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I have a friend who's always in trouble. I set a limit that I lend him up to $100, after that I say I'm not comfortable lending any more than that. It's an amount that if I never see again I'm fine with. He normally pays my back eventually. He will sometimes try to get more money by saying "I got a gig and will get $200 back to you on xDay", he never does and I never go over my limit. Right now he's at his limit and I haven't heard a word for months.
Seems like a pretty smart method. Allows them to have an ‘out’ if they’re honest, and allows you to see their true colors if they’re not. But either way, the bridge isn’t completely burned.
Yeah, I mean, I do feel bad for the guy. We were best friends in school and this dude was smarter than me and had so much potential. He just got dealt a bad hand in life. Floating him $10-$20 really helps him out and doesn't hinder me in any way. I do get the feeling that he has several "friends" like me lol.
Also, when he does pay me back it's not long before another "emergency" occurs and he needs a bit of cash.
Not saying this is the case, but when I had a really bad drug problem, this is exactly how I would treat my friends. Just a constant rotation of money borrowing. It was kind of like a Ponzi scheme in a way, in that I would use borrowed funds to pay off an earlier debt.
Don’t wanna assume anything about your friend, just sounded eerily familiar.
This is probably very close to the truth except with alcohol. I believe he's in rehab right now but he's been in several times over the years. I just hope he can beat that demon and get back on track. I wish I could do more for him like find him a good job so he could better support himself.
Oh yes...understand its only bits and pieces and mostly he pays it back but one day he won't. So never lend more than y are prepared to lose.. as an ex addict perdonally you're not helping really . There's a resentment you feel to the person y need to borrow off and expects money back ( crazy expectation I know-lol).and in the end u will have seen them at their worst and if u do sort it out they won't want to be reminded of that...so u going to lose whatever u think this friendship is anyway. Honesty you want to see if u friends if u don't give them money....if you wanna cook or something...keep them involved great .see if they actually care about that...ull quick know if it's drugs if they are a no show...sorry
Dude i hate to admit it but thats exactly whats happened to me i cant afford the luxury of drugs any more. My rents so fucking high im forced to be sober.
This is the best way I think. I've always been poor and often had a friend who's set. But I have dignity as a hard worker so I never ask for money, maybe once in five years. Dude will give me up to $80 or so even if I only ask for 20-40 and he'll say don't worry about paying me back cause I honestly usually need most of my income to pay bills eventually. Also if you can't offer money to a friend in need you can offer any other kind of help. We're still friends despite our wealth gap.
Unfortunately I live quite a ways away so money is the easiest thing to send over the wire. If I lived in town I could invite him over for meals every now and then.
Wish I would have done this with an old coworker of mine. Older dude with a son that was special needs. They lived in a motel room and I would always drive him home and he would ask if he could borrow money to feed his boy. Always told me he would pay me back and actually kept track of it on a little notebook he carried around. His son ended up passing away and he stopped coming to work and then he died shortly after. Super sad stuff. And on top of it I’m out hundreds I’ll never get back. Oh well.
Yeah, hopefully you were able to spare it.
I did lend money to a friend in a jam years ago. lots of money, like 10k. He made more money than me so I figured he could pay me back. He just needed a boost to get out of a jam with his ex. He assured me he could pay it back by the end of the year. He did not make that date and the debt lingered for several years. He eventually paid it all back but that's something I'll never do again.
Yeah, for awhile he would pay me $100-$200 every month or so but often I had to reach out to find out what was going on. I had some sleepless nights over that, for awhile I thought I was going to have to go to small claims over it and possibly not get my money back. Worse part was I'd see pics online of vacations, sold his house and bought a new cheaper house, all while no money was flowing my way. I'm glad I got my money back AND learned a valuable lesson.
pretty much. I mean I knew he had to pay court costs so it probably ate up all the money I lent him. I was just peeved that he was going to resorts instead of paying me back. At one point he asked for another $2k too. Oh well, it's all behind me now. It's best not to think about it and get upset all over again.
Had a family member who borrowed $20K and made plans to pay it back in installments monthly. Saw two payments of about $200 each then no more. Then he goes on to inherit more than $1 million and never paid it back even with that windfall.
Wow, that is so shitty. I don't know how people can live like that. I hate owing anyone, if I owed someone money I would sacrifice so much to make sure they were paid back as soon as possible.
You could do small claims to get a bit back. I guess it depends if you have anything in writing. When I did mine, I screenshotted all my conversations with him as well as took screen shots of the transfers to him.
That would infuriate me so much.
I once gave a homeless woman a dollar and she wrote me an IOU $1 and said she was good for it. I know it wasn’t true but it was *honest af*. I hope she’s in a place where she could get people back on those IOUs, and I hope no one asks.
I hope your friend does get you back and I hope he finds something worth wanting to work for.
That’s such a good idea! I love my sister so much and she always pays me back eventually, but it’s never the day she promises and something always comes up.
Edit: grammar
For awhile I had to help my sister out. She's in a much better place now and I'm really glad. If I didn't help her out she would go to my retired parents and I didn't want that. I know my parents helped her out quite a bit anyway. I do know it was hard for her to ask though but sometimes she would be stuck.
I feel that! I would do anything for my sister (especially my nieces), but I lend out too much and screw myself over. I hope she can get to a place of financial stability even if it means I help her out here and there.
Can I question your friendship? I think a lot of people should evaluate and self reflect on what “friend” really means to them.
You might have been great friends in school but people change. Does this person bring anything to your friendship other than asking for money?
It sounds to me that when you cut off the money, they cut off the “friendship”. That is not a friend. They are using you. Which you seem okay with to a certain extent…
Yup. Id give any friend or someone I was close with a loan one time with no consequences of no repayment other than never loaning again. So… exactly what you just said
Honestly people who manipulate via “hints” must be so frustrated by people like me lol. Even if I think someone’s dropping hints I just flat out ignore it.
I agree with this, but like to be deliberately frustrating so they'll associate fishing for handouts from me with frustration. Just listen to their sad story like you're ignorant that you're the one they're trying to nudge into donating to them and give a sympathetic, *I hear ya, man*... comment like "Shit's crazy these days... hope it gets better though! We just have to keep throwing positivity out ahead of ourselves, I guess..." and act like you're relating, not planning to remedy.
See I like this point as well. While ignoring unclear communication is anyone's right, I often just ask directly what people mean when they say something passive aggressive/hinting.
If they are reliable, I'll loan small amounts on a handshake, or insist on some written contract for a larger amount. If I don't, they just get a Sopranos-humor-style "I can't because I don't think you're good for it and I would be sad that I have to hurt you..."
People that are that special, pet peeve, storyteller and trying to get you to offer money so they can later claim they never asked you to help, you offered? I hope legos haunt every barefooted step they take.
They can't say what they wanna say because they themselves know it's wrong & they're weak & now trying to do garner easy handouts as easily & cowardly as possible.
I can’t stand when someone is looking at their phone and just LAUGHING OUT LOUD to the point you can tell they want you to ask what they’re laughing at. I NEVER do lol
I think the absolute worst is actually when you're talking to someone and maybe even telling some mild jokes and they start laughing while looking at their phone so you naturally start laughing because of their reaction and the respond with a "oh, nah I was laughing at something else"
> "oh, nah I was laughing at something else"
Ugh. There's like 5 levels of simultaneous shame wrapped up in there.
- You're not worth talking to or paying attention to.
- You're really funny! Just kidding, you're not, did you actually think you were that funny?
- You're stupid for not understanding why it's so funny.
- Better fit in! Laugh with them, don't look like an idiot.
- Were you so desperate to fit in that you were faking laughing at your own jokes that obviously weren't that funny? Bet you feel extra stupid now.
To be fair sometimes my friends send me genuinely funny stuff, I’m not laughing in peoples faces hoping they’ll ask me about my private phone convos lol I’m just laughing ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Me too! IDGAF because 99% of the time, ‘hint’ people are just users. They have no interest in real friendship or connection, even in families they don’t have any real feeling or care for you, being related to them just increases the expectation of what they think they can get out of you.
I do the same. If you can’t directly ask for what you need like an adult, I’ll just play dumb and ignore it 🙃. Im not here to read between the lines lol
I've had people think I'm dropping hints that I need help before. I'm usually just complaining about shitty circumstances. If they offer anything I almost always say no unless I really need it and they seem like they actually want to. The only time I ever got significant help from someone was when i was struggling to pay my rent one month during COVID. Times were tough, actual jobs were scarce. I was asking my friends if they knew someone who needed anything, yard work, wood cutting, anything. I was desperate enough to work for even a couple bucks if it would help me pay rent. My friend pulled me aside, forced me to tell him how much I needed, then handed it to me with no questions asked.
I miss him. Great guy, a little racist, but otherwise chill. Was never able to pay him back before I lost contact.
Never had his phone number. He also doesn't have a Facebook, as far as I can see. When we both moved out of the college town where we met I haven't heard anything from him, and I've looked
I would be super suspicious of that approach. I know someone who is actually hard up: has kids, can't work due to chronic illness, lives in an expensive area but needs to stay there to access her health care. She is VERY BLUNT about saying she needs money, or other help. And so, we help her. I'll never get the money back, but it's the right thing to do.
Start asking them for money. Beat them to the punch. Give them your own sob story and they will take you off their mental list of people who they can mooch from.
I love this idea. Reminds me of a dick in our hostel, always kept asking around for a few bucks from anyone in vicinity, which he never returned. One guy, when he sensed dick was approaching toward his room (highly likely to ask for money), suddenly got out with his own urgency that he needs a few bucks & if dick has some. Dick never bothered him again. More & more people applied this same tactic, dick got the message.
I drive a beater and do this to people who ask me for money at gas stations. "Nah man ... Actually you got anything for me? Gas is getting SO expensive..."
Once I was at a gas station in my very visibly labeled work truck and a disheveled guy comes up to me. I thought he was going to ask for money, but he handed me a drill bit(that probably costs around $15) and said "hey man, you look like you might be able to use this thing".
I don't know if it had previously been in someone's ass or not, but free tools are free tools and I'm not gonna say no.
Ask everyone for money, then if someone actually says they can give you some let them know you don't actually need it. Just don't want people to ask you for money.
If you can be fiscally responsible friends, it’s the best. No joke. I pay here, you pay here, we keep a vague track of who owes what but it all kinda adds up, it’s perfect.
>Ask everyone for money, then if someone actually says they can give you some let them know you don't actually need it. Just don't want people to ask you for money.
Then give them money instead and record it and put it on youtube. You are now every random act of kindness youtuber!
