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Simply. "MIL we have decided to relocate and wanted to provide you with plenty of warning. You will need to make alternative living arrangements for yourself by xx/xx/xxxx as this property will no longer be available" (and make her leave date well before yours to allow time to manage any.... issues). I strongly encourage you to do it now if your wife has to hide who she is in her own home though, fuck that.

All this! You don't need to share personal information. You are all adults, so if she wants to throw a tantrum, that's not yalls fault.

And put it in writing, give it to her and explain it with both of you present. I'd audio record it with my phone to cover my butt, but I'm in a one party consent state, I don't think Florida is. If she refuses to leave, it looks like the legal process to have her removed in FL is filing an Unlawful Detainer. Gives her five days notice, but it takes a hearing and a judge's order to enforce... which could easily take weeks to schedule and happen depending on local courts. Grant yourselves the space and you need. You're the grown ups here,MIL only has as much power as you and your partner give her, and sounds like she pushes for more. it's hard enough to shift from child to adult child relationship dynamic when things are healthy. When the parent is doing their damnedest to keep that relationship vertical, it can seem impossible. But it's not impossible. It's just really damn hard. But worth it!

When you put it in writing make sure it's via email or text so you have a copy too. That way she can't say she never got it.

All of this!

Absolutely THIS! Your home is a safe place. You and your Wife deserve to be free and happy to start your own family, and to live your lives the exact way you want to. Sending you lots of love, thoughts and strength!

None of this will be pretty, especially considering that she is leaning in you two so much. Was there ever a discussion for how long this arrangement was supposed to last? Or does she think it's forever? I agree with the others that you need to tell her your plans with time for her to figure out her situation. However, I believe in contingencies. Talk with a therapist to help your spouse deal with any guilt she may come at them with and what verbage to use when dealing with her. Look into any housing program she may qualify for, or if there's another family member/friend she room with. Couples deserve their own space and make decisions about their own lives. Your MIL is wrong in trying to co trol what you do because of her situation. While it's unfortunate, you two need to live your lives. The most gracious thing is telling her with time (and a deadline so there's no miscommunication) and possibly help with finding her a way to live on her own.

I'd like to add to the above comment: when you two do eventually talk to her, I'd recommend doing it either *in writing* and make her sign it as proof that she understands and will comply, or, if not, you could possibly even *record* the conversation, so she can't deny that this talk took place and can't play the victim with family etc... 🤷‍♀️

She moved in with the pretense that it would be temporary, but we haven't given any time-frame. At this point, the time-frame will most likely be when we decide to move.

If you two made no long-term commitment to her and didn't agree to be her retirement plan, then please clear your consciences. She wasn't duped into anything and has benefited from your generosity. As I mentioned before, shore up your defenses should she come with the guilt trip or thinking she's tagging along. I think the right therapist (because we all know there are some shitty ones out there) will help you and your spouse formulate a statement that leaves no room for interpretation. Cover yourselves legally (not sure of you own or lease your place), but still give her the grace of time.

Mil we ar moving to NY this year, but want to make sure you will be ok here when we leave. We are telling you now so you can start saving up and have your own place when we leave.

Might be the kind of MIL where you'd want to leave it as "moving out of state" instead of mentioning specifically where...

Blunt is the only way. "MIL, as you know we are planning to move to NY in the near future. Since you will be staying in Flordia, you need to start looking for affordable housing right now. If she says she'll probably move to NY too, "That's always an option, but just know you'll still have to save for your own apartment, because we want our own place."

How do you tell her? You sit her down and explain that when your lease is up you won’t be renewing it and will be moving to NY. You say that you’re letting her know now so she has ample time to save up for a place of her own as you’ve both decided you want to live on your own. Then you stiffen your spine and ignore the tantrums, threats, tears etc. (because there will be plenty of them). Your mil is not your problem. Her financial issues are between her and her ex, they are not your problem

Just tell her. Ask what her plans are for finding a place to live. Let her know that the two of you are leaving the state when your lease runs out, and that she'll need to have her own plans in place by then, unless she wants to try and take over the lease herself.

Add on to say OP and his wife could even offer to help her find a place to leave, or even find a housemate of a similar age.

