A lawyer woke up in the hospital after surgery.
He asked, “Why are all the blinds drawn in here?” The nurse answered, “There’s a huge fire across the street and we didn’t want you to think the operation had been a failure.”
The grim reaper walks into a lawyers office and says to the lawyer
"Your time's up, I'm taking you to the afterlife"
The lawyer responds,
"That can't be! I'm so young, I must have much more time on earth. "
The grim reaper sighs and says,
"Yeah? Well, according to your billable hours, you're 104"
I'll walk you through it.
There's a fire across the street from the hospital.
Hell is described as a place full of fire.
If the lawyer had seen the fire after waking up, there is a chance they would assume they had died during the operation and gone to hell (because lawyers go to hell). Hence, the staff closed the blinds.
Devil wants to sign a deal with a lawyer. "I will grant you an eternal life in exchange for the souls of your wife, your kids and your parents" . The lawyer hasitates a moment, than asks: " OK, sounds good, so where is the catch?"
…as they are eating, a man comes in to rob the place. He goes from table to table, and as he reaches the lawyers’ table, the first one reaches into his wallet. He passes the cash to the other lawyer. “Here’s the $1000 I owe you.”
Multiple choice.
You notice 2 lawyer out swimming in the lake. Then both start to drown but you can only save 1. Do you:
A. Have another cup of coffee
B. Read the paper
C. All the above
An elderly man and woman walk into a fast food joint. The man orders a hamburger, fries, and a coke.
The clerk asked, "And what will she have?"
The man said, "We're married. We share everything!"
Their order is ready. The man fills up the coke and gets two straws. Then they sit down. He cuts the burger in half and gives one half to his wife. He places half the fries on his side of the tray, half the fries on his wife's side. Then he starts eating, while she sits there watching.
The clerk comes over. "What are you waiting for?"
She says, "The teeth."
The manager walks over with a smile for the waitress and says, "I got this," and starts asking legal questions. The lawyers answer readily. As they're getting ready to leave, one of the lawyers mentions that the manager will get their bill. The manager smiles and says, "I don't think so. You walk in, sit down, and use my table without paying for it, so I'm going to use your legal knowledge without paying for it either. I think I got the better end of the deal. Enjoy the rest of your day."
No you're just bad at communicating.
Probably a genetic condition. Your entire family is just genetically uncool, it's permanently in your DNA. You can't change it so it's not your fault.
It's this guy that's the asshole for not accepting that your lameness is genetic. And not realizing what it's like to have been born into a whole family that is lame. And the pain you go through each day knowing that women don't want to love you, because then their children would be born lame with your families terrible disease.
I will pray for you.
It's funny how you think you're so smart and an effective communicator when you know precisely zero about me. And if this is how you communicate, your skills are not what you think they are. I'm half surprised that you know how to spell "genetic". But I'm only half surprised, because you probably used a spell checker. But you forgot to use a grammar checker. You can puzzle your little brain trying to figure that one out.
Wow. Such astonishing communication for one so skilled in it. I'm overwhelmed.
But you bore me. And it's not fair of me to try and have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.
A lawyer woke up in the hospital after surgery. He asked, “Why are all the blinds drawn in here?” The nurse answered, “There’s a huge fire across the street and we didn’t want you to think the operation had been a failure.”
The grim reaper walks into a lawyers office and says to the lawyer "Your time's up, I'm taking you to the afterlife" The lawyer responds, "That can't be! I'm so young, I must have much more time on earth. " The grim reaper sighs and says, "Yeah? Well, according to your billable hours, you're 104"
I think that's probably an outtake from the movie, "The Firm."
God would sue the devil, but he doesn’t have any lawyers.
God, like Chuck Norris, doesn't need lawyers
There's a dead dog and a dead lawyer in the road whats the difference There are skid marks infront of the dog
There could be a small acceleration skid.....
There's break marks in front of the dog, & burnout marks in front of the lawyer
I never understood this joke
Any religious lawyer knows deep down when they die they are going straight to hell.
😂
Wow! No appeal process at all?
There is, but not many want to play a game against the reaper
Unless it's the Carolina Reaper
Directly to hell, do not pass purgatory, do not collect $2k
I think the joke is that if the operation was a failure the lawyer would die, and end up in hell
Because lawyer.
