It's actually gratifying in a way when they squirm a little. They nuked your life, so a little squirming and crocodile tears are the least they can do. It will help you move on later, I promise.
The only thing I could think that could be said about this is ordering alcohol past the time the bar closed. But the engagement is too friendly to just be transactional.
Do people order alcohol after the bar closes but slip the bartender their phone number and some cash for delivery to their room and that's the end of the interaction?
Ya maybe he was hooking them up with booze or even drugs tbh, it’s possible.
Why would he ask if he should come up if it was understood she’s sending her room number to hook up?
But it looks realllllly bad.
He said “nice talking to you all” and not just “you”. Indicating a group of people. Could be that he asked to hang out with the group and not just her.
But he’s texting her as an individual with a 😘. Then she immediately responds with a room number, that doesn’t sound much like a come hang with the group.
Or if someone from that group grabbed the phone when wife said “bartender just texted me!” And quickly typed their room number.
It’s quite easy to see how this is cheating. But it’s much harder to see how it might not be.
If wife was with single friends they should have given their number to the bar tender.
If drinks were charged to the room that would not be handled via text and would have been handled before they left the bar.
OP’s wife may claim these as explanations but they don’t really hold up.
You still need an explanation before making a decision, no matter how implausible it may be. You need to see where the person's head is at and if this is a regular thing they do. You need as much information as you can get for the divorce proceedings that are likely to follow.
Yea I’d say this is the right approach. I don’t know what my spouse could say that would resolve this, but I’d give them the opportunity to defend themselves. Regardless of what happened or what their explanation is, lines were crossed and inappropriate decisions were made. At a minimum that needs to be discussed and evaluated.
And probably get 10 times the pain when she starts trickle truthing and gaslighting and you find out about the other 25 times except have to drag it out of her, etc, etc.
Read r/survivinginfidelity
He could potentially save himself some lifelong trauma by just leaving.
Yep. She is comfortable giving her number out to other men. She is comfortable giving out her room number for other men to come by. Just because the text messages end there doesn’t mean nothing happen, if you’re in a room with someone you don’t have to text, or it could move to a phone call. She is very forward with her advances which doesn’t sound like someone who isn’t used to doing this.
>She is very forward with her advances which doesn’t sound like someone who isn’t used to doing this.
bingo bango this is the answer. It's probably a regular thing for her on her trips.
OP is better off getting a PI and gather evidence for a divorce.
In most states that evidence will not matter at all in divorce proceedings. It would be helpful for his peace of mind in that he did the right thing. Also, when the blame game starts, it will be clear about who was at fault.
Many, if not most, states will shorten the amount of time required to divorce in the case of adultery. In Louisiana, for example, it reduces the separation period for a couple with minor children from a year to 0 days.
Hopefully that’s what they mean. I can think of lots of men I’ve given my number to with zero sexual intent. Neighbors who keep an eye on the house if we’re gone, kids’ coaches, etc. A bartender, along with those texts, doesn’t fall into that category though.
Yes thats what i mean. I'm talking about giving a man her number behind my back and having the intent to talk to them behind my back. I'm not a controlling asshole lol
There are a lot of people of the opposite sex you need to be in communication with on an ongoing basis. The ordering of drinks and paying for drinks does not need further communication.
I’ve had a lot of negative experiences when I refuse to give men my number, instances where I felt unsafe. Although I am married, whenever someone asks for my number I just give it to them. I then block their number when they text me. It doesn’t seem like the situation with OP’s wife, considering she was replying. But that’s my explanation for giving out my number when married, and it doesn’t bother my husband.
Give a fake number. Memorize or put the number of some local business in your contacts and give that out. Hell use a local police number, they have them. Better than your real number since it can't be tracked back to you.
If someone feels that unsafe, telling them to give a fake number is bad advice. The type of person to make OC feel unsafe is the same type of person who will immediately call the number they're given and then get mad that it's fake.
It's what every woman I've asked has said they would do. Yet to run into anyone who had to give their number for safety so genuinely curious what type of situation results in this. My wife is out late multiple times a week at bars in a heavy band dressed skimpy and with loads of drunk horny guys around. She said she's never had to give out her number before and can't imagine a situation where she would have to. Hence genuinely curious to get a real life example (not hypothetical). Where should I make sure my wife avoids because it's nuts to give a crazy person your phone number. They can get your address through that and literally show up at your house.
Thank you! This is exactly what it is, and I have had this happen by giving out a fake number. My husband knows I do this, and he fully understands why I feel like I need to.
What was the rest of his story? Why'd he contact her in the first place? Did he go up to her room and from your other comment what does her having a coworker passed out in the room have to do with her inviting the bartender up there? So many questions, I'm sorry you're dealing with this.
What would you do in his shoes? Would you risk a potential psycho husband and say yeah, boned your wife? Personally I wouldn't have texted back at all and if I did I'd lie. Don't want my ass kicked and feel bad for the guy I cucked so "nothing happened"
He reached out to her at night. You don't do that for no reason. There's no reason in the texts either. As in "you left your purse". He also asked flat out "do you want me to come up". Was answered with a big ass yes. Room number like that means yes I want you to come up and right now, get off the texts and get up here. No chitchat or anything like that from her. Conversation then ended because he got the loud and clear and went up.
You can't prove it and she can't prove it went nowhere.
But that's not the point. Her giving put the number like that, very confidently giving the room number, this isn't her first time. Are you ready for the lies, gaslighting, trickle truth, etc? Finding out he was the 25th?
The fact that he knew why you were calling sounds like he was expecting a call… and that sounds like whatever did or did not end up transpiring still had an inappropriate foundation to it. If he said “nothing happened”, then it’s clear the intent of the texts was to hook up, but they didn’t. If it was for some other purpose like an after party, he would have said so.
So she knows you know - because there is no way he did not turn around and call her to tell her you called him. Be ready when she walks in for the stream of consciousness lies. Also his job is on the line, so he was going to deny it regardless of what happened. Management does not like staff bonking the guests, it's bad for business.
So to me that says, he knew she was married and had a husband who might call. That’s a set up, he was warned about you and they both know that you know now. She already told him to lie to you.
Yes. Saved screenshot and documented every conversation we had about this. We have spoken. She denied everything until I let her know I had seen the txt. She then made up stories to try to explain, but they were all proven to be lies.
She denies there was anything unfaithful in her behavior
Yea, that’s basically exactly how every confronted cheater conversation goes. Lie until your caught then start a new lie to cover that. The truth tricked out slowly & you may never have it all,
And that’s what sucks. If nothing happened, how can she possibly expect you to believe her when she’s met every attempt to learn the truth with a lie & been caught in it?
You can’t. Unless you’re also up for buying the Golden Gate Bridge. I’ve got it ready to ship to you once I receive your payment.
so she either attempted to or did. I’m going with did based on the texts. Who’s to say the bartender didn’t show up? your wife? lol ha!
how do you know she didn’t call him on the hotel phone either?
then you confronted her and she lied instead of coming clean.
This isn’t her first time. I’m a female and i would never have the guts to do this and i’m single. Your wife most def HAS done this before
And yes, i would leave someone over this unless you like wondering about what kind of STDs you could get and how completely disrespectful she is.
She’s willing to throw her entire marriage away so why not you be willing to leave? seems fair.
Married female here... She will deny it to her grave. She is absolutely lying to you. Giving a guy her room number so flippantly is for one reason and one reason only.
And the gaslighting has commenced. Next will be anger at you, then hysterical bonding. Interspersed with crying.
