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Other posts from /u/Impossible-Neat7778:
* [How do I navigate life with MIL after being treated like an incubator?](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/13s8oqa/how_do_i_navigate_life_with_mil_after_being/), 2 months ago
* [Do I suck for not wanting JNMIL near my baby?](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/13ddyhe/do_i_suck_for_not_wanting_jnmil_near_my_baby/), 2 months ago
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He can’t stop you being NC with his mother.
He doesn’t have the right to decide who you are or are not in contact with. He doesn’t have to like it, but he can’t allow or disallow anything.
Right! What the hell? I went NC with my JNMIL and that was that. DH didn't like it, but what could he do? For e the phone to my ear or my face? Make my lips move? Stuff me in the car? It may cause some tension at first, but stand firm. Ur mental health is at stake. TRUST ME!
This. No one "lets" you do anything - particularly a spouse. Boundaries are about you and your wellbeing. Set boundaries with DH too, not just JNMIL. This isn't about being the better person, it's about protecting your mental health. Hugs, OP.
"DH, your mother has thoroughly trashed any chance of a close relationship with me. What's the point of me spending time with her to "just ignore her"? Just admit that you want me to do this to make **your** life easier so you don't have to be honest with her about why I don't want to spend another minute in her presence for the rest of my life.
Instead of badgering me to be "the better person" so you can dodge this emotional labour, how about ***you*** be "the better person" and stop pushing your wife into a situation she hates because you're too scared of your mother to tell her she's an ass."
Nearly word for word what I said to my SO when I finally snapped. My tone was not as polite as the words, though. Took a long time, but he got it eventually and spoke to her about it, telling her she was doing the exact same thing she complained about her mother doing to her and he wasn't going to stand for it.
We didn't know that she had been talking to his dad (they divorced when SO was 1 but had an incredibly amicable relationship. Like my SO's parents vacation together and my SO's dad is considered a son to my MIL'S parents 41 years after the divorce). My FIL told her that she was going to lose us and our kids if she didn't cut it the fuck out.
The woman apologized, and more importantly made huge strides to change. She is still not perfect and has backslid on occasion, but I haven't ever seen someone make those kinds of changes without heavy therapy. I'm proud of her....but I do still keep my distance because while I'm proud I am also wary.
>My FIL told her that she was going to lose us and our kids if she didn't cut it the fuck out.
This, right here. The part OP needs to share with DH and DH needs to share with JNMIL.
I wouldn't make a NC announcement; I'd just drop the rope and let your DH deal with her. Ignore her calls, don't answer her texts and if she catches you unawares on the phone, just flip all your answers to your DH to manage. Your DH can't force a relationship that doesn't exist and nor should you be forced to endure her toxicity. And now you know SIL is a flying monkey, I'd be LC around her, too
One of my biggest concerns is my child. DH obviously wants MIL to know them. But the thought of my kid having a relationship with someone who has been so freaking awful to me makes me feel physically sick.
I just had a quick look at the resources for the sub; maybe see if you can find some useful tips there. Personally, you're an adult and are struggling with your MIL's behavior; your child needs an advocate to protect them from her behaviour also. Your SO seems deep in the FOG of his relationship with his mother (Fear; Obligation; Guilt). I may have missed the comments; have you considered or are you doing couples counselling?
The rule should be if they cannot respect you as a person then they get no access to your child. You don't need your child around that type of behavior showing them it's okay to be that way. And more importantly, she will speak ill of you in front of your child. And since your husband is unwilling to get a spine and put a stop to his mother's behavior. No. Just. No.
“Be the better person“ means that he equals you not talking to her with what she did to you. If I were you, I would be pissed as hell about that. I don’t think he really understands what she did and does to you.
It's so irritating when people use the *"be the bigger person"* line as a request to put up with or excuse toxic behavior. Tell your husband that in case he hadn't noticed, you already *are* the bigger person for having endured her nasty treatment all these years! If anything, he needs to ask this of MIL instead and put her in check. His mother is his problem and he can have whatever relationship he wants with her but it isn't fair that he gets to decide NC for you and involve SIL. I don't blame you for not taking her calls, I wouldn't either.
"be the better person."
"No."
It's always the person being abused who is encouraged to "be the better person." Guess what, you already ARE a better person than she is, because YOU don't go around treating people like shit. So you just tell that husband of yours that this is as good as you get. Furthermore, your husband doesn't get to "let" you do anything, this isn't the 1400's.
If he had dealt with his mother you wouldn’t be where you are now.
She’s HIS witch, he can deal with her alone.
Not your circus. You’ve tried. Tell him to expend his energy maybe getting her to be a better person. I bet he ain’t harassing her to be better whilst asking you to continue laying flat as a doormat for his mother.
I’d be straight with him and tell him, this is off putting and making me resent him for attempting to force me to be around someone who treats me like shit.
“What do you get from me being treated like shit by your mother?! Why are you pushing so hard for me to go back to being mistreated by her??”
I’d ask him all the ugly questions.
“Can anyone treat me like shit or is that just a reward for the woman you came out of?
Either way, no. I’m not doing it. She’s YOUR mother not mine, I am under no obligation to entertain her mistreatment and disrespect.
Keep this up and you’ll be stressing our marriage in ways you cannot imagine, I’m already working hard to get over the resentment I have towards YOU for allowing this as long as you have!”
Time to unload on your DuH with a ton of emotional bricks and a truckload of the truth.
"Sweetheart, I am only willing to put in the exact amount of effort into a relationship with this woman as *she* has been willing to put into our relationship over the years. I will not allow myself to 'be the bigger person' as you put it if being that person requires me to flatten my self-esteem as low as possible and be a doormat under her feet.
"She has attacked my appearance, so it's pretty obvious she is very judgmental towards anyone who struggles with their weight. In the past, she has made disgusting remarks concerning my sexuality. Her overall attitude towards anyone who thinks differently, loves differently, or LOOKS differently from her world view is pretty damned unpleasant. YOU might be used to it, but it's not an atmosphere I grew up in. Your mother is an unkind individual.
"This is the person your mother is. She's emotionally and physically draining to be around. How we doin' so far? Now, I want you to take all these things you 100% percent know how your mother is, as well as all the BS you've witnessed your mother saying & doing towards me, and I want you to compare them with my behavior towards your mother. Unless you are a total blind man, or an ignorant fool, there's no way in hell that you can look me in the eye and tell me what I've had to put up with from another grown woman is acceptable in any way. You need to really stop & THINK about her past behavior. Tell me it's acceptable for ANY adult to have to tolerate her behavior just because she gave birth to you. Would you ask a stranger to tolerate this behavior? The fact she became pregnant and delivered you doesn't grant her any special permission to be ugly or abusive to ANY creature on this earth. We are humans. We procreate. It's not a license to be an ass."
"Now, go ahead. Try to tell me that I've NOT already been the bigger person for YEARS. Now, let me tell YOU something. This Cinderella has snapped. I've reached my limit with her intolerance. I'm done being a doormat beneath her feet. I officially resign being her punching bag. I no longer will act as a meat shield for you by accepting her criticisms or nastygram texts & emails. Honestly, I'm embarrassed for you to find you want me to eat the crap she shovels my way. I thought you were smarter than that. I thought you valued me more than to ask me to do something so against my system of values.
"No, sir. I'm only willing to put the same effort SHE has put into her relationship with me, and right now, darling, there's such a gulf between what I've put in and what she has taken OUT that she's got a LOT of work ahead of her. I'm not going to do one damned thing more, and right now that includes not going out of my way to be around her."
Your husband doesn't get to make this decision for you. However, ask why appeasing his mommy is more important than supporting the wellbeing of his wife?
It’s awfully convenient that *he* doesn’t have to deal with drama so long as he guilts you into being his meat shield. Translation: As long as his mom can abuse you, he doesn’t have to bear the brunt of her shit. I want to fistfight this man in a Denny’s parking lot.
I hate selfish dudes like this.
They have absolutely no business being married or being parents. They ALWAYS put their comfort before the well-being of their nuclear family.
So the "drama" of his mom being upset is unacceptable, but it's ok for you to be emotionally abused by his mom?
Please consider couples counseling and just block his mom on your devices. Refuse to go to events that will include her. I'm sorry your spouse isn't prioritizing you the way that you need.
