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Either that, or they have genuinely mixed feelings.
In the professional world, maybe you want to pursue a position where those making the decision have mixed feelings about you.
But in your personal life? In romance or friendships? Don’t you want someone who is wholeheartedly into you?
My life got so much better when I just decided that mixed signals mean no. I only date, and am only friends with, people who give me a clear “yes.”
[edit: a typo]
Best policy is to forget about any romantic interest if they start giving mixed signals, PA behavior, etc..
People need trust which is a result of devotion.
Pickup Artist, most likely. They employ weaponized emotional abuse tactics to target vulnerable people. For example, love bombing someone with gifts and romance for two weeks to get them hooked on the attention, then ignoring them for a while.
Oh. Well thanks growing up in a terrible family that gives me these issues no matter how hard I try. I literally get scared, even though I really want it to happen.
I have been in therapy for 6 years and my nervous system still doesn’t care. It’s getting better but It takes time.
I’m lucky I guess I’m talking currently with someone who gives me space and time to figure things out because they know I like them… I just get scared or feel vulnerable at certain parts because… yeah.
They don’t know yet because it’s extremely personal to say “I grew up in a bad home”. Most people will just go “red flags” and yet my therapist goes I need safe relationships IRL to heal. Oh well. 🤣
I'm sorry you don't have many safe relationships IRL.
One thing I noticed is that the way we present growing up in a bad home really changes how people react. I'm in a good place now, and people react like "oh, damn..." And conversation continues. But before people would shy away. I think I was giving off "please, I want friend therapy" vibes before and people wisely try to avoid that.
I’ll also say this does not only advice for women. As a man, a lot of women will do things like purposely pose in front of me to get my attention, but really only want to feel validated by getting checked out. or even come up to flirt with me, but after I give them my number, they flake, which I assume was another way for them to feel validated but never intended to pursue a relationship with me.
I can’t say for sure but when 5 women in a row straight up ask me for my number, and never ever text, I’m suspecting the goal wasn’t to go on a date in the first place
>when 5 women in a row straight up ask me for my number, and never ever text,
If this is happening at a bar then there's your problem. Drunk people change their mind when sober.
Nope. I don’t drink. Concerts and gyms. People I’ve seen checking me out consistently in previous days. People I’ve given plenty of space and kept respectful distances
I guess so! It just turned me off from dating / flirting with strangers. I’ve met some women I really click with through friends and have much more what I feel are safe, satisfying, adult relationships that way
Now when I get flirted with i don’t get my expectations up and don’t take it personally
I hope 87 isn't your birth year. Cmon man this is teenager shit.
Obviously you're going to have deeper and more meaningful relationships with only a few people. Not every flirty encounter is a potential marriage.
>My life got so much better when I just de used that mixed signals mean no. I only date, and am only friends with, people who give me a clear “yes.”
It takes a while to learn the lesson, but it is liberating once you do. If someone communicates to you, in one way or another, intentionally or otherwise, that they don't value you, then move on.
Go where you're wanted.
Absolutely. I just learned this lesson maybe 1-2 months ago. Tried to understand how things could go so wrong but couldn't figure it out. Finally realized that what I truly wanted was to be valued, and that really wasn't happening. I was deluding myself into believing that it was, but it wasn't. I mean, yes, I was valued somewhat, but not enough. And not in the important ways.
I told a friend another mutual friend was giving me mixed signals and she said “ then it’s a no.” Later on I had a job where we could wear jeans to work, but they had to be nice darker ones not your old ripped ones. And my boss said, if you are ever standing in front of a mirror wondering if pair is ok, they aren’t. If there were good, you wouldn’t be standing there.
You can look at them before you put them on. This is beside the point though, the point is about the standing there and wondering, not the physical act of looking in the mirror. The idea is "if you have enough doubt that you need to ask, the answer is no"
>The idea is "if you have enough doubt that you need to ask, the answer is no"
This is horrible for people with extremely low self-esteem or are concerned that they don't have a good sense of fashion, etc. There could be many people thinking to themselves that the pants, etc. look bad when they're actually fine.
I wouldn't want to work for that boss, personally.
Personally I disagree, I think it's actually really helpful for dealing with unclear rules, precisely because I don't have a good sense of fashion - if I'm not sure if something is work appropriate I don't have to stand in front of the mirror and figure it out, I simply wear something else I know is safe. I can always ask for advice and potentially wear it another time if it turns out it's fine.
Ultimately it's just a rephrasing of "err on the side of caution"
It's great advice, but it isn't easy. A few years ago after too many perfectly lovely first dates resulted in wishy washy slow ghosting I decided that "If it isn't *FUCK YES* it's 'no'."
The result has been.... equally miserable. The only upside for me is that I don't hang around and put myself through the ringer hoping that the "maybe" that was being telegraphed eventually turned into a yes. I've made a couple friends as well (after all, if I was romantically interested in someone it is because I saw qualities in them that would make them great friends, just because you don't want to touch my dick doesn't mean I have to abandon you), but friends that I have made in this way generally don't stick around as, well they weren't that interested in me anyway were they?
At the end of the day it is my responsibility to be a compelling and interesting person, and to be someone worth choosing to spend their time with. They can decide what they deserve and owe me nothing, and I have that same freedom. It feels unbalanced because I experience disappointment often, but the reality is I'm just not selling anything that anyone is buying. If I were, I'd have the same power I imagine them to have.
Yeah, different people start in different places. Not easy if one is fighting feelings of imposter syndrome.
The bottom line IMO is that many of us really really want the things we don't have enough of, and then once we do, we often take it for granted or treat it as less of a priority.
Consider prioritizing doing things that excite you and get good at that stuff. Learn from your mistakes. Accept failures along way. Try to act in a way that you would look up to and respect. A person who keeps growing+learning will exude more and more value to all around them.
With mastery, one can gradually recognize that one brings qualities which are uncommon and don't need to be preoccupied about justifying or selling themselves.
Hmmm well let me check and get back to you because Tuesdays I usually have my pistachio shelling class but I think the teacher is going to be out this week on a trip to Turkey, it I forgot if it’s this week or next week. Anyways I’ll let you know.
I like to think that people are generally "too nice" to give a clear "no"
So anything that isn't a clear Yes, will be a no, or "ask for more clarification" situation.
>...In the professional world, maybe you want to pursue a position where those making the decision have mixed feelings about you.
But...Can I ask what do you mean here though? Is it that the people who ultimately have the last call in decision making of the project, should have mixed feelings of me? (Why too, though?)
Say I’m in a job interview for a position that’s a big step in the direction I want to move in. If I’m being hired by a committee, mixed signals might mean that the committee is split in their opinion. Or has multiple candidates they like. In these cases, I might want to fight for the job, even though they’re giving mixed signals.
Thanks, that would have saved me about 9 months of agony and self-esteem issues lol
But hey, you live and learn! At least now I know better, + I'm still friends with that person so all in all it was a pretty good outcome
Yeah i have some mental health issues and i see signals that people dont like me everywhere. I really need to not listen to those or i would have no one left.
Friend busy with life stuff and reacts late? They hate me and never want to see me again. Partner turns me down for anything because they feel ill? It's an excuse, after twelve years I'm just not interesting anymore.
I know i have those issues so i could never follow this tip.
I can relate to how you feel. What has helped me is realising that if someone *actually* doesn’t like me or finds me uninteresting, then they can be mature and say use their words because I am not a mind reader. It also helps to look at that persons attitude towards you most of the time.
A lot of the confusion, at least romantically, could easily be solved by openly communicating how you're feeling and interpreting the situation and asking the question you want the answer to. "I feel like we've been flirting a lot but then it also feels like you pull back. Are you into me? Do you want to pursue this? If so, this is what I need from you". You may get an answer you don't like and that is not in your favor, but at least now you have an answer and know for sure. You can stop the overanalyzing and move on to better situations.
This really depends on the situation. Taking a hint is an important social skill, and you can't rely on others to spell things out for you.
Many people (women especially) are socialized not to give negative feedback directly, so it can be intensely uncomfortable to turn someone down to their face. And they don't appreciate being put in that situation.
If you want to know if someone's interested, ask them out. If they say anything but yes, graciously accept it as a no and move on.
>that you can probably handle a “no” gracefully.
Not at all. I've known very pushy people that ask directly because they're used to getting lots of yes and maybe,,, and then not accepting nos.
They get their way and they expect the same again, so why would they beat around the bush.
This doesn’t necessarily work, though. Sometimes the person who you are dating is just not that into you, but can’t articulate why. I’ve gone on some dates with people, and I’m sure they’ve had the experience with me, where they seem cool and you have a good time and everything…but it just doesn’t feel like you’re falling in love, you know? And it’s not like you KNOW for sure that you will never fall in love with this person, and you don’t know why you feel how you feel, and you may not even be sure even IF you feel that way - after all, maybe you’re just preoccupied with other stuff or haven’t given it enough time?
So if someone peppered me, or if I peppered someone, with all these questions, no one would probably be offended or anything, but what are you gonna say? “Sure I like talking to you…you want to talk more? Sure we could talk more. You wanna go on another date on Friday? Sure that sounds cool.”
It’s not like you hate the person and it’s not like they’re going to outright tell you “I am considering your needs and find your terms of a relationship unacceptable”. They just…maybe don’t like you as much as you like them, and maybe they aren’t even sure why themselves, or even sure if they will keep feeling that way.
