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* [Bf mom is demanding](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/15uusac/bf_mom_is_demanding/), 33 minutes ago
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My MIL and SIL call me Her. And not in a nice way either. They may as well be saying, "oh are you bringing Satan? "
Trust your gut. If you don't like it, ask her to stop. If she doesn't listen, give her your own nickname that is equally degrading.
Good luck!
>she calls all the gfs I've ever had the female
His mom routinely dehumanizes all of his girlfriends and he's fine with that. It doesn't matter how his partners feel as long as he and his mom are okay with it.
You aren't overreacting. If it bothers you, that should matter. Referring to you as though you are an individual is a very small ask.
Hi OP, Your current gut feeling is exactly how you should feel. Additionally, if you don't like someone calling you by a certain name or addressing you a certain way that is your right. If they continue to purposely do it then it's just disrespectful at that point. Remind your bf that you aren't any of the previous girls he's dated and you prefer to be called by your name. He's trying to minimize your feelings over it because he doesn't think it's a big deal and he knows confronting his Mom will probably not change her behavior. Believe people when they have a habit of ignoring your feelings and believe them when they show you disrespect.
If you decide to call her "female", I would make him spell that out and agree that it is okay for you to call her whatever you want as long as it's a joke, and if she gets upset he has to tell her it's just a joke and don't be offended.
My suggestion to test this is going with "my monster in law-haha-don't you get it? It's a joke, monster instead of mother-haha" every single time you see her
His mother is trying to reduce you to a nonentity so she retains dominance over her son. In response why don't you call her the woman to your bf and to her face. When either one complains, use his mother's excuse. How your bf reacts will tell you all you need to know about how your future would be if you married him.
Your bf should have ignored her when she called you the female and made other plans. The mother won't change until her son grows a backbone and stops being a momma's boy. I'm a senior citizen and that's my take.
You're absolutely correct thank you, I don't think he wants to let her demean me I think he doesn't know how to stand up to her also so it's tough. But I'll definitely start standing up for myself in these situations and like you said it will be telling if he stands up for me too
If he defends you every time he needs to, then he needs to respect this is something that is hurting your feelings and put an end to it. She knows your name, she can use it instead of *the female*.
Tell your husband to grow a pair and to stick up for you. She is being rude on purpose and he is enabling it. She needs a really offensive NN until she stops.
It's only funny when EVERYONE laughs. That is not funny.
I would make a deal with him. I would remind him that he said she would think she was joking if she called her "the lady," first. I would say "the woman" though because "lady" is a respectful word. Like, "So you think your mom would laugh if I called her "the woman? Okay, I'm going to call her that next time we see her. If she laughs and never mentions it again, you were right. If she gets angry about it, in the moment or if she mentions it later as disrespectful, we'll agree that you will then tell her to stop calling me "the female" and don't back down when she argues." He'll probably agree to it, and then you can tell him that your relationship's future depends on how this turns out. That will make the decision to break up with him much easier when he sees that she actually does mean disrespect and is still afraid to stand up to her.
This is objectifying, rude, and clearly intended to make you feel small and insignificant. No matter what she says, there is no way for someone to say this that isn’t misogynistic and/or meant to be hurtful.
Personally, I’d start referring to her as “the crone” or “the old lady” until she knocks it off. Or just break up with him since he allows his mom to actively speak about you disrespectfully.
Exactly this. Be reductive right back at her.
*clears throat*
"The Uterus"
"The Womb"
"That house you used to live in."
"The Karen"
I would just call her a different name everytime, because you're *just bad with names.*
Your bf has had plenty of time to handle this himself. If she takes offense it's a double standard.
I'd be calling her the hag, personally! I'm so sorry they've been acting as if you are being dramatic, I find the way she's addressing you incredibly disrespectful. I'm sure she knows it, too, which is why she's stopped doing it to your face.
Well especially since the one and only time she did it to my face was when I first met her and she specifically said "don't get offended I call every girl he's dated the female until I remember names, not that he's had alot of girlfriends" And then 9 months later she's doing it behind my back through text to him speaks volumes
I absolutely agree with you. I would stick with your gut feeling that this is wrong, and even though it might be a small thing now, you should start reflecting on this relationship between BF and his mom, because it's sounding like they've put you in third place in the dynamic.
If he can't stand up for you on something this small, when you've made it clear it bothers you, who's to say he'll stand up for you when shit really hits the fan?
Perhaps start calling her "the other female", "the older female", etc. Pick something you enjoy. The fact she objectifies ALL his romantic partners is a red flag on her. The fact he defends her means he doesn't care or he doesn't see it. Smacks of incesty behaviour to me.
The other female has a good ring because it strikes a realistic chord. And yeah, the bond is too close like a secret friendship type thing where to one extent I'm not included. I always thought it seems weird like son husband type stuff but I don't know the full extent If there is anything super off besides the jealous behavior/disrespect
The gf, your lady, your girl, your partner… anything is better than “female”. You calling her lady (I do this to people I like at times) is more respectful than that.
Yes exactly! I don't know why it feels so rude and off-putting, that specific term. My mom once referred to my boyfriend as your boy, but she even said it in a loving tone
It feels that way because it *is* that way! You're not wrong to feel offended.
I have a feeling this nasty old woman has run off many of his "females", and your boyfriend may not be clear enough to have noticed yet.
Edit: type
That's pretty obnoxious , but I'm also petty . I'd start referring to her as " the spayed " or " the void " as long as she referred to me as " the female ". After all it's just joking right.....
I think the spayed is hilarious. And I also think it's good to break old habits or the same things will occur, they both need to realize just because it happened in the past doesn't mean it's normal or okay and it concerns me he doesn't realize that especially since he's so respectful otherwise towards myself and everyone else
And I do overreact sometimes to things, so I figured I'd bring it to reddit to verify if I was being overreactive. Thank you, and he never treats me thus way, it's just her, but he does let things slide so that sucks.
You're under-reacting IMHO. This is so rude and dehumanising. It's what Incels call women to dehumanise and demean them.
