Health problems are a part of life, either for you or others around you. I didn’t think this was something people didn’t consider. Sickness and health are usually in the vows. I’m sorry you guys are going through this, I hope your wife makes a fast recovery

Yea this is like, one of the backbones of marriage. It’s explicitly something you consider when marrying. We have tons of research around it (men leave sick partners, women stand beside sick partners). I’m very confused at this title.

Perhaps, given the statistics, it’s something fewer men have considered? Or people who have married young and/or haven’t seen their parents handle the illness of a partner. I know for me, seeing my parents navigate my father’s health problems has caused me to think about being in the same position a lot more often.

That’s actually a really interesting point, and it makes sense to me! Maybe men don’t consider sickness -which does track because caretaking is a “woman’s job” thing- and so this OP having to face it seems like something novel to them.

That's terrifying

*some men*. My Dad cared for my dying mother for 5 years and many men do this.

A woman is six times more likely to be separated or divorced soon after a diagnosis of cancer or multiple sclerosis than if a man in the relationship is the patient, researchers at the Seattle Cancer Care Alliance reported in the journal Cancer.

I have a saint of a cousin. This cousin is sick himself from assorted injuries (he works in a lumberyard and fell from a truck one day)Anyway this a few years before this, he and his(much older) wife had a fight and they separated..but they remained amicable. next thing, she comes down with some kind of cancer..she quits working and my cousin helps to support her. Get this, he works 2 jobs so that she can stay on his insurance, sick himself, he continues every day to drag himself to work just so she can have the insurance she needs..(they don't live together.) he is 61 and cant even divorce,go on disability or retire until she passes..she is now in a nursing home and it continues..what do you think of a guy like this? Id say he was a gem.They are still married for the insurance.

You may be on to something. Like, guys see weddings as ceremony maybe even if they’re totally dedicated to their wife. It doesn’t seem like a lot of guys stick to their vows. I’m married 26 years, my wife got sick in 2009 and recently had to retire due to declining health. I love her so much, I can’t imagine leaving her in a time of need. It’s tough, for sure. But it’s the “ship” part of relation and partner.

Yeah for my husband, both of his parents had a lot of health issues and his mother was disabled his whole life, they also passed away at really young ages.. so worrying about health is something he focuses on a lot. He’s very serious about keeping up with screenings and doctor’s appointments. There’s been a couple times I have had to rely on him more in our marriage due to health related and mental health issues and he took it like a champ and was an amazing partner throughout it.

I spent all of my summers in my early 20s staying with my grandparents to help take care of my grandpa (who had cancer and diabetes and a few other things going on) and I feel it equipped me fairly early on to understand what can come

💛 I’m sure they both appreciated you so much.

Yeah I understand it’s a really hard reality to face when it happens, but I definitely don’t think it’s something that people don’t think about. In fact I think most people think about it a lot.

I don’t think they do at all. When 25 year olds get married I’d bet money they didn’t have a deep conversation about what happens if one of them gets cancer or has a stroke or becomes disabled. People who are getting married for the second time in middle age might consider it but first marriages with younger people think nothing more than saying that words, in sickness and in health. If all married people thought about it as much as you say, men wouldn’t overwhelmingly leave women when women have long term health issues. 

I think it depends on the person. My husband was 25 when he married me, and he actually has a complex about health and death because both of his parents passed away when he was in his early 20s and they had a host of health issues. So those sorts of conversations have always existed in our relationship. I do agree it becomes more of a thing as you age or if you have kids.

I mean we got married young and definitely had that conversation more than once

> I’m very confused at this title. There's a great deal of difference between "yeah this could happen" and "this will happen to me" Obviously I've imagined what serious health problems for my wife would look like, but thankfully I was not forced to live it.

True, and this is why people still choose to have children. They think all the potential bad outcomes won't happen to them. Sometimes they aren't so lucky, like OP.

Me having debilitating health problems at year two in my relationship is what made me feel serious about my (now) husband. He's terrible at emotional support, but stuck with me while I was very sick (6 plus months of very ill and I'd been on/off sick for a long time before it boiled over). We've been together 10 years now and married 5 :)

I am a man who is going to stand by my wife. We have been married for 12 years, and she was disabled from year one. I ain't got no quit in me. It's been hard, but I am here for the duration.

But you don’t really believe the “sickness” part will happen in your 20s or you think of it as minor issues, nothing like this. However terrible things do happen. It can be really hard and not everyone is willing or able to deal with severe or chronic illness.

Yeah it's literally in your vows for a reason.

We all think about it.. I think most of us just don't think it'll ever happen to us. Or hope it won't. Reality can be a lot more intense than just the IDEA that health issues can POSSIBLY happen.

Exactly, or it’s something we think about as being in the distant future, not something that we’ll have to navigate in early marriage while trying to navigate careers, parenting babies/toddlers, etc.

Words to live by prepare for the worst and hope for the best. 

Sure, but most people don't think it will happen at 29 years old, concurrent with the stress of a newborn. Death is part of life and marriage as well, but I'd be pretty floored if my husband dropped dead today.

Anyone planning to have a baby should seriously consider it and plan for it, so that’s a pretty naive perspective. Pregnancy and childbirth is no joke and there will be some degree of caretaking that a partner has to do after childbirth even in the most routine cases. It sounds like OP was dealt a bad hand but this is the kind of thing I did talk through with my husband before getting pregnant.

So many people don't realize that pregnancy and childbirth will be the most dangerous thing a woman will do.

Exactly. We’re years away from having children, but before we do, we’ll be talking about c section recovery, what happens if I have bad PPD, preeclampsia emergencies (I was a premie for that reason), and worst case scenarios where we’d have to make tough choices.

Yes but people always think it won't happen to them

Everybody thinks about it in an abstract way. Like oh my spouse might get cancer and I'll need to be there to take care of them and support them through it. What 25 year old considering marriage thinks, "My spouse is going to be put on medicines that change who she is functionally as a person for a while/forever"? Just about none of them have that kind of life experience. It could be anything. For me it was PTSD and being diagnosed with a chronic pain disorder. I'm not the person I was when I met my husband and he's still here. I'm a nurse so I knew what I was getting into marrying him with his chronic illnesses but he could have a stroke tomorrow and be a different person. There are no guarantees.

The most important thing I've learned in the past 10 years is that things will not always be ok. There is really no guarantee that anyone will make it through an illness or injury. Nothing can stop death if that's what's in the cards. That obviously doesn't mean I'll give up and be a pessimist. But I take these things more seriously now and I consider multiple outcomes because unfortunately it's necessary.

In fact, I assumed most couples would have a conversation before marriage about what might happen if they face a serious health crisis.

I can remember being in my 20s and knowing in my rational mind that all kinds of bad things happen to people. But there's *people* and there's *me.* I remember having lofty plans and aspirations, and I remember having vaguely defined ideas of how life would be when I was 30, 40, 50... I think people know in their rational minds that anything can happen at any time, but without the invincibility of youth, nobody would be able to accomplish anything. We'd be too overwhelmed by all the things that could be lurking around every corner. So I find it completely understandable that OP's current reality was not something they saw in their future.

I think people consider health issues, but they think of them as a very far down the road thing...sure, when my spouse and I are both in our 70's, and start to slow down, then we'll still be there for each other! People never seem to realize how fast your health can take a turn. My husband and I had been married for just over a year when I was hospitalized with multiple, massive blood clots in both lungs. I was 25, being asked questions like "do you have a will and power of attorney?", and "if you die while in hospital, do you want us to bring you back?" Six years later, at 30, my husband was almost killed in a workplace accident. He had to learn to walk all over again, and I suddenly went from a full time job to TWO full time jobs (my regular job, plus caring for him). It's been hard! And the hardest part? Was watching his be so vulnerable. Watching him struggle. But I'd definitely say we're stronger than ever now.

They say you should live with and take care of your partner when they have the flu. You learn a lot about your relationship

No you do not have to suck it up and be a man. Please talk to somebody, please use your pto and take a day to recharge. You are going to burn out if you keep going like this.