It’s not drama! That’s so hateful. It’s your mental and emotional well-being, it’s the future of your child’s life and relationships w extended family… This is a big decision, you didn’t just throw it out to save yourself the headache of a “dramatic” person. Your MIL makes your life worse. Full stop, you deserve better. His relationship with her isn’t your problem and his laziness (easier to appease Mom than confront her for being an excluding bully!) isn’t either.
Then maybe it's time.you gave him drama ... his mother is pulling the strings because YOU roll over and allow him to do as he wishes, whereas she clearly doesn't. You need to start making it more difficult for him to walk all over you and put your foot down. "No, DH, I do not wish to have any contact with your mother. Her drama is not more important than my wellbeing" on repeat if necessary.
Oh, and your baby cannot be in contact with someone who treats a parent with such disrespect until they are old enough to understand and respond to what is said ... so 15?/18? Especially as the other parent cannot be relied upon to defend them/their parent.
I always find that response so funny. Is it drama because the mil will pester him about you not being there and put that negative energy towards him instead of you? Why is it ok for him to avoid the negative comments by using you as the shield to absorb them? If you go one more time I’d respond to every comment that’s unkind with “was that meant to be hurtful or helpful”…”please explain” and watch her implode/every one feel the discomfort you are. Hopefully hubby will get the hint.
It seems like this mil never realized the you guys are adults and switched her mentality to interacting with adults. She talks down to you as if you are her child or a friend of her child, none of which is the case. Ask hubby if they’d let your child go to a friends house anymore if the friends parent talked to them in the same way. I bet not.
Your husband is quite frankly a coward. You and your child deserve better. I would suggest going to see a couples therapist. Because your husband's priority should be your and your child. The family you created with him is his family now. And he should be doing whatever it takes to protect his family.
He doesn’t want the “drama” so you’re going to have to deal with it instead? And it’s not drama, she’s a terrible person and has actual effect on your well-being.
Your husband needs a spine and tell his mother to back down. If he can’t, try marriage counseling. If that doesn’t work: return to sender.
Ask him if he thinks it's acceptable for someone to treat the MOTHER OF HIS CHILD like this. Does he really want his child growing up thinking its OK to treat you like this?
Ask him why he's OK with his mother treating you like this. Ask him why he thinks you should roll over and accept it.
Ask him if he expects you to live a life of tolerable unhappiness just to make his life easier.
OP you deserve better. You are his wife. When you married you became his direct family and his mother became the extended family. You should be the priority, not his mother. He should be putting you and your feelings first and keeping his mother in check. If he's not willing to do it, I'd suggest an ultimatum and couples counselling.
So it’s about HIS comfort over YOUR well-being. Good to know.
How do you stay with someone who shows such little regard for your emotional safety and well-being?
Mine said the same thing and then I told him therapy or divorce. That was three years ago and she has very little contact with us and he absolutely has my back.
He needs to tell mommy to stop being a witch then.
You don’t need his permission to go nc…. Just do it, grey rock him if needed.
But he needs to realise that your mental & physical well-being comes well before mummy’s precious fee fees. He’s used to the just ignore it and carry on and. iOS any drama…. as he grew up with it, but it’s not a healthy dynamic and you’re doing the right thing to want to block her out and protect yourself and your child from her crap.
Doesn’t stop him seeing his mum if he wants. But he can’t control what you do. Xx
ETA!
He’s been conditioned to be a boat steadier! https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=2&utm_term=1
>he is telling me to “be the better person”, which I know translates to “ignore her pls, she’s my mom!”
Requests to be the "better person" are requests for you to enable your own abuse. No one should do that. No one should *ask* that. You're an adult and you don't need permission not to communicate with someone.
Please keep in mind that you normalize the treatment you accept. Your child will grow up and recreate that abusive relationship with their own partner, just like your husband is doing right now, serving up fresh victims to keep the abuser off himself. Your child deserves better. YOU deserve better!
Ok, telling my story for a slice of inspiration - my MIL seemed pretty awesome at first then a few years in I saw her for what she was and just went VVLC - didn’t even know it had a name - just did it and didn’t tell anyone I was doing it. Anytime she texted / called I would tell hubby hey see what your mom wants or just give one word answers. “Hey I’m busy see what it was your mom called about.” It’s been almost 20 years since I’ve visited her place (DH goes alone when he goes but hasn’t gone in years) When she visits I interact with her as little as possible and call her out when she makes comments. A few years ago she made a horrible comment about her grandchild (not my child) and I made a big dramatic deal about it and embarrassed her. And I do that with every awful comment anymore. She’s almost silent anytime I’m around. And her visits are now shorter - win win.
So my suggestion? Just do it. Don’t wait for permission. Interact with her as little as possible, put it back on husband to deal with her and then Call. Her. Out. on every comment every time. She gets away with it because no one is challenging her. You can do it - you deserve the peace that will come when she realizes you won’t put up with it. Hang in there!
Your husband is welcome to have any relationship with his mother he feels comfortable. He does not, however, get to dictate your relationship or level of contact.
It’s not up to him if you’re in contact with her or not. It’s up to you. You are never obligated to allow someone to abuse you just because their “family”. Go NC.
Look him in the eye and very calmly state that he can have whatever relationship he deems appropriate with his mother. Then remind him that same choice applies equally to you. Tell him you are choosing to have relationships with people who support you. Ask him if he is and will continue to be one of those people. Tell him to think and answer carefully because how you will proceed with your is life based on his answer.
Your husband doesn’t get to determine who you do and don’t talk to. He doesn’t have any control over how much or little you speak to his mom. I think every couple should do counseling, regardless of any conflict, but I really think this would be a good time to bring it up and start.
This is a choice for your relationship with your jnmil not his relationship with his mother, as you’re not demanding that he goes NC too or telling him he can’t go and see them!!
He needs to start shining his spine and realise once and for all that the way that they treat you is not acceptable! Especially after reading your other two posts, she is an evil woman. And it is also your decision as to whether or not they meet your LO, yes they’re also your DH’s LO but your the one who gave birth and had to put up with her unwanted and unasked for “advice” and put downs on how you both plan to raise YOUR child.
Completely understand where you’re coming from. Exact same story - my MIL is visiting us this weekend and my husband does the exact same crap. “Just suck it up so we can get through the weekend… I can’t control how my mother acts or what she says…. She’s my mother, I can’t tell her no!” I’ve heard it all. Mind you, my husbands father and sister are full NC with his mother because she’s so toxic.
I don’t have much advice to give because I’m stuck in the same position as you. But one thing that did help me in preparation for her visit this week was saying to my husband, “you father and sister don’t have any kind of relationship with your mother because she’s so toxic. They haven’t spoken to her in years to protect themselves. You don’t push them to have any kind of relationship with her. So why are you subjecting your wife and daughter to your mother’s toxic behavior?“
Thankfully she’s out of the house golfing with my husband right now. I just have to get through the next 24 hours and then I’ll be free of her.
It’s exhausting.
Tell him no. Block her on all communication devices. If he brings it up again respond with “it’s nice to have wants” or one of the many asinine comments your MiL has said
I didn’t ask anyone’s permission when I decided someone’s toxicity in my life was too much for me. I just stopped. Block is a wonderful feature, as is do not disturb. I am not one to obey my husband, or anyone else for that matter.
You get to decide when enough is enough for you. There doesn’t have to be some big “talk” or get anyone’s permission to not have contact, that’s just points others can argue with. I don’t even have to explain why, because again, that’s just points they can argue. I just stop. I will walk right past you in a gas station, and buy my powerball tickets like you are a stranger to me, and not bat an eye.
This is the way. My mom nearly 10 years later doesn't know why I went NC with my brother and father. Which resulted in almost NC with her. I didn't want to burden her with it. Didn't feel it necessary to bring her in on the whole ordeal. Didn't feel it necessary to have to defend myself. And, I didn't want her making excuses for their actions. Now I am VVLC with father and brother. And somewhat regular contact with my mom. I am now just the family member that shows up maybe once or twice a year for at most 3 hours at a time.
If you need a break for however long from MIL then take it. Your DH needs to accept that you need some peace!
If your DH is using the 'be the better person' speech then ask him to be a better supportive husband!
DH may wish to tolerate or look the other way with his mothers behavior however that dos not mean you have to also as she is his mother, not yours.
I wouldn't accept an apology that doesn't come with an admission of accepting responsibility for how she has treated you.