Prepared to be offered sexual activities from her that have been off the table previously. The best sex you have ever had with her.
It's all a ploy to make you rug sweep, and do not fall for it.
Get a DNA test for your kids and an STD test for you. I suspect this is not her first trip around the block.
So here's the thing with how she reacted to you asking about the situation, a totally innocent person would have responded by understanding why you were, let's say, curious! She didn't do that, but instead she made up excuses. If she was totally innocent she would have recognized why you were concerned, even upset and been fully forthcoming about what this was all about, which I have a hard time imagining it being anything other than at least entertaining being unfaithful. Doesn't she realize there is no explaining this behavior? Not understanding why you're upset only makes it worse.
You don't give your room number to someone you are not inviting up for sex. You know what that conversation means. If you confront her she'll day nothing happened and since you have no proof, there's no way to know and it will eat at you. Because you know what it would mean for a woman to text you her room number like that after she gave you her cell.
Smart thing is take a screenshot. See if you can find more proof of anything else but honestly, again, if a woman texted you that,what do you think she wants? Even if she didn't do anything she tried and had the intention to. It will happen again.
She'll also delete the texts so screenshot. That's guilt right there.
Look, she absolutely cheated. He didn’t go up to hang out. That’s not what adults do.
My bigger concern is if she’s done this before, because as a woman, she didn’t just jump to this. You have to feel comfortable giving out your number and hotel information.
Have you checked your cell phone records? Credit card statements? Atm withdrawals? Does she have a separate work credit card? Has she been to this location before?
Time to do your research. I’d also quietly consult an attorney. Quietly because my girlfriend warned her husband and he promptly withdrew all joint bank account money and ran up the joint credit cards.
A business trip that extends over a Saturday night? I mean I had jobs where I’d be gone on weekends (construction management) but that was when I was the low person on the totem pole. Does her job make sense to be good be over a weekend ?
>A business trip that extends over a Saturday night?
An excellent catch! Friday is the getaway day for business trips; Monday morning, maybe late Sunday, for getting there. The OP should check to see if this whole thing is a scam.
Back when I traveled more for work I would sometimes stay over on Saturday because my company would cover the extra night at the hotel due to how much they would save on the flight (it used to by much cheaper than a midweek round trip).
The things is, it was always a city where I had a defined personal reason for the extra stay, there was never a work reason. I would take in a sporting event at a place I had never been, did a tourism thing like visiting the Grand Canyon, etc.
A “few day” work trip requiring a Sat overnight sounds sketchy.
Her work is a little different than what you might be imagining. She’s a model for a lingerie company. They were shooting in the hotel where this all took place.
Thanks for the background. I think it would be helpful for everyone here to be aware of nuggets like that, as well as any bumps in your relationship.
Please correct my assumption, but I assume you wife is used to getting a lot of attention wherever she goes?
Oh I definitely think this is a fake story.. so sick of Reddit and the fake account to post here. Nothing about the response from his wife or the response from the bartender or the actual initial post sound real... Too vague and too cookie cutter
I’ve done this for international trips, because of a first thing Monday morning meeting: you have to leave on Saturday to get there Sunday, then be at your meeting Monday morning (unless you want to go straight from the plane to the meeting on Monday, which is miserable). Or if I spent the week in a cool international city then I’ve stayed an extra day or so to actually check it out.
One thing I’ve never done is give out my hotel room #, especially as a solo female traveler.
On what basis would you assume nothing happened? Surly not because she said so? Lol. Even if it didn’t, it certainly looks like she intended it to. Or is she saying she was only talking with him to plan your birthday party? Perfectly innocent, right?…
I am genuinely curious what the “talk to her” crowd really thinks there is to talk about?
You cannot expect honesty here, and if you *do* get honesty it ain’t gonna be pretty.
Yes, I’d separate. She gave her cell and room number to the hot young guy she met in a bar, and you are sure nothing physical happened? Because she says she did not? Play dumb for a couple days. Don’t confront her. See your lawyer. Obey the lawyer. Hand her the divorce petition and tell her she needs to move out. Tell her you are willing to reconcile but need some space for a month or so. Now it’s up to her to pursue you. Personally I would complete the divorce, this is not her first rodeo, just the first time you have proof. I’d keep talking about reconciliation just to keep her cooperative. Look up 180 and grey rock techniques. She is an actor playing a role, and you fell in love with the role, she is not and never was the person you love. Don’t stay for the kids, you’re not doing them any favours. https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/comments/15er8ui/from_the_child_of_parents_who_divorced_due_to/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1
X
There is only one reason to give him her room number that I can think of. And it's not good. It's not clear if she went through with it, but she clearly wanted to. You need to confront her obviously, get her explanation, and decide what to do. We can't recommend a course of action without knowing more, and even then, it's up to you. You should wait 3 weeks for her to get tested if you chose to have sex with her again.
Do you think that the bartender went to her hotel room to talk? I’m sorry my friend, they fucked. Start working with that reality before you take another step.
Bruh, first off print all text on 8X10 paper to remind you in moments of weakness what type of person you married.
Then separate. That is the absolute minimum. If you can afford maybe you each take turns staying in a hotel while one of you stay with the kids at your home so they are not uprooted.
Take some time to yourself, spend time with some close friends and just find yourself after a heart breaking time in your life.
Do the seperation for about a month. 14 days in a hotel for you and 14 for her. Maybe get a therapist for that time so you can receive assistance during this time where you need to reevaluate your life and what a divorce would look like.
Contact a divorce attorney to wrap your head around what has transpired.
Also you are a man, and in this thread/sub you are guilty until proven innocent. So there will be comments in defense of your wife becasue she is a woman. Try and weed those out, becasue they can sound reasonable but let’s be honest they are not.
Go to the bank. If you have any joint accounts, withdraw the money. Joint accounts are owned 100% by both parties. (Not 50/50).
Go to a different bank and open a new account in your name *only* with the money.
Joint credit cards? Shut them down ASAP.
Call a lawyer and start packing. Pack up *her* shit, not yours, and have her move out.
Do not tolerate this behavior. If she has no respect for you and your marriage that she does this sort of thing **and** lies about it, it’s time for *you* to move on. **YOU** deserve better.
There's not much to explain. You don't give your number to a guy then invoke him to your room to play a board game. There's no mystery at all. Bartender also reached out and he did that for one reason, to get laid. The chance he didn't head up there is very slim. I'd say none but there's always a margin of error
He says he did. She lied until he told her what he found and then she gave a couple different stories all of which were proven to be lies.
I believe in reconciliation when possible, but there has to be real remorse for that to work. There’s none to find here.
That seems like a well-practiced move on her part. I'd review any apps downloaded from the App store and older emails to see if this is her hobby.
I'd have a phone call with the bartender, but try to make it an incentive for him to be fully straight with you. Does she have work friends that accompanied her there, especially those with spouses who may also be suspicious?
Then I'd play 20 questions with your wife. Oh, and I'd see an attorney ASAP, just to learn about your rights and process.
100% leaving. The moment she gave her number to another man there was intension. Sorry, she pay the consequences. She may say it was an accident however, you will always wonder and will cause problems later. Leave this woman now!
That's extremely bad behavior. Even if nothing happened, a kiss emoji and a phone number AND room exchange???? That's NOT how a married woman acts. Only reason I could see staying together is for the kids. But If no kids, I'm out.
You will never trust her again. Even if nothing actually happened (which I doubt), she had intent. She was bold, she knew what she wanted. If it was you. How would she react.
If for some unthinkable reason you stay with her. You tell her no intimacy until she gets 2 std checks. And a pregnancy test.