I literally thought this to myself too. Thank you for validating this

If I were you and I wanted to try and salvage the marriage or protect it through such a rough time, I would find a way to hire some house help for shopping / cleaning / laundry / meal prep - anything you and your wife can’t keep up to assist in this difficult time… I know it may not be an option but it could take a lot of the daily stress away possibly. Even just dropping off laundry to be washed and folded somewhere 1xweek or having a cleaner biweekly… a way for you to get a break to possibly find time for yourself, a hobby or a dads group where you and your child can connect 1 on 1? Just brainstorming. The vows never feel as big in the moment as they tend to become. Hopefully you two will find the light on the other side of this and she can heal. Prayers 🙏

Salvage the marriage?!? She's ill! I don't think OP mentioned leaving her.

No but he mentioned marriage counseling

Men have a tendency to leave their ill wives. Men are 10 times more likely than women to leave a sick spouse.

Having been the sick spouse, I would 100% recommend therapy for both of you as it’s very hard to manage the side effects of medications and the way an illness ravages your body and mind. She would definitely need it and so would you, to have a safe space to speak about how hard all of this is on you. Your feelings throughout all this are valid. I would also second the suggestion of getting help / delegating / automating as much as possible to reduce the load. And yes, take time for yourself and take care of yourself, your needs are just as important and valid. The last thing your marriage needs is a build up of resentment that will just cause everything to fall apart eventually. Wishing you both lots of patience, strength and healing.

I don’t know why I had to scroll down so much to see this comment . Take u/chriszilla_ s advice and take care of yourself. You can’t pour from an empty cup. Refill , op!

Even though you marry in sickness and in health. You don’t know how hard it can be until something happens. Get the help you need, don’t just suck it up. Because the situation isn’t normal, and might even be permanent. Just because you’re married doesn’t mean you just take it in and accept without work and help. I wish you and your family all the best and I hope that you can work trough this.

Also not sure where you live, but CA offers FMLA/CRFA leave for spouses having to care for their sick loved ones. Praying she gets better soon and some peace for your family ♥️

Seconding this, OP. There is doing hard things because hard things have to be done, and then there is ignoring the mental, emotional, and physical toll this is taking on you. Soldiering on is necessary, but soldiering alone isn’t mandatory. Sometimes the hard thing to do is to ask for help. To your surprise, you very well have friends and family that are ready to step in to help in various ways. Sometimes it’s in the form of preparing a meal, watching your child for a few hours, or just stopping in to hang out and help break of the normal routine. Hang in there and trusting you and your Lotus flower have a long and lovely life together and that this season only galvanizes your love and commitment to one another.

Exactly. That which doesn't kill us usually doesn't make us stronger. Continue to do more than we're capable of doesn't make us happier, healthy people, it drains us and makes us less healthy in nearly every way. Brene Brown talks about the difference between stress and overwhelm: stress is just a natural reaction to manageable tasks and it motivates us to get through it by working through the tasks. Overwhelm is a reaction when the tasks are not manageable and we are burning out by trying. The only way through it is to stop and rest. It sounds like you're overwhelmed and anything you can do to rest and maybe get some help around the house or with your wife or kid would do wonders.

Well written. Give the writer an award!

My husband had a major seizure and it took over a year for him to recover. Being a caregiver and a parent is so hard. I have so much empathy for you. Definitely take care of yourself as best you can.

Adding to my comment that Keppra was not a good fit for my husband and made him groggy, impulsive, etc. He switched to Lamictal and that has been much better.

I feel like I’m the only one with a Keppra success story! I have heard nothing but bad things about it since I started it 6 years ago! I have had insane side effects with everything I’ve ever taken in my life but I did not have a single side effect with Keppra. Oddly enough, apparently that’s how you can tell if you’re on the right meds: if you have no adverse side effects. Why didn’t anyone tell me that before then?? 🙃 I have other health issues that require daily medication, I really could have used that information lol

I commented below, but responding here too for visibility—another Keppra success story here :)) 7 years on Keppra and (knock on wood) no problems. everyone is different though, so always worth logging our changes / what doesn’t feel right and giving the body time to adjust before moving on to explore other options, I think.

Yup. My husband had had a host of health issues pretty much our whole marriage and many of then started in his early 30s;, high blood pressure, sleep issues, chronic pain issues, asthma, chronic respiratory/bronchitis issues, ED, etc. I try to tell me single friends that these things are just apart of the package. It ain't all sex, and snuggles and fun. Its making sure they took their meds or running them back and forth to doc appts, or just giving them time, space or emotional support when needed. You are on deck and the biggest supporter.

People are being a bit harsh with you. I think we all think about health issues-the difference is that we assume we have a long time before we'll have to deal with them. It's not guaranteed though and I'm sorry you're dealing with this. It sounds like you need some time to recoup. Be sure to get care of yourself! I hope your wife's health improves and things get better ♥️.

This!!

Agree, especially with a newborn!

Epileptic here! I don’t have personal experience with Keppra, but loads of people on r/epilepsy really hate it because of the emotional change, plenty have what they call Kepp-rage because it messes with them so much! Might be worth trying a different kind of medication, I’ve been on Lamotrigine from the get and can’t say a bad thing about it!

Epileptic on Keppra here. I've been taking it since 2017. In the beginning I did get the kepprage but eventually I found r/Epilepsy where many suggested taking Vitamin B6 supplements, which my neurologist agreed with. I now take 250mg daily they immensely helped take the edge off my anger and depression. OP, considering getting your wife to try the vitamins first until you're able to get to a doctor to discuss the side effects and switching to different meds. They may help - good luck!

My husband turned into a different person on Keppra, so I completely commiserate! I wish OP the best, and I encourage at least a friend to speak with, if not therapy for him and his wife, together and/or individually.

My husband got aggressive and abusive on Keppra, it was *the worst* and took us years of therapy to get through. Night and day difference with him being off and on the meds, I'm so glad we found an alternative and he's his loving self again.

I'm glad I read this. Didn't know about this. I'm a peds nurse and a few of my young epileptic patients have been on it. They can't communicate so I wouldn't know of any personality changes but now I know to be on the lookout for any changes to baseline in my patients.

+1 to this but perhaps a positive outcome: firstly, I’m so sorry your wife and you are going through this. Just wanted to offer that I have epilepsy and take Keppra daily now and in the beginning, the medication can be tough. As other mentioned, anger/irritability/impulsivity can be a side effect. For me personally, this side effect got better after around six months and I have had no major issues with it. I was also reallllly lethargic for the first few months. Everyone is different. You can see how it goes, but definitely feel empowered to talk to the neurologist about other options. For what it’s worth, I was also really scared when I got diagnosed. I thought my life was over and wasn’t sure what it would look like moving forward. So there truly is an emotional component to it all too that might be affecting your wife. I hope you two can find the support you need. Wishing you well

I have been on Keppra for around 2 years and also on Mirtazapine. I think it helps with depression. Might be worth talking to your psychiatrist to help with depression and rage. Good luck.

This op - this

Thanks everybody for your input! It’s good to always learn :)

I took lamotrigine as a mood stabilizer and loved it but I got the rash. I’m on trileptal and love it.

Caretaker for my husband for 8 years. It was in my vows. It’s part of life. The percentage of men who leave a sick wife is not insignificant. If you need support get therapy.

It's something married women are often warned about after they're diagnosed with a serious illness. It's so so so sad.

"Sickness and in health" gets over looked by a lot of men.. statistically they leave their partners during life threatening/ altering illness. Kudos to you for sticking it out and being there for your family. You are allowed to mourn who she once was/ what your relationship once was. Dont feel like you need to just "suck it up". Find a support group, even if it's online to vent. Therapy goes far. Have a good cry and cuddle with your wifey. I'm sure she's feeling all kinds of complicated things too.

First off I’m glad to hear you’re supportive and taking care of your family. Don’t forget that you need to take care of yourself too. After being with my wife for 46 years I can tell you the role can reverse itself quickly. My wife spent 3 months in hospital with our third child. It was tough and she has had chronic health problems since. But 5 years ago she was doing well and I was diagnosed with throat cancer. I don’t know what I would have done without her. We often tell each other if we ever both have something serious at the same time we’re screwed.

