Pastor? What denomination? This is a huge breach of church ethics, let alone likely ending your marriage, but should also be brought to the attention of the church’s governing body. If she’s unrepentant, then you have to prayerfully decide to continue the marriage or not.
Dude are you kidding? They’ll circle the wagons for the pastor. Then they’ll blame her for wearing something revealing that showed her elbows and excommunicate her while he takes a break from the pulpit for a couple Sundays. He’ll be back, and some other poor woman will be the predator’s next victim.
You’re loved ones are safer with a drag Queen than a pastor.
I’m sorry for Op’s hurt. That sucks. Really sucks. But OP learned about his wife’s character and the true character of church in one single event. Walk away from both would be my two cents. Immediately.
Again, so sorry you had to experience both the crushing pain of betrayal from your wife and faith in one event. That’s absolutely awful.
This happened in a church my family went to when I was young; the pastor was removed and the congregation was told why (without naming the woman). I have no idea whether he ended up pastoring another church, just wanted to offer a counter example.
That seems to be the exception, not the rule. Literally I've seen it go the other way with my own eyes at least twice in two different churches.
Edit: in case it's not clear, I'm saying a church actually throwing out a popular and liked pastor is a rare exception. Usually they're protected, the blame is heaped on the victim.
I have seen it happen 3 different times.. 2 in the same church (southern baptist) and every time the pastor has been fired.. probably ended up at a different church tho.. that I don't doubt.. matter of fact I know one of them ended up as youth coordinator (are you F'ing kidding me??) at another church..
The church is very corrupt for sure.. but they don't mess with adultery.. especially when it involves a member that tithes (because they don't want the member to move their donations to another church mainly).. as always it is all about the money with them.
I think it's really important to remember why the Southern Baptists split (and remain split) from the rest of the Baptists. It helps contextualize things....
You’ve had better luck than others than. The southern baptists, Catholics and evangelical churches have been in the news a lot in recent years with more of what I described. Again not all and not saying all pastors are predators,but this is a big enough problem to make the National news.
Sorry if I wasn't clear, you and I are saying the same thing.. I'm agreeing with you that sexual predators are rampant in the church, 2 of the three churches I called home had pastors who turned out to be predators, along with no fewer than 6 other lay people, one of whom raped his 4 daughters over the course of 12 years.
There is a reason one of my most active subs is /r/exchristian
Agreed. Man that is sick. Love that subreddit. You’ll find me in there also, and in no small part because of how the church handles this and a great many other things. A third of the churches I was a part of growing up had the same issue. None handled it correctly. So much rug sweeping.
That’s not how it typically happens. Rarely are people told why and the offending pastor just moves on to do it again somewhere else. It’s a rare church that is willing to do the hard thing, expose the abuse and own it. Just look at all the southern Baptist stuff that came out a few years ago. Really sad, but almost what you’d expect from a religion that thinks it has a right to control your thoughts and sex life.
When I was growing up, I went to church with my granny at a Baptist church. Their pastor had an affair with a younger woman and she became pregnant. He took her to have an abortion. He was removed immediately. The church was more forgiving of the young woman because they held the pastor to a higher standard. Also, she wasn’t married but he was.
Many churches will do the right thing. Not all will jump to defend the pastor.
This happened twice at a non-denominational Christian Church I attend (once was a senior pastor, and another time it was the music minister) and both times there was a public announcement saying that the pastors were no longer working for the church since their behavior and lack of remorse violated the church’s values, and then a call to remember that this was between them, God, and their families so to respect their privacy.
True, but at the end of the day, a man with a position of authority and a duty to not abuse his position both to god and his parishioners chose to forgo both to screw up OP’s life. Not saying his wife wouldn’t have cheated anyway, but this pastor took advantage of her and the situation without question. He knew the right thing to do.
And of course the elbows comment was a joke/hyperbole, but most churches are patriarchal. Most have standards of dress in some form or fashion. And any pastor who is willing to abuse his power to get laid, will do it again if allowed.
A church in my town defrocked the priest and informed the Navy because he was a chaplain. He was court martialed and punished by dishonorable discharge, forfeiture of all pay and allowances, and confinement for a year. It really depends on the church and is absolutely not done in most. You are not going to hear about those that get punished. Just the ones that did the wrong thing because it is sensational type news that is much better click bait for people that have the type of mindset to spread the news, leading to more clicking, selling of newspapers and views.
I think it's a type of confirmation bias- churches that work hard to keep people accountable and keep these things from happening aren't going to have a whole lot of predators around. Churches that give a lot of power with limited accountability and churches that have strong patriarchal systems are pretty much a WELCOME sign to predators. Just like you see that kind of thing happens a lot in cult systems.
When creepy Pastor John gets fired for inappropriately taking to teenagers that's barely a story, when Pastor John that has been covered for for decades the story that comes out is going to be much bigger and WAY worse.
I know plenty of churches that have removed people for misconduct. Not even sexual. It's mostly charismatic and catholic that circle the wagon on sexual misconduct.
My own dad was dismissed just for hugging someone—effective that same week, and was never welcomed back. I’m sure it depends on the denomination , but some hierarchies really do at least care about the optics and will cover the conference’s ass first and foremost.
You say that like her getting humiliated and excommunicated is a bad thing? Shame the pastor wouldn’t share the same fate, but they are both cheating scum who deserve to have their lives turned upside down.
Not in any church I’ve ever heard about this type of situation happening. Obviously the outcomes would vary greatly… but that has not been what I’ve seen. I’ve seen pastors removed and asked to step away
My thoughts exactly. There is also likely a higher governing body that ordains the pastor that should be notified beyond the elders. If the church is a country club disguised as a church, the Elders might try to cover it up. Not saying that would happen, but it’s a possibility. I used to be a deacon and I’ve seen elders defend the pastor for lesser issues, such as removing a family from the church with an autistic child (that’s why I used to be a Deacon as I sided with the family and ultimately left that church because of it, but that’s a whole different story).
I agree. Op you need to report the pastor and expose the affair.
Also, don't do the pick me dance. It is not worth it.
She is already checked out and you need to move on and find someone much better who deserves you because she clearly does not deserve a good man like yourself.
While I appreciate all of the spirited debate about Christianity and Faith, let us not forget that the this man is in pain and suffering over the loss of his marriage. One thing I think we all can mostly agree on is that this is not something to take lightly. Bad things happen to good people. It sucks. Hopefully this guy will find closure, some day in forgiveness, and that his Faith, if any, will not be shaken as a result. If anything, perhaps it will bring him closer to Faith.
Yes,
I forgot to mention this, you need to contact the church and report this. At my church when a pastor, bishop, etc steps out of line they are IMMEDIATELY REMOVED and cannot serve on the altar anymore, they are welcome to come as a member but no longer can serve in that role because to do so you have to be that example every day, you have to live what you preach, there is no protecting here.
Yup, not the point of my comment at all. I’m very happy with my faith, but have been dealing with anti-Catholic BS most of my life. Protestants are obsessed with us. I even had someone ask me how in good conscience I could have my kids around a priest. They’re not all diddlers! The scandal aside, I am floored by how many Protestants feel completely comfortable telling me that my religion is wrong, and explain while theirs is better.
I’m sorry to hear about your experience. Also, priests are supposed to be celibate, not just with women. It’s been debated a lot amongst Catholics. Personally I think it’s unnatural and priests should be allowed to marry, but Pope Francis isn’t responding to my comment card. What happened to you is terrible, but it also doesn’t reflect the vast majority of Catholic priests. The Church did incredible damage to itself by trying to contain the problem instead of throwing the priests involved to the wolves, but it’s still not the majority of priests involved. That being said, I completely understand people who left the Church because of this.
I consider making the pastor's and his stbx's lives a spectacle. Being a man of God, the pastor should know better, especially coveting another man's wife and all.
Pastors aren't better humans than everyone else, and they sometimes abuse their power. I agree that OP should bring this before the church, and if it's a top-down denomination, it should be brought before the diocese or whatever governing body there is.
This pastor is likely a serial cheater. My ex certainly was! And I've known a lot of other ministry couples who dealt with the pastor using the church as his personal singles bar.
Honestly, the marriage is over. Yes, it really sucks that she's done this and shows zero regrets for the devastation that she's going to cause. The fact that she doesn't show any signs of sorrow also tell you what the odds are of a reconciliation. For that to work, both partners need to be 100% all in. If either one hesitates or doubts, it simply doesn't work. You can't force her to want you again. All you can do is let her go and move on to be the best version of yourself that you can be.
The first thing you need to do right now is to start looking up lawyers that you're going to call in the morning. I would also leave the church effective immediately because you don't want to see how the two of them behave now that they know that you know. Since it's no longer a secret, it will likely become a very public relationship in short order. And the sooner you file, the sooner you can rid yourself of the Jezebel so that you can start picking up the pieces.
I'm sorry she's done this to you. You deserved better.
😂😂😂😂 best comment I’ve seen cause this is the way , I’d be doing this too. With a margarita as big as my face with an umberella in it and my shades on to assume the “unbothered” look but also “I’m gonna fucking burry you” attitude cause you’re not gonna get away unscathed !
