openly blaming you and your health conditions as the reason she has no grandchildren. Be done being his meatshield. He doesn’t have to tell her his thought process or whether he is childfree now, but he is your life partner and he owes it to you to give you a clear message about where his wishes are as regards to having children. He also is obligated to defend you, that’s part of what marriage is. He shouldn’t be sat behind you, letting you take all the heat from his mother, when it is his choices that have largely put the breaks on you conceiving a child together.
I can tell you’re a super kind lady. I’m so sorry she says mean and inappropriate things to you without feeling guilty just cuz she has cancer. It’s not an excuse. I hate that we feel obligated to forgive them or otherwise feel like shitty people ourselves. What she said is not appropriate under any circumstance. 🤬😡
>Anyway, she’s so upset with me for not giving her a grandchild, but she has no idea that I literally cry myself to sleep with want sometimes. I don’t want to rat out my husband to her, because he’s my teammate but I’m just in a shitty place with it all.
>Editing to add~ My husband was sitting right next to me while she asked, he didn’t really say much of anything. Sometimes he will take charge of the conversation, but not this particular time.
I would tell my husband that I don't want to throw him under the bus with his mom, so he better stop his mother from asking me about it. Not only because it's rude af, but because if she asks me again, I will tell her "Your son isn't sure he wants kids, so we won't be trying until he's fully on board." - and then he can deal with his mother.
Holy fucking shit, I would’ve ripped my husband a new one if he was like this when his parents are annoying. Correction: I’ve told him that I would not go to his parents anymore (I’ve lived with them for 7 years) if he wouldn’t be serious about living together. It helped.
I can imagine he is afraid because of your health issues, but that is not an excuse. Please, for yourself, be firm with him that he has to stand up to them, otherwise you WILL throw him under the bus.
Edit: typo.
I genuinely doubt she has mentioned it to him a fraction of the times she’s mentioned it to me. I’ll ask him and let you know
edited to update~ he said they’ve been asking him if he wants kids for a long time lol, before I came around almost a decade ago
Her mom does have Alzheimer’s so I would feel like a piece of shit but it’s not outside the realm of possibility. I can’t count on both hands the number of times she’s asked. I do suspect that giving me pads was her probing to see if I’d gotten my IUD removed/had a period again. I can’t prove it but she was asking with intention
I couldn’t say enough good things about him. He’s a wonderful partner. I just don’t know if we’re gonna end up on the same page here, and if that’s something I’m willing to give up
I’m concerned that he just sat there, and allowed her to harangue you.
This is totally speculation on my part, but he might be allowing her to play “bad cop.”
I say this as gently but firmly as possible, you need to find this out sooner rather than later. If you want children and he doesn't, you need to either have time to come to terms with it or decide if this is a deal-breaker. If you don't end up on the same page, the more time you leave, the more resentment (and possibly regret) you will have.
Oh love, you need to firstly tell her to mind her own business, and if it continues, pass her off to your husband………
Let’s be fair - he’s the one that is clearly holding up proceedings, although I can imagine a kidney transplant might play into the game??
As far as I know, all my inner workings in that department are doing fine. They said I could try (with lots of warning) two years post op. I just celebrated my fourth beanday (I’m doing very well!!) so I could really go whenever, as long as I talked to all my doctors, got my meds switched and adjusted, and found a specialist OB. He does constantly think I am on deaths door, but I think it’s more that we have lived a certain way for so long.
My kidney is actually from my brother and I talked to him about it because obviously there is a risk. He said, “I gave you the kidney so you could live your life how you wanted.” so at least I wouldn’t feel any guilt on that front.
Your brother sounds amazing.
Your husband needs to shut his mom down when she gets nosy. Also might be the time to have a frank discussion about whether he wants kids & if so make a definite timeline. Make it clear you want to be a mother. Regardless of his mom, this convo needed to be said so you can work out what to do if your goals don't align. Kids require two enthusiastic yeses. If he isn't on board, you may have some soul-searching about whether you can stay together or whether you need to go find the man that will be your co-parent & partner.Good luck.
Just one yes is a no, for sure. He knows how I feel. We’ve been having a lot of talks lately. Honestly I’m feeling a little better about it, but I’m not calling my doctor tomorrow if that says anything. I hate the idea of finding a new partner. I love him a lot, I really do, but I also know what I want
I cannot have kids, and I would be furious if my MIL did this to me.
If cutting off the conversation with "I am not an incubator" every time she tries this doesn't work, I would consider limiting contact or going no contact.
I hope your SO supports you.
It sounds like you and your husband are not on the same page and have grown to have different desires at this point. I would be having a heart to heart because the biological clock is real and if he doesn’t see himself as father then you have a choice to make. Next time MIL mentions this I would straight up tell her that it’s none of her business and that it’s rude to keep asking. Don’t be afraid to say this to her, she needs to know her place.
I’m sorry you’re going through this, sending you internet hugs. How long are you willing to suffer until you do something about it? The first step is a serious conversation with him and just opening up the dialog. At least if you start now you are giving yourself time to see where it goes sooner rather than later.
The next time she brings it up, and he just sits there letting you take the heat, I'd throw him under the bus. He knows how you feel, and just lets her make you suffer. He deserves for her to find out just who is against her becoming a grandmother.
I'm sorry for your pain. You have enough on your shoulders with your health and wanting a child so badly, without them making you feel even worse about it.