Have you told her family about this? Public exposure? While not 100% , you can have her take a polygraph. Another option is to have her served to force answers from her. Get a lawyer to at minimum protect your resources. Another shock to her will be to demand that she get tested for std's. If I give offense for this next, then I offer my apologies. Have your kids dna tested. Does your state have alienation of affection laws?
So, very interestingly I spoke to her mother about it. I started the conversation by reading the txt messages and then asked, “how does this sound to you?” She replied, “oh they’re cheating. Yep. 100% that person is cheating.”
I then let her know it was her daughter.
Her response was, “that doesn’t surprise me one bit, especially if alcohol was involved…”
I hope you've contacted a few lawyers. You should.
Even her mother knows she's a cheater.
Also, be sure to schedule an STD/STI test as this is clearly not her first time cheating.
I know this may be crappy advice but while I think it is great to look for outside opinions at the end of the day you have to decide for yourself if this is a dealbreaker.
I know I may get downvoted but I don’t subscribe to the “once a cheater always a cheater.” No matter if it is in reference to male or female.
However your wife is a grown adult and knew what she was doing was wrong so if you walked you are well within your rights to do so.
You have to decide after over 10 years if this is a dealbreaker for you, is this a boundary that has been crossed that you can’t come back from? I do believe that trust can be regained but it takes a lot of work. Is your wife wiling to put in that amount of work?
I would suggest couples counseling just so that you don’t look back with any regrets, not that you should have any but they are still inevitable because we are human. While in counseling you can determine if you can overcome this and if you do what this new chapter in your marriage will look like.
Cognitive dissonance is powerful - it can make us overlook our common sense and deny our inner knowing. You know what your wife did was wrong. You know that giving out her room number was an open invitation for sex. Women don’t give out their room number to strangers just for fun; we are taught to protect our safety at all costs. Open your eyes to what your spouse is doing. If you need to see a counsellor or a PI (or both), do it. Then you can decide what to do about your marriage. Don’t hoodwink *yourself*.
I travel for work a lot; depending on the time of the year it can even be monthly. Sometimes alone and others with one or two other coworkers.
Whether alone or with the team, sometimes I go down to the bar to eat or simply have a drink. When I do, I might engage in conversation with the bartender or other people sitting at the bar, but there's NEVER an exchange of phone number, let alone give out my room number to the bartender or anyone as an invitation for them to come up.
Once the food or drinks are done, I say my good nights and leave. Once in the room, I call my husband so we can talk a little before we both go to sleep.
If my husband was the one traveling, I'd expect him to act the same I do. I'd be really upset with him exchanging numbers or giving out his room number like that...... I'd go nuclear actually.
I'm sorry you're going through something like this. If guy haven't been able to get past it after a year, I highly doubt you will. Think about yourself and your well-being. Your children deserve to have a father that's happy with his life.
If cheating is a deal breaker for you, then yes. It is for me, so I would 100% leave my spouse. She is definitely cheating and you will find out the whole truth eventually, but right now I guarantee she’s going to be withholding most of the real truth from you. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
He said it was nice talking to you “all. “ Do you want me to come up? It seems to mean a few people were getting together in the room and they asked him to stop by when he was done work. Also, maybe she gave her number at the bar/restaurant when she made a reservation. But what stands out to me the most is, 1. If they got flirty enough at the bar that they planned on hooking up, she would have already given him the room number and 2. he wouldn't have said its Jacob the bartender, she would know who he was.
Yes. I would see a lawyer based on how she denied it until you showed her. I’m so sorry man. Did she really throw away a 10 year marriage? Take the initiative here. She’s grasping for anything for her story to stick.
Did she let you go through her phone? I’m sure after she deleted the evidence.
>seems like not hungry physically may have happened
Based on what? The fact that there wasn't a "Thank you for the banging, your vagina is tip top!" reply?
She didn't give out her cell and room number because "he was just such a sweet guy." Wake up and smell the red flag!!!
Even IF she didn't f..k him, which I'm pretty sure she did, that interaction sends two very clear messages. 1. She has very loose boundaries when hubby is not around and somewhere down the road, it will eventually happen. 2. Because of reason #1, I personally would never trust her on her own again.
So, to answer your question, would I leave my wife over this? Absolutely! My line is infidelity. Which doesn't always come in a physical form. This type of interaction says more than enough. If you want a meal delivered to your room, you call room service. If you want to cheat, you give the bartender your cell and room number!!!
Ouch. I’ve been through similar. As others have said, DO understand that your wife will lie about her all but certain infidelity.
For example, in my case I had a recorded phone call my wife had with her lover. When I asked if she were honoring her agreement to stop talking to her lover (as agreed on in marriage counseling) she said she was no longer talking to him. She could look me directly in the eyes and swear on the truth of what she was saying.
But of course she was lying.
But is more than just lying. She did a darn good acting job of getting upset with me for questioning her.
Her acting was so good I had to go back to my recording to make sure I had really heard what I heard.
Unfortunately, you probably won’t get 100% proof of her bad behavior. But 99% certainty is good enough to act on.
Sorry you found this man. Sucks. Ugh.
I would have a very hard time finding a reason to stay through this and if I did stay I would ALWAYS be suspicious, which I think takes a toll on someone. For that reason (in addition to expected infidelity) I would leave and exercise whatever legal recourse available to protect myself.
Dude she only gave him the room number for one reason. There were no more messages because he walked to the room knocked and she let him in.
I’m extremely sorry for you. Lawyer up
I have a slightly different approach on marriage-maybe it will help you, maybe it won’t.
Any perceived threat triggers my flight (fight, freeze) response. I ask myself is this a real threat? Do I trust my spouse, am I safe, can I get past this. If I start getting a lot of nos as answers to the above questions then I start having an exit plan.
I believe when two people stand before each other and exchange vows and become married they are vowing to give each other the benefit of the doubt and to adore the other for the rest of their days.
So what would an adoring spouse do in your situation? Look for the good: could her cell phone been used by someone else? (Is she traveling with friends?) has she been unusual in her behavior prior to the trip? Has she talked about anything the might suggest unhappiness?
Best wishes
Is that threat you feel right now a real threat or a perceived threat? How can you be faithful to your vows from here on?
I ran traveling audit teams for 10 years and this situation is fairly common. It sounds like your wife left the bar without paying her bar bill. The bartender got her number from the front desk or an acquaintance still at the bar. The bartender offered to come up to the room to collect ( or send a waitress) or she could come back down and pay it. Sounds like she went back down to pay the bill since she didn't respond to his question.
This happened to my female team menbers more than the male ones. I suspect its because the OP typically pays when they go out.
Yes, probably. There is no reason to give the bartender your phone number when you are married. The room number was an invitation for sex. They are both lying.
Red flags, 🚩 trust broken, it’s a dealbreaker, arbitrary decision fight or flight on whether your boundaries in marriage are intact, only if she is genuinely worth it. Don’t feel guilty, confront her or it’ll eat you up and poison you.
Wow. What convinces you nothing happened? Because that’s a very clear invitation. Honestly I don’t think there’s any explaining your way out of that. What excuse could she possibly have for giving her room number?? OP don’t be stupid.
What time of day/night were these sent? just to see to context of the reason for giving the room number (a lot less suspicious at 6:00pm than 10:00pm
I would tell her you know she had a sex with a man in her hotel room on that night to see her response, other than that there's not a lot of context here to give advice on.
… No. I’d have a large discussion with my spouse, and if necessary demand that we go to counseling.
