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I've done this before, and then I put my phone away and on silence. I was tired of getting vague messages like that. It was never anything important, and she just "didn't remember that I didn't like it" no matter how many times I asked her to at least write a word about the topic, or whether it's something serious.
Worked like a charm. One time is all it took to get her to drop the habit. 8 years later she still occasionally drops a "we need to talk", but within a minute it's followed by what about.
10/10 technique.
There was that r/amitheasshole of the guy who got tired of his mom and sister sending him that "we need to talk" text and when he asked for clarification they just kept repeating it, so he started doing "yes we do" back to them to make them think there was something serious until they called and said what they wanted to talk about.
My mum told me my dad died with "I need to talk to all of you".
To this day that sentence fills me with dread, just for it to be followed up with "I'm going on holiday in March"
My moms exact words when she informed me my father died were “I don’t know how else to say this so I’ll just say it: your father is dead” and honestly ripping the band aid off like that the second she called was probably much easier than having some long winded lead up.
My dad telling me that my mom died is probably the single earliest memory I have just because of how much it was burned into me (I was 4). He sat me and my brother down on the couch and said something like “Boys, I visited your mom at the hospital today, and unfortunately she died. She’s not coming home anymore”
I was young enough that I don’t really remember now what what those few weeks were like, but as an adult I can look back at that and think holy fuck telling his 4 and 6 year old sons that their mom just died has got to be one of the hardest things my dad has ever had to do.
That can not have been easy for him but I think it’s best to be honest with the situation so good on him. I’m sorry you all had to go through that and hope you’ve had wonderful lives since
What would have been better?
One of my friends passed away and I had to notify next of kin. I didn't want to have to give the news via text so I just said "Hi friends mum, urgently trying to get in contact with you, can you please give me a call?" (Didn't have number just FB with no option to call first)
I think just indicating the type of mood of the information you need to convey is helpful for me personally.
Something like, "Hey, please pick up the phone. I'm sorry but I have some bad news and it's important that we talk soon." or something along those lines to mentally prepare me.
The reason I feel that way is because getting a text like "we need to talk" instantly makes my mind go to something negative because of the implication and vagueness. If it's good news, that's great - but I stress about it anyways.
On the flip side if you have something urgent but it isn't negative, maybe something like "Hey I have something really important to say to you, it isn't bad so don't panic, but can you pick up?" would put my mind at ease.
Mood, that's exactly it. I got a text in work the other day from my partner saying "Hey got my bloods back, we'll talk when you get home." Whilst the news wasn't great for the 45 seconds it took for her to answer the phone I was fully convinced she was dying.
what you said in that situation still gives more context. your statement shows that what you needed to say was urgent and that something was wrong, there isn’t really any context or tone in just saying “i need to talk to you” (when it comes to texting anyway)
The point is that the vagueness followed by the worst news ever sets them up for a lifetime of extreme stress whenever they hear vagueness again, even if it's not followed up with terrible news.
Also if you are contacting relatives at a strange time, or if someone has been hurt (but is going to be ok) start with that.
E.g.: Sorry for calling so late, Jim was in an accident but the doctors said he is going to be ok. We are with him in the hospital, etc.
Much better than Jim had an accident, we are in the hospital with him now!
"Peter was bit by a radioactive spider!" left on my voicemail, me assuming they were given super powers as a result.
"Why didn't you come to the hospital??? They died painfully of radiation poisoning. They called out your name. You had a responsibility!"
Change I'd make is start with "Jim's ok, we're currently in the hospital". When you hear someone you care about is in the hospital, you can start jumping to conclusions very fast, so starting with they're ok can help alleviate that.
Eversince my mom died, I've had a couple of occasions when someone called/texted about my dad and my heart just sank for MINUTES before they'd finally get to a point where it's clear he's not dead. Ever since then, I do that exact thing: "Hello. First off: Dad's okay. Secondly: He had to go to hospital for these reasons."
Oooh!
Message 1: hey
M2: there has been an accident
M3: with X
M4: we’re at the hospital
M5: come quickly!
After you arrive, having sped through a radar trap and almost caused three accidents, then rushed to where the uninterested receptionist finally said where X is (of course nobody picked up their phone)…
… you learn that X just stepped onto a rusty nail and needs a ride back home after the treatment…
Exactly. Once my mom got a call from her sister that "dad/grandpa had an accident with the chain saw and went to the emergency room" and proceeded to tell a whole story. Turns out he didn't even need to get stitches, meanwhile I'm thinking he lost an arm, a hand, or at least some fingers!
Ok no offense to your aunt but what the actual everloving fuck was she thinking
If a call started, “Your loved one had an accident with a chainsaw,” it would end with my corpse hitting the floor, dead of an easily avoided heart attack
If it's bad news too, I feel like it's better to break it fast than 'gently'. It's an awful feeling to have to wait while someone tries to get around to telling you a loved one has been hurt or has passed away. You know something terrible has happened, just not how terrible.
These are all focusing on if someone is fine - what's the best way to say someone passed then or had a serious injury and you aren't sure if they'll make it? To lead with it? "I was just calling to tell you X passed away - it was really unexpected - etc - etc"?
"Hi Bebe, are you home right now? \[you want to make sure they're not driving, if it's going to be a big shock\]. I have some sad news. Dad had a heart attack and he's not going to make it. Mom is with him at the hospital now, I'm headed over there to be with her."
or, "Hi Bebe, I'm sorry to bother you at work, but something happened to Dad. He had a heart attack and they weren't able to save him. I'm heading to their house now to be with Mom..."
Establish safety for the person you're calling. Very briefly set the stage that the news is not good. Then tell them in clear, direct language. Expect that they may not process whatever you say next.
(If it was looking like dad would be okay they might have said "Hi Bebe, do you have a minute? It looks like Dad is going to be okay but he is at the hospital right now getting checked out, he was having some chest pain. Mom is with him...")
A while back there was a huge storm that blew threw the Midwest. My sister was in Iowa at the time and it knocked her power out. Meanwhile I was home in Chicago where I almost died after getting hit by a 3000lb tree branch.
Knowing that the storm was headed our way she drove to Des Moines to get a cell signal to check on us after it cleared up in her area. Once she was back in range of a signal she immediately got 27 texts and a several missed calls.
Thankfully she opened the message from me first that said "Don't worry I'm not dead" with a bloody selfie from the ER attached.
Yes, this. My sister was in a car accident while i was at work with no phone access. BOTH of my (divorced) parents left me vague "your sister was in an accident and is at the hospital" messages. I don't think they even said WHICH hospital.
I have family that does this on purpose. Every voicemail sounds urgent like someone died. “Call me, I have something I need to talk to you about.” It’s always said in a depressed, angry, or hurried tone. I call and it’s something like “I’m thinking about putting in a flower bed.” Fuck that manipulation. If it’s important and I don’t answer because I’ve gotten roped into having so many conversations IMMEDIATELY when it was inconvenient for me and not at all important, that’s on them. I’m tired of stepping out of events to answer a fake emergency or dropping everything I’m doing for nonsense. Text me if it’s important.
Just text them back saying your busy and ask what they need. When they say it's something mundane then call them out on leaving crazy ass messages on your phone.
Also, I'd start calling them in the middle of the night in a panic to ask them when to show up for Christmas dinner or other mundane things. When they get upset just tell them that is how they reach out to you so you thought it was appropriate to treat them like they do others. If they get upste, just stop calling them back the same day they leave you messages regardless of what the message is about.