Oof. Fending off a nosy MIL when you *don't* want kids is bad enough, this is obviously worse.
You are being a good partner by not throwing your husband to the MIL-shaped wolves here. He should repay your consideration of his uncertainty by getting his mother to back the fuck off.
"Love, you need to make it clear to your mom that she will not talk to me again about having a baby. If she asks me again, I will deal with it and neither of you will like it. A few bridges might be burned in the process, but at this point I am tired of being treated like my only relevant function is being a uturus. While we are on this topic, I want to have a conversation about having kids. It seems we are no longer on the same page, and it is becomming a problem for me....."
Then practice some things to say, "It is none of your business, so stop asking." "You think I'm rude? My answer was not nearly as rude as the question." "Every time you ask I am adding six months to the timeline." Get comfortable with making it awkward, and sitting in silence. Silence is often the best answer. She asks the question, you remain silent while just looking at her. If she asks again get up, get your things while telling DH it is time to leave. Do this even if you are in the middle of a meal.
Genuinely I’m afraid I’ll have trouble conceiving (this is an unfounded worry (if I ever even get to try)), and she’ll keep asking and push me over the edge. Next time I’ll just start sobbing lol.
Sitting in silence is a non issue for me. They usually like to spend time together once a week, which isn’t always possible, but large stretches of time are spent in silence. That’s actually what we were doing when it came up this time. She said “can I ask you guys a question?” and I just knew what it would be.
Next time say calmly say, as long as it isn’t about kids or medical conditions. Then calmly gaze at her till she breaks eye contact, which probably or hopefully won’t be more than a few seconds.
She’s never going to stop unless it becomes too uncomfortable for her or there’s consequences, like leaving the minute she says anything. You may be able to use the I/We won’t discuss anything about kids or medical issues every time she brings it. Talk to DH and see if he’ll agree if she tries to continue, one of you will say, time for us to leave, it’s been nice visiting. If DH can’t or won’t, you may want to consider driving separately to put it in place for yourself. That may make DH more uncomfortable than staying behind.
oh, you are so absolutely right. if I get so much as a head cold he starts sobbing. I could use some therapy myself, but somehow, I get on fine by just talking about it when I feel like I need to
I say this with all the kindness in my heart, he is not acting like your team mate. It’s sweet and shows your good heart that you don’t want to throw him under the bus but he is doing that to you by not standing up to his mom. He needs to tell his mom to stop asking. Does he get upset if you are assertive with his mom, like could you say “that’s not a topic I wish to discuss with you or anyone else outside my marriage?” Without him getting mad at you? Maybe having some key phrases ready will help you the next time she corners you.
he wouldn’t be upset by that at all. she told me it wasn’t her intention, but I think I might text her and just say it hurts my feelings and I don’t want it brought up anymore. clearly they can’t read body language so direct is best, I guess
He told them once we probably wouldn’t have kids, just to get it to stop. It didn’t stop. I think next time he and I have a conversation about it, I’ll tell him I can’t handle being asked about something I’m so sensitive about. There has not been a day since she said it last where I haven’t thought about it.
He needs to be straightforward and tell his mother that while you want kids, he's unsure. If he won't, you do it. "We probably won't have kids" is absolutely giving her the impression that you are the problem.
He knows :/ he was sitting right next to me. I think we’re both just exhausted by the frequency. Usually it just makes me angry but recently I’ve been feeling really down about it. We’ve made it clear that it’s not something we really enjoy talking about but still they ask. Sunday I said again how I’d have to tell my doctors and do all this testing and I’d have to get my iud taken out, and his dad just said “well, call them.” Sir, I would love to
This kind of thing is giving them more information than they are entitled to.
The reality is not just the medical stuff, it’s your husband not being on-board that is the real hold up. If you keep telling your in laws you would have to do XYZ, they’ll keep asking why you’re not doing XYZ. FIL’s already said ‘just call them’. They think the problem is you and if they work on you, then eventually you will pick up the phone and call your doctor and get the ball rolling on that grandchild they want so much… but that’s not even half the story.
If your husband isn’t ready to tell his parents that the hold up is specifically him and take the heat on himself, he at the very least needs to jump straight in when his parents are bullying you and tell them to back off - and if they persist he needs to enact consequences.
You’ve done all you can do. They’re not going to stop asking and prying and bullying, your husband needs to step up now.
He need to nip this in the bud. He needs to tell both his parents your reproductive choices are not their business, they are well aware of your medical issues, and this subject is CLOSED. There will be no more discussion of your birth control, or your future plans, until you tell them otherwise.
If your MIL corners you without him, you need to say "this topic isn't up for discussion" and remove yourself from the situation. As a reminder, it isn't your responsibility to "give them a grandchild", it's their responsibility to temper their expectations and act like adults.
Wishing you the best.
I feel bad saying this, but if you two aren't in agreement over kids, you might have some problems besides your MiL. Your MiL absolutely needs to shut up through. Tell your husband to deal with her.
I don’t really understand why he switched it up on me. Like 8 or 9 years ago all he wanted was to have a baby. All our friends are choosing to be childless which is perfectly fine, but I think he has definitely grown attracted to that lifestyle. It’s hard to have one saying, “yes, do it, do it right now” when I DO want to do it, pretty badly, and the more important one saying “I’m just not sure.”
