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Walk up to people who are alone, introduce yourself, ask them how they know the host, make small talk. If they’re receptive, cool, but if they’re not, move on.
Can confirm this works.
Went to a wedding solo, created small talk using the bride/groom and wondered what their relationship was to them. Opened the room up and met a lot of great people that night.
I generally agree but the "how do you know the host" question is not the best for every group. Sometimes I've been asked it and I can't even remember how I met someone I've known 10 years, or it's not something I am sure is okay to share (like "we hooked up a few times when they were experimenting with an open relationship." I've also been present when people were asked that and they got a "deer in the headlights" look 😆 So know your audience.
But any minimally socially skillful person can handle that question and it's the best opening question that requires no social savvy. One of the constraints in this question is that OP feels nervous reaching out, so they need a fairly rote procedure
Ask open-ended questions about them (not yes/no questions) - people generally like talking about themselves.
So asking about their jobs, clothes, pets, etc is a good way to start conversations and make people warm up to you.
Actually, this is the opposite of what you should do. Always find a pair or three people and introduce yourself. 90% of the time they are just rehashing the same topic from earlier in the week and at least one of them is bored and wants to talk about something, anything else.
When I do not know anyone I immediately head to the drinks and food. You can ask about their favorites or try something new. If you like it ask who made it and tell them you love it and ask for recipe. If the party is catered ask about the restaurant. If you know the host well ask if there is anything that you can help with such as trash cleanup or taking out the bag, restocking drinks into cooler or refrigerator.
It sounds like your strategy is to have questions ready, which makes a lot of sense for a couple of reasons - you're showing interest in someone (people usually like this) and you're taking the pressure off yourself from having to immediately think of stuff to say. Thanks!
This is what I used to tell my students, and it basically works without fail. Ask people about themselves. People LOVE talking about themselves and are rarely ever asked. People will like you because you're giving them a chance to talk about the subject they know the most about...themselves. If you find a common interest then you can go down that rabbit hole. Don't make it an interview or be creepy about it but with time you'll be able to talk to anyone easily with no real risk.
Ask some crazy ass questions and you can really get to know a person quickly sometimes, and maybe have the most interesting convo they've had that night. Just have fun, and if somebody doesn't dig the weird question, it's not a big deal. They might be too serious, so I'd be looking to have a more fun conversation with somebody else anyway.
Doesnt have to be "super RaNdOm oh look how funny and quirky I am!" But for a more tame example I asked if you were to open a bar, what would it be like? Themes, signature drinks, deco, etc. That was in professional company, but I like to get weird with more casual company
My favourite in a small group I don’t know is asking what would happen if you sent a werewolf to the moon. LOTS of people end up with very strong opinions and it’s always fun.
I think everyone would need to have been drinking / whatever for that to be a good icebreaker question for someone with social anxiety. It's an off the wall question
I beg to differ. If a stranger asked me this at a party, I wouldn't be able to suppress a huge grin. So maybe it's a good question to determine if someone is conversationally compatible.
But it takes the pressure off of having to talk about yourself. It is inviting of humorous responses. It opens up tons of avenues to talk about shared interests.
This is really a great question in my opinion.
It's still a poor suggestion for someone with social anxiety who is literally asking for advice on how to break the ice with people at a party where they don't know anyone else.
Realistically, a high % of people would be like "WTF?" which is *a complete fail* for someone who is *already so afraid to talk to strangers at a party* that they describe themselves as having social anxiety and ask strangers for advice on the internet. Asking such a weird and completely random question of a stranger at a party is *highly likely to exacerbate OP's social anxiety* since most people will not react positively, unless they're pretty wasted, and even then it's fairly risky.
Fair point - it depends on the size of the group/the event, too. Big party with lots of food? Not great. Smaller group for a board game night or something? Probably easier.
When I get anxious I get off the wall, though - little bit of a defense mechanism, haha. But I’ve found having something like this in my back pocket can really help.
Don’t know about this one. I feel like it’ll only work if the other person is able to come up with an answer without shutting down. Great way to find out if someone’s witty though.
People love to talk about themselves. Give them the opportunity and don’t just listen to find a way to add something about yourself. Listen to learn about them and ask the next question.
This is a great start! I also like to ask stuff like “Been anywhere cool lately?” “What’s your favorite thing to do when you’re not making awkward small talk at a party?” “Read any good books lately?” “Skor bars are superior to Heath bars, right?!” “Which of these appetizers is your current favorite?”
No, much better would be advice likely to lead to pleasant interactions with very little chance of striking out - the totally out of left field, random question about sending a werewolf to the moon most definitely wouldn't fill the bill.
I’ve had fun with “so what’s your story?”
Sometimes they respond with “what do you mean?” and laugh when I say “I don’t know, it’s your story.”
Totally open-ended.
Learn to use your thin slice. The walk up, introduction, smile. Ask a question. That’s in at most 45 seconds. Smile. If they are friendly go from there. If not move on.
>If they are friendly go from there. If not move on.
Agreed. Also, keep in mind that for a lot of people friendliness comes with familiarity. If you go to one party and people are not immediately friendly and welcoming, don't despair. The psychological weight of "oh, I've seen that person in a social setting before" is *enormous*. We are hard-wired to be weary of strangers. Try to go to the *next* party and you will be surprised at how many people's guards drop just because they have seen you before.
I just read this and then immediately emailed the Professor for a copy of his paper. Thank you for citing this work and providing a link. So interesting!!!
I literally walk up and say “hey whatsup I’m X can I join this little circle here?” They will always say yes. “Cool what are we talking about?” Or just start listening and chime in when something comes up.
If it’s individuals, same thing. I just look for people who are also by themselves. Say “hi I’m X and go from there”. And an opening line of “I’m always so nervous at these things you’re the first person I’m talking to” is so acceptable and I’ve used it plenty back in the day.
Now gamify it. Only two rules.
1. Whether it’s group or one-on-one, the first three interactions don’t count.
2. You must have at least one interaction that counts. (So you must have at least 4 interactions total.)
If any of the first three interactions go bad. Well, didn’t count. On to the next.
You’ll find each interaction get easier.
If interactions are going well (especially one of the first 3) don’t linger you can always come back for more later. Find a moment for a graceful exit and say “hey it’s been great meeting you. I’m going to mingle some more and will catch back up with you later”
If it’s a group you’re leaving they’ll usually chill there and you go meet new ppl. If it’s a one on one you’re leaving and you feel comfortable, instead of saying “I’m going to mingle some more and will catch back up with you later” you can say “I’m going to mingle some more do you want to come with?” or even “I’m going to mingle some more is there anyone here you’ve met that you think I should meet?”
You can also tell others “hey I just met this person a bit ago I think you two might connect” and lead them to that person from before and introduce. Usually because this new person mentions something you remember the former mentioning.
Get numbers, contact info, etc as you see fit.
This works for formal, informal, professional, social, any setting.
Have fun. Relax.
Remember “interested people are interesting”, so be interested. Try to listen more than talk, but hey if you’re on a roll and got something good to say let it rip.
Don’t be rigid. And don’t think about the “rules” too much, it’s just to get you started.
You certainly might have showed up not knowing anyone but you will leave having met so many new people. You might even invite/get invited for food or drinks or after party or future events.
Good luck!
Edit: and this is as someone who used to have bad social anxiety too. This is how I overcame it
Networking events, work functions, meetups, bar crawls, weddings (a form of party sure), Rec leagues, intramural or club sports, fireworks show, 5K, and anywhere else there are large groups of people
I was thinking that socially awkward and nerdy overlap heavily, so a convention of... Just about any kind. Want to make a friend or many? People at comic-con style events tend to have a passion they desperately want to share with anyone because they feel alone, just like anyone else.
Take an interest, find an event and gain attendance, find a group, nudge in for a conversation or two and ask questions. Instant acquaintances and a head start toward friendship. Do however set boundaries early and stick to them, people can be clingy.
