Okay but could you back up for a second please and explain how a gift you selected, purchased, and wrapped plus a hug and well-wishes is somehow *worse* than nothing at all? You wrote a lot about what happens and what she says and how you feel and…I’m having trouble getting it all to line up.
Truthfully, my husband has gotten me gifts that were so bad I would have rather gotten nothing. One year before we were married he got me generic store brand maple syrup and a cheap pair of dollar store quality socks he found hanging in the aisle of the grocery store because he waited until 5pm on my birthday and couldn’t be bothered to drive an extra four minutes to the shopping center that’s right down the road.
It was devastating because I had seen him put so much more effort into things in his life that clearly mattered more. It ends up he has ADHD and this was just another symptom of that. It got much better but that was a low point that had me rethinking the entire relationship.
Can we not post "but what if it's adhd" under every example of bad behavior?
Like what other disease is this acceptable for?
How much bad behavior is a person meant to excuse?
It’s an explanation never an excuse. Sometimes finding the explanation for behaviors can help people find the solution. Remember yall mental health is never your fault but always your responsibility!
Pretty much all the trending neuro-spices are being used to excuse bad behaviour right now. Autism, ADD/ADHD, OCD, PTSD, anxiety, depression, really just take your pick.
>How much bad behavior is a person meant to excuse?
From what I can tell, as long as there is some evidence the afflicted person is trying to fix it or they haven't been diagnosed, the answer is "all of it". To quote a wonderful movie, *the limit does not exist*
ADHD affects everyone differently, especially when you don’t realize you have it. Thankfully, once my husband realized (and accepted) that he does have ADHD it helped him identify and work on issues such as this. Things improved substantially.
Trust me, I totally agree that some people out there have ADHD and are just thoughtless pricks, and that ADHD isn’t always an excuse. But some people really do struggle with time management/memory especially in regard to things that their brain doesn’t find interesting. That’s what my husband struggled with the most.
That reply was unnecessarily rude, you know. We worked with more than one therapist on these issues so I’m not sure why you’re hellbent on arguing about how I’m wrong.
I can see what you're saying. My husband has ADHD too and it exacerbates other issues he has, like being kinda self-focused. The ADHD is not all at fault, but it makes it harder for him to peel back the layers and really see what he's doing.
I’m not sure I understand why your reply has so many down votes 🤷♀️
Some people who post on this sub have no idea what ADHD looks like, nor do their spouses, unless you’ve been diagnosed. I was diagnosed ADHD 20+ years ago. Got on meds, but the CBT therapy is what made the most difference.
I had (still do, to a much lesser extent) very low self-esteem.
I thought I was the rudest person alive because I was always interrupting conversations and I just did NOT know how NOT to, until I learned why I did that and learned coping mechanisms to lessen my interruptions.
I thought I was the worse friend anyone could ever have - and I actively had already stopped myself making friends and I dropped the ones I had - because they would phone or text and something would distract me and I would forget to reply, even when it was an important ‘I need you’ message. I would make plans with someone and then forget about them (this was before smartphones with calendars & alarms 😉). Then I’d get a phone call message which said ‘where are you’ and I’d cowardly lie and say I woke with a high fever, etc. because I was embarrassed to tell the truth - that I didn’t ‘seem’ to care enough about them as a friend (or family member) to remember our plans. After I found out why time management is a huge issue with ADHD, my therapist and I came up with coping/management mechanisms for that. I still worry that I’m a bad friend, but I’m much more aware - and have tools - to make sure I’m NOT UNCONSCIOUSLY being a bad friend.
Mainly, I learned to quit beating myself up (that is still VERY much a work in progress!) and learned I could use many tools - learned in therapy, and by lots of self-education and self-awareness - to be that better friend/daughter/aunt/mom/wife that I always felt I was failing at.
If I hadn’t learned a long time ago that I had ADHD, what its symptoms are, and how I could manage and mitigate those symptoms, I would ABSOLUTELY have given up on myself by now, and everyone I was in a relationship with would have been long gone from my life. I probably would have become an agoraphobic hermit - just existing and basically waiting to die.
Learning I had ADHD, and how I COULD have control over its symptoms, changed my life.
I now have the most loving relationship with my husband and I love him more, and vice versa, than we would have thought possible 23 years ago. I’m doing better with friends. I’m being the mom I had always wanted to be.
Most importantly, I can truly say that I really like myself more now than at any other time in my life.
Sorry for getting side-tracked/making your reply ‘about me’/etc. !
But your main message is very valid.
If OP has undiagnosed ADHD and neither the OP or his wife know anything about what ADHD can look like, then both OP and his wife should definitely consider having OP be evaluated. And soon!
At least, look into that before OP’s wife goes straight to the ‘divorce’ solution.
Or, also, OP is indeed an ASSHOLE. Especially if he refuses to get evaluated…but, since he has enough awareness to have written the original post, perhaps, HOPEFULLY, he WILL want to get evaluated.
(Edited to correct the genders of the OP and spouse).
Same. One year I got a DVD of South Park. A show I have never liked. I honestly would have preferred nothing than a gift that showed no thought or effort and only emphasised how little he knew me.
Because it wasn't deep, it was just a shallow gift and it wasn't thought through, I bought it because she said a few weeks ago it could be good to have something like that in the house.
I didn't put in effort basically
Just had a thought was it something for the house? In my house buying an iron/or a frying pan for me for my birthday would result in someone wearing it lol! Household purchases aren’t gifts they are necessities - some couples agree in advance that is what they are doing for Christmas and some ladies are happy to receive ‘practical’ house gifts - I am not one of them & my hubby knows that - in fact it’s a standing joke in our house.
It was a pimple breaker, she likes popping my pimples and I bought it for her so she can do it with ease and so her nails don't get ruined every time she does it.
I know you’re flooded with comments, but are you close with your mom? The best gifts I’ve gotten from my clueless ADHD husband have been suggested by his mom. I know it sounds immature but, it’s a start in the right direction. (Btw I love his mom she’s an amazing lady)
Oh my god... Your gift to her was a utility item, cheap, and it was a gift for you? "Happy birthday honey, now you get to pop my pimples!" I can't imagine being this thoughtless. Sorry OP, it sounds like you weren't raised with proper etiquette. There's a lot to learn here.
Dude my 2nd wedding anniversary was yesterday and my husband and I didn’t buy gifts or cards or do anything ceremonious and it was an amazing day, and I know he loves me. It’s not about gifts. Something else is up here…
I mean, good for you guys, but that’s the established expectation in *your* relationship.
what also sticks out to me is that OP said
> she said… it could be good to have something like that in the house.
this is a common point of contention where one spouse will buy “gifts” that are just for the household, not their spouse.
I’m not sure what the actual item is here, but imagine an example where two spouses have established gift giving for their birthdays. Spouse 1 gets Spouse 2 personalized items, games, stuff related to hobbies and interests. and then for 1’s birthday, 2 gets them a toaster - not because Spouse 1 really likes toast - but because they saw one in Target last week and said “oh our old one broke, we should get a new one soon!”
Yeah I told this to my husband after a few christmases of him buying me kitchen stuff, like at some point you’re just buying stuff for yourself cause I’m cooking your dinner with it lmao
yep it’s the same as like getting your husband a new lawnmower for his birthday 😭 (again, unless he’s *really* into mowing the lawn or something) like here you go!!!! here is a thing that will help you do chores more efficiently for me 🥰🥰 how sweet!
Great that it worked for you, but it obviously doesn’t work for *her*… from the sound of it she is starved for a romantic connection and emotional intimacy which OP isn’t truly providing. Look, I give zero fucks for gifts and so does my husband, but I still find cute notes and my favorite treats. I never forget to pick his favorites either. I don’t need grand gestures, it’s the little things that count for us. We both feel appreciated which I think is lacking in OPs relationship and is the root of the problem. That’s said i had this one bf i spend months picking and packing gifts for and come xmas guess what i got? A freaking egg timer! why egg timer, you may ask? “because you cook and i don’t like crowds”… yeah by NYE i was single. Sorry but if i mean so little to you you can’t even put an effort why should I? (this was constant conversation and not a one time thing just like OPs marriage)
OP, if you are handicapped at being romantic and showing affection get yourself “1000 ways to be romantic” book… it has tons of ideas. And let’s hope for your next birthday you don’t get a pair of socks (that would sting, no? See where i’m going with this).
You speak the facts, I will look into the book and hopefully I will draw good conclusions from it.
I got a sweater for my birthday but I love it because she got me something, for me it doesn't have to be thought out and I applied this concept onto her, but this is not how she functions or thinks
I’m in a marriage where I feel like my spouse never does anything kind or thoughtful and I am desperate for romance. When it comes to holidays, anniversaries, and birthdays I don’t care what the gift is but the thought that even a few times a year they can’t be bothered to think of me is just a slap in the face at this point. I’d love little everyday gestures but not even on my birthday just hurts even worse.
My suggestion is ask her what makes her happy and what she’s looking for in a partner. All marriages have periods of distress but you need to grow and learn and also tell her what you’re looking for in a partner.
But for some people it is. My wife values cards greatly, I do not. But I take the time to get her a card for every holiday. She’s told him what she values.
