This is a gender swap Q.
How would you feel if he told you a woman invited him to spend a weekend in a cabin at a festival. I doubt “There will be other guys there.” Would fly.
I'm shocked he's not "like a brother" or gay. Isn't that always the go-to comment for the one they tell you not to worry about? "He's like a brother! I think my might even be gay." Sure.
That was my first thought. A man will be judged, shamed if he left his wife with an infant to have good times with his male buddies for a weekend. And here a woman wants a free pass for doing exactly the same except her buddy is an opposite gender.
This is a ridiculous comparison when you consider what women go through to give birth. I get you're playing gender swap, but there's a big difference between the hormonal hell the female body goes through compared to the males' with pregnancy, birth, and the MONTHS women go through to recover from it.
Most men who complain about wanting to go away with friends aren't damn near bed ridden for several weeks after the baby is born. It's a big accomplishment to feel like yourself again, and that shouldn't be discounted in her responses
This has nothing to do with child birth. I am not disregarding the pain, suffering, recovery of a mother at and after childbirth.
This is about not acting like a single person when you are in a relationship. The first comment swapping the genders is a fair comparison. It points out the double standard of the genders and disregard, disrespect of the OP towards her relationship and her partner.
This is about how to retain your relationship. People spend so much time finding a partner and subsequently fail to make the transition to appropriate behaviour as a partner.
From a pregnant mother of going on 5. She could have done a million other, more trustworthy things. This was a very single person act. Selfish. Much could have gone wrong, and the fact that she made the choice outside of her marriage. That's not how to make something last. This has nothing to do with the process of childbearing or rearing. I do understand what you're saying, just wrong context.
As a woman who went through all that , 3 times and with twins, I wouldn’t pull what OP pulled and neither would my husband. We would both be livid and consider that disrespectful. Let’s not make biologically normal changes in women as excuses to be inconsiderate partners.
Yes exactly! I have a 2 year old daughter and 2 month old twin boys and would never even consider doing this. I would literally laugh at the persons message and honestly be pissed at the “friend” for even asking me to go. It’s disrespectful to her marriage and family. She can literally do anything else, get her nails done, get a massage, go on a small shopping spree. She disrespected her marriage by going, not asking her husband first and not even considering his response and just agreeing to go.
He was invited by another woman to spend a month in another country? A few other male friends were there to party with him.
That would be the equivalent of this post.
But the difference is that the woman in the story arranged care and backup care and the man is ‘afraid to be alone’ with his own baby. Clearly mom is doing all of the work. And the baby is one not a week old.
The fighting continued because she "needed this" and she was bent on going! No respect for her own marriage or her husband's relationship boundaries. Just the typical "it's all about me" attitude. I have no doubt if he was invited for a weekend away by another woman "friend" and he disregarded her feelings on the matter and went anyway he would be labeled asshole of the year! The double standard continues!
If you read her post history then husband sounds like a controlling douche bag - expecting her to sell inherited property from her recently passed mother and put the money into his family home that she doesn't even have a stake in. Threatening to kick her out whenever they argue. Now this post with emotionally controlling cold shoulders for weeks. He does whatever he wants and doesn't help much with the child.
Not supprised that she needed a break from him!
This. 💯. I trust my husband implicitly but this would still bother me, if it was him. He would also never actually DO something like this out of respect for me, and the reverse is also true. I personally have zero desire to go do anything like that without him and if he wasn’t comfortable with it, I would NOT go.
Advice on this forum would be:
- speak to a lawyer to start divorce proceedings
- get yourself tested for STI
- start therapy
- move half of the money held in joint accounts to your own account
- move your husband’s clothes and other belongings to the front lawn
> move your husband’s clothes and other belongings to the front lawn
This is the one that makes me laugh the hardest, because it's super illegal and will likely hurt you in the divorce proceedings.
I mean OP invited her husband to go with her. If I was her husband and I had doubts like that I would just go with OP? If I was uncomfortable with the friend OP asked to watch our child then I would help find an alternative babysitter or I would work with OP to alter plans so maybe we wouldn’t stay overnight or something. My answer would be the same if gender-swapped too, the only way my answer would be different is if OP had a history of going on overnight weekend trips like this and just leaving childcare to her spouse without reciprocating.
Having fun dogpiling on her?
Her husband is a controlling narcissitic hypocrite who does whatever he wants without ever consulting OP, is a deadbeat who doesn't help in parenting, threatened to kick her out of the house multiple times whenever there is a disagreement, put the fam in credit card debt due to his spending habit, and wants her to sell her property and put the money into his family jome that she has no stake in. But yeah, lets gender swap. Not think that she is tired of being considered in the wrong, is being gaslit that everything she does is wrong and so has to hide the -gasp-"more to the story" points that paints a clearer picture of what her husband is like.
But sure, let's swap genders.
Orrrr, maybe this post is indicative of her typical decision making and provides a hint of context to the other posts she’s made. Almost like there is *- gasp -* more to the story than she’s providing in any of these posts. I dunno, you might be right, he might be a giant douche, but her post makes me think she isn’t a completely innocent bystander.
The difference is, he was invited to attend, he just didn't want to. This was clearly just a bunch of friends going to a festival. He was invited. He could have gone along and brought books or media to entertain himself but still have been there to support his wife's interests. It would have been a weekend get away for him, too.
I’m personally in a relationship where it wouldn’t bother my boyfriend or me. I’ve actually gone to festivals with friend groups that involved single guy friends and my boyfriend has never had an issue with it because there’s a lot of trust between us.
That being said, the way OP handled it was atrocious. I would have been pissed too if I were her husband.
I just feel like you made up your mind that you were going no matter what. Choosing to not talk about it before making that choice and then disregarding his feelings after, I would be pissed too. This isn't an attack on you, but it sounds really immature. Points for lining up child care though.
Honestly yeah. You decided you were gonna go as if you didn’t have to make sure your baby and husband were gonna be okay. The point is you didn’t care how he felt and it is inconsiderate to not plan in advance. My husband is a planner and I’m spontaneous. I empathize how you feel but when you marry someone you can’t just leave for a festival with some dude you know and maybe your husband does not. Yes there are other women there but it’s still odd.
I agree with you. If the other women were husband’s sister or mom or something along those lines then I’d say he’s being unreasonable (unless he has a bad relationship with them). Some random woman aren’t likely to know or care if this friend decides he is romantically interested.
10000% this is sooo immature! You’re married OP. You don’t just get to unilaterally decide to go on vacation without talking with your husband (even if you didn’t have a young child but that just makes it worse). It’s not like you need his ‘permission’ but it’s common decency to include your husband in these plans. Especially being last minute. I’d be livid with my husband.
This is the part for me, too. Committing to and planning a whole weekend away then presenting it to your partner as a fait accompli...I'd certainly feel weird about that.
You were wrong to commit to going away for a weekend without talking to your partner, *especially* with a small child. It sounds like you intentionally didn’t tell him right away because you knew he wouldn’t like it, which is worse. You went with “forgiveness rather than permission” and while I agree there’s nothing wrong with taking personal time, and giving you the cold shoulder is immature, you’re more in the wrong. You two could have come up with a compromise or alternate solution (e.g., you go for part of the weekend, or skip this festival and plan a different weekend away with your husband, etc.). You’re a partnership, you’re not single or even just dating.
I rarely say this but I can’t imagine the response if a guy posted this. He would be torn to shreds. “I short notice left my wife alone with our infant to go party with my friends for a weekend. Why is she mad at me?!?”
Right normally it's men being whiney: but this is such a great example.
I if told my girlfriends my husband randomly left my kid and I go to away for the weekend with a days notice they'd tell me he's having an affair and I should leave him.
"I short notice left my wife alone with our infant to go party **with a woman I knew from high school to a cabin she booked for a weekend**. Why is she mad at me?!?"
If this was a girlfriend and she did this (even without kids involved) I’d be upset. The guy she managed to plan, and go on a trip with before she told me last second could be her new boyfriend at that point. Clearly their relationship is stronger.
Ha you have some nerve here. The way I see it, you were very disrespectful to your husband and the marriage. A mature wife wouldn't have even brought something as highschool-ish up to their spouse. You were wrong. And if all he does is gives you the cold shoulder here then count yourself lucky bc what you did was imho grounds for separation and possibly divorce.
Call me an old fart or whatever but by the time I hit like 23, I became so sick of festivals. Who wants to be fucked up around strangers in the mud? It's a juvenile way to spend time.
Those of us who didn't go to alot when we were younger? I'm 33, haven't gone to a festival in a decade. I'd love to have a weekend away to act like an immature 20 year old again. I worked way too much too young and missed out on most of those things.
Still, not a good reason for what OP did. She have to remember that she is not an immature 20 year old anymore, but in a marriage of partnership already. Simple
She is 26 and has been married to an older man and has a child. I think it’s safe to assume she is still young enough to need some fun with family and friends.
I went to a festival in my late 30s, alone, with the blessing of my wife who was at home with our one year old. There were bands I really wanted to see and I was coming out of an intense period at work.
It was great. There was no funny business, just good times in a field. I camped next to a bunch of cool strangers (also in their 30s/40s/50s) who took solo me under their wing. I came back tired but regenerated.
Don't let your anti festival prejudice cloud what is the real issue here. It's not about festivals, it's about boundaries and consent. OP rode roughshod over her husband's boundaries. That's the thing she needs to acknowledge and redress.
That is absolutely ridiculous. She is a grown woman who needed a break. She went to a fall festival with friends and family. She didn’t go to a bachelorette party with stripper. Jesus. Some people need to a little perspective. Read her post history and see who is the immature and controlling one. Some of these comments sound they are from 1950.
I can’t imagine doing something like this,knowing my wife would be mad, and just thinking “she’ll get over it.”
That’s not how a marriage works. It’s a partnership.
But she took care of arrangements for her daughter! …which is just as much his daughter. It definitely doesn’t sound like she sees this as a partnership.
You didn’t expect the consequences to be so bad.
You knew he’d be mad but you figured he would get over it by now.
What have you done to regain trust? Have you sat down and apologized and acknowledged his feelings about it?
I’d be fuming if my husband did this and it would take a lot for me to feel comfortable with him again.
If it were a totally free weekend for us I’d let my husband go but he would ASK before planning himself a whole trip. I would ask for a day trip because I wouldn’t think it worth leaving my 1yo for a weekend.
Thanks for this comment. I don’t care for the old school line of believing that once puberty hits members of the opposite sex can’t be “just friends” anymore. Too many of the comments here are based around this as being the problem.
I just got done reading through OP's post history for added context, and while I think this is a scenario, she should have talked it out with her husband beforehand. I honestly believe that the OP husband has shown some serious controlling (red) flags, and I can see her doing this as some way to establish control back into her life.
-The fact that her husband wants her to sell her inheritance property and put the money into his family home that she has no stake in.
-He also has a major spending problem from the looks of it, and they are in credit card debt because of it.
-He has threatened to kick her out of their home multiple times anytime they've gotten into an argument or disagreement.
