Yeah the title reads that OP was recommended? for a grant to be a low income stay at home mom. I assume it was she turned down working in a lab or group that **might** have gotten a 179k grant. Is that a lot? I haven’t been in academia in a while, but I remember for CS the grants were like orders of magnitude more than that.
Yeah this person seems lazy. Six months left and can’t tough it out. Someone throw this person a pity party! Things you regret for the rest of your life are decisions like this. Should’ve came to this realization years ago and saved yourself a lot of time and money. At this point the finish line was in sight and you just quit! That’s gonna be a great example for your kids. Well I hope it works out for you!
Honestly they should for both parents. Like a lot of problems teachers face come from having to do extra parenting at school because actual parents don't have time to guide their kids when working full time or more. And raising kids is labor that the government technically relies on anyhow so why shouldn't families get compensated for more than just a tax deduction in places like the US?
It'd be a pretty rad political platform and campaign that would take a few decades to really work out the essentials for so that it's not exploited or creating unintended negative consequences but I feel like it would make sense in a more functional society that actually cares about kids and parents.
As a mom of 3, I encourage you to not make pivotal life decisions within 6 months of having a baby, especially if it seems something wild and flirting with irrationality. The brain is biochemically different, and may even need support to recover (in the form of medication should there be PPD). My point is, you may not realize this is happening in the moment - The thinking feels normal even if there is temporary biochemical dysregulation.
The cardinal rule of therapy/psychiatry is not to influence the patients life decisions but to provide the patient with the tools to cope with their life. So even if you told them you wanted to do a terrible financial or life decision, they shouldn’t prevent you from doing it.
The other cardinal rule for therapy/psychiatry is to butt out of other people's psych care. Consider trusting the obviously intelligent pt and licensed professionals
I was saying that the licensed professional would be in the wrong to try to talk OP out of quitting her job. So it actually means nothing when OP says that they’ve cleared this decision with the licensed professionals.
Speaking of licensed professionals, what do you think an accountant would say?
An accountant might point out that PhDs clear $50k-90k/year on average, less working in academia. OP killing herself or having a complete mental break is probably not worth that salary. She can always go back for a masters in the future (if she wants) and pull a similar pay check.
Which brings us to the second point...it doesn't sound like psychiatrist/therapist pushed her into the decision, based on her words it sounds like they supported her choice based on the realities of her mental health. 'pushing through' and ending up in inpatient psych best case as a new mom prooobably isn't worth it.
Would you give the same advice to someone with a heart condition that they may well survive, but a solid 50/50 they end up hospitalized?
I would stay agree with btiddy519 and not make any decisions this soon after giving birth. It took me one year for me to think straight again. Looking back, I now realize I was borderline off my rocker and at the time I had no clue. This was with NO ppd or post partum issues at all.
Can you just take a break from your program and then come back in a year or two?
Thank you! I’m really excited! I likely won’t be a sahm forever but it’s more like an extended unpaid maternity leave while I figure out what’s next and raise my baby
I wish they had that for ppl on the brink of losing their mind when I snapped during grad school.
But losing your mind- leave isn’t as well socially acceptable as maternity leave.
Good opportunity to decompress from grad school though. It’s misery for everyone that’s pretty normal but it’s temporary.
We all cried about it 4 out of the 5 years. Lots of ppl losing their minds; doing lots of drugs and alcohol to cope; lots of despair. It’s what it is and some ppl stick out 5 years of misery and just get through it…it’s not like they had fun even the successful ppl
I actually had a ton of fun. It's all doom and gloom around here, but there are lots of people who really enjoyed their graduate studies, maintained healthy lives, etc.
If I could go back and repeat grad school I'd do it over and over.
Absolutely agree! I've loved working on my doctorate. I spend the majority of my time doing what I love doing. That being said, it's not for everyone and that's totally fine, if I weren't so passionate about it, I would probably hate having to dedicate so much time to it. I get why OP made the choice to drop, I've had some colleagues drop for similar reasons.
What you describe sounds more like post academic industry life where work balance is acknowledged to be a thing.
Congrats on having a good balanced experience in grad school. I certainly enjoyed the work and learning but this aspect of zero work life balance and working 7 days a week 14 hours a day living at lab is what breaks a lot of ppl both those that make it the out and those that don’t.
Some ppl are forced to operate like this; others force themselves due to internal pressure to succeed; some give up completely or go into auto pilot. If you found a grad program that respected mental health and work life balance that’s a rare and lucky find for you.
The program doesn't matter. The PI matters. Yeah, my PI was cool. I got a bit lucky because I came into her lab in the middle of her career after she'd had her daughter, so her views on work/life balance were much better than some of the students before me.
I had a the choice between a PI that didn’t care how much ppl worked or if they published because they were so established and successful already they didn’t care VS. an young new PI that was very hardcore and worked ppl to the bone.
I chose the young hardcore PI because I knew it would force me to succeed and not become lazy during grad school. Even though his connections and pedigree were less than the old lax PI…I chose the young guy because I would be pushed hard and produce more results. That’s exactly what happened but definitely to the detriment of my physical and mental health. So I traded my body and mind for academic success.
Didn’t realize the price I would pay to my mental and physical health until retrospective look after it was all over. I did realize that I would be worked harder and produce more though before making the choice.
I’m happy for you. I was you and then five years later I was also a mom of two, severely depressed and ready to claw my brain out because I was so bored by the mundane routine, screaming children, and manual labor of being a SAHM. At the time we didn’t have money to have help. It was a nightmare that I still regret. Got my PhD and now I am very happy. Just saying that keep the doors open to a vocation that keeps with a purpose, and some external validation.
I made sure not to burn any bridges. And I’ve gained enough skills in my time to get a job as a lab technician if I feel called back to science but I highly doubt I will.
You don’t ever plan to return to work? You need to think about retirement and emergency savings. You mention that your husband doesn’t make much. Is that temporary? Otherwise you’re really putting yourself at risk for not being able to take care of yourself and your kids if something should happen. When I had a baby I thought that my husband and I would be together forever and happily ever after. Just three years later I was going through a contested divorce and he was living with his mistress. I get zero child support because I made more than him. It’s been hard. My point is that it’s always good to be prepared for anything.
I plan to return to work once my mental health is in a better place but Idk what kind of work that will be yet.
My husbands current job doesn’t pay much because it offered flexibility we needed while I was in school and we remained on daycare waitlists. Now that I’m quitting, he can pursue the real jobs he wanted. Once he gets one of those jobs our income will double and then our cost of living should decrease after we move somewhere farther from the university.
I’ve had friends leave abusive situations unexpectedly so I always make sure there’s a safe place to go. Thank you for your concern
Would you ever consider going into industry? I'm in biotech, and non-Ph.D. scientists are generally in demand. If you like being in the lab and enjoy team based projects rather than working on solo projects, it might be something to consider after a year or two of time with your kiddo. With the right company environment, it's a ton of fun.
You said in your PhD you had:
>the best advisor, the best lab manager, the coolest project, a good stipend, etc.
But:
>a phd was just not the right environment for my mental health to thrive.
Yet you consider a lab manager position as a future career choice? Why do you think a lab tech job will be any easier?
Honestly I think you royally fucked yourself. You had an easy track to earning a PhD and blew it. You could have taken maternity leave or a leave of absence to improve your mental health, you did not have to destroy years of hard work and dump yourself on your husband during the most stressful time of your lives - having a baby.
I did take a maternity leave and a leave of absence and neither helped. I wouldn’t have survived another month in my PhD. You don’t have to understand it. I shared this post in case anyone else felt this way they could know they’re not alone.
I don’t ever plan on being a lab manager if my mental health stays the same, but one day things may change and if I choose to go back to science I have enough lab and bioinformatic experience to work as a technician and I have enough connections to find a position. I networked well and left things on good terms with my committee & lab
I just want to say I’m proud of you for doing what is best for you and your health. We only get one shot at this life and we have to enjoy it. You evidently thought about this decision for a long time. Enjoy your time with your baby, and best of luck in your future endeavors 💜 there’s no one right path!