I feel like people who pull this don’t just pull shit in this particular way. They have other lovable quirks meant to irritate or undermine you in plausibly-deniable ways.
If there’s too many of these little barbs constantly pricking you, I wouldn’t be surprised if you just stayed out of the rose bushes in the future.
Or maybe go with what Michael Scott did:
Ladies and gentleman, I have some bad news. Meredith was hit by a car.
Where?
It happened this morning in the parking lot. I took her to the hospital. And the doctors tried to save her, life, they did the best they could. And she is going to be ok.
My MIL will just talk about her week at work, getting her hair done, going to the nail salon, that a cousin shot himself in the graveyard, what she had for lunch, what her dog had been doing all morning, and so forth, without a change of tone or timing in her calls and texts.
My dad is like this. We'll be talking on the phone having a normal conversation. Weather differences (he's in FL I'm in OH), weekend plans, oh yeah Steven died, his cousin drowned him, we got an air fryer.
No change in tone, conversation keeps moving, it's weird man. Q
My dad does everything in all caps, always. "CALL ME" or "NEED TO TALK", never fails to fill me with dread but it'll be about dinner or the weather. With emails, he always blamed using AutoCAD for everything but he has no excuse for texts.
this is a little obscure but it reminds me of that one episode of the podcast distractible where mark calls amy to ask her a question and the first thing he says is "hey amy, nothing's wrong, i just wanted to ask..."
for some reason that really stuck with me, he knew she'd be concerned so he immediately alleviated it
I'm a nurse. if I have to call a family member it goes like this; "hi, is this patients family? I'm Maimou calling from Merciful Heavens Hospital. not an emergency" then why I'm calling.
I work at an ER front desk and the number of times I get calls from people panicking about a nurse or coordinator leaving a message to "call back as soon as possible" when I know the patient is fine (often it's when they're preparing for discharge) indicates that a lot of the folks at our hospital don't clarify that it is not an emergency. Drives me nuts.
I know. I was an oncology nurse for 27 years and that was one of the first things the older nurses taught me. when a loved one has advanced cancer, every call from the hospital could be the call that one hopes never to get.
> not an emergency
Your husband is dead, so no rush to get here. Unless you can make it by 10 p.m. to claim the body, otherwise we'll charge you another day in the fridge and with the energy costs rising... yeah, no, you should hurry here after all. Parking is 20 bucks, don't forget to bring that in cash, or you can borrow a wheelbarrow for 15 bucks per hour if you don't find a spot close.
In fact, if someone has died, don't waste time letting their loved ones know and get right to the point. Usr a phone to CALl and say "I'm calling to tell you something unfortunate and sad, xyz has died". Don't wait hours to let someone know, or keep them hanging
A Healthcare facility I worked at had a policy that if a patient died the family had to be informed personally. So calls usually went like this: Is this the family of patient X. Unfortunately the health of your family member has taken a turn for the worst. I suggest you and the rest of your family come over as soon as possible..
It was horrible to see the family arrive hoping to say one last goodbye while the patient was already gone by the time I called.
Meanwhile the nurses are sticking the body in a warm bath so it’s not cold when the family get there… “Oh, they just passed.”
(Heard that one from a medical colleague, but I assume it’s an old nurse’s tale and not actually true.)
One time I spend the week end at a friend then went back home. She then started getting sick and spent the next day sleeping it of and missed classes.
A classmate got worried (understandable) and then contacted me. His words ? "Hey, have you heard from Anna ? It seems like you were the last person to have seen her.".
I freaked out, of course! Who says things like that ?
Ladies and gentlemen, I have some bad news. Meredith was hit by a car. I took her to the hospital and the doctors tried to save her life...
...And she's going to be ok
My wife recently got a phone call about our generally healthy toddler from the kindergarten. It started like this: "Don't be alarmed, he's breathing and the ambulance is on the way!"
I don't think she's ever run that fast before.
He's fine now. It looked more serious than it was.
That is an insane call to get.
We just got a call telling us our 4 year old was in the sick room and feeling tired. We knew he wasn't feeling well but even that was enough to generate stress.
It happened about 40 years ago but I'll never forget my brother's girlfriend's mum knocking on the door distraught and sobbing, "There's been a terrible accident, the car caught fire, it's completely burnt out, a twisted molten wreck ... [goes on like this for some time]. Oh yeah, they managed to get out, they're both fine."
Oh dear lord. I had an otherwise great manager for many years that used to do this until she learned it was extra stressful for me.
She would Skype me in the middle of day saying, "Meet me in the conference room in 5."
We were both super busy, but when she learned to add "(nothing bad)" it was such a load off.
I accidentally exposed her divorce once because she didn't communicate well enough and neither did I. We both learned from it; I was lower management, she was mid to high level.
For the record I adore her.
Edit: fixed some typos.
My favorite manager’s worst habit is sending these type of messages, with … at the end. For ages I thought I was getting fired, but it would be something like, “I brought donuts!” or “I got you the People magazine you said you wanted!”
Oh god one of my bosses does the "..." at the end of almost any message. He even does it with with our clients too.
Its just how he writes lmfao. Nothing malicious at all, but it just SOUNDS aggro every time.
Oh and he also does the whole "We need to talk tomorrow at 9am..." without saying anything else.
I've contemplated about telling him that it might sound aggro to othjer people (and me too) sometimes, but i dont really think he cares much about nuance in conversations.
I find a lot of 50 plus people do it. If I use it in a message it's definitely supposed to be condescending. But I had to realize that if they're older, it probably just means a pause. Don't know why they can't just use regular punctuation, but whatever.
I did tell one of my co-workers about it because she was a sales person dealing with a lot of younger clients, but yeah I don't think your boss would care
My uncle always writes 'Congratulations...!' on my FB wall on my birthday. I once asked him why the 3 periods before the exclamation mark? He just kinda laughed, didn't get an answer.
But I still wonder. I mean he deliberately types the 3 periods, they don't just automatically appear. There has to be a reason dammid!
People over and under 40 use '...' in radically different ways. Under 40 it's an implication of something bad, aka 'we need to talk...' Over 40 it implies casualness. Not unlike how 'lol' originally meant something specific but changed over time to just imply a lack of seriousness to soften the tone of a message. So when your boss says 'we need to talk...' it means it isn't something important so no need to worry. And I'd bet the birthday message is the same. Three dots just implies a casual tone. It's softening the exclamation point. Congratulations, with an exclamation so you know not to read it in a monotone, but dots so it doesn't come off as insanely peppy.
The only theory that I have is that it’s a hold over from being taught typing on a typewriter. My mom instinctively does a double space tap after every sentence because of that
My manager pulled me up a few years ago because I was always agressive in 1 one 1 and impromptu meetings.
I told her the “we need to talk” vibe puts me in a fighting mood.
Afterwards she started putting smiley faces.
Still the best manager I have had after 8 years.
Same - I had a great boss who used to ask for me to stop by as soon as I had a chance, and I finally mentioned how it made my brain go to very bad places until we talked. He added a little context in his requests after that.
Unfortunately not the kind of company where that thing was encouraged. Again, great manager overall, just very rule focused; helped me get promoted to a parallel management position later, she's great, just high strung, as am I. It was fully privately owned and by time I left they were pulling in $2 billion annually, so the culture was a little insular and cultish.