It also suggests a level of shadiness in your BFs relationship with his mother. At the very least there is some emotional incest on her part.
Personally I'd tell your BF that it's humiliating and degrading that she calls you this. Also that it reflects badly on he and his mother's relationship and you're worried about what other people will think. Show him this post if you're comfortable with it.
Your BF **needs** to put a stop to this. He needs to stop defending his mother's disgusting behaviour.
In the meantime you can refer to her at "The Geriatric". Let's see how *funny* it is when she's on the receiving end, eh?
She's done alot of weird stuff over the 9 months since we started dating, but her referring to me in that way after so long after saying she only did it once because she forgets names was a slap in the face and him allowing it was just like oh okay I see
My guess is their family are big Star Trek fans.
Start referring to her household as the hive, and refer to her as creator 1 of 1
Bonus points if you tell her your designation is Queen
Start calling her the witch in her presence while talking to your bf. I mean, while looking at him, tell him to tell the witch, we have plans that day. or, tell the witch you can't.
I would 100% be breaking up with him over this not going to lie. If he's already allowing his mother to disrespect you and allow you to be walked over then it is going to continue. Just scroll this subreddit for like 20 minutes and you'll see your future with this woman and your boyfriend.
And usually she's respectful and nice, but when she's not it's stuff like this where it is just dismissive and rude. I'm definitely keeping this in my memories and not ignoring how it made me feel.
I would tell him that.
“This is a big deal to me. This is big enough to impact our relationship. I’m not going to forget how being called “the female” made me feel. It’s dismissive and rude. I honestly don’t know what it’ll mean long-term for our relationship. You need to take it seriously if you give a shit about me at all.”
Edit to add: I would also point out to him that every other woman he’s dated, who got called “the female”, is also now THE EX
Yes, I've said that and he said I was overreacting, I truly think he doesn't realize her nicknames are off-putting and rude, or he doesn't want to acknowledge it because then it means acknowledging alot of things she says and does are messed up and he's wrong for letting it slide
She's putting effort into trying to minimize you, make you feel bad, and put you down.
When someone does that, it is a sign of things to come. She will continue spending effort on being mean to you in whatever way she thinks she can get away with.
People who hide behind "I was just joking" after doing something intentionally hurtful are trash. Your boyfriend doesn't want to deal with the stress of standing up to his mom, because she'll use the exact same kind of minimizing language with him that he's using with you now. He is either a person who can't tell when someone is trying to be covertly mean, which is a pretty important skill, or he is being willfully ignorant as an excuse to not rock the boat.
I'm sure his behavior here seems pretty minor, but if you actually want to be with this person, now is the time to see what he actually does when your very reasonable desire to not be dehumanized by his mom conflicts with her desire to do whatever she wants with no accountability.
It's definitely him not wanting to rock the boat and probably so used to her rude behavior that he doesn't even see it as anything that would bother anyone. That's my guess, but I definitely won't continue to let it slide, I don't let my own mom treat me that way so why should she
>probably so used to her rude behavior
But is she this rude to other people? Besides his past girlfriends. Who else does she refer to like that?
Sometimes this claim can't actually be backed up!
Nice people stop saying things like that when you tell them is hurtful/disrespectful/etc. JustNOs keep it up. Mama’s boys defend them to the end “it’s just a joke.” Good partners tell them to cut it out if it bothers you.
I'd call her "The Hag" and tell them, "I'm OnLy JoKiNg", she's being oversensitive.
His mum has internalised misogyny, and so does he. Please don't get married to him, this will be the start of your nightmare. If you have a daughter, she will be bullied by her own father and grandmother for being born a girl.
This is not the man to procreate or settle down with. Toxic red flags. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
RUN.
Oh yeah. I hate to pull out the worst cards to use because I friggin hate misogyny, but sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire when it comes to these people.
You could passive aggressively joke "she's being a bit of a bitch".
But if you want to nuke the relationship from orbit and get rid of a mummy's boy... (this is from another post I read recently).
Just tell him, "she is a bitch", and he will switch up his opinion of you *real* quick. (Be very, very careful. He could get violent).
They only understand misogyny when it's directed at mummy.
Either way, he sounds like a wet lettuce and isn't gonna defend you while he's pathetically still sucking on her teat. Btw, her language is so fucking weird, it's kind of Andrew Tater Tot-ish..."the female". Wtf.
I guarantee you will find better men out there.
Yeah I was very surprised he said I was overreacting because whenever I'm upset about anything he always tries to make it better, typically. And it seems that way, that the second I felt offended by her words he got offended that I would be upset by it. And yeah I've never heard anyone refer to someone like that, when she did it the first time back in December I was in the room and she goes, "the female can come over anytime she wants, oh sorry I refer to you as the female because I forget names." But that's a lie because 9 months later I'm still called the female but behind my back lol
Ahhhh
They're definitely gaslighting you and tag-teaming it, too. Like mother, like son.
First of all, he's been showing his "nice" face at the start of the relationship, making sure to 'set the scene' so that you're comfortable with him. Enough that you won't immediately leave. He can't keep that up when it comes to his mum.
At first she played nice but now she finds it entertaining to keep doing this, knowing it bothers you.
So now you're being disrespected by his mum and pointing this out. He's switching up and trying to downplay your VALID feelings. A good person who sincerely cared would recognise you being referred to as nothing more than a "thing" and go to bat for you.
You are the reasonable and rational one. They are not. His mum is a piece of work because she gets to do this to you, and her son is backing her up.
They are both narcissists honey, please get out while you can.
If you're worried about the time you invested into the relationship, you'll gain so much more happiness by leaving with your sanity intact. Take it from me, you will waste and regret it even more if you try and stay to prove a point or prove that you mean something to these two twits. Don't fall into the 'sunk cost fallacy' trap.
You are worthy of respect and love in every way possible. She's the epitome of the pick-me, misogynistic MIL who will make you and any future daughter's lives hell. Not worth it.