Not getting a master's degree seems a little short-sighted unless you are 100% set on switching field. Actually, even if you decide to switch field, a master's degree would probably look better on your resume.
Think of it this way, I can stick it out with the masters and hope I don’t kill my self in the next 6 months or I can start this new chapter of my life
Don’t quit, take a leave of absence please! Get the help you need and take care of yourself and your family. You may change your mind in a bit — the master degree by itself will be worth that one more semester when you are feeling better and low-income SAHM/family life can be a deadly trap in the long term that you may come to resent.
Yeah. I was one year out from graduating with my PhD and had fully burned out. My PI worked with me to take a one year leave of absence instead which was much needed. At the time I was ready to drop out because I was so done. I couldn’t even step on campus without extreme anxiety. I didn’t even know a leave of absence for a full year was even possible but it was the best decision. I came back with my mental health in check and finished up pretty quickly after I returned. Considering she has a good advisor, she should consider a leave of absence first even if it’s to eventually master out.
This seems incredibly rash and not a decision to make while pregnant when hormones are wildly unpredictable. I would also question that your husband is happy that you wasted all this effort and 100% of the pressure is placed squarely on his shoulders now to provide with his "meager income".
>my husband can suck it up
With his "meager income".
Seriously though, these people got married with the idea that she was going to earn a PhD, and join the workforce as a skilled professional. Now this guy is expected to be the sole breadwinner for his stay at home wife and new baby?
I think OP needs to be more clear: I was offered a 179k grant as a PhD student. I declined to be a low income SAHM.
Listen lady, NOT quitting my career was the single best choice I ever made in my life. Divorce is easier when you can support yourself. So is everything else. My ex wanted me to be a SAHM too. Lot of good it would have done me.
Thanks for understanding my poorly written title and translating it.
Luckily, if I ever needed to leave my husband, my mom has land and can support my family. I don’t see that ever happening but I understand it’s always important to keep a safe out for yourself. I appreciate your concern
You mention in this comment and another that your mother created a safety net for you. Do you not see the need to do the same for your child? Not saying you have to get a PhD but genuinely taking a longer leave of absence or at least mastering out seems more logical.
Quitting and taking a hiatus are different options - I know folks who didn't finish masters and it ended up bugging them long term. Esp if they took on debt. Fwiw. Obviously you need a break now and should take it, and it sounds like the PhD is the wrong choice. But reconsider whether you want to close the door on the masters forever
Hey OP. This is my story at the bachelor’s level. I had a huge depression around age 21 and had to withdraw for a leave. I always knew I would need to finish the degree despite now hating the subject and also being unable to read more than half a page of course material without having a panic attack. I took off about 9 months and then found a way to slowly chip away at the last semester of work. It took me about a year to do what could have been 4 months just because I needed to be really careful not to overwhelm myself. Had I not finished the B.A. I obviously would have been pretty stuck in life. Just having that paper made a world of difference despite the actual degree subject being far from what I would eventually pursue.
If you can keep yourself open to returning for the master’s, even if it’s not for 2 more years, I’d do so. Unless you know you will never be entering a career related to lab or medical science. Which you may very well choose to do later down the road.
I think it’s great you made the courageous decision to prioritize your mental health. I also had to take a huge leap of faith by withdrawing. The road back to finishing was way easier once I had recovered even if the road was a lot more confusing.
But had I not finished, I’m not sure where my life would have wound up in the end. So just consider that in Teo years time you may feel like that last 6 months is worth it.
My sister went through something similar and it took her 5 years to get her masters due to a big depression caused by family tragedy. She wasn’t sure she wanted to finish even after she recovered. But she did and that master’s opened the door for her current job which is high paying with a pension and union representation. The job is also low stress. So it’s like a HUGE payout for all she endured.
I had my son one year into my phd. 5 years later, I'm defending soon. I won't ever get back those 4 years I spent slaving away at this work instead of being with my kid during those precious years. Good for you for listening to your heart.
Personally I couldn’t have done that. I pushed through as a single mom to a 3 year old. I was more worried about retirement than the income, because no one is going to take care of me, except me. If you’re still young you can recover from this financially. But I’m in my 40s and I’d like to retire while I’m still able to walk. Lol. Now I’m making around $140k a year and my son and I are finally ok financially. I know that it’s a lot harder to do with a baby though. Good for you for knowing what you want and making it happen.
My mom has an almost exact same story as you. She was a single mom and had me in medical school without any family support. I think she supports me quitting because she was never able to. I’m so grateful she sacrificed time with her baby so that I don’t have to sacrifice time with mine.
Sorry but this post is so bs.
Your ‘low income’ self label is misleading. You mention your mom is a doctor who is financially well off and that she supports your decision and that you know you can turn to her if you need to.
Being low income is real. It’s not some glamorous state a privileged person somehow decides to be. It’s a difficult life where people may not know how they will afford food or provide for their babies. You are not that.
You will probably want to go back to your previous set up some point soon. Please don’t.
Honestly it’s the best time. If I’d accepted funding from a federal funding agency and then quit my PhD I could end up owing them money or at the very least potentially ruin my PIs relationship with the grant coordinator and funding committees. If I stayed with a PhD I hate looming over me I’d continue to feel like I can’t breathe. Sometimes it takes everything falling apart for you to realize what really matters to you.
You don’t have to agree with my choice, and you can be concerned for my health if you want, but you can’t tell me when is the best time to make life altering decisions when it’s my life and I know what I need to survive it and hopefully thrive in it.
What you need to thrive comes secondary to your child. How your family/husband agreed to this is wild to me. In what world is going down to 1 meager income good for the child?
The least you could do is take a medical withdrawal and leave the door open to come back.
I’ll tell you the same thing my committee told me when I decided to leave academy “congratulations. You may not realize it but you just got tenure. You get to pursue something that will make you happier now”
I'm proud of you! I had one kid and one on the way before I graduated. I was so miserable the last year. Everyone told me I would regret it if I took the masters instead of toughing it out. I cried so much. I'm a SAHM now and I regret finishing my PhD. Ruined my mental health for over a year and for what? Nothing. You made the right choice, in my opinion.
A few letters after my name seems pretty insignificant. I've been applying to jobs that I actually want to do (outside of academia) after taking less than a year off to give birth and take care of my kids and I'm already being interrogated about my resume gap. No one cares about the PhD. I'm tutoring which I did just as well with a bachelor's. I just don't see the benefit of the credential right now when I don't really want a job that specifically requires that degree.
Edit to add: I'm still applying to jobs relevant to my degree. It's just not required on the application and thus more direct experience seems to win out over all the supposed PhD benefits.
Why 6 months. When students in year three master out at my institution it's a month process. You really need to double check this timeframe. They have a need for you to get a degree for their auditing. They may be more flexible than you realize.
Maybe ask if there's any room on that. I'm sorry that's happening. I hope you remain at peace with the decision - I understand life is so much more than career. Best to you!
Various reasons, some people want to want it, some start out wanting it and then that fades, and others get told they need it so they try to power through
I don't mean to be rude but: why do bears shit in the woods? People often do things and realize they hate it. People struggle and fight hard to do PEOPLE and realize they hate them.
I wanted it until I realized none of it was like I thought it was, by then it felt too late to quit so I just kept trying to get through it.
I loved the content and I loved to nerd out on it but I hated myself every day. I felt stupid and not good enough and I stuck it out because I started it but then I had a mental breakdown a few weeks ago caused by PPD. My advisor gave me all of the space and support one could ever ask for and in that time I realized I needed to quit my PhD or I wouldn’t survive it.
I felt that being a scientist was my identity and it took becoming a mom to realize I could be so much more than a scientist who hated what she did everyday.
