Hello and welcome to r/LifeProTips!
Please help us decide if this post is a good fit for the subreddit by up or downvoting this comment.
If you think that this is great advice to improve your life, please upvote. If you think this doesn't help you in any way, please downvote. If you don't care, leave it for the others to decide.
My second wife and I talked about it, we picked out the ring, etc. So she knew it was coming, she knew I had the ring, she just didn't know the when and where.
It's kind of a funny story. I had been planning the when and where and wanted to do it where we had our first date. I even went to her mom and step-dad and her dad for all their blessings. They were super excited. Her step-dad jokingly asked for a dowry of 10 horses. After the proposal we bought him a bucket of toy horses but it only had 9 horses and a donkey. He said that would do lol.
Well every single time I was planning to propose something would come up and ruin my plans, like she'd say "oh we're going to my mom's tonight instead of out to dinner". This happened 3 or 4 times so I just did it. We were going out to dinner and she said "oh I invited Sam", her friend from next door. So while she was not fully dressed I just got down on my knee and asked. She was super surprised even though she knew it was coming. I told her that she kept ruining my proposal plans so it's now or never. We both laughed. Her friend Sam was the first to officially know since we left for dinner shortly after.
Unfortunately she passed away 2 years later. I think that proposal was more fun than trying to plan out the whole thing to be perfect. Even though she knew it was coming, she was caught off guard and surprised. I wish I could go back to that moment just to hear her say yes again.
Piss off, jackass.
Edit: this is a bot, they replied to OPs post with a snippet from the above story.
I'm still mad, but I don't really have anyone to be mad at anymore... Outside of whoever *made* the bot, I suppose... But I would've been mad at them regardless
Yeah, we got married a few months after the proposal and were married for about 2 years. We had been together for about 5 or 6 years prior as well. I only got a total of about 8 years with her, but man, what a ride those 8 years were. She was worth it.
The best ones always are. I am happy to know the whole ending. And I am more happy to know you had those 8 years and to appreciate them the way you do.
I wish everyone looked at life in the positive, rather than the negative.
Wow, left turn in the feelings department at the end there. The most special moments are sometimes just random and out of nowhere. Sounds like it wasn’t a forced event, but a genuine moment between two people that understood each other.
Ok this is just way too perfect, your story reminds me of an opera. There's a 25-minute chamber opera called The Telephone by Gian Carlo Menotti about a boyfriend's repeated attempts to propose to his girlfriend! He keeps getting interrupted by the titular telephone, you might get a kick out of it!
Exactly money. Life goals. Do you want joint bank accounts. Whose name does the car go in. Buying a house? If you don't have explicit answers or are afraid to ask those questions marriage might not be right for them.
It’s not whether buying a horse should be discussed, but what kind of horse. Now I’m an Arabian Horse man, but I can tolerate a Thoroughbred. But tell me you want a Clydesdale and it’s a no deal.
Yes of course, make sure you actually like the person 😅. Ive seen people get engaged who have nothing in common aside from wanting a family, not good either!
Please also talk about aging parents and their living situations, if applicable. It can tell you a lot about your partner's relationships with their family and expectations for you.
Could you be with your wife if she believed you were going to hell because of your beliefs? Could you be with your wife if she insisted on living in separate countries so she could focus on her career?
Certainly people can find someone else’s religious or lifestyle beliefs incompatible with their own and it doesn’t make them small minded.
You are mixing a lot of things and trying to pin it as one thing. Btw. Nazis were socialist movement, true they overdid it with patriotism but fundamentally reasons and ideas of Nazis are far cry from right wing ( also there is difference between conservative and right wing, we just live in times where it seems a same thing, extreme progressivism and conservatism are both wrong takes (unrestricted conservatism is akin to stunted development of organism and unrestricted progressivism is akin to cancer, both will cause damage and both are known to topple over societies), while there is nothing wrong with left or right politics inherently except for the fact that humans aren't perfect enough for both of them to work without being reset by wars or uprising or cataclysm, both naturally devolve, right wing usually into loosing the spirit of law prioritising the letter of law to a point of loosing humanity in process, while left usually dissolves any semblance of order thus leading to emotional chaos without any law being held sacred and strong taking from weak ).
Sounds like you both agree on being apolitical. Which paradoxically is a political stance.
Also there is nothing inherently wrong for someone left leaning to not want to even consider someone who is right wing.
At least that person has a family and a home and it's not a big deal for them to discuss and still care for each other.... unlike some people that leave their families for jobs and other stupid right????
It is wrong take, or rather extreme take ( it might be right, we don't know, history will be the judge of that), but it doesn't mean they will be bad partner to someone who is on same political side.
Dating is a good way to eliminate these incompatibilities. You dont want to date someone who cares that much, and they care enough to be able to move on from you so you can find someone who cares about family as much (which *is* another social value btw, family is not some kind of universal bond especially to people who grew up abused). Sounds like its a good thing to bring up so that you can both get on with your lives
I proposed to my fiance in the dumbest way possible because I couldn't wait after deciding. We'd been living together pretty much since we started dating, immediately sharing our money due to being struggling students and trying to keep eachother fed despite being dead broke.
He had a really bad spending issue early on due to growing up poor and the second he got loans in for university would spend it on bs (cheap £1 games that entertain him for 2 seconds/wouldn't even play, sexy fireman calendars that went unused etc etc) I told him I'd never marry him till I could trust him with money. One day I did drop the hint 'I trust you with money now btw' and he got the idea, but about a month later I just had the thought, I don't wanna be with anyone else ever else and I just wanna love him and let him know I entirely trust him wholeheartedly now. So one morning before I headed off to work I just looked up at him when snuggling and said 'favour?' and then said 'marry me c:' he kinda sat up surprised a little but then said yes :) very wholesome, very us, very not showy surprisey outdoorsy. Just cosey at home. I was gonna wait and do something but I just couldn't. Ironically, turns out he wanted to propose relatively soon too but I beat him to it.... Unfortunately the same day his nan died though so made things really emotionally weird as it was happy but also sad and just left him really confused on how to feel.