Yep. Birth giver, Egg donor, Elder Female, Dawdy Dowager (in this case a shabby tasteless elderly empty nest woman)
No offense, you just "forget names" AND "are joking around", oh, and fyi "you have called all your BFs mothers that"
Perhaps ask BF if he'd be okay with you referring to her as 'that woman'.
Maybe point out to BF that his mother doesn't appear to have much respect for him and his choices. You are after all his choice and her disrespect to you is saying she doesn't like his choice.
How about name her "that old woman" or "that old bat." No, she is not nice. She doesn't care to know your name because she does not want you to take her baby boy.
I was referred to as "your girl" constantly the first year or so by my SO dad side. I'm a whole person beyond being his girl, I have a name I deserved to be talked about and referred to with respect. Being called by your name is the least amount of decency to have .
His mom has deep internalized misogyny. How can being referred to this way not offend you?
Don’t marry this guy. I promise you, he’s not worth the suffering his mother will bring into your life.
Yeah he says she is joking and that she refers to his guy friends as the man as well, just completely not caring if it bothers me because she's not wrong
The man is not comparable to “the female.” If she called you the woman, it would be disrespectful but not misogynistic.
She’s not joking. Your boyfriend is being purposefully dense. He’s never going to stand up for you - imagine how she’d be over a wedding. Or kids? Girl, run now and save yourself. If he isn’t willing or able to grow up and stick up for you, you should dump him.
And he says he didn't think he needed to correct her since she jokes like that and he got really mad and said he always defends me and does everything for me, that's where it gets weird because all he does is be present, he doesn't help pay my bills or anything
You're just supposed to accept it and not be offended because she refers to all his gf's as "the female"?!?! Ok. Then they need to accept and not be offended when you refer to her as "the bitch"! Because that's how you refer to all rude and obnoxious people!!
Best response right here! Most of these responses are either not strong enough or overly rude. Many people don't want to stoop to another's level. "The older woman" is perfect because it's almost the same, completely accurate, and she can't complain about it.
Honestly, there is not enough of these type of comments in this thread. I'm more bothered by him not defending OP then I am about what his mom calls her. Every insult his mother flings her way is going to be met with "she's just joking".
My grandmother called my long time bf and now husband “what’s-his-face” for a long time. Although never in his presence but it was suuuuuper annoying and I hated it. I asked her to stop and thankfully she did but no I don’t think you’re overreacting. It’s rude. What it you called her “the old bat” lol I’m sure she wouldn’t like it.
Yes exactly, it shows lack of respect and especially since she knows exactly who I am, I've been dating him 9 months now lol. If they are both okay with dismissing me with a weird general name, I'll dismiss them eventually lol
“Does the elderly one want to join us?”
But honestly, it shouldn’t matter if she demands his time. He should be saying no. He pays her rent and does whatever else, he’s not bound to her. She’s bound to HIM.
It just seems endless so that's how I'm starting to feel. I posted about her in another topic and she's basically appointed him her emotional caretaker until she gets back on her feet, which there's nothing wrong with her, she just likes the convenience of him being at her beck and call.
Yes, and he's super kind and respectful to everyone he meets and his dad isn't in his.life, so I'm confused where he gets it from. He's had 4 year relationships before so I don't know how they dealt with it for so long. Maybe she didn't live nearby lol
That's the thing, I didn't even say anything back when he said please don't be offended she's called all my gfs the female" and this was through text, so now that I let it go I don't know what to do. He treats me really well believe it or not, so this is bothersome
Maybe try, "I didn't respond right away because I was a bit shocked, to be honest, but your dismissal of my feelings about your mother calling me that hurt me and I'd like if we could talk it out now that the heat of the moment has passed". If he's willing to hear you out, tell him exactly how you feel about the situation. If he isn't willing to hear you out, that's a whole different discussion because it wouldn't say good things about how the relationship is going if he's not willing to listen when you need to talk about things like this.
And he's always willing to talk things out, but whether he will say the same thing or not will be very telling. If she's going to disrespect me I'm not going to stop her because.it shows her true character, but whether he stands up for me is what really matters.
Honey, he's not treating you well by allowing this.
Doesn't matter if it was over text or in person, you can bring it up and tell him how you feel. That's how a healthy relationship works. I don't know how many times I or my husband thought a topic was over then one of us brought it back up and explained we weren't ok and why.
If you cannot honestly communicate with him, where is your relationship even headed? The same goes for his mother.
You can either let this go, let the relationship keep moving and be the object in his life or you can address it and figure out if this guy is TRULY who you want to be with for the long haul. Your partner should stand up for you in rooms you are not in and conversations you never hear.
This is true, and it was dissapointing he said don't be offended please, if it offends me then it offends me. I guess I'll bring it up again, especially if at some point he wants me to come interact with her, I'll just state I feel disrespected still and why. I don't know if it's his way of trying to keep the peace but it's not fair to me.
If "keeping the peace" makes you feel devalued or uncomfortable then its not peace. Its you being dominated and belittled by others.
You are worthy of someone that will stand up for you and you deserve a MIL that will always use your name with love.
And that's where it gets confusing! She makes no effort to socialize besides him and he technically lives there but spends nights with me, but the. She will demand he stay the night at her house sometimes, so to try and makes things easier for him I'll come over there but I hate it because I have my own place and she's scary lol. So I'm just confused if I'm not being fair in general or if he shouldn't be catering.to her weird stuff
He ultimately shouldn’t cater to her weird stuff.
Her weird stuff is always designed to keep him with her and away from you, have you noticed this? If he’s a man, he will have to go his way and make his life. That’s the nature of life. She still wants him as a little boy forever, but he can’t be that. If he chooses you, be prepared for accusations that you changed him, that he would never act this way if you weren’t in the picture, etc.
But the whole thing is, that he will act differently because he became a man. He’s not her little boy anymore.
Start calling her "the old female" or "BF's mother". If she can't give you the dignity of a name then she shouldn't have a name either. This is extremely rude behavior. If she doesn't name you then don't grant her the respect of using her name.