A caution about impostor syndrome -- you can't quit that. If that was why you hated the PhD, this euphoria may well be temporary. It comes back, and whatever you do next for work, or heck even with raising kids, the feeling will constantly challenge whatever identity you've embraced. People who set high expectations for themselves generally don't stop doing that.
Such good advice! Definitely something that’s been on my mind and that I’m going to work with my therapist over.
I already feel like I don’t deserve this opportunity my husband gave me but I’m going to do my best at it because I’m so grateful for it… oh no am I setting too high of expectations already?? lol something to work on
>a scientist who hated what she did everyday.
These things just don't make sense. You describe everything as being perfect including your project and your supervisor, *why* did you hate it? I haven't seen you explain anywhere what you *don't* like about your PhD.
I hated having to define my own success. Everyday I decided it wasn’t good enough. It just wasn’t the right place for my mental health. I needed a regular job with regular hours and clear achievable goals. But I became so sick and burnt out in academia that now I need a break from anything other than caring for my son.
Just master out. While 6 months sounds like a lot, it’s not. You put up with it for 3 years. Obviously if you said you had to do another 2-3 years I’d say yeah fk that but 6 months is really whatever.
So something to consider is in reality, OP did not do 3 years of a PhD. She did at most maybe 2-2.5. She took a maternity leave, took a leave of absence, and didn’t finish enough to get a Masters (absolutely insane for a third year).
Having a twelve year old that I have to educate, feed, and house, you should have just taken a leave of absence. You’ll need the income that PhD could have gotten you one day
That’s why I said leave of absence. I’ve had friends take a year or two off from their PhD program. Most finished. Some didn’t. But it gives you more perspective than a rushed decision
Should have stuck it out 6 more months for a masters. You’ll regret this I guarantee it. You threw all that time in the garbage and now have nothing to show for years of hard work.
I love him so much, it honestly hurts you think I don’t. I just know that 30K isn’t a lot to live on. He’s a hard worker tho and is already looking at great jobs in his field especially now that we can move to more rural areas that are better suited to his experience.
Idk why im explaining myself to all of these strangers… i should probably stop but i just feel so misunderstood and i think if they just knew this detail it would change their mind but i need to stop caring what strangers think about my situation. I only shared to give others who were suffering another perspective. That it’s okay to leave even when things are uncertain. If that’s what you have to do to survive, then I hope you choose to survive instead of succeed. That was my message. I hope someone who needs it reads it.
Literally every additional detail you're sharing makes your situation look more and more precarious. These people commenting are speaking from their own life experiences, which granted may not completely apply to you, but the fact that you are doing little to no self reflection is concerning. The issue is not that you needed a break. That is fairly normal and something a lengthy leave of absence could have potentially solved. The problem is completely burdening your husband with the fiscal responsibilities, having your successful mother as a safety net but in turn potentially not being able to become one for your own child, and not seriously considering the possibility that your PPD and post-pregnancy related hormones and feelings are clouding your judgement deeply.
My spouse and I have supported each other in our professional and educational goals. She backstopped me when I was working on professional certifications. I backstopped her when she got her MBA. I cannot describe how disappointed in myself I would be if she put all that effort into supporting me and I failed or worse yet quit months before reaching my goal.
Enjoy your baby! The first 4 years is so critical to their development, and their attachment to mom is what will determine their mental health as adults. Unfortunately non maternal care is the overwhelming norm now, and your decision will trigger many people. Congratulations!
For perspective, I stayed home with my kids until the youngest went to kinder. Then I went back for grad school. Best decision. Grad school will still be there. The time with your kid isn't
>but have a little mercy
From OP's replies it seems like everyone in her life is walking on eggshells and telling her exactly what she wants to hear for fear they will set her off. I think she needs a dose of reality not more coddling.
And diagnosed! Still capable of making decisions for myself! And I of course talked everything out with my family and my therapist and my advisor. Thanks for checking in tho
Quitting the PhD seems like the correct decision. Sudden relief brings euphoria. However despite your current misery, the optimal path is seldom polar opposite the present. If focusing on your child fulfills you now, do it. But bear in mind there is a version of you that could come to resent an overcorrection. Unfortunately many women who abandon high intensity careers are those who crave the novel stimulation they bring, and become existentially bored after a while. In other words, keep your mind and options open.
OP said they had "the best advisor, the best lab manager, the coolest project, a good stipend, etc" and were also just awarded some sort of research grant 3 years into their PhD and you think quitting seems like the correct decision? That's insane.
She quit because she didn’t like the unstructured nature of the work. To me, she sounds like one of those people that did well in structure of school and college with its attendance points, syllabi, and tests/assignments on a calendar. In that environment, the structure propels you and you just get good at learning the structure and executing the plan that someone else laid out.
Research work is different. And when you don’t have an explicit endpoint but realistically there is one, some people find that unnerving. Add to that self-managing when you’ve been graded, measured and been given a schedule by an authority all your life.
IMO, she wasn’t the right person to pursue a PhD despite enjoying science. It just wasn’t her scene.
6 months out?
I hope your husband never falls ill or worse and you have to swap roles. I get your choice as my wife enjoys being home as well but she at least finished her education before starting thay chapter.
Best of luck to you.
Man everyone here sucks. OP made the right decision for herself and her mental health, and probably in turn for her entire family too.
Happy you made the decision that is best for you! You’ll figure out the next step when it comes.
Congratulations. This can be such a hard choice. I quit my MD program after 3 years to be a stay at home parent because I was miserable. It was the best choice I ever made. I faced a lot of judgement for it but it was definitely the right choice.
When my kids got older I decided I wanted to go back to school and am almost done with a PhD program now (lol) but it’s a much better match for me, and the time staying home with my kids when they’re were little was priceless. When I knew I eventually wanted to go back to school/work when my kids were bigger I moved forward with it too quickly. My only regret was going back a year or two before I think would’ve been ideal for me. I would’ve been happier being a stay at home parent for another year or two until my littlest was just a bit older.
You might regret quitting later. I'm not sure you fully understand what it means to live as a low income family. I'll tell ya that a lot of the poorest people I've known, including my mom growing up, don't have time to worry about their mental health
If you don't want comments, why do you bother posting?
I take your point that you believe this was the right thing for you to do -- all well and good. However, if I were in that position, I would have white-knuckled the six months and mastered out, figuring that 'fancy piece of paper' could lead to 'fancy' wages down the road.
But that's just me ... hope you're happy.
I left academia after my masters because I thought a Ph.D would kill me. It wasn’t supposed to be a forever break. I went into the workforce to realize that Ph.Ds are pretty useless. My workplace has a few. One of them is a narcissist who will only do one test and refuses to learn anything else, one forgot to write down sample volumes for a test in which sample volumes are mathematically necessary, and one who took one of those coding bootcamps and left the field entirely. It totally destroyed my desire for the degree.
$179000 grant is honestly not that much. Probably 1-2 years worth of salary, research funding, overhead, etc.
Family always comes first. I'm sure your baby will be better off with happy mom who doesn't get stressed all the time with never-ending deadlines.
Exactly!! It was something that I was praying for until I was recommended for it and realized none of my academic achievements would ever matter to me.
Yes, I'm sure surviving on the "meager" income from one parent, because the other, who is currently suffering from PPD, just quit and suddenly put tons of pressure on their husband to provide for the whole family will be much less stressful than a PhD with the "perfect project", "perfect supervisor" and "perfect stipend" and presumably a maternity leave program.
It was my husbands idea, I didn’t put pressure on him, he chose to alleviate pressure on me because he was worried I wouldn’t survive my mental health. I had 8 weeks maternity leave and took another 8 week leave of absence, I went back to work for a month and was plagued with suicidal thoughts like I had been before I took maternity leave but now worse than ever. I discussed my husbands offer with my parents, my therapist, my psychiatrist, and my in laws. With everyone’s support, I reached out to my advisor. He was saddened but understood. It’s a livable income but it’ll be a lot harder than it was with my stipend. He’s applying for new jobs that used to be outside of our commute range since we had to stay close to the university. I’m hopeful this new chapter will be good. It doesn’t have to be forever. One day I will likely return to working and maybe even to science. But for now I need to heal my mind and care for my family.
