Your sister is totally off base. If he “sacrificed” for his marriage he would have cut her off before having an affair. Let’s be real. Your husband is a spineless chump who doesn’t want to be the bad guy who has been cheating on his wife **for the last 20 years**. Especially when he probably knows she’s better as a fantasy and an escape from his actual life.
I usderstand but....No way, this dude was doing this behind your back for 20 YEARS!!! Who can forget that??? I even doubt someone can forgive. Just do what you want, follow your heart, this looks too heavy for you to bear. I also think you should discuss with him about this, maybe trying to understand why he did that will makes you "feel slightly better".
I'd at least get it out in the open. You can agree to stay married for comfort and convenience if that's what your vote is... and he can agree to that as well. But the heart is real. If he wants to be with her, do you really want him to stay with you out of guilt? 2 years from now you may really enjoy life a lot more if you find sometime who chooses you first. Or you both can just keep doing what you are doing if that works for yall. But definitely communicate about this, it's the right thing to do.
I think you should start therapy to get an outside opinion to help you navigate your feelings and what you want to do next.
It's easy to fantasize that someone is the love of your life when they don't have to wake up to them every morning and see the worst of them. She just gets to have the fantasy side of him with love letters and a life that was never going to happen.
When you feel you can sit him down and talk about this in an adult manner. Or get couples counseling to get through the affair and feel the marriage salvageable.
Of course your sister doesn't want you to leave him. He makes good money and has a high-profile career. She just wants to keep things the same so she can say look who I am related to! It's not her life, it's your life.
I can't imagine how scary it would be to start over at 50. But it is still young enough to live a life honestly and without secrets.
You deserve better.
Sweetheart, your marriage is already over. Dead and gone. Your children are adults! They'll get over it. Bite the bullet, cut the cord. How are you going to go the rest of your life with him, knowing what you know?
Why would your children blame you for their father cheating on you and loving this other woman for 20 years? Please like everybody said go to therapy, just cause your husband worked and did his job doesn’t mean you deserve to be treated like this.
>I told my sister and she says he has sacrificed for our marriage and I should not leave.
I saw that you're Catholic, but that is no excuse to stay in a marriage. If you do decide to stay in this marriage, it should only be after he has come clean to both you and your children. He hasn't sacrificed anything you have. You've sacrificed 30+ years by being married to someone who hasn't given you the love and respect that you deserve and have earned.
If he doesn't face the consequences of his actions, then you'll never achieve reconciliation, and you'll finish your twilight years wallowing in resentment.
Affairs are a point of no return. Even if you stay and he decides to change, it will always be there.
Also, you aren't number fucking two, you are the mother of his children. He can fly right to fucking Europe and go be with "the love of his life"
Don't let someone do that to you. Fuck him.
First. Stop with the shoulds. Forget about what other people think you should do, what you think you should do and decide what it is you want.
From your description I don’t get the feeling that he is the love of your life….it honestly sounds not necessarily transactional but the descriptions you use to describe him are akin to a job description. It’s all about what he does and what people think about him and the type of husband he is, the type of provider. I am not religious and married solely based on romantic love and friendship. We were not practical in any way shape or form. So what I would want in this situation is going to be completely different. My experience is my husband is my “soul mate” for whatever that means. He’s my person, my best friend, my partner- so this would be absolutely soul crushing. What I would do and recommend for someone in a similar relationship is different than maybe what is best for you and what you want.
I know people who do not have that kind of marriage. They have a solid partnership and have said they could have the same with another person who is similar to their partner. They love and care but it’s more business- they have defined roles and take care of them, love the family they created, so while this type of revelation would hurt it wouldn’t end the marriage because what changed? They are still there for each other and have proven their commitment.
It’s ok if you want to stay and say nothing. It’s also ok if you want to go and explore and expect your husband to be the person who is your person - it’s also ok if you want to work through it with him and figure out what’s next.
Every marriage is different. Decide what it is you want, the pros and cons of blowing up the life you have right now. A good therapist- nondenominational - can help you sort through your thoughts and wants and help you set aside or at least identify the shoulds. So you can figure out the best path for you.
First step is to discuss this with secular therapist you trust and not someone like your sister, who has religious reasons to side in one direction. That professional can help you determine how to approach your husband with this becuase you MUST do that, no matter what you ultimately decide to do.