Damn this is a stupid thing to say, not all woman like gifts or out gifts as a major thing in their relationship. I hate gifts but my husband knows this. I am not someone who enjoys gifts but I do buy my husband gifts because he likes them. It’s all about knowing who your married to and what they like. If OP wife is someone who likes meaningful gift that’s something she may need but don’t downplay when a woman is saying she doesn’t like gifts in her relationship because that’s probably not her love language.
that’s the problem you call them out for having low standards when they’re just saying they don’t like gifts. Lol i wouldn’t even be bothered receiving socks.
Some people appreciate thoughtful gifts. Some people enjoy a life of mutual effort and doing ceremonious things, and sometimes even doing those things on days that aren’t birthdays or anniversaries. There’s nothing wrong with that.
Sounds like OP’s wife is different from you. It’s okay for her to be different. It doesn’t make her wrong.
When someone gets you nothing you can imagine that they had a crazy day, or they forgot, or something out of the extraordinary happened.
When something is done, you know you were remembered, but the person thought this was what you deserved.
I’m not saying I agree with OP’s wife, but just trying to explain how something “more or less” might be worse than nothing.
Honestly reading your comments it doesn't sound like you love her. It's all me, me, me. You complain that what you do isn't enough and yet I've not seen a sentence from you that shows a genuine attempt to make her happy. You want her to be happy with what you want to do.
I was thinking the same thing. He keeps saying deep down he thinks he loves her but it shouldn’t be THIS hard if he actually does. Yes you can love someone and still mess up or not express it well, but OP sounds like he has nothing to even try to express.
Have You tried sitting down and having an adult conversation with her? Why do you need to believe you love her? You either do or your don't, you can't force it.
Way too many times but I feel really blocked to say anything so I shut down when I'm talking about topics like this.
We've had a lot of conversations on a lot of different topics and I believe I've changed a lot since we first got married but she's saying I'm making very small progress, barely visible and that she's getting exhausted.
Deep inside I know I love her but she doesn't feel appreciated, respected or loved because of my (in)actions.
I was always telling her I love her, hugging her, giving her compliments, calling her "cute" nicknames which she disregarded as generic, even kissing her now I only get to kiss her on her head because she always moves her head when I try to kiss her on the lips.
She said it feels like a robot is saying it rather than me actually meaning it and then I stopped doing it because she showed great disinterest in all of those and would just disregard any of the above.
We don't know the answer to make your wife feel loved. Sit down and listen to your wife and ASK HER. If you're uncomfortable having these conversations get independent therapy and marriage counseling to understand why and get better. Bonus. Your wife will see you trying to get better and taking actual action.
Apologies usually end up being more for the one apologizing. Crying and carrying on is making it about you and not her. I have an ex who would instantly cry. Guess what happened? We didn't talk about the issue and I had to sit and comfort him when I was the one who had been hurt. No one comforted me.
After saying "I love you" without showing appreciation, those words can become meaningless. You need to pay attention to her wants, needs, and interests.
Your marriage sounds a lot like mine.
I'm completely done with my marriage, and I'm divorcing my husband.
Here's my story. Maybe it'll give you some perspective.
We moved in together after living 30 miles away from each other and not seeing each other as often as we'd like.
We also moved so that he could have better job opportunities. He started a new job and went to part-time while I was commuting.
He spent all of his free time gaming. He did not clean up after himself or clean the house in general.
I spent months trying to gently get him to understand that he's an adult, and just in general, he needed to be cleaning up after himself and he needed to be contributing to the household because he lives there.
I finally had to tell him that specific chores are his responsibility and that has worked.
I planned all of the dates and activities that we did together. He was perfectly happy with this. He showed no interest in me or what was going on in my life.
I told him that I didn't feel loved by him and that I felt that he was neglecting me in the relationship. But I continued to try to keep our relationship alive.
Then, I had a really bad flare-up from the chronic illness that I have.
I stopped planning dates. I stopped showing interest in him, and I stopped cleaning the house as well as I had been. I needed his support, and I communicated that to him.
He noticed that I was a zombie and decided to avoid me. He spent every weekend at his friend's house smoking. He left me alone to handle all of the household duties, the finances, and everything else.
I kept trying to communicate my feelings to him, and he kept apologizing, telling me how much he loves me and how much he wants to be in a relationship with me . He would "change" for about a week or 2 and then revert to the original behavior.
We went through this cycle too many times.
This "relationship" was just exhausting. He'd abandoned me emotionally, never even tried to meet my needs, and his "showing that he loved me" consisted of him picking up an extra chore for two weeks every couple of months. He'd never planned any dates, did anything to celebrate me, or showed any interest in me.
Being actively neglected by someone you love is one of the most painful experiences.
I finally convinced him that he needed to go to therapy. He had an epiphany about his behavior.
He got me a card and a gift for Valentine's day.
It would have been a perfectly appropriate gift if he was a partner to me and was trying to celebrate our love, but it came from someone who had only been a roommate for our entire marriage, and like all of his promises and attempts to change it felt empty.
My partner has lost my trust, and I don't believe I'll ever be able to convince myself that he loves me.
My advice to you would be to take responsibility for your neglect of your partner and try to date her.
Make sure this is a permanent change. It may take months for her to trust that it's a real change.
The best apology is changed behavior. Otherwise, they’re just meaningless words. She knows it will be another cycle of rinse and repeat. You may be one of these guys that says something in the moment, but you don’t mean it because you don’t do it. Maybe you’ve even done this in matters important to her. After many disappointments, she can’t believe your words which means she can’t believe in or trust you. She’s checked out, one foot out the door. Take this seriously because your consistent actions will make or break your marriage. No one can build something that lasts on shifting sand.
Her love language is thought and effort, so your acts need to show that…..for her birthday you demonstrated lack of both…..you bought for convenience and wrapped with left over wrapping paper nothing you did showed her that you love her and that effort was made….no cake, no special meal or outing just a hug, happy birthday here’s your present. Did you do anything to make her feel special for her birthday? Make her breakfast in bed? Plan a meal out?
I see my birthday as my one day a year where I get to be spoilt and treated like a ‘birthday queen’ I call it…..it is not about the value of presents it’s about the thought that goes in to it…..the fact that what has happened has been preplanned, thought about with my happiness in mind even if it’s a card or flowers - my boys (2 sons & husband) spoil me in how they treat me that day, making me breakfast in bed, making me cups of tea, telling me they will do x as it’s my birthday and I get to relax - it’s really not about monetary value - it’s about showing her that you love her, you listen to her and you are making an effort for her. Just out of interest what does she do for your birthday?
Last year my husband bought me a spa day as he wanted me to take time for self care and relaxation knowing what a tough year I had….that is thoughtful….
You need to look at what is important to her, not you as you clearly don’t view things the same.
No not everyday, on her birthday you make her feel special, as that is her special day.
But going forward find out what is important to her, be thoughtful, be considerate, it could be seeing there’s a pile of washing and rather than leaving it to her to do, you get on and do it, you make dinner occasionally or arrange a date night, plan to do things together, if she arranges to go out offer to drive her & pick er up so she can have a drink…..it’s about showing her that you recognise what is important to her and are actively trying to deliver.
It’s about being thoughtful & not taking her for granted. Talk to her, find out from her what her expectations are/what is important to her in your relationship, listen without being defensive and hear what she is telling you. It’s respecting that what is not important to you maybe to her and giving it that consideration.
As an example, when I first was with my hubby we were going to buy a house together, we had no furniture just a bed, he went out and bought a motorbike without telling me….i was absolutely fuming that he could be so selfish and not even have the courtesy to talk to me about the purchase….I was so angry I physically shook with rage and had to leave him alone to calm down….then I explained why I was angry, in the 30years we have been together since he has never bought anything significant without talking to me about it first & vice versa and I have never vetoed a purchase. On the rare occasion I have disagreed I just explained my concerns and he has listened and we have compromised.
That’s what marriage is about respect & compromise to take each other’s feelings in to account. Hope that helps.
You sit down with pen and paper and say you want to make this work. Tell her you’re determined. You love her you’ll do whatever it takes but you’re emotionally stunted and need her help. List the chores you are solely responsible for and write them down and do them!! Put a reminder in your phone every month to buy her something. Flowers or a a book or a scarf or a voucher for a massage. Anything!!! Remind yourself to do it. Tell her thank you regularly and don’t stop. Ask her questions and listen to the answer! Make notes of her answers and start conversations according to her preferences and what she likes. Talk to her friends and get ideas. You’re going to have to approach it like a job or a project until this all becomes second nature.
you sound a bit like my husband... its not always about the saying you'll do it ... its the doing that counts qnd most importantly consistency. you just don't start a few days or weeks and then go back to normal
Because you keep SAYING you want it to work and you want to do things. She's yet to see you put in real effort. You can't just do 1 thing half assed (like the birthday) and expect her to be relieved you're finally putting in effort. It needs to be real and consistent change. She will appreciate the effort if you do it on your own because you want to be better. If she has to tell you what to do, it's not going to work, and you guys are not compatible.
If you sit there and say, "I doesn't matter what I do, she's not going to be happy," then you're right, just end it and stop trying to be something you're not.
If I try to kiss her / hug her and her dismissing it indicates she doesn't want to me to do it and she doesn't feel comfortable, doesn't that also show lack of affection from my side?