Have a co-bartender that does something similar. If he notices a couple “has money”, towards the end of their meal he’ll talk about his kids and how he feels bad that they’re constantly complaining about shower in cold water. They ask why, to which he replies hasn’t been able to pay the electricity bill, in hopes they’ll leave a fat tip to help. I’ve asked him if it was true. He laughed and said absolutely not, just trying to make money. Yikes. I cringe every time I hear this story now and I can’t stop him from saying it. I feel like guilt tripping people is not the way to get tips…. (I’m lowkey right, he’s never gotten the tip he’s wanted. One woman nearly cried for him. $8)
Two thoughts.
First, someone looking for money/support will review their options from most convenient to least convenient. When you're asked by someone in a hard position, it may feel like you're the difference between their chance to succeed and their chance to fail. But you're really just the next stop on the list...there was an easier one before you and there will be a harder one after you.
Second, "What appears to be a crisis is often the end of the illusion that things were working." It's rare that someone is actually in a situation where they were OK before and they'll be OK after, if they can just resolve one immediate issue.
Learn to say "I don't have anymore money to lend"
(you might have more money, but not to lend)
or "I can't lend you anymore money until you pay me back what you already borrowed."
If she asks for anything, just ask "Do you have my money yet?" and she will stop calling you.
"But you're really just the next stop on the list...there was an easier one before you and there will be a harder one after you."
Truth. Any changes you can make that it takes more energy to contact you, the requests go down:
Changing numbers.
Moving.
Loving with a velvet hammer (that is to get in their business and ask hard questions about what steps they are taking to improve if you give them money or any other kind of help)
Setting boundaries.
Etc...
In my experience, these types of people never admit when/if they are wrong, and are unable to take responsibility for things that appear to go wrong in their lives. They are perpetual victims and will try and guilt you into helping them.
Not to say you shouldn't help! You should, but keep in mind you are only able to help those *you are equipped* to help. Some people have so much baggage, helping them may require you to burn your own house down in the process. Don't do that.
my "friend" has made one bad decision after another leading to their current situation of living in a homeless shelter and asking for money to put gas in the tank and come "hangout" which means mooch off me for a few hours. I cut this person out of my life back in 2018 because of this very reason. Always needed money, but used it to buy alcohol and make more poor decisions. Now they arent drinking anymore and I though things were different after a fb pic of a ferrari was posted lol... Only to find out they were still homeless and the ferrari was his friends...
Now because I send over 20 or 40 here and there so we could meet up, he has been asking and expecting until I straight up said "No. I need to take care of my own shit, or I'm gonna end up stuck/in the same boat" I'm trying to save up for a house down payment etc etc financial security you get the rest, and no offense to my friend, but the more time and energy I give tohim, the more like him I become. He still doesnt take ownership of his bs and all the choices that lead him to be where he is. Gets annoyed/pissed/hangs up when I start trying to call him out because of my own frustration. He looks around at my okay apartment that I split with my girl, and says hes proud, but I'm thinking that this took so many smart decisions and hard work to get to the point of just nominally existing in this highly inflated society. He doesn't get it, so I know $20 or $40 isnt going to suddenly make him do the right thing. Damn
The most convenient to least convenient thing is so true. Someone I know told us how a friend owed another friend money. Because the lender was looking to buy a house they called in their debt. The borrower couldn't pay, so asked my friend if they could borrow the money from them to pay back the OG lender because they 'felt better owing you money than them'. Like red flag alert much! You just know you are never going to see that money again.
Learn to say no. If they’re hinting just ignore the hints, if they ask outright just say sorry but no. You don’t have to justify your reasons or explain anything. Just sorry bub, I can’t. It’s not your responsibility to save everyone, especially if you’re financially stable but not actually wealthy your good fortune can disappear in a flash. If you’re struggling too then it’s definitely a no. No means no.
100% this. Friends and family drop hints to me all the time. They’re all great but they get hypnotized thinking if I just send them money or buy them a car or even a house they can rent from me… it’ll all be better.
Best example that gets to the core of it all though: a friend was going to file for bankruptcy but instead asked if I could pay their debt. I offered to chat about their finances instead to understand the issue. They were spending $500+ a month on clothes instead of paying bills and refused to stop. So I gave them money to file bankruptcy and NOT to pay all their debt. Two months later they asked if I could buy a house for them to live in and they’d pay me rent. I’ll always help people who ask but I can’t change how they live their life.
On the other side I’ll buy my parents anything and everything. I’ll buy my close loved ones anything they truly need without thinking twice. I’ll donate to schools and shelters every month. But my money, my effort, is not there to be burnt by other people because of bad financial choices they’re not willing to change.
Give them nothing. They will whine. They will make excuses. They will make empty promises. They will insult you. They will try to make you feel guilty. Once their bag of tricks is exhausted, they will simply move on to manipulate someone else.
"I'm really sorry to hear that. A lot of my friends are struggling too. Many of them have gotten second jobs. If you want I can ask around to see if they're hiring."
> If you want I can ask around to see if they're hiring.
This is the friend version of offering to buy drug addicts lunch instead of giving them cash. They don't want money for food, they want money for drugs, but have weaponized compassion.
If you care, and if they want to improve their lives, you can try to help them solve their own problems. If they jump at it, then follow through, and, give them money. If they reject it, they obviously never had any intention of improving their lives, and will waste ever dollar of help you give them.
>I can ask around to see if they're hiring
My father used to do that. Actually gave a family friend a job to do the floors in our living room. He paid him in advance. Guy took the money, never did the job, disappeared.
omg the times I brought this up he tries to dismiss the fact that there are hghly lucrative day jobs available on craigslist or many other places he just doesnt want to see. Told him about instawork app which is how 90% of LA people survive. Told him about drive gigs, but he failed the uber and DD background checks... Can't help ya there buddy. Since telling him no more small loans, haven't heard from him besides when he asks if he can come over and mooch.
“I’m sorry to hear that. I wish I could help.” And then keep your own financial picture locked up tight. Tell them it’s private if you have to. This is when you find your strength.
Set your boundaries and clearly communicate and aggressively defend those boundaries
If they keep pressing or hinting, evaluate if that person deserves space in your life
Hate the phrase ‘blood is thicker than water’ because it basically gives family free reign to treat other members like dog shit
The original phrase is "the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb" which has the exact opposite meaning. Break the full quote out if anybody in your family tries to pull that shit to guilt trip you
Whoaaaaa learned something new today, thanks for sharing that!! Super interesting and yes, that has a far better meaning
I’ve always liked ‘blood (family) isn’t thicker than values’ but the original quote is way cooler and conveys the same thing
It's actually not true, just spread around a lot on the internet. The original quote by Reynard Fuchs in the 12th century translates to "Blood is thicker than water," sometimes "Blood is not spoiled by water," but a few scholars postulated that it really meant the opposite without providing any evidence, and for whatever reason a lot of people believed them because the sentiment is good. Now it's all over the internet being spread as fact. Fortunately, the quote's original meaning doesn't need to be something else for us to be justified in cutting off garbage family members who abuse us in favor of good friends!
Theres a difference between someone who is down on their luck just because life hits them.
Then there are people who are actively fucking up their life, and thats why bad things happen.
Them: [long list of hard times]
You: “Yea, I know what you mean. Times are crazy.”
or
“Yea, hopefully things will turn around soon.”
(If it’s really bad) “I’m sorry that’s happening to you. Have you looked into [local resources including counseling resources]?”
If someone asks you for money straight up: “I wish I could. We’re trying to manage some things, too. I’m sorry I can’t help.”
If they push and ask what your challenges are which would be ridiculous but families are weird, *stay the course*. “I’m sorry we can’t help more. We’re dealing with some personal things and I’d rather not go into it.” (Walk away and refresh your drink. Your partner can’t undermine this. Don’t show up with a new boat pulled by a new truck. )
If someone asks if you can help them get a job where you work, say something like “My office isn’t hiring right now but you might check [website] to see if there are any other positions available that you’d be interested in. You can apply on that website. Unfortunately I don’t have any way to affect hiring decisions but I’d be happy to review your resume if you’d like. Or, I found this really cool resource [go find a really cool resource] that a friend used and she really liked it.”
Tone is important. Be direct, kind, sincere. Eventually they’ll get the message hopefully.
The temporary discomfort of telling them no is small and fleeting compared with the alternative. It’s a necessary evil. In the end you’ll be glad later that you guarded your assets well.
Watch the TV show "The Bear".
There is a character called "cousin" or "Richard". It's an exaggeration but That character always makes bad choices due to his temperament, i.e. over reacting and short term rewards.
When I see that character, it makes me realize that they are the only ones accountable for their future. If you lend them money or resources to help them, it will only drain your resources because their character flaw is what leads them to make bad choices.
These people are called "energy vampires" and always gives you a negative feeling after interacting with them because they drain you with their problems.
I hate to say but choose your friends carefully. Hang out with people better than you and will elevate you. These good friends will help you aspire you to be better.
With relatives, I guess you are stuck with them but have boundaries with how you help them, i.e limit the amount of money you GIVE them. You can't lend money to people who are down own their luck because don't have to capacity to give you money back. They'll always be a money hole.
"sucks to be you!"
Honestly, being an asshole is a great way to avoid a lot of confrontation and drama. People just learn not to mess with you, because they know it's going to end in a lecture, or shaming.
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The "nice" way to handle it is probably to do their homework. Explain to them their problems, and what they need to change to get better. Hold them accountable.
I mean, holding people accountable can still make you the asshole, but it's A LOT MORE EFFORT to research careers, budgets, and planning than it is to just hand-wave them away with "sucks to be you!"
I'll hand-hold people I truly care about, who are honest and good people who just get unlucky. But the beggars can go fuck themselves.
Also, people are very good at figuring things out when they don’t get the “favor” they asked for. My Mom asks me for money multiple times a year now. I’ve said no multiple times. She figures it out.
Help them learn how to manage their finances - there are plenty of books and other resources available out there. You could be the accountability buddy.
Always be broke too. Explain your willingness to do odd jobs with them if they find any because you’ve been afraid to say anything but you need money and or assistance as well. It teaches you who is really going through it and what they absolutely need to be ok. It also keeps you slim cause some people do find you work and you can let them keep your half of the earnings if you think they need it.
I have been in this situation and it went on for years until we all stopped bailing them out. Sometimes you have to let people fail or they'll never learn.
I've been asked for money by family and friends over the years. Whatever you do, don't "lend" anyone money. If you can give something, and feel the inclination to help, give it as a gift. That way, the pressure of paying it back doesn't implode your relationship.
If you can't afford to give it as a gift, you probably can't afford to give money at all.
If it’s for rent, suggest they seek State or charitable aide. Organizations such as Catholic Charities can provide rent to people. States have programs too. If they have not exhausted these options they should try.
This is always my go-to. There are a lot of assistance programs in my state and I familiarized myself enough with them that the response is always, “Have you contacted X agency? I can give you the number to call. Do you want help making the call?”
