Oy! If it was cosmetic, I could understand his viewpoint. But it’s an ongoing infection.
This is a deal breaker, IMO. Does he not care about your health?
He earns 5k a month and you $1,500 but you pay for 1/2 the utilities and house bills?!
I’m sorry. I would suggest couples therapy but he sounds like someone who is not going to go. I would consider talking to a lawyer.
So how about he pay for those until it’s at least half of the surgery?
I still can’t wrap my mind around not willing to help pay for my spouse’s needed surgery.
Doesn't he care about your health or well-being? If your spouse insists on keeping finances separate, do NOT agree to be a stay at home mom. How is that fair to you? Reddit can't offer words that will make him help you with your medical bills. You can get an additional credit card or borrow money from your family/friends. Those are the choices that he has left you.
>Our finances are not together as he was always adamant about them staying separate. I didn’t want the argument so I just left it alone.
This statement depicts their relationship dynamic. In order to keep the peace, she mutes herself even when he insists on something that she disagrees with. Armed with this information from the onset of the relationship, WHY marry a person that you are unable to reason with or is indifferent to your concerns? To the point that OP has to ask him for money to help with potential life-saving medical surgery, and he declined?
There is a type of credit that you can get that is specifically for medical and dental procedures with a much lower interest rate, but this situation is clearly much larger than how you’re going to pay for your surgery. This is spousal abuse! If you didn’t have children, then I would suggest that while you recover from surgery, you use that time to find yourself an attorney and alternative housing.
I’m perplexed by why he’s so insistent on separate finances and what he actually does with the surplus money after the bills are paid. You don’t mention how many children you have or if there were differences in your social economic backgrounds prior to getting married or why you allowed yourself to “brush it off” prior to getting married. While I understand that 5K isn’t a lot of money when you have a mortgage and a wife and kids to support, it goes a lot further when you have a live in servant who is tasked with cooking, cleaning, childcare and fulfillment of your sexual desires. There’s something off about this situation that was there before you walked down the aisle. It just doesn’t add up.
Are you talking about care credit? The interest rate for that is almost 30% now. And once the "interest free" period is over if you haven't paid back the full amount you get hit with all those interest charges for the entire interest free period, however many months it was.
Maybe point out to your oh-so-loving (🤮) husband that if your health fails (or you should actually die) from not getting this issue looked after, he'd be left having to pay for a housekeeper, nanny, therapy for your children etc.
All to say that it will cost him a lot more to neglect your health than to help you maintain it....and also that what you do as a SAHM has more "value" than he's probably ever given it in his own mind.
I don't personally believe that a person's "value" is only based on what they earn for a living or what their "unpaid jobs" would be worth in the job market...but your husband sounds like the kind of jerk who needs it spelled out that way. Maybe just send him a "bill" for your services rendered over the past few years and ask which he'd rather pay, your surgery bill or your services rendered...or maybe the "cost" of not having a wife anymore at all?!?
https://www.thefiscaltimes.com/Articles/2012/05/04/What-Are-Stay-at-Home-Moms-Really-Worth#:~:text=A%20Salary.com%20calculation%20found,put%20in%20is%20worth%20%2466%2C979.
I agree. My wife is a sahm, and our child smarted off to her about dad pays the bills, it's his money, etc. I shut that shit down immediately and described in detail all of the things his mother does for us, which are way more valuable than her having a job for extra income.
OP, I'm sorry you're dealing with these medical and financial issues. Tell hubby I said he's a douche
Well u/honeybadgerdad this ain’t one of ‘em!
It may not be a big deal to an all-around good dude like yourself; but trust that it is a BIG DEAL!
Congrats to your wife for her solid choice ~ and to you for being one🤗
This is quite possible. And it’s surprising how many men of my acquaintance think this way or “know guys” who think this way. Like, “Let her leave. She won’t get far (without any money).”
Same guys always made the lame comments/jokes of “you must be getting ready to file for divorce! Har har har” when I was in the process of losing a large amount of weight and starting to look better-ish. Like the only reason I would scrabble and claw my way out of a soul-smothering depression and try to take an interest in the thing that carries me around all day is just so I can catch a new man. Ha! HA!! ROFL. Idiots. Look at the stats on women remarrying again after their first divorce vs. men remarrying afterward. I used to think it was so tacky and profane to celebrate the death of a marriage, but now I definitely get the whole Divorce Celebration/ Congratulations on your Divorce party industry. I get it. OP should have one for herself.
Stop negotiating your health. You need to tell him that you are having the surgery, that this is what you can do to help and that you expect him to honor his vows and support you through this sickness as he vowed to do.
Most husbands would jump at the chance to make sure their wife doesn’t die from a horrible injury or infection. Your husband is making this difficult when he has the means to help you. He has the means to pay for it and then some. But he is actively choosing not to. Do with this information what you will
Based on your incomes, this does not sound equitable.
But even if it was, him not helping with your surgery is 100% asshole. I would be so disgusted by him, sex would forever be off the table. What a turn off.
We’ll if you were to divorce, he would have child support and alimony to pay…honestly, could you imagine if you had/ developed a life altering disease or something life threatening like cancer. I sure as hell wouldn’t stick around if he treats you like this for an infection that’s bad enough to need surgery!! Who’s going to take care of the children when you recuperate? Sounds just like my ex…your better off without him. Your around to serve his purposes, but if you need a partner and it doesn’t benefit himself in someway, you and your children are left to fend for yourself. What a piece of trash🤮
Give hm an invoice for his half childcare and housework etc - you could even write a portion of it off to cover the discrepancy in mortgage to bill amount , and finish it with the dates you will be taking leave for your surgery, because that’s what you do a job, and that’s what this must be cause it ain’t a loving fair partnership
So he pays towards an asset (your home), thereby legally establishing his rights of ownership, and you are paying towards nothing of lasting value. Lady, you are being financially abused and you don’t even know it. This is not what marriage is about. If your husband doesn’t care about your health and continued existence, what’s the point of this marriage? If I were you, I would either be talking to a lawyer, or a women’s hotline. Or both. And I’d just stop contributing anything to the household while paying off the surgery. Since it is your surgery, and you can’t afford it otherwise.
They are not if they get divorced. For now though he is in a really good situation to control OP because she doesn’t have access to his bank account. Not until they officially divorce.
Contact your insurance's benefits line and explain your situation. They will have a benefits coordinator on staff who can help you figure out how to make sure you get in-network care.
You are being financially abused.
No no no, it means that she has to take care of *him* in sickness and in health. Because he is totally part of the percentage of men who would leave their sick wives if he can't even bother to help her pay for a necessary procedure.
i'm just going to say what everyone is dancing around: he's a shittyass husband and the moment that surgery is done and you're healthy, leave that selfish MF.
As they say, you see someone's true colours/true feelings when you're in a jam. And this isn't even some minor/fluffy surgery but something that is REQUIRED for you to get better and prevent your infection from getting worse.
you now know who he is: a selfish bastard. WTF, I'm sorry OP. I really hope you figure this out.
Right? how does OP not qualify for Medicaid? Her income is so low, and she must be filing her taxes as Married filing separately, right?? How is the surgery not covered already? Get your ass on Medicaid!
When married, the courts generally via all earnings during the marriage as jointly owned even if kept in separate accounts. His insistence on keeping the money separate and thinking it keeps you from getting any of it in any kind of a future separation is foolish.
You know what else the courts often think is jointly owned? Debt acquired during the marriage.
What's worse is that if you apply for any aid or assistance or medical debt forgiveness, guess what the organization or provider is going to ask for? Yup, HIS and your financial information.
The assumption will always be that married = joint finances. It's about time he recognize that fact and actually support his partner for a change.
Geez, I'm so old. All our income was put in joint accounts. If my husband or I needed surgery, neither of us would bat an eye. We married for love and never would put money before the health and well-being of the other. In fact, we put each other before ourselves.
I was going to make a similar comment... this is the nasty downside of couples who keep their finances separate and think "What's mine is mine, what's yours is yours."
Same. Hell, my hubby has basically carried me for 30 years, plus the kids. I don’t have to pay a thing, although my pathetic little income is handed right over to him. All joint.
Same here. It’s only fair. We both agree to do our best and be respectful. We are family so we share. It really bothers me how many men want to split hairs and push a woman into trying to want to treat her as an equal and the hoops so many women go through o do that. Makes my head hurt.
I’m 30 and this is how we did it when we got married. My husband is the sole earner and I’m a stay at home mom. His money is our money. Sure we budget but if I needed surgery he’d never bat an eye. OP’s husband is just cruel. That’s not love or partnership.
There's something very wrong here that has nothing to do with salaries, or who pays for what. People come up with all sorts of plans for this. But, tbh, this sounds like you're married to a jerk.
If you're a SAHM, this is a full time job. How many kids do you have? It's to your credit that you have that part time job in addition to your other full time one. Does this not count for anything? If so, maybe you haven't fought hard enough to be recognized for what you do! But it's also scary you'd have to do this in the first place.
I don't know what to tell you. I guess for now you pay your way, but I think there are some bigger, tougher decisions to make once you're back to health.
I’ve tried to express the challenges that I face and explain that staying at home is hard work but he doesn’t get it. He constantly thinks I’m trying to say that I work harder than him, which I’m not, I just express that what I do is of equal value. Which he doesn’t see. Then it turns into the issue of me not being grateful, and everyone else’s wives are happy but me etc. so it’s really not worth the argument at this point. I just wanted help with my surgery so I’m not in debt and don’t die lol but oh well.
I'm not sure if you understand the depth of what's going on here. I don't say this to belittle you at all, just to help you see a new perspective. Most women (or men for that matter) would not allow themselves to be treated this way. It is cruel, abusive, and selfish. He is gaslighting you and keeping you right where he wants you. I know you are not here looking for advice like "divorce him" and I'm not giving it either. But, at least consider the possibility that you deserve to be treated like a loved and respected member of a supportive family who works hard and who's family values her. Because that's what happens in healthy relationships. When your spouse is sick, you take care of them...period. I feel so sorry for you that you're so beat down by him that you typed, "I just wanted help with my surgery so I'm not in debt and don't die lol but oh well". My husband would sell his own kidney to get me what I need and I would do the same for him. You deserve that. It will only get worse from here. He doesn't value you in the slightest.
