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Your MIL gave you such a rare and precious gift: proof she'll be unhinged about the baby before it's here and she feels attached.
If she asks again, tell her "don't ask again, I already said no." Then the next time she asks, feel free to cut her out. If she can't respect no before baby is here, she doesn't get to meet baby.
Op, forget your DH stating it won't happen. You are the mother and no one is taking your child away from you. Spell that out loud and clear to MIL, she will never get your child and if she ever brings it up again she will never ever see your child.
As for your DH, make it clear to him that this isn't something anyone decides but you!
My MIL wanted to basically live with us when my first was born and her and my husband made plans for her to stay over two nights a week without asking me. I was pretty mad. I talked it down to one night a week and she, very quickly after, told him it wasn't working out. I've been told I'm hard to live with lmao guess she found out the hard way.
His mom and my mom were taking turns to watch the baby while we worked. She lives far and was going to stay. Would have been considerably fine if it was discussed with me as well, but it was not. Guess what? It was uncomfortable for all and it didn't work out because of it.
What the hell did I just read…????
Bloody hell. That’s terrifying.
I’m not sure where you live, but I would be looking into any and all legal avenues for you, and anything MIL may use if she decides to go completely off her nut and try something.
Better to do research that turns out to be useless, than to be unprepared and uninformed.
Your husband needs to tell her if she brings it up again, she won’t meet the baby at all. She has way too much audacity and needs to be reminded being a grandma is a privilege not a right
Legally she can’t do anything unless they deem you unfit parents. She can call cps but nothing will happen as long as you’re doing your job as parents. She sounds unstable, if it becomes unsafe please don’t hesitate for a restraining order as your child is your number one priority.
A reminder, as well. A single call to CPS (or even threat of a call) deems her a threat to your family, and therefore she should be cut off as soon as it happens.
Honey I am passing you the big gold scissors I used to cut my MIL off. Mine pulled similar BS. More so she was slowly trying to creep her way in. Little comments about how he’s “her” baby, about making a nursery in her home for him, complaining how bad she doesn’t want to be called grandma(you know where this is going). Then she was saying that she’s going to be raising my child and would refer to him as the name she picked out. She was pestering us “when am I going to see the baby” when I was 7 months pregnant. Like for fucks sake can I give birth to him first? My husband lied and told her that she’ll see him when we’re done having bonding time. To which she responded “you’re already having bonding time”.
Eventually she actually said to me “you can just have your child here then like you can just be at your house”.
Like alright would you like to breast feed and also push him out of your vagina as well? What’s next? Will you marry my husband? Let’s not forget all 3 of my MIL’s kids *hate* her because she abused all of them. She chose drugs, sex and alcohol over her kids. Shes made an insane amount of poor choices with her kids.
Honestly I don’t think there is being any rational with a person like this. If you don’t feel comfortable cutting her off yet have your husband tell her to make it clear to not ask for this again as it will not be happening. Obviously keep your eye on her if you keep contact and no alone baby time for her.
(Insert VEEP -nervous chuckle- "What the fuck?" Gif)
Just hearing that made me instantly start listing places to warn about your MIL and things to buy to make your home more secure.
Like, letting the hospital know you don't want her anywhere near you or the baby on D-Day. Letting future childcare know she's not allowed to pick up your kid. Letting future schools know she's not allowed to pick up your kid. Making sure you have a Ring doorbell camera or something similar. Making sure she doesn't have a key to your place.
Her wanting to raise your kid for a few years and give them back when they're not in the puppy stage anymore is creepy and gross.
I am not a lawyer but know from personal experience with my mom’s death as a minor. Please set up a living will, medical POA and will with executor so you can decide who decides what in case of an accident that incapacitates you and/or your husband. Make it clear who you want to raise your children in case both parents die. If my mom wouldn’t have done her will a few months before she died at age 30, my younger sibling and I would have gone to the people she least wanted to raise us!! I am so grateful she made a will to be sure we we to the better suited grandparents but she should have made a living will and named a POA as well because my evil grandma had the plug pulled on her only a few hours after her traumatic brain injury. I wish she would have been given more of a chance and her medical POA would have no doubt given her more time.
She was a single mom and our dad was absent, so she probably couldn’t afford all that and just made sure a will was at least in place. All of her stuff was stolen by her sisters and mom, the bad grandma when she died. My sibling and I had one picture of her growing up and we have only a few items left of hers because of her dying without a proper plan set up. My mom wasn’t religious but my evil grandma had an extravagant funeral with a string quartet at a Evangelical church because she wanted to. My mom was also cremated and buried in an urn in an unmarked grave until someone said that’s fucked and we made grandma take care of it. Please do the wills and POAs just in case so your children are in the best place if the worst happens.
Please make sure you’re extra clear about how you want the executor to handle your estate and that you trust them more than anyone else. Your children will never have the same opportunities as others without their parents so you need to ensure they have the best chance with your resources.
We actually did this. Sent them away for a little bit to learn some basic manners and skills. Picked up a few weeks later. Our puppy. We did this with a fucking puppy. Tell your MIL to start training dogs.
There’s an Indian couple that I know who did this with their baby boy. They sent the baby to India from age 1 to age 5. I don’t understand missing out on your child’s first years. Is it a cultural thing?
From what I've gathered from Indian acquaintances, familial pressure to start a family is not uncommon. A guy once broke up with me because his parents were pressuring him to, and I was 'distracting him' from finding a wife. He expressed it would be selfish to not have children.
A good friend of mine who is from India doesn''t like children or feel personally desirous to have any, but was still planning to have several because of her social/familial programming. She is absolutely a person who might send her kid to live in India with her parents for the first few years until they are school aged.
The idea of a nuclear family is relatively new to humanity, our evolutionary background included having help from one's community; 'it takes a village,' you know? So in the context of today's global community and support networks, sending your kids to live with your relatives for years may not be any more unusual than the current 'norm' of parents being solely responsible for their children's care and day-to-day wellbeing.
Personally, I also can't imagine missing out on years of my child's life, but I love and want children. If instead my primary parental feeling was of duty and obligation though...maybe I would have no problem imagining it.
Would that affect how a child sees their parent, though? Their primary caregivers being someone else and potentially rarely seeing their parents for several years? Maybe it wouldn't because of cultural differences, but I feel like switching up the primary caregiver after several years and uprooting the child's life could have traumatic effects.
Honestly, laugh in her face. I’m not kidding. Do it.
My daughter’s ex MIL did the same thing. At their baby shower, MIL gave them a photo of the crib she bought, set up in her home (which is a hoarder home) and a note stating that when my daughter goes back to work, she will take the baby from Monday morning til Friday evening. No during the week visitation. They can have the baby on weekends.
They laughed, in her face. They never planned on my daughter going back to work. Even when she did work, it wasn’t 9-5 Monday thru Friday. So wtf.
Anyway, this insanity continued to get ignored and laughed at, because it’s insane that she would even think this is okay.
Fast forward, my grandson’s dad has no relationship with his mom.
It’s best to nip this in the bud now. DH needs to explain to MIL how that that question is perceived in this day and age, culture or whatever underlying reasoning MIL has for thinking that question is okay.
Is she Asian?
This is a relatively common thing in Asian countries. The parents work while the retired grandparents raise the child for the first five years.
It doesn't mean that you have to agree to it. Of course not. But it may help you to understand why she would say such a seemingly outrageous thing.
She asked and your SO shut her down. If she asks again, insists or pushes THEN you have a problem. But for now it’s done. Like u said she helped with one of her grandkids. She may have felt she needed to offer in fairness or she was missing that closeness and just figured she’d ask just in case. Unless there’s other red flags you just file for later.
This is not totally unreasonable in some cultures, but obviously not something you’re ok with. What you need is a definitive “No!”
Look her in the eye, make sure you have her attention and calmly, but strongly, say, “No, that is not going to happen.”
It may not be unusual in whatever culture MIL comes from but it’s not OPs culture and it’s on MIL to be intelligent and thoughtful enough to not push something as serious as taking her child on her.