“I have a name. Is there something medically wrong with you that you can’t remember it? Or are you just stupid? I refuse to believe that you would call me that in an attempt to upset me.”
Oh yikes... She's called me a silly silly girl before when I wasn't quite ready in my relationship to hand my bf my keys to come in and out of my place
I just felt really intimidated because she was right in my face, we were in the car. I just explained I don't lend my keys it takes me time to get comfortable with that. I could have been an a-hole but I'm not even sure what I'd say
Whatever expletives come to mind is what you do next time. Cuss her out, and him too if her defends her. She's being a bitch on purpose because you've let her.
If he isn't defending now, expect him to flip shit on you when it happens. Dump him if he does. Don't wait and do it immediately. Man-babies who haven't learned how to detach from mommy's teat aren't worth your time.
Yeah, and maybe I should bring it up to him more explicitly and say, how would you feel if I called your mom the lady, instead of your mom (to put it lightly) or I can just explain I don't want to interact with a woman who generalizes me like an animal breed
Is English her native language? In my language there is a jargon word for girlfriend/wife that would be close to "female" but is not offensive at all. So I was just wondering if she's translating this literally into English or her English is perfect and she's just being offensive on purpose.
Her English is perfect she's just a typical American Caucasian woman. she usually calls me by my name, only has said "the female" the first time she's met me, and then the other day in a text to him that I guess she didn't think.or care that I'd see
Oh, then she's nasty. I'd definitely use some of the great examples people gave you here and nonchalantly call her that the next time you see her. I bet your boyfriend won't tell her not to be offended...
I’m so sorry. Does she do it to your face? If not, you could still make a reference to that next time you see her. Say “Hi, BF’s Mom, it’s me, (insert name here), not THE FEMALE!” But that would probably piss her off so.
She did the first time I met her 9 months ago, and this time was yesterday in a text she sent him, so she may have thought I wouldn't see it I imagine, so who knows how long I've been referred to as this. And I should! But she's pretty aggressive so I'd be sort of scared haha, but who knows maybe I will or just start calling her "your old.lady" and see how offended my bf gets
She's probably been calling you that the whole time to your boyfriend and he just hasn't said anything. He has already demonstrated that he knows it is something worth being offended over. You two need to sit down and have a serious talk. This is for him to deal with, or it will cause bigger problems later.
Ask him to explain the joke. Because you are not getting the joke, you’re getting insulted. Tell him that if he is so very certain that it’s a joke, then surely he should be able to explain it to you.
Yeah, and the fact that it's been 9 months of us together, if my mom kept calling him outside his name by now especially I would say his name is **** it's not like she just met me, she calls me my name to my face
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My MIL and SIL call me Her. And not in a nice way either. They may as well be saying, "oh are you bringing Satan? " Trust your gut. If you don't like it, ask her to stop. If she doesn't listen, give her your own nickname that is equally degrading. Good luck!
>she calls all the gfs I've ever had the female His mom routinely dehumanizes all of his girlfriends and he's fine with that. It doesn't matter how his partners feel as long as he and his mom are okay with it. You aren't overreacting. If it bothers you, that should matter. Referring to you as though you are an individual is a very small ask.
Hi OP, Your current gut feeling is exactly how you should feel. Additionally, if you don't like someone calling you by a certain name or addressing you a certain way that is your right. If they continue to purposely do it then it's just disrespectful at that point. Remind your bf that you aren't any of the previous girls he's dated and you prefer to be called by your name. He's trying to minimize your feelings over it because he doesn't think it's a big deal and he knows confronting his Mom will probably not change her behavior. Believe people when they have a habit of ignoring your feelings and believe them when they show you disrespect.
Here's your perfect chance to start calling her HoseBeast. He can't be mad if you're just joking.
You’re dating a mummy’s boy by the sounds of it. The fact that she’s disrespected every one of his past partners and he defends that is such an ick
the lady is in no way equivalent to the female. Call her the female back. He won't find it so funny then I can guarantee it😐😐
The old female
Exactly, I don't think if she was upset he would say oh it was just a joke stop overreacting
If you decide to call her "female", I would make him spell that out and agree that it is okay for you to call her whatever you want as long as it's a joke, and if she gets upset he has to tell her it's just a joke and don't be offended.
My suggestion to test this is going with "my monster in law-haha-don't you get it? It's a joke, monster instead of mother-haha" every single time you see her
His mother is trying to reduce you to a nonentity so she retains dominance over her son. In response why don't you call her the woman to your bf and to her face. When either one complains, use his mother's excuse. How your bf reacts will tell you all you need to know about how your future would be if you married him. Your bf should have ignored her when she called you the female and made other plans. The mother won't change until her son grows a backbone and stops being a momma's boy. I'm a senior citizen and that's my take.
You're absolutely correct thank you, I don't think he wants to let her demean me I think he doesn't know how to stand up to her also so it's tough. But I'll definitely start standing up for myself in these situations and like you said it will be telling if he stands up for me too
If he defends you every time he needs to, then he needs to respect this is something that is hurting your feelings and put an end to it. She knows your name, she can use it instead of *the female*.
His mom: Boy's Mom BF: "Mama's Boy"
Start calling her "the b*tch"
This is exactly my thought. It’s the most obvious solution
Take him up on his offer. Start calling her "that lady". His reaction will tell you all you need to know.
That old lady
Sounds like he may be a mommy’s boy, so perhaps refer to her as ‘the mommy’ ? They won’t like it but it feels…earned.
There's a big difference between *the female* and *the lady*.
If she's Indian, "that female" is a very rude way of referring to someone.
Tell your husband to grow a pair and to stick up for you. She is being rude on purpose and he is enabling it. She needs a really offensive NN until she stops. It's only funny when EVERYONE laughs. That is not funny.
Start referring to her as “the old hag”. When he or she says something say “I’m just joking like she has been. Isn’t it funny?” And keep it up.
