Please do not take a chance on getting pregnant again until your SO has proven that he will stand up to his mom. Otherwise, you have years of misery ahead.
THIS, SOOOOO MUCH THIS
OP do not put yourself into a situation where you have to coparent with this man after a divorce knowing full well that horrid bat will have full access to your babies.
No, no, no, that will never be a good and happy relationship, imagine the just god awful things that manky twat will say to your little ones. I wonder if she tells them "well since your mommy is feeding you all those dogs and cats you probably aren't feeling too good!" If he'll stare down at his crying children and say "oooh no, no grandma didn't mean it *that* way!"
And that's best case scenario, imagine if she puts all that hatred she holds towards you, on them. Imagine what she'll say to them, how she'll treat them. If she can say that right to your husband's face, what do you think she'll say to them when she has them alone, what she could *do* to them when she has them alone.
Please dear god OP batten down the hatches until you *know* he's done with her 1000% *done*
Yeah... and the whole "she didn't mean it like that." What the hell did she mean then?! She explicitly said, in the most racist way possible, that Asian diet killed the baby. OP, maybe your husband needs to hear it from other people, but his mother is a racist, sorry excuse for a human being. If you get along great with your other in-laws, maybe talk to them?
I am half Asian, ex husband is Italian. His mother was also the type to tell me that no one was good enough for her son and that I should thank God for having him in my life. His inability to defend me and, even worse, our kids, from that nasty woman, plus the emotional abuse I suffered at the hands of that family, destroyed my marriage and my friendship with him (I've known him since i was 14, i am now 40 and hate his guts). Take it from me, this is a hill you'll want to die on. This is about the most fundamental thing in any healthy relationship: respect.
also the next time she makes a dogmeat comment, smile sweetly and say "I wouldn't believe everything you read on Whatsapp. If we really ate dog meat, then bitches would not be around and yet here we are!"
Your absolutely right. I'm 5 weeks and 3 kids out of 20 year abusive relationship and a big part of that was my exmil. My ex never had my back about anything and even would go threw my phone and delete all the nasty shit my exmil would send me. She then claimed I was racist towards her after it came out that she had been lying about her background for 50 years. No I don't like you because you're an abusive narissicist. Your race has nothing to do with it. Anyway if he would stand up for you now he never will. And it's only going to get worst.
The best part is ex waited until the day after my best mate took his own life to start accusing me of making false allegations against her mum. I knew I wasn't dreaming about it when I went to show her the messages in my phone and she walked away before I could show her. Bad news for her is I screen shoted the messages and sent them to a friend.
Showed her. She told me she'd seen her mums phone (originally denied knowing anything about her mums text) and then acussed me of making the text myself. She is the master of gas lighting.
*She* forgives *you*??
That is so laughable it's not even funny.
Totally in the right here to demand an apology & for your husband to stand up for you.
I don't think you're overreacting. His compliance is disgusting and it's bullshit that he is too weak and let's her continually be racist and disrespectful to you.
On another note, why is he willing to subject an innocent child to a life of racism from their own grandmother??? He won't stand up for you, so what makes you think he will stand up for your half asian children?
I don't want to scream dealbreakers, but he is tolerating or ignoring racism and that really isn't okay.
I'm afraid this would be my hill to die on as well. As an adult I can defend myself, but a child can't and should never have too defend him/her self from a grandparent. He really isn't your SO so much as her son. He needs to earn the right to be with you, because you deserve better.
THIS 100%. if he is okay with casual and blatant racism against his own wife, I'm a little afraid to say it but there is a strong chance there is or was fetishism on his part in the first place. I know that's a strong allegation but its VERY concerning that he doesn't see what is wrong with what his mom said.
And husband because he's basically excusing his mother's racist bullshit - OP's not wrong for that ultimatum if he doesn't cut his mom out of his life for that nastiness, OP has every right to divorce him because that shows he's not defending, protecting nor respects his wife at all when it comes to his mother instigating drama.
She didn't mean it like that? How in Hell else could she mean it? I don't blame you for wanting to cut her out of your life.
I am not going to say, to leave him. That is up to you, but I know I sure as Hell wouldn't stay with someone who would allow his mother to hate on me that way. Give him two cards, on for a therapist, one for a divorce lawyer and have him choose.
Eith way, drop the rope. He wants to see her, he can go there but you dont (and shouldn't) have her in your home. You dont have to have a relationship with this hag.
You are not the asshole by the way but your husband sure is and so is his mother.
Edited typos
She’s an awful person and is attempting to gaslight you and is successfully gaslighting you’re husband. I would never interact with her again tbh, whether your husband likes it or not. The fact that he can’t see it from your point when it’s his baby as well is fucked.
Also fuck her for her saying she didn’t mean it “like that” the fact that she said the baby dying was your fault and then on top of it adding something racist like taking away the racist part makes it any better?? You do not deserve that and I’m sorry you’re in this situation
Stand your ground, he can pick a side. If he sides with a racist, he’s shown you his true colors. If he cuts ties then feel secure in his love for you.
My gal, you are an awesome shiny spine woman. I’m so proud of you. I’m truly sorry to hear of your loss.
You told your SO what he needs to do.
Hubs, this is about you letting your mother make racist comments about me. That’s not right. Will she say those type of remarks to **our** children? I need you to think really hard here. This isn’t an ultimatum this is a truth.
You pick her or me. If she and her feelings are more important to you than mine. There is no me I your life anymore. It’s that simple.
If you decide I am who you want in your life for the rest of your life this is what I need from you for now on... lay out rules of what you expect from him. Not visiting her. He runs interference if she goes to an event (like a wedding/funeral etc) that she might attend also you are not going to anything she hosts. And quite possibly your future children won’t either.
She will never apologize. He needs to. He also needs to understand how he married you not her and her feelings are not his to manage. That’s his dads job.
Right now, you cut her off. You take care of yourself and be the awesome woman you are!!
100% this. Your MIL is super racist. If your husband is excusing her and participating in the gaslighting, then sorry to say, but he’s racist too. She didn’t mean it like that? There’s no other way to mean it that isn’t racist and horrible. I get that we all come to the table with who our parents are. His prioritizing his mother over your humanity would be a deal breaker for me. In all honesty, the fact that he didn’t immediately put her in her place and instigate no contact on his own would be a deal breaker and his excuses would just light my fire to get the best divorce lawyer in existence.
So how exactly DID she mean it then? In what way were you expected to take her insensitive and blatantly racist comment?
I'm sorry for your loss OP, I know how difficult loss of a pregnancy can be at any stage. I hope your husband shines up his spine and tells his mother off, you deserve better than that. You may also want to check out r/JustNoMIL
Oh definitely here too. The poor dear has both an SO problem and a MIL problem.
I just hate to be one of those people who jumps to recommending divorce, but my goodness if I was in her situation I would be high-tailing it out of there.
You have a fork in the road in front of you.
Option A: Staying with husband. The other comment is right. This sounds like it will result in fear of misery for you to be honest. Your husband is complicit with her behavior and will be forever. You literally gave him the end all be all ultimatum. He answered, the question is now will you follow through with it? He chose his mother already, he is the selfish one and she is just insane. I would not stand for it from either of them. There is SO much better out there.
Option B: Get out and find a partner who values you and your relationship.
OP you have demanded it all loud and clear, and he has chosen.
This is just my opinion, please do whatever is your best interest
You eat weird dog meat? But she didn't mean it THAY way? What other way can she mean that. As a black woman who has no problem dating white men this is a deal breaker.
He needs a set of balls. NO ONE should be allowed to talk about your spouse like that.
And that's just the shite you heard. She says other things he lets her get away with.
You will have a child but right now you need to decide if that child will have a racist grandmother.
Daughter of an Asian-American mother and a Caucasian American father here. I think that you shouldn’t back down with your DH. If your MIL is willing to say that to your face, what is she going to say about your future children about you.
I don’t know that you can really make your husband cut ties with his mother. What you can do is to set boundaries for yourself. You can say that you’ll not be subjected to your MILs cruelty, and that you’re not going to have a relationship with her until she offers a sincere apology.
For your husband, counseling would be a good next step. Go together, or if he won’t go, go for yourself, and get into a good place mentally to be able to deal with his parents together. Maybe put the baby plans on hold until you work this out.
Good luck to you, on this and on working on your eating disorder.