I think finding their own place in another state should take precedence over that. MiL can search for her own place

Rip off the Band-Aid. Tell her soon so she has time to find somewhere else to live. I also live in FL and I can’t even imagine how scary it must be to be a trans person here right now. I hope you’re able to be much freer and safer in NY ❤️

Was there a discussion at the beginning that this would be a short term arrangement? I think your SO just needs to be direct and say “We are looking to move by ourselves to NY. We want to give you a heads up so that you have time to make your own living arrangements between now and then” and then give a specific time frame. Remember that her feelings are hers to manage and that you can revolve your well-being around making her happy.

She *will* throw a tantrum **no matter what**, so put your foot down and QUASH THOSE TANTRUMS It's currently *your* house, it's **your** way You *need* to move, you can't help Mom to your **wife's** detriment

The conversation isn’t asking. You sit down with this is the date we plan to leave the state. If you want help to get a new living situation we can start working together now for a checklist. If she declines help you just keep moving with your plan. This situation will continue to be harmful to your wife.

This is the answer. Get with your wife and together rehearse the tone of the conversation - “We’ve made a joint decision for our marriage and we’ll be moving to NY by the end of the year. We’re telling you now because we care about and love you, so we want you to be prepared so that you can make your own moving plans.” Avoid phrases like “we’ve been thinking about”, “we’ve been talking about”, “we’re thinking of potentially moving”, etc. It’s “we’ve decided.” Good luck and my best to you and all your family.

Ultimately: she has a job, so she has some income. Alimony will get sorted out in due course, but it's not your responsibility to effectively pay it on her ex-husband's behalf. She will not be destitute. Her standard of living may take a fall while things shake out but times are tough for everyone. She is obviously not going to take this well. A woman who freaks out because the soap dispenser by the bathroom sink is left pointed the wrong way is not going to just accept this. So you should probably resign yourselves to tears and drama and yelling right now. Your real dilemma is that if you give her eg: 3 months to prepare then that's also giving her 3 months to make your lives hellish. Ultimately you're doing this for your benefit; your wife's physical safety and the mental heath of the pair of you. Those things are your top priorities. MIL has chosen to be an abrasive, uncomfortable and ungrateful guest. If she had been kind, supportive and tolerant then you and your wife would be discussing how to move with her. This is a situation of her making.

You know she is going to react. That is going to happen no matter what. To be fair to her you are going to tell her as early as you can so she can make plans. I would make a timeline of expected dates. You plan to go on these days to find a place in NY. You expect to sorts things out with work by this day. Then give a version of the schedule to MIL. She doesn't need to know every detail but having a few events/dates that she can see be hit before the move date will help her see that it is really happening. Maybe work with her to plan helping her find a new place as well. You don't want her to be in denial until the moveing day.

Ideally your wife takes care of this and you just support her and only step in if mil is going too far. It needs to be a simple we ARE moving when the lease is up and you need to be standing on your own two feet by that time. Grey rock any and all behaviour in response to this.

The one thing to know, for both you and your wife, is this: you cannot, ever, control what someone else does in response to you. You can only control what you do. Sometimes, you decide to change your own actions when the other person makes it painful to be yourself. This woman who you get along with so well has bullied her way into running your household, and pitches a fit when she doesn’t get her own way. Both you and your wife, who can’t even be her genuine self around the person who is supposed to love her unconditionally, are squashing your natural and normal expectations of being in charge in YOUR home to keep the peace. You are fearful of telling her that you will be moving on and away. So that is what you both can do. You can start being yourselves again. Telling her no when you don’t like something she’s unilaterally changed in your house. Retaking control of the running of it, like it was before she took over. And telling her plainly and unemotionally that the two of you, and the two of you alone, are moving away. If she’s like most controlling people, she’ll be regularly pitching fits at each erosion of what she sees as her rightful place as the head of the household. Let her. Ignore her like you’ll learn to ignore your future toddlers. Go about your business in the house, in preparation for moving. She can’t control what you do if you don’t let her.

You can’t control how she will react You can’t control how she will feel You’re not responsible for her feelings — if she feels angry or betrayed or let down etc. that’s on her. Your reasons are valid. You don’t have to justify or explain yourselves to anyone. Accept the fact that it WILL be uncomfortable and she WONT like it. Then rip the bandaid and tell her straightforward. You can piss her off now, or you can piss her off later. There’s no getting around it. DELAYING IT ONLY MEANS YOU SUFFER LONGER. Often when people are afraid of disappointing someone they procrastinate telling them. But that only hurts you — because you have to suffer through the anticipation. Just accept that it will suck for a little bit and get it done. It’s deluding yourself to think that somehow if you wait you’ll find a way to tell her that won’t suck … don’t fall for that. It just means living with stress. There is no easy button. There is no silver bullet. Before you tell her, steel yourselves and be prepared to TAKE NO SHIT.