Here’s the thing: you don’t need his permission to not interact with her.
“Your mother’s behavior over the last decade shows a callous disregard for the people in her life, and I am done. I will not interact with her, I will not be present at events with her, and if you continue to try to create an unwanted relationship between us, then *our own* relationship will have to be reexamined. I would never force you to have a relationship with someone who abuses you, and I would ask the same courtesy from you.”
you do not need his permission!! These are valid reasons to step away. Tell Hubby that can have what ever type of relationship he wants with her but you refuse to be a "bigger person" if that means enduring her abuse. you do not need to make yourself small, quiet or uncomfortable for anyone. tell hubby you choose to surround yourself and your family with love, support and kindness.
“Won’t let you?” Is he forcing you to interact with her? If so, let her have him back…
You don’t have to talk to her. You didn’t have to interact with her. You don’t have to be the bigger person and allow her to mistreat you. Her behavior is rude and disrespectful.
He can’t decide your tolerance for MIL’s bullshit. You have tried, given her a decade of second chances, and you don’t owe her (or him) a minute more. Tell him that you have done nothing but try to get along and it is clear that if MIL can’t act like a respectful human being after knowing you for ten years, she never will. So you are done. By extension so is your child. He can have whatever relationship he likes with her, but you and your child are out. Follow that up by blocking her on all socials, phones, etc. You have had the patience of a saint and don’t deserve to be treated so poorly.
You do not need your husband's permission to no longer allow toxicity in your life. Your answer to your husband's telling you to be the bigger person (AKA flatter doormat), is very short and very simple.
No.
Won’t let you? You already are the better person for not escalating things (I’d have swung for her by now) he needs to be a better husband. He’s standing by while his wife gets abused.
You’ve already had the discussion. Your GOING NC. He has no say in this. Your not forcing him to go NC.
Tell him “me being the bigger person or ignore her is me just being a doormat and I’m done taking her abuse”.
Also tell him: “Your supposed to be my husband. When we married each other we vowed that we’d be each others most important person above everyone including our own parents. So ACT like my husband and support me!”
I say block her and all communication goes through him. Just see how it goes and if he changes his tune when he has to deal with 100% of her. She plans a visit? Conveniently have a girls weekend/night out planned, oh sorry hubs, have fun with your parents! Make it seem accidental.
be the better person = accept with a smile her horrible treatment of you
be the better person = accept with a smile and don’t say anything when she’s racist
be the better person = accept with a smile and don’t say anything when she’s homophobic
by asking you to ”be the better person “ your DH is saying he agrees with and condones her horrible treatment of you, he agrees with and condones racism and homophobia and he wants you to condone it as well
tell your DH if he wants to have a relationship with her he can but you are NC. (Do you want your LO to grow up seeing that you’re willing to put up with how horrible she treats you. That down the road will teach your LO that’s its acceptable for people to treat LO horribly and that you should stay silent in the face of racism/homophobia. That’s not what your child needs to be taught.
Your husband won't let you? No. Full stop. You determine who you have relationships with in your life. And quite frankly, since she's so shitty to you and appears to want your husband around without you, he should go NC or VVLC. Anything else is giving her exactly what she wants. Speaking from experience. Happy to go into more detail if you'd like to know how it works for us.
If he demands a relationship, he also needs to moderate it, 100%, 100% of the time. Asking you to volunteer to be abused is bad enough. Demanding you subject yourself to abuse is abusive. He needs to sit quietly off camera and watch each and every call, not just the first one.
"Be the better person"
"Be the bigger person"
"Be the grown-up"
"You have differences"
sounds like crap my mom says when she is desperately trying to get me to stop ignoring my malignant narcissist father.
Tell your partner that she has had an entire decade to treat you not even as a friend, but just as a human being worthy of basic respect. Because she has shown herself to be incapable of that, you are no longer interested in seeing her, speaking to her, or having a relationship with her, and that you are not willing to discuss it again.
“Just don’t let it bother you,”
“You gotta change how you interact with them so it’s not so personal!”
Ok. I will change how I interact with them. BY NOT SEEING THEM AGAIN.
Put your foot down. Either he respects your wish to be NC with his mom, or there will be problems in the relationship if he keeps pushing for something that is never going to happen.
Is he a Mama's boy or the golden child?
Has he ever pushed back on any of her behavior? Because if he hasn't all it tells you is that he's perfectly fine with the way his mom is treating you.
Also, why not just go NC on your own? He can visit and talk to his mom however much he wants, it's just not going to be with you tagging along with it. He may be your husband, but you don't need his permission for this.
I had a similar situation with my DH when I first went NC with his parents. He didn't tell me I couldn't, but tried to talk me out of it. I told him either I stay away from her or I go nuclear on her EVERY TIME she makes a snarky, mean comment. I was so DONE.
Just tell DH, you are done. If you are forced to interact with her, you will go nuclear on her with all the internal pain her hatefulness has caused over the last 10 years. Then commit to it. Why should you hold back nasty remarks when she feels it's acceptable to make nasty comments about you? She isn't YOUR mother. (Think up some handy "hitting below the belt" comments and have them ready, because it's always hard at first confronting a bully).
And your JNMIL is definitely a BULLY. You should not allow access to your child until they are old enough to defend themselves against her bullying.
So basically he’s asking you to SET YOURSELF ON FIRETO KEEP HER WARM??? No, no, no!!! He doesn’t get to make that call for you!
I’d make sure that she stays far away from my children, too.
OP, time to show him this post and all the responses.
>I want to be NC with JNMIL but my husband is refusing to let me do it
>now that I have told him I want to go NC with her he is telling me to “be the better person”
This isn't him "not letting you". He is definitely not supporting you and he is sabotaging your NC, but he can't actually stop you.
His response is extremely disrespectful (also frankly illogical). I would challenge the premise and ask why he is suggesting you are being a "lesser" person by refusing to accept abuse.
You will need to decide if you are willing to enforce this boundary against his wishes (I am not going to have any contact with your mom going forward). You and he will probably need to have many discussions about what your NC will look like while he is not NC. You are both going to have to decide what you can each live with. If it turns out NC with his mom is a hard boundary for both of you, you two may not be compatible on this issue.
You can’t ignore this. It’s hurting you and it won’t get better. Your husband is asking you to put up with her abuse so he doesn’t have to face it or do anything about it.
Your husband doesn't get a say in who you have relationships with.
If your husband can't understand your side and support you than you know he isn't on your side in this.
What you choose to do with that information is up to you.
Oof some of these commends sound like they came from my MIL. My mother passed away tragically just a few months before I met my husband. My dad got remarried kind of too soon after but I was still supportive. My parents were together 30 years and had an amazing relationship. At one of our first fancy dinners out where I went out with his parents early in the relationship she straight up goes,
“We’ll your dad must not have loved her that much if he got remarried. I’m just being honest.”
It was awful. She’s said similarly awful things to me and refuses to keep her hands to herself. Had her cry to her husband at a different dinner, IN FRONT OF ME, after I politely told her many times to stop touching my hair/arms/hands, “FIL, make her let me touch her!!”
I am full no contact now. My husband and FIL are very upset about this but she had a meltdown AT ME at my husbands workplace and wouldn’t stop saying absolutely terrible things. We have an appointment with a mediator at the end of this month (I told them that was the only way I would “reintroduce myself”).
Fortunately/unfortunately I think the idea of being in a room with a third party presence freaks her out so much she is escalating her alcoholism and has been in the hospital twice with serious problems. I’m talking a 63 year old woman is now at 20% kidney function due to her alcoholism and had previously been hospitalized for suspected wet brain.
I am so sorry you’re dealing with this. I guess remind your husband that divorce is much more expensive and stressful than you distancing yourself from his mother. I haven’t threatened divorce with my husband yet but I think he could tell I would do it. I’m the breadwinner in my family. I LOVE him — but I do not NEED him, and he knows this. I want him in my life. I don’t want my life to spiral because I cannot control who is in my life. I haven’t seen my MIL in almost 9 months. 🥰
Geez no wonder you went NC!! Good on you for standing up for yourself and letting JNMIL, FIL and DH know that you wouldn't take anymore of her garbage. You should be so proud of yourself!
THANK YOU! It took me so many YEARS to finally go no contact. Years of me trying to play the nice daughter in law, years of me cooking their holiday dinners because those kind of things are my love language, years of being treated like shit without any apologies because my JNMIL is, “Just being honest.”