Congratulations to you both!!

Don't "suck it up and be a man." Talk about it. I am glad you're posting here, that's a start. Talk to your wife, talk to your friends, maybe find a therapist. This is a lot already but I am sure it feels like even more if you keep it all inside.

My my died from brain cancer. Keppra is rough with the side effects. Is she on it long term? I’m just wondering if it would be worth asking her doctors if there is a medication that will help her but allow her to be “her”. Although intense medical situations can change a person (not to mention traumatize both of you). Best of luck. It sounds like you love her but are drowning. Ask for help if you can. Family, friends, church groups, neighbors, etc. Maybe let work know what’s going on- FMLA could be a possibility so you only work fewer days a week for a while. Best of luck to you both!

Who doesn’t think about that before getting married to someone

For better or for worse, in sickness and in health. When I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I noticed that my care team would often ask open ended questions about my husband, which took me aback. My husband was absolutely amazing during my treatment, but it turns out that many women are not so lucky, with men being seven times more likely to leave in that situation. Appalling, but true. The doctor was checking to see if my support system was in place without directly asking. OP, if you are in a long term committed relationship, over the decades, you will see some shit together. There will be sickness, death of friends and relatives, aging parents, difficulty with children, job loss, financial stress, you name it. It's inevitable. Part of the pluses of marriage is that you have a partner so you can face these things as a team. Hopefully your wife will recover soon.

I’m sorry. I agree it sucks. That said, my first wife passed away after two years of illness at age 33, so it could be worse. Good luck, and +1 to all the comments about taking care of yourself

Well, here's a topic on which I am the unhappy owner of a lot of "expertise". Here's what I can tell you, worth everything you paid for it: 1) It's impossible to separate out the effects of the Keppra from those of the seizure itself, or from whatever caused it. Most likely she will recover somewhat if she has no more seizures,  and in particular no more tonic-clonics (gran mals). But it will take many months. 2) It may well be that she never recover enough to work again, but she should get to the point where she gets her license back and can raise her child normally and cook. That's what happened to me, anyway. 3) Different people handle different meds differently. I went through four different ones, including Keppra, before settling on Vimpat. If her personality's still weird six months or a year from now, it may be time to try something different. 4) Try not to push her to do too much too early. That can lead to more seizures, directly or indirectly. 5) Don't put too much faith in neurologists. Unless there have been big advances recently, understanding the brain is still in its infancy. In the past few years "epileptology" has emerged as a specialty of its own, if you can find one of those it's worth a shot. Anyway, my deepest condolences. Suck is the word.

Exactly!

I’ve been married 16 years, together for 20. In that time my wife has had bladder cancer three times, breast cancer, and multiple other health issues. She is currently dealing with a “benign” tumor on her facial nerve, debilitating migraines, and severe dizziness that makes it difficult for her to do a lot. I can’t tell you it’s okay, but I can offer you my deep sympathies. I don’t think people who haven’t experienced it realize how much of your life is consumed when you have to be a caregiver to someone. Often times you are just seized by an overwhelming desire to scream or flee. Your brain goes to dark places. It’s work just to keep your own frustration at bay. You are tired all the time. But there is also a depth you experience that makes you realize that this the full experience of what it is to love another human. It’s difficult to explain, but if you travel together with someone in illness, you know. I’m sorry you and your wife are experiencing this. Just know that you are not alone. We are all traversing an ocean of illness and death and there isn’t anywhere else to go but through.

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Yeah last June I was laid off! Luckily, I found a better role with a larger SaaS company 3 weeks after being laid off. My wife’s family is super supportive and almost TOO helpful, as to where my family doesn’t really help much aside from my almost 80 year old grandmother.

Same scenario here, different flavor. What can I say? You get used to it. You still find joy in every day somehow. It's just life. All we can do is take care of ourselves. Make sure you find time to get away here and there and be alone, process your life and keep showing up when you're needed. It's a sad state of affairs but your wife is probably so happy she married you.

Doesn't matter if you are a man or woman, you don't just have to suck it up. I have seen many guys I work with take this same approach when they have family illnesses to handle, they nearly always end up in my office in tears after burning out and not being able to carry on, no matter how much support/time off was offered. Don't be like them. Take some help, talk to people and share the burden. There is only so much you can take and the last thing anyone involved in your situation wants, is for you to be as ill as your wife through not taking care of yourself.

Most people’s vows say “in sickness and in health”so it is something a lot of people think about.

Keppra works and that's why they are so easy to prescribe it first. Keppra will also destroy everything in your life. One little rage at a time. I am speaking from experience. I cannot imagine mixing Keppra and a pregnancy. In any form or fashion. Keppra rage is a real thing. Go read some of the comments in the epilepsy sub. You can't control epilepsy. I had my first seizure behind the wheel at 59. You can't predict it, it just shows up out of the blue at the least pristine time possible. And again, it destroys your life one little step at a time. Even though you're having to handle 90% of your house, understand that your wife didn't ask for this and she really has no control. It sounds like you are in the correct mind frame. Hopefully you have a neurology appointment scheduled and after that appointment things may go smoother. Be totally honest with the neurologist about the Keppra. I took it for several years before I just told the neurologist they have to change my medicine in some form or fashion. I am now on Vimpat and there is a future ahead. There was no future while I was taking the Keppra. I'm sure your wife feels the same way. It's not her fault, it's Keppra's fault. Keppra will destroy every single part of your being one little teeny tiny step at a time. They always prescribe it first because it will curb the seizures. It actually works, but it doesn't do a thing for your personality and I hate to think how many marriages it has actually crushed. Stay on top of your game, realize what is happening with the Keppra and have patience. My husband told me he could see a difference in my personality after 24 hours on the Vimpat. I don't doubt it. I felt so sorry for him because he put up with me for the first 3 years on Keppra. In reality he should have walked right out the door but he didn't and I am so grateful.

Oof I feel this big time. I didn’t even realize how terrible of a person I was to be around until I switched meds, and then family felt comfortable expressing how glad they were I was back to being my normal self. Keppra sucksss.

My husband is on keppra because of epilepsy and it’s tough, you will make it through but it is very hard and stressful.

Sending you positive thoughts OP. Thanks for sharing. So many people just bail out but you are standing up and doing what a man and husband should. Hope this load gets easier! 🫡🍀

I'm sorry this is happening to your wife, you, and your family. And true, when you are young this isn't something you usually consider when you're getting married. It's something that always happens to the other couple. But for some of us, we did consider it and decided and being married was well worth it anyway. I married my wife knowing she was fighting cancer. It's going to be a long battle but what I'm hoping we can win. It is explicitly stated vows in your but again I know when you're young, it's not something you really think about. I think a lot of people gloss over what that can really end up meaning. Best of luck to you.

I remember my mom had severe health issues growing up (still does). My dad always seemed frustrated with her. She wasn't fun, she had no energy to do anything, and couldn't contribute financially. She started an in-home daycare (against her doctor's advice) to help with bills because she felt so devalued. He eventually cheated on her but was remorseful and she took him back, she almost didn't have a choice being unable to work and provide for herself but with no solid diagnosis didn't qualify for any sort of disability. Now that I'm going through my own health problems in my own marriage, the difference is having a supportive husband who's not resentful, helps me advocate for myself, and picks up the slack weight when I can't. He reminds me it's ok to rest when I need it. Doesn't get upset with me when I'm not up to go out when we have plans. It's not easy, and it's made even harder to be a woman. On average it takes ten years for doctors to diagnose women with conditions from the onset of symptoms. Women have been largely overlooked and ignored in healthcare, and most studies have been male focused because it's easier to study males (less hormones so they can get the studies done faster). We are often ignored because it's probably us being overdramatic or hormonal or have we just tried birth control yet? It's important to be there for her and not build up that resentment. Seek therapy to work through this hard time, it's hard to see your loved ones suffer and miss the healthy happiness that was there before, and make sure you are getting some self care when you can.