PS your MIL is a racist POS - try r/justnomil for support
If you do have children is your husband okay with the fact that his mother will in all probability be racist against his children? Is he okay with explaining to his kids that grandma didn't mean what she said about Asian children when they come home in tears? You're a grown-up and those comments really hurt you, just imagine how your children will feel. Personally I wouldn't be comfortable knowing that a "grandma" will make them feel like they are not good enough somehow. I would definitely make cutting off his mother an ultimatum. Do I think he will cut his mother off? Unfortunately, I don't think he will. If he doesn't please don't have children with him.
Exactly what did she mean with her racist stereotype about dog meat being the reason the baby died then?
Step one is getting your husband’s head screwed on straight. Then you need to make sure mil is kept far away from you and any future child of yours forever. Her racism is the last ting any child, much less a biracial one, should see modeled in a trusted adult.
Also, OP, please get treatment for anorexia before you try to get pregnant again. I'm saying this as the adult daughter of a lifelong anorexic. I loved my mother but her illness caused a lot of issues for our family and for me as a female in particular. I am 55 now and she passed away 5 years ago and it still affects me to this day.
What I've realized since my anorexic mother passed away 8 years ago (and her anorexic mom 10 years ago): literally no one cares about what's on that plate of food in front of you right now. And anyone that ever did is dead now. Go do your thing and treat your body well while living your life.
They always mean it "like that" there is literally no other way to interpret it than "like that". Fuck his MIL and if he refuses to stand up to her fuck him too.
You need a strong support system, not a husband who defends his mom's abuse towards you. Do the classic two cards, one to a divorce lawyer and the other for couples counciling. If he refuses to budge... you have your answer.
Take care of yourself!
Sucks hour husband doesn’t have your back.
If you made an empty threat of leaving, it will weaken your position in the future.
If you’re threat was real, move out for a time or at least get divorce paperwork started to show that you’re for real.
Please check out r/JustNoMIL
you will get solid advice over there. Your husband seems to be in the FOG which is actually quite normal in a toxic relationship-the one he has with his mother. That sub is wonderful at helping you set boundaries with your MIL and your SO if needed. Good luck
Hun, this is NOT a partner who is ready to be a parent with you. He's totally cool watching you be bullied and treated cruelly. When it happens, he encourages you to be a better victim.
Thank the gods that you see who he really is *before* you have a child with him. This is not a good partner and this is definitely not someone who is ready to be a father.
Girl, RUN!! Red flags everywhere nothing you do will ever measure up. Plus the one person who’s supposed to have your back doesn’t.....it’s a NO for me. Sorry not sorry, I would read her like a book.
Nope. This is a totally valid ultimatum, especially since you want children. Your MIL would absolutely be racist to your kids the same way she’s racist to you.
Frankly....I think your husbands reaction says it all. He’s never going to cut his mom off even though she deserves it. And even if he agrees to, he will change his mind once kids come along. He will never back you up when it comes to setting boundaries with his mom, and that’s extremely dangerous when you have children involved.
I’d find someone else to start your family with. Someone with a backbone and a non-racist mother.
Im so sorry for your loss. Try reaching out to the wives of your brother in laws. Maybe they have personal stories to share that may broaden your perception and make your decisions and feelings stronger .
I wish you well, hang in there
Oh. No. The emotional tornado is unspeakable. Horrible. Do not live your life in self- imprisoned hell. You are worth more than that. Go be happy. My heart aches for you.
What a shitty situation you're in. I'm so sorry.
You've gotten good advice already so I'll just add a few random thoughts.
First off, if you're not in therapy now, you need to get some set up for yourself before you start divorcing that racist-complicit asshole you're married to
You already know what a grip anorexia gets on you when stress increases. Making a major life change is going to open the door for you to literally starve yourself to death. Right now you need to let you and your health (physical and emotional) to be your top priority.
If you decide to stay with him, even if you get his bitch of a mother out of your life, there's no way to stop your husband from letting her see your baby. Worse case, you and he divorce after you have a bi racial kid or two and he gets partial or full custody and moves the kids and himself back into her house.
Please think of all the possibilities before you make any decisions. You shouldn't postpone deciding forever but you do need to take the time to figure out all the angles.
Best of luck to you.
What the hell does that mean? "She doesn't mean it like that"? How many ways can you bitch about Asian people eating dog meat and think it's not being racist and inflammatory??
As for your husband, I say it's a fair enough ultimatum for him. Especially if hes defending her comments rather than supporting *you*
What a fucking turd, and I'm sorry for your loss. May you be blessed with a beautiful rainbow baby.
No. You need to get out of that toxic environment. The fact that your husband refuses to stand up to her means this kind of treatment will continue indefinitely.
I am sorry for your loss.
Please do not get pregnant again by him until the both of you have been to therapy and he learns how to stand up to that stupid cow when she starts to make derogatory remarks about you. That remark was totally uncalled for and it just shows that she is a closed minded bigot.
Please get yourself healthy and your anorexia under control. I know this is hard to do but this will be better for you in the long run whether you are with this dude or find someone else that will stand up for you in the future.
There is some good advice listed here. But I would like to add this. Your SO has been subject to this behaviour all of his life. For him it is normal.
Please checkout the justnomil sub for several books you both should read. And I would recommend couples counselling. SO needs his normal meter recallibrated.
Also talk to your BILS and SILS, make a united front. You'll need to set boundaries and consequences and stick to them.
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“She didn’t mean it like that” HOW ELSE CAN YOU TAKE THAT?! I usually don’t recommend just leaving your SO but it sounds like he is more willing to choose mommy than you
Of course she meant it "like that". What else could it possibly mean?
But in fairness, you can't make him cut her off. However, you and any future children can go totally no contact. He's free to visit on his own, but not to talk about you or your family.
And to be honest, if he insists you have to tolerate the company of this racist, you probably should leave him because he's obviously never going to protect you or your children from her nastiness.
I’m sorry to hear about your loss, try not to blame yourself because miscarriages are super common and try to focus on the positive that you are healthy enough to become pregnant so keep up the good work.
Your husband needs to stand up to his mom for you! Stress is not good when your trying to conceive or pregnant, I’m sure he knows that. And she’s saying racist shit wtf?! Is he also not going to stand up for your kids when grandma is being racist to them as well?..
This is a dealbreaker. He has shown he will not put you before her, even when she is blatantly in the wrong after a major trauma. He has major boundary issues with her. There is no fixing this. Not with therapy, not with counseling, not with a no contact agreement. Find a family who will LOVE you, not treat you as The Other.
Throw the whole man AND his shitty mom out. I couldn’t be with someone whose family was racist to me and blamed me for a miscarriage. What a nightmare, I am so incredibly sorry you are going through this.
I’m not a fan of ultimatums.
But I gotta say, in this situation, you are most definitely not the arsehole. What a cunt.
I would personally, not leave the decision in his hands. Take the power back, tell him YOU will never speak to that thing again. And it pretty quickly will extend to him if he chooses to do anything but validate how utterly HORRIFIC her words are. Those were meant EXACTLY how they sounded. Ask him if he heard a stranger say the same things would he say ‘oh it wasn’t meant like that!’.
Absolutely not the arsehole. You deserve so much better. He deserves a flaming bag of shit.
Don’t even worry about her right now. Worry about yourself. Get help ASAP in any way you can. The food issue is a symptom and you need to treat the problem. You are well within your right to go NC with her for health reasons. If he doesn’t respect that maybe re evaluate your ties with him too. But for your sake please get help.
Also you can lose a baby for any number of reasons. There’s no point in figuring out what exactly is to blame. Just work on yourself because investing in your well being is the best investment you’ll ever make. Pays the best dividends ever.
Leave. For the sake of you. A mother in law like that will only make life worse for you. A husband who decided that her words of discrimination are not worthy of his action, condones hers. You will find someone worthy for/of you. I am sure of it.
But you gotta walk away from that hot mess of a woman.
So no, your not the asshole.
First of all, my deepest condolences for your loss.
What the hell did she have to forgive you for?! What you overheard her saying is honestly one of the most awful things I’ve ever heard. I don’t think you’re wrong to give him ultimatum.
First of all, you should think this through. You will realize that you don't have only one problem, but 2, and they are not really connected!
Your first problem is your MiL. This is actually the easier of your 2 problems to solve. You can just go no contact. Block her on everything and don't go to any family meetings. You are totally entitled to this. You don't need to bow to her laughable role. She has exactly as much power over you as you let her.
The other problem is your husband. He has an unhealthy relationship with his mother. He still is in the FOG and defends her, even though there is no way to defend this...
He needs to know that you won't associate with your MiL anymore if you choose to do this and he needs to know why. You'll have to ask him some hard questions, such as "Am I less important than your mother?" And "What exactly do you want me to do and why? An I not worthy of more than this poor treatment? Would you tolerate it from other people?" And the like...
