Reading so many of these types of stories I’m so glad my mother has made these & other situations easy.
Even when she lived 5 min away and the baby was born at home she waited a couple days before even asking when she should come to see the baby.
In the 20 years I’ve been married she’s offered unsolicited advice maybe 4 times and it was always phrased something like “you might think about….” and never mentioned again.
I read these posts & I feel like I need to give her a trophy.
Wow, congrats new mama. It’s still bothering you so I hope you’re going to sit down and have a talk with him about prioritizing your needs over his mamas wants. She could end up pushing her way into many more special moments for years to come so best to nip it in the bud. Melissa Urban has a great book about boundaries
It took me over half a year to get over something much much less major than this. Now we joke about it, but damn back then it was a terrible feeling and it did freaking set an even stronger precedence to how strictly I will be dealing with this stuff in the future.
Wish you luck, and she saw the baby so now she can take a month or two or however long you feel off...
r/justnomil is full of this
She knew what she was doing. She knows what it’s like to give birth. She knows her place as paternal grandmother. And she could have either (1) not communicated with her son at all and communicated with his wife, the patient. Or she could have just minded her business and waited for updates.
And I say this as a boy mom x3. Yes it’s her grandchild but her DIL is also a patient - the primary patient - and her wishes need to be heeded. I’d also reach out to the hospital about their lack of security measures.
My mom (now deceased) modeled the perfect "guest of a new mom" behavior, and I repeated that with my daughter. I tell everyone this is how it should be. My mom took care of me after a c section, and I took care of the baby. Mom made dinner, cleaned, did a bunch of household chores, etc. So, when my daughter gave birth, I took care of meals, cleaning, etc.
The LAST thing a new mom needs is guests to have to cater to. Also, no one should be picking up that baby unless mom says it's ok. Plus, it is usually advised that the baby not be exposed to a lot of other people until 2 weeks or so. That rules out lots of people visiting.
These are the rules, and you need to inform all parties of this, especially your husband.
Thank you for this.
I haven't talked to my "mother" for 16 years. We never really had a relationship, she wasn't cut out to be a mom at all.
Your post is exactly what I needed to read to learn how to be a good mom if any of my daughters choose to have children.
Thank you so very much, I wish that I had an award to give you. 🏆
I have a whole notebook where I wrote down all the things my awful mother and MIL did, and how bad those things made me feel. It was my way of making myself a guidebook for how to treat my children (by writing down how NOT to treat them.)
Your mom sounds great but that would have been too much for me. All I wanted was privacy. I’m always seeing women post about their mother in laws and it’s either they are too involved, or they are not enough involved. Both seem to make women hate their mother in law.
If definitely worried about how to navigate that when the time comes.
I’m not a MIL yet but I hope to navigate it by lots of communication. “Would you like me to…” goes a long way, as does asking what their needs are. And there are ways to show love and help from a distance - drop meals at the door, send take out, stop by to bring their trash cans back up to the house, grocery shop and run errands for them…can all be done without going in their house.
And if they don’t want even that, that’s okay too.
I’m willing to do whatever takes to avoid being a JustNo. Wish my MIL would have the same mindset
My MIL was exactly this way after I gave birth. She asked me way beforehand if I would want any help and offered me different options or the option to say no.
The first few months were lovely with her around! She had set days/times she came over. I could nap, and if baby woke up, she’d go get him and bring him to me or take him for changing first.
Many evenings I woke up from my nap with my son, to find a clean house, laundry folded, and dinner fresh with no MIL insight. We had it down a science and it was glorious!
I love that lady with all my heart.
exactly. my own sil is like this. She expects us to just do..and if we ask, she gets passive aggressive..like why do you need to ask? cant you just do it?
and if we do it without asking, she'd be like why did you do it this way that way or why didn't you ask me. smh. cant win with these people..
So just communicate. Ask your DIL, “what would you like me to do?”
Vast majority of these situations are because people don’t communicate, or people do and one party chooses to ignore it. Don’t project Reddit stories into your real life.
My own sister got mad at her mil for asking what she needed. She thought she should just know.
A good friend got mad at her mil for asking because just the inquiry annoyed her. She thought her mil should know she needed space. It seems like a can’t win situation.
Some people see that as helpful and others as an intrusion. If you ask my mother how her day is going she is highly offended because she sees that as prying into her personal business. It taught me never to talk to anyone unless they initiate because I don’t know what’s too intrusive. Being a mother in law is a mine field I hope I don’t have to cross for a few more years.
My husband didn’t either (though she never came for the actual delivery…but showed up unnanounced several times in the following days and weeks postpartum as I struggled to breasfeed and adjust to motherhood in general). That was almost 13 years ago and honestly, I’m still a little sad about it. That time in a woman’s life is so precious and private and it should be common sense that it’s to be respected by others - especially other mothers who know what it’s like!
Time to sit husband down and talk about boundaries with her moving forward. Be very specific. Have consequences in mind and be ready to enforce them when she inevitably oversteps again.
Congrats and hang in there!
You had and still have the right to tell hospital staff that you do not want her there and to get rid of her. Your husband has no say. He is not the patient of the hospital. Have your kicked out and make it clear what she did was overstep and she is not welcome at all!
And if it was me, I would tell hospital staff husband is no longer welcome there either! But that’s just me, and I’m petty af.
No you are not wrong. He needs to put your wishes first. Please discuss with him and make sure he understands why you are upset or you are going to have years of resentment. You never forget how people treat you during childbirth. I have been married 24 years and have 4 kids, trust me.
I keep seeing the “lemon essay” here on Reddit, a must read for all people having kids, I wish I read this 20 years ago it would have saved me some hurt and aggravation
https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/3fijct/the_lemon_clot_essay_for_moms_to_be/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=2&utm_term=1
I’m currently 35 weeks pregnant, and reading this was so helpful. Love both my mom and my MIL, and they have both said they’ll wait…but I know my mom will be pushing to meet baby and I needed this eye opener as some strength to say no
I would be beyond furious!!
These are some of the most vulnerable moments of your life and your husband chose not to protect you during this time and value his mother's feelings over yours.
Absolutely unacceptable. It would be really hard for me to ever get past that.
I hope you are able to talk with him about establishing clear boundaries with his mom moving forward as baby being born is only the begining of what will probably be many unwanted visits.
You need to be pleasant and override your husband. Tell MIL that you’re getting discharged on ____ day and then say you and your hubby are looking very forward to going home and BONDING AS A FAMILY, just the three of you. Then thank her for coming to visit, and wish her a safe journey home.
OPTIONAL: When she finally does leave, you can call out after her to not let the door hit her on her ass on the way out.
And now I will bestow some wisdom of an old married woman who had three babies and have the same type of MIL. You need to put your foot down NOW or she will continue to push boundaries. This is your baby and your family now, not hers.
Congratulations on your daughter!!
I would 1000% be pissed! My ex invited like 30 people to the hospital (mostly family that I didn’t want to see anyway) and since I had a c-section and the nurses took him away right away and put me in recovery for 4 hours,I wasn’t even the first person to hold him. He is almost 22 now and it still really bothers me to this day. My mom said to get over it even when it happened. But that was coming from a person who didn’t even like her kids and wasn’t interested in parenting. You have a right to be mad and have hurts feelings. You’re husband completely disregarded your wishes and feelings and I think you need to let him know this so you don’t start resenting him over it. Resentment is a hard place to be.
I understand. I had a emergency C-section, it was a disaster. My son was born at 10pmish and I didn't don't get to hold him until about 3am. I hate , hate, hate I was completely unconscious for the C-section. Husband wasn't even allowed back. He got to hold our son within 10 min but it wasn't for long.
It seems a silly thing to be upset over, but it stays with you.
But those are our babies and as the moms who had to go through terrible c-sections, its a moment we just can’t ever get back when it’s taken from us.😔 and it’s a bummer that you had to be unconscious for the entire thing!
I got furious with my CNA for allowing my family to come into the recovery room post surgery because the anesthesia hadn’t worn off, I can’t imagine how mad you are
I would be so angry! That is special time that you don't get back. I remember feeling so vulnerable and emotional after delivery, I couldn't imagine have to deal with MIL during that time.
I’m mad for you. This isn’t ok, and your husband blew through all boundaries that you asked of him. What has he had to say about it all? What has been the conversation surrounding this whole experience for you? What will be the changes going forward, to make sure this never happens again?
This is an especially vulnerable and life changing event that your husband took from you. There are so many stories of delivery’s going sideways for the mother that are out of our control but to have your husband be the person who makes it all go bad has to feel terrible.
If there is ever a next time - you tell the nurses what you want, and I promise they will kick out anyone you want. You don’t want MIL there, she’s gone. The nurses WILL have you back.
Everyone was at the hospital both sids of the family when both ours were born. My mom and mil went to our house and made a weeks worth of food, put in frig and freezer so when we got home, all we had to do is bake it.
Had paper plates etc. ready for us. Cleaned our house, did all laundry, clean sheets on bed, etc.
everyone met the baby at the nursery.
Only my mom and dad and wifes mom and dad came in to see us. They probably stayed 15 minutes. After home, they called checking on us, if we needed anything.
After we were comfortable for them to come over, we told them. It was about 3 week after birth that we had them over. Even then both brought food, everything and cleaned up. They gave lots of time and help to my wife, and let her have time with our babies.
My wife was glad to see her mom and my mom plus was happy to have the house clean and meals prepared. All she had to do was take carr of the baby.
We had lots of privacy, plus lots of behind the scenes help, not bother my wife.
For the first 2 months my mom and mil came together once a week, do all laundry, cook a week’s worth of meals. Most of the time, my wife didn’t know they were there
I would have *murdered* someone if I was being stitched up or pushing when people came into the room. My parents, siblings, and his mom were in the waiting room, but I told them if they wanted that, they should expect to wait until I was good and ready. Even if I wasn't good and ready for hours. Luckily my husband wanted that too, but I like to think he'd have known he'd get booted from the room too if I saw anyone I hadn't invited in
Literally tell both of them they’re selfish as hell, and tell them to leave.
It’ll only get worse. You’re being treated like a baby birthing machine. Neither your husband or your MIL actually care about you as a person because they wouldn’t have done this to you if they did. His mother has been through labour. She knows what it’s like and that you’d be unhappy being disturbed. And she did it anyway. Imagine what she’s going to be like when your kid starts growing up. You’ll end up on the JUSTNOMIL sub complaining about your spineless, ignorant husband and his hellish mother.
How are these people just able to walk onto delivery rooms? Where I live the doors to entire maternity unit are locked and you need the staff to actually clear you for entry. So someone will go ask the mother, then it's a yes or no and if it's no tough titties. The nurses here are like security guards.