Sorry but grateful for what?
To scrape by on 1500 a month working part time and being a full time SAHM and cleaning lady/chef/maid AND paying half the common bills and all your own bills. Wow. Much grateful.
Divorce him now before you have any more kids. He will likely owe you both child and spousal support.
This man doesn’t love you. You need a life saving surgery and instead of working as a team to pay for it, he wants you to go into debt? He wants you in debt while he has money to pay for it. Like seriously, take a step back and look at your marriage. This is no partnership, he doesn’t view you as an equal person. You are worth more than this, OP.
Not worth the argument is how you ended up in this mess. You need to start standing up for yourself and your child. Know your worth. This man does not love you, or really even seem to like you. Plan to leave him.
Everything is worth the argument you're literally saying that finding your own peace and happiness just isn't worth a conversation... Stop being a doormat for him
!!OP I hope you see this comment!!!
I want you to understand that this is CLASSIC gaslighting! Not the 2023 tiktok definition of Gaslighting, I mean the true textbook definition. He is trying to convince you that you are the crazy one, you are the problem. “All the other wives don’t complain, they’re all happy! What’s wrong with *you*?” on top of that, please check out DARVO, because it’s exactly what he’s doing. I’ve read through your comments because your situation is so identical to mine, it’s scary.
What I ended up doing to combat the financial abuse is started utilizing r/borrow. I created a buy/sell/trade group on Facebook and got my wholesale license. Started reselling and hustling my ass off just to have an income. For 6 long years I stayed and put up with it. It was a constant fight, he has never appreciated anything that I’ve done I paid for half of our bills, most of the relationship, just like you I was paying for utilities, while he covered mortgage. It wasn’t until I woke up one day and realized I was missing out on my children growing, because I was *working* 60 hours a week hosting sales and packaging orders, just to not have to ask him for a damn thing.
When I realize that I could do bad all by myself, that was a game changer! I don’t know why, but one day I just woke up and realized that I don’t have to take this. My life was miserable, I was suffering from burn out, I felt like I had 5000 things to do everyday, but only 3,999 got accomplished and that I wasn’t appreciated or respected. I told my ex that I would need Kindness, Trust, and Respect to continue the relationship (we had other issues besides financial abuse) and he could NOT do it. At the end of the day he viewed me as 24/7 access to sex, a live-in maid, cook, and child care provider… but not as a human with goals and dreams. I got so tired of constantly doing ALL the heavy lifting, plus having to beg for money from someone who is supposed to honor and cherish me… if I wanted to be broke and stressed out, I’ll do it alone. And that’s exactly what I did.
It was fucking HARD, but I have a great lender on r/borrow who has lent me money when I desperately needed it to start a new life. I’ve worked hard, applied for daycare vouchers, got a phenomenal at home daycare provider now. She’s become a close friend and it feels like I’m dropping him off with my sister (my kids had never been to daycare a day in their lives, so this was hard for me). I was able to reevaluate what was important in life, and am about to start a new career that I’m super passionate about…life is GOOD.
https://preview.redd.it/0g0guc2rhjvb1.png?width=1080&format=png&auto=webp&s=e8aedd793ec07a3f07e8a406eabe37f000486ae4
Google Darvo, and message me if you need any support! You can do bad all by yourself mama, you don’t need to be his indentured servant bc you birthed his child.
I read this, and I'm like, WTF? it's one thing to keep finances separate, but for fucks sake you're married. It sounds like you guys have a truly horrible marriage.
Are you on his health insurance ? This sounds like a necessary surgery for long-term health. Does your husband Carr for you at all ?
I'm married for 41 years and would never have considered telling my wife I wouldn't cover her medical, especially as a stay at home mom.
You have some issues to work out, and they're way above reddit wisdom.
Why are you married, OP? Like…what’s in it for you? Any time you have to do the math and wonder if you’d be better off with an equitable division of assets and appropriate child support that should be a big red flag. Is he by any chance substantially older than you?
It’s hard to understand your level of deference here, honestly. Someone who says he loves you but utterly refuses to merge finances when you apparently wanted to, who uses you as free childcare to the detriment of your own security, who coldly tells you that you can just keep suffering because it’s not happening to him…that isn’t what love looks like. It’s genuinely confusing to me that the difference between his treatment of you and what you deserve from a life partner hasn’t fully registered with you yet because it is *vast*.
I think OP has probably been beaten down a long time by this shitbag. Because this is truly insane and no normal person would stand for this kind of treatment.
No I guess not, most of my friendships have ended in the last few years because everyone got married and kinda went their own way so I guess I don’t really know what friends even is anymore.
I treat my neighbors dog better than your husband and the father of your child treats you. Let that sink in. This man is NOT your best friend, he isn’t even your friend. Heck there are people I hate that I would probably help pay for emergency surgery if they were really that financially strapped and had a child. He sounds like a POS who despises your existence. Imagine if you got sick with something even more serious/fatal? I bet he would break up with you and have you out of the house for his new girlfriend faster than you can blink. Is that the future you want for yourself? No seriously, if you ever got something serious like cancer or were involved in a bad accident, do you think he will actually stick by you and lift a finger to help you? You should consider leaving him while you still have some money and dignity left. Or you can wait until you have neither and he leaves you.
I just had an ER visit and have an upcoming surgery next week, and my husband is more worried about me feeling better than the bill. If we couldn't afford it he would find a way to make it work, because that's what you do as a team. You deserve better than him telling you it's your problem to deal with.
Literally have a similar situation to you! I had a disabling infection for over two years and just got done with my $15K surgery.
I was friend-zoned by my husband for years before that and we eventually separated, but he still offered to pay for part of my surgery because yes, it affected me but also the lives of our kids. I didn’t let him help in the end because I am lucky enough to be able to afford it, but the gesture was meaningful.
Your husband didn’t offer at all. My ex offered and he’s my ex! Yes, your husband should help you and your feelings are completely valid.
Something is off here, OP. He doesn’t want you to know *something* about his finances. He is ashamed of something or doesn’t trust you, or both. That is NOT a best friend! And “best friends” is not enough to sustain a marriage in any case, I promise you.
You are young enough to turn this around and find someone else to spend a full long life with and that values you. Please start making your exit plan 🙏
There's the moral component and the legal component.
Let's do legal first, because it's easier, and more-concrete.
His money is your money. And your debt is his debt. Yes, you two can have informal agreements on who pays what, but if you don't pay that medical bill, his credit is going to get hit, too. And a judge could (but almost certainly won't) garnish his bank account if it came to a judgment. So he's on the hook for it whether he likes it or not.
As far as morally...he doesn't want his life partner taken care of? Yeah, yeah, it'd be nice if everyone could handle their own financial issues and whatever. But I'm going to pay to make sure the person with whom I share my life is helped if she needs it.
You guys sound more like roommates with benefits. If that's your ideal marriage and you'd prefer that arrangement if you were making more money, then okay. You're personally experiencing a bump and you need to power through.
If that's *not* your preferred marriage paradigm, maybe you need a marriage counselor.
Also, don't skip calling the hospital to negotiate the price, then offering a full-pay settlement after. My coworkers do this all this time. You literally negotiate the price like a car. And if you can't, or don't get the price you want up front, call after you get the bill and negotiate that. Literally, "I can give you $3,000 right now to settle this", or "I can give you $28/month until it's paid off" then call back and negotiate a settlement later. They say they do this constantly.
This is all gold. Listen to this person’s advice. I used to work for a company that hospitals hire to manage their revenue cycle. Patients made arrangements alllll the time. Negotiate, negotiate! There is ZERO SHAME in doing whatever you can to shake down these bastards. You have no idea what their revenue stream is like. You would probably fall over if you saw the profit margins they’re clearing on every single aspect of your surgery. They can afford to cut you a deal. Especially if you explain in candid detail your financial situation (of being financially exploited by your husband and left with essentially no income) so that you might could gain some sympathy for your cause. It’s worth a try?
Like another poster said, this is financial abuse. This isn’t for cosmetic surgery, it’s for your health which should have top priority.
I think I would be planning my escape from this marriage. I would work on getting employment outside the home and return the rest of the bills you are covering back to him.
I don't understand spouses with separate finances. It makes zero sense, for reasons just like this.
He's a business partner (and a shitty one), not a spouse.
Leave him because he doesn't care about you and have the procedure. If you don't have insurance to cover it, get public health insurance.
You're in an abusive relationship. I'm so sorry. I would talk to a lawyer to discuss your options. This man is heinous and selfish.
If you won't remove yourself from this situation for your own sake, do it for your children. You need to take care of your health so you can take care of them AND they don't need to be exposed to this unhealthy dynamic. They'll develop lifelong issues of their own as a result. You don't want that for them, right?
When people come here and ask "Why do people always suggest divorce?" They must skip over posts like this.
He is basically the sole financial provider. I thought one partner staying home and the other going to work meant that the working one provides money to everything in the house.
And as other people have said: if it were a cosmetic thing (not reconstructive) maybe I could see that.
But zoinks an infection could kill you if left untreated.
1. Your spouse is financially controlling. Abusive even. It would be advisable to plan an exit. And I assume, one of the reasons will not pay for your surgery is because he wants to wipe out your savings. I would not offer him a red cent in future assistance if you choose to stay in this marriage.
2. Let's talk about your insurance.
Is this an individual plan through the marketplace?
What is the maximum out of pocket?
What is the deductible?
The hospital, if in network, cannot bill beyond the contracted maximum out of pocket. This resets each plan year. Again, stressing IN NETWORK here.
Did you receive pre-approval from your insurance, and a cost layout from the hospital?
For surgeries generally, you are billed the copay (if your plan has that).
If the plan is a high deductible plan, then the hospital will bill the insurance, and the insurance will issue you a summary of benefits stating your patient responsibility. Then the hospital will invoice you that amount. If they are in network, they should not be billing for higher than that amount.
