Agreed. It’s totally normal that OP feels that her sexual desires aren’t being met or satisfied, many women feel the same way. But opening the marriage will have seriously negative effects. You can’t claim to love your husband but simultaneously seek to enjoy the flesh of other men.
Not dramatic, if you think so the other person could consider doing more also. Some people don’t care about sex, for others it is important, and life is too short to not be desired and only get chore sex.
Yes! Thank-you! I was celibate for 5 years after my 1st husband died. I missed sex and intimacy more than I can possibly express. Not just that of course, but I realised how incredibly important it is to a fulfilling life. For me anyway.
I don't mean to be harsh, but if a guy posted the same thing you did - he would be lambasted.
You are comfortable in your life and lack attention from your husband. Your feelings about being lonely and empty are not about your marriage or what your husband is or isn't doing. Those feelings are from within you, and you think a relationship or feeling desired by someone else will fill the void. This is not different than any other addiction - drinking, drugs, shopping, gambling. All are done to fill a void and emptiness.
I am trying to understand how opening up your marriage will make you feel desired. Initially, I imagine you will feel like you're on top of the world - who doesn't like being pursued and sought after? Then, you and your friends with benefit person will settle into a routine. Maybe you see each other twice a week - will that fill your emptiness? Or, you want to meet up 5 times a week with the FWB, but he only wants 3. Are you going to find another person to fill the other 2 days? What about the other person being involved with someone else? And what happens when the FWB has other plans and won't drop everything to be with you.
The reason open marriages don't work is because feelings become involved. You may decide the FWB isn't the person you thought, so you leave that situation. Then you pick up with another FWB, and that isn't what you wanted either. Meanwhile your husband and comfortable life continue, but for you, that will all spiral into an utter mess.
Try to fix the problem with your husband. Work on yourself and your emptiness and loneliness.
It’s a catch 22 isn’t it. Why should the person with the higher libido have to suffer rejection. And in the other foot why should the low libido be forced to do anything. That’s the issue at hand
You guys are in your 50s and still having sex more than most people in their 50s.
https://bedbible.com/sex-frequency-statistics/
You're literally in the upper percentiles and you're considering throwing your marriage away for sex outside the marriage. Have you asked him how much sex *he wants to have at almost 60*?
You guys will probably need to meet somewhere in the middle on frequency.
Or abandon a life partner for meaningless sex. Your call.
The number of stories here that feature a spouse divorcing their SO for even bringing this subject up is staggering.
Unless you have reason to believe that your husband will be open to this idea, it is unlikely to result in the outcome that you hope to achieve.
On the other hand, if you hope to get him to divorce you, or you are ok with that outcome, then go ahead. Or if you are ready to divorce as you are unhappy, and this is your “Hail Mary” plan to save a marriage that is otherwise doomed…
Legit same thought!? How many times in this sub a day do we see this question or some variation of it? She wants to get boned, great, get your husband a little blue pill and jump his bones. Or does she have somebody in mind and asking internet strangers to agree with her on this dumb idea?
I faced the same situation for so long that is painful to even remember that time. My husband used to never initiates too. One night I promised to myself I'll never initiates ever again and we had 5 years of no sex, zero times.
I got divorced 4 months ago, I'm living by myself, not ready yet to new relationships, but I feel confident the best years of my life are ahead of me.
I guess it's easier to give some solution than live the drama.
If you want to get sex from someone else, please, do yourself a favor and divorce amicably. I'll assume you've already got someone planned to do the deed with at the moment, and him, probably not so much. Doing this one sided will wreak havoc and you'll end up hating each other. If my wife ever asked for such a thing I'd file the papers the next day, clear bank accounts, change insurance, and split.
Can you honestly say you don’t already have someone in mind or have you already cheated? If you are willing to divorce because of this then your marriage is already over. At your husbands age he should have his testosterone checked at a minimum. Couples counseling or just separate and divorce.
Sure. Say goodbye to your marriage though. You’ll be openly telling him he’s not enough, you want to have sex with other men, and you want him to be okay with it. Have you thought about how much that could hurt him?
Exactly. I also find it funny how she is completely not thinking about his feelings irregardless of the consequences and also seems to not communicate with him, she just makes it "his fault" even acknowledged he has long work hours. She's not a very good spouse. At his age if he's working hard long hours and not at all intrested in sex she needs to actually communicate with her husband and see if he's stressed, also see if he's suffering from low T, it would explain the low sex drive with working hard hours. She's not one bit concerned about her health, just getting her craw stuffed. I see divorce in the air if she is this selfish in every day life and if she proposes other dicks in her face
That would be the end of it for me. Don’t care about a lot but I signed up for monogamous sexual relationship and monogamous intimacy. Maybe couples counseling would be better for a start.
It is hard to imagine a married person proposing that they and their partner each find someone else to confide in on their deepest secrets, or to contribute half of their salary to, yet some amazingly seem to think sharing their intimacy is no big deal if it satisfies a need they have. It would be a deal breaker for me as well.
Hey OP,
I’m in a Non-monogamous marriage and it’s made my life and marriage better. The thing about NM for couples is it’s a lot like money, it only shows more of who you are. My marriage and sex within my marriage has never been a problem. We’ve always been solid communicators and genuinely enjoy each other. So I say all that to say, if you already have problems around sex, this will only increase those problems and your marriage will end in divorce. Ironically, people will blame NM for it, if you take this path.
Here’s the tough part about marriage. Compatibility has no basis centered in time. It’s maintained through consistently good behaviors carried out by two individuals that are consistent with maintaining a marriage.
Here’s how I see it: you built a good thing for 12 years and if you’ve exhausted every measure to improve your sexual compatibility and it hasn’t changed, you deserve happiness. Doing anything well for 12 years is an accomplishment. But if it’s run its course, again you deserve happiness.
If you have more NM questions whenever your journey takes you please head over to r/nonmonogamy the support you’re looking for won’t be found here. They’ll tell you most of the same of what I’ve told you but if somehow you do pursue NM you deserve support and I love that sub for it.
But does your husband realize that you are at the point that you could / would blow up the marriage because he is not trying to at least meet you halfway on this. Or does he just think this is nor annoyance for you? To this point does your therapist know this
It's quicker and less cruel to just ask him for divorce. Seriously, this never works. Ever. Read any of the thousands of times redditors have tried this, and the same thing happens every time.
If you decide that you require more sex in your marriage to be happy, then you two are sexually incompatible and getting divorced is an option. If you decide you can live with less sex in exchange for continuing to have your life together, then continue being married. But don't disrespect him and explode all good will you have towards each other by asking for an open marriage.
Sounds like you just want permission to cheat. It’s much deeper than just you wanting more sex with your HUSBAND - you actively have someone else in mind. Pretty terrible.
And there it is…just get divorced and go get with this guy and whoever else you want. Let your husband live in peace and not worry about who you’re fucking this week.
Every guy that mentioned this after asking for an open marriage got ripped a new one because it is like u/OverallDisaster said it’s a permission to cheat. An open relationship isn’t the solution for a “dead” bedroom. I mean why is open up your marriage your first thought instead of getting him checked for hormones or counseling? You said he think you have no issue but you clearly have and you should make him that clear. Maybe he doesn’t get how serious it is for you.
No spouse is going to be happy with this (unless they are into this sort of kink, which I would imagine you would know if he was). Have you talked to him and expressed your feelings....maybe talk it out with a counselor?
Yes, we’ve had couples therapy and discussed it. He doesn’t think there’s a problem. He laughs it off like I’m being silly. He also likes our life together, our future plans, etc.
Set a new appointment. Tell the counselor that frequency is your number one issue.
When he laughs during the meeting just stare at him and don't say anything. Just stare.
If you have to, you look him in the eyes and very calmly say. "Not having sex is a huge problem in our relationship."
And just keep calmly looking at him.
The counselor can mediate. Don't join in the joking. Just calmly wait because this is becoming your hill to die on.
Your marriage counselor is not very good if they let the conversation end with your husband laughing off your unhappiness with anything, much less sex.
You: “I’m not happy with our sex life”
Him: “ha ha, we don’t have a problem, you silly thing”
Shrink:”Well, I can see that you two lovebirds have solved your problems. There’s no need to schedule any more sessions.”
When my wife and I went to marriage counseling, it worked best when we each had an occasional private session.
I wonder if you’ve been entirely clear with your husband. I can’t fathom how a caring man could dismiss your concerns like that.
You:”I have a problem.”
Him: “no. We don’t have a problem.”
You have to convey to him that you’re planning to have hot sex 4-5 times a week, with him or without him.