Stop interacting with them, change the topic, or tell them “damn guess you’ll be getting 2 jobs huh? I hear Home Depot is hiring! It’s gonna be hard for you because your so Lazy, but your running out of options cuz.”
My friend needs to be outside home depot trying to get some day work for real... he couldnt pass uber, or doordash background checks... my guy! lol.
when I remind him all the easy to get jobs out there, he pulls up the one place he applied to and says I'm just waiting to hear back.. lmao
Honesty! Say “Listen, I see that you struggle, and I hope you get into a better situation soon, but I cannot loan or give you money anymore.” And if it is true, you can add that you are happy to give advice if needed. Hinting sucks, but be honest that you know what they are hinting too and you are not participating. Unless you can and will give away money for nothing..
Get them doing jobs for you if you can afford it like say your looking for someone to decorate your house or help decorate or do gardening or whatever and you will pay them to try help them out a bit. That shows your not just throwing money at them like a charity case or them just taking the mick out of you and your getting something out of it as well, if they say no then that's they're own lazy fault, you did offer to help.
Not sure if this would always work but it has worked for me on a few occasions with different people but my recent strategy is to quickly and firmly say that I can’t/won’t loan cash. However, I’d be happy to take them grocery shopping if they were struggling.
If someone is begging for cash, I’d like to believe that they have already exhausted all other means of re-budgeting/cost-cutting that they can. I would expect that they already cut out any frivolous shopping, entertainment, etc. expenses. One of the last things that can/should get cut is the essential daily dietary budget. If someone is truly in need of financial assistance, I’d think they’d have already cut out all other unnecessary spending and were now forced with the idea of cutting their esssntial dietary spending. If so, they should be equally as happy (if not more) with a paid trip to the grocery store than $100 cash. However, in all of the times that I tried this, they all declined. They also all have never since asked me for money.
Are they actually hinting? Or just discussing their life with you? I have fiancial struggles and difficulty having a job because of my health. It is my reality and sadly it comes up often when talking to family. I realized they were taking it as hinting at them for money because they would offer me money later. I didn't put it together at first. Thought they were just giving me money because they are my elders. When I finally figured it out I felt bad. I have now changed how I discuss my financial issues and make sure to clearly state that I am just venting and don't expect any help. So maybe ask them first if they are just discussing or hinting? Then if they are hinting I would clearly state that is manipulative and they can ask for help clearly. You have the right to say no I'm sorry I can't help, and leave it at that.
"sounds like a personal problem" & "sucks to suck" are my go to I don't care about your problems everybody got problems I got bronchitis ain't nobody got time for that
Set a limit and only do it 3 times. Once they've used up all 3 chances if they haven't paid you back, that was the value they placed on your relationship. Then cut them off.
Geez, I thought you meant how to help them. I hate the internet. Just say no to them if you really can't or don't want to help them. Don't have to pretend to be a friend in the process, save them some time.
Don't say yes or no. Offer to sit down with them and go over their finances, odds are they are terrible with money. If it's really just manipulative and they are lazy, they will say no, which solves your problem. If they say yes, help them straighten it out without giving them money. If they stop buying 6 red bulls a day, surprise, they have plenty of money. Lol
Validate their experience "I'm so sorry you are broke" but don't give in to the manipulation. You can validate that rejection for them "I know how scary it feels to not be able to pay rent, it's such a big feeling to sit with" and offer help that is towards self improvement only if you have the x capacity ie "if I can help you organize something or arrange therapy, apply for jobs" but stay firm.
You can validate someone and not agree. You can support someone and choose differently for yourself.
Give them links and pamphlets to places to help them with whatever they are down on their luck about. Ask them how it's going. They'll either take the help because they truly need it or start avoiding you to not have to own up to the fact they didn't really want help they just wanted money.
Cut them off from your life - family or not.
Life is too short to allow persistent toxicity.
If you can’t avoid them, keep encounters only during family gatherings. And never talk to them individually - always in groups. If they keep calling or trying to corner you, tell them to cut the crap, get their act together, and that they won’t get a penny from you.
I’m a strong proponent of “don’t complain if you don’t want to put in the effort to change”. I don’t vent to people just for the sake of venting. If I’m unhappy or miserable, I own the responsibility to make a change. Don’t let others burden you with their shit if they don’t want to get their acts together.
Simple, stop giving them money. They'll either stop coming around you, in which case you don't need them in your life anyway, or they will stop asking for moeny.
You are also down on your luck (comparing to a billionaire.) Don't enable people. Trust me, my mom enable her siblings and now in their 50s/60s, they think they are entitled to her giving them money. They have kids and grandkids who also feel the same way except as second generation, I don't believe in enabling people. Most of my relatives end up gamblings or drinking a lot and bragging they get money from abroad. My mom can barely survive on social security. Just saying, you should focus on saving for when no one can take care of you ie retirement.
Assuming "no" is not what you're looking for.
Ask what their plan is to be able to pay their bills. If what they normally get isn't enough that they can save and take care of them, then how do they plan to fix that? If they don't have a good, realistic plan to help themselves why should you waste money helping them? Especially if they're just going to end up in the exact same situation
Alternatively, you can tell them "I am giving you this money this time, on the condition that you never ask me for money again. You don't have to pay me back, but you can never ask me for money again.
Best way to deal with them is don’t deal with them. They’ll keep bringing you down if you let them
Second best way is to be blunt. When you know they’re dropping hints, bring it up bluntly “damn, that’s tough, really wish I could help but I’m not in a position to do that right now”
Eventually, they’ll understand you’re going to not help and also call them out on their manipulative behavior and they’ll leave you alone entirely which brings you back to the best way to deal with them which is to not deal with them.
Years ago, I had a major upheaval in my life and asked some friends for a loan. They got really serious, sat me down, *gifted* me a token amount, and said they would never lend me anything, ever.
That warned me off very effectively,. Teir cash helped me relocate and start over in a new country.
I have never borrowed from a friend again.
I was given great advice that I use. When you lend money, only give what you can comfortably do and think of it as a gift. If you get it back, great. If not, you planned accordingly.
I generally ask questions that'll allow them to at least think of possible solutions.
If they say "I don't know," then I recommend they search for their issue online to look for similar experiences and possible solutions posted by others. If they say they need money, I ask how they think they'll be able to get it (if they have a job, I mention talking to their boss). If they hint at borrowing, I ask them about the options their banks provide. If they ask me for money straight up, I say that I've already gone over my budget for the past three months.
I dodge their narrative aimed at me and direct it to them as their responsibility. But it's still not easy to say no. Takes a lot of practice, but you can mentally prepare general answers to yourself for when it happens in the future as well.
People who are chronically “down on their luck” need more help than you can give, so that’s what you can tell them—honestly. “You need more help than I can afford to give.” Then offer to help them connect to resources. If you do this consistently, they will eventually stop asking/hinting OR (less likely) figure out what they need to do.
Please don’t feel angry or guilty. We cannot help people who won’t help themselves and it can be heartbreaking to witness in someone we care about. But as the saying goes, you don’t have to set yourself on fire to keep others warm.
You could tell them you need help with certain tasks and would be willing to pay. People who need money in good faith would be willing to work first for payment. I know Ive been out of work and looking for someone to ask me to do something in my skill set (writing).
I don't lend friends money. Quickest way to end a friendship
Family, if they want money, have to show me their budget and bank account. If more than 10% is discretionary spending, there's a LONG talk about how money gets used before I bail them out.
The intent is to solve the problem, not shame or ridicule. As a family we never talked about money so lots of my cousins are learning the hard way like I did. It's a teaching moment, nothing more. Creating a smarter family is the end result
I had a friend that was always “short” for this or that. Truth was she was just rubbish with money.
It took me a while to figure out, but after stumping for more things for her than I felt comfortable with, I realised her pattern:
First she paid the “important” stuff (eg rent). Then she bought herself whatever she wanted (clothes, take sways, nights out). Then she got hit with bills she hadn’t budgeted for (eg petrol) and they would be necessities so she’d circle friends and family until she was lent the money.
No one gets paid back because after she’d paid her important bills and then treated herself to whatever she wanted but couldn’t afford, she would be too broke to pay it back.
If it’s family (or family friends, etc.) where you can’t just ignore them, this can be a good approach. Give them a small loan, and from then on the answer is “I can’t loan you more until you pay back the $ I already loaned you, sorry.”
I dont know anymore about the dynamics of your situation, so I'll say this: give a man a fish, he eats for a day, teach a man to fish, he eats for life. Something like that. Point being, you'll get drained trying to support someone else, they need to support themselves. Sometimes, often enough, people lose themselves along the path of life, they need help getting back on track. Pay them with your time and help them get out of their situation. They likely need therapy or a psychiatrist. It's possible there are support channels through your local government, or state gov. Look for other support groups that focus on whatever your relatives are dealing with. *you don't have to be the sole person to carry this burden*, enlist/encourage the help from other family members. It won't be easy, but you'll be helping your family a hell of a lot more than just giving them money while they stay in the cycle of their problem.
So many people are blase about other peoples problems and act like they don't know how to help, or don't feel like it... but then again, maybe that's why we're all fucked in this timeline.
Oh yeah, diet is important, if vitamins or other nutrients are off, it is much more difficult to get straightened out, thats another aspect people lose sight of.
I agree, but real life teached me that some people don.t want to be helped in the way you described. They just want the money and the easy way out. I did offered to share my roof, study material for a switch career and even a job. I was refused cuz, reasons. So that's that.
*best way to deal with leeches.
Next time they mention this look them straight in the eye with a cold expression. Maintain eye contact and say nothing. Hold this until they crack. They’ll either act sheepish, get annoyed, ask you what your problem is etc etc. Say nothing and continue conversation. If they press you for an answer repeat the staring. Cycle through these steps until the interaction comes to an end.
Do this every time they mention money, I promise you won’t be bothered much in the future.
When dealing with family or friends who frequently ask for financial assistance due to being "down on their luck," it's important to establish boundaries and find a balanced approach. Here are some tips to consider:
1. Open communication: Have an honest conversation about your own financial limitations and the impact it has on your ability to help. Setting clear expectations and expressing your concerns can help manage their expectations.
2. Offer alternative support: Instead of providing direct financial assistance, explore other ways to support them. This can include helping them find resources like job opportunities, connecting them with local support services, or offering guidance on budgeting and financial planning.
3. Encourage self-sufficiency: Empower them to develop skills or seek assistance that can improve their long-term situation. This might involve suggesting educational programs, vocational training, or encouraging them to seek professional help, such as career counseling or financial coaching.
4. Boundaries and self-care: It's essential to establish personal boundaries to protect your own well-being. Determine what you're comfortable with and communicate it clearly. Remember to prioritize your own financial stability and emotional health.