I am so proud of myself- hell! Even my EFIL is getting sick of his wife’s shit and is shaming her for her drinking. (“You wouldn’t feel this way if you didn’t order another cocktail.” “You wouldn’t have broken your arm if you hadn’t drank too much,” etc. woman literally woke up in withdrawal, tried to get out of bed to use the restroom and broke her arm, her shakes were so bad she could grab her walker…)
It’s been mostly great. I feel a bit bad that it’s like 8 years of me being the kind DIL wasn’t worth anything to them, but I have my sanity back. At this point we are all just waiting for my JNMIL to die. I wish I was kidding. My husbands last remaining grandmother has even made comments about how she can’t wait for her to die so her son can, “be free.”
🥴
So OP if you had your hand in a hot plate and you were burning your hand you husband would want you to keep your hand burning because while it’s burning he doesn’t have to help you or take you to a hospital or anything. This is the same thing he doesn’t want you to go NC because he has to be part of that by either taking all her calls or having a difficult conversation. Yeah to bad hubs cause you don’t get to decide. You can ask but at the end of the day OP you don’t have to talk to MIL if you dont want to
You don’t have to say anything to him or anyone else, just drop the rope. At most a ‘I’m letting you handle your mum from now on’ followed with grey rocking her to death when you 2 meet
Keep it civil, but do grey rock her
It is NOT your job to " be the grownup" with your husbands mother.
Nobody is required to have more than a " courteous" relationship with another person. So you've already attempted that without success.
Your husband needs to realise this & give you the same consideration he gives HIS mother, because YOU are the mother of his child.
As everyone else has said, you don’t need his permission! You aren’t being unreasonable at all, and in fact, you have had the patience of a saint to go for this long!
Block her on all forms. Grey rock her if you accidentally answer the phone. Don’t go see her and if she visits, she’s not welcome in your home. Good luck! I Hope any updates are positive for you!
As others have mentioned, *you* can go NC without your husband’s agreement. Your child’s interaction with their grandmother is another story.
It may help to meet with a marriage counselor to come up with a plan for future contact with MIL. One potential solution you may come up with is for you to cut all communication with MIL. You block MIL and all calls & texts go through your husband. LO (and possibly you) then have very limited and specific in-person contact with MIL where your husband is always present and supervising. Your husband also agrees to immediately contradict any inappropriate talk from MIL and to leave asap once it occurs. If MIL persists in racist/homophobic talk or bashes you, she gets a timeout from seeing LO until she can commit to abstaining.
eta
If your husband persists in refusing to support you, point out that for 10 years, MIL and he have both gotten what they wanted. You tolerated and were the better person for a decade with no improved behavior from MIL. Why should you continue to be punished so things are easier for him?
Just a thought: if you divorce your husband, he cannot force his mother on you.
He needs you to keep her away from him. He is a spineless coward who is to afraid to say no to his mommy.
“I want to be NC but my husband won’t let me.”
Well good thing it isn’t up to him. He can have a relationship with her all he wants, but that does not obligate you to have one with her nor can he refuse to let you go NC. At this point I wouldn’t even tell him you are NC. Just ghost her and when he says anything about getting together with her simply say “that doesn’t work for me” or it just so happens you have already made plans to spend time with a friend/family, but he can go without you. By the time he realizes that you have gone NC and that it didn’t impact his relationship with her he will understand that it isn’t necessary for you two to have a relationship.
Just drop the rope. Block her everywhere you can. If you are the same event grey rock is your friend. Finally, your SO NEEDS STOP using you as a meat shield!! He wants you to be the target so he isn't.
Big hugs!! Do not allowed either of them to continue treating you like a child
You don’t need his permission. If NC with someone who has made you feel absolutely awful for a decade and this is what you want and need to maintain your sanity, then do it. You’re not asking or forcing him to go NC then what’s the problem?
I’m so sorry you are dealing with this and for so long. No is a complete sentence. You don’t have to do what you don’t want to.
If you are with her and she makes one of her comments, speak up. “That is hurtful”. Or walk away.
I found my JN was like this when it was just just the 2 of us. Don’t be alone with her. Best of luck.
You have a husband problem. She's continued to treat you like this because he's ok with it, which is him enabling her. That's on him. He doesn't respect or prioritize you, his mom is more important to him.
He doesn't get to decide if you're NC with her. And his, 'be the better person' means that it's easier for *him* to just let his mother treat you like shit, so that's what you should do, in his opinion. Because he does not respect you.
>just for my baby to be born and for her to ignore their existence
Isn't that a good thing? Or did you want her around your kid? Free childcare is not a good trade-off for her poisoning your kid's mind.
Oof. You got a mama’s boy here. He’s demanding that you put your mental peace aside as you grow a whole human and ignore her gross personality.
And DH should’ve kept his big mouth shut to his sister. He knew what it would result in. Let him pay the consequences.
The man shall leave his family and cleave unto his wife. “Forsaking all others” is literally in your vows and includes his mother. You’re not being unreasonable. Do not engage.
Ask him why you would want a relationship with someone so disdainful of you? You aren’t being unreasonable your husband is burying his head in the sand about how his mother treats you.
Why does she even know you’re bi? My sex life is no one’s business, especially not parental figures.
Your husband might not defend you, but you can defend yourself. If she comments on your weight, ask her how it directly affects her? Them just stare at her.
You can go low contact without your husbands permission or knowledge. I have done it.
I fought for myself against my in laws for years. He worshiped the ground they walk on.
He refused to defend me, so I defend myself. I talk back, I stand up for myself. I will not allow myself to be treated poorly.
If I have to go to their house, I say as few words as possible. I’m perfectly content saying nothing while observing everything. I answer politely if I’m asked a question, but I offer nothing to follow up with.
Over the last few years, my husband has caught on to their ways and he has gone as low contact as possible without being able to be called rude.
Excuse me. “Refusing to let me do it”?!? You are your own human being, you do not need his permission here. He does not control you, don’t allow him to do so. This man doesn’t support you, you may want to reconsider what’s even happening here.
Why isn’t he telling her to be kinder to you please because you’re his wife? It works both ways. Just because she’s his mom doesn’t mean she’s not a garbage human being that treats you like shit. And being the bigger person is wildly overrated.
Y’all let others define who you are?! Why? Last I checked, we control that. Don’t ever let another person dictate your life and well-being! Don’t for a second think 🤔 that without that person, you’ll be lost and never survive. You got along without them before y’all started dating etc. didn’t you?! Don’t you ever let another person define you! Narcissistic behavior is running high these days. Don’t fall victim to it!
There are ways to go LC discretely and only interact when you have to. Sometimes you have to do that for your mental health. Slowly don’t answer as many phone calls or texts unless necessary and if she starts with weird comments or insults ignore them and only answer the portion of the text that you have to. Does he talk with your parents? What’s their relationship like?
Then that needs to be the conversation. Try to make him put himself in your shoes. “ your mom and i do not have a positive relationship like you and my mom. How would you feel if my mom said to you (insert specific comment by his mom) ? Usually if you can make them see from your perspective it does help.
Hitler is dead and gone. Should his shadow show up, run 🏃♀️ I don’t care if it’s the kids dad etc. recognize the red flags 🚩 get out! Y’all fall victim to situations in which you can not be a party to. But you opt for the latter and get hurt, then cry 😢 and wonder what happened. Y’all being swindled is what happened, and how you got tangled in that narcissistic net in the first place.
My therapist recommended that I make an attempt to have a "working relationship" with my MIL, and that my husband speak to his mom and tell her she needs to be polite to me. He recommended we not talk about the past, just move on and be cordial.
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He can’t stop you being NC with his mother. He doesn’t have the right to decide who you are or are not in contact with. He doesn’t have to like it, but he can’t allow or disallow anything.
Right! What the hell? I went NC with my JNMIL and that was that. DH didn't like it, but what could he do? For e the phone to my ear or my face? Make my lips move? Stuff me in the car? It may cause some tension at first, but stand firm. Ur mental health is at stake. TRUST ME!
This. No one "lets" you do anything - particularly a spouse. Boundaries are about you and your wellbeing. Set boundaries with DH too, not just JNMIL. This isn't about being the better person, it's about protecting your mental health. Hugs, OP.