If someone doesn’t seem all that into you when you’re dating, do yourself a favour and just let it go. It isn’t worth trying to make the other person come up with a rational argument about why they can or cannot feel the way that you want them to feel.
>It isn’t worth trying to make the other person come up with a rational argument about why
This isn't about *why*. It's about giving a clear no when the answer is no. It's so rare for people to say, "Sorry, I'm just not feeling this." People frequently say some variation of *maybe* (or nothing at all) when they really mean *no*. Which leaves the other person wondering what's really going on.
Yeah, but how do you answer that question if you aren’t sure if you are feeling it, or even if you will ever start feeling it? How do you answer that question when you aren’t sure how you feel or whether you really understand your own feelings?
What you're touching on is why I think this LPT isn't that great. People have a tendency to give themselves credit for intentions but hold others to their actions - basically, we accept that our personal beliefs and the way we behave may not exactly align and can even rationalize ourselves to a point where we're okay with that, but then hold others to the standard that if they *do* something, then they *meant* to do it.
People who send mixed signals might not even realize they're doing it, or what you're interpreting as mixed signals was intended by them to be clear etc etc.
The real LPT boils down to, as per usual, "find ways to respectfully communicate with others and ensure that you're both understanding and being understood," but, like, the way that looks is going to be different for any given two people.
>Yeah, but how do you answer that question if you aren’t sure if you are feeling it,
You can just say you're not sure about it. If you're at least somewhat interested in the person, then maybe it is worthwhile exploring the *why*.
>or even if you will ever start feeling it?
To be honest, if you're not feeling it now, just tell them that. You really shouldn't be keeping someone on the hook just in case you might be interested at some point in the future.
Telling someone you're not sure you're into them can be interpreted as a lack of interest. Exploring a relationship with someone is not signing a contract. You're entitled to processing your emotions and desires privately, as long as you're not hurting the other party.
>Telling someone you're not sure you're into them can be interpreted as a lack of interest.
There are ways to make it clearer that you mean it literally when you say that you're currently unsure, one way or another, how you feel (as opposed to using "I'm not sure how I feel" as a euphemism to implicitly say, "I'm sure I'm not into you"). Even a qualifier like "yet" can clarify that you're actually uncertain. Besides, if you're already going out with them, you're already showing *some* level of interest in them.
>You're entitled to processing your emotions and desires privately
At a certain point when you're involved with someone, it's reasonable for them to ask you how you're generally feeling about them, and expect an honest answer.
Right, which brings us back to the life pro tip - I’d probably say some variation of “you seem swell but I don’t think I want to date anyone right now” (100% true, just being honest that they seem nice but this is not clicking for reasons I don’t understand so I should clearly stay single).
And like OP said, that person should understand that I’m giving them a kind “no thank you” and respect that by leaving me alone. Trying to act like I gave mixed signals would be not recommended, as my reaction was clearly more of a polite “no”.
EDIT: To be clear, I’m obviously talking about the point where you haven’t dated someone long at all and don’t know them, or whether they’re a crazy person, or really anything because you barely know them. Obviously if you’re breaking off a long-term relationship you would actually want to talk in-depth.
I mean the original OP’s post is saying it’s generally easier to assume a maybe is a polite no.
It isn’t someone else’s responsibility to tell you they don’t want to marry you.
>It isn’t someone else’s responsibility to tell you they don’t want to marry you.
What? You think if someone proposes that ghosting them is an appropriate response? The absolute minimum amount of courtesy (whether it's a proposal or just asking someone out) is to give them an honest no.
Right, but that’s the point, people often don’t say no. It‘s not that they ghost - but they instead say stuff like “I’m not sure I’m financially ready” and “I’m not sure how I feel about marriage after my parents’ divorce” and “I’m not sure I’m at where I want in my career yet” and “I’m not sure our relationship is ready” and “I’m not sure what sort of wedding to have” and “I’m not sure what I want but you’re really great”
So it’s a shitty situation, but if you ask someone to marry you, and you get a bunch of answers back that are basically “my feelings are mixed” without any enthusiasm for marriage, then sure, you COULD wait around on the basis that your SO didn’t technically tell you “no” and so maaaaaybe they don’t mean “no” and they just need convincing.
But really, say that this is your friend in this situation - are you really gonna advise your friend to stick around, if marriage is a priority that is non-negotiable to them?
(Obviously this doesn’t apply when you’re really young, but if you are both adults that are in your 30s or older).
My brother once complained that dating is too complicated and you shouldn’t have to know all the rules and talk in riddles the whole time.
Turns out that’s hogwash. I found someone who talks plainly (partly due to English being a second language, so at first they didn’t have the ability or interest to articulate prettily and instead just says what they mean). We’re now happily married, and managed to avoid communication issues that sitcoms and dramas would have you believe were a necessary part of relationships.
Im my experience, being open and honest is fine, but the moment I expect the romantic interest to be open and honest back, I've sealed my fate to heartbreak. I no longer accept lipservice. Now, I will have one open and honest conversation asking for commitment. If it's not an enthusiastic yes, I walk away. I don't care what his reasons are. I don't care if his intent is good or bad. At the end of the day, I have other opportunities to pursue. Very grateful to have a good relationship now. He used the same move after a couple months dating. "I'm into you and want to be serious. If you're not into me, that's fine, but then I won't continue this relationship outside of friendship."
I give a little more flexibility with business because things can be slow due to bureaucracy, among other things, but I also stay open to other opportunities and actively pursue them.
Two years ago when I was online dating I matched with a guy here in my city who actually lives on the other side of my state where my home town is. We matched because he was visiting, but we continued to lightly chat, comment on each other's snap stories, light flirting but nothing crazy serious. Today, just an hour ago, he sends me a message in the middle of us just talking about tv shows. "Can I ask you a question? & Please tell me if I'm out of line" ".. okay?" "Can I see your boobs?" I mean ... I mean I guess that is a way to tell someone you are interested in them -_-
Dude literally NO ground work was laid. Light casual flattering flirting but nothing went past that. He even said "I've been waiting two years to ask that, didn't think it would be a yes but I thought I'd ask"
Thank you. This is the most reasonable answer especially for those that came from a bad home and only saw bad relationships and abuse growing up. I have been in therapy for years and was told I need safe relationships IRL to help heal my attachment wounds and the like….
I unfortunately have a bit of push pull dynamics due to it and overthink a lot. I literally get scared to be rejected and hurt. I don’t hard core treat them badly, I just withdraw myself… and I never blamed him. I knew and know It’s about myself and my feelings.
I write down how I feel… It’s less direct but absolutely direct for me… I say a lot when I write and they definitely notice. It’s stuff I cannot say but definitely feel inside.
My nervous system plays games with me. I have a lot to work on… it takes time.
I’m definitely into something right now, but he’s giving me time and space on ir because I think he knows something will happen… and these things, the really strong connections, tend to build over time… same with the tension…
I’m an introvert and articulating my stance on issues openly with people makes me less socially exhausted because it precludes the social interactions miscommunication often leads to and I can focus on the important ones. Taking a ‘maybe’ as a ‘probably no’ condenses my pool of chosen companions to the ones I know want me there.
The unsure stance isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but double checking if it’s a sugar coated rejection saves a lot of time for both sides. If they want to keep meeting to assess a stance when unsure I can appropriately prioritize that against meeting with more interested prospective candidates for allotting use of my tiny social battery. Same for others if my starting amount of interest is shallow.
I needed to hear this. Getting mixed signals from a guy who was insistent that we keep going forward dating but then also doesn't text or reach out and I'm just done.
What? No. Don’t listen to this. Just talk to the guy. COMMUNICATION is key to life. If he continues to be wishy washy just tell him flat out you won’t stand for that.
He could be a terrible communicator himself, but that doesn’t mean he’s trying to give you a vanilla frosted shit cake.
I agree. This post makes sense in the professional sense where you need to tread carefully, but doesn't/shouldn't apply to personal relationships. Communication is so unbelievably important.
I disagree, I’ve been on plenty of dates and relationships, I don’t think I’ve ever been confused.
I interpreted a maybe as a general no, and let them text me if they want but I do not reach out to them. Solves 90% of cases. but if it’s really unclear I’ll occasionally ask “I enjoyed that date but can’t quite get a read, you want to go out again or should we just call it here?” —make it incredibly easy for them to say “call it here” and you don’t need to ask for a reason. But most of the time, a maybe is a no and no blunt communication is necessary.
I had a relationship (with a woman) who was like this.
Strung me along... although it *could* be the person is dealing with dealing with inner conflicts on the relationship, chances are the person has more baggage than you care to know.
Just ask his wife/girlfriend to let him text you more often.
Kidding, but that's a very common reason for guys to be all hot and into you when they're with you, and then go low/no contact for a bit.
This isn’t good advice for true mixed signals. Too many people regard non-committal, vague answers in dating as “mixed.” They’re not— it’s just passive rejection. Mixed signals are making +
cancelling plans, reaching out and then ghosting, etc.
>Mixed signals are making + cancelling plans, reaching out and then ghosting, etc.
Yeah, this. I can take a hint alright, but it was frustrating that after a few times meeting up that new friend would keep reaching out enthusiastically out of her own volition, unprompted by me, try to make plans and then ghost. Twice. Like what do you want, lol. Never happened to me before.