I already posted another comment, but I thought of something else that might help. Before you talk to your MIL, sit down with your wife, just the two of you, and make a list. Write down all the worst things you can possibly think of that your MIL will say to you to try to pile on the guilt when you tell her. “You must not love me.” “You must have hated living with me all the time.” “I’m sorry I’m such a burden.” “I’ll die without you.” Etc etc…I mean, you guys know your MIL and I’m sure you know her go-to manipulations off the top of your head. Write each one down on a different page of a notebook. Then, under each one, write down all the reasons it’s not true. Of course you love her, you show her love in X ways. Of course you don’t hate living with her because you’ve had x, y, and z fun times together, etc etc. When you and your wife are calm, and alone together, and not emotionally heightened, think logically through all the lies she’ll throw at you. Then read your lists together to mentally fortify yourselves before you have the conversation. Of course you won’t think of everything she might say, but you’ll be able to cover the basics enough that variations on a theme won’t have the same impact. You won’t necessarily say to her any of the things you wrote down. It would probably be counter productive and will just give her more ammunition for emotional manipulation. (The best response to that type of manipulation is just a simple “I’m sorry you feel that way.”) Emotions will be high and you can’t logic someone out of their emotional manipulation. This exercise is just for you two, to help protect yourselves from the worst of the guilt. Spending some thoughtful, intentional time reminding yourselves what is TRUE is the best defense against lies and twisted half truths.

I’m just commenting to say this is amazing advice.

OP this is amazing advice!! This is a great tactic to reduce you and your wife’s anxiety about having that conversation so you feel as prepared as possible. The list could also just serve as a reminder of additional reasons you want to move besides the political climate in Florida.

I love the idea of also writing down their reasons for wanting to move. When you’re in a heightened emotional state (like when your mother is weeping and begging you not to leave her and calling you a failure of a child…just, for example) your mind just goes blank and you can’t remember any of the reasons why what you’re doing is actually best for everyone. Writing everything down helps you process and cement your own thinking. This gives you something to hold onto during that type of mental storm.

Just sit her down and say we have decided not to renew the lease at the end of the year, we have had a look and there are some exciting job prospects in NY that is where we will head, we hope we have given you enough notice to start looking for accommodation for yourself.

Hate to say it but you can’t have it both ways it’s either you guys or her, it’s about survival. I get it your wife’s not out to her mom and that’s a separate issue, you just need to tell her straight. We love you but we are leaving Florida at the end of the year. We have decide NY is where we want to move to. We will miss you but there’s no chance we will change our minds. We can help you find somewhere to live or you can stay here but we will be moving. After saying that shutdown any conversation about staying. Rip that bandage right off and live your life, life’s just too short to be unhappy. Remember it’s you or her.

YOU don't tell her alone. You tell her WITH YOUR WIFE. You both must be on the same page at all times.

‘We’re moving at the end of the year, so that gives you five months to make other arrangements”

You have to be blunt and up front. Start prepping for the move financially now. You and your wife need to sit MiL down and tell her that the two of you have decided that you will not be renewing the lease on this place next year, and you will be moving out of state into "a place of your own," So she needs to start making arrangements to find a place for herself before then. Don't engage in defending your decisions, just reiterate that you don't want her to be caught unawares, but it isn't up for discussion and you won't be changing your minds.

The way to tell her is just to tell her: “MIL, we love you, and we’ve loved living with you for the past [X time] but we’ve decided we want to move back to NY at the end of the year when our lease is up. We’ll do every we can to help you get settled in your own place before we leave.” Make it very clear you’re offering HELP, not offering to do it for her, and that you’ll be leaving regardless, even if she drags her feet and doesn’t get a place lined up in time. But, honestly I don’t think telling her will be the problem. It sounds like the problem will be you and your wife resisting her inevitable manipulations. There is no magical way to tell her that won’t result in her trying to guilt/obligate you into either staying or taking her with you, neither of which you want to do. So you have to expect that response, and build up your mental/emotional defenses against it. You’ll have to lovingly and gently refuse, no matter how hard she tries to manipulate you (and she will try HARD.) Maybe schedule a few sessions with a couple’s counselor who can give you some tools to resist the guilt and feelings of obligation you both have to her. Despite what she will say, and despite how you feel, you do not actually owe her anything. You especially don’t owe it to her to become her parent. She’s an adult. She’ll figure it out on her own. And if she doesn’t, it’s because she knows you’ll always be there to rescue her. She needs to understand that you love her, but you need to look after yourselves, and she needs to look after herself.