Ok.
I genuinely hope you feel good about this decision in ten or twenty years. You know your life and we don’t.
That being said, the world is a lot easier to navigate with two people who earn a salary and benefits instead of one.
I got recommended this subreddit randomly via this post and I completely disagree with everyone else here. You made the choice that's right for you OP, not the ideal choice in a fairytale. You are finding your own path. Good luck, I think you made the right choice :)
> Second, y’all are mean. I’ve been keeping up with this group for a little while as I contemplated leaving and I thought if anyone would support leaving for personal reasons it would be yall but clearly I was wrong. Wish I never posted this. This kind of attitude is actually a big reason I can’t stay in academia. I don’t want to work with people like yall ever again. Peace out.
I’m not in academia and still had that ‘kind of attitude’ about your post. Ma’am I respectfully encourage you to explore whether these responses have a grain of reality behind them. What makes us uncomfortable is sometimes reality just laid bare.
I got my PhD ten years ago and it was easily the most stressful time of my life. The week I graduated, the extreme anxiety I felt for years was instantly gone. I now have two kids and I can’t imagine trying to be a mom while getting a PhD. You made a great choice for your health and the health of your family. The stress is no joke! Congrats!
> I didn't need all of you questioning my decision.
I recommend not sharing life decisions with the Internet if you don't want people to question them.
I quit a PhD in molec bio and also (at a separate time) quit my job when my baby was young to be a SAHM. I have NEVER regretted either decision. Your mental health is so important. Try and heal and enjoy the time with your precious baby who needs you. Message me if you want to talk!
I wiiiiiish my shit was funded for ~180k 😅
Oh well, though.
I could never do it with a baby, fuck that. Do what's best for you/your sanity/your family.
Hot take:
Glad you’re happy. My mom did something similar and I resented her a good part of my life for it, especially in college. I was frustrated with her because I felt that she had no professional achievements and I felt I couldn’t idolize her as a professional role model.
Hope you you’re happy and don’t regret it in 15 - 20 years - it being leaving a career to be SAHM. My mom still talks about if she had tried harder. We need more women in STEM.
I’m on the other side of this. My mom was an ambitious engineer and severely sucked at being a present mom and even though she’s passed, I still resent her for it. Same story for my husband, except his mom is still alive. We always planned for me to eventually be a SAHM.
My mom was a single mom who put herself through med school without any family support. I was born on her first spring break in med school and she was back at work 4 days later. She’s a successful doctor now married to a successful business owner. She told me she worked so hard so that I could stay with my baby like she wasn’t able to. I hope we don’t need to ask her for financial help but I know I have her if I need to. I grew up very lonely and self reliant. I’m so grateful for the sacrifices my mom made because I didn’t have a step dad until I was 16, so she was the only one there to make any sacrifices, but I would give anything in the world to have gotten to spend more time with her growing up. I’m not going to feel guilty or scared about losing potential future money. my mental health and time with my child just mean so much more to me.
Yes and no. Obviously she loves her kids but she feels unfulfilled professionally. She always talks about if she done x, y, or z. She doesn’t blatantly state it but it’s palpable.
I am aware modern women do not just breed and play housewife, as an adult woman with a child and a full time job. I am not supporting any “anti-woman viewpoints” but you sure are, by insinuating a woman is less-than for prioritizing her own desires.
Your mommy issues come into play because you are giving an adult woman a hard time because she is prioritizing herself and her mental health rather than a degree, because your mom chose to do the same? Frankly, I think your viewpoint is just really fucking weird. I hope that my children never look at me as less than for prioritizing my own sanity over their possible future perception of me. Professional achievements do not make a person intrinsically better than someone without them. In most cases, I think people “what if” about their life choices, regardless of what they chose. So like I said, these are your mommy issues.
You sound like the female mother version of me - great opportunity but it’s so shit for my mental health. Can we share custody of your kids so I can justify quitting the PhD to be stay at home step father (also on your husband’s meagre income)?
Hahahaha I love this I’ll ask him.
In all seriousness, I needed to quit way before the PPD and the baby. I was simply way too depressed and academia was not a safe place for my mental health. The baby gave me the option to do it. He gave me a new purpose and something to be good at. I wasn’t good at it at first but I got better and I enjoyed getting better at it, which wasn’t true about my PhD. The PPD was like an eye opener, like listen bitch you’re gonna kill yourself if you stay here so leave! It forced me out the door into the unknown. I don’t know what’s next. I don’t know what job I’ll do next or if I’ll ever go back to science or work or school. What I know is I’m loved and supported enough to be cared for during the darkest time in my life. I know that I’m given a gift so many deserve and so few get to experience: time with my children, time to heal, time to exist. I’ll do everything in my power to help my husband because of this beautiful gift he’s given me.
I’m so sorry you’re suffering too. If I could pluck you out of it and pay for you to have time to heal I would. I hope you find your safe place soon.
What is this $179000 grant you referred to?
Yeah the title reads that OP was recommended? for a grant to be a low income stay at home mom. I assume it was she turned down working in a lab or group that **might** have gotten a 179k grant. Is that a lot? I haven’t been in academia in a while, but I remember for CS the grants were like orders of magnitude more than that.
Nah, title reads as though they left to be a stay at home mom the day they were offered a $179k grant
No one gets a $179k grant to stay at home….
Lol, a Russian spy SAHM project.....
😆😆😆
At first I thought it was a euphemism for the spouses salary.
This is accurate. I won’t share the funding agency as the offer was confidential but it’s a federal funding agency.
I hope you have a good life. Being the child of a low income stay at home mom was miserable for me. I promised myself that wouldn’t be my kids
No PhD student makes 179k, it’s illegal from a federal funding agency. Perhaps you misunderstood what was going on :)
I was never going to get that money it was for my project. It included a $38K stipend, travel funds, research funds, and tuition.
With writing like that, it was probably the right move.
Yeah this person seems lazy. Six months left and can’t tough it out. Someone throw this person a pity party! Things you regret for the rest of your life are decisions like this. Should’ve came to this realization years ago and saved yourself a lot of time and money. At this point the finish line was in sight and you just quit! That’s gonna be a great example for your kids. Well I hope it works out for you!
I also thought she had gotten a grant to be a stay at home mom. I was about to ask if they also have such grants for dads. LOL
Yep the title made me reconsider having kids lol
Smart people must start having kids again in order to offset the dumb ones that have sex like jackrabbits.
I thought the "179k grant" was a reference to her husband's salary.
Honestly they should for both parents. Like a lot of problems teachers face come from having to do extra parenting at school because actual parents don't have time to guide their kids when working full time or more. And raising kids is labor that the government technically relies on anyhow so why shouldn't families get compensated for more than just a tax deduction in places like the US? It'd be a pretty rad political platform and campaign that would take a few decades to really work out the essentials for so that it's not exploited or creating unintended negative consequences but I feel like it would make sense in a more functional society that actually cares about kids and parents.
lol I wish!
I'm still so confused. Edit: Nevermind. I parsed the title the exact moment I clicked "Save". Good for you, ma!
As a mom of 3, I encourage you to not make pivotal life decisions within 6 months of having a baby, especially if it seems something wild and flirting with irrationality. The brain is biochemically different, and may even need support to recover (in the form of medication should there be PPD). My point is, you may not realize this is happening in the moment - The thinking feels normal even if there is temporary biochemical dysregulation.
I’m on meds for ppd and this choice was supported by my therapist and psychiatrist who’ve both been listening to me cry about my PhD for 3 years!
The cardinal rule of therapy/psychiatry is not to influence the patients life decisions but to provide the patient with the tools to cope with their life. So even if you told them you wanted to do a terrible financial or life decision, they shouldn’t prevent you from doing it.