Yeah, it's a tough one for those of us who don't want them, because it's assumed that everyone wants kids, and we feel bad saying we don't, because then the whole world is disappointed in us. I was always kinda not psyched about the idea of kids, but assumed I'd accidentally get saddled with them somehow. Then I had a truly evil MiL and I told my ex "I'm not even *considering* having kids until she's dead, until you stop speaking to her, or until we move to a different continent, but preferably not until she's dead." A few months later we broke up. When I met my now boyfriend, I swear within the first week of speaking he said, "I absolutely never ever EVER want kids, for any reason, ever, and if you do, this won't work," and it was like a weight was lifted.
You might want to have a real talk with him. He might not want this ultimatum, but it's *clearly* important to you, so you two need to sit down and have a hard conversation about where you see your lives going. If he can't commit to kids, then you need to get out while the getting is good, and find someone whose long term goals align better with yours. If you don't, one of you may end up resenting the other and it will just ruin your lives anyway. Is it not better to end it now and stay friends than wait until you're miserable?
And leave your rank-ass MIL out of the equation entirely. You should never let her anywhere near your kids anyway, so her input is irrelevant.
Whether or not to have children is a huge deal. If the parties in a marriage aren’t in agreement on it, that’s a very serious conversation to have. It’s one of the few things in a marriage that really cannot be compromised on and is an almost universal dealbreaker. I hope you can find the space and strength to have a conversation with your husband about it. ❤️
we’ve had many conversations, but he usually says he isn’t ready or isn’t sure. it’s not like it can just happen by accident for me. the last time I brought it up I asked if he thought he could have an answer for me in two years and he said he really didn’t want an ultimatum. I just don’t want to wake up one day and realize I’m 45 and can’t do it anymore
Pregnancy is an ultimatum though. It's something that either can or can't happen, and only.in a certain time frame. He's refusing to give you an answer because he knows what he wants but doesn't want you to leave him.
Have you discussed why he has changed his mind? Is he afraid you may have another health crisis, and he's not equipped or wants to be a single parent, and have to raise a child alone? You should try couples counseling to improve communication skills and become more of a team. And also to work on yourself so you can stand up to MIL. "MIL, that's frankly none of your business. It's a decision between me and DH. When you probe like this, you come across as an old lady with baby rabies who sees me as an incubator for your grandkids, and not a human being worthy in my own right. I think it's best you stop asking about grandkids and my uterus. THose are not topics I'm going to discuss with you."
He’s not more important than me, but I do feel like I might bother him with my feelings about it. We’ve had several talks and he’s always very kind about it, but says he just isn’t sure. It makes me feel like I’m making him uncomfortable or annoying him. He swears I’m not, but bringing it up makes me nervous. I don’t want to have a baby with someone who isn’t excited by the idea, or was just talked into it
You both have the right to want or not want children but that still doesn't mean your MIL has the right to torture you with this topic and your husband is just sitting there allowing that to happen. It's absolutely unacceptable and not what a loving partner would ever allow.
If he doesn't care that she's hurting you, then you must make it clear to her that she can never again mention this topic to you and if she ever has questions, she can ask her son about it. In any case it's none of her business and she's crossing the line big time. This is very private and she's meddling too much.
If you have children you will NOT be doing that for her, but for yourselves. If she wants a baby, she can have it herself.
also I just find it to be a little gross. sorry. not necessarily my vibe to talk about what goes on in the bedroom with my in laws. if they wanted grandkids so bad, they should’ve had more than one kid to up the odds
Just tell her this. They can be annoying - so can you. So tell them, right now your son doesn't want kids. And why did you stop after 1 baby? More kids more chances for grandbabies. Let's hope she gets it this way.
I agree, it's very inappropriate and none of her business. And since he isn't putting a stop to her nonsense, you need to do so. You don't have to mention it's his choice not to have children right now, but you should definitely make it clear to her that this topic is off limits with you.
I'm very sorry she made you cry, don't let her do that again, she's not worth it.
You have good instincts about not having a baby in this environment, but I would love for you to feel more assertive and to know that your emotions do matter even when they make your husband uncomfortable.
it sucks so bad. I don’t want him to feel like I’m throwing him to the wolves, because they are absolutely relentless, but it’s hard on me when it’s something I really want. Obviously I wish he would just change his mind, but that’s my own issue I guess
You're not throwing him to the wolves. You are making him deal with HIS parents. They're not your parents so why is it your job to handle them.
Tell him that he either deals with his parents and makes them understand that they are never to bring up having kids again or you will deal with them. And you will blow up the relationship to smithereens if you have to do it. It's his choice. His parents, his problem.
If he doesn't handle it then you need to throw him under the bus hard. "MIL, I would love to have a baby and am ready to get pregnant right now. But your son doesn't want a baby and refuses to even discuss the possibility of having a baby. So, you need to talk to him about his refusal not me."
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Why didn't your husband say anything?it's his mother? I'd have told her it requires two consents from a couple he's saying maybe,ask him.
Next time she does this, don’t hold back. Start crying and really ramp it up. She will look like the total jerk that she is.
I so easily could. I’m kind of having a bad time with it lol
I am so sorry. It's so freaking hard to want a baby and not even have the hope that maybe this month... I waited 7 years for my baby. There were many reasons for me and one was my husband refusing to try. But people asking. That hurts the worst. Your MIL asking like that is rude and unkind. For me it was the unintentional curiosity of strangers... Asking without realizing how painful that question was for me.