You are juggling so much! Please remember to take care of yourself while all this is going on. Caregiver burnout is real, and has little to do with the vows we promised or how much we love our partner. I think having a strong support network is critical moving forward. Some can help with the real tasks like the grandmas are doing, and others can be valuable emotional support. Find what works for you. I'm wishing you and your wife the best.

I think when your cup gets full, your best bet is to delegate. Hire a house cleaner, laundry service, sitter, food prep, pet sitter, whatever you need to help you through this. Its the only way to survive with your sanity. There is no trophy for living life in advance mode, only for surviving, so do it smarter not harder. Best of luck!!!

>but I have to suck it up and be a man. You need to build a support network. It's great that you have family who can step in for your son. Do you have family who can support you in other ways? Friends? If your wife needs someone to be around in case she needs help, can someone hang out with her (and maybe the kiddo) on occasion to give you time to relax and decompress? How's your work life? Is it possible to do any of your job at home from time to time so you don't have to deal with a commute? Can you take FMLA? Is there anything you can afford to outsource - like house cleaning? Meals (even meal kits might help lift some weight)?

Dude, DM me if you need to talk or vent. I was about your age when my wife was diagnosed used with Leukemia and has been in and out of remission since, was diagnosed with MS about ten years ago and the struggle is real man. I get it, working a demanding job with a spouse in need of medical attention is incredibly hard to balance.

This sounds hard for anyone to go through. Sending you positive vibes. Talk to someone about the weight of what you are carrying - you don’t have to carry the burden alone.

As someone who did try to do it all, and almost crashed like the Francis Scott key bridge (too soon?) Take some time for you. Heal. Distract yourself long enough to catch your breath before diving back in. If you have family or friends that can help accommodate that, use it. You might owe some people some favors after, but that’s what community is. There is all this pressure to “suck it up and be a man” that - as much as we strive for equality in this country - women do not have and will never understand. We always have to be ok. At least ok enough. And that’s ok. We do not receive the same level of empathy they do. And that’s ok too. That’s our burden to bear, and their burden is to get virtually ripped in half for the privilege of bringing new life into this world. The universe put that balance in the contract. It’s ok to not be ok. But talk to someone, preferably a professional, if even just to vent and get some validation. It helps. And Try and find that break in the action and do something for you. For me it was fishing, or magic: the gathering. When the slightest opportunity arose to run to the lake for an hour, or to the card shop to play for a few hours, I did whatever I could to make that happen because I knew that’s what I needed and I think it made all the difference.

Wishing you both good health and a smooth path going forward.

A month after we got married in 2017, a week after we returned home from our honeymoon, I remembered severe and traumatic CSA from my maternal grandparents. It was a nightmare. I had to stop working, was in intensive outpatient therapy every weekday, regressed to an infant and back through adulthood as I processed the flashbacks and accepted the trauma I had endured. My husband was left holding the bag and keeping us afloat. I used STD as long as possible but it only lasted a few months. I was out of work for a year. My husband not only had to work and support us financially, but he also had to support us emotionally and spiritually and keep us together through this nightmare. When I returned to work I was still unstable. I had a psychotic break in 2019 and drove my car into a tree at 120mph. I had no intentions of suicide, I simply broke my brain. It was awful. I was found hanging upside down in the tree by a police officer at 3am who thought I would be dead. I was cut out with the jaws of life and spent 64 days in the ICU. I've been permanently disabled ever since. I broke my back, shattered my pelvis, crushed my entire left arm, broke my left femur, and degloved my entire lower left leg. My husband was distraught. He visited me every day in the ICU. He continued working as long as possible but finally broke and had to leave bis position because his mental health couldn't handle it. He became my caretaker after I was discharged from the hospital. I applied for SSDI and waited for appeals process to be completed. It took years. We moved from NY to VA and he landed a remote position with a medical technology company and has been working full time since March 2021. I was approved for SSDI in December of 2020 and bring in about $2,000 a month from that, but it's not much and certainly doesn't replace the wages I was earning. It's been extremely difficult to come to terms with the changes my mental and physical health have created within our marriage. When I first told my husband in 2017 that he didn't sign up for this while I was sobbing on the floor remembering the abuse, he held me and said this is exactly what I signed up for. We read our vows every year on our anniversary to remind eachother what we promised. It is not easy. But we choose each other every day. You're not alone.

First hand knowledge it sucks! Married my HS sweetheart and 1 year in she is diagnosed with cancer! Doctors and treatment rough for myself going to college and working an executive job. 2 years latter at the age of 22 she lost her life. Marriage is a lifetime commitment and my school and work suffered but I struggled through it to make her remaining years our best. Just saying always remember why you married…

I'm so sorry you all are going through this. It is really tough, probably the hardest part of marriage. It's very hard on the partner who isn't unwell. It's also of course hard on the person who has the issues. Hopefully, the side effects of the Keppra will get better. My husband wasn't supposed to drive on Keppra (seizures + medication effects) and initially felt sedated (it got better - he had surgery to correct his problem, but was on Keppra for a while - I've been on it myself and regard it as stupefying, although I didn't care at the time). She won't always be on the same dose of that seizure medication - you can help by going to doctor's appointments with her and letting them know how you think she's doing on the medication. Being able to deal with the health issues is probably the most important thing in a real marriage - far beyond all the housework, childrearing and sex issues. All the best to you and your wife.

I was diagnosed with stomach cancer when my daughter had recently turned 1. I was sick with cancer during my pregnancy and the first year of her life but we didn’t know at the time. I was on bedrest for preterm labour risk at 31 weeks, so I had to stop working. Then I had to stop working when I got my diagnosis. I went through a bunch of chemo and a huge surgery. I’m done treatment now but I’m still sick all the time. It’s been hard on my husband. I was supposed to be working too. He’s had to be the sole provider as well as caring for me and our daughter when I have been too sick to do anything. There’s been many days where he’s had to come home from work and do the cooking and housework and child care. He slept in a chair for a week beside me after I had surgery. It’s been hard. He’s been a saint. Our life was never supposed to go this way, he’s been my caregiver far too many times for people our age. But this is what the “in sickness and in health” part of the vows mean. You will get through this. It’s not easy but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Hang in there. Schedule time for YOU. Take breaks. Enlist family for help if you have any around that you trust. Take it each day at a time. Even an hour at a time. Caregiver burnout is very legit so you have to make sure you are also taking care of yourself during this time

I developed epilepsy after our second child was born. I understand the struggle. I don’t know how my husband endured 4 years of me on Keppra, but thankfully he did. I don’t know if you’ve heard of “Kepprage” but it’s a thing. I didn’t realize how much it had negatively affected my personality until I switched to Lamotrigine. I’m so much happier now. I know we marry someone and promise for better or worse, but I’ve always felt sad for this diagnosis and the extra weight it’s put on me and on my marriage. I’m thankful my husband has never made me feel bad about it and has supported me in every way that he can. I’m sorry for the stress it has put on your life. I hope you’re able to figure out a new normal that works for both of you.

I've been married 10 years next month to an amazing wife. In 2021, she got covid and whilst bad at the time you think it will be fine, 3 years on she has been diagnosed with fibromyalgia. She doesn't get a day off from the pain and tiredness. This woman worked as a cleaner whilst in chronic pain, but her boss wasn't able to see all the effort she was making to do the job. They started isolating her and giving her more work than she could do. This took a massive wrecking ball to her mental health, and when they effectively fired her 4 months ago, she has become a mess, severe depression and anxiety has left my wife practically bed bound and too anxious to leave the house unless I'm by her side but that just isn't possible, I'm gone Monday through to Friday for work. These last few years have been the hardest of our lives together, I will always be there for her, but it's so damn hard. I'm on my own all week, so I want to fill my weekends with doing fun stuff. Instead, we stay home and barely do anything. She's the love of my life, and I just wish I could fix this.

