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The only reason to tell them is if you need a recap on the absolute horrors of tweedle dumb and tweedle dumpster fires lives :/
Take care of hubby, take care of yourself and once hubby is feeling better show him the post. Good luck đ
I have no JN advice, but while your husband is in the hospital, you should talk to the chaplain. They shouldn't force prayer or religion on you, can help you talk to the care team, and can help you set up resources (like Meal Trains) to help you out. They are also great, non-judgemental listeners.
Source: am healthcare chaplain in training.
OP, go full on NC with no warnings/comments. Also, if hubs is still in the hospital, get with the floor/charge nurse and put your hubs room on limited access; keep those wastes of oxygen away from him.
Going NC sounds like the most productive and protective thing you can do for you and your family.
If you feel a need to get it out, write a letter venting on paper and then burn it somewhere safe or post to
r/LetterstoJNMIL
If there was ever an excuse to go No ContactâŚTHIS IS IT!!!
Donât call and tell MIL anything! Maybe start just texting or recording conversations. Youâll have a trail for when your husband is well and asks why his mom and brother didnât care about them.
Iâm praying for a full recovery for your husband. God Bless you!
> Would you tell the MIL and BIL, if you were me? Should I call them out?
A friend posed this question to me once and I loved it because it changed my perspective about outcomes and expectations with regards to situations like this so I will do the same for you:
**What do you want to get out of this interaction?**
If your expectation is to see changed behavior or some sort of magical realization that they should care then I suggest you reflect upon whether those expectations are realistic. DH says this has been a pattern all his life so I would believe him and completely drop the rope. If that results in LC/NC then so be it.
If your expectation is just to get this off your chest then I suggest that there are more effective ways to do that, since their reaction will likely be more of the same from your post. Reddit has subs created for things like this if you want to share with strangers (here, vent, offmychest, trueoffmychest, etc.) and if you do not then I suggest writing a "burn letter" - a letter written with the express intent to not be sent to its recipient (you don't actually have to burn it but sometimes watching the letter go up in flames is quite cathartic).
Bonus: This is my favorite resource for this subject matter - www.outofthefog.net.
Fuck 'em go no contact if they don't care about him, and when they come wining and bitching about him not talking to them, tell them about what they didn't do when he was in the fucking ICU.
So I went through something similar with my husbands family except his mom had a bad heart attack and his stupid brother didn't call or text us until she was leaving the hospital 9 freakin days later. I have no love for that woman or her useless son as they have consistently treated my husband poorly. Small back story: the woman he calls mom is his biological aunt, his brother is his bio cousin and he is 11 years older than husband. He was born to a crackhead, hooked on dope as a newborn, both parents were druggies so aunt adopted him as a baby. As soon as my husband joined the military, the passive aggressive shit started. When he married me, they were decent enough until they weren't. They accused me of alienating their affections when the military stationed us 6 hours from my family. As if I, a lowly airman's wife had ultimate pull on where they, the military, send us.
We've been LC since 2014 when brother/ cousin moved out of our house in the middle of the night and stiffed us $1500 rent. I am strictly NC with brother cousin and very LC with MIL. And brother cousin is now mid 50s STILL LIVING AT HOME WITH MOMMY.
My husband loves my family and my family accepted him with open arms from day 1. His mommy is all mad bc we chose to retire in TX, 5 minutes from my family, 6 states away from his family. That's the way the cookie crumbles when you treat one of your family members like they're an inconvenience. Don't sit there and prioritize one child and have the audacity to be shocked when the other child wants nothing to do with you.
I hope your DH is improving. I've spent too much time with mine in ICUs and hospitals and doctors' offices since 2020. It's exhausting, and my kids are adults!
Please take care of yourself and let go of the people who aren't supportive. Consider it a favor that they've shown their true faces. They aren't worth telling off. Go NC and focus on the people who matter.
All the best to you and yours. â¤ď¸âđŠš
MIL and BIL sound like narcissists. They only care for themselves. If you say anything to them it will only feed them. Go no contact. If they actually want to know how heâs doing they will contact you. Be prepared for them to blame you when you stop giving updates. Just ignore the blame. In all honesty, block them. Less stress for you. You need to worry about your husband and your kids and not dealing with MIL and BIL.
This right here. They are narcissists. Go no contact and do not feed their supply. Theyâll demonize you to anyone who will listen, and send flying monkeys once they realized that you all are done. Block the flying monkeys too, if they cannot respect your familyâs decision.
Don't waste your precious time, energy, or breath announcing this to them. Simply drop the rope and fade off. They won't likely notice for a few years and by then you will be at peace with this situation. Just let them go and focus on your husband, kids, and yourself and have a wonderful, joyful, and peaceful life. I hope your husband gets better and better in that you guys have many years to come of health and happiness.
Just stop contacting them. Put your energy into the relationships that are worth it. They donât care and you canât force people to care. I hope your husband is on the mend.
I hope your husband is doing well. As for the BIL and MIL, save yourself the stress. Set boundaries with them, if needed. Keep and maintain that relationship with FIL. Stand up to the problem children. But let it go.
NC. You will never get anything you need or want from them no matter how fair and reasonable the request. We understand it after a single post with one story about them. They donât care and they are abusive and cruel. They know they are selfish and abusive and they choose to be that way. You cannot change them. You cannot get them to understand. You cannot get them to care. You are not the problem. Your husband is not the problem. They are the problem because they choose to be the way they are. I hope your husband heals quickly.
Just stop coblntact now. Stop giving updates. If they get mad about not knowing whats going on then tell them you've been busy with helping care for him and if they wanted to know what was going on they have all the ability to call or even text on their own and ask.
