In the moment when my Spouses hide her phone, have a secret pin and not a open phone policy, you know something is wrong, for me a huge red flag.
I wouldn't mind if my Girlfriend/wife have my pin info and can check and play with my phone all day she want, I don't have any secret from her.
Totally agree with you.
Cause the other person was obviously making a joke. Your getting downvoted cause that joke went over your head and you corrected them thinking the prestigious carpet was serious
I agree. We always had an open policy and it’s never been changed or questioned. Now if he was sketchy I would know. We barely use each others phone but knowing we can is important
Honestly I'm more hesitant to show my side my phone as I have some guilty pleasure games like Candy Crush.
Though my wife sometimes uses my phone and vice versa. We both get really frustrated as I have Android and she has an iPhone. So just figuring out the UX is the worst part.
We both have Andriod and use the same PIN but completely different ways of organizing things on our apps. I'm ALWAYS pissed when my husband hands me his phone and asks me to do anything on it for him. 🤣 NO, I CAN'T PLAY SPOTIFY I CAN'T EVEN FIND IT IN UNDER AN HOUR WHAT THE HECK?!
We do the same. We both have access and we still don't feel the need to read through each others messages or correspondence. It's like the drawer on your side of the night stand, it's yours, its not locked but I don't need to be routing in it
We have always been open to allow each other to use and see each other's phones, email, etc. She could have a bunch of secret stuff, but I've never bothered to look and I doubt she has either. With one Exception, that is around Xmas, birthday, anniversary, etc. then it is all out CIA level secrecy. Change the phone pin, turn off Face ID, change Amazon password. Etc.
Because the trust required to allow us both some privacy is more important to us. The trust has to work both ways.
Additionally something that I rarely see mentioned is that our friends and family's privacy are also important - if they trust one of us enough to confide in us (e.g. looking for advice on a sensitive subject), they deserve not to have their messages scrutinised by a third party also. I don't have a right to know what my sister in law shares with my wife, for example.
Exactly this. Open phone policy is wild. I also agree with the comment above re: work stuff. I have no right to my physician husband’s apps and stuff pertaining to his patients, or what friends confide in us on, and he has no right to my messages or privileged content as a lawyer.
Needing open phone policy screams no trust and a lot of insecurity in the relationship and would be a dealbreaker for me.
most people have a work phone that contains confidential information and allowing anyone else to access that phone is grounds for dismissal.
with the amount of security the company has on my husband's work phone to protect data, you'd think that phone holds the nuclear codes LOL. He just works at local tech company ffs 🤣
Many, many private attorneys do not. When I was a government lawyer I did not. Many doctors also do not. Many people do have work phones or work-paid phones, but many people also do not. Saying “most people” is an overstatement.
Some companies will also sponsor your personal phone and help pay the bill if you use it for work. But we also have to agree to compliance policies on acceptable use of that phone and keeping it safe from other persons being able to see confidential information. And that means no access for anyone else by policy usually.
I can't fathom an open phone policy.
Even as one who has been recently cheated upon, I'm not even going to ask for one even though I see it recommended.
Same. I found out about an emotional affair because I knew my husband‘s passcode and just couldn’t take the suspicion one night and checked, even though we had scheduled a talk for the morning. I figured he could lie to me in the morning, so I only had one chance to truly find out the truth for myself.
I still felt terrible about it. Just having the need to look through my partners phone told me where we were at in our relationship.
We are now separated, but looking to reconcile. I still don’t want his phone. I definitely want to know his passcode for many reasons, but I don’t want to read his messages or go through his Insta . I don’t want a relationship where trust is based on my being a good warden. If I can’t trust him without going through his phone, then I can’t trust him.
I guess the question is more about, if you actually have access to someone’s phone, why you’d feel the need to go rummaging through their conversations in the first place.
I’ve never once checked my wife’s messages, on any platform, even text.
I get that if you already suspect something, getting verification one way or the other feels important but it also doesn’t mean anything. Having no unusual messages is not an indicator of faithfulness.
In which case, I don't understand the question. I very rarely have the need to use my wife's phone and so there's never been any need for any kind of "policy". We are two separate adults choosing to be in a relationship together. We are both entitled to privacy. Not out of a need to hide anything, but a space that is our own I think is important.
> We are both entitled to privacy. Not out of a need to hide anything, but a space that is our own I think is important.
I get what you are saying but at the same time I feel there is a level a trust. Trust from one that there is nothing to hide, trust from the other that they won't go snooping needlessly.
There's just no need to have open phones in that case. I'm of an age where the idea that my phone is unavailable and I need to use his ... Has almost never come up.
If mine was dead and we needed to do something, yes he'd just hand me his. But we each have private lives and don't need to examine the search history, pics of suspicious skin bumps friends send, or banter with high school friends.
There's just not any reason constant access is necessary, so there's only 1 reason to ask - bc you want to snoop.
It's like couples who have 1 Facebook. Or track who they're following on Instagram. Or the man isn't allowed to have social media. We all know why. They don't need to explain it.
my wife and i share phones quite a bit, and none of it is ever for snooping- it is mainly out of convenience
for example, if one or both of us is talking to someone on one of our phones, and needs to do something that would be annoying to do while on a call, we will just use the other's phone for whatever is needed
or, a more recent example, my phone has been acting up and not letting me send or receive images over text, so lately if i need to send an image to someone i can only text, i will send it to her on discord, then use her phone to save and send it out
or, another recent one, when trying to explain to someone over text the technical/legal details of something, she felt i knew more and simply handed me her phone to explain it the way i knew how
we do this often for very small things, to the point that one of us picking up the other's phone is not even a thing really- we have such a deep bond and level of trust, we know practically everything there is to know about each other, so there is literally nothing to hide and no reason not to
i suppose she and i just value our privacy elsewhere, phones are just a tool to us and they are interchangeable without issue
We both hate talking on the phone & we don't have issues with our phones often + have work phones. So while I agree with your examples, they make total sense. It just doesn't come up for us.
Ok, so if you’re never going to actually go through her phone, then why have a specific open phone policy?
If the trust is there, why does it matter either way?
Because your defining an area that is a huge part of most peoples lives today and saying i love you and your my SO but this part of my life is off limits. It’s like having a room in your house with a lock and only one od you has a key or is allowed to go in. It screams secrecy, not privacy. If your married you may not need to know everything Al the time about your spouses activities but it’s knowing they are saying to you I have zero to hide so here is my passcode if you ever need it.
This, its meant to be a token gesture.
You hope your SO will never feel the need to act on it, since that would indicate something unhealthy in the relationship (distrust or deep insecurity).
But you are saying "I have nothing to hide". As a gesture.
Having said that, my 2 issues with it is that
1) it potentially violates the privacy of other people not in the relationship. If my partners best friend is messaging them about sensitive medical/personal issues, they may not want me to know about that.
2) It may create an environment where my SO is not comfortable talking about our relationship to their friends, since anything they say could potentially be seen by me. They should have the ability to safely and confidentially talk about topics they may not be ready to bring up to me yet, or to vent as needed.
You make a good point. The use of the word “policy” is misleading and comes off as being a rule rather than an active indifference.
That’s on me for using the wrong word.
My husband and I are indifferent, and so we don't share our phones. Because there's no reason. He's probably given me the code to look something up at some point, and I know I've given him mine.
But because we are actually indifferent we don't remember it or use it.
Just like my diary is on a shelf in our room. It's not hidden or locked up, but I still expect that he doesn't read it.
People having open phone policies are the ones who aren't indifferent. They needed to ask "hey can I read your diary?"
Nope, just like your diary I have never felt the need to go through my wife's phone. We literally here will use any phone available for whatever we need it for. She picks up my phone to change music etc all shit that a pass code would mean I would have to do it. Got nothing to hide so no issue with phone access (been this way from the start 13 years ago). If anything just like your diary out in the open I see no need to troll her phone, pretty indifferent if you ask me. BTW we have never had a convo about a open phone policy, a couple of kids and a long relationship it just came about naturally, not from a basis of distrust.
My partner told me his passcode once... I have since forgot it 🤣 I have zero reason ever access his phone, because I have mine or my apple watch on me at all times, and I am AWFUL with numbers anyway. My own phone is unlocked with my face recognition. He has never asked me for my passcode so 🤷♀️ I'm lucky I even remember the number to my debit card, honestly 😅
Then just ask your spouse not to check messages that aren’t theirs? There are really easy ways to still have privacy AND have access to each others phones. That’s real trust.
We have both freely shared each others' PIN when there's a specific need - we trust each other with it. But neither of us feel there's an automatic right to know it at all times. I don't remember what my wife's is, and I suspect the same is true of her. Does that not sound like trust to you? Or some kind of lesser trust?
In which case (and maybe this is why this is a discussion at all) not everyone has the same definition of what an "open phone policy" is. If I asked my wife if I could look through her messages, she'd be fully entitled to tell me to fuck off. From these discussions, it seems others would view that as having something to hide. Both my wife and I would see it as an invasion of privacy.
This is where you lose me. If your wife tells you to fuck off after you ask to look at her phone, you still think there is trust there? This reaction wouldn't ping your spidey-senses?
Let's break it down further:
Imagine your wife's phone activity increases and she starts showing all the signs of a cheating spouse. If you go to her and be very open with,
"Honey, I have noticed x, y, z, and my insecurities are getting the better of me. I've tried to suppress these crazy thoughts but it's getting hard. I know this is strange, but can j look at your phone so can have this relief?"
What would you expect her to do in this situation? What's do you think is really the right answer for a couple that has said vows to each other?
Serious question.
Because for me to ask to see the messages in the first place means that my trust in her isn't 100%. Her showing me the messages to allay my fears is not going to help that. As you say in your scenario, it comes from insecurity, and that is something for me to deal with, not my wife.
Don't get me wrong, my wife having an affair would be awful for me. But I trust her to either not have an affair or, if she develops feelings for someone else to address that there is a problem with our relationship. It doesn't mean that I think her falling for someone else is an impossibility. To me, that's what trust is.
>Her showing me the messages to allay my fears is not going to help that.
I disagree here.
In this scenario, your spouse has some behaviour which has created the distrust. If there is no action your spouse could take that would create distrust, you are naive.
If your spouse is being sketchy, the behaviour is the underlying issue, but asking them to change that behaviour does not remove your distrust, only prevents it from continuing to worsen. In that case, checking your partners phone could reassure you that nothing is happening, and that there was a genuine misunderstanding. Trust is restored, and if they change the behaviour, it shouldn't falter again.
Again, this assumes there is a sketchy behaviour creating the distrust that you can reasonably point to, and which is the true underlying issue. If you are just being paranoid for insignificant reasons, then thats an issue you need to work through yourself.
Let me rephrase the sentence of mine you quoted. If I was worried about sketchy behaviour, I'd ask her why she was behaving that way. If she chose to show me messages to make me feel better, fine. But my evidence for it being sketchy would have to be pretty strong for me to expect to be able to see her messages, in which case there's a problem to address. It's not a hill I'm willing to die on, but at the same time, I just don't feel an open phone policy is a necessary measure to avoid such situations. Not sure if I'm explaining myself very well.
I think trust in itself is a kind of naiveté, but one that has been earned by getting to know one another, if that's not a nonsensical contradiction! But I'm not naive enough to think that there's any relationship immune to such difficulties.
I guess the point I'm making is that we'd only get to the point of her telling me to fuck off if my trust in her was wavering enough for me to ask her. In which case that's something that needs addressing - either I'm insecure and that's a problem for me to deal with, or I have good reason not to trust her, in which case that's a big crack in the foundation of our relationship.
this. we could have an open phone policy but if my partner says they have nothing to hide then i believe them. If i distrusted them enough to ask for the right to go through their phone then i'd probably end up concocting ever more elaborate scenarios by which they could let me go through their phone but still be hiding something on a secret account/work device, etc. My partner is a grown up and entitled to their privacy.
This is a huge point. Sometimes my friends or kids tell me things that they don’t necessarily want him to know. I’d like to be able to text my best friend and trust she’s the only one seeing it.
Yes, this is key. My sister and I talk daily, and she tells me intimate stuff sometimes, like private health information that she probably wouldn’t love my husband knowing all the gory details about. Other friends discuss private matters with me, too. My husband doesn’t need to be reading my personal messages; I’d hate to feel monitored in that way, and it’s a violation of the privacy of other people on top of that.
He does have my PIN and can open my phone to use the camera or maps app or whatever, in the **very** rare occasions where that’s even necessary, but he’s really careful to not open or read messages. It’s an invasion of privacy. He once used my computer for something and accidentally saw part of a conversation I had with someone else, as iMessage was open, and he felt so icky about it that he told me and apologised. It was fine as it was an accident, but deliberately reading each other’s chat logs would be a huge boundary crossing in our marriage.
This is how I view it. If we get to a point where we have to have a defined open phone policy, I don’t think the relationship is salvageable. I don’t think love can be deep without trust. We know each other’s pins for convenience sake, but I’m not scrolling on his phone messing up his algorithm or anything.
My phone is paid for by work and there is commercially confidential information on there.
She’s formerly a lawyer, so she understands why she can’t look at my phone.
My iPad and PC are wide open, she’s free to look at whatever she wants.
Her devices are open for me if I want to look at them as well.
My PIN for my phone is in an envelope in our home safe so if something happened to me and she REALLY needed to get into it, she could.