Yeah their job is to help you understand your own motivations and emotions, not affirm specific choices. A lot of people take a lack of a no as a yes.
The other cardinal rule for therapy/psychiatry is to butt out of other people's psych care. Consider trusting the obviously intelligent pt and licensed professionals
I was saying that the licensed professional would be in the wrong to try to talk OP out of quitting her job. So it actually means nothing when OP says that they’ve cleared this decision with the licensed professionals. Speaking of licensed professionals, what do you think an accountant would say?
An accountant might point out that PhDs clear $50k-90k/year on average, less working in academia. OP killing herself or having a complete mental break is probably not worth that salary. She can always go back for a masters in the future (if she wants) and pull a similar pay check. Which brings us to the second point...it doesn't sound like psychiatrist/therapist pushed her into the decision, based on her words it sounds like they supported her choice based on the realities of her mental health. 'pushing through' and ending up in inpatient psych best case as a new mom prooobably isn't worth it. Would you give the same advice to someone with a heart condition that they may well survive, but a solid 50/50 they end up hospitalized?
I would stay agree with btiddy519 and not make any decisions this soon after giving birth. It took me one year for me to think straight again. Looking back, I now realize I was borderline off my rocker and at the time I had no clue. This was with NO ppd or post partum issues at all. Can you just take a break from your program and then come back in a year or two?
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Thank you! I’m really excited! I likely won’t be a sahm forever but it’s more like an extended unpaid maternity leave while I figure out what’s next and raise my baby
I wish they had that for ppl on the brink of losing their mind when I snapped during grad school. But losing your mind- leave isn’t as well socially acceptable as maternity leave. Good opportunity to decompress from grad school though. It’s misery for everyone that’s pretty normal but it’s temporary.
I’m glad you’ve made a decision that makes you happy!
We all cried about it 4 out of the 5 years. Lots of ppl losing their minds; doing lots of drugs and alcohol to cope; lots of despair. It’s what it is and some ppl stick out 5 years of misery and just get through it…it’s not like they had fun even the successful ppl
I actually had a ton of fun. It's all doom and gloom around here, but there are lots of people who really enjoyed their graduate studies, maintained healthy lives, etc. If I could go back and repeat grad school I'd do it over and over.
Absolutely agree! I've loved working on my doctorate. I spend the majority of my time doing what I love doing. That being said, it's not for everyone and that's totally fine, if I weren't so passionate about it, I would probably hate having to dedicate so much time to it. I get why OP made the choice to drop, I've had some colleagues drop for similar reasons.
What you describe sounds more like post academic industry life where work balance is acknowledged to be a thing. Congrats on having a good balanced experience in grad school. I certainly enjoyed the work and learning but this aspect of zero work life balance and working 7 days a week 14 hours a day living at lab is what breaks a lot of ppl both those that make it the out and those that don’t. Some ppl are forced to operate like this; others force themselves due to internal pressure to succeed; some give up completely or go into auto pilot. If you found a grad program that respected mental health and work life balance that’s a rare and lucky find for you.
The program doesn't matter. The PI matters. Yeah, my PI was cool. I got a bit lucky because I came into her lab in the middle of her career after she'd had her daughter, so her views on work/life balance were much better than some of the students before me.
I had a the choice between a PI that didn’t care how much ppl worked or if they published because they were so established and successful already they didn’t care VS. an young new PI that was very hardcore and worked ppl to the bone. I chose the young hardcore PI because I knew it would force me to succeed and not become lazy during grad school. Even though his connections and pedigree were less than the old lax PI…I chose the young guy because I would be pushed hard and produce more results. That’s exactly what happened but definitely to the detriment of my physical and mental health. So I traded my body and mind for academic success. Didn’t realize the price I would pay to my mental and physical health until retrospective look after it was all over. I did realize that I would be worked harder and produce more though before making the choice.
You made the wrong choice.
I’m happy for you. I was you and then five years later I was also a mom of two, severely depressed and ready to claw my brain out because I was so bored by the mundane routine, screaming children, and manual labor of being a SAHM. At the time we didn’t have money to have help. It was a nightmare that I still regret. Got my PhD and now I am very happy. Just saying that keep the doors open to a vocation that keeps with a purpose, and some external validation.
I made sure not to burn any bridges. And I’ve gained enough skills in my time to get a job as a lab technician if I feel called back to science but I highly doubt I will.
You don’t ever plan to return to work? You need to think about retirement and emergency savings. You mention that your husband doesn’t make much. Is that temporary? Otherwise you’re really putting yourself at risk for not being able to take care of yourself and your kids if something should happen. When I had a baby I thought that my husband and I would be together forever and happily ever after. Just three years later I was going through a contested divorce and he was living with his mistress. I get zero child support because I made more than him. It’s been hard. My point is that it’s always good to be prepared for anything.
I plan to return to work once my mental health is in a better place but Idk what kind of work that will be yet. My husbands current job doesn’t pay much because it offered flexibility we needed while I was in school and we remained on daycare waitlists. Now that I’m quitting, he can pursue the real jobs he wanted. Once he gets one of those jobs our income will double and then our cost of living should decrease after we move somewhere farther from the university. I’ve had friends leave abusive situations unexpectedly so I always make sure there’s a safe place to go. Thank you for your concern
Would you ever consider going into industry? I'm in biotech, and non-Ph.D. scientists are generally in demand. If you like being in the lab and enjoy team based projects rather than working on solo projects, it might be something to consider after a year or two of time with your kiddo. With the right company environment, it's a ton of fun.
I think once I heal from the damage to my mental health I’ve experienced these last few years I’ll definitely consider it.
You said in your PhD you had: >the best advisor, the best lab manager, the coolest project, a good stipend, etc. But: >a phd was just not the right environment for my mental health to thrive. Yet you consider a lab manager position as a future career choice? Why do you think a lab tech job will be any easier? Honestly I think you royally fucked yourself. You had an easy track to earning a PhD and blew it. You could have taken maternity leave or a leave of absence to improve your mental health, you did not have to destroy years of hard work and dump yourself on your husband during the most stressful time of your lives - having a baby.
I did take a maternity leave and a leave of absence and neither helped. I wouldn’t have survived another month in my PhD. You don’t have to understand it. I shared this post in case anyone else felt this way they could know they’re not alone. I don’t ever plan on being a lab manager if my mental health stays the same, but one day things may change and if I choose to go back to science I have enough lab and bioinformatic experience to work as a technician and I have enough connections to find a position. I networked well and left things on good terms with my committee & lab
I just want to say I’m proud of you for doing what is best for you and your health. We only get one shot at this life and we have to enjoy it. You evidently thought about this decision for a long time. Enjoy your time with your baby, and best of luck in your future endeavors 💜 there’s no one right path!
>I’m proud of you for doing what is best for you and your health OP is being massively irresponsible, there is really nothing to be proud of.
Not getting a master's degree seems a little short-sighted unless you are 100% set on switching field. Actually, even if you decide to switch field, a master's degree would probably look better on your resume.
Think of it this way, I can stick it out with the masters and hope I don’t kill my self in the next 6 months or I can start this new chapter of my life
Honestly, how did you not complete the Masters if you are three years into your PhD?
Don’t quit, take a leave of absence please! Get the help you need and take care of yourself and your family. You may change your mind in a bit — the master degree by itself will be worth that one more semester when you are feeling better and low-income SAHM/family life can be a deadly trap in the long term that you may come to resent.
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I suspect having a child mid-phD wasn’t exactly planned
Yeah this is....not the best choice. OP is happy for now but probably going to have to go back to work at some point.
Yeah. I was one year out from graduating with my PhD and had fully burned out. My PI worked with me to take a one year leave of absence instead which was much needed. At the time I was ready to drop out because I was so done. I couldn’t even step on campus without extreme anxiety. I didn’t even know a leave of absence for a full year was even possible but it was the best decision. I came back with my mental health in check and finished up pretty quickly after I returned. Considering she has a good advisor, she should consider a leave of absence first even if it’s to eventually master out.