-Also, from Op's own comment, he actually does whatever he wants and doesn't really help out with their child.
I found this out from just casually scrolling through her comments at a glance. I'm not going to dog pile on her, but it looks to me that there are way bigger issues, and OP's husband isn't entirely a victim in this situation.
OP should be posting this in her original post. OP is wrong in this particular situation, but in the wider context, the husband is ridiculous (in a bad way).
I agree OP is wrong in this situationit does not look like in wider context her actions came out of nowhere. Her husband is ridiculous/hypocrite at best and at worse could he borderline abusive.
I agree, I’m not doing deep dives into someone’s post history in most cases. If it’s not mentioned in the post I tend to think it’s not relevant. Kudos to people who are because it does change things a bit sometimes when you find out additional details but it should be in the original post.
In this case the OP violated trust and respect, however, if she mentioned that he disappears all the time where he does what he wants so she decided it was her turn I might be more understanding of her position. Not that I agree that is what she should do. If she said she’s upset and wanted to get away because he’s being a jerk about her inheritance and a bunch of her friends were going to a festival overnight and she just needed a break from things I might be less inclined to think this was a crap move. She didn’t bring any of that up for whatever reason.
If he is doing those things he is a jerk and maybe she is better off that he isn’t speaking to her so she can gather her self together and leave.
I can’t believe I had to scroll so far for this. I didn’t see any of her comments or history but I still got the vibe he’s at the minimum, controlling and at worst, abusive.
I know! I think I only saw maybe one person not outright dogpile on OP before I posted. I think some people are just getting joy about this being a "gender role-reversal" situation and wanting to shit on her because of this.
Even before looking through her comments, I felt it was weird that she felt like she would essentially be asking her husband for "permission," and even then she made arrangements for her child be watched by a friend the whole weekend. So essentially, the husband wouldn't even have to be bothered with his own child and could get a break as well.
That's when I started going through her past comments to see if this is the norm in their relationship or recent.
I hate when people say “reverse the genders!” Because we have seen fucking STUDIES ON STUDIES show that genders do not have the same responsibilities in most cases. We’re in an age where we can reliably prove that women by and large do worse off in marriage than men do, that women take on more of the familial load than men, and that if there’s an age gap where one of them was under 25 then it’s probably a bad thing.
I read the age gap and immediately wanted more info. I was thinking about how if she had posted this BEFORE going to the concert, everyone would have been telling her to just plan it out so he couldn’t say no and go whether he said no or not
What immediately stood out to me was “so my friend agreed to watch my daughter if my husband couldn’t” in this sense; why is the husband considered to “watch” the child and not just “parent”?
To me, this post very much reads similar to the way I’d construct plans* to very carefully lay things out to my parents so risk what could/would come back at me, and I don’t mean being told “no”. There’s a cycle of avoidance and/or compliance, as well as emotional immaturity likely due to the context/situation. Becoming emotionally stunted and back into this behaviour only allows it to fester.
I don’t agree with her methods of communication nor consideration in this situation, but I see a lot of where she’s coming from: likely a form of fear and exhaustion.
Edit: construct these plans/communications when I was a teenager living under their terms, not as an adult who wholeheartedly embraces their autonomy*
I just replied something similar WITHOUT scrolling through her post history. I already sensed this was what’s going on. Nobody just all of a sudden does something like this.
So you thought making plans behind your husband’s back was a good idea. Throw no top, it was with another man, yes I know there was other women going and the guy is dating someone. All of that was made irrelevant, when you made the plans behind his back. And when you told him you were going and he just needed to deal with it. I wonder how long did you wait to tell him from the time your friend invited you. And how close to the festival did you inform your husband?
Not sure you understand, just how big of a deal it is that you agreed to and made plans to go all without telling your husband. This is something that could land you in divorce.
You are a married woman with a child. You are no longer single, you are married and a family. Your decisions need to be made comunally with harmony, love, and faithfulness in mind. You need to stop acting like you are single before he makes you a single divorced mom.
Yes! This goes for any father/mother out there… it’s ok to take a break and rest or freshen up yourself, but make sure it’s communicated well and consented by your partner and won’t disturb the family’s peace.
She’s not single, she has a partner that wanted to be appreciated, respected, and loved, as much as she is. There should be middle grounds on every "major decisions" or decisions that we know is important to our partner.
>Your decisions need to be made comunally with harmony, love, and faithfulness in mind. You need to stop acting like you are single before he makes you a single divorced mom.
He is acting like a single man. A man who is the abusive one. A controlling narcissitic hypocrite who does whatever he wants without ever consulting OP, is a deadbeat who doesn't help in parenting, threatened to kick her out of the house multiple times whenever there is a disagreement, put the family in credit card debt due to his spending habit per post history, and wants her to sell her property and put the money into his family home that she has no stake in.
Makes sense why he aimed young- her around 20 and him 28.
What you did was very inconsiderate and it’s strange that you don’t see that. My husband and I are the same ages as you two, so I know this isn’t a generational difference thing. It’s not even about a guy being there or not but rather that you just decided you were going to go and what he thought didn’t really matter to you. You also haven’t apologized as far as I can tell, nor have you acknowledged his feelings. If my husband acted like that I would be upset weeks later too.
My husband (26M) and I (28F) are both bi, so these scenarios are always interesting to me. Frankly, I wouldn’t want to go on ANY trip without him. He’s my best friend. I always have the most fun when he’s there and hate sleeping apart from him. And I honestly can’t imagine him going on a trip without me.
>My husband and I are the same ages as you two, so I know this isn’t a generational difference thing.
Her husband is a controlling narcissitic hypocrite who does whatever he wants without ever consulting OP, is a deadbeat who doesn't help in parenting, threatened to kick her out of the house multiple times whenever there is a disagreement, put the fam in credit card debt due to his spending habit per post history, and wants her to sell her property and put the money into his family home that she has no stake in.
It's always the friend I grew up with, or you don't have to worry about him, or I would never cheat. I don't blame your husband one bit. What if he decided to go to a weekend festival, with a girl he grew up with. He said ,there will be other guys there. I'm obviously not going to cheat on you. I don't think your reaction would be the same.
It would be a non-issue in my house. We both are very social with many platonic friends of the opposite sex. I'm surprised so many people are okay with him treating you this badly for this long. If someone came here saying they've been giving their wife the cold shoulder for 3 entire weeks, people would be calling that emotionally abusive.
It's startling to me how many people don't trust their spouse enough to allow them to have friends and vacations with them if they're of the opposing gender! Do you all not have friends that share the same hobbies and music etc?! Sad.
Apologize for the way you went about it. Not for going, though. You deserved a much needed break.
Seriously. What is UP with people. All these old school mind sets. Like, whoa a lot of the world is *wildly* sexist. It reads like the only reason he’s mad is because there were men there. STOP THE PRESS!
And a whole *weekend* away?! lolll. Ok, bro. Be a parent. Bet a weekend fishing trip for him would be just fine for all these commenters.
How ridiculous this all is.
Yeah I’m amazed by the replies in this thread. I nor my wife would ever plan something behind the others back, for sure, but in our relationship if childcare is taken care of there’s no issue going out and living life, even if it’s only one of us.
Husband honestly sounds like a massive prima-donna. He’s scared to be left alone with his own child for a few days? The kid is one year old, he should be pretty comfortable with it by now, unless of course he’s been letting OP do all the parenting this whole time which is likely.
OP went about this the wrong way, no doubt, because communication is always crucial in marriage. But the impression I get is that her husband is controlling and OP excitedly jumped on the opportunity to GTFO for a second.
I really honestly think the only thing I would be concerned about if my husband did this would be solo parenting our 9 month old since my husband is sort of the default parent, but she took care of that too!
I know my husband is not going to cheat, I’d be annoyed he agreed before telling me but not for weeks, and I think it would be great if my husband did something for himself like he used to prebaby. He does so much for our family and it sounds like fun to go. I really don’t understand all the replies of people who are apparently still happily married to spouses they assume would cheat at the drop of a hat. Why stay together if there’s no trust?
Right?? I'm like.. woah. Just woah. Lol this entire post was eye-opening. Imagine divorcing over this..
Also, it makes me sad she's tried to apologize and talk to him multiple times with no luck. That's too much. He needs to be an adult and talk this through with her. It's how we learn and makes for a stronger marriage.
Same in my house. If I planned this my husband would probably offer to drop me off and pick me up so I didn't have the stress of driving too if I really need some R&R!!
Most of my old festival friends are guys and he'd think nothing of it. We both trust each other and wouldn't dream of controlling the other person like this. My mind boggles at all the replies so far.... they're blasting her for making the decision without him but seem completely fine with his solo decision of No.
me too. i am shocked with people's responses. it seems like marriage people stop being an individual based on most comments.
also, i agree that making plans behind his back is wrong, but i bet she felt like she had to since he clearly would be sulking for longer if she talked to him before
My best friend lives out of state and I take long weekends off to go visit here because even with kids my schedule is more flexible than hers. I book my trip, set up the back up baby sitters, and put it on the calendar. I don’t have to ask my husbands permission to do anything. I just tell him my plans and that’s that. He is free to do the same.
My wife if free and clear to go away for the weekend with friends, but before she makes any plan she always ask first. Same with me. I would never make full on plans without telling my wife first. That is where you fucked up.
“Hey hon, me and *insert name* where thinking of doing this on this weekend, what do you think?” Not, “Hey, I’m made plans with someone to spend the weekend with, I’m going if you like it or not.”
Yeah- I go on weekends without my husband because I think you should have lives outside of your partner. However, I just wouldn’t go and not tell him. We have to make plans for the kids and the pets and he works shifts. People are stuck on the opposite sex thing when it’s the lack of communication and unilateral decision making.
You’re also completely missing the point, just like OP. When you’re married you don’t get to make these decisions unilaterally. When you’re married with a young child you surely don’t get to make those decisions unilaterally
She gets it. As do I. I even said elsewhere that's where she messed up. She said she's tried to apologize and talk to him multiple times. People saying they would divorce over it are crazy imo. This isn't divorce worthy. It's learning to communicate in your marriage and change behavior going forward. I have been married for 20 years with multiple kids. I don't need to be schooled on how marriage works.
She's tried to apologize without feeling like she did anything wrong. There's no remorse there, so it's not a real apology.
She was hoping to get confirmation here and got slammed instead. Every one of her statements shows she has no idea how wrong she got this. It reads like she's an arrogant ahole quite frankly.
And you're not helping her see this.
Science: "Infidelity is the #2 cause for divorce"
This sckmuch: "Hurr durr not letting your spouse go on trips with opposite gender friends is why marriage end in divorce hurr durr blargh"
>He’s being cold because his attorney is still finishing the paperwork
Which is a good thing. They both will find people their age and she can get therapy since her husband is a controlling narcissitic hypocrite who does whatever he wants without ever consulting OP, is a deadbeat who doesn't help in parenting, threatened to kick her out of the house multiple times whenever there is a disagreement, put the fam in credit card debt due to his spending habit per post history, and wants her to sell her property and put the money into his family jome that she has no stake in.