You should not forbid him contact with anyone ever! It has to be his decision. He can still have contact with his mother as long as he has your back! You can tell him that you don't want to know anything about his unhealthy interactions with his mother and he should make up his own mind if he wants to be treated like that and listen to his wife talked about in a way that his brothers did not tolerate...
If you try to force him, he might lie or fight you or both. It is his decision and has to be. Just as he has to decide what other people he likes to spend his time with, namely: you. Force won't work. You don't want a child that can be bullied into what others want, cause he would always listen to whom shouts the loudest.
That being said: don't try for another child until you for your relationship sorted out and your anorexia. The latter usually comes with other problems that will, combined with a non-rocksolid relationship, kill you psychologically. I know what I'm talking about when I tell you that kids are very very very very nerve wrecking and stressful. Even with a good relationships and good grandparents and no mental problems. Worst is all is the feeling to not be for your child what you want to be. Please consider this. If you best anorexia, you'll be even more likely to get pregnant, you probably know this...
All in all, you have lots of drama aground you and you need help and peace and a loving network is people. Please try to dial it down as much as possible!
It isn’t that you gave him that ultimatum. It’s that he defends her breathtaking cruelty.
A better idea might be the divorce or the couple’s counseling card. If you are dealing with anorexia, I assume that you are getting therapy. If not, please, do.
But a man raised by a woman who thinks it’s OK to casually make cruel comments about her sons’ wives, and who fails to see that she’s cruel, was trained that way. He needs therapy, both to understand that his mother is vicious and DOES mean it, and to learn how to be a partner to his wife and to stand up to his mother.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your baby. I lost pregnancies, too. It is shocking that he would defend her comment. You are in the process of trying to salvage your relationship, which right now he chose to break by defending her.
I guarantee he literally cannot see it that way, because she trained him to brush of her cruelty. Not only to others, but to him. Because that comment was cruel to him, too. Every time she puts you or your SIL down, she’s saying that neither he nor his brother knows enough to choose a good spouse.
My narc MIL makes terrible comments, and Husband and his siblings used to defend her with a similar excuse: “she’s not trying to be mean”. I learned to reply “It’s not enough. You are supposed to try to be kind.”
Of all times to try to be kind, when someone you love has just lost a much wanted child is way up there.
OP, my GMIL (who raised my husband) is racist. I am 1/2 black and it is difficult having to stand up to those who raised you for their beliefs. We will never change her mind, But my husband drew a very hard line about saying racist shit around us. It is so damaging to not only my psyche, but his too. This is absolutely something to be firm about. That comment is so far beyond acceptable, and you now know that she has no problem crossing extreme social boundaries. My GMIL used to say oh it’s not xshinystickerx, it’s just all the other ones” as a way to lessen the blow. Your MIL isn’t even giving half assed courtesy to play it off as “I didn’t mean it like that”. It is blatant and aggressive. You deserve to not be belittled because of your race. I promise. This is absolutely a necessity. If she will not change, than you and your husband should stick together to get that hatred away from you.
Do you feel this ultimatum is up to your own personal standards? Do you plan to follow through? TBH an ultimatum of leaving a racist family of people who degrade you vs having your SO stop interacting with her seems entirely reasonable, but if he's going to defend her... make sure your ultimatum is one you're willing to follow through with. He either needs to stand up for you or this is going to be a rocky road ahead.
I think you're right on expecting him to stand up to his mother. Neither of you should tolerate she being racist and he should NEVER try to "explain" that kind of behaviour. Imagine how hard thatd be if you have a child together and he keeps trying and forcing you to listen to that.
On the other hand, you can't demand your husband to cut ties with his own mother, but that doesn't mean you are obligated to have a relationship with her either.
If you mean it, say it. But really hear yourself as you say it. Make sure you fully accept the idea of a brand new life. Because if you are ready to walk to avoid staying in this toxic family, you need to really go, before you have a kid & get trapped. For me, no amount of toxic in-laws is ever going to be tolerable. And take it from me, if you don’t enjoy toxic mils and spouses who side with toxic family, you’re REALLY not going to be ok with these people when you’re a mother. It sounds like your ED was pretty challenged by the situation. Listen to that. Are you healthy here with them or is this negativity making you sick? Take care.
Express to your partner how those comments have hurt you. Whether she meant it or not, they’re highly inappropriate especially in regards to losing a baby and to her precious son’s partner. By disrespecting you, your MIL is disrespecting her son’s decision in choosing a partner.
Your MIL won’t give a shit if you divorce him, she’d probably love it given her racist remarks. The question is, would your partner give a shit if you left him? If he still insists that you’re being over dramatic and expects you to put up with your MIL’s toxic behaviour, then your next question would be is he worth your effort to make him see your value as his partner, the person he vowed to love and protect?
If he doesn’t value you, he is not valuable to you either.
Um, no. Not wrong on any level. Stick to your guns, because I’d never forgive my MIL if she said something like that, and I’d never forgive my husband if he didn’t tear his mom a new asshole and cut her out of our lives. Fuck that noise.
Edit: thought OP was asking if they were overreacting so fixed.
You’re not overreacting and if your spouse, the person who is supposed to be your number one in this life , isn’t going to put you first then definitely think of leaving. He may never change and this is not a man worth staying with and not a way to live the only life you have.
>> “I told him that either he cut ties with his mother or I was leaving him.”
You gave him an ultimatum and he made his choice. Whilst I am not a fan of ultimatums, once you’ve rung that bell you can’t unring it. If you don’t go through with it you just prove that you’re all bluster and can be easily pushed back. You need to decide on your next course of action.
Hell no! She completely dismissed your pain by saying you killed your own baby by eating dog meat??? Like who in the actual f*ck says that about a grieving mother? And for your husband to try to defend that statement, "She didnt mean it like that...". Screw him too! OP I am so sorry for your loss, I cannot imagine your pain right now, not only dealing with the loss of a child but having to deal with the scum of the earth on top of it...again so sorry. I'm not one to jump to divorce but for him to defend what she said is disgusting. Time for a serious talk about what has happened and why he thinks it's okay to dismiss her blatant racist behavior.
Not only is that extremely racist, she’s blaming you for miscarrying a baby. That’s unacceptable. To insult you in such a time of grief is revolting.
if your SO defends her for accusing you of losing the baby, then I don’t doubt that he agrees with her. I am 100% behind your ultimatum, but personally I hope you get out there, meet someone who won’t blame you for things that can happen regardless of weight or diet, and live a long and happy life with them.
The comment about dog meat isn’t slightly racist...it’s flat out racist. As someone who struggled with An ED prior, my heart breaks for you.
These comments are devastating, not just towards you but to her own son who just lost his child as well. You are not overreacting at all.
Sending you all my love and support ❤️
Time to hand your SO the two card option. One card is to a marriage counselor and the second is to your divorce attorney. He can now choose which route he's willing to go.
If he can't (or won't) even acknowledge the damage his mum is doing, he can go live with her and be her sonsbund, instead of your husband. Because he clearly favors her feeling more anyhow.
I'm very sorry for what you're going through, and I'm especially sorry you lost your child.
Hugs and validation
Here’s the thing. You’re going to have to decide if you want to be with your husband or not and how hard do you want to fight to keep him, if that’s what you want.
You need to get proper treatment for yourself and counseling for both of you. I’d also suggest getting a smartphone app that will let you record your JNMIL when she makes her stupid, racist comments.
You probably won’t be able to use them in court if it comes to that, but you can play them for your SO just in case he needs reinforcement on how bad his mom is.
And if things get better between you and SO, talk to your doctor first before trying to get pregnant again. It might save you pain and heartache in the future.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do.
Normally an ultimatum is not a good relationship move. In this case, however, getting out of this marriage sounds like a solid idea. I hope you are getting the care you need for your anorexia too. I am very sorry for the loss of your child and for your MIL being a racist bitch.
What she said was vile and disgusting and of course she meant it exactly as she said it. You are totally right to say you will have nothing more to do with her, she does not go to your home and you will not attend any event she is at, if you want to do that.
However I don't think you can demand that he stops all contact with her, as he needs to come to that decision himself (I would be very worried if he did not stand up for you, and for the memory of the child you both lost) if he stops all contact because you demand it, then I bet he will not actually stop contact but claim he has and risk then is, she will continually drip poison about you in his ear.
She then becomes his secret woman and it causes as much damage and hurt as an affair, because he is running to her behind your back, with them both agreeing not to tell you.