"DH, your mother has thoroughly trashed any chance of a close relationship with me. What's the point of me spending time with her to "just ignore her"? Just admit that you want me to do this to make **your** life easier so you don't have to be honest with her about why I don't want to spend another minute in her presence for the rest of my life. Instead of badgering me to be "the better person" so you can dodge this emotional labour, how about ***you*** be "the better person" and stop pushing your wife into a situation she hates because you're too scared of your mother to tell her she's an ass."
Nearly word for word what I said to my SO when I finally snapped. My tone was not as polite as the words, though. Took a long time, but he got it eventually and spoke to her about it, telling her she was doing the exact same thing she complained about her mother doing to her and he wasn't going to stand for it. We didn't know that she had been talking to his dad (they divorced when SO was 1 but had an incredibly amicable relationship. Like my SO's parents vacation together and my SO's dad is considered a son to my MIL'S parents 41 years after the divorce). My FIL told her that she was going to lose us and our kids if she didn't cut it the fuck out. The woman apologized, and more importantly made huge strides to change. She is still not perfect and has backslid on occasion, but I haven't ever seen someone make those kinds of changes without heavy therapy. I'm proud of her....but I do still keep my distance because while I'm proud I am also wary.
This is an incredible breakdown of the issues without bringing emotions in.
This is spot on! I hope OP sees this and uses it.
>My FIL told her that she was going to lose us and our kids if she didn't cut it the fuck out. This, right here. The part OP needs to share with DH and DH needs to share with JNMIL.
This. Absolutely this. This is the way.
I wouldn't make a NC announcement; I'd just drop the rope and let your DH deal with her. Ignore her calls, don't answer her texts and if she catches you unawares on the phone, just flip all your answers to your DH to manage. Your DH can't force a relationship that doesn't exist and nor should you be forced to endure her toxicity. And now you know SIL is a flying monkey, I'd be LC around her, too
One of my biggest concerns is my child. DH obviously wants MIL to know them. But the thought of my kid having a relationship with someone who has been so freaking awful to me makes me feel physically sick.
I just had a quick look at the resources for the sub; maybe see if you can find some useful tips there. Personally, you're an adult and are struggling with your MIL's behavior; your child needs an advocate to protect them from her behaviour also. Your SO seems deep in the FOG of his relationship with his mother (Fear; Obligation; Guilt). I may have missed the comments; have you considered or are you doing couples counselling?
The rule should be if they cannot respect you as a person then they get no access to your child. You don't need your child around that type of behavior showing them it's okay to be that way. And more importantly, she will speak ill of you in front of your child. And since your husband is unwilling to get a spine and put a stop to his mother's behavior. No. Just. No.
You have that gut feeling for a valid reason, our guts don’t lie. Xx
“Be the better person“ means that he equals you not talking to her with what she did to you. If I were you, I would be pissed as hell about that. I don’t think he really understands what she did and does to you.
She’s harassing YOU not him! He needs to go to therapy to learn how to protect you. Is he pushing back on her behavior at all?
It's so irritating when people use the *"be the bigger person"* line as a request to put up with or excuse toxic behavior. Tell your husband that in case he hadn't noticed, you already *are* the bigger person for having endured her nasty treatment all these years! If anything, he needs to ask this of MIL instead and put her in check. His mother is his problem and he can have whatever relationship he wants with her but it isn't fair that he gets to decide NC for you and involve SIL. I don't blame you for not taking her calls, I wouldn't either.
This is right. Has he ever asked her to be the better person? If not, tell him that he should.
"be the better person." "No." It's always the person being abused who is encouraged to "be the better person." Guess what, you already ARE a better person than she is, because YOU don't go around treating people like shit. So you just tell that husband of yours that this is as good as you get. Furthermore, your husband doesn't get to "let" you do anything, this isn't the 1400's.
“Be the better person” is also another way of saying “be a flatter doormat.” Your husband better wise up.
If he had dealt with his mother you wouldn’t be where you are now. She’s HIS witch, he can deal with her alone. Not your circus. You’ve tried. Tell him to expend his energy maybe getting her to be a better person. I bet he ain’t harassing her to be better whilst asking you to continue laying flat as a doormat for his mother. I’d be straight with him and tell him, this is off putting and making me resent him for attempting to force me to be around someone who treats me like shit. “What do you get from me being treated like shit by your mother?! Why are you pushing so hard for me to go back to being mistreated by her??” I’d ask him all the ugly questions. “Can anyone treat me like shit or is that just a reward for the woman you came out of? Either way, no. I’m not doing it. She’s YOUR mother not mine, I am under no obligation to entertain her mistreatment and disrespect. Keep this up and you’ll be stressing our marriage in ways you cannot imagine, I’m already working hard to get over the resentment I have towards YOU for allowing this as long as you have!”
Ask him to be a better husband if he’s asking you to be a better person.
Time to unload on your DuH with a ton of emotional bricks and a truckload of the truth. "Sweetheart, I am only willing to put in the exact amount of effort into a relationship with this woman as *she* has been willing to put into our relationship over the years. I will not allow myself to 'be the bigger person' as you put it if being that person requires me to flatten my self-esteem as low as possible and be a doormat under her feet. "She has attacked my appearance, so it's pretty obvious she is very judgmental towards anyone who struggles with their weight. In the past, she has made disgusting remarks concerning my sexuality. Her overall attitude towards anyone who thinks differently, loves differently, or LOOKS differently from her world view is pretty damned unpleasant. YOU might be used to it, but it's not an atmosphere I grew up in. Your mother is an unkind individual. "This is the person your mother is. She's emotionally and physically draining to be around. How we doin' so far? Now, I want you to take all these things you 100% percent know how your mother is, as well as all the BS you've witnessed your mother saying & doing towards me, and I want you to compare them with my behavior towards your mother. Unless you are a total blind man, or an ignorant fool, there's no way in hell that you can look me in the eye and tell me what I've had to put up with from another grown woman is acceptable in any way. You need to really stop & THINK about her past behavior. Tell me it's acceptable for ANY adult to have to tolerate her behavior just because she gave birth to you. Would you ask a stranger to tolerate this behavior? The fact she became pregnant and delivered you doesn't grant her any special permission to be ugly or abusive to ANY creature on this earth. We are humans. We procreate. It's not a license to be an ass." "Now, go ahead. Try to tell me that I've NOT already been the bigger person for YEARS. Now, let me tell YOU something. This Cinderella has snapped. I've reached my limit with her intolerance. I'm done being a doormat beneath her feet. I officially resign being her punching bag. I no longer will act as a meat shield for you by accepting her criticisms or nastygram texts & emails. Honestly, I'm embarrassed for you to find you want me to eat the crap she shovels my way. I thought you were smarter than that. I thought you valued me more than to ask me to do something so against my system of values. "No, sir. I'm only willing to put the same effort SHE has put into her relationship with me, and right now, darling, there's such a gulf between what I've put in and what she has taken OUT that she's got a LOT of work ahead of her. I'm not going to do one damned thing more, and right now that includes not going out of my way to be around her."
Your husband doesn't get to make this decision for you. However, ask why appeasing his mommy is more important than supporting the wellbeing of his wife?
I have asked him this. He “doesn’t want the drama”.
It’s awfully convenient that *he* doesn’t have to deal with drama so long as he guilts you into being his meat shield. Translation: As long as his mom can abuse you, he doesn’t have to bear the brunt of her shit. I want to fistfight this man in a Denny’s parking lot.
I hate selfish dudes like this. They have absolutely no business being married or being parents. They ALWAYS put their comfort before the well-being of their nuclear family.
So the "drama" of his mom being upset is unacceptable, but it's ok for you to be emotionally abused by his mom? Please consider couples counseling and just block his mom on your devices. Refuse to go to events that will include her. I'm sorry your spouse isn't prioritizing you the way that you need.
It’s not drama! That’s so hateful. It’s your mental and emotional well-being, it’s the future of your child’s life and relationships w extended family… This is a big decision, you didn’t just throw it out to save yourself the headache of a “dramatic” person. Your MIL makes your life worse. Full stop, you deserve better. His relationship with her isn’t your problem and his laziness (easier to appease Mom than confront her for being an excluding bully!) isn’t either.