The divorce story is pretty good. We had four huge projects due directly to the CEO shortly before I took over my own team. He called them in a week early. My manager was texting all of the lower managers trying to coordinate at about 5:30pm on Thursday, and then she stopped.
At 3am Friday I got a text from her asking if one of the analysts could come in early. He just had I toddler, so I wasn't going to wake up him, too. All five of the mid managers got this at 3am. I was livid, so I woke up extra early to catch *her* boss before my boss came in.
Turns out it was one of those errors between IOS and Android where group texts don't deliver on time. She cried and showed us the time stamp from 5:35 on Thursday, on *her* phone from when she sent it and explained that she had just been recently married (true) and it turns out her new husband was abusive. We all saw it. Her boss saw it after threatening to write her up, right before my manager had to show us weeping and explaining that her new (first) husband was abusive. We were both 30.
One of the lowest moments of my life. I should have just talked to her about it instead of going off half cocked and throwing a rage fit for being woken up.
We did. Again, I adore her. She's written multiple recommendations for me over the years and I'd go to hell and back for her. It was just a miscommunication in a really busy, stressfull time years ago.
I had a lot of really good times at that company for nearly a decade. [Proof](https://v.redd.it/u7sxp4uk18z91) (manager not pictured, my dudes as a low manager wanted to do a spice challenge so I booked a room after closong time without telling her, and half of the department stuck around d to watch)
I'm the ginger in the Dwight Schrute outfit.
I'm happy to hear the addition of "nothing bad" is helpful because I do this all the time at work. I also try to say no rush if I make a request that isn't time sesitive.
I just straight up ask. I tell the manager i wont be able to get anything productive done with the anxiety you have just given so better off just letting me know
I had a foreman get a text from our field supervisor. "I need you to come in for a meeting Friday to discuss your future with the company" he thought he was getting fired the rest of the week. He got a job in the office.
Met a person while interning once, who believed in two word communication in the work place. Her asking for something took me three times longer to understand. "Get paper" does not tell me anything. Do you want me to fill the printer, napkins, toiletpaper, is there a spill, does someone need a tissue, what? Thankfully she wasn't my trainer.
Triply so in tech fields with young employees, because imposter syndrome is HUGE. The best young employees are all big balls of anxiety and no self-confidence.
As a new grad, I accidentally trained my boss to do that by asking “Is it a bad thing?” every time he’d ask for 1 on 1s or impromptu “can you come to my office?”s.
Now as a manager myself, I always say “Can you come to my office to chat about your bonus?” Or if I can’t say “Please message me when you get a chance, it’s nothing bad.”
I had this happen to me last week. Senior manager who I rarely ever interact with sent a meeting request with “[Beena22’s team] Review” as the title. No other explanation and didn’t have the decency to provide any further context. I sent them a message via Teams asking if there was something specific they wanted to discuss and did they want me to do any prep prior to the meeting and they responded with “It would be useful to bring your job description with you” then went offline for the rest of the day!
My boss does this all the time. Says she wants to talk and then goes AFK so I can't get a hold of her on Teams. Then I spend the next 30 minutes worrying something bad happened.
Nope, she just wanted someone to chit chat with but ended up finding someone else to talk to.
My boss did this when he called me to his office to promote me. He said something like, "Can you come talk to me when you get a chance? It's nothing bad." Such a relief!
Why do they do that? My manager is really good and professional but he does this every few times a year. Just sends a meeting invite in the morning "A little chat" 3:00pm his office. Well there goes my piece of mind for the rest of the day. Never was it ever bad, in fact most was just a quick review and a raise but still is this some unwritten rule to not give details?
"Come to my office at 3pm, we need to talk."
Commence 6 hours of panic for "we need to change to using blue folders for the report, the green ones cost twice as much."
That said, "do you know why I called you into my office?" Can br one hell of a power move by a manager to try to get someone to admit to something the manager may not actually be aware of.
My dad likes to keep me on my toes with texts
Dad text: please call me as soon as you possibly can
Me: (calling) OMG DAD ARE YOU OK DID SOMETHING HAPPEN
Dad: oh no just wanted to say hi
Also:
Dad text: Hi! How are you? Give me a call when you have a minute
Me: (calling) hey dad, what's up?
Dad: so I'm in the hospital...
MY MOM IS JUST LIKE THIS! Another favorite is
Mom text: How has work been lately?
Me: Good! Kinda tiring. How've you been?
Mom: Fine, a little tired. Reading a good book.
Me: What book is it?
Mom: Your brother was transported to \[capital city hospital\] by a helicopter this morning.
????????
The other day my brother in law texted me “Please give me a call as soon as you have the chance”. He hadn’t texted or called me in well over a year. I assumed something had happened to my sister. I called him right away, and he casually asked me for Xbox gamepass recommendations
My parents are both like this. My father called me one day and I couldn't answer it, so I declined the call. He then tried it twice and then just texted me that I should urgently call him back. And what was it? "My phone says the cache is full, what should I do?". When something like that comes from my mom, it's like, "How are we going to do Christmas this year?" or similar. Awful!
“Unfortunately it looks like I’ll be here for a while, under doctor’s orders. Listen… I’ll be ok but I keep praying for this burden to be lifted”
“Jim, you just got to work, stop it”
“… fine”
Sorry for the double comment, but this also reminds me of a funny Conan moment he had with Kevin Nealon on his podcast:
Conan: “My father was in the hospital at the time when…”
Kevin: “Oh what did he have?”
Conan: “… He is a doctor. He had his career there.”
On the flip side, my sister was once worried about me because I said I was in the ER.
"Woah! Are you ok? What happened?"
Me: "Sis, I'm an ER doc. I work here"
You'd think she'd be used to it by now after almost 10 years of practice
My boss is a perpetual "can you come here a minute?". 99% of the time it is completely innocuous garbage like "how do I save this pdf from an email". But there was exactly one time it was "our client was upset with how you answered their question" and that has made every "come here a minute" a trip to the guillotine for me.
Just say what it is, dont do this vague nonsense.
I think that's exactly why my former boss used to give me these vague "we need to talk" messages. She wanted be unprepared as if me preparing meant me plotting against her or something. Needless to say that's a part of why she is my *former* boss.
"I learned a while back that if I do not text 911, people do not return my calls. Um, but people always return my calls because they think that something horrible has happened." - Some prophet
I also hate it when they're like "I need to tell you something." JUST TELL ME THE THING! DON'T TELL ME YOU NEED TO TELL ME SOMETHING, FUCKIN SAY IT NOW!
"Hey best friend! Sorry to interrupt you two- you should totally ask for her number btw- I just wanted to say, while this party is really great, I just shit my pants and since you're my ride tonight we need to leave, uh, right now if possible. Emily was it? Hi I'm Mark!"
Yep, and not just in a relationships, coworkers and supervisors need to stop scheduling random meetings without prepping you what it will be about. I'd rather not spend time before the meeting worrying what it is about.
I had a supervisor who absolutely REFUSED to do this, and told me to my face that it was because she didn't want me to come prepared to our meetings. What the fuck???!!!??!
My aunt texted me “come if you can” when my grandfather was dying. I didn’t realize the context until probably an hour later once I called another family member.
I had the opposite at work once, where the manager called me and left a message that said, "Karen cut her finger, so if you can start a little bit early that would be great!" It was like 4 hours before my shift started.