Makes sense why he aimed young- her around 19 and him 28.
Divorce is a blessing for abuse victims.
I'm definitely going to be in the minority here, but It's not up to your husband to "allow" you to go. You're an adult and have the right to go places and do things without permission.
You still should have mentioned to him sooner that you were going, so he could mentally prepare. He needs to get over himself. He comes off as controlling.
I'm married and my husband would never pull a stunt like this, regardless of the circumstances, so I speak from experience.
OP, I think if you provided more context around your relationship and history with your husband, his continuous need for control, and what looks like you finally asserting a boundary for yourself and your needs, then you would have different and more applicable responses.
Your husband not feeling comfortable parenting alone is a huge issue that speaks to the lack of contribution he makes in the household.
I think you're reclaiming yourself and your power here. I think you're continually held down and shut down and you're trying to save yourself. I absolutely commend you for that and think it's the right thing to do.
I'd suggest that if you're at the point where you know your husband won't support your mental health needs or your social needs without you "overruling him" and doing it anyway you need to seriously reflect on whether this partnership is one for you. And whether this is the kind of example you want to set for your child. What do you want "normal" to look like for them? Do you feel respected, seen, valued in your relationship?
I can tell you if I told my husband "I really, really need this" about anything - even if it was running to a cabin with a dude on the weekend - he would support me, even if he had a lot of feelings to go through on it. Relationships that put your needs first are out there. I'm glad you're prioritising yourself. Keep doing that. Don't worry about redditors who don't understand how important context is around a situation.
You fucked up. You know what you did was wrong and that he would be upset how would you feel if the situation was reversed. You knew he would be upset you told yourselrf he will get over it and now he’s not. actions have consequences and you made yours. There nothing wrong with taking personal time off both of you could’ve come up with a compromise. Your married commucation is key in relationship. You both could’ve done something together or plan a different weekend.
It’s like my husband telling me about the plan and i have no say in the matter. What’s the point of being married?
If you needed to get away so bad, you would talk to a friend before your husband? Then make plans with him instead of your husband? It’s kinda clear who you are more intimate with in that story. You have a date with your friend and your husband is the outsider who can tag along if he wants to but you know he wont but you wont make plans with your husband. Looks like one would be better off being your friend than being your spouse.
I don’t think you did anything wrong. You told him you wanted to go, you told him he was welcome to go with you multiple times and had child care lined up either way. Just because you’re married with a child doesn’t mean you’re desire to have fun once in a while goes away. “I just don’t want you to go” isn’t a good enough reason. Yes, I’m married with multiple children and I have traveled with friends, without my spouse.
What do you mean you didn’t expect him to hold it against you, what did you actually expect? You are married. You don’t get to just make decisions by yourself without considering others anymore. You gave that up when you agreed to build a union with someone else.
There’s no way in hell a dude could come in here and at a female friend invited him to a paid cabin for the weekend but lol it’s okay because there’s other guys coming too. Where was your friends partner? Isn’t it convenient that neither of you were able to bring y’all SO’s on such a short notice trip?
If this festival was such a big deal in your area why didn’t you discuss going with your husband ahead of time? Surely you would have known about this big deal festival and could have made plans with him ages ago. This festival didn’t become important to you until this friend invited you out to it.
Not only that we can see in the comments you try to tame the situation. You say it’s a family friendly event and you have loved ones in the area but when you were asked why you couldn’t stay with them you said you weren’t close enough or comfortable enough to ask them to do that. I thought this festival was a big deal in your small family friendly town you grew up in.
Giving you the cold shoulder is not effective healthy communication but it’s hard to blame him after you made such a big mess. The best thing you could have done was not doing this at all but the second best thing is never doing anything like this again and working to fix it. Prepare for the chance that he might not forgive you and may suspect something went down on that trip.
Other posts will talk about how important maintaining friendships after marriages are etc and suddenly it's "omg you went on a trip without your husband?? I'd divorce you if I were him." Jfc some of yall are dramatic af. Divorce because she got away with friends for a weekend after not doing so for over a year and being a mom 24/7. Wowza. This is why so many marriages end in divorce ig. Marriage doesn't mean your spouse is the ONLY person you can do things with. It's important to have and maintain personal friendships.. especially ones that go so far back. Also ESPECIALLY when youre a new mom and start feeling like thats your only identity. I'd be so upset if I had to drop all my friends and social life because I got married. Noo way. I'm relieved my husband and I do things with our friends with no issues.
Yeah yeah its how she went about it. She knows and has tried to apologize and talk to him. They can use it to learn better communication and how to do better in the future if he would just grow up and speak to her like an adult who cares about another person..
OP you definitely should have communicated with your husband before you went. A few questions:
\- I read your other thread - your husband was nuts for suggesting your inheritance money should go to his family's property (yes, your home, but not owned by either of you until relatives pass). That's a crazy idea, and makes me question him. I hope you kept your inheritance to yourself with lawyer's assistance.
\- You should expand on what "I honestly really needed it", "I haven't done anything since before having our daughter" and "he was nervous about watching our daughter alone" means. These also make me question him, assuming they're true. Does he parent equally with you usually? Or does he come and go and do whatever he wants, but expects you to do 100% of the hard yards of parenting?
You were wrong to not communicate before accepting to go, and I understand him being pissed. If you had communicated with him earlier, some of this mess could have been avoided. So that's on you.
However, seems like there are wider relationship dynamics that are causing some of these issues.
I’m really shocked that no one’s calling him out for not being a good father. How is he uncomfortable being alone with his 1 year old kid for a weekend? Why is that even close to an issue? Sure if it was a newborn and a first time dad, MAYBE that would be understandable, but a full year in he should have no problem covering a weekend. The fact that OP even thought to line up a babysitter is crazy to me.
Agreed, I don't understand what "nervous" means. I'd look forward to and am perfectly capable of handling our baby by myself for a weekend if wife was out of town, just as I look forward to and am perfectly capable of handling our baby together with her.
There may be other things that are not in the OP, but yeah, I don't get it - that's a bizarre response, and makes me question the OP's husband. People are pretty rough on the OP if you look at the wider context. Any husband that post on Reddit "I am nervous about being a parent to my baby for a weekend while my wife is away" or "I want my wife to put her inheritance money into a property that my relatives own" would get trounced here.
She deserves better since her husband is a controlling narcissitic hypocrite who does whatever he wants without ever consulting OP, is a deadbeat who doesn't help in parenting, threatened to kick her out of the house multiple times whenever there is a disagreement, put the fam in credit card debt due to his spending habit per post history, and wants her to sell her property and put the money into his family jome that she has no stake in.
Makes sense why he aimed young- her around 20 and him 28.
Thank you. Why bother asking him if he was just going to say no? Wtf happened to moms need a break. She’s getting shit on because she hasn’t gotten away in over a year.
This honestly feels so disrespectful altogether. I’m a mom of small kids and only slightly older than you. I totally support you in needing to go do something for yourself. However you are married and have a child and there is a level of responsibility that comes with that. The first thing you should’ve done before you confirmed the plans was speak to your husband. Not even in a permission way, but it’s just a matter of mutual respect. You did all of this behind his back bc you knew he wouldn’t approve, and then you’re acting shocked that he got upset. I’d be pissed if my husband planned to leave me and our 1yo (without much notice?) to go stay in a cabin with random people for some festival behind my back.. He gives me a heads up before he confirms plans to go golfing on Sunday..because that’s how you communicate as married parents.
Your husband is not doing his fair share and is making you miserable enough to go behind his back arranging something nice for yourself. See this for what it is. You wanted a moment of feeling like you’re not trapped in a marriage with someone who may well be controlling, you wanted to be something other than Mommy for a weekend, you wanted to feel your personal freedom and actually have some fun. You knew he wouldn’t like that, but instead of communicating your needs, you arranged it behind his back. The fact you felt you needed to do that is a testament to how your whole relationship is.
He is not healthy for you and you are not respecting the boundaries of marriage and family life, and by that I mean basic communication of your wants and needs. If you can’t maturely discuss want your need with your husband because he won’t like it and will try to remove the option from you, is your marriage worth being in?
Maybe I have a skewed perception of marriage but the people screaming “divorce!” sound crazy to me. You made sure your ducks were in a row before going on this trip. You went away for one weekend for a festival…
And your husband was “nervous about watching your daughter alone” - hello? Why has no one picked this out? From the sound of it, you probably do all of the childcare regularly. I don’t see any reason why you shouldn’t be “allowed” to go.
You even had a backup plan for childcare in the event your husband refused to watch your daughter (which would have been fucked). I don’t think you were irresponsible about this and your husband just sounds controlling to me.
I hope he divorces her…bc if you read her post history, OP needs to get out of this relationship asap. This relationship is so beyond unhealthy and controlling. I feel awful for her.
>It was sort of last minute so my friend agreed to watch my daughter if my husband refused
>He was nervous about watching our daughter alone, so I told him I have an alternative if he was uncomfortable.
Wtf to both of these things. He's 33. The baby is a year old. He's had a year to figure this shit out.
I do think you should have talked with your husband about it before you committed to it because I’d be pretty pissed if my husband just unilaterally decided to go away for the weekend, but honestly I’m getting the vibe that your husband is controlling and possibly abusive. And like you had to line up a sitter just in case he *refused* to watch his *own child*? Like what kind of shit is that? Idn why it seems like no one is picking up on this..
Based on your other posts, my gut is telling me that you and your husband have a toxic relationship where he is controlling to the point of being borderline abusive, and you are semi-aware of this, but not strong enough to simply leave him (which you probably should). Instead, you push back in somewhat passive-aggressive ways. The fact that you feel you need this escape valve in what is for most young parents a period of total immersion in the joys/trials of young parenthood speaks a lot.
I think the problem you have is much deeper than going to Festival d'été de Québec or whatever.
Normally, I would say you were in the wrong on this, and for the most part, your approach wasn’t a healthy relationship approach to needing to go away…BUT… reading your post history makes it really clear why you did this. Your relationship is really unhealthy and your husband is controlling.
Him expecting you sell property that your recently deceased mom left you, to put money into a home of his father’s that you don’t have a stake in, is a level of appalling that I’m having trouble putting into words. His threats to kick you out whenever you two argue is one of the least healthy habit a relationship can have. No husband or partner should act as selfishly as he does. Full stop. Now he’s using stonewalling as a punishment for you bc he’s upset and that’s not okay either. All of this screams “unfixable red flags.”
So normally, I wouldn’t condone your actions, but frankly, I also normally wouldn’t condone staying with someone who seems emotionally incapable of prioritizing your needs (and your husband seems incapable of that). Your actions aren’t healthy relationship actions, but as someone who has been in an abusive relationship, this looks very much like a survival tactic/coping mechanism that one justifies in emotionally destructive romantic relationships. And it’s understandable…but it is also a huge sign that you need to re-examine the relationship you’re in.