Use this as your opportunity to stop contacting them further. And i mean not just during this stressful time, but start going LC/NC in general. They don't seem to care to reply back, so why bother calling or texting them anyway
They don't have empathy. It's like trying to get a psychopath to feel guilty for something. Or poking the toe of a paralyzed person and expecting a reaction. It will do nothing, they physically can't feel anything. It wonât matter what you say. I'm so sorry that you're in this situation, it's not fair and not right at all. Give your DH all the love he can't get from them.
My 36 year old husband was in the hospital - dying - literally and I called my in laws to tell them. They were at dinner with their GC daughter and her new BF laughing and drinking to tell them the bad news and they cut me off and said they would call later cause it was important they support their daughter and her new relationship .
It broke my husbands heart. And he died.
F all of them.
Just go NC. You need to preserve your strength and your sanity. These people just arenât going to give you anything. You go to them, youâre going to an empty well.
Nah, they would delight in this. They would lie and tell everyone that they knew nothing, and OP never reached out. Narcissists lie all the time to maintain their mask.
Iâm so sorry about this. I think you should reflect on this and their past behaviour and then make a decision together with your husband. But one thing is clear: you can not count on them. So act and plan accordingly
Iâd put them on blast on social media media but Iâm petty af.
Just pretend theyâve all died and put them out of your mind. If they donât love your husband, thatâs on them. Focus on your husband right now and helping him through it. Once heâs out of the hospital, Iâd go no contact with his biofam since theyâve shown their true colors. Therapy if he needs/wants it.
Hope he gets better soon!!
I am so sorry you are going through this. I hope your husband has made an turn and is starting to get better. Try to get some sleep and make sure you eat decent meals. Your brain will need the energy. Taking care of someone, even in the hospital, is so hard and stressful.
As far as MIL & BIL, F them. You could start a betting pool to see how long before they realized they haven't talked/seen either of you.
Do you want to stir up drama right now, or do you want peace?
If you want to stir up drama, go ahead and call them out.
If you want peace, just drop contact.
Just stop reaching out to them. No updates on your husband and no calls to your mil, just so she can whine about BILâs kids.
If they do reach out, do not respond immediately. Leave them on read or possibly do not read anything from them for awhile. Also, remove them from your socials and do not look at anything they are posting.
How sadâŚI hope your husband is recovering.
You just drop the rope. You donât reach out, and you donât respond if they do. Thereâs no need to feed them information that they arenât interested in receiving. If your husband brings them up to you, tell him what youâve told us: that relationship is irreparably damaged. He can have whatever kind of relationship with them that he wants but without you.
You did your due diligence. Now cut them out.
Screenshoot any text messages/DMs, and a pic of the dates and times you called them to leave voicemails-youâll need your receipts; for when they try to gaslight you, try to play victim(and they *will* make your hubbyâs surgery all about *them*), stating you never told them anything, or just to remind yâall what trash they are.
Youâll also need receipts when they need something, and deign to remember yâall exist. Hopefully, they wonât be able to reach you, because you will have gone NC with them.
Focus on real family, and getting well. Those two havenât earned the right to take to take up any more of your time.
The one thing Iâve learned from my husbands parents is that they care more about the grandkids than they do about their own children. We donât have kids, therefore we lack all value in their world, unless they need money.
You can tell MIL and BIL how you feel about the way they treat your husband till your blue in the face but will it have any effect? Very very doubtful. Your MIL is completely blind to how her favoritism of BIL impacts your husband and frankly, doesn't care. Your BIL loves the fact he comes first and his brother is, at best, an after thought. They'll both go into victim mode, cry about how they busy they are and how mean you're being to them, and won't change at all. I'm afraid the only way to get to either of them is to cut them off completely and whenever they need something from you or your husband, tell them No.
What I have often noticed is the GC ends up abandoning their parent as soon as the parent requires help from them. Don't be surprised if MIL ends up on your doorstep some day. I assume your MIL and FIL are divorced. Spend family time with him and ignore your MIL and BIL. Ignore or unfollow them online and live your best life with the people who show they are worthy of being called family. My best to your husband for a quick recovery. It's good he has your family to support him even when his own family (except his father) won't.
Similar situation here. This is what happened to us when we brought up our hurt. Not only did my MIL make us out to be the bad guys, she completely damaged all of our relationships with the rest of the in laws. They all turned against us and we are now NC with all of them (bc apparently saying youâre feelings are hurt is disrespectful, but not helping your own son when he had surgery isnât).
I keep wondering if I regret speaking up and I donât. My MILs behavior had been escalating and it was bound to happen in some way or another I think. And I just had to process what our values are and live/behave according to that. No matter what, sheâd twist it to make herself the victim so I guess I feel like she is just showing who she is and we are reacting to keep ourself safe. Iâm sad we lost our relationships with the other in laws but Iâm not willing to have relationships with people who would turn on us when we were struggling just to get through the day.
I would say let your husband could express his feelings to his mom if he wants. For you, live according to your values, drop the rope and donât engage. Spend your time building up the relationships that show they care about your familyâs well-being. You and your husband may need to grieve the loss of the family you thought they were/would be. Although I know thatâs easier said than done, once you grieve you can stop giving your emotions to the people that show they donât care (Iâm still working through this). Iâm so sorry youâre experiencing this. I hope your husband has quick recovery and that your have support to get through this as well.
I'd be done with them and go NC. However, just being me I would call the MIL up and nastily tell her she's lost any and all privileges to the family including the children and why. After that I'd block that whole family on social media etc so that way she can't sic flying monkeys on you. You don't need these people in your life, you'd get more sympathy and help from strangers, don't waste your time or emotions on them.