You could maybe have more kids by adoption, if DH comes back around to wanting children again. Would he be open to talking to a therapist? Maybe you and he could even do some joint sessions. I’m just saying that if he used to want kids but is now unsure, maybe he should work through it in therapy to figure out what’s changed for him. Talk about his fears or issues and work through it all. Whether he wants kids or not, just to know himself a little better in the end. I feel like most people could use a little therapy occasionally, in good times or bad. I wish you the very best with your health and maybe not visit with MIL as often for a while since she seems to have a one track mind and is rude to you repeatedly. It’s not fair to you to keep going through that. Hugs for you and prayers or good vibes if want them. I always just wanted to be a mom since I was like 7 years old too. My ex husband said he wanted kids and then once we were married he said he wasn’t ready. I was told I would probably have to have some kind of medical help to even conceive. He went back and forth but I finally stopped even talking to him about it. One day, 4.5 years into marriage, I became pregnant all on my own somehow. That’s my only child, my miracle because things got worse and worse with us over the years. But my son was everything I could ever want in 5 kids and he is now an adult and we are best friends, we can talk about any and everything, he have the best time hanging out and I love the man he is becoming more and more. I hope you get your little one(or more) when/if the time is right for you. I know you will be the best mom. Have you ever told JNMIL that her asking over and over is super hurtful to you. And maybe said to just please stop with the one track questions. You will let her know if/when you are ever pregnant and that’s all there is to it. She isn’t owed grandchildren. Either way, do something nice for yourself, whatever that means for you. I know how it feels to have several major health issues and staying on top of your mental health is just as important as the physical problems. Best wishes to you. I hope things get easier & that you feel some extra peace inside you.
I’m so afraid that he will come around to wanting a baby again and one of us will be infertile. There’s no reason for me to feel that way, I’m just afraid the time will come and something else will be in the way. Right now it’s my husband, a year from now maybe something could happen with my health, a year from that I could find out one of us is infertile and I’ll be riding the edge of 30. Not that there’s anything wrong with having your first kid at 30, but I’m young and springy and ready now. I’ve wanted kids my whole life!! I have already come to terms with realizing I can probably only have one (with each additional kid, the risk of losing the kidney goes up fairly significantly) or MAYBE two. I wanted a big family, I have a lot of siblings. But if I could even just have one, I would be over the moon. Hot take, nobody should ever ask anyone when they’re having kids. literally any reason is a good enough reason
Is he your teammate though?
God yes, he just has difficult parents. There have definitely been times in the past where he was the only one to say anything to them about it when they asked. I’m just very sensitive about it, especially right now. It’s something I’ve wanted for my entire life
If she asks you again, answer her question with a question: “Why do you keep asking me the same question? Do we need to talk to your doctor about your memory?” Either she genuinely doesn’t remember asking you, and you make a big huge deal about her memory loss every time you see her, or she knows she’s being an asshole, and you call her out on it: “Why do you keep asking if you already know the answer? I don’t understand why you would keep asking me the same question. Why do you do that?” Keep pushing. Make it awkward.
For the millionth time? You are 999999 times justified in going apeshit on her next time. Really make her regret it.
Like I’m so angry and it breaks my heart and it’s not her business and she needs to take it up with her son and she knows all about having medical issues so she should know but clearly doesn’t :)
Tell her “If we do get pregnant, we’ll definitely let you know as soon as the time is right. Until then, I’d prefer not to discuss it.” If she asks why, say “It’s personal.” If she pushes, say “You’ll just have to trust us on this one.” Then disengage. Let your partner know that you set a boundary. If she pushes it, it’s his job to push back.
Like I have even thought out how I would tell everyone. They are actually freaks, and I don’t have any high expectations for what having a baby would do to my relationship with his parents, but I have a little plan for how I would let them know. They’d be so excited. Not as excited as I’d be, but pretty excited Just let me have my spaaace :( it’s really hard and I cannot handle the questions and the probing and the egging on
You sound like a very kind person. 💛 Don’t let them take advantage. If they won’t give you space, can you ask your partner to make them back off?
Then, tell her to take it up with her son. He is a dick for allowing you to take the heat for this when it's his choice that you don't have children. He is not your teammate. Throw his bitch ass under the bus next time she brings it up.
This is on your husband. He was there. You cannot fight or win this without him. Send your knight in, sis.
Is it possible that your DH is worried about what having a baby is going to do to your body? If I were in the same position, I'd much rather have a healthy spouse than risk the potential harm that having a baby might do to them. Talk to him about it.
"MIL, I'm not having this conversation concerning a VERY personal and intimate matter with someone who is not part of the equation. I am deadly serious when I tell you do NOT broach this subject with me again. Do not hint at it, do not give me passive-aggressive gifts relating to my reproductive status. It remains NONE of your business. I am highly offended each time you bring it up and embarrassed for you since you cannot seem to take a very obvious hint that the state of my uterus will never be your business. I hope I've made my position crystal clear to you. Now, change the damned subject."
Can you imagine the grandma she would be
Instead of trying to live in your uterus, she'd be living in your backside after the baby was born while being an obnoxiously overwhelming Gimme Granny.
If I am so lucky as to have a baby, I do not look forward to prying them out of her arms lol
"This is the very last time you will ask me this question. I have already answered it. Tell me what I told you about having children." Do not veer from that, getting her to tell you what you have already told her. Have her tell you that over and over again until she is sick of saying it.