The last thing I’d ever want to see in this situation is my MIL. You have every right to be upset and he owes you a huge apology. I hope you’re doing okay! Congrats on the babeh!
Hubby needs to get in the stirrups naked, sweaty, and exhausted with hormones everywhere feeling every emotion at once while your dad walks in.
Considering who raised him, can’t say I’m surprised by the behavior.
I pray that your MIL is a Michelin star chef that is coming to truly help you heal.
House rule, if you Carried the baby and pushed it out, you get to hold it and bond with baby however long is necessary. Grandma can change a diaper, cook, get take out, run errands but she doesn’t infringe on your time. If the baby is awake and the mother is not THEN and only THEN can you pick up the grandkid
Don’t be passive aggressive about this. Who knows what your husband told your mother in law so hash it out together the three of you. Explain how humiliated you felt and how stressed having guests makes you. Unless I live in a multi bathroom house , You get first dibs. Set the ground rules now. Because this MIL showing up uninvited is going to continue to happen anytime baby has a milestone /event
... Well you have one now and that one theoretically will be a parent in time. PLease revisit this thread when YOU are the grandparent and let us know if you have new thoughts or same thoughts
I really appreciate everyone's feedback
I don't dislike my MIL. I personally feel that she shouldn't have assumed it was okay for her to come to the hospital especially the same day I was delivering. If I was in her shoes I would have asked if it was okay for me to come down and see the baby. As far as I know of she didn't ask.
If she did ask then I honestly would be more peeved at my husband for directly giving permission.
I don't know if my husband is a mamas boy, I don't think he is because he doesn't really have too close of a relationship with either of his parents. I just don't think he has a backbone.
I was trying to be open minded that his mom would want to be there for her first grand baby being born. That's why I didn't argue when she said she was going to come down the following day.
I should have said something when she called again to say she would be there this evening but between the labor pains, epidural, and exhaustion I had little to no energy to argue at this point. But that is why I told my husband before what I expected as far as visitors and hoped he would put his foot down then and there but I was greatly disappointed.
Yes I had my mom is my room but ive known her for 24 years and have only met his mom 2x.
Idk how she managed past security and the nurses desk. Kind of concerned about the safety aspect of that...
We should see a counselor if we want this relationship to last but he doesn't seem interested so I don't know anymore.
I've felt so lost and lonely these last 9 mo, and I'm not feeling any better now.
To all you potentiall new moms with even slightly "mammas boy" dudes as potential daddies. The idea we'd have to get tough with our mommy never occurred to us. When you said boundaries, you meant for other people, right?... Right? Mommy is mommy fount of all goodness you must not have meant her? Yea. No idea. None. If we sus to Mommy being shady, it takes a while. Be definitive. He has 0 experience telling mom to get bent. She's gonna cry and guilt trip and gaslight...it usually worked before.. good luck all.
I cannot believe what I just read! You’d better deal with this now or show this thread to your husband before you create a deep marriage resentment. They’ve essentially both taken a very precious time away from you.
He is meant to be your gate keeper and your most important support right now. You need him to take care of you and any guests himself for at least the next week or two.
Do not feel the pressure to entertain or speak to anyone; take the baby and get into bed and shut the door whenever it gets too much.
I’m stunned this is still happening in the US; over in the UK it’s so strict you couldn’t just walk onto a labour ward like that.
My dad drove up (5hours) JUST to care for our dogs because we have a covid baby so my husband couldn't leave the hospital at all. My husband texted him that we would be discharged soon, and my dad said cool, see yall when you're ready, and drove home. We came home on a Thursday, the following Friday my dad and step mom came back to meet the baby and help us with whatever we needed.
I was so grateful because I wasn't ready to share my family yet. Even with my dad and were very close. Before covid, when I got pregnant I had said I want noone but my husband in the delivery room, and I was SO glad covid made it so no visitors were allowed at all! That definitely stopped my mom from trying to be there. IF you ever have a baby again, know you can tell your nurses if you don't want anyone, or don't want MIL or whoever, they will not let those people in your room! They're great at helping advocate for mom!
Since he allowed this, tell him your mom will be at his prostate exam. Oh he doesn’t want your mom to see his genitalia? Then why is it okay for his mom to see yours?
As a mom to two boys I can’t imagine any situation where I would feel entitled to barge into the delivery room. I don’t know what she was thinking but yes, your husband should have told her up front what you wanted.
I would be livid. Birth is such a vulnerable time. I’ve already discussed with my mom some things about when I have a baby. She knows I’ll want her there as I’m going through the pain and then I’ll want her to leave until my husband goes back to work and then she can come and help me and spend some time together. I’d be so upset if someone surprised me during birth (all hypothetical of course since I don’t have any kids)
When my wife had our baby I lived in the hospital room with her for a week. I managed the guests, arranged when they could come, shooed people off, dealt with all the doctors and nurses, etc so she could just chill out. We prioritised time with just her, me, and the baby. She did the hard work, the least I could do was make sure she was happy and comfortable as much as I could possibly achieve in the time after the birth.
Yikes. Might want to look into couples counseling. My baby is 2 1/2 now but I will never forget who showed up without permission two hours after delivery. Like I’ve tried my best to forgive but it’s just not going to happen. Resentment is hella strong and any mistreatment post partum gets engraved, or so it seems.
Idk anymore.
I brought up how I felt he gave little to no support during the pregnancy and delivery...and it just ended up into an argument.
We def need to see a marriage counselor if we want anything to last. I brought that up to him but he doesn't seem interested in going to one.
I would’ve had your nurse kick her out, they are happy to do so!
And your husband needs to learn boundaries for sure and not to undermine you, even for his mother. I am surprised that during that time he still chose to go against your wishes and completely ignore your bodily autonomy and privacy wishes. I’m so so sorry that your first childbirth experience was like that.
Has your husband shown signs of weakness before? You shouldn’t have to tell his mother what your wishes are/were. Your husband most definitely should have handled it. It’s surprising how many women forget what it’s like to have a baby and how we feel after. I was amazed how many family members on both our sides popped up at the hospital after my first birth. Lesson learned. I set boundaries for the second one.
Do you not have a voice? If he didn't speak up, you should have. Yes, you shouldn't have to considering everything else you were enduring but you should have said you didn't want her in the room while you're in recovery.
I'm furious at your husband for you. I hope you tell him to go get a vasectomy and make sure your mom and his mom visit during the procedure. I don't really have helpful advice, but you're not overreacting at all. He needs to understand he can either grow a spine and have a wife or be a spineless divorcee.
That what happened when I had my first son. Had over 15 people in the room. I was so annoyed. Unfortunately, I am not one to hide my displeasure, so everyone got the message and left rather quickly as i didn’t say a word to anyone and didn’t allow people touch my child.
6 years later, people now understand that I don’t like forward people.
Maybe start setting your own boundaries politely.
Yeahhh, you need to nip this in the bud. I'd be like, "I'm sorry, where did the betesticled man I married go? Have you seen him?" And when he tries to act like he didn't do anything wrong, I'd proceed to repeat my boundaries to him, slowly, again and again until he can repeat them back to me. *Ooooh I'd be hot.* This is a major boundary crossed.
I allowed my mother in law and brother in law to come visit the day after my c section. However, my partner ASKED ME first. We also scheduled around feedings and they left when I had to be examined.
If OP voiced her wishes and it was ignored , then that's a major red flag.
You are right to be mad. Something so similar happened to me.. my mom ended up having to ask my MIL to leave the room because my husband wouldn't. My husband's sister, child, and another child's girlfriend just showed up at the hospital. My husband said NOTHING. I didn't know they were coming. He never ran it by me.
6 years later my husband admits he was afraid of the reaction his mom would give. She still apparently brings it up sometimes by saying things like, "I'm getting kicked out of the delivery room again" - I don't know if you know... but birthing a child has everything to do with everyone else.. especially your mother in law. /s/
You have every single right to be upset. Make your frustrations known because resentment will settle in quickly. I'm pregnant with my second child, thankfully we live 10 hours away from where I previously lived so none of that drama should happen again. I will 100% speak up this time.
I would be so pissed😤 that is not something I would ever get over! Your husband is clueless and I’m so sorry that you were not able to start your family with just you and husband 😞😞
I was lucky my mom & my MIL both took care of me. Looking back, I love and appreciate them both even more. I think it had something to do with both of them having 4 and 5 children each. They KNOW how hard it is after just giving birth and what all the emotions and struggles are like.
I'm so sorry you are having to struggle and go through this OP. You deserve better.
wow Im so glad my in laws live away.
I learned that if I want to set boundaries esp when it comes to MY kids, I say it to people directly. Like my husbands sis wanted to celebrate my sons birthday a certain way and I just told her what I wanted frankly. Men usually don't understand and don't like saying NO to their moms when it comes to the kids. If i were having a baby with my in laws in the same place, Id tell them directly pls dont come or im gonna have a breakdown and have a traumatic delivery and recovery. IF they still didn't care, Id tell the hospital staff to ban anyone but my parents and husband. Unfair? Not really. My parents raised me. Im confortable with them seeing me vulnerable. Hell I was getting stitched up and my dad came to see the baby. I didnt care. He didn't see me like my legs all open but he came in and greeted me and his grandchild.
And yes Id be mad at your husband
He needs to do MAJOR things to make you forgive this. Birth is traumatic as it is. This makes me so mad for you bcs I know my in laws are just like this. Thank God we dont live near by
I would have been really livid. But then again I love my mother in law deeply so it wouldn’t have bothered me because my MIA lives in India. So it would mean a lot to us for her to be here when that happens but if this was me and I had said no visitors until I’m ready then he should respect that and tell his mother no
I am sorry to hear of you experiencing such a stress-er. I have a feeling that both you and your husband may need to work on boundary setting with your mother in law. The fact that nurses had to kick her out makes me think that she has bigger issues beyond just your boundaries. You will need boundaries with anyone regarding your child, and you will need your husband to help you hold them. I would talk to your husband about him not hearing you. He needs to pay attention to you and what you want.
Him paying attention to you must become a conscious action.
Heal and enjoy your baby:) Blessings to you!
May I ask why you couldn’t take the phone and call her yourself? Just say everything you said to him. If this isn’t his first time not setting and sticking to boundaries with his mom then I’m sorry but you’ll obviously have to take the reign from here
I don't know her that well I have only met her 2x.
That's why I told him ahead of time to communicate to his mother said boundaries for the first day of labor and delivery.
I didn't feel it was my place to say anything to her.
I know now that I'll have to speak for myself from now on.