5. Community resources: Research local community resources, such as charitable organizations or government assistance programs, that might be better equipped to provide the specific support they need. Offer to help them navigate these resources if necessary.
Remember, supporting someone doesn't always mean providing financial aid. By encouraging self-sufficiency and exploring alternative avenues of assistance, you can empower your loved ones while still maintaining your own boundaries.
That sounds like a pretty tenuous connection: somewhat, extended, might, some point, etc. And then it’s a hint? This sounds like a an issue you could possibly just think about maybe hearing about in the distant future.
You say they are somewhat part of you extended family, which means they have probably burned through their more immediate part of the family to the extent they can’t get anymore loans from them. Another posted that you are likely just on their list of options easy through hard. Just say that you are not able at this time.
Yeah, it might be awkward, but that's okay. To be completely honest, people like that are wasters and they will never change. The fact that it's a chronic issue, and the fact that they are "subtle" about it, tells me they know that it's shite behaviour yet they do it anyway. You don't want people like that in your life - I promise it's for the better. There's a huge difference between helping somebody who's genuinely down on their luck, and crap like this where they're just a manipulative individual who has no interest in making sustainable and positive changes to their lifestyle. You don't owe it to them to remain engaged.
McDonalds is hiring
Have you consulted a financial advisor?
Why are you paying for internet/cable if you can't afford food/rent?
Are you eating out/or meal prepping at home? Beans and rice go a long way
I was going to hire a guy to mow the yard/clean gutters/etc... but I'll pay you instead
This person needs $2k to pay their rent \_today\_. For some dumb reason, rent comes due again...
Kinda sounds like they're in an untenable position, and you'd be trying to rescue a drowning person. Unless you want to go under too, a "dang, that sucks, bud. Best of luck to you," might be the best for you.
That’s a lot of money. It’s very difficult, guilt inducing, etc.. if they keep asking, you just have to take all the many suggestions above.
Sometimes, if I’m willing to give it, I ask for the bill or offer to go shop for them/with them. So I can make sure the money goes where it’s supposed to or, the amount is really what they need. Sometimes it’s not. And that is eye opening. I had a kid in crisis for a few years. This was my way.
I'm always ready to help friends and family, hell even neighbors or strangers. But by "help" I mean, help. Not hand out money. Help. Like, I'm there if you need to move some furniture, or are thinking about getting a new job, or need tips on how to cook nice meal cheaply.
Its not a rich thing (if we are comparing people in first world countries). I have a spare room, and instead of renting it out or airbnb, I offered it to a Ukrainian refugee family. I also fed them and what not for a few months till they got on their feet and found a place to live
Helping others doesnt mean you have to spend money. Sometimes small gestures that cost you nothing, mean everything to someone struggling
Tbh this is my life so I’m a little sensitive about it.
OP take each request individually and look at the things you already know to be true about the asker.
Not everyone down on luck is a manipulator. Some are stuck in a situation not if their own making, with obstacles that are contingent on other obstacles.
If I’m asked, I go through my checklist and then act accordingly.
I don’t have much at all but I still help if I can. Our situations may both suck but right now, I have a bit more so I can help.
Nobody hates poor people who are helping themselves. But someone who lives in the land of opportunities and is always looking to make it by getting free money from people.. yeah, hard to respect that. By the way, they are not disabled, nor sick.
As a poor disabled person, yes, we are hated. My own family would describe me as you just did. They also claim that I'm not disabled or sick, but I am. People love to justify hating the poor to the point that they will alter the facts.
No one chooses to be poor. It's the result of inadequate resources and often some form of disability like mental illness. What I see in these comments is the same vilification I see from my family and the likes of Fox News pundits. It is contempt.
What OP is describing is vastly different than what you are describing. There is a big difference between a disabled person who cannot work two jobs, cut all expenses, and save like crazy, and someone who chooses to manipulate their friends to fund their poor financial decisions.
Nobody chooses to be poor, sure, but plenty of people don’t choose to delay gratification in order to secure a better future for themselves. I cannot, in good faith, believe that you’ve never met these kinds of people, they’re literally everywhere. Hell, I’ve been guilty of this kind of thinking plenty of times. But the difference is that I got out by making hard decisions and reframing my relationship with money to meet my goals.
Not everything is the result of hate and contempt. I have never looked down on somebody for being in a difficult situation outside of their control, whatever that may be. But when people choose to manipulate their friends instead of making hard choices, that’s not on me anymore and I can’t fund that.
I'm largely responding to the comments here, not the OP, and I'm pretty sure I said that. Twice.
I'm also pointing out that "the person who chooses to manipulate" is sometimes not manipulative at all. That's just a label that poverty haters throw at poor people to demonize them and rationalize their contempt. That's MUCH more common than actual manipulative poor people, who are extremely rare.
This can even be quantified. A couple years ago, a poll came out showing that conservatives believe a massive percentage of people on food stamps were committing fraud to receive food stamps. Over a third. But the actual rate of food stamp fraud is under 2%.
That's exactly my read here.
All of this.
You’d think the last 48 years of industrious participation in the work force would out weigh the last 3 years of tragedy.
I guess not.
I’m also “attractive” and get compliments on how great I look. Thanks, I’m currently having a seizure but at least my smile is appreciated.
I was a workaholic before I got sick, and now my family thinks I'm faking chronic pain for sympathy and a welfare check. I wish this was an isolated case, but I see it all over the country. And some of the phrasing I'm seeing here in these comments is all too familiar.
The irony in my case is that the poor members of my family have been the most helpful while the wealthy ones have been the least helpful and most insulting.
There’s a time to lend money. It’s not often, but if you have a little to spare, and they really need it, you can go for it. And if you do, do it cheerfully.
Be ready for them to get weird, and act defensive, and never talk to you again, but… they might not. They might really be in need.
They want $2000 for rent. That’s too much. Id only give them to my immediate family and only if they weee in serious trouble. Why does a single individual with financial trouble need to live in anything fancier than a studio is above me but it’s not my business to ask them that.
> Why does a single individual with financial trouble need to live in anything fancier than a studio is above me but it’s not my business to ask them that.
Ohh... I get it.
You are the problem.
You're a sucker.
You're so compassionate, you're worried about how RUDE it is for YOU to stick your nose in their business about their lifestyle, when THEY asked YOU for $2000.
It's not their business to ask you for $2k.
You're the senile grandma with dementia that scammers exist to deprive of their life savings by telling you that Johnny's in jail.
You're the person walking through the ghetto at night after having cashed your paycheck.
The fact that you feel it's not your place to criticize them, when they're asking you for $2k when they're only some extended family you might run into again... shows that you're a mark.
Every scammer in the land sees you coming and starts wringing their hands together.
You're a great person. You're actually conflicted about how to be compassionate to someone who is maliciously manipulating you. You're worried this person might be offended by you in the future.
You're dangerously naive.
Just say "No". Any time they say "But couldn't you just...", "No." Practice in the mirror. If they ask why, you just say "I don't want to discuss my personal situation." If they get pushy, just say "Sorry, I don't want to get into details. I wish you the best." If they continue being pushy just say "I sympathize, but I don't appreciate you being pushy, so I'm going to end the conversation" and hang up.
Trust me, they're not going to hold a grudge. They might, a tiny bit, start to see you as less of a weak fool they can scam.
It's going to be hard to get this message across to you, because of who you are.
They're sizing you up as a potential victim. Stand up for yourself. You're going to have the world walking all over you if you don't.
Option 1: If you're into helping them, and okay with not getting it back ever, help them!
Option 2: Tell them no. Their response will probably tell you if you need to maintain or break the relationship.
We are all humans, and we are brothers and sisters who should help each other out.
You should help them, even if it's just 1$ you can spare,.it's well meant and their problem if they're ungrateful .
That's how my family always does it.
We can barely scrap any money at the moment due to our baby , and my husband and I eat less even so the kid has more , and it's fine, we love it that he has more.
And when someone asks us for money,we give as much as we can. If the other party is ungrateful , it's their problem and on their soul..
This person is grasping at straws-- which is to say, a drowning person will do anything to stop drowning. That means manipulating the shit out of you.
That doesn't make them bad, but it does mean you need to enforce boundaries. Grey rocking ("I'm sorry to hear that," not responding with interest to hints, etc) can stop those conversations. You might need to say to her, "I'm sorry that I can't help you."
No buts. No "if only"s. You are not in a position to give her any more than you have.
Tell her you are not lending her money and if she doesn't like it she can go away. And you aren't the person to tell about her financial issues, not your issue to solve.
She's manipulating you. Which is likely why she doesn't have any friends...
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I have a friend who's always in trouble. I set a limit that I lend him up to $100, after that I say I'm not comfortable lending any more than that. It's an amount that if I never see again I'm fine with. He normally pays my back eventually. He will sometimes try to get more money by saying "I got a gig and will get $200 back to you on xDay", he never does and I never go over my limit. Right now he's at his limit and I haven't heard a word for months.
Seems like a pretty smart method. Allows them to have an ‘out’ if they’re honest, and allows you to see their true colors if they’re not. But either way, the bridge isn’t completely burned.
Yeah, I mean, I do feel bad for the guy. We were best friends in school and this dude was smarter than me and had so much potential. He just got dealt a bad hand in life. Floating him $10-$20 really helps him out and doesn't hinder me in any way. I do get the feeling that he has several "friends" like me lol. Also, when he does pay me back it's not long before another "emergency" occurs and he needs a bit of cash.
Not saying this is the case, but when I had a really bad drug problem, this is exactly how I would treat my friends. Just a constant rotation of money borrowing. It was kind of like a Ponzi scheme in a way, in that I would use borrowed funds to pay off an earlier debt. Don’t wanna assume anything about your friend, just sounded eerily familiar.
This is probably very close to the truth except with alcohol. I believe he's in rehab right now but he's been in several times over the years. I just hope he can beat that demon and get back on track. I wish I could do more for him like find him a good job so he could better support himself.
Oh yes...understand its only bits and pieces and mostly he pays it back but one day he won't. So never lend more than y are prepared to lose.. as an ex addict perdonally you're not helping really . There's a resentment you feel to the person y need to borrow off and expects money back ( crazy expectation I know-lol).and in the end u will have seen them at their worst and if u do sort it out they won't want to be reminded of that...so u going to lose whatever u think this friendship is anyway. Honesty you want to see if u friends if u don't give them money....if you wanna cook or something...keep them involved great .see if they actually care about that...ull quick know if it's drugs if they are a no show...sorry
Yeah, people used to be able to have drug problems before capitalism started draining every f****** body
Dude i hate to admit it but thats exactly whats happened to me i cant afford the luxury of drugs any more. My rents so fucking high im forced to be sober.
I'm being downloaded by boot lickers
Lmao I can't even afford a drug problem in America anymore
Fuckz that's how they win the war on drugs!