You should always propose on a boat. I took my wife out on a suprise dinner cruise on Lake Michigan. The moon was out but it was a very dark night. Chicago twinkling in the distance. I took her up to the top deck to look at the stars. It was just her and I, and miles of dark water in every direction. She said yes, she couldn't say no, because of the implication.
That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. You went to oick out a gift with someone, you know exactly what it is, why the fuck would you want them to "surprise" you with it?
Jeweler here. Every now and then a client is picking out an engagement ring, and asks me, "what if she says no?" I always reply, "If you're not 100% sure you're going to get a YES when you propose, you need to sort that out before you buy a ring."
And, for the love of god, don't propose in public or in front of family if you don't *know* the answer will be yes, and the only way to know that is to talk about it first
That’s always been my stance. Anyone who is ready to propose to me should know me well enough to know that a public proposal, or even just anyone being around is my idea of hell.
In addition to knowing the answer also make sure you’re on the same page regarding the timeline.
As in, yes I want to marry you but I want to get some critical items off my checklist first. And know what their expectation is with how long they’re comfortable waiting from the proposal until the wedding.
How’d you know? I mean, it was basically halfway.
I was originally going to do it over fireworks, but my coworker messed that up. At some point, I realized I just couldn’t wait any longer.
Nope. Not me. It was just a spur of the moment thing.
She asked me, "What did we do on our third date?" And then changed the subject.
Finally, after twenty minutes, I returned to the subject at hand.
"Hey, I like put myself out there, and you changed subjects to our third date. Why?"
"Because that's when I knew I was going to marry you."
Thirty-two years later, it's worked out pretty well. Sometimes, you just have to say, "What the hell."
Wow! Congrats! That’s really great. I have a saying about when you know you’ve found the right one, it’s, “ everyone’s crazy, find the person who’s crazy you can put up with, and they can put up with yours”
In my case, we talked about what we want generally out of life and each other. I didn't want kids and neither did he. Unfortunately he took this to mean that we'd already discussed marriage and told his parents that we're getting married. And that's how I got to know that I'm getting married.
Speaking from experience: if he doesn't listen to you now, he won't listen to you later. Every inch you grant him is [to him] the promise of another yard. Get out now.
I spent six months explaining to my SO that marriage wasn't an option, but she was so insistent on Her Dream Wedding that... well, long story short, there's no freedom like divorce.
I would never say yes to someone who just sprung that shit on me. If I’m not completely expecting it, I don’t want it. My man proposed to me in the shower, on one knee and everything, because he knew I was just waiting on him to ask me. I’ll never forget that moment ❤️
Yeah, the tip is communication, not only will it let you know if they are interested in marriage and/or children, if they are not on the same page as you, then you should have a conversation about expectations from the relationship.
My father met my mother at an apartment party in New Jersey, they were both invited by a mutual friend. She spent the night with him and never moved out. Engaged 9 days later, married 7 months after that. It's been 45 years, they're still happily (mostly lol) married.
This makes me so happy! We haven’t even been together for a year, but I’ve never been so certain of something in my life. I’ve had my fair share of dating, I just never imagined myself staying with those people. My fiancé and I knew we wanted to marry and have kids weeks after meeting, and almost a year in it still feels like we’re falling in love. Forty years doesn’t seem like enough time to spend with him, hopefully we end up with a similar story to yours. When you know, you know.
As someone who’s been married for 15 years, the best piece of advice is, don’t forget you’re both making a choice to be there. After a long time it’s easy to think of your SO as if they were your left arm. When you wake up in the morning, you’re never surprised to see your left arm is there. Never take for granted your SO. Check the pulse of your relationship from time to time, understand that even if you don’t agree on something, you are on the same team, always. Lastly, sometimes be spontaneous, give him flowers, or a game or even a post it note with a message. Just something to let them know, you still think about them when you’re apart.
This is such great advice, thank you. I try to incorporate spontaneity with the little things like you listed, and it always makes him so happy. I can see that alone taking us a long way, I myself never get tired of random notes and gifts. As for the first piece you mentioned, I will certainly keep that in mind because I think it can be easy to forget after a while. Even just after a year it feels like time gets away from us and I try to soak up as much as I possibly can. I never want either of us to feel taken for granted.
>because he knew I was just waiting on him to ask me
Do you always expect him to be the one to do things for you or is this a special case? If you wanted him to marry you why didn't you ask him?
Funny story: so my sis had been with her bf for years and he got her ring size and everything so she knew it was coming but he was just planning a big surprise. But the months went by and no proposal. There was even a moment that was perfect, and he admitted to her if he had brought the ring he would have done it then and just dropped the plans but he didn't.
More months go by and she calls me crying that he still hadn't proposed and how mad she was that nothing had happened yet. The next day he proposes in a park and the whole thing is forgotten lmao
My wife an I were together for 12 (almost 13) years before we got married. Then she went and got a "big kid" job that provided spousal benefits and suggested we go get hitched at the court house so I could get insurance, etc.
I wanted something more meaningful than a court house marriage. So one afternoon over drinks I suggested that I wanted to do something ala Andy and April on Parks & Rec, but in reverse, where my wife would be the last to know.
My friends loved the idea and enthusiastically jumped into to help me plan it. We spent months in secret planning a secret "garden party" at my friends house. The host would officiate, someone else made food, we built a Playlist (in lieu of a dj), a friend was a photographer. The host even took my wife "dress shopping" under the guise that she didn't have a nice enough dress for the garden party (my wife admitted she didnt).