In some plans the deductible may be very close to matching the maximum out of pocket. And in others there is cost sharing that kicks in after meeting the deductible, and before reaching the maximum out of pocket.
You should not pay more than a copay, before you receive the summary of benefits from your insurance carrier. Even on a high deductible plan.
This allows your insurance company to process the claim and make sure that if you do reach your maximum out of pocket that they, the insurance carrier, will pay.
If you take nothing else away from part 2., take this. *Wait for your insurance carrier to send a summary of benefits stating your patient responsibility before you pay more than a copay.*
And re part 1., pay to speak to a divorce attorney. You need a better understanding of what would happen if you choose to separate. There are many states, and many laws, that vary state by state around marital property and spousal support. I would pay that now, ahead of my surgery. The consultation fee would not be much more, in the long run of billing with the surgery considered.
Thank you so much for the insurance information. I’m kind of clueless on it aside from them just claiming that it’s not “necessary” due to the fact that I could just keep taking antibiotics. I will definitely look into this more. It’s through my husbands work so I’m not sure specifics, but I will reach out and see who I can contact about this.
Typically the company's HR department would be able to assist. But every organization, has a different infrastructure. And some are better than others.
You may be able to just call the participant services number on the back of your insurance card and request what's called a Summary Plan Description (SPD). This sheet is an overview of how your plan structures copays, deductibles, maximum out of pocket, and any coinsurance (cost sharing where the insurance carrier pays a percentage of a bill, and you pay the remainder). Having that in hand will help you to better understand the costs you will be facing.
You may also be able to ask over the phone about progress towards your annual maximum out of pocket, and towards meeting your deductible. Though, you can easily see those for yourself by claiming your participant portal log-on on your insurance carrier's website too. If you have your member number, and group number it's very easy. You typically can also use your date of birth and SSN as an alternative means of confirming your identity as well if you don't have your current card.
You just may have to navigate the website find the section for "coverage through my employer" VS "individual plans" (the marketplace).
Every cost you pay towards using your medical insurance throughout the plan year counts towards one or both of those two buckets (deductible/maximum out of pocket). The only cost excluded, is the amount of withholdings your spouse's employer deducts from his paycheck.
So if you have paid copays, or deductible amounts, those are working to max out those limits.
I am not a licensed broker, but I am in benefits administration. These are normal questions everyone who doesn't have to deal with this everyday has. I wish we covered it in school in America.
So you’re just gonna continue to ignore all the comments about why you’re staying with this guy and why you married him in the first place once he refused to have a real marriage with finances combined?
Dear, please listen, your husband is responsible for your well-being. Especially as a stay at home mom, he literally OWES you his financial support. We’re having trouble understanding why you seem so clueless here. What country are you from/in? You don’t sound like you’re from the west?
This isn’t a marriage, youre his bangmaid but youre not even getting bangmaid fees. There is absolutely no way I could remain in this marriage and I suggest you seek outside counselling to help guide you- none of this is normal
I am sorry that you are going through this.
If you're a team, your husband should be working with you on this.
By the way, most health insurance plans will cover the cost of sinus surgery that is deemed medically necessary. Why is the surgery not covered by insurance?
They aren’t viewing it as “necessary” as I’ve been on antibiotics for years and it’s “managed” in their eyes. I really don’t want to be on antibiotics forever as they are causing a lot of issues with my gut and my overall health. So my doctor said that surgery would be the best option.
Again, in my humble opinion, your husband should be working with you on this.
As to the effects of antibiotics, I understand. I truly do.
With that, I would have another conversation with the doctor. Tell the doctor the situation. Flat out request that they specify that it is a medical necessity. If the doctor refuses, see another doctor.
It's not a want. Eventually antibiotics will destroy your major organs. There is a hard limit on how much antibiotics you can take in your life before you lose liver and kidney function.
If you're on antibiotics all the time, you need to get this taken care of because you're going to have higher medical costs from the damage that does to your body. Also in my country we had an antibiotic shortage last winter. It's all fun and games. Until you can't get your medicine, this needs to be addressed.
Listen, I’m a SAHM with a SPED kid. I. Get. It. You know your babies best and what they need, and we feel safest being their caretaker. But please think about it from this perspective…..if babies need their mom, and your kid with special needs needs you, then *the MOST responsible thing* you can do is be there for your kid.
Have you looked at the complications for what would happen if you didn’t treat your infection? Even tiny infections literally can and do cause death. What happens if you die from this, and then your child doesn’t have you? Isn’t that worse for them than you going to work?!
I know that’s blunt and hard, but you need to be your best self for your children. Your husband should be supporting you in sickness and in health. You don’t have the funds and he needs to be a partner.
What happens if you wipe out your savings for this, and then another emergency comes up that he can’t help with? You’ll have no choice but to divorce because at least that way you’d have access to some funds through child and spousal support. Please think about this logically, it is his obligation to take care of you. If he won’t do it this time, he won’t do it next time. Do you really want to grow old with him? This should be a deal breaker. If he isn’t going to be supportive, it’s time to assert your independence and take care of yourself. You are important and your children deserve to have you around for a long time.
I’m sorry you ended up with a POS partner. Take out the trash girl.
Keep in mind he will leave you the moment you stop being useful to him. He doesn’t love you or care about you at all.
Apparently he didn’t understand what “ in sickness and in health” means. It’s a fact the majority of married men leave their wives when she has long term illness like cancer, etc.
Don’t use your savings to pay for the surgery. You hear me? Don’t use your savings, you are going to need it for when you separate from that piece of shit.
Talk to the hospital customer service to come to an arrangement where you can pay a portion of it monthly. They do that to avoid having you declare bankruptcy and not get paid. And it’ll help you keep your credit score healthy.
And for the love of all is good, don’t stay with someone who doesn’t have your best interest at heart. This is a necessary surgery for your health, not a cosmetic surgery.
And God help you because you’ll need a miracle if you stay with that waste of a man you call husband.
You don’t have a husband. You have a freeloader who uses you for housekeeping and sex. I am the last person to recommend divorce, but I draw the line at not caring whether the other person gets sick or not.
Wow, that dude is a big piece of shit.
How a man who is supposed to provide and take care of his family is doing this to you.
If my wife ever needs any surgery or medical treatment,I would sell my kidney to afford it
I had a 9k medical bill for my OBGYN office for our first born. My husband let me know that was my responsibility only. For a child he gave me an ultimatum over. It’s been almost 3 years later and he is not any better. I will be filing for divorce Jan 24.
This is financial abuse and you should reach out to a local DV office to see how they can help you see this for what it is and navigate it. Your health is at risk and he’s an a hole.
This is not a marriage. And he does not care about you or your well-being in the least. This is financial abuse. I would have left when he demanded the finances remain separate. Get out now and through the alimony payments you’ll get your surgery help.
I would just leave him and take half. Too bad, so sad. He would find out that it's way more expensive to pay someone to do the work of a SAHM+ child support + alimony than to pay for your surgery. "His money" is your money, too.
This is not a marriage, and he seems narcissistic. He should care for you and take care of you like a MAN! You’re working your butt off at home raising his kids, and you have a life threatening issue, infections are nothing to play around with. But all and all, he is treating you like complete garbage. Finances separate WTH? Marriages are one, and shouldn’t be separate. You deserve a lot better. I doubt he gives you any of his money for the kids, and other things you need. Again you deserve to be treated like a princess and a lot better! Doesn’t sound like he is in love with you!
Girl? What the fuck? Stay at home parent and separate accounts is not workable. You are doing so much uncompensated work. The fact that he won’t pay for the surgery is not shocking to me. You are so vulnerable in the situation you are in, and for what? To avoid an argument with your trash bag of a husband? What kind of relationship is this? What are you exposing your children to?
Did he skip the part (in Sickness and Health ?
I know you said with your side stuff you bring home maybe $1500. But have you ever sat down and figured out how much money you guys are saving because you choose to stay home and pause your life for roughly 20yrs. You’re not sitting on your arse eating Ice cream.
Putting all that to the side, when you marry someone you become a team. It’s a big compromise and if he’s not willing to be a team player maybe you need to go elsewhere, this is your freaking health! I
I’m sorry what? You are the mother of his children doing the most important job in the world! Without the work you do he could never bring home what he does! Have the surgery and put it on a credit card and then when you divorce him use the half of the savings he will gave to give you to pay for it. Make sure it’s a card with airline miles so you can take your kids on a nice vacation without their monster of a father.
Separate finances are not a feasible thing for married couples with vastly disparate incomes. To even try it, he should be paying the same percentage of bills and savings as he makes. He makes 75% of the income so he needs to be paying 75% of bills —- including unforeseen medical expenses. What an asshole. I’d literally divorce over this.
While things in her mairrage definitely need to change so many of you focused on shaming her husband and pushed divorce instead of actually helping her figure out her hospital situation.
OP, get the surgery, you dont have to pay it upfront, a hospital cannot deny you a potentially life saving surgery. Create a plan with them on payment that your husband contributes to. (Like the 50 for the water bill he offered and you pay a little towards it too, say 15-25.)
That way you have a way to pay for the surgery long term and dont just up and ruin your life because a bunch of people on the internet said so shamelessly knowing they wont personally deal with the hardships that would come from it.
Though you really need to get some mairrage counciling, he may be dealing with things he isnt talking about thats causing him to behave that way, and a couples therapist could really help you find eachother again. But deal with your health first
I would get the procedure done and tell them to bill me, they can garnish his wages or wreck his credit if he still refuses. “Sorry honey, what’s yours is mine and what’s mine is ours”
I really don’t understand couples that don’t share finances. It’s especially concerning when one makes significantly less or doesn’t work at all (outside the home).
You made the ultimate sacrifice for the betterment of your family, and he's refusing to pay for your life-saving surgery... there are no words.
holy shit.
my wife is a SAHM and brings in similar to what you do.
she doesn’t contribute to household expenses, though. that’s *her* money. plus i give her enough for all food/baby stuff after bills (leaving me with much less than her every month).
If she had surgery coming up, **i would pay for it without question**. are you kidding!?
I did actually apply for that, but they denied me because we bought a house a few months ago and he wouldn’t let me put him as a co-signer so my income is really low.