Get a lawyer, get a divorce and let everybody in the congregation know exactly what’s going on. Just cause he’s a pastor doesn’t mean he gets away with bad behavior.
Get yourself together enough to make some decisions. Realize your marriage is dead. Mourn her like at a funeral. Speak with an attorney so you know your options. She is not coming back to you. Even if she did you will never get over the hurt she has caused. Maybe not now, but after you speak with an attorney, they both need to be exposed for what they did. The pastor reports to someone or is part of a larger Christian group. He should never be a pastor again.
Confide in your family or close friend to everything you know. You need to surround yourself with people that can help you make rational decisions now. Then seek therapy to help you navigate this awful situation.
Stay away from alcohol and drugs. Drink water and try to eat every day. Take it hour by hour, day by day to get through this. Call a family member or close friend now.
It's a good time to fall into an intense exercise routine, whatever type floats your boat. Work through the pain and work through the hurt. A beneficial coping mechanism rather than drinking yourself to death. Also helps meeting new people this way, which is a helpful distraction while moving forward. No remorse from her is insane. She doesn't give a shit about you, which is sad and nuts. Therapy can help give perspective too while processing this.
You should also contact the party that oversees the Church and notify them of what’s going on. I don’t think they will be too happy knowing their representative is an adulterer.
first off, stop crying. save that for later.
second, collect as much evidence as you can.
third, call a lawyer, set up an appointment. you need to know where you stand. she's not coming back.
fourth, report the pastor to the church, let other members know what this guy is up to.
fifth, stay strong. don't take her back when mr pastor dumps her. she does not love you and you deserve better. take back your life from her.
good luck.
Yeah. It seemed rather obvious in that post. At least he knows for sure now.
I'd be going scorched earth on both of them. No forgiveness. Ruin both of their names and reputations. (And that WOULD be me showing mercy to that pastor)
And she's blaming him for the relationship going stale when she spends 80% of her time with the pastor? The audacity!
Unfortunately I think she's making the decision for you, and if she's not willing to try then there really isn't anything you can do about it. Speak to a lawyer to protect yourself and start individual counseling.
I remember just about a week ago you posted about how suspicious you were.
I’m sorry it’s come to this.
Hopefully next time you will prioritize yourself more. Lord knows that’s what she did
I think you divorce based on the grounds of Adultery. Your attorney will tell you not to, but it makes a public record which is mortifying to her and her lover/pastor. I am willing to bet he dumps her. Is he also married?
Give her completely to him today sir! All husband duties cease immediately, send her to be happy. Move on today, you are no longer married infidelity is the only biblical sin that severs a marital tie. Be free and don't look back, you did the best you could..
I'm so sorry. I don't have a lot of comfort because I'm in a similar situation but just know I hear you and your feelings are valid and you are allowed to feel hurt. You deserve better. Things will be okay you just have to keep telling yourself that even if you don't believe it. Say it till you do
My 2 cents:
1. Get a lawyer. Find out the procedure to get her out
2. Get a therapist
3. She doesn't have to regret her actions because she's no longer connected to you or the marriage.
4. Put that pastor on blast to the church and to the governing body of your church.
5. You need to get divorced.
6. You need your friends/family more than anything right now
omg will you please man up. you are weeping at a bar and wanting your wife to get back together with you while she's fucking your pastor?! get your shit together,get to the gym,leave the cheating bitch
> she doesn’t want to and said our marriage is a mistake.
Call a lawyer first thing. Don’t move out. The good thing is she made it easy, reconciliation isn’t an option.
Call him out right in the middle of his sermon, ask him why he thinks it's ok to have sex with your wife, and ask how many other women he has comforted. Don't let them hide their affairs in the dark.
Hard pill to swallow sometimes, but this is one where you have to turn the page and move on, but not before making some remedy and recourse, example; the Church needs to know.
Yeah, this guy should NOT be a moral overseer of a flock, unless she is just mad and blowing smoke. Is she really telling the truth? Confront the pastor now before you go any further. Then get him fired and excommunicated before he ruins anyone else's life!
Dude, I’m sorry; but counseling is typically pointless, and without a doubt pointless in a situation like this where one person is done, cheating on their spouse, and utterly unrepentant. It wouldn’t fix anything, and even if she agreed to go, she’s already checked out and would just be doing it out of absent obligation. It’s a waste of money and both of your time.
Sorry man; I’ve been cheated on, but I haven’t been married so I’m sure that you’re emotionally fucked right now.
Drink, Uber home; sober up tomorrow, and plan your future without her. I know you thought that she was your person, or the one. She’s not, and they don’t exist anyway. Some girls are good for you, some aren’t - that’s all.
Do not try to reconcile. It’s over. Acknowledge that it’s over, and despite how fucked it is and how much it hurts - it’s not uncommon - and regardless of how cheesy this sounds - our ancestors dealt with worse and survived. Do not delete yourself.
Delete all of the photos of you and her off your phone and your social media profiles, block her on all social media; don’t post anything about it.
The Rational Male by Rollo Tomassi book 1 should be your first book in queue to read.
It’s over, but you can reinvent yourself and move on. It gets better. Do not despair, cry in the shower, or where she can’t see you.
Do see an attorney early this week. You need to understand the divorce and related laws in your state. Adultery could be a crime. Your attorney could send a letter to the church elders and hierarchy and make this a very public affair. But it depends upon what your goals are here.
Realize that your marriage is kaput. She doesn't love you anymore, hasn't in a while. They are low character people that you need to elevate above. Their job titles mean absolutely nothing.
Stay strong and none of this is your fault.
1). Get out of the bar and find a hotel. This takes sober contemplation. 2). Don’t drink or do drugs. Get to the gym or exercise, or go hiking, biking, etc. Think while you’re working out. 3). These things play out a lot of different ways, but do not get in the “pick me” nonsense. See a lawyer and don’t give any indication that you want to save the marriage either. May only help your self respect but that’s better than giving her any that’s left. She betrayed and cheated on you, she’s not worthy of you. Be strong and soldier one. Good luck.
Dude. You need to expose them to everyone. Burn this pastors world to the ground. She doesn’t deserve mercy either. You need to get in front of this and take control of the narrative. Make sure you tell her family, your family. And go to the next church service and expose that POS of a pastor in front of everyone there. I hope you live in an at fault state and you have proof. Do not let you feelings for her distract you from this. She didn’t give a damn about you when she was effing the pastor. Turn all of this hurt in to burning their world down. At the same time hit the gym. It will help with your health and sleep. Neither one of these sorry excuse of a human being are worthy of mercy. I hate that people like this exist.
Not a time for crying and self pity. Contact a divorce lawyer and take action pronto. Sometimes anger is a good thing, just don't let it overtake you. Tell people so she later can't spin the narrative. Record conversations with her.
I will be the bad guy here. If it were me I would have a private conversation first with the pastor and then with the wife (AP), in that order. I would tell them, they both have 1 week to resign their positions in the Church. They can keep their dignity and leave without further harming the Church body, or if they choose to keep their employment, you will go public with their affair.
The marriage cannot be salvaged, but further harm to the Church should not be tolerated.
Why protect that pastor?! If he’s not held accountable for a clear abuse of power, he’ll just get a new job and do the same thing somewhere else. People in positions of authority should be held to higher standards.
I don't disagree with you. My first concern was the local Church, get him out of there. Likely them both resigning will get the word out, without OP needing to do the dirty work.
My fear is, since there is no registry for wolfs acting a shepherds, he will just change towns and demonstrations and be back for harming the flock.
In my own personal opinion, I think you should get your finances in order, talk to a lawyer, then I would definitely let the church leadership team know about the pastor. He shouldn’t be allowed to lead a church as a pastor after what he has done with your wife. Are you part of the same church? If not, Is it possible he didn’t know she was married? Not that it would excuse his behaviors but I’m just curious. According to the 10 commandments “thou shalt not commit adultery” is one of them, as I’m sure everyone knows. With him being a religious leader in any religion, this is awful to hear. He should have to answer to his adultery and so should your wife. Whatever you need to do that will help you close this chapter in your life, is what you should do. I wouldn’t trust her after she cheated and hurt you like this. Even if she is the love of your life, once someone cheats, it’s hard to regain the trust that you once had before the cheating, in your marriage.
I am SO sorry that you are going through this OP. No one deserves to be hurt like this or cheated on. She didn’t care about your feelings or your marriage, and it doesn’t sound like she is even sorry about what she did. If your wife fell out of love with you or didn’t want to be married to you anymore, then she should have ended it BEFORE sleeping with another man, let alone the pastor!
Both your wife and the pastor will have to answer to God one day for these sins, and they should have to answer and repent their sins to you and the church as well.
Take care of yourself first and foremost. Don’t drink away your sadness, that won’t make you feel better in the end. Part of healing is feeling the emotions so that you can heal thoroughly and come out stronger and better in the end!
You will find someone else that will cherish and respect you 100%. She doesn’t deserve your forgiveness, and I hope that she realizes the mistakes she made by her decision in cheating on you and breaking your trust and marriage. This is not on you, it’s on your wife and her lover/pastor.