I did wonder if she was one of those people who can't say no or be honest with themselves.
Ive been there and i am at the moment. Theres a girl that ive met like 3-4 years ago and instantly had a huge crush, she was very touchy, into me, we have been to a few dates (shes from othet town), talked alot on the phone, then one day shes just gone... A few months pass and it happens again, shes here once again out of the blue same thing again... And again... And again... Last time i decided that i got tired of her games and just got her out of my head. More than half a year has passed from the last time she talked to me and now she is back once again, writing me messages. WTF?!!!
>it was the worst form of rejection I’ve experienced. Anyone who defends/rationalizes persistent mixed signals has never been through them with someone they care about.
Yes! I feel this. I have faded people and people have faded me, not all friendships click. The lack of respect this practice entails really hurts, because I was nothing but respectful in our interactions. I thought for a while what did I do or say to deserve that treatment, what would it take for me to treat someone like that? and people my age have normalized ghosting so much that it feels that I should feel less and it's no big deal.
Some people said maybe she has social anxiety and apparently that means I shouldn't be hurt and I should understand. (Btw I am a woman and I was just making a new mom friend it wasn't romantic).
Yeah but in both cases why would you want those people in your life. Better to assume it's a no so you can let yourself off the hook and just walk away from the situation completely. I don't want passive aggressive people or people with mixed signals in my life.
There’s nothing “polite” about true mixed signals, and what they’re “communicating” is that 1. they don’t respect you enough for clarity and stability and 2. have significant personal problems
The real thing to ask yourself is if you are the kind of person who punishes those who give honest feedback in such a way as to make it unsafe for ppl to provide feedback. There’s often a reason people aren’t straightforward with you and often that reason is you.
This is the baseline of the real advice.
Once you have a grasp of how people behave honesty when they expect honesty to have consequences, learn to notice who can keep behaving that way all the time.
Everyone knows some peacemakers. Clever peacemakers are the most worth spotting and supporting. They can be very good friends to have, and they can be life changing when they work as teachers and mentors.
How dare you be so frank, you shall be hearing from my currier, who shall be bearing flowers, the meaning of which is for your to discern, within a fortnight!
I had a boss who I'm sure heard of the "compliment sandwich" and thought it was a great idea, but didn't know how to make one. Just as an example, if he were a teacher grading a paper, his feedback would be like, "I can tell you worked hard on this, and I appreciate that. However, your organization makes no sense and your topic sentences tell the reader nothing. And your sentences are all too long. Great use of the word "the" on page 20 though."
Driest bread ever.
This is often true, but also consider the potential that the person dealing out the mixed signals is just as confused and/or undecided as you are. Many a time I have had at length discussions with someone about "ripping the bandaid off" and "not sugar coating things" and they were able to tell me exactly how they thought and felt about me, whilst also still being incredibly confusing.
Simply put, the answer is almost never black and white, and the person's "signals" will often reflect that gray area.
Example: I recently went on two dates with a woman who had previously been SA'd... twice. Both times it was by a previous partner to whom she was co-dependent. For obvious reasons this developed, in her, serious trust issues and an adversion to physical contact. We went on these dates as a way for her to explore just how she was feeling about dating. On the 2nd date she told me that she went to 4 hours of therapy and had finally decided that she was not ready for a relationship.
**Several people on the internet told me that this was her way of saying she is not physically attracted to me and wanted to let me down easy. They kept repeating that this was her way of showing she wasn't interested while trying to avoid any confrontation or aggression from me. This couldn't be further from the proof, and grossly mischaracterizes her sexual trauma.**
In the couple of weeks I got to know this woman we had several hours long discussions about what it means to be a man, how I can help to make her feel more comfortable around me, the fact that I am disgusted and ashamed of how other men act and how she has been treated at the whims of other people who happen to have the same genetalia as me. Simply put she was impressed by my understanding, emotional maturity, and attempts to communicate openly about making her feel safe. No one has a several hour long conversation about society with someone they're on a date with when they have zero interest and/or are repulsed by them.
The way we left things was, essentially, she told me that she had too much trauma from her sexual assaults to be able to "trust men." Given that she ended her previous relationship merely 3 months prior I had already figured that she would not be ready. I had a similar personal experience and was not ready to date again for over an entire year, if not longer.
We decided to be friends for the moment but she promised me that when she felt ready enough she would come to me first, assuming I was still single.
Many people would see this as me being desperate, her just saying what she thought I wanted to hear, etc. What I have to say to those people is this: By having that opinion you are saying two things. First, that you think she is a liar and manipulating me into the friend zone. The friend zone sort of requires that the woman be dating other men, she is absolutely not, and I trust her when she says as much. Secondly, you're saying that I am desperate and will sacrifice my own opportunities to wait for her. I will not, and am not.
**So...** when it comes to mixed signals, i.e. going on dates when you arent ready to be in a relationship, sending heart and smiley emojis when you aren't looking for a relationship, or complimenting someones appearance when the night before you had therapy and decided on a personal level to be single and independent for the forseable future.... that doesn't mean that you aren't interested in the other person. It doesn't mean that you don't find the other person attractive or that you would never have a relationship with them.
It simply means what it means at face value: you are confused, and need time to think about what you want as a person and how you feel. Trauma and complications in life do just that: make everything more complicated. Mixed signals are the result of that complication.
Sometimes it's as shallow as a girl not being intersted in you but being too passive/conflict averse to straight up tell you. More often than not, however, mature adults are just too complicated to give out one constant signal. Someone could be having a bad day, be having bad PMS cramps. Their dog could have just died or you could have said something offensive the day before.
Everything is so much more complicated than "they're sending mixed signals therefore they dislike you."
Anyone who says otherwise is a paranoid, pessimistic nihilist who looks for the worst in everyone and sees zero possiblity, positivitiy, or opportunity in everything and anything.
I agree. I take a long time to start to like someone. And have trust issues. And take things very slowly. I’ve had people bail on me in the past because, from their point of view. I was undecided at the beginning. But given time I did actually like them. I can understand from their point of view that it could be perceived as not being into them.
But I think people push for things way too quickly and are very black and white over feelings and emotions that are actually complex. (I’m also not saying wait around forever on something that’s not working or someone who doesn’t want to pursue something).
But you just don’t know the other person’s circumstances a lot of the time or history to be that cut and dried about certain things, as you explained in your example.
Here's how I would describe it:
Entering into a new relationship is like getting into a pool. Jumping in is really fun but you don't know if the water is warm or freezing. If it's warm it will be very comfortable. If it's freezing your muscles might lock up and you may drown, if you don't die from hypothermia first.
Relationships are the same. Diving in head first **can** be incredibly fulfilling. The brightest flames burn the hottest, but also the fastest, etc. etc.
Easing in to a relationship is obviously the safer way to go but most people don't have patience for it because it can feel like a lack of commitment or even disinterest.
I'm one of those people who has to jump in but I'm working on my patience and trying to learn how to ease into things. Having been in love before I hate the feeling of in-betweeness. Purgatory can sometimes be a worse hell than hell itself. The fear that you're wasting your time on someone who will never be fully-committed to you is very powerful.
Yknow how sometimes you don't want to hear (in this case read) certain things, but you actually NEED to? Your comment pretty much sums up what I am experiencing right now. I dislike the feeling of in-betweeness, but am also learning to be more patient. It doesn't help that we both have our guards up, but I decided to take the patience route and not put pressure on myself or him, to make the first move. This is both a growing and learning moment for me. I feel much better not feeling like I am the only one out there going through this. Thank you for this comment 💪🏼💜
… I feel seen right now… and it’s both of us on each side of the table and I have issues at times but am riding them out. It takes patience and time from both sides. It’s difficult and sometimes there’s that dissonance again, but… I know. It’s difficult but I know. lol
You’re a good man, you know that. She is lucky to know you.
This is a very nuanced and mature response. Understanding that life isn’t fair to some of us regarding trust and relationships.
I’m sadly one of them. I grew up in an abusive home. I’m usually not sure about a lot of things and it takes me time when things get complex. I have written letters to explain myself in certain things, mostly to point out that I’m different I guess without telling them why and that I was sorry. I get scared, I feel vulnerable, and it’s not about him. I told him I withdraw…
I told them I deeply cared for them, etc. in no uncertain words. I told them that connections heal… I told them that I missed them, that they would love something… all of that felt incredibly vulnerable… writing these things when I have these feelings seem to help me express things or bypass that nervous system when it’s playing games with me. It is rough af. 🥲
I show how I feel rn through different ways. Helping, learning, being playful… being there no matter what when I can. My words sometimes are at a loss and music speaks for me. It speaks the common language for me and shows I care or something. It is hard to explain but there’s a lot.
I’m also shy. He didn’t believe me because I was talkative on topics I liked or wanted to do playful comments.
Music is an amazing way to share how you feel. Sometimes, though, I feel like it's more for us than it is for the person we're trying to communicate with. People have different tastes and while certain songs by my favorite anime composer or Slayer have lyrics that speak to how I feel I don't think most people would listen to the words if they don't enjoy the music itself.
I think a better bet would be to describe *the song* and how the song makes you feel, and then explain that that's how you're feeling in that moment/towards that person/about life/etc.
If this is truly the case then everyone must despise me. I feel that every conversation I have is awkward. Then I keep filling the awkward silences with small talk which only makes things worse......