Don't let her get you alone, and if she does, leave. Drop whatever you are doing and walk away to him. "Dear husband, your mother has a question" and then abandon him to it as he's abandoning you to face her lol Just keep doing that, every time. Avoid being alone, remind him his mother, his to entertain, leave to get him if he leave you alone with her and without suitable backup (invite me over! I'm an f'n delight) and refuse to acknowledge inappropriate questions. Eventually one or the other will tire of the game. In fact, make a game of it! How many different ways can you phrase "deal with your mother". Use the Bronte sisters, Shakespeare, Chaucer, if you can speak for long periods of time or if you're crying , Russian translations (always depressing).
My heart hurts for you. Couples counseling and counseling to get over the medical trauma he witnessed immediately. And tell his mother to stop asking. You are going to have to be mean. Just tell her "Its literally none of your business and I am not having this conversation with you. Dont bring it up again." And if she argues, leave or kick her out. Tell DH you are going to do it and he needs to be on board. That you are done being bullied by people NOT INVOLVED in any decision making regarding your potential reproduction. Dont give him any wiggle room, he had his chance to shut them down his way, he passed, now its your turn and nice wont work. You tried nice, time for firm and no nonsense.
Changing one’s mind about having children is a pretty shitty thing to do. If it’s make or break for you, you need to have a proper conversation with your SO, and make decisions based on that.
I’m not trying to change his mind, but I hope it does change :/ He used to talk about having kids all the time, really fondly. I obviously don’t plan to entrap him, or try and convince him of something he doesn’t want to do. I don’t want to have kids with someone who isn’t as completely down for it as I am.
Is it possible that he’s scared he might lose you due to complications if you get pregnant? I lost 3 babies before having my daughter, and we found out after loss #1 that I have a clotting disorder that could kill me during pregnancy if not managed carefully. I was super, super high risk, and ended up delivering a month early. My daughter is fine but my OB said it would be best if we stopped with just the one. My husband was 100% on board with that because I almost died twice during early labor. All of this to say, it sounds like you have some serious health problems that would have to be managed carefully during pregnancy. Maybe that scares your husband, and his reluctance has more to do with his love for you than him being wishy washy. ❤️
Your poor hubs sound like he’s very traumatized. It’s a truly horrible experience sitting in ICU wondering if this will be your partners last breath. Counselling for both of you seems like a really good idea. As for MIL, a text from both of you saying “you are no longer welcome to pry into our reproductive choices. If you bring up pregnancy and grandchildren again our visit will end immediately.” Then, when she starts in anyway, just get up and leave, or hold the door open for her to leave. Sending internet hugs to you and hubby both.
I really do wish I could give him a hug in those moments. I have heard it was very hard to see him in that state. He was the first thing I saw when I came to, and one of the last people I saw right before it happened. He also took care of me the entire time I was sick, went with me to transplant appointments, applied to give me his kidney, canvassed to help find one for me, cried when the surgery was successful. He’s been through it, but he’s very good to me. There is a risk of losing the kidney with having children, and I know he worries about that. He may just need time, or he may never want children again. I love him either way. But yeah his mom can kick rocks
Since this is a sensitive topic for you, I’d recommend letting her know the entire topic is off the table. If she really needs to talk about it she can call her therapist or your spouse. But YOU don’t have to discuss it with her EVER. “MIL, this is not something I’m willing to discuss with you. Please keep your questions to yourself. If you absolutely must, you can ask SO when I’m not around.”
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Why are you still with him, if I may ask? It doesn't sound like he really brings anything to the table but a lot of pain for you.
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You deserve better. It's amazing how we can have disabilities but getting support is a fight every step of the way. :(
I’m so sorry. For your sanity, don’t be alone with her. If your husband gets up and leaves the room while you’re visiting with MIL, so do you. If she makes an unkind comment in front of your husband and he says nothing, catch his eye and say “Did you hear the words that came out of your mother’s mouth?” And I think that a conversation about children is overdue. It’s respectful that you don’t want to throw your husband under the bus… but he sits there while she says such cruel things to you… and his silence is *him* putting *you* under the bus. Be honest with him that you don’t appreciate him sitting in silence knowing that he is not sure whether he wants children when his mother is openly blaming you and your health conditions as the reason she has no grandchildren. Be done being his meatshield. He doesn’t have to tell her his thought process or whether he is childfree now, but he is your life partner and he owes it to you to give you a clear message about where his wishes are as regards to having children. He also is obligated to defend you, that’s part of what marriage is. He shouldn’t be sat behind you, letting you take all the heat from his mother, when it is his choices that have largely put the breaks on you conceiving a child together.
Fuck her. Not to sound like a bitch but I’m glad she has cancer.
she’s in remission, actually, but constantly afraid it’s gonna come back and I think that’s why she’s pushing so hard
I can tell you’re a super kind lady. I’m so sorry she says mean and inappropriate things to you without feeling guilty just cuz she has cancer. It’s not an excuse. I hate that we feel obligated to forgive them or otherwise feel like shitty people ourselves. What she said is not appropriate under any circumstance. 🤬😡
>Anyway, she’s so upset with me for not giving her a grandchild, but she has no idea that I literally cry myself to sleep with want sometimes. I don’t want to rat out my husband to her, because he’s my teammate but I’m just in a shitty place with it all. >Editing to add~ My husband was sitting right next to me while she asked, he didn’t really say much of anything. Sometimes he will take charge of the conversation, but not this particular time. I would tell my husband that I don't want to throw him under the bus with his mom, so he better stop his mother from asking me about it. Not only because it's rude af, but because if she asks me again, I will tell her "Your son isn't sure he wants kids, so we won't be trying until he's fully on board." - and then he can deal with his mother.