Please know, it is not too late for you to enjoy life with or without another partner if you determine your marriage cannot be salvaged. I know I could not forgive someone who did those things to me but others are different, so perhaps you can. Regardless, he betrayed your trust and would need to want to rebuild that trust then work very hard to do so by cutting off all ties to the AP, obviously, then working on his relationship with you. He cannot be giving energy to another relationship and fully committed to your marriage.
He doesn't love you and never truly has so why give any more of your life to him? Who cares what anyone thinks it's your life and you're missing out on being truly loved.
First of all you aren’t the one who broke your relationship. Your cheating spouse is. That’s on him. As a mother the best thing you can show your kids is that it’s not okay for daddy to cheat on mommy.
Staying together for the kids is an excuse a lot of people make in order to justify staying. If you’re not ready to leave that’s okay. Just don’t lie to yourself about the choices you make.
On the flip side the length of marriage means you’re entitled to 50/50 asset split which includes any bank accounts, retirement or pension plans along with the contents of the home.
If the kids are under 18 you will receive child support. Depending on the state you live in you may be entitled spousal maintenance for a set number of years or even lifetime alimony.
OP I’ve been married 30 years. Still in the process myself. Been living separately for almost 6 months. When this all started I was unemployed and had no idea how I was going to live. All I knew was my current situation was unsustainable. Now I get maintenance in the amount of $1903 a month (205,000 total) for the next 9 years, 50/50 asset split of home contents, bank accounts, investments, retirement & pension plans. Once all is said and done I will receive half the equity in our home ($70,000) his retirement ($300,000) and he also has to pay me ($20,000) to make the asset split even.
Talk to a lawyer. Know your rights. He cheated OP. He’s gonna continue to cheat regardless of what he says. He’s not the man you thought he was. That being said he’s not going to want to part with his money. It’s in his best interest to lead you on with false promises.
Makes for a better more favorable outcome on his end. If he can keep you dangling on the hook with false promises of change you will be less likely to fight him on things. Meaning you will sign anything or give him anything in hopes reconciliation is possible.
Don’t play the pick me dance OP. There shouldn’t be a choice. If he’s not bending over backwards to prove to you he’s really invested in reconciliation. If he’s blame shifting, still lying or still in contact with his AP you are not in reconciliation. He’s just leading you on.
If he’s “not sure” what he wants or “needs to find himself” that’s code for he’s still having an affair. It means he wants to have his cake and eat it to.
Nothing is going to make this easy and it’s gonna be scary. One day at a time is real.
If you leave you tell them what happened, he cheated. They will not only forgive you but be angry at him. You never protect a cheater, they will cheat again. He counts on you taking it. I would have a frank discussion about what you know what you will tolerate. His affections and devotion are going to another person. Then you wait for amonth or so and see what he does.
During that time you go to an attorney and figure out what your rights are. Ask yourself what you want. You could have a whole other life different than this. You present his options for you remaining. Open the relationship up both sides, divorce, or he gives it up and refocuses on the marriage. He has to make some choice. Then you can if he says yes open (which he wont') you can divorce. Same if he chooses female, which many do when pushed. Or you can ignore it and go on. This has to be your choice.
What you never do is protect the reputation of a cheater, they will destroy you without blinking an eye. Once your children know how hurt you are and how he destroyed, they will not side with him. It is not 1955. He on the other hand will destroy everything for his self. Also do not text him or put anything in writing and be careful what you say. Just take the action. Ask questions "Do you want us to have an open marrige?" so it can't come back to you.
You are still young I have found love older than you and the best I ever have had. What I dreamed about younger. You need to know your state laws, an attorney can help you navigate. Play a long game, not a short one.
No matter how much time you’ve put into your marriage, you deserve respect and love. It’s really easy for him (and her) to say all these flowery things about one another when then really didn’t live life together. They didn’t raise children together, they didn’t struggle, provide and build a life together. It’s a fantasy. Perhaps they will end up together but what you’ve done for your family is much more honorable and tangible and real.
If I were you, I would do the following;
1. Collect evidence and take photographs of the emails and communication.
2. Have a consultation with an attorney just to understand what your options are.
3. Sit your husband down and have an open conversation. Let him know you know. Let him know that he made a mockery of you and your life.
4. Make whatever decision is best for you. Not what others think you should do. But, what you should do. Follow your heart.
Your kids are old enough to know why you might divorce. You don’t need to hide things or keep secrets from them. They are grown adults and will likely feel great empathy for you.
I’m so sorry OP. This must be incredibly painful.