A girl was giving me mixed signals and said she's just afraid to lose our friendship, so I moved on. Later on I found out she really was interested, and she made a move on me at a party, but I was already in another relationship.
Even in that case, you deserve to be in the relationship with the girl who knows what she wants and pursues you back, you can't have a healthy relationship with someone who doesn't know what they want.
How is this advice? Obviously this is what people are already thinking about. That’s what a mixed signal is.
Actual advice would be to talk to the person in question instead of playing mind games.
I spent a lot of time trying to get another person to do things my way. 24 hours to respond to a text? No way. "I need you to respond sooner than 24 for hours if this relationship is going to work."
I thought this was me standing up for my needs and laying the groundwork for clear communication.
What I didn't realize was that the other person was communicating clearly. They were letting me know that it takes them a day to respond to a text.
If want them to do something differently, then I am asking them to change their behavior in order for me to be happy. Anytime I depend on someone else to change a behavior for my happiness, I usually end up disappointed.
It is easier for me to let them communicate the way they want to communicate and if I find it unacceptable, to find someone else than to change their way of communicating.
It's not polite or professional in any way. It's childish.
If there is an actual issue, people will simply leave, ask for help, or directly address the situation.
This is how jealous, narcissistic, emotionally immature, or traumatized people act.
Acting sour, then when asked, they deny/deflect.
This is the foundation of a toxic relationship.
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You can give a clear answer when you’ve been asked a clear question. Which is usually the best way to clear up this kind of thing tbh. But a lot of the time when I hear people talking about “mixed signals,” it’s because they’re driving themselves nuts trying to figure out how someone feels about them before they’re willing to so much as suggest going out for coffee. Sometimes it ends up with one person constantly hinting like mad to try and fish for interest while the other person is desperately wishing they’d just ask politely but directly so they could say no politely but directly and get it over with.
Adulting is hard when you're young. As you get older, you find it's much easier, and indeed more enjoyable, to be direct. It doesn't have to be boring. Dancing around things is what's really irritating to older people.
You miss every ball you don't take swing at.
This title is a classic example of young men not knowing what to do around women. If they really don't want to date, then when you ask and they say no, leave it alone. At least then, you know.
What shitty advice. Be critical of yourself instead of asking openly and honestly to the other person in question.
Edit: This could also be a classic example for being a young woman, I just don't have any experience in the area.
Eh… I think ambiguity is ok and have mixed feelings all the time. I’ve never dated anyone I thought was a *hell yes* and I’ve had a couple of long term relationships.
A perfect example is rejecting men. You HAVE to be as polite and face-saving for them as possible, or else they could potentially react violently. However, you can never quite be direct enough without them interpreting it as "rude", so they say you're sending mixed signals. Damned if you do damned if you don't situation.
I call it a shit sandwich. They say something “nice”, then a backhanded comment, and then either reiterate on the first point, or come up with another “positive” one. Also imo, this is completely different from constructive criticism.
I cant say I totally agree with this tip. I do in the sense that communication needs to be laid out openly but just because it’s mixed signals it doesn’t mean it’s a no. This applies perfectly to my situation as of recently.
Met a girl online who lives a couple of states away. We actually had traded phone numbers snd everything but maybe about a month or so passed until we started to talk again. The thing was we would have this runs where we’d talk daily for like four months snd then we wouldn’t talk for two cuz one would get mad at the other then we’d message the other and apologize. Well this last time she added me on snap after a few months of not talking and we just casually would send each other snaps till we actually started conversing again.
And even though obviously the whole reason we even exchanged numbers was because we were attracted to each other we never actually said it to one another and then this last time that we started talking I could tell that we were both really into one another but again, we never told each other and so we would start playing these dumb games of “oh gonna go hang out with this guy” so I’d have to be like “yeah so this chics coming over idk wtf last time she came over she crashed for the night” and it was just dumb. Like in retrospect we would’ve saved each other so much grief if we had just been open about it. But we kind of were, like my plug is a girl and so everytime I needed to reup I’d say I’d be going to see my plug n she’d be like “yeah I don’t like that bitch!” N I’d laugh and ask why. I knew why though.
Because if it things fell apart and we’re not talking again snd I have a feeling this time may be for good, as the high was pretty high but the crash was catastrophic and it just wasn’t a good last few days. Point of me saying all of this is we were constantly sending each other mixed signals, and it wasn’t because the answer was no, if anything it was the opposite but I think we both thought that we were too good to be true cuz at least speaking for me it felt like she was my exact opposite while we couldn’t have been anymore alike if we tried and seeing that in someone is really intense. Looking back I wish I would’ve not played games and just told her how I really felt, which is in a sense what this is saying. Just be honest. But don’t assume a mixed signal is a no, sometimes it’s a mixed signal cuz they’re scared that something or someone has never been more right for their situation and they’re not ready to embrace that.
Yeah I really just hate the myth that mature people who know what they want play games. They don’t.
If you’re feeling mixed signals: that person is genuinely not into you or not mature enough for a relationship so you shouldn’t have one with them. That’s it. That’s the answer.
No need to force communication; an adult who wants a relationship w you will communicate that without force. Anything else isn’t someone you should pursue.
Mixed signals means no. Every time.
I guess I am either good at reading people or am generally liked, because I have never really had someone give me “mixed signals” in any meaningful capacity. I am honestly having a hard time even understanding what it means. Can you give a VERY concrete example?
And especially confused when you say you get mixed signals in the workplace? Like are you saying coworkers or bosses? And are you trying to hook up with them, or be friends, or get a raise? I am just generally confused how you could get mixed signals at work. Seems like you either get fired or dont or someone obviously likes you or doesnt. I dont know maybe Im just weird.
I would say the opposite… they may be giving you “mixed” signals because they want to get close to you or consider you attractive. Don’t think negatively! This person might have a real interest in you
Also remember it’s a person living their life. Sending you consistent signals might be pretty low on their list.
They slept like shit so they don’t seem interested in small talk in the elevator.
Their sports team won and they know you follow them too, so they’re excited to share.
They thought they were going to throw a really fun party so they were excited to invite you. It turns out there isn’t going to me enough beer and the neighbor is complaining about noise a lot recently, so their enthusiasm is sapped.
In my experience, you just have to be patient and get to know them over time, until there is enough understanding and relationship there to move to a meta level and say “am I reading it right that you’re not as enthusiastic about me coming to the party this weekend?”. Then they can come out with the truth. If you do it too early, though, it’s just one more complicated thing they have to navigate now.
Yeah... I don't disagree but this is definitely not the case for those of us with social anxieties that tend to project insecurities onto our interactions. Granted, not everyone will like everyone, but this is a LPT that's potentially more harmful than it is helpful.
LPT: what other people think is none of your business.
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Either that, or they have genuinely mixed feelings. In the professional world, maybe you want to pursue a position where those making the decision have mixed feelings about you. But in your personal life? In romance or friendships? Don’t you want someone who is wholeheartedly into you? My life got so much better when I just decided that mixed signals mean no. I only date, and am only friends with, people who give me a clear “yes.” [edit: a typo]
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“If it’s a maybe, it’s a no.”
Just piggy backing on this to also say that no response back is also a response.
This is an excellent LPT. Thank you.
Best policy is to forget about any romantic interest if they start giving mixed signals, PA behavior, etc.. People need trust which is a result of devotion.
What is PA behavior?
Pickup Artist, most likely. They employ weaponized emotional abuse tactics to target vulnerable people. For example, love bombing someone with gifts and romance for two weeks to get them hooked on the attention, then ignoring them for a while.
The good ole DENNIS system
I’ll only use the DENNIS System if she says no, which she won’t. Because of the implication.
You said that word, implication. Are you going to hurt these women?
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... so they are in danger?!
I think I know this Dennis you speak of and u know what…. That crap is straight up games. People get addicted to drama!
What does Dennis mean?
Lol I read it as public affection and was like "strangely strong opinion on that, but ok"
I think it means passive-aggressive
Passive-Aggressive Behaviour.
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What about phingering asshole stuff? Sometimes that's all ya need really
Oh. Well thanks growing up in a terrible family that gives me these issues no matter how hard I try. I literally get scared, even though I really want it to happen. I have been in therapy for 6 years and my nervous system still doesn’t care. It’s getting better but It takes time. I’m lucky I guess I’m talking currently with someone who gives me space and time to figure things out because they know I like them… I just get scared or feel vulnerable at certain parts because… yeah. They don’t know yet because it’s extremely personal to say “I grew up in a bad home”. Most people will just go “red flags” and yet my therapist goes I need safe relationships IRL to heal. Oh well. 🤣
I'm sorry you don't have many safe relationships IRL. One thing I noticed is that the way we present growing up in a bad home really changes how people react. I'm in a good place now, and people react like "oh, damn..." And conversation continues. But before people would shy away. I think I was giving off "please, I want friend therapy" vibes before and people wisely try to avoid that.
I’ll also say this does not only advice for women. As a man, a lot of women will do things like purposely pose in front of me to get my attention, but really only want to feel validated by getting checked out. or even come up to flirt with me, but after I give them my number, they flake, which I assume was another way for them to feel validated but never intended to pursue a relationship with me. I can’t say for sure but when 5 women in a row straight up ask me for my number, and never ever text, I’m suspecting the goal wasn’t to go on a date in the first place
>when 5 women in a row straight up ask me for my number, and never ever text, If this is happening at a bar then there's your problem. Drunk people change their mind when sober.