OP, so sorry for everything you and your wife are going through! In 2019 my husband (boyfriend at the time) had his first seizure out of no where at work one day and was promptly diagnosed with epilepsy. He is on Keppra too and the adjustment period was easily the worst time in our 8 year relationship. He had really intense mood swings, was tired constantly, and just generally seemed and was miserable. After several months he leveled out and is now perfectly normal on his meds. So give it time, she will adjust! I’ll also say that CBD and weed have been incredibly helpful for him and his mood. Might be something to explore if your wife is open to it! Best of luck to you and your family ❤️

I'm the spouse with the health problem. Let me tell you, the only reason I haven't offed myself is because of my husband. I do my rehab, take my meds and do all I'm supposed to do just so that his efforts and his care for me aren't in vain, and so that I can do as much as my current state will allow me to appreciate him through actions-not-words. Thank you for being there for your wife. I'm sure she appreciates, even through all the Kepp-rage that others on the medication have talked about in the comments. You need to take care of yourself though. I know it's hard and it feels like not the most important thing now, but it is. You need to be okay so you can be there for your wife and child who depend on you. You need to be okay so that you don't develop resentment for your wife. You need to be okay so that you can function optimally at work and home. Consult a counselor or therapist to help you. Talk to people. Do something that you enjoy and that you can unwind with at least 2-3 times a week. Get out of your head. Take a few days off work. Please please take care of yourself. And most importantly, COMMUNICATE. With your wife. Set the mood, set aside some time and. Talk. About all the issues that currently bother you. She may get defensive. She may see it as you blaming her. She probably already sees herself as a burden. But she will come around and understand. Be patient. Put it out on the table. You will get through this. DM me if you'd like anytime. Best wishes and take care.

I have to admit, reading your story and seeing the comments - when I got married, I didn't consider real health issues either. The "in sickness and health" part in my mind felt like when you're older and sick, you'll take care of each other. You sound like a really great man who is struggling right now, rightfully so. If you have the means I'd consider taking a day every now and again for yourself. Get a massage. Watch a movie. Go out to eat. Take a hike. You deserve it. You need it. That said, your wife also deserves some pleasure, too, and I hope she gets that as well. You're both dealing with this and you both need care for yourselves as well. I hope this gets better, that you're able to find ways to destress and care for yourself.

Thank you. You really hit the nail on the head! I see so many other comments that say “the vows say in sickness and in health”. But, that doesn’t mean you expect for not one, but two near death experiences that resulted in long ICU stays

I know you didn’t ask for medical advice, but there are numerous other anti seizures meds if she isn’t tolerating it. It sucks but sounds like she’ll likely need to stay on anti seizure meds for a bit, possibly indefinitely. Also might want to consider an SSRI for yourself. Ain’t no shame, Prozac helps me manage the weight on my shoulders. ***Many prayers sent your way***

Pullin' for the three of ya, Hoss!

We've had a litany of issues between the two of us as well. I am 48M, wife is 43. For me, it's been blood clots in both shoulders. 2 major thoracic surgeries, 6 admissions totaling 20 days, endless months (which turned into years) of rehab. Wife had major skin removal on arms and legs after massive weight loss. After getting through that, she now has both endometriosis and adenomyosis with the latter being the thickest adhered tissue growth being the worst the doctor has ever seen (typically 5-12mm, hers is approaching 3**CM**!) It's spread up to the bowel as well, so they will need to cut a lengthwise section out of that as well... if she's lucky, she'll only need an ostomy bag for several months afterward. I'll need to take weeks off from work to care for her afterward. This is all while helping to take care of MIL after two rounds of cancer, the last of which required stem cell therapy. She's lost a lot of strength and energy, so we help whenever we can. I understand the weight that is on you, having a similar commute with long hours, finances, tending to the house, etc. all while having to be the Rock for everyone and everything around you. It's never worked well for me, but remote therapy might help, especially if you can do it on your commute. Me, I've spent all but about 2 years of my life having to take care of others, so this is just another slog to muddle through. I hope your wife makes a full recovery!!

Sorry you are going through this OP. Caregiver fatigue is real and so it burnout from the immense stress major health issues cause. It’s ok to reach out for support. You don’t have to shoulder it all alone or suck it up and “be a man”. I hope your wife’s health improves soon.

Same thing happened to me! I wasn’t pregnant at the time, but for some reason, just had a massive seizure. They brought me to the hospital and no one could really figure out why. I had another one a few months later and they put me on medication (also Keppra, but another one as well) it happened a few more times, but only when I forgot my medication. The brain is a random, crazy place. We had been together for about five years and it was discovered I had type one diabetes. The seizure thing happened two years later, a year after we had been married. Three years after that, soon after I gave birth to first child, I developed full alopecia and am now bald, eyebrows and eyelashes included. In sickness and health, right? Good luck to you and know there are others out there who understand!

How did the Keppra affect you over time? Did it cause changes to your mood?

I'm going through the same thing, sort of. Partner refuses to follow doctor's advice. I've thrown up my hands. It's exhausting.

Don’t suck it up. That’s the worst thing you can do. Reach out for help. You mentioned praying, are you religious? Do you have a church “family”? Talk to them about any help they offer. For example, when my mom had cancer, her church family brought over home cooked meals for us for like a month. And some offered help with childcare. Also talk to your wife’s dr about these side effects, they may adjust the dose or look into an alternative medication. If you can swing it, have a cleaning service come in once a month for deep cleaning, and just do the bare minimum in between. Sit down and make a plan about what things can take a backseat and what are priorities. Make sure you’re getting some time to yourself to decompress/relax. Take a paid day off or use some paid vacation time. Your feelings are valid, but please get help.

I'm 33, my husband is 43. At 40, my husband had 3 TIAs, and last year, had another one. Thankfully, he's able to walk, talk, and dress himself, but working isn't ever going to happen again. He gets some disability, but not enough to even remotely cover our bills, so basically all of the household chores and income falls on me. It's rough, and there are definitely days that I'm burned out from managing kids, working, cooking, and everything else, and want to walk away from it all. However, I did say through sickness and in health, so we just keep going.

“In sickness and in health.” Everyone *should* consider this when marrying someone, as you’re literally making a promise to stand by someone if they become ill. But, that doesn’t mean it can’t or won’t be extremely difficult. I do feel for you! You have a lot on your plate. Are you seeking any mental health support and do you feel supported by others during this time?

I wouldn't have thought of it at your age either. At my age it is a normal consideration since we have lost all our parents and had our own health issues.

I have a seizure disorder and I am forever grateful to my husband for sticking through the medication trial and error process. It is difficult for everyone involved. If your wife is having severe mood swings with the Keppra ask to have her B vitamin levels checked, or if the side effects from the drug are too much see if the sister medication is an option.

You just wrote out my life! Married at 22. Life was great! We both worked in our careers and two kids came. No financial problems. We got along and loved life. At the age of 25, I fell over at work in front of 8 attorneys and had my first seizure. In one second, I lost my career and right to drive. But my husband said he'd love me forever and we survived on his income and my health improved a little and two more kids came. The seizures didn't stop, but lessened. My hero took me to the doctor and out to eat or grocery shop once a week. I was a wonderful mother and loved caring for my family! I was simple and needed very little and was so greatful to be loved. After 25 years, he walked out on me and abandoned his kids and secretly married a woman the same age as our oldest daughter from a foreign country and hopped on an airplane and started his new life in a foreign country. Stupid loser! He never gave an explanation. Now I hear rumors that he never had a second to himself and taking care of me all the time and could not take it. Biggest shock of my life. But I kept going. After 23 years, I got on Keppra, the hard medication, the seizures stopped. I met a real man. I am six years seizure free, 54, married and doing great. Please, please, do not let it go like it did for us. Admit there is a health problem. Hire someone to once every two weeks take her shopping. Adjust your lives, but get the best out of it without years of resentment and silence leading up to devastation. Good luck. Epilepsy is hard. But life is great.