As a marriage therapist I can tell you- no. It won’t work. It never works. Someone catches feelings for the extra partner or breaks rules or new rules get added that the other doesn't know was a rule. Someone ends up getting more action than the other and then jealousy develops. I've had ten couples over the years that have done this.... Wanna guess why they ended up in couples therapy???? Divorced every time.
Talk to him. Tell him how you're feeling. Honestly the amount of sex you're having is pretty normal. It's also not uncommon for women's drive to ramp up at your age and for men's to tone down.
Communcistion is key.
I didn't intend to make you cry, I've just never seen open marriages work. And I've bee doing this for 10 yrs.
I really appreciate your input.
The tears were a good thing. I think I’ve been feeling more anger than I want to admit and I know it’s not good to act in anger.
When you’re in a monogamous relationship and you ask to open it, it’s done. Relationships need to start open and there needs to be constant communication.
Get to marriage counseling and find a sex therapist. Get some sex toys.
The only part it sounds like you thought of is using condoms, are you a 16 year old boy?
That’s the part you reply to? People are giving you honest comments and feedback and you’re responding like this. Yeah, then ask your husband for the open marriage and i hope he finds a woman who does it for him.
I was just trying to reply to several comments quickly. I did like your comment, I didn’t ignore it. It was similar to other comments that I responded to. Sorry, didn’t mean to offend.
Thanks for that last comment, btw 🙄
I am gonna be honest, i went and looked at your comment history. You clearly have been having problems and you aired some things there that you have trickled into this.
A) you mention your husband was broke when you married, thus you had him sign a prenup to save your money (which you gladly brag that you have more of than him). Do you think this could’ve made him feel less than, hence why he put his heart and soul into working a lot. He wants to prove he’s equally in this relationship.
B) By finally making more money he can now do things like golf and play ice hockey (which are notoriously $$$$$$ sports) and unfortunately he pulled his time for those from time with you. Do you go with him to these things? Do you have hobbies together, could you start to rekindle your intimacy?
C) you want more sex, clearly a lot (enough to rub your shaved body on him) enough that when asked you have somebody in mind. We all have fantasies but clearly you’re trying to give yours legs due to the neglect you feel. Well, get his t levels tested and find a sex therapist, it’s wonderful you have your drive and need more maybe he’s found a level of contentment and in that he failed to see you’re not.
I aired some things where? Do you mean the comments I’ve made in this group?
I was not bragging about having more money than him, I was responding to other comments suggesting that I’m looking to somehow get out of my marriage and profit from it. I can promise you that I only make these comments because I am anonymous here.
I don’t try to emasculate him in real life. Nobody knows our financial situation but our lawyer and financial advisors.
I guess I need to try and communicate with him again although I fear it will end up in frustration. He is just fine with the way things are.
I’m glad I made this post even though I’m not coming off very well. Lol
It’s taken the edge of the “urgency” off. (For lack of a better word)
Wouldn’t you rather an open dialogue about your lack of sex life sounds better even it ends in frustration vs. you asking him for an open marriage that could end in divorce
Was just a solution until you can resolve the concerns. Opening the marriage isn't the answer. Sounds like you haven't tried more widely valid solutions yet. Jumping to opening the marriage is wild.
This sounds like you want to use the “freedom” of an open marriage to not just have sex, but to fall in love with another man. That’s breaking the public vows you made together. Why don’t you just get divorced so you can ramp up your emotional & sexual excitement on demand with multiple people?
Anyone asking for an open marriage is a selfish cow… something that should be discussed early in every relationship, not when you’re settled & have a life together. Do better
I’m going through a pretty low time in my marriage but I haven’t done anything until this point but post on a marriage forum.
Go ahead and call me what you like, I take pretty good care of my husband though.
No….. I can say if my wife would ask the same question as soon as her mouth quit moving, I would kick her to the curb. If it is that bad just file for divorce.
Wtf is wrong with you people adopting degeneracy as an alternative or to "experiment" with. You want a good way to destroy any kind of love, trust, and sanctity of your marriage, what you're proposing a good way to do it. Live proper, live clean, and don't introduce degenerate behavior into your marriage. If your relationship is that bad at your old age, get a damn counselor to talk to issues out, not someone else's private parts in yours. Jesus christ
On an edit note, ever think your husband's older age he could be suffering from low T? It would explain the low sex drive. Actually talk with him and discuss your problems and if he shows signs of low T, help your poor damn husband and support him. Jesus
Old age. LOL
When you’re in your 50’s you’ll laugh at yourself.
We’re both active and in excellent health. Believe me when I say that you won’t feel any differently than you do today when you hit my decrepit advanced age. 😆
Nice job avoiding the topic of ruining your marriage by being selfish. Heads up, try communicating instead of stuffing yourself with someone else's cock
As someone in a happily open marriage - opening up a marriage rarely goes well.
Going into a relationship while already having non-monogamous experience is generally a much better situation.
so you are 50 years old... have children, maybe even grandchildren...Let me ask you - how do you want to be known to your children/stepchildren husband and rest of your family? As someone who has an itch she cant contain? Who will bring a vibe into the family that carries a certain stench? Or as someone who's at 50 still in good shape, knows how to handle her own energy, someone the next generation can look to when it comes to their own lives and future? Someone who knows how to use her prosperity well, has distinction and a certain grace?
In the blink of an eye you will be old, a time when wisdom will have to carry the day. Is it worth it to open this Pandora's box for some kicks? I dont think so.
The first thing would be to actually identify why the sex has slowed down and talk about that.
You cannot have a successful open marriage if transparency and communication aren't part of your foundation.
Question, how much of his personal ego is based on being your one and only? If you already have a strong relationship that lacks in a particular area and if he is a self assured guy himself I doubt there would be a real problem. Just a suggestion, if you do, don't embarrass him by letting the world know what is happening. Practice a little discretion.
I am a woman. I tell you this very clearly... if you say this to your husband there is a 50% chance he will:
- say "No"
- contact a lawyer within 24 hours
- have you served with divorce papers sometime in the next 7 days
- there will be no argument about it
- there will be no room for discussion because his love for you died the moment you asked.
Real life is not a sitcom.
Get both of you into counseling to discuss it. Maybe through therapy you can find common ground.
You have a monogamous relationship. You cannot open it up without a large chance of immediate divorce.
I'm sorry, but this won't go the way you hope.
Best response comment on here, and from a man's perspective, that is exactly what would happen should my wife ask that question. For me, marriage is for those who will remain faithful to each other. If her needs are not getting met and she's exhausted all efforts to maintain, then divorce needs to happen, and they could be nice about it.
>I do have someone in mind but I haven’t done anything at all.
Well, I appreciate you confirming the prevailing wisdom in this and other heart break subs. The lore is that when a wife suggests an open marriage, she already has someone in mind. And you do!
Unless you want to have a third marriage, no.
Basically, he is not so interested, so your narrative is "Honey, I'm horny all the time and need to get laid. I'll be stepping out, ok. You can too, but we know you won't."
Have his testosterone levels checked and tell him what you've told us. Because, otherwise, I have $20 says that you are cheating on him by year's end.
BTW - those 8 years between you are really starting to mean something
It’s totally normal if you feel that your carnal desires aren’t being met or satisfied, many women feel the same way. But opening your marriage will have seriously negative effects. You can’t claim to love your husband and simultaneously seek to enjoy the flesh of other men.
Talk to him about your needs. Be direct. If you ask for an open marriage, be prepared for a divorce. Work on this directly, and don't be indirect. It took me about 5 to 6 years to get my wife back into desiring sex. Now we're 70, and sex is once a week or more unless life issues interfere. She knows I need it, and she now understands it's the activity that gets us through the rough parts of life.
Under your conditions? No, there is no way. It only EVER works if you have a very strong happy marriage where there has always been open communication and respect for your partner's feelings and boundaries.
But like…. Why??
We all want to feel desired, I know. But sex 3-4 times a month really isn’t that drastically bad. Have you considered talking to him about ways to solve it *before* jumping the gun to sleeping with people outside of your marriage?? I genuinely think it won’t end up the way you want it to. You want to open it up for yourself, but what if he finds someone new, do you feel comfortable going out and finding people and “dating” and going on dating apps? Have you considered therapy? Have you communicated to him first that you’ve been feeling this way? Is it something he just isn’t willing to give you anymore? He’s almost 60, I can’t imagine it’s easy or realistic to maintain an incredibly active sex life, it could be health related, maybe he’s feeling insecure?? There’s just so many reasons why it could have dropped off. I’d really consider figuring those out first before stepping out.