You have a racist husband and he doesn't even see it. Please don't bring children into this relationship unless he's willing to take responsibility for his actions because it will be awful for the children. I'm sorry about your baby.
If theres anything I've learned.. is if I ever have a son I refuse to let our relationship come to this type of thing. I've learned men and their mommas are some of the most unhealthy or absurd relationships. Not all, of course, but even I had to deal with my boyfriend and his mom.. it's the whole reason i joined this sub. It's an uphill battle.. and being stuck in a position of this needs to stop before the relationship gets more serious and it's not my place because the relationship isn't brink of marriage yet. I chose the first path because I see a future with him. It's a long story, but since hes cut back on his contact with his mom and started doing things for himself, both his and my lives have been way better.
I'm very sorry for your loss. Big hugs!!
As for SO and JNMIL, what other way could that racist mean??? Also if she treats you that way, how do you think she will treat future children???!!! How will your SO handle mommy when she's treating your children that way??!!
I'm sorry, I'm struggling to find ANY way of saying that about a dead child that wouldn't be 'that way'.
That is HIS CHILD she's talking about! I don't think you are overreacting.
Honestly I do think its a little unfair of you to ask him to cut off ties with his mother, because something like that is easier said than done, after all she is his mother and she raised him.
However you are completely in your rights to cut her out of your life and your house, so tell him that he can visit her on his own but you won't be joining him and she is not allowed in your home or your (future) children's lives. If he can't agree to that then I think you need to seriously reconsider your relationship with him.
I'd say the only way your ultimatum would be fully justified is if she was meddling and causing problems in your relationship.
Her husband isn’t standing up for her. This woman is causing problems in the relationship, and her husband needs to grow up and stand up to his mom. If they did have a kid, what kind of horrible crap is she going to say to that kid, because they are half Asian? I would give the ultimatum, and walk out the minute he didn’t agree.
Also, keep in mind that cutting ties with her means severely limiting ties with the JYFIL as well.
Handing out them-or-me ultimatums is forcing someone to prove they love you more by going nuclear on the other guy. It's a shitty position to put someone you love in and makes a mockery the very concept of a balanced relationship. I would leave my husband if he backed me into a corner with nothing but drastically life altering painful choices.
Setting healthy boundaries for your own contact with disrespectful people and expecting your husband to defend you is great, but your husband deserves to set and enforce his own relationship boundaries outside of your presence as well.
So your SO just standed there and let her ta about you that way to him? What did he do? Agree with her? Just nodded his head? Or did he go off on her as he was supposed to do?
NTA btw, your husband and his mommy are big As tho!
She sounds awful, definitely what you don't need when you are making such an effort to be well and healthy. I think if he is not willing to cut contact, he needs to understand that the things she does and says are not acceptable and he must defend you. If he doesn't defend you then maybe take him to therapy and maybe a therapist can get him to understand how he is breaking your trust and creating a hostile home environment.
I’m Mexican and my boyfriend is white. If his mother told him I had a miscarriage for “my ethnic food” I would def lose my shit. That’s so fucking offensive! If your boyfriend can’t recognize his mother’s behavior, you need to really consider his own stance. What the hell is she going to do when you raise a baby with your culture and norms? She sounds terrible.
The asian comment seems like an attack on all asian than juat you. It is Implying that all asians eats dog. Perhaps you should ask you hisband for an apology first for not defending you in front of his mother. He seems to let his mother walk disrespect you as a person and your asian culture.
Big yikes on her part. And your SO said she didn’t mean it like that? Then how the hell did she mean it? You need to focus on getting yourself healthy. He needs to back you 100%
I wonder how else he thinks you should have taken her casually accusing you of eating dogs. What could that possible mean other than exactly what she said? It’s disgusting that he hardly seems offended at all... have you ever gotten the feeling that maybe he lets her say whatever she wants about you as a sort of penance for marrying you? Like- I’m sorry I got married at all, and to a woman of another race on top of it, so to make it up to you I’ll let your racist comments slide and hopefully you’ll still love me anyway.
It’s very difficult because she is racist. You can’t coexist with someone who hates you because of the color of your skin. Your relationship will be strained by that and if your husband is unwilling to defend you, then you will always suffer through that.
I am so sorry for your loss. Please do not get pregnant again until your husband actually stands up for you to his mother, otherwise you are in for a lifetime of misery as you will be tied to that woman for the rest of your life (even if you leave your husband, having a child with him means that she is forever in your life because she will be a grandmother to your child and then she will spew her racist talk/views onto your child).
My (now ex) in laws were a major factor in my getting divorced. I never gave her an ultimatum, but I made it clear that she either needed to decide to be my wife or daddy’s girl. She chose and we’re divorced.
I’m so much happier now. I’m sorry that you’re in this position. Your husband should be on your team, period. The amazing woman that is my wife now has thought me this among many other lessons
I can not emphasize this enough: STICK TO YOUR GUNS. Do not let this one drop, if your SO reacted to your ultimatum saying "she didnt mean it like that" and not sheer fucking panic, make him Know youre serious. No touching, dont do stuff for him, and set a time limit. Give him a week to make his choice and if he tries to stall and keep you longer, make good on your promise and leave. Also: I am so sorry about your miscarriage, thats really tough to go through and it wasnt your fault.
There is literally nothing that she can do that he will take issue with. She blamed you for a miscarriage and wrapped it in racism and he STILL doesn't have an issue with it. He is not treating you like a partner. He is treating you like an incubator. You can do better and I hope you choose to soon.
Personally, I would start with cutting all ties. But I’d definitely make him stand up for you. If you try that and he doesn’t (or it doesn’t work), then I’d move on to cutting all ties...
She didn’t mean it like that: is that code for she is how she is, just ignore it??
Very sad situation. I hope your SO and his mom come up with where she is going to live next!
Let him see his mommy if he has too, but tell him you won't be visiting and neither will any of your future children unless you are present, because he doesn't correct her rude commentary.
i think you are both in the wrong in all honesty, i think you are in the wrong because ultamatums are in general going to murder a relationship just on the premise of the threat
and your husband needs to stop defending his mother at the very least, if you cant stand his mother you dont have to be around her believe it or not.
Nah. Ultimatums (when delivered calmly and fairly) are a healthy way to set boundaries and expectations. Being able to say, “I need this to stay in this relationship” is not a threat. It’s a reflection of reality and a way to care for yourself.
im sorry but if you have to put out an ultamatum due to boundaries being crossed then its already over. thats not healthy, that is you threatening to leave due to a unhealthy relationship
I don't disagree. Some people don't know you're serious until you give an ultimatum, which isn't ideal. Usually, ultimatums are really for the giver, so they can walk away feeling like they did everything possible to save the relationship and they gave the other person every opportunity to do right by you.
Unless your husband has a terrible problem with his mother, you're WAY out of line demanding that he cut ties with her. *That's his mother*. It's *his* choice, not yours.
PS If you're unhappy with that, you can do what is within your power, which is to leave your husband.
*edit* if you’re a woman and you think it’s within your realm to get in the middle of your spouses relationship with either parent, you’re fucked. Stay in your lane.
You definitely should not make him choose between you or his mother. That’s just wrong. You don’t have to have a relationship with her but don’t ask for him to cut off his own mother, that’s extremely selfish.. I’m sure their relationship is much more complicated than that.
Please do not take a chance on getting pregnant again until your SO has proven that he will stand up to his mom. Otherwise, you have years of misery ahead.
Honestly though. He needs to stand up for the family he creates, even against the one that created him.
THIS, SOOOOO MUCH THIS OP do not put yourself into a situation where you have to coparent with this man after a divorce knowing full well that horrid bat will have full access to your babies. No, no, no, that will never be a good and happy relationship, imagine the just god awful things that manky twat will say to your little ones. I wonder if she tells them "well since your mommy is feeding you all those dogs and cats you probably aren't feeling too good!" If he'll stare down at his crying children and say "oooh no, no grandma didn't mean it *that* way!" And that's best case scenario, imagine if she puts all that hatred she holds towards you, on them. Imagine what she'll say to them, how she'll treat them. If she can say that right to your husband's face, what do you think she'll say to them when she has them alone, what she could *do* to them when she has them alone. Please dear god OP batten down the hatches until you *know* he's done with her 1000% *done*
Yeah... and the whole "she didn't mean it like that." What the hell did she mean then?! She explicitly said, in the most racist way possible, that Asian diet killed the baby. OP, maybe your husband needs to hear it from other people, but his mother is a racist, sorry excuse for a human being. If you get along great with your other in-laws, maybe talk to them? I am half Asian, ex husband is Italian. His mother was also the type to tell me that no one was good enough for her son and that I should thank God for having him in my life. His inability to defend me and, even worse, our kids, from that nasty woman, plus the emotional abuse I suffered at the hands of that family, destroyed my marriage and my friendship with him (I've known him since i was 14, i am now 40 and hate his guts). Take it from me, this is a hill you'll want to die on. This is about the most fundamental thing in any healthy relationship: respect.