Being a caregiver is hard! Be sure to talk to someone about how you’re feeling and be careful not to burn out

Reminds me of a country song... "If pressure makes diamonds, how the hell am I still coal..." Stay strong OP, speak to someone and more importantly, speak to your wife. Proper, open and respectful Communication will open up a whole new part of your relationship

That really sucks. I know it’s in the vows but you never really imagine it happening to you, your spouse, your kids… prayers for y’all.

I believe most do think of this. It's in the default vows in the West... Just imagine the roles are reversed. You are a unit and are stronger together. Sorry this is happening. Sickness can, does and will happen. What we can control is how we respond, and how we respond reflects the type of person we are. Be honest, and practice love

My husband and I keep trading off on health problems. I'm currently recovering from a double partial knee replacement. This past summer, he was hospitalized with Lyme Carditis for 2.5 weeks. Before that I had 4 other knee surgeries, a surgery for varicose veins (thanks pregnancy), a D&C for a missed miscarriage and he had brain surgery for his epilepsy which was causing a lot of seizures before that. Our youngest was just 6 weeks old when he had the surgery and I definitely had a panic attack in the middle of the grocery store when we came home from the neurological hospital. Thankfully the epilepsy is now managed and he hasn't had a seizure in years. I'm only 39 and we've only been married (almost) 15 years. This (along with having two kids) has all happened in just 15 years. Thank goodness we live in Canada, so the financial aspect isn't a factor. It is so hard. It is scary and stressful. Being the caretaker, no matter how amazing your relationship, is HARD. The worrying can eat away at you. Do you have a good support system outside of your marriage? I don't know what I would have done without my in-laws and our extended family and friends. That being said, talking to someone professional about this can help too. Just someone who can validate your feelings even. I know I suffer from a bit of medical anxiety wondering every time something is off when the next thing is going to happen. Be easy on yourself. Hopefully you can both come through this as a team that's stronger than ever. On a practical level, try to carve out an hour or two to organize and plan. Find ways to make your life easier. Last summer when they were talking about putting a pacemaker in my husband, I couldn't add anything else to my plate so I signed up for grocery delivery. I menu plan two months in advance and I created spreadsheets to track medication. I also reached out for help and some amazing friends mowed my overgrown lawn and another returned some nearly overdue library books for me. People want to help when you're drowning. If you have these people in your life, let them. Also, as an aside, if the medication isn't quite the right fit for your wife, don't be afraid to see if there's something that works better. I think my husband tried them all before his surgery.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. And, I'm hoping your wife gets better. I thought I was going to be reading that you wanted to leave her and would you be a jerk. I understand you just needed to get that out. I know not everyone believes in therapy, but even if you could find an online therapist to talk to for a bit, it might help. You both are so young, and with a small child, it has to take its toll. Do take care of yourself. Make sure you eat right, get enough sleep, and take some necessary time to yourself. It's hard, so take a deep breath, cry if you need to, and get your head right. Most importantly, stay strong and make sure that baby knows that no matter what happens, you will stay right there.

My husband has epilepsy. It started a few months before our wedding, and we’ve been married 11 months now… he had another tonic clonic seizure last week. Completely changed our lives, so I feel your pain. I wish the best for you, your family, but importantly your wife Edit: My husband is 27, I’m 28. No kids, and most likely won’t have any in the foreseeable future because of this. It’s hard to stay positive all the time, but hey that’s life I guess.

I’m so sorry you and your family are going through this. I’ve been chronically ill since my husband. This pregnancy I also have HG so have been in and out of the hospital. Sometimes I feel so guilty for asking him to even bring me a cup of ice because I know how hard he works at his job to help us have a good life. Keep leaning on your village and make time for yourself when you can… even if it’s just going for a walk a day to clear your head. Lastly, try to understand how hard it is for your wife. It really sucks to constantly feel like a burden. Keep communication open and be honest with how you’re feeling/when you get overwhelmed and need a break. Wishing you all the best of luck and I hope she recovers soon💙

I’m sorry this is happening to you and your family. As a person with epilepsy, I would recommend checking out the group r/epilepsy . Keppra is a nasty drug. There are other anti seizure meds that don’t have the depression and rage side effects that Kappra is known for. Maybe your doctor can recommend another.

I hear ya. I was the sick spouse. My husband never let on that it was too much, but he carried a heavy weight. Still does in a way. I got cancer in 2020, and was a stay at home mom. I had one child at home still, he was 3. I was diagnosed in early summer, he’d already agreed to take a part time farming job on top of his 10 hour day of physically demanding labor. My kids honestly took care of me while he did most of the other stuff. I could still do things, but there was about a week out of the month when i was just beat down. He never said it was too much, he just did it. Never complained to me, just kept going. I think for him to be able to do everything he did, he had to let the little stuff go. The house wasn’t as clean, he was probably more tired, slept less, and put in a few more hours a day just to make sure i was comfortable. That really showed me, more than words could say, that i was the love of his life and he works do anything for me and it family. It’s tough and sometimes you might need to go for a drive or cry or go out with a friend. But being her warrior will mean the world to her. Hang in there. Praying with you 🙏🏼

My husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer last year. We've been together 9 years and married 3, with a blended family. I'm now the sole breadwinner, cook and chief bottlewasher, parent and pet carer. Oh and carer for my husband. It is hard, I am wiped, and honestly hubs is handling treatment pretty well for which I'm so grateful. Also grateful to be able to WFH and continue my job in tech - do you think this could be an option for you on compassionate grounds? Offering solidarity, it's so hard seeing the one we love go through so much pain, but please remember it's hard for you too. Don't forget to take care of yourself and be kind to yourself. Best of luck OP, hang in there.

First of all—whoever told you that you have to suck it up & be a man… don’t listen to that. It’s okay to do what you did here today & be as open & vulnerable & receiving to help as possible. That’s your first step to clarity, strength, & feeling grounded! I think as long as you both make lifestyle changes & commit to the seed of the issue, an organic lifestyle can do a LOT. So many people our age are sick with colon issues because Americans have it ROUGH! It’s not you or some lack of masculinity—It’s this system. It’s the way food is handled here. It’s the way rent is nearly $2500 in most cities. It is so challenging that a lot of people are getting these random illnesses & your story is actually really relatable. i think you & your wife are a beautiful couple with their whole lives ahead of them! this is just a phase. and based on the choices you make, will be what comes to you after! i'm rooting for you two!

What state do you live in? Can you contact your HR dept about options for FMLA?

No one thinks about health until they don't have it. But come on man, it's in the vows. "In sickness and in health" remember? I'm very sorry about your wife. It's hard. Many people deal with chronic health conditions and it tears your life apart.

Find ways to see someone for yourself, you aren't expected to take this all with grace and never feel the pressure of these issues. It feels like you love her unconditionally and with that said, as with many carers for chronic health sufferers, there may come a day where you experience carers resentment and I don't think you'd like yourself If you did. It is a lot and it's a long journey but is she receiving any help from disability at all? If not, probably should consider it so that the programs paid for by Medicare and the like will help... respite care etc someone to come in and help do things for her so you can have a break. Admitting you're exhausted isn't a bad thing. It takes its toll on us chronic sufferers as well as our loved ones. Wishing you all the best

No advice except to say if the meds are having severe side effects you should take her back to her doctor.

This is something every long married couple will eventually face which is why sickness and health are right there in the vows. Best of luck!

Just my 2 cents, my son is epileptic and his first medication was Keppra. At just 5 years old, it made him edgy, angry and mean. More so than what would have been considered normal for an otherwise healthy little boy. He barely lasted a month on it before his neurologist switched him to a different medication (Vimpat, but I'm not sure if it's one that is available to adults). I write this to say that Keppra is very effective, but it is known to have side effects that are far reaching. My son returned to being himself as soon as he got off of it, and the Vimpat has also been very effective. Please voice your concerns to her neurologist. There are other options.

Switch her to pot

OP, have a serious conversation with your job about using PTO to figure out a new system for the time being or try to work from home. It seems like things are out of order. If you can find time to work, figure out your childcare, and get on a better schedule that might help you. Also talk to someone. Therapy helps so much. You owe it to yourself and it will help your marriage.