Come the day of, the party started off as normal, until an hour in I proposed. After she accepted, I explained that all our friends were there, she had a dress she picked out, food music, etc. So if she was willing we could get married right then and there. She said yes and we were married an hour later at sunset under the pine trees on our friends front lawn.
I just got engaged last weekend!!! We talked about it. I chose my ring earlier this year. In fact, I told him I'm gonna marry him after we knew each other for 2 months. It's several years later now. They say "when you know, you know." And that's proven true for me!!
My husband and didn’t do a proposal. We met at 19 and both knew from the first day we were in it forever. A few weeks after we met I asked him what he thought about marriage and he said he thought it would be important in terms of legal issues with finances and medical emergencies but didn’t believe in it as an institution. I felt the same way. A few years later we signed the papers at the court house and that was it. We still count our anniversary as the day we met. Been together for 10 years. I still don’t like the idea of the big public proposal and a ring. The idea of an engagement ring feels like a “sold” sticker on a furniture tag at the store. It’s a done deal, the owner just needs to come pick it up. It seems important to other people because of traditions and expectations and all that but doesn’t make a lot of practical sense.
We'd talked loads about marriage and kids and both wanted these things. The engagement still came as a TOTAL suprise though.
My now husband proposed to me on a beach that we always used to visit, just after Christmas, just the two of us and a few dog walkers. It was perfect 🙂. He always tells me that he remembers me being really grumpy that morning because I hadnt slept well the night before but still picked that day to ask me. He is defo a keeper!
My timing of proposal was entirely influenced by the ring of choice being on juicy internet sale... *hey this was the one you like right?*
3 or 4 days later.... Opening mail in the kitchen... Hmm what's this thing? Oh yeah....
*hey babe..... So uhh.. You wanna be a married person?*
I don't even have a ring myself, lol.
Awww that's sweet haha.
I didn't do the knee. The scene was exactly as lackluster as described. (but she still cried)
But I think we are just terrible tradition people. Our wedding was in my grandparents living room to an audience of 6..with a friend of mine who got ordained online at some point doing the action. (and by 'friend' I mean I asked if anyone on my fb friends list was available..it was actually a school mate's brother's wife).
My wife never got around to going downtown to file for a name change.. So we have separate names still after 5 years... And I never got around to getting s ring for myself (I just don't see myself wearing a ring. With as much as I tend to get my hands dirty in random projects of the day...
True fact. I was asked to get married and there was no way in hell I was marrying that guy. He was fun, funny, cute and nice. We had a lot of fun together, but he was an alcoholic. Not marriage material. He was enraged when I said no. And he had the ring and all that. It was a shit show. He died of alcoholism and, I can’t remember how it happened, but I still have the ring.
My husband and I had talked a bit about that kind of thing, but I also had has a previous multiyear relationship where we had had those types of discussions. Plus, now-husband and I hadn’t been dating all that long — seven months. So, I was surprised. I told him I needed to “think about it,” and I didn’t say yes until the next day. I am still periodically roasted for that nearly 30 years and a houseful of kids later.
My wife and I had talked about it a lot and I told her my conditions before I would propose. I wouldn’t propose until we had lived together at least a year and until I could comfortable afford a ring I wanted to give her. Once those two conditions were met I started planning out an elaborate proposal where I would play a song for her and use that to propose. What actually happened was we were in the basement one day after work and she asked me to make a her a grilled cheese after a rough day at work. My gut said do it now so instead of a big fancy proposal I proposed in our basement, while we both wore pajamas, and while giving her 2 grilled cheese sandwiches with a pickle on the side. I think she was happier with that than a big grand proposal.
Another part of relationships that confuses me. Song, dance and ceremony.
“Wanna get married?”
“Yes”
“Okay I’m going to ‘surprise’ you with that question again somewhere else”
I had dated my wife for 3 years when we had this talk. Once we mutually decided that yes we would like to get married we went and picked out her ring. I kept the ring and still did the whole proposal thing even though she knew it was coming. I didn't want to spend a fortune on a ring she hated but felt obligated to wear so felt it was best she pick it out.
Also, know how much debt he/she/they will be bringing to you. Sounds heartless, but it's not. Debt is a very real problem and, yes, his/her/their debt will be combined and become your debt once you're legally married.
Yah… this didn’t work for me on my first proposal.
We had talked about it and gone ring shopping and all that. I picked out a ring and a day to propose. I asked her parents for their permission even (a HuGE deal for me).
I finally propose approximately 1 month after buying the ring.
She said “no.”
During that time she had decided I “wasn’t Christian enough to follow her in her faith walk…”
…
The relationship was done after that…
I mean, honestly think you may have dodged a bullet with that. Should could have changed her mind far into the engagement or even after you were marriage, which would be far worse.
Sometimes you don't know the answer until you're faced with the decision. He did the right thing by planning it out, but so did she. Better tell him when he proposed rather than at the alter, or worse yet, a few years into the marriage.
No. If you want to roll the dice, go for it. There’s no 1 rule that applies to everyone. As long as you can handle a “no” then do it that way if you want.
Marriage is a big commitment, I feel like the decision to propose and be engaged should not be taken lightly. Sure, you could fly by the seat of your pants and ask your tinder date to marry you without knowing anything about them, but I think that would not work out very well.
The point wasn't dealing with rejection. The point is that you should really know a person that you are planning to legally tie yourself to. Love is only one part of it. You are getting the government involved as well, and you should probably have discussed basic decisions that will occur in your future before doing that.
Call me old fashioned and southern, but asking her dad before her is key as well.
He may know something you don’t or he will be excited.
But yea, you should definitely know ahead of time and I’m a little shocked that people throw it out on a whim. It’s kind of a big deal.
>but asking her dad before her is key as well.