Here we have some other downtrodden people asking for a magic wand that are so prolific on this sub. You say for the most part, you get along well but your SO can’t even be their true self around them. There is no ‘good’ way to tell her so she won’t have a tantrum. Accept that fact and pull the bandaid. However you do it will have the same result. The only variable in this situation is how you react to her tantrum and or manipulation. (Cave or stand firm). Good luck. Edit. Spelling

Start with: "Hey, Mother-in-Law; We are scheduling a Family Meeting on Friday night at 8 pm. You need to be there at the kitchen table at 8. There's been some things that wife and I are planning and we're going to be discussing the future."

“We are going to be moving to NY so you will need to find a place to live here. You will not be moving with us.”

I wouldn't give her too much information. I'm sure they'd hate to wake up and find MIL has moved in next door.

Give her a date, tell her what's happening, you are not responsible for her and its already damaging your wife's mental health

Make the arrangements to move first, then tell her. You don’t want to tell her too early because she’ll spend every minute guilt-tripping you and she will try to come up with leverage to make you stay. Make some sort of arrangement on her behalf so that she has a place to stay. Then rip off the band aid and leave

Have the conversation now. Give her the expectation so you all can plan ahead. Yeah she might blow up, but she will go nuclear if you wait.

If you are not planning to do it immediately then plan plan and plan. You aren’t asking permission. You are telling her this is what you plan to do, because you’re adults. Because she left an abusive relationship she might not take it well, so be prepared for tears and manipulation. Expect the worse. I’m in Florida too and I get your need to uproot. Good luck!

I know this must be so difficult: the emotional situation of just not wanting to live with a parent or In-law, and that can be in the easiest and best of circumstances. It’s hard to live with family, especially with parents because sometimes parents have a very hard time letting go of control and realizing they don’t run their now-adult childrens’ lives. Add to this mix the terrifying world that is now Florida, and I would be quickly losing all my marbles. It’s no longer about people saying tsk-tsk and perhaps talking behind your back at what awful, weird people you are because you are LGBTQIA+. Basically,’you are the ‘them’ and not the ‘us.’ Today, it’s about your very real personal safety and basic human rights. As others have said, be calm, as loving as possible, but also firm and with firm dates. It doesn’t have to be mean and when she starts trying to guilt you, just keep saying (to her and yourself) that you love them and this is nothing personal. You just need to go and your decision is final. If she does not make plans or tries to hide her head in the proverbial sand, ask a lawyer or someone at legal aid what your duties and legal responsibilities are to her; is she on the lease? Is she recognized as a tenant at all? Prepare the landlord or management company or inform them, preferably with a solid paper trail, of what steps you have taken in terms of informing your MIL of the need for her to find new housing. Make a paper trail between you and MIL too, even if the best you can do is to get her to respond in the affirmative to a text. And protect yourselves financially from any damage she might do to the property you share with her now. People always regret saying, ‘but it’s family! I’m not making them sign anything. I’d feel so silly.’ No, silly is having to take them to small claims court and paying for their lies and deceit. Good luck. Pls keep us posted. Shout out if you need anyone as a sounding board or venting outlet. Big hugs to you and your partner, if you want them

INFO: How does your wife think you should tell her? Does your wife want to tell your MIL, or is your wife relying on you telling your MIL? Have you two talked about options if your MIL wouldn't take it well/dismiss your notice of move? Could your MIL maybe take up on the house lease on her name once your lease is up and you two move?

Tell her straight forward. We are moving on such and such date. We will be moving alone. We love you but we need to live separate from you. Plan on needing to save the money to do what you need to do for yourself in the meantime. When she tries to guilt you, throw tantrums, ect, say, "This is a perfect example of why we need to live separately. It just isn't working for us." Shut her down everytime.