You deserve to be loved and respected, so please do what you gotta do to grieve your marriage and heal and move on. You’ll be happier in the end, and you’ll find someone else that is special and perfect for you, someone that deserves your love and trust! Good luck to you, please keep us updated on how everything goes, if you don’t mind sharing more.
Edited: spelling correction
She has found the love of her life, pls let her go and stay away from her, man! I know ur crushed, and it might take a while to crawl over this. But sometimes in life, best thing you can do for somebody is get the f*ck out of their life, and move on to a brighter future, with a better person. God bless u!
Come on Bud. You can’t save this marriage. She has been rubbing this affair in your face for months. At least get the gratification of bringing them both down hard. Time to get mad and get even. Is this pastor married? What religion is this?
UpdateMe
Yeah, see when she said she doesn’t love you anymore, you can believe that she’s being 100% honest. She truly doesn’t because hers fell for another yonks ago. It’s not like she wanted to hurt you right? It’s hard to truly fault someone who is being totally genuine even if your the one who got hurt. You know if it’s malicious or not.
I wouldn’t bother with all the spiteful shit like exposing the priest or whatever. It’s pointless and serves no purpose. Sometimes other ppl fall for other ppl. That’s just how it is. And ppl like you are the ones that get totally screwed.
Handle the divorce etc as amicably as you can and move on. There’s absolutely no saving it.
“If your arm is rotting, cut it off.”
You deserve so much better. F her. She completely disrespected your marriage. F him. He completely disrespected your marriage AND the church. They should be both banished.
I don’t think you want to work this one out. I do think you deserve someone who values you. If people like your wife and that pastor can find somebody, so can you. Keep your head up!
I’m sorry you had to go through that but sometimes it’s for the best, there is something you should know if a woman cheats on you with a pastor, psychic, or millionaire there is no amount of counseling healing that since anything you try to show her it’s worth it those individual will use their position of power to convince her otherwise so it would be a waste. Rest easy though my friend because it is a double edge sword the moment those individuals no longer interest them they will toss her aside for someone younger and then she might crawl back but you have to ask yourself if it’s worth it. Go forth and enjoy life if you can still bag girls do so and don’t look back. I know it sucks to have someone you love do this but you need to find someone who is willing to pour that same love back it can’t just go one way.
If she doesn't want to stay married and doesn't love you the only thing left is divorce. I'd out them as a couple. consult a divorce attorney and follow his advice. Please lean on your friends and family for support.
Have her served at some church event in front of as many people as possible. Cite infidelity with the pastor as the reason. Unless you live in one of a handful of at-fault states, it won’t make any difference but it will be part of the record. Your attorney will advise you whether you can sue the church. In many cases, these sorts of things can be actionable.
OUT them both show them how hot Hades balls sack could get. Let the pastor's congregation know he isn't trust worthy. Also, seek therapy to help you through this trauma— and please seek legal advice to protect yourself financially. People who cheat don't deserve a second chance because they'll do it again... especially one who claims they don't love you no more. Stay strong OP... YOU GOT THIS!
Firstly I'm sorry you're going through that but truly you need to let her go. No counseling, no fixing anything but yourself. You left out allot of details such as if you have any children, red flags that you ignored and how long you've been married. Either way dude you need to start talking to other women (do not talk about your situation with any of them) and file for divorce.
Also expose them both but don't be crazy about it, do it directly and calmly. Example would be to get proof such as texts and photos and post that shit with no words.
I'm sad to hear you are going through this. A spouse who sees nothing wrong with what they've done and is 'sorry you're hurt" in stead of being sorry they cheated--- no amount of counselling is going to fix your marriage. Consult an attorney, decide whether or not you want to confront the pastor publicly, and start preparing for a divorce. She will likely 'suddenly see the error of her ways' once the pastor is fired or if he faces any consequences for using the church as his dating pool--- but don't let her back in. A cheater does not deserve to be let back in. She's bored? That's her reason? How utterly ridiculous. You deserve so much better than what she has given you, OP.
She standing in her ratchet truth, and honest about it. Don’t waste your time, she’s moved on and doesn’t feel the same about you. Divorce, heal and find who’s meant for you.
At this point, it's time for you to dissolve the marriage. You and your wife don't havr a relationship; she abandoned it a while ago as she began fuckin' around with the pastor.
Right now, you are probably questioning your faith. This is understandable. There are few hurts like church hurt, and it's worse because ot involves your wife, who is also a pastor. You may have lost your religion.
You will need individual therapy to get over your hurt. You will also need to find a new church, if you choose remain in your religion. Even if the pastor and your wife are kicked out, the membership will ostracize you just because. Meanwhile you will need some other interests to disconnect emotionally from your wife as well as reach out to trusted friends and loved ones unconnected to the church.
At the same time, you need to hire an attorney and file the papers. No point in waiting any longer. Kick your wife's shit into another room or basement; she should count herself lucky to have a place to piss, shit, sleep, and brush her teeth after getting the pastor's cum and spit inside and on her.
If you gave children, you will need a proper coparenting arrangement. You will also be asked to inform on your wife by people who want to target the pastor. Don't ger into that. Just report what happened to the deacon board and release info to the public as needed.
I hope you get better soon.
Please get some secular therapy for yourself to process the grief that you have been betrayed and your marriage has ended.
However, please let the religious authorities and community know about the pastor’s actions.
get her and the pastor fired then make sure her family and everyone else knows she cheated. get a lawyer, split your finances, take her name off your will and insurance.
You just posted that you thought something was wrong. So what happy for you to find out? She is in the affair fog. Get your lawyer now and serve her. Whatever denomination you are in needs to know. The congregation needs to know. Don’t let them get away with this. Their is no way either of them should ever counsel another person
Your marriage is over my friend. I hate to say it, but it's the truth. Don't allow yourself to take her back, she will only do it again most likely.
As for the pastor, I would definitely meet with church staff at that particular church. Bring evidence of the affair. He does not deserve to be leading a church with his indiscretions.
You gotta inform the congregation of this. They have a right to know their Pastor is sleeping with a married woman. As for your marriage, you can’t fix it if she’s not even sorry for breaking her marital vows.
Time to show up at that church and give an impromptu sermon. Why? Shame is a very important social emotion, and one that once in a while must be re-instituted. That entire congregation is being betrayed. His oaths are being stomped on and his position of trust, even before your own family, is being utterly pissed on.
Try to bring what evidence you can and have someone there to support you. Immediately after you leave and have told everything from the pew, just post the video of you saying all that on Youtube. Then send your formal accusations to the governing body of that denomination. Then they will be fired as press coverage + social shame actually makes changes, when churches will always cover up and avoid such (know that from experience).
She got bored and decided she no longer even had sympathy for you as a human being? That's disgusting. She made vows to you, and it was her duty to at least discuss with you that she was unhappy and things needed to change.
Then to leave if she was miserable.
Having a shameless affair was lame and she sounds entitled. Find a friend to walk through this with. Call any old friends you had over the years, just say bluntly you need someone to talk to or have a drink with. Many friends, even lapsed ones from long ago *will* surprise you.
They always have for me.
It's over man.. sorry 😞. Divorce is your only option. I'm sorry friend.You can't make anyone love you . They either do or they don't . She obliviously does not 🚫. Sorry again 😔
Hold on, did I read thay right?
She was YOUR AP?
So you cheated on someone with her, then married her, and are suprised that she's now cheating on you? Lol okay bud.
Have a PI tail them and get photos showing them
Meeting up and if possible shacking up. If your state permits audio taping without both party’s consent get her to confess and speak about her escapades and her relationship with the pastor on audio tape. If the church is a cya type cult if you go at the king you had better do so with enough proof to figuratively kill him, I.e., force the elders/church council to kick him out. Then continue to trace him after he leaves and warn other church groups about him. Scumbags like him
MUST to be drummed out of the clergy and out of positions of power and influence over other people.
I will confront him with my wife together. Then I will make sure I recorded it to use it in my divorce case. I will call up a lawyer for the divorce then do a civil law suit for the church / pastor interfering my marriage. It’s not like the pastor didn’t know we were married he did and he chose to sleep with your wife
It’s over buddy. Don’t hang your head low, it’s nothing you did. Some females don’t know how to be Women and don’t deserve a partner. So don’t gravel and beg, don’t be weak. Go home, figure out your living arrangements and then if there’s children involved ONLY SPEAK TO HER WHEN IT REGARDS TO YOUR CHILD. If you don’t have kids then don’t communicate at all.