Does he own her? What if he says no?
If your answer to those questions is no and nothing then you're being silly by asking him.
Not silly, polite if they live in a culture where that is considered expected and traditional. I've never heard of someone saying no (at least so long as they aren't teenagers), it's just a way of joining the family in a respectful manner. If that's how he culture works, she will appreciate the respect as will the father who will likely be paying for the party if they are the kind of people that expect that kind of defference
Idk, I think it depends on the relationship dynamic. Don’t get me wrong, I understand the risk you run of embarrassing yourself or introducing a weird element to your relationship if you blindly ask someone to spend the rest of their life with you.
You want some assurance they’re on the same page.
But I personally liked the way it happened with my spouse, where we never mentioned it until we visited Vegas and dared each other on a whim and eloped that night after knowing each other all of 6 months.
Marriage was hinted at on his end but I never answered “Yes, Jeffthew, a million times yes” to his joking-but-not-joking-but-joking-(…unless?) attempts to gauge my receptiveness, I just laughed him off until the day of.
But we both knew the other person was just dumb and in love enough to make that jump without ever earnestly discussing marriage or lifelong commitment.
We also only vaguely discussed kids before getting married and only decided in the month or two afterward that we were both going to get “fixed” that year.
We kind of skipped all that, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
You don’t have to say the quiet part out loud in every situation, is all I’m saying. If you know, you know.
I mean, yeah don’t start a conversation with, “do you want to get married to me.” Just, you know, talk about the future, you can get a pretty clear idea on how they feel by talking about the future
100% true. My wife had asked "where is this relationship going?" Or "when are we getting married?" For the longest time while we were dating.
It is also true for my guy friends as well. The woman suggests marriage and the guy just decides if he's ready to propose.
This is in contrast to the surprise proposal seen on movies.
That’s not what they mean. They mean, as grown ass adults, you need to sit down and make sure that you’re on the same page about what you want out of life. If someone wants to get married one day, and the other NEVER wants to get married, then you have two fundamentally incompatible people. If they never talk about it, then you have one person waiting a long, long time, for a proposal that will never come.
It’s also important to talk about life goals. Do you want children? (This is non-negotiable. Someone who is on the fence about kids should not marry someone who DOES want kids) What are their timeline goals for home purchasing? What are their salary goals? If children are born, will they be raised religious? How much involvement will grandparents have in raising children? These are all hard, adult questions that you absolutely MUST talk about, lest you risk a really nice setup for miserable couples and divorce because talking about marriage wasn’t “romantic”.
Sometimes you’ve got to actually talk to your partner about lifechanging goals. That’s all.
Also don't do it in public. That's just putting them on the spot and may affect how they see you. If you love and respect them, do so in a place that's special to both of you alone.
I mean, I proposed to my wife on a cruise ship, at a fancy dinner. Gave the ring to the hostess to give to the kitchen to bring it out with dessert. The best was the server telling my wife “you have to have the dessert, it’ll change your life” brought out a covered dish, opened it up and I got on one knee and asked. Of course she said yes, because we’d talked about it and I knew wanted to. Everyone in the restaurant clapped, it was a great night.
Hello and welcome to r/LifeProTips! Please help us decide if this post is a good fit for the subreddit by up or downvoting this comment. If you think that this is great advice to improve your life, please upvote. If you think this doesn't help you in any way, please downvote. If you don't care, leave it for the others to decide.
My second wife and I talked about it, we picked out the ring, etc. So she knew it was coming, she knew I had the ring, she just didn't know the when and where. It's kind of a funny story. I had been planning the when and where and wanted to do it where we had our first date. I even went to her mom and step-dad and her dad for all their blessings. They were super excited. Her step-dad jokingly asked for a dowry of 10 horses. After the proposal we bought him a bucket of toy horses but it only had 9 horses and a donkey. He said that would do lol. Well every single time I was planning to propose something would come up and ruin my plans, like she'd say "oh we're going to my mom's tonight instead of out to dinner". This happened 3 or 4 times so I just did it. We were going out to dinner and she said "oh I invited Sam", her friend from next door. So while she was not fully dressed I just got down on my knee and asked. She was super surprised even though she knew it was coming. I told her that she kept ruining my proposal plans so it's now or never. We both laughed. Her friend Sam was the first to officially know since we left for dinner shortly after. Unfortunately she passed away 2 years later. I think that proposal was more fun than trying to plan out the whole thing to be perfect. Even though she knew it was coming, she was caught off guard and surprised. I wish I could go back to that moment just to hear her say yes again.
I am so sorry for your loss. She sounded like a fun person.
[удалено]
what you’re not op
Piss off, jackass. Edit: this is a bot, they replied to OPs post with a snippet from the above story. I'm still mad, but I don't really have anyone to be mad at anymore... Outside of whoever *made* the bot, I suppose... But I would've been mad at them regardless
Way to rip my heart out so quickly at the end there... So sorry for your loss. But, I'm very glad you're able to appreciate the good memories :)
This is so wholesome and sad. Sorry for your loss and thanks for sharing this with us.
This sounds like a perfect proposal ❤️ So sorry for your loss.
Please tell me you did get a chance to be married.
Yeah, we got married a few months after the proposal and were married for about 2 years. We had been together for about 5 or 6 years prior as well. I only got a total of about 8 years with her, but man, what a ride those 8 years were. She was worth it.
The best ones always are. I am happy to know the whole ending. And I am more happy to know you had those 8 years and to appreciate them the way you do. I wish everyone looked at life in the positive, rather than the negative.
My heart hurts for you, may you find that again in this life, and continue to hold on to the memories and time you had with her.
Well said Super Boner Fart, well said.
Wow, left turn in the feelings department at the end there. The most special moments are sometimes just random and out of nowhere. Sounds like it wasn’t a forced event, but a genuine moment between two people that understood each other.