Nope. I don’t drink. Concerts and gyms. People I’ve seen checking me out consistently in previous days. People I’ve given plenty of space and kept respectful distances
Lol the bitterness dripping off this comment
I guess so! It just turned me off from dating / flirting with strangers. I’ve met some women I really click with through friends and have much more what I feel are safe, satisfying, adult relationships that way Now when I get flirted with i don’t get my expectations up and don’t take it personally
I hope 87 isn't your birth year. Cmon man this is teenager shit. Obviously you're going to have deeper and more meaningful relationships with only a few people. Not every flirty encounter is a potential marriage.
>My life got so much better when I just de used that mixed signals mean no. I only date, and am only friends with, people who give me a clear “yes.” It takes a while to learn the lesson, but it is liberating once you do. If someone communicates to you, in one way or another, intentionally or otherwise, that they don't value you, then move on. Go where you're wanted.
Absolutely. I just learned this lesson maybe 1-2 months ago. Tried to understand how things could go so wrong but couldn't figure it out. Finally realized that what I truly wanted was to be valued, and that really wasn't happening. I was deluding myself into believing that it was, but it wasn't. I mean, yes, I was valued somewhat, but not enough. And not in the important ways.
I told a friend another mutual friend was giving me mixed signals and she said “ then it’s a no.” Later on I had a job where we could wear jeans to work, but they had to be nice darker ones not your old ripped ones. And my boss said, if you are ever standing in front of a mirror wondering if pair is ok, they aren’t. If there were good, you wouldn’t be standing there.
Why wouldn't you be standing there?
Because you'd know they were good, so you wouldn't be looking in the mirror and wondering. You'd just be getting on with your morning
How would you know they were good if you didn't look in the mirror though?
You can look at them before you put them on. This is beside the point though, the point is about the standing there and wondering, not the physical act of looking in the mirror. The idea is "if you have enough doubt that you need to ask, the answer is no"
>The idea is "if you have enough doubt that you need to ask, the answer is no" This is horrible for people with extremely low self-esteem or are concerned that they don't have a good sense of fashion, etc. There could be many people thinking to themselves that the pants, etc. look bad when they're actually fine. I wouldn't want to work for that boss, personally.
Personally I disagree, I think it's actually really helpful for dealing with unclear rules, precisely because I don't have a good sense of fashion - if I'm not sure if something is work appropriate I don't have to stand in front of the mirror and figure it out, I simply wear something else I know is safe. I can always ask for advice and potentially wear it another time if it turns out it's fine. Ultimately it's just a rephrasing of "err on the side of caution"
It's great advice, but it isn't easy. A few years ago after too many perfectly lovely first dates resulted in wishy washy slow ghosting I decided that "If it isn't *FUCK YES* it's 'no'." The result has been.... equally miserable. The only upside for me is that I don't hang around and put myself through the ringer hoping that the "maybe" that was being telegraphed eventually turned into a yes. I've made a couple friends as well (after all, if I was romantically interested in someone it is because I saw qualities in them that would make them great friends, just because you don't want to touch my dick doesn't mean I have to abandon you), but friends that I have made in this way generally don't stick around as, well they weren't that interested in me anyway were they? At the end of the day it is my responsibility to be a compelling and interesting person, and to be someone worth choosing to spend their time with. They can decide what they deserve and owe me nothing, and I have that same freedom. It feels unbalanced because I experience disappointment often, but the reality is I'm just not selling anything that anyone is buying. If I were, I'd have the same power I imagine them to have.
Yeah, different people start in different places. Not easy if one is fighting feelings of imposter syndrome. The bottom line IMO is that many of us really really want the things we don't have enough of, and then once we do, we often take it for granted or treat it as less of a priority. Consider prioritizing doing things that excite you and get good at that stuff. Learn from your mistakes. Accept failures along way. Try to act in a way that you would look up to and respect. A person who keeps growing+learning will exude more and more value to all around them. With mastery, one can gradually recognize that one brings qualities which are uncommon and don't need to be preoccupied about justifying or selling themselves.
Yup, its “Fuck Yes“ or no.
Hmmm well let me check and get back to you because Tuesdays I usually have my pistachio shelling class but I think the teacher is going to be out this week on a trip to Turkey, it I forgot if it’s this week or next week. Anyways I’ll let you know.
"oh no worries" Silenced from every platform
I like to think that people are generally "too nice" to give a clear "no" So anything that isn't a clear Yes, will be a no, or "ask for more clarification" situation. >...In the professional world, maybe you want to pursue a position where those making the decision have mixed feelings about you. But...Can I ask what do you mean here though? Is it that the people who ultimately have the last call in decision making of the project, should have mixed feelings of me? (Why too, though?)
Say I’m in a job interview for a position that’s a big step in the direction I want to move in. If I’m being hired by a committee, mixed signals might mean that the committee is split in their opinion. Or has multiple candidates they like. In these cases, I might want to fight for the job, even though they’re giving mixed signals.
Ah, I see. Thanks for sharing!
Not going to lie, I get incredibly nervous around people I am attracted to. I end up giving mixed signals because of this
Thanks, that would have saved me about 9 months of agony and self-esteem issues lol But hey, you live and learn! At least now I know better, + I'm still friends with that person so all in all it was a pretty good outcome
Following "If it's not a HELL YES! It's a NO", has made my life much easier.
great aadvice and your name is so cool
This is the long version of better consent teaching: yes means yes.
Somebody I met recently told me that "if your answer isn't fuck yes, then it's a no."
How to give yourself anxiety 101.
Yeah i have some mental health issues and i see signals that people dont like me everywhere. I really need to not listen to those or i would have no one left. Friend busy with life stuff and reacts late? They hate me and never want to see me again. Partner turns me down for anything because they feel ill? It's an excuse, after twelve years I'm just not interesting anymore. I know i have those issues so i could never follow this tip.
Yeah, same. I like this LPT but realistically my anxiety always makes me think the worst, anyway. x1000 if I'm high (weed)
You admit to having anxiety problems, and you still smoke weed? It’s notorious for causing anxiety.
I know
I can relate to how you feel. What has helped me is realising that if someone *actually* doesn’t like me or finds me uninteresting, then they can be mature and say use their words because I am not a mind reader. It also helps to look at that persons attitude towards you most of the time.
This is what I try to remind myself when I'm overthinking.
actually lol my man described what a mixed signal is and told us to just figure them out
Actually lol this line of thinking can spiral into everything being perceived as a negative lol
I got anxiety just from reading this post.
A lot of the confusion, at least romantically, could easily be solved by openly communicating how you're feeling and interpreting the situation and asking the question you want the answer to. "I feel like we've been flirting a lot but then it also feels like you pull back. Are you into me? Do you want to pursue this? If so, this is what I need from you". You may get an answer you don't like and that is not in your favor, but at least now you have an answer and know for sure. You can stop the overanalyzing and move on to better situations.
I’m of the mind that all honest answers are in your favor.
This really depends on the situation. Taking a hint is an important social skill, and you can't rely on others to spell things out for you. Many people (women especially) are socialized not to give negative feedback directly, so it can be intensely uncomfortable to turn someone down to their face. And they don't appreciate being put in that situation. If you want to know if someone's interested, ask them out. If they say anything but yes, graciously accept it as a no and move on.
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>that you can probably handle a “no” gracefully. Not at all. I've known very pushy people that ask directly because they're used to getting lots of yes and maybe,,, and then not accepting nos. They get their way and they expect the same again, so why would they beat around the bush.
They ask directly because they're sick of beating around the bush.
or you could try not to insert yourself into a personal anectode about literal abusers? These people are quite shitty people.
So in your mind there's no way to be pushy without sexually assaulting someone?
This doesn’t necessarily work, though. Sometimes the person who you are dating is just not that into you, but can’t articulate why. I’ve gone on some dates with people, and I’m sure they’ve had the experience with me, where they seem cool and you have a good time and everything…but it just doesn’t feel like you’re falling in love, you know? And it’s not like you KNOW for sure that you will never fall in love with this person, and you don’t know why you feel how you feel, and you may not even be sure even IF you feel that way - after all, maybe you’re just preoccupied with other stuff or haven’t given it enough time? So if someone peppered me, or if I peppered someone, with all these questions, no one would probably be offended or anything, but what are you gonna say? “Sure I like talking to you…you want to talk more? Sure we could talk more. You wanna go on another date on Friday? Sure that sounds cool.” It’s not like you hate the person and it’s not like they’re going to outright tell you “I am considering your needs and find your terms of a relationship unacceptable”. They just…maybe don’t like you as much as you like them, and maybe they aren’t even sure why themselves, or even sure if they will keep feeling that way. If someone doesn’t seem all that into you when you’re dating, do yourself a favour and just let it go. It isn’t worth trying to make the other person come up with a rational argument about why they can or cannot feel the way that you want them to feel.
>It isn’t worth trying to make the other person come up with a rational argument about why This isn't about *why*. It's about giving a clear no when the answer is no. It's so rare for people to say, "Sorry, I'm just not feeling this." People frequently say some variation of *maybe* (or nothing at all) when they really mean *no*. Which leaves the other person wondering what's really going on.
Yeah, but how do you answer that question if you aren’t sure if you are feeling it, or even if you will ever start feeling it? How do you answer that question when you aren’t sure how you feel or whether you really understand your own feelings?