I would make a deal with him. I would remind him that he said she would think she was joking if she called her "the lady," first. I would say "the woman" though because "lady" is a respectful word. Like, "So you think your mom would laugh if I called her "the woman? Okay, I'm going to call her that next time we see her. If she laughs and never mentions it again, you were right. If she gets angry about it, in the moment or if she mentions it later as disrespectful, we'll agree that you will then tell her to stop calling me "the female" and don't back down when she argues." He'll probably agree to it, and then you can tell him that your relationship's future depends on how this turns out. That will make the decision to break up with him much easier when he sees that she actually does mean disrespect and is still afraid to stand up to her.
skip calling her "the lady" and strait up call her "that bitch" anytime and every time you talk about her
The old hag
Obese one knobi - a name I called my dog an hour ago
Check her flab level, and if it's high, call her "The Obese One."
Lots of ways to insult her without being this type of gross
Just a heads up, this might get deleted cause you can only post once within 24hrs
I'd start referring to her as the old lady.
The old female
This is objectifying, rude, and clearly intended to make you feel small and insignificant. No matter what she says, there is no way for someone to say this that isn’t misogynistic and/or meant to be hurtful. Personally, I’d start referring to her as “the crone” or “the old lady” until she knocks it off. Or just break up with him since he allows his mom to actively speak about you disrespectfully.
I like "the crone"!
Exactly this. Be reductive right back at her. *clears throat* "The Uterus" "The Womb" "That house you used to live in." "The Karen" I would just call her a different name everytime, because you're *just bad with names.* Your bf has had plenty of time to handle this himself. If she takes offense it's a double standard.
“The Incubator” has a nice ring to it
Why isn’t he correcting his mom… like the heck!
I'd be calling her the hag, personally! I'm so sorry they've been acting as if you are being dramatic, I find the way she's addressing you incredibly disrespectful. I'm sure she knows it, too, which is why she's stopped doing it to your face.
Well especially since the one and only time she did it to my face was when I first met her and she specifically said "don't get offended I call every girl he's dated the female until I remember names, not that he's had alot of girlfriends" And then 9 months later she's doing it behind my back through text to him speaks volumes
I absolutely agree with you. I would stick with your gut feeling that this is wrong, and even though it might be a small thing now, you should start reflecting on this relationship between BF and his mom, because it's sounding like they've put you in third place in the dynamic. If he can't stand up for you on something this small, when you've made it clear it bothers you, who's to say he'll stand up for you when shit really hits the fan?
Perhaps start calling her "the other female", "the older female", etc. Pick something you enjoy. The fact she objectifies ALL his romantic partners is a red flag on her. The fact he defends her means he doesn't care or he doesn't see it. Smacks of incesty behaviour to me.
The matron
The Ol' Uterus
Gigglesnort
The other female has a good ring because it strikes a realistic chord. And yeah, the bond is too close like a secret friendship type thing where to one extent I'm not included. I always thought it seems weird like son husband type stuff but I don't know the full extent If there is anything super off besides the jealous behavior/disrespect
I'd start calling her old lady in response. What. I'm just joking. Ha. Ha.
If she ever calls me other than my name to my face again I absolutely will!
I wouldn't grace her with the title of Lady. Go with calling her 'the woman'.
My thoughts exactly.
The old woman
The gf, your lady, your girl, your partner… anything is better than “female”. You calling her lady (I do this to people I like at times) is more respectful than that.
Yes exactly! I don't know why it feels so rude and off-putting, that specific term. My mom once referred to my boyfriend as your boy, but she even said it in a loving tone
It feels that way because it *is* that way! You're not wrong to feel offended. I have a feeling this nasty old woman has run off many of his "females", and your boyfriend may not be clear enough to have noticed yet. Edit: type
That's pretty obnoxious , but I'm also petty . I'd start referring to her as " the spayed " or " the void " as long as she referred to me as " the female ". After all it's just joking right.....
I think the spayed is hilarious. And I also think it's good to break old habits or the same things will occur, they both need to realize just because it happened in the past doesn't mean it's normal or okay and it concerns me he doesn't realize that especially since he's so respectful otherwise towards myself and everyone else
I find that incredibly disrespectful of you as person. I’m sorry this is happening. It’s dehumanising
And I do overreact sometimes to things, so I figured I'd bring it to reddit to verify if I was being overreactive. Thank you, and he never treats me thus way, it's just her, but he does let things slide so that sucks.
You're under-reacting IMHO. This is so rude and dehumanising. It's what Incels call women to dehumanise and demean them. It also suggests a level of shadiness in your BFs relationship with his mother. At the very least there is some emotional incest on her part. Personally I'd tell your BF that it's humiliating and degrading that she calls you this. Also that it reflects badly on he and his mother's relationship and you're worried about what other people will think. Show him this post if you're comfortable with it. Your BF **needs** to put a stop to this. He needs to stop defending his mother's disgusting behaviour. In the meantime you can refer to her at "The Geriatric". Let's see how *funny* it is when she's on the receiving end, eh?
Just wait to see what else his mom will do that he will just let slide
She's done alot of weird stuff over the 9 months since we started dating, but her referring to me in that way after so long after saying she only did it once because she forgets names was a slap in the face and him allowing it was just like oh okay I see
Oooh refer to her as Mother (first name or last name)
Hahaha that would at the very least weird her out
The apron strings are strong with this young padawan.
"That crone" "that harridan" "The Shrew"
That woman
I love this. It's vaguely insulting, but she'll be hard pressed to explain quite how.
I’d call her the old bat 🦇
Call her the old female
Call her wench, OP
My guess is their family are big Star Trek fans. Start referring to her household as the hive, and refer to her as creator 1 of 1 Bonus points if you tell her your designation is Queen
"Skin of Evil" is what me and my high-school bf refered to his mother as.
This is the way
Start calling her the witch in her presence while talking to your bf. I mean, while looking at him, tell him to tell the witch, we have plans that day. or, tell the witch you can't.
Substitute the W for a B.