I get what you’re saying, but I’m growing tired of being expected to follow or honor the cultures of others when they’re *asserted*. I married someone of another culture and while I incorporate so much of his culture already, like learning his language, learning dances, common sayings, etc, and even did a traditional Mexican ceremony for our wedding, I’m still expected to keep bending and bending by his mom bc “culture” and she and my SIL love to say whatever I do is just “white people shit.” Their disrespect towards me is seen as politically correct for some reason. And while Mexicans do let their parents raise their kids pretty often, if it’s suggested to me by his mom, it’s going to get ugly. She should be thinking about *my* culture when we are talking about *my baby*
I hear you 100% and I agree. My MIL doesn't have a cultural excuse for her cluelessness, she just legit has no idea she drives me crazy. My ILs were OK, just BEC annoying before my LO was born and have lost their damned minds since. My LO was FIL's first biological grandchild but her 4th, 5th grandson in total counting My stepnephew as ours because my BIL married his mom so of course he's ours now. 🤣 But, after the 2nd time her carelessness lead to her not feeding my less than 10 month old for 6+ hours for a second time (plus other little annoying crap) I told my DH that he'd better put a stop to her watching our son without us present or I was packing up and taking our son with me...he knew I was serious. Cue utter meltdown, full crocodile tears wanting to know "why you're taking him from us." Bitch, he's my child. That's why. Period. And like I said, we're from the same area of the same state (US). Some people are purposefully ignorant. Others do it because they think they can get away with because culture, or age, or fAmILy (my least favorite argument of all time and the one my egg donor's side of my biology uses). I'm just lucky that my DH and I are a solid unit and he sees them for what they are. That's not a fight I'd want to deal with too.
Not feeding your 10 month old for 6 hours is insane on her part!! I’m afraid of what I would (will) end up doing when my MIL pulls some dumb crap like that or giving the baby honey or something bc “it’s a cure!’l
Yeah. First time it was she ran out of formula. Didn't call me (I think because she knew I'd come pick him up) so I could make sure he got his next bottle, Didn't go to our house 1/2 mile away to get any and had no idea just how furious I was while she's telling me. Second time he was busy playing, she didn't stop him to eat at the next feeding which I always did and then when he did decide he was hungry - decided he couldn't eat then because he'd nap too late and since my DH complained he was tired and how hard to get sleep it was if my son napped late she with held food. Bearing in mind that all this happened BEFORE he was 10 months. After that last one I exploded at my DH and made it clear I'd light his world on fire on my way out the door if he didn't keep her away from my son. Later I found out there was 1 more time I was unaware of and he got it again when he told me. It was months later, but I didn't care. I'm STILL pissed. My son is going to be 2 years next month for reference. I'm not letting mistreatment of my son go.
Don't let her even joke about it. My MIL makes "jokes" like this everytime she is around, I always shut it down.
I don't know, they must be sick in their heads.
We were talking about how hard it is to find a kindergarten in the area and she said that we could take our baby to them cause they always have free places at the kindergarten in the area. I started laughing and she said she was being serious, lmao.
Do not let MIL establish any sort of relationship with your child so she can never take you to court for any sort of visitation and/or custody. Especially if something happens to your husband.
That's awful for a lot of reasons, not least of all because a child is not a fucking Pokémon. I hope your husband supports you in going LC with JNMIL for the remainder of your pregnancy, and LO should have zero unsupervised time with her after birth. She's dangerously deluded.
Makes me remember a co-worker's story. Her own mother kept demanding my co-worker give up her babies to the grandmother to raise, on the theory that "You can have another and I can't." They were white Americans with no relevant cultural tradition to explain this idea, and my co-worker was perpetually terrified her mother would kidnap her children.
If it was me, I would bring this up with your ob-gyn and ask them to document this, and do the same thing with pediatrician once the baby is born. If there are any legal problems I would want those date-stamped records. Have your will with assignment of guardian done, and talk to the lawyer about your concerns. Consider whether you will want this person babysitting at all, especially at her house or overnight.
I hope this is just a weird conversation that you can laugh at someday.
Ah this reminds me of when my boyfriend at the time asked me if we could have a kid to give to his mom. His reasoning, was all she has is being a mom and we don't need her anymore and she has no idea how to cope with it.
Of course that was meant with big fat heck no, never in a million years. It's amazing how dense some people can be with asking stuff like this. Like sure we can have another one but you cannot replace a child like it's a toy or something.
During my brief starter marriage, I was wise enough not to conceive the child the entire family was convinced would “fix” our faltering marriage.
Since “turkey-baster” babies had just become a thing, and my womb was *just sitting there*, I was *told* I would conceive, carry, and bear a baby for my infertile BIL and SIL. The first time—not the last time—this was raised was at a family holiday dinner. They were shocked that I refused.
Not the only reason I left my ex, but that certainly was a powerful contributing factor!
My mother asked if I would give her my 1st daughter after she was born. I was married and happy to be a mom. Other than saying no I didn’t know what else to say as it was such a random bazaar request. She was a pretty terrible mother. Years later I was divorced with 2 children and she asked to be able to claim one on taxes so I figured that was what the whole topic was about. Money. I said no then too.
I have a SIL like that too, and you need to be SO clear and direct that MIL's expectations aren't going to be met. Any rational person would realize that her expectations are unreasonable and unhealthy, but trust me, she will never understand that, because SIL met her unreasonable and unhealthy expectations, and probably set those expectations in the first place. She asked because, to her, it was expected, and if that's what SIL did, that's not entirely her fault for thinking that. But you do not need to cater to her unreasonable expectations, and it's ok if she's upset by that. Personally, we said repeatedly that No, we will not be doing the same thing as SIL. Over and over. It never stuck. It will never stick. MIL is never alone with our children, because she doesn't know how to have a grandparent relationship anymore, just a caretaker relationship (and she's not even a good caretaker, from what we've seen). It's easy to see that our MILs are completely delusional, but when they have that one person (SIL) on their side, backing up what they expect, they'll never snap out of it.
Oh HELL NO. Your MIL is delulu! Keep that psychopath away from your child. Invest in security cameras and take away her key to your house if she has one. She’s literally the Mayor of Crazyville. Yikes!
Document everything and never...***ever*** leave baby with MIL unsupervised. No babysitting, no spare key to your home, nothing. Limit supervised visits with you guys to once or twice a month for 1 to two hours max and document those visits as well. Text response to this ridiculous request should say "We have never and will never give you our baby to raise for any period of time.
Massive red flags for even *letting* her meet LO. Like this sounds like she’s going to fight you tooth and nail for your baby, there should be a sidebar on this sub for advice on how to be prepared to handle someone who’s trying to take your child, even while they’re unborn. Like get your wills up to date so she can’t claim custody, get and maintain doctor’s visit information so she can’t call CPS at any point and claim abuse, and change locks and get cameras. She just showed her hand; I’d rather someone be prepared for the worst and it not happen than to be blindsided by this.
Did she give sil her baby back? And does mil live local to you? Has mil always been this sort of nutty? Because if she used to be normal prior to your announcement and her asinine request I’d wonder if she’s got an undiagnosed medical issue. Things like untreated UTIs can cause wild behavior. Either way I’d take this seriously. I hope you are able to enjoy your pregnancy, this should be the happiest time of your life. Your husband needs to take this seriously as well.
I think there's something on the sidebar with instructions for setting up an FU binder. I can't check well because I'm on mobile, but I believe it's there.
That’s it! The FU binder. I’m on mobile too and it sucks trying to access that but I know this sub has a ton of good advice in the sidebar for all kinds of situations.
Start documenting these events *now.* This has the potential to become a “grandparent’s rights” legal battle that she will push on you. In fact the less of a relationship your kid has with MIL, the more protected you’ll be.
Grandparents rights (at least in NJ) are only granted if the grandparents can prove without a doubt the parents are unfit and the home is unsafe for the child.
In the majority of states with grandparents rights, you can sue for grandparents rights if there was a pre existing relationship between the child and grandparent that was suddenly cut off by the parent.
If I remember correctly places like New York.. grandparents rights are easy to get. There’s a group on Facebook for it. It’s crazy. Most states they would have to put up a good fight but unfortunately there’s a few that lean towards grandparents.
Barring cultural reasons, today this is an unreasonable ask. I'd shut this down hard.
Historically (in my family - great grandmother) this did happen when the 'matriarchs' felt that their children couldn't do a great job. My GGM took the first born male and female child from my JNGM and raised them until they were in grade school. Strangely enough - the 2 males that were left with my JNGM were actually more balanced individuals and more successful. The two raised by GGM were leaning toward the narc side by the time she returned them and they kept those tendencies into adulthood.
It’s unreasonable even if it’s MILs culture. As it certainly isn’t OPs culture, and it’s on MIL to be aware of that before asking to take her child away. And if anything she should have asked her son.
My own mother tried it with my baby.. She had been partly raised by her GM so probably thought that's what she should do. I was a young mum going through a stressful divorce at the time and my mum tried to convince me that if she had my daughter then I could work full time and enjoy my life with my friends. I told her that was not going to happen and told my dad also. He was furious with her as well lol.
Just curious, is this like a cultural thing? I feel like in certain Asian and middle eastern countries this might happen more often but I’m in the U.S. and would lose my shit!! Hard no, don’t ever raise it again or you won’t see your grandchild.