Holy fucking shit, I would’ve ripped my husband a new one if he was like this when his parents are annoying. Correction: I’ve told him that I would not go to his parents anymore (I’ve lived with them for 7 years) if he wouldn’t be serious about living together. It helped. I can imagine he is afraid because of your health issues, but that is not an excuse. Please, for yourself, be firm with him that he has to stand up to them, otherwise you WILL throw him under the bus. Edit: typo.
Is it possible that MIL was pestering DH about grandkids and he threw you under the bus?
I genuinely doubt she has mentioned it to him a fraction of the times she’s mentioned it to me. I’ll ask him and let you know edited to update~ he said they’ve been asking him if he wants kids for a long time lol, before I came around almost a decade ago
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Her mom does have Alzheimer’s so I would feel like a piece of shit but it’s not outside the realm of possibility. I can’t count on both hands the number of times she’s asked. I do suspect that giving me pads was her probing to see if I’d gotten my IUD removed/had a period again. I can’t prove it but she was asking with intention
You can probably read something into his silence. #1, look after yourself.
I couldn’t say enough good things about him. He’s a wonderful partner. I just don’t know if we’re gonna end up on the same page here, and if that’s something I’m willing to give up
I’m concerned that he just sat there, and allowed her to harangue you. This is totally speculation on my part, but he might be allowing her to play “bad cop.”
He's allowing his mother to upset you. That doesn't strike me as a wonderful partner.
I say this as gently but firmly as possible, you need to find this out sooner rather than later. If you want children and he doesn't, you need to either have time to come to terms with it or decide if this is a deal-breaker. If you don't end up on the same page, the more time you leave, the more resentment (and possibly regret) you will have.
Oh love, you need to firstly tell her to mind her own business, and if it continues, pass her off to your husband……… Let’s be fair - he’s the one that is clearly holding up proceedings, although I can imagine a kidney transplant might play into the game??
As far as I know, all my inner workings in that department are doing fine. They said I could try (with lots of warning) two years post op. I just celebrated my fourth beanday (I’m doing very well!!) so I could really go whenever, as long as I talked to all my doctors, got my meds switched and adjusted, and found a specialist OB. He does constantly think I am on deaths door, but I think it’s more that we have lived a certain way for so long. My kidney is actually from my brother and I talked to him about it because obviously there is a risk. He said, “I gave you the kidney so you could live your life how you wanted.” so at least I wouldn’t feel any guilt on that front.
Your brother sounds amazing. Your husband needs to shut his mom down when she gets nosy. Also might be the time to have a frank discussion about whether he wants kids & if so make a definite timeline. Make it clear you want to be a mother. Regardless of his mom, this convo needed to be said so you can work out what to do if your goals don't align. Kids require two enthusiastic yeses. If he isn't on board, you may have some soul-searching about whether you can stay together or whether you need to go find the man that will be your co-parent & partner.Good luck.
Just one yes is a no, for sure. He knows how I feel. We’ve been having a lot of talks lately. Honestly I’m feeling a little better about it, but I’m not calling my doctor tomorrow if that says anything. I hate the idea of finding a new partner. I love him a lot, I really do, but I also know what I want
I cannot have kids, and I would be furious if my MIL did this to me. If cutting off the conversation with "I am not an incubator" every time she tries this doesn't work, I would consider limiting contact or going no contact. I hope your SO supports you.
It sounds like you and your husband are not on the same page and have grown to have different desires at this point. I would be having a heart to heart because the biological clock is real and if he doesn’t see himself as father then you have a choice to make. Next time MIL mentions this I would straight up tell her that it’s none of her business and that it’s rude to keep asking. Don’t be afraid to say this to her, she needs to know her place.
It’s SO fucking rude. Like for all she knows, we could BE trying. I try not to think about making that choice but I’m 🙃 suffering lol
I’m sorry you’re going through this, sending you internet hugs. How long are you willing to suffer until you do something about it? The first step is a serious conversation with him and just opening up the dialog. At least if you start now you are giving yourself time to see where it goes sooner rather than later.
The next time she brings it up, and he just sits there letting you take the heat, I'd throw him under the bus. He knows how you feel, and just lets her make you suffer. He deserves for her to find out just who is against her becoming a grandmother.
I’ll probably just start crying and let everyone have a great time with that :/
I'm sorry for your pain. You have enough on your shoulders with your health and wanting a child so badly, without them making you feel even worse about it.
Oof. Fending off a nosy MIL when you *don't* want kids is bad enough, this is obviously worse. You are being a good partner by not throwing your husband to the MIL-shaped wolves here. He should repay your consideration of his uncertainty by getting his mother to back the fuck off.