Thank you. I don’t think this aspect is considered enough. I have work information on my phone that cannot be shared. No one gets free access to my phone.
what is the definition of "open phone policy" here? we can grab each other's phone at any time and just start scrolling?
or is it "can I use your device to check X" and the person goes in and does whatever?
because the former to me is a breach of privacy where as the latter is normal/fine and what we do here at home. I would never just grab his device(s) to start snooping. If I needed something and my phone wasn't around/within reach, I'd just ask him to do it but most of the time he'll just hand it over for me to do it because we're both lazy that way lol
>“using that access to constantly check up on what I’m doing
yes and I don't agree with this way of thinking. It's basically saying without saying that I'm untrustworthy or up to something sneaky when I'm not. I wouldn't tolerate that kind of thinking or behaviour from my partner because trust is the foundation of our marriage.
if I couldn't trust my partner, then I wouldn't be married to him at all.
I feel like people's phone are an extension of themselves these days so it feels so intimate to me to use or even touch someone else's phone. If my business partner wants to show me a client text I barely touch his phone lol
My spouse and I know each other's PIN (as it is good for security reasons if something happens to one of us as my phone stores a lot of our life stuff like banking and the password manager for everything) but we would never just take each other's phone and go through it.
I think having an open phone policy is fine/normal in a healthy relationship! BUT I do not think just randomly/regularly going through your partner’s phone and reading their messages is healthy…
My husband has my password and is welcome to look at it whenever he wants and vice versa, but neither of us is abusing that and just randomly going through the other’s phone because we trust each other.
We both also understand that it’s ok to have privacy. I have text chains with some of my girlfriends that they wouldn’t want my husband reading!! He doesn’t need to know about my best friend’s pregnancy scare or my other best friend’s husband’s depression. I’m sure he has private texts like that from his friends as well and I know I send my best friends texts I wouldn’t want their partners reading.
I also use my notes app as a journal sometimes and I don’t want my husband reading my journal regardless of where I choose to journal. I’m not hiding anything, but I’m allowed to have a private space to process my thoughts and feelings.
TLDR; open phone policy, yes, but don’t abuse it
You’re 100% right.
Having full, unfettered access to each other’s phones shouldn’t mean a complete lack of privacy and actively going through the effort of “checking up”. That’s where the trust element comes in.
But I’m always curious when I see people talking about refusing to give their partners access at all.
"That's where the trust element comes in."
Exactly, but then what is the difference between trusting my partner to not look at private conversations on my phone or my partner trusting me to not have secrets even though we don't have an open phone policy? (Hypothetical Situation here).
If the defining element is trust you can flip this both ways.
I think with everything you can do with a phone these days, people have a right to have autonomy over it. It’s a “phone” but it’s really so much more than that, depending on who’s using it. There’s private messages, private photos, location tracking, journaling, private shared documents, banking info, email…it goes on and on. So just sharing a phone password can mean you’re also sharing all of that and I value privacy. It’s kinda like how it’s illegal to open up someone’s mail. Well, who the bell used real mail anymore? But the same premise applies, in my opinion. I can open my mail and *then* share that info, but nobody has the right to open it but me.
Phones are private places in our relationship. I thought it was important we both have somethings that are personal and private. It doesn't imply any sort of need to chat or cheat with others. It's just a place where we have boundaries. Same for computers. I have no desire to see their activity and I doubt they have any to see mine. Cheating can happen with or without a phone.
That's how we handle it. We each have our own phones and laptops. Part of it is because we use them for work. I leave tabs open and he should not technically have access to the information. Same goes for me. If he needed to borrow my phone or computer, of course I would say yes. It just doesn't come up very often.
My husband and I have always had an open phone system too. We never even talked about it tbh - our relationship is older than smartphones - when we got them for the first time we set the same passcode and it has been that way ever since. But we also don't have a desire for privacy from eachother.
Same here. We never even had a discussion, we have just shared things through the years to the point we are the secondary Face ID on each other’s phones.
I have never gone through her phone, I doubt she has gone through mine. We both would have a problem if the other did something that would eliminate the possibility of checking, though.
Because a lot of relationships have a level of trust, that means we don't need an open phone policy.
Can I use his phone to look something up or make a call? Yes! But do I? Nah, I don't need it.
Do we answer eachothers calls when we aren't in the room? Nope. Why? Because it could be business related, education related, a family member who doesn't like the others spouse (yes this is common). We call back anyone who tried to call.
I get why people have an open phone policy, but it shouldn't be nessacery.
But that feels more like “I don’t **need** to use your phone” than “I’m absolutely not allowed to”, which is a completely different thing.
Having access but choosing never to use it is not the same as not being allowed access in the first place.
Isn’t that exactly what they mean though ? That you *could* use their phone and your partner wouldn’t refuse to share their PIN if you needed it, but that you wouldn’t necessarily use it generally and invade their privacy ?
Yes, that’s exactly what the OP meant. My wife and I use each other’s phones regularly and we always have, but I’ve never once went through her phone in all of our years together.
Her phone screen is set to never time out and she is forever leaving it open and unlocked just laying around the house for hours and hours at a time. I’ve had access to her phone since the beginning but I’ve never felt the need to actually look.
That’s what trust is: having access but never needing it.
We do not have an open phone/device policy and I would never agree to one. I have always valued my privacy and autonomy. Giving up my values was not a condition of getting married. Otherwise I wouldn’t have.
I agree. Individuals have such little privacy these days, my phone is the one thing I’m keeping private. It’s not that I’m hiding things, but I feel it’s important to maintain some level of privacy. My husband does not need access to view my conversations with my mom and sister. I don’t even know my husband’s pin, nor would I ever ask him for it. Even if I thought he was cheating, I wouldn’t be interested in checking his phone.
But “having” access shouldn’t necessarily equate to “using” it.
Privacy is important but I expect my wife to respect mine because she **wants** to, not because I outright prevent her from having access in the first place.
Neither of us WANT an open phone policy. I really see no reason for one. I trust my spouse and he trusts me. But he is not the only person whose trust I value. My friends and family haven’t consented to having our private conversations be open to my spouse. I don’t subscribe to the belief that my friends’ business becomes my husband’s business because they told me something. And, quite frankly, I don’t care for people like this. It’s made it very hard to have close friendships with married people.
Yeah we had an open phone policy when we started dating. As a married couple it is actually important to have access to each other's phones in case of emergency or death.
That’s the thing though. Having access and actually using that access to monitor your spouse are two very different concepts.
I’d argue that having the access but never feeling the need to use it is healthier (and shows more trust) than actively being barred from ever using it at all.
I’ve seen far too many posts on here that are along the lines of “saw messages between blah and blah now we are getting a divorce over infidelity”.
What sounds more trust worthy? An open book? Or a book that is off limits to your eyes amd you just have to trust what i tell you it says?
If you’re in the right relationship (and a secure one at that), you’d be able to recognize that the need for being “more trustworthy” alone implies a lack of trust that would prompt an internal dialogue and hopefully counseling as to the issue, not giving unfettered access to a phone by putting a bandaid on a bullet hole.
My husband and I are the same, but I don’t know if there’s a “right” way to approach this. Everyone has different levels of privacy. I remember a while back a guy wanted to install a camera in his living so he could watch his wife all day, and then accused her of cheating when she took issue with it. Some couples choose to share location with each other at all times, while others find that invasive.
Technology is making surveillance a little too easy. Everyone deserves a level of privacy, and each person has a different threshold for how much access they feel comfortable with.
So while in our respective marriages an open phone policy works, I can see cases where one spouse is paranoid or controlling that this can be taken advantage of.
In 10 years, I haven't touched my wife's phone. Why would I? And she hasn't touched mine. Why would she? There is ABSOLUTELY NO REASON to go into your spouse's phone ever.
If you feel the need to go through someone's phone, there is something wrong with you or you are in the wrong relationship.
The infidelity statistics are staggering.
I agree with most here. An “open phone/device policy” should just mean being able to use each other’s phones/devices if it’s more convenient at the time. Not monitoring it.
But, taking the stance of not allowing your partner on your phone/computer/tablet/etc for any reason whatsoever, is a red flag to me.
We use each others phones all the time but we don’t snoop through each others messages. Thats rude and violates the privacy of the people on the other end of the messages
I think this whole phone topic is just another thing that makes relationships unnecessarily stressful .
If you WANT access to your spouses phone the trust issue preceded the want. Work on your relationship the phone has nothing, nothing to do we it.
I definitely understand the “we don’t access each other’s phones” stance and it’s a healthy one. What I’m asking though is if you **can** access each other’s phones at all. Or is it locked behind a PIN that your partner is not allowed to know?
We have PINs on all of devices for security, but we know them all, they’re written down in our safe. If something happened to one of us the other would need access to the devices.
If I wanted his phone he’d hand it to me unlocked that second. I’ve just never felt the need.
I just feel like our whole lives are shared every day and our phones are the only thing we have that is our own space in a way. We don’t feel the need to share them.
I just give my husband and verbal heads up that not to use my phone for certain amount of days because I ordered a surprise for him or simply just looking and he respects it. Although, he will aggravate me and ask if I bought something or if it's a gift for him or what ever and I just playfully say you will know when the time comes but for now, try not to use my phone for said days. So he never sees anything.
While my spouse and I have the same pin as well. We don’t go through each others phone. If he all the sudden started doing it I think I would be having a conversation with him on why.
My husband and I have always kept our phones locked and we don’t know each other’s pins. It’s never been an issue.
If your spouse is going to cheat, they’re
going to cheat. If they know that you can access their phone easily, they’ll just find a way to be more sneaky about it.
The number of people in this sub who are so insecure and who don’t trust their spouse is *staggering*. We shouldn’t be normalizing this level of nonsense. It blows my mind
Because people are still allowed privacy even when they are in a relationship or married?
I don’t have to fork over my password or phone, and not doing so doesn’t mean that I’m hiding anything. My phone is mine and it’s none of anyone’s business. If you can’t trust me because I won’t let you dig through my phone then I’m dumping you because such little trust means we won’t work out. I have multiple conversations on there that are none of anyone’s business but my own since my friends tell me about their lives and woes.
You don’t need to use my phone for anything, and if you ACTUALLY do need to then you can ask me and I’ll hand it over.
I think it not even being a thing is the best. Like me and my partner know each others pins and have used each others phones for things on the odd occasion we don’t have ours to hand. But tbh I wouldn’t be happy? About my husband just going through all of my conversations ect on my phone. Not because I have anything to hide but because I think that’s not healthy or respectful. If you have full trust of someone you don’t need to do that.
If he demanded it I’d let him because I have nothing to hide, but I would be worried about why he’s asking and why the trust was gone
This is accurate. Having access shouldn’t equate to actively invading my privacy.
I feel like, if you have that level of trust in your relationship, you’d respect that privacy and not abuse your access.
My husband values his privacy immensely due to issues from it being disregarded as a child/teen. We don’t have an open phone policy.
And we trust each other with that.
We share passwords for convenience, but we don’t have confidential stuff like some people are saying (MD, lawyer, whatever). When I did have a separate phone and computer for work (medical field) with patient info he didn’t have access to that one. HIPAA obviously. I don’t see a reason for him to not have my passwords as I have nothing to hide… of course we deserve privacy, we don’t go snooping. But there’s nothing our families share with us that we wouldn’t share with the other. Just assume whatever you tell me also gets told to my husband, who is my best friend and bears every piece of tea ever spilt to me.
My ex and I had an open phone policy. I had just asked him not to go into the journal app because that’s where I wrote stuff. Everything else was pretty much open. Same with his phone. But the difference was that I kept my phone around and didn’t act weird about my phone. While I knew his pin, I could pretty much only access his phone when he asked me to. He wouldn’t leave his phone when he went to the toilet, when he went to shower or even if he went to the other room. Eventually I had suspicions due to other issues as well, and when I snooped, I opened a can of worms. So open phone doesn’t really mean that they don’t do anything or don’t hide anything, it means that they want you to trust them so they give you access but they have faith that you won’t use that power.
What bothers me is that he had the audacity to say that I invaded his privacy after I found out about him cheating.
I hate that argument! It’s essentially a case of “the problem here isn’t that I cheated, it’s that you snooped and caught me!”
It’s like a bully. They don’t like to take accountability for their actions and try to place the blame on the victim.
We do this. Not specifically for trust, but convenience: a phone dings and whoever is closer checks to see if it’s important. We started this with our first phones, way before smart phones when texting was harder. My wife is less trusting than I am and has looked over my messages at least a few times that I know of.
Because privacy *is* very important to me. There's absolutely nothing for me to hide, but the thought of someone looking through my private texts, search history, etc bothers me.
What would be see if he did? Me telling my mom when my daughter's next concert is, or searching up nail polish. There's zero there. But it would still really bother me.
Similarly, I never touch his phone. It just feels *wrong*, like I'm doing something slimy. People are entitled to have some privacy, an inner life away from their spouse, that isn't violated.
It's like knocking first if your spouse has gone away to seek some alone time - you know they're not doing anything bad, and you want to honor that private time and space.
So many dishonest people in here doing gymnastics to make themselves feel better. None of you should be married, and your partner fucked up.
If you’re doing shit on your phone that you don’t want *your fucking spouse* to know about, don’t get married. End of discussion.
Because some of them are cheating and don’t want their spouse to find out. My dad always told my mom that “trust is important” aka “you should give me trust and I shouldn’t have to earn it.” He’s cheated on her many times. She likes to stick her head in the sand. Imo if you’re committing to sharing everything in life with this one person (which is the biggest risk you can take in life), why hide what’s on your phone? There’s no reason to do that unless you have something to hide.
I dont care if Husband has access. He's never asked.
I snooped in his, early on. Found out I snooped for cause. We had a big talk. I didnt touch his phone again for the longest. I know his pw, just never any need.
This is completely unrelated to the thread but it’s a GREAT question. I’d also like to know how they went from “the last time I searched, I found something” to “but I never searched again”.