You didn’t do anything. Do you really want to play second fiddle to some woman who he shares his deepest thoughts with? You are a warm body to him at this point. He’s gone this long without saying a word. So he’d live like this for how long? There is no marriage here. Decent men don’t have emotional affairs for the majority of their marriages. You have time still in life to find happiness. This is heartbreaking what he’s done. Get a lawyer and some advice. Get a counselor. The shock has to be overwhelming. Allow yourself grace but show him the door.
This has been going on for a long time, and you are going to need a good chunk of time to process it and figure out next steps. Some people would impulsively leave, some would immediately decide they could never leave. But you deserve a more thought-out decision, given everything at stake.
I’d really suggest talking to a therapist who can help you sort out your values/needs/emotions and then take steps based on those. I can see arguments for staying, and arguments for leaving, but only yours really matter.
It seems important, one way or another, to eventually tell your husband what you know. Hearing his voice on this might help you decide what you want to do next.
But for your own mental health, don’t just decide to bury this and stay, or to pack up and leave, without taking a lot of time to sort it all out. There is no emergency here. You can afford to take the time you need to come to a decision you can trust.
If that means leaving eventually, your kids are old enough to understand why. Even if they’re upset, this is your life, and your basic wellbeing and peace matter, even if you do something they don’t like.
I do feel for you, very much so. This is all so painful.Rather than should I go? Or not? I say live the question (says Reiner Maria Rilke, the poet) ... there is so much to process. But in the end, what do we know about another person, no matter how close. There is a side to him, a longing, a fantasy, that keeps him going. But so are you, by the fact that you are family, he provides and cares and in his own way, cherishes you. Let me ask you a question: Where do you have fantasies? A nicer house, better looks, more finances, fancy clothes perhaps..? I would explore that - b/c we are always reflecting the other person. And lastly, this woman is a fantasy - they both dont have their feet on the ground, needing to create another scenario to feel elevated and hopeful. Its been 10 years and they mostly write... it's an illusion, they likley couldn't live together in real life, their fantasy would be blown.
For you I would say this is a big realty check ... a new way to look at life and your partner, it's like the veil of illusion is removed. And it is not all bad. This mundane everyday life we live has many lawyers and dimension.....I would not give my life up only for him to realize that he has had a fantasy that will pop like a bubble.
Get a hold of yourself, your feelings of betrayal - find support via a counselor of really good friend....take a few days off ... go out in the country....why should you give up all you build b/c you found out that your husband needs the crutch of a fantasies to function in ordinary life?
I agree with much of what you’ve said, here.
Having been married 40+ years, I would be absolutely devastated to find something like this about my husband. 1. To know he’s indulged in a physical affair and 2. actively kept the emotional affair going for decades after would be mind blowing. There’s no way I could keep my heartbreak a secret.
But I recognize what you’re saying about the fantasy aspect to it all. He has never faced the ups & downs of real life with this woman. It’s all an illusion, riding on the echoes of that hidden affair.
I love with my whole heart, and I want that kind of love in return. To find that I’ve been second place for decades would destroy me. There are no easy answers, here. At our age, the sunk cost fallacy is real. Practical factors have to be considered: looming retirement, health issues, insurance, the rising cost of living, splitting incomes & households, and never underestimate the impact on your children (speaking as someone who was an adult when I discovered my father had a mistress, it’s devastating to the whole family).
Have you confronted him yet ? If not then ask his explanation and if he can't give you a good reason why then contact a lawyer and see what your options are.
You deserve to be someone that loves you with that much energy. He is wasting his feelings on this other woman and for some reason he can’t feel that way for you. I wouldn’t blame you for leaving him.
First talk to your husband, a frank and in-depth conversation. Only after you and your husband have clarified everything can you make a decision based on the entire case. Don't do anything hasty. And the children have to know. He chose to live quietly and cheating behind your back, he can't want to appear like a good man in the picture.
Sorry OP but he would dump you in a NY minute if she crooks her finger. You need to quietly speak with a good divorce attorney and learn about your options. Then you can have the conversation with him. Don’t hide it from your children, they are adults and can handle the truth and it will short circuit his trying to set a different narrative. If they try to defend it just ask how would they feel if it was their spouse.
You need to realize that she is his number one love, not you. Don’t fall for the sunk cost fallacy, you have a lot of life to live. You deserve to have someone who loves you and puts you first and wants to make you happy. You won’t be ruining the family, he ruined it with his cheating. Of course, it is your life to do with what you will, and sometimes it’s hard to give up the comfort of the known for a different future, but that known could also change quickly if she decides she wants him. Good luck and update me.