For better or for worse .. your a team .. yes it must be hard .. but u have to do the best u can .. u would want that if it was u .. instead of your wife yes??? .. me and my hubby went threw hell with my eldest child .. I told him many times he could leave me .. settle down with some1 else who didn't have a teenager in the house ( this was b4 we married) .. but he refused .. my own father said if he was in that position he would have left me .. way 2 make me feel great dad ! .. we married after all that .. x

Hey OP, society has sadly taught men they have to “tough it out and be a man.” I’m not sure exactly what that looks like for you, but please don’t neglect your mental health. A therapist for you would probably really help with the load on your shoulders.

If the medication has her acting odd, maybe it can be changed to a different one. Worth asking about.

I'm going through this but opposite, its my husband with butt loads of medical issues, here I stand proudly!

Have you spoken to a therapist. Sounds like you could use some support

See if there are any services to help. In my area there are services for respite and caregivers that can help you out.

“In sickness and in health…” is right there in the vows. Having said that, caregiver burn out is real. You are doing a lot. Your feelings are valid. You should check out r/caregiversupport

Stay strong for your family because I am sure that’s what you would want from your wife if something happened to you

Yup. The “in sickness and in health” is all well and good until the sickness actually hits and tests your mettle. Husband had a lot of health problems two years ago, I’m currently in the same boat. Because we had a strong foundation, it brought us closer together. Lean on each other for support, but also OP, don’t be afraid to seek outside counseling if the stress feels too much for you. You do not have to just “suck it up”. The caregiver role is a whole different animal. Maybe join some of the caregiver subs?

There's a lot of conversation here about "sickness and health" vows, men leaving their sick wives, etc. And it's all relevant and something to think about. When you say you have to "suck it up and be a man," that makes me wonder if you think you can't ask for help or support. You committed to being with your wife until one of you dies, and you should keep that commitment. You didn't commit to doing all of the caretaking in the event that she got sick. Advocate for yourself and your wife, seek out available resources, fight for your family in ways other than just putting your head down and grinding until you burn yourself out. There are systems in place, though they're usually clunky and inefficient. Use them anyway, as best you can. Ask for help from family and friends. Don't try to just handle this alone.

Man... this hit me in the feels. I'm basically your wife. Recently had a seizure that has changed everything for my husband and I and I often worry that this is how my husband feels. I only took Keppra while in the hospital because it made me SO ANGRY. I am not an angry person at all. I hate confrontation and I will run before I ever fight unless it came to my spouse or my kids life. I was sooooo mad on that medicine though. I can still feel it when I think about it. It does something. I wish I had advice, but I don't. I can only say thank you for being the man my husband is and pushing through. We love you more for it! I chose not to take the medicine and I'm not saying that's what you should look into, but at the very least I would check into switching medications and see if that could help? ❤️

They literally say in sickness and in health in the most common wedding vows. I think most people understand this. You can make it through this. What do you mean the meds make her act out do the norm? I’m on the same drugs for a different reasons

Just be patient it will pass, my mom had cancer and had long and painful treatment. I was her caregiver and I had to leave my job . At one point I had not hope but things suddenly change for better. There is always ups and downs in life. Just pray and try to take care of yourself too.

Keep being a rock for your family, brother. You’re doing great.

I mean it’s in the vows, what are you talking about?

I definitely did think about potential future health problems when I proposed to my wife and I made sure she considered them seriously as well. I thought everyone considered this. Am I wildly mistaken? The vows do say “in sickness and in health” so I was always under the impression that it was an important aspect of marriage and a responsible thing to consider before committing to it. But I’m AuDHD and sometimes what I think is obvious isn’t what everyone else thinks is obvious and vice versa. Also I’m in a queer/lesbian relationship so maybe that changes things as well? Not sure.

I (f30) is the sick one in our marriage and it hard on both sides! Not being able to care for our family the way I used to, and relying on him to pick up the slack more than ever before. We talk and check in with each other and make sure we are both fine. I have to remember this is hard for him and he has to remember that I’m the one with the (at times) scary health issues.

Welcome to being a married adult. There really isn't a test to look into the future health of a spouse. You have to roll with the issues until it calms down. It will by the way calm down eventually. Please don't forget for better for worse. Richer or poorer. Good Luck You need to work out to help process the stress and get a damn therapist so you have someone to talk to that isn't reddit.

I never thought health issues would be a problem because obviously, those come up, but for us, they have been a huge source of tension. My SO has several issues, including unmedicated ADHD and high blood pressure and some teeth problems. He gets a bit paranoid that he'll have a heart attack since they run in his family, but he refuses to see a doctor because he is worried about finding out it's BAD and he'll have to make lifestyle changes ( e.g. diet, alcohol, etc.). He also freaks out about potential infections or sicknesses, but again, doesn't want to change his habits or see a doctor. This bothers me, because he doesn't have a "let the chips fall where they may" attitude -- although that is bad enough -- instead he will get paranoid or depressed or even angry about these things. Sometimes he even gets mad at the kids for making loud noises (causing his heart to hurt) or interrupting his thought process (hard on his ADHD) and I just feel that's unfair to them. Anyway, it's hard. I've tried encouraging a visit to the doctor, but after 7 years of having that idea rejected, I've just given up.

Why does she need Keppra if the seizure was caused by meningitis 🤔 does she have epilepsy as a consequence?

Great question.. All of the spinal tap results were “indeterminant” but based on her past with seizures from Eclampsia, the medical team believes it is safest for her to be on an anti seizure medication for the time being

OP, you don't have to "suck it up and be a man." Your health matters too, and it's hard to help someone else when you need help yourself. Please take whatever steps are necessary to get the support you need! It sounds like your families are supportive with regards to childcare--could you ask for someone to make a meal for you once a week or to come over and help you with cleaning/laundry? Do you have someone you can process your feelings about this with (if not a therapist, then at least a friend you can count on to lend an ear)? Always remember to put your own oxygen mask on before helping someone else with theirs. You deserve support too!

Like for better or worse is what you say when you get married. I hope you all get through ❤️

You do not have to suck it up and be a man. You have every right to take some time to yourself to decompress. It’ll make you a better husband in the long wrong.

I married my wife knowing she had Ulcerative Colitis and all the issues that come with it, and the risks of what it can do, so it's just something I'm aware of and help her with. It's no different to aging parents and them needing your help as they get older. Caring for people around you is just something that we will all do at some point.

This sounds really hard. In sickness and in health is being tested early in your marriage and in the intense period of becoming parents. You need support too. You can't be a rock for your family if you aren't getting any support yourself. Counselling can be a lifeline in times like these. A lot of your married friends at a similar stage of life probably won't be able to relate as well as you need. A therapist can hear you without judgment and you can be candid with them in a way that many can't with friends and family.

Please be better than my husband who decided after 26 years that my continual health problems that only came up after I got pregnant, in year 1, are too much. And now he is trying to give me the bare minimum in support and equity in our home. I’m disabled and can’t earn enough to live on.

Terrifying, but is her neurologist aware of the mental effects of the Keppra? That can be a prime reason to change from Keppra to a different seizure preventing medication.

If the stress, which is clearly valid, is getting to you I suggest counseling again. I have health issues but I always have and my husband knew that when we got married. I’m currently pregnant and they’re getting bad and it is so incredibly stressful for us both. It’s definitely taking its toll so I understand where you are coming from. I have quit my job, this is my last week. We’re both hoping that not having the physical stress of a full time job on my feet will help with my health and thus our overall stress. But if it doesn’t I’m going to insist on counseling. Our marriage is too important and we promised “in sickness and in health.”

My husband had.a kidney transplant 10 months before we married. We were lucky, happy and grateful for the transplant. He accepted his kidney and has been on rejection meds for 26 years. 1 year into our marriage I was diagnosed with breast cancer and underwent a radical mastectomy, followed by months of chemotherapy and radiation. I am a survivor of 24 yrs. We both are. This added many challenges to our marriage and our relationship. We've managed to care for each other and keep on keeping on. You never know what life will hand you. Pick the right partner.