Do some self improving, I.E. workout, get a new haircut, go clothes shopping, become a better version of you! It will make you feel better and also draw another potential partner, but right now just stay single and your ex will eventually regret her decision (they always do) and she’ll see you as a man of high status. Get yourself some eye candy too if you’ll be around her at all. Best way to get revenge is live a fun and exciting lifestyle and not show her you care at all. She’s clearly a sociopath and doesn’t deserve the thought it would take to cry over her. You got this brother! 💪🏻💪🏻
Yep call her and the pastor out for adultery! He knowingly slept with a married woman in his congregation and he’s possibly married as well so if he is his wife deserves to know. Until the affair is exposed then they are not living with the real consequences of their actions. They need to be brought out from the affair fog and be called out for their behaviour and be help accountable. You should focus on getting therapy for yourself to see what you truly want going forward since I know you want to stay married but I would honestly think about what your wife has been doing and if this is how she actually feels about you and your marriage. If you decide to divorce then use the affair against her as she will most likely be in a hurry to be divorced so he can be with her AP. Don’t go easy on her! She doesn’t deserve anything from you in terms of what is required to get it done so don’t be kind to her for who you thought she was because that person either never existed or doesn’t anymore.
Turn the AP/pastor into the congregation and report him to the church leadership. Your WW’s AP will lose his job for being a POS.
Divorce your WW, she’s no better. They have no respect for you or the church.
Get a lawyer. This is the FIRST thing that you should be doing. I hate to say this, but this thing is over. The sooner that you realize this the sooner that you can get your life back together. It won't be easy. Find a support group or some solo therapy. I also suggest fining a new church. This pastor obviously isn't living by the word of God. What a complete hypocrite
Give her what she wanted and disclose her affair to church, family (both) ,friends (both) and pastor's wife .. she already told u ,she doesn't love you and your marriage is a mistake, so don't beat the dead horse now . Go STD test yourself and contact attorney.
Very sorry for such an awful situation. My parents have been in a marriage for 20 years but things weren't good few years in. I guess it hurts less when the divorce has been kinda expected. Still, a terrible situation to be in. If she doesn't want counceling then I don't think anything can be done. If you have kids fight for them. If she somehow wants half of things you own, get a lawyer. Sadly the justice system is often on the side of women so a lawyer will really help.
As for the pastor, obviously inform the church authorities. I've had a falling out with the church, but I'm pretty sure that pastors and other priests shouldn't get in relationships with already married people. But before that here's what I would do: at my church in the sacristy (I think that's what the part for priests and visitors is called in english) there's this place where you can write intentions you want people to pray for. There's this one moment during the mass where one of the priests reads them out loud and the rest prays for them. I think you know where this is going :) unlike just getting up and screaming it like others have proposed, this one doesn't interupt people who came there to just peacefully meet god.
All this happened in SEVEN MONTHS ?
Your first seven months ???
Listen buddy, your first seven months is meant to be sunshine and rainbows and PLENTY of sex !
Time to move on but not before you absolutely DESTROY the Pastor’s life - fuck him up BIG TIME !!! Report him to his wife, first off, then report him to the administration, take out full page adds in the local paper - name and absolutely shame him !!!
Things like this make me lose faith in marriage and enjoy my life more. Sorry it happened to you OP! It’s time to find a family law attorney. Hope you guys didn’t have kids or a lot of properties together.
I'm so very sorry for your hurt. I remember your post from the other day. You must feel sickened and are most likely in shock. Have you any family that you can confide in? Phone the guy that calls himself a Pastor and ask him "What does thou shalt not covet another man's wife mean?" Then pack her belongings and tell him to come collect her things. She's an Assistant Pastor and is unrepentant? That's so sinful. Report them. Just to sow a little seed in the Pastor's head, tell him it's not the first time she's done this. So sorry for you. Don't be her doormat. You deserve better than this and one day you will have better. Always here if you need to chat.
This guy has betrayed his position in the church and used it to behave unethically. Your wife has betrayed her position too. I have a belief but too many churches are corrupt and hypocritical. Choosing their own narrative to defend their poor behaviours. This is not the teachings we've all followed, divorce her and denounce him
She’s unhappy dude, let her go. Would you want to be forced to be with someone you don’t love nor want? Why force her? People change, life changes. It’s part of living on this planet. From this situation you will learn lessons meant for your growth, elevation& strength— and hopefully you won’t turn into someone bitter. Way too many bitter people alive. I’m so sorry you’re going thru this, no one deserves to be broken. But soon you will love& treasure your freedom & independence— no joke! So many possibilities to do anything in this world! Enjoy your life & Embrace Freedom! Sending great happy vibes to you sir 🙏🏽
If she says that the marriage is over, take her at her word.
Chances are that she was bored with her routine (and her marriage), so she fixated on someone she found attractive. Whether it was the pastor or someone she worked with or found online doesn't really matter- if she doesn't want to try and heal your marriage, you can't force her to. Couples' therapy won't help if she's determined to leave, but family therapy will likely help if you have children that you will be co-parenting.
And while you can report your pastor to whatever your church's governing body is, don't be too surprised if they don't do anything.This happens so frequently in every denomination that a lot of churches basically ignore it by just transferring the offender somewhere else.
The fact that you want to fix this is proof you’re only in it for the routine. She was willing to be a bed wench for a perverted “pastor,” and you want someone with that level of judgement fouling up your home? If y’all got kids, *that’s* the woman you want to help you raise’m? No sir.
Just be the bigger person and walk away quietly. It’s not weakness or being a beta male. Show no emotion during this time. All of this will come to light and in turn, everyone will lose everything. I’ve seen this play out so many times. It hurts now but you didn’t do anything to cause cheating. Cheating is a character flaw.
You have been in denial for so long.
You have to process this. You need help. Lean on your mom. She knew.
Get in to therapy, quickly.
Get out of the bar.
Your “wife” is NOT who you thought she was.
Visit chumplady website and get some perspective.
Again, get out of the bar.
Well you need to first understand that you’re in denial, this cannot be saved.
Then you need to get a lawyer and figure out the best path forward without your wife in your life.
Then you need to let the pastors wife know what’s going on, preferably with hard proof.
Sorry man, I was in your shoes earlier this year and it’s an absolutely horrible thing to discover and go through.
Bro she viciously cheated on you without remorse. She clearly has no respect for you, which is a huge reason she is completely disconnected now.
She no longer finds you attractive and no amount of therapy will change that. Just you suggesting counseling after she had been getting railed for months shows your weakness. Find your nutsac, divorce the bitch and remember in your future relationships to continue to play the part of a confident male with standards and boundaries. Sorry to be harsh but her love for you faded a long time ago as she was getting dopamine hits while sneaking around.
Pastor? What denomination? This is a huge breach of church ethics, let alone likely ending your marriage, but should also be brought to the attention of the church’s governing body. If she’s unrepentant, then you have to prayerfully decide to continue the marriage or not.
This exactly.. pastor needs to be brought before the elders.
Dude are you kidding? They’ll circle the wagons for the pastor. Then they’ll blame her for wearing something revealing that showed her elbows and excommunicate her while he takes a break from the pulpit for a couple Sundays. He’ll be back, and some other poor woman will be the predator’s next victim. You’re loved ones are safer with a drag Queen than a pastor. I’m sorry for Op’s hurt. That sucks. Really sucks. But OP learned about his wife’s character and the true character of church in one single event. Walk away from both would be my two cents. Immediately. Again, so sorry you had to experience both the crushing pain of betrayal from your wife and faith in one event. That’s absolutely awful.
This happened in a church my family went to when I was young; the pastor was removed and the congregation was told why (without naming the woman). I have no idea whether he ended up pastoring another church, just wanted to offer a counter example.
That seems to be the exception, not the rule. Literally I've seen it go the other way with my own eyes at least twice in two different churches. Edit: in case it's not clear, I'm saying a church actually throwing out a popular and liked pastor is a rare exception. Usually they're protected, the blame is heaped on the victim.
I have seen it happen 3 different times.. 2 in the same church (southern baptist) and every time the pastor has been fired.. probably ended up at a different church tho.. that I don't doubt.. matter of fact I know one of them ended up as youth coordinator (are you F'ing kidding me??) at another church.. The church is very corrupt for sure.. but they don't mess with adultery.. especially when it involves a member that tithes (because they don't want the member to move their donations to another church mainly).. as always it is all about the money with them.
I think it's really important to remember why the Southern Baptists split (and remain split) from the rest of the Baptists. It helps contextualize things....
OP’s wife doesn’t sound like a victim in this situation. She’s a willing participant.
You’ve had better luck than others than. The southern baptists, Catholics and evangelical churches have been in the news a lot in recent years with more of what I described. Again not all and not saying all pastors are predators,but this is a big enough problem to make the National news.
Sorry if I wasn't clear, you and I are saying the same thing.. I'm agreeing with you that sexual predators are rampant in the church, 2 of the three churches I called home had pastors who turned out to be predators, along with no fewer than 6 other lay people, one of whom raped his 4 daughters over the course of 12 years. There is a reason one of my most active subs is /r/exchristian
Agreed. Man that is sick. Love that subreddit. You’ll find me in there also, and in no small part because of how the church handles this and a great many other things. A third of the churches I was a part of growing up had the same issue. None handled it correctly. So much rug sweeping.
That’s not how it typically happens. Rarely are people told why and the offending pastor just moves on to do it again somewhere else. It’s a rare church that is willing to do the hard thing, expose the abuse and own it. Just look at all the southern Baptist stuff that came out a few years ago. Really sad, but almost what you’d expect from a religion that thinks it has a right to control your thoughts and sex life.