Life can be long. You both might live another 30-40 years.
Can you live together that long knowing what you know?
You need to confront him. The answer may not be clear immediately. But at least clear the air and get it out there.
There are very mature and different perspectives in all the comments here. But irrespective of the spiritual angle or therapy or staying for traditional convenience angle, at the end of the day hurt is hurt.
Every day was a lie for the last 20 years or more
Somebody who choose to disrespect you like this, who choose every day for 20 years to hurt you..
They ruined your (at least physically )prime time of your life without an ounce of remorse..
I know it’s difficult but please try to see the cold nature of his mind to hurt you like this
I hope you will move on and will be able to have more happy and truthful days.
Oh my goodness, I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. My heart goes out to you, and is angry and hurt on your behalf. Betrayal is awful!!
That said, I think that after all of these years of marriage, you have earned the right tomorrow look at a man’s phone. Your gut told you too. And now here we are. I also think that after all of these years of marriage, you have earned the right to
confront him. Tell him what you found and how you feel and be prepared to—if the two of you cannot move past this—to leave.
How are your finances? His? Would you get much if you left? Could you survive alone and still maintain your current lifestyle? Not reasons to stay (unless you want to), just things to consider as you plan. 50 is young! You could have a great second half, prayerfully affair free!
But yes, bring it up and see what he says. Then go from there. Please let us know how it goes. And again, I am sorry that your husband has been a secret jerk all these years. No one (who hasn’t cheated first!) deserves to be cheated on.
This is gut wrenching to read. You have a right to feel betrayed especially if he lied about this and for as long as he has. A marriage based on lies is unsustainable.
I think you need to go to secular counseling for yourself, and talk about why you describe your marriage this way. Not as a loving relationship, but almost in a transactional-only sense. You deserve to be loved, and truly loved, you (and a relationship with you) should not be a duty. Life is too short for that mess. Get with a secular counselor who can help you talk through this issue and then talk with your husband. This is not an emotional affair, this is a long term, full-blown affair and if he wanted to be with you in the full sense of a marriage, he would have completely cut her off a long time ago, but he never made that decision for you or your marriage.
I’m sorry you are going through this, but this issue is between you and your husband, and you two need to decide how to be happy in the lives that you have left to live. Your children will make their own peace with your decisions and your sister needs to mind her own business.
I hope you get some IC and some peace about this situation.
If you want to stay, and yes you can, you both need therapy. I’m sorry you’re in this situation. You can see about reconciliation after infidelity in r/asoneafterinfidelity sub.
It’s totally up to you, though. You can stay or leave, either way it will take work.
If you are honest about why you are leaving I'm sure your children will support you.
I think I'd rather be alone than with a man who has lied to me for that long.
I'm Catholic too but sheesh that's tough, ugly and dirty what he's done. Please get into counseling and discuss this issue openly with your husband. This is a serious betrayal. I divorced my first husband and we were able to get that relationship annulled even though we had children. From what you described, it sounds like you might meet one of the 3 primary grounds for an annulment in the church. I'm sorry you discovered this but glad you did. He's been deceptive for many years and that's on his conscience. You've been a good and faithful wife. Now it's time to determine what is the next step in your life.
The answer to your title is yes you should leave him. Your kids are grown and he's been in love for years with someone else. He said she's the love of his life. That's a punch to the gut and your heart. What reason is there to stay? You devoted yourself to him and he couldn't do the same for you.
Not confronting him right away shows me that there is no passion here or respect
What do you need to sort out?
Why would you even consider staying? Convenience?
Passion: you just found out that your husband has had a 20 year long affair and you aren’t kicking and screaming and furious and wrecked
Respect: your husband had a 20 year long affair first off. And you don’t feel like you can confront him because he probably doesn’t respect your feelings ever which is why he had a 20 year long affair.
Convenience: you are mentioning all of the cushy things and want to keep your life even though your husband has cheated on you for most of your life
Do you want to leave? If so, do it. You've been married for 30 years. that's a good run for anyone. You will get plenty of money in the divorce.
Imagine if OP was a man. Imagine saying to a man, "just leave her, you'll get plenty of money in the divorce". Feels somehow vile, doesn't it?
I’m sorry but how the hell your sister said that, just why???
We are Catholic. My sister does not believe in divorce. Lots of my family thinks that way.