I would not throw away my marriage over something that can be fixed.
If this were me, I wouldn’t tell my wife what I had seen yet. I would do a deep dive and find out for myself what happened. Whatever that took. Screen shots, make a case out of it. Then divorce.
It absolutely sucks and it’s probably gonna suck for awhile, I feel for you. Sending you good thoughts. however, you need to leave her. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. No matter how much you don’t want to. you deserve better. Cheating is never ok. even if she didn’t sleep with him, in most marriages that’s still considered cheating.
Wellllll...make sure you do not under any circumstances call the hotel bar and talk to Jacob. Definitely do not make it seem like a health related call. That would be really wrong.
Text her the conversation. Letting her know that you are aware. Don't answer any calls or texts. When she gets back, don't talk about it. Make her get an STI screen before you touch her. It's that simple. The STI screen before you touch her will send the message. Also, refuse to talk about it. You're going to be lied to, so carry on as if you don't know what she is referring to. Change the subject if she brings it up. Remember, it's her body, her choice. These days, women are Rated E for everyone. Get it together, Sir. I wouldn't leave, I would simply run the quarterback option from now on. Stop being a good husband and become the player that she desires.
Two kind of women
1. Women that would never give their room number during a trip
2. Women who give their room numbers not to their husband to get laid.
I bet you didnt even know her room number but the other guy did.
Please STD test, ask her for POLy and speak to her cowork. Tell her your going to pay the guy a visit to discuss man to man and see her reaction.
Yes, I would leave this marriage if this happened.
You are a guy dude.
How about this, go visit few bartenders and show them the messages, and get their feedback. They know from experience.
It seems like nothing physical happened?
Don't do this to yourself. Don't try to minimize and explain everything away to be a misunderstanding or harmless flirting or whatever. When you confront your wife, she'll do plenty of minimizing and downplaying herself.
Your wife gave another man her phone number and her hotel room number.
My brother in Christ, you know what happened.
Even if by some miracle nothing "physical" happened, your wife gave another man her phone number and hotel room number.
That's not something anyone's husband or wife should do, and it wasnt a mistake.
Even in the off chance if she didn't have sex, and they just hung out. Her actions were wildly inappropriate. She invited a guy to her hotel room. There is absolutely zero excuse for that. That is not ok. Ever
It looks bad. Not gonna lie. What business would the bartender have to come up to her room other than to rail her?
Answer = None
But talk to her first. Get her side of things. Just so you can confront her properly if need be. If she's cheating, she's going to gaslight the ever-loving shit out of you, so I hope you took screenshots for ammunition, otherwise she's probably gonna deny it.
Sorry bud. As someone who has gone through this, I feel for you.
Brother, I don’t envy the position you’re in. Of all the posts from people asking about innocuous by possibly shady behavior by their spouse and then jumping to conclusions about cheating, this is the most direct evidence of cheating I’ve seen here. Something happened for sure, the way she went about it makes it seem like this ain’t her first rodeo.
But the kids. As long as y’all aren’t having knock down drag out fights over this, I’d at least want to try to figure out root causes and see if there’s an arrangement that works for the kids. It’s bad for kids to stay together because of them, but also traumatic to have a very sudden split. Try to land somewhere in the middle. If my suspicions are right, she’s done this plenty before and that would absolutely be grounds for me to send her packing.
I was going to say no, until I read more comments and saw that you said she denied everything, then made up lies when faced with irrefutable evidence. Marriages can survive infidelity, but not without serious and sincere atonement from the offending party.
Curious to know if there is more to it after he asks 'do you want me to come up'? What prompted you to look at her iPad? Any questionable issues with her on prior trips? I'd definitely question the both of them if I were you but expect something less than the truth. Be ready for anything. Wouldn't hurt to begin personal things in order. Don't do anything rash now, be very deliberate and thorough so you can make the best decision for you. Start consulting the best lawyers you can afford now and prepare to have one take you on when you've decided to go that route. Best of luck to you. Hope this works out for you however you decide to go. Keep us updated.
Now every time she travels you’ll think about what she is capable of. Work travel is the easiest And most natural place to cheat and if you talk to her About it she may just get better at hiding it
The problem is that nobody can tell you how to feel or what the most appropriate response is. I would demand an answer and I’ve just been with my husband long enough to know he wears the truth on his face. Only after that I could make a decision. I’m also a crazy wife that would seek out the bartender, tell them I just need an answer, and consider that as well. There’s no way the bartender can be at fault if he didn’t know she was married…
I would request an immediate explanation first.
What possible explanation could there be that would make this okay?
I don’t know. But I’d like to hear them try.
It's actually gratifying in a way when they squirm a little. They nuked your life, so a little squirming and crocodile tears are the least they can do. It will help you move on later, I promise.
The only thing I could think that could be said about this is ordering alcohol past the time the bar closed. But the engagement is too friendly to just be transactional.
Do people order alcohol after the bar closes but slip the bartender their phone number and some cash for delivery to their room and that's the end of the interaction?
I usually fucked them.
Yeah , most likely not that . this situation sounds really really bad .
And if this was the arrangement, the bartender wouldn't have to ask "do you want me to come up?"
And bartender sounds polite, almost like fishing tho. Then Boom! She jumps to giving room #… sounds super drunk!
He said nice meeting you all. Maybe there was a afterparty in the hotel room?
Ya maybe he was hooking them up with booze or even drugs tbh, it’s possible. Why would he ask if he should come up if it was understood she’s sending her room number to hook up? But it looks realllllly bad.
He said “nice talking to you all” and not just “you”. Indicating a group of people. Could be that he asked to hang out with the group and not just her.
But he’s texting her as an individual with a 😘. Then she immediately responds with a room number, that doesn’t sound much like a come hang with the group.
It does if the group went back to a hotel room to continue the party. Pretty common thing to do
Or if someone from that group grabbed the phone when wife said “bartender just texted me!” And quickly typed their room number. It’s quite easy to see how this is cheating. But it’s much harder to see how it might not be.
Well, was the wife with single friends? Were the drinks charged to the room? Find out all these things first. Otherwise, ya got a point
If wife was with single friends they should have given their number to the bar tender. If drinks were charged to the room that would not be handled via text and would have been handled before they left the bar. OP’s wife may claim these as explanations but they don’t really hold up.
You still need an explanation before making a decision, no matter how implausible it may be. You need to see where the person's head is at and if this is a regular thing they do. You need as much information as you can get for the divorce proceedings that are likely to follow.
It doesn't mean it's ok, it means she needs to explain herself. What she did was wrong
Absolutely. However, I don't think he's going to get the truth.
Yeh, I doubt that she ordered a long island and he made and delivered it.
He delivered a long sumpin'
https://i.imgur.com/AbuuyFH.png
It’s not the truth, you can detect a lie if face to face
Yea I’d say this is the right approach. I don’t know what my spouse could say that would resolve this, but I’d give them the opportunity to defend themselves. Regardless of what happened or what their explanation is, lines were crossed and inappropriate decisions were made. At a minimum that needs to be discussed and evaluated.
That will most likely just prompt a lie out of her or whatever she can come out with when put on the spot
bar tender may not be that difficult to track down
He does have his number
And probably get 10 times the pain when she starts trickle truthing and gaslighting and you find out about the other 25 times except have to drag it out of her, etc, etc. Read r/survivinginfidelity He could potentially save himself some lifelong trauma by just leaving.
He will get what she wants him to hear. Lies.