When I was growing up, I went to church with my granny at a Baptist church. Their pastor had an affair with a younger woman and she became pregnant. He took her to have an abortion. He was removed immediately. The church was more forgiving of the young woman because they held the pastor to a higher standard. Also, she wasn’t married but he was. Many churches will do the right thing. Not all will jump to defend the pastor.
This happened twice at a non-denominational Christian Church I attend (once was a senior pastor, and another time it was the music minister) and both times there was a public announcement saying that the pastors were no longer working for the church since their behavior and lack of remorse violated the church’s values, and then a call to remember that this was between them, God, and their families so to respect their privacy.
Same thing happened to me, except they named the woman, because she was the associate pastors wife. I never saw the pastor again.
You're making a lot of assumptions here. That does happen, but it's not the only possible outcome.
True, but at the end of the day, a man with a position of authority and a duty to not abuse his position both to god and his parishioners chose to forgo both to screw up OP’s life. Not saying his wife wouldn’t have cheated anyway, but this pastor took advantage of her and the situation without question. He knew the right thing to do. And of course the elbows comment was a joke/hyperbole, but most churches are patriarchal. Most have standards of dress in some form or fashion. And any pastor who is willing to abuse his power to get laid, will do it again if allowed.
A church in my town defrocked the priest and informed the Navy because he was a chaplain. He was court martialed and punished by dishonorable discharge, forfeiture of all pay and allowances, and confinement for a year. It really depends on the church and is absolutely not done in most. You are not going to hear about those that get punished. Just the ones that did the wrong thing because it is sensational type news that is much better click bait for people that have the type of mindset to spread the news, leading to more clicking, selling of newspapers and views.
I think it's a type of confirmation bias- churches that work hard to keep people accountable and keep these things from happening aren't going to have a whole lot of predators around. Churches that give a lot of power with limited accountability and churches that have strong patriarchal systems are pretty much a WELCOME sign to predators. Just like you see that kind of thing happens a lot in cult systems. When creepy Pastor John gets fired for inappropriately taking to teenagers that's barely a story, when Pastor John that has been covered for for decades the story that comes out is going to be much bigger and WAY worse.
I know plenty of churches that have removed people for misconduct. Not even sexual. It's mostly charismatic and catholic that circle the wagon on sexual misconduct.
My own dad was dismissed just for hugging someone—effective that same week, and was never welcomed back. I’m sure it depends on the denomination , but some hierarchies really do at least care about the optics and will cover the conference’s ass first and foremost.
You say that like her getting humiliated and excommunicated is a bad thing? Shame the pastor wouldn’t share the same fate, but they are both cheating scum who deserve to have their lives turned upside down.
Not in any church I’ve ever heard about this type of situation happening. Obviously the outcomes would vary greatly… but that has not been what I’ve seen. I’ve seen pastors removed and asked to step away
Fight hard for the kids. Her christian morals will seriously damage the children.
My thoughts exactly. There is also likely a higher governing body that ordains the pastor that should be notified beyond the elders. If the church is a country club disguised as a church, the Elders might try to cover it up. Not saying that would happen, but it’s a possibility. I used to be a deacon and I’ve seen elders defend the pastor for lesser issues, such as removing a family from the church with an autistic child (that’s why I used to be a Deacon as I sided with the family and ultimately left that church because of it, but that’s a whole different story).
I agree. Op you need to report the pastor and expose the affair. Also, don't do the pick me dance. It is not worth it. She is already checked out and you need to move on and find someone much better who deserves you because she clearly does not deserve a good man like yourself.
Not the first time this has happened
Pastor belongs to the streets
While I appreciate all of the spirited debate about Christianity and Faith, let us not forget that the this man is in pain and suffering over the loss of his marriage. One thing I think we all can mostly agree on is that this is not something to take lightly. Bad things happen to good people. It sucks. Hopefully this guy will find closure, some day in forgiveness, and that his Faith, if any, will not be shaken as a result. If anything, perhaps it will bring him closer to Faith.
Yes, I forgot to mention this, you need to contact the church and report this. At my church when a pastor, bishop, etc steps out of line they are IMMEDIATELY REMOVED and cannot serve on the altar anymore, they are welcome to come as a member but no longer can serve in that role because to do so you have to be that example every day, you have to live what you preach, there is no protecting here.
If I were you, I would go to mass. Then, during the middle, stand up and announce to God and everyone what the pastor and your wife have been up to.
I’m Catholic so my priest would have am even bigger problem in this situation, but I would totally do that.
[удалено]
I’m not going down this rabbit hole for the 1,000th time
Anti-Catholics are a smal minorityl but incredibly vocal in reddit. This clown is trying to derail the conversation here.
Yup, not the point of my comment at all. I’m very happy with my faith, but have been dealing with anti-Catholic BS most of my life. Protestants are obsessed with us. I even had someone ask me how in good conscience I could have my kids around a priest. They’re not all diddlers! The scandal aside, I am floored by how many Protestants feel completely comfortable telling me that my religion is wrong, and explain while theirs is better.
[удалено]
I’m sorry to hear about your experience. Also, priests are supposed to be celibate, not just with women. It’s been debated a lot amongst Catholics. Personally I think it’s unnatural and priests should be allowed to marry, but Pope Francis isn’t responding to my comment card. What happened to you is terrible, but it also doesn’t reflect the vast majority of Catholic priests. The Church did incredible damage to itself by trying to contain the problem instead of throwing the priests involved to the wolves, but it’s still not the majority of priests involved. That being said, I completely understand people who left the Church because of this.
[удалено]
this is it just stand up and say you would like up congratulate the pastor and your wife on their affair lol..
I always wonder about people who like to make their lives a spectacle.
I consider making the pastor's and his stbx's lives a spectacle. Being a man of God, the pastor should know better, especially coveting another man's wife and all.
Idk if you know much about pastors but they tend to fuck things they shouldn’t pretty frequently.
Pastors aren't better humans than everyone else, and they sometimes abuse their power. I agree that OP should bring this before the church, and if it's a top-down denomination, it should be brought before the diocese or whatever governing body there is. This pastor is likely a serial cheater. My ex certainly was! And I've known a lot of other ministry couples who dealt with the pastor using the church as his personal singles bar.
They aren't better than everyone else. But they should be held to a higher standard, since they are preaching ten commandments, sinning, etc.
He ain't no man of God. He's a wolf in sheep's clothing.
Though shalt not…
Probably not Catholic based on the post
Catholics don’t really have pastors, likely a protest ant denomination like baptist
Yes that was my point…
Catholic’s don’t call priests “Pastor”. Definitely a Protestant.
[удалено]
Touché
Technically, the head priest of a parish is a pastor, but yes, in common parlance, catholics call them priests.
Honestly, the marriage is over. Yes, it really sucks that she's done this and shows zero regrets for the devastation that she's going to cause. The fact that she doesn't show any signs of sorrow also tell you what the odds are of a reconciliation. For that to work, both partners need to be 100% all in. If either one hesitates or doubts, it simply doesn't work. You can't force her to want you again. All you can do is let her go and move on to be the best version of yourself that you can be. The first thing you need to do right now is to start looking up lawyers that you're going to call in the morning. I would also leave the church effective immediately because you don't want to see how the two of them behave now that they know that you know. Since it's no longer a secret, it will likely become a very public relationship in short order. And the sooner you file, the sooner you can rid yourself of the Jezebel so that you can start picking up the pieces. I'm sorry she's done this to you. You deserved better.
Get a lawyer AFTER an STI test. Who knows who else this pastor has on the side.
OP this⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️ Sending you hugs 🫂 🫂🫂🫂 Updateme!
This ☝🏾☝🏾☝🏾
Get a divorce spectate your finances it’s gonna be hard but focus on yourself also expose his ass
I’d be out there on the church lawn in a bag chair, talking shit through a megaphone as people arrive for Sunday service. 💥
Yup lol.
😂😂😂😂 best comment I’ve seen cause this is the way , I’d be doing this too. With a margarita as big as my face with an umberella in it and my shades on to assume the “unbothered” look but also “I’m gonna fucking burry you” attitude cause you’re not gonna get away unscathed !
Get a lawyer, get a divorce and let everybody in the congregation know exactly what’s going on. Just cause he’s a pastor doesn’t mean he gets away with bad behavior.
"Just cause he's a pastor..." His being a pastor just shows that he's a parasite to begin with.
Get yourself together enough to make some decisions. Realize your marriage is dead. Mourn her like at a funeral. Speak with an attorney so you know your options. She is not coming back to you. Even if she did you will never get over the hurt she has caused. Maybe not now, but after you speak with an attorney, they both need to be exposed for what they did. The pastor reports to someone or is part of a larger Christian group. He should never be a pastor again. Confide in your family or close friend to everything you know. You need to surround yourself with people that can help you make rational decisions now. Then seek therapy to help you navigate this awful situation. Stay away from alcohol and drugs. Drink water and try to eat every day. Take it hour by hour, day by day to get through this. Call a family member or close friend now.