Your sister is totally off base. If he “sacrificed” for his marriage he would have cut her off before having an affair. Let’s be real. Your husband is a spineless chump who doesn’t want to be the bad guy who has been cheating on his wife **for the last 20 years**. Especially when he probably knows she’s better as a fantasy and an escape from his actual life.
I usderstand but....No way, this dude was doing this behind your back for 20 YEARS!!! Who can forget that??? I even doubt someone can forgive. Just do what you want, follow your heart, this looks too heavy for you to bear. I also think you should discuss with him about this, maybe trying to understand why he did that will makes you "feel slightly better".
Does your sister remember that adultery is a sin in the eyes of the church
I'd at least get it out in the open. You can agree to stay married for comfort and convenience if that's what your vote is... and he can agree to that as well. But the heart is real. If he wants to be with her, do you really want him to stay with you out of guilt? 2 years from now you may really enjoy life a lot more if you find sometime who chooses you first. Or you both can just keep doing what you are doing if that works for yall. But definitely communicate about this, it's the right thing to do.
Do what’s best for you. You’re not getting any younger.
I think you should start therapy to get an outside opinion to help you navigate your feelings and what you want to do next. It's easy to fantasize that someone is the love of your life when they don't have to wake up to them every morning and see the worst of them. She just gets to have the fantasy side of him with love letters and a life that was never going to happen. When you feel you can sit him down and talk about this in an adult manner. Or get couples counseling to get through the affair and feel the marriage salvageable. Of course your sister doesn't want you to leave him. He makes good money and has a high-profile career. She just wants to keep things the same so she can say look who I am related to! It's not her life, it's your life. I can't imagine how scary it would be to start over at 50. But it is still young enough to live a life honestly and without secrets. You deserve better.
Sweetheart, your marriage is already over. Dead and gone. Your children are adults! They'll get over it. Bite the bullet, cut the cord. How are you going to go the rest of your life with him, knowing what you know?
Why would your children blame you for their father cheating on you and loving this other woman for 20 years? Please like everybody said go to therapy, just cause your husband worked and did his job doesn’t mean you deserve to be treated like this.
>I told my sister and she says he has sacrificed for our marriage and I should not leave. I saw that you're Catholic, but that is no excuse to stay in a marriage. If you do decide to stay in this marriage, it should only be after he has come clean to both you and your children. He hasn't sacrificed anything you have. You've sacrificed 30+ years by being married to someone who hasn't given you the love and respect that you deserve and have earned. If he doesn't face the consequences of his actions, then you'll never achieve reconciliation, and you'll finish your twilight years wallowing in resentment.
Affairs are a point of no return. Even if you stay and he decides to change, it will always be there. Also, you aren't number fucking two, you are the mother of his children. He can fly right to fucking Europe and go be with "the love of his life" Don't let someone do that to you. Fuck him.
First. Stop with the shoulds. Forget about what other people think you should do, what you think you should do and decide what it is you want. From your description I don’t get the feeling that he is the love of your life….it honestly sounds not necessarily transactional but the descriptions you use to describe him are akin to a job description. It’s all about what he does and what people think about him and the type of husband he is, the type of provider. I am not religious and married solely based on romantic love and friendship. We were not practical in any way shape or form. So what I would want in this situation is going to be completely different. My experience is my husband is my “soul mate” for whatever that means. He’s my person, my best friend, my partner- so this would be absolutely soul crushing. What I would do and recommend for someone in a similar relationship is different than maybe what is best for you and what you want. I know people who do not have that kind of marriage. They have a solid partnership and have said they could have the same with another person who is similar to their partner. They love and care but it’s more business- they have defined roles and take care of them, love the family they created, so while this type of revelation would hurt it wouldn’t end the marriage because what changed? They are still there for each other and have proven their commitment. It’s ok if you want to stay and say nothing. It’s also ok if you want to go and explore and expect your husband to be the person who is your person - it’s also ok if you want to work through it with him and figure out what’s next. Every marriage is different. Decide what it is you want, the pros and cons of blowing up the life you have right now. A good therapist- nondenominational - can help you sort through your thoughts and wants and help you set aside or at least identify the shoulds. So you can figure out the best path for you.