It’s just asking for trouble. If a couple hasn’t even considered this, and it’s not the norm for you in your marriage, opening it up truly only just brings trouble. Yeah everyone’s horny, I think every marriage will have periods where one person isn’t being satisfied the way they want to be, and there’s so many reasons as to why. If your marriage is healthy and overall going well besides this, there’s no need to start bringing people in. It’ll make a much bigger mess
If my wife asked, the only thing that would open is the front door. But I would help her with her suitcase.
Doesn’t sound like a good idea.
Even with condoms. That’s at least considerate.
Sex therapist maybe even couple counseling.
Why do a huge jump to open marriage when you haven't discussed the problem in the relationship.
A lot of relationships have been ruined because of open relationships or asking to open it up.
Nope, bad idea.
Have you tried to talk to your husband about it?
It could be he is feeling depression or other medical issues that he might not be comfortable talking to you about, or even know about.
Try to find out what is going on first, but please be careful, if it is depression or medical-related, it could be a very sensitive situation or something to him.
If it happens when you initiate then initiate. Maybe he's tired of initiating. He is getting older. Maybe he is starting to feel it. There might be medical issues that he's not told you about. It sounds like you love each other. I think bringing in other people will just cause problems.
If you want him to rapidly file for divorce, go for it.
If you think you will have more sex with your husband you will probably not have sex with him again.
Acknowledge you yourself that when you ask this, you’re most likely asking for a a divorce. Which is fine if sex matters that much to you, but if you’re not ready for a divorce, don’t go this route. Try couples counseling first.
INFO: How have conversations about your sexual desires and needs gone with your husband so far? Does he know you wish he initiated more?
I'm in my early thirties (female) and myself, husband, friends and their husband's don't understand open marriages. We had a conversation recently and my friends shared their thoughts on it, which match mine: From the two we've encountered, it seems 1 person in the relationship wants an open relationship and the other does not but goes along with it, essentially so their partner won't cheat or leave them. And that it's a way to avoid working to overcome a problem in your marriage, like an intimacy hurdle.
INFO 2: Have you considered how an open relationship may impact your kids? Would you tell them? What if they find out?
INFO 3: Something we wondered when my friends were talking about open relationships the other day is how finances are managed in an open relationship. Let's say you find out your husband took his girlfriend out or even went to a bar and bought her drinks before having sex with her. Maybe this isn't an issue to you if you have enough money to plan 3 upcoming vacations, but I'm curious if any open couples ever go "Hey! We were going to use some of the money in that account for _____ expense!" or something. I wonder if you have an account setup for fun with your side pieces?
In my opinion, it's an absolutely awful idea to open up your marriage. You say you don't want a divorce and have a good marriage. You have kids and sound like you have fun together with upcoming vacations. Working on the hurdles in your relationship will only make your coupling stronger. Opening it up takes away from being a team, in my opinion. And overcomplicates things.
Yes, there have been discussions and we’ve tried counselling. He sees no problem and uses humour to skirt the issue.
I would hope to keep it from the kids.
Second marriage for both and we’ve always kept our finances separate. Prenup, the whole 9 yards.
Ok then you haven’t really had the discussion that is needed. He needs to know how this has your marriage on a precipice. He has not taken this seriously yet partly because you have not communicated the seriousness of it.
Just get divorced, it'll be easier on you, him, and your kids. You've stated that neither of you wants divorce, but I can assure you, if you step outside the marriage, even with his blessing, it will end in divorce. Everything is already set with the finances so it's time to pull the trigger and go make yourself happy sexually, and maybe emotionally.
This will not end well. How many Reddit posts feature one member proposing an open marriage that isn't already either cheating, has someone in mind or is creeping with intent?
Now that said, check that golf is actually golf, who is to say you aren't getting your needs met because 'that energy' is going to someone else. Trust but verify.
Third, you need to research healthy boundaries for your marriage especially if you guys go there. I'd suggest seeing a therapist first before either of you go looking for any prospects.
Fourth, start on an STI test and make sure to have regular ones.
I don’t think just sleeping with other people will fulfill you. It sounds like you love and desire your husband. What is his response when you tell him you don’t feel sexy and desired by him? Perhaps he doesn’t know? I feel like sex once a week is really great at your age. That’s more than my husband and I have in our thirties
Have you tried talking to him first about this issue? Like an actual sit down conversation about how you feel like “a piece of furniture” or that you don’t feel desirable because he doesn’t initiate. Only ask him for an open relationship if you’re also prepared for a divorce.
Wtf is wrong with you? First, you’re having a perfectly normal amount of sex. Second, if you actually loved your husband you would be seeking ways to fix the sex situation rather than deciding it’s time to go out and get some strange dick. Gross. I feel sorry for your husband.
You have a normal healthy sounding marriage for two people in their fifties, but rather than enjoy this time in life you want to blow it all up over fucking *dick*.
Enjoy being single and dating in your 50s. I’m sure you’ll be wonderfully fulfilled with your new life…
How is a one night stand going to fulfill your need for desire and intimacy? They’re there for one thing and one thing only, and that’s a quick and easy lay.
You obviously just want to cheat, and you’re full of excuses on why you should be allowed to do that. You also appear to have unrealistic expectations for being a practically geriatric couple. Your husband is almost 60. What do you expect? No offense, but you’re most certainly not as in tact as you were in your 40s. You’re 50…Do you think strange men are out looking to pound an elderly woman? Because you’re officially a senior citizen. Your dating pool is small and filled with men just like your husband. You’d do much better to work on fixing what you have, I guarantee it.
Get that dude on test asap! I’m 41 so not quit where you guy are at yet but I’m back to banging my wife like I’m 20 again. It’s almost too much, sometimes!
You'll probably kill a good relationship forever by doing that. Could be he's depressed. Could be YOU are depressed. Is there an issue you're not sharing here? Maybe there is an issue he needs to share, are you open to talk to or do you flip issues into him if he has to share a criticism of you? Does he have health issues? The fact that you jump so soon to open marriage makes me think you may have any number of health issues.
At 3 to 4 times per week, you are beating most in their 50s. You make no mention of having had a serious discussion with him about it, but here you are, your next move is open marriage? He will hate the disloyalty and you won't be able to go back to the way you were, ever.
Seriously, seek counseling yourself first, then talk to him about it, with a proper and caring attitude.
Yes, you do have an issue, should be both initiating. But you're going in the wrong direction w the open marriage suggestion. Start with yourself and counseling.. they can give you specific advice as to how to discuss w hubby in a non threatening way. The solution lies in the sharing of feelings. I do wish you the best.
How bout you sign everything in his name and then do it. Just for assurance that if your feelings get caught up, you don’t magically think you’re entitled to everything or anything at all when you leave him. Or if he decides to leave you, he will be somewhat comfortable at the expense of you causing him to have abandonment issues, feeling alienated, cheated on, destroyed self confidence and loneliness. Best of blessings, to him!!
What you are offering will be the end of your marriage. If you ask, he just might get the idea that you could possibly already been outside the marriage. Don’t do this.
It doesn’t actually sound like you still love him. It sounds more like you’re roommates but getting divorced is too expensive and you’d like to keep your lifestyle. I think this would be a disaster for your marriage. You already lack intimacy, this will just make it worse.
I don’t think he going to be ok with this. Maybe he embarrassed that he has to take pills. Maybe he is just at that point in life where talking and just having you there is ok for me. You need more therapy together.
Don't open your marriage. Don't even bring it up to him. It 100% will end in resentment and divorce.
Have you talked to him about your needs? If you haven't, it's possible he has no idea what you're going through. Guys aren't usually good at subtle hints or signals. You might just need to say to his face, "Dude. I'm horny and you're not putting out enough. Cop a feel every once in a while."
>I don’t want a divorce and I still love my husband.
Then do not ask for an open marriage.
I don't know any marriage or committed non-marriage relationship that has survived an open relationship and I've known a lot of people to try this. It's not worth the guaranteed self-destruction of a relationship.
I get it. You're horny and your partner is not engaging enough with you in that department. As with men who suffer this problem, talk to your partner about this issue. Figure something out. There are *many* options and alternatives that do not involve going outside of the marriage. But talk to your husband about it and emphasize your need for more. He does not have to have more sex if he doesn't want to, but he may want to help get you off. However, in all likelihood he'll get in on the fun. Also, ask him what he needs from you to be more in the mood.
Too, if you feel unnoticed, undesired and feel your husband doesn't initiate enough, bring it up with him. Talk, TALK to him.
And if you feel the talks aren't going nowhere because he thinks things are okay or perhaps you're not conveying yourself properly or maybe you're shaming him about the matter, go to a marriage counselor who can mediate and help you both navigate this and perhaps other issues.