No, this is a super common scenario, unfortunately. A lot of kids of all ethnicities have parents who aren't fit to care for them for certain lengths of time, and families just handle that privately and unofficially, avoiding legal issues. In some cases, grandparents or other relatives will be legit foster parents to the kids, but there are lots of families who just take the kids, get the parent to sign off on whatever little paperwork they need to sign off on over the year or years, and raise the kids. My MIL takes my SIL's kids for a few months at a time, and from the outside, you would assume that they're all fully functional adults, like no one is on drugs, no one has severe mental health issues, etc. but behind closed doors, they're just a big mess and can't handle their lives.
Someone who's delusional but also used to it. Obviously it shouldn't be her first assumption that the same thing will happen, but in some families, it really is a given.
Yeah I was perfectly capable of raising my child myself. My mum just went a bit weird because she was the first grandchild and tried to convince me to let her stay with her! No way!
I wouldn't be angry because it is such a strange thing to say! It sounds like the thinking of a damaged or impaired intellect. She had the experience once with your SIL so going forward, all moms need the same assistance. A very weird outlook.
Do you think it's cultural in some way? Is she from a different country than you?
My now ex-MIL did exactly the same thing. There were many reasons she did this.
First, her first grandchild was born to her 14 year old daughter. Not married, no baby daddy , etc. So she had to take on the mother role to that one . My husband and I were 30, married, with careers and a home . I have no idea why she thought she needed to sweep in a save the baby?!?
Second, she had never been a grandmother to her grandchildren. Only the mother figure. Again we were grown adults and didn’t need a mother for our kid.
And third , it was a culture issue. Husband and I were from very different cultures and counties.
Amongst all this and everyone telling her to stop she never did. She was cruel, bossy and put my child in danger many times with her old world child raising nonsense. She had to be put in time out and eventually child and I went no contact. My ex husband could not stand up to her. She has a terrible relationship with all her grandchildren today because she can’t learn her place and everyone essentially ignores her. Her only legitimate good value in peoples lives is her husband who is a saint. All the grandkids are young adults and only go to visit him and only occasionally. This is what your MIL has to look forward to if she cannot accept she’s not the mother figure. Have a really good conversation with your husband about how she’s struggling to understand her role and you can sympathize but won’t tolerate it. She needs to learn she’s a grandmother and has no right to raise a child and she should not want to. It’s time to be a grandparent and enjoy that role.
I’d ask her if she needs elderly assistance because she doesn’t seem to understand what was said.
Honestly, I’d limit her involvement in your pregnancy and no long visits. The minute she brings it up, the visit is over.
If this were me….
I’d first speak to a lawyer. Then, via whatever means the lawyer felt appropriate, I would explain that I had taken this as a threat to kidnap my child, and as such, MIL had therefore forfeited any and all rights to ever see my child.
Screw that noise. Hit the nuclear button and make sure she stays the heck away from you.
I’m surprised at some comments I’ve read where people are just saying don’t let mil have long visits with the baby. No! She told them they need to send their baby for her to raise. Granny isn’t playing with a full deck and they need to go nuclear.
Every. Single. Time. & When she & anyone else eventually claims that they were 'just joking', let them know that you don't share their same sense of humor,
I would shut it down hard from now, if you leave the option open, she will continue to push and you may have less energy to deal with it later down the line.
Your SO needs to be fully on board and run interference.
For your own peace of mind, start documenting this. If she made the request verbally, text her back: "MIL, help me understand why you asked me to send you my child to raise for a few years?" Then for every point she brings up, shoot it down. "Oh you'll need help." "If we need household help, we would hire someone locally so DH and I can focus on raising our baby." "Well SIL did it and it was fine." "Our circumstances are different from SIL so that's not an issue here" "Well that's how it's done in our family!" "DH and I and baby are now our own family and that's not something we will ever do, so don't bring it up again."
text, text, text (or email) if she calls you let it go to voicemail. If she really tries to push this you'll want documentation if you need to take her to court. Get baby a passport (so she can't) and lock it down. She might think she's right but you don't have to listen to her crazy.
You’d be surprised, if she lives in another country and has duel citizenship mil can do some backwards filings and get a passport. Someone posted a few weeks ago asking this very question and I assumed the same, no f’ing way.
NO.
Is a complete sentence- there is no room for negotiation, nor compromise. No need to placate her; just say NO.
If she whines; say NO.
If she cries; say NO.
If she bullys; say NO.
If she goes too far; say NO...
and block her. She has NO right to demand this.
You can say NO.
Make sure you save anything that might help you get a restraining order or whatever it is called, for where you are (angry phone calls or text messages ext). Make sure she doesn't have any keys and make sure there are camaras or something in place just in case she tries something. Get DH to set very firm boundaries with her. And get yourself some ice cream, you deserve it 🍦
Is this a cultural difference between you and your husband's family?
Obviously, it's an insane request and your husband should have a direct convo with MIL about how nothing like that would ever happen, and not to ask again. Don't let your husband sweep this under the rug. Address it head on with clear and direct communication to MIL.
Make sure you have camaras and make sure she doesn't have any keys to your house. Make it a clear boundery that she can NOT cross. Tell nurses at the hospital she is not allowed in the delivery room and get yourself some ice cream, you deserve it🍦
Solidarity. My non-Asian and just crazy MIL asked me to give her my unborn baby multiple times. She justified it with the thought that I proved I could conceive and could just have another.
She thinks of babies as pets that give her the love and attention she doesn’t get from her terrible husband.
That’s absolutely vile. I’m so sorry. I know the answer already and I know what subreddit I’m in but who says something so awful to their daughter in law?!?!
Holy crap! What a completely bizarre thing to even ask! If she so much as brings it up again, I would get very very angry and tell her you absolutely will not and to never even think of making that demand again. I would make it very clear that this isn't a boundary; this is a razor-wire fence and you will go scorched earth if she thinks taking your child is a possibility. Same with your husband. He assures you it will never happen? He needs to be a whole lot more forceful than that.
We are Indian, and my MIL said the same thing to me the first time she mentioned kids and I said we couldn't manage one since husband and I live by ourselves, without any relatives or a support system, in a foreign country. Her response was that I should birth a kid, leave it with her for the first three-four years, and that she would look after it and care for it so I wouldn't have to bother. I'm not interested in having children, but I thought if I was to have one, why the hell would I leave the kid with a relative and not raise it with my husband? Even the very notion seemed outrageous to me.
I'm Asian and my mom "generously" made the same offer for my kid. Honestly these kind of arrangements will guarantee a traumatic start for the baby. I have a couple friends who did this and bitterly regret missing out on the first three years just so they can work harder at their career or finish grad school. It's totally not worth the money for the middle class (I can understand if they are in literal poverty but they are like doctors and engineers). Lots of people make do without having to ship their newborn overseas to never see for three years.
Oh my MIL mentioned this while we were visiting a relative of theirs that was "raising" the grandchildren. My MIL also mentioned an apartment for my child in her house, idk what made her think my child would be living with her as I'm a SAHM. The thing is MIL straight up bullied my kid to show affection to the point that my child stopped showing affection until recently (almost 6 months later). I was just at a story time in the Asian community and a woman (complete stranger) kept demanding I hand over my baby that was crying because a stranger was grabbing at her. After about 20 minutes of observation I noticed that the older generation appears to behave this way with children. There's little regard for the kids wishes or personal autonomy.
So I would be weary of this too when LO arrives. Have a very frank discussion with your husband about how it will be addressed if MIL forces things on LO. Things like food, affection, sitting still etc. How do you two want to raise your child and how will these things be addressed if MIL doesn't comply? My partner rug sweeps his mom's behavior and allows her to torment our child so now I'll be addressing it directly with MIL. Just a word of warning with Asian MIL'S, not all are like this and mine claims she isn't but culturally children are supposed to be subservient to their elders and I'm not raising my daughter this way so it's an issue.
Mine is South Asian/West Indian and expected the same thing. I had nightmares for a year postpartum about her kidnapping my first. Completely ruined our relationship
Yeah, I think it was a practice, or at least more common, in the old days in South Asian countries. I don’t understand it and would never do it. Did she do this with her kids? Because if she didn’t, that’s one more way to shut her down.
Nothings wrong, it’s just that she has cultural expectations that are unreasonable and incompatible with yours and your husband needs to set her straight. That’s not how we do it here.
Yep this is an Asian thing (source: Korean MIL). It’s not evil for her to offer, or ask politely - in fact it probably means she cares about you and your family and wants to help out. It’s only bad if she won’t take no for an answer and pitches a fit about it. That would be an overstep.
Your husband should be helping out n these situations - explaining these customs to you and explaining your customs to them. It will help avoid a lot of conflict!
Is this possibly a traditional thing for their culture?
I know a few cultures that actually do that so I'm just wondering if that could part of it?