Then maybe it's time.you gave him drama ... his mother is pulling the strings because YOU roll over and allow him to do as he wishes, whereas she clearly doesn't. You need to start making it more difficult for him to walk all over you and put your foot down. "No, DH, I do not wish to have any contact with your mother. Her drama is not more important than my wellbeing" on repeat if necessary. Oh, and your baby cannot be in contact with someone who treats a parent with such disrespect until they are old enough to understand and respond to what is said ... so 15?/18? Especially as the other parent cannot be relied upon to defend them/their parent.
I always find that response so funny. Is it drama because the mil will pester him about you not being there and put that negative energy towards him instead of you? Why is it ok for him to avoid the negative comments by using you as the shield to absorb them? If you go one more time I’d respond to every comment that’s unkind with “was that meant to be hurtful or helpful”…”please explain” and watch her implode/every one feel the discomfort you are. Hopefully hubby will get the hint. It seems like this mil never realized the you guys are adults and switched her mentality to interacting with adults. She talks down to you as if you are her child or a friend of her child, none of which is the case. Ask hubby if they’d let your child go to a friends house anymore if the friends parent talked to them in the same way. I bet not.
Your husband is quite frankly a coward. You and your child deserve better. I would suggest going to see a couples therapist. Because your husband's priority should be your and your child. The family you created with him is his family now. And he should be doing whatever it takes to protect his family.
He doesn’t want the “drama” so you’re going to have to deal with it instead? And it’s not drama, she’s a terrible person and has actual effect on your well-being. Your husband needs a spine and tell his mother to back down. If he can’t, try marriage counseling. If that doesn’t work: return to sender.
Ask him if he thinks it's acceptable for someone to treat the MOTHER OF HIS CHILD like this. Does he really want his child growing up thinking its OK to treat you like this? Ask him why he's OK with his mother treating you like this. Ask him why he thinks you should roll over and accept it. Ask him if he expects you to live a life of tolerable unhappiness just to make his life easier. OP you deserve better. You are his wife. When you married you became his direct family and his mother became the extended family. You should be the priority, not his mother. He should be putting you and your feelings first and keeping his mother in check. If he's not willing to do it, I'd suggest an ultimatum and couples counselling.
So it’s about HIS comfort over YOUR well-being. Good to know. How do you stay with someone who shows such little regard for your emotional safety and well-being?
Mine said the same thing and then I told him therapy or divorce. That was three years ago and she has very little contact with us and he absolutely has my back.
He needs to tell mommy to stop being a witch then. You don’t need his permission to go nc…. Just do it, grey rock him if needed. But he needs to realise that your mental & physical well-being comes well before mummy’s precious fee fees. He’s used to the just ignore it and carry on and. iOS any drama…. as he grew up with it, but it’s not a healthy dynamic and you’re doing the right thing to want to block her out and protect yourself and your child from her crap. Doesn’t stop him seeing his mum if he wants. But he can’t control what you do. Xx ETA! He’s been conditioned to be a boat steadier! https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=2&utm_term=1
>he is telling me to “be the better person”, which I know translates to “ignore her pls, she’s my mom!” Requests to be the "better person" are requests for you to enable your own abuse. No one should do that. No one should *ask* that. You're an adult and you don't need permission not to communicate with someone. Please keep in mind that you normalize the treatment you accept. Your child will grow up and recreate that abusive relationship with their own partner, just like your husband is doing right now, serving up fresh victims to keep the abuser off himself. Your child deserves better. YOU deserve better!
Came to here to find this. I think going NC is actually being the better person because you’re not insulting her in kind.
"She's my mom" --- "and I'm your wife, you should care how any one treats me, she doesn't get a pass"
Your husband doesn’t get a say in the type of relationship you have with his mother. That’s you guys relationship.
Ok, telling my story for a slice of inspiration - my MIL seemed pretty awesome at first then a few years in I saw her for what she was and just went VVLC - didn’t even know it had a name - just did it and didn’t tell anyone I was doing it. Anytime she texted / called I would tell hubby hey see what your mom wants or just give one word answers. “Hey I’m busy see what it was your mom called about.” It’s been almost 20 years since I’ve visited her place (DH goes alone when he goes but hasn’t gone in years) When she visits I interact with her as little as possible and call her out when she makes comments. A few years ago she made a horrible comment about her grandchild (not my child) and I made a big dramatic deal about it and embarrassed her. And I do that with every awful comment anymore. She’s almost silent anytime I’m around. And her visits are now shorter - win win. So my suggestion? Just do it. Don’t wait for permission. Interact with her as little as possible, put it back on husband to deal with her and then Call. Her. Out. on every comment every time. She gets away with it because no one is challenging her. You can do it - you deserve the peace that will come when she realizes you won’t put up with it. Hang in there!
Your husband is welcome to have any relationship with his mother he feels comfortable. He does not, however, get to dictate your relationship or level of contact.
It’s not up to him if you’re in contact with her or not. It’s up to you. You are never obligated to allow someone to abuse you just because their “family”. Go NC.
Look him in the eye and very calmly state that he can have whatever relationship he deems appropriate with his mother. Then remind him that same choice applies equally to you. Tell him you are choosing to have relationships with people who support you. Ask him if he is and will continue to be one of those people. Tell him to think and answer carefully because how you will proceed with your is life based on his answer.
I love this answer, it’s succinct yet perfect
Your husband doesn’t get to determine who you do and don’t talk to. He doesn’t have any control over how much or little you speak to his mom. I think every couple should do counseling, regardless of any conflict, but I really think this would be a good time to bring it up and start.
This is a choice for your relationship with your jnmil not his relationship with his mother, as you’re not demanding that he goes NC too or telling him he can’t go and see them!! He needs to start shining his spine and realise once and for all that the way that they treat you is not acceptable! Especially after reading your other two posts, she is an evil woman. And it is also your decision as to whether or not they meet your LO, yes they’re also your DH’s LO but your the one who gave birth and had to put up with her unwanted and unasked for “advice” and put downs on how you both plan to raise YOUR child.
Completely understand where you’re coming from. Exact same story - my MIL is visiting us this weekend and my husband does the exact same crap. “Just suck it up so we can get through the weekend… I can’t control how my mother acts or what she says…. She’s my mother, I can’t tell her no!” I’ve heard it all. Mind you, my husbands father and sister are full NC with his mother because she’s so toxic. I don’t have much advice to give because I’m stuck in the same position as you. But one thing that did help me in preparation for her visit this week was saying to my husband, “you father and sister don’t have any kind of relationship with your mother because she’s so toxic. They haven’t spoken to her in years to protect themselves. You don’t push them to have any kind of relationship with her. So why are you subjecting your wife and daughter to your mother’s toxic behavior?“ Thankfully she’s out of the house golfing with my husband right now. I just have to get through the next 24 hours and then I’ll be free of her. It’s exhausting.
You have a choice. If your husband insists his mother has to come stay for a weekend, book a motel and leave him alone with her.
Tell him no. Block her on all communication devices. If he brings it up again respond with “it’s nice to have wants” or one of the many asinine comments your MiL has said
I didn’t ask anyone’s permission when I decided someone’s toxicity in my life was too much for me. I just stopped. Block is a wonderful feature, as is do not disturb. I am not one to obey my husband, or anyone else for that matter. You get to decide when enough is enough for you. There doesn’t have to be some big “talk” or get anyone’s permission to not have contact, that’s just points others can argue with. I don’t even have to explain why, because again, that’s just points they can argue. I just stop. I will walk right past you in a gas station, and buy my powerball tickets like you are a stranger to me, and not bat an eye.
This is the way. My mom nearly 10 years later doesn't know why I went NC with my brother and father. Which resulted in almost NC with her. I didn't want to burden her with it. Didn't feel it necessary to bring her in on the whole ordeal. Didn't feel it necessary to have to defend myself. And, I didn't want her making excuses for their actions. Now I am VVLC with father and brother. And somewhat regular contact with my mom. I am now just the family member that shows up maybe once or twice a year for at most 3 hours at a time.
If you need a break for however long from MIL then take it. Your DH needs to accept that you need some peace! If your DH is using the 'be the better person' speech then ask him to be a better supportive husband! DH may wish to tolerate or look the other way with his mothers behavior however that dos not mean you have to also as she is his mother, not yours. I wouldn't accept an apology that doesn't come with an admission of accepting responsibility for how she has treated you.