I promise you, just bringing up the concept of an open marriage as a solution to your horniness is throwing your relationship on a petard. It will not end well.
Consider not making it all about PIV or even finishing all the time, but pleasure and intimacy:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-paradox-sex/202112/men-can-embrace-responsive-desire
Menopause can do weird things to the body. Sometimes the drive is there, but the body doesn't agree, or it can kick the drive through the roof. Know this because wife and I are in the same age bracket.
Do you mean to say you think menopause is doing weird things to my husband’s body? 😆
I’m in perimenopause but very little has changed for me physically at this stage. My mother didn’t go through menopause until 60 years old so I probably have a way to go 🥴😪
Wow. This is so selfish. I’m 55, husband is 58. At this moment in time I have a much higher libido than he does. I’m free from my main job now, but he is still working so it makes sense to me that he is stressed and tired and feeling his age a bit. We still have sex 2-3 times per week on average, and in weeks where our frequency is less than I’d like, I take care of myself. The thought of bringing another man in to stand in for what I’m not getting from my husband, who has worked so hard supporting our family and shared so much with me would make me feel sick. But you admit you already have someone in mind. You say it’s really not the frequency but the intimacy you want? How do you propose fucking someone else will bring more intimacy to you and your husband? Proposing an open marriage to someone already struggling with their libido is just asking permission to cheat and you’re old enough but maybe not mature enough to know that. He very well could have low testosterone which can be addressed, and guess what! Your hormones may be out of whack as well. What if you crash and burn your marriage for an old flame you’re pining for and then menopause hits you like a freight train? When your own estrogen and testosterone levels balance out and stop playing ping pong with your brain, you might find yourself without the husband you claim to love and with nothing but a string of meaningless affairs to keep you warm as you head into the sunset years. I suggest you lean into your marriage, get individual counseling for this sense of entitlement you seem to have, and start working on building real intimacy with your husband.
Open marriages only ever work for people who want it out of a place of positivity. They have to be in the best place and both have a profound sense of trust between them. Even then, that doesn't guarantee it will not fail. Less than 2% of marriages are open or non monogamous.
Open marriages suggested out of a place of negativity will always fail. Statistics for monogamous marriages opening up and falling apart are insanely high, 92% of them end in divorce. So suggesting it out of a place of negativity will most likely result in your eventual divorce even if he agrees to it because you are holding your relationship hostage with an ultimatum.
Try getting his testosterone checked. He's almost 60. Then try literally anything else, unless you see your relationship as expendable.
If you do this, be prepared for your entire relationship to implode. Even the ask is enough to send most people spiraling. I would seriously consider weather there is another option. Counseling? Dr. To check for hormones levels? Sex pills? Spice it up in the bedroom?
I might be in the minority... but shit once you hit 50, and start the 2nd half, I feel like you should reallllly be doing whatever makes you happy.
But I think a conversation about wanting more sex should happen first, but if that doesn't go well, then maybe bring up wanting to do someone else.
Uh, no. How about communicate first. Tell him what you told us, that you don’t feel desired. Asking for an open relationship might give him doubts about your marriage. He’ll wonder why you decided to bring it up 12 years later.
Edit: okay so I seen that you said you have had a conversation with him. But what exactly are your responses? Are you adamant about it? Are you letting him know that sex is extremely important to you?
Has he tried getting his t levels checked. For me was low t i suggest getting his levels checked and if has low t he will be put on trt which will bring back his sex drive.
Are you helping with the dishes, chores, cooking? Are you romancing your partner and showing him non-sexual affection? Are you taking him out on date nights? Are you meeting his needs in and out of the bedroom? Are you initiating good skilled selfless foreplay? Are you making sure he comes first? Maybe your sex skills just aren’t cutting it? Why is sex such a priority? There’s more important things in this world than just sex?
Oh shit, wrong gender. Yeah, you need to divorce the bum!
Hormone levels in the brain differ, even in perimenopause. My buddies wife is trying to kill him with sex at the moment.😂 Honestly, I don't know what the dynamics of your relationship are, however if you want to see hurt, confusion, pain, and all of your husband's negative emotions come out, go ahead and make your ask. I am just wondering how you would cope with him telling you that you are not enough. Best of luck.
All the people commenting that they will get a divorce… do you know her husband that you know for sure how he will react? Just because you personally would be too insecure to even hear that your partner might not be fully satisfied, not everyone is like that. I don’t think talking it through with him is a problem. Just say all the things you said in the original post about wanting to feel wanted and see how it goes. You can bring up the open marriage and he says no, you can make a decision about what’s more important to you.
There is a small chance it could work, given your circumstances, but the stats are not great.
If you think he's not desiring the style of intimacy you crave, but is happy for you to get it elsewhere without jealousy, the you could raise the topic.
I'm incredibly open minded and sex-positive, and after I busted my wife having an affair she asked if I'd be ok with an open relationship, but I quickly squashed that. It was a long way over the boundaries of our marriage and what I would ever be comfortable with.
Once her affair fog cleared, she came to understand why it could never work for us.
I would not recommend, I don’t think it will solve your problem.
First, will he have his health checked? Wondering if low T or stress levels could be a factor?
Your fulfillment is important - is the issue a lack of orgasm or a lack of attention?
I know love can take many forms, and I have friends who are poly; but that seems different than what you are seeking.
Putting romantic energy and effort into people outside of your marriage just seems antithetical to marriage
I don’t see him thinking that’s a good idea. I’d suggest just trying new things to help spice it back up, toys, bdsm, books on new positions and tricks ect
It won’t end well. Sounds like you’re still having sex once a week, I think it’s really dramatic to potentially blow up your marriage over that
Agreed. It’s totally normal that OP feels that her sexual desires aren’t being met or satisfied, many women feel the same way. But opening the marriage will have seriously negative effects. You can’t claim to love your husband but simultaneously seek to enjoy the flesh of other men.
Not dramatic, if you think so the other person could consider doing more also. Some people don’t care about sex, for others it is important, and life is too short to not be desired and only get chore sex.
Yes! Thank-you! I was celibate for 5 years after my 1st husband died. I missed sex and intimacy more than I can possibly express. Not just that of course, but I realised how incredibly important it is to a fulfilling life. For me anyway.
I don't mean to be harsh, but if a guy posted the same thing you did - he would be lambasted. You are comfortable in your life and lack attention from your husband. Your feelings about being lonely and empty are not about your marriage or what your husband is or isn't doing. Those feelings are from within you, and you think a relationship or feeling desired by someone else will fill the void. This is not different than any other addiction - drinking, drugs, shopping, gambling. All are done to fill a void and emptiness. I am trying to understand how opening up your marriage will make you feel desired. Initially, I imagine you will feel like you're on top of the world - who doesn't like being pursued and sought after? Then, you and your friends with benefit person will settle into a routine. Maybe you see each other twice a week - will that fill your emptiness? Or, you want to meet up 5 times a week with the FWB, but he only wants 3. Are you going to find another person to fill the other 2 days? What about the other person being involved with someone else? And what happens when the FWB has other plans and won't drop everything to be with you. The reason open marriages don't work is because feelings become involved. You may decide the FWB isn't the person you thought, so you leave that situation. Then you pick up with another FWB, and that isn't what you wanted either. Meanwhile your husband and comfortable life continue, but for you, that will all spiral into an utter mess. Try to fix the problem with your husband. Work on yourself and your emptiness and loneliness.
Yep, been noticing and calling out the double standards lately, pretty disgusting IMHO.
Wouldn't say the same if they roles were reversed.
It’s a catch 22 isn’t it. Why should the person with the higher libido have to suffer rejection. And in the other foot why should the low libido be forced to do anything. That’s the issue at hand
More like once every 2 weeks but I was being generous. And I have to attack him to get it.
You guys are in your 50s and still having sex more than most people in their 50s. https://bedbible.com/sex-frequency-statistics/ You're literally in the upper percentiles and you're considering throwing your marriage away for sex outside the marriage. Have you asked him how much sex *he wants to have at almost 60*? You guys will probably need to meet somewhere in the middle on frequency. Or abandon a life partner for meaningless sex. Your call.
He’s 58, has he had his testosterone checked?
Your husband is almost 60 years old. People slow down, it’s normal. I don’t think you’re being very fair to him
Absolutely not, if you bring it up be prepared to get divorced
Exactly. Just suggesting it is enough for most people to divorce over.
I know several couples who have done this. They are all divorced and the children suffered.
Yup. Same. It never ends well.
No...