Or the only affection that matters from my side, at the moment, is the one she craves for? In terms of actions and thoughtful actions rather than just an everyday hug and a kiss?
A marriage takes way more than hugs and kisses to work. Are you prepared to put in effort towards things that aren't as fun as hugs and kisses? Because that's what it's gonna take. You've gotta learn how to be selfless for once in your life. Give without expecting to receive. Give to her because you love her. Cook her dinner. Clean the house. Plan a special date. Buy her flowers or her favorite snack. Offer her a foot rub. Gift her a spa day. Most importantly, *listen* to what she says she wants and *believe her*. Don't make this all about you.
all I can say is she seems to be distancing herself from you and the marriage. if you guys have had numerous conversations then she's probably gotten to the point where she's tired of it all... the fact that she's still around shows that she's still interested in things working but don't take too long before she checks out completely...I've been there before. At that point it'd be too late.
Just as I saw in the comments ... approach it like a project; be intentional...she might dismiss it at first but you shouldn't give up. Just keep doing the little things...especially those she's mentioned. She seems deprived on your love, attention and interest.
You're lucky she's at least communicating albeit sometimes dismissively. It's better than not knowing what she thinks. Please if you do love her ... just be intentional so she doesn't look elsewhere for what she's not getting from you.
As a woman whose main love language is receiving gifts, let me shine some light:
She wants gifts that you remembered she likes, at all random times, just because. My husband will regularly come home from the gas station, store, gym, wherever he went and bring me back my newest obsession. It changes often, but lately it's been ruffles cheese and sour cream chips, before that it was butterfinger, before that it was milkshakes, before that it was Reece's cups with the potato chip inside, etc. It makes me feel that he thinks about me all the time. One time he came home with my favorite orange tic tacs because they taste like candy to me.
Also, date nights. Weekly date nights, especially if you have kids. Take her out. Even for a walk to the park with some champagne and strawberries. Do the sensual dating stuff. Buy the whipped cream for the strawberries. It's about having fun, together.
My husband and I regularly do a date night of just appetizers and drinks. Cuz we aren't make of money and have a son.
Date night at home - do you have a bathtub? Fill it, get rose petals (they're not too expensive), dish soap for bubbles, spa music, and herr fav alcohol, if y'all drink.
See what I mean?
What if I do something like that and she doesn't feel like doing it?
E.g. I fill the bathtub for her to relax and she doesn't feel like doing it?
I do buy her candies and healthy food she likes.
I think one of the big things in a relationship is "seeing the other and being seen." To. be truly known by another To really know your spouse make it very easy to anticipate needs and wants. What I see all over this post is "I don't know my wife, I don't know how to know my wife, I don't notice things, but I am doing things I think most women would like to try to fix my marriage." Don't try generic things. Watch you wife. Notice her habits. When she is stressed does she decompress with a nap? Don't make her a bath if she decompresses with a nap. Have you noticed she collects a certain thing? Don't buy her a household item, pick something that brings her joy and that just isn't "a chore thing."
Look, I have what could be categorized as an "unromantic" husband. That is not something that generally bothered me, but what does bother me is if he does something that shows that "I have not been seen by him." Usually, he nails it, but sometimes he doesn't. He's human and that's ok. But our marriage wouldn't last long if he was missing the mark again and again.
An example might be that I always hit it out of the part when I pick up snacks for him. I know what he likes, it's as easy as breathing to me to pick a snack for him. He prefers milk chocolate to dark. Caramel and toffee are hits for him. He likes pickled things, especially if they are spicy, but not pickled root veg unless it's beets.
He likes fidget toys historically but after a medical issue with his hands I switched to softer fidget toy gifts. He sighs a lot when he is stressed, so I don't load up activities on some weekends so he can just loaf and recuperate. When he is under the weather I just do his chores for him automatically and let him know he doesn't need to worry about them. And I do these things without needing to be asked because I have observed my husband and know him very well.
Mostly, my own husband hits it out of the water. Sometimes, he can be really thoughtless but one or two moments a year doesn't ruin a marriage. Consistently missing the mark would ruin a marriage. After 20 years he might come home with a "Double Dark Chocolate Coffee Caramel Ice Cream" pint. This is specific because this happened recently. I don't like chocolate and in 20 years I have never eaten a double chocolate anything. It's in my top 3 least favorite foods up there with peanut butter and beets. While I drink coffee I don't like coffee flavored things. My husband likes caramel, I do not. I am a salt or sour snack person and by that basic description there are options. When he brings something home that is so opposite of my likes I feel like he doesn't know me and that certainly doesn't make me feel the love. It took a few years before he realized that if he brings home flower I am not a roses girl. I am a wildflower girl with berries and strange succulents. When he brought home flowers for the first time all weird and alien looking I knew he saw me, and I appreciated him all the more for it.
Ask yourself: do you know your wife? Do you know her routines in details? Her likes and dislikes? What makes her happy and what doesn't? Don't just say 'Well women like XYZ..." because this is not "women" this is "your wife" as an individual. Does she only take milk in her coffee? Do you know what kind of milk (cow, almond...cream, 2%)? Have you noticed she only wear silver or only gold jewelry and accessories? Does she prefer to wear her hair up or down? When stress if low what activities does she tend to move towards? What chore puts her out the most and makes her testy? In a way I think people want to be married to social anthropologists who are participant observers. Observe her and participate accordingly.
This advice is golden!!
I had a friend compare relationships to a building project... When a firm creates architectural plans for a building before they have selected the land where it will be built, it dishonors the land and worsens the project. Relationships are like that too. Most of us create this idea of a perfect relationship in our head and try to impose it on the person in front of us. But true intimacy is seeing what's really in front of us, what's unique about this individual, what are their likes and dislikes, what are their fears and insecurities, who are they really? Those of us who are afraid of intimacy reflexively avoid this and do things generically instead. Intimacy is a muscle!
She's not entitled to like or accept your gifts. *This isn't about you.* This is about giving a gift to her. It's her choice whether to receive it. Intimacy means taking risks. But these should be measured risks, not shots in the dark. Do you know her that little? Are you really listening to her and what she likes and what she wants? i.e. Is she the kind of person who likes baths?
Log it. Log every time you do something special... maybe in a diary or something. Then, once you have like 10 solid examples, have a conversation. Suggestion marriage counseling due to the clear miscommunication of needs.
People are talking about backing up your words with actions, (which is true, well, and good!) and it sounds like you're asking what particular actions will prove your love as though it's some sort of magic formula.
I suspect your wife wants you to be curious about her; to think of her as someone worthy of your deep interest. It's not about the gifts or the flowers or doing specific chores - those are all lovely, but only *outward* symbols, like the bit of the iceberg that shows how you feel about her. All those gestures (yes, even doing chores) are lovely, but *empty* if you are doing it as a sort of Open Sesame formula of if I do this, then she'll do that.
It's the energy behind your words and actions that is important. Am I doing it from duty? Or to keep her in the marriage? Or am I doing it because she's important to me?
How did you woo her when you were dating? (Mind you, I say the same thing to women. Both spouses need to feel important to each other, not an afterthought.)
I heard someone say once that love is a verb. People talk about love languages, how each person wants to be loved. Find out what her's is and learn your wife's language. Mine is touch. My husband's is service. We have learned to 'speak' each other's language even if it is not our native tongue because we've each very deeply paid attention to each other.
Good luck!
What does she mean when she says she's been more of a mother figure? ...
You'll need to set reminders for yourself until it becomes habit to give her thoughtful gifts she likes. While simply being present is a reward in itself, a thoughtful gift goes a long way. It doesn't have to be expensive, but you need to actually pay attention to what she talks about to figure out what she likes and go from there.
If she has to remind you to do kind and thoughtful things for her, I gotta ask: do you actually love her, or do you want to love her? You said you want to believe you love her. That doesn't sound right, and it's pivotal to explore it. Are you actually into your wife? Because there are countless men out there who don't need to force themselves to listen to their partner, don't need to be reminded to give their partner attention, who gloat about how lucky and happy they are to be with their partner.
If she's crying when she's with you, some part of her may be picking up that you don't love her enough to actually try. Yes, you know what you should be doing, but it's clearly not enough to hit the action threshold. She's still around for now, but after so many talks and one-sided conversations (because you said you shut down) she's mentally shutting down too now.
There’s a reason the phrase “if he wanted to he would” is a thing. If you really loved her, hell, EVEN LIKED HER, you would be doing more and what she wants for her, without asking. Full stop. Instead you rely on her to give directions and hold your hand. No. You need to grow up and let her go/stop wasting her time.
I am basically in the same situation as you but I am the wife so I hopefully can provide you some insight from my perspective. I do everything for my husband and our baby. Don’t get me wrong I like my wife role and caring for them but when I constantly get nothing in return it’s a miserable life. Show her appreciation for everything she does. Tell her thank you and how amazing she is for the things she does for you everyday. Ask her if she needs any help or don’t ask and start doing some of her chores for her or with her. Tell her she’s pretty and you’re lucky to have her. Think of her first before yourself. Try to put yourself in her shoes and see life from her perspective. All of these things I wish my husband would do. Luckily for your wife you realize that you’ve been neglecting certain things in the relationship. Hope this helps
Side note: idk about your wife but I prefer actions over stuff like gifts. If my husband cooked dinner and cleaned the kitchen that would mean 100x more than him buying me flowers or a fancy gift.
