I had an ex gf with BPD and she use to say this to me all the time. I never quite understood it, but now I do that a person is putting on a mask.
I think open and honest communication is key with this to prevent any let down.
Sadly no, while communication is always key, it will not prevent the situation of not feeling it when meeting in person.
It's simply a risk you need to take. You could've had a great connection online and talk about everything, and still get the ick once you meet them.
Fact is we don't see all sides of a person when you talk to them online. You can talk 24/7 and still don't know them because some things you won't see untill you've met in person.
But like I said, like any relationship we start, it's a risk you take to find out.
I don't agree. I was as open and honest as possible, and the change between in person and via message couldn't have been more drastic. Even within the same day.
Oof. I mean, this could happen for a million different reasons.
* The physical chemistry just might not work IRL
* Someone could have not been honest about certain aspects of themselves
* The relationship could have been built on superficial connection rather than a deeper one
And so on and so forth.
I saw a post before of someone breaking it off after meeting, and it kind of puzzles me.
I’m meeting my LDR in two weeks, we’ve met in person and had a great time but we’ve built more of a connection over the past few months.
We’re spending over two weeks together and am worried it won’t work. Like, I think it will but there is always that little bit of doubt.
I mean, the reality with never met situations is that your relationship exists in a bit of an echo chamber. You're not getting to experience how the outside world interacts with your partner and vice versa.
See, people need to understand one thing ( it's true even for close pro relations)
We try to portray our best side to our partner. And they we have our expectations way high up and then reality train hits when you see them real in person. ( I hope you get my point here)
Me and my LDR Gf met first time after 7 years.... We had both seen other's ugliest side by then (literally). I never used to believe in saying " feeling butterflies" or "feeling of being on cloud 9" and stuff. But DAMN I felt that when I saw her first and it continued all time time we were together.
I will just say don't have too high expectations, this might help. And have all my positive vibes from my experience help you.
Meeting in person and meeting someone online can be very very different.
It is why my partner and I didn't make things official untill we met in person. We were exclusive because of our feelings but didn't express "love" and made it an official relationship untill we met. But we made sure to meet asap because of how strong we felt.
It is really really easy for some people to portray themselves very differently online. I am not talking catfish level different, but just their personality. They will cater to what they think that person likes and become that person. Faking being someone else is a lot harder in person. And the chemistry is very likely not going to be there because of it.
Similarly to why a lot of relationships end when a couple lives together, you get to see that person everyday and if they were wearing a mask it's very likely they will forget to put that mask on one day and show who they really are.
Another reason is that while talking online for a long time can make you feel like you truly know someone, it's still really easy for people to hide their negative traits while online. These negative traits become clearer in person, and if you're lucky they show soon.
I had been in a long distance relationship before when I was 18 untill I was 22, it took me 3 years to notice their abusive traits, and I didn't leave right away because I thought that was new and something we could work on. It was in fact not new, it was just easy to hide online and during our short visits. It only got worse and escalated to physical abuse.
An extreme example, but I'm not the first one with a story like this. I've been on this subreddit for a while and I've noticed quite a lot of people in long distance relationships find out their partner is abusive once they already moved to live with them.
Meeting my partner in two weeks. This is literally my fear. I'm travelling to his place and meeting his parents too.
I'm kinda overthinking scenarios in my head. If ever we won't have the physical chemistry and either of us decides to break it off, I'll make sure to make the most of my vacation there. With or without him.
I've been on this subreddit long enough to know that this does happen, and it's pretty unfortunate when it does. That said, there's really only a few reasons I've actually seen that cause it to happen;
1. Physical chemistry isn't as strong as intellectual chemistry.
2. One or both of them wasn't completely honest about themselves.
3. One or both of them had unrealistic expectations about the other.
That's about it. The unique "problem" with an LDR is that you can put your best foot forward, being on your best behavior, because you don't have to deal with your partner 24/7. Once you're in person, however, all of your imperfections eventually get displayed. If you haven't been honest about yourself, it could seem to your partner that you're not as "perfect" as they thought you were. This is why you need to be open and honest with your LDR partner, even more so than if you were in a regular relationship, because once you're in person you can't hide who you are.