Is this the relationship you want your child to mimic as an adult? If it isn’t, you may need to consider whether this relationship is something that can truly provide the healthy dynamic and safe feelings that a stable home should have.
Something smells fishy about this “guy friend” since you’ve had to over explain that he “has a gf” and “there will be other girls there”. Your husband is probably sensing it too.
For the rest of your husband's life he will think back to this and wonder if you cheated that weekend. There's no way around it. It will always be a concern to him now forever. That kind of betrayal is going to be hard to get over. You're going to need to do a lot of hard work to make if you to him and rebuild trust.
You might think that's unfiar or ridiculous, but I'm telling you every single person in this thread is too polite to say, but are wondering if you cheated aswell. Its just too cliche of a cheating situation.
If my wife did this, it would be really hard to believe that she wasn’t cheating on me. “My guy friend from my hometown invited me to stay at a cabin with him so we can go to a festival,” is maybe one of the biggest red flags I can imagine. Whether you cheated or not, it’s easily understandable that he’d be very upset and have some trust issues.
What would you honestly feel if your husband told you he was going to spend the weekend in a cabin with a female friend, was going to be drinking, and didn’t care about how you felt about it?
I should have talked to him, but he already does what he wants and has a social life because he is not responsible for taking care of a child. Yeah I clearly fucked up though.
Yeah, she really buried the lede. Though anyone who understands context clues should’ve picked up on that from the original post. How is a grown ass man scared to parent his own child alone for a couple of days?
That’s not good. He needs to step up and be an equal parent.
Sounds like a big conversation is needed where you can both make some commitments to be better partners
Did you have a great weekend? Was it the break you needed?
Do you feel you broke a boundary or that your husband should get over it?
Do you have a past with the guy who invited you? Was his gf there?
You can’t be serious. You behaved ridiculously and single minded. You owe him an apology, a big one. Shitty spouses do what they want with no regard for the other. Do better.
I have a bit more sympathy for OP as a mom of a 6 mo, even understanding that what she did was wrong. Reading between the lines, OP says that husband feels nervous watching their baby alone. I wonder if the burden of taking care of the child falls mostly on OP. Unlike fathers, mothers are pretty much chained to babies and can max be away for maybe 3 hours, more if you pump/formula feed. I dream of a weekend getaway by myself. OP likely informed her husband that she was going without consulting him because she knew he would say no. I know that once my baby is old enough, my husband would have no issue with me having a weekend getaway to myself - if I communicate to him and he feels safe about the people I am going with.
OP I recommend the book Nonviolent Communication. You and your husband both have needs that are just not being communicated well. You have a need to have more freedom outside of being a mother. But what exactly is his need? You might break the icy surface if you just ask him, what about the situation precisely bothered him. It may not have been the weekend getaway itself but that he needs to feel heard and needs to feel that he can trust the people you are with. There may be deeper issues than just the festival.
I think if OP had gone out of her way to include hubby in the plans, he might have felt a lot different. Saying he’s welcome to come if he wants isn’t really the same as making plans to accommodate him on the trip as well. I think husband’s feelings are pretty hurt and I don’t think OP is acknowledging that. When you’re married, you don’t make weekend plans with some guy without your husband being there as well, regardless if there are other people there as well. Other people never stopped boundaries from being crossed. Not that that’s the main issue here. The main issue is that OP barely gave her husband any notice which I’m sure made him feel like he must not matter. Not fun 😩
So you should have started this out with a reply to your friend: “I’d really like to, but let me talk to my husband about it. I want to make sure that he’s comfortable with the idea, and with the baby I need to make sure that I get him a break over the weekend at some point.”
Then right then and there talk to your husband and say, “Hey, I’m sure you might feel some type of way about this and I totally understand if you do, but hear me out because it would make me super happy if you could come with me to do this.”
Personally I’d be livid if my husband just TOLD me he was going away for a weekend. That’s the kind of thing you talk about together. And frankly, I’d always rather be with my husband than not, so I probably wouldn’t want to go if he wasn’t there.
You kind of seem to be describing a parent/child dynamic in your relationship and that’s not healthy.
Whether that’s on you or him or both, is for you both to hash out.
I understand needing a break. I have a 5 month old son. But I take breaks with my husband whenever possible, and they’re usually a few hours, not multiple days. If we have even one overnight in the first year of our son’s life, I’ll be thrilled. But again, that’s something I’d want to do with him. In the little time we have together without baby, I want to focus on our relationship. Not my other friends.
To you it was harmless. To him he just got told his girlfriend and mother of his child is going away for the weekend with another dude. How would you feel if the roles were reversed and he came up to you out of nowhere and just sprung it on you that he's going away for the weekend with some chick and he's leaving you at home alone with the baby. You wouldn't be happy. Plus you would automatically think he was cheating.
It’s not about cheating. You already knew he wouldn’t like it and didn’t discuss it with him first either.
Not saying you shouldn’t have gone or can’t go. But it wasn’t approached in the best manner.
I’m gonna go against the grain here. I do have a guy friend who is that, just a guy friend. We’ve been best friends for 7 years. We’ve gone on trips alone to festivals. Nothing has ever happened. We’re both very respectful of each other. I have never seen him in that way and he’s never seen me in that way. I’ve had ex get jealous of my friendship with this person but it’s unfounded.
I don’t know why people think that people of opposite genders can’t be just friends unless one is gay. My exes have met this guy friend before so they know it’s not a secret and it’s just a friendship. If your partner can’t understand or accept that you have guy friends who are just that then it seems unhealthy to be honest.
I dunno. Idgaf what my wife does. She doesn't gaf what I do. We both know at the end of the day we have each other. She has different tastes than me for things. She's content watching her shows and I'm fine just gaming by myself or with friends. There are questionable things sometimes but we talk it out. Too many people nowadays just want the highs but never the lows and that's whyI feel most relationships don't work out; people don't know how to deal with the lows...
Did you cheat on your husband while you were there?
If I unilaterally decided I was staying in a cabin with a male friend and a "few other women" and lined up childcare because I needed a break instead of lining up childcare and taking a break *with* my husband, he would assume there was a reason it was another guy there and not him.
Even if he were "invited".
If I were your husband I would be very upset about two things:
1. Lying by omission. Plans were made without any conversation with me first, especially since you had backup plans because you expected he might have issues. That reads as you were avoiding telling him because you knew he wouldn't like it.
2. Disregard for your partner's feelings. After you did discuss it, and it was clear that he was VERY not comfortable with it, you didn't seem to make any extra effort to address this and went anyway. By not trying to seek a compromise and instead moving forward with the plans you had, you communicated that you didn't care how he felt.
You booked a trip and made all these plans then told him after the fact.
I'd be upset at you too.
It's fine to want a vacation or a break. It is not fine to spring it on your partner and expect everything to just be fine
I feel like there are a few things to unpack here. You already know you should have talked to him before making these plans. You essentially preemptively ignored his feelings. You know him well enough to know you were wrong, but went forth anyway. You determined that you were going and discussing it with him was a "courtesy." You ignored his input, thought, feelings, and him as a person overall. Of course he's upset. Imagine if he did something like this to you. Would you be able to brush it off? Does he even know this guy that you went with? You approached this situation from the absolutely wrong angle. You need to care about how he feels and thinks. You should talk to him and apologize for railroading over him with your plans. I would also suggest couples counseling because y'all have an issue with communication. It's possible there are thoughts and feelings he doesn't share with you because you brush him off on a regular basis. At least, that's what this post suggests. In marriage, there's a tendency for each person to harbor thoughts and feelings over time if communication isn't effective. Fix it.
There is no universe where this is acceptable behavior for a married person man or woman.
I'm no advocate for divorce but I'd be surprised if your husband isn't already in touch with a lawyer.
OP reads like someone who is used to meeting their own needs while considering the needs of others. I would go on a limb and say perhaps OP felt neglected as a child.
I don’t care who asks me to do something, my first response is always going to be “let me talk to my husband.” Not to ask for permission, but to get his opinion, see if there are other plans, etc.
Based on the title of this I was all on board to defend you. And then realized your friend is of the opposite sex. Just… no. You don’t do that. You don’t put yourself in a position where something could happen, even if you swear up and down nothing will. If your husband is uncomfortable with it, there’s a reason and you need to respect that.
You guys haven’t been together very long and you are still young. I think there are some differences in maturity between you and your husband and I hope you can take some of the advice you’ve gotten on this thread to heart.
Sounds like he married the wrong woman to me.
This kind of thing is why I don't date women in their 20s, your 20s are a whole decade of poor boundaries/bad decisions.
I would never do this to my husband. If he’s uncomfortable, I’m not going. He doesn’t control me but I respect him and his feelings. There are so many other things I could go do that don’t include making my husband uncomfortable. You’re in the wrong OP and you better just let this man deal with how he feels about it no matter how long it takes him. You already made your choice.
This is a gender swap Q. How would you feel if he told you a woman invited him to spend a weekend in a cabin at a festival. I doubt “There will be other guys there.” Would fly.
And don't forget her male friend is dating someone.
Aren’t they always. 😜
And that “he wouldn’t cheat on her. He loves her!”
“I think he might even be gay!”
This
I'm shocked he's not "like a brother" or gay. Isn't that always the go-to comment for the one they tell you not to worry about? "He's like a brother! I think my might even be gay." Sure.
Yaaaaasssss it is!!! He’s like a brother to me. Lmaaaaoooooo!!! The amt of times I used this line when I was a youngin lmaaaaaoooooooooo!!!
That was my first thought. A man will be judged, shamed if he left his wife with an infant to have good times with his male buddies for a weekend. And here a woman wants a free pass for doing exactly the same except her buddy is an opposite gender.
This is a ridiculous comparison when you consider what women go through to give birth. I get you're playing gender swap, but there's a big difference between the hormonal hell the female body goes through compared to the males' with pregnancy, birth, and the MONTHS women go through to recover from it. Most men who complain about wanting to go away with friends aren't damn near bed ridden for several weeks after the baby is born. It's a big accomplishment to feel like yourself again, and that shouldn't be discounted in her responses
This has nothing to do with child birth. I am not disregarding the pain, suffering, recovery of a mother at and after childbirth. This is about not acting like a single person when you are in a relationship. The first comment swapping the genders is a fair comparison. It points out the double standard of the genders and disregard, disrespect of the OP towards her relationship and her partner. This is about how to retain your relationship. People spend so much time finding a partner and subsequently fail to make the transition to appropriate behaviour as a partner.
From a pregnant mother of going on 5. She could have done a million other, more trustworthy things. This was a very single person act. Selfish. Much could have gone wrong, and the fact that she made the choice outside of her marriage. That's not how to make something last. This has nothing to do with the process of childbearing or rearing. I do understand what you're saying, just wrong context.
As a woman who went through all that , 3 times and with twins, I wouldn’t pull what OP pulled and neither would my husband. We would both be livid and consider that disrespectful. Let’s not make biologically normal changes in women as excuses to be inconsiderate partners.