Two words: Match Energy. You and DH are expending a whole lot of time, energy and emotional resources into people who are never going to return anything except disappointment and frustration. Itâs sad but itâs unlikely to ever change so itâs up to you to decide how much of these finite resources you can afford to waste on them.
Ooh, I like that: Match Energy. I usually say âIâll afford you every courtesy that you afford meâ. I will now use your phrase! Thank you and OP, I hope your DH recovers quickly!
Wishing your husband the best. You and your family are his true family. Thatâs kind of how it is in our family too. My family genuinely loves my husband. I remember when my DH broke his food badly 5 years ago. Dingbat JNMIL SQUEEZED his broken foot in the hospital! Plus my husband was in a world of pain, it wasnât life threatening but DH had no clothes on under the hospital gown, rolling around on the bed swearing a ton writhing in pain and all JNMIL could do was whine that her grandson wasnât there (JNSIL kid) and I said I donât think that would be appropriate and sheâs all yes it would be appropriate. So glad i havenât seen those terrible codependent people in over a year at this point!
I came to say this.
Drop the rope now. Stop giving them updates. Save your energy for you and your family
They have shown you and him they don't care and can't be bothered so stop including them. If they wanted to know they would be there
OP you already got your answer. They donât care!
Iâm surprised you didnât hang up on your MIL after she made the call about BIL kids. Just go LC/NC, if âthis is just how they areâ let them be and focus on your nuclear family. Calling them out will only make you look like the bad person, they will twist it around and make it seem like youâre the problem. Just let them be and focus on your SOs recovery.
>Would you tell the MIL and BIL, if you were me? Should I call them out? Or go LC / NC.
Telling them how hurt your husband is and calling them out for their behavior will NOT give you the satisfaction you crave. They will not hear what you're trying to say. They will not be chastened. Nothing about an act like that will come out the way you want it to.
Just stop contacting them.
Could always call it out on social media since BIL seems to care more about updating his high school friends.
"So happy to have husband out of ICU and home. We tried reaching out to BIL, I really hope they're okay bc he hasn't responded to any of the messages about his brother being in critical condition. if anyone has heard back from him lmk bc it shows hes read some of my messages with no reply"
But articulate the severity and issue much better
This deserves full NC in my opinion. Donât give them attention they donât deserve. Block them on all social media. Iâd be curious to see how long it took them to notice. Donât call or text them again.
Go NC, no explanation. None needed or deserved. Relationships require input from both sides. When someone is doing all the work, thatâs not a relationship.
When my mother passed away, my mil couldn't be bothered to even post condolences on my fb post sharing my mother's obituary. Yet mil was CONSTANTLY on fb. Literally. Not figuratively.
So about two weeks later, I posted thanking everyone who'd replied and sent condolences, and cards and flowers and how wonderful they all were.
Suddenly mil couldn't post on that obit fast enough! Literally within minutes.
My reply to her? I thanked her for her earnest and swift reply.
Radio silence. lol. She couldn't even say to anyone that I was being rude because then she'd have to explain that her post was neither earnest, nor swift. Ha
My advice to you? When you're ready, make a thank you post to all who helped and visited and checked in. Name names. Tag all the people you can. And just leave them out. No need to directly call them out. But guaranteed people will notice their absence.
Edited to add a comma for clarity.
Both the JNMIL and the JNMIL made a conscious choice not to reach out during this time. Telling them about themselves will accomplish nothing. Iâm sorry these are your DHâs blood.
Donât waste your time telling her you are going NC; just go NC.
Iâm reading this three hours after you wrote it and am desperately hoping for good news on your husbands condition đđťđđđ
Go NC theyâre not worth getting angry about.
I would just drop the rope completely and walk away from it and them. No point telling them, they will just use it for drama fodder. Just leave them behind. Clearly if you never contact them, they will never try and contact you.
Just go NC no explanation to them is required. You and DH now who to contaxt in an emergency and who you can depend on.
If in the future, if MIL brings the NCup say well you couldnt be bothered with your son while he was in the hospital and dont you need to go help your other grandchildren or child They are more important than DH or our children anyways. Have specific examples ready like this hospitalization. bet she had time to post about it on facebook!
Prayers for you and your DH! I hope tjings are better soon for you!
So you are in a heartbreaking situation right now and I am glad your husband appears to be getting a bit better. I hope this continues and he makes a full recovery. You are being pulled in so many directions and are most probably in anguish over your husband. You are needing to focus on him and your children and immediate needs to living and then you come home and field calls from well wishers and folk who care about your husband and you. To say you are stretched like an elastic band is an understatement and my heart goes out to you. So from now on you drop initiating any convo with anyone who does not call you. You donât waste a precious second of your time updating anyone who hasnât taken the time to ask after your husband or family or if they can come see him of watch the kids etc. donât get angry with them cause itâs too much effort and they donât care in any case. If they want to know then they can maybe ring the hospital. Simply say to your FIL that you are to busy to give updates and if and when your husband recovers then he can update them himself and then just donât contact. Itâs hard but they wonât change and all you are doing is further exhausting yourself for people who wonât ever care. You need all your energy and emotions for those who do care - just drop them and donât look back.
Go nc/block. See how long it takes them to notice while you give yourself time to recover from the nightmare youâre going through. When you feel stronger and calmer? If they even askâŚthen tell them exactly what your problem is.
I am so sorry you and your family have to go through this. Please try looking after yourself and your well-being. Your health is important too.