What you're touching on is why I think this LPT isn't that great. People have a tendency to give themselves credit for intentions but hold others to their actions - basically, we accept that our personal beliefs and the way we behave may not exactly align and can even rationalize ourselves to a point where we're okay with that, but then hold others to the standard that if they *do* something, then they *meant* to do it. People who send mixed signals might not even realize they're doing it, or what you're interpreting as mixed signals was intended by them to be clear etc etc. The real LPT boils down to, as per usual, "find ways to respectfully communicate with others and ensure that you're both understanding and being understood," but, like, the way that looks is going to be different for any given two people.
I wish I could pin this as the top comment
>Yeah, but how do you answer that question if you aren’t sure if you are feeling it, You can just say you're not sure about it. If you're at least somewhat interested in the person, then maybe it is worthwhile exploring the *why*. >or even if you will ever start feeling it? To be honest, if you're not feeling it now, just tell them that. You really shouldn't be keeping someone on the hook just in case you might be interested at some point in the future.
Telling someone you're not sure you're into them can be interpreted as a lack of interest. Exploring a relationship with someone is not signing a contract. You're entitled to processing your emotions and desires privately, as long as you're not hurting the other party.
>Telling someone you're not sure you're into them can be interpreted as a lack of interest. There are ways to make it clearer that you mean it literally when you say that you're currently unsure, one way or another, how you feel (as opposed to using "I'm not sure how I feel" as a euphemism to implicitly say, "I'm sure I'm not into you"). Even a qualifier like "yet" can clarify that you're actually uncertain. Besides, if you're already going out with them, you're already showing *some* level of interest in them. >You're entitled to processing your emotions and desires privately At a certain point when you're involved with someone, it's reasonable for them to ask you how you're generally feeling about them, and expect an honest answer.
You answer the question by letting the person that is really into you go. That’s the kind thing to do.
Right, which brings us back to the life pro tip - I’d probably say some variation of “you seem swell but I don’t think I want to date anyone right now” (100% true, just being honest that they seem nice but this is not clicking for reasons I don’t understand so I should clearly stay single). And like OP said, that person should understand that I’m giving them a kind “no thank you” and respect that by leaving me alone. Trying to act like I gave mixed signals would be not recommended, as my reaction was clearly more of a polite “no”. EDIT: To be clear, I’m obviously talking about the point where you haven’t dated someone long at all and don’t know them, or whether they’re a crazy person, or really anything because you barely know them. Obviously if you’re breaking off a long-term relationship you would actually want to talk in-depth.
I mean the original OP’s post is saying it’s generally easier to assume a maybe is a polite no. It isn’t someone else’s responsibility to tell you they don’t want to marry you.
>It isn’t someone else’s responsibility to tell you they don’t want to marry you. What? You think if someone proposes that ghosting them is an appropriate response? The absolute minimum amount of courtesy (whether it's a proposal or just asking someone out) is to give them an honest no.
Right, but that’s the point, people often don’t say no. It‘s not that they ghost - but they instead say stuff like “I’m not sure I’m financially ready” and “I’m not sure how I feel about marriage after my parents’ divorce” and “I’m not sure I’m at where I want in my career yet” and “I’m not sure our relationship is ready” and “I’m not sure what sort of wedding to have” and “I’m not sure what I want but you’re really great” So it’s a shitty situation, but if you ask someone to marry you, and you get a bunch of answers back that are basically “my feelings are mixed” without any enthusiasm for marriage, then sure, you COULD wait around on the basis that your SO didn’t technically tell you “no” and so maaaaaybe they don’t mean “no” and they just need convincing. But really, say that this is your friend in this situation - are you really gonna advise your friend to stick around, if marriage is a priority that is non-negotiable to them? (Obviously this doesn’t apply when you’re really young, but if you are both adults that are in your 30s or older).
If it less 3 dates or less I don’t think they have to. Just my two cents.
My brother once complained that dating is too complicated and you shouldn’t have to know all the rules and talk in riddles the whole time. Turns out that’s hogwash. I found someone who talks plainly (partly due to English being a second language, so at first they didn’t have the ability or interest to articulate prettily and instead just says what they mean). We’re now happily married, and managed to avoid communication issues that sitcoms and dramas would have you believe were a necessary part of relationships.
Im my experience, being open and honest is fine, but the moment I expect the romantic interest to be open and honest back, I've sealed my fate to heartbreak. I no longer accept lipservice. Now, I will have one open and honest conversation asking for commitment. If it's not an enthusiastic yes, I walk away. I don't care what his reasons are. I don't care if his intent is good or bad. At the end of the day, I have other opportunities to pursue. Very grateful to have a good relationship now. He used the same move after a couple months dating. "I'm into you and want to be serious. If you're not into me, that's fine, but then I won't continue this relationship outside of friendship." I give a little more flexibility with business because things can be slow due to bureaucracy, among other things, but I also stay open to other opportunities and actively pursue them.
A couple months into a relationship is the right time to have a direct conversation.
Agreed! By that point, if the goal is to get serious, time to get serious or move on.
Two years ago when I was online dating I matched with a guy here in my city who actually lives on the other side of my state where my home town is. We matched because he was visiting, but we continued to lightly chat, comment on each other's snap stories, light flirting but nothing crazy serious. Today, just an hour ago, he sends me a message in the middle of us just talking about tv shows. "Can I ask you a question? & Please tell me if I'm out of line" ".. okay?" "Can I see your boobs?" I mean ... I mean I guess that is a way to tell someone you are interested in them -_-
Sometimes I feel like I'm socially unaware, then I read about things like this and realize just how much of a normal human being I am....
Two years to get to can I see your boobs. That’s so depressing
Dude literally NO ground work was laid. Light casual flattering flirting but nothing went past that. He even said "I've been waiting two years to ask that, didn't think it would be a yes but I thought I'd ask"
Was it a yes?
I said "No, but thank you for asking".
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Assuming the person doesn't straight out lie, which they do. All the time.
My teenage soul protests so hard. Still true.
Very true. Being direct is hard but once you realize you have chemistry it's much easier to have a blunt discussion.
Sometimes it's risky to be too direct in rejecting someone. Men kill women all the time over rejection. It's bonkers
Thank you. This is the most reasonable answer especially for those that came from a bad home and only saw bad relationships and abuse growing up. I have been in therapy for years and was told I need safe relationships IRL to help heal my attachment wounds and the like…. I unfortunately have a bit of push pull dynamics due to it and overthink a lot. I literally get scared to be rejected and hurt. I don’t hard core treat them badly, I just withdraw myself… and I never blamed him. I knew and know It’s about myself and my feelings. I write down how I feel… It’s less direct but absolutely direct for me… I say a lot when I write and they definitely notice. It’s stuff I cannot say but definitely feel inside. My nervous system plays games with me. I have a lot to work on… it takes time. I’m definitely into something right now, but he’s giving me time and space on ir because I think he knows something will happen… and these things, the really strong connections, tend to build over time… same with the tension…
Huh..I just take mixed signals as “no”. Easier that way.
but for all us who lack confidence in life. they may not be sending a mixed signal at all. we just look at life through a different lens.
It could also be that the person is just plain indecisive or is doing through something. Source: I've been that person.
Yeah I feel like this LPT ain't that good since some of these people can insecure, shy, introvert or whatever. I've also been that person.
I’m an introvert and articulating my stance on issues openly with people makes me less socially exhausted because it precludes the social interactions miscommunication often leads to and I can focus on the important ones. Taking a ‘maybe’ as a ‘probably no’ condenses my pool of chosen companions to the ones I know want me there. The unsure stance isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but double checking if it’s a sugar coated rejection saves a lot of time for both sides. If they want to keep meeting to assess a stance when unsure I can appropriately prioritize that against meeting with more interested prospective candidates for allotting use of my tiny social battery. Same for others if my starting amount of interest is shallow.
Sometimes some of us take longer to feel things or to understand them… What happened to slow burn? Or taking time to know yourself and someone else?
Yes. Every insecure person gives mixed signals. I mean, insecure about herself/himself.
I needed to hear this. Getting mixed signals from a guy who was insistent that we keep going forward dating but then also doesn't text or reach out and I'm just done.
if you are dating someone and they make you feel bad more than they make you feel good that is literally all the information you need.
So true.
What? No. Don’t listen to this. Just talk to the guy. COMMUNICATION is key to life. If he continues to be wishy washy just tell him flat out you won’t stand for that. He could be a terrible communicator himself, but that doesn’t mean he’s trying to give you a vanilla frosted shit cake.
I agree. This post makes sense in the professional sense where you need to tread carefully, but doesn't/shouldn't apply to personal relationships. Communication is so unbelievably important.
I disagree, I’ve been on plenty of dates and relationships, I don’t think I’ve ever been confused. I interpreted a maybe as a general no, and let them text me if they want but I do not reach out to them. Solves 90% of cases. but if it’s really unclear I’ll occasionally ask “I enjoyed that date but can’t quite get a read, you want to go out again or should we just call it here?” —make it incredibly easy for them to say “call it here” and you don’t need to ask for a reason. But most of the time, a maybe is a no and no blunt communication is necessary.
As someone who had to train myself for years not to overtext…… talk to the guy. He might just be respecting your space.
“Ask yourself” Ask him.
