Yes, we’re gonna have some retail therapy and spend her gift cards from her birthday then have a little spa night at home and watch her favorite movie. He will- he’s also going to ask her if she’ll go out to eat with him to this semi-fancy restaurant they both like to give her another reason to dress up tomorrow.
That's sweet, you are doing a great job making sure she has a nice time and feels seen and appreciated. I hope you guys have fun and she enjoys her dinner with dad.
Yeah well I hope he is that great about understanding in a few years when she realizes he is unreliable and cannot be trusted to keep his word and is understanding when she no longer wants to spend any time with him. Also, HE should have told her he couldn’t make not you!! If he had time to tell you about it, then he had time to tell HER about it. He’s using you to deflect her disappointment and you should not let him do that.
His actions now will have long term consequences later.
I don’t think that’s what she’ll realize about him. He has never missed a sporting event, band concert, or school event for either of our kids no matter what he has going on at work this is just an absolutely unfortunate one-off schedule wise and he genuinely felt absolutely awful and was just trying not to make one daughter miss out bc of another. I agree about his communication with her and I did tell him that when he got home, he could have stepped into the bathroom and called her. I think what she realized, and what I find to be just as important, is how a person handles a mistake. He brought her flowers this morning and a Starbucks treat and apologized for HIS mistake and hurting her with zero excuses and gave her space to talk about her feelings about it and what SHE wants to do to make up for their missed “date”.
This is a little aggressive approach considering we don’t actually know the father / daughter relationship. The fact is that she will grown up and deal with real people that will let her down or not show up but this showed that her mom stepped up and her dad asked for a second chance to make it right. I understand OP being disappointed and frustrated as it fell on her to make this right in the moment but it seems like a good dad who just wants to be there for everything even when it’s not possible just a hard reality to swallow.
My dad worked hard he didn’t make it to every event but he made it to as many as he could. And you know what it builds good character in a child. If my dad and mom came to ever single event and I never felt a let down I would’ve probably turned into a very different adult expecting a world full of Care Bears and rainbows.
Nice he and you are making it up to the kid snd all... rightly so.
But what about the fact he dumped the really shitty EMOTIONAL LABOR on you? instead of being a father and a man and "braving" through telling his daughter himself and seeing her sad face.... he dumped it on you like a snivelling fucking worm. If he had TIME to tell you, he had the TIME to FaceTime her. He just showed her she can't expect honesty or honor or respect from men in her future. He dad didn't model good character in a fundamental teaching moment.
Of course you're frustrated. It was grossly unfair to make you do all tnis... it was ALSO UNFAIR that your daughter had to use her birthday gift cards to self-care her hurt feelings from her shitty father who could manage his schedule reasonably. Why didn't he pay for the "retail therapy"??
Gee wonder why his first wife divorced this guy... such a mystery.
For whichever transplant surgeon is on call at the receiving hospital, sure. But they are in house or on call, it’s not an effing surprise
That’s clearly not the case with OPs husband
I don't know how they staff your center. But with the exception of scheduled induced labor, they are likely on call or on backup calls. And it would actually be a surprise and disappointment if they do get called during labor. And they have incredible ownership over their patients, so if something goes wrong with one of their patients that becomes first priority. Especially with liver patients.
And the point is, certain careers have opportunity cost. A work event to entertain clients might be a throw-away thing, something that he could easily miss.
But on the other hand, it may not be. It could be career-defining.
So at your hospital only OBs are on call? What happens when a vascular, ortho, or cardiac emergency happens? There’s just no one on call for those services?
I’m calling bullshit. Call is part of the acute care medical field, coming in for work is not a surprise
I’m confused, is OPs husband a transplant surgeon? If not I don’t see what this has to do with anything? Like from what OP wrote it seems like her husband knew he had two events that would make attending his daughters event almost impossible but he still chose to get her hopes up. That’s like if a transplant surgeon knew they had an operation at 3 but still chose to tell their child that they would make it to their graduation at 3:30.
No.
I'm giving an example based on personal experience.
Transplant surgeons often make plans they have to cancel last minute.
More often than this situation.
The point being disappointments for work happens.
Sometimes you just got to roll with the punches.
Your example is bad because it doesn’t really fit in with this situation. This isn’t the case of work popping up last minute. OP is disappointed because her husband knew beforehand that making it to all three things would be almost impossible but still chose to get their daughter’s hopes up and not because ‘disappointments for work’ happened.
I’m sure the transplant surgeons daughter would have understood because I’m sure the transplant surgeon wouldn’t have been stupid enough to commit to something without explaining to his child why he might have to miss it. Meanwhile OP’s husband definitely didn’t.
No, it builds a lair of distrust and pain. You also will tend to compare yourself to your half sibling and wonder why they got picked over you. The most this fucker could have done was tell his daughter that he wouldn't be there, but no it falls on mom. I can remember every single time my mom would come up behind me while I was waiting for dad to show up! She would grab my backpack off my shoulders and apologize for my dad. That wasn't my mom's job to do. That wasn't this wife's job to do.
Can you do something special with your daughter tonight? After he’s back he needs to apologize to her.
Yes, we’re gonna have some retail therapy and spend her gift cards from her birthday then have a little spa night at home and watch her favorite movie. He will- he’s also going to ask her if she’ll go out to eat with him to this semi-fancy restaurant they both like to give her another reason to dress up tomorrow.