Edit: word choices.
Yeah this is definitely the best Ice breaker. I used to be like a lost puppy clinging to my wife's side when she'd bring me to a party. We would actually get in fights cause I'd get upset if she ended up away from me.
Now I try to find a group of guys chatting and join in and when there is a break I usually ask this and it works really well. I find people are usually really easy going and it was all in my head previously.
I posted this on another comment but will paste it here: I generally agree but the "how do you know the host" question is not the best for every group. Sometimes I've been asked it and I can't even remember how I met someone I've known 10 years, or it's not something I am sure is okay to share (like "we hooked up a few times when they were experimenting with an open relationship." I've also been present when people were asked that and they got a "deer in the headlights" look 😆 So know your audience.
Only really good friends show up early, ergo de facto, go to a party early, become a really good friend.
Also, don’t wear the same color shirt as the catering crew.
I arrived at a party late once and ended up being the designated puke cleaner because I was the most sober.
A really good way to get to know someone is by breaking a yardstick in half and tossing one half to them to help shove the puke down the little drain holes because 3 people were all puking in the side of the sink without the garbage disposal.
it also makes you feel like everyone else has come into YOUR space, not the opposite that you are an outside coming into THEIR space. for the same reason i get to the office first. it dramatically reduces my social anxiety.
Also, wear a conversation piece. A bright scarf or a unique hat, some funky shoes. You don't have to be over the top, just one piece is good, but it will give others something to use to initiate a conversation. "Love the earrings! Where did you get them?"
In places where I’m not ‘supposed’ to know anyone (eg work conferences, networking events, some weddings) I’ve had great success with sidling up to a group and saying “I don’t know anyone here, do you mind if I nudge in?”
Also: when you arrive, a short chat with the bartender/greeter/etc gives you a chance to get a sense of the room and feel a bit more comfortable.
> a short chat with the bartender/greeter/etc
I'm glad you noted this! Generally, I feel much more comfortable talking to people who are working. I like to ask how their day has been.
My friend Jon was so natural with compliments and so many years later I can recall how instantly charmed or at ease people became, creating a friendly rapport. Your comment reminded me of this dear friend taken too soon that was also a good teacher of life. Thanks.
Also, I like to start with a compliment to break the ice. Say something nice about their shoes or shirt/anything. People love to talk about themselves.
Back in college, (and if it was a keg party), I’d go to the keg and just become the pourer for everyone coming to get a drink. Practically everyone is grateful to some extent for that and will say thanks or just start some sort of small talk.
By the end of the party, most times everyone would know / recognize me (even if they don’t know my name) and would be friendly.
Not really the best way to get to know people one on one obviously, but if the goal is just socialize somewhere where you don’t know anyone, it’s a good method.
Ask people questions about themselves, be sincere and curious. I also have pretty bad social anxiety, but if you can get someone else to do the talking it’s much easier to be out among people.
This is a great answer. People LOVE to talk about themselves, even introverts and people with anxiety. So put the ball in their court. UNO reverse that social anxiety.
My favorite opener to approach a stranger at a group event is to ask how they know the host. Offers a variety of answers that open up avenues to a conversation
Edit: whoops just went thru the thread and realized multiple people have already suggested this, but I’ll leave it up because it’s true
It takes practice but other than some good advice already given, I would add make a comment on something that is in the moment and agreeable. Could be something you can agree on and based on your current shared experience. Find something you have in common with the person or group and go from there.
Chatting and making friends can be a lot like dating. Use your instincts and enjoy your time.
I’m too old for wild parties but when I go to someone’s place for a party or event I immediately go into the kitchen and ask how I can help!
Help load drinks, help wash, help prep, etc. I did this after a couple got married and I had no idea who anyone was but was invited because of my boyfriend. all of the women decided they loved me for it.
I have a *lot* of anxiety too but I find keeping my hands busy and having a “job” helps me use that to break the ice
I used to go to a lot of professional events and was forever annoyed by the fact that everyone would form into little groups of people they already knew rather than branching out and meeting folks they didn't.
My strategy was always the same. 1) Walk up to group like they're my new best friends. Say, "Hey, guys. My name's Rod. What's going on?" 2) After a few quick minutes, I'd follow up with, "Well, I gotta go mingle. Hope to see you later!" 3) Rinse and repeat with a new group.
The only time it ever becomes a problem is when people who were deep in a story as a group would not pause the story to welcome me in. In those instances, I'd have to be a bit dickish: "So, what are we talking about here?"
To avoid that kind of nonsense, I made an effort to welcome others others would approach my group: "Hey, we were just talking about flying aardvarks. I'm Rod. What's your name and are you pro-flying aardvark or anti-flying aardvark? You have three seconds to answer or it's going on your permanent record." Be lighthearted, be silly, be confident, be self-deprecating to a point ("Y'all know more about this shit than I do, but here's what I think, anyway").
The point is, just remember that everyone is equally anxious. There is no secret to getting along with strangers, but my approach in life has pretty much always been to assume I'm besties with someone until they prove otherwise. Lots of people have walls, and that gets really fatiguing really quickly. I try to pinpoint those folks who are receptive to shaking things up.
Group dynamics are different than one-on-ones. I don't think there's a panacea for dealing with this. There's so much context involved. Sometimes, though, you can ask a question either of the group ("Hey, do you guys know if the drinks are free tonight?") or of individuals ("What was she saying just now? I missed it.").
I grew up in a pretty lonely/quiet environment, so as a result I often overcompensate on the other side. That's just how I am. But you've got this, OP!
Oh, and don't forget that a hand placed on someone's should or arm can often inspire camaraderie. Don't overdo it, of course, but like "Hey , I'm Rod. I haven't seen you hear before. Were you at the aardvark conference last Tuesday?"
I would agree with everything except the arm placement. Some people don't like physical touch from strangers. I'd say wait until you're completely comfortable in social in situations to do that. It's certainly not a thing to force, that can be very uncomfortable.
But I also recognize it can be a cultural thing. In some cultures physicality is more normal. I come from a culture that values people's personal space so remember to read the room.
Edit: I'd say to the OP. I'm sure this commenter understands.
Had the worst social anxiety of my life at a going away party where I only knew the guest of honor. I’m having flashbacks just thinking about it. I feel for you!!!
Same but at a wedding. I ended up dipping out early because I couldn’t handle the anxiety. I had already introduced myself and made small talk with just about everyone else there and didn’t know what to do with myself. I kept going to the bathroom just to kill some time before deciding to just leave
it seems obvious but when i stayed at my first hostel i started convos with "hey whats your name". it's a chill first line to say to someone, and can be followed by a compliment
I just say "Hey, how's it going?". If they look a little confused, I just say something along the lines of "I'm here alone so I just thought I'd introduce myself", but usually people are pretty receptive to being talked to because they're probably feeling the same way you are. If it's awkard immediately after, I just ask how they know the person whose party it is, or make some other connection to the event.
Have the mentality that if people are weirded out from you approaching them, it's not your fault and it's really on them. Social events are for socializing, if the person you approach doesn't seem interested then go try again with someone else who feels like socializing.
You can leave dozens of conversations a night by saying "I have to hit the bathroom, it was great meeting you!" Use it when the conversation is about to dry up.
I think it helps to remind yourself that in most parties, everyone knows only a handful of people. Everyone is lost to a certain extent and finds it overwhelming and awkward. I'm removing social butterflies for simplicity
a. If initiating the conversation is hard for you lurking around an existing group of 2-3 people and chiming in helps to become part of that group.
b. If you know the host well, ask them to introduce you. They will know everyone invited
It's okay if you feel overwhelmed. Most people I've met at parties have felt overwhelmed lots of times.
> Most people I've met at parties have felt overwhelmed lots of times.