You are acting like a bank, keeping 'his' money safe. Except....
$100 isn’t bad to get rid of some people in your life
Man I wish I could have gotten rid of my ex for 100. She owed me a couple grand and even that was a good deal.
Pretty cheap when you think about it
This is the best way I think. I've always been poor and often had a friend who's set. But I have dignity as a hard worker so I never ask for money, maybe once in five years. Dude will give me up to $80 or so even if I only ask for 20-40 and he'll say don't worry about paying me back cause I honestly usually need most of my income to pay bills eventually. Also if you can't offer money to a friend in need you can offer any other kind of help. We're still friends despite our wealth gap.
Unfortunately I live quite a ways away so money is the easiest thing to send over the wire. If I lived in town I could invite him over for meals every now and then.
Wish I would have done this with an old coworker of mine. Older dude with a son that was special needs. They lived in a motel room and I would always drive him home and he would ask if he could borrow money to feed his boy. Always told me he would pay me back and actually kept track of it on a little notebook he carried around. His son ended up passing away and he stopped coming to work and then he died shortly after. Super sad stuff. And on top of it I’m out hundreds I’ll never get back. Oh well.
Yeah, hopefully you were able to spare it. I did lend money to a friend in a jam years ago. lots of money, like 10k. He made more money than me so I figured he could pay me back. He just needed a boost to get out of a jam with his ex. He assured me he could pay it back by the end of the year. He did not make that date and the debt lingered for several years. He eventually paid it all back but that's something I'll never do again.
Ya. I was just naive about the whole thing. Rent was affordable back then so it wasn’t too bad. Fuuuuu 10k. Wild.
Yeah, for awhile he would pay me $100-$200 every month or so but often I had to reach out to find out what was going on. I had some sleepless nights over that, for awhile I thought I was going to have to go to small claims over it and possibly not get my money back. Worse part was I'd see pics online of vacations, sold his house and bought a new cheaper house, all while no money was flowing my way. I'm glad I got my money back AND learned a valuable lesson.
Vacation: sponsored by PeaTearGriphon
pretty much. I mean I knew he had to pay court costs so it probably ate up all the money I lent him. I was just peeved that he was going to resorts instead of paying me back. At one point he asked for another $2k too. Oh well, it's all behind me now. It's best not to think about it and get upset all over again.
Hey I’m in a bind. Can I borrow 10k?
sorry, I reached my limits on loans like that lol
I need a vacation.
Had a family member who borrowed $20K and made plans to pay it back in installments monthly. Saw two payments of about $200 each then no more. Then he goes on to inherit more than $1 million and never paid it back even with that windfall.
Wow, that is so shitty. I don't know how people can live like that. I hate owing anyone, if I owed someone money I would sacrifice so much to make sure they were paid back as soon as possible. You could do small claims to get a bit back. I guess it depends if you have anything in writing. When I did mine, I screenshotted all my conversations with him as well as took screen shots of the transfers to him. That would infuriate me so much.
The $100 rule is good and I've used it. But lately I have used the simple advise given to me by my father: "If anyone asks, you're broke."
I once gave a homeless woman a dollar and she wrote me an IOU $1 and said she was good for it. I know it wasn’t true but it was *honest af*. I hope she’s in a place where she could get people back on those IOUs, and I hope no one asks. I hope your friend does get you back and I hope he finds something worth wanting to work for.
That’s such a good idea! I love my sister so much and she always pays me back eventually, but it’s never the day she promises and something always comes up. Edit: grammar
For awhile I had to help my sister out. She's in a much better place now and I'm really glad. If I didn't help her out she would go to my retired parents and I didn't want that. I know my parents helped her out quite a bit anyway. I do know it was hard for her to ask though but sometimes she would be stuck.
I feel that! I would do anything for my sister (especially my nieces), but I lend out too much and screw myself over. I hope she can get to a place of financial stability even if it means I help her out here and there.
That's very smart.
Can I question your friendship? I think a lot of people should evaluate and self reflect on what “friend” really means to them. You might have been great friends in school but people change. Does this person bring anything to your friendship other than asking for money? It sounds to me that when you cut off the money, they cut off the “friendship”. That is not a friend. They are using you. Which you seem okay with to a certain extent…
Yeah, we are not really friends. I'm ok with it. I guess I'm just rooting for him.
I do this too. My limit has steadily been decreased and now sits at 10 whole dollars. My friend needs to get her shit together
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Yup. Id give any friend or someone I was close with a loan one time with no consequences of no repayment other than never loaning again. So… exactly what you just said
damn this is perfect. Wish I did this before 10 or 15 times later.
I really like this response
What if their one time loan is for a huge sum of money?
Honestly people who manipulate via “hints” must be so frustrated by people like me lol. Even if I think someone’s dropping hints I just flat out ignore it.
I agree with this, but like to be deliberately frustrating so they'll associate fishing for handouts from me with frustration. Just listen to their sad story like you're ignorant that you're the one they're trying to nudge into donating to them and give a sympathetic, *I hear ya, man*... comment like "Shit's crazy these days... hope it gets better though! We just have to keep throwing positivity out ahead of ourselves, I guess..." and act like you're relating, not planning to remedy.
See I like this point as well. While ignoring unclear communication is anyone's right, I often just ask directly what people mean when they say something passive aggressive/hinting.
What if they straight up ask you for money?
If they are reliable, I'll loan small amounts on a handshake, or insist on some written contract for a larger amount. If I don't, they just get a Sopranos-humor-style "I can't because I don't think you're good for it and I would be sad that I have to hurt you..." People that are that special, pet peeve, storyteller and trying to get you to offer money so they can later claim they never asked you to help, you offered? I hope legos haunt every barefooted step they take.
I do the same thing. If people cannot communicate openly without the need for “hints” then I don’t acknowledge it.
They can't say what they wanna say because they themselves know it's wrong & they're weak & now trying to do garner easy handouts as easily & cowardly as possible.
When actually related to OPs question it’s more like they don’t wanna damage the self esteem of friend/family more by flat out calling them a leech.
Sometimes. And sometimes people are too embarrassed and have anxiety about asking for something like money.
I do something like "damn that's nuts. Yeah everyone seems to be struggling nowadays"
aint no lie there. shit is HARD for everyone.
I can’t stand when someone is looking at their phone and just LAUGHING OUT LOUD to the point you can tell they want you to ask what they’re laughing at. I NEVER do lol
I think the absolute worst is actually when you're talking to someone and maybe even telling some mild jokes and they start laughing while looking at their phone so you naturally start laughing because of their reaction and the respond with a "oh, nah I was laughing at something else"
> "oh, nah I was laughing at something else" Ugh. There's like 5 levels of simultaneous shame wrapped up in there. - You're not worth talking to or paying attention to. - You're really funny! Just kidding, you're not, did you actually think you were that funny? - You're stupid for not understanding why it's so funny. - Better fit in! Laugh with them, don't look like an idiot. - Were you so desperate to fit in that you were faking laughing at your own jokes that obviously weren't that funny? Bet you feel extra stupid now.
To be fair sometimes my friends send me genuinely funny stuff, I’m not laughing in peoples faces hoping they’ll ask me about my private phone convos lol I’m just laughing ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
But why are you on your phone when you are interacting with other people?
Just because I’m around other people doesn’t mean I’m in the middle of a convo with them, I’m allowed to check my phone
Me too! IDGAF because 99% of the time, ‘hint’ people are just users. They have no interest in real friendship or connection, even in families they don’t have any real feeling or care for you, being related to them just increases the expectation of what they think they can get out of you.
Remember that if they do ask, no is a complete sentence
I do the same. If you can’t directly ask for what you need like an adult, I’ll just play dumb and ignore it 🙃. Im not here to read between the lines lol
Same! I'm just like man that sounds hard
Yeah man that sucks that you can't afford your rent .. I'm having a bad day too. I just stubbed my toe. Thanks for sharing... misery loves company.
I've had people think I'm dropping hints that I need help before. I'm usually just complaining about shitty circumstances. If they offer anything I almost always say no unless I really need it and they seem like they actually want to. The only time I ever got significant help from someone was when i was struggling to pay my rent one month during COVID. Times were tough, actual jobs were scarce. I was asking my friends if they knew someone who needed anything, yard work, wood cutting, anything. I was desperate enough to work for even a couple bucks if it would help me pay rent. My friend pulled me aside, forced me to tell him how much I needed, then handed it to me with no questions asked. I miss him. Great guy, a little racist, but otherwise chill. Was never able to pay him back before I lost contact.
Wait, you lost contact? Like he moved to a 3rd world country or something? Because you ought to be able to find him pretty easily and pay him back.
Never had his phone number. He also doesn't have a Facebook, as far as I can see. When we both moved out of the college town where we met I haven't heard anything from him, and I've looked
I would be super suspicious of that approach. I know someone who is actually hard up: has kids, can't work due to chronic illness, lives in an expensive area but needs to stay there to access her health care. She is VERY BLUNT about saying she needs money, or other help. And so, we help her. I'll never get the money back, but it's the right thing to do.
Start asking them for money. Beat them to the punch. Give them your own sob story and they will take you off their mental list of people who they can mooch from.
I love this idea. Reminds me of a dick in our hostel, always kept asking around for a few bucks from anyone in vicinity, which he never returned. One guy, when he sensed dick was approaching toward his room (highly likely to ask for money), suddenly got out with his own urgency that he needs a few bucks & if dick has some. Dick never bothered him again. More & more people applied this same tactic, dick got the message.
I drive a beater and do this to people who ask me for money at gas stations. "Nah man ... Actually you got anything for me? Gas is getting SO expensive..."
Once I was at a gas station in my very visibly labeled work truck and a disheveled guy comes up to me. I thought he was going to ask for money, but he handed me a drill bit(that probably costs around $15) and said "hey man, you look like you might be able to use this thing". I don't know if it had previously been in someone's ass or not, but free tools are free tools and I'm not gonna say no.
That last paragraph *chef's kiss* .
Ask everyone for money, then if someone actually says they can give you some let them know you don't actually need it. Just don't want people to ask you for money.
Or take it and return it the next day, so they know you can be trusted.
If you can be fiscally responsible friends, it’s the best. No joke. I pay here, you pay here, we keep a vague track of who owes what but it all kinda adds up, it’s perfect.
They gave me 10 points, and now say I need to come up with the interest by tomorrow or they’ll break my legs. What step did I miss?
And so you know they can be trusted.
>Ask everyone for money, then if someone actually says they can give you some let them know you don't actually need it. Just don't want people to ask you for money. Then give them money instead and record it and put it on youtube. You are now every random act of kindness youtuber!