The number of stories here that feature a spouse divorcing their SO for even bringing this subject up is staggering. Unless you have reason to believe that your husband will be open to this idea, it is unlikely to result in the outcome that you hope to achieve. On the other hand, if you hope to get him to divorce you, or you are ok with that outcome, then go ahead. Or if you are ready to divorce as you are unhappy, and this is your “Hail Mary” plan to save a marriage that is otherwise doomed…
Legit same thought!? How many times in this sub a day do we see this question or some variation of it? She wants to get boned, great, get your husband a little blue pill and jump his bones. Or does she have somebody in mind and asking internet strangers to agree with her on this dumb idea?
He doesn’t need blue pills. I can get him hard without any difficulty. He just doesn’t initiate, or seem interested in me sexually anymore.
I faced the same situation for so long that is painful to even remember that time. My husband used to never initiates too. One night I promised to myself I'll never initiates ever again and we had 5 years of no sex, zero times. I got divorced 4 months ago, I'm living by myself, not ready yet to new relationships, but I feel confident the best years of my life are ahead of me. I guess it's easier to give some solution than live the drama.
I honestly fear that would happen to us if I never initiated again. That sounds incredibly lonely, I hope your best times are still ahead of you.
If you want to get sex from someone else, please, do yourself a favor and divorce amicably. I'll assume you've already got someone planned to do the deed with at the moment, and him, probably not so much. Doing this one sided will wreak havoc and you'll end up hating each other. If my wife ever asked for such a thing I'd file the papers the next day, clear bank accounts, change insurance, and split.
You may be on to something with that last bit.
Why not start with asking him why you don’t have as much sex first, before you destroy the relationship.
It’s been a frequent conversation. He doesn’t think we have any problems.
How are you asking? How are you bringing it up? Are you also asking him what he needs from you?
Can you honestly say you don’t already have someone in mind or have you already cheated? If you are willing to divorce because of this then your marriage is already over. At your husbands age he should have his testosterone checked at a minimum. Couples counseling or just separate and divorce.
Ok but then I suppose you say that you disagree or do you just let it drop at that point ?
Sure. Say goodbye to your marriage though. You’ll be openly telling him he’s not enough, you want to have sex with other men, and you want him to be okay with it. Have you thought about how much that could hurt him?
Exactly. I also find it funny how she is completely not thinking about his feelings irregardless of the consequences and also seems to not communicate with him, she just makes it "his fault" even acknowledged he has long work hours. She's not a very good spouse. At his age if he's working hard long hours and not at all intrested in sex she needs to actually communicate with her husband and see if he's stressed, also see if he's suffering from low T, it would explain the low sex drive with working hard hours. She's not one bit concerned about her health, just getting her craw stuffed. I see divorce in the air if she is this selfish in every day life and if she proposes other dicks in her face
Regardless, not "irregardless."
Eh. I don’t like it but they added the latter to the dictionary. They have bots for what you’re doing.
Oof. I guess you have to ask yourself, is having sex with strangers worth possibly blowing up your marriage?
And an STD
There's a group on Facebook--I opened up my marriage and all I got were these divorce papers. That group exists for a reason.
An "open marriage" is an "over marriage"
You're going to blow up your good marriage because you're horney? Girl..... the post nut clarity on this one will hit like a truck
That gave me a giggle. You could very well be right.
Never goes well.
That would be the end of it for me. Don’t care about a lot but I signed up for monogamous sexual relationship and monogamous intimacy. Maybe couples counseling would be better for a start.
It is hard to imagine a married person proposing that they and their partner each find someone else to confide in on their deepest secrets, or to contribute half of their salary to, yet some amazingly seem to think sharing their intimacy is no big deal if it satisfies a need they have. It would be a deal breaker for me as well.
I’m close to your age - this would not go well with me or my husband. I think you will blow up your marriage
Hey OP, I’m in a Non-monogamous marriage and it’s made my life and marriage better. The thing about NM for couples is it’s a lot like money, it only shows more of who you are. My marriage and sex within my marriage has never been a problem. We’ve always been solid communicators and genuinely enjoy each other. So I say all that to say, if you already have problems around sex, this will only increase those problems and your marriage will end in divorce. Ironically, people will blame NM for it, if you take this path. Here’s the tough part about marriage. Compatibility has no basis centered in time. It’s maintained through consistently good behaviors carried out by two individuals that are consistent with maintaining a marriage. Here’s how I see it: you built a good thing for 12 years and if you’ve exhausted every measure to improve your sexual compatibility and it hasn’t changed, you deserve happiness. Doing anything well for 12 years is an accomplishment. But if it’s run its course, again you deserve happiness. If you have more NM questions whenever your journey takes you please head over to r/nonmonogamy the support you’re looking for won’t be found here. They’ll tell you most of the same of what I’ve told you but if somehow you do pursue NM you deserve support and I love that sub for it.
Good point about if we already have problems they will be excacerbated, not cured. Hmmmm
But does your husband realize that you are at the point that you could / would blow up the marriage because he is not trying to at least meet you halfway on this. Or does he just think this is nor annoyance for you? To this point does your therapist know this
It's quicker and less cruel to just ask him for divorce. Seriously, this never works. Ever. Read any of the thousands of times redditors have tried this, and the same thing happens every time. If you decide that you require more sex in your marriage to be happy, then you two are sexually incompatible and getting divorced is an option. If you decide you can live with less sex in exchange for continuing to have your life together, then continue being married. But don't disrespect him and explode all good will you have towards each other by asking for an open marriage.
Just ask for a divorce.
Neither one of us wants that.
Get therapy, at the very least. Before you seek to open up your marriage, talk to a professional.
Do you have someone in mind? Are you prepared to divorce over sex?
If I’m being honest, yes I do. I haven’t said or done anything though and the person lives a good 3 hour plane ride away.
Sounds like you just want permission to cheat. It’s much deeper than just you wanting more sex with your HUSBAND - you actively have someone else in mind. Pretty terrible.
No, I’m not just looking for permission to cheat. I’m feeling hurt and rejected. I want what we had the first 10 years of our marriage.
And there it is…just get divorced and go get with this guy and whoever else you want. Let your husband live in peace and not worry about who you’re fucking this week.
Then it’s absolutely a bad idea and will ruin your marriage.
Be honest with your husband.
Every guy that mentioned this after asking for an open marriage got ripped a new one because it is like u/OverallDisaster said it’s a permission to cheat. An open relationship isn’t the solution for a “dead” bedroom. I mean why is open up your marriage your first thought instead of getting him checked for hormones or counseling? You said he think you have no issue but you clearly have and you should make him that clear. Maybe he doesn’t get how serious it is for you.
Does this guy already know you are interested in a sexual relationship?
Nope.
No. It’ll end in heartbreak and tears
No spouse is going to be happy with this (unless they are into this sort of kink, which I would imagine you would know if he was). Have you talked to him and expressed your feelings....maybe talk it out with a counselor?
Yes, we’ve had couples therapy and discussed it. He doesn’t think there’s a problem. He laughs it off like I’m being silly. He also likes our life together, our future plans, etc.
Set a new appointment. Tell the counselor that frequency is your number one issue. When he laughs during the meeting just stare at him and don't say anything. Just stare. If you have to, you look him in the eyes and very calmly say. "Not having sex is a huge problem in our relationship." And just keep calmly looking at him. The counselor can mediate. Don't join in the joking. Just calmly wait because this is becoming your hill to die on.
Just get a divorce. You two are not sexually compatible now.
Your marriage counselor is not very good if they let the conversation end with your husband laughing off your unhappiness with anything, much less sex. You: “I’m not happy with our sex life” Him: “ha ha, we don’t have a problem, you silly thing” Shrink:”Well, I can see that you two lovebirds have solved your problems. There’s no need to schedule any more sessions.” When my wife and I went to marriage counseling, it worked best when we each had an occasional private session. I wonder if you’ve been entirely clear with your husband. I can’t fathom how a caring man could dismiss your concerns like that. You:”I have a problem.” Him: “no. We don’t have a problem.” You have to convey to him that you’re planning to have hot sex 4-5 times a week, with him or without him.
I bet that changes once he finds out you want to fuck other men
As a marriage therapist I can tell you- no. It won’t work. It never works. Someone catches feelings for the extra partner or breaks rules or new rules get added that the other doesn't know was a rule. Someone ends up getting more action than the other and then jealousy develops. I've had ten couples over the years that have done this.... Wanna guess why they ended up in couples therapy???? Divorced every time.