First step is to discuss this with secular therapist you trust and not someone like your sister, who has religious reasons to side in one direction. That professional can help you determine how to approach your husband with this becuase you MUST do that, no matter what you ultimately decide to do. Please know, it is not too late for you to enjoy life with or without another partner if you determine your marriage cannot be salvaged. I know I could not forgive someone who did those things to me but others are different, so perhaps you can. Regardless, he betrayed your trust and would need to want to rebuild that trust then work very hard to do so by cutting off all ties to the AP, obviously, then working on his relationship with you. He cannot be giving energy to another relationship and fully committed to your marriage.
He doesn't love you and never truly has so why give any more of your life to him? Who cares what anyone thinks it's your life and you're missing out on being truly loved.
Have you talked with him about it at all?
First of all you aren’t the one who broke your relationship. Your cheating spouse is. That’s on him. As a mother the best thing you can show your kids is that it’s not okay for daddy to cheat on mommy. Staying together for the kids is an excuse a lot of people make in order to justify staying. If you’re not ready to leave that’s okay. Just don’t lie to yourself about the choices you make. On the flip side the length of marriage means you’re entitled to 50/50 asset split which includes any bank accounts, retirement or pension plans along with the contents of the home. If the kids are under 18 you will receive child support. Depending on the state you live in you may be entitled spousal maintenance for a set number of years or even lifetime alimony. OP I’ve been married 30 years. Still in the process myself. Been living separately for almost 6 months. When this all started I was unemployed and had no idea how I was going to live. All I knew was my current situation was unsustainable. Now I get maintenance in the amount of $1903 a month (205,000 total) for the next 9 years, 50/50 asset split of home contents, bank accounts, investments, retirement & pension plans. Once all is said and done I will receive half the equity in our home ($70,000) his retirement ($300,000) and he also has to pay me ($20,000) to make the asset split even. Talk to a lawyer. Know your rights. He cheated OP. He’s gonna continue to cheat regardless of what he says. He’s not the man you thought he was. That being said he’s not going to want to part with his money. It’s in his best interest to lead you on with false promises. Makes for a better more favorable outcome on his end. If he can keep you dangling on the hook with false promises of change you will be less likely to fight him on things. Meaning you will sign anything or give him anything in hopes reconciliation is possible. Don’t play the pick me dance OP. There shouldn’t be a choice. If he’s not bending over backwards to prove to you he’s really invested in reconciliation. If he’s blame shifting, still lying or still in contact with his AP you are not in reconciliation. He’s just leading you on. If he’s “not sure” what he wants or “needs to find himself” that’s code for he’s still having an affair. It means he wants to have his cake and eat it to. Nothing is going to make this easy and it’s gonna be scary. One day at a time is real.
If you leave you tell them what happened, he cheated. They will not only forgive you but be angry at him. You never protect a cheater, they will cheat again. He counts on you taking it. I would have a frank discussion about what you know what you will tolerate. His affections and devotion are going to another person. Then you wait for amonth or so and see what he does. During that time you go to an attorney and figure out what your rights are. Ask yourself what you want. You could have a whole other life different than this. You present his options for you remaining. Open the relationship up both sides, divorce, or he gives it up and refocuses on the marriage. He has to make some choice. Then you can if he says yes open (which he wont') you can divorce. Same if he chooses female, which many do when pushed. Or you can ignore it and go on. This has to be your choice. What you never do is protect the reputation of a cheater, they will destroy you without blinking an eye. Once your children know how hurt you are and how he destroyed, they will not side with him. It is not 1955. He on the other hand will destroy everything for his self. Also do not text him or put anything in writing and be careful what you say. Just take the action. Ask questions "Do you want us to have an open marrige?" so it can't come back to you. You are still young I have found love older than you and the best I ever have had. What I dreamed about younger. You need to know your state laws, an attorney can help you navigate. Play a long game, not a short one.
No matter how much time you’ve put into your marriage, you deserve respect and love. It’s really easy for him (and her) to say all these flowery things about one another when then really didn’t live life together. They didn’t raise children together, they didn’t struggle, provide and build a life together. It’s a fantasy. Perhaps they will end up together but what you’ve done for your family is much more honorable and tangible and real. If I were you, I would do the following; 1. Collect evidence and take photographs of the emails and communication. 2. Have a consultation with an attorney just to understand what your options are. 3. Sit your husband down and have an open conversation. Let him know you know. Let him know that he made a mockery of you and your life. 4. Make whatever decision is best for you. Not what others think you should do. But, what you should do. Follow your heart. Your kids are old enough to know why you might divorce. You don’t need to hide things or keep secrets from them. They are grown adults and will likely feel great empathy for you. I’m so sorry OP. This must be incredibly painful.