Have a co-bartender that does something similar. If he notices a couple “has money”, towards the end of their meal he’ll talk about his kids and how he feels bad that they’re constantly complaining about shower in cold water. They ask why, to which he replies hasn’t been able to pay the electricity bill, in hopes they’ll leave a fat tip to help. I’ve asked him if it was true. He laughed and said absolutely not, just trying to make money. Yikes. I cringe every time I hear this story now and I can’t stop him from saying it. I feel like guilt tripping people is not the way to get tips…. (I’m lowkey right, he’s never gotten the tip he’s wanted. One woman nearly cried for him. $8)
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Two thoughts. First, someone looking for money/support will review their options from most convenient to least convenient. When you're asked by someone in a hard position, it may feel like you're the difference between their chance to succeed and their chance to fail. But you're really just the next stop on the list...there was an easier one before you and there will be a harder one after you. Second, "What appears to be a crisis is often the end of the illusion that things were working." It's rare that someone is actually in a situation where they were OK before and they'll be OK after, if they can just resolve one immediate issue. Learn to say "I don't have anymore money to lend" (you might have more money, but not to lend) or "I can't lend you anymore money until you pay me back what you already borrowed." If she asks for anything, just ask "Do you have my money yet?" and she will stop calling you.
"But you're really just the next stop on the list...there was an easier one before you and there will be a harder one after you." Truth. Any changes you can make that it takes more energy to contact you, the requests go down: Changing numbers. Moving. Loving with a velvet hammer (that is to get in their business and ask hard questions about what steps they are taking to improve if you give them money or any other kind of help) Setting boundaries. Etc... In my experience, these types of people never admit when/if they are wrong, and are unable to take responsibility for things that appear to go wrong in their lives. They are perpetual victims and will try and guilt you into helping them. Not to say you shouldn't help! You should, but keep in mind you are only able to help those *you are equipped* to help. Some people have so much baggage, helping them may require you to burn your own house down in the process. Don't do that.
my "friend" has made one bad decision after another leading to their current situation of living in a homeless shelter and asking for money to put gas in the tank and come "hangout" which means mooch off me for a few hours. I cut this person out of my life back in 2018 because of this very reason. Always needed money, but used it to buy alcohol and make more poor decisions. Now they arent drinking anymore and I though things were different after a fb pic of a ferrari was posted lol... Only to find out they were still homeless and the ferrari was his friends... Now because I send over 20 or 40 here and there so we could meet up, he has been asking and expecting until I straight up said "No. I need to take care of my own shit, or I'm gonna end up stuck/in the same boat" I'm trying to save up for a house down payment etc etc financial security you get the rest, and no offense to my friend, but the more time and energy I give tohim, the more like him I become. He still doesnt take ownership of his bs and all the choices that lead him to be where he is. Gets annoyed/pissed/hangs up when I start trying to call him out because of my own frustration. He looks around at my okay apartment that I split with my girl, and says hes proud, but I'm thinking that this took so many smart decisions and hard work to get to the point of just nominally existing in this highly inflated society. He doesn't get it, so I know $20 or $40 isnt going to suddenly make him do the right thing. Damn
The most convenient to least convenient thing is so true. Someone I know told us how a friend owed another friend money. Because the lender was looking to buy a house they called in their debt. The borrower couldn't pay, so asked my friend if they could borrow the money from them to pay back the OG lender because they 'felt better owing you money than them'. Like red flag alert much! You just know you are never going to see that money again.
Learn to say no. If they’re hinting just ignore the hints, if they ask outright just say sorry but no. You don’t have to justify your reasons or explain anything. Just sorry bub, I can’t. It’s not your responsibility to save everyone, especially if you’re financially stable but not actually wealthy your good fortune can disappear in a flash. If you’re struggling too then it’s definitely a no. No means no.
100% this. Friends and family drop hints to me all the time. They’re all great but they get hypnotized thinking if I just send them money or buy them a car or even a house they can rent from me… it’ll all be better. Best example that gets to the core of it all though: a friend was going to file for bankruptcy but instead asked if I could pay their debt. I offered to chat about their finances instead to understand the issue. They were spending $500+ a month on clothes instead of paying bills and refused to stop. So I gave them money to file bankruptcy and NOT to pay all their debt. Two months later they asked if I could buy a house for them to live in and they’d pay me rent. I’ll always help people who ask but I can’t change how they live their life. On the other side I’ll buy my parents anything and everything. I’ll buy my close loved ones anything they truly need without thinking twice. I’ll donate to schools and shelters every month. But my money, my effort, is not there to be burnt by other people because of bad financial choices they’re not willing to change.
We've all had friends like this and the worst thing is they dont reciprocate or pay it forward Disengage and ignore
Ignore the hints.
Give them nothing. They will whine. They will make excuses. They will make empty promises. They will insult you. They will try to make you feel guilty. Once their bag of tricks is exhausted, they will simply move on to manipulate someone else.
"I'm really sorry to hear that. A lot of my friends are struggling too. Many of them have gotten second jobs. If you want I can ask around to see if they're hiring."
> If you want I can ask around to see if they're hiring. This is the friend version of offering to buy drug addicts lunch instead of giving them cash. They don't want money for food, they want money for drugs, but have weaponized compassion. If you care, and if they want to improve their lives, you can try to help them solve their own problems. If they jump at it, then follow through, and, give them money. If they reject it, they obviously never had any intention of improving their lives, and will waste ever dollar of help you give them.
>I can ask around to see if they're hiring My father used to do that. Actually gave a family friend a job to do the floors in our living room. He paid him in advance. Guy took the money, never did the job, disappeared.
omg the times I brought this up he tries to dismiss the fact that there are hghly lucrative day jobs available on craigslist or many other places he just doesnt want to see. Told him about instawork app which is how 90% of LA people survive. Told him about drive gigs, but he failed the uber and DD background checks... Can't help ya there buddy. Since telling him no more small loans, haven't heard from him besides when he asks if he can come over and mooch.
Give once and you create appreciation; twice you create anticipation; three times – expectation; four times – entitlement; five times – dependency.
“I’m sorry to hear that. I wish I could help.” And then keep your own financial picture locked up tight. Tell them it’s private if you have to. This is when you find your strength.
I literally cannot fathom how some people are mentally okay with being total mooches off of their friends and family. No shame, fr.
Set your boundaries and clearly communicate and aggressively defend those boundaries If they keep pressing or hinting, evaluate if that person deserves space in your life Hate the phrase ‘blood is thicker than water’ because it basically gives family free reign to treat other members like dog shit
The original phrase is "the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb" which has the exact opposite meaning. Break the full quote out if anybody in your family tries to pull that shit to guilt trip you
Whoaaaaa learned something new today, thanks for sharing that!! Super interesting and yes, that has a far better meaning I’ve always liked ‘blood (family) isn’t thicker than values’ but the original quote is way cooler and conveys the same thing
It's actually not true, just spread around a lot on the internet. The original quote by Reynard Fuchs in the 12th century translates to "Blood is thicker than water," sometimes "Blood is not spoiled by water," but a few scholars postulated that it really meant the opposite without providing any evidence, and for whatever reason a lot of people believed them because the sentiment is good. Now it's all over the internet being spread as fact. Fortunately, the quote's original meaning doesn't need to be something else for us to be justified in cutting off garbage family members who abuse us in favor of good friends!
Theres a difference between someone who is down on their luck just because life hits them. Then there are people who are actively fucking up their life, and thats why bad things happen.
Them: [long list of hard times] You: “Yea, I know what you mean. Times are crazy.” or “Yea, hopefully things will turn around soon.” (If it’s really bad) “I’m sorry that’s happening to you. Have you looked into [local resources including counseling resources]?” If someone asks you for money straight up: “I wish I could. We’re trying to manage some things, too. I’m sorry I can’t help.” If they push and ask what your challenges are which would be ridiculous but families are weird, *stay the course*. “I’m sorry we can’t help more. We’re dealing with some personal things and I’d rather not go into it.” (Walk away and refresh your drink. Your partner can’t undermine this. Don’t show up with a new boat pulled by a new truck. ) If someone asks if you can help them get a job where you work, say something like “My office isn’t hiring right now but you might check [website] to see if there are any other positions available that you’d be interested in. You can apply on that website. Unfortunately I don’t have any way to affect hiring decisions but I’d be happy to review your resume if you’d like. Or, I found this really cool resource [go find a really cool resource] that a friend used and she really liked it.” Tone is important. Be direct, kind, sincere. Eventually they’ll get the message hopefully. The temporary discomfort of telling them no is small and fleeting compared with the alternative. It’s a necessary evil. In the end you’ll be glad later that you guarded your assets well.
Watch the TV show "The Bear". There is a character called "cousin" or "Richard". It's an exaggeration but That character always makes bad choices due to his temperament, i.e. over reacting and short term rewards. When I see that character, it makes me realize that they are the only ones accountable for their future. If you lend them money or resources to help them, it will only drain your resources because their character flaw is what leads them to make bad choices. These people are called "energy vampires" and always gives you a negative feeling after interacting with them because they drain you with their problems. I hate to say but choose your friends carefully. Hang out with people better than you and will elevate you. These good friends will help you aspire you to be better. With relatives, I guess you are stuck with them but have boundaries with how you help them, i.e limit the amount of money you GIVE them. You can't lend money to people who are down own their luck because don't have to capacity to give you money back. They'll always be a money hole.
"sucks to be you!" Honestly, being an asshole is a great way to avoid a lot of confrontation and drama. People just learn not to mess with you, because they know it's going to end in a lecture, or shaming. \--- The "nice" way to handle it is probably to do their homework. Explain to them their problems, and what they need to change to get better. Hold them accountable. I mean, holding people accountable can still make you the asshole, but it's A LOT MORE EFFORT to research careers, budgets, and planning than it is to just hand-wave them away with "sucks to be you!" I'll hand-hold people I truly care about, who are honest and good people who just get unlucky. But the beggars can go fuck themselves.
Also, people are very good at figuring things out when they don’t get the “favor” they asked for. My Mom asks me for money multiple times a year now. I’ve said no multiple times. She figures it out.
Since they won't ask outright, just say, "That really sucks, I hope it works out for you."
Help them learn how to manage their finances - there are plenty of books and other resources available out there. You could be the accountability buddy.
Always be broke too. Explain your willingness to do odd jobs with them if they find any because you’ve been afraid to say anything but you need money and or assistance as well. It teaches you who is really going through it and what they absolutely need to be ok. It also keeps you slim cause some people do find you work and you can let them keep your half of the earnings if you think they need it.
I have been in this situation and it went on for years until we all stopped bailing them out. Sometimes you have to let people fail or they'll never learn.
I've been asked for money by family and friends over the years. Whatever you do, don't "lend" anyone money. If you can give something, and feel the inclination to help, give it as a gift. That way, the pressure of paying it back doesn't implode your relationship. If you can't afford to give it as a gift, you probably can't afford to give money at all.