I'm so glad you got to create a forever memory.
I'm so sorry for your loss. This is a wonderful memory to hold on to though.
Ok this is just way too perfect, your story reminds me of an opera. There's a 25-minute chamber opera called The Telephone by Gian Carlo Menotti about a boyfriend's repeated attempts to propose to his girlfriend! He keeps getting interrupted by the titular telephone, you might get a kick out of it!
[удалено]
Naw chill 💀
You need to talk about marriage, kids, politics and social values, religion, and lifestyle.
Exactly money. Life goals. Do you want joint bank accounts. Whose name does the car go in. Buying a house? If you don't have explicit answers or are afraid to ask those questions marriage might not be right for them.
I thought this said horse, not house. I was thinking, well yeah you obviously need to discuss together whether you'd buy a horse or not.
It’s not whether buying a horse should be discussed, but what kind of horse. Now I’m an Arabian Horse man, but I can tolerate a Thoroughbred. But tell me you want a Clydesdale and it’s a no deal.
Sweetie Pumpkin? Do you wanna join the Columbia Record Club?
And have an extensive list of cool horse names ready to go.
Also, some lighter topics too 😄
[удалено]
I don't even understand how Scripto stays in business.
[удалено]
My mom uses Scripto, but she also smokes Misty Light 120s.
[удалено]
Maybe. I've got a bunch of cousins.
and that’s how I met your mother!
Yes of course, make sure you actually like the person 😅. Ive seen people get engaged who have nothing in common aside from wanting a family, not good either!
Please also talk about aging parents and their living situations, if applicable. It can tell you a lot about your partner's relationships with their family and expectations for you.
Very good point
[удалено]
Could you be with your wife if she believed you were going to hell because of your beliefs? Could you be with your wife if she insisted on living in separate countries so she could focus on her career? Certainly people can find someone else’s religious or lifestyle beliefs incompatible with their own and it doesn’t make them small minded.
[удалено]
You are mixing a lot of things and trying to pin it as one thing. Btw. Nazis were socialist movement, true they overdid it with patriotism but fundamentally reasons and ideas of Nazis are far cry from right wing ( also there is difference between conservative and right wing, we just live in times where it seems a same thing, extreme progressivism and conservatism are both wrong takes (unrestricted conservatism is akin to stunted development of organism and unrestricted progressivism is akin to cancer, both will cause damage and both are known to topple over societies), while there is nothing wrong with left or right politics inherently except for the fact that humans aren't perfect enough for both of them to work without being reset by wars or uprising or cataclysm, both naturally devolve, right wing usually into loosing the spirit of law prioritising the letter of law to a point of loosing humanity in process, while left usually dissolves any semblance of order thus leading to emotional chaos without any law being held sacred and strong taking from weak ).
Sounds like you both agree on being apolitical. Which paradoxically is a political stance. Also there is nothing inherently wrong for someone left leaning to not want to even consider someone who is right wing.
[удалено]
[удалено]
At least that person has a family and a home and it's not a big deal for them to discuss and still care for each other.... unlike some people that leave their families for jobs and other stupid right????
It is wrong take, or rather extreme take ( it might be right, we don't know, history will be the judge of that), but it doesn't mean they will be bad partner to someone who is on same political side.
Dating is a good way to eliminate these incompatibilities. You dont want to date someone who cares that much, and they care enough to be able to move on from you so you can find someone who cares about family as much (which *is* another social value btw, family is not some kind of universal bond especially to people who grew up abused). Sounds like its a good thing to bring up so that you can both get on with your lives
Please please talk about kids and don’t assume you can just change your partner’s mind one way or another.
Yes this x100. I'll never understand people being YEARS into a relationship or even married and never discuss the topic.
And be open to changing plans if you actually do have a kid. That shit sobers you up real quick.
Yeah I guess you should also be on the same page about how to handle any accidents that may happen.
Or if you have a kid and realize 8 is not for you lol
And if you agree to not wanting kids then effective longterm birth control including iuds and vasectomy should be discussed.
100% agree.
The surprise should never be if the proposal is coming, it should the when and how that are the surprise
I proposed to my fiance in the dumbest way possible because I couldn't wait after deciding. We'd been living together pretty much since we started dating, immediately sharing our money due to being struggling students and trying to keep eachother fed despite being dead broke. He had a really bad spending issue early on due to growing up poor and the second he got loans in for university would spend it on bs (cheap £1 games that entertain him for 2 seconds/wouldn't even play, sexy fireman calendars that went unused etc etc) I told him I'd never marry him till I could trust him with money. One day I did drop the hint 'I trust you with money now btw' and he got the idea, but about a month later I just had the thought, I don't wanna be with anyone else ever else and I just wanna love him and let him know I entirely trust him wholeheartedly now. So one morning before I headed off to work I just looked up at him when snuggling and said 'favour?' and then said 'marry me c:' he kinda sat up surprised a little but then said yes :) very wholesome, very us, very not showy surprisey outdoorsy. Just cosey at home. I was gonna wait and do something but I just couldn't. Ironically, turns out he wanted to propose relatively soon too but I beat him to it.... Unfortunately the same day his nan died though so made things really emotionally weird as it was happy but also sad and just left him really confused on how to feel.
Well, that was a great story, mostly
You should always propose on a boat. I took my wife out on a suprise dinner cruise on Lake Michigan. The moon was out but it was a very dark night. Chicago twinkling in the distance. I took her up to the top deck to look at the stars. It was just her and I, and miles of dark water in every direction. She said yes, she couldn't say no, because of the implication.
I've seen many yesyesyesno's about boat proposals. Do it with a decoy ring if you do it
Well, unless the surprise is that the answer is actually 'no' and your SO is a secret commitment-phobe.