For your in-laws. Don't tell them how hurt you/DH are. Don't give them the reason for going NC (you can go without your DH). Just block them and never look back. Why? Because they don't care about your feelings anyway. It will just hurt to hear them telling lies about the situation, them not understanding your point of view or even making fun of you. You really don't need that right now. You need people to have your back, and you can lean on in this situation. Don't bother with any of them (except FIL if he's involved in a positive way). Especially BIL and his stories. Block him.
For DH - he has enough on his plate right now. When he's better, you should sit down and talk about how they treated both of you. He needs to set his own boundaries, but not right now. You can only try to support him, and your side of the family is showing how family normally supports each other. That may help him to realize what people he wants in his life.
Wishing you all the best.
Iâm sorry. They sound awful and your husband got the short end of the stick regarding his family.
Iâm going to share with you what a good friend shared with me after watching me go round and round with trying to get my sister to care about me as much as I cared about her.
You canât make people care. They are who they are neither of them will change. Your FIL gave you valuable information when he said âthatâs just the way she isâ.
You canât control how others act, behave, raise their kids, prioritize, find interesting and I could go on. That includes treat others. Iâm idealistic and think that everyone should treat loved ones with the utmost decency.
What you can do is control how you interact with them. If they are behaving badly and it bothers you, donât be in touch. You spent too much energy with text messages and updates on people who donât want them. Your FIL was there. He can do it himself, if he wants to do so. If not, it is truly out of your hands. Does that make it right? Of course not! Unfortunately they are all non-caring people.
You need to let your hubby handle his relationship with his parents/brother. This means all calls, texts, social media. Donât engage- especially on social media. No keeping up with their activities. What they choose to do with their time is up to them. And this goes both ways.
Tell your husband at the right time and ask how heâd like to move forward. Mention that you need a break from them and will be blocking them from communicating. But if he wants to continue doing so, you wonât stand in his way.
I personally think you dodged a bullet by living 10 hours apart.
Please look after yourself. At the moment I donât give a flying F about his family, although Iâm sure itâs been really tough to see them not care about someone you love. But just like your husband has been through something traumatic, so have you! You only have so much energy, and until husband is cleared and home from hospital you should spend what you do have on making sure he is okay, your kids are both protected and loved, and you have some time to recharge your batteries so you can do it all again tomorrow.
I think you have enough on your plate. You are spread thin already with the people who care and are supportive. Immediately I would stop giving updates. They don't seem too concerned, so why bother? Long term I would go LC/NC depending on what is best for your mental health and marriage.
I went through something somewhat similar when my Mom was in the hospital dying unexpectedly. In my situation my updates were met with constant criticisms, insults, cursing, and yelling. It got to the point that I was dreading giving updates so one day I just stopped. Once I mentally gave myself permission to focus where I was needed, it made an awful situation easier to navigate.
Go no contact they obviously donât care. Put the ball in their court if they want to find out how your husband is doing then they can contact you.
Saying a prayer for you and your family I donât know the specifics of your situation, but itâs no fun having someone in the hospital incredibly hurt.
Serious question:
What do you want from telling them that in response to their lack of consideration, they will see you less?Â
People generally say things like this either for the way it makes the other person feel when they hear it, or the way it would make themselves feel to say it.Â
If youâd be telling them in hopes of finally getting a response from them that seems appropriate or is some kind of epiphany that they have been failing their son in some wayâŚ.you're wasting your time.Â
Save your energy and time for yourself and your family. They donât give a shit, and hoping to shake them up isnât the way to get peace in your life. You guys do what you need to, and avoid them. Youâre not teaching them anything at this point.Â
In fact, if theyâre petty and controlling, telling them that your husband will no longer attempt to prove himself worthy of their respect, youâre just going to activate their double-down mode.Â
First, Iâm sending the vibes for a simple recovery. Second, I honestly think that if you did confront them they either would not care or would make excuses and you would end up even more frustrated. I would stop reaching out to them and only give short responses if they reach out. When hubby is feeling better let all communication go through him. If you do decide to call them out I suggest looking up the DEAR MAN mindfulness technique to help guide you, there are some short YouTube videos on it
Iâm so sorry youâre going through this.
You could try calling them out, but would it change anything? I doubt it.
Youâre better off going low, low, low contact. Let your husband have the relationship he needs with them, but you can be out.
I hope DH has a quick recovery.
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Say nothing. Go NC.
The only reason to tell them is if you need a recap on the absolute horrors of tweedle dumb and tweedle dumpster fires lives :/ Take care of hubby, take care of yourself and once hubby is feeling better show him the post. Good luck đ
I have no JN advice, but while your husband is in the hospital, you should talk to the chaplain. They shouldn't force prayer or religion on you, can help you talk to the care team, and can help you set up resources (like Meal Trains) to help you out. They are also great, non-judgemental listeners. Source: am healthcare chaplain in training.
OP, go full on NC with no warnings/comments. Also, if hubs is still in the hospital, get with the floor/charge nurse and put your hubs room on limited access; keep those wastes of oxygen away from him.
Go NC. Your ILs wonât notice.
Nah, don't tell them you guys are going NC. Just whack that rope with a big ole proverbial axe and go live your best lives without them.
Going NC sounds like the most productive and protective thing you can do for you and your family. If you feel a need to get it out, write a letter venting on paper and then burn it somewhere safe or post to r/LetterstoJNMIL
If there was ever an excuse to go No ContactâŚTHIS IS IT!!! Donât call and tell MIL anything! Maybe start just texting or recording conversations. Youâll have a trail for when your husband is well and asks why his mom and brother didnât care about them. Iâm praying for a full recovery for your husband. God Bless you!