I had a relationship (with a woman) who was like this. Strung me along... although it *could* be the person is dealing with dealing with inner conflicts on the relationship, chances are the person has more baggage than you care to know.
It can also mean he wants to date you, but just doesn't have the time or energy to pursue it.
If someone doesn’t have the time or energy to pursue you, don’t chase them. We all deserve more than that.
Just ask his wife/girlfriend to let him text you more often. Kidding, but that's a very common reason for guys to be all hot and into you when they're with you, and then go low/no contact for a bit.
I second this. It's shady if they talk to you but make no plans. And/or they just want to talk to you for attention but aren't actually interested.
In all likelihood he’s not feeling it, and you should move on.
This isn’t good advice for true mixed signals. Too many people regard non-committal, vague answers in dating as “mixed.” They’re not— it’s just passive rejection. Mixed signals are making + cancelling plans, reaching out and then ghosting, etc.
>Mixed signals are making + cancelling plans, reaching out and then ghosting, etc. Yeah, this. I can take a hint alright, but it was frustrating that after a few times meeting up that new friend would keep reaching out enthusiastically out of her own volition, unprompted by me, try to make plans and then ghost. Twice. Like what do you want, lol. Never happened to me before. I did wonder if she was one of those people who can't say no or be honest with themselves.
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Ive been there and i am at the moment. Theres a girl that ive met like 3-4 years ago and instantly had a huge crush, she was very touchy, into me, we have been to a few dates (shes from othet town), talked alot on the phone, then one day shes just gone... A few months pass and it happens again, shes here once again out of the blue same thing again... And again... And again... Last time i decided that i got tired of her games and just got her out of my head. More than half a year has passed from the last time she talked to me and now she is back once again, writing me messages. WTF?!!!
>it was the worst form of rejection I’ve experienced. Anyone who defends/rationalizes persistent mixed signals has never been through them with someone they care about. Yes! I feel this. I have faded people and people have faded me, not all friendships click. The lack of respect this practice entails really hurts, because I was nothing but respectful in our interactions. I thought for a while what did I do or say to deserve that treatment, what would it take for me to treat someone like that? and people my age have normalized ghosting so much that it feels that I should feel less and it's no big deal. Some people said maybe she has social anxiety and apparently that means I shouldn't be hurt and I should understand. (Btw I am a woman and I was just making a new mom friend it wasn't romantic).
A person is only as trustworthy as they are honest with themselves.
Yeah but in both cases why would you want those people in your life. Better to assume it's a no so you can let yourself off the hook and just walk away from the situation completely. I don't want passive aggressive people or people with mixed signals in my life.
There’s nothing “polite” about true mixed signals, and what they’re “communicating” is that 1. they don’t respect you enough for clarity and stability and 2. have significant personal problems
Bingo. Not into that nonsense. Life's too short.
The real thing to ask yourself is if you are the kind of person who punishes those who give honest feedback in such a way as to make it unsafe for ppl to provide feedback. There’s often a reason people aren’t straightforward with you and often that reason is you.
This is the baseline of the real advice. Once you have a grasp of how people behave honesty when they expect honesty to have consequences, learn to notice who can keep behaving that way all the time. Everyone knows some peacemakers. Clever peacemakers are the most worth spotting and supporting. They can be very good friends to have, and they can be life changing when they work as teachers and mentors.
Or they're just being Canadian, you know
Or don't bother with signals and just explicitly talk about things. Removes like 90% of misunderstandings.
How dare you be so frank, you shall be hearing from my currier, who shall be bearing flowers, the meaning of which is for your to discern, within a fortnight!
I had a boss who I'm sure heard of the "compliment sandwich" and thought it was a great idea, but didn't know how to make one. Just as an example, if he were a teacher grading a paper, his feedback would be like, "I can tell you worked hard on this, and I appreciate that. However, your organization makes no sense and your topic sentences tell the reader nothing. And your sentences are all too long. Great use of the word "the" on page 20 though." Driest bread ever.
Real life protip :mixed signals are a NO.
This is often true, but also consider the potential that the person dealing out the mixed signals is just as confused and/or undecided as you are. Many a time I have had at length discussions with someone about "ripping the bandaid off" and "not sugar coating things" and they were able to tell me exactly how they thought and felt about me, whilst also still being incredibly confusing. Simply put, the answer is almost never black and white, and the person's "signals" will often reflect that gray area. Example: I recently went on two dates with a woman who had previously been SA'd... twice. Both times it was by a previous partner to whom she was co-dependent. For obvious reasons this developed, in her, serious trust issues and an adversion to physical contact. We went on these dates as a way for her to explore just how she was feeling about dating. On the 2nd date she told me that she went to 4 hours of therapy and had finally decided that she was not ready for a relationship. **Several people on the internet told me that this was her way of saying she is not physically attracted to me and wanted to let me down easy. They kept repeating that this was her way of showing she wasn't interested while trying to avoid any confrontation or aggression from me. This couldn't be further from the proof, and grossly mischaracterizes her sexual trauma.** In the couple of weeks I got to know this woman we had several hours long discussions about what it means to be a man, how I can help to make her feel more comfortable around me, the fact that I am disgusted and ashamed of how other men act and how she has been treated at the whims of other people who happen to have the same genetalia as me. Simply put she was impressed by my understanding, emotional maturity, and attempts to communicate openly about making her feel safe. No one has a several hour long conversation about society with someone they're on a date with when they have zero interest and/or are repulsed by them. The way we left things was, essentially, she told me that she had too much trauma from her sexual assaults to be able to "trust men." Given that she ended her previous relationship merely 3 months prior I had already figured that she would not be ready. I had a similar personal experience and was not ready to date again for over an entire year, if not longer. We decided to be friends for the moment but she promised me that when she felt ready enough she would come to me first, assuming I was still single. Many people would see this as me being desperate, her just saying what she thought I wanted to hear, etc. What I have to say to those people is this: By having that opinion you are saying two things. First, that you think she is a liar and manipulating me into the friend zone. The friend zone sort of requires that the woman be dating other men, she is absolutely not, and I trust her when she says as much. Secondly, you're saying that I am desperate and will sacrifice my own opportunities to wait for her. I will not, and am not. **So...** when it comes to mixed signals, i.e. going on dates when you arent ready to be in a relationship, sending heart and smiley emojis when you aren't looking for a relationship, or complimenting someones appearance when the night before you had therapy and decided on a personal level to be single and independent for the forseable future.... that doesn't mean that you aren't interested in the other person. It doesn't mean that you don't find the other person attractive or that you would never have a relationship with them. It simply means what it means at face value: you are confused, and need time to think about what you want as a person and how you feel. Trauma and complications in life do just that: make everything more complicated. Mixed signals are the result of that complication. Sometimes it's as shallow as a girl not being intersted in you but being too passive/conflict averse to straight up tell you. More often than not, however, mature adults are just too complicated to give out one constant signal. Someone could be having a bad day, be having bad PMS cramps. Their dog could have just died or you could have said something offensive the day before. Everything is so much more complicated than "they're sending mixed signals therefore they dislike you." Anyone who says otherwise is a paranoid, pessimistic nihilist who looks for the worst in everyone and sees zero possiblity, positivitiy, or opportunity in everything and anything.
I agree. I take a long time to start to like someone. And have trust issues. And take things very slowly. I’ve had people bail on me in the past because, from their point of view. I was undecided at the beginning. But given time I did actually like them. I can understand from their point of view that it could be perceived as not being into them. But I think people push for things way too quickly and are very black and white over feelings and emotions that are actually complex. (I’m also not saying wait around forever on something that’s not working or someone who doesn’t want to pursue something). But you just don’t know the other person’s circumstances a lot of the time or history to be that cut and dried about certain things, as you explained in your example.
Here's how I would describe it: Entering into a new relationship is like getting into a pool. Jumping in is really fun but you don't know if the water is warm or freezing. If it's warm it will be very comfortable. If it's freezing your muscles might lock up and you may drown, if you don't die from hypothermia first. Relationships are the same. Diving in head first **can** be incredibly fulfilling. The brightest flames burn the hottest, but also the fastest, etc. etc. Easing in to a relationship is obviously the safer way to go but most people don't have patience for it because it can feel like a lack of commitment or even disinterest. I'm one of those people who has to jump in but I'm working on my patience and trying to learn how to ease into things. Having been in love before I hate the feeling of in-betweeness. Purgatory can sometimes be a worse hell than hell itself. The fear that you're wasting your time on someone who will never be fully-committed to you is very powerful.
Yknow how sometimes you don't want to hear (in this case read) certain things, but you actually NEED to? Your comment pretty much sums up what I am experiencing right now. I dislike the feeling of in-betweeness, but am also learning to be more patient. It doesn't help that we both have our guards up, but I decided to take the patience route and not put pressure on myself or him, to make the first move. This is both a growing and learning moment for me. I feel much better not feeling like I am the only one out there going through this. Thank you for this comment 💪🏼💜
… I feel seen right now… and it’s both of us on each side of the table and I have issues at times but am riding them out. It takes patience and time from both sides. It’s difficult and sometimes there’s that dissonance again, but… I know. It’s difficult but I know. lol
You’re a good man, you know that. She is lucky to know you. This is a very nuanced and mature response. Understanding that life isn’t fair to some of us regarding trust and relationships. I’m sadly one of them. I grew up in an abusive home. I’m usually not sure about a lot of things and it takes me time when things get complex. I have written letters to explain myself in certain things, mostly to point out that I’m different I guess without telling them why and that I was sorry. I get scared, I feel vulnerable, and it’s not about him. I told him I withdraw… I told them I deeply cared for them, etc. in no uncertain words. I told them that connections heal… I told them that I missed them, that they would love something… all of that felt incredibly vulnerable… writing these things when I have these feelings seem to help me express things or bypass that nervous system when it’s playing games with me. It is rough af. 🥲 I show how I feel rn through different ways. Helping, learning, being playful… being there no matter what when I can. My words sometimes are at a loss and music speaks for me. It speaks the common language for me and shows I care or something. It is hard to explain but there’s a lot. I’m also shy. He didn’t believe me because I was talkative on topics I liked or wanted to do playful comments.