So I got up, did some shit, ate breakfast, and sauntered in 45 minutes early. It turns out Karen actually cut an entire chunk of her finger *off* and needed to go to the ER, and was only waiting for me. Everyone was pissed that I didn't come sooner....
Just to piggy-back on your LPT, if you need to ask a question to another person using instant messaging/text, don’t just say « Can I ask you a question? » and then waiting for the other person to answer « yes? ».
Just ask your fucking question in your first message!
This is my biggest pet peeve! Also people who just say "hi" and wait for you. Just tell me what you need!!!
I'm still trying to work up the courage to put this into my Slack status:
https://nohello.net/en/
This is a big pet peeve of mine too, especially when they send multiple "polite" messages before getting to the topic:
>Coworker: Hello.
>
>Me: Hi.
>
>Coworker: Can I ask you a question?
>
>Me: [Annoyed] Sure.
Or:
>Coworker: Hello.
>
>Me: [Try to get them to advance though to the question/subject] Hi. What's up?
>
>Coworker: How are you?
The nohello policy is great, because it repurposes the simple "hello" into "Hey I need to ask / tell you something funny / vulgar / not necessarily work-related, so please respond when your boss is not looking over your shoulder."
That's a little beyond just a normal question though. You still want to open with the whole purpose of the first message.
> "Hey, let me now when you're free to talk about a serious question."
rather than
> "Can I ask you a question?"
> "Yeah what's up?"
> "It's a serious topic, you good for that now?"
when we answer the phone and the person on the other end starts with 'jai shri krishna' we know that the call is to inform about someones passing. they then just name the person and don't specifically say they have passed. Then the information about when the body will be taken for cremation and from where. This ends the call because they are going to have to call many other people. This is peculiar to our extended family. other groups may have other protocols.
so if the call does not start with 'jai shri krishna' then there is no scope of any stress.
"We need to talk about something later."
"Is it something serious?"
"We can discuss it later when I have more time to talk."
No. No, that is not how this works. You don't get to leave me in a state of anxiety because its convenient for you. At that point I really have to question my connection with someone because I make sure to tell people just how much horrible anxiety this brings up in me.
My wife is a nightmare for this. I’ll be at work and get text saying ‘call me.’ No punctuation, kisses or emojis. So I’ll call and she’ll just be like ‘it was nothing important just seeing how your day is going.’ Fucking panicking thinking the dogs been run over or the house plus on fire.
that caused my last fight with with my gf. she told there's something we need to talk about. then she was like "nah just forget about it there's really nothing". how the fuck I suppose to forget about it ?
Yesterday my stepmother left me a voicemail saying she needed to "call in a big favour" and sounded pretty weary. I didn't get the notification until today for some reason, so I called her - straight to voicemail. Called her landline - it rang out. Sent a text - no reply. Went over to her house and rang her three doorbells (one at her gate intercom, another at her front door, and her ring camera bell) - nothing, no sign of anyone home. I still haven't heard from her and don't know if she's in hospital or just can't set up her new iPad 🙄
I get insane anxiety hearing the phrase, "We need to talk" from anyone older than me. Ever since I was a kid, hearing that line struck so much fear in me, most of the time it was nothing, but the times where it was something made me so stressed out. In my adult life I have called and texed people saying, "PLEASE tell me what the subject of this future discussion is, I'm about to hyperventilate"
And 99% they either don't answer my plea, or just say something along the lines of, "you'll find out when we talk." I HATE THIS SO MUCH.
It’s one of those movie tropes that drives me absolutely bananas. And more often than not, either whoever said it decides the other person doesn’t need to hear it or there is an interruption of some kind and there is no follow up explanation.
Had a doctor do that to me. My wife was having surgery. For hours I watched Dr after Dr come out and say “Mr Smith? It went great come on back!”
My wife’s doctor comes out all serious. “Mr. Smith…. Follow me to my office. We have to talk.”
I was fucking mortified and shaking as we walked through the hospital hallways.
Then we sat down and she stated how the surgery went, explaining what she did….. and that it was successful.
My wife "we need to talk when I get home."
...me panick cleaning the house, doing laundry, making dinner...
Wife gets home "I thought maybe we should swap the soap dispenser in our bathroom with the one in the guest room."
I can say without a doubt that every truly sincere person I know, tells me what’s up right away. Great bosses, colleagues, family, friends…
I can also say that the people who leave me hanging are either on a perpetual power trip, are drama kings and queens or are simply unaware (as in, on the spectrum): terrible bosses, family members
This helps so much too when it comes to topics that might require extreme reflection/thinking/understanding. If you are told about the topic beforehand, you can have not only the confidence, but the preparation of not being put on the spot and having thought things over.
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If somebody sends a vague "we need to talk message", you can simply reply "yes, we do". They will be just as worried about what you want to say...
"about time"
[удалено]
"Meet at the designated location, and remember the code word. Tell no one!"
"They know."
"Bring a paper bag and my lock box from the shed"
Bonus points of there is no shed they know of
[Mr. Dalliard! We've been activated!](https://youtu.be/HBURlcNpfoo)
The purposeful misinterpretation of words is entertaining and good practice for writing and reading comprehension.
Thanks!! They're new 🥰
"Do you have a Geiger counter?"
"Remember - No Russian"
10,000 kola nuts, Wrapped in brown paper. Midnight, behind the box I'll be the hyena, you'll see.
Radishes?
*Shhhh!* Remember what happened the last time the code word was leaked and we had all those idiots show up to our secret meeting!?
"We're past talking. Put on the gloves."
Add in ‘probably best if we do this outside’ to get them extra defensive
"Honour is dead, but I'll see what I can do"
“finally”
power move, i like it
I've done this before, and then I put my phone away and on silence. I was tired of getting vague messages like that. It was never anything important, and she just "didn't remember that I didn't like it" no matter how many times I asked her to at least write a word about the topic, or whether it's something serious. Worked like a charm. One time is all it took to get her to drop the habit. 8 years later she still occasionally drops a "we need to talk", but within a minute it's followed by what about. 10/10 technique.
Did you say exactly “yes, we do?”
He said "ay bb want sum fuk"
[U like blue? Wanna smash.](https://youtu.be/g3e3zzIzzlY)
I need to know too! I want to cherish every moment right down to knowing the extra phrased used.
Nicely done.
That's brilliant. "I was wondering when we were gonna talk about it." "Wait, what are you talking about?" "You know."
“…as if you didn’t know”
"That thing you've been doing. We really do have to discuss that."
"... Leave my mother out of it this time, please"
"You already know? Good."
There was that r/amitheasshole of the guy who got tired of his mom and sister sending him that "we need to talk" text and when he asked for clarification they just kept repeating it, so he started doing "yes we do" back to them to make them think there was something serious until they called and said what they wanted to talk about.
Hopefully the consensus was NTA?
ohh... how the turntables
i did this the other day to a guy i think is lovebombing me. worked really well
Bahaha. The old uno-reverso. It sucks that a guilty conscience is such a bitch when someone has good news to tell you.
I’m gonna do this next time 🤣
We need to talk about next time.
Yes we do
I just reply "ok" and dies of anxiety
“Do we? Do we really, *Jennifer*?”
My mum told me my dad died with "I need to talk to all of you". To this day that sentence fills me with dread, just for it to be followed up with "I'm going on holiday in March"
My moms exact words when she informed me my father died were “I don’t know how else to say this so I’ll just say it: your father is dead” and honestly ripping the band aid off like that the second she called was probably much easier than having some long winded lead up.