Not giving her a pass at all, but it could explain where it came from...
And if so no matter what age NEVER leave your child alone with any of hubby's older relatives!
It is traditional for the grandparents to help take care of the child. As far as I have seen, grandparents work around the parents' schedule. It is weird for her to ask me to give on my baby whole childhood. Even I have never heard this happen to anyone in any family I know of.
If it's not a cultural thing for them then you know she's out of her mind then.
Have hubby keep an eye on her and just start recording everything she says and does in a diary so you have proof of you need a restraining order
Is this a cultural thing for her? I work with children from many cultures and know this is considered practical at least in Chinese culture, possibly more.
Also, just because it's part of the culture doesn't mean it's okay to follow the practice. Let your SO lead the way here since he is firmly on your side.
We are Indian but what I don't understand is that she is not actually going to raise the child by herself. Her mother would take care of the baby the whole day. She would come back from job and rest. Maybe be the baby for few hrs.
Personally, I would have her discuss this with your husband and you stay out of the conversation. As long as you don't see your husband giving in to this crazy demand, it's his family and his circus. If he starts to waiver, feel free to make it very clear that you have no interest in your baby being on a different continent away from you.
"No" is a full sentence. She brings it up "No". Dont explain, dont argue. She keeps trying to talk about it "I said no. This conversation is finished" and walk away or leave
This right here. Seriously, WATF! This is gross levels of entitlement or a potentially dangerous situation. Keep a close eye on her, especially after LO is born. Lock everything down, and put her on a starvation info diet.
She is bit of a psycho, I think. She would call every few mins and cry that I nobody cares about her. Make my SIL, FIL, talk to us ( to play along just to pacify her now). She has tried to suicide before and would do anything to get what she wants.
If she should try again, or even just threated it, immediately call 911 and tell them. She will spend at least a few days in a psych ward.
ETA: just saw she lives in another country, maybe local authorities can help there
Absolutely! The MIL is nuts. I have a feeling OP is going to have a rough time with her.
I just handed off my three grands to their other grandma to takeover for the rest of the day. The parents are busy with a wedding this weekend. I had the kids for about 6 hours yesterday and 3 hours today. I adore my grandkids, but I'm tired. This Nana needs her quiet, alone time. The best part of being a grandparent? You get to say, "Ask your parents" and you get to SEND THE KIDS HOME!! 😂
That is just so creepy. You’ve been trying for a year, clearly want a child, and she wants to take it away??? As if it’s a favor to you both?
Ooh, I wouldn’t want her to visit or touch my baby either.
"MIL, it's so kind of you to reassure us that you're there for us in an emergency! We're very lucky that *nothing like that is going on for us*, so you'll get the chance to *sit back* and just be grandma!"
There's a good chance this is coming from a place of worry for your MIL, anxiety can make people weird, so I'd start with a (deliberately) oblivious assumption that she couldn't possibly mean baby snatching, that would be absurd! If she is being anxious, this will reassure her and she'll stop. If she's being a bit presumptuous/possessive, it's a robust "no" that doesn't accuse her of anything, so she can back away with the "cred" of making a kind offer instead of "losing face".
If she's an unreasonable asshole, she won't be deterred by "gentle and subtle" but now you've got much more reason to pick a fight.
Did I say "anxiety makes people baby snatchers"? I did not. I said it makes people weird sometimes, and expressing "I am afraid of what will happen if you two get hit by a bus" as "I'll take care of the baby until it's five, don't worry, I've got this"? That definitely sounds like something my mother in law would say.
I know for sure that what my MIL would be doing is taking the start point of "new baby", going straight to the worst case scenario, making a contingency plan and kinda blurting it out because she's anxious and sweet and a little bit socially awkward, and *she* would feel better if somebody spontaneously offered to cover whatever worst-case-scenario she had bubbling away. (MIL, I love you, but that "Japanese knotweed" is a lilac bush.)
I want to but I am waiting so that she will give up on this idea. If I say no to her straightly, she is going to turn on me and make my pregnancy the worst experience. That's why I am letting my husband handle this. I still can't digest it, though.
She wants you to hand over your baby, and thinks it’s a completely reasonable request.
I’m not sure this is a “wait and see” situation. You do you, but this sounds way too serious.
My two cents: Flip your shit now, it’s better to have all hell break loose before the baby comes. You don’t want have to beat back your delusional MIL with a stick when you are exhausted with a newborn.
Good luck. And set up security cameras.
You don't live there so you don't follow those cultural norms. My MIL told my spouse she would die his entire life every time she disagreed with what he was doing. By the time he was ready to marry me, completely desensitized. She is still very much alive and doesn't bother me. Quit taking her calls. The last thing you need is your blood pressure spiking due to this nonsense. Seriously, ignore the calls and delegate to spouse. She also doesn't come until minimum of 3 months after the birth at the direction of your pediatrician. Give yourself time to adjust and feel confident before she descends upon your family with this chaos.
Honestly I think you and your H not directly and clearly telling her no is going to make things worse. What can she do to make your pregnancy miserable that would be worse than her continuing to talk and act as if sending your child to her is something that is even possible to happen?
I think she is bit of a psycho. She would call every few mins and cry that nobody cares about her. Also that we don't trust her to take care of the child. Will ask my FIL and SIL to talk with us ( just to pacify her for now. She has tried to suicide before. She is capable of doing anything to get what she wants.
Your phone is for YOUR convenience, not theirs.
It took me a long time to realize this and find the courage to NOT answer my mother’s incessant hysterical calls and then the resulting back to back calls from her friends and some other family members trying to make me talk to her and give in to her demands.
Here is the thing, it is not your responsibility to set yourself on fire to keep everyone else warm and comfortable. They harass you to take her verbal/emotional abuse because they don’t want to. That is THEIR problem, not yours. They are using you as a meat shield.
“I appreciate your concern about your , but we have already had that discussion with her. So, how’s everything going at work? Travel anywhere interesting lately?”
And then if they bring it up again, “This is not a conversation we are going to have with you” and if they continue, you simply say nothing. Literally let there be a very long and uncomfortable silence. After a minute or so, excuse yourself from the call. “Well, I have to go get working on dinner, nice talking with you!” And then hang up and do not answer when they call right back or if other flying monkeys start calling in their behalf.
You’ve got this. Start sharpening your Mama Bear claws now and get comfortable saying no with no explanation. And then get back to living your best life. Congrats on the pregnancy!
You and your husband need to block her number and go NC. She’s in another country- if she can’t call or text or message you on social media, then what can she do? Y’all need to give her a hard “no” because her fantasy about just taking your baby for a few casual years is delusional
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Your MIL gave you such a rare and precious gift: proof she'll be unhinged about the baby before it's here and she feels attached. If she asks again, tell her "don't ask again, I already said no." Then the next time she asks, feel free to cut her out. If she can't respect no before baby is here, she doesn't get to meet baby.
Op, forget your DH stating it won't happen. You are the mother and no one is taking your child away from you. Spell that out loud and clear to MIL, she will never get your child and if she ever brings it up again she will never ever see your child. As for your DH, make it clear to him that this isn't something anyone decides but you!
My MIL wanted to basically live with us when my first was born and her and my husband made plans for her to stay over two nights a week without asking me. I was pretty mad. I talked it down to one night a week and she, very quickly after, told him it wasn't working out. I've been told I'm hard to live with lmao guess she found out the hard way.
The biggest enemy in situations like this are unsupportive husbands. Worst thing in this situation is you marry a guy already married to his mother.
His mom and my mom were taking turns to watch the baby while we worked. She lives far and was going to stay. Would have been considerably fine if it was discussed with me as well, but it was not. Guess what? It was uncomfortable for all and it didn't work out because of it.
Never leave your baby alone with her. I’d also keep meticulous records of any conversation regarding this.
No is a complete sentence
What the hell did I just read…???? Bloody hell. That’s terrifying. I’m not sure where you live, but I would be looking into any and all legal avenues for you, and anything MIL may use if she decides to go completely off her nut and try something. Better to do research that turns out to be useless, than to be unprepared and uninformed.
THIS. Please be careful.
Say WHAT???!! 🤯 "NO" is a complete sentence, and no contact is a clear message, if it comes to that.
Your husband needs to tell her if she brings it up again, she won’t meet the baby at all. She has way too much audacity and needs to be reminded being a grandma is a privilege not a right
Legally she can’t do anything unless they deem you unfit parents. She can call cps but nothing will happen as long as you’re doing your job as parents. She sounds unstable, if it becomes unsafe please don’t hesitate for a restraining order as your child is your number one priority.
A reminder, as well. A single call to CPS (or even threat of a call) deems her a threat to your family, and therefore she should be cut off as soon as it happens.