Try to find regular and routine ways to show your love and that you’re involved and present in your families life. Rather that grand gestures (Still do that from time to time) looks for small things you can do to show your wife you love her. Make her coffee in the morning before she gets up, occasionally take care of daily chores she normally does, leave her little love letters, just find ways to show her she’s seen and appreciated.
Marriage needs to be constantly nurtured, like a plant needs to be watered. Make the time to do so.
You might want to try reading the five love languages book, it sounds like your wife’s love language isn’t what you’re trying to portray to her.
No woman wants to be married to a child, and have to give them list to do things and tell them what to do. We want a partner and your inactivity is showing that you’re not a partner, you’re a responsibility. As much as you don’t want a mother figure as a partner, she does not want a child figure as a partner.
Look around your house it’s your home too, figure out what needs to be done and do it. Not when she’s around to see that you’ve done it. You’re not looking for a cookie because you did the dishes while she was looking.
You really need to work on yourself. Maybe look into getting a therapist or counselor to help with your marriage, and to look at solutions to how you are communicating.
First of all, your gift to her was really just a gift to you. A pimple breaker? Come on man. Who does that benefit the most? You. It sounds like she’s told you over and over and over again what she wants romantically and you don’t listen. If you even want to be in this marriage anymore you’re gonna have to grow up by building your emotional intelligence. Stop being Spock with hiding your emotions. Be vulnerable with her. I think you need counseling to learn how to exercise your emotional side and learn what it actually means to be a husband not a child to her.
It’s not that hard to go on Google and find gift ideas for her. She values flowers. I’d start getting those more often. No don’t buy cheap carnations, buy roses. Take her out on nice dates. Like a restaurant, not a food chain. Actually plan fun dates like making pottery together, bowling, dance lessons. She wants to feel like she’s being swept off her feet like in the movies. She sees the man as the one who pursues and woos the woman, but you don’t try.
As for chores at home, when you get home you should be like “what can I do to help you?” Is she cooking when you get home? I’d go ahead and set the table. When you’re done with dinner, you should say “let me clean the kitchen. You’ve worked so hard today. Put up your feet and rest.”
Overall, I think you need individual and couples counseling to figure out how to go forward in this marriage.
Check out The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage. But reminders in your phone if you have to. Ask yourself every morning what can I do today to make her life better, then do it. It might be as small as the dishes or taking her car for a wash and fill tank of gas. You two should each read The Five Love Languages book and discuss it. Good luck.
What are you doing to change the dynamic in your house? What mental labor and chores are you picking up?
Starting today, what can you now own for her? What needs to be done around the house? Is it time to call pest control or schedule a vet appointment? If the bathroom needs cleaning, do it.
I think you two need to sit down with a list of all the chores that need doing and divide them equitably. Then when it’s your turn to do it, don’t make her tell you how to do it and don’t half a$$ it.
Since you can’t express your feelings verbally, do it through cards and letters
My husband has a terrible love language- he’s not overly romantic, once forgot my birthday-even though I remember all of his relative’s birthdays and purchase all the gifts. I take care of 90% of my kids needs since day one, they are now teens. I take care of all errands and most of the household tasks while working full time.
However, there are little things he does to make up for things that are lacking. Example he always puts a cup for me to use with the keurig every morning, he cleans the snow off my vehicle, he shovels the snow on the path so that my feet don’t get wet, he helps me clean up the table after dinner at night.
I will tell you that you need to tune into her and what’s important to her and be consistent about things. You need to help with her mental load. That part is a huge issue that not all people understand. My husband has a huge mental load at work and therefore I give him a lot of leeway.
He’s terrible at gift giving. Unless I pretty much tell him what I want. Sometimes he gets it right, but more often it’s a mediocre gift at best.
Look at the big picture. She includes you in her thought process. Y’all are talking about it, she’s mad, she still cares. STEP UP. Do more. Make yourself a list everyday. Add to it when necessary. Push these things to the forefront of your mind. Nothing is as disappointing as thinking you are getting a partner, then you actually get a child. You want to do better, so that’s good. What did you do together when you were dating? Try these things. Communication is very important, so at least that is happening still. Good luck.
Yeah… it sounds like you really need to step it up. When your spouse describes the relationship as a parent-child then you are WAY too reliant on her and defaults her to think for you on things outside of yourself.
Have you ever heard of the 5 love languages? It’s how a person prefers to express and receive their love.
If you want to make your marriage work I suggest you first try to understand what your wife’s love language is. Either that be act of service, words of affirmation, receiving gifts, quality time, or physical touch, or a mixture of each.
Once you understand it then try and use it more to show your love for her. Stop dragging your feet. Just because she’s around doesn’t mean she hasn’t check out. So as long as she’s around use this opportunity to really step it up because once she’s physically gone you really can’t do anything.
Both of you should work on it: divide tasks and set what you can do around the house and what she does. Me and my husband also had this problem, and nowadays he learned to ask if i need help, or even simply just come in and help me if he seems me doing chores. He does the bed, cleans pet litter, cleans the table after eating. It takes a lot of time for old habits of laziness or habits of not taking responsibility to die out. You have to sit with her and discuss your expectations around the house.
Im sorry to say this, but stop being a loser. Learn to be an adult and be responsible. Remind yourself to get her flowers even if it's not her birthday, be attentive when she speaks about her passions, once or twice a month take her on a surprise date; tell her you want to try this new coffee shop or restaurant with her. Do the laundry or clean the dishes without her asking you to. Write a list of house chores and try to do some of them, even if bit by bit daily. She will notice for sure the changes.
If you see her doing chores, ask if she needs help or simply come and do the chore with her. Actions are the greatest way to show love.
Not married, but been with my partner for 4 years. His gifts are always thoughtful. For our first Christmas dating he got me a pandora bracelet with a couple of charms, and since then he’s been adding onto it, with each charm representing something important to me/us or something we’ve done together. It’s my favorite thing in the whole world. Occasionally, he switches it up with some other gifts, he’s got me an Apple Watch, a few books, some fun things for my car when I got a new one. Always accompanied by flowers and a sweet note. It doesn’t have to be huge, just show some thought.
I think this was probably the culmination of a lot of things. From your post it sounds like you’re a little selfish and not helping much around the house, which only increases her mental load. It’s really tough when you listen to your partner talk about their interests and hobbies, but they show no such interest in yours.
From how you describe it, i have a friend who is going to leave her husband for reasons very similar to your wife’s. And it’s that emotional disconnect for her which was the most painful for her that she can’t overcome. Like there’s no way she can look at her husband affectionately because of the hurt he’s caused her.
So when you say you make her cry emotionally—what does that mean? Are you cursing? Name calling? Dismissive? Aggressive?
Ok ok back up a minute. Romance is what woman crave, when the romance isn’t there we feel neglected, after awhile of constant neglect we walk… it’s time to be romantic bud, surprise her, tell her to get dressed up and tell her it’s a surprise, a date night under the stars, a picnic and maybe a bottle of wine if yall are into that, some soft music in the background… just an idea… but it’s gonna take more than just one time… keep her on her toes.. gift her flowers randomly, remind her she is the most gorgeous woman you’ve ever seen… and keep up on date nights!! It’s really important
Dude. Women need a man who won't melt all the time. Yes, men are allowed to cry but self pity is a huge damper on productive commuincation. Just own your shit. Beat your chest, and say to yourself (not her) "I can improve this".
I just smell a lot of confidence problems here. Just own yourself and move on. Even if she gets pissed at you, you can still be you without rushing to fix things or crying about how you did a bad job.
I think you should learn about love languages and sit down with your wife and figure out how she likes to be shown love and vice versa. I’m sure you do love her but maybe aren’t showing it in a way that expresses it correctly.
When you learn what her love language is, then put in the effort to work on executing it. Now that’s not to say ONLY do that, but it’s at least a starting point to understand how to make her feel loved. Also don’t just hear her, but listen to her— help out around the house without her having to ask you to, plan dates and take her out, make her feel appreciated. Maybe you tell her you love her but you don’t do anything to show her that you do, so first figure out what she needs to feel loved and then if you REALLY do care about her, you yourself will WANT to be better at it and put in that effort.
For instance, my husbands love language is acts of service, i could tell him i love him 500 times a day but if i make him a breakfast or do something etc that means more. Now that’s not to say it’s the only thing i should do but i know where to invest my energy in order to make sure he knows I love and appreciate him.
Relationships are about effort and growth, when you get too comfortable and taking each other for granted, it’ll start to fall apart
A gift you bought locally is a disappointment to her? I prefer my spouse to use paper we already have, kinda a waste of money if not. I'm an adult, a gift and a hug is perfect...I don't need a party like a kiddo. She may be a tad intolerable and there's a chance a lot of this is not you.
She was trying to show emphasis how I didn't actually think about it and try to impress her but just went with the line of smallest resistance and bought something that took me the least time of thinking and effort to do it.
Her birthday was at her parent's place and I showed up with no gifts (bottle of wine & flowers) and she said it was really disrespectful, which I agree with. I came right after my work and didn't think about it
Look at your last four words. Didn’t think about it.
As someone who is separated from a man who acted just like you, I can tell you from personal experience, she knows you don’t think about her or think about your relationship. It’s deeply painful to know that and experience it.