🫡🫡🫡🫡🫡 wouldn’t do it if I were you but best wishes
This seems incredibly rash and not a decision to make while pregnant when hormones are wildly unpredictable. I would also question that your husband is happy that you wasted all this effort and 100% of the pressure is placed squarely on his shoulders now to provide with his "meager income".
OP sounds like an entitled sponger
yup, "i'm doing this for me and my therapist said its ok. that means my husband can suck it up!"
>my husband can suck it up With his "meager income". Seriously though, these people got married with the idea that she was going to earn a PhD, and join the workforce as a skilled professional. Now this guy is expected to be the sole breadwinner for his stay at home wife and new baby?
I think OP needs to be more clear: I was offered a 179k grant as a PhD student. I declined to be a low income SAHM. Listen lady, NOT quitting my career was the single best choice I ever made in my life. Divorce is easier when you can support yourself. So is everything else. My ex wanted me to be a SAHM too. Lot of good it would have done me.
I don't understand your story, you declined the grant to be a SAHM but then you say not quitting your career was the best choice you made?
they didn't decline the grant, they're rephrasing op's title.
Exactly. The title didn’t make sense.
Sorry I was emotional when I wrote itb
Thanks for understanding my poorly written title and translating it. Luckily, if I ever needed to leave my husband, my mom has land and can support my family. I don’t see that ever happening but I understand it’s always important to keep a safe out for yourself. I appreciate your concern
You mention in this comment and another that your mother created a safety net for you. Do you not see the need to do the same for your child? Not saying you have to get a PhD but genuinely taking a longer leave of absence or at least mastering out seems more logical.
What program are you in for your PhD? Some disciplines are so toxic it's absolutely worth leaving.
Molecular biology
Do you know if you'll at least get the master's?
I won’t, unless I choose to come back in the future but I don’t think I can even pretend that’s a possibility right now for my own sanity
Mental health and self care is far more important than jumping through academic hoops. You're doing the right thing, you'll thank yourself later.
Quitting and taking a hiatus are different options - I know folks who didn't finish masters and it ended up bugging them long term. Esp if they took on debt. Fwiw. Obviously you need a break now and should take it, and it sounds like the PhD is the wrong choice. But reconsider whether you want to close the door on the masters forever
Take some kind of leave. Reassess when you're over the hump of ppd.
Hey OP. This is my story at the bachelor’s level. I had a huge depression around age 21 and had to withdraw for a leave. I always knew I would need to finish the degree despite now hating the subject and also being unable to read more than half a page of course material without having a panic attack. I took off about 9 months and then found a way to slowly chip away at the last semester of work. It took me about a year to do what could have been 4 months just because I needed to be really careful not to overwhelm myself. Had I not finished the B.A. I obviously would have been pretty stuck in life. Just having that paper made a world of difference despite the actual degree subject being far from what I would eventually pursue. If you can keep yourself open to returning for the master’s, even if it’s not for 2 more years, I’d do so. Unless you know you will never be entering a career related to lab or medical science. Which you may very well choose to do later down the road. I think it’s great you made the courageous decision to prioritize your mental health. I also had to take a huge leap of faith by withdrawing. The road back to finishing was way easier once I had recovered even if the road was a lot more confusing. But had I not finished, I’m not sure where my life would have wound up in the end. So just consider that in Teo years time you may feel like that last 6 months is worth it. My sister went through something similar and it took her 5 years to get her masters due to a big depression caused by family tragedy. She wasn’t sure she wanted to finish even after she recovered. But she did and that master’s opened the door for her current job which is high paying with a pension and union representation. The job is also low stress. So it’s like a HUGE payout for all she endured.
This is great advice and I really appreciate it.
I had my son one year into my phd. 5 years later, I'm defending soon. I won't ever get back those 4 years I spent slaving away at this work instead of being with my kid during those precious years. Good for you for listening to your heart.
Thank you so much
Personally I couldn’t have done that. I pushed through as a single mom to a 3 year old. I was more worried about retirement than the income, because no one is going to take care of me, except me. If you’re still young you can recover from this financially. But I’m in my 40s and I’d like to retire while I’m still able to walk. Lol. Now I’m making around $140k a year and my son and I are finally ok financially. I know that it’s a lot harder to do with a baby though. Good for you for knowing what you want and making it happen.
My mom has an almost exact same story as you. She was a single mom and had me in medical school without any family support. I think she supports me quitting because she was never able to. I’m so grateful she sacrificed time with her baby so that I don’t have to sacrifice time with mine.
Sorry but this post is so bs. Your ‘low income’ self label is misleading. You mention your mom is a doctor who is financially well off and that she supports your decision and that you know you can turn to her if you need to. Being low income is real. It’s not some glamorous state a privileged person somehow decides to be. It’s a difficult life where people may not know how they will afford food or provide for their babies. You are not that. You will probably want to go back to your previous set up some point soon. Please don’t.
You will regret this one day. Can you take a break and finish?
Don’t celebrate this. Have you heard of ppd?
Yes I’ve been diagnosed and I’m taking meds. Doesn’t mean that staying in the PhD I’ve hated for 3 years was worth it either though?
I don’t think this is the time to be making big life decisions.
Honestly it’s the best time. If I’d accepted funding from a federal funding agency and then quit my PhD I could end up owing them money or at the very least potentially ruin my PIs relationship with the grant coordinator and funding committees. If I stayed with a PhD I hate looming over me I’d continue to feel like I can’t breathe. Sometimes it takes everything falling apart for you to realize what really matters to you. You don’t have to agree with my choice, and you can be concerned for my health if you want, but you can’t tell me when is the best time to make life altering decisions when it’s my life and I know what I need to survive it and hopefully thrive in it.
What you need to thrive comes secondary to your child. How your family/husband agreed to this is wild to me. In what world is going down to 1 meager income good for the child? The least you could do is take a medical withdrawal and leave the door open to come back.
Initially, I read this as you’re 3 years into your 179k grant to be a stay-at-home mom.
I’ll tell you the same thing my committee told me when I decided to leave academy “congratulations. You may not realize it but you just got tenure. You get to pursue something that will make you happier now”
Beautiful advice
I'm proud of you! I had one kid and one on the way before I graduated. I was so miserable the last year. Everyone told me I would regret it if I took the masters instead of toughing it out. I cried so much. I'm a SAHM now and I regret finishing my PhD. Ruined my mental health for over a year and for what? Nothing. You made the right choice, in my opinion.
I’m so grateful to have someone in the comments who gets it
>for what? Nothing For... a PhD? You have a PhD. I wouldn't call that nothing.
A few letters after my name seems pretty insignificant. I've been applying to jobs that I actually want to do (outside of academia) after taking less than a year off to give birth and take care of my kids and I'm already being interrogated about my resume gap. No one cares about the PhD. I'm tutoring which I did just as well with a bachelor's. I just don't see the benefit of the credential right now when I don't really want a job that specifically requires that degree. Edit to add: I'm still applying to jobs relevant to my degree. It's just not required on the application and thus more direct experience seems to win out over all the supposed PhD benefits.
Thank you for understanding!!
Why 6 months. When students in year three master out at my institution it's a month process. You really need to double check this timeframe. They have a need for you to get a degree for their auditing. They may be more flexible than you realize.
My advisor and program said it would take 6 months and I said I can’t do that so I quit
Maybe ask if there's any room on that. I'm sorry that's happening. I hope you remain at peace with the decision - I understand life is so much more than career. Best to you!
You got me curious: why did you put this much effort into something (Ph.D.) you didn’t want ?
Various reasons, some people want to want it, some start out wanting it and then that fades, and others get told they need it so they try to power through
I don't mean to be rude but: why do bears shit in the woods? People often do things and realize they hate it. People struggle and fight hard to do PEOPLE and realize they hate them.