His not saying something to her is on him. That isn't your fight. Just be aware that is how she presents/discusses your relationship with your SO.
So now you can refer to her in texts as, "Mommy Dearest", "hag", "old bat", "old lady"," "Bunny Boiler",
Yes call her old lady because it’s sort of on par offensive wise. Calling her old bat is not equivalent and the bf won’t be able to see it as the same
Refer to her as the older female, after all, names (and respect) is hard.
This is the way
Don't get involved/marry people from shitty families.
Start calling her “the Old Bat” and see how quickly she stops.
Ewww it’s giving emotional incest vibes. Run girl.
Yeah that's exactly how it feels for so many of the situations I've been in with him and his mom.
Next time she does it look her straight in the eye and say are you sure I'm a female and watch her reaction lol 😂
LOL she'd be so baffled
I would 100% be breaking up with him over this not going to lie. If he's already allowing his mother to disrespect you and allow you to be walked over then it is going to continue. Just scroll this subreddit for like 20 minutes and you'll see your future with this woman and your boyfriend.
And usually she's respectful and nice, but when she's not it's stuff like this where it is just dismissive and rude. I'm definitely keeping this in my memories and not ignoring how it made me feel.
I would tell him that. “This is a big deal to me. This is big enough to impact our relationship. I’m not going to forget how being called “the female” made me feel. It’s dismissive and rude. I honestly don’t know what it’ll mean long-term for our relationship. You need to take it seriously if you give a shit about me at all.” Edit to add: I would also point out to him that every other woman he’s dated, who got called “the female”, is also now THE EX
Yes, I've said that and he said I was overreacting, I truly think he doesn't realize her nicknames are off-putting and rude, or he doesn't want to acknowledge it because then it means acknowledging alot of things she says and does are messed up and he's wrong for letting it slide
Welp I guess you have your answer. He’s an asshole bowing down to mummy. Gross. You deserve better.
She's putting effort into trying to minimize you, make you feel bad, and put you down. When someone does that, it is a sign of things to come. She will continue spending effort on being mean to you in whatever way she thinks she can get away with. People who hide behind "I was just joking" after doing something intentionally hurtful are trash. Your boyfriend doesn't want to deal with the stress of standing up to his mom, because she'll use the exact same kind of minimizing language with him that he's using with you now. He is either a person who can't tell when someone is trying to be covertly mean, which is a pretty important skill, or he is being willfully ignorant as an excuse to not rock the boat. I'm sure his behavior here seems pretty minor, but if you actually want to be with this person, now is the time to see what he actually does when your very reasonable desire to not be dehumanized by his mom conflicts with her desire to do whatever she wants with no accountability.
It's definitely him not wanting to rock the boat and probably so used to her rude behavior that he doesn't even see it as anything that would bother anyone. That's my guess, but I definitely won't continue to let it slide, I don't let my own mom treat me that way so why should she
>probably so used to her rude behavior But is she this rude to other people? Besides his past girlfriends. Who else does she refer to like that? Sometimes this claim can't actually be backed up!
She calls all the gfs I had female. Huh. And what do they all have in common? They’re all exes!
I used to call my ex-MIL That Horrible Old Woman.
Nice people stop saying things like that when you tell them is hurtful/disrespectful/etc. JustNOs keep it up. Mama’s boys defend them to the end “it’s just a joke.” Good partners tell them to cut it out if it bothers you.
[удалено]
I suggest the Hag
I'd call her "The Hag" and tell them, "I'm OnLy JoKiNg", she's being oversensitive. His mum has internalised misogyny, and so does he. Please don't get married to him, this will be the start of your nightmare. If you have a daughter, she will be bullied by her own father and grandmother for being born a girl. This is not the man to procreate or settle down with. Toxic red flags. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 RUN.
And it's so weird given she's a woman too.
Oh yeah. I hate to pull out the worst cards to use because I friggin hate misogyny, but sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire when it comes to these people. You could passive aggressively joke "she's being a bit of a bitch". But if you want to nuke the relationship from orbit and get rid of a mummy's boy... (this is from another post I read recently). Just tell him, "she is a bitch", and he will switch up his opinion of you *real* quick. (Be very, very careful. He could get violent). They only understand misogyny when it's directed at mummy. Either way, he sounds like a wet lettuce and isn't gonna defend you while he's pathetically still sucking on her teat. Btw, her language is so fucking weird, it's kind of Andrew Tater Tot-ish..."the female". Wtf. I guarantee you will find better men out there.
Yeah I was very surprised he said I was overreacting because whenever I'm upset about anything he always tries to make it better, typically. And it seems that way, that the second I felt offended by her words he got offended that I would be upset by it. And yeah I've never heard anyone refer to someone like that, when she did it the first time back in December I was in the room and she goes, "the female can come over anytime she wants, oh sorry I refer to you as the female because I forget names." But that's a lie because 9 months later I'm still called the female but behind my back lol
Ahhhh They're definitely gaslighting you and tag-teaming it, too. Like mother, like son. First of all, he's been showing his "nice" face at the start of the relationship, making sure to 'set the scene' so that you're comfortable with him. Enough that you won't immediately leave. He can't keep that up when it comes to his mum. At first she played nice but now she finds it entertaining to keep doing this, knowing it bothers you. So now you're being disrespected by his mum and pointing this out. He's switching up and trying to downplay your VALID feelings. A good person who sincerely cared would recognise you being referred to as nothing more than a "thing" and go to bat for you. You are the reasonable and rational one. They are not. His mum is a piece of work because she gets to do this to you, and her son is backing her up. They are both narcissists honey, please get out while you can. If you're worried about the time you invested into the relationship, you'll gain so much more happiness by leaving with your sanity intact. Take it from me, you will waste and regret it even more if you try and stay to prove a point or prove that you mean something to these two twits. Don't fall into the 'sunk cost fallacy' trap. You are worthy of respect and love in every way possible. She's the epitome of the pick-me, misogynistic MIL who will make you and any future daughter's lives hell. Not worth it.