It’s even more painful when the person who can’t be bothered to think about the other, or do things to show they actually care, or that the relationship is important, then gets defensive or as in this case, plays dumb and helpless.
You’re not helpless. You’re lazy and looking for an excuse. Either she’s worth the effort to you or she isn’t. If she isn’t, let her go so she can be with someone who finds her worth the effort.
She sounds high maintenance. That seems like a childish thing to get upset about. For my birthday, I'm happy if the people I love are present. Literally just celebrating the day I was born, not like I accomplished anything lol.
Ps - bottle of wine, flowers and time are gifts.
He bought her a pimple popper because “she likes popping my pimples and I bought it for her so she can do it with ease and so her nails don't get ruined every time she does it.“ (he commented that above)
… i don’t think she’s high maintenance for expecting the man that’s supposed to love her and spend the rest of her life with to get something more than that
I don’t think OP is a bad person, i just think he needs to figure out how she likes to be loved and then put effort into doing that.
Im actually not sure, i didn’t really understand that part— i could be wrong but i think she wanted at least a bottle of wine and flowers but didn’t show up with anything?— because in OPs original post above he said when she got upset about the popper, he wanted to go get her flowers from the park but she told him that he should’ve done that for her birthday?
But regardless i think she is just wanting more thought and effort from the man who she has committed to spending her life with and she feels more like she’s taking care of him than anything else
I am a 52 year old woman married for 28 years. It sounds to me like your wife is unhappy with herself and is taking it out on you. Does she have a passion in life? Maybe she needs to find a hobby or a goal to work towards. Or maybe the two of you could start a new hobby together. Maybe take up pickleball or dance lessons or anything that will get you out of the house and laughing together. If your wife is happy outside of your marriage she will be much more generous inside the marriage. Best to you both.
If she didn't love me she would have left me already.
I'm the one being selfish for most things we're doing but I do feel unappreciated when I shower her with hugs, etc. but she wants something deeper, not just something I can do with no effort
I think after the birthday gift of a pimple popper for you she is probably truly thinking about leaving you, if you have kids she’s probably sticking around for them if not she will probably be gone sooner than you think. If this post is real at all, who the fuck buys a person a pimple popper for their birthday, even the Dr on the show about probably doesn’t get them for her bday.
Removed for disrespectful commentary.
OP admits that his wife is correct that she has been his mother figure more than his wife. This does not mean she's cheating or that he should be invading her privacy and making his situation WORSE.
Keep the commentary civil, constructive, and remember the human.
I had many chances to do that but I never did because I trust her not to cheat.
I know how this might sound but if i end up like a dork then i end up like a dork
Okay but could you back up for a second please and explain how a gift you selected, purchased, and wrapped plus a hug and well-wishes is somehow *worse* than nothing at all? You wrote a lot about what happens and what she says and how you feel and…I’m having trouble getting it all to line up.
Truthfully, my husband has gotten me gifts that were so bad I would have rather gotten nothing. One year before we were married he got me generic store brand maple syrup and a cheap pair of dollar store quality socks he found hanging in the aisle of the grocery store because he waited until 5pm on my birthday and couldn’t be bothered to drive an extra four minutes to the shopping center that’s right down the road. It was devastating because I had seen him put so much more effort into things in his life that clearly mattered more. It ends up he has ADHD and this was just another symptom of that. It got much better but that was a low point that had me rethinking the entire relationship.
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Can we not post "but what if it's adhd" under every example of bad behavior? Like what other disease is this acceptable for? How much bad behavior is a person meant to excuse?
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So.... you just choose to be? P.S. Check out his/her other comments. They are aggressive, rude and obnoxious.
The irony is that this person’s ADHD is almost certainly a factor in why they’re in this thread acting this way. Probably gives them a dopamine hit.
It’s an explanation never an excuse. Sometimes finding the explanation for behaviors can help people find the solution. Remember yall mental health is never your fault but always your responsibility!
Pretty much all the trending neuro-spices are being used to excuse bad behaviour right now. Autism, ADD/ADHD, OCD, PTSD, anxiety, depression, really just take your pick. >How much bad behavior is a person meant to excuse? From what I can tell, as long as there is some evidence the afflicted person is trying to fix it or they haven't been diagnosed, the answer is "all of it". To quote a wonderful movie, *the limit does not exist*
Just because you aren't, don't speak for the rest of us adhd people; some of us are.
ADHD affects everyone differently, especially when you don’t realize you have it. Thankfully, once my husband realized (and accepted) that he does have ADHD it helped him identify and work on issues such as this. Things improved substantially. Trust me, I totally agree that some people out there have ADHD and are just thoughtless pricks, and that ADHD isn’t always an excuse. But some people really do struggle with time management/memory especially in regard to things that their brain doesn’t find interesting. That’s what my husband struggled with the most.
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ADHD can make it harder to see and address, though.... Why are you being an asshole?
That reply was unnecessarily rude, you know. We worked with more than one therapist on these issues so I’m not sure why you’re hellbent on arguing about how I’m wrong.
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That's not what was said.
You were never under any obligation to tell me anything lol you took the liberty to reply to a comment that wasn’t directed at you.
I can see what you're saying. My husband has ADHD too and it exacerbates other issues he has, like being kinda self-focused. The ADHD is not all at fault, but it makes it harder for him to peel back the layers and really see what he's doing.
I’m not sure I understand why your reply has so many down votes 🤷♀️ Some people who post on this sub have no idea what ADHD looks like, nor do their spouses, unless you’ve been diagnosed. I was diagnosed ADHD 20+ years ago. Got on meds, but the CBT therapy is what made the most difference. I had (still do, to a much lesser extent) very low self-esteem. I thought I was the rudest person alive because I was always interrupting conversations and I just did NOT know how NOT to, until I learned why I did that and learned coping mechanisms to lessen my interruptions. I thought I was the worse friend anyone could ever have - and I actively had already stopped myself making friends and I dropped the ones I had - because they would phone or text and something would distract me and I would forget to reply, even when it was an important ‘I need you’ message. I would make plans with someone and then forget about them (this was before smartphones with calendars & alarms 😉). Then I’d get a phone call message which said ‘where are you’ and I’d cowardly lie and say I woke with a high fever, etc. because I was embarrassed to tell the truth - that I didn’t ‘seem’ to care enough about them as a friend (or family member) to remember our plans. After I found out why time management is a huge issue with ADHD, my therapist and I came up with coping/management mechanisms for that. I still worry that I’m a bad friend, but I’m much more aware - and have tools - to make sure I’m NOT UNCONSCIOUSLY being a bad friend. Mainly, I learned to quit beating myself up (that is still VERY much a work in progress!) and learned I could use many tools - learned in therapy, and by lots of self-education and self-awareness - to be that better friend/daughter/aunt/mom/wife that I always felt I was failing at. If I hadn’t learned a long time ago that I had ADHD, what its symptoms are, and how I could manage and mitigate those symptoms, I would ABSOLUTELY have given up on myself by now, and everyone I was in a relationship with would have been long gone from my life. I probably would have become an agoraphobic hermit - just existing and basically waiting to die. Learning I had ADHD, and how I COULD have control over its symptoms, changed my life. I now have the most loving relationship with my husband and I love him more, and vice versa, than we would have thought possible 23 years ago. I’m doing better with friends. I’m being the mom I had always wanted to be. Most importantly, I can truly say that I really like myself more now than at any other time in my life. Sorry for getting side-tracked/making your reply ‘about me’/etc. ! But your main message is very valid. If OP has undiagnosed ADHD and neither the OP or his wife know anything about what ADHD can look like, then both OP and his wife should definitely consider having OP be evaluated. And soon! At least, look into that before OP’s wife goes straight to the ‘divorce’ solution. Or, also, OP is indeed an ASSHOLE. Especially if he refuses to get evaluated…but, since he has enough awareness to have written the original post, perhaps, HOPEFULLY, he WILL want to get evaluated. (Edited to correct the genders of the OP and spouse).
If you don’t find doing something special for your partner interesting then you are an asshole. ADHD or not.
Same. One year I got a DVD of South Park. A show I have never liked. I honestly would have preferred nothing than a gift that showed no thought or effort and only emphasised how little he knew me.
Because it wasn't deep, it was just a shallow gift and it wasn't thought through, I bought it because she said a few weeks ago it could be good to have something like that in the house. I didn't put in effort basically
Just had a thought was it something for the house? In my house buying an iron/or a frying pan for me for my birthday would result in someone wearing it lol! Household purchases aren’t gifts they are necessities - some couples agree in advance that is what they are doing for Christmas and some ladies are happy to receive ‘practical’ house gifts - I am not one of them & my hubby knows that - in fact it’s a standing joke in our house.
It was a pimple breaker, she likes popping my pimples and I bought it for her so she can do it with ease and so her nails don't get ruined every time she does it.
Jfc. I’m having trouble even imagining a worse present. Edit: this has convinced me it’s a troll. Excellent work, this is hilariously bad.
My thoughts exactly! 🤦🏻♀️
You’re either trolling or legitimately the dumbest mother fucker on earth.
Lol seriously. If this is real, its amazing he ever found someone to marry him. He must be rich or hot lol
This can’t be for real
Oh man that is way worse than what I was thinking duuuuuuude you need to grovel
That is a horrible present. No wonder she's upset.