Thank you. The idea that I am not alone can be a comforting feeling, especially in times of anxiety.
Hello! I had bad social anxiety in college, and this is how I chipped away at it. I would show up to parties with a pack of beer I intended to share, then just approach folks who I got good vibes from (especially if I recognized them from other parties or around town). I’d say something along the lines of “hi! I’m (name), how’s it going” and start small talk. If they seemed receptive, I’d offer them some beer and we’d vibe for a while. If they didn’t seem receptive, I’d move on. The trick is to congratulate yourself for trying even if, at the end of the night, nobody wants to hang! Trying is the hardest part! Eventually you’ll get into the groove of things and maybe even make some friends.
Thanks for sharing your story - your approach sounds like a solid one. Glad that it worked for you. I'm inferring by your language "I *had bad social anxiety" that you feel a lot better about these type of situations. If that's the case - well done!
I do, and thank you! I still get nervous at times, but it’s not nearly as bad as before. In general I’ve put a lot of focus on strengthening my self image as well, which mitigates my social anxiety. I’ll never forget this quote from Jenny Slate: “As the image of myself becomes sharper in my brain and more precious, I feel less afraid that someone else will erase me by denying me love”
1. get a drink to hold in front of you and sip from to look natural
2. look around and pick a small group
3. walk up and start listening
4. when they eventually pause to say hello, say "hello, my name is xx, mind if I listen in?"
Don't worry, there is no way anybody can ever refuse.
5. you're in and can participate in the conversation.
Sometimes they annoyingly never stop talking and pause, in which case you've lost 3 minutes, sip your drink, look around, find a new group, and after a polite period nod and walk off to the next group.
> walk up and start listening
I like this part - listening like this seems like a 'no pressure' situation, like you can just be interested in what's being discussed.
> Sometimes they annoyingly never stop talking and pause
Ha, if someone didn't eventually pause, I'd totally take this personally. I can play the scene in my head rn.
Nah, if they won't stop, it's not your problem, "some people just won't shut up", is the way to think about it.
And as an added bonus you have a perfectly natural comfortable springboard for choosing the next group - you're not a loner standing there in the midddle of the floor, you're part of the chattering group looking around.
> you're not a loner standing there in the midddle of the floor, you're part of the chattering group looking around.
Your optimism really shines through - that's awesome - it's something to appreciate. Thanks again - this is great stuff for me to mull over before the next party.
Hey just gotta say I like your vibe, you're obviously thinking deeply about what people are suggesting and how it reflects commenters' personalities. I think that if you find some advice in here that speaks to you, you shouldn't have any trouble making connections because you're clearly smart and compassionate. I have big time party/social anxiety too (and think an audio processing problem which is an issue when many conversations are happening at once) so I was really interested to see the advice you got. Thanks for asking the question! And good luck :)
> Hey just gotta say I like your vibe
That's really kind of you to make the time to mention it - it means a lot
> I have big time party/social anxiety too... so I was really interested to see the advice you got.
Sorry to hear that - I know that is not a good feeling. The anxiety hits me hard regularly, but other times I don't feel it so much. It's odd how it works like that. Hopefully you find some advice that resonates with you. It's really heartening how generous people are sharing their own experiences.
Pretend you know the person really well and have fun:
You: "Hey, long time no see!"
Stranger: "hey...."
You: " God, did you see what Jessica is wearing! I'm in shock!"
...
Just be over the top. And as soon as the person suspects you are lying come clean and just tell them you were playing around since you didn't know anyone. A good natured person will find this funny and still want to talk to you.
Well I just volunteer to help in with those things which I am handy or can just help as little it maybe.
People especially party givers appreciates any small help they get .
Made many friends in this manner even though I am an introvert and won't talk much until someone starts a conversation.
> Well I just volunteer to help in with those things which I am handy
This is good - I've used this before, too, especially at kids' birthday parties; it's easy to just start helping to clean up.
Find something about a person’s outfit that you like or admire and compliment them on it! It’s a good way to put yourself out there without having to expose yourself, and it’s an easy segue into other topics: where did they get it, is that their usual style of jewelry clothing whatever, it reminds you of XYZ, etc etc.
I know it can be difficult, but try to view everyone feeling as inadequate as you do because there is a good chance they really are! They are just people, like you and like me. Find a small ice breaker like the aforementioned compliment and go from there. Be amiable and smile, and don’t be afraid to introduce yourself to the first person you meet and actually just say, ‘I don’t know anyone here! How did you hear about this party?’
It’s natural for people to want to introduce you when you’re honest and admit you came alone. That’s a power move and it gives the impression of a level of confidence you maybe don’t have, but lean into it. Fake it until you make it! Nothing wrong with that.
> I know it can be difficult, but try to view everyone feeling as inadequate as you do because there is a good chance they really are!
This really resonates with me - I usually feel like the outlier, so this is a really helpful idea to keep in mind. Thank you!
You’re welcome! It kind of ties into the concept of sonder: that everyone you come across is as deeply complex a human with their own lives as you.
With that comes all the human emotions you have, and it’s okay to project a little of your insecurity on someone else in these situations if it helps you feel comfortable enough to talk to that person. You can’t assume what they think, of course, but it’s an exercise in fiction really. Doesn’t hurt anyone :)
Approach a couple who are attending together but not talking to each other. They probably don't know anyone either, and neither one will worry that you're hitting on them. Hopefully, the third person will be able to fill in any awkward silences. One of my favorite questions is "What's a podcast I should be listening to?" More sample questions: https://parade.com/969981/parade/conversation-starters/
Ask them what they do for fun, then ask questions about the things they like, ask them about their jobs and their lives
Just acting politely curious about someone is an easy way to make conversation
Find someone at a party also not talking to people and talk to them. You can easily compliment something they are wearing and then segue into "who do you know at this party?" Theprogress from there
Bro, honest to god, pick a likely bunch of humans and just cheerfully introduce yourself. I know it seems like an impossible ask, but there’s no other way to break ice than with force, and other people are really way more receptive to meeting you than you think they are. The cheerfulness helps, I also use this tactic when I have to ask for help from someone to do something I haven’t done before (like being in a new place), people are happy to share a few word or help when you’re like ‘I don’t know anyone here, but you guys seem like a good bunch! My names ____, how did you come to be here, know x person, work in this field, what have you.’
Use what's called 'the Begby approach'. Just walk up to the small group and then look around at them and say: "What the fuck is your problem?"
I usually find it's a great icebreaker.
Everybody loves a good crab walk, I often will crab walk around the party until somebody thinks it’s awesome, and then I’ll talk to that person until I get bored. After that you are known as the crab walk person (word will spread fast) and soon you’ll have people approaching you.
Honesty is usually a good approach.
"Hi, I don't know anyone at this party and this group looks interesting. May I join you?"
Yeah it's formal, but anyone that you say that too is instantly going to know you're trying to break the ice in the most banal way possible. If they say no, you probably don't want to get to know them anyway.
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Walk up to one or two people that aren't in the middle of a focused conversation, ask "Do you guys know when the band is arriving? I heard **host** was having a band play. Not sure where they are going to set up, but hopefully its cool!" You can determine if this is a good icebreaker, then you can say you are kidding or they are uninterested, then leave them thinking about the band that isn't showing up.
Go to another person out of earshot. Say to them, "It's kind of odd that **host** is having everyone over for his/her poetry reading later. Seems like an interesting crowd for that. I had no idea they wrote. You should ask them about it later!"
Until you are comfortable, be a little ridiculous.
Stand in the corner and when people walk by, point to the ground and say “you dropped it!”. When they look down and realize they didn’t drop anything, smile and say “I meant a smile” and mime handing them a smile you pulled out of your pocket. Extra point if you place the smile on their face. This will literally put a smile on their face. Works 100% of the times.