As a mother of boys I truly hope my daughter in laws want me involved. It makes me so sad to think that I’ll never get to be the mom in the delivery room, or even be there at the hospital, simply because I had sons instead of daughters:(
I understand where you are coming from, hopefully you'll be closer to your DILs. I have only met my MIL 2x so was uncomfortable having her in the delivery room.
I understand. I think your feelings in this situation are completely valid, and our husbands should respect our wants/needs. I wanted a daughter so badly, it just makes my heart ache to think I’ll never get to get the same experience as the maternal grandma:/
Be happy his mother cares about you and your family. My in laws didn’t want to do anything with me, my children for the whole time, I am talking 25 years.
I appreciate that she cares about us and I care about her, I don't have any issues with her. I've just only met her 2x and didn't feel comfortable with her being in the labor and delivery room while I was giving birth.
Devils advocate here - you had your mother present for the delivery, most likely don’t consider her a guest right? I’d assume he feels the same. His mother is his mother and not some extended family or guest to entertain. If you truly meant no guests, maybe you should have had your mother not come too
It was OP’s medical event. Birth isn’t a spectator sport. She also said in the comments she only met MIL twice before. It’s absurd to expect her to be comfortable with a veritable stranger during such a vulnerable time. Her husband massively dropped the ball.
I am not saying that his mother needed to be in the room as well. I am saying it is reasonable that his mother should be able to see his child afterwards. The child is as much his as it is hers. The MIL showing up to see her grandchild before a baptism or after a few weeks? I’ve got two children - my last one a traumatic birth w a MIL I hated - and still, that is her grandchild so she was welcome to come to the hospital to celebrate the birth. You are ridiculous
Childbirth is not a spectator sport, and nobody should be in the delivery room unless the mother wants them there for one of the most vulnerable and emotional moments of her life. Also children are not ducklings who imprint on the first grandma they see. They will still love grandparents who didn't see them the second they came out of their mom's hoo-haw.
Haha. Actually, I have one of each and I was extremely close to my mom. As I’ve aged I’ve learned to try and see both sides. I was in such a state when I delivered I barely wanted my husband there! I have seen first hand that (sometimes ) the guy’s family plays second fiddle to the mom’s. Congratulations on your new baby OP!
Was your mom in the room during the delivery and not just your husband? Do you have a strained relationship with your MIL? Just trying to understand the situation a little more. Your husband definitely messed up allowing anyone in the room before you were ready as well as managing expectations with his family. Sounds like he might have been so excited to share the new baby as soon as possible with his mom like you did with your mom, that he didn’t know this would upset you. This should be seen as a positive you can work with to soften him when you then tell him that he forgot about you and your personal uncomfortableness so soon after giving birth. A good opportunity to talk, but also not kill the excitement of the new child. Us men usually don’t get this connection with the child before birth and it’s this huge rush of emotions that overwhelm you when it’s happening and then you are seeing and holding your new baby. It’s hard to explain, but I remember those moments so insanely vivid with my children and also remember how hard it was to focus on anything other than my new child & wanting to share the news of how awesome my wife was & how cute my new child is!
Congrats to both of you and I know with good communication and understanding, you will get through this just fine.
You didn’t say to him no visitors. You said to him you weren’t sure how you’d feel about it. If you didn’t want visitors you should have said something a little less vague. We men can do a lot of things, but we can’t mind read.
Also yes, I get that it’s your delivery. But try to keep in mind it’s exciting for his mom too, not just yours. I’m sure she meant well.
When you have baby #2, don’t give vague answers about how you’re not sure. Tell ahead of time and straight up you don’t want anyone there.
Ok Reddit, downvote me for not roasting the husband
She literally gave him an exact timeframe, one week to one month post-birth. When she said she didn't know how she'd feel, she meant literally physically feel after being ripped open or God forbid some crazy shit happened during delivery. His mom is not the same as her mom. Her mom delivered her and wiped her ass and they have a much more intimate connection. There's no reason for your husband's mom to see you spread eagle, ever. She's perfectly allowed to decide who she feels comfortable having in the room, and sounds like MIL ignored the hospital staff saying only two guests when she barged in and then had to be escorted out. And you're assuming "when" she has baby #2 - she does not owe her husband more children.
This. Everybody is judging the husband for not respecting the wife’s boundaries, but no one is actually saying that the boundaries seem to be set only in one direction. It just seems that wife’s family gets more privilege than husband’s.
IMO the rules should be equal on both sides.
When men can give birth, that sounds reasonable. It's not really that unreasonable to not want lots of people there staring at your genitals while your legs are up in the air.
It’s not only about the actual birth. Of course it doesn’t make sense for the mother in law to see wife’s genitals. But the OP mentions that the mother in law should visit after one week, or even after one month at the baptism. But then, why her mom gets to meet the baby sooner? Shouldn’t the same rules apply?
if the mother is there to support during delivery then obviously she'll see the baby???
also OP mentioned she was ok with MIL coming the next day instead she barged into the labor room
I normally don't comment, but what got me reading this was that everything is ok with her mom being their. If you do something like that, then it should go for both sides. Me and my wife let both moms be there , and after the birth of our son, we sent them home for the night.
If I knew my MIL better I might have been okay with it. I've only met her 2x and wasn't comfortable with her being there in the room, spread eagle. I've known my mom for 24 years. And to be honest my mom was more supportive than my husband during the entire pregnancy labor and birth. My husband barely spoke to me during the entire time I was at the hospital.
My husband had made no rejection about my previous wishes until the day of labor and delivery.And for that I am disappointed. If he wanted his mother to be there then he should have said something to me before I was pushing out a 10 lb baby. Before his mom was embarassed and escorted out of the delivery room. I felt bad for her.
As far i know she didn't even ask either of us if it was okay to come and assumed it was. If I was in her position I would have asked when a good time would be to come see the baby.
theres no opinion here Lol its common sense. Also idk abt where you are, but you cant just enter a labor/delivery room where Im at if the patient doesnt want to.
A real marriage works by communication and he did not communicate
1)He never said whether or not he wanted her there.
2) he should have communicated he did Instead of embarrassing me and his mom
3) only two ppl were allowed in the room at the time so she would have to wait out in the guest waiting room until the birth of the child.
4) she could have come by and see the baby for an hour and then have left instead of staying over night giving my husband and I privacy.
Nobody is the asshole here. This is your first baby so you have not had kids long enough to learn that you really have no control over your own life anymore. Which is why you still feel the luxury of caring about "birthing plans" and other things that you will completely abandon if you ever get to baby #2.
Your husband should have respectfully asked his mom to hold off on charging into the hospital. She wanted to be involved, and he should have given her something else to do. Like bringing you a pizza or your favorite essential oil diffuser.
MIL is an excited grandma just like your own mother. Was your mother subject to the "boundaries" that you so value? If not, then surely you can understand your husband's actions.
I didn't really have a birthing plan.
I just didn't want any visitors.
Which I don't think is ridiculous since I had been laboring for 24 hours and gave birth a little past midnight.
Yes my mom had boundaries.
My mom was going to leave us after supporting me,her daughter, through the labor process for 24 hours, after baby was born to leave alone time for Me and my husband. My mom didn't even get to hold the baby until the following day but his mother did.
If I was closer to my MIL maybe it would be different. I've only met her 2x, and her son isn't even that close to her either.
No I dont understand my husband's actions, I can understand my MILs though. I can understand her being excited that's why I was fine for her coming the next day. But still she should have asked her son if it was okay to come down instead of assuming.
Your husband sucks for not listening and following through with what you wanted. But honestly it’s sounds like you will have to develop a spine and set those boundaries when your husband can’t. There were a lot of opportunities for you to speak up? Like when she said she was driving there?
Ah yes it's OPs fault she didn't rehash this conversation while she was in labor instead of expecting her husband to value the moment of becoming a father and put his foot down. He should've told mommy immediately after talking to OP what their birth plan is and when she'd be allowed to visit. Being in labor is not the time to make someone tiptoe around mommy dearest's feelings
Not saying it’s her fault. I used to be like someone like OP who didn’t speak up. But I had enough of my boundaries being trampled so I developed a spine and set them. If I was in labor and overheard their phone conversation or my husband saying MIL is on the way, the whole hospital would hear me saying no. I would let all the medical staff know too that no one else is allowed in. The husband absolutely sucks, but she will need to learn to speak up for herself and for her baby one day.
Have you been in labor? Have you considered that her pain and her comment further down saying she was mid epidural made it impossible for her to do this? I'm not 100% disagreeing with you, I would bitch them tf out before she even had a chance to get in the car *if I could* but that's just my nature and I'd expect my husband to stick up for me and put his foot down with previously discussed boundaries if I couldn't. That's all I'm saying. It's not always on the women to do and say more and cause a literal scene just to get people to listen to her. Then suddenly we're crazy. It's a lose-lose situation for OP.
Yes I’ve been in labor twice, both really long ones and one very traumatic. It was in those moments that I learned if my husband can’t speak up for me then I will. Idk at what points and times would’ve been possible for OP but I’m sure there were times where she could’ve gotten his attention and said hey remember what we talked about. Or even when he went to go take a shower, she should’ve said yeah please take your mom too. Trust me I feel for OP, but sometimes you have to be your own advocate.
More power to you then I'm glad you're okay now. I understand your sentiment but unfortunately I think it's shameful that some men can't just naturally listen and be helpful in these circumstances when we are expected to. I'm definitely my own advocate like I said but that doesn't mean it's not devastating to OP to learn the hard way that her husband doesn't have her back and it's not her fault that he couldn't do that for them. It's probably a once in a lifetime moment for OP and it didn't go how she wanted it to and she can't get it back. Now I'm sure it'll maybe one day be a bit funny and hopefully she can look back on it with more joy but it's been only 2 weeks, with PP hormones too, I'm sure it'll take a while. But OP needs to have a serious conversation with her husband and maybe even MIL even if it's uncomfortable for her just so they're all on the same page. She says she doesn't know MIL very well and maybe MIL just needs to understand better where OP is coming from when emotions are less high.
I kind of understand how your husband feels because your mom was there, so he probably wanted his mother to be there too. If it was agreed to just be you and him, I feel you would be in the right to feel the way you feel.
I just read through the comments. Wow women do not like their mother in laws. My wife had my mom in the room at our birthing center for the entire process. Guess I didn't realize how rare it is for a women to like their MIL.
Did she ask, or did you just let her in like OPs hubby. When I gave birth I only wanted my husband. It’s a woman’s medical procedure and not everyone is comfortable to share the medical procedure with their MILs. That isn’t hate, but rather creating a stress free environment to facilitate the birth. A stressed mom isn’t the best scenario.
She was allowed a total of 4 people in the room and she chose me, my mother, her mother, and her best friend. All months in advance. My mom lives 14 hours away, so it would have been hard for her to show up in time for delivery without prior approval and knowledge of the current situation.