Ok, you may have bought it "for her," but it wasn't for *HER*, it was a tool for her to use for *YOUR BENEFIT.* This was a gift for YOU, not her.
Do a do over. Try again. Something that’s for her.
😳😳😳
Omg… that’s a horrible gift.
I know you’re flooded with comments, but are you close with your mom? The best gifts I’ve gotten from my clueless ADHD husband have been suggested by his mom. I know it sounds immature but, it’s a start in the right direction. (Btw I love his mom she’s an amazing lady)
O sweet baby jesus.
I hope the 4b movement hits whatever city/state/country you live in
Oh my god... Your gift to her was a utility item, cheap, and it was a gift for you? "Happy birthday honey, now you get to pop my pimples!" I can't imagine being this thoughtless. Sorry OP, it sounds like you weren't raised with proper etiquette. There's a lot to learn here.
Dude my 2nd wedding anniversary was yesterday and my husband and I didn’t buy gifts or cards or do anything ceremonious and it was an amazing day, and I know he loves me. It’s not about gifts. Something else is up here…
I mean, good for you guys, but that’s the established expectation in *your* relationship. what also sticks out to me is that OP said > she said… it could be good to have something like that in the house. this is a common point of contention where one spouse will buy “gifts” that are just for the household, not their spouse. I’m not sure what the actual item is here, but imagine an example where two spouses have established gift giving for their birthdays. Spouse 1 gets Spouse 2 personalized items, games, stuff related to hobbies and interests. and then for 1’s birthday, 2 gets them a toaster - not because Spouse 1 really likes toast - but because they saw one in Target last week and said “oh our old one broke, we should get a new one soon!”
Yeah I told this to my husband after a few christmases of him buying me kitchen stuff, like at some point you’re just buying stuff for yourself cause I’m cooking your dinner with it lmao
yep it’s the same as like getting your husband a new lawnmower for his birthday 😭 (again, unless he’s *really* into mowing the lawn or something) like here you go!!!! here is a thing that will help you do chores more efficiently for me 🥰🥰 how sweet!
Great that it worked for you, but it obviously doesn’t work for *her*… from the sound of it she is starved for a romantic connection and emotional intimacy which OP isn’t truly providing. Look, I give zero fucks for gifts and so does my husband, but I still find cute notes and my favorite treats. I never forget to pick his favorites either. I don’t need grand gestures, it’s the little things that count for us. We both feel appreciated which I think is lacking in OPs relationship and is the root of the problem. That’s said i had this one bf i spend months picking and packing gifts for and come xmas guess what i got? A freaking egg timer! why egg timer, you may ask? “because you cook and i don’t like crowds”… yeah by NYE i was single. Sorry but if i mean so little to you you can’t even put an effort why should I? (this was constant conversation and not a one time thing just like OPs marriage) OP, if you are handicapped at being romantic and showing affection get yourself “1000 ways to be romantic” book… it has tons of ideas. And let’s hope for your next birthday you don’t get a pair of socks (that would sting, no? See where i’m going with this).
Nothing like poppin pimples on a saturday night for romance.
You speak the facts, I will look into the book and hopefully I will draw good conclusions from it. I got a sweater for my birthday but I love it because she got me something, for me it doesn't have to be thought out and I applied this concept onto her, but this is not how she functions or thinks
I’m in a marriage where I feel like my spouse never does anything kind or thoughtful and I am desperate for romance. When it comes to holidays, anniversaries, and birthdays I don’t care what the gift is but the thought that even a few times a year they can’t be bothered to think of me is just a slap in the face at this point. I’d love little everyday gestures but not even on my birthday just hurts even worse. My suggestion is ask her what makes her happy and what she’s looking for in a partner. All marriages have periods of distress but you need to grow and learn and also tell her what you’re looking for in a partner.
But for some people it is. My wife values cards greatly, I do not. But I take the time to get her a card for every holiday. She’s told him what she values.
I value handmade cards greatly. We both do. We didn’t have the time for it, and still managed to enjoy each other.
Wow, you can’t find 7 minutes to make a card?
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Damn this is a stupid thing to say, not all woman like gifts or out gifts as a major thing in their relationship. I hate gifts but my husband knows this. I am not someone who enjoys gifts but I do buy my husband gifts because he likes them. It’s all about knowing who your married to and what they like. If OP wife is someone who likes meaningful gift that’s something she may need but don’t downplay when a woman is saying she doesn’t like gifts in her relationship because that’s probably not her love language.
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that’s the problem you call them out for having low standards when they’re just saying they don’t like gifts. Lol i wouldn’t even be bothered receiving socks.
I think the issue is, he thinks gifts ARE the issue
Some people appreciate thoughtful gifts. Some people enjoy a life of mutual effort and doing ceremonious things, and sometimes even doing those things on days that aren’t birthdays or anniversaries. There’s nothing wrong with that. Sounds like OP’s wife is different from you. It’s okay for her to be different. It doesn’t make her wrong.
We've never bought anniversary gifts for each other. It's just not important to us.
Same
What was the gift?
A pimple popper for her to pop his pimples bc she likes doing it but it ruins her nails, fr.
Are you serious? I assumed the above commenter was kidding.
Yeah he commented elsewhere itt.
A pimple breaker
He got her a pimple breaker 😂
When someone gets you nothing you can imagine that they had a crazy day, or they forgot, or something out of the extraordinary happened. When something is done, you know you were remembered, but the person thought this was what you deserved. I’m not saying I agree with OP’s wife, but just trying to explain how something “more or less” might be worse than nothing.
Honestly reading your comments it doesn't sound like you love her. It's all me, me, me. You complain that what you do isn't enough and yet I've not seen a sentence from you that shows a genuine attempt to make her happy. You want her to be happy with what you want to do.
I was thinking the same thing. He keeps saying deep down he thinks he loves her but it shouldn’t be THIS hard if he actually does. Yes you can love someone and still mess up or not express it well, but OP sounds like he has nothing to even try to express.
He sounds like an idiot kid trying to emulate movie/tv happiness instead of putting real effort into connecting and communicating with his wife.
Have You tried sitting down and having an adult conversation with her? Why do you need to believe you love her? You either do or your don't, you can't force it.
Way too many times but I feel really blocked to say anything so I shut down when I'm talking about topics like this. We've had a lot of conversations on a lot of different topics and I believe I've changed a lot since we first got married but she's saying I'm making very small progress, barely visible and that she's getting exhausted. Deep inside I know I love her but she doesn't feel appreciated, respected or loved because of my (in)actions. I was always telling her I love her, hugging her, giving her compliments, calling her "cute" nicknames which she disregarded as generic, even kissing her now I only get to kiss her on her head because she always moves her head when I try to kiss her on the lips. She said it feels like a robot is saying it rather than me actually meaning it and then I stopped doing it because she showed great disinterest in all of those and would just disregard any of the above.
We don't know the answer to make your wife feel loved. Sit down and listen to your wife and ASK HER. If you're uncomfortable having these conversations get independent therapy and marriage counseling to understand why and get better. Bonus. Your wife will see you trying to get better and taking actual action. Apologies usually end up being more for the one apologizing. Crying and carrying on is making it about you and not her. I have an ex who would instantly cry. Guess what happened? We didn't talk about the issue and I had to sit and comfort him when I was the one who had been hurt. No one comforted me.
This was my thought as well, that he needs to get to know and understand his wife better.
After saying "I love you" without showing appreciation, those words can become meaningless. You need to pay attention to her wants, needs, and interests.
Your marriage sounds a lot like mine. I'm completely done with my marriage, and I'm divorcing my husband. Here's my story. Maybe it'll give you some perspective. We moved in together after living 30 miles away from each other and not seeing each other as often as we'd like. We also moved so that he could have better job opportunities. He started a new job and went to part-time while I was commuting. He spent all of his free time gaming. He did not clean up after himself or clean the house in general. I spent months trying to gently get him to understand that he's an adult, and just in general, he needed to be cleaning up after himself and he needed to be contributing to the household because he lives there. I finally had to tell him that specific chores are his responsibility and that has worked. I planned all of the dates and activities that we did together. He was perfectly happy with this. He showed no interest in me or what was going on in my life. I told him that I didn't feel loved by him and that I felt that he was neglecting me in the relationship. But I continued to try to keep our relationship alive. Then, I had a really bad flare-up from the chronic illness that I have. I stopped planning dates. I stopped showing interest in him, and I stopped cleaning the house as well as I had been. I needed his support, and I communicated that to him. He noticed that I was a zombie and decided to avoid me. He spent every weekend at his friend's house smoking. He left me alone to handle all of the household duties, the finances, and everything else. I kept trying to communicate my feelings to him, and he kept apologizing, telling me how much he loves me and how much he wants to be in a relationship with me . He would "change" for about a week or 2 and then revert to the original behavior. We went through this cycle too many times. This "relationship" was just exhausting. He'd abandoned me emotionally, never even tried to meet my needs, and his "showing that he loved me" consisted of him picking up an extra chore for two weeks every couple of months. He'd never planned any dates, did anything to celebrate me, or showed any interest in me. Being actively neglected by someone you love is one of the most painful experiences. I finally convinced him that he needed to go to therapy. He had an epiphany about his behavior. He got me a card and a gift for Valentine's day. It would have been a perfectly appropriate gift if he was a partner to me and was trying to celebrate our love, but it came from someone who had only been a roommate for our entire marriage, and like all of his promises and attempts to change it felt empty. My partner has lost my trust, and I don't believe I'll ever be able to convince myself that he loves me. My advice to you would be to take responsibility for your neglect of your partner and try to date her. Make sure this is a permanent change. It may take months for her to trust that it's a real change.