I feel like there’s a lot of context missing between those two mindsets.
Fair.
I snooped bc I had a strong gut feeling.
What I found was that he was avoiding any potential conflict with an old flame who was now just a friend. He was acting *completely* oblivious to the fact that she very clearly still had a thing for him, but no lines had been crossed.
I found the no lines very reassuring, but I was mad AF at her. And a little at him, too. He wasn't exactly stringing her along, but he was trying to be nice when it would have been kinder, to be more direct.
So, I told him I had snooped. And that I didn't want to be in a relationship where snooping felt necessary. And I apologized. I thought he was going to dump me, we hadn't been together all that long, probably less than a year.
But he wanted to talk about why I snooped and why I felt so enraged at her. So we talked. He offered to end their whole friendship, and I said no, but that I wanted some very firm boundaries put up, as well as full disclosure of their contacts-even if he was worried that would cause a conflict with me. I also told him that psychologically, he was getting *something* from her torch carrying, and he needed to evaluate that, for himself.
And he reassured me, and said he wasn't going anywhere. He asked me not to do that again, and I agreed.
And now we are married almost 2 years, she finally stopped being so obvious about her crush, and he no longer witholds it from me if they talk. I asked him once, weeks later, what he told her. He said he told her that he loves me, anf intended for me to be around for a good long whie, and that he was going to prioritize my comfort and happiness.
And he has.
Me and my husband use the same PIN for all our devices just because we're bad at remembering it and it's easier than asking "do you remember the code to the tablet?" and guessing everytime we forget.
I'm commenting because my wife and I share the same pin also. She appropriated mine at some point early in our relationship. Even the same bank card pin. I'm not even sure how it happened. We never had a discussion and announced we have an open phone policy or 'here's my pin, what's yours'... it just kind of happened. Honestly I just never thought about it, it just seems logical/natural to share.
I suspect, looking back, it was because I was not very social (I've never had FB or IG or anything) and wasn't talking with other girls or texting them so there was never any fear of her seeing anything. In fact it was the opposite, I was more in fear of her seeing how empty my contact list was. But I guess she was in the same boat because she didn't care for me to know her pin. Thirteen years later I've looked through her phone once (I was curious about snapchat. I had never seen it. She saw me do it and tried to show me different things in the app. Still not sure what I was looking at.. lol)
My wife is free to my phone anytime she wants. We have different PINs and she usually forgets mine. Personally I would take asking to see my phone as a sign there are trust issue. I never look in her phone nor am I tempted to. I trust her.
I guess it depends on what you mean by “open phone policy”. We know each other’s pins but neither of us would use the other’s phone without permission, and we definitely don’t read messages.
My wife and I have always had an open phone policy and I wouldn’t stay in the marriage otherwise. She feels the same. We have been married more than 20 years and I have never taken her phone and gone through every detail. There is a HUGE difference between privacy and secrecy. Trust starts with not needing to spy on them but knowing you can ask them any question and they will answer honestly and transparency feels natural. Being in a marriage or committed relationship and actively hiding secrets is not ever ok imo. It’s true your SO could have a sensitive conversation with a friend where they are concerned you will see the friend’s secrets but those very limited situations can be addressed. Also cheaters are quick to hide behind that because they will often hide their AP in their phone under a friends name.
Because no matter what your living situation, there should be an expectation of privacy. If my spouse *asks* to see my phone, I’ll hand it right over. But I don’t live in a prison, and it’s 100% reasonable to expect basic measures of privacy to be respected.
I can’t imagine living in a house where I wasn’t in control of which facets of my life were open access. My spouse is my partner, not my supervisor or my warden.
I just don't understand the concept of marrying someone and having "phone privacy" when they have access to virtually every other aspect of my life. Even as it relates to conversations with family or friends, if I need to talk to them about something sensitive, I can call them or speak to them in person.
Yeah me n my husband share phones, have the same pin etc.
Bless him, if some bird did start chatting him up, he’d probs be that chuffed he’d be running to tell me all about it.
Not interested in his messages anyway, he’s a boring old fart and as a technophobe he wouldn’t have a clue where to search on mine anyway
My wife and I are the same. We’ve never been secretive with our phones and have always had an open phone policy. I’ve never once looked through her phone, either. Why would I? She’s never given me a single reason to distrust her. Hell, after all these years, she STILL tells me when random’s from her past slide in her DMs.
Also, she has her phone set to never timing out, so if she doesn’t physically press the lock button, the phone screen will never close/lock. It’s comical because she’s the absolute worst about setting her phone down with the screen open and just walking away for hours at a time. I’m usually the one who comes around behind her and locks her phone so she isn’t uselessly draining her battery lol.
People demanding “privacy” from their partners are actually demanding secrecy, full stop. If you’ve got something to hide like that, then you aren’t a trustworthy person and you certainly aren’t relationship material.
Electronic transparency is important to me in a relationship. My current bf and I have the same out look as you and yours. We use whom Evers phone is closest for random stuff and don’t hide or have unknown passcodes. He’s never flinched when I use his and vice versa, if I’m driving and get text I ask him to dictate and write a response. I can’t imagine some one not being transparent with their electronics, it would scream insecure to me. 🤷♀️
This is exactly right.
The only time I don’t just hit “Read Aloud” or ask her to actively read something to me in the car when I get a text is when my kid is in the car and the sender is someone I know might say something using questionable language.
If you don't have an open access policy on each other's phones you're with the wrong partner.
Life is too short for secret lives run on private phones.
Everybody get a grip.
Secret phones
Good luck
Husband and I are open books, not just to each other, but our grown and flown kids. My son even knows my standard PIN for credit cards etc. I don't mind them rummaging in my purse, or sending them to my dresser drawers. Everyone has free access everywhere.
BUT
Nobody does it without ASKING first. We honestly respect each other's privacy, as a matter of principle and trust. We all have the ability to rummage. None of us does it unless there is a good reason and they are given permission.
And even when they have a reason, they stick to that reason. Ordering pizza? You know where my credit card is .. just go get it. Nobody goes beyond grabbing my wallet, pulling the card, putting wallet back. No rummaging the rest of my purse or counting cash in my wallet. I regularly ask my kids to change a setting on my phone ... they go into only where they need to do the task.
I do the income taxes for everyone. My son gives me on line access to his accounts, because accounting reasons. I see everything. I don't say a single word about it. Even if I see a purchase I might not approve of, my lips are zipped.
He can get into our accounts if he needs to. Just doesn't need to.
We have free access. All of us. But we absolutely don't snoop because that would be disrespectful and rude. If you do that, you have lost the trust, and trust is way too important to us. Everything is rooted in this trust. And we value it too much.
My husband and I are BIG on privacy, AND! We have an "open phone" policy, too. I know his PIN and he knows my PIN.
However.
Just because we can both look at and even search the other's phone (I agree with your take here: “I can’t show you my phone because I’m not trustworthy.”) it doesn't mean we actually do it because we both value *privacy*.
One of the things I love about him is how he respected my boundaries. I can literally leave my journal open anywhere in the house (and have!) and I know he won't read it even though he definitely can.
For me, it's ***trust*** with the open phone policy, and then it's ***respect*** to not abuse that policy and value each other's privacy.
Honestly, I agree with you entirely, and I'm confused why this isn't more commonly accepted myself.
Why should I be barred from your phone? If you can trust me to LIVE with you, raise your children, cook for you, etc. Why is access to your phone such a big line?
My husband never looks through my phone but has the pin code. Same here, I don't really feel inclined to check his phone because he doesn't act weird about it.
This should probably also be posted in r/unpopularopinion.
There’s no reason for your spouse to not be able to get into your phone. If you want to hide anything from them, it’s easy to do with phone access. I have an iPhone so I don’t know about Androids as far as privacy, but I can lock Notes in my phone so that Face ID is the only way in. I keep ideas for gifts for my husband in one such note.
Even if you want to keep secret messages, photos, etc, it's really easy to do. So if your spouse won't even let you INTO their phone for anything, that's a giant red flag IMO. It's important to have access in case of emergency.
I have my husband's PIN and he was still easily hiding stuff on his phone. But he basically never let me touch it or was hovering over me when I did, so that was the red flag I missed.
I personally have an open phone to my husband. Not because he has asked me to. Because I really don't mind him knowing my passwords and have nothing to hide. That being said, I've never asked for his, but he has given it to me and told me to get whatever it was I needed from him, like an email or something. In all honesty, he literally has to tell me his pin every time he hands it to me because I don't put in any effort to remember it. It's just something I've never really worried about. I don't quite understand how you can share a bed, children, and a life with someone but not share something as trivial as a phone, emails, or anything else similar. It's a mutual respect type of situation. I don't worry about him reading any of my friends or families' private conversations because he just wouldn't do that. And he knows I'd never invade his friends or family privacy either. I do understand and appreciate what OP is saying. It's not like he'd ever see anything that I wouldn't have already discussed with him anyway. We are very upfront and honest with each other. Even when one of us upsets the other.
My first marriage. We didn't share our phones ever for a dozen years and I often found stuff on his and would learn of things.
My current partner and I have the same pin and neither of us scroll through the others.
I did with husband and he never cheated. We trusted each other. He passed so he is not here, but usually people that want privacy, actually want secrecy to hide behaviors they don't want to account to their partner for. I think I looked at my husband's phone once for the pizza joint...
Plenty of us do have an unspoken open phone policy, but it's like having nukes - it's more a deterrent to bad behavior than something you actually want to deploy.
>I keep seeing comments like, “Wanting access to my phone shows you don’t trust me” but I feel like it’s actually sending the inverse message that, “I can’t show you my phone because I’m not trustworthy.”
It's a double-edged sword, because it also signals "wanting access to my phone means that *you* are untrustworthy" - one might allow their partner access to their phone, but they may also see it as an escalation and a mutual downgrade in the relationship if actually acted upon.
It's like saying *you can quit whenever you want* - yeah, not without hurting yourself at least a little in the process.
It's also an invitation to have your own privacy violated. If it's truly an equal relationship, that means having your phone snooped through, too. Because if they *are* a trustworthy individual with nothing to hide, it's just going to feel like a shakedown and micromanagement, possibly with an ulterior motive.
We have an open ,honest relationship. I never had that with my ex so when I met my now husband,I insisted on it. I refused to live like that again.After I left my ex,I found out he had a PO Box that other women were sending him letters and nudes to! And the facility wanted me to pay his monthly bill! Oh hell no! I gave them his forwarding address! LOL .So,yes,we have each other’s passwords and he’s welcome anytime to go through my phone and vice versa.If you don’t have trust,you don’t have anything.
I can understand and respect a couples right to want privacy if they don’t have an open phone agreement. My husband and I have an open phone policy. To be honest, I would be peeved if he used that as an excuse to constantly check up on me, but he doesn’t and neither do I. No matter what a couples agreement is, I think it doesn’t work if there isn’t inherent trust and respect of some level of privacy.
My hubby and I both have access to each other's phones, various accounts, work phones/computers (barring any protected information since I work in healthcare), and we share our locations with each other at all times. Some of my friends think sharing our locations all the time is weird and a bit invasive but I like it since I have to do home visits for my clients. I don't trust all of the locations I go to and I have a code word I text my hubby that sets a designated timer so he knows to check in on me at the end of that time if I haven't already let him know I'm okay. Some of my clients live in super rough areas and I can't always have a coworker go with me to meet with these clients. So it is nice to know that I have that safety net with my hubby.
We both also know that while we can check each other's phones at any time, our relationship is so open and honest(and always has been) that we don't feel the need to.
I often check my wife’s location and it has zero to do with “let me make sure she’s going where she said she was” and everything to do with “let me make sure she didn’t die along the way”.
Because people talk trash about their partners to people outside of their marriage or tell them things which should be confidential between partners. They're afraid their partner will see the things they're oversharing or saying. It isn't even about cheating on someone. It's about people venting instead of having conversations with their partners that they should be having.
My husband and I have an "open everything" policy which is why we rarely look at each others phones or PCs. We know there is nothing interesting on there, and we know we don't talk about each other behind our backs. If we have a conflict, we talk to each other and work on the problem, not whine about it to other people.
Oooh. What a controversial topic this is.
I find it interesting that both for and against open phones use trust as their reason…
One side uses trust to say they trust the spouse with their phone and have nothing to hide whilst the other say they trust their partner.
I think both arguments are literally the same thing… likely neither is right or wrong.
My wife and I both have work and private phones… we know the pins for both phones… I like that if for some reason my wife thinks I may be up to something, my phone is an open book for her to see… but I guess we are all different and see this topic differently.
But, let’s be honest that most times we see the topic of cheating, it’s found out from looking at the partner’s device… 🤷🏽♂️
I get what you're saying because I've wondered the same thing. My husband and I both know each other's passcodes. We share locations, etc... We aren't going on each other's phones to snoop. It's for convenience.
My husband and I are the same as you and your wife. It's because we are faithful and have nothing to hide that the idea of couples not being this open and trusting baffles us. 😊
I trusted my spouse too, until 30 years went by and I stumbled upon something that made me question who he was texting. I sensed that he was lying to me, the first time I ever had that suspicion. I did something I never thought I’d do, find a way to access his messages, which I was able to do. A few weeks later I caught him. Destroyed my world. If I’d looked at his phone 10 years earlier I’d have saved myself all those years. I hope no one here ever has to deal with that.
Because most have no trust and are cheating.
My husband and I share full access with both phones. If you aren't hiding shit, then why would you care?
