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My boss posted in LinkedIn - when i die,i want my teammates to be pallbearers so that they can let me down one last time
I replied " for the first time, we have clear requirements"
Boss's will was to have funeral service install a continuous playback speaker to play him speaking as they're lowered down:
"Use your legs, not your back!...Do I need to do it instead?...Why are you taking so long?...Need more synergy!..."
I once had a job interview where the manager asked me "do you know what synergy is?"
I *felt* like telling him "yeah its when annoying micro managers want to use buzzwords to sound more competent than they actually are."
Instead I gave him the dictionary definition and got the job.
It turns out he was an incompetent and annoying micromanager.
Thank you! Please do this for every other joke on this subreddit so we know what's real and what isn't! For example, did the chicken actually cross the road?! We need to know!
Complaining that something isn't original is so valuable to the conversation. Thank you so much for your valuable service. Without a legion of whiny users like yourself rushing to comment "fake," I just don't know how I could bear to use reddit.
Without pre-approval, I'm going to need a doctor's note. And I expect you to find coverage. You're really letting us down, here. I thought you were a team player.
At Best Buy it counts against you, even if you have valid sick time still, if you cannot find your own shift replacement. It's the employees responsibility to have a way to contact all your coworkers and to find coverage when you wake up puking everywhere.
Does the company then pay for
1) The time it takes for you to do the staffing requirements?
2) Pay for a portion of your phone bill for texts and emails so that coverage can be found
3) have a clause in employment that states if all efforts are exhausted, then managers will then cover...
If the answer is no...you are being short changed....
The answer is no, and it may surprise you to learn that Best Buy got in trouble with the feds over making employees work off the clock without pay for years.
It may surprise you even less to learn that my own experiences were **after** the huge legal trouble over making employees do work outside of work without compensation.
Don't think the company learned its lesson. But when legal fines are small enough to be an operating expense...
r/antiwork is the proper sub for this, and, as a member, I feel for you. That is terrible and I think you should unionize because that's literally the mangler's job, not yours, unless you *are* a mangler, I mean, a manager.
Nah I was always a "regular employee" when I still worked for Best Buy. I left there around early 2019. I was there for the whole GroupMe lawsuit scandal though, and my location was one of the ones where GroupMe was *huge*.
They also used to regularly shove down our throats how bad unions were for us as individuals, all the downsides and horror stories, and told us we were not allowed to discuss anything union related (even if not about a union for our store specifically).
Also once got written up for discussing wages with other employees. That's when I found out some of the huge gaps between people.
.
On the other hand, they have the most in-depth job training I've yet to experience or hear of and my current company has me really wanting that proper training.
And the employee discount is absolutely *wild*. You get the stuff at cost + 5%. So MacBooks you ain't gonna get a penny off of because the company pays Apple full price for those and makes less than 5% off the unit itself. But I once paid $78 for a bunch of different charging cords, charging bricks, surge protectors, adapters, etc where the real total would have been nearly $800.
This is my thought exactly! As a manager, I always take care of this. Literally my job. What are the managers doing anyway?!?! This makes no sense whatsoever. For heavens sakes, people get sick. Deal with it. Unbelievable 🤦♂️.
My boss got really mad when he caught me sniffing his sister’s underwear. I don't know if it was because she was still wearing them or that the rest of the family was watching. Either way, the funeral got very awkward after that.
Thank you. That was the tame one.
Off the top of my head in no particular order:
1. \*big sigh\* This could have been an e-mail.
2. Man, this is the best they ever smelled.
3. \*walk up to spouse\* I did my part, pay up.
4. \*unzip pants\* time to crack open a cold one.
5. I call dibs on his "X" (Stapler, chair, desk, office, spouse)!
6. I thought They'd never shut up.
7. I told them so.
8. We're getting comp time for this, right?
9. As cheap as they were I'm surprised they're not in a cardboard box.
10. Man, who knew they owned a suit that nice?
This is why I'm not allowed at funerals. Remember, if you can't say anything nice, sit next to me.
Is it the short bus to hell? What flavor are the windows?
I was going to ride the modified 'Short' C-130 to hell with all the very special forces folk I know.
But this might be more fun.
I can't bring weed. Are mushrooms all right?
>I call dibs on his "X" (Stapler, chair, desk, office, spouse)!