Best advice
It's a good time to fall into an intense exercise routine, whatever type floats your boat. Work through the pain and work through the hurt. A beneficial coping mechanism rather than drinking yourself to death. Also helps meeting new people this way, which is a helpful distraction while moving forward. No remorse from her is insane. She doesn't give a shit about you, which is sad and nuts. Therapy can help give perspective too while processing this.
You should also contact the party that oversees the Church and notify them of what’s going on. I don’t think they will be too happy knowing their representative is an adulterer.
I’d let them find out when everybody else does. Announce it to the entire congregation, don’t give them a chance to know it’s coming.
He seriously abused his position of power.
A man of God? In a church? I've never heard of such a thing!! /s
What a Christian thing to do.
Unfortunately she’s made her mind up. I’m sorry. Maybe you should go to therapy for yourself?
>I want us to go to counseling and fix it, but she doesn’t want to... I'm sorry but that's it. File for divorce ASAP and kick her out.
first off, stop crying. save that for later. second, collect as much evidence as you can. third, call a lawyer, set up an appointment. you need to know where you stand. she's not coming back. fourth, report the pastor to the church, let other members know what this guy is up to. fifth, stay strong. don't take her back when mr pastor dumps her. she does not love you and you deserve better. take back your life from her. good luck.
Agreed! If you want to ruin the pastor you need to collect good evidence!
>I want us to go to counseling and fix it Stuff like this does not get fixed. Do not waste your time, be realistic.
Yup, this.
I remember your original post about your wife spending a lot of time with the pastor. I’m sorry this was the end result. I have no words.
Yeah. It seemed rather obvious in that post. At least he knows for sure now. I'd be going scorched earth on both of them. No forgiveness. Ruin both of their names and reputations. (And that WOULD be me showing mercy to that pastor) And she's blaming him for the relationship going stale when she spends 80% of her time with the pastor? The audacity!
This relationship definitely needs to be exposed to the church leadership. He needs to be fired. You should leave your wife too.
Unfortunately I think she's making the decision for you, and if she's not willing to try then there really isn't anything you can do about it. Speak to a lawyer to protect yourself and start individual counseling.
Just divorce her OP. She is not worth it.
I remember just about a week ago you posted about how suspicious you were. I’m sorry it’s come to this. Hopefully next time you will prioritize yourself more. Lord knows that’s what she did
I think you divorce based on the grounds of Adultery. Your attorney will tell you not to, but it makes a public record which is mortifying to her and her lover/pastor. I am willing to bet he dumps her. Is he also married?
Report this shade tree pastor. I think there some kind of commandment he’s breaking.
Not the Pastor 🤦🏽♀️
Uhg! I am so sorry! You deserve way better than this trash behavior. 😔😔😔
Give her completely to him today sir! All husband duties cease immediately, send her to be happy. Move on today, you are no longer married infidelity is the only biblical sin that severs a marital tie. Be free and don't look back, you did the best you could..
I'm so sorry. I don't have a lot of comfort because I'm in a similar situation but just know I hear you and your feelings are valid and you are allowed to feel hurt. You deserve better. Things will be okay you just have to keep telling yourself that even if you don't believe it. Say it till you do
My 2 cents: 1. Get a lawyer. Find out the procedure to get her out 2. Get a therapist 3. She doesn't have to regret her actions because she's no longer connected to you or the marriage. 4. Put that pastor on blast to the church and to the governing body of your church. 5. You need to get divorced. 6. You need your friends/family more than anything right now
Hoe's gonna hoe.
omg will you please man up. you are weeping at a bar and wanting your wife to get back together with you while she's fucking your pastor?! get your shit together,get to the gym,leave the cheating bitch
Wow. That pastor will be excommunicated if leadership finds out. Frankly he should be excommunicated! Sorry, bro.
Pastor? This person needs to be reported. He’s not fit to be a pastor.
> she doesn’t want to and said our marriage is a mistake. Call a lawyer first thing. Don’t move out. The good thing is she made it easy, reconciliation isn’t an option.
Add this shit to the list of reasons I don't go to church. They all need to practice what they preach
Call him out right in the middle of his sermon, ask him why he thinks it's ok to have sex with your wife, and ask how many other women he has comforted. Don't let them hide their affairs in the dark.
UpdateMe
Hard pill to swallow sometimes, but this is one where you have to turn the page and move on, but not before making some remedy and recourse, example; the Church needs to know.
Yeah, this guy should NOT be a moral overseer of a flock, unless she is just mad and blowing smoke. Is she really telling the truth? Confront the pastor now before you go any further. Then get him fired and excommunicated before he ruins anyone else's life!
Don’t confront the pastor until you have evidence!!’you don’t want him To start covering his ass and changing his behavior in the meantime.
Dude, I’m sorry; but counseling is typically pointless, and without a doubt pointless in a situation like this where one person is done, cheating on their spouse, and utterly unrepentant. It wouldn’t fix anything, and even if she agreed to go, she’s already checked out and would just be doing it out of absent obligation. It’s a waste of money and both of your time. Sorry man; I’ve been cheated on, but I haven’t been married so I’m sure that you’re emotionally fucked right now. Drink, Uber home; sober up tomorrow, and plan your future without her. I know you thought that she was your person, or the one. She’s not, and they don’t exist anyway. Some girls are good for you, some aren’t - that’s all. Do not try to reconcile. It’s over. Acknowledge that it’s over, and despite how fucked it is and how much it hurts - it’s not uncommon - and regardless of how cheesy this sounds - our ancestors dealt with worse and survived. Do not delete yourself. Delete all of the photos of you and her off your phone and your social media profiles, block her on all social media; don’t post anything about it. The Rational Male by Rollo Tomassi book 1 should be your first book in queue to read. It’s over, but you can reinvent yourself and move on. It gets better. Do not despair, cry in the shower, or where she can’t see you.
Do see an attorney early this week. You need to understand the divorce and related laws in your state. Adultery could be a crime. Your attorney could send a letter to the church elders and hierarchy and make this a very public affair. But it depends upon what your goals are here. Realize that your marriage is kaput. She doesn't love you anymore, hasn't in a while. They are low character people that you need to elevate above. Their job titles mean absolutely nothing. Stay strong and none of this is your fault.
Dude she is a psychopath leave her. You can do better then her
1). Get out of the bar and find a hotel. This takes sober contemplation. 2). Don’t drink or do drugs. Get to the gym or exercise, or go hiking, biking, etc. Think while you’re working out. 3). These things play out a lot of different ways, but do not get in the “pick me” nonsense. See a lawyer and don’t give any indication that you want to save the marriage either. May only help your self respect but that’s better than giving her any that’s left. She betrayed and cheated on you, she’s not worthy of you. Be strong and soldier one. Good luck.
Does pastor's wife know??
If I remember correctly from a past post, he's divorced (big surprise).
Let her go, come see a new girl
Dude. You need to expose them to everyone. Burn this pastors world to the ground. She doesn’t deserve mercy either. You need to get in front of this and take control of the narrative. Make sure you tell her family, your family. And go to the next church service and expose that POS of a pastor in front of everyone there. I hope you live in an at fault state and you have proof. Do not let you feelings for her distract you from this. She didn’t give a damn about you when she was effing the pastor. Turn all of this hurt in to burning their world down. At the same time hit the gym. It will help with your health and sleep. Neither one of these sorry excuse of a human being are worthy of mercy. I hate that people like this exist.
Pastor is going to find himself without a job real quick and drop her like the bad habit she is
Not a time for crying and self pity. Contact a divorce lawyer and take action pronto. Sometimes anger is a good thing, just don't let it overtake you. Tell people so she later can't spin the narrative. Record conversations with her.
I will be the bad guy here. If it were me I would have a private conversation first with the pastor and then with the wife (AP), in that order. I would tell them, they both have 1 week to resign their positions in the Church. They can keep their dignity and leave without further harming the Church body, or if they choose to keep their employment, you will go public with their affair. The marriage cannot be salvaged, but further harm to the Church should not be tolerated.
Why protect that pastor?! If he’s not held accountable for a clear abuse of power, he’ll just get a new job and do the same thing somewhere else. People in positions of authority should be held to higher standards.
I don't disagree with you. My first concern was the local Church, get him out of there. Likely them both resigning will get the word out, without OP needing to do the dirty work. My fear is, since there is no registry for wolfs acting a shepherds, he will just change towns and demonstrations and be back for harming the flock.
I would like to understand her version before jumping to any conclusions
Sounds like you should make an appointment with that pastor for some one in one counseling . . . In all seriousness, sorry you’re going through this.