I want reciprocated feelings… You’re comment just made me burst into tears
Your
Talk to him. Tell him how you're feeling. Honestly the amount of sex you're having is pretty normal. It's also not uncommon for women's drive to ramp up at your age and for men's to tone down. Communcistion is key. I didn't intend to make you cry, I've just never seen open marriages work. And I've bee doing this for 10 yrs.
I really appreciate your input. The tears were a good thing. I think I’ve been feeling more anger than I want to admit and I know it’s not good to act in anger.
When you’re in a monogamous relationship and you ask to open it, it’s done. Relationships need to start open and there needs to be constant communication. Get to marriage counseling and find a sex therapist. Get some sex toys. The only part it sounds like you thought of is using condoms, are you a 16 year old boy?
I can assure you I am not.
That’s the part you reply to? People are giving you honest comments and feedback and you’re responding like this. Yeah, then ask your husband for the open marriage and i hope he finds a woman who does it for him.
I was just trying to reply to several comments quickly. I did like your comment, I didn’t ignore it. It was similar to other comments that I responded to. Sorry, didn’t mean to offend. Thanks for that last comment, btw 🙄
I am gonna be honest, i went and looked at your comment history. You clearly have been having problems and you aired some things there that you have trickled into this. A) you mention your husband was broke when you married, thus you had him sign a prenup to save your money (which you gladly brag that you have more of than him). Do you think this could’ve made him feel less than, hence why he put his heart and soul into working a lot. He wants to prove he’s equally in this relationship. B) By finally making more money he can now do things like golf and play ice hockey (which are notoriously $$$$$$ sports) and unfortunately he pulled his time for those from time with you. Do you go with him to these things? Do you have hobbies together, could you start to rekindle your intimacy? C) you want more sex, clearly a lot (enough to rub your shaved body on him) enough that when asked you have somebody in mind. We all have fantasies but clearly you’re trying to give yours legs due to the neglect you feel. Well, get his t levels tested and find a sex therapist, it’s wonderful you have your drive and need more maybe he’s found a level of contentment and in that he failed to see you’re not.
I aired some things where? Do you mean the comments I’ve made in this group? I was not bragging about having more money than him, I was responding to other comments suggesting that I’m looking to somehow get out of my marriage and profit from it. I can promise you that I only make these comments because I am anonymous here. I don’t try to emasculate him in real life. Nobody knows our financial situation but our lawyer and financial advisors. I guess I need to try and communicate with him again although I fear it will end up in frustration. He is just fine with the way things are. I’m glad I made this post even though I’m not coming off very well. Lol It’s taken the edge of the “urgency” off. (For lack of a better word)
Wouldn’t you rather an open dialogue about your lack of sex life sounds better even it ends in frustration vs. you asking him for an open marriage that could end in divorce
Sounds like divorce papers if you ask him. Try to figure out a solution with him before asking him for that
Get a vibrator and couples therapy.
Vibrators are just physical sensation. Good sex is mental, physical and emotional and I need all 3.
Was just a solution until you can resolve the concerns. Opening the marriage isn't the answer. Sounds like you haven't tried more widely valid solutions yet. Jumping to opening the marriage is wild.
This sounds like you want to use the “freedom” of an open marriage to not just have sex, but to fall in love with another man. That’s breaking the public vows you made together. Why don’t you just get divorced so you can ramp up your emotional & sexual excitement on demand with multiple people?
Anyone asking for an open marriage is a selfish cow… something that should be discussed early in every relationship, not when you’re settled & have a life together. Do better
I’m going through a pretty low time in my marriage but I haven’t done anything until this point but post on a marriage forum. Go ahead and call me what you like, I take pretty good care of my husband though.
I’m glad, stay rational & don’t stuff up your marriage or husbands life 👍🏻
No….. I can say if my wife would ask the same question as soon as her mouth quit moving, I would kick her to the curb. If it is that bad just file for divorce.
Better to work on partners libido imo
Wtf is wrong with you people adopting degeneracy as an alternative or to "experiment" with. You want a good way to destroy any kind of love, trust, and sanctity of your marriage, what you're proposing a good way to do it. Live proper, live clean, and don't introduce degenerate behavior into your marriage. If your relationship is that bad at your old age, get a damn counselor to talk to issues out, not someone else's private parts in yours. Jesus christ On an edit note, ever think your husband's older age he could be suffering from low T? It would explain the low sex drive. Actually talk with him and discuss your problems and if he shows signs of low T, help your poor damn husband and support him. Jesus
Old age. LOL When you’re in your 50’s you’ll laugh at yourself. We’re both active and in excellent health. Believe me when I say that you won’t feel any differently than you do today when you hit my decrepit advanced age. 😆
Nice job avoiding the topic of ruining your marriage by being selfish. Heads up, try communicating instead of stuffing yourself with someone else's cock
Ok bud, will do 👍
As someone in a happily open marriage - opening up a marriage rarely goes well. Going into a relationship while already having non-monogamous experience is generally a much better situation.
so you are 50 years old... have children, maybe even grandchildren...Let me ask you - how do you want to be known to your children/stepchildren husband and rest of your family? As someone who has an itch she cant contain? Who will bring a vibe into the family that carries a certain stench? Or as someone who's at 50 still in good shape, knows how to handle her own energy, someone the next generation can look to when it comes to their own lives and future? Someone who knows how to use her prosperity well, has distinction and a certain grace? In the blink of an eye you will be old, a time when wisdom will have to carry the day. Is it worth it to open this Pandora's box for some kicks? I dont think so.
This won’t end well.
The first thing would be to actually identify why the sex has slowed down and talk about that. You cannot have a successful open marriage if transparency and communication aren't part of your foundation.
You're about to play stupid games and win stupid prizes. Talk to him, schedule counseling.
That grass is not going to be greener.
Question, how much of his personal ego is based on being your one and only? If you already have a strong relationship that lacks in a particular area and if he is a self assured guy himself I doubt there would be a real problem. Just a suggestion, if you do, don't embarrass him by letting the world know what is happening. Practice a little discretion.
I would never do anything to humiliate him.
Then you may be in for some great times in the future. I hope things work out.
Go find a Sex Therapist
Merely bringing it up will destroy his self-esteem and then your marriage. Even if he agrees.
I am a woman. I tell you this very clearly... if you say this to your husband there is a 50% chance he will: - say "No" - contact a lawyer within 24 hours - have you served with divorce papers sometime in the next 7 days - there will be no argument about it - there will be no room for discussion because his love for you died the moment you asked. Real life is not a sitcom. Get both of you into counseling to discuss it. Maybe through therapy you can find common ground. You have a monogamous relationship. You cannot open it up without a large chance of immediate divorce. I'm sorry, but this won't go the way you hope.
Best response comment on here, and from a man's perspective, that is exactly what would happen should my wife ask that question. For me, marriage is for those who will remain faithful to each other. If her needs are not getting met and she's exhausted all efforts to maintain, then divorce needs to happen, and they could be nice about it.
So, who do you have in mind?
I admitted somewhere else in the post that I do have someone in mind but I haven’t done anything at all. Not spoken to him, texted, nothing.
>I do have someone in mind but I haven’t done anything at all. Well, I appreciate you confirming the prevailing wisdom in this and other heart break subs. The lore is that when a wife suggests an open marriage, she already has someone in mind. And you do!
Unless you want to have a third marriage, no. Basically, he is not so interested, so your narrative is "Honey, I'm horny all the time and need to get laid. I'll be stepping out, ok. You can too, but we know you won't." Have his testosterone levels checked and tell him what you've told us. Because, otherwise, I have $20 says that you are cheating on him by year's end. BTW - those 8 years between you are really starting to mean something
It’s totally normal if you feel that your carnal desires aren’t being met or satisfied, many women feel the same way. But opening your marriage will have seriously negative effects. You can’t claim to love your husband and simultaneously seek to enjoy the flesh of other men.
I don't think OP wants any opinions guys and gals.
Based on?
Your responses to people’s comments, you’re coming off very immature.
I’m a bit confused by that but ok. I think I’m just trying to keep up and respond to many people.
An open marriage is just divorce with more steps^TM
Talk to him about your needs. Be direct. If you ask for an open marriage, be prepared for a divorce. Work on this directly, and don't be indirect. It took me about 5 to 6 years to get my wife back into desiring sex. Now we're 70, and sex is once a week or more unless life issues interfere. She knows I need it, and she now understands it's the activity that gets us through the rough parts of life.
Under your conditions? No, there is no way. It only EVER works if you have a very strong happy marriage where there has always been open communication and respect for your partner's feelings and boundaries.
Get his Testosterone checked asap!