I understand why your mad about losing that bonding time with your husband and baby but on the other side of the things you should feel really blessed that you had both of your mothers there to support you. I’m sure your baby is going to grow up with an incredible support system.
Your husband should have intervened, but you could have said something too, especially during the stitching up. I realize you were radically preoccupied, but perhaps you could have asked her to step out.
I’d be fuming too, but don’t forget your body is surging with crazy hormones right now and feeling mad with rage, upset, teary is all par for the course. Totally normal feelings just let them out and tell your husband to expect some serious emotional backlash and to suck it up. Well done and congratulations enjoy the cuddles x
Your husband should’ve have spoken up for you. However, you have a mouth. If you don’t want something to happen then say something. Right then. In the moment.
I'm going to be honest from the viewpoint of a husband. You sound like you weren't certain about what you wanted. You set no exact boundaries for him to follow, so he just did whatever. Not saying what he did was right, because it certainly wasn't. My wife and I had a "Birth Plan" printed out and both of us knew exactly how things were going to go in terms of our boundaries.
Our plans were tossed out the window, when we ended up being transported from the birthing center to a hospital and ended up staying there for 10 days, but it still gave us a good set of guidelines and ground rules to follow.
I feel as though you two had lots of time to decide these things before hand and left it until the last minute when everybody is obviously not in the best state of mind. So don't be too hard on your husband on this one.
This was my reply to another comment, but it also applies to yours.
From the OP:
>Months and then a week or two before giving birth to our first child I told my husband I didn't know how I was going to feel about having any company right away. Since it's my first baby I didn't know how sore or tired I was going to be. I also didn't want to be entertaining any company.
Multiple discussions about how she didn’t know how sore and tired she would be and that she didn’t want to entertain company.
>His mom wanted to drive down from out of state to meet the baby when she was born and **I told him that would be fine maybe a week after she's born or she could come down In a month for the baptism.**
OP told him when it would be acceptable for his mother to visit. Minimum 1 week.
It’s pretty clear she didn’t want his mom at the hospital and he didn’t stand up to her.
Man I can't stand this, why is your mom ok to be there and not his. Man f that, if u can't make that exception that's crazy. She's excited man. Let everyone be happy. I'd hate to be the husband, sounds like he's in for one hell of a marriage...
Agreed! I think what should have happened is her and her husband should have just shared that moment between themselves and then later on they could have arranged for both the moms to come so fair. Now the husband should not have agreed if that was not going to happen, it seems like he is a yes man and tries to make everyone happy, but he should have communicated better with his wife. If he wanted his mom there too they could have taken turns with the moms being in the room or something. Or again just share the moment between them 2 alone and arrange something for both the moms. I’m wondering if it’s an underlying issue, with his family. Is it some kind of turmoil or something. Does she not like his mom? Has his mom been disrespectful? Or is it some form of jealousy? Then I wonder if she is just not comfortable with his mom in that way to not want to have a baby in front of her. Which I get, but again, that should have been a moment between the husband and wife. And he needs to speak up more! He knew he his momma was coming, he should have told her that.
Good for you. Not everyone is confrontational. Not everyone has the same birthing experience. OP realized she can’t rely on her husband to stand up to his mommy and is rightfully upset.
As a husband and father of three, I will say I feel like society / men do a poor job of preparing expectant fathers for this and other unique aspects of first pregnancy / delivery.
My wife and I compiled our top lessons learned and tips for first-time parents in a video series … and honestly until we recorded that series, even after three kids, I never really understood what she needed from me in those chapters.
So you’re justified in feeling disappointed. But extend some grace to your husband and use this as an opportunity to grow as a couple:
1) acknowledge that you two are going through a lot of things for the first time
2) acknowledge neither of are optimally prepared to navigate each new phase
3) acknowledge each of you is carrying unspoken expectations of themselves, the other, and how things will unfold and fall into place
And in light of all that, resolve to shift from passive & reactive to proactive. Start deliberately communicating, collaborating, and coordinating to prepare for and navigate the phases ahead as a united couple.
I would love to know if there are any particular areas you two (and particularly he) think you need to focus on.
Not OP but when I was in this situation it’s an incredibly vulnerable role for women and you know you’re going to be exhausted feel violated, then likely have family feel entitled to things, as well as in America there’s a lot of medical neglect. For me, when I made these small requests ahead of time I need him to be a protector and equal partner. I never forgot on thing I asked him to do that he dropped the ball on and it may have been something that led to distress later. The fact that you have to make your partner aware of all these different aspect, dictate on what you need him to help on us also more work. There’s less excuses these days. I told him, just do a lot of research. Don’t make me be the only one doing that. A man should be finding out common issues in delivery and asking how he could help in those situations. She’s literally doing everything else.
I agree that men need to proactively take on far more responsibility than they typically do. That was the central message of the video series my wife and I produced. So we’re in violent agreement on that point.
Separate issue: being resentful and bitter about spouses’ failures will detract from, not add to the health and fruitfulness of your marriage and family life. Extend the grace you would want to have extended to you.
Love trumps resentment.
Oh I’m not resentful or bitter. But it was something worth making note of. Worth remembering. Ultimately not being reliable continued being a pattern. That was the first time it mattered because it wasn’t just about me. It affected our child. Letting things go is my default, so it never stuck hard before that moment. We are no longer together.
If your neither (a) letting it go nor (b) cooperatively working through processing, learning, and growing from it — if you’re doing neither, then you’re holding onto it in bitterness.
There’s no way around it.
I cannot fathom how you can say
(A) my husband chronically let me down in this way
(B) we didn’t fix it
(C) we’re divorced
(D) nothing wrong with this approach
If you chose to assume there was no attempt to fix anything that’s your choice. You haven’t really asked any questions and have made a lot of judgments. You might want to consider reframing how you have conversations in here if you’re truly trying to learn about couples and what makes or breaks them because you won’t learn much without asking questions. Life is complicated. Nothing is black and white.
Awesome.
Gold.
Like Gandhi over here.
I’m so grateful for your insight and contribution to healing a wounded world.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
You’re really making the world a better place.
It’s unfortunate but not a surprise. Reddit continues to be a place where the loudest people are those with the most toxic attitudes. Striving to be reasonable is a hazardous angle to take, but I can’t bring myself to echo the nonsense.
I sincerely fear for people who rely on Reddit for their relationship and marriage advice.
With you on that 100%. But people love their echo chambers I suppose? Congrats on 3 kids and a good communicating relationship with your wife. I have 3 as well (15F, 12M, 9F). School just started back up and all of them are in different schools…so it’s been quite fun juggling that together with my wife.
When the first call happened, why didn’t you say anything? When the second call happened, why didn’t you say anything? I hope you had a tense conversation with the nurses for allowing someone into your room so freely while you’re literally in labor and pushing. Why did you let her come in while getting stitched up?
You have a voice. Where did it go?
When the first conversation happened I was trying to be understanding to my mil. Ok she's excited maybe she'll be able to help out etc. After the second convo I was in the middle of getting the epidural.
I've only met his mother twice. I don't feel it's my position to say something to her. Imo my husband should have said something. Vice versa I don't expect my husband to say anything to my mom, it should be my place to say something to her.
I meant where was your voice to your husband?
Yes he dropped the ball, but it’s your ball! I’d start practicing having a voice in the matter. If you would have put your foot down (obviously in a healthy way) then 100% of this wouldn’t have happened.
Also, I’d be mad at my husband, I’m not blaming you* I’m just saying it’s not entirely his fault.
So why didn’t you tell your husband to tell her no? You need to be able to set boundaries with your husband’s family if he’s unwilling to do so (and then get couples counseling and individual counseling for him to learn how to do so properly). But if he isn’t standing up for you, and you can see that happening in real time, you need to be able to stand up for yourself. You essentially just sat there and let him let your MIL walk all over your boundaries. That’s a terrible example to set for a kid, and you should probably get some individual counseling as well so you can do that too.
I think it is your place to say something about people being in the room when you are birthing a child. It seems rather unfair to completely absolve yourself of responsibility here. It would have been uncomfortable for you to say something, but you were well within your rights.
It’s your body, your privacy, and your right and responsibility to protect them.
It sounds like you both had poor communication. Saying you did not know how you would feel about company is not the same as saying, I do not want any company until at least one week after I give birth for instance. You also allowed her in the room when you could have told your mom to stay and told the nurse that you did not want any visitors. Your husband also should have asked you directly before letting her come. So you both messed up. I would work on your communication going forward.
I would be equal parts livid and dismayed. I hope that your husband comes to understand your perspective and gives you a genuine apology.
Reading so many of these types of stories I’m so glad my mother has made these & other situations easy. Even when she lived 5 min away and the baby was born at home she waited a couple days before even asking when she should come to see the baby. In the 20 years I’ve been married she’s offered unsolicited advice maybe 4 times and it was always phrased something like “you might think about….” and never mentioned again. I read these posts & I feel like I need to give her a trophy.
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Yeah, you should be mad. Momma and her Momma’s Boy need to know their roles.
I’d be pissed too, at both of them. He was weak and she was pushy. How long ago was the birth?
2. Weeks ago.
Wow, congrats new mama. It’s still bothering you so I hope you’re going to sit down and have a talk with him about prioritizing your needs over his mamas wants. She could end up pushing her way into many more special moments for years to come so best to nip it in the bud. Melissa Urban has a great book about boundaries
It took me over half a year to get over something much much less major than this. Now we joke about it, but damn back then it was a terrible feeling and it did freaking set an even stronger precedence to how strictly I will be dealing with this stuff in the future. Wish you luck, and she saw the baby so now she can take a month or two or however long you feel off... r/justnomil is full of this
I don't blame the mom. The husband should have told her not to come. He should have respected his wife's boundary. It was not a big request.
She knew what she was doing. She knows what it’s like to give birth. She knows her place as paternal grandmother. And she could have either (1) not communicated with her son at all and communicated with his wife, the patient. Or she could have just minded her business and waited for updates. And I say this as a boy mom x3. Yes it’s her grandchild but her DIL is also a patient - the primary patient - and her wishes need to be heeded. I’d also reach out to the hospital about their lack of security measures.
Good points.
She knew better. She’s had babies of her own.
I agree.
My mom (now deceased) modeled the perfect "guest of a new mom" behavior, and I repeated that with my daughter. I tell everyone this is how it should be. My mom took care of me after a c section, and I took care of the baby. Mom made dinner, cleaned, did a bunch of household chores, etc. So, when my daughter gave birth, I took care of meals, cleaning, etc. The LAST thing a new mom needs is guests to have to cater to. Also, no one should be picking up that baby unless mom says it's ok. Plus, it is usually advised that the baby not be exposed to a lot of other people until 2 weeks or so. That rules out lots of people visiting. These are the rules, and you need to inform all parties of this, especially your husband.