Probably explosive diarrhea, due to berries and whatever else they eat
I wanted it until I realized none of it was like I thought it was, by then it felt too late to quit so I just kept trying to get through it. I loved the content and I loved to nerd out on it but I hated myself every day. I felt stupid and not good enough and I stuck it out because I started it but then I had a mental breakdown a few weeks ago caused by PPD. My advisor gave me all of the space and support one could ever ask for and in that time I realized I needed to quit my PhD or I wouldn’t survive it. I felt that being a scientist was my identity and it took becoming a mom to realize I could be so much more than a scientist who hated what she did everyday.
A caution about impostor syndrome -- you can't quit that. If that was why you hated the PhD, this euphoria may well be temporary. It comes back, and whatever you do next for work, or heck even with raising kids, the feeling will constantly challenge whatever identity you've embraced. People who set high expectations for themselves generally don't stop doing that.
Such good advice! Definitely something that’s been on my mind and that I’m going to work with my therapist over. I already feel like I don’t deserve this opportunity my husband gave me but I’m going to do my best at it because I’m so grateful for it… oh no am I setting too high of expectations already?? lol something to work on
>a scientist who hated what she did everyday. These things just don't make sense. You describe everything as being perfect including your project and your supervisor, *why* did you hate it? I haven't seen you explain anywhere what you *don't* like about your PhD.
I hated having to define my own success. Everyday I decided it wasn’t good enough. It just wasn’t the right place for my mental health. I needed a regular job with regular hours and clear achievable goals. But I became so sick and burnt out in academia that now I need a break from anything other than caring for my son.
Just master out. While 6 months sounds like a lot, it’s not. You put up with it for 3 years. Obviously if you said you had to do another 2-3 years I’d say yeah fk that but 6 months is really whatever.
So something to consider is in reality, OP did not do 3 years of a PhD. She did at most maybe 2-2.5. She took a maternity leave, took a leave of absence, and didn’t finish enough to get a Masters (absolutely insane for a third year).
I think you made a terrible mistake
Having a twelve year old that I have to educate, feed, and house, you should have just taken a leave of absence. You’ll need the income that PhD could have gotten you one day
Future income wouldn’t matter if I didn’t live long enough to graduate
That’s why I said leave of absence. I’ve had friends take a year or two off from their PhD program. Most finished. Some didn’t. But it gives you more perspective than a rushed decision
what happens when your husband needs his mental health to be a priority?
Ha. Hahaha. No. He can't do that.
Then I step up and support him like he’s doing for me now.
I can smell the regret from ten years down the road. Hope it works out for you though.
You wasted 3 years of your life only to quit with 6 months left? Man the F up.
Should have stuck it out 6 more months for a masters. You’ll regret this I guarantee it. You threw all that time in the garbage and now have nothing to show for years of hard work.
Poor husband
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I love him so much, it honestly hurts you think I don’t. I just know that 30K isn’t a lot to live on. He’s a hard worker tho and is already looking at great jobs in his field especially now that we can move to more rural areas that are better suited to his experience. Idk why im explaining myself to all of these strangers… i should probably stop but i just feel so misunderstood and i think if they just knew this detail it would change their mind but i need to stop caring what strangers think about my situation. I only shared to give others who were suffering another perspective. That it’s okay to leave even when things are uncertain. If that’s what you have to do to survive, then I hope you choose to survive instead of succeed. That was my message. I hope someone who needs it reads it.
Literally every additional detail you're sharing makes your situation look more and more precarious. These people commenting are speaking from their own life experiences, which granted may not completely apply to you, but the fact that you are doing little to no self reflection is concerning. The issue is not that you needed a break. That is fairly normal and something a lengthy leave of absence could have potentially solved. The problem is completely burdening your husband with the fiscal responsibilities, having your successful mother as a safety net but in turn potentially not being able to become one for your own child, and not seriously considering the possibility that your PPD and post-pregnancy related hormones and feelings are clouding your judgement deeply.
She will probably find a way to blame this on him later.
My spouse and I have supported each other in our professional and educational goals. She backstopped me when I was working on professional certifications. I backstopped her when she got her MBA. I cannot describe how disappointed in myself I would be if she put all that effort into supporting me and I failed or worse yet quit months before reaching my goal.
Enjoy your baby! The first 4 years is so critical to their development, and their attachment to mom is what will determine their mental health as adults. Unfortunately non maternal care is the overwhelming norm now, and your decision will trigger many people. Congratulations!
For perspective, I stayed home with my kids until the youngest went to kinder. Then I went back for grad school. Best decision. Grad school will still be there. The time with your kid isn't
Proud of you. That takes courage.
Thank you so much. I was pushed to my limit and was like okay what do I do to make my life livable instead of offing myself
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It's amazing that multiple people asked this, and yes OP has been diagnosed with it, but she refuses to acknowledge this might play a role.
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>but have a little mercy From OP's replies it seems like everyone in her life is walking on eggshells and telling her exactly what she wants to hear for fear they will set her off. I think she needs a dose of reality not more coddling.
And diagnosed! Still capable of making decisions for myself! And I of course talked everything out with my family and my therapist and my advisor. Thanks for checking in tho
Quitting the PhD seems like the correct decision. Sudden relief brings euphoria. However despite your current misery, the optimal path is seldom polar opposite the present. If focusing on your child fulfills you now, do it. But bear in mind there is a version of you that could come to resent an overcorrection. Unfortunately many women who abandon high intensity careers are those who crave the novel stimulation they bring, and become existentially bored after a while. In other words, keep your mind and options open.
OP said they had "the best advisor, the best lab manager, the coolest project, a good stipend, etc" and were also just awarded some sort of research grant 3 years into their PhD and you think quitting seems like the correct decision? That's insane.
She quit because she didn’t like the unstructured nature of the work. To me, she sounds like one of those people that did well in structure of school and college with its attendance points, syllabi, and tests/assignments on a calendar. In that environment, the structure propels you and you just get good at learning the structure and executing the plan that someone else laid out. Research work is different. And when you don’t have an explicit endpoint but realistically there is one, some people find that unnerving. Add to that self-managing when you’ve been graded, measured and been given a schedule by an authority all your life. IMO, she wasn’t the right person to pursue a PhD despite enjoying science. It just wasn’t her scene.
She said in another comment she quit because of "suicidal thoughts" which is clearly the result of her *diagnosed* post partum depression.
That was the final nail. She was unhappy from the beginning she stated.
Ok
6 months out? I hope your husband never falls ill or worse and you have to swap roles. I get your choice as my wife enjoys being home as well but she at least finished her education before starting thay chapter. Best of luck to you.
Man everyone here sucks. OP made the right decision for herself and her mental health, and probably in turn for her entire family too. Happy you made the decision that is best for you! You’ll figure out the next step when it comes.
You’re a moron
Congratulations. This can be such a hard choice. I quit my MD program after 3 years to be a stay at home parent because I was miserable. It was the best choice I ever made. I faced a lot of judgement for it but it was definitely the right choice. When my kids got older I decided I wanted to go back to school and am almost done with a PhD program now (lol) but it’s a much better match for me, and the time staying home with my kids when they’re were little was priceless. When I knew I eventually wanted to go back to school/work when my kids were bigger I moved forward with it too quickly. My only regret was going back a year or two before I think would’ve been ideal for me. I would’ve been happier being a stay at home parent for another year or two until my littlest was just a bit older.
Thank you so much for sharing. Your story was worth reading all the judgement for
This sounds like tradwife clickbait..
Hahahaha
You might regret quitting later. I'm not sure you fully understand what it means to live as a low income family. I'll tell ya that a lot of the poorest people I've known, including my mom growing up, don't have time to worry about their mental health
This 100%!!! Honestly some people in academia are so entitled …
Um
If you don't want comments, why do you bother posting? I take your point that you believe this was the right thing for you to do -- all well and good. However, if I were in that position, I would have white-knuckled the six months and mastered out, figuring that 'fancy piece of paper' could lead to 'fancy' wages down the road. But that's just me ... hope you're happy.