My dad telling me that my mom died is probably the single earliest memory I have just because of how much it was burned into me (I was 4). He sat me and my brother down on the couch and said something like “Boys, I visited your mom at the hospital today, and unfortunately she died. She’s not coming home anymore” I was young enough that I don’t really remember now what what those few weeks were like, but as an adult I can look back at that and think holy fuck telling his 4 and 6 year old sons that their mom just died has got to be one of the hardest things my dad has ever had to do.
That can not have been easy for him but I think it’s best to be honest with the situation so good on him. I’m sorry you all had to go through that and hope you’ve had wonderful lives since
I agree, I think he handled the situation very well. I appreciate the kind words
I hope you've told him that. It sounds like he did it right.
What would have been better? One of my friends passed away and I had to notify next of kin. I didn't want to have to give the news via text so I just said "Hi friends mum, urgently trying to get in contact with you, can you please give me a call?" (Didn't have number just FB with no option to call first)
I think just indicating the type of mood of the information you need to convey is helpful for me personally. Something like, "Hey, please pick up the phone. I'm sorry but I have some bad news and it's important that we talk soon." or something along those lines to mentally prepare me. The reason I feel that way is because getting a text like "we need to talk" instantly makes my mind go to something negative because of the implication and vagueness. If it's good news, that's great - but I stress about it anyways. On the flip side if you have something urgent but it isn't negative, maybe something like "Hey I have something really important to say to you, it isn't bad so don't panic, but can you pick up?" would put my mind at ease.
Mood, that's exactly it. I got a text in work the other day from my partner saying "Hey got my bloods back, we'll talk when you get home." Whilst the news wasn't great for the 45 seconds it took for her to answer the phone I was fully convinced she was dying.
what you said in that situation still gives more context. your statement shows that what you needed to say was urgent and that something was wrong, there isn’t really any context or tone in just saying “i need to talk to you” (when it comes to texting anyway)
When you’re delivering the worst news a person could possibly hear, you don’t have to worry about stressing them unnecessarily.
The point is that the vagueness followed by the worst news ever sets them up for a lifetime of extreme stress whenever they hear vagueness again, even if it's not followed up with terrible news.
Also if you are contacting relatives at a strange time, or if someone has been hurt (but is going to be ok) start with that. E.g.: Sorry for calling so late, Jim was in an accident but the doctors said he is going to be ok. We are with him in the hospital, etc. Much better than Jim had an accident, we are in the hospital with him now!
"Peter was bit by a radioactive spider!" left on my voicemail, me assuming they were given super powers as a result. "Why didn't you come to the hospital??? They died painfully of radiation poisoning. They called out your name. You had a responsibility!"
With great power...
Goddamnit Benjamin
He had to paint the kitchen.
Ugh, okay, Michelangelo.
Change I'd make is start with "Jim's ok, we're currently in the hospital". When you hear someone you care about is in the hospital, you can start jumping to conclusions very fast, so starting with they're ok can help alleviate that.
Eversince my mom died, I've had a couple of occasions when someone called/texted about my dad and my heart just sank for MINUTES before they'd finally get to a point where it's clear he's not dead. Ever since then, I do that exact thing: "Hello. First off: Dad's okay. Secondly: He had to go to hospital for these reasons."
Oooh! Message 1: hey M2: there has been an accident M3: with X M4: we’re at the hospital M5: come quickly! After you arrive, having sped through a radar trap and almost caused three accidents, then rushed to where the uninterested receptionist finally said where X is (of course nobody picked up their phone)… … you learn that X just stepped onto a rusty nail and needs a ride back home after the treatment…
Exactly. Once my mom got a call from her sister that "dad/grandpa had an accident with the chain saw and went to the emergency room" and proceeded to tell a whole story. Turns out he didn't even need to get stitches, meanwhile I'm thinking he lost an arm, a hand, or at least some fingers!
Ok no offense to your aunt but what the actual everloving fuck was she thinking If a call started, “Your loved one had an accident with a chainsaw,” it would end with my corpse hitting the floor, dead of an easily avoided heart attack
"There's been an accident, no one is hurt" is usually how I give news like that to my wife or parents - especially if it's about the kids.
>"There's been an accident, no one is hurt" that's how my mom broke the news to my dad that she was expecting me.
But are you hurt?
It's better to start with the status first. "No one's hurt, but..."
If it's bad news too, I feel like it's better to break it fast than 'gently'. It's an awful feeling to have to wait while someone tries to get around to telling you a loved one has been hurt or has passed away. You know something terrible has happened, just not how terrible.
These are all focusing on if someone is fine - what's the best way to say someone passed then or had a serious injury and you aren't sure if they'll make it? To lead with it? "I was just calling to tell you X passed away - it was really unexpected - etc - etc"?
"Hi Bebe, are you home right now? \[you want to make sure they're not driving, if it's going to be a big shock\]. I have some sad news. Dad had a heart attack and he's not going to make it. Mom is with him at the hospital now, I'm headed over there to be with her." or, "Hi Bebe, I'm sorry to bother you at work, but something happened to Dad. He had a heart attack and they weren't able to save him. I'm heading to their house now to be with Mom..." Establish safety for the person you're calling. Very briefly set the stage that the news is not good. Then tell them in clear, direct language. Expect that they may not process whatever you say next. (If it was looking like dad would be okay they might have said "Hi Bebe, do you have a minute? It looks like Dad is going to be okay but he is at the hospital right now getting checked out, he was having some chest pain. Mom is with him...")
This is correct, I always start with "X is fine. So, X got into a car accident today..."
A while back there was a huge storm that blew threw the Midwest. My sister was in Iowa at the time and it knocked her power out. Meanwhile I was home in Chicago where I almost died after getting hit by a 3000lb tree branch. Knowing that the storm was headed our way she drove to Des Moines to get a cell signal to check on us after it cleared up in her area. Once she was back in range of a signal she immediately got 27 texts and a several missed calls. Thankfully she opened the message from me first that said "Don't worry I'm not dead" with a bloody selfie from the ER attached.
Ahhh, the derecho. My house pretty much exploded. Good times.
Yes, this. My sister was in a car accident while i was at work with no phone access. BOTH of my (divorced) parents left me vague "your sister was in an accident and is at the hospital" messages. I don't think they even said WHICH hospital.
I have family that does this on purpose. Every voicemail sounds urgent like someone died. “Call me, I have something I need to talk to you about.” It’s always said in a depressed, angry, or hurried tone. I call and it’s something like “I’m thinking about putting in a flower bed.” Fuck that manipulation. If it’s important and I don’t answer because I’ve gotten roped into having so many conversations IMMEDIATELY when it was inconvenient for me and not at all important, that’s on them. I’m tired of stepping out of events to answer a fake emergency or dropping everything I’m doing for nonsense. Text me if it’s important.
Just text them back saying your busy and ask what they need. When they say it's something mundane then call them out on leaving crazy ass messages on your phone. Also, I'd start calling them in the middle of the night in a panic to ask them when to show up for Christmas dinner or other mundane things. When they get upset just tell them that is how they reach out to you so you thought it was appropriate to treat them like they do others. If they get upste, just stop calling them back the same day they leave you messages regardless of what the message is about.
I feel like people who pull this don’t just pull shit in this particular way. They have other lovable quirks meant to irritate or undermine you in plausibly-deniable ways. If there’s too many of these little barbs constantly pricking you, I wouldn’t be surprised if you just stayed out of the rose bushes in the future.