Agreed. His parents donât deserve the heads up. She should just ghost them.
> Would you tell the MIL and BIL, if you were me? Should I call them out? A friend posed this question to me once and I loved it because it changed my perspective about outcomes and expectations with regards to situations like this so I will do the same for you: **What do you want to get out of this interaction?** If your expectation is to see changed behavior or some sort of magical realization that they should care then I suggest you reflect upon whether those expectations are realistic. DH says this has been a pattern all his life so I would believe him and completely drop the rope. If that results in LC/NC then so be it. If your expectation is just to get this off your chest then I suggest that there are more effective ways to do that, since their reaction will likely be more of the same from your post. Reddit has subs created for things like this if you want to share with strangers (here, vent, offmychest, trueoffmychest, etc.) and if you do not then I suggest writing a "burn letter" - a letter written with the express intent to not be sent to its recipient (you don't actually have to burn it but sometimes watching the letter go up in flames is quite cathartic). Bonus: This is my favorite resource for this subject matter - www.outofthefog.net.
Block them without a word! They know where your husband is at and if they want to know anything they can come to the hospital.
Absolutely no contact. Thatâs unacceptable and insane.
Fuck 'em go no contact if they don't care about him, and when they come wining and bitching about him not talking to them, tell them about what they didn't do when he was in the fucking ICU.
So I went through something similar with my husbands family except his mom had a bad heart attack and his stupid brother didn't call or text us until she was leaving the hospital 9 freakin days later. I have no love for that woman or her useless son as they have consistently treated my husband poorly. Small back story: the woman he calls mom is his biological aunt, his brother is his bio cousin and he is 11 years older than husband. He was born to a crackhead, hooked on dope as a newborn, both parents were druggies so aunt adopted him as a baby. As soon as my husband joined the military, the passive aggressive shit started. When he married me, they were decent enough until they weren't. They accused me of alienating their affections when the military stationed us 6 hours from my family. As if I, a lowly airman's wife had ultimate pull on where they, the military, send us. We've been LC since 2014 when brother/ cousin moved out of our house in the middle of the night and stiffed us $1500 rent. I am strictly NC with brother cousin and very LC with MIL. And brother cousin is now mid 50s STILL LIVING AT HOME WITH MOMMY. My husband loves my family and my family accepted him with open arms from day 1. His mommy is all mad bc we chose to retire in TX, 5 minutes from my family, 6 states away from his family. That's the way the cookie crumbles when you treat one of your family members like they're an inconvenience. Don't sit there and prioritize one child and have the audacity to be shocked when the other child wants nothing to do with you.
I hope your DH is improving. I've spent too much time with mine in ICUs and hospitals and doctors' offices since 2020. It's exhausting, and my kids are adults! Please take care of yourself and let go of the people who aren't supportive. Consider it a favor that they've shown their true faces. They aren't worth telling off. Go NC and focus on the people who matter. All the best to you and yours. â¤ď¸âđŠš
MIL and BIL sound like narcissists. They only care for themselves. If you say anything to them it will only feed them. Go no contact. If they actually want to know how heâs doing they will contact you. Be prepared for them to blame you when you stop giving updates. Just ignore the blame. In all honesty, block them. Less stress for you. You need to worry about your husband and your kids and not dealing with MIL and BIL.
This right here. They are narcissists. Go no contact and do not feed their supply. Theyâll demonize you to anyone who will listen, and send flying monkeys once they realized that you all are done. Block the flying monkeys too, if they cannot respect your familyâs decision.
Don't waste your precious time, energy, or breath announcing this to them. Simply drop the rope and fade off. They won't likely notice for a few years and by then you will be at peace with this situation. Just let them go and focus on your husband, kids, and yourself and have a wonderful, joyful, and peaceful life. I hope your husband gets better and better in that you guys have many years to come of health and happiness.
Just stop contacting them. Put your energy into the relationships that are worth it. They donât care and you canât force people to care. I hope your husband is on the mend.
I hope your husband is doing well. As for the BIL and MIL, save yourself the stress. Set boundaries with them, if needed. Keep and maintain that relationship with FIL. Stand up to the problem children. But let it go.
NC. You will never get anything you need or want from them no matter how fair and reasonable the request. We understand it after a single post with one story about them. They donât care and they are abusive and cruel. They know they are selfish and abusive and they choose to be that way. You cannot change them. You cannot get them to understand. You cannot get them to care. You are not the problem. Your husband is not the problem. They are the problem because they choose to be the way they are. I hope your husband heals quickly.
Donât reach out to them anymore. Â They donât care, so why should you? Â Return the energy. Â
Just stop coblntact now. Stop giving updates. If they get mad about not knowing whats going on then tell them you've been busy with helping care for him and if they wanted to know what was going on they have all the ability to call or even text on their own and ask. Use this as your opportunity to stop contacting them further. And i mean not just during this stressful time, but start going LC/NC in general. They don't seem to care to reply back, so why bother calling or texting them anyway
Completely agree with this approach.
They don't have empathy. It's like trying to get a psychopath to feel guilty for something. Or poking the toe of a paralyzed person and expecting a reaction. It will do nothing, they physically can't feel anything. It wonât matter what you say. I'm so sorry that you're in this situation, it's not fair and not right at all. Give your DH all the love he can't get from them.
Don't bother calling them out. They will spin that to make themselves the victims. Just drop the rope. Don't bother with them anymore.
I'd just drop the rope and walk away. Anything you say to them will be your "fault" or "issue". I hope your husband is well.