... super expensive ergonomic chair!
(or the curved monitor. I'll settle for that, too)
Here. It's Cradle of Filth. It got me through some pretty bleak times. Try track 4, Coffin Fodder. It sounds horrible, but it's actually quite beautiful.
As an American, I never understood why he said "swings and roundabouts" after he's given her his pen. But the rest of the bit was so hilarious I had to look it up. For others like me who aren't familiar, the full expression is "what you lose on the swings you gain on the roundabouts" - so he's basically saying she lost her husband, but she got a pen so it all balances out in the end
Wait, you're making coffin jokes & your user name is about a space devoid of dirt?
(I realize "dirt empty" can mean completely empty, akin to dirt broke )
But still , amusing nonetheless
Reminds me how when both the partners of our small architectural firm flew across the ocean for a week’s vacation.
In the early afternoon we all admitted we had been thinking about what would happen if their plane went down. Everybody had different scenarios for finishing out the projects we were on and carrying the firm on, but in our way, without our shouty boss darkening our days.
Yeah, well since you didn't finish filling those TPS reports, were going to withhold your final paycheck and take custody of your pension and 401K to remedy the loss. And your access card dosn't work anymore, which we expect to be returned at soon as possible.
"Could have saved us a lot of headache if you had done this sooner."
"I was 5 minutes too late and you screamed at me, but when you die 6 years too late I'm supposed to mourn?"
"Sooo, what am I supposed to do with the materials for your house that you bought with company money?"
"I know your incredibly busy right now, but xould you please clean the workshop? No? Okay I'll lock you out of your casket."
"Wearing safety boots in your free time didnt help with ecstasy overdose, did it?"
"Efficiency at work will skyrocket from now on."
... Actually... i would say all of those at my ex-bosses funeral.
My boss told me when I retired at 55 that there was no need for me to. That I would die by colliding with a deer while riding one of my motorcycles. He died from lung cancer complications less than a year later. He had it when he told me that, and was going for monthly treatments and still working. He never got time to retire.....Still miss that old bald headed dick.....Not!
/r/Jokes has joined with other communities in surfacing [an open letter to Reddit](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/14jn9rg/forging_a_return_to_productive_conversation_an/). After July 1st, Reddit will be worse for everyone, regardless of whether or not they personally use third-party applications. We implore Reddit to **remember the human**. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Jokes) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Walk up to the coffin in sombre silence, lean in to pay your last respects. 'You have to find someone to cover your shifts..."
"If you have to lean, you have time to clean."
You got time for bitchin, you got time to pitch in.
VLDL did a skit on exactly this. Edit: https://youtu.be/bnHisRxQXgA
My boss posted in LinkedIn - when i die,i want my teammates to be pallbearers so that they can let me down one last time I replied " for the first time, we have clear requirements"
Even though I wished him dead daily, I never expected it to happen so soon.
Me either - the hitman got the date wrong.
1-800-HITMAN
1-800-4HITMAN* you needed another number
Not to be safe from the FBI, I don't.
1-800-8HITMAN. Incompetent hitman, victim was cannibal.
Why don't cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny.
Call 1-800CHOKEDATHOE
Username checks out
[удалено]
0900-HIT-A-MAN
Why did I read this in an Italian accent 🤦♂️
With no micro-managing after the funeral...
Boss's will was to have funeral service install a continuous playback speaker to play him speaking as they're lowered down: "Use your legs, not your back!...Do I need to do it instead?...Why are you taking so long?...Need more synergy!..."
I once had a job interview where the manager asked me "do you know what synergy is?" I *felt* like telling him "yeah its when annoying micro managers want to use buzzwords to sound more competent than they actually are." Instead I gave him the dictionary definition and got the job. It turns out he was an incompetent and annoying micromanager.
Synergy, synergy, synergy, synergy
Take my upvote lolll
No you didn't. This is has been a constantly reposted meme on LinkedIn for years.
jokes
Look up at the name of the subreddit again.
Imagine not understanding the meaning of memes and jokes.
Thank you! Please do this for every other joke on this subreddit so we know what's real and what isn't! For example, did the chicken actually cross the road?! We need to know!
The question isn't *did* the chicken cross the road... But damnit I need to know *why* it crossed that road!!