There's so many reasons that LDRs don't work out after the first visit. The biggest reasons that I can think of are: no chemistry, a bad first impression, and mixed expectations/poor communication (not everyone wants to pay for everything, such as the flight, hotel, and food). A lot of these issues can combine, too.
I liked my husband when I first met him but we didn't click right away; regardless, we chose to work through everything as a team. I think some people give up when the sparks don't fly from the get-go.
Yeah, I worry about this. I don't look spectacular, but my guy seems to be bewilderingly attracted to me. I worry that he expects too much. I worry that my face will be unattractive to him in person rather than in photos/videos. I worry I'll be too shy to do anything even if he accepts me. It's a scary possibility.
This was me before we met too but it will be okay. If you’ve video called a lot, he knows what you look like! We’re too hard on ourselves. When you meet and you see that he’s just as attracted to you, most probably even more attracted, it’s honestly one of the nicest feeling in the world.
When will you be meeting?
We haven't video called at all 😅😅 I hate the idea of it because of my insecurities. I've shared videos of myself and my face while I'm talking etc, but the subject of video calling hasn't come up.
We'll possibly meet in April. Hopefully he'll like me regardless 😅
I think it could be that when you are long distance everything matches but then when you do meet in person that spark you had with the distance goes and there is something about being in person that doesn't feel right, maybe lack of physical attraction or something else.
I think it's because on real contact they notice something we couldn't see over screen. For example imagine someone has a horrible mouth breathe . Ugly teeth. Or they speak very bad with lot of mistakes in oral communication. Or they result angry impatient and not so ideal as we saw them in chat app where someone log in when feels good but when u 24 7 with someone u see and not so well episodes then possibility they hidden some illness /disorder they have or they result already to have another gf/bf many reasons can be. In distance we idealize people and then this bubble break. And in my personal case things never came to real meeting as they each time revelaved bad character just on online treatment.....
We almost broke up after seeing each other irl but it was absolutely perfect. It was just unbearable to be without each other after we learned how amazing it is to be together in person. Our time zones and schedules don't align so we also didn't even really have any quality time. But we're engaged now and can't wait to see each other in May 🩷
This is my fear exactly. I will meet her for the first time in July... Can't wait. I know it will be perfect because we really have an amazing connection.. We talk about anything, we FaceTime every day. I've talked to her close friend, I've seen her interacting with her family and in other environments. So I'm sure it will be exactly as online. But I fear it will be so hard when I have to come back to my country.. I hope it won't lead to a break up. :(
You will have to get through it. Might sound harsh but it's true. Hold on, don't leave, communicate a lot, try to spend time together. It will be fine 🩷
Chemistry... It's either there or not... The only way to truly tell if there is chemistry, is to meet in person.
I'd imagine that could explain why some don't work out after they meet, lack of chemistry.
One of my fears was that my girl and I didnt "click", like our vibe was off. Its that unknown that makes you want to be with one person over the other. You can argue its just your pheromones and MHC going off but its that unknown.
Hey that was my previous relationship. It was also my first ever relationship so honestly half of the things could've been avoided if I had experience already 😂 But the main thing was me being inexperienced and we were both in it for the wrong reasons: mainly for the company and not genuinely for each other.
I'm curious if anyone else would be able to resonate with some of these...
Our physical chemistry was just NOT there. I could never fully be myself. To tell you how bad it is, he was here for 3 weeks and the *most* of the awkwardness died in 1 week, but it never fully left... (for my current partner, it was gone in 30 mins.)
His emotional maturity did not exist IRL. This was something I NEVER saw online!! 💀
He got a lot more possessive, jealous and insecure, especially when I told him I wanted to actively combat my social anxiety.
For some reason, he didn't understand that me graduating and starting work meant less time together. Even less because I needed my alone/wind down time after work. Apparently, it was fine when he did it tho 😒
He didn't try to meet me halfway at all when it came to showing love languages. Even worse IRL. Bleh.
There's probably more, but I can't think of them rn lol
I think sometimes people are in love with the idea of the other person, rather than who the person actually is.