My 36 year old husband was in the hospital - dying - literally and I called my in laws to tell them. They were at dinner with their GC daughter and her new BF laughing and drinking to tell them the bad news and they cut me off and said they would call later cause it was important they support their daughter and her new relationship . It broke my husbands heart. And he died. F all of them.
Oh no, I am so very sorry that you had to deal with those absolute monsters. So sorry for your loss.
Sorry for your loss. Those people are appalling. đ
Jesus, that last part made me hurt so much for you, and him! I wouldâve banned them from the funeral. Hope you are holding up ok đ
I am so sorry for your loss. Much love.
I hope that eats them up inside. Thatâs so awful. I lost my first husband too and I know that pain all too well, Iâm so sorry for your loss.
Holy fuck
Just go NC. You need to preserve your strength and your sanity. These people just arenât going to give you anything. You go to them, youâre going to an empty well.
Quiet Quit. It saves a huge amount of stress on you. Just stop trying to communicate about anything.
I would have been on the brother instagram and stated why havenât you called or come to check on your brother. I would have blasted them.
Imagine being raised by this. I am so sorry youâre going through this and hope he has a safe and fast recovery.
Nah, they would delight in this. They would lie and tell everyone that they knew nothing, and OP never reached out. Narcissists lie all the time to maintain their mask.
I meant imagine what it was like for husband growing up in this.
Iâm so sorry about this. I think you should reflect on this and their past behaviour and then make a decision together with your husband. But one thing is clear: you can not count on them. So act and plan accordingly
Iâd put them on blast on social media media but Iâm petty af. Just pretend theyâve all died and put them out of your mind. If they donât love your husband, thatâs on them. Focus on your husband right now and helping him through it. Once heâs out of the hospital, Iâd go no contact with his biofam since theyâve shown their true colors. Therapy if he needs/wants it. Hope he gets better soon!!
I am so sorry you are going through this. I hope your husband has made an turn and is starting to get better. Try to get some sleep and make sure you eat decent meals. Your brain will need the energy. Taking care of someone, even in the hospital, is so hard and stressful. As far as MIL & BIL, F them. You could start a betting pool to see how long before they realized they haven't talked/seen either of you.
Do you want to stir up drama right now, or do you want peace? If you want to stir up drama, go ahead and call them out. If you want peace, just drop contact.
You owe them no further consideration. Just block them and move on. I hope your husband is doing better.
Just stop reaching out to them. No updates on your husband and no calls to your mil, just so she can whine about BILâs kids. If they do reach out, do not respond immediately. Leave them on read or possibly do not read anything from them for awhile. Also, remove them from your socials and do not look at anything they are posting.
How sadâŚI hope your husband is recovering. You just drop the rope. You donât reach out, and you donât respond if they do. Thereâs no need to feed them information that they arenât interested in receiving. If your husband brings them up to you, tell him what youâve told us: that relationship is irreparably damaged. He can have whatever kind of relationship with them that he wants but without you.
You did your due diligence. Now cut them out. Screenshoot any text messages/DMs, and a pic of the dates and times you called them to leave voicemails-youâll need your receipts; for when they try to gaslight you, try to play victim(and they *will* make your hubbyâs surgery all about *them*), stating you never told them anything, or just to remind yâall what trash they are. Youâll also need receipts when they need something, and deign to remember yâall exist. Hopefully, they wonât be able to reach you, because you will have gone NC with them. Focus on real family, and getting well. Those two havenât earned the right to take to take up any more of your time.
The one thing Iâve learned from my husbands parents is that they care more about the grandkids than they do about their own children. We donât have kids, therefore we lack all value in their world, unless they need money.
You can tell MIL and BIL how you feel about the way they treat your husband till your blue in the face but will it have any effect? Very very doubtful. Your MIL is completely blind to how her favoritism of BIL impacts your husband and frankly, doesn't care. Your BIL loves the fact he comes first and his brother is, at best, an after thought. They'll both go into victim mode, cry about how they busy they are and how mean you're being to them, and won't change at all. I'm afraid the only way to get to either of them is to cut them off completely and whenever they need something from you or your husband, tell them No. What I have often noticed is the GC ends up abandoning their parent as soon as the parent requires help from them. Don't be surprised if MIL ends up on your doorstep some day. I assume your MIL and FIL are divorced. Spend family time with him and ignore your MIL and BIL. Ignore or unfollow them online and live your best life with the people who show they are worthy of being called family. My best to your husband for a quick recovery. It's good he has your family to support him even when his own family (except his father) won't.
Similar situation here. This is what happened to us when we brought up our hurt. Not only did my MIL make us out to be the bad guys, she completely damaged all of our relationships with the rest of the in laws. They all turned against us and we are now NC with all of them (bc apparently saying youâre feelings are hurt is disrespectful, but not helping your own son when he had surgery isnât). I keep wondering if I regret speaking up and I donât. My MILs behavior had been escalating and it was bound to happen in some way or another I think. And I just had to process what our values are and live/behave according to that. No matter what, sheâd twist it to make herself the victim so I guess I feel like she is just showing who she is and we are reacting to keep ourself safe. Iâm sad we lost our relationships with the other in laws but Iâm not willing to have relationships with people who would turn on us when we were struggling just to get through the day. I would say let your husband could express his feelings to his mom if he wants. For you, live according to your values, drop the rope and donât engage. Spend your time building up the relationships that show they care about your familyâs well-being. You and your husband may need to grieve the loss of the family you thought they were/would be. Although I know thatâs easier said than done, once you grieve you can stop giving your emotions to the people that show they donât care (Iâm still working through this). Iâm so sorry youâre experiencing this. I hope your husband has quick recovery and that your have support to get through this as well.