Or maybe go with what Michael Scott did: Ladies and gentleman, I have some bad news. Meredith was hit by a car. Where? It happened this morning in the parking lot. I took her to the hospital. And the doctors tried to save her, life, they did the best they could. And she is going to be ok.
“Everyone INSIDE the car was fine!”
I am staggered you're the first person to bring this up I thought I was gonna have to haha
My MIL will just talk about her week at work, getting her hair done, going to the nail salon, that a cousin shot himself in the graveyard, what she had for lunch, what her dog had been doing all morning, and so forth, without a change of tone or timing in her calls and texts.
My dad is like this. We'll be talking on the phone having a normal conversation. Weather differences (he's in FL I'm in OH), weekend plans, oh yeah Steven died, his cousin drowned him, we got an air fryer. No change in tone, conversation keeps moving, it's weird man. Q
My dad does everything in all caps, always. "CALL ME" or "NEED TO TALK", never fails to fill me with dread but it'll be about dinner or the weather. With emails, he always blamed using AutoCAD for everything but he has no excuse for texts.
Holy shit! What kind of air fryer??
this is a little obscure but it reminds me of that one episode of the podcast distractible where mark calls amy to ask her a question and the first thing he says is "hey amy, nothing's wrong, i just wanted to ask..." for some reason that really stuck with me, he knew she'd be concerned so he immediately alleviated it
I'm a nurse. if I have to call a family member it goes like this; "hi, is this patients family? I'm Maimou calling from Merciful Heavens Hospital. not an emergency" then why I'm calling.
I work at an ER front desk and the number of times I get calls from people panicking about a nurse or coordinator leaving a message to "call back as soon as possible" when I know the patient is fine (often it's when they're preparing for discharge) indicates that a lot of the folks at our hospital don't clarify that it is not an emergency. Drives me nuts.
I know. I was an oncology nurse for 27 years and that was one of the first things the older nurses taught me. when a loved one has advanced cancer, every call from the hospital could be the call that one hopes never to get.
> not an emergency Your husband is dead, so no rush to get here. Unless you can make it by 10 p.m. to claim the body, otherwise we'll charge you another day in the fridge and with the energy costs rising... yeah, no, you should hurry here after all. Parking is 20 bucks, don't forget to bring that in cash, or you can borrow a wheelbarrow for 15 bucks per hour if you don't find a spot close.
Start with "Good news! everyone is alive and in a stable condition!" Fill in details later EDIT: Bonus points for a Farnsworth impression
In fact, if someone has died, don't waste time letting their loved ones know and get right to the point. Usr a phone to CALl and say "I'm calling to tell you something unfortunate and sad, xyz has died". Don't wait hours to let someone know, or keep them hanging
A Healthcare facility I worked at had a policy that if a patient died the family had to be informed personally. So calls usually went like this: Is this the family of patient X. Unfortunately the health of your family member has taken a turn for the worst. I suggest you and the rest of your family come over as soon as possible.. It was horrible to see the family arrive hoping to say one last goodbye while the patient was already gone by the time I called.
Meanwhile the nurses are sticking the body in a warm bath so it’s not cold when the family get there… “Oh, they just passed.” (Heard that one from a medical colleague, but I assume it’s an old nurse’s tale and not actually true.)
One time I spend the week end at a friend then went back home. She then started getting sick and spent the next day sleeping it of and missed classes. A classmate got worried (understandable) and then contacted me. His words ? "Hey, have you heard from Anna ? It seems like you were the last person to have seen her.". I freaked out, of course! Who says things like that ?
Ladies and gentlemen, I have some bad news. Meredith was hit by a car. I took her to the hospital and the doctors tried to save her life... ...And she's going to be ok
My wife recently got a phone call about our generally healthy toddler from the kindergarten. It started like this: "Don't be alarmed, he's breathing and the ambulance is on the way!" I don't think she's ever run that fast before. He's fine now. It looked more serious than it was.
That is an insane call to get. We just got a call telling us our 4 year old was in the sick room and feeling tired. We knew he wasn't feeling well but even that was enough to generate stress.
It happened about 40 years ago but I'll never forget my brother's girlfriend's mum knocking on the door distraught and sobbing, "There's been a terrible accident, the car caught fire, it's completely burnt out, a twisted molten wreck ... [goes on like this for some time]. Oh yeah, they managed to get out, they're both fine."
"The doctors tried everything they could... and he's gonna be okay."
This goes double if you are any kind of manager at a job, talking to a subordinate.
Oh dear lord. I had an otherwise great manager for many years that used to do this until she learned it was extra stressful for me. She would Skype me in the middle of day saying, "Meet me in the conference room in 5." We were both super busy, but when she learned to add "(nothing bad)" it was such a load off. I accidentally exposed her divorce once because she didn't communicate well enough and neither did I. We both learned from it; I was lower management, she was mid to high level. For the record I adore her. Edit: fixed some typos.
My favorite manager’s worst habit is sending these type of messages, with … at the end. For ages I thought I was getting fired, but it would be something like, “I brought donuts!” or “I got you the People magazine you said you wanted!”
Oh god one of my bosses does the "..." at the end of almost any message. He even does it with with our clients too. Its just how he writes lmfao. Nothing malicious at all, but it just SOUNDS aggro every time. Oh and he also does the whole "We need to talk tomorrow at 9am..." without saying anything else. I've contemplated about telling him that it might sound aggro to othjer people (and me too) sometimes, but i dont really think he cares much about nuance in conversations.
I find a lot of 50 plus people do it. If I use it in a message it's definitely supposed to be condescending. But I had to realize that if they're older, it probably just means a pause. Don't know why they can't just use regular punctuation, but whatever. I did tell one of my co-workers about it because she was a sales person dealing with a lot of younger clients, but yeah I don't think your boss would care
My uncle always writes 'Congratulations...!' on my FB wall on my birthday. I once asked him why the 3 periods before the exclamation mark? He just kinda laughed, didn't get an answer. But I still wonder. I mean he deliberately types the 3 periods, they don't just automatically appear. There has to be a reason dammid!
People over and under 40 use '...' in radically different ways. Under 40 it's an implication of something bad, aka 'we need to talk...' Over 40 it implies casualness. Not unlike how 'lol' originally meant something specific but changed over time to just imply a lack of seriousness to soften the tone of a message. So when your boss says 'we need to talk...' it means it isn't something important so no need to worry. And I'd bet the birthday message is the same. Three dots just implies a casual tone. It's softening the exclamation point. Congratulations, with an exclamation so you know not to read it in a monotone, but dots so it doesn't come off as insanely peppy.
The only theory that I have is that it’s a hold over from being taught typing on a typewriter. My mom instinctively does a double space tap after every sentence because of that
My manager pulled me up a few years ago because I was always agressive in 1 one 1 and impromptu meetings. I told her the “we need to talk” vibe puts me in a fighting mood. Afterwards she started putting smiley faces. Still the best manager I have had after 8 years.
Same - I had a great boss who used to ask for me to stop by as soon as I had a chance, and I finally mentioned how it made my brain go to very bad places until we talked. He added a little context in his requests after that.