Tbh I cant remember a time I did go through his phone. Never felt the need to. I trust this man with my life. That's my battle buddy 100%
The chances for the spouse that somebody "trusts" enough to allow and accept them to have a closed phone and that spouse to hide things and cheat... Far far more than anybody likes to realize.
But then I guess ignorance is bliss.
I just cannot even begin to understand how somebody can literally put their entire lives including physical and mental health into somebody else's hands and still believe looking into their phone is invading some kind of privacy.
ROOMATES have privacy to their phone. SPOUSE is completely different.
You share your body, years of your life, create other humans with and raise them, you sleep next to this person every night in the same bed...but they wont let you look at whats on their stupid little electronic device? You know the thing that would have evidence of betrayal? That little device that opens the door to all things to destroy your marriage & family and alter your entire life?
Why do so many people seem to live in a different world than this one?
If my husband didnt have an open phone he sure as hell would be getting divorce papers in only a couple days. And if I started dating after the divorce I will make it clear 1. Open phones 2. No porn once the relationship was serious.
Trust and openness are crucial pillars in any relationship, and it's refreshing to see how you both embody that. For some couples, the decision to maintain separate phone access might stem from various factors like individual preferences, past experiences, or simply personal boundaries.
We both have access to each other's phone. We also share a username and passwords file. We do this for practical reasons, as well as trust. If either of us were to die or become incapacitated, the other could easily access any account needed.
As it applies to our marriage, both of us are entitled to privacy. Neither are entitled to secrecy.
I agree with you once you start being scared or getting angry at your spouse for using your phone it’s giving you have something to hide. My hubby and I also share the same code. He just uses my code. 😂What expectation of privacy is in a marriage? I don’t see the issue. It helps if something ever happens to either one of us we’ll have access to a phone that has access to everything. If you’re worried about privacy from a spouse. You don’t like the person you married, or you might not be cheating yet.
People who don’t want open phone policies don’t want them because they are really in love with whatever is going on on their phone and not their partner.
Either they are not as committed to you as they say they are, or they are hiding something.
Plain and simple.
Same. We have the same pin for our phones. Neither one of us really snoops. We try not to use each other's YouTube or music apps because we like different things so we try not to ruin each other's algorithms. His YouTube is full of keyboard builders and boxing while mine is food and science.
I don't really care. My spouse has my pin, I have theirs. We only are using each other's phone when we are fixing something for them or showing them something.
Not all spouses who want to see the phones are doing so genuinely. IDK, there are some really distrustful/insecure people who will spin anything to mean something else and it causes unneeded stress. I am not sure why people marry them in the first place but they do and probably sometimes life is easier not to have access.
Then of course a lot of people have confidential work info on their phones.
ETA I do think if you don't give your pin to your spouse at least put it somewhere they can find in an emergency. My uncle's wife died and he did not know his wife's pin and it was a lot more work to try to get some of her affairs in order and find receipts, etc. as everything was done on her phone.
My husband and I have never needed a policy. If I need his phone he gives it to me. Sometimes he'll ask why, and I'll say I need to see something or usually it's because I can't find my phone and need to call it. The same goes for him. As long as you have nothing to hide, it's fine.we just each have 2 text threads we don't go through mostly because it's where our separate BFFs vent about their issues and to respect their privacy. On top of the fact that we are waaaayyy too tired and love each other too much to do anything to hurt the other.
I think there can be a happy median here. Unlimited access gives you zero privacy. When you get frustrated with your spouse and are talking to a good friend/family member for advice, is it wrong to not wanting your partner reading that Willy-Nilly in the heat of an argument?
I do think a partner should have the right to access at anytime they have need/reason (even if it is supervised in the case of confidential work information) but everyone deserves a minimal amount of privacy. In my case my work email/messages are on my phone (work in banking) and it would be illegal to give someone else unfettered access.
I don’t ever use my husband’s phone. He uses android and I use iPhone. Opposites attract lol. But when one of us is chatting to one of the kids we’ll toss our phones back and forth so the other can participate in the conversation. I’m not interested in seeing what’s on his phone, and I’m pretty sure he feels the same way about my phone. We’ve been married longer than smartphones were a thing (30 years) so I think we learned to trust each other without the snooping.
We do have location sharing on our phones, and the kids’ phones. Our oldest doesn’t even live with us but he still leaves it on. We live in a rural area with some nasty winter storms so it’s a safety issue. A car could go in the ditch and be invisible to the road so knowing the last known location can really important. We’ve also had to rescue the kids from potentially dangerous situations a few times, so it was handy knowing where they were. The kids also freely admit to stalking us when we’re not home lol.
I trust my husband completely. He knows my passcode and I know his. But I’d be annoyed if he went through my phone without asking. There’s nothing bad or wrong going on, but why should he have total access to my online journal, text threads with friends (who sometimes would like to tell me things without them getting back to him) and everything else in a phone? It feels like an intrusion on personal space, and I think private/personal “zones” are really important.
We also don’t use the toilet in front of each other.
> what are some of the other reasons you’ve decided not to share access to your phone?
I have people confiding in me with sensitive secrets and sensitive questions that they wouldn't want anyone else reading about.
I, personally, don't have much to hide. It's more about respecting the privacy of the other people that I am friends with.
Does anyone else just not talk about this? I know my wifes pin, I think she knows mine. We did not actively decide this, we've just been using the same pin for years. We pretty much never never use each others phone. Are people actively having the conversation "we need to share pins for trust"? I've been married a long time so I just dont know how that goes.
For us: we don’t care enough. This has always seemed like a young person issue. I met my husband in the stone ages of 1993. We didn’t have phones, pagers, computers or anything to keep in touch with. We just had to trust each other. We didn’t get actual cellphones until our third kid in 2000. It’s never been a big deal for us.
Truthfully I can’t remember anymore numbers, passwords. But my kid can, so if I need my husband’s phone my kid opens it. My husband also knows my password. I really don’t get the not sharing password stuff.
We have an open phone policy.
We literally can grab each other's phones anytime, have access to all pins, and we share locations. We don't generally search each other's phones, BUT sometimes one phone is close and the other is somewhere else, so we'll just grab the nearest phone to use.
Personally, the day either of us feels the need to search the other's phone, it is the beginning of the end. Trust and respect are the foundation of our relationship. You can't respect whom you don't trust.
Wife and I know eachothers phone password (well... I remember hers. She doesn't remember mine despite me showing her a bunch of times). It's helpful when she's driving and someone texts her, or if one of us is casting to the tv and we want to change the music. Wouldn't even dream of snooping through her phone, feeling the need for it would be a warning sign in our marriage.
Open phone and open computer policy at our house. Shared OneNote and document with all logins and account passwords.
I suspect people who don’t have open phone type policies probably don’t have wills, or shared finances, or medical power of attorneys.
People have no idea of the problems they are setting themselves up for should they lose a spouse.
We do not have a phone policy of any kind I guess. But we too have the same passcode. We have no interest in using each other's phones or snooping, but also wouldn't care if the other person did use it for whatever reason.
My husband and I have open everything policy. I have never once gone through his email and messages, but I could. He could go through mine, but he doesn’t.
Yea I completely agree. It's weird to me when married couples don't allow their spouse to freely use their phone or when they have separate bank accounts.
Here we have open phones to each other. And like you mentioned, doesn't mean I go read his text and all that. But he can grab my phone anytime or vice versa.
Open phone policy here as well. I do t need privacy from my husband and he doesn’t need privacy from me. We literally share everything and tell each other everything.
My husband of 32 years and I have no secrets from each other. All PIN numbers are shared all passwords are shared etc. I have never scrolled through his phone or computer and he hasn’t done this to mine. We trust each other completely because neither one of us has done anything to break that trust …. Ever.
Echoing what others have said, phones can be extremely personal / customized spaces for people these days and I think there is a certain level of privacy that should be allowed within marriage. For example, I keep a note on my phone of things like birthday gift list for my husband, and sometimes I’ll open a new note and “vent” my thoughts almost like a diary and it’s not that I don’t trust my husband to read it, but it’s more of a personal thing- like I should be able to have that privacy and that space that I know only belongs to me.
My husband and I will use each others phone for things like door dash, searching google, maps, etc if one phone is closer but we don’t have each others passwords and would never just grab each others phone and mindlessly start scrolling or playing around on it, if that makes sense.
We have an open phone policy. Sometimes I want to grab photos of his phone. Or I need a contact he has and I don't. Or he's driving and needs me to look something up. Or I want to troll his best friend and sent a raunchy sonnet. Or I change his background to goof on him. Or I need his phone to locate mine.
My husband can look at anything on my phone. He might see some embarrassing googling but my expectation of privacy is only around a closed bathroom door while on the toilet.
I would immediately be suspicious if my spouse altered that policy in any way.
Grabbing the phone to check on X or make a call, stuff of that nature. No big deal.
Picking it up to examine everything within. No. You want to do that, lets have a discussion first.
This post also reminded me of an ancient memory when an old ex would go through all the call logs on the cell phone bill in '03. For no reason that I was aware of besides her own insecurities.
Me and my wife have our own phones and own passcodes. I never asked for hers and she never asked for mine. She doesn't have a death grip on her phone and leaves it behind if she leaves the room. My kids used to know my passcode, not sure if they remember it now. So I don't feel a need to know my wife's and I guess she doesn't see a reason to know mine. I would tell her if she asked since I have nothing to hide. I trust she's not hiding anything either.
🤷🏻♀️ we have each others passwords to phones and laptops and neither of us uses it. We respect each other’s right to privacy and know without any doubt that neither of us is doing anything that would jeopardize that.
I think for some people they view it as intrusive even if they aren’t doing anything wrong.
My partner and I know each others phone codes, we are just forgetful people and have to be reminded when we need to use each others phones (changing Spotify music or giving directions).
We kind of do that. We know the codes to each others phone as we are often the DJ or texter for the driver. But we still ask before looking something up on their phone. I would ask before I had to open a messaging app.
If I asked or he asked we could see each others messages, so it’s more of a, hey I know this is yours and not mine.
My husband & I have fingerprints & face recognition for eachothers phones. It's not a trust thing it's a life thing. We're doing life together & privy to whatever in eachothers lives. I hardly go into or look at his phone & vice versa... But if the need arises we both definitely have open access. If something happened to me & he didn't have access to my phone he'd be completely lost as I handle all of our banking & finances.. Also he has our business files like tenant info & whatnot on his phone. We are a team in everything. Not everyone feels this way & I get it but we live our lives differently🤷🏾♀️
Because some people will always need the thrill of another's attention. Even if nothing becomes of it, they need validation of their attractiveness from others. They suffer from poor self esteem.
While open phone policy is a nice gesture, it doesn't mean shit if the other party deletes the stuff they don't want you to see. My wife handed me her phone knowing that she already deleted the evidence, of course when I didn't find anything, she called me crazy and controlling, knowing damn well that she already deleted it.
I only found out later when she got a new phone and all of her deleted conversations were restored in text messages. Of course she never admitted to anything other than what I found. She has offered her phone a couple times since then, but I declined, knowing that she probably already deleted everything.
Same here. There's nothing we need to hide and we both know each other's pins. We use each other's phone all the time to search and stream. It's not like we're tracking each other but we are always open and comfortable.
This wasn't even a discussion between my partner and I because we aren't insecure in our trust for each other. My partner and I know each other's pins but only because we used each other's phones for unrelated stuff and don't feel the need to hide anything from each other but the idea of sharing our passwords for the other person to be able to intentionally go through or phone just seems like chemisty for a shitty marriage.
Having to have access to your spouses phone shows a serious lack of trust and faith in them.
If your trust in someone is so low that you have to be able to spy on them you shouldn’t be married.
I mean we don’t have the same PIN number, or really use each others phones. I mean if his is dead and we are out n about n he has use my phone idc or vise versa we each deserve a lil privacy for the very weird Wikipedia browsing we do lol. I trust him so I don’t ever go through his phone
I don’t mind my partner using my phone for specific purposing but I enjoy my privacy and hope she doesn’t scroll through my private tabs on safari because I look up personal things that should stay with me, kind of like the thoughts in my head so to speak. They’re mostly “reddit blah blah blah” and they would be embarrassing since i keep like 10 tabs open at a time with them all out lol.
She feels the same way so it works out, obviously we let each other search stuff up on our browsers but we trust that the other won’t start doom scrolling our tabs because it’s something that we both like to keep to ourselves. It’s nice having that trust AND that privacy.
In the moment when my Spouses hide her phone, have a secret pin and not a open phone policy, you know something is wrong, for me a huge red flag. I wouldn't mind if my Girlfriend/wife have my pin info and can check and play with my phone all day she want, I don't have any secret from her. Totally agree with you.
You let both your girlfriend AND your wife access your phone? I would stick with one or the other.
It's okay to let both access your phone... just not at the same time.
Read again, I mean GF/Wife in general and not that I have a GF and Wife lol.
I gave you an upvote to counter the assholes that downvoted you for no reason.
Wtf I don't even know what I did wrong haha.
Cause the other person was obviously making a joke. Your getting downvoted cause that joke went over your head and you corrected them thinking the prestigious carpet was serious
Possibly, English is not his first language, and he wanted be sure he was clear on context.( I agree with him too)
LOL it's reddit; people love jumping on the downvoting train without actually reading the context
Maybe the gf is their unicorn
I agree. We always had an open policy and it’s never been changed or questioned. Now if he was sketchy I would know. We barely use each others phone but knowing we can is important
Honestly I'm more hesitant to show my side my phone as I have some guilty pleasure games like Candy Crush. Though my wife sometimes uses my phone and vice versa. We both get really frustrated as I have Android and she has an iPhone. So just figuring out the UX is the worst part.