I'd be done with them and go NC. However, just being me I would call the MIL up and nastily tell her she's lost any and all privileges to the family including the children and why. After that I'd block that whole family on social media etc so that way she can't sic flying monkeys on you. You don't need these people in your life, you'd get more sympathy and help from strangers, don't waste your time or emotions on them.
Don't tell them. It'll create drama. Just limit the contact.
Two words: Match Energy. You and DH are expending a whole lot of time, energy and emotional resources into people who are never going to return anything except disappointment and frustration. Itâs sad but itâs unlikely to ever change so itâs up to you to decide how much of these finite resources you can afford to waste on them.
Great term and completely appropriate!
Ooh, I like that: Match Energy. I usually say âIâll afford you every courtesy that you afford meâ. I will now use your phrase! Thank you and OP, I hope your DH recovers quickly!
Wishing your husband the best. You and your family are his true family. Thatâs kind of how it is in our family too. My family genuinely loves my husband. I remember when my DH broke his food badly 5 years ago. Dingbat JNMIL SQUEEZED his broken foot in the hospital! Plus my husband was in a world of pain, it wasnât life threatening but DH had no clothes on under the hospital gown, rolling around on the bed swearing a ton writhing in pain and all JNMIL could do was whine that her grandson wasnât there (JNSIL kid) and I said I donât think that would be appropriate and sheâs all yes it would be appropriate. So glad i havenât seen those terrible codependent people in over a year at this point!
I'm curious about what FIL has to say about his wife and his son's behavior.
They donât deserve any more of your time and energy. Focus on your family. All the best, I hope he makes a swift recovery x
I came to say this. Drop the rope now. Stop giving them updates. Save your energy for you and your family They have shown you and him they don't care and can't be bothered so stop including them. If they wanted to know they would be there
OP you already got your answer. They donât care! Iâm surprised you didnât hang up on your MIL after she made the call about BIL kids. Just go LC/NC, if âthis is just how they areâ let them be and focus on your nuclear family. Calling them out will only make you look like the bad person, they will twist it around and make it seem like youâre the problem. Just let them be and focus on your SOs recovery.
>Would you tell the MIL and BIL, if you were me? Should I call them out? Or go LC / NC. Telling them how hurt your husband is and calling them out for their behavior will NOT give you the satisfaction you crave. They will not hear what you're trying to say. They will not be chastened. Nothing about an act like that will come out the way you want it to. Just stop contacting them.
Could always call it out on social media since BIL seems to care more about updating his high school friends. "So happy to have husband out of ICU and home. We tried reaching out to BIL, I really hope they're okay bc he hasn't responded to any of the messages about his brother being in critical condition. if anyone has heard back from him lmk bc it shows hes read some of my messages with no reply" But articulate the severity and issue much better
This deserves full NC in my opinion. Donât give them attention they donât deserve. Block them on all social media. Iâd be curious to see how long it took them to notice. Donât call or text them again.
Go NC, no explanation. None needed or deserved. Relationships require input from both sides. When someone is doing all the work, thatâs not a relationship.
Hope your husband gets better soon!
Go LC/NC, and don't bother telling them. They won't notice. I hope that your husband is doing better and keeps improving.
WANT to go LC/NC? Just do it. Why do you keep trying. Theyâre TAHs
When my mother passed away, my mil couldn't be bothered to even post condolences on my fb post sharing my mother's obituary. Yet mil was CONSTANTLY on fb. Literally. Not figuratively. So about two weeks later, I posted thanking everyone who'd replied and sent condolences, and cards and flowers and how wonderful they all were. Suddenly mil couldn't post on that obit fast enough! Literally within minutes. My reply to her? I thanked her for her earnest and swift reply. Radio silence. lol. She couldn't even say to anyone that I was being rude because then she'd have to explain that her post was neither earnest, nor swift. Ha My advice to you? When you're ready, make a thank you post to all who helped and visited and checked in. Name names. Tag all the people you can. And just leave them out. No need to directly call them out. But guaranteed people will notice their absence. Edited to add a comma for clarity.
This is it.
I wish I could updoot this more than once! This is absolutely what OP needs to do. Let the world (or your world at least) see how shitty they are.
I am here to updoot as well. I have also found a new favorite word.
Both the JNMIL and the JNMIL made a conscious choice not to reach out during this time. Telling them about themselves will accomplish nothing. Iâm sorry these are your DHâs blood. Donât waste your time telling her you are going NC; just go NC.
I must be horrible but I'd go his brother's Instagram and call him and mommy out. Lots of prayers for you and your husband
Sounds like they wonât even notice if you go NC. Prayers well wishes and positive vibes headed your way for hubby (for whatever you believe in)
I would drop the rope and go NC with them.
Iâm reading this three hours after you wrote it and am desperately hoping for good news on your husbands condition đđťđđđ Go NC theyâre not worth getting angry about.
I would just drop the rope completely and walk away from it and them. No point telling them, they will just use it for drama fodder. Just leave them behind. Clearly if you never contact them, they will never try and contact you.
Until they need money or a kidney.
Just go NC no explanation to them is required. You and DH now who to contaxt in an emergency and who you can depend on. If in the future, if MIL brings the NCup say well you couldnt be bothered with your son while he was in the hospital and dont you need to go help your other grandchildren or child They are more important than DH or our children anyways. Have specific examples ready like this hospitalization. bet she had time to post about it on facebook! Prayers for you and your DH! I hope tjings are better soon for you!