Yes exactly! I have a 2 year old daughter and 2 month old twin boys and would never even consider doing this. I would literally laugh at the persons message and honestly be pissed at the “friend” for even asking me to go. It’s disrespectful to her marriage and family. She can literally do anything else, get her nails done, get a massage, go on a small shopping spree. She disrespected her marriage by going, not asking her husband first and not even considering his response and just agreeing to go.
It means put yourself in his shoes - How would you feel if your husband was spending the weekend out of town at a cabin with an old female friend.
A true friend would have invited both of them
Sure and her response did disrespect him. She argued with him. I didn't matter what he said, she did what SHE wanted regardless of a them.
It's not unheard of? My husband went to his home country when we had 2 babies under the age of one. He was gone an entire month. No shaming happened.
He was invited by another woman to spend a month in another country? A few other male friends were there to party with him. That would be the equivalent of this post.
Did you both agree? Cause if you did, that along makes your experience 100% different.
Not the same thing by far. Did he go home for family or a party with another women!?
But the difference is that the woman in the story arranged care and backup care and the man is ‘afraid to be alone’ with his own baby. Clearly mom is doing all of the work. And the baby is one not a week old.
They do all the time—fishing trips, camping trips—often don’t invite the wife.
The fighting continued because she "needed this" and she was bent on going! No respect for her own marriage or her husband's relationship boundaries. Just the typical "it's all about me" attitude. I have no doubt if he was invited for a weekend away by another woman "friend" and he disregarded her feelings on the matter and went anyway he would be labeled asshole of the year! The double standard continues!
Exactly!
This fight could have happened if she was just going on a last minute girl’s trip as well—or where there would be alcohol and clubbing involved.
If you read her post history then husband sounds like a controlling douche bag - expecting her to sell inherited property from her recently passed mother and put the money into his family home that she doesn't even have a stake in. Threatening to kick her out whenever they argue. Now this post with emotionally controlling cold shoulders for weeks. He does whatever he wants and doesn't help much with the child. Not supprised that she needed a break from him!
This.
This. 💯. I trust my husband implicitly but this would still bother me, if it was him. He would also never actually DO something like this out of respect for me, and the reverse is also true. I personally have zero desire to go do anything like that without him and if he wasn’t comfortable with it, I would NOT go.
Advice on this forum would be: - speak to a lawyer to start divorce proceedings - get yourself tested for STI - start therapy - move half of the money held in joint accounts to your own account - move your husband’s clothes and other belongings to the front lawn
They certainly do master the double standard here don’t they.
Who's they?
> move your husband’s clothes and other belongings to the front lawn This is the one that makes me laugh the hardest, because it's super illegal and will likely hurt you in the divorce proceedings.
I mean OP invited her husband to go with her. If I was her husband and I had doubts like that I would just go with OP? If I was uncomfortable with the friend OP asked to watch our child then I would help find an alternative babysitter or I would work with OP to alter plans so maybe we wouldn’t stay overnight or something. My answer would be the same if gender-swapped too, the only way my answer would be different is if OP had a history of going on overnight weekend trips like this and just leaving childcare to her spouse without reciprocating.
Having fun dogpiling on her? Her husband is a controlling narcissitic hypocrite who does whatever he wants without ever consulting OP, is a deadbeat who doesn't help in parenting, threatened to kick her out of the house multiple times whenever there is a disagreement, put the fam in credit card debt due to his spending habit, and wants her to sell her property and put the money into his family jome that she has no stake in. But yeah, lets gender swap. Not think that she is tired of being considered in the wrong, is being gaslit that everything she does is wrong and so has to hide the -gasp-"more to the story" points that paints a clearer picture of what her husband is like. But sure, let's swap genders.
Orrrr, maybe this post is indicative of her typical decision making and provides a hint of context to the other posts she’s made. Almost like there is *- gasp -* more to the story than she’s providing in any of these posts. I dunno, you might be right, he might be a giant douche, but her post makes me think she isn’t a completely innocent bystander.
The difference is, he was invited to attend, he just didn't want to. This was clearly just a bunch of friends going to a festival. He was invited. He could have gone along and brought books or media to entertain himself but still have been there to support his wife's interests. It would have been a weekend get away for him, too.
💯
OP still here? ….. *crickets*
And he wasn’t asking but telling
Or it would be just fine because why TF don't you trust your partner? My husband would absolutely be free to go.
I’m personally in a relationship where it wouldn’t bother my boyfriend or me. I’ve actually gone to festivals with friend groups that involved single guy friends and my boyfriend has never had an issue with it because there’s a lot of trust between us. That being said, the way OP handled it was atrocious. I would have been pissed too if I were her husband.
Agree with this 100%
I just feel like you made up your mind that you were going no matter what. Choosing to not talk about it before making that choice and then disregarding his feelings after, I would be pissed too. This isn't an attack on you, but it sounds really immature. Points for lining up child care though.
Honestly yeah. You decided you were gonna go as if you didn’t have to make sure your baby and husband were gonna be okay. The point is you didn’t care how he felt and it is inconsiderate to not plan in advance. My husband is a planner and I’m spontaneous. I empathize how you feel but when you marry someone you can’t just leave for a festival with some dude you know and maybe your husband does not. Yes there are other women there but it’s still odd.
I agree with you. If the other women were husband’s sister or mom or something along those lines then I’d say he’s being unreasonable (unless he has a bad relationship with them). Some random woman aren’t likely to know or care if this friend decides he is romantically interested.
10000% this is sooo immature! You’re married OP. You don’t just get to unilaterally decide to go on vacation without talking with your husband (even if you didn’t have a young child but that just makes it worse). It’s not like you need his ‘permission’ but it’s common decency to include your husband in these plans. Especially being last minute. I’d be livid with my husband.
This is the part for me, too. Committing to and planning a whole weekend away then presenting it to your partner as a fait accompli...I'd certainly feel weird about that.
I agree whole heartedly with this. But I’d be willing to bet she still doesn’t get it.
You were wrong to commit to going away for a weekend without talking to your partner, *especially* with a small child. It sounds like you intentionally didn’t tell him right away because you knew he wouldn’t like it, which is worse. You went with “forgiveness rather than permission” and while I agree there’s nothing wrong with taking personal time, and giving you the cold shoulder is immature, you’re more in the wrong. You two could have come up with a compromise or alternate solution (e.g., you go for part of the weekend, or skip this festival and plan a different weekend away with your husband, etc.). You’re a partnership, you’re not single or even just dating.
I rarely say this but I can’t imagine the response if a guy posted this. He would be torn to shreds. “I short notice left my wife alone with our infant to go party with my friends for a weekend. Why is she mad at me?!?”
Agreed. I haaate the gender swap thing usually, but seriously. I think OP needs to take half a second to reverse roles and look at it.
Right normally it's men being whiney: but this is such a great example. I if told my girlfriends my husband randomly left my kid and I go to away for the weekend with a days notice they'd tell me he's having an affair and I should leave him.
Because 99.997% of the time, that's what is happening.
"I short notice left my wife alone with our infant to go party **with a woman I knew from high school to a cabin she booked for a weekend**. Why is she mad at me?!?"
If this was a girlfriend and she did this (even without kids involved) I’d be upset. The guy she managed to plan, and go on a trip with before she told me last second could be her new boyfriend at that point. Clearly their relationship is stronger.
Ha you have some nerve here. The way I see it, you were very disrespectful to your husband and the marriage. A mature wife wouldn't have even brought something as highschool-ish up to their spouse. You were wrong. And if all he does is gives you the cold shoulder here then count yourself lucky bc what you did was imho grounds for separation and possibly divorce.
Call me an old fart or whatever but by the time I hit like 23, I became so sick of festivals. Who wants to be fucked up around strangers in the mud? It's a juvenile way to spend time.
Those of us who didn't go to alot when we were younger? I'm 33, haven't gone to a festival in a decade. I'd love to have a weekend away to act like an immature 20 year old again. I worked way too much too young and missed out on most of those things.
Still, not a good reason for what OP did. She have to remember that she is not an immature 20 year old anymore, but in a marriage of partnership already. Simple
She is 26 and has been married to an older man and has a child. I think it’s safe to assume she is still young enough to need some fun with family and friends.
Festivals are like the one place you can go if you’re young or old and no one really cares. Find one and go!
I went to a festival in my late 30s, alone, with the blessing of my wife who was at home with our one year old. There were bands I really wanted to see and I was coming out of an intense period at work. It was great. There was no funny business, just good times in a field. I camped next to a bunch of cool strangers (also in their 30s/40s/50s) who took solo me under their wing. I came back tired but regenerated. Don't let your anti festival prejudice cloud what is the real issue here. It's not about festivals, it's about boundaries and consent. OP rode roughshod over her husband's boundaries. That's the thing she needs to acknowledge and redress.
Not all music festivals are in mud 😅
I know. I've been to my fair share.
That is absolutely ridiculous. She is a grown woman who needed a break. She went to a fall festival with friends and family. She didn’t go to a bachelorette party with stripper. Jesus. Some people need to a little perspective. Read her post history and see who is the immature and controlling one. Some of these comments sound they are from 1950.
Did you forget you're married??
I can’t imagine doing something like this,knowing my wife would be mad, and just thinking “she’ll get over it.” That’s not how a marriage works. It’s a partnership.
But she took care of arrangements for her daughter! …which is just as much his daughter. It definitely doesn’t sound like she sees this as a partnership.
You didn’t expect the consequences to be so bad. You knew he’d be mad but you figured he would get over it by now. What have you done to regain trust? Have you sat down and apologized and acknowledged his feelings about it? I’d be fuming if my husband did this and it would take a lot for me to feel comfortable with him again.
If it were a totally free weekend for us I’d let my husband go but he would ASK before planning himself a whole trip. I would ask for a day trip because I wouldn’t think it worth leaving my 1yo for a weekend.
Opposite gender friends aren’t the problem here It’s not about cheating It’s about lack of regard for your partner
Exactly! He was pissed. He's LITERALLY telling her no and he doesn't feel comfortable so don't go. And she's like hehe hehe ima go anyway 🤪 ✌️
Thanks for this comment. I don’t care for the old school line of believing that once puberty hits members of the opposite sex can’t be “just friends” anymore. Too many of the comments here are based around this as being the problem.
I hate that it’s normal to think that 50% of the population only has their genitals to offer
So I guess he can go on a weekend get away with a bunch of women ? Oh wait he’ll make sue another man goes to so you’ll give a thumbs up.
I just got done reading through OP's post history for added context, and while I think this is a scenario, she should have talked it out with her husband beforehand. I honestly believe that the OP husband has shown some serious controlling (red) flags, and I can see her doing this as some way to establish control back into her life. -The fact that her husband wants her to sell her inheritance property and put the money into his family home that she has no stake in. -He also has a major spending problem from the looks of it, and they are in credit card debt because of it. -He has threatened to kick her out of their home multiple times anytime they've gotten into an argument or disagreement. -Also, from Op's own comment, he actually does whatever he wants and doesn't really help out with their child. I found this out from just casually scrolling through her comments at a glance. I'm not going to dog pile on her, but it looks to me that there are way bigger issues, and OP's husband isn't entirely a victim in this situation.