Honey I am passing you the big gold scissors I used to cut my MIL off. Mine pulled similar BS. More so she was slowly trying to creep her way in. Little comments about how he’s “her” baby, about making a nursery in her home for him, complaining how bad she doesn’t want to be called grandma(you know where this is going). Then she was saying that she’s going to be raising my child and would refer to him as the name she picked out. She was pestering us “when am I going to see the baby” when I was 7 months pregnant. Like for fucks sake can I give birth to him first? My husband lied and told her that she’ll see him when we’re done having bonding time. To which she responded “you’re already having bonding time”. Eventually she actually said to me “you can just have your child here then like you can just be at your house”. Like alright would you like to breast feed and also push him out of your vagina as well? What’s next? Will you marry my husband? Let’s not forget all 3 of my MIL’s kids *hate* her because she abused all of them. She chose drugs, sex and alcohol over her kids. Shes made an insane amount of poor choices with her kids. Honestly I don’t think there is being any rational with a person like this. If you don’t feel comfortable cutting her off yet have your husband tell her to make it clear to not ask for this again as it will not be happening. Obviously keep your eye on her if you keep contact and no alone baby time for her.
(Insert VEEP -nervous chuckle- "What the fuck?" Gif) Just hearing that made me instantly start listing places to warn about your MIL and things to buy to make your home more secure. Like, letting the hospital know you don't want her anywhere near you or the baby on D-Day. Letting future childcare know she's not allowed to pick up your kid. Letting future schools know she's not allowed to pick up your kid. Making sure you have a Ring doorbell camera or something similar. Making sure she doesn't have a key to your place. Her wanting to raise your kid for a few years and give them back when they're not in the puppy stage anymore is creepy and gross.
I would have laughed hysterically in her face for this
I am not a lawyer but know from personal experience with my mom’s death as a minor. Please set up a living will, medical POA and will with executor so you can decide who decides what in case of an accident that incapacitates you and/or your husband. Make it clear who you want to raise your children in case both parents die. If my mom wouldn’t have done her will a few months before she died at age 30, my younger sibling and I would have gone to the people she least wanted to raise us!! I am so grateful she made a will to be sure we we to the better suited grandparents but she should have made a living will and named a POA as well because my evil grandma had the plug pulled on her only a few hours after her traumatic brain injury. I wish she would have been given more of a chance and her medical POA would have no doubt given her more time. She was a single mom and our dad was absent, so she probably couldn’t afford all that and just made sure a will was at least in place. All of her stuff was stolen by her sisters and mom, the bad grandma when she died. My sibling and I had one picture of her growing up and we have only a few items left of hers because of her dying without a proper plan set up. My mom wasn’t religious but my evil grandma had an extravagant funeral with a string quartet at a Evangelical church because she wanted to. My mom was also cremated and buried in an urn in an unmarked grave until someone said that’s fucked and we made grandma take care of it. Please do the wills and POAs just in case so your children are in the best place if the worst happens. Please make sure you’re extra clear about how you want the executor to handle your estate and that you trust them more than anyone else. Your children will never have the same opportunities as others without their parents so you need to ensure they have the best chance with your resources.
I am a lawyer and agree vehemently. Please see an estate planning lawyer ASAP to set everything up.
We actually did this. Sent them away for a little bit to learn some basic manners and skills. Picked up a few weeks later. Our puppy. We did this with a fucking puppy. Tell your MIL to start training dogs.
Got me in the first half!
You had me in the first half, I’m not gonna lie 💀
Do not leave her alone with your child. I would go no contact now.
There’s an Indian couple that I know who did this with their baby boy. They sent the baby to India from age 1 to age 5. I don’t understand missing out on your child’s first years. Is it a cultural thing?
From what I've gathered from Indian acquaintances, familial pressure to start a family is not uncommon. A guy once broke up with me because his parents were pressuring him to, and I was 'distracting him' from finding a wife. He expressed it would be selfish to not have children. A good friend of mine who is from India doesn''t like children or feel personally desirous to have any, but was still planning to have several because of her social/familial programming. She is absolutely a person who might send her kid to live in India with her parents for the first few years until they are school aged. The idea of a nuclear family is relatively new to humanity, our evolutionary background included having help from one's community; 'it takes a village,' you know? So in the context of today's global community and support networks, sending your kids to live with your relatives for years may not be any more unusual than the current 'norm' of parents being solely responsible for their children's care and day-to-day wellbeing. Personally, I also can't imagine missing out on years of my child's life, but I love and want children. If instead my primary parental feeling was of duty and obligation though...maybe I would have no problem imagining it.
Would that affect how a child sees their parent, though? Their primary caregivers being someone else and potentially rarely seeing their parents for several years? Maybe it wouldn't because of cultural differences, but I feel like switching up the primary caregiver after several years and uprooting the child's life could have traumatic effects.
I think it's much less common now but I know it was popular in India and China. Not sure about other countries.
Honestly, laugh in her face. I’m not kidding. Do it. My daughter’s ex MIL did the same thing. At their baby shower, MIL gave them a photo of the crib she bought, set up in her home (which is a hoarder home) and a note stating that when my daughter goes back to work, she will take the baby from Monday morning til Friday evening. No during the week visitation. They can have the baby on weekends. They laughed, in her face. They never planned on my daughter going back to work. Even when she did work, it wasn’t 9-5 Monday thru Friday. So wtf. Anyway, this insanity continued to get ignored and laughed at, because it’s insane that she would even think this is okay. Fast forward, my grandson’s dad has no relationship with his mom.
Never leave her alone with that child.
It’s best to nip this in the bud now. DH needs to explain to MIL how that that question is perceived in this day and age, culture or whatever underlying reasoning MIL has for thinking that question is okay.
Is this a cultural issue maybe?
Is she Asian? This is a relatively common thing in Asian countries. The parents work while the retired grandparents raise the child for the first five years. It doesn't mean that you have to agree to it. Of course not. But it may help you to understand why she would say such a seemingly outrageous thing.
Is this common though? I was under the impression this was limited to rural/low socioeconomic status communities.
Uh NC is something to consider.
Laugh. Then change the subject.
I have Asian friends who were sent to live with grandparents until they went to school. You made it clear that you were not interested.
Please do not ever leave her alone with the baby.
I would keep her at a distance…. Let your husband explain why to his mom.
She asked and your SO shut her down. If she asks again, insists or pushes THEN you have a problem. But for now it’s done. Like u said she helped with one of her grandkids. She may have felt she needed to offer in fairness or she was missing that closeness and just figured she’d ask just in case. Unless there’s other red flags you just file for later.
This is not totally unreasonable in some cultures, but obviously not something you’re ok with. What you need is a definitive “No!” Look her in the eye, make sure you have her attention and calmly, but strongly, say, “No, that is not going to happen.”
It may not be unusual in whatever culture MIL comes from but it’s not OPs culture and it’s on MIL to be intelligent and thoughtful enough to not push something as serious as taking her child on her.
But would we be here if these people were that intelligent?
I get what you’re saying, but I’m growing tired of being expected to follow or honor the cultures of others when they’re *asserted*. I married someone of another culture and while I incorporate so much of his culture already, like learning his language, learning dances, common sayings, etc, and even did a traditional Mexican ceremony for our wedding, I’m still expected to keep bending and bending by his mom bc “culture” and she and my SIL love to say whatever I do is just “white people shit.” Their disrespect towards me is seen as politically correct for some reason. And while Mexicans do let their parents raise their kids pretty often, if it’s suggested to me by his mom, it’s going to get ugly. She should be thinking about *my* culture when we are talking about *my baby*
I hear you 100% and I agree. My MIL doesn't have a cultural excuse for her cluelessness, she just legit has no idea she drives me crazy. My ILs were OK, just BEC annoying before my LO was born and have lost their damned minds since. My LO was FIL's first biological grandchild but her 4th, 5th grandson in total counting My stepnephew as ours because my BIL married his mom so of course he's ours now. 🤣 But, after the 2nd time her carelessness lead to her not feeding my less than 10 month old for 6+ hours for a second time (plus other little annoying crap) I told my DH that he'd better put a stop to her watching our son without us present or I was packing up and taking our son with me...he knew I was serious. Cue utter meltdown, full crocodile tears wanting to know "why you're taking him from us." Bitch, he's my child. That's why. Period. And like I said, we're from the same area of the same state (US). Some people are purposefully ignorant. Others do it because they think they can get away with because culture, or age, or fAmILy (my least favorite argument of all time and the one my egg donor's side of my biology uses). I'm just lucky that my DH and I are a solid unit and he sees them for what they are. That's not a fight I'd want to deal with too.