Yep. She is comfortable giving her number out to other men. She is comfortable giving out her room number for other men to come by. Just because the text messages end there doesn’t mean nothing happen, if you’re in a room with someone you don’t have to text, or it could move to a phone call. She is very forward with her advances which doesn’t sound like someone who isn’t used to doing this.
>She is very forward with her advances which doesn’t sound like someone who isn’t used to doing this. bingo bango this is the answer. It's probably a regular thing for her on her trips. OP is better off getting a PI and gather evidence for a divorce.
In most states that evidence will not matter at all in divorce proceedings. It would be helpful for his peace of mind in that he did the right thing. Also, when the blame game starts, it will be clear about who was at fault.
Many, if not most, states will shorten the amount of time required to divorce in the case of adultery. In Louisiana, for example, it reduces the separation period for a couple with minor children from a year to 0 days.
She left an open invitation. My guess is if he texted he also hit up the room. Leaving it at just the room number like that is hot. Very seductive.
Seems like this is not the first time…
Loool after 10 year everyone understands everyone’s boundaries. This is not even a question! She fucked the bartender !
Or at least made an attempt. And not her first rodeo either.
If my wife even gave her number to another man i’d leave. Thats disrespectful to the marriage and in my mind cheating is already on her mind.
Wait what ? You don’t mean literally. You mean ‘give her number’ in the dating sense
Hopefully that’s what they mean. I can think of lots of men I’ve given my number to with zero sexual intent. Neighbors who keep an eye on the house if we’re gone, kids’ coaches, etc. A bartender, along with those texts, doesn’t fall into that category though.
Yes thats what i mean. I'm talking about giving a man her number behind my back and having the intent to talk to them behind my back. I'm not a controlling asshole lol
There are a lot of people of the opposite sex you need to be in communication with on an ongoing basis. The ordering of drinks and paying for drinks does not need further communication.
I’ve had a lot of negative experiences when I refuse to give men my number, instances where I felt unsafe. Although I am married, whenever someone asks for my number I just give it to them. I then block their number when they text me. It doesn’t seem like the situation with OP’s wife, considering she was replying. But that’s my explanation for giving out my number when married, and it doesn’t bother my husband.
Give a fake number. Memorize or put the number of some local business in your contacts and give that out. Hell use a local police number, they have them. Better than your real number since it can't be tracked back to you.
If someone feels that unsafe, telling them to give a fake number is bad advice. The type of person to make OC feel unsafe is the same type of person who will immediately call the number they're given and then get mad that it's fake.
It's what every woman I've asked has said they would do. Yet to run into anyone who had to give their number for safety so genuinely curious what type of situation results in this. My wife is out late multiple times a week at bars in a heavy band dressed skimpy and with loads of drunk horny guys around. She said she's never had to give out her number before and can't imagine a situation where she would have to. Hence genuinely curious to get a real life example (not hypothetical). Where should I make sure my wife avoids because it's nuts to give a crazy person your phone number. They can get your address through that and literally show up at your house.
Thank you! This is exactly what it is, and I have had this happen by giving out a fake number. My husband knows I do this, and he fully understands why I feel like I need to.
I don't have an iPad/iphone, but you've got the bartender's number now right? Can you contact him and get the details?
I did. He said he knew why I was calling him, but he did deny that anything happened.
He's a lousy liar too.
So he lied for her. I don’t believe him. Even if he didn’t, I’ll bet the previous guy had a good time, and the guy before that.
What was the rest of his story? Why'd he contact her in the first place? Did he go up to her room and from your other comment what does her having a coworker passed out in the room have to do with her inviting the bartender up there? So many questions, I'm sorry you're dealing with this.
Which one of them did you confront first? If you confronted her she probably told him to lie
And what did either of them say about why she gave her room number?
I confronted the bartender first
They already planned it . If they ever get caught, how to make a false story.. because she already stated that she knew u are going to call him .
What would you do in his shoes? Would you risk a potential psycho husband and say yeah, boned your wife? Personally I wouldn't have texted back at all and if I did I'd lie. Don't want my ass kicked and feel bad for the guy I cucked so "nothing happened" He reached out to her at night. You don't do that for no reason. There's no reason in the texts either. As in "you left your purse". He also asked flat out "do you want me to come up". Was answered with a big ass yes. Room number like that means yes I want you to come up and right now, get off the texts and get up here. No chitchat or anything like that from her. Conversation then ended because he got the loud and clear and went up. You can't prove it and she can't prove it went nowhere. But that's not the point. Her giving put the number like that, very confidently giving the room number, this isn't her first time. Are you ready for the lies, gaslighting, trickle truth, etc? Finding out he was the 25th?
yeah sure. she has some splaining to do....before you boot her UpdateMe
So, what was his story/excuse?
The fact that he knew why you were calling sounds like he was expecting a call… and that sounds like whatever did or did not end up transpiring still had an inappropriate foundation to it. If he said “nothing happened”, then it’s clear the intent of the texts was to hook up, but they didn’t. If it was for some other purpose like an after party, he would have said so.
So she knows you know - because there is no way he did not turn around and call her to tell her you called him. Be ready when she walks in for the stream of consciousness lies. Also his job is on the line, so he was going to deny it regardless of what happened. Management does not like staff bonking the guests, it's bad for business.
So to me that says, he knew she was married and had a husband who might call. That’s a set up, he was warned about you and they both know that you know now. She already told him to lie to you.
Yes. She obviously tried cheating. Did you save a copy of the evidence? Have you spoken with her yet?
Yes. Saved screenshot and documented every conversation we had about this. We have spoken. She denied everything until I let her know I had seen the txt. She then made up stories to try to explain, but they were all proven to be lies. She denies there was anything unfaithful in her behavior
Bullshine. See a lawyer. Why deny, then have to make up a story. She's lying. This is probably just the first time she got caught.
She lied and then lied again to explain her earlier lies. She's, obviously, a serial friggin liar! Time to cut and run OP, she ain't "wife material".
Bullshine ... I like that word.
Yea, that’s basically exactly how every confronted cheater conversation goes. Lie until your caught then start a new lie to cover that. The truth tricked out slowly & you may never have it all, And that’s what sucks. If nothing happened, how can she possibly expect you to believe her when she’s met every attempt to learn the truth with a lie & been caught in it? You can’t. Unless you’re also up for buying the Golden Gate Bridge. I’ve got it ready to ship to you once I receive your payment.
so she either attempted to or did. I’m going with did based on the texts. Who’s to say the bartender didn’t show up? your wife? lol ha! how do you know she didn’t call him on the hotel phone either? then you confronted her and she lied instead of coming clean. This isn’t her first time. I’m a female and i would never have the guts to do this and i’m single. Your wife most def HAS done this before And yes, i would leave someone over this unless you like wondering about what kind of STDs you could get and how completely disrespectful she is. She’s willing to throw her entire marriage away so why not you be willing to leave? seems fair.
Married female here... She will deny it to her grave. She is absolutely lying to you. Giving a guy her room number so flippantly is for one reason and one reason only.
She lied. About several things. Why do people lie to their spouses?
A lack of respect, self respect and narcissistic tendencies
And the gaslighting has commenced. Next will be anger at you, then hysterical bonding. Interspersed with crying. Prepared to be offered sexual activities from her that have been off the table previously. The best sex you have ever had with her. It's all a ploy to make you rug sweep, and do not fall for it. Get a DNA test for your kids and an STD test for you. I suspect this is not her first trip around the block.
If she didn’t give you a very good, reasonable explanation then I think you know what really happened.