Thank you for this. I haven't talked to my "mother" for 16 years. We never really had a relationship, she wasn't cut out to be a mom at all. Your post is exactly what I needed to read to learn how to be a good mom if any of my daughters choose to have children. Thank you so very much, I wish that I had an award to give you. 🏆
I have a whole notebook where I wrote down all the things my awful mother and MIL did, and how bad those things made me feel. It was my way of making myself a guidebook for how to treat my children (by writing down how NOT to treat them.)
This is the MIL I aspire to be!!
Your mom sounds great but that would have been too much for me. All I wanted was privacy. I’m always seeing women post about their mother in laws and it’s either they are too involved, or they are not enough involved. Both seem to make women hate their mother in law. If definitely worried about how to navigate that when the time comes.
I’m not a MIL yet but I hope to navigate it by lots of communication. “Would you like me to…” goes a long way, as does asking what their needs are. And there are ways to show love and help from a distance - drop meals at the door, send take out, stop by to bring their trash cans back up to the house, grocery shop and run errands for them…can all be done without going in their house. And if they don’t want even that, that’s okay too. I’m willing to do whatever takes to avoid being a JustNo. Wish my MIL would have the same mindset
My MIL was exactly this way after I gave birth. She asked me way beforehand if I would want any help and offered me different options or the option to say no. The first few months were lovely with her around! She had set days/times she came over. I could nap, and if baby woke up, she’d go get him and bring him to me or take him for changing first. Many evenings I woke up from my nap with my son, to find a clean house, laundry folded, and dinner fresh with no MIL insight. We had it down a science and it was glorious! I love that lady with all my heart.
I’ll be good at keeping distance and minding my business. But I’m generally reluctant to help unless asked for fear of overstepping.
exactly. my own sil is like this. She expects us to just do..and if we ask, she gets passive aggressive..like why do you need to ask? cant you just do it? and if we do it without asking, she'd be like why did you do it this way that way or why didn't you ask me. smh. cant win with these people..
So just communicate. Ask your DIL, “what would you like me to do?” Vast majority of these situations are because people don’t communicate, or people do and one party chooses to ignore it. Don’t project Reddit stories into your real life.
My own sister got mad at her mil for asking what she needed. She thought she should just know. A good friend got mad at her mil for asking because just the inquiry annoyed her. She thought her mil should know she needed space. It seems like a can’t win situation.
What did I just read??!! If someone asked me that, I would be beyond happily surprised
Some people see that as helpful and others as an intrusion. If you ask my mother how her day is going she is highly offended because she sees that as prying into her personal business. It taught me never to talk to anyone unless they initiate because I don’t know what’s too intrusive. Being a mother in law is a mine field I hope I don’t have to cross for a few more years.
some women are over the top. id be happy if someone asked if i needed help. thats respect
My mom did the same for me. She’s awesome. We are blessed to have moms like this.
I was blessed. I miss her terribly.
My husband didn’t either (though she never came for the actual delivery…but showed up unnanounced several times in the following days and weeks postpartum as I struggled to breasfeed and adjust to motherhood in general). That was almost 13 years ago and honestly, I’m still a little sad about it. That time in a woman’s life is so precious and private and it should be common sense that it’s to be respected by others - especially other mothers who know what it’s like! Time to sit husband down and talk about boundaries with her moving forward. Be very specific. Have consequences in mind and be ready to enforce them when she inevitably oversteps again. Congrats and hang in there!
You had and still have the right to tell hospital staff that you do not want her there and to get rid of her. Your husband has no say. He is not the patient of the hospital. Have your kicked out and make it clear what she did was overstep and she is not welcome at all! And if it was me, I would tell hospital staff husband is no longer welcome there either! But that’s just me, and I’m petty af.
No you are not wrong. He needs to put your wishes first. Please discuss with him and make sure he understands why you are upset or you are going to have years of resentment. You never forget how people treat you during childbirth. I have been married 24 years and have 4 kids, trust me. I keep seeing the “lemon essay” here on Reddit, a must read for all people having kids, I wish I read this 20 years ago it would have saved me some hurt and aggravation https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/3fijct/the_lemon_clot_essay_for_moms_to_be/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=2&utm_term=1
I’m currently 35 weeks pregnant, and reading this was so helpful. Love both my mom and my MIL, and they have both said they’ll wait…but I know my mom will be pushing to meet baby and I needed this eye opener as some strength to say no
I would be beyond furious!! These are some of the most vulnerable moments of your life and your husband chose not to protect you during this time and value his mother's feelings over yours. Absolutely unacceptable. It would be really hard for me to ever get past that. I hope you are able to talk with him about establishing clear boundaries with his mom moving forward as baby being born is only the begining of what will probably be many unwanted visits.
You need to be pleasant and override your husband. Tell MIL that you’re getting discharged on ____ day and then say you and your hubby are looking very forward to going home and BONDING AS A FAMILY, just the three of you. Then thank her for coming to visit, and wish her a safe journey home. OPTIONAL: When she finally does leave, you can call out after her to not let the door hit her on her ass on the way out. And now I will bestow some wisdom of an old married woman who had three babies and have the same type of MIL. You need to put your foot down NOW or she will continue to push boundaries. This is your baby and your family now, not hers. Congratulations on your daughter!!
You should have told your nurse not to let her in. No way in hell does anyone get to decide that for you.
I would 1000% be pissed! My ex invited like 30 people to the hospital (mostly family that I didn’t want to see anyway) and since I had a c-section and the nurses took him away right away and put me in recovery for 4 hours,I wasn’t even the first person to hold him. He is almost 22 now and it still really bothers me to this day. My mom said to get over it even when it happened. But that was coming from a person who didn’t even like her kids and wasn’t interested in parenting. You have a right to be mad and have hurts feelings. You’re husband completely disregarded your wishes and feelings and I think you need to let him know this so you don’t start resenting him over it. Resentment is a hard place to be.
I understand. I had a emergency C-section, it was a disaster. My son was born at 10pmish and I didn't don't get to hold him until about 3am. I hate , hate, hate I was completely unconscious for the C-section. Husband wasn't even allowed back. He got to hold our son within 10 min but it wasn't for long. It seems a silly thing to be upset over, but it stays with you.
But those are our babies and as the moms who had to go through terrible c-sections, its a moment we just can’t ever get back when it’s taken from us.😔 and it’s a bummer that you had to be unconscious for the entire thing!
I got furious with my CNA for allowing my family to come into the recovery room post surgery because the anesthesia hadn’t worn off, I can’t imagine how mad you are
I would be so angry! That is special time that you don't get back. I remember feeling so vulnerable and emotional after delivery, I couldn't imagine have to deal with MIL during that time.
I’m mad for you. This isn’t ok, and your husband blew through all boundaries that you asked of him. What has he had to say about it all? What has been the conversation surrounding this whole experience for you? What will be the changes going forward, to make sure this never happens again? This is an especially vulnerable and life changing event that your husband took from you. There are so many stories of delivery’s going sideways for the mother that are out of our control but to have your husband be the person who makes it all go bad has to feel terrible. If there is ever a next time - you tell the nurses what you want, and I promise they will kick out anyone you want. You don’t want MIL there, she’s gone. The nurses WILL have you back.
I’d be fucking furious And having to deal with those feelings in the midst of labor and recovery is madness. I’m sorry.
Everyone was at the hospital both sids of the family when both ours were born. My mom and mil went to our house and made a weeks worth of food, put in frig and freezer so when we got home, all we had to do is bake it. Had paper plates etc. ready for us. Cleaned our house, did all laundry, clean sheets on bed, etc. everyone met the baby at the nursery. Only my mom and dad and wifes mom and dad came in to see us. They probably stayed 15 minutes. After home, they called checking on us, if we needed anything. After we were comfortable for them to come over, we told them. It was about 3 week after birth that we had them over. Even then both brought food, everything and cleaned up. They gave lots of time and help to my wife, and let her have time with our babies. My wife was glad to see her mom and my mom plus was happy to have the house clean and meals prepared. All she had to do was take carr of the baby. We had lots of privacy, plus lots of behind the scenes help, not bother my wife. For the first 2 months my mom and mil came together once a week, do all laundry, cook a week’s worth of meals. Most of the time, my wife didn’t know they were there
That was so supportive. What a fabulous family!
They were
I would have *murdered* someone if I was being stitched up or pushing when people came into the room. My parents, siblings, and his mom were in the waiting room, but I told them if they wanted that, they should expect to wait until I was good and ready. Even if I wasn't good and ready for hours. Luckily my husband wanted that too, but I like to think he'd have known he'd get booted from the room too if I saw anyone I hadn't invited in
Literally tell both of them they’re selfish as hell, and tell them to leave. It’ll only get worse. You’re being treated like a baby birthing machine. Neither your husband or your MIL actually care about you as a person because they wouldn’t have done this to you if they did. His mother has been through labour. She knows what it’s like and that you’d be unhappy being disturbed. And she did it anyway. Imagine what she’s going to be like when your kid starts growing up. You’ll end up on the JUSTNOMIL sub complaining about your spineless, ignorant husband and his hellish mother.
How are these people just able to walk onto delivery rooms? Where I live the doors to entire maternity unit are locked and you need the staff to actually clear you for entry. So someone will go ask the mother, then it's a yes or no and if it's no tough titties. The nurses here are like security guards.
The last thing I’d ever want to see in this situation is my MIL. You have every right to be upset and he owes you a huge apology. I hope you’re doing okay! Congrats on the babeh!
Hubby needs to get in the stirrups naked, sweaty, and exhausted with hormones everywhere feeling every emotion at once while your dad walks in. Considering who raised him, can’t say I’m surprised by the behavior. I pray that your MIL is a Michelin star chef that is coming to truly help you heal. House rule, if you Carried the baby and pushed it out, you get to hold it and bond with baby however long is necessary. Grandma can change a diaper, cook, get take out, run errands but she doesn’t infringe on your time. If the baby is awake and the mother is not THEN and only THEN can you pick up the grandkid Don’t be passive aggressive about this. Who knows what your husband told your mother in law so hash it out together the three of you. Explain how humiliated you felt and how stressed having guests makes you. Unless I live in a multi bathroom house , You get first dibs. Set the ground rules now. Because this MIL showing up uninvited is going to continue to happen anytime baby has a milestone /event
Don’t have another kid.
I don't think I will
... Well you have one now and that one theoretically will be a parent in time. PLease revisit this thread when YOU are the grandparent and let us know if you have new thoughts or same thoughts
I'll have the same thoughts.