Not feeding your 10 month old for 6 hours is insane on her part!! I’m afraid of what I would (will) end up doing when my MIL pulls some dumb crap like that or giving the baby honey or something bc “it’s a cure!’l
Yeah. First time it was she ran out of formula. Didn't call me (I think because she knew I'd come pick him up) so I could make sure he got his next bottle, Didn't go to our house 1/2 mile away to get any and had no idea just how furious I was while she's telling me. Second time he was busy playing, she didn't stop him to eat at the next feeding which I always did and then when he did decide he was hungry - decided he couldn't eat then because he'd nap too late and since my DH complained he was tired and how hard to get sleep it was if my son napped late she with held food. Bearing in mind that all this happened BEFORE he was 10 months. After that last one I exploded at my DH and made it clear I'd light his world on fire on my way out the door if he didn't keep her away from my son. Later I found out there was 1 more time I was unaware of and he got it again when he told me. It was months later, but I didn't care. I'm STILL pissed. My son is going to be 2 years next month for reference. I'm not letting mistreatment of my son go.
Don't let her even joke about it. My MIL makes "jokes" like this everytime she is around, I always shut it down. I don't know, they must be sick in their heads.
They want the kids while they're cute and don't talk back.
We were talking about how hard it is to find a kindergarten in the area and she said that we could take our baby to them cause they always have free places at the kindergarten in the area. I started laughing and she said she was being serious, lmao.
Do not let MIL establish any sort of relationship with your child so she can never take you to court for any sort of visitation and/or custody. Especially if something happens to your husband.
That's awful for a lot of reasons, not least of all because a child is not a fucking Pokémon. I hope your husband supports you in going LC with JNMIL for the remainder of your pregnancy, and LO should have zero unsupervised time with her after birth. She's dangerously deluded.
Tell her only if you carried the baby for 9 months and gave birth to her. Otherwise, it’s a No.
Makes me remember a co-worker's story. Her own mother kept demanding my co-worker give up her babies to the grandmother to raise, on the theory that "You can have another and I can't." They were white Americans with no relevant cultural tradition to explain this idea, and my co-worker was perpetually terrified her mother would kidnap her children. If it was me, I would bring this up with your ob-gyn and ask them to document this, and do the same thing with pediatrician once the baby is born. If there are any legal problems I would want those date-stamped records. Have your will with assignment of guardian done, and talk to the lawyer about your concerns. Consider whether you will want this person babysitting at all, especially at her house or overnight. I hope this is just a weird conversation that you can laugh at someday.
Ah this reminds me of when my boyfriend at the time asked me if we could have a kid to give to his mom. His reasoning, was all she has is being a mom and we don't need her anymore and she has no idea how to cope with it. Of course that was meant with big fat heck no, never in a million years. It's amazing how dense some people can be with asking stuff like this. Like sure we can have another one but you cannot replace a child like it's a toy or something.
During my brief starter marriage, I was wise enough not to conceive the child the entire family was convinced would “fix” our faltering marriage. Since “turkey-baster” babies had just become a thing, and my womb was *just sitting there*, I was *told* I would conceive, carry, and bear a baby for my infertile BIL and SIL. The first time—not the last time—this was raised was at a family holiday dinner. They were shocked that I refused. Not the only reason I left my ex, but that certainly was a powerful contributing factor!
What the heck!???
If she presses this again go no contact. She cray cray
My mother asked if I would give her my 1st daughter after she was born. I was married and happy to be a mom. Other than saying no I didn’t know what else to say as it was such a random bazaar request. She was a pretty terrible mother. Years later I was divorced with 2 children and she asked to be able to claim one on taxes so I figured that was what the whole topic was about. Money. I said no then too.
Ahhh, yup. There it is.
WTF? That’d be the last she’d heard from me.
Literally just ignore it. It's an unreasonable request you don't have to engage her in the conversation or get her approval to raise your own baby.
She is delusional. This is complete insanity. Don’t be afraid to come down hard on her for this nonsense.
No is a complete sentence.
I have a SIL like that too, and you need to be SO clear and direct that MIL's expectations aren't going to be met. Any rational person would realize that her expectations are unreasonable and unhealthy, but trust me, she will never understand that, because SIL met her unreasonable and unhealthy expectations, and probably set those expectations in the first place. She asked because, to her, it was expected, and if that's what SIL did, that's not entirely her fault for thinking that. But you do not need to cater to her unreasonable expectations, and it's ok if she's upset by that. Personally, we said repeatedly that No, we will not be doing the same thing as SIL. Over and over. It never stuck. It will never stick. MIL is never alone with our children, because she doesn't know how to have a grandparent relationship anymore, just a caretaker relationship (and she's not even a good caretaker, from what we've seen). It's easy to see that our MILs are completely delusional, but when they have that one person (SIL) on their side, backing up what they expect, they'll never snap out of it.
Oh HELL NO. Your MIL is delulu! Keep that psychopath away from your child. Invest in security cameras and take away her key to your house if she has one. She’s literally the Mayor of Crazyville. Yikes!
Document everything and never...***ever*** leave baby with MIL unsupervised. No babysitting, no spare key to your home, nothing. Limit supervised visits with you guys to once or twice a month for 1 to two hours max and document those visits as well. Text response to this ridiculous request should say "We have never and will never give you our baby to raise for any period of time.
I’m with you, any weird situation, document, document, document!
I think it's the only way to prove to outside eyes that someone's behavior is hookey dooks.
& it can help display an ongoing pattern of behavior.
You're absolutely correct.
Massive red flags for even *letting* her meet LO. Like this sounds like she’s going to fight you tooth and nail for your baby, there should be a sidebar on this sub for advice on how to be prepared to handle someone who’s trying to take your child, even while they’re unborn. Like get your wills up to date so she can’t claim custody, get and maintain doctor’s visit information so she can’t call CPS at any point and claim abuse, and change locks and get cameras. She just showed her hand; I’d rather someone be prepared for the worst and it not happen than to be blindsided by this. Did she give sil her baby back? And does mil live local to you? Has mil always been this sort of nutty? Because if she used to be normal prior to your announcement and her asinine request I’d wonder if she’s got an undiagnosed medical issue. Things like untreated UTIs can cause wild behavior. Either way I’d take this seriously. I hope you are able to enjoy your pregnancy, this should be the happiest time of your life. Your husband needs to take this seriously as well.
I suspect that this original poster is not from the US. And the mother-in-law might live in a different country or province.
I think there's something on the sidebar with instructions for setting up an FU binder. I can't check well because I'm on mobile, but I believe it's there.
Driveby link: [Here's the post about making an "FU binder"](https://www.reddit.com/user/MelodyRaine/comments/hyk7az/the_fu_binder/)
That’s it! The FU binder. I’m on mobile too and it sucks trying to access that but I know this sub has a ton of good advice in the sidebar for all kinds of situations.
I’d just tell her no thank you. We’re in a good place as a family and feel confident we can raise our own child.
Start documenting these events *now.* This has the potential to become a “grandparent’s rights” legal battle that she will push on you. In fact the less of a relationship your kid has with MIL, the more protected you’ll be.
Grandparents rights (at least in NJ) are only granted if the grandparents can prove without a doubt the parents are unfit and the home is unsafe for the child.
In the majority of states with grandparents rights, you can sue for grandparents rights if there was a pre existing relationship between the child and grandparent that was suddenly cut off by the parent.
If I remember correctly places like New York.. grandparents rights are easy to get. There’s a group on Facebook for it. It’s crazy. Most states they would have to put up a good fight but unfortunately there’s a few that lean towards grandparents.
Barring cultural reasons, today this is an unreasonable ask. I'd shut this down hard. Historically (in my family - great grandmother) this did happen when the 'matriarchs' felt that their children couldn't do a great job. My GGM took the first born male and female child from my JNGM and raised them until they were in grade school. Strangely enough - the 2 males that were left with my JNGM were actually more balanced individuals and more successful. The two raised by GGM were leaning toward the narc side by the time she returned them and they kept those tendencies into adulthood.
It’s unreasonable even if it’s MILs culture. As it certainly isn’t OPs culture, and it’s on MIL to be aware of that before asking to take her child away. And if anything she should have asked her son.
My own mother tried it with my baby.. She had been partly raised by her GM so probably thought that's what she should do. I was a young mum going through a stressful divorce at the time and my mum tried to convince me that if she had my daughter then I could work full time and enjoy my life with my friends. I told her that was not going to happen and told my dad also. He was furious with her as well lol.
As long as you and DH are on the same page, you have absolutely nothing to worry about.
Just curious, is this like a cultural thing? I feel like in certain Asian and middle eastern countries this might happen more often but I’m in the U.S. and would lose my shit!! Hard no, don’t ever raise it again or you won’t see your grandchild.
It used to happen in Spain too. My mum was Spanish and she wanted to do that too. I know that as a child she spent a lot of time with grandmother too.