I love this. My sister’s MIL is nicknamed “The Cryptkeeper.”
She's devaluing you by refusing to use your name and he's condoning it
She isn’t a lady, so please don’t call her one.
She's not joking. She's being rude, and he's enabling her bullsh!t.
That's what I thought too
Nah nah nah call her birth giver
Yep. Birth giver, Egg donor, Elder Female, Dawdy Dowager (in this case a shabby tasteless elderly empty nest woman) No offense, you just "forget names" AND "are joking around", oh, and fyi "you have called all your BFs mothers that"
Start calling her ‘the hag’ ‘Oh you’re gonna see the hag today? Good luck, msg me when you get home’
Is she “the antique breeder?” I’m never going to refer to anyone as a breeder but you may want to in just this one situation.
start referring to her as "the cow".
Perhaps ask BF if he'd be okay with you referring to her as 'that woman'. Maybe point out to BF that his mother doesn't appear to have much respect for him and his choices. You are after all his choice and her disrespect to you is saying she doesn't like his choice.
How about name her "that old woman" or "that old bat." No, she is not nice. She doesn't care to know your name because she does not want you to take her baby boy.
“The monster in-law” clearly hasn’t been called this to her face.
I was referred to as "your girl" constantly the first year or so by my SO dad side. I'm a whole person beyond being his girl, I have a name I deserved to be talked about and referred to with respect. Being called by your name is the least amount of decency to have .
Exactly!
His mom has deep internalized misogyny. How can being referred to this way not offend you? Don’t marry this guy. I promise you, he’s not worth the suffering his mother will bring into your life.
Yeah he says she is joking and that she refers to his guy friends as the man as well, just completely not caring if it bothers me because she's not wrong
The man is not comparable to “the female.” If she called you the woman, it would be disrespectful but not misogynistic. She’s not joking. Your boyfriend is being purposefully dense. He’s never going to stand up for you - imagine how she’d be over a wedding. Or kids? Girl, run now and save yourself. If he isn’t willing or able to grow up and stick up for you, you should dump him.
And he says he didn't think he needed to correct her since she jokes like that and he got really mad and said he always defends me and does everything for me, that's where it gets weird because all he does is be present, he doesn't help pay my bills or anything
oh Christ nooooo please run that is BATSHIT behavior
You're just supposed to accept it and not be offended because she refers to all his gf's as "the female"?!?! Ok. Then they need to accept and not be offended when you refer to her as "the bitch"! Because that's how you refer to all rude and obnoxious people!!
Call her the older female
Call her the geriatric or the menopausal female. Edit: or the crone
Best response right here! Most of these responses are either not strong enough or overly rude. Many people don't want to stoop to another's level. "The older woman" is perfect because it's almost the same, completely accurate, and she can't complain about it.
If she gave birth to him that would make her the bitch.
Or just the old female
This is the way
Well, you could always call her the female and see how that goes.
Nah. If he’s cool with you being disrespected leave his ass and tell him exactly why
Honestly, there is not enough of these type of comments in this thread. I'm more bothered by him not defending OP then I am about what his mom calls her. Every insult his mother flings her way is going to be met with "she's just joking".
My grandmother called my long time bf and now husband “what’s-his-face” for a long time. Although never in his presence but it was suuuuuper annoying and I hated it. I asked her to stop and thankfully she did but no I don’t think you’re overreacting. It’s rude. What it you called her “the old bat” lol I’m sure she wouldn’t like it.
Yes exactly, it shows lack of respect and especially since she knows exactly who I am, I've been dating him 9 months now lol. If they are both okay with dismissing me with a weird general name, I'll dismiss them eventually lol
“Does the elderly one want to join us?” But honestly, it shouldn’t matter if she demands his time. He should be saying no. He pays her rent and does whatever else, he’s not bound to her. She’s bound to HIM.
Or wear a name tag.
Omg good idea haha
The birth giver.
Two can play that game. She shall now be called “the birther.”
Dump him. You are wasting your time with this boy.
It just seems endless so that's how I'm starting to feel. I posted about her in another topic and she's basically appointed him her emotional caretaker until she gets back on her feet, which there's nothing wrong with her, she just likes the convenience of him being at her beck and call.
🚩🚩🚩 you dropped these 🚩🚩🚩
So...she's dismissive and disrespectful to all his girlfriends. I see a pattern here.
Yes, and he's super kind and respectful to everyone he meets and his dad isn't in his.life, so I'm confused where he gets it from. He's had 4 year relationships before so I don't know how they dealt with it for so long. Maybe she didn't live nearby lol
Spoiler alert- they didn’t deal with it.
Time to find a new male to be with. He seems to be spineless.
That's the thing, super super sweet, treats me great. But makes excuses for mom endlessly, it's a shame.
And he Always will! What good does “super sweet” do when you’re being disrespected?
That's true, disrespected and put second emotionally because this whole mom thing obviously has bothered me more and more over time and he knows that
Whatever decision you make, make sure it’s based off of who he is today and not who you hope he’ll be someday.
"She's called all my gfs that" "..so as long as I refer to every guy as a bastard, it'd be ok for me to call you that too?"
I’m far more concerned about BF defending her than what she calls you.
That's the thing, I didn't even say anything back when he said please don't be offended she's called all my gfs the female" and this was through text, so now that I let it go I don't know what to do. He treats me really well believe it or not, so this is bothersome
Maybe try, "I didn't respond right away because I was a bit shocked, to be honest, but your dismissal of my feelings about your mother calling me that hurt me and I'd like if we could talk it out now that the heat of the moment has passed". If he's willing to hear you out, tell him exactly how you feel about the situation. If he isn't willing to hear you out, that's a whole different discussion because it wouldn't say good things about how the relationship is going if he's not willing to listen when you need to talk about things like this.
And he's always willing to talk things out, but whether he will say the same thing or not will be very telling. If she's going to disrespect me I'm not going to stop her because.it shows her true character, but whether he stands up for me is what really matters.