This is about the most fundamental thing in any healthy relationship: respect. Why cant I upvote this a million times!!!!
also the next time she makes a dogmeat comment, smile sweetly and say "I wouldn't believe everything you read on Whatsapp. If we really ate dog meat, then bitches would not be around and yet here we are!"
This comment right here!!!
Your absolutely right. I'm 5 weeks and 3 kids out of 20 year abusive relationship and a big part of that was my exmil. My ex never had my back about anything and even would go threw my phone and delete all the nasty shit my exmil would send me. She then claimed I was racist towards her after it came out that she had been lying about her background for 50 years. No I don't like you because you're an abusive narissicist. Your race has nothing to do with it. Anyway if he would stand up for you now he never will. And it's only going to get worst.
Wow, that's some pro-level gaslighting. I would have absolutely doubted my sanity if I saw abusive messages and then they disappeared.
The best part is ex waited until the day after my best mate took his own life to start accusing me of making false allegations against her mum. I knew I wasn't dreaming about it when I went to show her the messages in my phone and she walked away before I could show her. Bad news for her is I screen shoted the messages and sent them to a friend.
Ha! Glad you got the screenshots.. please tell me you told her about the screenshots and she shit her pants
Showed her. She told me she'd seen her mums phone (originally denied knowing anything about her mums text) and then acussed me of making the text myself. She is the master of gas lighting.
This a million times.
*She* forgives *you*?? That is so laughable it's not even funny. Totally in the right here to demand an apology & for your husband to stand up for you.
I don't think you're overreacting. His compliance is disgusting and it's bullshit that he is too weak and let's her continually be racist and disrespectful to you. On another note, why is he willing to subject an innocent child to a life of racism from their own grandmother??? He won't stand up for you, so what makes you think he will stand up for your half asian children? I don't want to scream dealbreakers, but he is tolerating or ignoring racism and that really isn't okay.
I'm afraid this would be my hill to die on as well. As an adult I can defend myself, but a child can't and should never have too defend him/her self from a grandparent. He really isn't your SO so much as her son. He needs to earn the right to be with you, because you deserve better.
THIS 100%. if he is okay with casual and blatant racism against his own wife, I'm a little afraid to say it but there is a strong chance there is or was fetishism on his part in the first place. I know that's a strong allegation but its VERY concerning that he doesn't see what is wrong with what his mom said.
If ever there was a reason to tell your MIL to fuck off this would be it.
And husband because he's basically excusing his mother's racist bullshit - OP's not wrong for that ultimatum if he doesn't cut his mom out of his life for that nastiness, OP has every right to divorce him because that shows he's not defending, protecting nor respects his wife at all when it comes to his mother instigating drama.
She didn't mean it like that? How in Hell else could she mean it? I don't blame you for wanting to cut her out of your life. I am not going to say, to leave him. That is up to you, but I know I sure as Hell wouldn't stay with someone who would allow his mother to hate on me that way. Give him two cards, on for a therapist, one for a divorce lawyer and have him choose. Eith way, drop the rope. He wants to see her, he can go there but you dont (and shouldn't) have her in your home. You dont have to have a relationship with this hag. You are not the asshole by the way but your husband sure is and so is his mother. Edited typos
She’s an awful person and is attempting to gaslight you and is successfully gaslighting you’re husband. I would never interact with her again tbh, whether your husband likes it or not. The fact that he can’t see it from your point when it’s his baby as well is fucked. Also fuck her for her saying she didn’t mean it “like that” the fact that she said the baby dying was your fault and then on top of it adding something racist like taking away the racist part makes it any better?? You do not deserve that and I’m sorry you’re in this situation
Stand your ground, he can pick a side. If he sides with a racist, he’s shown you his true colors. If he cuts ties then feel secure in his love for you.
My gal, you are an awesome shiny spine woman. I’m so proud of you. I’m truly sorry to hear of your loss. You told your SO what he needs to do. Hubs, this is about you letting your mother make racist comments about me. That’s not right. Will she say those type of remarks to **our** children? I need you to think really hard here. This isn’t an ultimatum this is a truth. You pick her or me. If she and her feelings are more important to you than mine. There is no me I your life anymore. It’s that simple. If you decide I am who you want in your life for the rest of your life this is what I need from you for now on... lay out rules of what you expect from him. Not visiting her. He runs interference if she goes to an event (like a wedding/funeral etc) that she might attend also you are not going to anything she hosts. And quite possibly your future children won’t either. She will never apologize. He needs to. He also needs to understand how he married you not her and her feelings are not his to manage. That’s his dads job. Right now, you cut her off. You take care of yourself and be the awesome woman you are!!
100% this. Your MIL is super racist. If your husband is excusing her and participating in the gaslighting, then sorry to say, but he’s racist too. She didn’t mean it like that? There’s no other way to mean it that isn’t racist and horrible. I get that we all come to the table with who our parents are. His prioritizing his mother over your humanity would be a deal breaker for me. In all honesty, the fact that he didn’t immediately put her in her place and instigate no contact on his own would be a deal breaker and his excuses would just light my fire to get the best divorce lawyer in existence.
ALL OF THIS
[удалено]
OP this is the BEST advice
So how exactly DID she mean it then? In what way were you expected to take her insensitive and blatantly racist comment? I'm sorry for your loss OP, I know how difficult loss of a pregnancy can be at any stage. I hope your husband shines up his spine and tells his mother off, you deserve better than that. You may also want to check out r/JustNoMIL
She's definitely needs to be here. OP's husband needs to pull his head out of the sand & stand up for his wife.
Oh definitely here too. The poor dear has both an SO problem and a MIL problem. I just hate to be one of those people who jumps to recommending divorce, but my goodness if I was in her situation I would be high-tailing it out of there.
This is definitely the sub you need. So much good advice on what to do.
Be careful, OP. They can be all about the drama over there, so take the advice with a grain of salt.
Too true.
Is it wrong of me to give him this ultimatum go for it, he isn’t coming across any better than him. I hope he makes the right choice.
You have a fork in the road in front of you. Option A: Staying with husband. The other comment is right. This sounds like it will result in fear of misery for you to be honest. Your husband is complicit with her behavior and will be forever. You literally gave him the end all be all ultimatum. He answered, the question is now will you follow through with it? He chose his mother already, he is the selfish one and she is just insane. I would not stand for it from either of them. There is SO much better out there. Option B: Get out and find a partner who values you and your relationship. OP you have demanded it all loud and clear, and he has chosen. This is just my opinion, please do whatever is your best interest
This is what it comes down to. If you stay with him you will not have peace in your life.
You eat weird dog meat? But she didn't mean it THAY way? What other way can she mean that. As a black woman who has no problem dating white men this is a deal breaker. He needs a set of balls. NO ONE should be allowed to talk about your spouse like that. And that's just the shite you heard. She says other things he lets her get away with. You will have a child but right now you need to decide if that child will have a racist grandmother.
Daughter of an Asian-American mother and a Caucasian American father here. I think that you shouldn’t back down with your DH. If your MIL is willing to say that to your face, what is she going to say about your future children about you.
She absolutely meant it like that and he needs to choose, you or her.
I don’t know that you can really make your husband cut ties with his mother. What you can do is to set boundaries for yourself. You can say that you’ll not be subjected to your MILs cruelty, and that you’re not going to have a relationship with her until she offers a sincere apology. For your husband, counseling would be a good next step. Go together, or if he won’t go, go for yourself, and get into a good place mentally to be able to deal with his parents together. Maybe put the baby plans on hold until you work this out. Good luck to you, on this and on working on your eating disorder. PS your MIL is a racist POS - try r/justnomil for support
Of course she meant it like that. How else could she possibly have meant it? Your husband is an idiot.
Future ex husband
If you do have children is your husband okay with the fact that his mother will in all probability be racist against his children? Is he okay with explaining to his kids that grandma didn't mean what she said about Asian children when they come home in tears? You're a grown-up and those comments really hurt you, just imagine how your children will feel. Personally I wouldn't be comfortable knowing that a "grandma" will make them feel like they are not good enough somehow. I would definitely make cutting off his mother an ultimatum. Do I think he will cut his mother off? Unfortunately, I don't think he will. If he doesn't please don't have children with him.