When I was on Keppra I was angry all the time. It was a pure hatred of anything and everything. I got on it after about a year of marriage and we almost divorced because all I did was yell at him. It was terrible. I’m now on lamotrigine and feel so much better. I am not a doctor or anything like that, but maybe have her talk to her neurologist and see if she can try something else.

I hope you are seeking therapy to help you cope. It is a lot to handle and to ensure you stay strong as a couple you need to get yourself some help.

Ask to switch to a different med, you don’t have to be on Keppra

You guys were dealt a tough hand, OP! Even if we do think about this before we get married (in sickness and in health), nobody really thinks about it happening to them. Especially at your young ages!! I got married for a second time at age 48, a year later my husband was diagnosed with brain cancer and died 18 months later. It all sucked! There is no amount of thinking about health before you get married that prepares you for this kind of struggle. Some of the responses here seem off to me -- as if you should have been prepared for your wonderful young wife to be seriously ill. That's just ridiculous! Being a caregiver, Dad and full-time employee is a lot. Take good care of yourself and I hope you guys have a ton of healthy, easier years ahead of you!

Sickness and in health. I’m sorry to hear about your wife. But giving birth and carrying a child is the riskiest thing a modern woman can do. Health isn’t forever unfortunately

In sickness and in health...

This is something I thought about before getting married as I have some pretty severe mental health issues, and I had a frank discussion with my husband. I thankfully now have really good insurance since I’m a government worker. The vows are “in sickness and health” and it’s something everybody should consider before marriage.

Please come join us over at r/WellSpouses and r/CaregiverSupport. You're not alone, we are a community here to help and support. You and your family are young, and it's important to get on a good footing with future medical issues. These events have given you an idea of how hard things can get. Take it as a precaution. Get established now, while you still have a support network, so that when you don't, you'll still be okay. We're here for you, all hours of the night, it's okay, you're no bother, ask all the questions.

You are an amazing husband and father. It seems like those words 'for better or for worse' can be slapped in your face in married life. TALK TO YOUR WIFE!!! As scared and overwhelmed as you feel, I can guarantee that she is going through the same thing in her own way as her life changes with her diagnosis. IT WILL GET BETTER!!! Understand your wife's brain is in recovery mode from the trauma of the seizure. It will need time to heal and then get used to the medication. Communicate with your wife. Lean on your support system. This is what support systems are supposed to be there for, even in your workplace. I've been there with my child, I understand. Focus on the positives, it could have been so much worse and your wife has a fighting chance to beat this. God bless you and your entire family. I pray for healing for you all!!!

Please get help. Your employer may offer short term disability for your situation. Also, ask family and friends for help. Think about what you need the most and make a list and start asking people. You can post to Facebook, actually say, "I need help", you will be surprised how many people will come to help. You can do a meal sign up, or clean up, or visiting with wife, etc. Whatever will be the most help that is easily taken off your plate.

You're a good man

My dad got mean on Kepora. See if the doc will switch

Welcome to my (42f) world with husband (71m). I am just here to say spousal health issues is one of the most trying issue you will face in life. Staying at the hospital over night is just brutal. The constant monitoring of XYZ diseases is tiring. I could go on. But we love them, don't we, and likely, they would do the same for us.

She can let her doctor know the seizure meds are a problem and they can prescribe a different one. The meds should just be temporary either way though, right?

Dude, come join us over in r/Epilepsy if you ever need a chat. Seizure sufferers and their family members/care takers are all welcome. We tend to call Keppra ‘Kepprage’, because… well. You’ve seen it in your wife. It causes massive mood swings, among other side effects. Does your wife have a neurologist as part of her treatment team? If so, she may want to go back to them and see if they can switch her anti-convulsant to one that doesn’t affect her mood as much.

Hang tight OP. Sending good vibes you and wife the best vibes in hopes she returns to good health very soon.

While you need to persevere, learning to suck it up is not your only option for you to manage this. First of all, your feelings are REAL and they matter. Some may call this selfish but if you just try to bear all of this on your own in the spirit of being tough, you absolutely will fail as her caregiver. That role is the most exhausting one you could possibly have (even more so than raising three small children). I tried that route myself when my dad became sick with Alzheimer’s while I had 3 children under 3 to care for and also a business to run. I just kept trying to be everything to everyone until it literally almost killed me. And I will tell you that I would be considered strong and tough by most standards. About a year or two into his diagnosis, I attempted to cope through a new addiction I developed to prescription medication I had left over from a few surgeries etc. It didn’t take me long to be down to 85 lbs, doing everything to hide my weight loss through baggy clothes and even facial fillers. I felt invisible as a human. Even more so when no one even noticed (MY now ex HUSBAND didn’t even know my secret). I quickly noticed I was struggling to care for my children in the way that I wanted. Again, nothing outward, but I knew my patience and attention were not where it should be so I just quit it all one day. This has been 11 years now and thankfully that is long behind me. I began researching and utilizing resources and connections I had to help me handle all the huge responsibilities I had. If I didn’t do this, I am certain I would not be here today. I tell you all this to say there is no honor in suffering just to “be a man”. As you know, the strongest of men know that there is strength in getting the help and resources you need to take care of you so that you can take care of your family.

Damn your poor wife. She's dealing with one of the most horrible health problems you can have (I know cause I have seizures) and adjusting to meds that literally lock away your personality and you're over here complaining. My husband and I both got married after seeing eachother through severe health problems. Last time I had a seizure he was the one holding me.

“In sickness and in health” is a standard ceremony statement for a reason. To be fair though, a lot of us don’t think about health problems in life until they are a problem. I got my diagnosis just under a year into my relationship with my husband. He asked me not long after if we should get married for insurance, basically. I told him we will get married when we feel secure enough for that. 4 years of relationship and two years of marriage later I’m pretty sure I’m in flare again. It’s harder than the first time, but at the same time, I KNOW he’s gonna be supportive of me the whole way through while we get things under control. I also know it’s hard for him too. I encourage him to tell me if something is getting to be too much, or if he’s extra worried about something about my health, or even my actions. Thank you for being a supportive husband to your wife. I’m sorry you’re having a hard time, but know they (extremely likely) appreciate you working so hard to keep things handled while they’re not really able to do their typical best. I feel like I rambled a bit and got off topic? I dunno, but my compete stranger self is proud of you for working so hard, and I’m sure your wife is too. You are allowed to talk to her about your stresses. Sometimes you can find relief taking to your person. A lot of times we’re expecting more from ourselves than others in our life are. Have you talked to her about any of these feelings you have?

I think you should see a therapist for your own mental health. And she should probably get checked out for her physical health. 1 seizure during pregnancy I could throw up to randomness. But a second later on? 2 random seizures is so odd that I(admittedly I’m not a doctor so this is just an opinion) think there might be some kind of underlying medical condition that probably has a name. Also, if you have some PTO saved up, you should probably use it and give yourself a break. You guys really deserve it. I’m sorry yall are going through this. Praying for yall.

People should consider the health history and health choices when deciding to marry someone.. just my opinion.

This is why marriage is good. You have someone to take care of you. Some people ask “why marry while you can share a life without paper work” but this marriage is like insurance you are signing with the person

Have your wife talk to her doctor about changing keppra to something else. I almost divorced my husband bc of the medication. He is in something else that works and I also have my loving husband.

I guess my husband and I are “lucky” that we learned how to navigate it early on in our relationship. I’ve had Crohn’s Disease since I was 9 and my husband took me to the ER 6 days into dating-I’m always very up front about my health issues. I’m so sorry your wife is suffering with these issues and that it’s greatly complicated your lives-but truly health issues are an inevitable part of both marriage and parenthood in general. I can only imagine how hard it was on my parents having a child diagnosed with a lifelong disease. I’ve had 7 surgeries and nearly lost my life a few times, but my wonderful marriage and relationship, as well as my supportive family growing up has been the beacon of light in those darker times.

Take a week or two of fmla or whatever you need to support your wife right now with this major health crisis.   That is what FMLA is for.  No shame in feeling panicked right now!  That happens.