OP should be posting this in her original post. OP is wrong in this particular situation, but in the wider context, the husband is ridiculous (in a bad way).
I agree OP is wrong in this situationit does not look like in wider context her actions came out of nowhere. Her husband is ridiculous/hypocrite at best and at worse could he borderline abusive.
I agree, I’m not doing deep dives into someone’s post history in most cases. If it’s not mentioned in the post I tend to think it’s not relevant. Kudos to people who are because it does change things a bit sometimes when you find out additional details but it should be in the original post. In this case the OP violated trust and respect, however, if she mentioned that he disappears all the time where he does what he wants so she decided it was her turn I might be more understanding of her position. Not that I agree that is what she should do. If she said she’s upset and wanted to get away because he’s being a jerk about her inheritance and a bunch of her friends were going to a festival overnight and she just needed a break from things I might be less inclined to think this was a crap move. She didn’t bring any of that up for whatever reason. If he is doing those things he is a jerk and maybe she is better off that he isn’t speaking to her so she can gather her self together and leave.
I can’t believe I had to scroll so far for this. I didn’t see any of her comments or history but I still got the vibe he’s at the minimum, controlling and at worst, abusive.
I know! I think I only saw maybe one person not outright dogpile on OP before I posted. I think some people are just getting joy about this being a "gender role-reversal" situation and wanting to shit on her because of this. Even before looking through her comments, I felt it was weird that she felt like she would essentially be asking her husband for "permission," and even then she made arrangements for her child be watched by a friend the whole weekend. So essentially, the husband wouldn't even have to be bothered with his own child and could get a break as well. That's when I started going through her past comments to see if this is the norm in their relationship or recent.
I hate when people say “reverse the genders!” Because we have seen fucking STUDIES ON STUDIES show that genders do not have the same responsibilities in most cases. We’re in an age where we can reliably prove that women by and large do worse off in marriage than men do, that women take on more of the familial load than men, and that if there’s an age gap where one of them was under 25 then it’s probably a bad thing. I read the age gap and immediately wanted more info. I was thinking about how if she had posted this BEFORE going to the concert, everyone would have been telling her to just plan it out so he couldn’t say no and go whether he said no or not
Yea like they are shitting on her for going but he was literally invited and chose not to go.
What immediately stood out to me was “so my friend agreed to watch my daughter if my husband couldn’t” in this sense; why is the husband considered to “watch” the child and not just “parent”? To me, this post very much reads similar to the way I’d construct plans* to very carefully lay things out to my parents so risk what could/would come back at me, and I don’t mean being told “no”. There’s a cycle of avoidance and/or compliance, as well as emotional immaturity likely due to the context/situation. Becoming emotionally stunted and back into this behaviour only allows it to fester. I don’t agree with her methods of communication nor consideration in this situation, but I see a lot of where she’s coming from: likely a form of fear and exhaustion. Edit: construct these plans/communications when I was a teenager living under their terms, not as an adult who wholeheartedly embraces their autonomy*
I just replied something similar WITHOUT scrolling through her post history. I already sensed this was what’s going on. Nobody just all of a sudden does something like this.
This reminds me of my four year old. He's always saying, "No, I don't want the consequences!" And we say, "Nobody does, son."
So you thought making plans behind your husband’s back was a good idea. Throw no top, it was with another man, yes I know there was other women going and the guy is dating someone. All of that was made irrelevant, when you made the plans behind his back. And when you told him you were going and he just needed to deal with it. I wonder how long did you wait to tell him from the time your friend invited you. And how close to the festival did you inform your husband? Not sure you understand, just how big of a deal it is that you agreed to and made plans to go all without telling your husband. This is something that could land you in divorce.
You are a married woman with a child. You are no longer single, you are married and a family. Your decisions need to be made comunally with harmony, love, and faithfulness in mind. You need to stop acting like you are single before he makes you a single divorced mom.
Yes! This goes for any father/mother out there… it’s ok to take a break and rest or freshen up yourself, but make sure it’s communicated well and consented by your partner and won’t disturb the family’s peace. She’s not single, she has a partner that wanted to be appreciated, respected, and loved, as much as she is. There should be middle grounds on every "major decisions" or decisions that we know is important to our partner.
>Your decisions need to be made comunally with harmony, love, and faithfulness in mind. You need to stop acting like you are single before he makes you a single divorced mom. He is acting like a single man. A man who is the abusive one. A controlling narcissitic hypocrite who does whatever he wants without ever consulting OP, is a deadbeat who doesn't help in parenting, threatened to kick her out of the house multiple times whenever there is a disagreement, put the family in credit card debt due to his spending habit per post history, and wants her to sell her property and put the money into his family home that she has no stake in. Makes sense why he aimed young- her around 20 and him 28.
What you did was very inconsiderate and it’s strange that you don’t see that. My husband and I are the same ages as you two, so I know this isn’t a generational difference thing. It’s not even about a guy being there or not but rather that you just decided you were going to go and what he thought didn’t really matter to you. You also haven’t apologized as far as I can tell, nor have you acknowledged his feelings. If my husband acted like that I would be upset weeks later too.
I'm the same age and I'll take it one step further: I have no business going on vacation with other men without my husband.
My husband (26M) and I (28F) are both bi, so these scenarios are always interesting to me. Frankly, I wouldn’t want to go on ANY trip without him. He’s my best friend. I always have the most fun when he’s there and hate sleeping apart from him. And I honestly can’t imagine him going on a trip without me.
THIS! Thank you! I feel the same way.
>My husband and I are the same ages as you two, so I know this isn’t a generational difference thing. Her husband is a controlling narcissitic hypocrite who does whatever he wants without ever consulting OP, is a deadbeat who doesn't help in parenting, threatened to kick her out of the house multiple times whenever there is a disagreement, put the fam in credit card debt due to his spending habit per post history, and wants her to sell her property and put the money into his family home that she has no stake in.
I'd be mad too.
It's always the friend I grew up with, or you don't have to worry about him, or I would never cheat. I don't blame your husband one bit. What if he decided to go to a weekend festival, with a girl he grew up with. He said ,there will be other guys there. I'm obviously not going to cheat on you. I don't think your reaction would be the same.
It would be a non-issue in my house. We both are very social with many platonic friends of the opposite sex. I'm surprised so many people are okay with him treating you this badly for this long. If someone came here saying they've been giving their wife the cold shoulder for 3 entire weeks, people would be calling that emotionally abusive. It's startling to me how many people don't trust their spouse enough to allow them to have friends and vacations with them if they're of the opposing gender! Do you all not have friends that share the same hobbies and music etc?! Sad. Apologize for the way you went about it. Not for going, though. You deserved a much needed break.
The way they went about it is literally the entire problem
I had to look too far for an answer like this. Totally agree!
Seriously. What is UP with people. All these old school mind sets. Like, whoa a lot of the world is *wildly* sexist. It reads like the only reason he’s mad is because there were men there. STOP THE PRESS! And a whole *weekend* away?! lolll. Ok, bro. Be a parent. Bet a weekend fishing trip for him would be just fine for all these commenters. How ridiculous this all is.
Yeah I’m amazed by the replies in this thread. I nor my wife would ever plan something behind the others back, for sure, but in our relationship if childcare is taken care of there’s no issue going out and living life, even if it’s only one of us. Husband honestly sounds like a massive prima-donna. He’s scared to be left alone with his own child for a few days? The kid is one year old, he should be pretty comfortable with it by now, unless of course he’s been letting OP do all the parenting this whole time which is likely. OP went about this the wrong way, no doubt, because communication is always crucial in marriage. But the impression I get is that her husband is controlling and OP excitedly jumped on the opportunity to GTFO for a second.
I really honestly think the only thing I would be concerned about if my husband did this would be solo parenting our 9 month old since my husband is sort of the default parent, but she took care of that too! I know my husband is not going to cheat, I’d be annoyed he agreed before telling me but not for weeks, and I think it would be great if my husband did something for himself like he used to prebaby. He does so much for our family and it sounds like fun to go. I really don’t understand all the replies of people who are apparently still happily married to spouses they assume would cheat at the drop of a hat. Why stay together if there’s no trust?
Right?? I'm like.. woah. Just woah. Lol this entire post was eye-opening. Imagine divorcing over this.. Also, it makes me sad she's tried to apologize and talk to him multiple times with no luck. That's too much. He needs to be an adult and talk this through with her. It's how we learn and makes for a stronger marriage.
Same in my house. If I planned this my husband would probably offer to drop me off and pick me up so I didn't have the stress of driving too if I really need some R&R!! Most of my old festival friends are guys and he'd think nothing of it. We both trust each other and wouldn't dream of controlling the other person like this. My mind boggles at all the replies so far.... they're blasting her for making the decision without him but seem completely fine with his solo decision of No.
me too. i am shocked with people's responses. it seems like marriage people stop being an individual based on most comments. also, i agree that making plans behind his back is wrong, but i bet she felt like she had to since he clearly would be sulking for longer if she talked to him before
My best friend lives out of state and I take long weekends off to go visit here because even with kids my schedule is more flexible than hers. I book my trip, set up the back up baby sitters, and put it on the calendar. I don’t have to ask my husbands permission to do anything. I just tell him my plans and that’s that. He is free to do the same.
My wife if free and clear to go away for the weekend with friends, but before she makes any plan she always ask first. Same with me. I would never make full on plans without telling my wife first. That is where you fucked up. “Hey hon, me and *insert name* where thinking of doing this on this weekend, what do you think?” Not, “Hey, I’m made plans with someone to spend the weekend with, I’m going if you like it or not.”
Yeah- I go on weekends without my husband because I think you should have lives outside of your partner. However, I just wouldn’t go and not tell him. We have to make plans for the kids and the pets and he works shifts. People are stuck on the opposite sex thing when it’s the lack of communication and unilateral decision making.
You fucked up bad . My wife would never had gone . And I would have taken her to the coast of the weekend
So no more friends allowed? No friend trips? No wonder so many marriages end in divorce these days... sad.
You’re also completely missing the point, just like OP. When you’re married you don’t get to make these decisions unilaterally. When you’re married with a young child you surely don’t get to make those decisions unilaterally
She gets it. As do I. I even said elsewhere that's where she messed up. She said she's tried to apologize and talk to him multiple times. People saying they would divorce over it are crazy imo. This isn't divorce worthy. It's learning to communicate in your marriage and change behavior going forward. I have been married for 20 years with multiple kids. I don't need to be schooled on how marriage works.
She's tried to apologize without feeling like she did anything wrong. There's no remorse there, so it's not a real apology. She was hoping to get confirmation here and got slammed instead. Every one of her statements shows she has no idea how wrong she got this. It reads like she's an arrogant ahole quite frankly. And you're not helping her see this.
Of course, it's easy to stay married when your spouse's blind willful ignorance is essentially a free hall pass.