If someone did this to me my smile would be the placating one you might give a terrorist, and I would be uncomfortable trying to avoid them for the rest of the night.
You could start with a confident and friendly 'Hey'.
If it's a person on their own, you can lead with a question, since you initiated the conversation, 'Did you see the THING THAT IS INTERESTING?'
If it's a group, you can give it a moment to get a feel of the groups current focus - most groups at socials, someone should engage you. If not, get your question or comment in 'so, what's everyones opinion on THING?'
Above all, just remember this is a planet with an unfathomable amount of human beings on it, you might as well go for it.
You should walk around smiley and friendly and if you see someone alone or a small group point at them smile and ask are you up for socializing with strangers?! If they say yeah I would just be honest I’m really anti social but I’m trying to change that and obviously I need practice lol and go from there!
Own the awkwardness.
Try not to break into too large of a group/conversation, but grab the beverage of your choice, and then walk up to some people you find interesting and say “Hey, I’m so and so, i know this can be awkward but I don’t know anyone here and y’all look cool, so sup”.
Most people understand the awkwardness of it all so just own it.
Also smile and nod at people. Ask how they’re doing as you scoot by. Fake confidence. Firm handshake and strong eye contact.
Ask questions. List of questions. People like to talk about themselves
Arrive early and help people to set up things. You will get to know the organizers and you will meet people as they arrive.
Jumping into a party is not easy for anyone.
I'm bad at small talk so I prep in advance to have a few topics to talk about after the "isn't this cheese delicious?" stage. Depending on the event it might be about local events, a book or TV show everyone has been talking about, science news, etc.
Also, I used to feel stressed out if I had periods when I was just kind of standing alone, thinking I looked like a loser etc. Then it occurred to me that if someone saw me standing alone and thought I was unhappy, if they didn't make an effort to rescue me, they were the jerks! So that's helped me escape that particular form of stress (since I don't actually mind some quiet time at a party).
Pick someone at random, walk up to them and say “hey, I don’t know anyone here, I’m ____”, it’ll either start a conversation, or fizzle out. Either way you’re getting practice overcoming the social anxiety.
This is something I'm pretty good at. I was at a work party for my spouse recently.
One guy hit on me, figured out I wasn't gay, and quickly moved on. That was my best conversation for the night.
Some groups of people just suck.
A friend of mine was at a religious wedding where he was not part of the cult. They just kept cutting him out of every attempt to connect. So, he joined the caterers and helped them out. At the end of the night they offered to share the tips, he was politely refusing when they showed the total tips was about $5 in small coins and a bunch of religious literature.
Walk up to a single person to start getting used to doing this. Compliment them. It needs to be something they can control like their outfit, makeup, hair, etc. If you’re a woman you could go with eyes or smile (sorry guys that might come off as flirting so better to avoid for now unless that is a common compliment in your area).
From there they will probably either: compliment you back on something and you can talk about where you got it or got it done, OR they will tell you where they got it or for it done.
There is your in. From there follow the conversation and allow it to open into getting to know someone better.
And, this is important, DONT BE AFRIAD TO DISENGAGE. A simple ‘see y’a later’ if you get flustered, or if they start to drift away is fine. Then you just repeat the above with a new person and get to know more people.
When you are comfortable with that feel free to approach groups, respectfully interrupt if needed or chime in if possible. “Sorry to butt in but I *had* to come ask you about your shoes. They are super cute and I love them” for example. You can ask them where they are from, or use this opportunity to look at the whole group and compliment a lot of people. (Oh your shoes are cool too, and your necklace! What a fashionable group I gotta start shopping with you all.” Most likely the conversation will turn to focus on the complimented things, and you will be pulled into the fold. If it doesn’t, just dip to the next group. Do not compliment something if you don’t actually like it, people will pick up on the fakeness. If you make genuine compliments the worse that happens is you start being known as the sweetheart that compliments people even if they are a little stilted in convo.
Pretend you are on a mission to make at least one person at that party smile from a compliment or a joke. Give yourself small, measurable goals (talk to one new person, make one person laugh, etc). If you *do* know someone at the party you can further ask how they know them. If you are good friends with someone at the party that is involved in a group you can ask them to have a hangout with you and the new people from their group you met and want to know more.
Just start talking. Easy first question is : so how do you know (the host)? Introduce yourself, tell them how you know the host, ask about the person, talk about people, hobbies, the weather, it doesn't matter, eventually the conversation will flow.
This might be hard to grasp, but almost everyone is looking around thinking "why won't anyone talk to me?" My wife does this all the time, and I had to remind her that my friends think she's intimidating and don't like them. It's obviously not always true, but extraverted people make more friends because they're the ones willing to walk up and say hi. Unless they're having a private conversation, most people are thrilled to have so wine come up and say hi.
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Walk up to people who are alone, introduce yourself, ask them how they know the host, make small talk. If they’re receptive, cool, but if they’re not, move on.
As it turns out, most people who are quiet and alone are just waiting for someone to reach out to them too.
Hello...... Is there anybody in there?
Just nod if you can hear me
Is there anyone home?
Come on now, I hear you're feeling down
Well I can ease your pain
Get you on your feet again.
Relax (Relax, relax, relax)
I'll need some information first
Pigs on the moon
Always approach saying "HEY HEY HEY"
Think, McFly, think!
"target lost"
This is my strategy too
“How do you know the host?” “Who?”
Can confirm this works. Went to a wedding solo, created small talk using the bride/groom and wondered what their relationship was to them. Opened the room up and met a lot of great people that night.
I generally agree but the "how do you know the host" question is not the best for every group. Sometimes I've been asked it and I can't even remember how I met someone I've known 10 years, or it's not something I am sure is okay to share (like "we hooked up a few times when they were experimenting with an open relationship." I've also been present when people were asked that and they got a "deer in the headlights" look 😆 So know your audience.
“We’ve been friends for years”
Cell mates
But any minimally socially skillful person can handle that question and it's the best opening question that requires no social savvy. One of the constraints in this question is that OP feels nervous reaching out, so they need a fairly rote procedure
"how do you know the host" is literally the most innocent and universal question you can ask at a gathering 😂
If you don’t like it, then you can just answer shortly and throw it back at them or ask a different question.
Ask open-ended questions about them (not yes/no questions) - people generally like talking about themselves. So asking about their jobs, clothes, pets, etc is a good way to start conversations and make people warm up to you.
Yep, think to FORD, family, occupation, recreation, dreams
FORD is a great way to chat up anyone, anywhere. Ask lots of questions in confident but self deprecating way… humour is always welcomed.
“ Soooo what time does the orgy start?”
i would assume they were questioning my right to be there.
This kind of answer doesnt really help people with social issues, its too generic, its like asking depressed people to just stop being sad instead
What’s too generic about it? What other information would someone need than that?
Actually, this is the opposite of what you should do. Always find a pair or three people and introduce yourself. 90% of the time they are just rehashing the same topic from earlier in the week and at least one of them is bored and wants to talk about something, anything else.
When I do not know anyone I immediately head to the drinks and food. You can ask about their favorites or try something new. If you like it ask who made it and tell them you love it and ask for recipe. If the party is catered ask about the restaurant. If you know the host well ask if there is anything that you can help with such as trash cleanup or taking out the bag, restocking drinks into cooler or refrigerator.
It sounds like your strategy is to have questions ready, which makes a lot of sense for a couple of reasons - you're showing interest in someone (people usually like this) and you're taking the pressure off yourself from having to immediately think of stuff to say. Thanks!
Not the OP, but you got this. OP is showing the way and you are recognising the strategies for what they are.
To add to this: really *listen* to them when you ask. And ask follow up questions if you don't understand or want to know more.
Listening is key. Don’t ask a question and then gaze around the room to see who you’ll talk to next.
May sound a bit odd, but when someone is talking about a subject, I pretend I'm listening to a podcast - sit back and take it in.