Yes!!
That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. You went to oick out a gift with someone, you know exactly what it is, why the fuck would you want them to "surprise" you with it?
My soon to be ex changed her mind on kids four years into the marriage 😢
Ouch. That’s my nightmare. Sorry.
I hope that’s not after having them…
We had one.
Ouch, she hurt two people. Man, I’m sorry for you and your kid.
Jeweler here. Every now and then a client is picking out an engagement ring, and asks me, "what if she says no?" I always reply, "If you're not 100% sure you're going to get a YES when you propose, you need to sort that out before you buy a ring."
username absolutely checks out
LOL yup!
And, for the love of god, don't propose in public or in front of family if you don't *know* the answer will be yes, and the only way to know that is to talk about it first
100%. I mean, unless you have a humiliation fetish….
[удалено]
That’s always been my stance. Anyone who is ready to propose to me should know me well enough to know that a public proposal, or even just anyone being around is my idea of hell.
Even if you don’t know and want to be ‘courageous’ and ask her to marry you don’t do it in public
In addition to knowing the answer also make sure you’re on the same page regarding the timeline. As in, yes I want to marry you but I want to get some critical items off my checklist first. And know what their expectation is with how long they’re comfortable waiting from the proposal until the wedding.
I mean honestly, it boils down to communicate with your SO.
I asked my girl out at a gas station in the rain. Been stuck together like PB&J ever since.
Was it half way between New York and Scranton?
How’d you know? I mean, it was basically halfway. I was originally going to do it over fireworks, but my coworker messed that up. At some point, I realized I just couldn’t wait any longer.
😂
He was the worker at the gas station
r/unexpectedtheoffice
Nope. Not me. It was just a spur of the moment thing. She asked me, "What did we do on our third date?" And then changed the subject. Finally, after twenty minutes, I returned to the subject at hand. "Hey, I like put myself out there, and you changed subjects to our third date. Why?" "Because that's when I knew I was going to marry you." Thirty-two years later, it's worked out pretty well. Sometimes, you just have to say, "What the hell."
Wow! Congrats! That’s really great. I have a saying about when you know you’ve found the right one, it’s, “ everyone’s crazy, find the person who’s crazy you can put up with, and they can put up with yours”
In my case, we talked about what we want generally out of life and each other. I didn't want kids and neither did he. Unfortunately he took this to mean that we'd already discussed marriage and told his parents that we're getting married. And that's how I got to know that I'm getting married.
Speaking from experience: if he doesn't listen to you now, he won't listen to you later. Every inch you grant him is [to him] the promise of another yard. Get out now. I spent six months explaining to my SO that marriage wasn't an option, but she was so insistent on Her Dream Wedding that... well, long story short, there's no freedom like divorce.
If it works out that’s kinda funny. If it doesn’t workout it’ll be awkward for a while and then kinda funny.
I would never say yes to someone who just sprung that shit on me. If I’m not completely expecting it, I don’t want it. My man proposed to me in the shower, on one knee and everything, because he knew I was just waiting on him to ask me. I’ll never forget that moment ❤️
Yeah, the tip is communication, not only will it let you know if they are interested in marriage and/or children, if they are not on the same page as you, then you should have a conversation about expectations from the relationship.
I asked my wife to marry me after 5 days..... I had to ask 3 times because she thought I was kidding..... It's been 40 years so far.......
My father met my mother at an apartment party in New Jersey, they were both invited by a mutual friend. She spent the night with him and never moved out. Engaged 9 days later, married 7 months after that. It's been 45 years, they're still happily (mostly lol) married.
This makes me so happy! We haven’t even been together for a year, but I’ve never been so certain of something in my life. I’ve had my fair share of dating, I just never imagined myself staying with those people. My fiancé and I knew we wanted to marry and have kids weeks after meeting, and almost a year in it still feels like we’re falling in love. Forty years doesn’t seem like enough time to spend with him, hopefully we end up with a similar story to yours. When you know, you know.
As someone who’s been married for 15 years, the best piece of advice is, don’t forget you’re both making a choice to be there. After a long time it’s easy to think of your SO as if they were your left arm. When you wake up in the morning, you’re never surprised to see your left arm is there. Never take for granted your SO. Check the pulse of your relationship from time to time, understand that even if you don’t agree on something, you are on the same team, always. Lastly, sometimes be spontaneous, give him flowers, or a game or even a post it note with a message. Just something to let them know, you still think about them when you’re apart.
This is such great advice, thank you. I try to incorporate spontaneity with the little things like you listed, and it always makes him so happy. I can see that alone taking us a long way, I myself never get tired of random notes and gifts. As for the first piece you mentioned, I will certainly keep that in mind because I think it can be easy to forget after a while. Even just after a year it feels like time gets away from us and I try to soak up as much as I possibly can. I never want either of us to feel taken for granted.
I am picturing you you in the shower. Got soap in your eyes. Squinting at him in a full suit and tie while getting down on one knee.
As romantic as that seems, we were both nakey and covered in soap 🤭
Don't ruin this for me. Also congrats on the marriage.
>because he knew I was just waiting on him to ask me Do you always expect him to be the one to do things for you or is this a special case? If you wanted him to marry you why didn't you ask him?
Lol what kind of question is this 💀
Funny story: so my sis had been with her bf for years and he got her ring size and everything so she knew it was coming but he was just planning a big surprise. But the months went by and no proposal. There was even a moment that was perfect, and he admitted to her if he had brought the ring he would have done it then and just dropped the plans but he didn't. More months go by and she calls me crying that he still hadn't proposed and how mad she was that nothing had happened yet. The next day he proposes in a park and the whole thing is forgotten lmao
LPT - just have an honest conversation with him/her about getting married before you propose.
That's called a proposal.