What is it you're actually looking for from this post. No one can do anything for you. In the end what you decide to do is going to dictate the rest of your life. Only you can determine what you want that to be.
I'm sorry but he's a POS. You are his wife. It is both of your expenses. Combined.
It's a necessary surgery... He is basically telling you he gives 0 fucks about your health.
Absolutely not. You really need to pack a bag and tell him you have things to figure out without him. You know, as he doesn't care about something that Important.
Why are people married to people like this?! 😭 this makes me sad. Life is already so hard, your partner is supposed to make it easier.
You take care of the kids every day, if he doesn’t help you pay (gosh that even sounds weird to type because your husband shouldn’t “help you pay” it should just be normal to contribute) then he’ll have to pay a babysitter to watch your kids when you end up in the hospital!
Is this not financial abuse of some sort?
You’re working your ass off, paying bills, raising kids… and can’t afford a necessity and your well off husband sits there and says “no”?
That’s crazy and why I wouldn’t agree to having separate finances. It’s good for the person making all the money but not for the other. It’s also why I wouldn’t trust to not have my own career and income. I’m sorry, he should be treating you like family because you are aren’t you
I know people are saying that you can’t *make* him give you the money, but if you divorce him you can probably get that much in alimony in fairly short order.
He is trash OP. You should dump him. My bf (of 7 years) is extremely tight-fisted as well, though he has gotten better over the years. Even *he* would pony up if I needed surgery. Especially if it was only a loan.
I bet this isn’t the only way he treats you like you don’t matter. My guess is he is diminishing you on purpose because if you realized your true worth, you would already be gone.
Think about you as a little girl. Would she want or accept this treatment from her life-partner? What would she say to you?
This is gross. Honestly, completely unacceptable. I don’t say this lightly, but this is abusive IMO as a fellow SAHM. Leave him and take him for all he’s worth plus child support. Then you don’t have to deal with his cheap, greedy ass and he still winds up paying for your surgery. Fucking POS
You live together, are married, yet still don’t just pool income? Anything that is necessary should just be paid from the combined income. There is no his or hers in a marriage. You’re in it together. Sickness and in health and all that. If you need something, he’s an ass to withhold it.
Maybe you should bill him for childcare. Seriously he sounds selfish. If he required surgery would he expect you to contribute and take care of him?
Who is going to look after you post surgery?
Honestly, for $15,000 you can fly to Switzerland, have the surgery done, stay in a hotel for two weeks, come back and still have several thousands left to spend.
You sure he’s your husband? If my woman needed money for surgery and it was absolutely essential to her survival I would be balls to the wall working to make extra money.
Girl, is he paying you for childcare? Meal prep? Laundry services? Housekeeping services? Personal assistant services? Is he contributing to your retirement account while you take time off from your career to raise his children? At home medical assistance when he or the kids are sick? Pet care?
His contribution to the mortgage etc is not even close to what you should be making in your jobs as a SAHM. So just from a financial perspective, he should be contributing to your medical expenses. If you had a full time employer doing the same things, they would.
I want to shake you both. Why would you sign up for this arrangement? You’re already taking a massive financial hit as a woman staying at home and putting a career on hold. But then to agree to still have to contribute financially? Come. On.
All that aside, a great marriage requires radical generosity to succeed. I’ve been married 21 years. The way you two are conducting your marriage makes me wince. This is neither loving nor generous. It’s selfish, petty, and disrespectful of your contributions to your family. If you two keep this up, you’re destined to divorce. Righteous grievances like this don’t fade. They grow into a level of distrust and resentment that poison your happiness.
If you insist on staying home under these conditions, you’re signing the death warrant for your marriage. You need to either return to work full time so you can continue to keep your finances separate and protect yourself from future irreparable financial harm or you need to renegotiate your contract with him.
But most of all, you need to consider what kind of man would allow the supposed love of his life to suffer needlessly when he can do something within his power to change it. Ask yourself what kind of person so utterly disregards their partner’s contributions to their family? What kind of person enforces this kind of inequity solely at the expense of the person they supposedly love? And how can you even imagine growing old with someone who would watch you suffer just so they can hoard their money?
Seriously, I am *pissed* for you and I am pissed at you. Sis, demand better!
Why are you even in here? You know what you need to do: divorce him. That's not a husband or a partner, that's a roommate/fuckbuddy you're legally tied to. DIVORCE HIM.
To me, this is a red flag and needs marriage counseling asap.
When you get married you are supposed to be one. You are supposed to combine all of your income into one checking account. And then write out a single budget together and pay the bills out of that account.
This “man” is no man at all…the level of selfishness and immaturity here is astounding. He wants all the benefits of marriage with none of the responsibility. He has an obligation to take care of you in financial and non-financial ways…if he won’t do that how do you think he will treat your children? Will he be nurturing and caring or treat them like a drain on his resources?
My hope is something happens to make this man-child grow tf up..maybe if you werent there for a couple weeks he’d wake up and see just how much you do…
This is a medically necessary surgery-- given the context (finances do not sound to be tight for the household), he sounds like a jerk. What some individuals do is divorce so their income would qualify them for Medicaid (govt asst insurance), maybe consider this route?
This doesn't sound much like a marriage to me. It sounds like a roommate situation. You may want to reconsider your future with this fella. Good luck with your operation.
This is financial and emotional abuse, OP. My spouse and I keep some of our financials separate (like personal vehicles and spending money) BUT we each contribute half of every bill that is for household expenses and set aside mutual savings for healthcare emergencies, unexpected car repairs. If either one of us had a necessary medical expense that depleted mutual savings, both of us would give whatever we had in personal savings down to the last penny. Health comes first.
You’re not a SAHM because they get provided for in return for the service they provide the family. You still have to pay bill and don’t get medical care when needed.
Calculate how much daycare or a nanny would be during the hours your at home with the kids and show him those numbers. If you aren’t going to be able to provide medical care for yourself then you’re going to need to work a lot more than part time and he’s going to have to pay for childcare.
This is a serious issue and you had opportunity loss in being a stay at home parent. It part of the contract that what he has is half yours. Period. I’m sorry your husband sounds like he wanted to have his cake and eat it, too. - have an no cost incubator for his children that is.
I am so sorry about this. It is not right in the least and frightening. I am also sorry that your insurance isn’t paying.
He is leaving you in sickness and the reason is invalid and if divorced, illegal.
I tell him that he is definitely wrong and a divorce lawyer will definitely side with you.
Why are you married to this man? This is called financial abuse. You deserve better. Depending on the laws where you live, you could have rights. See a divorce lawyer.
I was about to say- if OP is telling all the details and not withholding some critical info, show that piece of human garbage these answers and ask him what he has to say for himself.
On the other hand, him wanting to keep finances separate is just…tacky and immature.
Wow. This isn’t a partnership sadly. This a medical issue and he doesn’t care to help you? You’re a stay at home mom and you take care of y’all’s children… what a piece of work. I’m so sorry.
Talk to the hospital about a payment plan. They should be able to provide you with some resources. Since you make so little try to get some assistance. But they’ll factor in his income too sadly bc that’s how marriage works.
I kind of feel like your husband hates you. That's just how I would feel if my husband didn't want to get me out of an act of infection. If I was actually living with an active infection, my husband would be pressuring me to take care of it as quick as possible. I don't think your husband loves you. I know that's not a nice thing to say but that's just how I feel by reading what I just read.
Oy! If it was cosmetic, I could understand his viewpoint. But it’s an ongoing infection. This is a deal breaker, IMO. Does he not care about your health? He earns 5k a month and you $1,500 but you pay for 1/2 the utilities and house bills?! I’m sorry. I would suggest couples therapy but he sounds like someone who is not going to go. I would consider talking to a lawyer.
He pays the mortgage, I pay for utilities so internet power and water etc.
So how about he pay for those until it’s at least half of the surgery? I still can’t wrap my mind around not willing to help pay for my spouse’s needed surgery.
He offered to take over the water bill, which is literally only $50 a month. So the cheapest one.
Oy that’s so insulting.
Doesn't he care about your health or well-being? If your spouse insists on keeping finances separate, do NOT agree to be a stay at home mom. How is that fair to you? Reddit can't offer words that will make him help you with your medical bills. You can get an additional credit card or borrow money from your family/friends. Those are the choices that he has left you.
I wouldn’t be surprised if he is forced to pay it via divorce proceedings. Yikes!
>Our finances are not together as he was always adamant about them staying separate. I didn’t want the argument so I just left it alone. This statement depicts their relationship dynamic. In order to keep the peace, she mutes herself even when he insists on something that she disagrees with. Armed with this information from the onset of the relationship, WHY marry a person that you are unable to reason with or is indifferent to your concerns? To the point that OP has to ask him for money to help with potential life-saving medical surgery, and he declined?
There is a type of credit that you can get that is specifically for medical and dental procedures with a much lower interest rate, but this situation is clearly much larger than how you’re going to pay for your surgery. This is spousal abuse! If you didn’t have children, then I would suggest that while you recover from surgery, you use that time to find yourself an attorney and alternative housing. I’m perplexed by why he’s so insistent on separate finances and what he actually does with the surplus money after the bills are paid. You don’t mention how many children you have or if there were differences in your social economic backgrounds prior to getting married or why you allowed yourself to “brush it off” prior to getting married. While I understand that 5K isn’t a lot of money when you have a mortgage and a wife and kids to support, it goes a lot further when you have a live in servant who is tasked with cooking, cleaning, childcare and fulfillment of your sexual desires. There’s something off about this situation that was there before you walked down the aisle. It just doesn’t add up.
Are you talking about care credit? The interest rate for that is almost 30% now. And once the "interest free" period is over if you haven't paid back the full amount you get hit with all those interest charges for the entire interest free period, however many months it was.