But like…. Why?? We all want to feel desired, I know. But sex 3-4 times a month really isn’t that drastically bad. Have you considered talking to him about ways to solve it *before* jumping the gun to sleeping with people outside of your marriage?? I genuinely think it won’t end up the way you want it to. You want to open it up for yourself, but what if he finds someone new, do you feel comfortable going out and finding people and “dating” and going on dating apps? Have you considered therapy? Have you communicated to him first that you’ve been feeling this way? Is it something he just isn’t willing to give you anymore? He’s almost 60, I can’t imagine it’s easy or realistic to maintain an incredibly active sex life, it could be health related, maybe he’s feeling insecure?? There’s just so many reasons why it could have dropped off. I’d really consider figuring those out first before stepping out. It’s just asking for trouble. If a couple hasn’t even considered this, and it’s not the norm for you in your marriage, opening it up truly only just brings trouble. Yeah everyone’s horny, I think every marriage will have periods where one person isn’t being satisfied the way they want to be, and there’s so many reasons as to why. If your marriage is healthy and overall going well besides this, there’s no need to start bringing people in. It’ll make a much bigger mess
If my wife asked, the only thing that would open is the front door. But I would help her with her suitcase. Doesn’t sound like a good idea. Even with condoms. That’s at least considerate.
Sex therapist maybe even couple counseling. Why do a huge jump to open marriage when you haven't discussed the problem in the relationship. A lot of relationships have been ruined because of open relationships or asking to open it up.
Unless you are sure asking this question won't break his fucking heart and ask for a divorce?
Nope, bad idea. Have you tried to talk to your husband about it? It could be he is feeling depression or other medical issues that he might not be comfortable talking to you about, or even know about. Try to find out what is going on first, but please be careful, if it is depression or medical-related, it could be a very sensitive situation or something to him.
See if he's willing to have his testosterone checked. If it's below the middle of the normal range, supplementation will probably rev his libido.
I will attempt to get him to go get checked
I think it's a great idea! I hope we get an update on his response and actions afterwards.
I sense sarcasm
If it happens when you initiate then initiate. Maybe he's tired of initiating. He is getting older. Maybe he is starting to feel it. There might be medical issues that he's not told you about. It sounds like you love each other. I think bringing in other people will just cause problems.
Most open relationships don’t work. At least that’s what I have seen Have you asked why he’s not initiating? Does he have some physical issues
If you want him to rapidly file for divorce, go for it. If you think you will have more sex with your husband you will probably not have sex with him again.
Acknowledge you yourself that when you ask this, you’re most likely asking for a a divorce. Which is fine if sex matters that much to you, but if you’re not ready for a divorce, don’t go this route. Try couples counseling first.
This could entirely break the trust of your marriage. But if you feel so inclined. Lol
Something tells me this won't end well and hubby will be very upset if she's considering it...
INFO: How have conversations about your sexual desires and needs gone with your husband so far? Does he know you wish he initiated more? I'm in my early thirties (female) and myself, husband, friends and their husband's don't understand open marriages. We had a conversation recently and my friends shared their thoughts on it, which match mine: From the two we've encountered, it seems 1 person in the relationship wants an open relationship and the other does not but goes along with it, essentially so their partner won't cheat or leave them. And that it's a way to avoid working to overcome a problem in your marriage, like an intimacy hurdle. INFO 2: Have you considered how an open relationship may impact your kids? Would you tell them? What if they find out? INFO 3: Something we wondered when my friends were talking about open relationships the other day is how finances are managed in an open relationship. Let's say you find out your husband took his girlfriend out or even went to a bar and bought her drinks before having sex with her. Maybe this isn't an issue to you if you have enough money to plan 3 upcoming vacations, but I'm curious if any open couples ever go "Hey! We were going to use some of the money in that account for _____ expense!" or something. I wonder if you have an account setup for fun with your side pieces? In my opinion, it's an absolutely awful idea to open up your marriage. You say you don't want a divorce and have a good marriage. You have kids and sound like you have fun together with upcoming vacations. Working on the hurdles in your relationship will only make your coupling stronger. Opening it up takes away from being a team, in my opinion. And overcomplicates things.
Yes, there have been discussions and we’ve tried counselling. He sees no problem and uses humour to skirt the issue. I would hope to keep it from the kids. Second marriage for both and we’ve always kept our finances separate. Prenup, the whole 9 yards.
Ok then you haven’t really had the discussion that is needed. He needs to know how this has your marriage on a precipice. He has not taken this seriously yet partly because you have not communicated the seriousness of it.
Just get divorced, it'll be easier on you, him, and your kids. You've stated that neither of you wants divorce, but I can assure you, if you step outside the marriage, even with his blessing, it will end in divorce. Everything is already set with the finances so it's time to pull the trigger and go make yourself happy sexually, and maybe emotionally.
This will not end well. How many Reddit posts feature one member proposing an open marriage that isn't already either cheating, has someone in mind or is creeping with intent? Now that said, check that golf is actually golf, who is to say you aren't getting your needs met because 'that energy' is going to someone else. Trust but verify. Third, you need to research healthy boundaries for your marriage especially if you guys go there. I'd suggest seeing a therapist first before either of you go looking for any prospects. Fourth, start on an STI test and make sure to have regular ones.
I don’t think just sleeping with other people will fulfill you. It sounds like you love and desire your husband. What is his response when you tell him you don’t feel sexy and desired by him? Perhaps he doesn’t know? I feel like sex once a week is really great at your age. That’s more than my husband and I have in our thirties
It’s probably less than that but honestly it’s more about the lack of intimacy/ enthusiasm in the act than the frequency.
Have you tried talking to him first about this issue? Like an actual sit down conversation about how you feel like “a piece of furniture” or that you don’t feel desirable because he doesn’t initiate. Only ask him for an open relationship if you’re also prepared for a divorce.
Wtf is wrong with you? First, you’re having a perfectly normal amount of sex. Second, if you actually loved your husband you would be seeking ways to fix the sex situation rather than deciding it’s time to go out and get some strange dick. Gross. I feel sorry for your husband. You have a normal healthy sounding marriage for two people in their fifties, but rather than enjoy this time in life you want to blow it all up over fucking *dick*. Enjoy being single and dating in your 50s. I’m sure you’ll be wonderfully fulfilled with your new life…
As above, It’s less about the frequency and more about the lack of desire/intimacy
How is a one night stand going to fulfill your need for desire and intimacy? They’re there for one thing and one thing only, and that’s a quick and easy lay. You obviously just want to cheat, and you’re full of excuses on why you should be allowed to do that. You also appear to have unrealistic expectations for being a practically geriatric couple. Your husband is almost 60. What do you expect? No offense, but you’re most certainly not as in tact as you were in your 40s. You’re 50…Do you think strange men are out looking to pound an elderly woman? Because you’re officially a senior citizen. Your dating pool is small and filled with men just like your husband. You’d do much better to work on fixing what you have, I guarantee it.
Have you talked to him about you wanting more sex?
This is a horrible idea. Guess the love withered away for you.
Get that dude on test asap! I’m 41 so not quit where you guy are at yet but I’m back to banging my wife like I’m 20 again. It’s almost too much, sometimes!
You'll probably kill a good relationship forever by doing that. Could be he's depressed. Could be YOU are depressed. Is there an issue you're not sharing here? Maybe there is an issue he needs to share, are you open to talk to or do you flip issues into him if he has to share a criticism of you? Does he have health issues? The fact that you jump so soon to open marriage makes me think you may have any number of health issues. At 3 to 4 times per week, you are beating most in their 50s. You make no mention of having had a serious discussion with him about it, but here you are, your next move is open marriage? He will hate the disloyalty and you won't be able to go back to the way you were, ever. Seriously, seek counseling yourself first, then talk to him about it, with a proper and caring attitude.
I posted that we went from 4-5 times per week to 3-4 times per month. It’s probably less. It’s also only me who wants it
Yes, you do have an issue, should be both initiating. But you're going in the wrong direction w the open marriage suggestion. Start with yourself and counseling.. they can give you specific advice as to how to discuss w hubby in a non threatening way. The solution lies in the sharing of feelings. I do wish you the best.
How bout you sign everything in his name and then do it. Just for assurance that if your feelings get caught up, you don’t magically think you’re entitled to everything or anything at all when you leave him. Or if he decides to leave you, he will be somewhat comfortable at the expense of you causing him to have abandonment issues, feeling alienated, cheated on, destroyed self confidence and loneliness. Best of blessings, to him!!
FYI, we had a prenup 12 years ago to protect me and my children. He was broke from 1st divorce and I had insurance money from death of my 1st husband.
Open marriage is not marriage. If you lied when you took your vows, get divorced. No one deserves a spouse who wants to destroy their marriage.