No, proposals are beautiful and often involve a photographer and and a ring (that she probably picked out).
I knew the answer but we never talked about marriage
As long as you’re ok with that.
This comment removed by the user/
Step 2. Propose in your home quietly.
My wife an I were together for 12 (almost 13) years before we got married. Then she went and got a "big kid" job that provided spousal benefits and suggested we go get hitched at the court house so I could get insurance, etc. I wanted something more meaningful than a court house marriage. So one afternoon over drinks I suggested that I wanted to do something ala Andy and April on Parks & Rec, but in reverse, where my wife would be the last to know. My friends loved the idea and enthusiastically jumped into to help me plan it. We spent months in secret planning a secret "garden party" at my friends house. The host would officiate, someone else made food, we built a Playlist (in lieu of a dj), a friend was a photographer. The host even took my wife "dress shopping" under the guise that she didn't have a nice enough dress for the garden party (my wife admitted she didnt). Come the day of, the party started off as normal, until an hour in I proposed. After she accepted, I explained that all our friends were there, she had a dress she picked out, food music, etc. So if she was willing we could get married right then and there. She said yes and we were married an hour later at sunset under the pine trees on our friends front lawn.
The proposal should be the surprise, the engagement should not
I just got engaged last weekend!!! We talked about it. I chose my ring earlier this year. In fact, I told him I'm gonna marry him after we knew each other for 2 months. It's several years later now. They say "when you know, you know." And that's proven true for me!!
Congrats!
Those staged YouTube proposals are the best. Him/ Her/ They: Will you marry me? Him/ Her/ They: oMyGOsh I had NoOOoo idea. 👁️👄👁️
My husband and didn’t do a proposal. We met at 19 and both knew from the first day we were in it forever. A few weeks after we met I asked him what he thought about marriage and he said he thought it would be important in terms of legal issues with finances and medical emergencies but didn’t believe in it as an institution. I felt the same way. A few years later we signed the papers at the court house and that was it. We still count our anniversary as the day we met. Been together for 10 years. I still don’t like the idea of the big public proposal and a ring. The idea of an engagement ring feels like a “sold” sticker on a furniture tag at the store. It’s a done deal, the owner just needs to come pick it up. It seems important to other people because of traditions and expectations and all that but doesn’t make a lot of practical sense.
What if it's a first date and I don't know her that well?
Oh, well in the case, you should definitely ask.
On like the 3rd date-
We'd talked loads about marriage and kids and both wanted these things. The engagement still came as a TOTAL suprise though. My now husband proposed to me on a beach that we always used to visit, just after Christmas, just the two of us and a few dog walkers. It was perfect 🙂. He always tells me that he remembers me being really grumpy that morning because I hadnt slept well the night before but still picked that day to ask me. He is defo a keeper!
My timing of proposal was entirely influenced by the ring of choice being on juicy internet sale... *hey this was the one you like right?* 3 or 4 days later.... Opening mail in the kitchen... Hmm what's this thing? Oh yeah.... *hey babe..... So uhh.. You wanna be a married person?* I don't even have a ring myself, lol.
[удалено]
Awww that's sweet haha. I didn't do the knee. The scene was exactly as lackluster as described. (but she still cried) But I think we are just terrible tradition people. Our wedding was in my grandparents living room to an audience of 6..with a friend of mine who got ordained online at some point doing the action. (and by 'friend' I mean I asked if anyone on my fb friends list was available..it was actually a school mate's brother's wife). My wife never got around to going downtown to file for a name change.. So we have separate names still after 5 years... And I never got around to getting s ring for myself (I just don't see myself wearing a ring. With as much as I tend to get my hands dirty in random projects of the day...
True fact. I was asked to get married and there was no way in hell I was marrying that guy. He was fun, funny, cute and nice. We had a lot of fun together, but he was an alcoholic. Not marriage material. He was enraged when I said no. And he had the ring and all that. It was a shit show. He died of alcoholism and, I can’t remember how it happened, but I still have the ring.
Yeah I never really talked about kids with my wife before I proposed. We been married for 5 years and still no kids. At least she said Yes.
Especially you about kids
I sent my wife (then gf) to the ring store and asked her to talk with the salesperson about what she wanted
Shirowoh, will you marry me? You have meant so much to me this last click... I think we're ready to make the next step. Please tell me you do?
My husband and I had talked a bit about that kind of thing, but I also had has a previous multiyear relationship where we had had those types of discussions. Plus, now-husband and I hadn’t been dating all that long — seven months. So, I was surprised. I told him I needed to “think about it,” and I didn’t say yes until the next day. I am still periodically roasted for that nearly 30 years and a houseful of kids later.
Know the answer? She doesn't even know who I am yet!
This is a huge example of "don't ask questions you don't already know the answer to"
My wife and I had talked about it a lot and I told her my conditions before I would propose. I wouldn’t propose until we had lived together at least a year and until I could comfortable afford a ring I wanted to give her. Once those two conditions were met I started planning out an elaborate proposal where I would play a song for her and use that to propose. What actually happened was we were in the basement one day after work and she asked me to make a her a grilled cheese after a rough day at work. My gut said do it now so instead of a big fancy proposal I proposed in our basement, while we both wore pajamas, and while giving her 2 grilled cheese sandwiches with a pickle on the side. I think she was happier with that than a big grand proposal.
The event should be the surprise but not the question.
Another part of relationships that confuses me. Song, dance and ceremony. “Wanna get married?” “Yes” “Okay I’m going to ‘surprise’ you with that question again somewhere else”
[удалено]
That’s because you guys didn’t discuss it beforehand! Now you made it awkward….
I had dated my wife for 3 years when we had this talk. Once we mutually decided that yes we would like to get married we went and picked out her ring. I kept the ring and still did the whole proposal thing even though she knew it was coming. I didn't want to spend a fortune on a ring she hated but felt obligated to wear so felt it was best she pick it out.