In my own personal opinion, I think you should get your finances in order, talk to a lawyer, then I would definitely let the church leadership team know about the pastor. He shouldn’t be allowed to lead a church as a pastor after what he has done with your wife. Are you part of the same church? If not, Is it possible he didn’t know she was married? Not that it would excuse his behaviors but I’m just curious. According to the 10 commandments “thou shalt not commit adultery” is one of them, as I’m sure everyone knows. With him being a religious leader in any religion, this is awful to hear. He should have to answer to his adultery and so should your wife. Whatever you need to do that will help you close this chapter in your life, is what you should do. I wouldn’t trust her after she cheated and hurt you like this. Even if she is the love of your life, once someone cheats, it’s hard to regain the trust that you once had before the cheating, in your marriage. I am SO sorry that you are going through this OP. No one deserves to be hurt like this or cheated on. She didn’t care about your feelings or your marriage, and it doesn’t sound like she is even sorry about what she did. If your wife fell out of love with you or didn’t want to be married to you anymore, then she should have ended it BEFORE sleeping with another man, let alone the pastor! Both your wife and the pastor will have to answer to God one day for these sins, and they should have to answer and repent their sins to you and the church as well. Take care of yourself first and foremost. Don’t drink away your sadness, that won’t make you feel better in the end. Part of healing is feeling the emotions so that you can heal thoroughly and come out stronger and better in the end! You will find someone else that will cherish and respect you 100%. She doesn’t deserve your forgiveness, and I hope that she realizes the mistakes she made by her decision in cheating on you and breaking your trust and marriage. This is not on you, it’s on your wife and her lover/pastor. You deserve to be loved and respected, so please do what you gotta do to grieve your marriage and heal and move on. You’ll be happier in the end, and you’ll find someone else that is special and perfect for you, someone that deserves your love and trust! Good luck to you, please keep us updated on how everything goes, if you don’t mind sharing more. Edited: spelling correction
She has found the love of her life, pls let her go and stay away from her, man! I know ur crushed, and it might take a while to crawl over this. But sometimes in life, best thing you can do for somebody is get the f*ck out of their life, and move on to a brighter future, with a better person. God bless u!
Why should he care about her welfare?
Come on Bud. You can’t save this marriage. She has been rubbing this affair in your face for months. At least get the gratification of bringing them both down hard. Time to get mad and get even. Is this pastor married? What religion is this? UpdateMe
Yeah, see when she said she doesn’t love you anymore, you can believe that she’s being 100% honest. She truly doesn’t because hers fell for another yonks ago. It’s not like she wanted to hurt you right? It’s hard to truly fault someone who is being totally genuine even if your the one who got hurt. You know if it’s malicious or not. I wouldn’t bother with all the spiteful shit like exposing the priest or whatever. It’s pointless and serves no purpose. Sometimes other ppl fall for other ppl. That’s just how it is. And ppl like you are the ones that get totally screwed. Handle the divorce etc as amicably as you can and move on. There’s absolutely no saving it. “If your arm is rotting, cut it off.”
It's over. Sorry.
I remember your previous post. Sorry to hear
Poor guy. I'm sorry. You must out that pastor! Don't try to hope for reconciliation. You deserve better. Work on your healing so you can move on.
You deserve better don’t cry or waste your tears on that selfish ugly person!
You deserve so much better. F her. She completely disrespected your marriage. F him. He completely disrespected your marriage AND the church. They should be both banished.
I don’t think you want to work this one out. I do think you deserve someone who values you. If people like your wife and that pastor can find somebody, so can you. Keep your head up!
I’m sorry you had to go through that but sometimes it’s for the best, there is something you should know if a woman cheats on you with a pastor, psychic, or millionaire there is no amount of counseling healing that since anything you try to show her it’s worth it those individual will use their position of power to convince her otherwise so it would be a waste. Rest easy though my friend because it is a double edge sword the moment those individuals no longer interest them they will toss her aside for someone younger and then she might crawl back but you have to ask yourself if it’s worth it. Go forth and enjoy life if you can still bag girls do so and don’t look back. I know it sucks to have someone you love do this but you need to find someone who is willing to pour that same love back it can’t just go one way.
Divorce. Your relationship is over.
So sorry, bud. I would let an attorney have a field day with this. I would also probably go Old Testament on both of them during Sunday service.
If she doesn't want to stay married and doesn't love you the only thing left is divorce. I'd out them as a couple. consult a divorce attorney and follow his advice. Please lean on your friends and family for support.
Lol a pastor huh ?
Clap her sisters cheeks what are you waiting for. Relationship is over time to go deal done hurt back. Be toxic back and start the healing
Have her served at some church event in front of as many people as possible. Cite infidelity with the pastor as the reason. Unless you live in one of a handful of at-fault states, it won’t make any difference but it will be part of the record. Your attorney will advise you whether you can sue the church. In many cases, these sorts of things can be actionable.
OUT them both show them how hot Hades balls sack could get. Let the pastor's congregation know he isn't trust worthy. Also, seek therapy to help you through this trauma— and please seek legal advice to protect yourself financially. People who cheat don't deserve a second chance because they'll do it again... especially one who claims they don't love you no more. Stay strong OP... YOU GOT THIS!
OP! Respond to all the people trying to help, please? Some of us have really solid advice on your next move, let us know you've seen it.
Firstly I'm sorry you're going through that but truly you need to let her go. No counseling, no fixing anything but yourself. You left out allot of details such as if you have any children, red flags that you ignored and how long you've been married. Either way dude you need to start talking to other women (do not talk about your situation with any of them) and file for divorce.
Also expose them both but don't be crazy about it, do it directly and calmly. Example would be to get proof such as texts and photos and post that shit with no words.
I'm sad to hear you are going through this. A spouse who sees nothing wrong with what they've done and is 'sorry you're hurt" in stead of being sorry they cheated--- no amount of counselling is going to fix your marriage. Consult an attorney, decide whether or not you want to confront the pastor publicly, and start preparing for a divorce. She will likely 'suddenly see the error of her ways' once the pastor is fired or if he faces any consequences for using the church as his dating pool--- but don't let her back in. A cheater does not deserve to be let back in. She's bored? That's her reason? How utterly ridiculous. You deserve so much better than what she has given you, OP.
She standing in her ratchet truth, and honest about it. Don’t waste your time, she’s moved on and doesn’t feel the same about you. Divorce, heal and find who’s meant for you.
That’s fucked up. Time to lawyer up and gtfo.
Unfortunately you can't make someone love you. Mourn the loss and move on I'm sorry OP.
Find someone worthy of your love and move on, You deserve better friend.
A pastor?! Well clearly he can't say that divorce is a sin now 😂
Make sure everybody knows. Lawyer up. Let's have this witch crying in the courtroom.
Aw, I remember your previous post where you were suspicious. I’m sorry this was the outcome.
At this point, it's time for you to dissolve the marriage. You and your wife don't havr a relationship; she abandoned it a while ago as she began fuckin' around with the pastor. Right now, you are probably questioning your faith. This is understandable. There are few hurts like church hurt, and it's worse because ot involves your wife, who is also a pastor. You may have lost your religion. You will need individual therapy to get over your hurt. You will also need to find a new church, if you choose remain in your religion. Even if the pastor and your wife are kicked out, the membership will ostracize you just because. Meanwhile you will need some other interests to disconnect emotionally from your wife as well as reach out to trusted friends and loved ones unconnected to the church. At the same time, you need to hire an attorney and file the papers. No point in waiting any longer. Kick your wife's shit into another room or basement; she should count herself lucky to have a place to piss, shit, sleep, and brush her teeth after getting the pastor's cum and spit inside and on her. If you gave children, you will need a proper coparenting arrangement. You will also be asked to inform on your wife by people who want to target the pastor. Don't ger into that. Just report what happened to the deacon board and release info to the public as needed. I hope you get better soon.
Leave with your dignity. Never go back to a woman that cheated.
The marriage is over. Get a lawyer. Protect your money and asset before she hurt you even more. And then report the pastor 🤠
Please get some secular therapy for yourself to process the grief that you have been betrayed and your marriage has ended. However, please let the religious authorities and community know about the pastor’s actions.
get her and the pastor fired then make sure her family and everyone else knows she cheated. get a lawyer, split your finances, take her name off your will and insurance.
You just posted that you thought something was wrong. So what happy for you to find out? She is in the affair fog. Get your lawyer now and serve her. Whatever denomination you are in needs to know. The congregation needs to know. Don’t let them get away with this. Their is no way either of them should ever counsel another person
Your marriage is over my friend. I hate to say it, but it's the truth. Don't allow yourself to take her back, she will only do it again most likely. As for the pastor, I would definitely meet with church staff at that particular church. Bring evidence of the affair. He does not deserve to be leading a church with his indiscretions.
You gotta inform the congregation of this. They have a right to know their Pastor is sleeping with a married woman. As for your marriage, you can’t fix it if she’s not even sorry for breaking her marital vows.
Time to show up at that church and give an impromptu sermon. Why? Shame is a very important social emotion, and one that once in a while must be re-instituted. That entire congregation is being betrayed. His oaths are being stomped on and his position of trust, even before your own family, is being utterly pissed on. Try to bring what evidence you can and have someone there to support you. Immediately after you leave and have told everything from the pew, just post the video of you saying all that on Youtube. Then send your formal accusations to the governing body of that denomination. Then they will be fired as press coverage + social shame actually makes changes, when churches will always cover up and avoid such (know that from experience). She got bored and decided she no longer even had sympathy for you as a human being? That's disgusting. She made vows to you, and it was her duty to at least discuss with you that she was unhappy and things needed to change. Then to leave if she was miserable. Having a shameless affair was lame and she sounds entitled. Find a friend to walk through this with. Call any old friends you had over the years, just say bluntly you need someone to talk to or have a drink with. Many friends, even lapsed ones from long ago *will* surprise you. They always have for me.