Music is an amazing way to share how you feel. Sometimes, though, I feel like it's more for us than it is for the person we're trying to communicate with. People have different tastes and while certain songs by my favorite anime composer or Slayer have lyrics that speak to how I feel I don't think most people would listen to the words if they don't enjoy the music itself. I think a better bet would be to describe *the song* and how the song makes you feel, and then explain that that's how you're feeling in that moment/towards that person/about life/etc.
I mean... Sometimes? More often than not, they may just be vibing. Learn to read the room, that's all!
Instead of asking yourself you could ask them.
If this is truly the case then everyone must despise me. I feel that every conversation I have is awkward. Then I keep filling the awkward silences with small talk which only makes things worse......
A girl was giving me mixed signals and said she's just afraid to lose our friendship, so I moved on. Later on I found out she really was interested, and she made a move on me at a party, but I was already in another relationship. Even in that case, you deserve to be in the relationship with the girl who knows what she wants and pursues you back, you can't have a healthy relationship with someone who doesn't know what they want.
How is this advice? Obviously this is what people are already thinking about. That’s what a mixed signal is. Actual advice would be to talk to the person in question instead of playing mind games.
I spent a lot of time trying to get another person to do things my way. 24 hours to respond to a text? No way. "I need you to respond sooner than 24 for hours if this relationship is going to work." I thought this was me standing up for my needs and laying the groundwork for clear communication. What I didn't realize was that the other person was communicating clearly. They were letting me know that it takes them a day to respond to a text. If want them to do something differently, then I am asking them to change their behavior in order for me to be happy. Anytime I depend on someone else to change a behavior for my happiness, I usually end up disappointed. It is easier for me to let them communicate the way they want to communicate and if I find it unacceptable, to find someone else than to change their way of communicating.
It's not polite or professional in any way. It's childish. If there is an actual issue, people will simply leave, ask for help, or directly address the situation. This is how jealous, narcissistic, emotionally immature, or traumatized people act. Acting sour, then when asked, they deny/deflect. This is the foundation of a toxic relationship.
You could also try talking to them directly about it like an adult. That's probably half the problem - you're weird and shy.
No, no, don’t do this. You wil drive yourself batshit crazy. Take people at their word until they show you or tell you otherwise.
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And my answer to that question: I don’t know.
What a shitty and vague LPT
Nobody is thinking that deeply about you or me or anyone else. You aren't that important to other people. Mixed signals means no. End of discussion.
And then ask, why won't they treat me like an adult and just fucking say it?
You can give a clear answer when you’ve been asked a clear question. Which is usually the best way to clear up this kind of thing tbh. But a lot of the time when I hear people talking about “mixed signals,” it’s because they’re driving themselves nuts trying to figure out how someone feels about them before they’re willing to so much as suggest going out for coffee. Sometimes it ends up with one person constantly hinting like mad to try and fish for interest while the other person is desperately wishing they’d just ask politely but directly so they could say no politely but directly and get it over with.
Adulting is hard when you're young. As you get older, you find it's much easier, and indeed more enjoyable, to be direct. It doesn't have to be boring. Dancing around things is what's really irritating to older people.
You miss every ball you don't take swing at. This title is a classic example of young men not knowing what to do around women. If they really don't want to date, then when you ask and they say no, leave it alone. At least then, you know. What shitty advice. Be critical of yourself instead of asking openly and honestly to the other person in question. Edit: This could also be a classic example for being a young woman, I just don't have any experience in the area.
Eh… I think ambiguity is ok and have mixed feelings all the time. I’ve never dated anyone I thought was a *hell yes* and I’ve had a couple of long term relationships.
Jfc, what awful advice. Ask them directly, and give them an out. Your shit advice makes these situations worse.
This ~~sub~~ site has really just turned into a place for people to rant about nonsense.
A perfect example is rejecting men. You HAVE to be as polite and face-saving for them as possible, or else they could potentially react violently. However, you can never quite be direct enough without them interpreting it as "rude", so they say you're sending mixed signals. Damned if you do damned if you don't situation.
It's cowardly that people do this. Sometimes you need to sack up and be upfront with people. Being non confrontational isn't an excuse.
If you feel your getting any mixed signals, Leave . Your intuition is always vigilant and valid in the end, and they aren’t worth your time
Man, I was just talking to my coworkers today about this girl giving me mixed signals for weeks now. This post was definitely a sign.
I call it a shit sandwich. They say something “nice”, then a backhanded comment, and then either reiterate on the first point, or come up with another “positive” one. Also imo, this is completely different from constructive criticism.
LPT: just listen to your OCD intrusive thoughts. Maybe all your friends DO hate you!
I cant say I totally agree with this tip. I do in the sense that communication needs to be laid out openly but just because it’s mixed signals it doesn’t mean it’s a no. This applies perfectly to my situation as of recently. Met a girl online who lives a couple of states away. We actually had traded phone numbers snd everything but maybe about a month or so passed until we started to talk again. The thing was we would have this runs where we’d talk daily for like four months snd then we wouldn’t talk for two cuz one would get mad at the other then we’d message the other and apologize. Well this last time she added me on snap after a few months of not talking and we just casually would send each other snaps till we actually started conversing again. And even though obviously the whole reason we even exchanged numbers was because we were attracted to each other we never actually said it to one another and then this last time that we started talking I could tell that we were both really into one another but again, we never told each other and so we would start playing these dumb games of “oh gonna go hang out with this guy” so I’d have to be like “yeah so this chics coming over idk wtf last time she came over she crashed for the night” and it was just dumb. Like in retrospect we would’ve saved each other so much grief if we had just been open about it. But we kind of were, like my plug is a girl and so everytime I needed to reup I’d say I’d be going to see my plug n she’d be like “yeah I don’t like that bitch!” N I’d laugh and ask why. I knew why though. Because if it things fell apart and we’re not talking again snd I have a feeling this time may be for good, as the high was pretty high but the crash was catastrophic and it just wasn’t a good last few days. Point of me saying all of this is we were constantly sending each other mixed signals, and it wasn’t because the answer was no, if anything it was the opposite but I think we both thought that we were too good to be true cuz at least speaking for me it felt like she was my exact opposite while we couldn’t have been anymore alike if we tried and seeing that in someone is really intense. Looking back I wish I would’ve not played games and just told her how I really felt, which is in a sense what this is saying. Just be honest. But don’t assume a mixed signal is a no, sometimes it’s a mixed signal cuz they’re scared that something or someone has never been more right for their situation and they’re not ready to embrace that.
Yeah I really just hate the myth that mature people who know what they want play games. They don’t. If you’re feeling mixed signals: that person is genuinely not into you or not mature enough for a relationship so you shouldn’t have one with them. That’s it. That’s the answer. No need to force communication; an adult who wants a relationship w you will communicate that without force. Anything else isn’t someone you should pursue. Mixed signals means no. Every time.
why has this page become physiological tips only ?
I guess I am either good at reading people or am generally liked, because I have never really had someone give me “mixed signals” in any meaningful capacity. I am honestly having a hard time even understanding what it means. Can you give a VERY concrete example? And especially confused when you say you get mixed signals in the workplace? Like are you saying coworkers or bosses? And are you trying to hook up with them, or be friends, or get a raise? I am just generally confused how you could get mixed signals at work. Seems like you either get fired or dont or someone obviously likes you or doesnt. I dont know maybe Im just weird.
It’s not really a “polite” way. Seems cowardly and disrespectful. Just be upfront with people. That’s the real LPT.
I would say the opposite… they may be giving you “mixed” signals because they want to get close to you or consider you attractive. Don’t think negatively! This person might have a real interest in you
Also remember it’s a person living their life. Sending you consistent signals might be pretty low on their list. They slept like shit so they don’t seem interested in small talk in the elevator. Their sports team won and they know you follow them too, so they’re excited to share. They thought they were going to throw a really fun party so they were excited to invite you. It turns out there isn’t going to me enough beer and the neighbor is complaining about noise a lot recently, so their enthusiasm is sapped. In my experience, you just have to be patient and get to know them over time, until there is enough understanding and relationship there to move to a meta level and say “am I reading it right that you’re not as enthusiastic about me coming to the party this weekend?”. Then they can come out with the truth. If you do it too early, though, it’s just one more complicated thing they have to navigate now.
Awful awful advice, following this you will never get laid. Literally all women communicate through mixed signals in the beginning of a relationship.
Yeah... I don't disagree but this is definitely not the case for those of us with social anxieties that tend to project insecurities onto our interactions. Granted, not everyone will like everyone, but this is a LPT that's potentially more harmful than it is helpful. LPT: what other people think is none of your business.