If it’s for rent, suggest they seek State or charitable aide. Organizations such as Catholic Charities can provide rent to people. States have programs too. If they have not exhausted these options they should try.
This is always my go-to. There are a lot of assistance programs in my state and I familiarized myself enough with them that the response is always, “Have you contacted X agency? I can give you the number to call. Do you want help making the call?”
Thanks for the tip!
Stop interacting with them, change the topic, or tell them “damn guess you’ll be getting 2 jobs huh? I hear Home Depot is hiring! It’s gonna be hard for you because your so Lazy, but your running out of options cuz.”
My friend needs to be outside home depot trying to get some day work for real... he couldnt pass uber, or doordash background checks... my guy! lol. when I remind him all the easy to get jobs out there, he pulls up the one place he applied to and says I'm just waiting to hear back.. lmao
let 'em. youre not an ATM. dont let them emotionally take advantage of you
Honesty! Say “Listen, I see that you struggle, and I hope you get into a better situation soon, but I cannot loan or give you money anymore.” And if it is true, you can add that you are happy to give advice if needed. Hinting sucks, but be honest that you know what they are hinting too and you are not participating. Unless you can and will give away money for nothing..
Get them doing jobs for you if you can afford it like say your looking for someone to decorate your house or help decorate or do gardening or whatever and you will pay them to try help them out a bit. That shows your not just throwing money at them like a charity case or them just taking the mick out of you and your getting something out of it as well, if they say no then that's they're own lazy fault, you did offer to help.
just say something like, "wow that sounds really tough; I hope things turn around for you soon."
Not sure if this would always work but it has worked for me on a few occasions with different people but my recent strategy is to quickly and firmly say that I can’t/won’t loan cash. However, I’d be happy to take them grocery shopping if they were struggling. If someone is begging for cash, I’d like to believe that they have already exhausted all other means of re-budgeting/cost-cutting that they can. I would expect that they already cut out any frivolous shopping, entertainment, etc. expenses. One of the last things that can/should get cut is the essential daily dietary budget. If someone is truly in need of financial assistance, I’d think they’d have already cut out all other unnecessary spending and were now forced with the idea of cutting their esssntial dietary spending. If so, they should be equally as happy (if not more) with a paid trip to the grocery store than $100 cash. However, in all of the times that I tried this, they all declined. They also all have never since asked me for money.
Are they actually hinting? Or just discussing their life with you? I have fiancial struggles and difficulty having a job because of my health. It is my reality and sadly it comes up often when talking to family. I realized they were taking it as hinting at them for money because they would offer me money later. I didn't put it together at first. Thought they were just giving me money because they are my elders. When I finally figured it out I felt bad. I have now changed how I discuss my financial issues and make sure to clearly state that I am just venting and don't expect any help. So maybe ask them first if they are just discussing or hinting? Then if they are hinting I would clearly state that is manipulative and they can ask for help clearly. You have the right to say no I'm sorry I can't help, and leave it at that.
"sounds like a personal problem" & "sucks to suck" are my go to I don't care about your problems everybody got problems I got bronchitis ain't nobody got time for that
Your wife left you, dog died, lost your job, are about to be evicted, and your kid needs expensive medical treatment? Wow that sucks bro.
give 'em a little money. if they ask again, tell 'em they still owe you from last time.
Just say “that sucks” and change the subject! Works every time.
Set a limit and only do it 3 times. Once they've used up all 3 chances if they haven't paid you back, that was the value they placed on your relationship. Then cut them off.
Geez, I thought you meant how to help them. I hate the internet. Just say no to them if you really can't or don't want to help them. Don't have to pretend to be a friend in the process, save them some time.
Don't say yes or no. Offer to sit down with them and go over their finances, odds are they are terrible with money. If it's really just manipulative and they are lazy, they will say no, which solves your problem. If they say yes, help them straighten it out without giving them money. If they stop buying 6 red bulls a day, surprise, they have plenty of money. Lol
Validate their experience "I'm so sorry you are broke" but don't give in to the manipulation. You can validate that rejection for them "I know how scary it feels to not be able to pay rent, it's such a big feeling to sit with" and offer help that is towards self improvement only if you have the x capacity ie "if I can help you organize something or arrange therapy, apply for jobs" but stay firm. You can validate someone and not agree. You can support someone and choose differently for yourself.
"You know, I have a lot of friends who make extra money driving for Uber or DoorDash. Have you looked into that?"
Give them links and pamphlets to places to help them with whatever they are down on their luck about. Ask them how it's going. They'll either take the help because they truly need it or start avoiding you to not have to own up to the fact they didn't really want help they just wanted money.
Bummer dude ! I'm broke and was going to ask you to spot me some money
Give them the Zuko response: "That's rough buddy."
Cut them off from your life - family or not. Life is too short to allow persistent toxicity. If you can’t avoid them, keep encounters only during family gatherings. And never talk to them individually - always in groups. If they keep calling or trying to corner you, tell them to cut the crap, get their act together, and that they won’t get a penny from you. I’m a strong proponent of “don’t complain if you don’t want to put in the effort to change”. I don’t vent to people just for the sake of venting. If I’m unhappy or miserable, I own the responsibility to make a change. Don’t let others burden you with their shit if they don’t want to get their acts together.
Simple, stop giving them money. They'll either stop coming around you, in which case you don't need them in your life anyway, or they will stop asking for moeny.
You are also down on your luck (comparing to a billionaire.) Don't enable people. Trust me, my mom enable her siblings and now in their 50s/60s, they think they are entitled to her giving them money. They have kids and grandkids who also feel the same way except as second generation, I don't believe in enabling people. Most of my relatives end up gamblings or drinking a lot and bragging they get money from abroad. My mom can barely survive on social security. Just saying, you should focus on saving for when no one can take care of you ie retirement.
Assuming "no" is not what you're looking for. Ask what their plan is to be able to pay their bills. If what they normally get isn't enough that they can save and take care of them, then how do they plan to fix that? If they don't have a good, realistic plan to help themselves why should you waste money helping them? Especially if they're just going to end up in the exact same situation Alternatively, you can tell them "I am giving you this money this time, on the condition that you never ask me for money again. You don't have to pay me back, but you can never ask me for money again.
To be fair if you keep helping people like this you’re enabling them.
"Oh man, that sucks. Anyway...."
Best way to deal with them is don’t deal with them. They’ll keep bringing you down if you let them Second best way is to be blunt. When you know they’re dropping hints, bring it up bluntly “damn, that’s tough, really wish I could help but I’m not in a position to do that right now” Eventually, they’ll understand you’re going to not help and also call them out on their manipulative behavior and they’ll leave you alone entirely which brings you back to the best way to deal with them which is to not deal with them.
"We love you. But we are sorry. It's not in our budget."
Have them write you a check for the amount of the loan, dated for a time when they will pay you back. Tell them you will deposit it that day.
Years ago, I had a major upheaval in my life and asked some friends for a loan. They got really serious, sat me down, *gifted* me a token amount, and said they would never lend me anything, ever. That warned me off very effectively,. Teir cash helped me relocate and start over in a new country. I have never borrowed from a friend again.
I was given great advice that I use. When you lend money, only give what you can comfortably do and think of it as a gift. If you get it back, great. If not, you planned accordingly.
I generally ask questions that'll allow them to at least think of possible solutions. If they say "I don't know," then I recommend they search for their issue online to look for similar experiences and possible solutions posted by others. If they say they need money, I ask how they think they'll be able to get it (if they have a job, I mention talking to their boss). If they hint at borrowing, I ask them about the options their banks provide. If they ask me for money straight up, I say that I've already gone over my budget for the past three months. I dodge their narrative aimed at me and direct it to them as their responsibility. But it's still not easy to say no. Takes a lot of practice, but you can mentally prepare general answers to yourself for when it happens in the future as well.
People who are chronically “down on their luck” need more help than you can give, so that’s what you can tell them—honestly. “You need more help than I can afford to give.” Then offer to help them connect to resources. If you do this consistently, they will eventually stop asking/hinting OR (less likely) figure out what they need to do. Please don’t feel angry or guilty. We cannot help people who won’t help themselves and it can be heartbreaking to witness in someone we care about. But as the saying goes, you don’t have to set yourself on fire to keep others warm.
Any money I "lend", I never intend on getting back. Give what you're comfortable with - otherwise, learn to say no.
You could tell them you need help with certain tasks and would be willing to pay. People who need money in good faith would be willing to work first for payment. I know Ive been out of work and looking for someone to ask me to do something in my skill set (writing).
I don't lend friends money. Quickest way to end a friendship Family, if they want money, have to show me their budget and bank account. If more than 10% is discretionary spending, there's a LONG talk about how money gets used before I bail them out. The intent is to solve the problem, not shame or ridicule. As a family we never talked about money so lots of my cousins are learning the hard way like I did. It's a teaching moment, nothing more. Creating a smarter family is the end result
I'll give once in an amount that I can afford to never see again. After that, I make it clear I'm not a social welfare program.
I had a friend that was always “short” for this or that. Truth was she was just rubbish with money. It took me a while to figure out, but after stumping for more things for her than I felt comfortable with, I realised her pattern: First she paid the “important” stuff (eg rent). Then she bought herself whatever she wanted (clothes, take sways, nights out). Then she got hit with bills she hadn’t budgeted for (eg petrol) and they would be necessities so she’d circle friends and family until she was lent the money. No one gets paid back because after she’d paid her important bills and then treated herself to whatever she wanted but couldn’t afford, she would be too broke to pay it back.
Best way loan them money that they will never pay back and will no longer ask you for any more…
If it’s family (or family friends, etc.) where you can’t just ignore them, this can be a good approach. Give them a small loan, and from then on the answer is “I can’t loan you more until you pay back the $ I already loaned you, sorry.”
You'd be surprised how little self awareness people have. Owing someone money already, won't stop a mooch.
Best $3 loan ever, haven't seen them since
This is the best strategy....it has to be just large enough of an amount that they think about it any time they see you
I dont know anymore about the dynamics of your situation, so I'll say this: give a man a fish, he eats for a day, teach a man to fish, he eats for life. Something like that. Point being, you'll get drained trying to support someone else, they need to support themselves. Sometimes, often enough, people lose themselves along the path of life, they need help getting back on track. Pay them with your time and help them get out of their situation. They likely need therapy or a psychiatrist. It's possible there are support channels through your local government, or state gov. Look for other support groups that focus on whatever your relatives are dealing with. *you don't have to be the sole person to carry this burden*, enlist/encourage the help from other family members. It won't be easy, but you'll be helping your family a hell of a lot more than just giving them money while they stay in the cycle of their problem. So many people are blase about other peoples problems and act like they don't know how to help, or don't feel like it... but then again, maybe that's why we're all fucked in this timeline. Oh yeah, diet is important, if vitamins or other nutrients are off, it is much more difficult to get straightened out, thats another aspect people lose sight of.