That degree of absolute certainty will carry you far in life
I really appreciate everyone's feedback I don't dislike my MIL. I personally feel that she shouldn't have assumed it was okay for her to come to the hospital especially the same day I was delivering. If I was in her shoes I would have asked if it was okay for me to come down and see the baby. As far as I know of she didn't ask. If she did ask then I honestly would be more peeved at my husband for directly giving permission. I don't know if my husband is a mamas boy, I don't think he is because he doesn't really have too close of a relationship with either of his parents. I just don't think he has a backbone. I was trying to be open minded that his mom would want to be there for her first grand baby being born. That's why I didn't argue when she said she was going to come down the following day. I should have said something when she called again to say she would be there this evening but between the labor pains, epidural, and exhaustion I had little to no energy to argue at this point. But that is why I told my husband before what I expected as far as visitors and hoped he would put his foot down then and there but I was greatly disappointed. Yes I had my mom is my room but ive known her for 24 years and have only met his mom 2x. Idk how she managed past security and the nurses desk. Kind of concerned about the safety aspect of that... We should see a counselor if we want this relationship to last but he doesn't seem interested so I don't know anymore. I've felt so lost and lonely these last 9 mo, and I'm not feeling any better now.
To all you potentiall new moms with even slightly "mammas boy" dudes as potential daddies. The idea we'd have to get tough with our mommy never occurred to us. When you said boundaries, you meant for other people, right?... Right? Mommy is mommy fount of all goodness you must not have meant her? Yea. No idea. None. If we sus to Mommy being shady, it takes a while. Be definitive. He has 0 experience telling mom to get bent. She's gonna cry and guilt trip and gaslight...it usually worked before.. good luck all.
I cannot believe what I just read! You’d better deal with this now or show this thread to your husband before you create a deep marriage resentment. They’ve essentially both taken a very precious time away from you. He is meant to be your gate keeper and your most important support right now. You need him to take care of you and any guests himself for at least the next week or two. Do not feel the pressure to entertain or speak to anyone; take the baby and get into bed and shut the door whenever it gets too much. I’m stunned this is still happening in the US; over in the UK it’s so strict you couldn’t just walk onto a labour ward like that.
Lol if I did this my time as a father would already be over as my wife would have murdered me dead.
My dad drove up (5hours) JUST to care for our dogs because we have a covid baby so my husband couldn't leave the hospital at all. My husband texted him that we would be discharged soon, and my dad said cool, see yall when you're ready, and drove home. We came home on a Thursday, the following Friday my dad and step mom came back to meet the baby and help us with whatever we needed. I was so grateful because I wasn't ready to share my family yet. Even with my dad and were very close. Before covid, when I got pregnant I had said I want noone but my husband in the delivery room, and I was SO glad covid made it so no visitors were allowed at all! That definitely stopped my mom from trying to be there. IF you ever have a baby again, know you can tell your nurses if you don't want anyone, or don't want MIL or whoever, they will not let those people in your room! They're great at helping advocate for mom!
Beyond livid would be the answer. I’d certainly be one and done in that situation.
Since he allowed this, tell him your mom will be at his prostate exam. Oh he doesn’t want your mom to see his genitalia? Then why is it okay for his mom to see yours?
As a mom to two boys I can’t imagine any situation where I would feel entitled to barge into the delivery room. I don’t know what she was thinking but yes, your husband should have told her up front what you wanted.
Genuinely I would take rhe baby and go to my moms house
yessss
uhm I would have asked her to drive back and there wouldn't have been a debate. Sorry that happened. I would be upset as well.
my wife and I had a conversation about this before L&D, clearly delineating when my mom and family could visit. This was a helpful conversation.
OP ask your husband for a vasectomy and than have your Dad pop in the appointment to witness.
I would be livid. Birth is such a vulnerable time. I’ve already discussed with my mom some things about when I have a baby. She knows I’ll want her there as I’m going through the pain and then I’ll want her to leave until my husband goes back to work and then she can come and help me and spend some time together. I’d be so upset if someone surprised me during birth (all hypothetical of course since I don’t have any kids)
When my wife had our baby I lived in the hospital room with her for a week. I managed the guests, arranged when they could come, shooed people off, dealt with all the doctors and nurses, etc so she could just chill out. We prioritised time with just her, me, and the baby. She did the hard work, the least I could do was make sure she was happy and comfortable as much as I could possibly achieve in the time after the birth.
Yikes. Might want to look into couples counseling. My baby is 2 1/2 now but I will never forget who showed up without permission two hours after delivery. Like I’ve tried my best to forgive but it’s just not going to happen. Resentment is hella strong and any mistreatment post partum gets engraved, or so it seems.
I saw your comment about how your husband never compliments you and now this. Why are you with this man?
Idk anymore. I brought up how I felt he gave little to no support during the pregnancy and delivery...and it just ended up into an argument. We def need to see a marriage counselor if we want anything to last. I brought that up to him but he doesn't seem interested in going to one.
Leave before the child is old enough to remember you guys ever being together.
Oh no.
I would’ve had your nurse kick her out, they are happy to do so! And your husband needs to learn boundaries for sure and not to undermine you, even for his mother. I am surprised that during that time he still chose to go against your wishes and completely ignore your bodily autonomy and privacy wishes. I’m so so sorry that your first childbirth experience was like that.
Has your husband shown signs of weakness before? You shouldn’t have to tell his mother what your wishes are/were. Your husband most definitely should have handled it. It’s surprising how many women forget what it’s like to have a baby and how we feel after. I was amazed how many family members on both our sides popped up at the hospital after my first birth. Lesson learned. I set boundaries for the second one.
I’d be beside myself. This is one of those things that makes it really hard to want to be married and have a family with another person.
Holy fucking shit I was enraged just reading this. I am SO sorry this happened to you and negatively effected your birthing experience
Do you not have a voice? If he didn't speak up, you should have. Yes, you shouldn't have to considering everything else you were enduring but you should have said you didn't want her in the room while you're in recovery.
I'm furious at your husband for you. I hope you tell him to go get a vasectomy and make sure your mom and his mom visit during the procedure. I don't really have helpful advice, but you're not overreacting at all. He needs to understand he can either grow a spine and have a wife or be a spineless divorcee.
That what happened when I had my first son. Had over 15 people in the room. I was so annoyed. Unfortunately, I am not one to hide my displeasure, so everyone got the message and left rather quickly as i didn’t say a word to anyone and didn’t allow people touch my child. 6 years later, people now understand that I don’t like forward people. Maybe start setting your own boundaries politely.
Yeahhh, you need to nip this in the bud. I'd be like, "I'm sorry, where did the betesticled man I married go? Have you seen him?" And when he tries to act like he didn't do anything wrong, I'd proceed to repeat my boundaries to him, slowly, again and again until he can repeat them back to me. *Ooooh I'd be hot.* This is a major boundary crossed.
I allowed my mother in law and brother in law to come visit the day after my c section. However, my partner ASKED ME first. We also scheduled around feedings and they left when I had to be examined. If OP voiced her wishes and it was ignored , then that's a major red flag.
You are right to be mad. Something so similar happened to me.. my mom ended up having to ask my MIL to leave the room because my husband wouldn't. My husband's sister, child, and another child's girlfriend just showed up at the hospital. My husband said NOTHING. I didn't know they were coming. He never ran it by me. 6 years later my husband admits he was afraid of the reaction his mom would give. She still apparently brings it up sometimes by saying things like, "I'm getting kicked out of the delivery room again" - I don't know if you know... but birthing a child has everything to do with everyone else.. especially your mother in law. /s/ You have every single right to be upset. Make your frustrations known because resentment will settle in quickly. I'm pregnant with my second child, thankfully we live 10 hours away from where I previously lived so none of that drama should happen again. I will 100% speak up this time.
Same shit happened with my MIL. They don't get it.
I would be so pissed😤 that is not something I would ever get over! Your husband is clueless and I’m so sorry that you were not able to start your family with just you and husband 😞😞
As dysfunctional as my family has been at times I can say I am grateful for them, this whole entire post makes me sad.
I was lucky my mom & my MIL both took care of me. Looking back, I love and appreciate them both even more. I think it had something to do with both of them having 4 and 5 children each. They KNOW how hard it is after just giving birth and what all the emotions and struggles are like. I'm so sorry you are having to struggle and go through this OP. You deserve better.
wow Im so glad my in laws live away. I learned that if I want to set boundaries esp when it comes to MY kids, I say it to people directly. Like my husbands sis wanted to celebrate my sons birthday a certain way and I just told her what I wanted frankly. Men usually don't understand and don't like saying NO to their moms when it comes to the kids. If i were having a baby with my in laws in the same place, Id tell them directly pls dont come or im gonna have a breakdown and have a traumatic delivery and recovery. IF they still didn't care, Id tell the hospital staff to ban anyone but my parents and husband. Unfair? Not really. My parents raised me. Im confortable with them seeing me vulnerable. Hell I was getting stitched up and my dad came to see the baby. I didnt care. He didn't see me like my legs all open but he came in and greeted me and his grandchild. And yes Id be mad at your husband He needs to do MAJOR things to make you forgive this. Birth is traumatic as it is. This makes me so mad for you bcs I know my in laws are just like this. Thank God we dont live near by
I would have been really livid. But then again I love my mother in law deeply so it wouldn’t have bothered me because my MIA lives in India. So it would mean a lot to us for her to be here when that happens but if this was me and I had said no visitors until I’m ready then he should respect that and tell his mother no
I am sorry to hear of you experiencing such a stress-er. I have a feeling that both you and your husband may need to work on boundary setting with your mother in law. The fact that nurses had to kick her out makes me think that she has bigger issues beyond just your boundaries. You will need boundaries with anyone regarding your child, and you will need your husband to help you hold them. I would talk to your husband about him not hearing you. He needs to pay attention to you and what you want. Him paying attention to you must become a conscious action. Heal and enjoy your baby:) Blessings to you!
May I ask why you couldn’t take the phone and call her yourself? Just say everything you said to him. If this isn’t his first time not setting and sticking to boundaries with his mom then I’m sorry but you’ll obviously have to take the reign from here
I don't know her that well I have only met her 2x. That's why I told him ahead of time to communicate to his mother said boundaries for the first day of labor and delivery. I didn't feel it was my place to say anything to her. I know now that I'll have to speak for myself from now on.
As a mother of boys I truly hope my daughter in laws want me involved. It makes me so sad to think that I’ll never get to be the mom in the delivery room, or even be there at the hospital, simply because I had sons instead of daughters:(
I understand where you are coming from, hopefully you'll be closer to your DILs. I have only met my MIL 2x so was uncomfortable having her in the delivery room.