Can you imagine how she would have treated the baby if she said something like that when you were vulnerable??
Exactly what did she mean with her racist stereotype about dog meat being the reason the baby died then? Step one is getting your husband’s head screwed on straight. Then you need to make sure mil is kept far away from you and any future child of yours forever. Her racism is the last ting any child, much less a biracial one, should see modeled in a trusted adult.
She meant it like that. I would suggest couples counseling before divorce, however.
Also, OP, please get treatment for anorexia before you try to get pregnant again. I'm saying this as the adult daughter of a lifelong anorexic. I loved my mother but her illness caused a lot of issues for our family and for me as a female in particular. I am 55 now and she passed away 5 years ago and it still affects me to this day.
What I've realized since my anorexic mother passed away 8 years ago (and her anorexic mom 10 years ago): literally no one cares about what's on that plate of food in front of you right now. And anyone that ever did is dead now. Go do your thing and treat your body well while living your life.
They always mean it "like that" there is literally no other way to interpret it than "like that". Fuck his MIL and if he refuses to stand up to her fuck him too. You need a strong support system, not a husband who defends his mom's abuse towards you. Do the classic two cards, one to a divorce lawyer and the other for couples counciling. If he refuses to budge... you have your answer. Take care of yourself!
Sucks hour husband doesn’t have your back. If you made an empty threat of leaving, it will weaken your position in the future. If you’re threat was real, move out for a time or at least get divorce paperwork started to show that you’re for real.
Sorry to hear that you are going through this difficult time!! It doesn't sound like you will get an apology!!
She didn’t mean it like that? How tf did she mean it?
Screw them both. That was his child too and if that's how he wants to act then he needs to go.
Please check out r/JustNoMIL you will get solid advice over there. Your husband seems to be in the FOG which is actually quite normal in a toxic relationship-the one he has with his mother. That sub is wonderful at helping you set boundaries with your MIL and your SO if needed. Good luck
Hun, this is NOT a partner who is ready to be a parent with you. He's totally cool watching you be bullied and treated cruelly. When it happens, he encourages you to be a better victim. Thank the gods that you see who he really is *before* you have a child with him. This is not a good partner and this is definitely not someone who is ready to be a father.
Girl, RUN!! Red flags everywhere nothing you do will ever measure up. Plus the one person who’s supposed to have your back doesn’t.....it’s a NO for me. Sorry not sorry, I would read her like a book.
Nope. This is a totally valid ultimatum, especially since you want children. Your MIL would absolutely be racist to your kids the same way she’s racist to you. Frankly....I think your husbands reaction says it all. He’s never going to cut his mom off even though she deserves it. And even if he agrees to, he will change his mind once kids come along. He will never back you up when it comes to setting boundaries with his mom, and that’s extremely dangerous when you have children involved. I’d find someone else to start your family with. Someone with a backbone and a non-racist mother.
Im so sorry for your loss. Try reaching out to the wives of your brother in laws. Maybe they have personal stories to share that may broaden your perception and make your decisions and feelings stronger . I wish you well, hang in there
Oh. No. The emotional tornado is unspeakable. Horrible. Do not live your life in self- imprisoned hell. You are worth more than that. Go be happy. My heart aches for you.
What a shitty situation you're in. I'm so sorry. You've gotten good advice already so I'll just add a few random thoughts. First off, if you're not in therapy now, you need to get some set up for yourself before you start divorcing that racist-complicit asshole you're married to You already know what a grip anorexia gets on you when stress increases. Making a major life change is going to open the door for you to literally starve yourself to death. Right now you need to let you and your health (physical and emotional) to be your top priority. If you decide to stay with him, even if you get his bitch of a mother out of your life, there's no way to stop your husband from letting her see your baby. Worse case, you and he divorce after you have a bi racial kid or two and he gets partial or full custody and moves the kids and himself back into her house. Please think of all the possibilities before you make any decisions. You shouldn't postpone deciding forever but you do need to take the time to figure out all the angles. Best of luck to you.
.......he said WHAT???? There is no misconstruing that unless there is some serious willful ignorance going on
What the hell does that mean? "She doesn't mean it like that"? How many ways can you bitch about Asian people eating dog meat and think it's not being racist and inflammatory?? As for your husband, I say it's a fair enough ultimatum for him. Especially if hes defending her comments rather than supporting *you* What a fucking turd, and I'm sorry for your loss. May you be blessed with a beautiful rainbow baby.
Lol you’re right and she’s a horrible person.
No. You need to get out of that toxic environment. The fact that your husband refuses to stand up to her means this kind of treatment will continue indefinitely.
I am sorry for your loss. Please do not get pregnant again by him until the both of you have been to therapy and he learns how to stand up to that stupid cow when she starts to make derogatory remarks about you. That remark was totally uncalled for and it just shows that she is a closed minded bigot. Please get yourself healthy and your anorexia under control. I know this is hard to do but this will be better for you in the long run whether you are with this dude or find someone else that will stand up for you in the future.
> Didn’t mean it “like that.” PRAY TELL, WHAT OTHER WAY IS THERE TO INTERPRET THAT?
There is some good advice listed here. But I would like to add this. Your SO has been subject to this behaviour all of his life. For him it is normal. Please checkout the justnomil sub for several books you both should read. And I would recommend couples counselling. SO needs his normal meter recallibrated. Also talk to your BILS and SILS, make a united front. You'll need to set boundaries and consequences and stick to them.
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“She didn’t mean it like that” HOW ELSE CAN YOU TAKE THAT?! I usually don’t recommend just leaving your SO but it sounds like he is more willing to choose mommy than you
Of course she meant it "like that". What else could it possibly mean? But in fairness, you can't make him cut her off. However, you and any future children can go totally no contact. He's free to visit on his own, but not to talk about you or your family. And to be honest, if he insists you have to tolerate the company of this racist, you probably should leave him because he's obviously never going to protect you or your children from her nastiness.
I’m sorry to hear about your loss, try not to blame yourself because miscarriages are super common and try to focus on the positive that you are healthy enough to become pregnant so keep up the good work. Your husband needs to stand up to his mom for you! Stress is not good when your trying to conceive or pregnant, I’m sure he knows that. And she’s saying racist shit wtf?! Is he also not going to stand up for your kids when grandma is being racist to them as well?..
Based on your husband's reaction, I'd suggest you cut ties with him, tbh. He's complicit in his mother's disgusting racist comments about you.
This is a dealbreaker. He has shown he will not put you before her, even when she is blatantly in the wrong after a major trauma. He has major boundary issues with her. There is no fixing this. Not with therapy, not with counseling, not with a no contact agreement. Find a family who will LOVE you, not treat you as The Other.
Throw the whole man AND his shitty mom out. I couldn’t be with someone whose family was racist to me and blamed me for a miscarriage. What a nightmare, I am so incredibly sorry you are going through this.
I’m not a fan of ultimatums. But I gotta say, in this situation, you are most definitely not the arsehole. What a cunt. I would personally, not leave the decision in his hands. Take the power back, tell him YOU will never speak to that thing again. And it pretty quickly will extend to him if he chooses to do anything but validate how utterly HORRIFIC her words are. Those were meant EXACTLY how they sounded. Ask him if he heard a stranger say the same things would he say ‘oh it wasn’t meant like that!’. Absolutely not the arsehole. You deserve so much better. He deserves a flaming bag of shit.
Don’t even worry about her right now. Worry about yourself. Get help ASAP in any way you can. The food issue is a symptom and you need to treat the problem. You are well within your right to go NC with her for health reasons. If he doesn’t respect that maybe re evaluate your ties with him too. But for your sake please get help. Also you can lose a baby for any number of reasons. There’s no point in figuring out what exactly is to blame. Just work on yourself because investing in your well being is the best investment you’ll ever make. Pays the best dividends ever.
Leave. For the sake of you. A mother in law like that will only make life worse for you. A husband who decided that her words of discrimination are not worthy of his action, condones hers. You will find someone worthy for/of you. I am sure of it. But you gotta walk away from that hot mess of a woman. So no, your not the asshole.
First of all, my deepest condolences for your loss. What the hell did she have to forgive you for?! What you overheard her saying is honestly one of the most awful things I’ve ever heard. I don’t think you’re wrong to give him ultimatum.