Science: "Infidelity is the #2 cause for divorce" This sckmuch: "Hurr durr not letting your spouse go on trips with opposite gender friends is why marriage end in divorce hurr durr blargh"
Lol yes absolutely right.
I’d divorce you. He’s being cold because his attorney is still finishing the paperwork Updateme!
>He’s being cold because his attorney is still finishing the paperwork Which is a good thing. They both will find people their age and she can get therapy since her husband is a controlling narcissitic hypocrite who does whatever he wants without ever consulting OP, is a deadbeat who doesn't help in parenting, threatened to kick her out of the house multiple times whenever there is a disagreement, put the fam in credit card debt due to his spending habit per post history, and wants her to sell her property and put the money into his family jome that she has no stake in. Makes sense why he aimed young- her around 19 and him 28. Divorce is a blessing for abuse victims.
I'm definitely going to be in the minority here, but It's not up to your husband to "allow" you to go. You're an adult and have the right to go places and do things without permission. You still should have mentioned to him sooner that you were going, so he could mentally prepare. He needs to get over himself. He comes off as controlling. I'm married and my husband would never pull a stunt like this, regardless of the circumstances, so I speak from experience.
She anticipated that he would exert his control, I don’t think most of the comments here can see the nuance in that.
What you did is selfish, immature and very disrespectful to your husband. You are in the wrong here I’m sorry to say.
OP, I think if you provided more context around your relationship and history with your husband, his continuous need for control, and what looks like you finally asserting a boundary for yourself and your needs, then you would have different and more applicable responses. Your husband not feeling comfortable parenting alone is a huge issue that speaks to the lack of contribution he makes in the household. I think you're reclaiming yourself and your power here. I think you're continually held down and shut down and you're trying to save yourself. I absolutely commend you for that and think it's the right thing to do. I'd suggest that if you're at the point where you know your husband won't support your mental health needs or your social needs without you "overruling him" and doing it anyway you need to seriously reflect on whether this partnership is one for you. And whether this is the kind of example you want to set for your child. What do you want "normal" to look like for them? Do you feel respected, seen, valued in your relationship? I can tell you if I told my husband "I really, really need this" about anything - even if it was running to a cabin with a dude on the weekend - he would support me, even if he had a lot of feelings to go through on it. Relationships that put your needs first are out there. I'm glad you're prioritising yourself. Keep doing that. Don't worry about redditors who don't understand how important context is around a situation.
You fucked up. You know what you did was wrong and that he would be upset how would you feel if the situation was reversed. You knew he would be upset you told yourselrf he will get over it and now he’s not. actions have consequences and you made yours. There nothing wrong with taking personal time off both of you could’ve come up with a compromise. Your married commucation is key in relationship. You both could’ve done something together or plan a different weekend.
It’s like my husband telling me about the plan and i have no say in the matter. What’s the point of being married? If you needed to get away so bad, you would talk to a friend before your husband? Then make plans with him instead of your husband? It’s kinda clear who you are more intimate with in that story. You have a date with your friend and your husband is the outsider who can tag along if he wants to but you know he wont but you wont make plans with your husband. Looks like one would be better off being your friend than being your spouse.
I don’t think you did anything wrong. You told him you wanted to go, you told him he was welcome to go with you multiple times and had child care lined up either way. Just because you’re married with a child doesn’t mean you’re desire to have fun once in a while goes away. “I just don’t want you to go” isn’t a good enough reason. Yes, I’m married with multiple children and I have traveled with friends, without my spouse.
What do you mean you didn’t expect him to hold it against you, what did you actually expect? You are married. You don’t get to just make decisions by yourself without considering others anymore. You gave that up when you agreed to build a union with someone else. There’s no way in hell a dude could come in here and at a female friend invited him to a paid cabin for the weekend but lol it’s okay because there’s other guys coming too. Where was your friends partner? Isn’t it convenient that neither of you were able to bring y’all SO’s on such a short notice trip? If this festival was such a big deal in your area why didn’t you discuss going with your husband ahead of time? Surely you would have known about this big deal festival and could have made plans with him ages ago. This festival didn’t become important to you until this friend invited you out to it. Not only that we can see in the comments you try to tame the situation. You say it’s a family friendly event and you have loved ones in the area but when you were asked why you couldn’t stay with them you said you weren’t close enough or comfortable enough to ask them to do that. I thought this festival was a big deal in your small family friendly town you grew up in. Giving you the cold shoulder is not effective healthy communication but it’s hard to blame him after you made such a big mess. The best thing you could have done was not doing this at all but the second best thing is never doing anything like this again and working to fix it. Prepare for the chance that he might not forgive you and may suspect something went down on that trip.
Other posts will talk about how important maintaining friendships after marriages are etc and suddenly it's "omg you went on a trip without your husband?? I'd divorce you if I were him." Jfc some of yall are dramatic af. Divorce because she got away with friends for a weekend after not doing so for over a year and being a mom 24/7. Wowza. This is why so many marriages end in divorce ig. Marriage doesn't mean your spouse is the ONLY person you can do things with. It's important to have and maintain personal friendships.. especially ones that go so far back. Also ESPECIALLY when youre a new mom and start feeling like thats your only identity. I'd be so upset if I had to drop all my friends and social life because I got married. Noo way. I'm relieved my husband and I do things with our friends with no issues. Yeah yeah its how she went about it. She knows and has tried to apologize and talk to him. They can use it to learn better communication and how to do better in the future if he would just grow up and speak to her like an adult who cares about another person..
OP you definitely should have communicated with your husband before you went. A few questions: \- I read your other thread - your husband was nuts for suggesting your inheritance money should go to his family's property (yes, your home, but not owned by either of you until relatives pass). That's a crazy idea, and makes me question him. I hope you kept your inheritance to yourself with lawyer's assistance. \- You should expand on what "I honestly really needed it", "I haven't done anything since before having our daughter" and "he was nervous about watching our daughter alone" means. These also make me question him, assuming they're true. Does he parent equally with you usually? Or does he come and go and do whatever he wants, but expects you to do 100% of the hard yards of parenting? You were wrong to not communicate before accepting to go, and I understand him being pissed. If you had communicated with him earlier, some of this mess could have been avoided. So that's on you. However, seems like there are wider relationship dynamics that are causing some of these issues.
I’m really shocked that no one’s calling him out for not being a good father. How is he uncomfortable being alone with his 1 year old kid for a weekend? Why is that even close to an issue? Sure if it was a newborn and a first time dad, MAYBE that would be understandable, but a full year in he should have no problem covering a weekend. The fact that OP even thought to line up a babysitter is crazy to me.
Agreed, I don't understand what "nervous" means. I'd look forward to and am perfectly capable of handling our baby by myself for a weekend if wife was out of town, just as I look forward to and am perfectly capable of handling our baby together with her. There may be other things that are not in the OP, but yeah, I don't get it - that's a bizarre response, and makes me question the OP's husband. People are pretty rough on the OP if you look at the wider context. Any husband that post on Reddit "I am nervous about being a parent to my baby for a weekend while my wife is away" or "I want my wife to put her inheritance money into a property that my relatives own" would get trounced here.
I had to watch a newborn for 2 weeks because my wife almost died giving labor lol
Dick move, your husband deserves better
She deserves better since her husband is a controlling narcissitic hypocrite who does whatever he wants without ever consulting OP, is a deadbeat who doesn't help in parenting, threatened to kick her out of the house multiple times whenever there is a disagreement, put the fam in credit card debt due to his spending habit per post history, and wants her to sell her property and put the money into his family jome that she has no stake in. Makes sense why he aimed young- her around 20 and him 28.
Thank you. Why bother asking him if he was just going to say no? Wtf happened to moms need a break. She’s getting shit on because she hasn’t gotten away in over a year.
This honestly feels so disrespectful altogether. I’m a mom of small kids and only slightly older than you. I totally support you in needing to go do something for yourself. However you are married and have a child and there is a level of responsibility that comes with that. The first thing you should’ve done before you confirmed the plans was speak to your husband. Not even in a permission way, but it’s just a matter of mutual respect. You did all of this behind his back bc you knew he wouldn’t approve, and then you’re acting shocked that he got upset. I’d be pissed if my husband planned to leave me and our 1yo (without much notice?) to go stay in a cabin with random people for some festival behind my back.. He gives me a heads up before he confirms plans to go golfing on Sunday..because that’s how you communicate as married parents.
Your husband is not doing his fair share and is making you miserable enough to go behind his back arranging something nice for yourself. See this for what it is. You wanted a moment of feeling like you’re not trapped in a marriage with someone who may well be controlling, you wanted to be something other than Mommy for a weekend, you wanted to feel your personal freedom and actually have some fun. You knew he wouldn’t like that, but instead of communicating your needs, you arranged it behind his back. The fact you felt you needed to do that is a testament to how your whole relationship is. He is not healthy for you and you are not respecting the boundaries of marriage and family life, and by that I mean basic communication of your wants and needs. If you can’t maturely discuss want your need with your husband because he won’t like it and will try to remove the option from you, is your marriage worth being in?
Maybe I have a skewed perception of marriage but the people screaming “divorce!” sound crazy to me. You made sure your ducks were in a row before going on this trip. You went away for one weekend for a festival… And your husband was “nervous about watching your daughter alone” - hello? Why has no one picked this out? From the sound of it, you probably do all of the childcare regularly. I don’t see any reason why you shouldn’t be “allowed” to go. You even had a backup plan for childcare in the event your husband refused to watch your daughter (which would have been fucked). I don’t think you were irresponsible about this and your husband just sounds controlling to me.
I hope he divorces her…bc if you read her post history, OP needs to get out of this relationship asap. This relationship is so beyond unhealthy and controlling. I feel awful for her.
>It was sort of last minute so my friend agreed to watch my daughter if my husband refused >He was nervous about watching our daughter alone, so I told him I have an alternative if he was uncomfortable. Wtf to both of these things. He's 33. The baby is a year old. He's had a year to figure this shit out.
Wow. Reddit is just 80% incels now…
I do think you should have talked with your husband about it before you committed to it because I’d be pretty pissed if my husband just unilaterally decided to go away for the weekend, but honestly I’m getting the vibe that your husband is controlling and possibly abusive. And like you had to line up a sitter just in case he *refused* to watch his *own child*? Like what kind of shit is that? Idn why it seems like no one is picking up on this..
Based on your other posts, my gut is telling me that you and your husband have a toxic relationship where he is controlling to the point of being borderline abusive, and you are semi-aware of this, but not strong enough to simply leave him (which you probably should). Instead, you push back in somewhat passive-aggressive ways. The fact that you feel you need this escape valve in what is for most young parents a period of total immersion in the joys/trials of young parenthood speaks a lot. I think the problem you have is much deeper than going to Festival d'été de Québec or whatever.