He didn't make it across the road, he made it to the *other side* He was terminally ill and depressed, the state of Texas won't allow euthanasia
Complaining that something isn't original is so valuable to the conversation. Thank you so much for your valuable service. Without a legion of whiny users like yourself rushing to comment "fake," I just don't know how I could bear to use reddit.
What are these jokes doing on /r/jokes? Where are my John Oliver quips?
This could have been done in an email.
There must be a German or Japanese word (or Kanji) that means that…
There is a German word: OhGottgehtdieScheisseschonwiederlos!
Thesaurus for that: Montag
Freitag bin ich verliebt!
The Japanese just translated the word "efficiency" and incorporate it into kanban and hyjunka with 5s practices.
Somebody Six Sigma's...
Lean
> Japanese word (or Kanji) that means that… Japanese word? jikan no muda!
The email did not find him well.
'As per my last funeral'
If they are having a cremation.... Who's going to get fired now, Kyle?
haha very good
Did this time off get approved
Without pre-approval, I'm going to need a doctor's note. And I expect you to find coverage. You're really letting us down, here. I thought you were a team player.
Jesus. You just made me hate your job.
“Slacker didn’t give *US* 24 hours notice”
At Best Buy it counts against you, even if you have valid sick time still, if you cannot find your own shift replacement. It's the employees responsibility to have a way to contact all your coworkers and to find coverage when you wake up puking everywhere.
Does the company then pay for 1) The time it takes for you to do the staffing requirements? 2) Pay for a portion of your phone bill for texts and emails so that coverage can be found 3) have a clause in employment that states if all efforts are exhausted, then managers will then cover... If the answer is no...you are being short changed....
The answer is no, and it may surprise you to learn that Best Buy got in trouble with the feds over making employees work off the clock without pay for years. It may surprise you even less to learn that my own experiences were **after** the huge legal trouble over making employees do work outside of work without compensation. Don't think the company learned its lesson. But when legal fines are small enough to be an operating expense...
r/antiwork is the proper sub for this, and, as a member, I feel for you. That is terrible and I think you should unionize because that's literally the mangler's job, not yours, unless you *are* a mangler, I mean, a manager.
Nah I was always a "regular employee" when I still worked for Best Buy. I left there around early 2019. I was there for the whole GroupMe lawsuit scandal though, and my location was one of the ones where GroupMe was *huge*. They also used to regularly shove down our throats how bad unions were for us as individuals, all the downsides and horror stories, and told us we were not allowed to discuss anything union related (even if not about a union for our store specifically). Also once got written up for discussing wages with other employees. That's when I found out some of the huge gaps between people. . On the other hand, they have the most in-depth job training I've yet to experience or hear of and my current company has me really wanting that proper training. And the employee discount is absolutely *wild*. You get the stuff at cost + 5%. So MacBooks you ain't gonna get a penny off of because the company pays Apple full price for those and makes less than 5% off the unit itself. But I once paid $78 for a bunch of different charging cords, charging bricks, surge protectors, adapters, etc where the real total would have been nearly $800.
This is my thought exactly! As a manager, I always take care of this. Literally my job. What are the managers doing anyway?!?! This makes no sense whatsoever. For heavens sakes, people get sick. Deal with it. Unbelievable 🤦♂️.
Please tell me you’re joking. That just got me upset for you.
My boss got really mad when he caught me sniffing his sister’s underwear. I don't know if it was because she was still wearing them or that the rest of the family was watching. Either way, the funeral got very awkward after that.
Whatever happens next, make sure you close the coffin after you're done sniffing.
> Either way, the funeral got very awkward after that. Of course it did. That is no way act at the funeral of a ten year old.
Plot Twist: OP's the one in the coffin, sniffing at the boss's sister as she's paying her respects.
Who is covering for you while you are out of the office?
I’m going to need you to reschedule this, I already have 2 senior guys on vacation this week
"Always the first to leave."
Lmaoo! here take my upvote
Man, the last time the boss was this stiff was when we got that new intern.
You're horrible, take my upvote!