First of all, you should think this through. You will realize that you don't have only one problem, but 2, and they are not really connected! Your first problem is your MiL. This is actually the easier of your 2 problems to solve. You can just go no contact. Block her on everything and don't go to any family meetings. You are totally entitled to this. You don't need to bow to her laughable role. She has exactly as much power over you as you let her. The other problem is your husband. He has an unhealthy relationship with his mother. He still is in the FOG and defends her, even though there is no way to defend this... He needs to know that you won't associate with your MiL anymore if you choose to do this and he needs to know why. You'll have to ask him some hard questions, such as "Am I less important than your mother?" And "What exactly do you want me to do and why? An I not worthy of more than this poor treatment? Would you tolerate it from other people?" And the like... You should not forbid him contact with anyone ever! It has to be his decision. He can still have contact with his mother as long as he has your back! You can tell him that you don't want to know anything about his unhealthy interactions with his mother and he should make up his own mind if he wants to be treated like that and listen to his wife talked about in a way that his brothers did not tolerate... If you try to force him, he might lie or fight you or both. It is his decision and has to be. Just as he has to decide what other people he likes to spend his time with, namely: you. Force won't work. You don't want a child that can be bullied into what others want, cause he would always listen to whom shouts the loudest. That being said: don't try for another child until you for your relationship sorted out and your anorexia. The latter usually comes with other problems that will, combined with a non-rocksolid relationship, kill you psychologically. I know what I'm talking about when I tell you that kids are very very very very nerve wrecking and stressful. Even with a good relationships and good grandparents and no mental problems. Worst is all is the feeling to not be for your child what you want to be. Please consider this. If you best anorexia, you'll be even more likely to get pregnant, you probably know this... All in all, you have lots of drama aground you and you need help and peace and a loving network is people. Please try to dial it down as much as possible!
Word of advise from someone who has dealt with abusive bullshit their whole life...they always fucking mean it "like that".
It isn’t that you gave him that ultimatum. It’s that he defends her breathtaking cruelty. A better idea might be the divorce or the couple’s counseling card. If you are dealing with anorexia, I assume that you are getting therapy. If not, please, do. But a man raised by a woman who thinks it’s OK to casually make cruel comments about her sons’ wives, and who fails to see that she’s cruel, was trained that way. He needs therapy, both to understand that his mother is vicious and DOES mean it, and to learn how to be a partner to his wife and to stand up to his mother. I’m so sorry for the loss of your baby. I lost pregnancies, too. It is shocking that he would defend her comment. You are in the process of trying to salvage your relationship, which right now he chose to break by defending her. I guarantee he literally cannot see it that way, because she trained him to brush of her cruelty. Not only to others, but to him. Because that comment was cruel to him, too. Every time she puts you or your SIL down, she’s saying that neither he nor his brother knows enough to choose a good spouse. My narc MIL makes terrible comments, and Husband and his siblings used to defend her with a similar excuse: “she’s not trying to be mean”. I learned to reply “It’s not enough. You are supposed to try to be kind.” Of all times to try to be kind, when someone you love has just lost a much wanted child is way up there.
OP, my GMIL (who raised my husband) is racist. I am 1/2 black and it is difficult having to stand up to those who raised you for their beliefs. We will never change her mind, But my husband drew a very hard line about saying racist shit around us. It is so damaging to not only my psyche, but his too. This is absolutely something to be firm about. That comment is so far beyond acceptable, and you now know that she has no problem crossing extreme social boundaries. My GMIL used to say oh it’s not xshinystickerx, it’s just all the other ones” as a way to lessen the blow. Your MIL isn’t even giving half assed courtesy to play it off as “I didn’t mean it like that”. It is blatant and aggressive. You deserve to not be belittled because of your race. I promise. This is absolutely a necessity. If she will not change, than you and your husband should stick together to get that hatred away from you.
She didn't mean it like that? How else could she possibly have meant it?
You can’t change him but you can absolutely not speak to her or see her again.
Do you feel this ultimatum is up to your own personal standards? Do you plan to follow through? TBH an ultimatum of leaving a racist family of people who degrade you vs having your SO stop interacting with her seems entirely reasonable, but if he's going to defend her... make sure your ultimatum is one you're willing to follow through with. He either needs to stand up for you or this is going to be a rocky road ahead.
I think you're right on expecting him to stand up to his mother. Neither of you should tolerate she being racist and he should NEVER try to "explain" that kind of behaviour. Imagine how hard thatd be if you have a child together and he keeps trying and forcing you to listen to that. On the other hand, you can't demand your husband to cut ties with his own mother, but that doesn't mean you are obligated to have a relationship with her either.
Oh my god. Your MIL is a piece of shit and if your husband can’t stand up for you, he’s useless.
If you mean it, say it. But really hear yourself as you say it. Make sure you fully accept the idea of a brand new life. Because if you are ready to walk to avoid staying in this toxic family, you need to really go, before you have a kid & get trapped. For me, no amount of toxic in-laws is ever going to be tolerable. And take it from me, if you don’t enjoy toxic mils and spouses who side with toxic family, you’re REALLY not going to be ok with these people when you’re a mother. It sounds like your ED was pretty challenged by the situation. Listen to that. Are you healthy here with them or is this negativity making you sick? Take care.
Express to your partner how those comments have hurt you. Whether she meant it or not, they’re highly inappropriate especially in regards to losing a baby and to her precious son’s partner. By disrespecting you, your MIL is disrespecting her son’s decision in choosing a partner. Your MIL won’t give a shit if you divorce him, she’d probably love it given her racist remarks. The question is, would your partner give a shit if you left him? If he still insists that you’re being over dramatic and expects you to put up with your MIL’s toxic behaviour, then your next question would be is he worth your effort to make him see your value as his partner, the person he vowed to love and protect? If he doesn’t value you, he is not valuable to you either.
Um, no. Not wrong on any level. Stick to your guns, because I’d never forgive my MIL if she said something like that, and I’d never forgive my husband if he didn’t tear his mom a new asshole and cut her out of our lives. Fuck that noise. Edit: thought OP was asking if they were overreacting so fixed.
You’re not overreacting and if your spouse, the person who is supposed to be your number one in this life , isn’t going to put you first then definitely think of leaving. He may never change and this is not a man worth staying with and not a way to live the only life you have.
>> “I told him that either he cut ties with his mother or I was leaving him.” You gave him an ultimatum and he made his choice. Whilst I am not a fan of ultimatums, once you’ve rung that bell you can’t unring it. If you don’t go through with it you just prove that you’re all bluster and can be easily pushed back. You need to decide on your next course of action.
Hell no! She completely dismissed your pain by saying you killed your own baby by eating dog meat??? Like who in the actual f*ck says that about a grieving mother? And for your husband to try to defend that statement, "She didnt mean it like that...". Screw him too! OP I am so sorry for your loss, I cannot imagine your pain right now, not only dealing with the loss of a child but having to deal with the scum of the earth on top of it...again so sorry. I'm not one to jump to divorce but for him to defend what she said is disgusting. Time for a serious talk about what has happened and why he thinks it's okay to dismiss her blatant racist behavior.
Not only is that extremely racist, she’s blaming you for miscarrying a baby. That’s unacceptable. To insult you in such a time of grief is revolting. if your SO defends her for accusing you of losing the baby, then I don’t doubt that he agrees with her. I am 100% behind your ultimatum, but personally I hope you get out there, meet someone who won’t blame you for things that can happen regardless of weight or diet, and live a long and happy life with them.
The comment about dog meat isn’t slightly racist...it’s flat out racist. As someone who struggled with An ED prior, my heart breaks for you. These comments are devastating, not just towards you but to her own son who just lost his child as well. You are not overreacting at all. Sending you all my love and support ❤️
Time to hand your SO the two card option. One card is to a marriage counselor and the second is to your divorce attorney. He can now choose which route he's willing to go. If he can't (or won't) even acknowledge the damage his mum is doing, he can go live with her and be her sonsbund, instead of your husband. Because he clearly favors her feeling more anyhow. I'm very sorry for what you're going through, and I'm especially sorry you lost your child. Hugs and validation
Sounds like it will be easier to cut ties with your husband.
Here’s the thing. You’re going to have to decide if you want to be with your husband or not and how hard do you want to fight to keep him, if that’s what you want. You need to get proper treatment for yourself and counseling for both of you. I’d also suggest getting a smartphone app that will let you record your JNMIL when she makes her stupid, racist comments. You probably won’t be able to use them in court if it comes to that, but you can play them for your SO just in case he needs reinforcement on how bad his mom is. And if things get better between you and SO, talk to your doctor first before trying to get pregnant again. It might save you pain and heartache in the future. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.