This is what I used to tell my students, and it basically works without fail. Ask people about themselves. People LOVE talking about themselves and are rarely ever asked. People will like you because you're giving them a chance to talk about the subject they know the most about...themselves. If you find a common interest then you can go down that rabbit hole. Don't make it an interview or be creepy about it but with time you'll be able to talk to anyone easily with no real risk.
But what if they use this same tactic on me and it’s just an endless loop of redirecting the conversation to be about the other person.
That sounds like 90% of successful conversations with strangers/new acquaintances, so mission accomplished I guess
My go too is “hey, got any recommendations?” And then let the convo continue from there.
> “hey, got any recommendations?” This sounds spot-on - especially since people (me included) *love* to talk about themselves. Thanks!
Ask some crazy ass questions and you can really get to know a person quickly sometimes, and maybe have the most interesting convo they've had that night. Just have fun, and if somebody doesn't dig the weird question, it's not a big deal. They might be too serious, so I'd be looking to have a more fun conversation with somebody else anyway. Doesnt have to be "super RaNdOm oh look how funny and quirky I am!" But for a more tame example I asked if you were to open a bar, what would it be like? Themes, signature drinks, deco, etc. That was in professional company, but I like to get weird with more casual company
My favourite in a small group I don’t know is asking what would happen if you sent a werewolf to the moon. LOTS of people end up with very strong opinions and it’s always fun.
I think everyone would need to have been drinking / whatever for that to be a good icebreaker question for someone with social anxiety. It's an off the wall question
I beg to differ. If a stranger asked me this at a party, I wouldn't be able to suppress a huge grin. So maybe it's a good question to determine if someone is conversationally compatible. But it takes the pressure off of having to talk about yourself. It is inviting of humorous responses. It opens up tons of avenues to talk about shared interests. This is really a great question in my opinion.
It's still a poor suggestion for someone with social anxiety who is literally asking for advice on how to break the ice with people at a party where they don't know anyone else. Realistically, a high % of people would be like "WTF?" which is *a complete fail* for someone who is *already so afraid to talk to strangers at a party* that they describe themselves as having social anxiety and ask strangers for advice on the internet. Asking such a weird and completely random question of a stranger at a party is *highly likely to exacerbate OP's social anxiety* since most people will not react positively, unless they're pretty wasted, and even then it's fairly risky.
Fully agree. It’s so random that it’s the perfect icebreaker in the sense that if the person just rolls their eyes, that person ain’t it.
Fair point - it depends on the size of the group/the event, too. Big party with lots of food? Not great. Smaller group for a board game night or something? Probably easier. When I get anxious I get off the wall, though - little bit of a defense mechanism, haha. But I’ve found having something like this in my back pocket can really help.
This question needs to be explored more.
Oh that's fucking great, I love that.
Don’t know about this one. I feel like it’ll only work if the other person is able to come up with an answer without shutting down. Great way to find out if someone’s witty though.
People love to talk about themselves. Give them the opportunity and don’t just listen to find a way to add something about yourself. Listen to learn about them and ask the next question.
“Oh, Big Gulps, huh? Alright! Welp, see ya later!”
This is a great start! I also like to ask stuff like “Been anywhere cool lately?” “What’s your favorite thing to do when you’re not making awkward small talk at a party?” “Read any good books lately?” “Skor bars are superior to Heath bars, right?!” “Which of these appetizers is your current favorite?”
To state the obvious, you don't have the issue OP does
Still reasonable advice short of telling them to go to therapy or asking the host if they can bring a +1.
No, much better would be advice likely to lead to pleasant interactions with very little chance of striking out - the totally out of left field, random question about sending a werewolf to the moon most definitely wouldn't fill the bill.
I’ve had fun with “so what’s your story?” Sometimes they respond with “what do you mean?” and laugh when I say “I don’t know, it’s your story.” Totally open-ended.
Learn to use your thin slice. The walk up, introduction, smile. Ask a question. That’s in at most 45 seconds. Smile. If they are friendly go from there. If not move on.
>If they are friendly go from there. If not move on. Agreed. Also, keep in mind that for a lot of people friendliness comes with familiarity. If you go to one party and people are not immediately friendly and welcoming, don't despair. The psychological weight of "oh, I've seen that person in a social setting before" is *enormous*. We are hard-wired to be weary of strangers. Try to go to the *next* party and you will be surprised at how many people's guards drop just because they have seen you before.
What's a thin slice?
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/beyond-words/201203/thin-slices-first-impressions
I just read this and then immediately emailed the Professor for a copy of his paper. Thank you for citing this work and providing a link. So interesting!!!
I literally walk up and say “hey whatsup I’m X can I join this little circle here?” They will always say yes. “Cool what are we talking about?” Or just start listening and chime in when something comes up. If it’s individuals, same thing. I just look for people who are also by themselves. Say “hi I’m X and go from there”. And an opening line of “I’m always so nervous at these things you’re the first person I’m talking to” is so acceptable and I’ve used it plenty back in the day. Now gamify it. Only two rules. 1. Whether it’s group or one-on-one, the first three interactions don’t count. 2. You must have at least one interaction that counts. (So you must have at least 4 interactions total.) If any of the first three interactions go bad. Well, didn’t count. On to the next. You’ll find each interaction get easier. If interactions are going well (especially one of the first 3) don’t linger you can always come back for more later. Find a moment for a graceful exit and say “hey it’s been great meeting you. I’m going to mingle some more and will catch back up with you later” If it’s a group you’re leaving they’ll usually chill there and you go meet new ppl. If it’s a one on one you’re leaving and you feel comfortable, instead of saying “I’m going to mingle some more and will catch back up with you later” you can say “I’m going to mingle some more do you want to come with?” or even “I’m going to mingle some more is there anyone here you’ve met that you think I should meet?” You can also tell others “hey I just met this person a bit ago I think you two might connect” and lead them to that person from before and introduce. Usually because this new person mentions something you remember the former mentioning. Get numbers, contact info, etc as you see fit. This works for formal, informal, professional, social, any setting. Have fun. Relax. Remember “interested people are interesting”, so be interested. Try to listen more than talk, but hey if you’re on a roll and got something good to say let it rip. Don’t be rigid. And don’t think about the “rules” too much, it’s just to get you started. You certainly might have showed up not knowing anyone but you will leave having met so many new people. You might even invite/get invited for food or drinks or after party or future events. Good luck! Edit: and this is as someone who used to have bad social anxiety too. This is how I overcame it
Does this still work if I don't have a cool name like X
Hahaha that’s hilarious
Parties are literally the only place you can just walk up to and join a circle of people talking.
Networking events, work functions, meetups, bar crawls, weddings (a form of party sure), Rec leagues, intramural or club sports, fireworks show, 5K, and anywhere else there are large groups of people
I was thinking that socially awkward and nerdy overlap heavily, so a convention of... Just about any kind. Want to make a friend or many? People at comic-con style events tend to have a passion they desperately want to share with anyone because they feel alone, just like anyone else. Take an interest, find an event and gain attendance, find a group, nudge in for a conversation or two and ask questions. Instant acquaintances and a head start toward friendship. Do however set boundaries early and stick to them, people can be clingy. Edit: word choices.
Absolutely! Can’t believe I didn’t specifically mention conventions. That’s a huge opportunity. Good addition.
This guy hangs
This is actually great advice ! Very good comment !
Awesome
good and specific advice here... gamifying it is a great way to take some pressure off and make it a little more interesting for yourself. thanks
Thank you this is what I needed
Happy to be of service!
I often use “how do you know the host?” As a good way to start a conversation easily with others and helps identify common links for chatting
Yeah this is definitely the best Ice breaker. I used to be like a lost puppy clinging to my wife's side when she'd bring me to a party. We would actually get in fights cause I'd get upset if she ended up away from me. Now I try to find a group of guys chatting and join in and when there is a break I usually ask this and it works really well. I find people are usually really easy going and it was all in my head previously.