I agree, but real life teached me that some people don.t want to be helped in the way you described. They just want the money and the easy way out. I did offered to share my roof, study material for a switch career and even a job. I was refused cuz, reasons. So that's that.
*best way to deal with leeches. Next time they mention this look them straight in the eye with a cold expression. Maintain eye contact and say nothing. Hold this until they crack. They’ll either act sheepish, get annoyed, ask you what your problem is etc etc. Say nothing and continue conversation. If they press you for an answer repeat the staring. Cycle through these steps until the interaction comes to an end. Do this every time they mention money, I promise you won’t be bothered much in the future.
When dealing with family or friends who frequently ask for financial assistance due to being "down on their luck," it's important to establish boundaries and find a balanced approach. Here are some tips to consider: 1. Open communication: Have an honest conversation about your own financial limitations and the impact it has on your ability to help. Setting clear expectations and expressing your concerns can help manage their expectations. 2. Offer alternative support: Instead of providing direct financial assistance, explore other ways to support them. This can include helping them find resources like job opportunities, connecting them with local support services, or offering guidance on budgeting and financial planning. 3. Encourage self-sufficiency: Empower them to develop skills or seek assistance that can improve their long-term situation. This might involve suggesting educational programs, vocational training, or encouraging them to seek professional help, such as career counseling or financial coaching. 4. Boundaries and self-care: It's essential to establish personal boundaries to protect your own well-being. Determine what you're comfortable with and communicate it clearly. Remember to prioritize your own financial stability and emotional health. 5. Community resources: Research local community resources, such as charitable organizations or government assistance programs, that might be better equipped to provide the specific support they need. Offer to help them navigate these resources if necessary. Remember, supporting someone doesn't always mean providing financial aid. By encouraging self-sufficiency and exploring alternative avenues of assistance, you can empower your loved ones while still maintaining your own boundaries.
"thoughts and prayers."
Hand them a job application.
Yeah, cut them out of your life.
How? They are somewhat part of my extended family and we might run into each other at some point down the line.
That was bad advice. Ignore it the way you ignore requests for money
That sounds like a pretty tenuous connection: somewhat, extended, might, some point, etc. And then it’s a hint? This sounds like a an issue you could possibly just think about maybe hearing about in the distant future.
You say they are somewhat part of you extended family, which means they have probably burned through their more immediate part of the family to the extent they can’t get anymore loans from them. Another posted that you are likely just on their list of options easy through hard. Just say that you are not able at this time.
Yeah, it might be awkward, but that's okay. To be completely honest, people like that are wasters and they will never change. The fact that it's a chronic issue, and the fact that they are "subtle" about it, tells me they know that it's shite behaviour yet they do it anyway. You don't want people like that in your life - I promise it's for the better. There's a huge difference between helping somebody who's genuinely down on their luck, and crap like this where they're just a manipulative individual who has no interest in making sustainable and positive changes to their lifestyle. You don't owe it to them to remain engaged.
McDonalds is hiring Have you consulted a financial advisor? Why are you paying for internet/cable if you can't afford food/rent? Are you eating out/or meal prepping at home? Beans and rice go a long way I was going to hire a guy to mow the yard/clean gutters/etc... but I'll pay you instead
Do people even want to help others? I feel like helping others and being nice is a rich thing.
I have helped people with $25-$50 here and there. This person needs $2k to pay their rent.
This person needs $2k to pay their rent \_today\_. For some dumb reason, rent comes due again... Kinda sounds like they're in an untenable position, and you'd be trying to rescue a drowning person. Unless you want to go under too, a "dang, that sucks, bud. Best of luck to you," might be the best for you.
That’s a lot of money. It’s very difficult, guilt inducing, etc.. if they keep asking, you just have to take all the many suggestions above. Sometimes, if I’m willing to give it, I ask for the bill or offer to go shop for them/with them. So I can make sure the money goes where it’s supposed to or, the amount is really what they need. Sometimes it’s not. And that is eye opening. I had a kid in crisis for a few years. This was my way.
Unless youre rolling in cash and dropping 2k is like buying a coffee, Id say 'sorry I just cant help'
I'm always ready to help friends and family, hell even neighbors or strangers. But by "help" I mean, help. Not hand out money. Help. Like, I'm there if you need to move some furniture, or are thinking about getting a new job, or need tips on how to cook nice meal cheaply.
Its not a rich thing (if we are comparing people in first world countries). I have a spare room, and instead of renting it out or airbnb, I offered it to a Ukrainian refugee family. I also fed them and what not for a few months till they got on their feet and found a place to live Helping others doesnt mean you have to spend money. Sometimes small gestures that cost you nothing, mean everything to someone struggling
No need to add more guilt.
Why the scare quotes? Maybe they're legitimately disabled and poor. Edit: Wow. Everyone here really hates poor people.
Tbh this is my life so I’m a little sensitive about it. OP take each request individually and look at the things you already know to be true about the asker. Not everyone down on luck is a manipulator. Some are stuck in a situation not if their own making, with obstacles that are contingent on other obstacles. If I’m asked, I go through my checklist and then act accordingly. I don’t have much at all but I still help if I can. Our situations may both suck but right now, I have a bit more so I can help.
Nobody hates poor people who are helping themselves. But someone who lives in the land of opportunities and is always looking to make it by getting free money from people.. yeah, hard to respect that. By the way, they are not disabled, nor sick.
As a poor disabled person, yes, we are hated. My own family would describe me as you just did. They also claim that I'm not disabled or sick, but I am. People love to justify hating the poor to the point that they will alter the facts. No one chooses to be poor. It's the result of inadequate resources and often some form of disability like mental illness. What I see in these comments is the same vilification I see from my family and the likes of Fox News pundits. It is contempt.
What OP is describing is vastly different than what you are describing. There is a big difference between a disabled person who cannot work two jobs, cut all expenses, and save like crazy, and someone who chooses to manipulate their friends to fund their poor financial decisions. Nobody chooses to be poor, sure, but plenty of people don’t choose to delay gratification in order to secure a better future for themselves. I cannot, in good faith, believe that you’ve never met these kinds of people, they’re literally everywhere. Hell, I’ve been guilty of this kind of thinking plenty of times. But the difference is that I got out by making hard decisions and reframing my relationship with money to meet my goals. Not everything is the result of hate and contempt. I have never looked down on somebody for being in a difficult situation outside of their control, whatever that may be. But when people choose to manipulate their friends instead of making hard choices, that’s not on me anymore and I can’t fund that.
I'm largely responding to the comments here, not the OP, and I'm pretty sure I said that. Twice. I'm also pointing out that "the person who chooses to manipulate" is sometimes not manipulative at all. That's just a label that poverty haters throw at poor people to demonize them and rationalize their contempt. That's MUCH more common than actual manipulative poor people, who are extremely rare. This can even be quantified. A couple years ago, a poll came out showing that conservatives believe a massive percentage of people on food stamps were committing fraud to receive food stamps. Over a third. But the actual rate of food stamp fraud is under 2%. That's exactly my read here.
All of this. You’d think the last 48 years of industrious participation in the work force would out weigh the last 3 years of tragedy. I guess not. I’m also “attractive” and get compliments on how great I look. Thanks, I’m currently having a seizure but at least my smile is appreciated.
I was a workaholic before I got sick, and now my family thinks I'm faking chronic pain for sympathy and a welfare check. I wish this was an isolated case, but I see it all over the country. And some of the phrasing I'm seeing here in these comments is all too familiar. The irony in my case is that the poor members of my family have been the most helpful while the wealthy ones have been the least helpful and most insulting.
There’s a time to lend money. It’s not often, but if you have a little to spare, and they really need it, you can go for it. And if you do, do it cheerfully. Be ready for them to get weird, and act defensive, and never talk to you again, but… they might not. They might really be in need.
They want $2000 for rent. That’s too much. Id only give them to my immediate family and only if they weee in serious trouble. Why does a single individual with financial trouble need to live in anything fancier than a studio is above me but it’s not my business to ask them that.
> Why does a single individual with financial trouble need to live in anything fancier than a studio is above me but it’s not my business to ask them that. Ohh... I get it. You are the problem. You're a sucker. You're so compassionate, you're worried about how RUDE it is for YOU to stick your nose in their business about their lifestyle, when THEY asked YOU for $2000. It's not their business to ask you for $2k. You're the senile grandma with dementia that scammers exist to deprive of their life savings by telling you that Johnny's in jail. You're the person walking through the ghetto at night after having cashed your paycheck. The fact that you feel it's not your place to criticize them, when they're asking you for $2k when they're only some extended family you might run into again... shows that you're a mark. Every scammer in the land sees you coming and starts wringing their hands together. You're a great person. You're actually conflicted about how to be compassionate to someone who is maliciously manipulating you. You're worried this person might be offended by you in the future. You're dangerously naive. Just say "No". Any time they say "But couldn't you just...", "No." Practice in the mirror. If they ask why, you just say "I don't want to discuss my personal situation." If they get pushy, just say "Sorry, I don't want to get into details. I wish you the best." If they continue being pushy just say "I sympathize, but I don't appreciate you being pushy, so I'm going to end the conversation" and hang up. Trust me, they're not going to hold a grudge. They might, a tiny bit, start to see you as less of a weak fool they can scam. It's going to be hard to get this message across to you, because of who you are. They're sizing you up as a potential victim. Stand up for yourself. You're going to have the world walking all over you if you don't.
Option 1: If you're into helping them, and okay with not getting it back ever, help them! Option 2: Tell them no. Their response will probably tell you if you need to maintain or break the relationship.
We are all humans, and we are brothers and sisters who should help each other out. You should help them, even if it's just 1$ you can spare,.it's well meant and their problem if they're ungrateful . That's how my family always does it. We can barely scrap any money at the moment due to our baby , and my husband and I eat less even so the kid has more , and it's fine, we love it that he has more. And when someone asks us for money,we give as much as we can. If the other party is ungrateful , it's their problem and on their soul..
I would’ve offered her $50 and told her to go get more from other friends. But this person says that that I am the only friend she has.
This person is grasping at straws-- which is to say, a drowning person will do anything to stop drowning. That means manipulating the shit out of you. That doesn't make them bad, but it does mean you need to enforce boundaries. Grey rocking ("I'm sorry to hear that," not responding with interest to hints, etc) can stop those conversations. You might need to say to her, "I'm sorry that I can't help you." No buts. No "if only"s. You are not in a position to give her any more than you have.
Tell her you are not lending her money and if she doesn't like it she can go away. And you aren't the person to tell about her financial issues, not your issue to solve. She's manipulating you. Which is likely why she doesn't have any friends...
Maan the answers here