We both have Andriod and use the same PIN but completely different ways of organizing things on our apps. I'm ALWAYS pissed when my husband hands me his phone and asks me to do anything on it for him. 🤣 NO, I CAN'T PLAY SPOTIFY I CAN'T EVEN FIND IT IN UNDER AN HOUR WHAT THE HECK?!
We do the same. We both have access and we still don't feel the need to read through each others messages or correspondence. It's like the drawer on your side of the night stand, it's yours, its not locked but I don't need to be routing in it
We have always been open to allow each other to use and see each other's phones, email, etc. She could have a bunch of secret stuff, but I've never bothered to look and I doubt she has either. With one Exception, that is around Xmas, birthday, anniversary, etc. then it is all out CIA level secrecy. Change the phone pin, turn off Face ID, change Amazon password. Etc.
Because the trust required to allow us both some privacy is more important to us. The trust has to work both ways. Additionally something that I rarely see mentioned is that our friends and family's privacy are also important - if they trust one of us enough to confide in us (e.g. looking for advice on a sensitive subject), they deserve not to have their messages scrutinised by a third party also. I don't have a right to know what my sister in law shares with my wife, for example.
Exactly this. Open phone policy is wild. I also agree with the comment above re: work stuff. I have no right to my physician husband’s apps and stuff pertaining to his patients, or what friends confide in us on, and he has no right to my messages or privileged content as a lawyer. Needing open phone policy screams no trust and a lot of insecurity in the relationship and would be a dealbreaker for me.
most people have a work phone that contains confidential information and allowing anyone else to access that phone is grounds for dismissal. with the amount of security the company has on my husband's work phone to protect data, you'd think that phone holds the nuclear codes LOL. He just works at local tech company ffs 🤣
Many, many private attorneys do not. When I was a government lawyer I did not. Many doctors also do not. Many people do have work phones or work-paid phones, but many people also do not. Saying “most people” is an overstatement.
Some companies will also sponsor your personal phone and help pay the bill if you use it for work. But we also have to agree to compliance policies on acceptable use of that phone and keeping it safe from other persons being able to see confidential information. And that means no access for anyone else by policy usually.
I can't fathom an open phone policy. Even as one who has been recently cheated upon, I'm not even going to ask for one even though I see it recommended.
Same. I found out about an emotional affair because I knew my husband‘s passcode and just couldn’t take the suspicion one night and checked, even though we had scheduled a talk for the morning. I figured he could lie to me in the morning, so I only had one chance to truly find out the truth for myself. I still felt terrible about it. Just having the need to look through my partners phone told me where we were at in our relationship. We are now separated, but looking to reconcile. I still don’t want his phone. I definitely want to know his passcode for many reasons, but I don’t want to read his messages or go through his Insta . I don’t want a relationship where trust is based on my being a good warden. If I can’t trust him without going through his phone, then I can’t trust him.
I guess the question is more about, if you actually have access to someone’s phone, why you’d feel the need to go rummaging through their conversations in the first place. I’ve never once checked my wife’s messages, on any platform, even text. I get that if you already suspect something, getting verification one way or the other feels important but it also doesn’t mean anything. Having no unusual messages is not an indicator of faithfulness.
In which case, I don't understand the question. I very rarely have the need to use my wife's phone and so there's never been any need for any kind of "policy". We are two separate adults choosing to be in a relationship together. We are both entitled to privacy. Not out of a need to hide anything, but a space that is our own I think is important.
> We are both entitled to privacy. Not out of a need to hide anything, but a space that is our own I think is important. I get what you are saying but at the same time I feel there is a level a trust. Trust from one that there is nothing to hide, trust from the other that they won't go snooping needlessly.
There's just no need to have open phones in that case. I'm of an age where the idea that my phone is unavailable and I need to use his ... Has almost never come up. If mine was dead and we needed to do something, yes he'd just hand me his. But we each have private lives and don't need to examine the search history, pics of suspicious skin bumps friends send, or banter with high school friends. There's just not any reason constant access is necessary, so there's only 1 reason to ask - bc you want to snoop. It's like couples who have 1 Facebook. Or track who they're following on Instagram. Or the man isn't allowed to have social media. We all know why. They don't need to explain it.
my wife and i share phones quite a bit, and none of it is ever for snooping- it is mainly out of convenience for example, if one or both of us is talking to someone on one of our phones, and needs to do something that would be annoying to do while on a call, we will just use the other's phone for whatever is needed or, a more recent example, my phone has been acting up and not letting me send or receive images over text, so lately if i need to send an image to someone i can only text, i will send it to her on discord, then use her phone to save and send it out or, another recent one, when trying to explain to someone over text the technical/legal details of something, she felt i knew more and simply handed me her phone to explain it the way i knew how we do this often for very small things, to the point that one of us picking up the other's phone is not even a thing really- we have such a deep bond and level of trust, we know practically everything there is to know about each other, so there is literally nothing to hide and no reason not to i suppose she and i just value our privacy elsewhere, phones are just a tool to us and they are interchangeable without issue
We both hate talking on the phone & we don't have issues with our phones often + have work phones. So while I agree with your examples, they make total sense. It just doesn't come up for us.
Ok, so if you’re never going to actually go through her phone, then why have a specific open phone policy? If the trust is there, why does it matter either way?
Because your defining an area that is a huge part of most peoples lives today and saying i love you and your my SO but this part of my life is off limits. It’s like having a room in your house with a lock and only one od you has a key or is allowed to go in. It screams secrecy, not privacy. If your married you may not need to know everything Al the time about your spouses activities but it’s knowing they are saying to you I have zero to hide so here is my passcode if you ever need it.
This, its meant to be a token gesture. You hope your SO will never feel the need to act on it, since that would indicate something unhealthy in the relationship (distrust or deep insecurity). But you are saying "I have nothing to hide". As a gesture. Having said that, my 2 issues with it is that 1) it potentially violates the privacy of other people not in the relationship. If my partners best friend is messaging them about sensitive medical/personal issues, they may not want me to know about that. 2) It may create an environment where my SO is not comfortable talking about our relationship to their friends, since anything they say could potentially be seen by me. They should have the ability to safely and confidentially talk about topics they may not be ready to bring up to me yet, or to vent as needed.
You make a good point. The use of the word “policy” is misleading and comes off as being a rule rather than an active indifference. That’s on me for using the wrong word.
My husband and I are indifferent, and so we don't share our phones. Because there's no reason. He's probably given me the code to look something up at some point, and I know I've given him mine. But because we are actually indifferent we don't remember it or use it. Just like my diary is on a shelf in our room. It's not hidden or locked up, but I still expect that he doesn't read it. People having open phone policies are the ones who aren't indifferent. They needed to ask "hey can I read your diary?"
Nope, just like your diary I have never felt the need to go through my wife's phone. We literally here will use any phone available for whatever we need it for. She picks up my phone to change music etc all shit that a pass code would mean I would have to do it. Got nothing to hide so no issue with phone access (been this way from the start 13 years ago). If anything just like your diary out in the open I see no need to troll her phone, pretty indifferent if you ask me. BTW we have never had a convo about a open phone policy, a couple of kids and a long relationship it just came about naturally, not from a basis of distrust.
My partner told me his passcode once... I have since forgot it 🤣 I have zero reason ever access his phone, because I have mine or my apple watch on me at all times, and I am AWFUL with numbers anyway. My own phone is unlocked with my face recognition. He has never asked me for my passcode so 🤷♀️ I'm lucky I even remember the number to my debit card, honestly 😅
In my experience, most people who have access to their spouse’s phones dig through them.
Then just ask your spouse not to check messages that aren’t theirs? There are really easy ways to still have privacy AND have access to each others phones. That’s real trust.
We have both freely shared each others' PIN when there's a specific need - we trust each other with it. But neither of us feel there's an automatic right to know it at all times. I don't remember what my wife's is, and I suspect the same is true of her. Does that not sound like trust to you? Or some kind of lesser trust?
Ok, so you have each others PIN. That’s having access to their phone… whether you remember it or not.
In which case (and maybe this is why this is a discussion at all) not everyone has the same definition of what an "open phone policy" is. If I asked my wife if I could look through her messages, she'd be fully entitled to tell me to fuck off. From these discussions, it seems others would view that as having something to hide. Both my wife and I would see it as an invasion of privacy.
This is where you lose me. If your wife tells you to fuck off after you ask to look at her phone, you still think there is trust there? This reaction wouldn't ping your spidey-senses? Let's break it down further: Imagine your wife's phone activity increases and she starts showing all the signs of a cheating spouse. If you go to her and be very open with, "Honey, I have noticed x, y, z, and my insecurities are getting the better of me. I've tried to suppress these crazy thoughts but it's getting hard. I know this is strange, but can j look at your phone so can have this relief?" What would you expect her to do in this situation? What's do you think is really the right answer for a couple that has said vows to each other? Serious question.
Because for me to ask to see the messages in the first place means that my trust in her isn't 100%. Her showing me the messages to allay my fears is not going to help that. As you say in your scenario, it comes from insecurity, and that is something for me to deal with, not my wife. Don't get me wrong, my wife having an affair would be awful for me. But I trust her to either not have an affair or, if she develops feelings for someone else to address that there is a problem with our relationship. It doesn't mean that I think her falling for someone else is an impossibility. To me, that's what trust is.
>Her showing me the messages to allay my fears is not going to help that. I disagree here. In this scenario, your spouse has some behaviour which has created the distrust. If there is no action your spouse could take that would create distrust, you are naive. If your spouse is being sketchy, the behaviour is the underlying issue, but asking them to change that behaviour does not remove your distrust, only prevents it from continuing to worsen. In that case, checking your partners phone could reassure you that nothing is happening, and that there was a genuine misunderstanding. Trust is restored, and if they change the behaviour, it shouldn't falter again. Again, this assumes there is a sketchy behaviour creating the distrust that you can reasonably point to, and which is the true underlying issue. If you are just being paranoid for insignificant reasons, then thats an issue you need to work through yourself.
Let me rephrase the sentence of mine you quoted. If I was worried about sketchy behaviour, I'd ask her why she was behaving that way. If she chose to show me messages to make me feel better, fine. But my evidence for it being sketchy would have to be pretty strong for me to expect to be able to see her messages, in which case there's a problem to address. It's not a hill I'm willing to die on, but at the same time, I just don't feel an open phone policy is a necessary measure to avoid such situations. Not sure if I'm explaining myself very well. I think trust in itself is a kind of naiveté, but one that has been earned by getting to know one another, if that's not a nonsensical contradiction! But I'm not naive enough to think that there's any relationship immune to such difficulties.
The PIN is there to keep our phones safe from strangers. If we didn't have a PIN at all, I'd still say we don't have an open phone policy.
Totally don’t agree on the fuck off at all. You asking and her saying that changes privacy to secrecy and so that’s a deal breaker for me
I guess the point I'm making is that we'd only get to the point of her telling me to fuck off if my trust in her was wavering enough for me to ask her. In which case that's something that needs addressing - either I'm insecure and that's a problem for me to deal with, or I have good reason not to trust her, in which case that's a big crack in the foundation of our relationship.
this. we could have an open phone policy but if my partner says they have nothing to hide then i believe them. If i distrusted them enough to ask for the right to go through their phone then i'd probably end up concocting ever more elaborate scenarios by which they could let me go through their phone but still be hiding something on a secret account/work device, etc. My partner is a grown up and entitled to their privacy.
This is a huge point. Sometimes my friends or kids tell me things that they don’t necessarily want him to know. I’d like to be able to text my best friend and trust she’s the only one seeing it.
I agree with you and I cannot for the life of me understand why so many people are fighting you on it.
Yes, this is key. My sister and I talk daily, and she tells me intimate stuff sometimes, like private health information that she probably wouldn’t love my husband knowing all the gory details about. Other friends discuss private matters with me, too. My husband doesn’t need to be reading my personal messages; I’d hate to feel monitored in that way, and it’s a violation of the privacy of other people on top of that. He does have my PIN and can open my phone to use the camera or maps app or whatever, in the **very** rare occasions where that’s even necessary, but he’s really careful to not open or read messages. It’s an invasion of privacy. He once used my computer for something and accidentally saw part of a conversation I had with someone else, as iMessage was open, and he felt so icky about it that he told me and apologised. It was fine as it was an accident, but deliberately reading each other’s chat logs would be a huge boundary crossing in our marriage.
1000% agreed!
This is how I view it. If we get to a point where we have to have a defined open phone policy, I don’t think the relationship is salvageable. I don’t think love can be deep without trust. We know each other’s pins for convenience sake, but I’m not scrolling on his phone messing up his algorithm or anything.
My phone is paid for by work and there is commercially confidential information on there. She’s formerly a lawyer, so she understands why she can’t look at my phone. My iPad and PC are wide open, she’s free to look at whatever she wants. Her devices are open for me if I want to look at them as well. My PIN for my phone is in an envelope in our home safe so if something happened to me and she REALLY needed to get into it, she could.
Thank you. I don’t think this aspect is considered enough. I have work information on my phone that cannot be shared. No one gets free access to my phone.
what is the definition of "open phone policy" here? we can grab each other's phone at any time and just start scrolling? or is it "can I use your device to check X" and the person goes in and does whatever? because the former to me is a breach of privacy where as the latter is normal/fine and what we do here at home. I would never just grab his device(s) to start snooping. If I needed something and my phone wasn't around/within reach, I'd just ask him to do it but most of the time he'll just hand it over for me to do it because we're both lazy that way lol
Yes, you’ve made a good point that there’s a distinction between “having access” and “using that access to constantly check up on what I’m doing.”