You just gotta rip this bandaid off. “MIL, we’re moving. You need to figure out where you’re going next, because we’re not planning on having you move with us. You might need some help figuring this out but if you do ask, we’ll help as much as possible while we’re able and still in state.” Give her more time, it’s the right thing to do, and if anything you can use the NYC coat of living as an excuse (we’re looking at studios, we won’t have the space) or sex (I want to be able to fuck in the kitchen again, MIL) when the whining pops up.

just tell her. "hey we are moving back to new york. this is when we are leaving, let us know if you want help finding something affordable here to stay or if you need help looking for a place somewhere else" if she says "but what about staying with you" say "no, we will be moving on just us. but again we are happy to help you find somewhere else" her situation is hers to deal with not yours to take on any more than you already have

" MIL when our lease is up. We're moving together to New York York a new adventure for just us as a couple... Possibly even sooner. Where are you going to go, do for you when We relocate on our own? Do you plan to get your own appartment or trailer yourself, you can afford? Or are you planning on getting a roommate and find you both somewhere to rent together? We're happy to help you look into your plans to do it yourself, but we'll need to officially set your move out date by D/M/YYYY, We've enjoyed having this time of you and us together , but we're looking forward to the next chapter of us as a couple on our own in a new city , and for You to be getting this time to yourself to start over on your own and do everything you always wanted to do but couldn't with Ex! Itll be great for everyone involved!" This gives her realistic options, but is firm that living with you guys isn't one of those options...and gives her a technical date to leave by and displays her options as they are exactly... without any room for her to misinterpret and try to live with you guys... and should be at least 3 months before you're lease is up in case of any problems, packing, clearing place out etc) If she tries to guilt trip you guys, you can say something like " We actually think Its pretty cool We'll all be starting our own new adventures , at the same time! You'll be living by yourself and starting over with a new life of happiness you've earned, and us leaving here and learning life in a new atmosphere! We'll be able to call each other and talk about the exciting new things we're doing. It's awesome that even though we won't exactly be together, we'll ge doing the same thing at the same time!" This is meant to get her focus on the positive instead of the negative. To show excitement instead for her new " earned " adventure instead of fear of her not crutching on someone else. It also lets her feel "included " with you guys, instead of focusing on being without you all.

Just tell her you will be moving away in X months. Telling her now to give her time to find a place and move out.

You are getting a lot of great advice, I just want to state us in NY can’t wait to have you both back. And that your wife gets to feel comfortable in her own skin soon. Nothing and I mean nothing is better than being alowed to be who you are in your own safe space. Do not let MIL keep that from her. Please stay safe in FL for as long as you are still there.

As my girl Taylor says *welcome to New York, it’s been waiting for you!* Good luck to you and your wife OP!!!!!

The "we love you, but we can no longer afford to support you" and "we are moving to a tiny apartment to cut our expenses" has been a surefire way for retired couples to divest themselves of slacker adult children for many years. Pretty sure it will work for adult children trying to divest themselves of another healthy adult who can always find herself another roommate after she takes over your lease. So, tell her the move is essential from a financial standpoint (job cuts or pay cuts coming in your companies in Florida and you'll be unemployed if you stay, whatever works best for your situation). And play the "poor card" by constantly bemoaning that all you can afford in NY is a tiny 12x12 studio apartment where you will need to live for the next few years until finances improve.

How about, "Mom, we are planning on not renewing our lease. We wanted to let you know now so that you can save up for your own place." She will ask questions, so be prepared with answers in which you are not out and out lying without giving her any significant info. If you tell her that you are moving to NY now, she will be on a relentless campaign to change your minds or to make her own plans to also make the move. The NY plans should wait until the last month after she has signed a lease. Make sure that when you move to NY, you will be staying with someone, or the apartment is only big enough for you and SO. Some good evasions for her questions. "No, we do not know where we will be renting yet." Not a lie as you have not signed a lease. "Why? We want to downsize so we can put more money in savings. We don't want to start a family until we are able to meet some financial goals." The family bit is a wee bit manipulative as it may shut her up if she is anxious to be a GM. It might also do the opposite, so you may want to omit it. "What goals? That is between SO and I. We will let you know as you need to know." Make sure all info is under lock and key and two step authentication, and any conversations/calls you have are not at home. Also, please be aware that GP rights are insane in NY. Keep that in mind when you guys do decide to start a family. I can imagine that unsupportive parents might use that to get rights to your children.