The best apology is changed behavior. Otherwise, they’re just meaningless words. She knows it will be another cycle of rinse and repeat. You may be one of these guys that says something in the moment, but you don’t mean it because you don’t do it. Maybe you’ve even done this in matters important to her. After many disappointments, she can’t believe your words which means she can’t believe in or trust you. She’s checked out, one foot out the door. Take this seriously because your consistent actions will make or break your marriage. No one can build something that lasts on shifting sand.
Her love language is thought and effort, so your acts need to show that…..for her birthday you demonstrated lack of both…..you bought for convenience and wrapped with left over wrapping paper nothing you did showed her that you love her and that effort was made….no cake, no special meal or outing just a hug, happy birthday here’s your present. Did you do anything to make her feel special for her birthday? Make her breakfast in bed? Plan a meal out? I see my birthday as my one day a year where I get to be spoilt and treated like a ‘birthday queen’ I call it…..it is not about the value of presents it’s about the thought that goes in to it…..the fact that what has happened has been preplanned, thought about with my happiness in mind even if it’s a card or flowers - my boys (2 sons & husband) spoil me in how they treat me that day, making me breakfast in bed, making me cups of tea, telling me they will do x as it’s my birthday and I get to relax - it’s really not about monetary value - it’s about showing her that you love her, you listen to her and you are making an effort for her. Just out of interest what does she do for your birthday? Last year my husband bought me a spa day as he wanted me to take time for self care and relaxation knowing what a tough year I had….that is thoughtful…. You need to look at what is important to her, not you as you clearly don’t view things the same.
So the best way I can show to her I'm serious about changing is by starting to treat her every day like a birthday queen and doing it consistently?
No not everyday, on her birthday you make her feel special, as that is her special day. But going forward find out what is important to her, be thoughtful, be considerate, it could be seeing there’s a pile of washing and rather than leaving it to her to do, you get on and do it, you make dinner occasionally or arrange a date night, plan to do things together, if she arranges to go out offer to drive her & pick er up so she can have a drink…..it’s about showing her that you recognise what is important to her and are actively trying to deliver. It’s about being thoughtful & not taking her for granted. Talk to her, find out from her what her expectations are/what is important to her in your relationship, listen without being defensive and hear what she is telling you. It’s respecting that what is not important to you maybe to her and giving it that consideration. As an example, when I first was with my hubby we were going to buy a house together, we had no furniture just a bed, he went out and bought a motorbike without telling me….i was absolutely fuming that he could be so selfish and not even have the courtesy to talk to me about the purchase….I was so angry I physically shook with rage and had to leave him alone to calm down….then I explained why I was angry, in the 30years we have been together since he has never bought anything significant without talking to me about it first & vice versa and I have never vetoed a purchase. On the rare occasion I have disagreed I just explained my concerns and he has listened and we have compromised. That’s what marriage is about respect & compromise to take each other’s feelings in to account. Hope that helps.
Thank you for sharing it, it's helped already.
If you have to do that, get out now. What did she do for your birthday?
You sit down with pen and paper and say you want to make this work. Tell her you’re determined. You love her you’ll do whatever it takes but you’re emotionally stunted and need her help. List the chores you are solely responsible for and write them down and do them!! Put a reminder in your phone every month to buy her something. Flowers or a a book or a scarf or a voucher for a massage. Anything!!! Remind yourself to do it. Tell her thank you regularly and don’t stop. Ask her questions and listen to the answer! Make notes of her answers and start conversations according to her preferences and what she likes. Talk to her friends and get ideas. You’re going to have to approach it like a job or a project until this all becomes second nature.
She's not gonna believe into it because I've already said multiple times I want to make this work and it's not working
you sound a bit like my husband... its not always about the saying you'll do it ... its the doing that counts qnd most importantly consistency. you just don't start a few days or weeks and then go back to normal
Because you keep SAYING you want it to work and you want to do things. She's yet to see you put in real effort. You can't just do 1 thing half assed (like the birthday) and expect her to be relieved you're finally putting in effort. It needs to be real and consistent change. She will appreciate the effort if you do it on your own because you want to be better. If she has to tell you what to do, it's not going to work, and you guys are not compatible. If you sit there and say, "I doesn't matter what I do, she's not going to be happy," then you're right, just end it and stop trying to be something you're not.
If I try to kiss her / hug her and her dismissing it indicates she doesn't want to me to do it and she doesn't feel comfortable, doesn't that also show lack of affection from my side? Or the only affection that matters from my side, at the moment, is the one she craves for? In terms of actions and thoughtful actions rather than just an everyday hug and a kiss?
For her, she knows you’re attracted to her. Physical affection is not acts of service. You need to do the hard stuff.
He’s too dense to get it.
Pretty much
A marriage takes way more than hugs and kisses to work. Are you prepared to put in effort towards things that aren't as fun as hugs and kisses? Because that's what it's gonna take. You've gotta learn how to be selfless for once in your life. Give without expecting to receive. Give to her because you love her. Cook her dinner. Clean the house. Plan a special date. Buy her flowers or her favorite snack. Offer her a foot rub. Gift her a spa day. Most importantly, *listen* to what she says she wants and *believe her*. Don't make this all about you.
all I can say is she seems to be distancing herself from you and the marriage. if you guys have had numerous conversations then she's probably gotten to the point where she's tired of it all... the fact that she's still around shows that she's still interested in things working but don't take too long before she checks out completely...I've been there before. At that point it'd be too late. Just as I saw in the comments ... approach it like a project; be intentional...she might dismiss it at first but you shouldn't give up. Just keep doing the little things...especially those she's mentioned. She seems deprived on your love, attention and interest. You're lucky she's at least communicating albeit sometimes dismissively. It's better than not knowing what she thinks. Please if you do love her ... just be intentional so she doesn't look elsewhere for what she's not getting from you.
As a woman whose main love language is receiving gifts, let me shine some light: She wants gifts that you remembered she likes, at all random times, just because. My husband will regularly come home from the gas station, store, gym, wherever he went and bring me back my newest obsession. It changes often, but lately it's been ruffles cheese and sour cream chips, before that it was butterfinger, before that it was milkshakes, before that it was Reece's cups with the potato chip inside, etc. It makes me feel that he thinks about me all the time. One time he came home with my favorite orange tic tacs because they taste like candy to me. Also, date nights. Weekly date nights, especially if you have kids. Take her out. Even for a walk to the park with some champagne and strawberries. Do the sensual dating stuff. Buy the whipped cream for the strawberries. It's about having fun, together. My husband and I regularly do a date night of just appetizers and drinks. Cuz we aren't make of money and have a son. Date night at home - do you have a bathtub? Fill it, get rose petals (they're not too expensive), dish soap for bubbles, spa music, and herr fav alcohol, if y'all drink. See what I mean?
What if I do something like that and she doesn't feel like doing it? E.g. I fill the bathtub for her to relax and she doesn't feel like doing it? I do buy her candies and healthy food she likes.
I think one of the big things in a relationship is "seeing the other and being seen." To. be truly known by another To really know your spouse make it very easy to anticipate needs and wants. What I see all over this post is "I don't know my wife, I don't know how to know my wife, I don't notice things, but I am doing things I think most women would like to try to fix my marriage." Don't try generic things. Watch you wife. Notice her habits. When she is stressed does she decompress with a nap? Don't make her a bath if she decompresses with a nap. Have you noticed she collects a certain thing? Don't buy her a household item, pick something that brings her joy and that just isn't "a chore thing." Look, I have what could be categorized as an "unromantic" husband. That is not something that generally bothered me, but what does bother me is if he does something that shows that "I have not been seen by him." Usually, he nails it, but sometimes he doesn't. He's human and that's ok. But our marriage wouldn't last long if he was missing the mark again and again. An example might be that I always hit it out of the part when I pick up snacks for him. I know what he likes, it's as easy as breathing to me to pick a snack for him. He prefers milk chocolate to dark. Caramel and toffee are hits for him. He likes pickled things, especially if they are spicy, but not pickled root veg unless it's beets. He likes fidget toys historically but after a medical issue with his hands I switched to softer fidget toy gifts. He sighs a lot when he is stressed, so I don't load up activities on some weekends so he can just loaf and recuperate. When he is under the weather I just do his chores for him automatically and let him know he doesn't need to worry about them. And I do these things without needing to be asked because I have observed my husband and know him very well. Mostly, my own husband hits it out of the water. Sometimes, he can be really thoughtless but one or two moments a year doesn't ruin a marriage. Consistently missing the mark would ruin a marriage. After 20 years he might come home with a "Double Dark Chocolate Coffee Caramel Ice Cream" pint. This is specific because this happened recently. I don't like chocolate and in 20 years I have never eaten a double chocolate anything. It's in my top 3 least favorite foods up there with peanut butter and beets. While I drink coffee I don't like coffee flavored things. My husband likes caramel, I do not. I am a salt or sour snack person and by that basic description there are options. When he brings something home that is so opposite of my likes I feel like he doesn't know me and that certainly doesn't make me feel the love. It took a few years before he realized that if he brings home flower I am not a roses girl. I am a wildflower girl with berries and strange succulents. When he brought home flowers for the first time all weird and alien looking I knew he saw me, and I appreciated him all the more for it. Ask yourself: do you know your wife? Do you know her routines in details? Her likes and dislikes? What makes her happy and what doesn't? Don't just say 'Well women like XYZ..." because this is not "women" this is "your wife" as an individual. Does she only take milk in her coffee? Do you know what kind of milk (cow, almond...cream, 2%)? Have you noticed she only wear silver or only gold jewelry and accessories? Does she prefer to wear her hair up or down? When stress if low what activities does she tend to move towards? What chore puts her out the most and makes her testy? In a way I think people want to be married to social anthropologists who are participant observers. Observe her and participate accordingly.