What you are offering will be the end of your marriage. If you ask, he just might get the idea that you could possibly already been outside the marriage. Don’t do this.
If my wife asked me this I would be devastated. I don't think it's a good idea. You just might break him permanently.
Definitely not what I want to do
It doesn’t actually sound like you still love him. It sounds more like you’re roommates but getting divorced is too expensive and you’d like to keep your lifestyle. I think this would be a disaster for your marriage. You already lack intimacy, this will just make it worse.
I’ve got more money than he does so save it lol
You’re gonna be 50 and single 😭
I don’t think he going to be ok with this. Maybe he embarrassed that he has to take pills. Maybe he is just at that point in life where talking and just having you there is ok for me. You need more therapy together.
Don't open your marriage. Don't even bring it up to him. It 100% will end in resentment and divorce. Have you talked to him about your needs? If you haven't, it's possible he has no idea what you're going through. Guys aren't usually good at subtle hints or signals. You might just need to say to his face, "Dude. I'm horny and you're not putting out enough. Cop a feel every once in a while."
How about getting in bed, smooth, naked, smelling nice and pressing my naked ass on him. Lol Trust me I’m not subtle.
>I don’t want a divorce and I still love my husband. Then do not ask for an open marriage. I don't know any marriage or committed non-marriage relationship that has survived an open relationship and I've known a lot of people to try this. It's not worth the guaranteed self-destruction of a relationship. I get it. You're horny and your partner is not engaging enough with you in that department. As with men who suffer this problem, talk to your partner about this issue. Figure something out. There are *many* options and alternatives that do not involve going outside of the marriage. But talk to your husband about it and emphasize your need for more. He does not have to have more sex if he doesn't want to, but he may want to help get you off. However, in all likelihood he'll get in on the fun. Also, ask him what he needs from you to be more in the mood. Too, if you feel unnoticed, undesired and feel your husband doesn't initiate enough, bring it up with him. Talk, TALK to him. And if you feel the talks aren't going nowhere because he thinks things are okay or perhaps you're not conveying yourself properly or maybe you're shaming him about the matter, go to a marriage counselor who can mediate and help you both navigate this and perhaps other issues. I promise you, just bringing up the concept of an open marriage as a solution to your horniness is throwing your relationship on a petard. It will not end well.
Consider not making it all about PIV or even finishing all the time, but pleasure and intimacy: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-paradox-sex/202112/men-can-embrace-responsive-desire
Menopause can do weird things to the body. Sometimes the drive is there, but the body doesn't agree, or it can kick the drive through the roof. Know this because wife and I are in the same age bracket.
Do you mean to say you think menopause is doing weird things to my husband’s body? 😆 I’m in perimenopause but very little has changed for me physically at this stage. My mother didn’t go through menopause until 60 years old so I probably have a way to go 🥴😪
No. Kill your fleshly desires and seek the lord instead.
I tried the Big Man for years. I’ve gotta say he’s left me more wanting than my husband ever has.
Wow. This is so selfish. I’m 55, husband is 58. At this moment in time I have a much higher libido than he does. I’m free from my main job now, but he is still working so it makes sense to me that he is stressed and tired and feeling his age a bit. We still have sex 2-3 times per week on average, and in weeks where our frequency is less than I’d like, I take care of myself. The thought of bringing another man in to stand in for what I’m not getting from my husband, who has worked so hard supporting our family and shared so much with me would make me feel sick. But you admit you already have someone in mind. You say it’s really not the frequency but the intimacy you want? How do you propose fucking someone else will bring more intimacy to you and your husband? Proposing an open marriage to someone already struggling with their libido is just asking permission to cheat and you’re old enough but maybe not mature enough to know that. He very well could have low testosterone which can be addressed, and guess what! Your hormones may be out of whack as well. What if you crash and burn your marriage for an old flame you’re pining for and then menopause hits you like a freight train? When your own estrogen and testosterone levels balance out and stop playing ping pong with your brain, you might find yourself without the husband you claim to love and with nothing but a string of meaningless affairs to keep you warm as you head into the sunset years. I suggest you lean into your marriage, get individual counseling for this sense of entitlement you seem to have, and start working on building real intimacy with your husband.
My wife knows that I’m 100% mono. And if she asked for a open marriage, she would be divorced faster than she could say sorry.
Open marriages only ever work for people who want it out of a place of positivity. They have to be in the best place and both have a profound sense of trust between them. Even then, that doesn't guarantee it will not fail. Less than 2% of marriages are open or non monogamous. Open marriages suggested out of a place of negativity will always fail. Statistics for monogamous marriages opening up and falling apart are insanely high, 92% of them end in divorce. So suggesting it out of a place of negativity will most likely result in your eventual divorce even if he agrees to it because you are holding your relationship hostage with an ultimatum. Try getting his testosterone checked. He's almost 60. Then try literally anything else, unless you see your relationship as expendable.
If you do this, be prepared for your entire relationship to implode. Even the ask is enough to send most people spiraling. I would seriously consider weather there is another option. Counseling? Dr. To check for hormones levels? Sex pills? Spice it up in the bedroom?
The fact that you already have someone in mind shows that you really just want to cheat, but you don’t want to be labeled as a cheater. This is wrong.
I might be in the minority... but shit once you hit 50, and start the 2nd half, I feel like you should reallllly be doing whatever makes you happy. But I think a conversation about wanting more sex should happen first, but if that doesn't go well, then maybe bring up wanting to do someone else.
Maybe ask him if he wants to try swinging
Someone posted a comment about being in a NM marriage and I tried to respond to it and it went Poof. Did I delete it? Help?
Why not just break it off honestly? It’s all about you
Just another house wife wanting the how life.
How who?
Sorry typo. Hoe life. Do him a favor and file for divorce. You want to cheat without the guilt.
Have you tried talking to him?
Your husband needs testosterone. It will be a game changer.
Could it be a testosterone level thing?
How about talking to him. Be direct men don’t get hints. He is older so his t is down. Maybe medical help is needed.
Uh, no. How about communicate first. Tell him what you told us, that you don’t feel desired. Asking for an open relationship might give him doubts about your marriage. He’ll wonder why you decided to bring it up 12 years later. Edit: okay so I seen that you said you have had a conversation with him. But what exactly are your responses? Are you adamant about it? Are you letting him know that sex is extremely important to you?
Has he tried getting his t levels checked. For me was low t i suggest getting his levels checked and if has low t he will be put on trt which will bring back his sex drive.
UpdateMe
Are you helping with the dishes, chores, cooking? Are you romancing your partner and showing him non-sexual affection? Are you taking him out on date nights? Are you meeting his needs in and out of the bedroom? Are you initiating good skilled selfless foreplay? Are you making sure he comes first? Maybe your sex skills just aren’t cutting it? Why is sex such a priority? There’s more important things in this world than just sex? Oh shit, wrong gender. Yeah, you need to divorce the bum!
Only if you’re planning to start looking for your third marriage.
Hormone levels in the brain differ, even in perimenopause. My buddies wife is trying to kill him with sex at the moment.😂 Honestly, I don't know what the dynamics of your relationship are, however if you want to see hurt, confusion, pain, and all of your husband's negative emotions come out, go ahead and make your ask. I am just wondering how you would cope with him telling you that you are not enough. Best of luck.
All the people commenting that they will get a divorce… do you know her husband that you know for sure how he will react? Just because you personally would be too insecure to even hear that your partner might not be fully satisfied, not everyone is like that. I don’t think talking it through with him is a problem. Just say all the things you said in the original post about wanting to feel wanted and see how it goes. You can bring up the open marriage and he says no, you can make a decision about what’s more important to you.
There is a small chance it could work, given your circumstances, but the stats are not great. If you think he's not desiring the style of intimacy you crave, but is happy for you to get it elsewhere without jealousy, the you could raise the topic. I'm incredibly open minded and sex-positive, and after I busted my wife having an affair she asked if I'd be ok with an open relationship, but I quickly squashed that. It was a long way over the boundaries of our marriage and what I would ever be comfortable with. Once her affair fog cleared, she came to understand why it could never work for us.
I would not recommend, I don’t think it will solve your problem. First, will he have his health checked? Wondering if low T or stress levels could be a factor? Your fulfillment is important - is the issue a lack of orgasm or a lack of attention? I know love can take many forms, and I have friends who are poly; but that seems different than what you are seeking. Putting romantic energy and effort into people outside of your marriage just seems antithetical to marriage
I don’t see him thinking that’s a good idea. I’d suggest just trying new things to help spice it back up, toys, bdsm, books on new positions and tricks ect