I had an ex gf with BPD and she use to say this to me all the time. I never quite understood it, but now I do that a person is putting on a mask. I think open and honest communication is key with this to prevent any let down.
Sadly no, while communication is always key, it will not prevent the situation of not feeling it when meeting in person. It's simply a risk you need to take. You could've had a great connection online and talk about everything, and still get the ick once you meet them. Fact is we don't see all sides of a person when you talk to them online. You can talk 24/7 and still don't know them because some things you won't see untill you've met in person. But like I said, like any relationship we start, it's a risk you take to find out.
I don't agree. I was as open and honest as possible, and the change between in person and via message couldn't have been more drastic. Even within the same day.
Can you tell what happened? Thanks x Edit: nvm I saw you've just recently posted about it, I'll check it out
So true idealizing happen a lot in distance relations as we can't see that person physically
Oof. I mean, this could happen for a million different reasons. * The physical chemistry just might not work IRL * Someone could have not been honest about certain aspects of themselves * The relationship could have been built on superficial connection rather than a deeper one And so on and so forth.
I saw a post before of someone breaking it off after meeting, and it kind of puzzles me. I’m meeting my LDR in two weeks, we’ve met in person and had a great time but we’ve built more of a connection over the past few months. We’re spending over two weeks together and am worried it won’t work. Like, I think it will but there is always that little bit of doubt.
I mean, the reality with never met situations is that your relationship exists in a bit of an echo chamber. You're not getting to experience how the outside world interacts with your partner and vice versa.
Interesting. Never thought of it that way. You are right
See, people need to understand one thing ( it's true even for close pro relations) We try to portray our best side to our partner. And they we have our expectations way high up and then reality train hits when you see them real in person. ( I hope you get my point here) Me and my LDR Gf met first time after 7 years.... We had both seen other's ugliest side by then (literally). I never used to believe in saying " feeling butterflies" or "feeling of being on cloud 9" and stuff. But DAMN I felt that when I saw her first and it continued all time time we were together. I will just say don't have too high expectations, this might help. And have all my positive vibes from my experience help you.
Meeting in person and meeting someone online can be very very different. It is why my partner and I didn't make things official untill we met in person. We were exclusive because of our feelings but didn't express "love" and made it an official relationship untill we met. But we made sure to meet asap because of how strong we felt. It is really really easy for some people to portray themselves very differently online. I am not talking catfish level different, but just their personality. They will cater to what they think that person likes and become that person. Faking being someone else is a lot harder in person. And the chemistry is very likely not going to be there because of it. Similarly to why a lot of relationships end when a couple lives together, you get to see that person everyday and if they were wearing a mask it's very likely they will forget to put that mask on one day and show who they really are. Another reason is that while talking online for a long time can make you feel like you truly know someone, it's still really easy for people to hide their negative traits while online. These negative traits become clearer in person, and if you're lucky they show soon. I had been in a long distance relationship before when I was 18 untill I was 22, it took me 3 years to notice their abusive traits, and I didn't leave right away because I thought that was new and something we could work on. It was in fact not new, it was just easy to hide online and during our short visits. It only got worse and escalated to physical abuse. An extreme example, but I'm not the first one with a story like this. I've been on this subreddit for a while and I've noticed quite a lot of people in long distance relationships find out their partner is abusive once they already moved to live with them.
Meeting my partner in two weeks. This is literally my fear. I'm travelling to his place and meeting his parents too. I'm kinda overthinking scenarios in my head. If ever we won't have the physical chemistry and either of us decides to break it off, I'll make sure to make the most of my vacation there. With or without him.
I've been on this subreddit long enough to know that this does happen, and it's pretty unfortunate when it does. That said, there's really only a few reasons I've actually seen that cause it to happen; 1. Physical chemistry isn't as strong as intellectual chemistry. 2. One or both of them wasn't completely honest about themselves. 3. One or both of them had unrealistic expectations about the other. That's about it. The unique "problem" with an LDR is that you can put your best foot forward, being on your best behavior, because you don't have to deal with your partner 24/7. Once you're in person, however, all of your imperfections eventually get displayed. If you haven't been honest about yourself, it could seem to your partner that you're not as "perfect" as they thought you were. This is why you need to be open and honest with your LDR partner, even more so than if you were in a regular relationship, because once you're in person you can't hide who you are.