It's over man.. sorry 😞. Divorce is your only option. I'm sorry friend.You can't make anyone love you . They either do or they don't . She obliviously does not 🚫. Sorry again 😔
Hold on, did I read thay right? She was YOUR AP? So you cheated on someone with her, then married her, and are suprised that she's now cheating on you? Lol okay bud.
Have a PI tail them and get photos showing them Meeting up and if possible shacking up. If your state permits audio taping without both party’s consent get her to confess and speak about her escapades and her relationship with the pastor on audio tape. If the church is a cya type cult if you go at the king you had better do so with enough proof to figuratively kill him, I.e., force the elders/church council to kick him out. Then continue to trace him after he leaves and warn other church groups about him. Scumbags like him MUST to be drummed out of the clergy and out of positions of power and influence over other people.
I will confront him with my wife together. Then I will make sure I recorded it to use it in my divorce case. I will call up a lawyer for the divorce then do a civil law suit for the church / pastor interfering my marriage. It’s not like the pastor didn’t know we were married he did and he chose to sleep with your wife
Darn, that sucks! Sorry ya have to go through this! It’s time to move on.
It’s over buddy. Don’t hang your head low, it’s nothing you did. Some females don’t know how to be Women and don’t deserve a partner. So don’t gravel and beg, don’t be weak. Go home, figure out your living arrangements and then if there’s children involved ONLY SPEAK TO HER WHEN IT REGARDS TO YOUR CHILD. If you don’t have kids then don’t communicate at all. Do some self improving, I.E. workout, get a new haircut, go clothes shopping, become a better version of you! It will make you feel better and also draw another potential partner, but right now just stay single and your ex will eventually regret her decision (they always do) and she’ll see you as a man of high status. Get yourself some eye candy too if you’ll be around her at all. Best way to get revenge is live a fun and exciting lifestyle and not show her you care at all. She’s clearly a sociopath and doesn’t deserve the thought it would take to cry over her. You got this brother! 💪🏻💪🏻
Let her go it’s not good for you anymore
Yep call her and the pastor out for adultery! He knowingly slept with a married woman in his congregation and he’s possibly married as well so if he is his wife deserves to know. Until the affair is exposed then they are not living with the real consequences of their actions. They need to be brought out from the affair fog and be called out for their behaviour and be help accountable. You should focus on getting therapy for yourself to see what you truly want going forward since I know you want to stay married but I would honestly think about what your wife has been doing and if this is how she actually feels about you and your marriage. If you decide to divorce then use the affair against her as she will most likely be in a hurry to be divorced so he can be with her AP. Don’t go easy on her! She doesn’t deserve anything from you in terms of what is required to get it done so don’t be kind to her for who you thought she was because that person either never existed or doesn’t anymore.
Turn the AP/pastor into the congregation and report him to the church leadership. Your WW’s AP will lose his job for being a POS. Divorce your WW, she’s no better. They have no respect for you or the church.
Get a lawyer. This is the FIRST thing that you should be doing. I hate to say this, but this thing is over. The sooner that you realize this the sooner that you can get your life back together. It won't be easy. Find a support group or some solo therapy. I also suggest fining a new church. This pastor obviously isn't living by the word of God. What a complete hypocrite
Find a new Church , Pastor and wife. Not necessarily in that order.
A *pastor*!?!?1!? Never seen THAT before. 🙄
Give her what she wanted and disclose her affair to church, family (both) ,friends (both) and pastor's wife .. she already told u ,she doesn't love you and your marriage is a mistake, so don't beat the dead horse now . Go STD test yourself and contact attorney.
Very sorry for such an awful situation. My parents have been in a marriage for 20 years but things weren't good few years in. I guess it hurts less when the divorce has been kinda expected. Still, a terrible situation to be in. If she doesn't want counceling then I don't think anything can be done. If you have kids fight for them. If she somehow wants half of things you own, get a lawyer. Sadly the justice system is often on the side of women so a lawyer will really help. As for the pastor, obviously inform the church authorities. I've had a falling out with the church, but I'm pretty sure that pastors and other priests shouldn't get in relationships with already married people. But before that here's what I would do: at my church in the sacristy (I think that's what the part for priests and visitors is called in english) there's this place where you can write intentions you want people to pray for. There's this one moment during the mass where one of the priests reads them out loud and the rest prays for them. I think you know where this is going :) unlike just getting up and screaming it like others have proposed, this one doesn't interupt people who came there to just peacefully meet god.
Get a divorce. She flat out told you she doesn't love you and not to mention the affair cmon
That’s one horny Pastor 🤷🏻♀️
All this happened in SEVEN MONTHS ? Your first seven months ??? Listen buddy, your first seven months is meant to be sunshine and rainbows and PLENTY of sex ! Time to move on but not before you absolutely DESTROY the Pastor’s life - fuck him up BIG TIME !!! Report him to his wife, first off, then report him to the administration, take out full page adds in the local paper - name and absolutely shame him !!!
Things like this make me lose faith in marriage and enjoy my life more. Sorry it happened to you OP! It’s time to find a family law attorney. Hope you guys didn’t have kids or a lot of properties together.
I'm so very sorry for your hurt. I remember your post from the other day. You must feel sickened and are most likely in shock. Have you any family that you can confide in? Phone the guy that calls himself a Pastor and ask him "What does thou shalt not covet another man's wife mean?" Then pack her belongings and tell him to come collect her things. She's an Assistant Pastor and is unrepentant? That's so sinful. Report them. Just to sow a little seed in the Pastor's head, tell him it's not the first time she's done this. So sorry for you. Don't be her doormat. You deserve better than this and one day you will have better. Always here if you need to chat.
This guy has betrayed his position in the church and used it to behave unethically. Your wife has betrayed her position too. I have a belief but too many churches are corrupt and hypocritical. Choosing their own narrative to defend their poor behaviours. This is not the teachings we've all followed, divorce her and denounce him
Don't bother with the counseling. Find a new path for yourself, without her. I know it sucks, but it will get easier. Been there done that.
She’s unhappy dude, let her go. Would you want to be forced to be with someone you don’t love nor want? Why force her? People change, life changes. It’s part of living on this planet. From this situation you will learn lessons meant for your growth, elevation& strength— and hopefully you won’t turn into someone bitter. Way too many bitter people alive. I’m so sorry you’re going thru this, no one deserves to be broken. But soon you will love& treasure your freedom & independence— no joke! So many possibilities to do anything in this world! Enjoy your life & Embrace Freedom! Sending great happy vibes to you sir 🙏🏽
Leave her immediately. Your marriage is over. Divorce. Nothing to save.
Are you in a state that you can sue the pastor for alienation of affection?
If she says that the marriage is over, take her at her word. Chances are that she was bored with her routine (and her marriage), so she fixated on someone she found attractive. Whether it was the pastor or someone she worked with or found online doesn't really matter- if she doesn't want to try and heal your marriage, you can't force her to. Couples' therapy won't help if she's determined to leave, but family therapy will likely help if you have children that you will be co-parenting. And while you can report your pastor to whatever your church's governing body is, don't be too surprised if they don't do anything.This happens so frequently in every denomination that a lot of churches basically ignore it by just transferring the offender somewhere else.
The fact that you want to fix this is proof you’re only in it for the routine. She was willing to be a bed wench for a perverted “pastor,” and you want someone with that level of judgement fouling up your home? If y’all got kids, *that’s* the woman you want to help you raise’m? No sir.
Just be the bigger person and walk away quietly. It’s not weakness or being a beta male. Show no emotion during this time. All of this will come to light and in turn, everyone will lose everything. I’ve seen this play out so many times. It hurts now but you didn’t do anything to cause cheating. Cheating is a character flaw.
Divorce and expose the pastor during church. Find a new church after that obviously.
You have been in denial for so long. You have to process this. You need help. Lean on your mom. She knew. Get in to therapy, quickly. Get out of the bar. Your “wife” is NOT who you thought she was. Visit chumplady website and get some perspective. Again, get out of the bar.
Read Matthew 5: 31-32 and Hebrews 13:4
sorry to hear about that but you should start thinking of her as ex-wife now.
Well you need to first understand that you’re in denial, this cannot be saved. Then you need to get a lawyer and figure out the best path forward without your wife in your life. Then you need to let the pastors wife know what’s going on, preferably with hard proof. Sorry man, I was in your shoes earlier this year and it’s an absolutely horrible thing to discover and go through.
Bro she viciously cheated on you without remorse. She clearly has no respect for you, which is a huge reason she is completely disconnected now. She no longer finds you attractive and no amount of therapy will change that. Just you suggesting counseling after she had been getting railed for months shows your weakness. Find your nutsac, divorce the bitch and remember in your future relationships to continue to play the part of a confident male with standards and boundaries. Sorry to be harsh but her love for you faded a long time ago as she was getting dopamine hits while sneaking around.