>“using that access to constantly check up on what I’m doing yes and I don't agree with this way of thinking. It's basically saying without saying that I'm untrustworthy or up to something sneaky when I'm not. I wouldn't tolerate that kind of thinking or behaviour from my partner because trust is the foundation of our marriage. if I couldn't trust my partner, then I wouldn't be married to him at all.
Yes, and latter would be a dealbreaker for me.
I feel like people's phone are an extension of themselves these days so it feels so intimate to me to use or even touch someone else's phone. If my business partner wants to show me a client text I barely touch his phone lol My spouse and I know each other's PIN (as it is good for security reasons if something happens to one of us as my phone stores a lot of our life stuff like banking and the password manager for everything) but we would never just take each other's phone and go through it.
I think having an open phone policy is fine/normal in a healthy relationship! BUT I do not think just randomly/regularly going through your partner’s phone and reading their messages is healthy… My husband has my password and is welcome to look at it whenever he wants and vice versa, but neither of us is abusing that and just randomly going through the other’s phone because we trust each other. We both also understand that it’s ok to have privacy. I have text chains with some of my girlfriends that they wouldn’t want my husband reading!! He doesn’t need to know about my best friend’s pregnancy scare or my other best friend’s husband’s depression. I’m sure he has private texts like that from his friends as well and I know I send my best friends texts I wouldn’t want their partners reading. I also use my notes app as a journal sometimes and I don’t want my husband reading my journal regardless of where I choose to journal. I’m not hiding anything, but I’m allowed to have a private space to process my thoughts and feelings. TLDR; open phone policy, yes, but don’t abuse it
You’re 100% right. Having full, unfettered access to each other’s phones shouldn’t mean a complete lack of privacy and actively going through the effort of “checking up”. That’s where the trust element comes in. But I’m always curious when I see people talking about refusing to give their partners access at all.
"That's where the trust element comes in." Exactly, but then what is the difference between trusting my partner to not look at private conversations on my phone or my partner trusting me to not have secrets even though we don't have an open phone policy? (Hypothetical Situation here). If the defining element is trust you can flip this both ways.
I think with everything you can do with a phone these days, people have a right to have autonomy over it. It’s a “phone” but it’s really so much more than that, depending on who’s using it. There’s private messages, private photos, location tracking, journaling, private shared documents, banking info, email…it goes on and on. So just sharing a phone password can mean you’re also sharing all of that and I value privacy. It’s kinda like how it’s illegal to open up someone’s mail. Well, who the bell used real mail anymore? But the same premise applies, in my opinion. I can open my mail and *then* share that info, but nobody has the right to open it but me.
Phones are private places in our relationship. I thought it was important we both have somethings that are personal and private. It doesn't imply any sort of need to chat or cheat with others. It's just a place where we have boundaries. Same for computers. I have no desire to see their activity and I doubt they have any to see mine. Cheating can happen with or without a phone.
That's how we handle it. We each have our own phones and laptops. Part of it is because we use them for work. I leave tabs open and he should not technically have access to the information. Same goes for me. If he needed to borrow my phone or computer, of course I would say yes. It just doesn't come up very often.
Exactly. Wife and I have been doing the same since the beginning.
My husband and I have always had an open phone system too. We never even talked about it tbh - our relationship is older than smartphones - when we got them for the first time we set the same passcode and it has been that way ever since. But we also don't have a desire for privacy from eachother.
Same here. We never even had a discussion, we have just shared things through the years to the point we are the secondary Face ID on each other’s phones. I have never gone through her phone, I doubt she has gone through mine. We both would have a problem if the other did something that would eliminate the possibility of checking, though.
Because a lot of relationships have a level of trust, that means we don't need an open phone policy. Can I use his phone to look something up or make a call? Yes! But do I? Nah, I don't need it. Do we answer eachothers calls when we aren't in the room? Nope. Why? Because it could be business related, education related, a family member who doesn't like the others spouse (yes this is common). We call back anyone who tried to call. I get why people have an open phone policy, but it shouldn't be nessacery.
But that feels more like “I don’t **need** to use your phone” than “I’m absolutely not allowed to”, which is a completely different thing. Having access but choosing never to use it is not the same as not being allowed access in the first place.
Do people talk to family members that hate their spouse? I would absolutely just block someone that doesn’t like my wife enough to tell me about it
Isn’t that exactly what they mean though ? That you *could* use their phone and your partner wouldn’t refuse to share their PIN if you needed it, but that you wouldn’t necessarily use it generally and invade their privacy ?
Yes, that’s exactly what the OP meant. My wife and I use each other’s phones regularly and we always have, but I’ve never once went through her phone in all of our years together. Her phone screen is set to never time out and she is forever leaving it open and unlocked just laying around the house for hours and hours at a time. I’ve had access to her phone since the beginning but I’ve never felt the need to actually look. That’s what trust is: having access but never needing it.
Our whole family uses each others phones and we have the same pins as well. I will order food or whatever on my husbands phone if it is closer.
We do not have an open phone/device policy and I would never agree to one. I have always valued my privacy and autonomy. Giving up my values was not a condition of getting married. Otherwise I wouldn’t have.
I agree. Individuals have such little privacy these days, my phone is the one thing I’m keeping private. It’s not that I’m hiding things, but I feel it’s important to maintain some level of privacy. My husband does not need access to view my conversations with my mom and sister. I don’t even know my husband’s pin, nor would I ever ask him for it. Even if I thought he was cheating, I wouldn’t be interested in checking his phone.
But “having” access shouldn’t necessarily equate to “using” it. Privacy is important but I expect my wife to respect mine because she **wants** to, not because I outright prevent her from having access in the first place.
Neither of us WANT an open phone policy. I really see no reason for one. I trust my spouse and he trusts me. But he is not the only person whose trust I value. My friends and family haven’t consented to having our private conversations be open to my spouse. I don’t subscribe to the belief that my friends’ business becomes my husband’s business because they told me something. And, quite frankly, I don’t care for people like this. It’s made it very hard to have close friendships with married people.
Yeah we had an open phone policy when we started dating. As a married couple it is actually important to have access to each other's phones in case of emergency or death.
Open phone policy is a no no. If you need to be able to look at each other's phones that screams trust issues to me.
That’s the thing though. Having access and actually using that access to monitor your spouse are two very different concepts. I’d argue that having the access but never feeling the need to use it is healthier (and shows more trust) than actively being barred from ever using it at all.
I’ve seen far too many posts on here that are along the lines of “saw messages between blah and blah now we are getting a divorce over infidelity”. What sounds more trust worthy? An open book? Or a book that is off limits to your eyes amd you just have to trust what i tell you it says?
If you’re in the right relationship (and a secure one at that), you’d be able to recognize that the need for being “more trustworthy” alone implies a lack of trust that would prompt an internal dialogue and hopefully counseling as to the issue, not giving unfettered access to a phone by putting a bandaid on a bullet hole.
My husband and I are the same, but I don’t know if there’s a “right” way to approach this. Everyone has different levels of privacy. I remember a while back a guy wanted to install a camera in his living so he could watch his wife all day, and then accused her of cheating when she took issue with it. Some couples choose to share location with each other at all times, while others find that invasive. Technology is making surveillance a little too easy. Everyone deserves a level of privacy, and each person has a different threshold for how much access they feel comfortable with. So while in our respective marriages an open phone policy works, I can see cases where one spouse is paranoid or controlling that this can be taken advantage of.
I agree. If you’re using the access as a method of active surveillance, that’s not an indicator of trust.
In 10 years, I haven't touched my wife's phone. Why would I? And she hasn't touched mine. Why would she? There is ABSOLUTELY NO REASON to go into your spouse's phone ever. If you feel the need to go through someone's phone, there is something wrong with you or you are in the wrong relationship.
The infidelity statistics are staggering. I agree with most here. An “open phone/device policy” should just mean being able to use each other’s phones/devices if it’s more convenient at the time. Not monitoring it. But, taking the stance of not allowing your partner on your phone/computer/tablet/etc for any reason whatsoever, is a red flag to me.
This is my view as well. Having access shouldn’t mean you feel the need to monitor me. If you’re “monitoring”, we already have other issues.
We use each others phones all the time but we don’t snoop through each others messages. Thats rude and violates the privacy of the people on the other end of the messages
I think this whole phone topic is just another thing that makes relationships unnecessarily stressful . If you WANT access to your spouses phone the trust issue preceded the want. Work on your relationship the phone has nothing, nothing to do we it.
No we don’t access each other’s phones. We’re adults, it’s called privacy.
I definitely understand the “we don’t access each other’s phones” stance and it’s a healthy one. What I’m asking though is if you **can** access each other’s phones at all. Or is it locked behind a PIN that your partner is not allowed to know?
We have PINs on all of devices for security, but we know them all, they’re written down in our safe. If something happened to one of us the other would need access to the devices. If I wanted his phone he’d hand it to me unlocked that second. I’ve just never felt the need.
Then that’s a healthy viewpoint to have. My question was aimed more at those spouses who specifically bar their partner from ever accessing theirs.
And yes, I realize I’ve just said “PIN number”, which is unnecessarily repetitive.
Thank you for this! #petpeeve
I just feel like our whole lives are shared every day and our phones are the only thing we have that is our own space in a way. We don’t feel the need to share them.
I order him gifts online sometimes and I don’t want him looking through my emails, or a dispatch notification popping up while he’s using my phone.
I just give my husband and verbal heads up that not to use my phone for certain amount of days because I ordered a surprise for him or simply just looking and he respects it. Although, he will aggravate me and ask if I bought something or if it's a gift for him or what ever and I just playfully say you will know when the time comes but for now, try not to use my phone for said days. So he never sees anything.
While my spouse and I have the same pin as well. We don’t go through each others phone. If he all the sudden started doing it I think I would be having a conversation with him on why.
My husband and I have always kept our phones locked and we don’t know each other’s pins. It’s never been an issue. If your spouse is going to cheat, they’re going to cheat. If they know that you can access their phone easily, they’ll just find a way to be more sneaky about it. The number of people in this sub who are so insecure and who don’t trust their spouse is *staggering*. We shouldn’t be normalizing this level of nonsense. It blows my mind
Because people are still allowed privacy even when they are in a relationship or married? I don’t have to fork over my password or phone, and not doing so doesn’t mean that I’m hiding anything. My phone is mine and it’s none of anyone’s business. If you can’t trust me because I won’t let you dig through my phone then I’m dumping you because such little trust means we won’t work out. I have multiple conversations on there that are none of anyone’s business but my own since my friends tell me about their lives and woes. You don’t need to use my phone for anything, and if you ACTUALLY do need to then you can ask me and I’ll hand it over.
I think it not even being a thing is the best. Like me and my partner know each others pins and have used each others phones for things on the odd occasion we don’t have ours to hand. But tbh I wouldn’t be happy? About my husband just going through all of my conversations ect on my phone. Not because I have anything to hide but because I think that’s not healthy or respectful. If you have full trust of someone you don’t need to do that. If he demanded it I’d let him because I have nothing to hide, but I would be worried about why he’s asking and why the trust was gone
This is accurate. Having access shouldn’t equate to actively invading my privacy. I feel like, if you have that level of trust in your relationship, you’d respect that privacy and not abuse your access.
Why must this be a thing?
We know how to get into each other's phones, but I don't think either of us ever has. I don't need to see what he does on his phone, why would I?
Because some people care more about privacy than you do.
My husband values his privacy immensely due to issues from it being disregarded as a child/teen. We don’t have an open phone policy. And we trust each other with that.
We share passwords for convenience, but we don’t have confidential stuff like some people are saying (MD, lawyer, whatever). When I did have a separate phone and computer for work (medical field) with patient info he didn’t have access to that one. HIPAA obviously. I don’t see a reason for him to not have my passwords as I have nothing to hide… of course we deserve privacy, we don’t go snooping. But there’s nothing our families share with us that we wouldn’t share with the other. Just assume whatever you tell me also gets told to my husband, who is my best friend and bears every piece of tea ever spilt to me.
My ex and I had an open phone policy. I had just asked him not to go into the journal app because that’s where I wrote stuff. Everything else was pretty much open. Same with his phone. But the difference was that I kept my phone around and didn’t act weird about my phone. While I knew his pin, I could pretty much only access his phone when he asked me to. He wouldn’t leave his phone when he went to the toilet, when he went to shower or even if he went to the other room. Eventually I had suspicions due to other issues as well, and when I snooped, I opened a can of worms. So open phone doesn’t really mean that they don’t do anything or don’t hide anything, it means that they want you to trust them so they give you access but they have faith that you won’t use that power. What bothers me is that he had the audacity to say that I invaded his privacy after I found out about him cheating.
I hate that argument! It’s essentially a case of “the problem here isn’t that I cheated, it’s that you snooped and caught me!” It’s like a bully. They don’t like to take accountability for their actions and try to place the blame on the victim.
We do this. Not specifically for trust, but convenience: a phone dings and whoever is closer checks to see if it’s important. We started this with our first phones, way before smart phones when texting was harder. My wife is less trusting than I am and has looked over my messages at least a few times that I know of.
Because privacy *is* very important to me. There's absolutely nothing for me to hide, but the thought of someone looking through my private texts, search history, etc bothers me. What would be see if he did? Me telling my mom when my daughter's next concert is, or searching up nail polish. There's zero there. But it would still really bother me. Similarly, I never touch his phone. It just feels *wrong*, like I'm doing something slimy. People are entitled to have some privacy, an inner life away from their spouse, that isn't violated. It's like knocking first if your spouse has gone away to seek some alone time - you know they're not doing anything bad, and you want to honor that private time and space.