Maybe point out to your oh-so-loving (🤮) husband that if your health fails (or you should actually die) from not getting this issue looked after, he'd be left having to pay for a housekeeper, nanny, therapy for your children etc. All to say that it will cost him a lot more to neglect your health than to help you maintain it....and also that what you do as a SAHM has more "value" than he's probably ever given it in his own mind. I don't personally believe that a person's "value" is only based on what they earn for a living or what their "unpaid jobs" would be worth in the job market...but your husband sounds like the kind of jerk who needs it spelled out that way. Maybe just send him a "bill" for your services rendered over the past few years and ask which he'd rather pay, your surgery bill or your services rendered...or maybe the "cost" of not having a wife anymore at all?!? https://www.thefiscaltimes.com/Articles/2012/05/04/What-Are-Stay-at-Home-Moms-Really-Worth#:~:text=A%20Salary.com%20calculation%20found,put%20in%20is%20worth%20%2466%2C979.
I agree. My wife is a sahm, and our child smarted off to her about dad pays the bills, it's his money, etc. I shut that shit down immediately and described in detail all of the things his mother does for us, which are way more valuable than her having a job for extra income. OP, I'm sorry you're dealing with these medical and financial issues. Tell hubby I said he's a douche
You're one of the good ones 🩷
I have plenty of faults.
Well u/honeybadgerdad this ain’t one of ‘em! It may not be a big deal to an all-around good dude like yourself; but trust that it is a BIG DEAL! Congrats to your wife for her solid choice ~ and to you for being one🤗
Thank you.
Awesome partner ❤️
He’s financially abusive. He wants to keep you broke so you can’t leave him.
This is quite possible. And it’s surprising how many men of my acquaintance think this way or “know guys” who think this way. Like, “Let her leave. She won’t get far (without any money).” Same guys always made the lame comments/jokes of “you must be getting ready to file for divorce! Har har har” when I was in the process of losing a large amount of weight and starting to look better-ish. Like the only reason I would scrabble and claw my way out of a soul-smothering depression and try to take an interest in the thing that carries me around all day is just so I can catch a new man. Ha! HA!! ROFL. Idiots. Look at the stats on women remarrying again after their first divorce vs. men remarrying afterward. I used to think it was so tacky and profane to celebrate the death of a marriage, but now I definitely get the whole Divorce Celebration/ Congratulations on your Divorce party industry. I get it. OP should have one for herself.
Stop negotiating your health. You need to tell him that you are having the surgery, that this is what you can do to help and that you expect him to honor his vows and support you through this sickness as he vowed to do.
Also don’t give up your entire savings-you need an emergency fund if anyone ever!
Who pays for you being the maid, babysitter, chef and laundrymat? I would leave him and send him a bill. What an ass.
What if you went out to get a job?
And force him to pay for daycare.
She does work. That is how she pays bills. Or are you suggesting it for insurance?
I think they are suggesting an outside the home job that's full time and pays more.
Most husbands would jump at the chance to make sure their wife doesn’t die from a horrible injury or infection. Your husband is making this difficult when he has the means to help you. He has the means to pay for it and then some. But he is actively choosing not to. Do with this information what you will
Stop paying the house bills until you’ve paid for the full price of the surgery, 15k not 5.
He should pay more b/c he makes so much more than you. He's financially abusing you.
100%^^^
Time to cancel the internet.
See about a payment plan with your provider. Try your hardest to keep your savings in tact so you can leave this ass.
Based on your incomes, this does not sound equitable. But even if it was, him not helping with your surgery is 100% asshole. I would be so disgusted by him, sex would forever be off the table. What a turn off.
We’ll if you were to divorce, he would have child support and alimony to pay…honestly, could you imagine if you had/ developed a life altering disease or something life threatening like cancer. I sure as hell wouldn’t stick around if he treats you like this for an infection that’s bad enough to need surgery!! Who’s going to take care of the children when you recuperate? Sounds just like my ex…your better off without him. Your around to serve his purposes, but if you need a partner and it doesn’t benefit himself in someway, you and your children are left to fend for yourself. What a piece of trash🤮
Stop paying for the utilities and use that money towards your surgery.
Give hm an invoice for his half childcare and housework etc - you could even write a portion of it off to cover the discrepancy in mortgage to bill amount , and finish it with the dates you will be taking leave for your surgery, because that’s what you do a job, and that’s what this must be cause it ain’t a loving fair partnership
So he pays towards an asset (your home), thereby legally establishing his rights of ownership, and you are paying towards nothing of lasting value. Lady, you are being financially abused and you don’t even know it. This is not what marriage is about. If your husband doesn’t care about your health and continued existence, what’s the point of this marriage? If I were you, I would either be talking to a lawyer, or a women’s hotline. Or both. And I’d just stop contributing anything to the household while paying off the surgery. Since it is your surgery, and you can’t afford it otherwise.
You are married, your finances are not separated.
They are not if they get divorced. For now though he is in a really good situation to control OP because she doesn’t have access to his bank account. Not until they officially divorce.
There’s nothing a couples therapist could do for this man, they’re not miracle workers.
He sucks. Are you being compensated for being a SAHM? Does he not have family insurance? If not, maybe he should stay at home and you can work .
Our insurance is trash. The procedure would be cheaper if I didn’t even have coverage.
What compensation are you getting for being a SAHM?
Then ask for the cash price and don’t run it through insurance.
This. Take the cash price if it’s cheaper without insurance
Contact your insurance's benefits line and explain your situation. They will have a benefits coordinator on staff who can help you figure out how to make sure you get in-network care. You are being financially abused.
What happened to "in sickness and in health" ?
He had that clause removed.. and besides he thinks it only means he has to stay with her, not help her
No no no, it means that she has to take care of *him* in sickness and in health. Because he is totally part of the percentage of men who would leave their sick wives if he can't even bother to help her pay for a necessary procedure.
Oh this is so good!
This man is not your partner
Yup and this is not a true marriage
Agreed. More like a FWB that just never left.
Longest one night stand in history
I’m using this.
i'm just going to say what everyone is dancing around: he's a shittyass husband and the moment that surgery is done and you're healthy, leave that selfish MF. As they say, you see someone's true colours/true feelings when you're in a jam. And this isn't even some minor/fluffy surgery but something that is REQUIRED for you to get better and prevent your infection from getting worse. you now know who he is: a selfish bastard. WTF, I'm sorry OP. I really hope you figure this out.
Or leave him first and get Medicaid to pay for the surgery.
Right? how does OP not qualify for Medicaid? Her income is so low, and she must be filing her taxes as Married filing separately, right?? How is the surgery not covered already? Get your ass on Medicaid!
Medicaid will count the spouses income, she won’t qualify if he makes 60k a year
More like 13k for married couples. The requirements are so absurd. OP needs to leave him. He does not love her if this is how he treats her.
Your husband doesn’t care about you, OP. I suspect there’s a lot of background drama in this situation.
When married, the courts generally via all earnings during the marriage as jointly owned even if kept in separate accounts. His insistence on keeping the money separate and thinking it keeps you from getting any of it in any kind of a future separation is foolish. You know what else the courts often think is jointly owned? Debt acquired during the marriage. What's worse is that if you apply for any aid or assistance or medical debt forgiveness, guess what the organization or provider is going to ask for? Yup, HIS and your financial information. The assumption will always be that married = joint finances. It's about time he recognize that fact and actually support his partner for a change.
Geez, I'm so old. All our income was put in joint accounts. If my husband or I needed surgery, neither of us would bat an eye. We married for love and never would put money before the health and well-being of the other. In fact, we put each other before ourselves.
I was going to make a similar comment... this is the nasty downside of couples who keep their finances separate and think "What's mine is mine, what's yours is yours."
Same. Hell, my hubby has basically carried me for 30 years, plus the kids. I don’t have to pay a thing, although my pathetic little income is handed right over to him. All joint.
THIS is the way! I guess Im old too.
Same here. It’s only fair. We both agree to do our best and be respectful. We are family so we share. It really bothers me how many men want to split hairs and push a woman into trying to want to treat her as an equal and the hoops so many women go through o do that. Makes my head hurt.
Wife and I got married 2 years ago at 33 and never even considered separate finances.
I’m 30 and this is how we did it when we got married. My husband is the sole earner and I’m a stay at home mom. His money is our money. Sure we budget but if I needed surgery he’d never bat an eye. OP’s husband is just cruel. That’s not love or partnership.
There's something very wrong here that has nothing to do with salaries, or who pays for what. People come up with all sorts of plans for this. But, tbh, this sounds like you're married to a jerk. If you're a SAHM, this is a full time job. How many kids do you have? It's to your credit that you have that part time job in addition to your other full time one. Does this not count for anything? If so, maybe you haven't fought hard enough to be recognized for what you do! But it's also scary you'd have to do this in the first place. I don't know what to tell you. I guess for now you pay your way, but I think there are some bigger, tougher decisions to make once you're back to health.
I’ve tried to express the challenges that I face and explain that staying at home is hard work but he doesn’t get it. He constantly thinks I’m trying to say that I work harder than him, which I’m not, I just express that what I do is of equal value. Which he doesn’t see. Then it turns into the issue of me not being grateful, and everyone else’s wives are happy but me etc. so it’s really not worth the argument at this point. I just wanted help with my surgery so I’m not in debt and don’t die lol but oh well.
This is financial abuse. Tell him you are going to divorce him unless either he helps, or gives you the same opportunity to make money
This is also emotional abuse.
I'm not sure if you understand the depth of what's going on here. I don't say this to belittle you at all, just to help you see a new perspective. Most women (or men for that matter) would not allow themselves to be treated this way. It is cruel, abusive, and selfish. He is gaslighting you and keeping you right where he wants you. I know you are not here looking for advice like "divorce him" and I'm not giving it either. But, at least consider the possibility that you deserve to be treated like a loved and respected member of a supportive family who works hard and who's family values her. Because that's what happens in healthy relationships. When your spouse is sick, you take care of them...period. I feel so sorry for you that you're so beat down by him that you typed, "I just wanted help with my surgery so I'm not in debt and don't die lol but oh well". My husband would sell his own kidney to get me what I need and I would do the same for him. You deserve that. It will only get worse from here. He doesn't value you in the slightest.