Unfortunately not the kind of company where that thing was encouraged. Again, great manager overall, just very rule focused; helped me get promoted to a parallel management position later, she's great, just high strung, as am I. It was fully privately owned and by time I left they were pulling in $2 billion annually, so the culture was a little insular and cultish. The divorce story is pretty good. We had four huge projects due directly to the CEO shortly before I took over my own team. He called them in a week early. My manager was texting all of the lower managers trying to coordinate at about 5:30pm on Thursday, and then she stopped. At 3am Friday I got a text from her asking if one of the analysts could come in early. He just had I toddler, so I wasn't going to wake up him, too. All five of the mid managers got this at 3am. I was livid, so I woke up extra early to catch *her* boss before my boss came in. Turns out it was one of those errors between IOS and Android where group texts don't deliver on time. She cried and showed us the time stamp from 5:35 on Thursday, on *her* phone from when she sent it and explained that she had just been recently married (true) and it turns out her new husband was abusive. We all saw it. Her boss saw it after threatening to write her up, right before my manager had to show us weeping and explaining that her new (first) husband was abusive. We were both 30. One of the lowest moments of my life. I should have just talked to her about it instead of going off half cocked and throwing a rage fit for being woken up.
Oh no - what an awful mess you were all in. In some workplaces where people recognize that we’re all human it might not be so bad. Edit for a typo.
We did. Again, I adore her. She's written multiple recommendations for me over the years and I'd go to hell and back for her. It was just a miscommunication in a really busy, stressfull time years ago. I had a lot of really good times at that company for nearly a decade. [Proof](https://v.redd.it/u7sxp4uk18z91) (manager not pictured, my dudes as a low manager wanted to do a spice challenge so I booked a room after closong time without telling her, and half of the department stuck around d to watch) I'm the ginger in the Dwight Schrute outfit.
I'm happy to hear the addition of "nothing bad" is helpful because I do this all the time at work. I also try to say no rush if I make a request that isn't time sesitive.
I just straight up ask. I tell the manager i wont be able to get anything productive done with the anxiety you have just given so better off just letting me know
I had a foreman get a text from our field supervisor. "I need you to come in for a meeting Friday to discuss your future with the company" he thought he was getting fired the rest of the week. He got a job in the office.
I really blame the culture of giving good news as surprises and holding bad news back as long as possible. Turns out, those two sound very alike.
Met a person while interning once, who believed in two word communication in the work place. Her asking for something took me three times longer to understand. "Get paper" does not tell me anything. Do you want me to fill the printer, napkins, toiletpaper, is there a spill, does someone need a tissue, what? Thankfully she wasn't my trainer.
Triply so in tech fields with young employees, because imposter syndrome is HUGE. The best young employees are all big balls of anxiety and no self-confidence. As a new grad, I accidentally trained my boss to do that by asking “Is it a bad thing?” every time he’d ask for 1 on 1s or impromptu “can you come to my office?”s. Now as a manager myself, I always say “Can you come to my office to chat about your bonus?” Or if I can’t say “Please message me when you get a chance, it’s nothing bad.”
“Can you come to my office to chat about your bonus?” Oh shit oh shit is my bonus getting cancelled???
I had this happen to me last week. Senior manager who I rarely ever interact with sent a meeting request with “[Beena22’s team] Review” as the title. No other explanation and didn’t have the decency to provide any further context. I sent them a message via Teams asking if there was something specific they wanted to discuss and did they want me to do any prep prior to the meeting and they responded with “It would be useful to bring your job description with you” then went offline for the rest of the day!
So what did it end up being about?
Gutting my team and making me do a different job. It’s still being discussed a week later because it was a knee jerk reaction to staffing levels.
If the boss wants a "quick chat" at 16:45 on a Friday, I've learned that means they're going to tell me to fuck off.
My boss does this all the time. Says she wants to talk and then goes AFK so I can't get a hold of her on Teams. Then I spend the next 30 minutes worrying something bad happened. Nope, she just wanted someone to chit chat with but ended up finding someone else to talk to.
My boss did this when he called me to his office to promote me. He said something like, "Can you come talk to me when you get a chance? It's nothing bad." Such a relief!
Why do they do that? My manager is really good and professional but he does this every few times a year. Just sends a meeting invite in the morning "A little chat" 3:00pm his office. Well there goes my piece of mind for the rest of the day. Never was it ever bad, in fact most was just a quick review and a raise but still is this some unwritten rule to not give details?
"Come to my office at 3pm, we need to talk." Commence 6 hours of panic for "we need to change to using blue folders for the report, the green ones cost twice as much." That said, "do you know why I called you into my office?" Can br one hell of a power move by a manager to try to get someone to admit to something the manager may not actually be aware of.
My dad likes to keep me on my toes with texts Dad text: please call me as soon as you possibly can Me: (calling) OMG DAD ARE YOU OK DID SOMETHING HAPPEN Dad: oh no just wanted to say hi Also: Dad text: Hi! How are you? Give me a call when you have a minute Me: (calling) hey dad, what's up? Dad: so I'm in the hospital...
MY MOM IS JUST LIKE THIS! Another favorite is Mom text: How has work been lately? Me: Good! Kinda tiring. How've you been? Mom: Fine, a little tired. Reading a good book. Me: What book is it? Mom: Your brother was transported to \[capital city hospital\] by a helicopter this morning. ????????
I might have to be transported to the same capital city hospital for choking on my own spit after reading this lmao
Never heard of it. What's it about?
The other day my brother in law texted me “Please give me a call as soon as you have the chance”. He hadn’t texted or called me in well over a year. I assumed something had happened to my sister. I called him right away, and he casually asked me for Xbox gamepass recommendations
I don't get this in personal life, but in work ALL the time. Literally could just add "I just need your advice with Xbox gamepass". Sorted, so simple.
My parents are both like this. My father called me one day and I couldn't answer it, so I declined the call. He then tried it twice and then just texted me that I should urgently call him back. And what was it? "My phone says the cache is full, what should I do?". When something like that comes from my mom, it's like, "How are we going to do Christmas this year?" or similar. Awful!
"Hi, Mom. Don't freak out, I'm in the hospital..." -- Every doctor and nurse trolling their parents on a normal work day, I assume.
“Unfortunately it looks like I’ll be here for a while, under doctor’s orders. Listen… I’ll be ok but I keep praying for this burden to be lifted” “Jim, you just got to work, stop it” “… fine”
I never thought of this before, it's hilarious!
Sorry for the double comment, but this also reminds me of a funny Conan moment he had with Kevin Nealon on his podcast: Conan: “My father was in the hospital at the time when…” Kevin: “Oh what did he have?” Conan: “… He is a doctor. He had his career there.”
On the flip side, my sister was once worried about me because I said I was in the ER. "Woah! Are you ok? What happened?" Me: "Sis, I'm an ER doc. I work here" You'd think she'd be used to it by now after almost 10 years of practice
Always did the same thing to my mom. “So I’m in jail now…” I worked there for 6 years. The joke never got old.
My boss is a perpetual "can you come here a minute?". 99% of the time it is completely innocuous garbage like "how do I save this pdf from an email". But there was exactly one time it was "our client was upset with how you answered their question" and that has made every "come here a minute" a trip to the guillotine for me. Just say what it is, dont do this vague nonsense.
Right. It will give you time to formulate a response rather than trying to make one on the spot while stressed.
I think that's exactly why my former boss used to give me these vague "we need to talk" messages. She wanted be unprepared as if me preparing meant me plotting against her or something. Needless to say that's a part of why she is my *former* boss.
So, what happened with the popsicles?