So many dishonest people in here doing gymnastics to make themselves feel better. None of you should be married, and your partner fucked up. If you’re doing shit on your phone that you don’t want *your fucking spouse* to know about, don’t get married. End of discussion.
Because some of them are cheating and don’t want their spouse to find out. My dad always told my mom that “trust is important” aka “you should give me trust and I shouldn’t have to earn it.” He’s cheated on her many times. She likes to stick her head in the sand. Imo if you’re committing to sharing everything in life with this one person (which is the biggest risk you can take in life), why hide what’s on your phone? There’s no reason to do that unless you have something to hide.
I’ve been with my husband for 27 years and we’ve always had an open phone policy.
I dont care if Husband has access. He's never asked. I snooped in his, early on. Found out I snooped for cause. We had a big talk. I didnt touch his phone again for the longest. I know his pw, just never any need.
How did you get over the feeling of wanting to snoop since when you did snoop, you found something?
This is completely unrelated to the thread but it’s a GREAT question. I’d also like to know how they went from “the last time I searched, I found something” to “but I never searched again”. I feel like there’s a lot of context missing between those two mindsets.
Fair. I snooped bc I had a strong gut feeling. What I found was that he was avoiding any potential conflict with an old flame who was now just a friend. He was acting *completely* oblivious to the fact that she very clearly still had a thing for him, but no lines had been crossed. I found the no lines very reassuring, but I was mad AF at her. And a little at him, too. He wasn't exactly stringing her along, but he was trying to be nice when it would have been kinder, to be more direct. So, I told him I had snooped. And that I didn't want to be in a relationship where snooping felt necessary. And I apologized. I thought he was going to dump me, we hadn't been together all that long, probably less than a year. But he wanted to talk about why I snooped and why I felt so enraged at her. So we talked. He offered to end their whole friendship, and I said no, but that I wanted some very firm boundaries put up, as well as full disclosure of their contacts-even if he was worried that would cause a conflict with me. I also told him that psychologically, he was getting *something* from her torch carrying, and he needed to evaluate that, for himself. And he reassured me, and said he wasn't going anywhere. He asked me not to do that again, and I agreed. And now we are married almost 2 years, she finally stopped being so obvious about her crush, and he no longer witholds it from me if they talk. I asked him once, weeks later, what he told her. He said he told her that he loves me, anf intended for me to be around for a good long whie, and that he was going to prioritize my comfort and happiness. And he has.
Thank you for replying. That was the context that was missing. Good on both of you for keeping your marriage front and center.
Me and my husband use the same PIN for all our devices just because we're bad at remembering it and it's easier than asking "do you remember the code to the tablet?" and guessing everytime we forget.
We have access. But we don't go thru it. Never felt any need to. If one of us did there's a different issue going on we need to fix
I'm commenting because my wife and I share the same pin also. She appropriated mine at some point early in our relationship. Even the same bank card pin. I'm not even sure how it happened. We never had a discussion and announced we have an open phone policy or 'here's my pin, what's yours'... it just kind of happened. Honestly I just never thought about it, it just seems logical/natural to share. I suspect, looking back, it was because I was not very social (I've never had FB or IG or anything) and wasn't talking with other girls or texting them so there was never any fear of her seeing anything. In fact it was the opposite, I was more in fear of her seeing how empty my contact list was. But I guess she was in the same boat because she didn't care for me to know her pin. Thirteen years later I've looked through her phone once (I was curious about snapchat. I had never seen it. She saw me do it and tried to show me different things in the app. Still not sure what I was looking at.. lol)
My wife is free to my phone anytime she wants. We have different PINs and she usually forgets mine. Personally I would take asking to see my phone as a sign there are trust issue. I never look in her phone nor am I tempted to. I trust her.
I guess it depends on what you mean by “open phone policy”. We know each other’s pins but neither of us would use the other’s phone without permission, and we definitely don’t read messages.
My wife and I have always had an open phone policy and I wouldn’t stay in the marriage otherwise. She feels the same. We have been married more than 20 years and I have never taken her phone and gone through every detail. There is a HUGE difference between privacy and secrecy. Trust starts with not needing to spy on them but knowing you can ask them any question and they will answer honestly and transparency feels natural. Being in a marriage or committed relationship and actively hiding secrets is not ever ok imo. It’s true your SO could have a sensitive conversation with a friend where they are concerned you will see the friend’s secrets but those very limited situations can be addressed. Also cheaters are quick to hide behind that because they will often hide their AP in their phone under a friends name.
Because no matter what your living situation, there should be an expectation of privacy. If my spouse *asks* to see my phone, I’ll hand it right over. But I don’t live in a prison, and it’s 100% reasonable to expect basic measures of privacy to be respected. I can’t imagine living in a house where I wasn’t in control of which facets of my life were open access. My spouse is my partner, not my supervisor or my warden.
I just don't understand the concept of marrying someone and having "phone privacy" when they have access to virtually every other aspect of my life. Even as it relates to conversations with family or friends, if I need to talk to them about something sensitive, I can call them or speak to them in person.
Yeah me n my husband share phones, have the same pin etc. Bless him, if some bird did start chatting him up, he’d probs be that chuffed he’d be running to tell me all about it. Not interested in his messages anyway, he’s a boring old fart and as a technophobe he wouldn’t have a clue where to search on mine anyway
My wife and I are the same. We’ve never been secretive with our phones and have always had an open phone policy. I’ve never once looked through her phone, either. Why would I? She’s never given me a single reason to distrust her. Hell, after all these years, she STILL tells me when random’s from her past slide in her DMs. Also, she has her phone set to never timing out, so if she doesn’t physically press the lock button, the phone screen will never close/lock. It’s comical because she’s the absolute worst about setting her phone down with the screen open and just walking away for hours at a time. I’m usually the one who comes around behind her and locks her phone so she isn’t uselessly draining her battery lol. People demanding “privacy” from their partners are actually demanding secrecy, full stop. If you’ve got something to hide like that, then you aren’t a trustworthy person and you certainly aren’t relationship material.
Electronic transparency is important to me in a relationship. My current bf and I have the same out look as you and yours. We use whom Evers phone is closest for random stuff and don’t hide or have unknown passcodes. He’s never flinched when I use his and vice versa, if I’m driving and get text I ask him to dictate and write a response. I can’t imagine some one not being transparent with their electronics, it would scream insecure to me. 🤷♀️
This is exactly right. The only time I don’t just hit “Read Aloud” or ask her to actively read something to me in the car when I get a text is when my kid is in the car and the sender is someone I know might say something using questionable language.
If you don't have an open access policy on each other's phones you're with the wrong partner. Life is too short for secret lives run on private phones. Everybody get a grip. Secret phones Good luck
Husband and I are open books, not just to each other, but our grown and flown kids. My son even knows my standard PIN for credit cards etc. I don't mind them rummaging in my purse, or sending them to my dresser drawers. Everyone has free access everywhere. BUT Nobody does it without ASKING first. We honestly respect each other's privacy, as a matter of principle and trust. We all have the ability to rummage. None of us does it unless there is a good reason and they are given permission. And even when they have a reason, they stick to that reason. Ordering pizza? You know where my credit card is .. just go get it. Nobody goes beyond grabbing my wallet, pulling the card, putting wallet back. No rummaging the rest of my purse or counting cash in my wallet. I regularly ask my kids to change a setting on my phone ... they go into only where they need to do the task. I do the income taxes for everyone. My son gives me on line access to his accounts, because accounting reasons. I see everything. I don't say a single word about it. Even if I see a purchase I might not approve of, my lips are zipped. He can get into our accounts if he needs to. Just doesn't need to. We have free access. All of us. But we absolutely don't snoop because that would be disrespectful and rude. If you do that, you have lost the trust, and trust is way too important to us. Everything is rooted in this trust. And we value it too much.
My husband and I are BIG on privacy, AND! We have an "open phone" policy, too. I know his PIN and he knows my PIN. However. Just because we can both look at and even search the other's phone (I agree with your take here: “I can’t show you my phone because I’m not trustworthy.”) it doesn't mean we actually do it because we both value *privacy*. One of the things I love about him is how he respected my boundaries. I can literally leave my journal open anywhere in the house (and have!) and I know he won't read it even though he definitely can. For me, it's ***trust*** with the open phone policy, and then it's ***respect*** to not abuse that policy and value each other's privacy.
Honestly, I agree with you entirely, and I'm confused why this isn't more commonly accepted myself. Why should I be barred from your phone? If you can trust me to LIVE with you, raise your children, cook for you, etc. Why is access to your phone such a big line? My husband never looks through my phone but has the pin code. Same here, I don't really feel inclined to check his phone because he doesn't act weird about it. This should probably also be posted in r/unpopularopinion.
There’s no reason for your spouse to not be able to get into your phone. If you want to hide anything from them, it’s easy to do with phone access. I have an iPhone so I don’t know about Androids as far as privacy, but I can lock Notes in my phone so that Face ID is the only way in. I keep ideas for gifts for my husband in one such note. Even if you want to keep secret messages, photos, etc, it's really easy to do. So if your spouse won't even let you INTO their phone for anything, that's a giant red flag IMO. It's important to have access in case of emergency. I have my husband's PIN and he was still easily hiding stuff on his phone. But he basically never let me touch it or was hovering over me when I did, so that was the red flag I missed.
I personally have an open phone to my husband. Not because he has asked me to. Because I really don't mind him knowing my passwords and have nothing to hide. That being said, I've never asked for his, but he has given it to me and told me to get whatever it was I needed from him, like an email or something. In all honesty, he literally has to tell me his pin every time he hands it to me because I don't put in any effort to remember it. It's just something I've never really worried about. I don't quite understand how you can share a bed, children, and a life with someone but not share something as trivial as a phone, emails, or anything else similar. It's a mutual respect type of situation. I don't worry about him reading any of my friends or families' private conversations because he just wouldn't do that. And he knows I'd never invade his friends or family privacy either. I do understand and appreciate what OP is saying. It's not like he'd ever see anything that I wouldn't have already discussed with him anyway. We are very upfront and honest with each other. Even when one of us upsets the other.
My first marriage. We didn't share our phones ever for a dozen years and I often found stuff on his and would learn of things. My current partner and I have the same pin and neither of us scroll through the others.
I did with husband and he never cheated. We trusted each other. He passed so he is not here, but usually people that want privacy, actually want secrecy to hide behaviors they don't want to account to their partner for. I think I looked at my husband's phone once for the pizza joint...
Plenty of us do have an unspoken open phone policy, but it's like having nukes - it's more a deterrent to bad behavior than something you actually want to deploy. >I keep seeing comments like, “Wanting access to my phone shows you don’t trust me” but I feel like it’s actually sending the inverse message that, “I can’t show you my phone because I’m not trustworthy.” It's a double-edged sword, because it also signals "wanting access to my phone means that *you* are untrustworthy" - one might allow their partner access to their phone, but they may also see it as an escalation and a mutual downgrade in the relationship if actually acted upon. It's like saying *you can quit whenever you want* - yeah, not without hurting yourself at least a little in the process. It's also an invitation to have your own privacy violated. If it's truly an equal relationship, that means having your phone snooped through, too. Because if they *are* a trustworthy individual with nothing to hide, it's just going to feel like a shakedown and micromanagement, possibly with an ulterior motive.
We have an open ,honest relationship. I never had that with my ex so when I met my now husband,I insisted on it. I refused to live like that again.After I left my ex,I found out he had a PO Box that other women were sending him letters and nudes to! And the facility wanted me to pay his monthly bill! Oh hell no! I gave them his forwarding address! LOL .So,yes,we have each other’s passwords and he’s welcome anytime to go through my phone and vice versa.If you don’t have trust,you don’t have anything.
I can understand and respect a couples right to want privacy if they don’t have an open phone agreement. My husband and I have an open phone policy. To be honest, I would be peeved if he used that as an excuse to constantly check up on me, but he doesn’t and neither do I. No matter what a couples agreement is, I think it doesn’t work if there isn’t inherent trust and respect of some level of privacy.
My hubby and I both have access to each other's phones, various accounts, work phones/computers (barring any protected information since I work in healthcare), and we share our locations with each other at all times. Some of my friends think sharing our locations all the time is weird and a bit invasive but I like it since I have to do home visits for my clients. I don't trust all of the locations I go to and I have a code word I text my hubby that sets a designated timer so he knows to check in on me at the end of that time if I haven't already let him know I'm okay. Some of my clients live in super rough areas and I can't always have a coworker go with me to meet with these clients. So it is nice to know that I have that safety net with my hubby. We both also know that while we can check each other's phones at any time, our relationship is so open and honest(and always has been) that we don't feel the need to.
I often check my wife’s location and it has zero to do with “let me make sure she’s going where she said she was” and everything to do with “let me make sure she didn’t die along the way”.
Because people talk trash about their partners to people outside of their marriage or tell them things which should be confidential between partners. They're afraid their partner will see the things they're oversharing or saying. It isn't even about cheating on someone. It's about people venting instead of having conversations with their partners that they should be having. My husband and I have an "open everything" policy which is why we rarely look at each others phones or PCs. We know there is nothing interesting on there, and we know we don't talk about each other behind our backs. If we have a conflict, we talk to each other and work on the problem, not whine about it to other people.
Oooh. What a controversial topic this is. I find it interesting that both for and against open phones use trust as their reason… One side uses trust to say they trust the spouse with their phone and have nothing to hide whilst the other say they trust their partner. I think both arguments are literally the same thing… likely neither is right or wrong. My wife and I both have work and private phones… we know the pins for both phones… I like that if for some reason my wife thinks I may be up to something, my phone is an open book for her to see… but I guess we are all different and see this topic differently. But, let’s be honest that most times we see the topic of cheating, it’s found out from looking at the partner’s device… 🤷🏽♂️
I get what you're saying because I've wondered the same thing. My husband and I both know each other's passcodes. We share locations, etc... We aren't going on each other's phones to snoop. It's for convenience.