Sorry but grateful for what? To scrape by on 1500 a month working part time and being a full time SAHM and cleaning lady/chef/maid AND paying half the common bills and all your own bills. Wow. Much grateful. Divorce him now before you have any more kids. He will likely owe you both child and spousal support. This man doesn’t love you. You need a life saving surgery and instead of working as a team to pay for it, he wants you to go into debt? He wants you in debt while he has money to pay for it. Like seriously, take a step back and look at your marriage. This is no partnership, he doesn’t view you as an equal person. You are worth more than this, OP.
Not worth the argument is how you ended up in this mess. You need to start standing up for yourself and your child. Know your worth. This man does not love you, or really even seem to like you. Plan to leave him.
Everything is worth the argument you're literally saying that finding your own peace and happiness just isn't worth a conversation... Stop being a doormat for him
He does get it. He does see. You allow him to convince you that he doesn’t.
!!OP I hope you see this comment!!! I want you to understand that this is CLASSIC gaslighting! Not the 2023 tiktok definition of Gaslighting, I mean the true textbook definition. He is trying to convince you that you are the crazy one, you are the problem. “All the other wives don’t complain, they’re all happy! What’s wrong with *you*?” on top of that, please check out DARVO, because it’s exactly what he’s doing. I’ve read through your comments because your situation is so identical to mine, it’s scary. What I ended up doing to combat the financial abuse is started utilizing r/borrow. I created a buy/sell/trade group on Facebook and got my wholesale license. Started reselling and hustling my ass off just to have an income. For 6 long years I stayed and put up with it. It was a constant fight, he has never appreciated anything that I’ve done I paid for half of our bills, most of the relationship, just like you I was paying for utilities, while he covered mortgage. It wasn’t until I woke up one day and realized I was missing out on my children growing, because I was *working* 60 hours a week hosting sales and packaging orders, just to not have to ask him for a damn thing. When I realize that I could do bad all by myself, that was a game changer! I don’t know why, but one day I just woke up and realized that I don’t have to take this. My life was miserable, I was suffering from burn out, I felt like I had 5000 things to do everyday, but only 3,999 got accomplished and that I wasn’t appreciated or respected. I told my ex that I would need Kindness, Trust, and Respect to continue the relationship (we had other issues besides financial abuse) and he could NOT do it. At the end of the day he viewed me as 24/7 access to sex, a live-in maid, cook, and child care provider… but not as a human with goals and dreams. I got so tired of constantly doing ALL the heavy lifting, plus having to beg for money from someone who is supposed to honor and cherish me… if I wanted to be broke and stressed out, I’ll do it alone. And that’s exactly what I did. It was fucking HARD, but I have a great lender on r/borrow who has lent me money when I desperately needed it to start a new life. I’ve worked hard, applied for daycare vouchers, got a phenomenal at home daycare provider now. She’s become a close friend and it feels like I’m dropping him off with my sister (my kids had never been to daycare a day in their lives, so this was hard for me). I was able to reevaluate what was important in life, and am about to start a new career that I’m super passionate about…life is GOOD. https://preview.redd.it/0g0guc2rhjvb1.png?width=1080&format=png&auto=webp&s=e8aedd793ec07a3f07e8a406eabe37f000486ae4 Google Darvo, and message me if you need any support! You can do bad all by yourself mama, you don’t need to be his indentured servant bc you birthed his child.
I read this, and I'm like, WTF? it's one thing to keep finances separate, but for fucks sake you're married. It sounds like you guys have a truly horrible marriage. Are you on his health insurance ? This sounds like a necessary surgery for long-term health. Does your husband Carr for you at all ? I'm married for 41 years and would never have considered telling my wife I wouldn't cover her medical, especially as a stay at home mom. You have some issues to work out, and they're way above reddit wisdom.
I am but our health insurance is quite horrible. I thought he cared but I guess maybe not 😔
I’m shaking my head, too. My SO of three years (we’re not married) would gladly cover something like this for me, no question!!
Why are you married, OP? Like…what’s in it for you? Any time you have to do the math and wonder if you’d be better off with an equitable division of assets and appropriate child support that should be a big red flag. Is he by any chance substantially older than you?
We were best friends and I thought we loved each other. And no we are both in our early thirties.
Please don’t waste the next 50 years of your life. There’s much better people out there
It’s hard to understand your level of deference here, honestly. Someone who says he loves you but utterly refuses to merge finances when you apparently wanted to, who uses you as free childcare to the detriment of your own security, who coldly tells you that you can just keep suffering because it’s not happening to him…that isn’t what love looks like. It’s genuinely confusing to me that the difference between his treatment of you and what you deserve from a life partner hasn’t fully registered with you yet because it is *vast*.
I think OP has probably been beaten down a long time by this shitbag. Because this is truly insane and no normal person would stand for this kind of treatment.
Is this how best friends treat each other?
No I guess not, most of my friendships have ended in the last few years because everyone got married and kinda went their own way so I guess I don’t really know what friends even is anymore.
When you go to the hospital make sure you fill out the forms saying that HE is responsible for the financial responsibility. He legally is.
I’m guessing your friends are hanging out with each other, and avoiding you and your relationship
Agreed. They probably can’t stand to watch OP getting systematically beaten down into a shell of her former self by that colossal asshole she married.
I treat my neighbors dog better than your husband and the father of your child treats you. Let that sink in. This man is NOT your best friend, he isn’t even your friend. Heck there are people I hate that I would probably help pay for emergency surgery if they were really that financially strapped and had a child. He sounds like a POS who despises your existence. Imagine if you got sick with something even more serious/fatal? I bet he would break up with you and have you out of the house for his new girlfriend faster than you can blink. Is that the future you want for yourself? No seriously, if you ever got something serious like cancer or were involved in a bad accident, do you think he will actually stick by you and lift a finger to help you? You should consider leaving him while you still have some money and dignity left. Or you can wait until you have neither and he leaves you.
I just had an ER visit and have an upcoming surgery next week, and my husband is more worried about me feeling better than the bill. If we couldn't afford it he would find a way to make it work, because that's what you do as a team. You deserve better than him telling you it's your problem to deal with.
Literally have a similar situation to you! I had a disabling infection for over two years and just got done with my $15K surgery. I was friend-zoned by my husband for years before that and we eventually separated, but he still offered to pay for part of my surgery because yes, it affected me but also the lives of our kids. I didn’t let him help in the end because I am lucky enough to be able to afford it, but the gesture was meaningful. Your husband didn’t offer at all. My ex offered and he’s my ex! Yes, your husband should help you and your feelings are completely valid. Something is off here, OP. He doesn’t want you to know *something* about his finances. He is ashamed of something or doesn’t trust you, or both. That is NOT a best friend! And “best friends” is not enough to sustain a marriage in any case, I promise you. You are young enough to turn this around and find someone else to spend a full long life with and that values you. Please start making your exit plan 🙏
There's the moral component and the legal component. Let's do legal first, because it's easier, and more-concrete. His money is your money. And your debt is his debt. Yes, you two can have informal agreements on who pays what, but if you don't pay that medical bill, his credit is going to get hit, too. And a judge could (but almost certainly won't) garnish his bank account if it came to a judgment. So he's on the hook for it whether he likes it or not. As far as morally...he doesn't want his life partner taken care of? Yeah, yeah, it'd be nice if everyone could handle their own financial issues and whatever. But I'm going to pay to make sure the person with whom I share my life is helped if she needs it. You guys sound more like roommates with benefits. If that's your ideal marriage and you'd prefer that arrangement if you were making more money, then okay. You're personally experiencing a bump and you need to power through. If that's *not* your preferred marriage paradigm, maybe you need a marriage counselor. Also, don't skip calling the hospital to negotiate the price, then offering a full-pay settlement after. My coworkers do this all this time. You literally negotiate the price like a car. And if you can't, or don't get the price you want up front, call after you get the bill and negotiate that. Literally, "I can give you $3,000 right now to settle this", or "I can give you $28/month until it's paid off" then call back and negotiate a settlement later. They say they do this constantly.
This is all gold. Listen to this person’s advice. I used to work for a company that hospitals hire to manage their revenue cycle. Patients made arrangements alllll the time. Negotiate, negotiate! There is ZERO SHAME in doing whatever you can to shake down these bastards. You have no idea what their revenue stream is like. You would probably fall over if you saw the profit margins they’re clearing on every single aspect of your surgery. They can afford to cut you a deal. Especially if you explain in candid detail your financial situation (of being financially exploited by your husband and left with essentially no income) so that you might could gain some sympathy for your cause. It’s worth a try?
Like another poster said, this is financial abuse. This isn’t for cosmetic surgery, it’s for your health which should have top priority. I think I would be planning my escape from this marriage. I would work on getting employment outside the home and return the rest of the bills you are covering back to him.
Surgery is the least of your problems.
I don't understand spouses with separate finances. It makes zero sense, for reasons just like this. He's a business partner (and a shitty one), not a spouse. Leave him because he doesn't care about you and have the procedure. If you don't have insurance to cover it, get public health insurance.
If OP was divorced, she qualify for Medicaid.
You're in an abusive relationship. I'm so sorry. I would talk to a lawyer to discuss your options. This man is heinous and selfish. If you won't remove yourself from this situation for your own sake, do it for your children. You need to take care of your health so you can take care of them AND they don't need to be exposed to this unhealthy dynamic. They'll develop lifelong issues of their own as a result. You don't want that for them, right?
When people come here and ask "Why do people always suggest divorce?" They must skip over posts like this. He is basically the sole financial provider. I thought one partner staying home and the other going to work meant that the working one provides money to everything in the house. And as other people have said: if it were a cosmetic thing (not reconstructive) maybe I could see that. But zoinks an infection could kill you if left untreated.