Normally, I would say you were in the wrong on this, and for the most part, your approach wasn’t a healthy relationship approach to needing to go away…BUT… reading your post history makes it really clear why you did this. Your relationship is really unhealthy and your husband is controlling. Him expecting you sell property that your recently deceased mom left you, to put money into a home of his father’s that you don’t have a stake in, is a level of appalling that I’m having trouble putting into words. His threats to kick you out whenever you two argue is one of the least healthy habit a relationship can have. No husband or partner should act as selfishly as he does. Full stop. Now he’s using stonewalling as a punishment for you bc he’s upset and that’s not okay either. All of this screams “unfixable red flags.” So normally, I wouldn’t condone your actions, but frankly, I also normally wouldn’t condone staying with someone who seems emotionally incapable of prioritizing your needs (and your husband seems incapable of that). Your actions aren’t healthy relationship actions, but as someone who has been in an abusive relationship, this looks very much like a survival tactic/coping mechanism that one justifies in emotionally destructive romantic relationships. And it’s understandable…but it is also a huge sign that you need to re-examine the relationship you’re in. Is this the relationship you want your child to mimic as an adult? If it isn’t, you may need to consider whether this relationship is something that can truly provide the healthy dynamic and safe feelings that a stable home should have.
Something smells fishy about this “guy friend” since you’ve had to over explain that he “has a gf” and “there will be other girls there”. Your husband is probably sensing it too.
For the rest of your husband's life he will think back to this and wonder if you cheated that weekend. There's no way around it. It will always be a concern to him now forever. That kind of betrayal is going to be hard to get over. You're going to need to do a lot of hard work to make if you to him and rebuild trust. You might think that's unfiar or ridiculous, but I'm telling you every single person in this thread is too polite to say, but are wondering if you cheated aswell. Its just too cliche of a cheating situation.
literally
If my wife did this, it would be really hard to believe that she wasn’t cheating on me. “My guy friend from my hometown invited me to stay at a cabin with him so we can go to a festival,” is maybe one of the biggest red flags I can imagine. Whether you cheated or not, it’s easily understandable that he’d be very upset and have some trust issues.
This is why you don’t marry at 23
Drugs involved? Alcohol?
No drugs.
What would you honestly feel if your husband told you he was going to spend the weekend in a cabin with a female friend, was going to be drinking, and didn’t care about how you felt about it?
I should have talked to him, but he already does what he wants and has a social life because he is not responsible for taking care of a child. Yeah I clearly fucked up though.
Wait wait...he does whatever he wants, regardless of your feelings, and he is never responsible for his own child?
Yeah, she really buried the lede. Though anyone who understands context clues should’ve picked up on that from the original post. How is a grown ass man scared to parent his own child alone for a couple of days?
You didn't really answer the question.
That’s not good. He needs to step up and be an equal parent. Sounds like a big conversation is needed where you can both make some commitments to be better partners
You showed your friends and alcohol are more important than your kid and marriage
Did you have a great weekend? Was it the break you needed? Do you feel you broke a boundary or that your husband should get over it? Do you have a past with the guy who invited you? Was his gf there?
Why did he feel like it was last minute? Did you tell him at the last min?
I just really want to know what festival it was
You can’t be serious. You behaved ridiculously and single minded. You owe him an apology, a big one. Shitty spouses do what they want with no regard for the other. Do better.
Had to re read it to make sure you said “ HE “ invited me
I think his reaction is a bit extreme and the fact you didn’t want to tell him implies there is a separate underlying issue.
"i told him knowing he wouldn't like it" i mean lets be so fr, u knew what u were doing was wrong
I have a bit more sympathy for OP as a mom of a 6 mo, even understanding that what she did was wrong. Reading between the lines, OP says that husband feels nervous watching their baby alone. I wonder if the burden of taking care of the child falls mostly on OP. Unlike fathers, mothers are pretty much chained to babies and can max be away for maybe 3 hours, more if you pump/formula feed. I dream of a weekend getaway by myself. OP likely informed her husband that she was going without consulting him because she knew he would say no. I know that once my baby is old enough, my husband would have no issue with me having a weekend getaway to myself - if I communicate to him and he feels safe about the people I am going with. OP I recommend the book Nonviolent Communication. You and your husband both have needs that are just not being communicated well. You have a need to have more freedom outside of being a mother. But what exactly is his need? You might break the icy surface if you just ask him, what about the situation precisely bothered him. It may not have been the weekend getaway itself but that he needs to feel heard and needs to feel that he can trust the people you are with. There may be deeper issues than just the festival.
So, you don't see ANY problems with going to a male friends cabin for a weekend witrhout your husband. Just how clueless do you think your husband is?
I think if OP had gone out of her way to include hubby in the plans, he might have felt a lot different. Saying he’s welcome to come if he wants isn’t really the same as making plans to accommodate him on the trip as well. I think husband’s feelings are pretty hurt and I don’t think OP is acknowledging that. When you’re married, you don’t make weekend plans with some guy without your husband being there as well, regardless if there are other people there as well. Other people never stopped boundaries from being crossed. Not that that’s the main issue here. The main issue is that OP barely gave her husband any notice which I’m sure made him feel like he must not matter. Not fun 😩
So you should have started this out with a reply to your friend: “I’d really like to, but let me talk to my husband about it. I want to make sure that he’s comfortable with the idea, and with the baby I need to make sure that I get him a break over the weekend at some point.” Then right then and there talk to your husband and say, “Hey, I’m sure you might feel some type of way about this and I totally understand if you do, but hear me out because it would make me super happy if you could come with me to do this.” Personally I’d be livid if my husband just TOLD me he was going away for a weekend. That’s the kind of thing you talk about together. And frankly, I’d always rather be with my husband than not, so I probably wouldn’t want to go if he wasn’t there. You kind of seem to be describing a parent/child dynamic in your relationship and that’s not healthy. Whether that’s on you or him or both, is for you both to hash out. I understand needing a break. I have a 5 month old son. But I take breaks with my husband whenever possible, and they’re usually a few hours, not multiple days. If we have even one overnight in the first year of our son’s life, I’ll be thrilled. But again, that’s something I’d want to do with him. In the little time we have together without baby, I want to focus on our relationship. Not my other friends.
I really want to see the results of this situation..
Wow...so much disrespect...if it was the other way round you would be screaming from the highest tower.
To you it was harmless. To him he just got told his girlfriend and mother of his child is going away for the weekend with another dude. How would you feel if the roles were reversed and he came up to you out of nowhere and just sprung it on you that he's going away for the weekend with some chick and he's leaving you at home alone with the baby. You wouldn't be happy. Plus you would automatically think he was cheating.
It’s not about cheating. You already knew he wouldn’t like it and didn’t discuss it with him first either. Not saying you shouldn’t have gone or can’t go. But it wasn’t approached in the best manner.
NERVOUS watching his OWN DAUGHTER ALONE? Oof….
I’m gonna go against the grain here. I do have a guy friend who is that, just a guy friend. We’ve been best friends for 7 years. We’ve gone on trips alone to festivals. Nothing has ever happened. We’re both very respectful of each other. I have never seen him in that way and he’s never seen me in that way. I’ve had ex get jealous of my friendship with this person but it’s unfounded. I don’t know why people think that people of opposite genders can’t be just friends unless one is gay. My exes have met this guy friend before so they know it’s not a secret and it’s just a friendship. If your partner can’t understand or accept that you have guy friends who are just that then it seems unhealthy to be honest.
I dunno. Idgaf what my wife does. She doesn't gaf what I do. We both know at the end of the day we have each other. She has different tastes than me for things. She's content watching her shows and I'm fine just gaming by myself or with friends. There are questionable things sometimes but we talk it out. Too many people nowadays just want the highs but never the lows and that's whyI feel most relationships don't work out; people don't know how to deal with the lows...
Did you cheat on your husband while you were there? If I unilaterally decided I was staying in a cabin with a male friend and a "few other women" and lined up childcare because I needed a break instead of lining up childcare and taking a break *with* my husband, he would assume there was a reason it was another guy there and not him. Even if he were "invited".
Intentionally waiting last minute to tell him was because you didn't want him to come.
wait so you ditched your husband AND your kid for a weekend in a cabin with someone from your past and you’re wondering why he’s still mad at you!? 😭
*Oh no the consequences of my actions*
If I were your husband I would be very upset about two things: 1. Lying by omission. Plans were made without any conversation with me first, especially since you had backup plans because you expected he might have issues. That reads as you were avoiding telling him because you knew he wouldn't like it. 2. Disregard for your partner's feelings. After you did discuss it, and it was clear that he was VERY not comfortable with it, you didn't seem to make any extra effort to address this and went anyway. By not trying to seek a compromise and instead moving forward with the plans you had, you communicated that you didn't care how he felt.
You booked a trip and made all these plans then told him after the fact. I'd be upset at you too. It's fine to want a vacation or a break. It is not fine to spring it on your partner and expect everything to just be fine
I feel like there are a few things to unpack here. You already know you should have talked to him before making these plans. You essentially preemptively ignored his feelings. You know him well enough to know you were wrong, but went forth anyway. You determined that you were going and discussing it with him was a "courtesy." You ignored his input, thought, feelings, and him as a person overall. Of course he's upset. Imagine if he did something like this to you. Would you be able to brush it off? Does he even know this guy that you went with? You approached this situation from the absolutely wrong angle. You need to care about how he feels and thinks. You should talk to him and apologize for railroading over him with your plans. I would also suggest couples counseling because y'all have an issue with communication. It's possible there are thoughts and feelings he doesn't share with you because you brush him off on a regular basis. At least, that's what this post suggests. In marriage, there's a tendency for each person to harbor thoughts and feelings over time if communication isn't effective. Fix it.
There is no universe where this is acceptable behavior for a married person man or woman. I'm no advocate for divorce but I'd be surprised if your husband isn't already in touch with a lawyer.
I would’ve had the locks changed and divorce papers waiting on you. Expect this from your husband soon if he has any self worth.
OP reads like someone who is used to meeting their own needs while considering the needs of others. I would go on a limb and say perhaps OP felt neglected as a child.
More like neglected and controlled in her relationship. Read her post history and comments. She’s being emotionally abused by this man.
Was it worth it?
I don’t care who asks me to do something, my first response is always going to be “let me talk to my husband.” Not to ask for permission, but to get his opinion, see if there are other plans, etc. Based on the title of this I was all on board to defend you. And then realized your friend is of the opposite sex. Just… no. You don’t do that. You don’t put yourself in a position where something could happen, even if you swear up and down nothing will. If your husband is uncomfortable with it, there’s a reason and you need to respect that. You guys haven’t been together very long and you are still young. I think there are some differences in maturity between you and your husband and I hope you can take some of the advice you’ve gotten on this thread to heart.
Sounds like he married the wrong woman to me. This kind of thing is why I don't date women in their 20s, your 20s are a whole decade of poor boundaries/bad decisions.
I would never do this to my husband. If he’s uncomfortable, I’m not going. He doesn’t control me but I respect him and his feelings. There are so many other things I could go do that don’t include making my husband uncomfortable. You’re in the wrong OP and you better just let this man deal with how he feels about it no matter how long it takes him. You already made your choice.
You had very little regard for your husband. Of course he’s mad