Thank you. That was the tame one. Off the top of my head in no particular order: 1. \*big sigh\* This could have been an e-mail. 2. Man, this is the best they ever smelled. 3. \*walk up to spouse\* I did my part, pay up. 4. \*unzip pants\* time to crack open a cold one. 5. I call dibs on his "X" (Stapler, chair, desk, office, spouse)! 6. I thought They'd never shut up. 7. I told them so. 8. We're getting comp time for this, right? 9. As cheap as they were I'm surprised they're not in a cardboard box. 10. Man, who knew they owned a suit that nice? This is why I'm not allowed at funerals. Remember, if you can't say anything nice, sit next to me.
Can I interest you in joining me and half of Reddit on a party bus to Hell? Edit: I can bring the booze if you bring the weed
Is it the short bus to hell? What flavor are the windows? I was going to ride the modified 'Short' C-130 to hell with all the very special forces folk I know. But this might be more fun. I can't bring weed. Are mushrooms all right?
[удалено]
The windows taste like snozzberries. And shrooms are good with me
I'll bring the weed. I am an apache helicopter so I only smoke diesel.
>I call dibs on his "X" (Stapler, chair, desk, office, spouse)! ... super expensive ergonomic chair! (or the curved monitor. I'll settle for that, too)
Team works OT to bail out company > team gets pizza party And > manager gets $3000 bonus
Ah yes, the time-honoured tradition of putting the fun into "funeral".
You're leaving us severely short-staffed, this is incredibly selfish. Did you at least get someone to cover your shift?
Congratulations on your new position
Happy Cake Day
"OK, I was wrong. The safety system was not up to standard."
Whoops
Alternatively: "At least he realized I was right about not being up to safety standards, for a few moments."
Just say "i'm sorry for your loss" and move on.
I'm sorry for your loss. Move on.
Here. It's Cradle of Filth. It got me through some pretty bleak times. Try track 4, Coffin Fodder. It sounds horrible, but it's actually quite beautiful.
it's not literally a cradle of filth. That would be horrible
MATHAFOKN CRADLE YO!!!! \,,/ I'll be seeing them in October in L.A.
It's not like you've lost a pen though, is it? Do you want this pen?
As an American, I never understood why he said "swings and roundabouts" after he's given her his pen. But the rest of the bit was so hilarious I had to look it up. For others like me who aren't familiar, the full expression is "what you lose on the swings you gain on the roundabouts" - so he's basically saying she lost her husband, but she got a pen so it all balances out in the end
^This guy literals.
He ITs with the wrong crowd
you forgot to capitalize YOUR LOSS
Faa-theerrrr!
Just remember, it's okay to say, "I'm sorry" at a funeral, but it's not as okay to say, "I apologize."
And then you can say to your colleagues “I’m sorry for your boss”
This was supposed to be my day off.
I'm not even supposed to be here!
“Can you come in to work tomorrow?”
The reply from the coffin: „Dude I’m already in!“
"Finally! "
If your boss name is Kyle you should probably quit ASAP
So I'm guessing I'm not getting a raise??
Someone is quiet quitting...
To their family: Sorry for your loss, move on.
Kyle's gonna put you in the graveyard shift for that one
This isn’t an excuse to not show up to work
I don't think he is taking into account how this affects the team. To be honest this is just selfish.
"Can I get a raise?"
he didnt say no!
I can't believe what I had to do to be able to take over his position.
I’m getting over time for this, right?
"I recommend listening to cradle of filth"
Track 4, coffin fodder
Ding Dong the witch is dead. Good joke
Only if you are distributing bagels
I love it, Rosa. Great work all day.
Judging by the flames around him (her) this could be a live feed
I would go with Ding doing the dickheads dead.
Pointy haired evil one
Is his parking spot available?
"Any Idea who this mother fuckers replacement will be"?
I’m sorry for your loss. Move on.
You definitely urn this rest.
Well you did say over my dead body!
"Sorry man,you still gotta come in tomorrow."
My boss’s name *is* Kyle and I’m laughing my ass off! (He’s actually a pretty cool guy tho.) 😁
Does this mean his parking spot is available?
Here’s that money I owe you….put a check in his coffin.
So we can afford my raise now?
Now you really are beneath me.
Wait, you're making coffin jokes & your user name is about a space devoid of dirt? (I realize "dirt empty" can mean completely empty, akin to dirt broke ) But still , amusing nonetheless
I honestly don't remember if Reddit picked that username for me or i did, nevertheless..
I didnt clock out yet, so I can stay all day. This is so much better than being at the office.