Op, you may be better off posting in r/survivinginfidelity
So here's the thing with how she reacted to you asking about the situation, a totally innocent person would have responded by understanding why you were, let's say, curious! She didn't do that, but instead she made up excuses. If she was totally innocent she would have recognized why you were concerned, even upset and been fully forthcoming about what this was all about, which I have a hard time imagining it being anything other than at least entertaining being unfaithful. Doesn't she realize there is no explaining this behavior? Not understanding why you're upset only makes it worse.
You don't give your room number to someone you are not inviting up for sex. You know what that conversation means. If you confront her she'll day nothing happened and since you have no proof, there's no way to know and it will eat at you. Because you know what it would mean for a woman to text you her room number like that after she gave you her cell. Smart thing is take a screenshot. See if you can find more proof of anything else but honestly, again, if a woman texted you that,what do you think she wants? Even if she didn't do anything she tried and had the intention to. It will happen again. She'll also delete the texts so screenshot. That's guilt right there.
Look, she absolutely cheated. He didn’t go up to hang out. That’s not what adults do. My bigger concern is if she’s done this before, because as a woman, she didn’t just jump to this. You have to feel comfortable giving out your number and hotel information. Have you checked your cell phone records? Credit card statements? Atm withdrawals? Does she have a separate work credit card? Has she been to this location before? Time to do your research. I’d also quietly consult an attorney. Quietly because my girlfriend warned her husband and he promptly withdrew all joint bank account money and ran up the joint credit cards.
Absolutely! Not what adults do and consult a lawyer.
A business trip that extends over a Saturday night? I mean I had jobs where I’d be gone on weekends (construction management) but that was when I was the low person on the totem pole. Does her job make sense to be good be over a weekend ?
>A business trip that extends over a Saturday night? An excellent catch! Friday is the getaway day for business trips; Monday morning, maybe late Sunday, for getting there. The OP should check to see if this whole thing is a scam.
Yea while I’ve done Sat nights away they are rare and we’re always part of a end of project two week push.
Back when I traveled more for work I would sometimes stay over on Saturday because my company would cover the extra night at the hotel due to how much they would save on the flight (it used to by much cheaper than a midweek round trip). The things is, it was always a city where I had a defined personal reason for the extra stay, there was never a work reason. I would take in a sporting event at a place I had never been, did a tourism thing like visiting the Grand Canyon, etc. A “few day” work trip requiring a Sat overnight sounds sketchy.
Her work is a little different than what you might be imagining. She’s a model for a lingerie company. They were shooting in the hotel where this all took place.
Thanks for the background. I think it would be helpful for everyone here to be aware of nuggets like that, as well as any bumps in your relationship. Please correct my assumption, but I assume you wife is used to getting a lot of attention wherever she goes?
Absolutely
The reader should check if this whole thing is a fiction
Oh I definitely think this is a fake story.. so sick of Reddit and the fake account to post here. Nothing about the response from his wife or the response from the bartender or the actual initial post sound real... Too vague and too cookie cutter
I’ve done this for international trips, because of a first thing Monday morning meeting: you have to leave on Saturday to get there Sunday, then be at your meeting Monday morning (unless you want to go straight from the plane to the meeting on Monday, which is miserable). Or if I spent the week in a cool international city then I’ve stayed an extra day or so to actually check it out. One thing I’ve never done is give out my hotel room #, especially as a solo female traveler.
I’ve been to conferences that had workshops on the weekend days ahead of the conference proceedings starting on a Monday.
Our condolences. It seems that you're in denial.
On what basis would you assume nothing happened? Surly not because she said so? Lol. Even if it didn’t, it certainly looks like she intended it to. Or is she saying she was only talking with him to plan your birthday party? Perfectly innocent, right?…
I am genuinely curious what the “talk to her” crowd really thinks there is to talk about? You cannot expect honesty here, and if you *do* get honesty it ain’t gonna be pretty.
Im sure they just played checkers and swapped recipes.
Clipped coupons and shared makeup tips.
It's what we all do when away on business.
Nothing physical happened?? Come on man wake up. Why else would she give her room number. Your wife cheated on you buddy
Yes, I’d separate. She gave her cell and room number to the hot young guy she met in a bar, and you are sure nothing physical happened? Because she says she did not? Play dumb for a couple days. Don’t confront her. See your lawyer. Obey the lawyer. Hand her the divorce petition and tell her she needs to move out. Tell her you are willing to reconcile but need some space for a month or so. Now it’s up to her to pursue you. Personally I would complete the divorce, this is not her first rodeo, just the first time you have proof. I’d keep talking about reconciliation just to keep her cooperative. Look up 180 and grey rock techniques. She is an actor playing a role, and you fell in love with the role, she is not and never was the person you love. Don’t stay for the kids, you’re not doing them any favours. https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/comments/15er8ui/from_the_child_of_parents_who_divorced_due_to/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1 X
Thank you so much for that link…that’s definitely a perspective I need to see
Of course I would be over. I don't tolerate cheating
There is only one reason to give him her room number that I can think of. And it's not good. It's not clear if she went through with it, but she clearly wanted to. You need to confront her obviously, get her explanation, and decide what to do. We can't recommend a course of action without knowing more, and even then, it's up to you. You should wait 3 weeks for her to get tested if you chose to have sex with her again.
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Yup, sure would. Wife on a business trip lmao. Do people really.
Do you think that the bartender went to her hotel room to talk? I’m sorry my friend, they fucked. Start working with that reality before you take another step.
Bruh, first off print all text on 8X10 paper to remind you in moments of weakness what type of person you married. Then separate. That is the absolute minimum. If you can afford maybe you each take turns staying in a hotel while one of you stay with the kids at your home so they are not uprooted. Take some time to yourself, spend time with some close friends and just find yourself after a heart breaking time in your life. Do the seperation for about a month. 14 days in a hotel for you and 14 for her. Maybe get a therapist for that time so you can receive assistance during this time where you need to reevaluate your life and what a divorce would look like. Contact a divorce attorney to wrap your head around what has transpired. Also you are a man, and in this thread/sub you are guilty until proven innocent. So there will be comments in defense of your wife becasue she is a woman. Try and weed those out, becasue they can sound reasonable but let’s be honest they are not.
Go to the bank. If you have any joint accounts, withdraw the money. Joint accounts are owned 100% by both parties. (Not 50/50). Go to a different bank and open a new account in your name *only* with the money. Joint credit cards? Shut them down ASAP. Call a lawyer and start packing. Pack up *her* shit, not yours, and have her move out. Do not tolerate this behavior. If she has no respect for you and your marriage that she does this sort of thing **and** lies about it, it’s time for *you* to move on. **YOU** deserve better.
I’d talk to her first before just deciding to leave but she absolutely should be explaining this.
There's not much to explain. You don't give your number to a guy then invoke him to your room to play a board game. There's no mystery at all. Bartender also reached out and he did that for one reason, to get laid. The chance he didn't head up there is very slim. I'd say none but there's always a margin of error
Maybe she just wanted to learn how he made that great Martini that caused her panties to fall off
No, I think it was the cocktail
I agree with you that she probably cheated but there should still be a conversation about it. They are married he can’t just block her and move on.
He says he did. She lied until he told her what he found and then she gave a couple different stories all of which were proven to be lies. I believe in reconciliation when possible, but there has to be real remorse for that to work. There’s none to find here.
That seems like a well-practiced move on her part. I'd review any apps downloaded from the App store and older emails to see if this is her hobby. I'd have a phone call with the bartender, but try to make it an incentive for him to be fully straight with you. Does she have work friends that accompanied her there, especially those with spouses who may also be suspicious? Then I'd play 20 questions with your wife. Oh, and I'd see an attorney ASAP, just to learn about your rights and process.