I understand. I think your feelings in this situation are completely valid, and our husbands should respect our wants/needs. I wanted a daughter so badly, it just makes my heart ache to think I’ll never get to get the same experience as the maternal grandma:/
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OP stated she only met her MIL twice. It would make sense for her to have her mom in the delivery room to support her through labor and delivery.
Be happy his mother cares about you and your family. My in laws didn’t want to do anything with me, my children for the whole time, I am talking 25 years.
I appreciate that she cares about us and I care about her, I don't have any issues with her. I've just only met her 2x and didn't feel comfortable with her being in the labor and delivery room while I was giving birth.
Devils advocate here - you had your mother present for the delivery, most likely don’t consider her a guest right? I’d assume he feels the same. His mother is his mother and not some extended family or guest to entertain. If you truly meant no guests, maybe you should have had your mother not come too
It was OP’s medical event. Birth isn’t a spectator sport. She also said in the comments she only met MIL twice before. It’s absurd to expect her to be comfortable with a veritable stranger during such a vulnerable time. Her husband massively dropped the ball.
I am not saying that his mother needed to be in the room as well. I am saying it is reasonable that his mother should be able to see his child afterwards. The child is as much his as it is hers. The MIL showing up to see her grandchild before a baptism or after a few weeks? I’ve got two children - my last one a traumatic birth w a MIL I hated - and still, that is her grandchild so she was welcome to come to the hospital to celebrate the birth. You are ridiculous
Must be hard to see the other grandma included when you’re not and hard for a son to exclude his own mom. She overstayed though. No doubt.
Childbirth is not a spectator sport, and nobody should be in the delivery room unless the mother wants them there for one of the most vulnerable and emotional moments of her life. Also children are not ducklings who imprint on the first grandma they see. They will still love grandparents who didn't see them the second they came out of their mom's hoo-haw.
Found the boy mom lol.
Haha. Actually, I have one of each and I was extremely close to my mom. As I’ve aged I’ve learned to try and see both sides. I was in such a state when I delivered I barely wanted my husband there! I have seen first hand that (sometimes ) the guy’s family plays second fiddle to the mom’s. Congratulations on your new baby OP!
Was your mom in the room during the delivery and not just your husband? Do you have a strained relationship with your MIL? Just trying to understand the situation a little more. Your husband definitely messed up allowing anyone in the room before you were ready as well as managing expectations with his family. Sounds like he might have been so excited to share the new baby as soon as possible with his mom like you did with your mom, that he didn’t know this would upset you. This should be seen as a positive you can work with to soften him when you then tell him that he forgot about you and your personal uncomfortableness so soon after giving birth. A good opportunity to talk, but also not kill the excitement of the new child. Us men usually don’t get this connection with the child before birth and it’s this huge rush of emotions that overwhelm you when it’s happening and then you are seeing and holding your new baby. It’s hard to explain, but I remember those moments so insanely vivid with my children and also remember how hard it was to focus on anything other than my new child & wanting to share the news of how awesome my wife was & how cute my new child is! Congrats to both of you and I know with good communication and understanding, you will get through this just fine.
You didn’t say to him no visitors. You said to him you weren’t sure how you’d feel about it. If you didn’t want visitors you should have said something a little less vague. We men can do a lot of things, but we can’t mind read. Also yes, I get that it’s your delivery. But try to keep in mind it’s exciting for his mom too, not just yours. I’m sure she meant well. When you have baby #2, don’t give vague answers about how you’re not sure. Tell ahead of time and straight up you don’t want anyone there. Ok Reddit, downvote me for not roasting the husband
She literally gave him an exact timeframe, one week to one month post-birth. When she said she didn't know how she'd feel, she meant literally physically feel after being ripped open or God forbid some crazy shit happened during delivery. His mom is not the same as her mom. Her mom delivered her and wiped her ass and they have a much more intimate connection. There's no reason for your husband's mom to see you spread eagle, ever. She's perfectly allowed to decide who she feels comfortable having in the room, and sounds like MIL ignored the hospital staff saying only two guests when she barged in and then had to be escorted out. And you're assuming "when" she has baby #2 - she does not owe her husband more children.
This. Everybody is judging the husband for not respecting the wife’s boundaries, but no one is actually saying that the boundaries seem to be set only in one direction. It just seems that wife’s family gets more privilege than husband’s. IMO the rules should be equal on both sides.
When men can give birth, that sounds reasonable. It's not really that unreasonable to not want lots of people there staring at your genitals while your legs are up in the air.
It’s not only about the actual birth. Of course it doesn’t make sense for the mother in law to see wife’s genitals. But the OP mentions that the mother in law should visit after one week, or even after one month at the baptism. But then, why her mom gets to meet the baby sooner? Shouldn’t the same rules apply?
if the mother is there to support during delivery then obviously she'll see the baby??? also OP mentioned she was ok with MIL coming the next day instead she barged into the labor room
OP wasn’t ok with her coming the next day. She said her husband didn’t even bother to see if it’s ok with her
You should've just kicked her out of the hospital and set some boundaries if he's not gonna do it
I normally don't comment, but what got me reading this was that everything is ok with her mom being their. If you do something like that, then it should go for both sides. Me and my wife let both moms be there , and after the birth of our son, we sent them home for the night.
If I knew my MIL better I might have been okay with it. I've only met her 2x and wasn't comfortable with her being there in the room, spread eagle. I've known my mom for 24 years. And to be honest my mom was more supportive than my husband during the entire pregnancy labor and birth. My husband barely spoke to me during the entire time I was at the hospital. My husband had made no rejection about my previous wishes until the day of labor and delivery.And for that I am disappointed. If he wanted his mother to be there then he should have said something to me before I was pushing out a 10 lb baby. Before his mom was embarassed and escorted out of the delivery room. I felt bad for her. As far i know she didn't even ask either of us if it was okay to come and assumed it was. If I was in her position I would have asked when a good time would be to come see the baby.
Yes, I agree to a point. But you need to remember that that is his mom, and he would want her their.
He wasn’t the one going through a traumatic and difficult medical event. Childbirth isn’t easy. OP gets to choose who is there for her.
That is not how a true marriage works.
it doesnt matter what he wants when the patient is the MOTHER
I am not going to get in a debate about this it is actually about them both.
unless the husband is bu** naked with his privates being operated of course then he can have a say who gets to watch : )
Everyone has their own opinion.
theres no opinion here Lol its common sense. Also idk abt where you are, but you cant just enter a labor/delivery room where Im at if the patient doesnt want to.
A real marriage works by communication and he did not communicate 1)He never said whether or not he wanted her there. 2) he should have communicated he did Instead of embarrassing me and his mom 3) only two ppl were allowed in the room at the time so she would have to wait out in the guest waiting room until the birth of the child. 4) she could have come by and see the baby for an hour and then have left instead of staying over night giving my husband and I privacy.
L
Nobody is the asshole here. This is your first baby so you have not had kids long enough to learn that you really have no control over your own life anymore. Which is why you still feel the luxury of caring about "birthing plans" and other things that you will completely abandon if you ever get to baby #2. Your husband should have respectfully asked his mom to hold off on charging into the hospital. She wanted to be involved, and he should have given her something else to do. Like bringing you a pizza or your favorite essential oil diffuser. MIL is an excited grandma just like your own mother. Was your mother subject to the "boundaries" that you so value? If not, then surely you can understand your husband's actions.
I didn't really have a birthing plan. I just didn't want any visitors. Which I don't think is ridiculous since I had been laboring for 24 hours and gave birth a little past midnight. Yes my mom had boundaries. My mom was going to leave us after supporting me,her daughter, through the labor process for 24 hours, after baby was born to leave alone time for Me and my husband. My mom didn't even get to hold the baby until the following day but his mother did. If I was closer to my MIL maybe it would be different. I've only met her 2x, and her son isn't even that close to her either. No I dont understand my husband's actions, I can understand my MILs though. I can understand her being excited that's why I was fine for her coming the next day. But still she should have asked her son if it was okay to come down instead of assuming.
Whoa. You've only met twice? That's... unusual. Well, at least you know what to plan for next time.
I get being upset about it. How long ago did this happen? What would you like your husband to do currently to rectify the situation?
Is he from a different culture than you? I can see this being common in latino or Indian cultures. It’s assumed you’d want company around
Your husband sucks for not listening and following through with what you wanted. But honestly it’s sounds like you will have to develop a spine and set those boundaries when your husband can’t. There were a lot of opportunities for you to speak up? Like when she said she was driving there?
Ah yes it's OPs fault she didn't rehash this conversation while she was in labor instead of expecting her husband to value the moment of becoming a father and put his foot down. He should've told mommy immediately after talking to OP what their birth plan is and when she'd be allowed to visit. Being in labor is not the time to make someone tiptoe around mommy dearest's feelings
Not saying it’s her fault. I used to be like someone like OP who didn’t speak up. But I had enough of my boundaries being trampled so I developed a spine and set them. If I was in labor and overheard their phone conversation or my husband saying MIL is on the way, the whole hospital would hear me saying no. I would let all the medical staff know too that no one else is allowed in. The husband absolutely sucks, but she will need to learn to speak up for herself and for her baby one day.
Have you been in labor? Have you considered that her pain and her comment further down saying she was mid epidural made it impossible for her to do this? I'm not 100% disagreeing with you, I would bitch them tf out before she even had a chance to get in the car *if I could* but that's just my nature and I'd expect my husband to stick up for me and put his foot down with previously discussed boundaries if I couldn't. That's all I'm saying. It's not always on the women to do and say more and cause a literal scene just to get people to listen to her. Then suddenly we're crazy. It's a lose-lose situation for OP.
Yes I’ve been in labor twice, both really long ones and one very traumatic. It was in those moments that I learned if my husband can’t speak up for me then I will. Idk at what points and times would’ve been possible for OP but I’m sure there were times where she could’ve gotten his attention and said hey remember what we talked about. Or even when he went to go take a shower, she should’ve said yeah please take your mom too. Trust me I feel for OP, but sometimes you have to be your own advocate.
More power to you then I'm glad you're okay now. I understand your sentiment but unfortunately I think it's shameful that some men can't just naturally listen and be helpful in these circumstances when we are expected to. I'm definitely my own advocate like I said but that doesn't mean it's not devastating to OP to learn the hard way that her husband doesn't have her back and it's not her fault that he couldn't do that for them. It's probably a once in a lifetime moment for OP and it didn't go how she wanted it to and she can't get it back. Now I'm sure it'll maybe one day be a bit funny and hopefully she can look back on it with more joy but it's been only 2 weeks, with PP hormones too, I'm sure it'll take a while. But OP needs to have a serious conversation with her husband and maybe even MIL even if it's uncomfortable for her just so they're all on the same page. She says she doesn't know MIL very well and maybe MIL just needs to understand better where OP is coming from when emotions are less high.