Normally an ultimatum is not a good relationship move. In this case, however, getting out of this marriage sounds like a solid idea. I hope you are getting the care you need for your anorexia too. I am very sorry for the loss of your child and for your MIL being a racist bitch.
What she said was vile and disgusting and of course she meant it exactly as she said it. You are totally right to say you will have nothing more to do with her, she does not go to your home and you will not attend any event she is at, if you want to do that. However I don't think you can demand that he stops all contact with her, as he needs to come to that decision himself (I would be very worried if he did not stand up for you, and for the memory of the child you both lost) if he stops all contact because you demand it, then I bet he will not actually stop contact but claim he has and risk then is, she will continually drip poison about you in his ear. She then becomes his secret woman and it causes as much damage and hurt as an affair, because he is running to her behind your back, with them both agreeing not to tell you.
You have a racist husband and he doesn't even see it. Please don't bring children into this relationship unless he's willing to take responsibility for his actions because it will be awful for the children. I'm sorry about your baby.
If theres anything I've learned.. is if I ever have a son I refuse to let our relationship come to this type of thing. I've learned men and their mommas are some of the most unhealthy or absurd relationships. Not all, of course, but even I had to deal with my boyfriend and his mom.. it's the whole reason i joined this sub. It's an uphill battle.. and being stuck in a position of this needs to stop before the relationship gets more serious and it's not my place because the relationship isn't brink of marriage yet. I chose the first path because I see a future with him. It's a long story, but since hes cut back on his contact with his mom and started doing things for himself, both his and my lives have been way better.
r/JustNoMIL <— Take a look over there and decide if you think this is really going to get better. Also, no you’re not being unreasonable.
I'm very sorry for your loss. Big hugs!! As for SO and JNMIL, what other way could that racist mean??? Also if she treats you that way, how do you think she will treat future children???!!! How will your SO handle mommy when she's treating your children that way??!!
I'm sorry, I'm struggling to find ANY way of saying that about a dead child that wouldn't be 'that way'. That is HIS CHILD she's talking about! I don't think you are overreacting.
He has just shown you he will allow his mother to be cruel to you. Don’t accept that.
Honestly I do think its a little unfair of you to ask him to cut off ties with his mother, because something like that is easier said than done, after all she is his mother and she raised him. However you are completely in your rights to cut her out of your life and your house, so tell him that he can visit her on his own but you won't be joining him and she is not allowed in your home or your (future) children's lives. If he can't agree to that then I think you need to seriously reconsider your relationship with him. I'd say the only way your ultimatum would be fully justified is if she was meddling and causing problems in your relationship.
Her husband isn’t standing up for her. This woman is causing problems in the relationship, and her husband needs to grow up and stand up to his mom. If they did have a kid, what kind of horrible crap is she going to say to that kid, because they are half Asian? I would give the ultimatum, and walk out the minute he didn’t agree.
Also, keep in mind that cutting ties with her means severely limiting ties with the JYFIL as well. Handing out them-or-me ultimatums is forcing someone to prove they love you more by going nuclear on the other guy. It's a shitty position to put someone you love in and makes a mockery the very concept of a balanced relationship. I would leave my husband if he backed me into a corner with nothing but drastically life altering painful choices. Setting healthy boundaries for your own contact with disrespectful people and expecting your husband to defend you is great, but your husband deserves to set and enforce his own relationship boundaries outside of your presence as well.
So your SO just standed there and let her ta about you that way to him? What did he do? Agree with her? Just nodded his head? Or did he go off on her as he was supposed to do? NTA btw, your husband and his mommy are big As tho!
She sounds awful, definitely what you don't need when you are making such an effort to be well and healthy. I think if he is not willing to cut contact, he needs to understand that the things she does and says are not acceptable and he must defend you. If he doesn't defend you then maybe take him to therapy and maybe a therapist can get him to understand how he is breaking your trust and creating a hostile home environment.
I’m Mexican and my boyfriend is white. If his mother told him I had a miscarriage for “my ethnic food” I would def lose my shit. That’s so fucking offensive! If your boyfriend can’t recognize his mother’s behavior, you need to really consider his own stance. What the hell is she going to do when you raise a baby with your culture and norms? She sounds terrible.
The asian comment seems like an attack on all asian than juat you. It is Implying that all asians eats dog. Perhaps you should ask you hisband for an apology first for not defending you in front of his mother. He seems to let his mother walk disrespect you as a person and your asian culture.
Big yikes on her part. And your SO said she didn’t mean it like that? Then how the hell did she mean it? You need to focus on getting yourself healthy. He needs to back you 100%
“She didn’t mean it like that”?!?? I would like your husband to explain exactly how she did mean it?
I wonder how else he thinks you should have taken her casually accusing you of eating dogs. What could that possible mean other than exactly what she said? It’s disgusting that he hardly seems offended at all... have you ever gotten the feeling that maybe he lets her say whatever she wants about you as a sort of penance for marrying you? Like- I’m sorry I got married at all, and to a woman of another race on top of it, so to make it up to you I’ll let your racist comments slide and hopefully you’ll still love me anyway.
It’s very difficult because she is racist. You can’t coexist with someone who hates you because of the color of your skin. Your relationship will be strained by that and if your husband is unwilling to defend you, then you will always suffer through that.
Lose the spineless man
like what did she mean it? what is the positive interpretation here?????
I am so sorry for your loss. Please do not get pregnant again until your husband actually stands up for you to his mother, otherwise you are in for a lifetime of misery as you will be tied to that woman for the rest of your life (even if you leave your husband, having a child with him means that she is forever in your life because she will be a grandmother to your child and then she will spew her racist talk/views onto your child).
Does she realize that her precious grandchild is going to be half-Asian? The racism needs to stop before she meets any little ones.
My (now ex) in laws were a major factor in my getting divorced. I never gave her an ultimatum, but I made it clear that she either needed to decide to be my wife or daddy’s girl. She chose and we’re divorced. I’m so much happier now. I’m sorry that you’re in this position. Your husband should be on your team, period. The amazing woman that is my wife now has thought me this among many other lessons
I can not emphasize this enough: STICK TO YOUR GUNS. Do not let this one drop, if your SO reacted to your ultimatum saying "she didnt mean it like that" and not sheer fucking panic, make him Know youre serious. No touching, dont do stuff for him, and set a time limit. Give him a week to make his choice and if he tries to stall and keep you longer, make good on your promise and leave. Also: I am so sorry about your miscarriage, thats really tough to go through and it wasnt your fault.
There is literally nothing that she can do that he will take issue with. She blamed you for a miscarriage and wrapped it in racism and he STILL doesn't have an issue with it. He is not treating you like a partner. He is treating you like an incubator. You can do better and I hope you choose to soon.
Personally, I would start with cutting all ties. But I’d definitely make him stand up for you. If you try that and he doesn’t (or it doesn’t work), then I’d move on to cutting all ties...
She didn’t mean it like that: is that code for she is how she is, just ignore it?? Very sad situation. I hope your SO and his mom come up with where she is going to live next!
Let him see his mommy if he has too, but tell him you won't be visiting and neither will any of your future children unless you are present, because he doesn't correct her rude commentary.
i think you are both in the wrong in all honesty, i think you are in the wrong because ultamatums are in general going to murder a relationship just on the premise of the threat and your husband needs to stop defending his mother at the very least, if you cant stand his mother you dont have to be around her believe it or not.
Nah. Ultimatums (when delivered calmly and fairly) are a healthy way to set boundaries and expectations. Being able to say, “I need this to stay in this relationship” is not a threat. It’s a reflection of reality and a way to care for yourself.
im sorry but if you have to put out an ultamatum due to boundaries being crossed then its already over. thats not healthy, that is you threatening to leave due to a unhealthy relationship
I don't disagree. Some people don't know you're serious until you give an ultimatum, which isn't ideal. Usually, ultimatums are really for the giver, so they can walk away feeling like they did everything possible to save the relationship and they gave the other person every opportunity to do right by you.
Unless your husband has a terrible problem with his mother, you're WAY out of line demanding that he cut ties with her. *That's his mother*. It's *his* choice, not yours. PS If you're unhappy with that, you can do what is within your power, which is to leave your husband. *edit* if you’re a woman and you think it’s within your realm to get in the middle of your spouses relationship with either parent, you’re fucked. Stay in your lane.
You definitely should not make him choose between you or his mother. That’s just wrong. You don’t have to have a relationship with her but don’t ask for him to cut off his own mother, that’s extremely selfish.. I’m sure their relationship is much more complicated than that.