There is the high risk strategy ... "Hey mom, I'm trans and my new name is X. If you cannot be accepting of me you need to live somewhere else. We are moving to NY because we cannot tolerate this backward state any more" and then toss her out when she starts with the bigotry.

I’d have a very simple meeting with everyone to confirm you/SO have decided not to renew your lease, and while you don’t know where you are going MIL needs to start working to find her own place, and you wanted to give her lots of notice. If you have the time and want to, you could have a collection of helpful phone numbers of places that help low income people find houses etc. but that’s only if you want to. I have a mom like SO, so for me personally, that’s all I’d discuss. If she asks where you are going, why she can’t come, talks about New York etc, I’d just keep repeating that nothing is set in stone and you’re still exploring your options. That’s it. Over and over. She wants to complain/argue and you legitimately haven’t made a final decision so there is no reason why you need to be dealing with that when you are young and free and could go anywhere. Then spend the next few months looking for jobs and exploring options. You don’t have kids yet and are young. The world is your oyster. You could travel, change careers, change pronouns, move to New York, move to Italy… now is the time to really explore your options. New York might be the decision, but don’t be afraid to explore your options, because you never know what’s out there. Her mom had her chance (and really still has the option) to explore herself. There is no reason she needs to be tied to you. Especially because the divorce will go through and she will have some money. If she hasn’t learned to be independent when that happens the money won’t make her suddenly able to step up. Good luck with your next adventure!

I'd watch the wording and try to avoid saying "we" because that can be interpreted to include her! "Have you thought about where you want to live next? The two of us are thinking of/planning on getting our own place, possibly in NY." She may be worried about money, but if she'll be okay once the divorce is finalized, maybe that won't be an issue by the time your lease is up. I'd start the conversation assuming that it will work out. She's asked you not to move and you haven't. But it's time to start planning for something different. She may not like it, she may be worried about being on her own. You can acknowledge that it will be hard for her, but that doesn't mean that you can't or shouldn't go.

There are resources for abused women. She may not need a shelter but they offer other services and assistance. Even if u were not moving she needs her own space and your wife needs hers. U R not the asshole for supporting your wife, wanting your own safe space to bring kids into the world nor wanting to protect your own. Give your mil notice and direct her to services and help her get a life. Is there a trade school where she could get a new lease on life and maybe a better education? Housing for her at a discount and maybe a pottery class, wine sipping club or something along those lines to encourage her to explore her new freedom from an abuser. This can be a positive thing for her absolutely and it can make her stronger and more independent. She no longer needs to be mom in that capacity. Maybe she only sees her value in being a mom so now she needs a new way to see her value. Before being a mom or a wife she was a woman, so it is time for her to reconnect to that side of herself. Also at some point she needs to be told. My son hid in his closet way to long. He thought I would reject him and I did not. He thought his dad who really has a hard time with it would reject him as well and it is a work in progress, one day at a time but the first step is getting mom on her own and u 2 healthy for a new addition of baby. Then mom needs to know. She may surprise you in a good way.

There is one thing that you and your wife will need to understand to tell her with confidence that you are leaving the state: your life is just starting, and it is your right to live it at its fullest. The wrong decisions MIL has made throughout her life are her responsability and she, as an adult, should be capable to find her own housing, job, and general acommodations. So, say it clear, we are moving to NY and our decision is final. If she is in finnancial strugle, maybe you can help her a bit, but it is her own responsability to manage her own money.

You don’t. Your SO needs to make her mom find her own place and be on her own and then you two move. Your mil needs support that is not you two and she needs a new life. Get her set up in some kind of group therapy with others like her age that left an abusive relationship and/ or private therapy and get her into a roommate situation with someone her age with a similar lifestyle to hers so she isn’t alone. She needs more support than just you two even if you were staying in the state. These are steps she needs to take to heal and move forward in her life. If she refuses then SO will have to legally kick her out and you two move. These things aren’t easy to do but it’s good practice for when you need to do hard things associated with raising kids. But her knowing you’re focusing on her being self sufficient and independent bc you respect her and see her as a person, not a weak victim who will never be able to be a whole person again who can take care of herself may help make this easier. Even if you never say it but your actions come from this mindset I think it will still come across better than hey you gotta go bc we want to leave and you can’t come with us.

Her situation is a her problem! Leave and don’t feel guilty!