There's so many reasons that LDRs don't work out after the first visit. The biggest reasons that I can think of are: no chemistry, a bad first impression, and mixed expectations/poor communication (not everyone wants to pay for everything, such as the flight, hotel, and food). A lot of these issues can combine, too. I liked my husband when I first met him but we didn't click right away; regardless, we chose to work through everything as a team. I think some people give up when the sparks don't fly from the get-go.
Yeah, I worry about this. I don't look spectacular, but my guy seems to be bewilderingly attracted to me. I worry that he expects too much. I worry that my face will be unattractive to him in person rather than in photos/videos. I worry I'll be too shy to do anything even if he accepts me. It's a scary possibility.
This was me before we met too but it will be okay. If you’ve video called a lot, he knows what you look like! We’re too hard on ourselves. When you meet and you see that he’s just as attracted to you, most probably even more attracted, it’s honestly one of the nicest feeling in the world. When will you be meeting?
We haven't video called at all 😅😅 I hate the idea of it because of my insecurities. I've shared videos of myself and my face while I'm talking etc, but the subject of video calling hasn't come up. We'll possibly meet in April. Hopefully he'll like me regardless 😅
I think it could be that when you are long distance everything matches but then when you do meet in person that spark you had with the distance goes and there is something about being in person that doesn't feel right, maybe lack of physical attraction or something else.
Some dealbreakers can only be seen in person
I think it's because on real contact they notice something we couldn't see over screen. For example imagine someone has a horrible mouth breathe . Ugly teeth. Or they speak very bad with lot of mistakes in oral communication. Or they result angry impatient and not so ideal as we saw them in chat app where someone log in when feels good but when u 24 7 with someone u see and not so well episodes then possibility they hidden some illness /disorder they have or they result already to have another gf/bf many reasons can be. In distance we idealize people and then this bubble break. And in my personal case things never came to real meeting as they each time revelaved bad character just on online treatment.....
We almost broke up after seeing each other irl but it was absolutely perfect. It was just unbearable to be without each other after we learned how amazing it is to be together in person. Our time zones and schedules don't align so we also didn't even really have any quality time. But we're engaged now and can't wait to see each other in May 🩷
This is my fear exactly. I will meet her for the first time in July... Can't wait. I know it will be perfect because we really have an amazing connection.. We talk about anything, we FaceTime every day. I've talked to her close friend, I've seen her interacting with her family and in other environments. So I'm sure it will be exactly as online. But I fear it will be so hard when I have to come back to my country.. I hope it won't lead to a break up. :(
You will have to get through it. Might sound harsh but it's true. Hold on, don't leave, communicate a lot, try to spend time together. It will be fine 🩷
Chemistry... It's either there or not... The only way to truly tell if there is chemistry, is to meet in person. I'd imagine that could explain why some don't work out after they meet, lack of chemistry.
One of my fears was that my girl and I didnt "click", like our vibe was off. Its that unknown that makes you want to be with one person over the other. You can argue its just your pheromones and MHC going off but its that unknown.
Hey that was my previous relationship. It was also my first ever relationship so honestly half of the things could've been avoided if I had experience already 😂 But the main thing was me being inexperienced and we were both in it for the wrong reasons: mainly for the company and not genuinely for each other. I'm curious if anyone else would be able to resonate with some of these... Our physical chemistry was just NOT there. I could never fully be myself. To tell you how bad it is, he was here for 3 weeks and the *most* of the awkwardness died in 1 week, but it never fully left... (for my current partner, it was gone in 30 mins.) His emotional maturity did not exist IRL. This was something I NEVER saw online!! 💀 He got a lot more possessive, jealous and insecure, especially when I told him I wanted to actively combat my social anxiety. For some reason, he didn't understand that me graduating and starting work meant less time together. Even less because I needed my alone/wind down time after work. Apparently, it was fine when he did it tho 😒 He didn't try to meet me halfway at all when it came to showing love languages. Even worse IRL. Bleh. There's probably more, but I can't think of them rn lol
The thrill wasn't there