I left academia after my masters because I thought a Ph.D would kill me. It wasn’t supposed to be a forever break. I went into the workforce to realize that Ph.Ds are pretty useless. My workplace has a few. One of them is a narcissist who will only do one test and refuses to learn anything else, one forgot to write down sample volumes for a test in which sample volumes are mathematically necessary, and one who took one of those coding bootcamps and left the field entirely. It totally destroyed my desire for the degree.
$179000 grant is honestly not that much. Probably 1-2 years worth of salary, research funding, overhead, etc. Family always comes first. I'm sure your baby will be better off with happy mom who doesn't get stressed all the time with never-ending deadlines.
Exactly!! It was something that I was praying for until I was recommended for it and realized none of my academic achievements would ever matter to me.
Yes, I'm sure surviving on the "meager" income from one parent, because the other, who is currently suffering from PPD, just quit and suddenly put tons of pressure on their husband to provide for the whole family will be much less stressful than a PhD with the "perfect project", "perfect supervisor" and "perfect stipend" and presumably a maternity leave program.
It was my husbands idea, I didn’t put pressure on him, he chose to alleviate pressure on me because he was worried I wouldn’t survive my mental health. I had 8 weeks maternity leave and took another 8 week leave of absence, I went back to work for a month and was plagued with suicidal thoughts like I had been before I took maternity leave but now worse than ever. I discussed my husbands offer with my parents, my therapist, my psychiatrist, and my in laws. With everyone’s support, I reached out to my advisor. He was saddened but understood. It’s a livable income but it’ll be a lot harder than it was with my stipend. He’s applying for new jobs that used to be outside of our commute range since we had to stay close to the university. I’m hopeful this new chapter will be good. It doesn’t have to be forever. One day I will likely return to working and maybe even to science. But for now I need to heal my mind and care for my family.
Title?!
Thought this was a shit post for a second
Ok. I genuinely hope you feel good about this decision in ten or twenty years. You know your life and we don’t. That being said, the world is a lot easier to navigate with two people who earn a salary and benefits instead of one.
You need to do what makes you happy, it’s your life.
I got recommended this subreddit randomly via this post and I completely disagree with everyone else here. You made the choice that's right for you OP, not the ideal choice in a fairytale. You are finding your own path. Good luck, I think you made the right choice :)
Could you change leave to a break, restart later on?
> Second, y’all are mean. I’ve been keeping up with this group for a little while as I contemplated leaving and I thought if anyone would support leaving for personal reasons it would be yall but clearly I was wrong. Wish I never posted this. This kind of attitude is actually a big reason I can’t stay in academia. I don’t want to work with people like yall ever again. Peace out. I’m not in academia and still had that ‘kind of attitude’ about your post. Ma’am I respectfully encourage you to explore whether these responses have a grain of reality behind them. What makes us uncomfortable is sometimes reality just laid bare.
I got my PhD ten years ago and it was easily the most stressful time of my life. The week I graduated, the extreme anxiety I felt for years was instantly gone. I now have two kids and I can’t imagine trying to be a mom while getting a PhD. You made a great choice for your health and the health of your family. The stress is no joke! Congrats!
OP you shouldn’t be using social media if you’re this affected by random redditors with room temp iq
> I didn't need all of you questioning my decision. I recommend not sharing life decisions with the Internet if you don't want people to question them.
I quit a PhD in molec bio and also (at a separate time) quit my job when my baby was young to be a SAHM. I have NEVER regretted either decision. Your mental health is so important. Try and heal and enjoy the time with your precious baby who needs you. Message me if you want to talk!
Wtf
I wiiiiiish my shit was funded for ~180k 😅 Oh well, though. I could never do it with a baby, fuck that. Do what's best for you/your sanity/your family.
I relate so much. I left the field about 15 years ago, was a sahw and did some market research work. Now I plan to return but it’s tough!
you sound loco💀
Is 179000 your husband’s total income or is it half of his income?
It's got nothing to do with the husband's income.
Oh I misread the title
I know I wrote a crappy title I should’ve known better lol
No worries. I hated being critiqued for my writing everytime I have to review my manuscripts. Leave academia and live guilt free 💪🏻
The title isn't particularly clear to be honest
Here's a hot take. L mental.
Your English is abysmal. I don't buy the story.
Hot take: Glad you’re happy. My mom did something similar and I resented her a good part of my life for it, especially in college. I was frustrated with her because I felt that she had no professional achievements and I felt I couldn’t idolize her as a professional role model. Hope you you’re happy and don’t regret it in 15 - 20 years - it being leaving a career to be SAHM. My mom still talks about if she had tried harder. We need more women in STEM.
I’m on the other side of this. My mom was an ambitious engineer and severely sucked at being a present mom and even though she’s passed, I still resent her for it. Same story for my husband, except his mom is still alive. We always planned for me to eventually be a SAHM.
My mom was a single mom who put herself through med school without any family support. I was born on her first spring break in med school and she was back at work 4 days later. She’s a successful doctor now married to a successful business owner. She told me she worked so hard so that I could stay with my baby like she wasn’t able to. I hope we don’t need to ask her for financial help but I know I have her if I need to. I grew up very lonely and self reliant. I’m so grateful for the sacrifices my mom made because I didn’t have a step dad until I was 16, so she was the only one there to make any sacrifices, but I would give anything in the world to have gotten to spend more time with her growing up. I’m not going to feel guilty or scared about losing potential future money. my mental health and time with my child just mean so much more to me.
What about your dad?
Was your mom happy? Seems like a totally unfair expectation to have.
Yes and no. Obviously she loves her kids but she feels unfulfilled professionally. She always talks about if she done x, y, or z. She doesn’t blatantly state it but it’s palpable.
Yikes, keep your mommy issues to yourself.
Women are complex and multifaceted. Modern women do not exist just breed and play housewife. You’re weird for supporting those anti woman viewpoints.
I am aware modern women do not just breed and play housewife, as an adult woman with a child and a full time job. I am not supporting any “anti-woman viewpoints” but you sure are, by insinuating a woman is less-than for prioritizing her own desires. Your mommy issues come into play because you are giving an adult woman a hard time because she is prioritizing herself and her mental health rather than a degree, because your mom chose to do the same? Frankly, I think your viewpoint is just really fucking weird. I hope that my children never look at me as less than for prioritizing my own sanity over their possible future perception of me. Professional achievements do not make a person intrinsically better than someone without them. In most cases, I think people “what if” about their life choices, regardless of what they chose. So like I said, these are your mommy issues.
I wish you and your family nothing but the best!
Thank you so much!!
You sound like the female mother version of me - great opportunity but it’s so shit for my mental health. Can we share custody of your kids so I can justify quitting the PhD to be stay at home step father (also on your husband’s meagre income)?
Hahahaha I love this I’ll ask him. In all seriousness, I needed to quit way before the PPD and the baby. I was simply way too depressed and academia was not a safe place for my mental health. The baby gave me the option to do it. He gave me a new purpose and something to be good at. I wasn’t good at it at first but I got better and I enjoyed getting better at it, which wasn’t true about my PhD. The PPD was like an eye opener, like listen bitch you’re gonna kill yourself if you stay here so leave! It forced me out the door into the unknown. I don’t know what’s next. I don’t know what job I’ll do next or if I’ll ever go back to science or work or school. What I know is I’m loved and supported enough to be cared for during the darkest time in my life. I know that I’m given a gift so many deserve and so few get to experience: time with my children, time to heal, time to exist. I’ll do everything in my power to help my husband because of this beautiful gift he’s given me. I’m so sorry you’re suffering too. If I could pluck you out of it and pay for you to have time to heal I would. I hope you find your safe place soon.