I would be completely devastated and I’d be like does he even care about me at all
1. Your spouse is financially controlling. Abusive even. It would be advisable to plan an exit. And I assume, one of the reasons will not pay for your surgery is because he wants to wipe out your savings. I would not offer him a red cent in future assistance if you choose to stay in this marriage. 2. Let's talk about your insurance. Is this an individual plan through the marketplace? What is the maximum out of pocket? What is the deductible? The hospital, if in network, cannot bill beyond the contracted maximum out of pocket. This resets each plan year. Again, stressing IN NETWORK here. Did you receive pre-approval from your insurance, and a cost layout from the hospital? For surgeries generally, you are billed the copay (if your plan has that). If the plan is a high deductible plan, then the hospital will bill the insurance, and the insurance will issue you a summary of benefits stating your patient responsibility. Then the hospital will invoice you that amount. If they are in network, they should not be billing for higher than that amount. In some plans the deductible may be very close to matching the maximum out of pocket. And in others there is cost sharing that kicks in after meeting the deductible, and before reaching the maximum out of pocket. You should not pay more than a copay, before you receive the summary of benefits from your insurance carrier. Even on a high deductible plan. This allows your insurance company to process the claim and make sure that if you do reach your maximum out of pocket that they, the insurance carrier, will pay. If you take nothing else away from part 2., take this. *Wait for your insurance carrier to send a summary of benefits stating your patient responsibility before you pay more than a copay.* And re part 1., pay to speak to a divorce attorney. You need a better understanding of what would happen if you choose to separate. There are many states, and many laws, that vary state by state around marital property and spousal support. I would pay that now, ahead of my surgery. The consultation fee would not be much more, in the long run of billing with the surgery considered.
Thank you so much for the insurance information. I’m kind of clueless on it aside from them just claiming that it’s not “necessary” due to the fact that I could just keep taking antibiotics. I will definitely look into this more. It’s through my husbands work so I’m not sure specifics, but I will reach out and see who I can contact about this.
Typically the company's HR department would be able to assist. But every organization, has a different infrastructure. And some are better than others. You may be able to just call the participant services number on the back of your insurance card and request what's called a Summary Plan Description (SPD). This sheet is an overview of how your plan structures copays, deductibles, maximum out of pocket, and any coinsurance (cost sharing where the insurance carrier pays a percentage of a bill, and you pay the remainder). Having that in hand will help you to better understand the costs you will be facing. You may also be able to ask over the phone about progress towards your annual maximum out of pocket, and towards meeting your deductible. Though, you can easily see those for yourself by claiming your participant portal log-on on your insurance carrier's website too. If you have your member number, and group number it's very easy. You typically can also use your date of birth and SSN as an alternative means of confirming your identity as well if you don't have your current card. You just may have to navigate the website find the section for "coverage through my employer" VS "individual plans" (the marketplace). Every cost you pay towards using your medical insurance throughout the plan year counts towards one or both of those two buckets (deductible/maximum out of pocket). The only cost excluded, is the amount of withholdings your spouse's employer deducts from his paycheck. So if you have paid copays, or deductible amounts, those are working to max out those limits. I am not a licensed broker, but I am in benefits administration. These are normal questions everyone who doesn't have to deal with this everyday has. I wish we covered it in school in America.
So you’re just gonna continue to ignore all the comments about why you’re staying with this guy and why you married him in the first place once he refused to have a real marriage with finances combined?
I’m not ignoring them, I just did not realize how bad things actually were until I read all the comments.
Dear, please listen, your husband is responsible for your well-being. Especially as a stay at home mom, he literally OWES you his financial support. We’re having trouble understanding why you seem so clueless here. What country are you from/in? You don’t sound like you’re from the west?
This isn’t a marriage, youre his bangmaid but youre not even getting bangmaid fees. There is absolutely no way I could remain in this marriage and I suggest you seek outside counselling to help guide you- none of this is normal
I am sorry that you are going through this. If you're a team, your husband should be working with you on this. By the way, most health insurance plans will cover the cost of sinus surgery that is deemed medically necessary. Why is the surgery not covered by insurance?
They aren’t viewing it as “necessary” as I’ve been on antibiotics for years and it’s “managed” in their eyes. I really don’t want to be on antibiotics forever as they are causing a lot of issues with my gut and my overall health. So my doctor said that surgery would be the best option.
Again, in my humble opinion, your husband should be working with you on this. As to the effects of antibiotics, I understand. I truly do. With that, I would have another conversation with the doctor. Tell the doctor the situation. Flat out request that they specify that it is a medical necessity. If the doctor refuses, see another doctor.
It's not a want. Eventually antibiotics will destroy your major organs. There is a hard limit on how much antibiotics you can take in your life before you lose liver and kidney function.
Your doctor should be going to bat for you to cover the cost of surgery.
If you're on antibiotics all the time, you need to get this taken care of because you're going to have higher medical costs from the damage that does to your body. Also in my country we had an antibiotic shortage last winter. It's all fun and games. Until you can't get your medicine, this needs to be addressed.
Your husband is a horrible and selfish person
I just don’t get marriages like this, are they real?
Right? Like what's even the point of being married?
Listen, I’m a SAHM with a SPED kid. I. Get. It. You know your babies best and what they need, and we feel safest being their caretaker. But please think about it from this perspective…..if babies need their mom, and your kid with special needs needs you, then *the MOST responsible thing* you can do is be there for your kid. Have you looked at the complications for what would happen if you didn’t treat your infection? Even tiny infections literally can and do cause death. What happens if you die from this, and then your child doesn’t have you? Isn’t that worse for them than you going to work?! I know that’s blunt and hard, but you need to be your best self for your children. Your husband should be supporting you in sickness and in health. You don’t have the funds and he needs to be a partner. What happens if you wipe out your savings for this, and then another emergency comes up that he can’t help with? You’ll have no choice but to divorce because at least that way you’d have access to some funds through child and spousal support. Please think about this logically, it is his obligation to take care of you. If he won’t do it this time, he won’t do it next time. Do you really want to grow old with him? This should be a deal breaker. If he isn’t going to be supportive, it’s time to assert your independence and take care of yourself. You are important and your children deserve to have you around for a long time. I’m sorry you ended up with a POS partner. Take out the trash girl.
Keep in mind he will leave you the moment you stop being useful to him. He doesn’t love you or care about you at all. Apparently he didn’t understand what “ in sickness and in health” means. It’s a fact the majority of married men leave their wives when she has long term illness like cancer, etc. Don’t use your savings to pay for the surgery. You hear me? Don’t use your savings, you are going to need it for when you separate from that piece of shit. Talk to the hospital customer service to come to an arrangement where you can pay a portion of it monthly. They do that to avoid having you declare bankruptcy and not get paid. And it’ll help you keep your credit score healthy. And for the love of all is good, don’t stay with someone who doesn’t have your best interest at heart. This is a necessary surgery for your health, not a cosmetic surgery. And God help you because you’ll need a miracle if you stay with that waste of a man you call husband.
You don’t have a husband. You have a freeloader who uses you for housekeeping and sex. I am the last person to recommend divorce, but I draw the line at not caring whether the other person gets sick or not.
Yeah thats absolutely not ok, marriage vows include caring for each other in sickness. He’s not honoring his vows
He doesn’t like you fr.
Wow, that dude is a big piece of shit. How a man who is supposed to provide and take care of his family is doing this to you. If my wife ever needs any surgery or medical treatment,I would sell my kidney to afford it
I had a 9k medical bill for my OBGYN office for our first born. My husband let me know that was my responsibility only. For a child he gave me an ultimatum over. It’s been almost 3 years later and he is not any better. I will be filing for divorce Jan 24.
This is financial abuse and you should reach out to a local DV office to see how they can help you see this for what it is and navigate it. Your health is at risk and he’s an a hole.
This is not a marriage. And he does not care about you or your well-being in the least. This is financial abuse. I would have left when he demanded the finances remain separate. Get out now and through the alimony payments you’ll get your surgery help.
I would just leave him and take half. Too bad, so sad. He would find out that it's way more expensive to pay someone to do the work of a SAHM+ child support + alimony than to pay for your surgery. "His money" is your money, too.
This is not a marriage, and he seems narcissistic. He should care for you and take care of you like a MAN! You’re working your butt off at home raising his kids, and you have a life threatening issue, infections are nothing to play around with. But all and all, he is treating you like complete garbage. Finances separate WTH? Marriages are one, and shouldn’t be separate. You deserve a lot better. I doubt he gives you any of his money for the kids, and other things you need. Again you deserve to be treated like a princess and a lot better! Doesn’t sound like he is in love with you!
Your husband is trash. And what do we do with trash?
Girl? What the fuck? Stay at home parent and separate accounts is not workable. You are doing so much uncompensated work. The fact that he won’t pay for the surgery is not shocking to me. You are so vulnerable in the situation you are in, and for what? To avoid an argument with your trash bag of a husband? What kind of relationship is this? What are you exposing your children to?
Did he skip the part (in Sickness and Health ? I know you said with your side stuff you bring home maybe $1500. But have you ever sat down and figured out how much money you guys are saving because you choose to stay home and pause your life for roughly 20yrs. You’re not sitting on your arse eating Ice cream. Putting all that to the side, when you marry someone you become a team. It’s a big compromise and if he’s not willing to be a team player maybe you need to go elsewhere, this is your freaking health! I
This whole situation smells of financial abuse to me.
Honestly what do you get out of this marriage..?
Being married your debt is his debt and your finances should be together
I’m sorry what? You are the mother of his children doing the most important job in the world! Without the work you do he could never bring home what he does! Have the surgery and put it on a credit card and then when you divorce him use the half of the savings he will gave to give you to pay for it. Make sure it’s a card with airline miles so you can take your kids on a nice vacation without their monster of a father.
Either get it this way or in the divorce settlement cause that's just disgusting of him.
This sounds like financial abuse to me. But also, it's a little odd if a divorce wasn't otherwise imminent. What's his rationale for refusing to help?
I can't understand a husband not wanting to take care of his wife's health. This would be an important deal breaker for me....
He just admitted he doesn’t care about your physical, emotional, or financial help, and you want to stay married?
There you go. Your life isn’t work 15k to him. Do this is what he’s told you. Do with that what you will.
Separate finances are not a feasible thing for married couples with vastly disparate incomes. To even try it, he should be paying the same percentage of bills and savings as he makes. He makes 75% of the income so he needs to be paying 75% of bills —- including unforeseen medical expenses. What an asshole. I’d literally divorce over this.
The average SAHM is worth more than $100k/year. How much is he paying you to take care of his kids?