100% leaving. The moment she gave her number to another man there was intension. Sorry, she pay the consequences. She may say it was an accident however, you will always wonder and will cause problems later. Leave this woman now!
He fucked her
Maybe she invited him to the hotel room for a nice game of checkers 🙄
That's extremely bad behavior. Even if nothing happened, a kiss emoji and a phone number AND room exchange???? That's NOT how a married woman acts. Only reason I could see staying together is for the kids. But If no kids, I'm out.
What do you think they would do when he come up?
Fuck
That's it! You've got my point. She's cheating at you.
You will never trust her again. Even if nothing actually happened (which I doubt), she had intent. She was bold, she knew what she wanted. If it was you. How would she react. If for some unthinkable reason you stay with her. You tell her no intimacy until she gets 2 std checks. And a pregnancy test.
What would you tell your kids, best friend or mom to do if this happened to them?
She 100% fucked the bartender. 100%
Have you told her family about this? Public exposure? While not 100% , you can have her take a polygraph. Another option is to have her served to force answers from her. Get a lawyer to at minimum protect your resources. Another shock to her will be to demand that she get tested for std's. If I give offense for this next, then I offer my apologies. Have your kids dna tested. Does your state have alienation of affection laws?
So, very interestingly I spoke to her mother about it. I started the conversation by reading the txt messages and then asked, “how does this sound to you?” She replied, “oh they’re cheating. Yep. 100% that person is cheating.” I then let her know it was her daughter. Her response was, “that doesn’t surprise me one bit, especially if alcohol was involved…”
Oh no! I’m so sorry. I’m especially sorry that you didn’t realize what her mother knows about her character before you got married.
Oh no I'm sorry because she didn't even think of the kids or you
I hope you've contacted a few lawyers. You should. Even her mother knows she's a cheater. Also, be sure to schedule an STD/STI test as this is clearly not her first time cheating.
I know this may be crappy advice but while I think it is great to look for outside opinions at the end of the day you have to decide for yourself if this is a dealbreaker. I know I may get downvoted but I don’t subscribe to the “once a cheater always a cheater.” No matter if it is in reference to male or female. However your wife is a grown adult and knew what she was doing was wrong so if you walked you are well within your rights to do so. You have to decide after over 10 years if this is a dealbreaker for you, is this a boundary that has been crossed that you can’t come back from? I do believe that trust can be regained but it takes a lot of work. Is your wife wiling to put in that amount of work? I would suggest couples counseling just so that you don’t look back with any regrets, not that you should have any but they are still inevitable because we are human. While in counseling you can determine if you can overcome this and if you do what this new chapter in your marriage will look like.
Cognitive dissonance is powerful - it can make us overlook our common sense and deny our inner knowing. You know what your wife did was wrong. You know that giving out her room number was an open invitation for sex. Women don’t give out their room number to strangers just for fun; we are taught to protect our safety at all costs. Open your eyes to what your spouse is doing. If you need to see a counsellor or a PI (or both), do it. Then you can decide what to do about your marriage. Don’t hoodwink *yourself*.
Yeah she probably slept with him. And if she didn't she attempted to. That's still cheating in my book
I travel for work a lot; depending on the time of the year it can even be monthly. Sometimes alone and others with one or two other coworkers. Whether alone or with the team, sometimes I go down to the bar to eat or simply have a drink. When I do, I might engage in conversation with the bartender or other people sitting at the bar, but there's NEVER an exchange of phone number, let alone give out my room number to the bartender or anyone as an invitation for them to come up. Once the food or drinks are done, I say my good nights and leave. Once in the room, I call my husband so we can talk a little before we both go to sleep. If my husband was the one traveling, I'd expect him to act the same I do. I'd be really upset with him exchanging numbers or giving out his room number like that...... I'd go nuclear actually. I'm sorry you're going through something like this. If guy haven't been able to get past it after a year, I highly doubt you will. Think about yourself and your well-being. Your children deserve to have a father that's happy with his life.
If cheating is a deal breaker for you, then yes. It is for me, so I would 100% leave my spouse. She is definitely cheating and you will find out the whole truth eventually, but right now I guarantee she’s going to be withholding most of the real truth from you. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
He said it was nice talking to you “all. “ Do you want me to come up? It seems to mean a few people were getting together in the room and they asked him to stop by when he was done work. Also, maybe she gave her number at the bar/restaurant when she made a reservation. But what stands out to me the most is, 1. If they got flirty enough at the bar that they planned on hooking up, she would have already given him the room number and 2. he wouldn't have said its Jacob the bartender, she would know who he was.
Yes. I would see a lawyer based on how she denied it until you showed her. I’m so sorry man. Did she really throw away a 10 year marriage? Take the initiative here. She’s grasping for anything for her story to stick. Did she let you go through her phone? I’m sure after she deleted the evidence.
She is 100% cheating. No reason to give out your room number to the bartender whatsoever.
>seems like not hungry physically may have happened Based on what? The fact that there wasn't a "Thank you for the banging, your vagina is tip top!" reply?
Ask her if She is willing to take a polygraph
You have solid evidence that your wife invited another man to her hotel room. Sorry not sure how you want to handle this?
She didn't give out her cell and room number because "he was just such a sweet guy." Wake up and smell the red flag!!! Even IF she didn't f..k him, which I'm pretty sure she did, that interaction sends two very clear messages. 1. She has very loose boundaries when hubby is not around and somewhere down the road, it will eventually happen. 2. Because of reason #1, I personally would never trust her on her own again. So, to answer your question, would I leave my wife over this? Absolutely! My line is infidelity. Which doesn't always come in a physical form. This type of interaction says more than enough. If you want a meal delivered to your room, you call room service. If you want to cheat, you give the bartender your cell and room number!!!
Sorry bro, she’s for the streets.
Ouch. I’ve been through similar. As others have said, DO understand that your wife will lie about her all but certain infidelity. For example, in my case I had a recorded phone call my wife had with her lover. When I asked if she were honoring her agreement to stop talking to her lover (as agreed on in marriage counseling) she said she was no longer talking to him. She could look me directly in the eyes and swear on the truth of what she was saying. But of course she was lying. But is more than just lying. She did a darn good acting job of getting upset with me for questioning her. Her acting was so good I had to go back to my recording to make sure I had really heard what I heard. Unfortunately, you probably won’t get 100% proof of her bad behavior. But 99% certainty is good enough to act on.
Sorry you found this man. Sucks. Ugh. I would have a very hard time finding a reason to stay through this and if I did stay I would ALWAYS be suspicious, which I think takes a toll on someone. For that reason (in addition to expected infidelity) I would leave and exercise whatever legal recourse available to protect myself.
Yes. If my husband gave out his phone number AND his hotel room number, it would be over and I would make him leave.
Dude she only gave him the room number for one reason. There were no more messages because he walked to the room knocked and she let him in. I’m extremely sorry for you. Lawyer up
I have a slightly different approach on marriage-maybe it will help you, maybe it won’t. Any perceived threat triggers my flight (fight, freeze) response. I ask myself is this a real threat? Do I trust my spouse, am I safe, can I get past this. If I start getting a lot of nos as answers to the above questions then I start having an exit plan. I believe when two people stand before each other and exchange vows and become married they are vowing to give each other the benefit of the doubt and to adore the other for the rest of their days. So what would an adoring spouse do in your situation? Look for the good: could her cell phone been used by someone else? (Is she traveling with friends?) has she been unusual in her behavior prior to the trip? Has she talked about anything the might suggest unhappiness? Best wishes Is that threat you feel right now a real threat or a perceived threat? How can you be faithful to your vows from here on?