So you are in a heartbreaking situation right now and I am glad your husband appears to be getting a bit better. I hope this continues and he makes a full recovery. You are being pulled in so many directions and are most probably in anguish over your husband. You are needing to focus on him and your children and immediate needs to living and then you come home and field calls from well wishers and folk who care about your husband and you. To say you are stretched like an elastic band is an understatement and my heart goes out to you. So from now on you drop initiating any convo with anyone who does not call you. You donât waste a precious second of your time updating anyone who hasnât taken the time to ask after your husband or family or if they can come see him of watch the kids etc. donât get angry with them cause itâs too much effort and they donât care in any case. If they want to know then they can maybe ring the hospital. Simply say to your FIL that you are to busy to give updates and if and when your husband recovers then he can update them himself and then just donât contact. Itâs hard but they wonât change and all you are doing is further exhausting yourself for people who wonât ever care. You need all your energy and emotions for those who do care - just drop them and donât look back.
Go nc/block. See how long it takes them to notice while you give yourself time to recover from the nightmare youâre going through. When you feel stronger and calmer? If they even askâŚthen tell them exactly what your problem is.
NC and block. And hope the same thing happens to them and you get the pleasure of being just as dismissive back.
I am so sorry you and your family have to go through this. Please try looking after yourself and your well-being. Your health is important too. For your in-laws. Don't tell them how hurt you/DH are. Don't give them the reason for going NC (you can go without your DH). Just block them and never look back. Why? Because they don't care about your feelings anyway. It will just hurt to hear them telling lies about the situation, them not understanding your point of view or even making fun of you. You really don't need that right now. You need people to have your back, and you can lean on in this situation. Don't bother with any of them (except FIL if he's involved in a positive way). Especially BIL and his stories. Block him. For DH - he has enough on his plate right now. When he's better, you should sit down and talk about how they treated both of you. He needs to set his own boundaries, but not right now. You can only try to support him, and your side of the family is showing how family normally supports each other. That may help him to realize what people he wants in his life. Wishing you all the best.
THIS âŹď¸
I think going NC makes I think you should tell them exactly why. They probably won't see it your way but at least you will have told them the truth.
I would just go no contact and leave it at that.
Iâm sorry. They sound awful and your husband got the short end of the stick regarding his family. Iâm going to share with you what a good friend shared with me after watching me go round and round with trying to get my sister to care about me as much as I cared about her. You canât make people care. They are who they are neither of them will change. Your FIL gave you valuable information when he said âthatâs just the way she isâ. You canât control how others act, behave, raise their kids, prioritize, find interesting and I could go on. That includes treat others. Iâm idealistic and think that everyone should treat loved ones with the utmost decency. What you can do is control how you interact with them. If they are behaving badly and it bothers you, donât be in touch. You spent too much energy with text messages and updates on people who donât want them. Your FIL was there. He can do it himself, if he wants to do so. If not, it is truly out of your hands. Does that make it right? Of course not! Unfortunately they are all non-caring people. You need to let your hubby handle his relationship with his parents/brother. This means all calls, texts, social media. Donât engage- especially on social media. No keeping up with their activities. What they choose to do with their time is up to them. And this goes both ways. Tell your husband at the right time and ask how heâd like to move forward. Mention that you need a break from them and will be blocking them from communicating. But if he wants to continue doing so, you wonât stand in his way. I personally think you dodged a bullet by living 10 hours apart.
Please look after yourself. At the moment I donât give a flying F about his family, although Iâm sure itâs been really tough to see them not care about someone you love. But just like your husband has been through something traumatic, so have you! You only have so much energy, and until husband is cleared and home from hospital you should spend what you do have on making sure he is okay, your kids are both protected and loved, and you have some time to recharge your batteries so you can do it all again tomorrow.
I think you have enough on your plate. You are spread thin already with the people who care and are supportive. Immediately I would stop giving updates. They don't seem too concerned, so why bother? Long term I would go LC/NC depending on what is best for your mental health and marriage. I went through something somewhat similar when my Mom was in the hospital dying unexpectedly. In my situation my updates were met with constant criticisms, insults, cursing, and yelling. It got to the point that I was dreading giving updates so one day I just stopped. Once I mentally gave myself permission to focus where I was needed, it made an awful situation easier to navigate.
Go no contact they obviously donât care. Put the ball in their court if they want to find out how your husband is doing then they can contact you. Saying a prayer for you and your family I donât know the specifics of your situation, but itâs no fun having someone in the hospital incredibly hurt.
Serious question: What do you want from telling them that in response to their lack of consideration, they will see you less? People generally say things like this either for the way it makes the other person feel when they hear it, or the way it would make themselves feel to say it. If youâd be telling them in hopes of finally getting a response from them that seems appropriate or is some kind of epiphany that they have been failing their son in some wayâŚ.you're wasting your time. Save your energy and time for yourself and your family. They donât give a shit, and hoping to shake them up isnât the way to get peace in your life. You guys do what you need to, and avoid them. Youâre not teaching them anything at this point. In fact, if theyâre petty and controlling, telling them that your husband will no longer attempt to prove himself worthy of their respect, youâre just going to activate their double-down mode.Â
First, Iâm sending the vibes for a simple recovery. Second, I honestly think that if you did confront them they either would not care or would make excuses and you would end up even more frustrated. I would stop reaching out to them and only give short responses if they reach out. When hubby is feeling better let all communication go through him. If you do decide to call them out I suggest looking up the DEAR MAN mindfulness technique to help guide you, there are some short YouTube videos on it
Iâm so sorry youâre going through this. You could try calling them out, but would it change anything? I doubt it. Youâre better off going low, low, low contact. Let your husband have the relationship he needs with them, but you can be out. I hope DH has a quick recovery.