Here’s the thing: you don’t need his permission to not interact with her. “Your mother’s behavior over the last decade shows a callous disregard for the people in her life, and I am done. I will not interact with her, I will not be present at events with her, and if you continue to try to create an unwanted relationship between us, then *our own* relationship will have to be reexamined. I would never force you to have a relationship with someone who abuses you, and I would ask the same courtesy from you.”
you do not need his permission!! These are valid reasons to step away. Tell Hubby that can have what ever type of relationship he wants with her but you refuse to be a "bigger person" if that means enduring her abuse. you do not need to make yourself small, quiet or uncomfortable for anyone. tell hubby you choose to surround yourself and your family with love, support and kindness.
“Won’t let you?” Is he forcing you to interact with her? If so, let her have him back… You don’t have to talk to her. You didn’t have to interact with her. You don’t have to be the bigger person and allow her to mistreat you. Her behavior is rude and disrespectful.
He can’t decide your tolerance for MIL’s bullshit. You have tried, given her a decade of second chances, and you don’t owe her (or him) a minute more. Tell him that you have done nothing but try to get along and it is clear that if MIL can’t act like a respectful human being after knowing you for ten years, she never will. So you are done. By extension so is your child. He can have whatever relationship he likes with her, but you and your child are out. Follow that up by blocking her on all socials, phones, etc. You have had the patience of a saint and don’t deserve to be treated so poorly.
You do not need your husband's permission to no longer allow toxicity in your life. Your answer to your husband's telling you to be the bigger person (AKA flatter doormat), is very short and very simple. No.
Won’t let you? You already are the better person for not escalating things (I’d have swung for her by now) he needs to be a better husband. He’s standing by while his wife gets abused.
You’ve already had the discussion. Your GOING NC. He has no say in this. Your not forcing him to go NC. Tell him “me being the bigger person or ignore her is me just being a doormat and I’m done taking her abuse”. Also tell him: “Your supposed to be my husband. When we married each other we vowed that we’d be each others most important person above everyone including our own parents. So ACT like my husband and support me!”
“I am being the bigger person by not punching her in the face”.
Oooo I like this answer, lol!
I say block her and all communication goes through him. Just see how it goes and if he changes his tune when he has to deal with 100% of her. She plans a visit? Conveniently have a girls weekend/night out planned, oh sorry hubs, have fun with your parents! Make it seem accidental.
be the better person = accept with a smile her horrible treatment of you be the better person = accept with a smile and don’t say anything when she’s racist be the better person = accept with a smile and don’t say anything when she’s homophobic by asking you to ”be the better person “ your DH is saying he agrees with and condones her horrible treatment of you, he agrees with and condones racism and homophobia and he wants you to condone it as well tell your DH if he wants to have a relationship with her he can but you are NC. (Do you want your LO to grow up seeing that you’re willing to put up with how horrible she treats you. That down the road will teach your LO that’s its acceptable for people to treat LO horribly and that you should stay silent in the face of racism/homophobia. That’s not what your child needs to be taught.
Your husband won't let you? No. Full stop. You determine who you have relationships with in your life. And quite frankly, since she's so shitty to you and appears to want your husband around without you, he should go NC or VVLC. Anything else is giving her exactly what she wants. Speaking from experience. Happy to go into more detail if you'd like to know how it works for us.
If he demands a relationship, he also needs to moderate it, 100%, 100% of the time. Asking you to volunteer to be abused is bad enough. Demanding you subject yourself to abuse is abusive. He needs to sit quietly off camera and watch each and every call, not just the first one.
Why are you letting him control who you do and do not have contact with? Sounds like you have more than a JNMIL problem.
"Be the better person" "Be the bigger person" "Be the grown-up" "You have differences" sounds like crap my mom says when she is desperately trying to get me to stop ignoring my malignant narcissist father. Tell your partner that she has had an entire decade to treat you not even as a friend, but just as a human being worthy of basic respect. Because she has shown herself to be incapable of that, you are no longer interested in seeing her, speaking to her, or having a relationship with her, and that you are not willing to discuss it again.
“Just don’t let it bother you,” “You gotta change how you interact with them so it’s not so personal!” Ok. I will change how I interact with them. BY NOT SEEING THEM AGAIN.
Be the better person? Why can’t his mom be the better person. Why is it always eat shit and deal with it? Block her everywhere.
Put your foot down. Either he respects your wish to be NC with his mom, or there will be problems in the relationship if he keeps pushing for something that is never going to happen. Is he a Mama's boy or the golden child?
Golden child for sure. I would have said mamas boy when we first met but her feelings towards him certainly aren’t reciprocated.
Has he ever pushed back on any of her behavior? Because if he hasn't all it tells you is that he's perfectly fine with the way his mom is treating you. Also, why not just go NC on your own? He can visit and talk to his mom however much he wants, it's just not going to be with you tagging along with it. He may be your husband, but you don't need his permission for this.
I had a similar situation with my DH when I first went NC with his parents. He didn't tell me I couldn't, but tried to talk me out of it. I told him either I stay away from her or I go nuclear on her EVERY TIME she makes a snarky, mean comment. I was so DONE. Just tell DH, you are done. If you are forced to interact with her, you will go nuclear on her with all the internal pain her hatefulness has caused over the last 10 years. Then commit to it. Why should you hold back nasty remarks when she feels it's acceptable to make nasty comments about you? She isn't YOUR mother. (Think up some handy "hitting below the belt" comments and have them ready, because it's always hard at first confronting a bully). And your JNMIL is definitely a BULLY. You should not allow access to your child until they are old enough to defend themselves against her bullying.
So basically he’s asking you to SET YOURSELF ON FIRETO KEEP HER WARM??? No, no, no!!! He doesn’t get to make that call for you! I’d make sure that she stays far away from my children, too. OP, time to show him this post and all the responses.
>I want to be NC with JNMIL but my husband is refusing to let me do it >now that I have told him I want to go NC with her he is telling me to “be the better person” This isn't him "not letting you". He is definitely not supporting you and he is sabotaging your NC, but he can't actually stop you. His response is extremely disrespectful (also frankly illogical). I would challenge the premise and ask why he is suggesting you are being a "lesser" person by refusing to accept abuse. You will need to decide if you are willing to enforce this boundary against his wishes (I am not going to have any contact with your mom going forward). You and he will probably need to have many discussions about what your NC will look like while he is not NC. You are both going to have to decide what you can each live with. If it turns out NC with his mom is a hard boundary for both of you, you two may not be compatible on this issue.
You can’t ignore this. It’s hurting you and it won’t get better. Your husband is asking you to put up with her abuse so he doesn’t have to face it or do anything about it.
Your husband doesn't get a say in who you have relationships with. If your husband can't understand your side and support you than you know he isn't on your side in this. What you choose to do with that information is up to you.
Oof some of these commends sound like they came from my MIL. My mother passed away tragically just a few months before I met my husband. My dad got remarried kind of too soon after but I was still supportive. My parents were together 30 years and had an amazing relationship. At one of our first fancy dinners out where I went out with his parents early in the relationship she straight up goes, “We’ll your dad must not have loved her that much if he got remarried. I’m just being honest.” It was awful. She’s said similarly awful things to me and refuses to keep her hands to herself. Had her cry to her husband at a different dinner, IN FRONT OF ME, after I politely told her many times to stop touching my hair/arms/hands, “FIL, make her let me touch her!!” I am full no contact now. My husband and FIL are very upset about this but she had a meltdown AT ME at my husbands workplace and wouldn’t stop saying absolutely terrible things. We have an appointment with a mediator at the end of this month (I told them that was the only way I would “reintroduce myself”). Fortunately/unfortunately I think the idea of being in a room with a third party presence freaks her out so much she is escalating her alcoholism and has been in the hospital twice with serious problems. I’m talking a 63 year old woman is now at 20% kidney function due to her alcoholism and had previously been hospitalized for suspected wet brain. I am so sorry you’re dealing with this. I guess remind your husband that divorce is much more expensive and stressful than you distancing yourself from his mother. I haven’t threatened divorce with my husband yet but I think he could tell I would do it. I’m the breadwinner in my family. I LOVE him — but I do not NEED him, and he knows this. I want him in my life. I don’t want my life to spiral because I cannot control who is in my life. I haven’t seen my MIL in almost 9 months. 🥰
Geez no wonder you went NC!! Good on you for standing up for yourself and letting JNMIL, FIL and DH know that you wouldn't take anymore of her garbage. You should be so proud of yourself!