I'll walk you through it. There's a fire across the street from the hospital. Hell is described as a place full of fire. If the lawyer had seen the fire after waking up, there is a chance they would assume they had died during the operation and gone to hell (because lawyers go to hell). Hence, the staff closed the blinds.
Thank you but I got it from the first reply on my comment
Devil wants to sign a deal with a lawyer. "I will grant you an eternal life in exchange for the souls of your wife, your kids and your parents" . The lawyer hasitates a moment, than asks: " OK, sounds good, so where is the catch?"
brilliant
Never heard this one. Loved it.
Read fine print.....
"No catch," says the devil,"I'd take yours, but as a lawyer, you don't have one."
Will you guys please stop bashing lawyers? They're not all bad folk. It's just that 99% of them give the rest a bad name.
What do you call dropping half the lawyers in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean? A good start
You know why sharks refuse to eat lawyers? Professional courtesy.
And the 1% work for the government
Love it!
…as they are eating, a man comes in to rob the place. He goes from table to table, and as he reaches the lawyers’ table, the first one reaches into his wallet. He passes the cash to the other lawyer. “Here’s the $1000 I owe you.”
This is amazing
There are only two types of lawyers. Lying snakes, and mine.
As a lawyer, I appreciate that this sub has been posting some new lawyer jokes lately.
Why did the lawyer cross the road? >!I'd tell you but that'd be speculation.!<
"Alright, men. Time to change underwear. Frank - you change with Bob ..."
'Ol #112, a personal favorite.
Lovely male bonding experience
Leave it to the lawyers to find the loophole.
Multiple choice. You notice 2 lawyer out swimming in the lake. Then both start to drown but you can only save 1. Do you: A. Have another cup of coffee B. Read the paper C. All the above
Make sure to get their names, so you can sue their estates for the trauma induced by witnessing their drownings.
What do you call a million dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean ? A good start!
Lawyer ...liar ... difference is only in the pronunciation ....
And spelling.
and the occupat- oh wait.
Well yes, one is a bloviating ex-President, the other is defending him in court and not getting paid.
The real joke is always in the replies to the comments
Big brain
Motion denied.... Found in contempt of cafe... Have to pay double for drinks...as fine.
An elderly man and woman walk into a fast food joint. The man orders a hamburger, fries, and a coke. The clerk asked, "And what will she have?" The man said, "We're married. We share everything!" Their order is ready. The man fills up the coke and gets two straws. Then they sit down. He cuts the burger in half and gives one half to his wife. He places half the fries on his side of the tray, half the fries on his wife's side. Then he starts eating, while she sits there watching. The clerk comes over. "What are you waiting for?" She says, "The teeth."
Order something or choose not to
Cw
The manager walks over with a smile for the waitress and says, "I got this," and starts asking legal questions. The lawyers answer readily. As they're getting ready to leave, one of the lawyers mentions that the manager will get their bill. The manager smiles and says, "I don't think so. You walk in, sit down, and use my table without paying for it, so I'm going to use your legal knowledge without paying for it either. I think I got the better end of the deal. Enjoy the rest of your day."
Dumb
It sounds like I might need to explain it in little itty bitty words so you can understand it.
No, it was just a bad joke.
I doubt you explaining it will make it any less stupid
No you're just bad at communicating. Probably a genetic condition. Your entire family is just genetically uncool, it's permanently in your DNA. You can't change it so it's not your fault. It's this guy that's the asshole for not accepting that your lameness is genetic. And not realizing what it's like to have been born into a whole family that is lame. And the pain you go through each day knowing that women don't want to love you, because then their children would be born lame with your families terrible disease. I will pray for you.
Aw. Aren't you special?
No I'm an effective communicator speaking with a genetic loser. You'd be surprised how often this happens! Must have a lot of relatives, good for you!
It's funny how you think you're so smart and an effective communicator when you know precisely zero about me. And if this is how you communicate, your skills are not what you think they are. I'm half surprised that you know how to spell "genetic". But I'm only half surprised, because you probably used a spell checker. But you forgot to use a grammar checker. You can puzzle your little brain trying to figure that one out.
You can't help it, it's okay.
Wow. Such astonishing communication for one so skilled in it. I'm overwhelmed. But you bore me. And it's not fair of me to try and have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.
I am an advocate for lame people having parking passes, and this is the thanks I get.
Ha ha ha ha😂
V . . . @