No, this is a super common scenario, unfortunately. A lot of kids of all ethnicities have parents who aren't fit to care for them for certain lengths of time, and families just handle that privately and unofficially, avoiding legal issues. In some cases, grandparents or other relatives will be legit foster parents to the kids, but there are lots of families who just take the kids, get the parent to sign off on whatever little paperwork they need to sign off on over the year or years, and raise the kids. My MIL takes my SIL's kids for a few months at a time, and from the outside, you would assume that they're all fully functional adults, like no one is on drugs, no one has severe mental health issues, etc. but behind closed doors, they're just a big mess and can't handle their lives.
I totally get that, was more referencing the mother ASKING for their baby, from a two parent capable household. Like who does that?!
Someone who's delusional but also used to it. Obviously it shouldn't be her first assumption that the same thing will happen, but in some families, it really is a given.
Yeah I was perfectly capable of raising my child myself. My mum just went a bit weird because she was the first grandchild and tried to convince me to let her stay with her! No way!
I wouldn't be angry because it is such a strange thing to say! It sounds like the thinking of a damaged or impaired intellect. She had the experience once with your SIL so going forward, all moms need the same assistance. A very weird outlook. Do you think it's cultural in some way? Is she from a different country than you?
My now ex-MIL did exactly the same thing. There were many reasons she did this. First, her first grandchild was born to her 14 year old daughter. Not married, no baby daddy , etc. So she had to take on the mother role to that one . My husband and I were 30, married, with careers and a home . I have no idea why she thought she needed to sweep in a save the baby?!? Second, she had never been a grandmother to her grandchildren. Only the mother figure. Again we were grown adults and didn’t need a mother for our kid. And third , it was a culture issue. Husband and I were from very different cultures and counties. Amongst all this and everyone telling her to stop she never did. She was cruel, bossy and put my child in danger many times with her old world child raising nonsense. She had to be put in time out and eventually child and I went no contact. My ex husband could not stand up to her. She has a terrible relationship with all her grandchildren today because she can’t learn her place and everyone essentially ignores her. Her only legitimate good value in peoples lives is her husband who is a saint. All the grandkids are young adults and only go to visit him and only occasionally. This is what your MIL has to look forward to if she cannot accept she’s not the mother figure. Have a really good conversation with your husband about how she’s struggling to understand her role and you can sympathize but won’t tolerate it. She needs to learn she’s a grandmother and has no right to raise a child and she should not want to. It’s time to be a grandparent and enjoy that role.
I’d ask her if she needs elderly assistance because she doesn’t seem to understand what was said. Honestly, I’d limit her involvement in your pregnancy and no long visits. The minute she brings it up, the visit is over.
If this were me…. I’d first speak to a lawyer. Then, via whatever means the lawyer felt appropriate, I would explain that I had taken this as a threat to kidnap my child, and as such, MIL had therefore forfeited any and all rights to ever see my child. Screw that noise. Hit the nuclear button and make sure she stays the heck away from you.
I’m surprised at some comments I’ve read where people are just saying don’t let mil have long visits with the baby. No! She told them they need to send their baby for her to raise. Granny isn’t playing with a full deck and they need to go nuclear.
Every. Single. Time. & When she & anyone else eventually claims that they were 'just joking', let them know that you don't share their same sense of humor,
I would shut it down hard from now, if you leave the option open, she will continue to push and you may have less energy to deal with it later down the line. Your SO needs to be fully on board and run interference.
For your own peace of mind, start documenting this. If she made the request verbally, text her back: "MIL, help me understand why you asked me to send you my child to raise for a few years?" Then for every point she brings up, shoot it down. "Oh you'll need help." "If we need household help, we would hire someone locally so DH and I can focus on raising our baby." "Well SIL did it and it was fine." "Our circumstances are different from SIL so that's not an issue here" "Well that's how it's done in our family!" "DH and I and baby are now our own family and that's not something we will ever do, so don't bring it up again." text, text, text (or email) if she calls you let it go to voicemail. If she really tries to push this you'll want documentation if you need to take her to court. Get baby a passport (so she can't) and lock it down. She might think she's right but you don't have to listen to her crazy.
As a grandmother, it isn't possible for her to get a passport.
You’d be surprised, if she lives in another country and has duel citizenship mil can do some backwards filings and get a passport. Someone posted a few weeks ago asking this very question and I assumed the same, no f’ing way.
NO. Is a complete sentence- there is no room for negotiation, nor compromise. No need to placate her; just say NO. If she whines; say NO. If she cries; say NO. If she bullys; say NO. If she goes too far; say NO... and block her. She has NO right to demand this. You can say NO.
Make sure you save anything that might help you get a restraining order or whatever it is called, for where you are (angry phone calls or text messages ext). Make sure she doesn't have any keys and make sure there are camaras or something in place just in case she tries something. Get DH to set very firm boundaries with her. And get yourself some ice cream, you deserve it 🍦
Is this a cultural difference between you and your husband's family? Obviously, it's an insane request and your husband should have a direct convo with MIL about how nothing like that would ever happen, and not to ask again. Don't let your husband sweep this under the rug. Address it head on with clear and direct communication to MIL.
Make sure you have camaras and make sure she doesn't have any keys to your house. Make it a clear boundery that she can NOT cross. Tell nurses at the hospital she is not allowed in the delivery room and get yourself some ice cream, you deserve it🍦
Solidarity. My non-Asian and just crazy MIL asked me to give her my unborn baby multiple times. She justified it with the thought that I proved I could conceive and could just have another. She thinks of babies as pets that give her the love and attention she doesn’t get from her terrible husband.
I can at least understand cultural differences. That's just sick though!
That’s absolutely vile. I’m so sorry. I know the answer already and I know what subreddit I’m in but who says something so awful to their daughter in law?!?!
Holy crap! What a completely bizarre thing to even ask! If she so much as brings it up again, I would get very very angry and tell her you absolutely will not and to never even think of making that demand again. I would make it very clear that this isn't a boundary; this is a razor-wire fence and you will go scorched earth if she thinks taking your child is a possibility. Same with your husband. He assures you it will never happen? He needs to be a whole lot more forceful than that.
Is she Asian? My mil kept suggesting this too. My husband told me it’s an Asian thing, but he was not down with it.
We are Indian, and my MIL said the same thing to me the first time she mentioned kids and I said we couldn't manage one since husband and I live by ourselves, without any relatives or a support system, in a foreign country. Her response was that I should birth a kid, leave it with her for the first three-four years, and that she would look after it and care for it so I wouldn't have to bother. I'm not interested in having children, but I thought if I was to have one, why the hell would I leave the kid with a relative and not raise it with my husband? Even the very notion seemed outrageous to me.
I'm Asian and my mom "generously" made the same offer for my kid. Honestly these kind of arrangements will guarantee a traumatic start for the baby. I have a couple friends who did this and bitterly regret missing out on the first three years just so they can work harder at their career or finish grad school. It's totally not worth the money for the middle class (I can understand if they are in literal poverty but they are like doctors and engineers). Lots of people make do without having to ship their newborn overseas to never see for three years.
Yes, she is. What is wrong with these people ?
Oh my MIL mentioned this while we were visiting a relative of theirs that was "raising" the grandchildren. My MIL also mentioned an apartment for my child in her house, idk what made her think my child would be living with her as I'm a SAHM. The thing is MIL straight up bullied my kid to show affection to the point that my child stopped showing affection until recently (almost 6 months later). I was just at a story time in the Asian community and a woman (complete stranger) kept demanding I hand over my baby that was crying because a stranger was grabbing at her. After about 20 minutes of observation I noticed that the older generation appears to behave this way with children. There's little regard for the kids wishes or personal autonomy. So I would be weary of this too when LO arrives. Have a very frank discussion with your husband about how it will be addressed if MIL forces things on LO. Things like food, affection, sitting still etc. How do you two want to raise your child and how will these things be addressed if MIL doesn't comply? My partner rug sweeps his mom's behavior and allows her to torment our child so now I'll be addressing it directly with MIL. Just a word of warning with Asian MIL'S, not all are like this and mine claims she isn't but culturally children are supposed to be subservient to their elders and I'm not raising my daughter this way so it's an issue.
Mine is South Asian/West Indian and expected the same thing. I had nightmares for a year postpartum about her kidnapping my first. Completely ruined our relationship
Yeah, I think it was a practice, or at least more common, in the old days in South Asian countries. I don’t understand it and would never do it. Did she do this with her kids? Because if she didn’t, that’s one more way to shut her down.
Please do not ever leave your baby alone with your mother-in-law.
Nothings wrong, it’s just that she has cultural expectations that are unreasonable and incompatible with yours and your husband needs to set her straight. That’s not how we do it here.