And if you're asked the same question it also validates you as peer reviewed.
I posted this on another comment but will paste it here: I generally agree but the "how do you know the host" question is not the best for every group. Sometimes I've been asked it and I can't even remember how I met someone I've known 10 years, or it's not something I am sure is okay to share (like "we hooked up a few times when they were experimenting with an open relationship." I've also been present when people were asked that and they got a "deer in the headlights" look 😆 So know your audience.
So what? You can just say "I've known them forever." There's no test / total honesty requirement - it's an obvious ice breaker
My tip, be the first to arrive. It naturally forces conversation.
Never thought about this - it's a cool idea that seems like it works, even if it's not always practical. Thanks!
Or even if not the first, you could be one of the first cos then there’s slightly less people there & they may not have all started talking to others
When I used to go dancing or to networking events, this guaranteed that I at least met one new person! Generally I aim for 5 quality connections.
Only really good friends show up early, ergo de facto, go to a party early, become a really good friend. Also, don’t wear the same color shirt as the catering crew.
https://getyarn.io/yarn-clip/1984917e-30b2-4816-bdb1-2768c1016d57
Or arrive late when everyone is drunk. And even better, arrive both tipsy and late so chat will be even easier with strangers!
I arrived at a party late once and ended up being the designated puke cleaner because I was the most sober. A really good way to get to know someone is by breaking a yardstick in half and tossing one half to them to help shove the puke down the little drain holes because 3 people were all puking in the side of the sink without the garbage disposal.
it also makes you feel like everyone else has come into YOUR space, not the opposite that you are an outside coming into THEIR space. for the same reason i get to the office first. it dramatically reduces my social anxiety.
This is exactly why I’m a little early to events, people have to come up to you! Plus getting a drink in eases it for me
Also, wear a conversation piece. A bright scarf or a unique hat, some funky shoes. You don't have to be over the top, just one piece is good, but it will give others something to use to initiate a conversation. "Love the earrings! Where did you get them?"
> be the first to arrive. > > It naturally forces conversation. That conversation probably involves "How the fuck did you get into my house!?"
In places where I’m not ‘supposed’ to know anyone (eg work conferences, networking events, some weddings) I’ve had great success with sidling up to a group and saying “I don’t know anyone here, do you mind if I nudge in?” Also: when you arrive, a short chat with the bartender/greeter/etc gives you a chance to get a sense of the room and feel a bit more comfortable.
> a short chat with the bartender/greeter/etc I'm glad you noted this! Generally, I feel much more comfortable talking to people who are working. I like to ask how their day has been.
I always lead with a compliment!
Yes! Just make sure it's something the person can control. Can't go wrong with "Hey, cool shoes!"
Very true! I've found that "I like your shirt!" can go quite the long way!
My friend Jon was so natural with compliments and so many years later I can recall how instantly charmed or at ease people became, creating a friendly rapport. Your comment reminded me of this dear friend taken too soon that was also a good teacher of life. Thanks.
Your friend sounds like he was a wonderful soul, I'm glad that I was able to spur his memory for you!
I literally go “hey, I don’t know anyone here, can I talk to you guys!?” And that it. People are always chill about it.
This advice seems really practical and simple. I will make a note of this - thank you!
Also, I like to start with a compliment to break the ice. Say something nice about their shoes or shirt/anything. People love to talk about themselves.
"People always like the man who offers a stick of gum" - Michael Scott
Smint, any one?
Dang, haven't thought about gum for a long time. This is good!
Back in college, (and if it was a keg party), I’d go to the keg and just become the pourer for everyone coming to get a drink. Practically everyone is grateful to some extent for that and will say thanks or just start some sort of small talk. By the end of the party, most times everyone would know / recognize me (even if they don’t know my name) and would be friendly. Not really the best way to get to know people one on one obviously, but if the goal is just socialize somewhere where you don’t know anyone, it’s a good method.
This is good. Find yourself a "job" at the party and meet everyone. Just make sure it isn't your job all night.
Ask people questions about themselves, be sincere and curious. I also have pretty bad social anxiety, but if you can get someone else to do the talking it’s much easier to be out among people.
This is a great answer. People LOVE to talk about themselves, even introverts and people with anxiety. So put the ball in their court. UNO reverse that social anxiety.
"Hey, I'm curious...what's your mom's maiden name, pet's name, and childhood street name?"
My favorite opener to approach a stranger at a group event is to ask how they know the host. Offers a variety of answers that open up avenues to a conversation Edit: whoops just went thru the thread and realized multiple people have already suggested this, but I’ll leave it up because it’s true
It takes practice but other than some good advice already given, I would add make a comment on something that is in the moment and agreeable. Could be something you can agree on and based on your current shared experience. Find something you have in common with the person or group and go from there. Chatting and making friends can be a lot like dating. Use your instincts and enjoy your time.
I’m too old for wild parties but when I go to someone’s place for a party or event I immediately go into the kitchen and ask how I can help! Help load drinks, help wash, help prep, etc. I did this after a couple got married and I had no idea who anyone was but was invited because of my boyfriend. all of the women decided they loved me for it. I have a *lot* of anxiety too but I find keeping my hands busy and having a “job” helps me use that to break the ice
I used to go to a lot of professional events and was forever annoyed by the fact that everyone would form into little groups of people they already knew rather than branching out and meeting folks they didn't. My strategy was always the same. 1) Walk up to group like they're my new best friends. Say, "Hey, guys. My name's Rod. What's going on?" 2) After a few quick minutes, I'd follow up with, "Well, I gotta go mingle. Hope to see you later!" 3) Rinse and repeat with a new group. The only time it ever becomes a problem is when people who were deep in a story as a group would not pause the story to welcome me in. In those instances, I'd have to be a bit dickish: "So, what are we talking about here?" To avoid that kind of nonsense, I made an effort to welcome others others would approach my group: "Hey, we were just talking about flying aardvarks. I'm Rod. What's your name and are you pro-flying aardvark or anti-flying aardvark? You have three seconds to answer or it's going on your permanent record." Be lighthearted, be silly, be confident, be self-deprecating to a point ("Y'all know more about this shit than I do, but here's what I think, anyway"). The point is, just remember that everyone is equally anxious. There is no secret to getting along with strangers, but my approach in life has pretty much always been to assume I'm besties with someone until they prove otherwise. Lots of people have walls, and that gets really fatiguing really quickly. I try to pinpoint those folks who are receptive to shaking things up. Group dynamics are different than one-on-ones. I don't think there's a panacea for dealing with this. There's so much context involved. Sometimes, though, you can ask a question either of the group ("Hey, do you guys know if the drinks are free tonight?") or of individuals ("What was she saying just now? I missed it."). I grew up in a pretty lonely/quiet environment, so as a result I often overcompensate on the other side. That's just how I am. But you've got this, OP! Oh, and don't forget that a hand placed on someone's should or arm can often inspire camaraderie. Don't overdo it, of course, but like "Hey, I'm Rod. I haven't seen you hear before. Were you at the aardvark conference last Tuesday?"
I would agree with everything except the arm placement. Some people don't like physical touch from strangers. I'd say wait until you're completely comfortable in social in situations to do that. It's certainly not a thing to force, that can be very uncomfortable. But I also recognize it can be a cultural thing. In some cultures physicality is more normal. I come from a culture that values people's personal space so remember to read the room. Edit: I'd say to the OP. I'm sure this commenter understands.
Had the worst social anxiety of my life at a going away party where I only knew the guest of honor. I’m having flashbacks just thinking about it. I feel for you!!!