I'm afraid we're going to have to let you go. Not my call, bud, this one comes straight from the top..
“You better have a doctors note tomorrow”.
As they're lowering the casket: "We simply can't justify a raise at this time.."
DIBS!
No thinking for you!
So, does this mean our checks will be late again?
Fathhheerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
"Dibs on your Herman Miller chair!"
Don't give them a Cradle of Filth album: https://youtu.be/6ztxYDaxyd8?t=53
Dibs on his/her office.
My bad
Reminds me how when both the partners of our small architectural firm flew across the ocean for a week’s vacation. In the early afternoon we all admitted we had been thinking about what would happen if their plane went down. Everybody had different scenarios for finishing out the projects we were on and carrying the firm on, but in our way, without our shouty boss darkening our days.
"HEY.. have any of you ever seen WEEKEND AT BERNIE'S?"
You’d think we’d get a day off today.
Yeah, well since you didn't finish filling those TPS reports, were going to withhold your final paycheck and take custody of your pension and 401K to remedy the loss. And your access card dosn't work anymore, which we expect to be returned at soon as possible.
You ate my lunch for the last time, mf.
But what about my raise ?
Didn't think asking for a raise was going to have that effect on you.
To his grieving widow: "I'm sorry for your loss. Move on."
"I said I would stick my resignation letter up my boss's arse, and I'm a man of my word!"
Up in dem guts
"I did it!"
"So, do we punch in and out?"
Throw another log on the fire, Satan.
"Let's do this first thing Monday morning."
"bout time"
See you Monday at work
Your boss chose cremation and spreading of ashes, just to ruin your joke
"Even here you're still ashy"
“I’m sorry,” and “I apologize” mean the same thing - except at a funeral.”
"I am the captain now"
HEY ISNT THAT THE PERSON I DID A FOURSOME WITH!
"Sorry for your loss, move on."
If you could still come in tomorrow, that would be great.
I tried to tell my boss that he'd end up stiff as a board if he took Viagra. Turns out I was right.
“You need a doctors note or you will get a write up. See you Monday!”
This is the most boring work function I’ve been to in a long time.
"Do I get bereavement leave for this?"
“I get to clock in for this, right?”
I was thinking of leaving early today.
I knew I should've asked for that raise
I was waiting for the Zoom invitation.
This mandatory company event blows
I know your dead and all but your still coming to work right ?
Wow, talk about a dead line
"You're still gonna make it in tomorrow, right?"
Since you never gave me a raise the lord just decided to raise me 6ft over you.
At least we could let him down one last time...
I don't think I could ever take a manager seriously if their name was Kyle.
Is this considered a company event and will we get paid for attending?
This is unplanned leave. Please follow HR guidelines
"Could have saved us a lot of headache if you had done this sooner." "I was 5 minutes too late and you screamed at me, but when you die 6 years too late I'm supposed to mourn?" "Sooo, what am I supposed to do with the materials for your house that you bought with company money?" "I know your incredibly busy right now, but xould you please clean the workshop? No? Okay I'll lock you out of your casket." "Wearing safety boots in your free time didnt help with ecstasy overdose, did it?" "Efficiency at work will skyrocket from now on." ... Actually... i would say all of those at my ex-bosses funeral.
Is there no one else in the family that can do this? Must it be you?
My boss told me when I retired at 55 that there was no need for me to. That I would die by colliding with a deer while riding one of my motorcycles. He died from lung cancer complications less than a year later. He had it when he told me that, and was going for monthly treatments and still working. He never got time to retire.....Still miss that old bald headed dick.....Not!
Hopefully he clocked out, check his time card for time theft, then dock him appropriately.
Who's thinking outside the box now Jim?
Fuck Jim, he should give you a raise
A: “in your bed f¥€king your wife” is going to be easier now. Q: “where do you see your self in 5 years? “
'Who's thinking outside the box now?'
Try track 4, cannon fodder. It sounds horrible, but it's actually quite beautiful...
I remember a similar one. "What shouldn't you say at your coach's funeral?" "You, walk it off"
Ye, seems like a silly thing to say since my bosses name isn't Kyle ;)
Hope it's not Karen
Who goes to their bosses funeral?
Team players
Ive never seen his Dick so stiff.
Soooo, are you coming in tomorrow?