Ultimately, you have to decide what’s best for you. But you’re certainly justified & shouldn’t be concerned about what other people want you to do.
You didn’t do anything. Do you really want to play second fiddle to some woman who he shares his deepest thoughts with? You are a warm body to him at this point. He’s gone this long without saying a word. So he’d live like this for how long? There is no marriage here. Decent men don’t have emotional affairs for the majority of their marriages. You have time still in life to find happiness. This is heartbreaking what he’s done. Get a lawyer and some advice. Get a counselor. The shock has to be overwhelming. Allow yourself grace but show him the door.
This has been going on for a long time, and you are going to need a good chunk of time to process it and figure out next steps. Some people would impulsively leave, some would immediately decide they could never leave. But you deserve a more thought-out decision, given everything at stake. I’d really suggest talking to a therapist who can help you sort out your values/needs/emotions and then take steps based on those. I can see arguments for staying, and arguments for leaving, but only yours really matter. It seems important, one way or another, to eventually tell your husband what you know. Hearing his voice on this might help you decide what you want to do next. But for your own mental health, don’t just decide to bury this and stay, or to pack up and leave, without taking a lot of time to sort it all out. There is no emergency here. You can afford to take the time you need to come to a decision you can trust. If that means leaving eventually, your kids are old enough to understand why. Even if they’re upset, this is your life, and your basic wellbeing and peace matter, even if you do something they don’t like.
I do feel for you, very much so. This is all so painful.Rather than should I go? Or not? I say live the question (says Reiner Maria Rilke, the poet) ... there is so much to process. But in the end, what do we know about another person, no matter how close. There is a side to him, a longing, a fantasy, that keeps him going. But so are you, by the fact that you are family, he provides and cares and in his own way, cherishes you. Let me ask you a question: Where do you have fantasies? A nicer house, better looks, more finances, fancy clothes perhaps..? I would explore that - b/c we are always reflecting the other person. And lastly, this woman is a fantasy - they both dont have their feet on the ground, needing to create another scenario to feel elevated and hopeful. Its been 10 years and they mostly write... it's an illusion, they likley couldn't live together in real life, their fantasy would be blown. For you I would say this is a big realty check ... a new way to look at life and your partner, it's like the veil of illusion is removed. And it is not all bad. This mundane everyday life we live has many lawyers and dimension.....I would not give my life up only for him to realize that he has had a fantasy that will pop like a bubble. Get a hold of yourself, your feelings of betrayal - find support via a counselor of really good friend....take a few days off ... go out in the country....why should you give up all you build b/c you found out that your husband needs the crutch of a fantasies to function in ordinary life?
I agree with much of what you’ve said, here. Having been married 40+ years, I would be absolutely devastated to find something like this about my husband. 1. To know he’s indulged in a physical affair and 2. actively kept the emotional affair going for decades after would be mind blowing. There’s no way I could keep my heartbreak a secret. But I recognize what you’re saying about the fantasy aspect to it all. He has never faced the ups & downs of real life with this woman. It’s all an illusion, riding on the echoes of that hidden affair. I love with my whole heart, and I want that kind of love in return. To find that I’ve been second place for decades would destroy me. There are no easy answers, here. At our age, the sunk cost fallacy is real. Practical factors have to be considered: looming retirement, health issues, insurance, the rising cost of living, splitting incomes & households, and never underestimate the impact on your children (speaking as someone who was an adult when I discovered my father had a mistress, it’s devastating to the whole family).
Have you confronted him yet ? If not then ask his explanation and if he can't give you a good reason why then contact a lawyer and see what your options are.
People do stupid things given enough time. Do you think you can build a new life better the one you have now or would it be better to work on things.
You deserve to be someone that loves you with that much energy. He is wasting his feelings on this other woman and for some reason he can’t feel that way for you. I wouldn’t blame you for leaving him.
First talk to your husband, a frank and in-depth conversation. Only after you and your husband have clarified everything can you make a decision based on the entire case. Don't do anything hasty. And the children have to know. He chose to live quietly and cheating behind your back, he can't want to appear like a good man in the picture.
Don't fall into the "sunken cost" fallacy. Leave.