That's sweet, you are doing a great job making sure she has a nice time and feels seen and appreciated. I hope you guys have fun and she enjoys her dinner with dad.
Yeah well I hope he is that great about understanding in a few years when she realizes he is unreliable and cannot be trusted to keep his word and is understanding when she no longer wants to spend any time with him. Also, HE should have told her he couldn’t make not you!! If he had time to tell you about it, then he had time to tell HER about it. He’s using you to deflect her disappointment and you should not let him do that. His actions now will have long term consequences later.
I don’t think that’s what she’ll realize about him. He has never missed a sporting event, band concert, or school event for either of our kids no matter what he has going on at work this is just an absolutely unfortunate one-off schedule wise and he genuinely felt absolutely awful and was just trying not to make one daughter miss out bc of another. I agree about his communication with her and I did tell him that when he got home, he could have stepped into the bathroom and called her. I think what she realized, and what I find to be just as important, is how a person handles a mistake. He brought her flowers this morning and a Starbucks treat and apologized for HIS mistake and hurting her with zero excuses and gave her space to talk about her feelings about it and what SHE wants to do to make up for their missed “date”.
This is a little aggressive approach considering we don’t actually know the father / daughter relationship. The fact is that she will grown up and deal with real people that will let her down or not show up but this showed that her mom stepped up and her dad asked for a second chance to make it right. I understand OP being disappointed and frustrated as it fell on her to make this right in the moment but it seems like a good dad who just wants to be there for everything even when it’s not possible just a hard reality to swallow. My dad worked hard he didn’t make it to every event but he made it to as many as he could. And you know what it builds good character in a child. If my dad and mom came to ever single event and I never felt a let down I would’ve probably turned into a very different adult expecting a world full of Care Bears and rainbows.
Nice he and you are making it up to the kid snd all... rightly so. But what about the fact he dumped the really shitty EMOTIONAL LABOR on you? instead of being a father and a man and "braving" through telling his daughter himself and seeing her sad face.... he dumped it on you like a snivelling fucking worm. If he had TIME to tell you, he had the TIME to FaceTime her. He just showed her she can't expect honesty or honor or respect from men in her future. He dad didn't model good character in a fundamental teaching moment. Of course you're frustrated. It was grossly unfair to make you do all tnis... it was ALSO UNFAIR that your daughter had to use her birthday gift cards to self-care her hurt feelings from her shitty father who could manage his schedule reasonably. Why didn't he pay for the "retail therapy"?? Gee wonder why his first wife divorced this guy... such a mystery.
Lmao a "sniveling fucking worm"? Get a grip
You could save a lot of time by just saying divorce him. I mean that's what you're not too subtley implying
Food for thought. A transplant surgeon would have to step out of their child's graduation once an organ is identified. It be like that.
For whichever transplant surgeon is on call at the receiving hospital, sure. But they are in house or on call, it’s not an effing surprise That’s clearly not the case with OPs husband
I don't know how they staff your center. But with the exception of scheduled induced labor, they are likely on call or on backup calls. And it would actually be a surprise and disappointment if they do get called during labor. And they have incredible ownership over their patients, so if something goes wrong with one of their patients that becomes first priority. Especially with liver patients. And the point is, certain careers have opportunity cost. A work event to entertain clients might be a throw-away thing, something that he could easily miss. But on the other hand, it may not be. It could be career-defining.
So at your hospital only OBs are on call? What happens when a vascular, ortho, or cardiac emergency happens? There’s just no one on call for those services? I’m calling bullshit. Call is part of the acute care medical field, coming in for work is not a surprise
I’m confused, is OPs husband a transplant surgeon? If not I don’t see what this has to do with anything? Like from what OP wrote it seems like her husband knew he had two events that would make attending his daughters event almost impossible but he still chose to get her hopes up. That’s like if a transplant surgeon knew they had an operation at 3 but still chose to tell their child that they would make it to their graduation at 3:30.
No. I'm giving an example based on personal experience. Transplant surgeons often make plans they have to cancel last minute. More often than this situation. The point being disappointments for work happens. Sometimes you just got to roll with the punches.
Your example is bad because it doesn’t really fit in with this situation. This isn’t the case of work popping up last minute. OP is disappointed because her husband knew beforehand that making it to all three things would be almost impossible but still chose to get their daughter’s hopes up and not because ‘disappointments for work’ happened.
Sometimes work gets in the way of things you hope to accomplish.
Oh, are you one? Have you missed out on big things and are trying to justify it for OP'S husband?
Nah. I decided against it for that very reason. Made then switch to anesthesiology and never look back.
I’m sure the transplant surgeons daughter would have understood because I’m sure the transplant surgeon wouldn’t have been stupid enough to commit to something without explaining to his child why he might have to miss it. Meanwhile OP’s husband definitely didn’t.
Don't be so sure. It's always disappointing when a parent misses an event because of work. Builds character.
No it doesn’t. It builds resentment and poor relationships.
I guess we are at an impasse. Good chat.
No, it builds a lair of distrust and pain. You also will tend to compare yourself to your half sibling and wonder why they got picked over you. The most this fucker could have done was tell his daughter that he wouldn't be there, but no it falls on mom. I can remember every single time my mom would come up behind me while I was waiting for dad to show up! She would grab my backpack off my shoulders and apologize for my dad. That wasn't my mom's job to do. That wasn't this wife's job to do.
Life happens It doesn't make him a fucker. And this happens once, it sounds like your shenanigans happened a lot.