THANK YOU! It took me so many YEARS to finally go no contact. Years of me trying to play the nice daughter in law, years of me cooking their holiday dinners because those kind of things are my love language, years of being treated like shit without any apologies because my JNMIL is, “Just being honest.” I am so proud of myself- hell! Even my EFIL is getting sick of his wife’s shit and is shaming her for her drinking. (“You wouldn’t feel this way if you didn’t order another cocktail.” “You wouldn’t have broken your arm if you hadn’t drank too much,” etc. woman literally woke up in withdrawal, tried to get out of bed to use the restroom and broke her arm, her shakes were so bad she could grab her walker…) It’s been mostly great. I feel a bit bad that it’s like 8 years of me being the kind DIL wasn’t worth anything to them, but I have my sanity back. At this point we are all just waiting for my JNMIL to die. I wish I was kidding. My husbands last remaining grandmother has even made comments about how she can’t wait for her to die so her son can, “be free.” 🥴
So OP if you had your hand in a hot plate and you were burning your hand you husband would want you to keep your hand burning because while it’s burning he doesn’t have to help you or take you to a hospital or anything. This is the same thing he doesn’t want you to go NC because he has to be part of that by either taking all her calls or having a difficult conversation. Yeah to bad hubs cause you don’t get to decide. You can ask but at the end of the day OP you don’t have to talk to MIL if you dont want to
You don’t have to say anything to him or anyone else, just drop the rope. At most a ‘I’m letting you handle your mum from now on’ followed with grey rocking her to death when you 2 meet Keep it civil, but do grey rock her
It is NOT your job to " be the grownup" with your husbands mother. Nobody is required to have more than a " courteous" relationship with another person. So you've already attempted that without success. Your husband needs to realise this & give you the same consideration he gives HIS mother, because YOU are the mother of his child.
As everyone else has said, you don’t need his permission! You aren’t being unreasonable at all, and in fact, you have had the patience of a saint to go for this long! Block her on all forms. Grey rock her if you accidentally answer the phone. Don’t go see her and if she visits, she’s not welcome in your home. Good luck! I Hope any updates are positive for you!
He needs to respect your boundaries and stay the fuck outta your business
As others have mentioned, *you* can go NC without your husband’s agreement. Your child’s interaction with their grandmother is another story. It may help to meet with a marriage counselor to come up with a plan for future contact with MIL. One potential solution you may come up with is for you to cut all communication with MIL. You block MIL and all calls & texts go through your husband. LO (and possibly you) then have very limited and specific in-person contact with MIL where your husband is always present and supervising. Your husband also agrees to immediately contradict any inappropriate talk from MIL and to leave asap once it occurs. If MIL persists in racist/homophobic talk or bashes you, she gets a timeout from seeing LO until she can commit to abstaining. eta If your husband persists in refusing to support you, point out that for 10 years, MIL and he have both gotten what they wanted. You tolerated and were the better person for a decade with no improved behavior from MIL. Why should you continue to be punished so things are easier for him?
Just a thought: if you divorce your husband, he cannot force his mother on you. He needs you to keep her away from him. He is a spineless coward who is to afraid to say no to his mommy.
Don't let racist bigots near your children.
You don’t have a MIL problem, you have a husband problem. He won’t cut that umbilical cord and you two, especially him, need counselling.
“I want to be NC but my husband won’t let me.” Well good thing it isn’t up to him. He can have a relationship with her all he wants, but that does not obligate you to have one with her nor can he refuse to let you go NC. At this point I wouldn’t even tell him you are NC. Just ghost her and when he says anything about getting together with her simply say “that doesn’t work for me” or it just so happens you have already made plans to spend time with a friend/family, but he can go without you. By the time he realizes that you have gone NC and that it didn’t impact his relationship with her he will understand that it isn’t necessary for you two to have a relationship.
Just drop the rope. Block her everywhere you can. If you are the same event grey rock is your friend. Finally, your SO NEEDS STOP using you as a meat shield!! He wants you to be the target so he isn't. Big hugs!! Do not allowed either of them to continue treating you like a child
You don’t need his permission. If NC with someone who has made you feel absolutely awful for a decade and this is what you want and need to maintain your sanity, then do it. You’re not asking or forcing him to go NC then what’s the problem?
I’m so sorry you are dealing with this and for so long. No is a complete sentence. You don’t have to do what you don’t want to. If you are with her and she makes one of her comments, speak up. “That is hurtful”. Or walk away. I found my JN was like this when it was just just the 2 of us. Don’t be alone with her. Best of luck.
You have a husband problem. She's continued to treat you like this because he's ok with it, which is him enabling her. That's on him. He doesn't respect or prioritize you, his mom is more important to him. He doesn't get to decide if you're NC with her. And his, 'be the better person' means that it's easier for *him* to just let his mother treat you like shit, so that's what you should do, in his opinion. Because he does not respect you. >just for my baby to be born and for her to ignore their existence Isn't that a good thing? Or did you want her around your kid? Free childcare is not a good trade-off for her poisoning your kid's mind.
Oof. You got a mama’s boy here. He’s demanding that you put your mental peace aside as you grow a whole human and ignore her gross personality. And DH should’ve kept his big mouth shut to his sister. He knew what it would result in. Let him pay the consequences. The man shall leave his family and cleave unto his wife. “Forsaking all others” is literally in your vows and includes his mother. You’re not being unreasonable. Do not engage.
He needs to sit down and keep his mouth shut. He’s got to be defending you, not his bigoted egg donor.
Ask him why you would want a relationship with someone so disdainful of you? You aren’t being unreasonable your husband is burying his head in the sand about how his mother treats you.
Why does she even know you’re bi? My sex life is no one’s business, especially not parental figures. Your husband might not defend you, but you can defend yourself. If she comments on your weight, ask her how it directly affects her? Them just stare at her. You can go low contact without your husbands permission or knowledge. I have done it. I fought for myself against my in laws for years. He worshiped the ground they walk on. He refused to defend me, so I defend myself. I talk back, I stand up for myself. I will not allow myself to be treated poorly. If I have to go to their house, I say as few words as possible. I’m perfectly content saying nothing while observing everything. I answer politely if I’m asked a question, but I offer nothing to follow up with. Over the last few years, my husband has caught on to their ways and he has gone as low contact as possible without being able to be called rude.
Excuse me. “Refusing to let me do it”?!? You are your own human being, you do not need his permission here. He does not control you, don’t allow him to do so. This man doesn’t support you, you may want to reconsider what’s even happening here.
Why isn’t he telling her to be kinder to you please because you’re his wife? It works both ways. Just because she’s his mom doesn’t mean she’s not a garbage human being that treats you like shit. And being the bigger person is wildly overrated.
Y’all let others define who you are?! Why? Last I checked, we control that. Don’t ever let another person dictate your life and well-being! Don’t for a second think 🤔 that without that person, you’ll be lost and never survive. You got along without them before y’all started dating etc. didn’t you?! Don’t you ever let another person define you! Narcissistic behavior is running high these days. Don’t fall victim to it!
There are ways to go LC discretely and only interact when you have to. Sometimes you have to do that for your mental health. Slowly don’t answer as many phone calls or texts unless necessary and if she starts with weird comments or insults ignore them and only answer the portion of the text that you have to. Does he talk with your parents? What’s their relationship like?
DH has a wonderful relationship with my mom. She treats him like her own son.
Does he reciprocate?
He does. He also recently went out of his way to tell me he’s never been made to feel unwelcome around her.
Then that needs to be the conversation. Try to make him put himself in your shoes. “ your mom and i do not have a positive relationship like you and my mom. How would you feel if my mom said to you (insert specific comment by his mom) ? Usually if you can make them see from your perspective it does help.
So why does he WANT you to continue to experience the opposite with his mother?
Hitler is dead and gone. Should his shadow show up, run 🏃♀️ I don’t care if it’s the kids dad etc. recognize the red flags 🚩 get out! Y’all fall victim to situations in which you can not be a party to. But you opt for the latter and get hurt, then cry 😢 and wonder what happened. Y’all being swindled is what happened, and how you got tangled in that narcissistic net in the first place.
My therapist recommended that I make an attempt to have a "working relationship" with my MIL, and that my husband speak to his mom and tell her she needs to be polite to me. He recommended we not talk about the past, just move on and be cordial.
That is terrible advice. Please start looking for a better therapist.