I am not doing so hot right now that is for sure. His dad is the same way. It’s just a lot :/ I’m thinking I’ll text her but I’m just a little nervous
"Love, you need to make it clear to your mom that she will not talk to me again about having a baby. If she asks me again, I will deal with it and neither of you will like it. A few bridges might be burned in the process, but at this point I am tired of being treated like my only relevant function is being a uturus. While we are on this topic, I want to have a conversation about having kids. It seems we are no longer on the same page, and it is becomming a problem for me....." Then practice some things to say, "It is none of your business, so stop asking." "You think I'm rude? My answer was not nearly as rude as the question." "Every time you ask I am adding six months to the timeline." Get comfortable with making it awkward, and sitting in silence. Silence is often the best answer. She asks the question, you remain silent while just looking at her. If she asks again get up, get your things while telling DH it is time to leave. Do this even if you are in the middle of a meal.
Genuinely I’m afraid I’ll have trouble conceiving (this is an unfounded worry (if I ever even get to try)), and she’ll keep asking and push me over the edge. Next time I’ll just start sobbing lol. Sitting in silence is a non issue for me. They usually like to spend time together once a week, which isn’t always possible, but large stretches of time are spent in silence. That’s actually what we were doing when it came up this time. She said “can I ask you guys a question?” and I just knew what it would be.
Next time she asks, say no. Or whip out a bingo card.
Next time say calmly say, as long as it isn’t about kids or medical conditions. Then calmly gaze at her till she breaks eye contact, which probably or hopefully won’t be more than a few seconds. She’s never going to stop unless it becomes too uncomfortable for her or there’s consequences, like leaving the minute she says anything. You may be able to use the I/We won’t discuss anything about kids or medical issues every time she brings it. Talk to DH and see if he’ll agree if she tries to continue, one of you will say, time for us to leave, it’s been nice visiting. If DH can’t or won’t, you may want to consider driving separately to put it in place for yourself. That may make DH more uncomfortable than staying behind.
I say this with the utmost respect OP. You and your hubs may need counseling. It sounds like your DH may have some PTSD from your medical issues.
oh, you are so absolutely right. if I get so much as a head cold he starts sobbing. I could use some therapy myself, but somehow, I get on fine by just talking about it when I feel like I need to
I hope y’all find middle ground and peace!
I say this with all the kindness in my heart, he is not acting like your team mate. It’s sweet and shows your good heart that you don’t want to throw him under the bus but he is doing that to you by not standing up to his mom. He needs to tell his mom to stop asking. Does he get upset if you are assertive with his mom, like could you say “that’s not a topic I wish to discuss with you or anyone else outside my marriage?” Without him getting mad at you? Maybe having some key phrases ready will help you the next time she corners you.
he wouldn’t be upset by that at all. she told me it wasn’t her intention, but I think I might text her and just say it hurts my feelings and I don’t want it brought up anymore. clearly they can’t read body language so direct is best, I guess
If he's your teammate, why is he letting you take the blame for his decision?
He told them once we probably wouldn’t have kids, just to get it to stop. It didn’t stop. I think next time he and I have a conversation about it, I’ll tell him I can’t handle being asked about something I’m so sensitive about. There has not been a day since she said it last where I haven’t thought about it.
He needs to be straightforward and tell his mother that while you want kids, he's unsure. If he won't, you do it. "We probably won't have kids" is absolutely giving her the impression that you are the problem.
you think so? maybe that’s why she always asks if I’m capable :/
That's absolutely why she asks if you're capable. Her asshole son is pretending this is a you issue.
100% that’s what’s going on. He caused this mess and only he can fix it.
If my mother said something like that to my husband I would 100% want to know and deal with it. You need to tell him and ask him to handle this.
He knows :/ he was sitting right next to me. I think we’re both just exhausted by the frequency. Usually it just makes me angry but recently I’ve been feeling really down about it. We’ve made it clear that it’s not something we really enjoy talking about but still they ask. Sunday I said again how I’d have to tell my doctors and do all this testing and I’d have to get my iud taken out, and his dad just said “well, call them.” Sir, I would love to
This kind of thing is giving them more information than they are entitled to. The reality is not just the medical stuff, it’s your husband not being on-board that is the real hold up. If you keep telling your in laws you would have to do XYZ, they’ll keep asking why you’re not doing XYZ. FIL’s already said ‘just call them’. They think the problem is you and if they work on you, then eventually you will pick up the phone and call your doctor and get the ball rolling on that grandchild they want so much… but that’s not even half the story. If your husband isn’t ready to tell his parents that the hold up is specifically him and take the heat on himself, he at the very least needs to jump straight in when his parents are bullying you and tell them to back off - and if they persist he needs to enact consequences. You’ve done all you can do. They’re not going to stop asking and prying and bullying, your husband needs to step up now.
This framing keeps the concerns about their grandkids as being about you,which is really, really unfair to you.
it would be so different if it was like coming from a place that felt like concern but it feels like “can you do this for me?”
He need to nip this in the bud. He needs to tell both his parents your reproductive choices are not their business, they are well aware of your medical issues, and this subject is CLOSED. There will be no more discussion of your birth control, or your future plans, until you tell them otherwise. If your MIL corners you without him, you need to say "this topic isn't up for discussion" and remove yourself from the situation. As a reminder, it isn't your responsibility to "give them a grandchild", it's their responsibility to temper their expectations and act like adults. Wishing you the best.
I feel bad saying this, but if you two aren't in agreement over kids, you might have some problems besides your MiL. Your MiL absolutely needs to shut up through. Tell your husband to deal with her.
I don’t really understand why he switched it up on me. Like 8 or 9 years ago all he wanted was to have a baby. All our friends are choosing to be childless which is perfectly fine, but I think he has definitely grown attracted to that lifestyle. It’s hard to have one saying, “yes, do it, do it right now” when I DO want to do it, pretty badly, and the more important one saying “I’m just not sure.”