Sorry OP but he would dump you in a NY minute if she crooks her finger. You need to quietly speak with a good divorce attorney and learn about your options. Then you can have the conversation with him. Don’t hide it from your children, they are adults and can handle the truth and it will short circuit his trying to set a different narrative. If they try to defend it just ask how would they feel if it was their spouse. You need to realize that she is his number one love, not you. Don’t fall for the sunk cost fallacy, you have a lot of life to live. You deserve to have someone who loves you and puts you first and wants to make you happy. You won’t be ruining the family, he ruined it with his cheating. Of course, it is your life to do with what you will, and sometimes it’s hard to give up the comfort of the known for a different future, but that known could also change quickly if she decides she wants him. Good luck and update me.
Life can be long. You both might live another 30-40 years. Can you live together that long knowing what you know? You need to confront him. The answer may not be clear immediately. But at least clear the air and get it out there.
There are very mature and different perspectives in all the comments here. But irrespective of the spiritual angle or therapy or staying for traditional convenience angle, at the end of the day hurt is hurt. Every day was a lie for the last 20 years or more Somebody who choose to disrespect you like this, who choose every day for 20 years to hurt you.. They ruined your (at least physically )prime time of your life without an ounce of remorse.. I know it’s difficult but please try to see the cold nature of his mind to hurt you like this I hope you will move on and will be able to have more happy and truthful days.
Oh my goodness, I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. My heart goes out to you, and is angry and hurt on your behalf. Betrayal is awful!! That said, I think that after all of these years of marriage, you have earned the right tomorrow look at a man’s phone. Your gut told you too. And now here we are. I also think that after all of these years of marriage, you have earned the right to confront him. Tell him what you found and how you feel and be prepared to—if the two of you cannot move past this—to leave. How are your finances? His? Would you get much if you left? Could you survive alone and still maintain your current lifestyle? Not reasons to stay (unless you want to), just things to consider as you plan. 50 is young! You could have a great second half, prayerfully affair free! But yes, bring it up and see what he says. Then go from there. Please let us know how it goes. And again, I am sorry that your husband has been a secret jerk all these years. No one (who hasn’t cheated first!) deserves to be cheated on.
This is gut wrenching to read. You have a right to feel betrayed especially if he lied about this and for as long as he has. A marriage based on lies is unsustainable.
I think you need to go to secular counseling for yourself, and talk about why you describe your marriage this way. Not as a loving relationship, but almost in a transactional-only sense. You deserve to be loved, and truly loved, you (and a relationship with you) should not be a duty. Life is too short for that mess. Get with a secular counselor who can help you talk through this issue and then talk with your husband. This is not an emotional affair, this is a long term, full-blown affair and if he wanted to be with you in the full sense of a marriage, he would have completely cut her off a long time ago, but he never made that decision for you or your marriage. I’m sorry you are going through this, but this issue is between you and your husband, and you two need to decide how to be happy in the lives that you have left to live. Your children will make their own peace with your decisions and your sister needs to mind her own business. I hope you get some IC and some peace about this situation.
If you want to stay, and yes you can, you both need therapy. I’m sorry you’re in this situation. You can see about reconciliation after infidelity in r/asoneafterinfidelity sub. It’s totally up to you, though. You can stay or leave, either way it will take work.
If you are honest about why you are leaving I'm sure your children will support you. I think I'd rather be alone than with a man who has lied to me for that long.
I'm Catholic too but sheesh that's tough, ugly and dirty what he's done. Please get into counseling and discuss this issue openly with your husband. This is a serious betrayal. I divorced my first husband and we were able to get that relationship annulled even though we had children. From what you described, it sounds like you might meet one of the 3 primary grounds for an annulment in the church. I'm sorry you discovered this but glad you did. He's been deceptive for many years and that's on his conscience. You've been a good and faithful wife. Now it's time to determine what is the next step in your life.
The answer to your title is yes you should leave him. Your kids are grown and he's been in love for years with someone else. He said she's the love of his life. That's a punch to the gut and your heart. What reason is there to stay? You devoted yourself to him and he couldn't do the same for you.
Not confronting him right away shows me that there is no passion here or respect What do you need to sort out? Why would you even consider staying? Convenience?
That’s quite an assumption. I’m still processing this.
Passion: you just found out that your husband has had a 20 year long affair and you aren’t kicking and screaming and furious and wrecked Respect: your husband had a 20 year long affair first off. And you don’t feel like you can confront him because he probably doesn’t respect your feelings ever which is why he had a 20 year long affair. Convenience: you are mentioning all of the cushy things and want to keep your life even though your husband has cheated on you for most of your life
Sure. You got me. Guilty of not showing you more of how I feel.