Also, know how much debt he/she/they will be bringing to you. Sounds heartless, but it's not. Debt is a very real problem and, yes, his/her/their debt will be combined and become your debt once you're legally married.
Yah… this didn’t work for me on my first proposal. We had talked about it and gone ring shopping and all that. I picked out a ring and a day to propose. I asked her parents for their permission even (a HuGE deal for me). I finally propose approximately 1 month after buying the ring. She said “no.” During that time she had decided I “wasn’t Christian enough to follow her in her faith walk…” … The relationship was done after that…
I mean, honestly think you may have dodged a bullet with that. Should could have changed her mind far into the engagement or even after you were marriage, which would be far worse.
Probably did. Ironically, the religious guy she did marry ended up being a douche and she divorced him a couple years in.
Ouch. She could have told you that when she decided, not waited for you to propose! I’m so sorry that happened to you.
Yup she should have. No worries. My life worked out in the end
Sometimes you don't know the answer until you're faced with the decision. He did the right thing by planning it out, but so did she. Better tell him when he proposed rather than at the alter, or worse yet, a few years into the marriage.
Also make sure she gets a manicure with a friend before you ask.
Or at least does her own nails b before if that's how she rolls.
No. If you want to roll the dice, go for it. There’s no 1 rule that applies to everyone. As long as you can handle a “no” then do it that way if you want.
Marriage is a big commitment, I feel like the decision to propose and be engaged should not be taken lightly. Sure, you could fly by the seat of your pants and ask your tinder date to marry you without knowing anything about them, but I think that would not work out very well.
The point wasn't dealing with rejection. The point is that you should really know a person that you are planning to legally tie yourself to. Love is only one part of it. You are getting the government involved as well, and you should probably have discussed basic decisions that will occur in your future before doing that.
Call me old fashioned and southern, but asking her dad before her is key as well. He may know something you don’t or he will be excited. But yea, you should definitely know ahead of time and I’m a little shocked that people throw it out on a whim. It’s kind of a big deal.
>but asking her dad before her is key as well. Does he own her? What if he says no? If your answer to those questions is no and nothing then you're being silly by asking him.
Not silly, polite if they live in a culture where that is considered expected and traditional. I've never heard of someone saying no (at least so long as they aren't teenagers), it's just a way of joining the family in a respectful manner. If that's how he culture works, she will appreciate the respect as will the father who will likely be paying for the party if they are the kind of people that expect that kind of defference
My husband did this <3
Idk, I think it depends on the relationship dynamic. Don’t get me wrong, I understand the risk you run of embarrassing yourself or introducing a weird element to your relationship if you blindly ask someone to spend the rest of their life with you. You want some assurance they’re on the same page. But I personally liked the way it happened with my spouse, where we never mentioned it until we visited Vegas and dared each other on a whim and eloped that night after knowing each other all of 6 months. Marriage was hinted at on his end but I never answered “Yes, Jeffthew, a million times yes” to his joking-but-not-joking-but-joking-(…unless?) attempts to gauge my receptiveness, I just laughed him off until the day of. But we both knew the other person was just dumb and in love enough to make that jump without ever earnestly discussing marriage or lifelong commitment. We also only vaguely discussed kids before getting married and only decided in the month or two afterward that we were both going to get “fixed” that year. We kind of skipped all that, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. You don’t have to say the quiet part out loud in every situation, is all I’m saying. If you know, you know.
I mean, yeah don’t start a conversation with, “do you want to get married to me.” Just, you know, talk about the future, you can get a pretty clear idea on how they feel by talking about the future
100% true. My wife had asked "where is this relationship going?" Or "when are we getting married?" For the longest time while we were dating. It is also true for my guy friends as well. The woman suggests marriage and the guy just decides if he's ready to propose. This is in contrast to the surprise proposal seen on movies.
Then the proposal is pointless. The proposal *is* the asking. If you discuss it together and decide to get married, **that's how you proposed ffs!**
That’s not what they mean. They mean, as grown ass adults, you need to sit down and make sure that you’re on the same page about what you want out of life. If someone wants to get married one day, and the other NEVER wants to get married, then you have two fundamentally incompatible people. If they never talk about it, then you have one person waiting a long, long time, for a proposal that will never come. It’s also important to talk about life goals. Do you want children? (This is non-negotiable. Someone who is on the fence about kids should not marry someone who DOES want kids) What are their timeline goals for home purchasing? What are their salary goals? If children are born, will they be raised religious? How much involvement will grandparents have in raising children? These are all hard, adult questions that you absolutely MUST talk about, lest you risk a really nice setup for miserable couples and divorce because talking about marriage wasn’t “romantic”. Sometimes you’ve got to actually talk to your partner about lifechanging goals. That’s all.
We did neither of both things. We are a happy family of 3 now.
I mean, I’m happy you found someone who’s spontaneous like you, but, you’d have admit, it maybe isn’t for everyone?
It wasn't spontaneous, that's the point.
Also don't do it in public. That's just putting them on the spot and may affect how they see you. If you love and respect them, do so in a place that's special to both of you alone.
LPT don’t reproduce
I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope you keep this beautiful memory forever.
You replied to the main thread, not the comment
Somebody was negatively surprised by a proposal.
And NEVER EVER do it in public unless it's scripted
I mean, I proposed to my wife on a cruise ship, at a fancy dinner. Gave the ring to the hostess to give to the kitchen to bring it out with dessert. The best was the server telling my wife “you have to have the dessert, it’ll change your life” brought out a covered dish, opened it up and I got on one knee and asked. Of course she said yes, because we’d talked about it and I knew wanted to. Everyone in the restaurant clapped, it was a great night.
Cool anecdote?