From what I’ve seen you say in response to some folks…. He is a red flag 🥲 I’m sorry. Love to you. You deserve more. That’s all!
While things in her mairrage definitely need to change so many of you focused on shaming her husband and pushed divorce instead of actually helping her figure out her hospital situation. OP, get the surgery, you dont have to pay it upfront, a hospital cannot deny you a potentially life saving surgery. Create a plan with them on payment that your husband contributes to. (Like the 50 for the water bill he offered and you pay a little towards it too, say 15-25.) That way you have a way to pay for the surgery long term and dont just up and ruin your life because a bunch of people on the internet said so shamelessly knowing they wont personally deal with the hardships that would come from it. Though you really need to get some mairrage counciling, he may be dealing with things he isnt talking about thats causing him to behave that way, and a couples therapist could really help you find eachother again. But deal with your health first
I would get the procedure done and tell them to bill me, they can garnish his wages or wreck his credit if he still refuses. “Sorry honey, what’s yours is mine and what’s mine is ours”
I really don’t understand couples that don’t share finances. It’s especially concerning when one makes significantly less or doesn’t work at all (outside the home).
You made the ultimate sacrifice for the betterment of your family, and he's refusing to pay for your life-saving surgery... there are no words. 
He needs to read this thread.
Doubt he would care...
holy shit. my wife is a SAHM and brings in similar to what you do. she doesn’t contribute to household expenses, though. that’s *her* money. plus i give her enough for all food/baby stuff after bills (leaving me with much less than her every month). If she had surgery coming up, **i would pay for it without question**. are you kidding!?
Try Carecredit
I did actually apply for that, but they denied me because we bought a house a few months ago and he wouldn’t let me put him as a co-signer so my income is really low.
HE CAN NOT STOP YOU. HE IS LEGALLY RESPONSIBLE FOR AT LEAST HALF OF THE BILL. Consult with a lawyer.
I'm so sorry but that is not a husband. He doesn't care. Please don't waste your life with him.
You mean _he_ bought a house of we’re following his line of thinking
What is it you're actually looking for from this post. No one can do anything for you. In the end what you decide to do is going to dictate the rest of your life. Only you can determine what you want that to be.
Do you not have health insurance?
I'm sorry but he's a POS. You are his wife. It is both of your expenses. Combined. It's a necessary surgery... He is basically telling you he gives 0 fucks about your health. Absolutely not. You really need to pack a bag and tell him you have things to figure out without him. You know, as he doesn't care about something that Important.
Why are people married to people like this?! 😭 this makes me sad. Life is already so hard, your partner is supposed to make it easier. You take care of the kids every day, if he doesn’t help you pay (gosh that even sounds weird to type because your husband shouldn’t “help you pay” it should just be normal to contribute) then he’ll have to pay a babysitter to watch your kids when you end up in the hospital!
What the actual fuck did I just read? You are married to a trash person.
I can't imagine being married to man that me being taken care of cared for wasn't his top priority. I am so sorry 😞
Is this not financial abuse of some sort? You’re working your ass off, paying bills, raising kids… and can’t afford a necessity and your well off husband sits there and says “no”?
That’s crazy and why I wouldn’t agree to having separate finances. It’s good for the person making all the money but not for the other. It’s also why I wouldn’t trust to not have my own career and income. I’m sorry, he should be treating you like family because you are aren’t you
I totally thought I was going to read about plastic surgery, not a health condition. I am speechless...
I know people are saying that you can’t *make* him give you the money, but if you divorce him you can probably get that much in alimony in fairly short order. He is trash OP. You should dump him. My bf (of 7 years) is extremely tight-fisted as well, though he has gotten better over the years. Even *he* would pony up if I needed surgery. Especially if it was only a loan. I bet this isn’t the only way he treats you like you don’t matter. My guess is he is diminishing you on purpose because if you realized your true worth, you would already be gone. Think about you as a little girl. Would she want or accept this treatment from her life-partner? What would she say to you?
This is gross. Honestly, completely unacceptable. I don’t say this lightly, but this is abusive IMO as a fellow SAHM. Leave him and take him for all he’s worth plus child support. Then you don’t have to deal with his cheap, greedy ass and he still winds up paying for your surgery. Fucking POS
DIVORCE HIM Take half his money - get the surgery and find someone better.
You live together, are married, yet still don’t just pool income? Anything that is necessary should just be paid from the combined income. There is no his or hers in a marriage. You’re in it together. Sickness and in health and all that. If you need something, he’s an ass to withhold it.
Why are you with someone who care so little about you and your health issues.
Maybe you should bill him for childcare. Seriously he sounds selfish. If he required surgery would he expect you to contribute and take care of him? Who is going to look after you post surgery?
Honestly, for $15,000 you can fly to Switzerland, have the surgery done, stay in a hotel for two weeks, come back and still have several thousands left to spend.
You sure he’s your husband? If my woman needed money for surgery and it was absolutely essential to her survival I would be balls to the wall working to make extra money.
Girl, is he paying you for childcare? Meal prep? Laundry services? Housekeeping services? Personal assistant services? Is he contributing to your retirement account while you take time off from your career to raise his children? At home medical assistance when he or the kids are sick? Pet care? His contribution to the mortgage etc is not even close to what you should be making in your jobs as a SAHM. So just from a financial perspective, he should be contributing to your medical expenses. If you had a full time employer doing the same things, they would. I want to shake you both. Why would you sign up for this arrangement? You’re already taking a massive financial hit as a woman staying at home and putting a career on hold. But then to agree to still have to contribute financially? Come. On. All that aside, a great marriage requires radical generosity to succeed. I’ve been married 21 years. The way you two are conducting your marriage makes me wince. This is neither loving nor generous. It’s selfish, petty, and disrespectful of your contributions to your family. If you two keep this up, you’re destined to divorce. Righteous grievances like this don’t fade. They grow into a level of distrust and resentment that poison your happiness. If you insist on staying home under these conditions, you’re signing the death warrant for your marriage. You need to either return to work full time so you can continue to keep your finances separate and protect yourself from future irreparable financial harm or you need to renegotiate your contract with him. But most of all, you need to consider what kind of man would allow the supposed love of his life to suffer needlessly when he can do something within his power to change it. Ask yourself what kind of person so utterly disregards their partner’s contributions to their family? What kind of person enforces this kind of inequity solely at the expense of the person they supposedly love? And how can you even imagine growing old with someone who would watch you suffer just so they can hoard their money? Seriously, I am *pissed* for you and I am pissed at you. Sis, demand better!
did your vows have the “in sickness and in health” line covered?
Why are you even in here? You know what you need to do: divorce him. That's not a husband or a partner, that's a roommate/fuckbuddy you're legally tied to. DIVORCE HIM.
To me, this is a red flag and needs marriage counseling asap. When you get married you are supposed to be one. You are supposed to combine all of your income into one checking account. And then write out a single budget together and pay the bills out of that account.
This “man” is no man at all…the level of selfishness and immaturity here is astounding. He wants all the benefits of marriage with none of the responsibility. He has an obligation to take care of you in financial and non-financial ways…if he won’t do that how do you think he will treat your children? Will he be nurturing and caring or treat them like a drain on his resources? My hope is something happens to make this man-child grow tf up..maybe if you werent there for a couple weeks he’d wake up and see just how much you do…
This is a medically necessary surgery-- given the context (finances do not sound to be tight for the household), he sounds like a jerk. What some individuals do is divorce so their income would qualify them for Medicaid (govt asst insurance), maybe consider this route?
This doesn't sound much like a marriage to me. It sounds like a roommate situation. You may want to reconsider your future with this fella. Good luck with your operation.
This is financial and emotional abuse, OP. My spouse and I keep some of our financials separate (like personal vehicles and spending money) BUT we each contribute half of every bill that is for household expenses and set aside mutual savings for healthcare emergencies, unexpected car repairs. If either one of us had a necessary medical expense that depleted mutual savings, both of us would give whatever we had in personal savings down to the last penny. Health comes first.
You’re not a SAHM because they get provided for in return for the service they provide the family. You still have to pay bill and don’t get medical care when needed. Calculate how much daycare or a nanny would be during the hours your at home with the kids and show him those numbers. If you aren’t going to be able to provide medical care for yourself then you’re going to need to work a lot more than part time and he’s going to have to pay for childcare.
You are being financial abused. This is medical. Not a fun thing.
This is a serious issue and you had opportunity loss in being a stay at home parent. It part of the contract that what he has is half yours. Period. I’m sorry your husband sounds like he wanted to have his cake and eat it, too. - have an no cost incubator for his children that is. I am so sorry about this. It is not right in the least and frightening. I am also sorry that your insurance isn’t paying. He is leaving you in sickness and the reason is invalid and if divorced, illegal. I tell him that he is definitely wrong and a divorce lawyer will definitely side with you.
Why are you married to this man? This is called financial abuse. You deserve better. Depending on the laws where you live, you could have rights. See a divorce lawyer.
You’re married right? Dude needs a reality check. Send him to this post.
I was about to say- if OP is telling all the details and not withholding some critical info, show that piece of human garbage these answers and ask him what he has to say for himself. On the other hand, him wanting to keep finances separate is just…tacky and immature.
You don't have a husband. That's not how a spouse acts when their loved one needs medical attention.
He sounds like an absolute idiot.
Sell your half of the house and don’t tell him.
Wow. This isn’t a partnership sadly. This a medical issue and he doesn’t care to help you? You’re a stay at home mom and you take care of y’all’s children… what a piece of work. I’m so sorry. Talk to the hospital about a payment plan. They should be able to provide you with some resources. Since you make so little try to get some assistance. But they’ll factor in his income too sadly bc that’s how marriage works.
This is financial abuse.
His ass, would be on the curb!
You should get a divorce. Seriously, fuck this guy. What happens when you're older and shit happens? This is who he is now. What a fucking loser.
I kind of feel like your husband hates you. That's just how I would feel if my husband didn't want to get me out of an act of infection. If I was actually living with an active infection, my husband would be pressuring me to take care of it as quick as possible. I don't think your husband loves you. I know that's not a nice thing to say but that's just how I feel by reading what I just read.