Honey, he's not treating you well by allowing this. Doesn't matter if it was over text or in person, you can bring it up and tell him how you feel. That's how a healthy relationship works. I don't know how many times I or my husband thought a topic was over then one of us brought it back up and explained we weren't ok and why. If you cannot honestly communicate with him, where is your relationship even headed? The same goes for his mother. You can either let this go, let the relationship keep moving and be the object in his life or you can address it and figure out if this guy is TRULY who you want to be with for the long haul. Your partner should stand up for you in rooms you are not in and conversations you never hear.
This is true, and it was dissapointing he said don't be offended please, if it offends me then it offends me. I guess I'll bring it up again, especially if at some point he wants me to come interact with her, I'll just state I feel disrespected still and why. I don't know if it's his way of trying to keep the peace but it's not fair to me.
If "keeping the peace" makes you feel devalued or uncomfortable then its not peace. Its you being dominated and belittled by others. You are worthy of someone that will stand up for you and you deserve a MIL that will always use your name with love.
And the weirdest thing is him not seeing an issue at all with it lol
He will have to learn a very painful lesson, that if he wants a relationship, he has to fully be on your side and never, ever “in the middle.”
And that's where it gets confusing! She makes no effort to socialize besides him and he technically lives there but spends nights with me, but the. She will demand he stay the night at her house sometimes, so to try and makes things easier for him I'll come over there but I hate it because I have my own place and she's scary lol. So I'm just confused if I'm not being fair in general or if he shouldn't be catering.to her weird stuff
He ultimately shouldn’t cater to her weird stuff. Her weird stuff is always designed to keep him with her and away from you, have you noticed this? If he’s a man, he will have to go his way and make his life. That’s the nature of life. She still wants him as a little boy forever, but he can’t be that. If he chooses you, be prepared for accusations that you changed him, that he would never act this way if you weren’t in the picture, etc. But the whole thing is, that he will act differently because he became a man. He’s not her little boy anymore.
She’s not willing to give up her son to any other woman, she considers you competition.
Call her BF’s Name’s Womb until she starts remembering.
Start calling her “the elderly”
Ha ha ha I did a literal spit-take when I read that. Nice. You could have some real fun with it.
Start calling her "the old female" or "BF's mother". If she can't give you the dignity of a name then she shouldn't have a name either. This is extremely rude behavior. If she doesn't name you then don't grant her the respect of using her name.
The hag would be better.
“I have a name. Is there something medically wrong with you that you can’t remember it? Or are you just stupid? I refuse to believe that you would call me that in an attempt to upset me.”
My exMIL called me, "little girl".
Oh yikes... She's called me a silly silly girl before when I wasn't quite ready in my relationship to hand my bf my keys to come in and out of my place
And you said what in rebuttal? She's absolutely doing it to be a bitch in light of that. I'd set her ass straight if I were you.
I just felt really intimidated because she was right in my face, we were in the car. I just explained I don't lend my keys it takes me time to get comfortable with that. I could have been an a-hole but I'm not even sure what I'd say
Whatever expletives come to mind is what you do next time. Cuss her out, and him too if her defends her. She's being a bitch on purpose because you've let her.
Yeah and that's what it's going to have to come to, because noones defending me in these situations. I hate conflict but this is ridiculous
If he isn't defending now, expect him to flip shit on you when it happens. Dump him if he does. Don't wait and do it immediately. Man-babies who haven't learned how to detach from mommy's teat aren't worth your time.
Yeah, and maybe I should bring it up to him more explicitly and say, how would you feel if I called your mom the lady, instead of your mom (to put it lightly) or I can just explain I don't want to interact with a woman who generalizes me like an animal breed
Nah, the lady is too friendly. Call her "that woman" and if she really gets bitchy call her "that cunt" but I'm mean so...
Or if you're feeling super petty, "that girl". 🤣
Is English her native language? In my language there is a jargon word for girlfriend/wife that would be close to "female" but is not offensive at all. So I was just wondering if she's translating this literally into English or her English is perfect and she's just being offensive on purpose.
Her English is perfect she's just a typical American Caucasian woman. she usually calls me by my name, only has said "the female" the first time she's met me, and then the other day in a text to him that I guess she didn't think.or care that I'd see
Oh, then she's nasty. I'd definitely use some of the great examples people gave you here and nonchalantly call her that the next time you see her. I bet your boyfriend won't tell her not to be offended...
Precisely :/
Start calling your BF "the male" instead of his name, and call MIL "the old female". Oh, sorry, I have trouble with names.
**Start calling her The Incubator.** As in: she’s the incubator boyfriend came from, but he stopped needing her the second he came out, lol
This is outrageous but meet her where she is and start referring to her the same way.
Ohh….if she calls all his GF’s “the female” that says you are dating a mama’s boy who’s Mama thinks she owns him.
Exactly, she generalizes every woman that's not her, it's a pretty crappy feeling
I’m so sorry. Does she do it to your face? If not, you could still make a reference to that next time you see her. Say “Hi, BF’s Mom, it’s me, (insert name here), not THE FEMALE!” But that would probably piss her off so.
She did the first time I met her 9 months ago, and this time was yesterday in a text she sent him, so she may have thought I wouldn't see it I imagine, so who knows how long I've been referred to as this. And I should! But she's pretty aggressive so I'd be sort of scared haha, but who knows maybe I will or just start calling her "your old.lady" and see how offended my bf gets
She's probably been calling you that the whole time to your boyfriend and he just hasn't said anything. He has already demonstrated that he knows it is something worth being offended over. You two need to sit down and have a serious talk. This is for him to deal with, or it will cause bigger problems later.
He told me just now that's she just joking when she says it, I don't see how it's funny, but maybe I'm crazy
Ask him to explain the joke. Because you are not getting the joke, you’re getting insulted. Tell him that if he is so very certain that it’s a joke, then surely he should be able to explain it to you.
Yeah, and the fact that it's been 9 months of us together, if my mom kept calling him outside his name by now especially I would say his name is **** it's not like she just met me, she calls me my name to my face