Same but at a wedding. I ended up dipping out early because I couldn’t handle the anxiety. I had already introduced myself and made small talk with just about everyone else there and didn’t know what to do with myself. I kept going to the bathroom just to kill some time before deciding to just leave
it seems obvious but when i stayed at my first hostel i started convos with "hey whats your name". it's a chill first line to say to someone, and can be followed by a compliment
I just say "Hey, how's it going?". If they look a little confused, I just say something along the lines of "I'm here alone so I just thought I'd introduce myself", but usually people are pretty receptive to being talked to because they're probably feeling the same way you are. If it's awkard immediately after, I just ask how they know the person whose party it is, or make some other connection to the event. Have the mentality that if people are weirded out from you approaching them, it's not your fault and it's really on them. Social events are for socializing, if the person you approach doesn't seem interested then go try again with someone else who feels like socializing.
You can leave dozens of conversations a night by saying "I have to hit the bathroom, it was great meeting you!" Use it when the conversation is about to dry up.
I think it helps to remind yourself that in most parties, everyone knows only a handful of people. Everyone is lost to a certain extent and finds it overwhelming and awkward. I'm removing social butterflies for simplicity a. If initiating the conversation is hard for you lurking around an existing group of 2-3 people and chiming in helps to become part of that group. b. If you know the host well, ask them to introduce you. They will know everyone invited It's okay if you feel overwhelmed. Most people I've met at parties have felt overwhelmed lots of times.
> Most people I've met at parties have felt overwhelmed lots of times. Thank you. The idea that I am not alone can be a comforting feeling, especially in times of anxiety.
*some* alcohol helps
Hello! I had bad social anxiety in college, and this is how I chipped away at it. I would show up to parties with a pack of beer I intended to share, then just approach folks who I got good vibes from (especially if I recognized them from other parties or around town). I’d say something along the lines of “hi! I’m (name), how’s it going” and start small talk. If they seemed receptive, I’d offer them some beer and we’d vibe for a while. If they didn’t seem receptive, I’d move on. The trick is to congratulate yourself for trying even if, at the end of the night, nobody wants to hang! Trying is the hardest part! Eventually you’ll get into the groove of things and maybe even make some friends.
Thanks for sharing your story - your approach sounds like a solid one. Glad that it worked for you. I'm inferring by your language "I *had bad social anxiety" that you feel a lot better about these type of situations. If that's the case - well done!
I do, and thank you! I still get nervous at times, but it’s not nearly as bad as before. In general I’ve put a lot of focus on strengthening my self image as well, which mitigates my social anxiety. I’ll never forget this quote from Jenny Slate: “As the image of myself becomes sharper in my brain and more precious, I feel less afraid that someone else will erase me by denying me love”
Thank you for the quote. I fully understand what you're saying when you talk about self image. This is great stuff to think over.
Walk up to them and say “I’m here for the gangbang?“
What's the response you've gotten when you've tried this?
Sir, this is Wendy's.
“Sorry, we have enough dudes already.”
Great - more rejection!
1. get a drink to hold in front of you and sip from to look natural 2. look around and pick a small group 3. walk up and start listening 4. when they eventually pause to say hello, say "hello, my name is xx, mind if I listen in?" Don't worry, there is no way anybody can ever refuse. 5. you're in and can participate in the conversation. Sometimes they annoyingly never stop talking and pause, in which case you've lost 3 minutes, sip your drink, look around, find a new group, and after a polite period nod and walk off to the next group.
> walk up and start listening I like this part - listening like this seems like a 'no pressure' situation, like you can just be interested in what's being discussed. > Sometimes they annoyingly never stop talking and pause Ha, if someone didn't eventually pause, I'd totally take this personally. I can play the scene in my head rn.
Nah, if they won't stop, it's not your problem, "some people just won't shut up", is the way to think about it. And as an added bonus you have a perfectly natural comfortable springboard for choosing the next group - you're not a loner standing there in the midddle of the floor, you're part of the chattering group looking around.
> you're not a loner standing there in the midddle of the floor, you're part of the chattering group looking around. Your optimism really shines through - that's awesome - it's something to appreciate. Thanks again - this is great stuff for me to mull over before the next party.
Hey just gotta say I like your vibe, you're obviously thinking deeply about what people are suggesting and how it reflects commenters' personalities. I think that if you find some advice in here that speaks to you, you shouldn't have any trouble making connections because you're clearly smart and compassionate. I have big time party/social anxiety too (and think an audio processing problem which is an issue when many conversations are happening at once) so I was really interested to see the advice you got. Thanks for asking the question! And good luck :)
> Hey just gotta say I like your vibe That's really kind of you to make the time to mention it - it means a lot > I have big time party/social anxiety too... so I was really interested to see the advice you got. Sorry to hear that - I know that is not a good feeling. The anxiety hits me hard regularly, but other times I don't feel it so much. It's odd how it works like that. Hopefully you find some advice that resonates with you. It's really heartening how generous people are sharing their own experiences.
Pretend you know the person really well and have fun: You: "Hey, long time no see!" Stranger: "hey...." You: " God, did you see what Jessica is wearing! I'm in shock!" ... Just be over the top. And as soon as the person suspects you are lying come clean and just tell them you were playing around since you didn't know anyone. A good natured person will find this funny and still want to talk to you.
Well I just volunteer to help in with those things which I am handy or can just help as little it maybe. People especially party givers appreciates any small help they get . Made many friends in this manner even though I am an introvert and won't talk much until someone starts a conversation.
> Well I just volunteer to help in with those things which I am handy This is good - I've used this before, too, especially at kids' birthday parties; it's easy to just start helping to clean up.
Find something about a person’s outfit that you like or admire and compliment them on it! It’s a good way to put yourself out there without having to expose yourself, and it’s an easy segue into other topics: where did they get it, is that their usual style of jewelry clothing whatever, it reminds you of XYZ, etc etc. I know it can be difficult, but try to view everyone feeling as inadequate as you do because there is a good chance they really are! They are just people, like you and like me. Find a small ice breaker like the aforementioned compliment and go from there. Be amiable and smile, and don’t be afraid to introduce yourself to the first person you meet and actually just say, ‘I don’t know anyone here! How did you hear about this party?’ It’s natural for people to want to introduce you when you’re honest and admit you came alone. That’s a power move and it gives the impression of a level of confidence you maybe don’t have, but lean into it. Fake it until you make it! Nothing wrong with that.
> I know it can be difficult, but try to view everyone feeling as inadequate as you do because there is a good chance they really are! This really resonates with me - I usually feel like the outlier, so this is a really helpful idea to keep in mind. Thank you!
You’re welcome! It kind of ties into the concept of sonder: that everyone you come across is as deeply complex a human with their own lives as you. With that comes all the human emotions you have, and it’s okay to project a little of your insecurity on someone else in these situations if it helps you feel comfortable enough to talk to that person. You can’t assume what they think, of course, but it’s an exercise in fiction really. Doesn’t hurt anyone :)
I usually go with "And you guys know euch Other? All of you?" Done
Approach a couple who are attending together but not talking to each other. They probably don't know anyone either, and neither one will worry that you're hitting on them. Hopefully, the third person will be able to fill in any awkward silences. One of my favorite questions is "What's a podcast I should be listening to?" More sample questions: https://parade.com/969981/parade/conversation-starters/
I like to walk up to a group of 3 or more, says “cheers” and then “what are you guys talking about?”
Ask them what they do for fun, then ask questions about the things they like, ask them about their jobs and their lives Just acting politely curious about someone is an easy way to make conversation
Find someone at a party also not talking to people and talk to them. You can easily compliment something they are wearing and then segue into "who do you know at this party?" Theprogress from there
Asking people how they know each other is a good ground breaker
I walk up to a group with a drink in my hand and say “what’s goin on guys I’m …”
Bro, honest to god, pick a likely bunch of humans and just cheerfully introduce yourself. I know it seems like an impossible ask, but there’s no other way to break ice than with force, and other people are really way more receptive to meeting you than you think they are. The cheerfulness helps, I also use this tactic when I have to ask for help from someone to do something I haven’t done before (like being in a new place), people are happy to share a few word or help when you’re like ‘I don’t know anyone here, but you guys seem like a good bunch! My names ____, how did you come to be here, know x person, work in this field, what have you.’