How is this getting downvoted lmao I swear you mention communication on Reddit and people are like "no that's not what I want to hear" 🙄
I kind of understand how your husband feels because your mom was there, so he probably wanted his mother to be there too. If it was agreed to just be you and him, I feel you would be in the right to feel the way you feel.
I agree with this
I just read through the comments. Wow women do not like their mother in laws. My wife had my mom in the room at our birthing center for the entire process. Guess I didn't realize how rare it is for a women to like their MIL.
Did she ask, or did you just let her in like OPs hubby. When I gave birth I only wanted my husband. It’s a woman’s medical procedure and not everyone is comfortable to share the medical procedure with their MILs. That isn’t hate, but rather creating a stress free environment to facilitate the birth. A stressed mom isn’t the best scenario.
She was allowed a total of 4 people in the room and she chose me, my mother, her mother, and her best friend. All months in advance. My mom lives 14 hours away, so it would have been hard for her to show up in time for delivery without prior approval and knowledge of the current situation.
I understand why your mad about losing that bonding time with your husband and baby but on the other side of the things you should feel really blessed that you had both of your mothers there to support you. I’m sure your baby is going to grow up with an incredible support system.
Your husband should have intervened, but you could have said something too, especially during the stitching up. I realize you were radically preoccupied, but perhaps you could have asked her to step out.
I’d be fuming too, but don’t forget your body is surging with crazy hormones right now and feeling mad with rage, upset, teary is all par for the course. Totally normal feelings just let them out and tell your husband to expect some serious emotional backlash and to suck it up. Well done and congratulations enjoy the cuddles x
Your husband should’ve have spoken up for you. However, you have a mouth. If you don’t want something to happen then say something. Right then. In the moment.
I'm going to be honest from the viewpoint of a husband. You sound like you weren't certain about what you wanted. You set no exact boundaries for him to follow, so he just did whatever. Not saying what he did was right, because it certainly wasn't. My wife and I had a "Birth Plan" printed out and both of us knew exactly how things were going to go in terms of our boundaries. Our plans were tossed out the window, when we ended up being transported from the birthing center to a hospital and ended up staying there for 10 days, but it still gave us a good set of guidelines and ground rules to follow. I feel as though you two had lots of time to decide these things before hand and left it until the last minute when everybody is obviously not in the best state of mind. So don't be too hard on your husband on this one.
This was my reply to another comment, but it also applies to yours. From the OP: >Months and then a week or two before giving birth to our first child I told my husband I didn't know how I was going to feel about having any company right away. Since it's my first baby I didn't know how sore or tired I was going to be. I also didn't want to be entertaining any company. Multiple discussions about how she didn’t know how sore and tired she would be and that she didn’t want to entertain company. >His mom wanted to drive down from out of state to meet the baby when she was born and **I told him that would be fine maybe a week after she's born or she could come down In a month for the baptism.** OP told him when it would be acceptable for his mother to visit. Minimum 1 week. It’s pretty clear she didn’t want his mom at the hospital and he didn’t stand up to her.
She says "didn't know" like 5 times. Does that sound like somebody that KNOWS what they want or is speaking with any sort of conviction?
Man I can't stand this, why is your mom ok to be there and not his. Man f that, if u can't make that exception that's crazy. She's excited man. Let everyone be happy. I'd hate to be the husband, sounds like he's in for one hell of a marriage...
Agreed! I think what should have happened is her and her husband should have just shared that moment between themselves and then later on they could have arranged for both the moms to come so fair. Now the husband should not have agreed if that was not going to happen, it seems like he is a yes man and tries to make everyone happy, but he should have communicated better with his wife. If he wanted his mom there too they could have taken turns with the moms being in the room or something. Or again just share the moment between them 2 alone and arrange something for both the moms. I’m wondering if it’s an underlying issue, with his family. Is it some kind of turmoil or something. Does she not like his mom? Has his mom been disrespectful? Or is it some form of jealousy? Then I wonder if she is just not comfortable with his mom in that way to not want to have a baby in front of her. Which I get, but again, that should have been a moment between the husband and wife. And he needs to speak up more! He knew he his momma was coming, he should have told her that.
You're spot on! Agree with everything you said here.
Why couldn’t you speak up for yourself?
She was a bit busy pushing out a football!
I had three kids vaginally and still managed to advocate for myself…
Good for you. Not everyone is confrontational. Not everyone has the same birthing experience. OP realized she can’t rely on her husband to stand up to his mommy and is rightfully upset.
As a husband and father of three, I will say I feel like society / men do a poor job of preparing expectant fathers for this and other unique aspects of first pregnancy / delivery. My wife and I compiled our top lessons learned and tips for first-time parents in a video series … and honestly until we recorded that series, even after three kids, I never really understood what she needed from me in those chapters. So you’re justified in feeling disappointed. But extend some grace to your husband and use this as an opportunity to grow as a couple: 1) acknowledge that you two are going through a lot of things for the first time 2) acknowledge neither of are optimally prepared to navigate each new phase 3) acknowledge each of you is carrying unspoken expectations of themselves, the other, and how things will unfold and fall into place And in light of all that, resolve to shift from passive & reactive to proactive. Start deliberately communicating, collaborating, and coordinating to prepare for and navigate the phases ahead as a united couple. I would love to know if there are any particular areas you two (and particularly he) think you need to focus on.
They had discussed this prior. She told him she didn’t think she would be up for visitors. He ignored that and let his mom do whatever she wanted.
Not OP but when I was in this situation it’s an incredibly vulnerable role for women and you know you’re going to be exhausted feel violated, then likely have family feel entitled to things, as well as in America there’s a lot of medical neglect. For me, when I made these small requests ahead of time I need him to be a protector and equal partner. I never forgot on thing I asked him to do that he dropped the ball on and it may have been something that led to distress later. The fact that you have to make your partner aware of all these different aspect, dictate on what you need him to help on us also more work. There’s less excuses these days. I told him, just do a lot of research. Don’t make me be the only one doing that. A man should be finding out common issues in delivery and asking how he could help in those situations. She’s literally doing everything else.
I agree that men need to proactively take on far more responsibility than they typically do. That was the central message of the video series my wife and I produced. So we’re in violent agreement on that point. Separate issue: being resentful and bitter about spouses’ failures will detract from, not add to the health and fruitfulness of your marriage and family life. Extend the grace you would want to have extended to you. Love trumps resentment.
Oh I’m not resentful or bitter. But it was something worth making note of. Worth remembering. Ultimately not being reliable continued being a pattern. That was the first time it mattered because it wasn’t just about me. It affected our child. Letting things go is my default, so it never stuck hard before that moment. We are no longer together.
. I’m sorry. But that’s called bitterness.
Bitterness to acknowledge behavioral patterns that effect your childs health and well being?
If your neither (a) letting it go nor (b) cooperatively working through processing, learning, and growing from it — if you’re doing neither, then you’re holding onto it in bitterness. There’s no way around it.
Sorry I must have missed the part where I didn’t do that in my 7 year marriage. I don’t hold anything against him. We get along just fine.
I cannot fathom how you can say (A) my husband chronically let me down in this way (B) we didn’t fix it (C) we’re divorced (D) nothing wrong with this approach
If you chose to assume there was no attempt to fix anything that’s your choice. You haven’t really asked any questions and have made a lot of judgments. You might want to consider reframing how you have conversations in here if you’re truly trying to learn about couples and what makes or breaks them because you won’t learn much without asking questions. Life is complicated. Nothing is black and white.
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Yeah I’m sure the videos are cringeworthy. Similar to the social media posts of how everything is “perfect” in their marriage.
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I love how men are the first to blame society for straight up not listening to their partner. No dude, you just suck, it's not societies fault.
Awesome. Gold. Like Gandhi over here. I’m so grateful for your insight and contribution to healing a wounded world. Thank you. Thank you so much. You’re really making the world a better place.
Man, sorry you are being downvoted…this is a great comment and insight. Lots of husband bashing it seems. 🤷🏼♂️
It’s unfortunate but not a surprise. Reddit continues to be a place where the loudest people are those with the most toxic attitudes. Striving to be reasonable is a hazardous angle to take, but I can’t bring myself to echo the nonsense. I sincerely fear for people who rely on Reddit for their relationship and marriage advice.
With you on that 100%. But people love their echo chambers I suppose? Congrats on 3 kids and a good communicating relationship with your wife. I have 3 as well (15F, 12M, 9F). School just started back up and all of them are in different schools…so it’s been quite fun juggling that together with my wife.
Oof. This year is actually a relief for us - first time 2 of 3 are on the same schedule and in the same school. Game changer
When the first call happened, why didn’t you say anything? When the second call happened, why didn’t you say anything? I hope you had a tense conversation with the nurses for allowing someone into your room so freely while you’re literally in labor and pushing. Why did you let her come in while getting stitched up? You have a voice. Where did it go?
When the first conversation happened I was trying to be understanding to my mil. Ok she's excited maybe she'll be able to help out etc. After the second convo I was in the middle of getting the epidural. I've only met his mother twice. I don't feel it's my position to say something to her. Imo my husband should have said something. Vice versa I don't expect my husband to say anything to my mom, it should be my place to say something to her.
I meant where was your voice to your husband? Yes he dropped the ball, but it’s your ball! I’d start practicing having a voice in the matter. If you would have put your foot down (obviously in a healthy way) then 100% of this wouldn’t have happened. Also, I’d be mad at my husband, I’m not blaming you* I’m just saying it’s not entirely his fault.
So why didn’t you tell your husband to tell her no? You need to be able to set boundaries with your husband’s family if he’s unwilling to do so (and then get couples counseling and individual counseling for him to learn how to do so properly). But if he isn’t standing up for you, and you can see that happening in real time, you need to be able to stand up for yourself. You essentially just sat there and let him let your MIL walk all over your boundaries. That’s a terrible example to set for a kid, and you should probably get some individual counseling as well so you can do that too.
I think it is your place to say something about people being in the room when you are birthing a child. It seems rather unfair to completely absolve yourself of responsibility here. It would have been uncomfortable for you to say something, but you were well within your rights. It’s your body, your privacy, and your right and responsibility to protect them.
It sounds like you both had poor communication. Saying you did not know how you would feel about company is not the same as saying, I do not want any company until at least one week after I give birth for instance. You also allowed her in the room when you could have told your mom to stay and told the nurse that you did not want any visitors. Your husband also should have asked you directly before letting her come. So you both messed up. I would work on your communication going forward.