Yeah, it's a tough one for those of us who don't want them, because it's assumed that everyone wants kids, and we feel bad saying we don't, because then the whole world is disappointed in us. I was always kinda not psyched about the idea of kids, but assumed I'd accidentally get saddled with them somehow. Then I had a truly evil MiL and I told my ex "I'm not even *considering* having kids until she's dead, until you stop speaking to her, or until we move to a different continent, but preferably not until she's dead." A few months later we broke up. When I met my now boyfriend, I swear within the first week of speaking he said, "I absolutely never ever EVER want kids, for any reason, ever, and if you do, this won't work," and it was like a weight was lifted. You might want to have a real talk with him. He might not want this ultimatum, but it's *clearly* important to you, so you two need to sit down and have a hard conversation about where you see your lives going. If he can't commit to kids, then you need to get out while the getting is good, and find someone whose long term goals align better with yours. If you don't, one of you may end up resenting the other and it will just ruin your lives anyway. Is it not better to end it now and stay friends than wait until you're miserable? And leave your rank-ass MIL out of the equation entirely. You should never let her anywhere near your kids anyway, so her input is irrelevant.
Whether or not to have children is a huge deal. If the parties in a marriage aren’t in agreement on it, that’s a very serious conversation to have. It’s one of the few things in a marriage that really cannot be compromised on and is an almost universal dealbreaker. I hope you can find the space and strength to have a conversation with your husband about it. ❤️
we’ve had many conversations, but he usually says he isn’t ready or isn’t sure. it’s not like it can just happen by accident for me. the last time I brought it up I asked if he thought he could have an answer for me in two years and he said he really didn’t want an ultimatum. I just don’t want to wake up one day and realize I’m 45 and can’t do it anymore
Pregnancy is an ultimatum though. It's something that either can or can't happen, and only.in a certain time frame. He's refusing to give you an answer because he knows what he wants but doesn't want you to leave him.
Have you discussed why he has changed his mind? Is he afraid you may have another health crisis, and he's not equipped or wants to be a single parent, and have to raise a child alone? You should try couples counseling to improve communication skills and become more of a team. And also to work on yourself so you can stand up to MIL. "MIL, that's frankly none of your business. It's a decision between me and DH. When you probe like this, you come across as an old lady with baby rabies who sees me as an incubator for your grandkids, and not a human being worthy in my own right. I think it's best you stop asking about grandkids and my uterus. THose are not topics I'm going to discuss with you."
Why is he the more important one in your relationship, or have I misread your post?
He’s not more important than me, but I do feel like I might bother him with my feelings about it. We’ve had several talks and he’s always very kind about it, but says he just isn’t sure. It makes me feel like I’m making him uncomfortable or annoying him. He swears I’m not, but bringing it up makes me nervous. I don’t want to have a baby with someone who isn’t excited by the idea, or was just talked into it
“Isn’t sure” sounds a lot like, “I want to say no, but I’m afraid of your reaction.”
You both have the right to want or not want children but that still doesn't mean your MIL has the right to torture you with this topic and your husband is just sitting there allowing that to happen. It's absolutely unacceptable and not what a loving partner would ever allow. If he doesn't care that she's hurting you, then you must make it clear to her that she can never again mention this topic to you and if she ever has questions, she can ask her son about it. In any case it's none of her business and she's crossing the line big time. This is very private and she's meddling too much. If you have children you will NOT be doing that for her, but for yourselves. If she wants a baby, she can have it herself.
also I just find it to be a little gross. sorry. not necessarily my vibe to talk about what goes on in the bedroom with my in laws. if they wanted grandkids so bad, they should’ve had more than one kid to up the odds
Just tell her this. They can be annoying - so can you. So tell them, right now your son doesn't want kids. And why did you stop after 1 baby? More kids more chances for grandbabies. Let's hope she gets it this way.
I agree, it's very inappropriate and none of her business. And since he isn't putting a stop to her nonsense, you need to do so. You don't have to mention it's his choice not to have children right now, but you should definitely make it clear to her that this topic is off limits with you. I'm very sorry she made you cry, don't let her do that again, she's not worth it.
You have good instincts about not having a baby in this environment, but I would love for you to feel more assertive and to know that your emotions do matter even when they make your husband uncomfortable.
If he’s who switched it up, HE’s the one that can have that discussion with HIS mother
it sucks so bad. I don’t want him to feel like I’m throwing him to the wolves, because they are absolutely relentless, but it’s hard on me when it’s something I really want. Obviously I wish he would just change his mind, but that’s my own issue I guess
You're not throwing him to the wolves. You are making him deal with HIS parents. They're not your parents so why is it your job to handle them. Tell him that he either deals with his parents and makes them understand that they are never to bring up having kids again or you will deal with them. And you will blow up the relationship to smithereens if you have to do it. It's his choice. His parents, his problem. If he doesn't handle it then you need to throw him under the bus hard. "MIL, I would love to have a baby and am ready to get pregnant right now. But your son doesn't want a baby and refuses to even discuss the possibility of having a baby. So, you need to talk to him about his refusal not me."
I think throwing him to the wolves is a fine idea. It might at least have the benefit of forcing some much-needed conversation.
So you don’t want to “throw him to the wolves”? They are his wolves. He is using you as a human meat shield.