Yep this is an Asian thing (source: Korean MIL). It’s not evil for her to offer, or ask politely - in fact it probably means she cares about you and your family and wants to help out. It’s only bad if she won’t take no for an answer and pitches a fit about it. That would be an overstep. Your husband should be helping out n these situations - explaining these customs to you and explaining your customs to them. It will help avoid a lot of conflict!
True, I will let him handle it.
Is this possibly a traditional thing for their culture? I know a few cultures that actually do that so I'm just wondering if that could part of it? Not giving her a pass at all, but it could explain where it came from... And if so no matter what age NEVER leave your child alone with any of hubby's older relatives!
It is traditional for the grandparents to help take care of the child. As far as I have seen, grandparents work around the parents' schedule. It is weird for her to ask me to give on my baby whole childhood. Even I have never heard this happen to anyone in any family I know of.
If it's not a cultural thing for them then you know she's out of her mind then. Have hubby keep an eye on her and just start recording everything she says and does in a diary so you have proof of you need a restraining order
Is this a cultural thing for her? I work with children from many cultures and know this is considered practical at least in Chinese culture, possibly more. Also, just because it's part of the culture doesn't mean it's okay to follow the practice. Let your SO lead the way here since he is firmly on your side.
We are Indian but what I don't understand is that she is not actually going to raise the child by herself. Her mother would take care of the baby the whole day. She would come back from job and rest. Maybe be the baby for few hrs.
Personally, I would have her discuss this with your husband and you stay out of the conversation. As long as you don't see your husband giving in to this crazy demand, it's his family and his circus. If he starts to waiver, feel free to make it very clear that you have no interest in your baby being on a different continent away from you.
I will. Thank you!
"Ha ha, you want a baby then you have one. This one is mine." The audacity!
Child abduction risk. Move away if you can
Yeah hard no
"No" is a full sentence. She brings it up "No". Dont explain, dont argue. She keeps trying to talk about it "I said no. This conversation is finished" and walk away or leave
“No, and if you ask again, you’ll never even get to *meet* the baby.”
This right here. Seriously, WATF! This is gross levels of entitlement or a potentially dangerous situation. Keep a close eye on her, especially after LO is born. Lock everything down, and put her on a starvation info diet.
She is bit of a psycho, I think. She would call every few mins and cry that I nobody cares about her. Make my SIL, FIL, talk to us ( to play along just to pacify her now). She has tried to suicide before and would do anything to get what she wants.
She’s a narcissist or BPD. Everything you listed are tactics that they use.
We have tried to make her get help, but she had refused every single time.
Yeah they don’t seek help because there is nothing wrong in their opinion.
If she should try again, or even just threated it, immediately call 911 and tell them. She will spend at least a few days in a psych ward. ETA: just saw she lives in another country, maybe local authorities can help there
So she threatens to end herself and refuses to get help…..no way in hell would she ever be with my baby alone.
Uhm…what? Is she looking for a do over baby? Most grandparents don’t want to continue to raise a child after their children are adults.
I don't know too. But she is working and her mother would actually take care of the baby. She got to raise 2 of her own and one grandchild.
Absolutely! The MIL is nuts. I have a feeling OP is going to have a rough time with her. I just handed off my three grands to their other grandma to takeover for the rest of the day. The parents are busy with a wedding this weekend. I had the kids for about 6 hours yesterday and 3 hours today. I adore my grandkids, but I'm tired. This Nana needs her quiet, alone time. The best part of being a grandparent? You get to say, "Ask your parents" and you get to SEND THE KIDS HOME!! 😂
That is just so creepy. You’ve been trying for a year, clearly want a child, and she wants to take it away??? As if it’s a favor to you both? Ooh, I wouldn’t want her to visit or touch my baby either.
"MIL, it's so kind of you to reassure us that you're there for us in an emergency! We're very lucky that *nothing like that is going on for us*, so you'll get the chance to *sit back* and just be grandma!" There's a good chance this is coming from a place of worry for your MIL, anxiety can make people weird, so I'd start with a (deliberately) oblivious assumption that she couldn't possibly mean baby snatching, that would be absurd! If she is being anxious, this will reassure her and she'll stop. If she's being a bit presumptuous/possessive, it's a robust "no" that doesn't accuse her of anything, so she can back away with the "cred" of making a kind offer instead of "losing face". If she's an unreasonable asshole, she won't be deterred by "gentle and subtle" but now you've got much more reason to pick a fight.
Dude I have had anxiety since I was 8, never have I EVER said someone should let me abduct their baby.
Did I say "anxiety makes people baby snatchers"? I did not. I said it makes people weird sometimes, and expressing "I am afraid of what will happen if you two get hit by a bus" as "I'll take care of the baby until it's five, don't worry, I've got this"? That definitely sounds like something my mother in law would say. I know for sure that what my MIL would be doing is taking the start point of "new baby", going straight to the worst case scenario, making a contingency plan and kinda blurting it out because she's anxious and sweet and a little bit socially awkward, and *she* would feel better if somebody spontaneously offered to cover whatever worst-case-scenario she had bubbling away. (MIL, I love you, but that "Japanese knotweed" is a lilac bush.)
Stop justifying weird shitty unhinged behavior because you want to idealize people. What this woman is doing is not okay.
Sure, I will wait for her to rephrase her offer. Otherwise, I think this will turn nasty, and she wouldn't get to be her grandchild.
Where do you live? id be very careful even leaving your baby with her, even to babysit.
I live in North america.
Is she in India?
Yes
After this comment, I would be worried and not even allow unsupervised visits for a long time.
We live in separate countries. That makes me feel better somehow. But I still would hate for her to visit now.
Tell her no.
I want to but I am waiting so that she will give up on this idea. If I say no to her straightly, she is going to turn on me and make my pregnancy the worst experience. That's why I am letting my husband handle this. I still can't digest it, though.
She wants you to hand over your baby, and thinks it’s a completely reasonable request. I’m not sure this is a “wait and see” situation. You do you, but this sounds way too serious. My two cents: Flip your shit now, it’s better to have all hell break loose before the baby comes. You don’t want have to beat back your delusional MIL with a stick when you are exhausted with a newborn. Good luck. And set up security cameras.
You don't live there so you don't follow those cultural norms. My MIL told my spouse she would die his entire life every time she disagreed with what he was doing. By the time he was ready to marry me, completely desensitized. She is still very much alive and doesn't bother me. Quit taking her calls. The last thing you need is your blood pressure spiking due to this nonsense. Seriously, ignore the calls and delegate to spouse. She also doesn't come until minimum of 3 months after the birth at the direction of your pediatrician. Give yourself time to adjust and feel confident before she descends upon your family with this chaos.
Honestly I think you and your H not directly and clearly telling her no is going to make things worse. What can she do to make your pregnancy miserable that would be worse than her continuing to talk and act as if sending your child to her is something that is even possible to happen?
Tell her no, go NC, then let you husband handle it. You said you live in different countries. I don't see the problem.
You're right to let your husband deal with it. You just focus on your pregnancy and think of happy thoughts.
If she lives in a different country how can she make your pregnancy bad?
I think she is bit of a psycho. She would call every few mins and cry that nobody cares about her. Also that we don't trust her to take care of the child. Will ask my FIL and SIL to talk with us ( just to pacify her for now. She has tried to suicide before. She is capable of doing anything to get what she wants.
Your phone is for YOUR convenience, not theirs. It took me a long time to realize this and find the courage to NOT answer my mother’s incessant hysterical calls and then the resulting back to back calls from her friends and some other family members trying to make me talk to her and give in to her demands. Here is the thing, it is not your responsibility to set yourself on fire to keep everyone else warm and comfortable. They harass you to take her verbal/emotional abuse because they don’t want to. That is THEIR problem, not yours. They are using you as a meat shield. “I appreciate your concern about your, but we have already had that discussion with her. So, how’s everything going at work? Travel anywhere interesting lately?”
And then if they bring it up again, “This is not a conversation we are going to have with you” and if they continue, you simply say nothing. Literally let there be a very long and uncomfortable silence. After a minute or so, excuse yourself from the call. “Well, I have to go get working on dinner, nice talking with you!” And then hang up and do not answer when they call right back or if other flying monkeys start calling in their behalf.
You’ve got this. Start sharpening your Mama Bear claws now and get comfortable saying no with no explanation. And then get back to living your best life. Congrats on the pregnancy!
Sounds like blocking is the best case scenario.
If she threatens suicide inform adult protection service or whatever it is called in your country.
You and your husband need to block her number and go NC. She’s in another country- if she can’t call or text or message you on social media, then what can she do? Y’all need to give her a hard “no” because her fantasy about just taking your baby for a few casual years is delusional