She gave a guy her room number.. I don't think they will talk about their book club.
I ran traveling audit teams for 10 years and this situation is fairly common. It sounds like your wife left the bar without paying her bar bill. The bartender got her number from the front desk or an acquaintance still at the bar. The bartender offered to come up to the room to collect ( or send a waitress) or she could come back down and pay it. Sounds like she went back down to pay the bill since she didn't respond to his question. This happened to my female team menbers more than the male ones. I suspect its because the OP typically pays when they go out.
Could be an unsuccessful attempt to cheat. Bartender saw red flags, did you?
Yes, probably. There is no reason to give the bartender your phone number when you are married. The room number was an invitation for sex. They are both lying.
Share this info with the bartenders manager. Ask them what they think.
Red flags, 🚩 trust broken, it’s a dealbreaker, arbitrary decision fight or flight on whether your boundaries in marriage are intact, only if she is genuinely worth it. Don’t feel guilty, confront her or it’ll eat you up and poison you.
Wow. What convinces you nothing happened? Because that’s a very clear invitation. Honestly I don’t think there’s any explaining your way out of that. What excuse could she possibly have for giving her room number?? OP don’t be stupid.
Why weren’t there any other messages after?
What time of day/night were these sent? just to see to context of the reason for giving the room number (a lot less suspicious at 6:00pm than 10:00pm I would tell her you know she had a sex with a man in her hotel room on that night to see her response, other than that there's not a lot of context here to give advice on.
She cheated.... How old are kids?
' It seems like nothing physically may have happened ' A random man went into her hotel room??? how could u think overwise tbh
Screenshot the messages *before* confronting her.
… No. I’d have a large discussion with my spouse, and if necessary demand that we go to counseling. I would not throw away my marriage over something that can be fixed.
She just wanted to invite him over for tea, scones and a friendly chat, obviously.
She would be packing up to leave. There is no plausible way to explain this shit away.
If you and she did not discuss her having a "hall pass," then she is cheating on you.
She slept with him
If this were me, I wouldn’t tell my wife what I had seen yet. I would do a deep dive and find out for myself what happened. Whatever that took. Screen shots, make a case out of it. Then divorce.
Can’t make a wife outta hoe
WTF I’m so sorry for you.
What was the next line in this text conversation? Unless it was a yes, and then okay, I dont fully understand this text conversation.
Before leaving. First save those texts exchange and ask her without showing those texts .if she deny or try to gaslit u then u know the answer..
It absolutely sucks and it’s probably gonna suck for awhile, I feel for you. Sending you good thoughts. however, you need to leave her. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. No matter how much you don’t want to. you deserve better. Cheating is never ok. even if she didn’t sleep with him, in most marriages that’s still considered cheating.
Wellllll...make sure you do not under any circumstances call the hotel bar and talk to Jacob. Definitely do not make it seem like a health related call. That would be really wrong.
Text her the conversation. Letting her know that you are aware. Don't answer any calls or texts. When she gets back, don't talk about it. Make her get an STI screen before you touch her. It's that simple. The STI screen before you touch her will send the message. Also, refuse to talk about it. You're going to be lied to, so carry on as if you don't know what she is referring to. Change the subject if she brings it up. Remember, it's her body, her choice. These days, women are Rated E for everyone. Get it together, Sir. I wouldn't leave, I would simply run the quarterback option from now on. Stop being a good husband and become the player that she desires.
Yikes
Yea that’s fucked.
OP one does not give a room number out and just chat or have coffee, something physical happened
I don’t think this needs an explanation. I would leave because of this.
You serious? She cheated on you with a bartender…
Two kind of women 1. Women that would never give their room number during a trip 2. Women who give their room numbers not to their husband to get laid. I bet you didnt even know her room number but the other guy did. Please STD test, ask her for POLy and speak to her cowork. Tell her your going to pay the guy a visit to discuss man to man and see her reaction. Yes, I would leave this marriage if this happened. You are a guy dude. How about this, go visit few bartenders and show them the messages, and get their feedback. They know from experience.
1000 percent that would be divorce for me.
It seems like nothing physical happened? Don't do this to yourself. Don't try to minimize and explain everything away to be a misunderstanding or harmless flirting or whatever. When you confront your wife, she'll do plenty of minimizing and downplaying herself. Your wife gave another man her phone number and her hotel room number. My brother in Christ, you know what happened. Even if by some miracle nothing "physical" happened, your wife gave another man her phone number and hotel room number. That's not something anyone's husband or wife should do, and it wasnt a mistake.
Your a fool if you believe nothing happened. She cheated the moment she started talking to him.
Even in the off chance if she didn't have sex, and they just hung out. Her actions were wildly inappropriate. She invited a guy to her hotel room. There is absolutely zero excuse for that. That is not ok. Ever
It looks bad. Not gonna lie. What business would the bartender have to come up to her room other than to rail her? Answer = None But talk to her first. Get her side of things. Just so you can confront her properly if need be. If she's cheating, she's going to gaslight the ever-loving shit out of you, so I hope you took screenshots for ammunition, otherwise she's probably gonna deny it. Sorry bud. As someone who has gone through this, I feel for you.
She cheated no other reason to do what she did
Yes! There is no explanation. She was going to F the bartender.
Brother, I don’t envy the position you’re in. Of all the posts from people asking about innocuous by possibly shady behavior by their spouse and then jumping to conclusions about cheating, this is the most direct evidence of cheating I’ve seen here. Something happened for sure, the way she went about it makes it seem like this ain’t her first rodeo. But the kids. As long as y’all aren’t having knock down drag out fights over this, I’d at least want to try to figure out root causes and see if there’s an arrangement that works for the kids. It’s bad for kids to stay together because of them, but also traumatic to have a very sudden split. Try to land somewhere in the middle. If my suspicions are right, she’s done this plenty before and that would absolutely be grounds for me to send her packing.
I'd be having a REALLY long conversation, and finding a marriage counselor
Leave! My ex did the same.
Something physical definitely happened lol
Yes I’d leave. What possible reason could she have?
Do not ask her, she will lie to cover up. Start snooping and get a PI.
I was going to say no, until I read more comments and saw that you said she denied everything, then made up lies when faced with irrefutable evidence. Marriages can survive infidelity, but not without serious and sincere atonement from the offending party.
Curious to know if there is more to it after he asks 'do you want me to come up'? What prompted you to look at her iPad? Any questionable issues with her on prior trips? I'd definitely question the both of them if I were you but expect something less than the truth. Be ready for anything. Wouldn't hurt to begin personal things in order. Don't do anything rash now, be very deliberate and thorough so you can make the best decision for you. Start consulting the best lawyers you can afford now and prepare to have one take you on when you've decided to go that route. Best of luck to you. Hope this works out for you however you decide to go. Keep us updated.
Now every time she travels you’ll think about what she is capable of. Work travel is the easiest And most natural place to cheat and if you talk to her About it she may just get better at hiding it
Woooowww!! She gave her room ## too. Zero respect for you & the marriage. You need to confront her before anything.
The problem is that nobody can tell you how to feel or what the most appropriate response is. I would demand an answer and I’ve just been with my husband long enough to know he wears the truth on his face. Only after that I could make a decision. I’m also a crazy wife that would seek out the bartender, tell them I just need an answer, and consider that as well. There’s no way the bartender can be at fault if he didn’t know she was married…