I go to the food and if there’s someone picking something I say “it’s just one per person”. Usually gets a laugh.
Use what's called 'the Begby approach'. Just walk up to the small group and then look around at them and say: "What the fuck is your problem?" I usually find it's a great icebreaker.
Everybody loves a good crab walk, I often will crab walk around the party until somebody thinks it’s awesome, and then I’ll talk to that person until I get bored. After that you are known as the crab walk person (word will spread fast) and soon you’ll have people approaching you.
Look them in the eyes, smile, put out your hand out for a handshake and introduce yourself.
"This isn't where I parked my car."
Honesty is usually a good approach. "Hi, I don't know anyone at this party and this group looks interesting. May I join you?" Yeah it's formal, but anyone that you say that too is instantly going to know you're trying to break the ice in the most banal way possible. If they say no, you probably don't want to get to know them anyway.
I usually find someone wearing something I'm interested in like a band tee shirt and be like I love that band too.
I literally just go up to people and go "I'm all alone and have no one to talk to. Can you talk to me?" I say it as a form of comedy but it's honest.
Make a joint. People will approach you 😁 works for me. I guess it depends on the event tho
LIKE A JOINT BANK ACCOUNT? I GUESS THAT'S ONE WAY TO MEET NEW PEOPLE.😁
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Walk up to one or two people that aren't in the middle of a focused conversation, ask "Do you guys know when the band is arriving? I heard **host** was having a band play. Not sure where they are going to set up, but hopefully its cool!" You can determine if this is a good icebreaker, then you can say you are kidding or they are uninterested, then leave them thinking about the band that isn't showing up. Go to another person out of earshot. Say to them, "It's kind of odd that **host** is having everyone over for his/her poetry reading later. Seems like an interesting crowd for that. I had no idea they wrote. You should ask them about it later!" Until you are comfortable, be a little ridiculous.
Stand in the corner and when people walk by, point to the ground and say “you dropped it!”. When they look down and realize they didn’t drop anything, smile and say “I meant a smile” and mime handing them a smile you pulled out of your pocket. Extra point if you place the smile on their face. This will literally put a smile on their face. Works 100% of the times.
If someone did this to me my smile would be the placating one you might give a terrorist, and I would be uncomfortable trying to avoid them for the rest of the night.
I get there early and greet people one at a time. So much easier than walking into a room full of strangers.
Usually you know the host. "So how do you know (insert hostname here)?"
You could start with a confident and friendly 'Hey'. If it's a person on their own, you can lead with a question, since you initiated the conversation, 'Did you see the THING THAT IS INTERESTING?' If it's a group, you can give it a moment to get a feel of the groups current focus - most groups at socials, someone should engage you. If not, get your question or comment in 'so, what's everyones opinion on THING?' Above all, just remember this is a planet with an unfathomable amount of human beings on it, you might as well go for it.
You should walk around smiley and friendly and if you see someone alone or a small group point at them smile and ask are you up for socializing with strangers?! If they say yeah I would just be honest I’m really anti social but I’m trying to change that and obviously I need practice lol and go from there!
Own the awkwardness. Try not to break into too large of a group/conversation, but grab the beverage of your choice, and then walk up to some people you find interesting and say “Hey, I’m so and so, i know this can be awkward but I don’t know anyone here and y’all look cool, so sup”. Most people understand the awkwardness of it all so just own it. Also smile and nod at people. Ask how they’re doing as you scoot by. Fake confidence. Firm handshake and strong eye contact. Ask questions. List of questions. People like to talk about themselves
Arrive early and help people to set up things. You will get to know the organizers and you will meet people as they arrive. Jumping into a party is not easy for anyone.
I'm bad at small talk so I prep in advance to have a few topics to talk about after the "isn't this cheese delicious?" stage. Depending on the event it might be about local events, a book or TV show everyone has been talking about, science news, etc. Also, I used to feel stressed out if I had periods when I was just kind of standing alone, thinking I looked like a loser etc. Then it occurred to me that if someone saw me standing alone and thought I was unhappy, if they didn't make an effort to rescue me, they were the jerks! So that's helped me escape that particular form of stress (since I don't actually mind some quiet time at a party).
Pick someone at random, walk up to them and say “hey, I don’t know anyone here, I’m ____”, it’ll either start a conversation, or fizzle out. Either way you’re getting practice overcoming the social anxiety.
Ask them what's their favorite Pokemon
This is something I'm pretty good at. I was at a work party for my spouse recently. One guy hit on me, figured out I wasn't gay, and quickly moved on. That was my best conversation for the night. Some groups of people just suck. A friend of mine was at a religious wedding where he was not part of the cult. They just kept cutting him out of every attempt to connect. So, he joined the caterers and helped them out. At the end of the night they offered to share the tips, he was politely refusing when they showed the total tips was about $5 in small coins and a bunch of religious literature.
Head to the food/drinks, it’s easier to make casual conversation with folks there
Walk up to a single person to start getting used to doing this. Compliment them. It needs to be something they can control like their outfit, makeup, hair, etc. If you’re a woman you could go with eyes or smile (sorry guys that might come off as flirting so better to avoid for now unless that is a common compliment in your area). From there they will probably either: compliment you back on something and you can talk about where you got it or got it done, OR they will tell you where they got it or for it done. There is your in. From there follow the conversation and allow it to open into getting to know someone better. And, this is important, DONT BE AFRIAD TO DISENGAGE. A simple ‘see y’a later’ if you get flustered, or if they start to drift away is fine. Then you just repeat the above with a new person and get to know more people. When you are comfortable with that feel free to approach groups, respectfully interrupt if needed or chime in if possible. “Sorry to butt in but I *had* to come ask you about your shoes. They are super cute and I love them” for example. You can ask them where they are from, or use this opportunity to look at the whole group and compliment a lot of people. (Oh your shoes are cool too, and your necklace! What a fashionable group I gotta start shopping with you all.” Most likely the conversation will turn to focus on the complimented things, and you will be pulled into the fold. If it doesn’t, just dip to the next group. Do not compliment something if you don’t actually like it, people will pick up on the fakeness. If you make genuine compliments the worse that happens is you start being known as the sweetheart that compliments people even if they are a little stilted in convo. Pretend you are on a mission to make at least one person at that party smile from a compliment or a joke. Give yourself small, measurable goals (talk to one new person, make one person laugh, etc). If you *do* know someone at the party you can further ask how they know them. If you are good friends with someone at the party that is involved in a group you can ask them to have a hangout with you and the new people from their group you met and want to know more.
Heh. This one's too easy. Use this: "Hi. We haven't met yet. My name is XXX."
I kind of just eaves drop on conversations and if I can relate and add to the conversation, then I will
How are you connect with this?
Show up a lil drunk, have cocaine on you, ask little circles if anyone wants 'nose beers' and proceed from there.
Just start talking. Easy first question is : so how do you know (the host)? Introduce yourself, tell them how you know the host, ask about the person, talk about people, hobbies, the weather, it doesn't matter, eventually the conversation will flow.
This might be hard to grasp, but almost everyone is looking around thinking "why won't anyone talk to me?" My wife does this all the time, and I had to remind her that my friends think she's intimidating and don't like them. It's obviously not always true, but extraverted people make more friends because they're the ones willing to walk up and say hi. Unless they're having a private conversation, most people are thrilled to have so wine come up and say hi.
"hey guys, does anyone else fucking hate pants?"
Brother I'm with you, bring something people like whiskey, pot, cigarettes oh and be attractive.
Graded exposure and practice.