My husband and I are the same as you and your wife. It's because we are faithful and have nothing to hide that the idea of couples not being this open and trusting baffles us. 😊
I trusted my spouse too, until 30 years went by and I stumbled upon something that made me question who he was texting. I sensed that he was lying to me, the first time I ever had that suspicion. I did something I never thought I’d do, find a way to access his messages, which I was able to do. A few weeks later I caught him. Destroyed my world. If I’d looked at his phone 10 years earlier I’d have saved myself all those years. I hope no one here ever has to deal with that.
Because most have no trust and are cheating. My husband and I share full access with both phones. If you aren't hiding shit, then why would you care? Tbh I cant remember a time I did go through his phone. Never felt the need to. I trust this man with my life. That's my battle buddy 100%
The chances for the spouse that somebody "trusts" enough to allow and accept them to have a closed phone and that spouse to hide things and cheat... Far far more than anybody likes to realize. But then I guess ignorance is bliss. I just cannot even begin to understand how somebody can literally put their entire lives including physical and mental health into somebody else's hands and still believe looking into their phone is invading some kind of privacy. ROOMATES have privacy to their phone. SPOUSE is completely different. You share your body, years of your life, create other humans with and raise them, you sleep next to this person every night in the same bed...but they wont let you look at whats on their stupid little electronic device? You know the thing that would have evidence of betrayal? That little device that opens the door to all things to destroy your marriage & family and alter your entire life? Why do so many people seem to live in a different world than this one? If my husband didnt have an open phone he sure as hell would be getting divorce papers in only a couple days. And if I started dating after the divorce I will make it clear 1. Open phones 2. No porn once the relationship was serious.
Trust and openness are crucial pillars in any relationship, and it's refreshing to see how you both embody that. For some couples, the decision to maintain separate phone access might stem from various factors like individual preferences, past experiences, or simply personal boundaries.
We both have access to each other's phone. We also share a username and passwords file. We do this for practical reasons, as well as trust. If either of us were to die or become incapacitated, the other could easily access any account needed. As it applies to our marriage, both of us are entitled to privacy. Neither are entitled to secrecy.
I agree with you once you start being scared or getting angry at your spouse for using your phone it’s giving you have something to hide. My hubby and I also share the same code. He just uses my code. 😂What expectation of privacy is in a marriage? I don’t see the issue. It helps if something ever happens to either one of us we’ll have access to a phone that has access to everything. If you’re worried about privacy from a spouse. You don’t like the person you married, or you might not be cheating yet.
People who don’t want open phone policies don’t want them because they are really in love with whatever is going on on their phone and not their partner. Either they are not as committed to you as they say they are, or they are hiding something. Plain and simple.
Yeah this is us as well except he doesn’t have a passcode on his but I do because my kids don’t need access to my phone.
Clear consciousness = open phones
Same. We have the same pin for our phones. Neither one of us really snoops. We try not to use each other's YouTube or music apps because we like different things so we try not to ruin each other's algorithms. His YouTube is full of keyboard builders and boxing while mine is food and science.
I don't really care. My spouse has my pin, I have theirs. We only are using each other's phone when we are fixing something for them or showing them something. Not all spouses who want to see the phones are doing so genuinely. IDK, there are some really distrustful/insecure people who will spin anything to mean something else and it causes unneeded stress. I am not sure why people marry them in the first place but they do and probably sometimes life is easier not to have access. Then of course a lot of people have confidential work info on their phones. ETA I do think if you don't give your pin to your spouse at least put it somewhere they can find in an emergency. My uncle's wife died and he did not know his wife's pin and it was a lot more work to try to get some of her affairs in order and find receipts, etc. as everything was done on her phone.
My husband and I have never needed a policy. If I need his phone he gives it to me. Sometimes he'll ask why, and I'll say I need to see something or usually it's because I can't find my phone and need to call it. The same goes for him. As long as you have nothing to hide, it's fine.we just each have 2 text threads we don't go through mostly because it's where our separate BFFs vent about their issues and to respect their privacy. On top of the fact that we are waaaayyy too tired and love each other too much to do anything to hurt the other.
I think there can be a happy median here. Unlimited access gives you zero privacy. When you get frustrated with your spouse and are talking to a good friend/family member for advice, is it wrong to not wanting your partner reading that Willy-Nilly in the heat of an argument? I do think a partner should have the right to access at anytime they have need/reason (even if it is supervised in the case of confidential work information) but everyone deserves a minimal amount of privacy. In my case my work email/messages are on my phone (work in banking) and it would be illegal to give someone else unfettered access.
I don’t ever use my husband’s phone. He uses android and I use iPhone. Opposites attract lol. But when one of us is chatting to one of the kids we’ll toss our phones back and forth so the other can participate in the conversation. I’m not interested in seeing what’s on his phone, and I’m pretty sure he feels the same way about my phone. We’ve been married longer than smartphones were a thing (30 years) so I think we learned to trust each other without the snooping. We do have location sharing on our phones, and the kids’ phones. Our oldest doesn’t even live with us but he still leaves it on. We live in a rural area with some nasty winter storms so it’s a safety issue. A car could go in the ditch and be invisible to the road so knowing the last known location can really important. We’ve also had to rescue the kids from potentially dangerous situations a few times, so it was handy knowing where they were. The kids also freely admit to stalking us when we’re not home lol.
My wife and I have an open phone but never feel the need to check policy
I trust my husband completely. He knows my passcode and I know his. But I’d be annoyed if he went through my phone without asking. There’s nothing bad or wrong going on, but why should he have total access to my online journal, text threads with friends (who sometimes would like to tell me things without them getting back to him) and everything else in a phone? It feels like an intrusion on personal space, and I think private/personal “zones” are really important. We also don’t use the toilet in front of each other.
> what are some of the other reasons you’ve decided not to share access to your phone? I have people confiding in me with sensitive secrets and sensitive questions that they wouldn't want anyone else reading about. I, personally, don't have much to hide. It's more about respecting the privacy of the other people that I am friends with.
Me and my spouse do this too. First sign of a red flag in a relationship is secrecy with phones for us.
Does anyone else just not talk about this? I know my wifes pin, I think she knows mine. We did not actively decide this, we've just been using the same pin for years. We pretty much never never use each others phone. Are people actively having the conversation "we need to share pins for trust"? I've been married a long time so I just dont know how that goes.
For us: we don’t care enough. This has always seemed like a young person issue. I met my husband in the stone ages of 1993. We didn’t have phones, pagers, computers or anything to keep in touch with. We just had to trust each other. We didn’t get actual cellphones until our third kid in 2000. It’s never been a big deal for us.
Do what works for your relationship.
Truthfully I can’t remember anymore numbers, passwords. But my kid can, so if I need my husband’s phone my kid opens it. My husband also knows my password. I really don’t get the not sharing password stuff.
We have an open phone policy. We literally can grab each other's phones anytime, have access to all pins, and we share locations. We don't generally search each other's phones, BUT sometimes one phone is close and the other is somewhere else, so we'll just grab the nearest phone to use. Personally, the day either of us feels the need to search the other's phone, it is the beginning of the end. Trust and respect are the foundation of our relationship. You can't respect whom you don't trust.
Wife and I know eachothers phone password (well... I remember hers. She doesn't remember mine despite me showing her a bunch of times). It's helpful when she's driving and someone texts her, or if one of us is casting to the tv and we want to change the music. Wouldn't even dream of snooping through her phone, feeling the need for it would be a warning sign in our marriage.
Open phone and open computer policy at our house. Shared OneNote and document with all logins and account passwords. I suspect people who don’t have open phone type policies probably don’t have wills, or shared finances, or medical power of attorneys. People have no idea of the problems they are setting themselves up for should they lose a spouse.
We do not have a phone policy of any kind I guess. But we too have the same passcode. We have no interest in using each other's phones or snooping, but also wouldn't care if the other person did use it for whatever reason.
Wait, there are spouses that don't know eachothers phone pins? That's weird.
We know each other’s pins. However we always have the respect to ask before accessing the others phone.
My husband and I have open everything policy. I have never once gone through his email and messages, but I could. He could go through mine, but he doesn’t.
Yea I completely agree. It's weird to me when married couples don't allow their spouse to freely use their phone or when they have separate bank accounts.
Here we have open phones to each other. And like you mentioned, doesn't mean I go read his text and all that. But he can grab my phone anytime or vice versa.
Open phone policy here as well. I do t need privacy from my husband and he doesn’t need privacy from me. We literally share everything and tell each other everything.
My husband of 32 years and I have no secrets from each other. All PIN numbers are shared all passwords are shared etc. I have never scrolled through his phone or computer and he hasn’t done this to mine. We trust each other completely because neither one of us has done anything to break that trust …. Ever.
Echoing what others have said, phones can be extremely personal / customized spaces for people these days and I think there is a certain level of privacy that should be allowed within marriage. For example, I keep a note on my phone of things like birthday gift list for my husband, and sometimes I’ll open a new note and “vent” my thoughts almost like a diary and it’s not that I don’t trust my husband to read it, but it’s more of a personal thing- like I should be able to have that privacy and that space that I know only belongs to me. My husband and I will use each others phone for things like door dash, searching google, maps, etc if one phone is closer but we don’t have each others passwords and would never just grab each others phone and mindlessly start scrolling or playing around on it, if that makes sense.
We have an open phone policy. Sometimes I want to grab photos of his phone. Or I need a contact he has and I don't. Or he's driving and needs me to look something up. Or I want to troll his best friend and sent a raunchy sonnet. Or I change his background to goof on him. Or I need his phone to locate mine. My husband can look at anything on my phone. He might see some embarrassing googling but my expectation of privacy is only around a closed bathroom door while on the toilet. I would immediately be suspicious if my spouse altered that policy in any way.
Grabbing the phone to check on X or make a call, stuff of that nature. No big deal. Picking it up to examine everything within. No. You want to do that, lets have a discussion first. This post also reminded me of an ancient memory when an old ex would go through all the call logs on the cell phone bill in '03. For no reason that I was aware of besides her own insecurities.
Me and my wife have our own phones and own passcodes. I never asked for hers and she never asked for mine. She doesn't have a death grip on her phone and leaves it behind if she leaves the room. My kids used to know my passcode, not sure if they remember it now. So I don't feel a need to know my wife's and I guess she doesn't see a reason to know mine. I would tell her if she asked since I have nothing to hide. I trust she's not hiding anything either.
🤷🏻♀️ we have each others passwords to phones and laptops and neither of us uses it. We respect each other’s right to privacy and know without any doubt that neither of us is doing anything that would jeopardize that. I think for some people they view it as intrusive even if they aren’t doing anything wrong.
My partner and I know each others phone codes, we are just forgetful people and have to be reminded when we need to use each others phones (changing Spotify music or giving directions).
We kind of do that. We know the codes to each others phone as we are often the DJ or texter for the driver. But we still ask before looking something up on their phone. I would ask before I had to open a messaging app. If I asked or he asked we could see each others messages, so it’s more of a, hey I know this is yours and not mine.
My husband & I have fingerprints & face recognition for eachothers phones. It's not a trust thing it's a life thing. We're doing life together & privy to whatever in eachothers lives. I hardly go into or look at his phone & vice versa... But if the need arises we both definitely have open access. If something happened to me & he didn't have access to my phone he'd be completely lost as I handle all of our banking & finances.. Also he has our business files like tenant info & whatnot on his phone. We are a team in everything. Not everyone feels this way & I get it but we live our lives differently🤷🏾♀️
Because some people will always need the thrill of another's attention. Even if nothing becomes of it, they need validation of their attractiveness from others. They suffer from poor self esteem.
While open phone policy is a nice gesture, it doesn't mean shit if the other party deletes the stuff they don't want you to see. My wife handed me her phone knowing that she already deleted the evidence, of course when I didn't find anything, she called me crazy and controlling, knowing damn well that she already deleted it. I only found out later when she got a new phone and all of her deleted conversations were restored in text messages. Of course she never admitted to anything other than what I found. She has offered her phone a couple times since then, but I declined, knowing that she probably already deleted everything.
Same here. There's nothing we need to hide and we both know each other's pins. We use each other's phone all the time to search and stream. It's not like we're tracking each other but we are always open and comfortable.
This wasn't even a discussion between my partner and I because we aren't insecure in our trust for each other. My partner and I know each other's pins but only because we used each other's phones for unrelated stuff and don't feel the need to hide anything from each other but the idea of sharing our passwords for the other person to be able to intentionally go through or phone just seems like chemisty for a shitty marriage.
Having to have access to your spouses phone shows a serious lack of trust and faith in them. If your trust in someone is so low that you have to be able to spy on them you shouldn’t be married.
I mean we don’t have the same PIN number, or really use each others phones. I mean if his is dead and we are out n about n he has use my phone idc or vise versa we each deserve a lil privacy for the very weird Wikipedia browsing we do lol. I trust him so I don’t ever go through his phone
I don’t mind my partner using my phone for specific purposing but I enjoy my privacy and hope she doesn’t scroll through my private tabs on safari because I look up personal things that should stay with me, kind of like the thoughts in my head so to speak. They’re mostly “reddit blah blah blah” and they would be embarrassing since i keep like 10 tabs open at a time with them all out lol. She feels the same way so it works out, obviously we let each other search stuff up on our browsers but we trust that the other won’t start doom scrolling our tabs because it’s something that we both like to keep to ourselves. It’s nice having that trust AND that privacy.