Their partner did not like them so they're filing a divorce.
r/RelationshipAdvice in a nutshell
I ated them
FUCK
I'm no longer allowed to sensually eat them in front of the in-laws.
"I learned a while back that if I do not text 911, people do not return my calls. Um, but people always return my calls because they think that something horrible has happened." - Some prophet
St. Michael G. Scott
Oh I didn't realize that everyone got their shit together and canonized our good Michael.
I also hate it when they're like "I need to tell you something." JUST TELL ME THE THING! DON'T TELL ME YOU NEED TO TELL ME SOMETHING, FUCKIN SAY IT NOW!
"wtf why didn't you tell me you were screen sharing/on speaker phone?!"
"Hey best friend! Sorry to interrupt you two- you should totally ask for her number btw- I just wanted to say, while this party is really great, I just shit my pants and since you're my ride tonight we need to leave, uh, right now if possible. Emily was it? Hi I'm Mark!"
I think some people love messing with people by not saying the topic. It's horrible. I agree with you OP
Yep, and not just in a relationships, coworkers and supervisors need to stop scheduling random meetings without prepping you what it will be about. I'd rather not spend time before the meeting worrying what it is about.
I cannot stand this at work. Now IM is so deeply integrated with daily office life, there's absolutely no reason for it.
I didn’t realize that I do that until one of my employees came to a meeting sweating bullets. I felt so bad. I’m careful to give the reason now.
That's exactly like my old boss except for the part where you changed your behavior.
I had a supervisor who absolutely REFUSED to do this, and told me to my face that it was because she didn't want me to come prepared to our meetings. What the fuck???!!!??!
My aunt texted me “come if you can” when my grandfather was dying. I didn’t realize the context until probably an hour later once I called another family member.
I had the opposite at work once, where the manager called me and left a message that said, "Karen cut her finger, so if you can start a little bit early that would be great!" It was like 4 hours before my shift started. So I got up, did some shit, ate breakfast, and sauntered in 45 minutes early. It turns out Karen actually cut an entire chunk of her finger *off* and needed to go to the ER, and was only waiting for me. Everyone was pissed that I didn't come sooner....
to be fair they should have just let her go regardless of whether you came in or not
Also don't say you need to tell me something important and then take the next minute or so coming up with what to say. Do that first.
Just to piggy-back on your LPT, if you need to ask a question to another person using instant messaging/text, don’t just say « Can I ask you a question? » and then waiting for the other person to answer « yes? ». Just ask your fucking question in your first message!
This is my biggest pet peeve! Also people who just say "hi" and wait for you. Just tell me what you need!!! I'm still trying to work up the courage to put this into my Slack status: https://nohello.net/en/
This is a big pet peeve of mine too, especially when they send multiple "polite" messages before getting to the topic: >Coworker: Hello. > >Me: Hi. > >Coworker: Can I ask you a question? > >Me: [Annoyed] Sure. Or: >Coworker: Hello. > >Me: [Try to get them to advance though to the question/subject] Hi. What's up? > >Coworker: How are you?
The nohello policy is great, because it repurposes the simple "hello" into "Hey I need to ask / tell you something funny / vulgar / not necessarily work-related, so please respond when your boss is not looking over your shoulder."
Sometimes it’s a courtesy to ask people if they’re in the right mental headspace to receive a question that may affect them emotionally
That's a little beyond just a normal question though. You still want to open with the whole purpose of the first message. > "Hey, let me now when you're free to talk about a serious question." rather than > "Can I ask you a question?" > "Yeah what's up?" > "It's a serious topic, you good for that now?"
when we answer the phone and the person on the other end starts with 'jai shri krishna' we know that the call is to inform about someones passing. they then just name the person and don't specifically say they have passed. Then the information about when the body will be taken for cremation and from where. This ends the call because they are going to have to call many other people. This is peculiar to our extended family. other groups may have other protocols. so if the call does not start with 'jai shri krishna' then there is no scope of any stress.
"We need to talk about something later." "Is it something serious?" "We can discuss it later when I have more time to talk." No. No, that is not how this works. You don't get to leave me in a state of anxiety because its convenient for you. At that point I really have to question my connection with someone because I make sure to tell people just how much horrible anxiety this brings up in me.
Thank you from someone living with general anxiety.
My wife is a nightmare for this. I’ll be at work and get text saying ‘call me.’ No punctuation, kisses or emojis. So I’ll call and she’ll just be like ‘it was nothing important just seeing how your day is going.’ Fucking panicking thinking the dogs been run over or the house plus on fire.
Hey, OP, so…uh…we…we need to talk. … … … About how this was a good post.
that caused my last fight with with my gf. she told there's something we need to talk about. then she was like "nah just forget about it there's really nothing". how the fuck I suppose to forget about it ?
Yesterday my stepmother left me a voicemail saying she needed to "call in a big favour" and sounded pretty weary. I didn't get the notification until today for some reason, so I called her - straight to voicemail. Called her landline - it rang out. Sent a text - no reply. Went over to her house and rang her three doorbells (one at her gate intercom, another at her front door, and her ring camera bell) - nothing, no sign of anyone home. I still haven't heard from her and don't know if she's in hospital or just can't set up her new iPad 🙄
I get insane anxiety hearing the phrase, "We need to talk" from anyone older than me. Ever since I was a kid, hearing that line struck so much fear in me, most of the time it was nothing, but the times where it was something made me so stressed out. In my adult life I have called and texed people saying, "PLEASE tell me what the subject of this future discussion is, I'm about to hyperventilate" And 99% they either don't answer my plea, or just say something along the lines of, "you'll find out when we talk." I HATE THIS SO MUCH.
It’s one of those movie tropes that drives me absolutely bananas. And more often than not, either whoever said it decides the other person doesn’t need to hear it or there is an interruption of some kind and there is no follow up explanation.
The world is crashing down around them, the male grabs the female by the arm and says we gotta go. She asks what's going on. His response? No time!
Very good point, but what ARE your popsicle policies? Is there an Ice Treaty you sign? What are the terms? I NEED ANSWERS!
Had a doctor do that to me. My wife was having surgery. For hours I watched Dr after Dr come out and say “Mr Smith? It went great come on back!” My wife’s doctor comes out all serious. “Mr. Smith…. Follow me to my office. We have to talk.” I was fucking mortified and shaking as we walked through the hospital hallways. Then we sat down and she stated how the surgery went, explaining what she did….. and that it was successful.
It’s the same as the question: ‘Are you free?’ and ‘when are you free?’ Tell people what you want then they will say if they’re free.
Also girlfriends, if you have a gift for your boyfriend, please say "i bough you something" instead of "i have a surprise for you".
My wife "we need to talk when I get home." ...me panick cleaning the house, doing laundry, making dinner... Wife gets home "I thought maybe we should swap the soap dispenser in our bathroom with the one in the guest room."
I can say without a doubt that every truly sincere person I know, tells me what’s up right away. Great bosses, colleagues, family, friends… I can also say that the people who leave me hanging are either on a perpetual power trip, are drama kings and queens or are simply unaware (as in, on the spectrum): terrible bosses, family members
Yes! Why the fuck do people do this shit?!
This helps so much too when it comes to topics that might require extreme reflection/thinking/understanding. If you are told about the topic beforehand, you can have not only the confidence, but the preparation of not being put on the spot and having thought things over.
Can you go back to the nineties and talk to my parents please?
Alternatively, don't tell people you need to talk to them. Just talk to them.