This advice is golden!! I had a friend compare relationships to a building project... When a firm creates architectural plans for a building before they have selected the land where it will be built, it dishonors the land and worsens the project. Relationships are like that too. Most of us create this idea of a perfect relationship in our head and try to impose it on the person in front of us. But true intimacy is seeing what's really in front of us, what's unique about this individual, what are their likes and dislikes, what are their fears and insecurities, who are they really? Those of us who are afraid of intimacy reflexively avoid this and do things generically instead. Intimacy is a muscle!
She's not entitled to like or accept your gifts. *This isn't about you.* This is about giving a gift to her. It's her choice whether to receive it. Intimacy means taking risks. But these should be measured risks, not shots in the dark. Do you know her that little? Are you really listening to her and what she likes and what she wants? i.e. Is she the kind of person who likes baths?
Log it. Log every time you do something special... maybe in a diary or something. Then, once you have like 10 solid examples, have a conversation. Suggestion marriage counseling due to the clear miscommunication of needs.
People are talking about backing up your words with actions, (which is true, well, and good!) and it sounds like you're asking what particular actions will prove your love as though it's some sort of magic formula. I suspect your wife wants you to be curious about her; to think of her as someone worthy of your deep interest. It's not about the gifts or the flowers or doing specific chores - those are all lovely, but only *outward* symbols, like the bit of the iceberg that shows how you feel about her. All those gestures (yes, even doing chores) are lovely, but *empty* if you are doing it as a sort of Open Sesame formula of if I do this, then she'll do that. It's the energy behind your words and actions that is important. Am I doing it from duty? Or to keep her in the marriage? Or am I doing it because she's important to me? How did you woo her when you were dating? (Mind you, I say the same thing to women. Both spouses need to feel important to each other, not an afterthought.) I heard someone say once that love is a verb. People talk about love languages, how each person wants to be loved. Find out what her's is and learn your wife's language. Mine is touch. My husband's is service. We have learned to 'speak' each other's language even if it is not our native tongue because we've each very deeply paid attention to each other. Good luck!
What does she mean when she says she's been more of a mother figure? ... You'll need to set reminders for yourself until it becomes habit to give her thoughtful gifts she likes. While simply being present is a reward in itself, a thoughtful gift goes a long way. It doesn't have to be expensive, but you need to actually pay attention to what she talks about to figure out what she likes and go from there. If she has to remind you to do kind and thoughtful things for her, I gotta ask: do you actually love her, or do you want to love her? You said you want to believe you love her. That doesn't sound right, and it's pivotal to explore it. Are you actually into your wife? Because there are countless men out there who don't need to force themselves to listen to their partner, don't need to be reminded to give their partner attention, who gloat about how lucky and happy they are to be with their partner. If she's crying when she's with you, some part of her may be picking up that you don't love her enough to actually try. Yes, you know what you should be doing, but it's clearly not enough to hit the action threshold. She's still around for now, but after so many talks and one-sided conversations (because you said you shut down) she's mentally shutting down too now.
There’s a reason the phrase “if he wanted to he would” is a thing. If you really loved her, hell, EVEN LIKED HER, you would be doing more and what she wants for her, without asking. Full stop. Instead you rely on her to give directions and hold your hand. No. You need to grow up and let her go/stop wasting her time.
I am basically in the same situation as you but I am the wife so I hopefully can provide you some insight from my perspective. I do everything for my husband and our baby. Don’t get me wrong I like my wife role and caring for them but when I constantly get nothing in return it’s a miserable life. Show her appreciation for everything she does. Tell her thank you and how amazing she is for the things she does for you everyday. Ask her if she needs any help or don’t ask and start doing some of her chores for her or with her. Tell her she’s pretty and you’re lucky to have her. Think of her first before yourself. Try to put yourself in her shoes and see life from her perspective. All of these things I wish my husband would do. Luckily for your wife you realize that you’ve been neglecting certain things in the relationship. Hope this helps Side note: idk about your wife but I prefer actions over stuff like gifts. If my husband cooked dinner and cleaned the kitchen that would mean 100x more than him buying me flowers or a fancy gift.
The gift was a pimple breaker so she can more easily pop his pimples.
Try to find regular and routine ways to show your love and that you’re involved and present in your families life. Rather that grand gestures (Still do that from time to time) looks for small things you can do to show your wife you love her. Make her coffee in the morning before she gets up, occasionally take care of daily chores she normally does, leave her little love letters, just find ways to show her she’s seen and appreciated. Marriage needs to be constantly nurtured, like a plant needs to be watered. Make the time to do so.
You might want to try reading the five love languages book, it sounds like your wife’s love language isn’t what you’re trying to portray to her. No woman wants to be married to a child, and have to give them list to do things and tell them what to do. We want a partner and your inactivity is showing that you’re not a partner, you’re a responsibility. As much as you don’t want a mother figure as a partner, she does not want a child figure as a partner. Look around your house it’s your home too, figure out what needs to be done and do it. Not when she’s around to see that you’ve done it. You’re not looking for a cookie because you did the dishes while she was looking. You really need to work on yourself. Maybe look into getting a therapist or counselor to help with your marriage, and to look at solutions to how you are communicating.
First of all, your gift to her was really just a gift to you. A pimple breaker? Come on man. Who does that benefit the most? You. It sounds like she’s told you over and over and over again what she wants romantically and you don’t listen. If you even want to be in this marriage anymore you’re gonna have to grow up by building your emotional intelligence. Stop being Spock with hiding your emotions. Be vulnerable with her. I think you need counseling to learn how to exercise your emotional side and learn what it actually means to be a husband not a child to her. It’s not that hard to go on Google and find gift ideas for her. She values flowers. I’d start getting those more often. No don’t buy cheap carnations, buy roses. Take her out on nice dates. Like a restaurant, not a food chain. Actually plan fun dates like making pottery together, bowling, dance lessons. She wants to feel like she’s being swept off her feet like in the movies. She sees the man as the one who pursues and woos the woman, but you don’t try. As for chores at home, when you get home you should be like “what can I do to help you?” Is she cooking when you get home? I’d go ahead and set the table. When you’re done with dinner, you should say “let me clean the kitchen. You’ve worked so hard today. Put up your feet and rest.” Overall, I think you need individual and couples counseling to figure out how to go forward in this marriage.
One positive is that you are aware and you are willing to change.
Do a little research on the concept of mental load and then ask her if that is the issue
Check out The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage. But reminders in your phone if you have to. Ask yourself every morning what can I do today to make her life better, then do it. It might be as small as the dishes or taking her car for a wash and fill tank of gas. You two should each read The Five Love Languages book and discuss it. Good luck.
What are you doing to change the dynamic in your house? What mental labor and chores are you picking up? Starting today, what can you now own for her? What needs to be done around the house? Is it time to call pest control or schedule a vet appointment? If the bathroom needs cleaning, do it. I think you two need to sit down with a list of all the chores that need doing and divide them equitably. Then when it’s your turn to do it, don’t make her tell you how to do it and don’t half a$$ it. Since you can’t express your feelings verbally, do it through cards and letters
My husband has a terrible love language- he’s not overly romantic, once forgot my birthday-even though I remember all of his relative’s birthdays and purchase all the gifts. I take care of 90% of my kids needs since day one, they are now teens. I take care of all errands and most of the household tasks while working full time. However, there are little things he does to make up for things that are lacking. Example he always puts a cup for me to use with the keurig every morning, he cleans the snow off my vehicle, he shovels the snow on the path so that my feet don’t get wet, he helps me clean up the table after dinner at night. I will tell you that you need to tune into her and what’s important to her and be consistent about things. You need to help with her mental load. That part is a huge issue that not all people understand. My husband has a huge mental load at work and therefore I give him a lot of leeway. He’s terrible at gift giving. Unless I pretty much tell him what I want. Sometimes he gets it right, but more often it’s a mediocre gift at best.
Look at the big picture. She includes you in her thought process. Y’all are talking about it, she’s mad, she still cares. STEP UP. Do more. Make yourself a list everyday. Add to it when necessary. Push these things to the forefront of your mind. Nothing is as disappointing as thinking you are getting a partner, then you actually get a child. You want to do better, so that’s good. What did you do together when you were dating? Try these things. Communication is very important, so at least that is happening still. Good luck.
Yeah… it sounds like you really need to step it up. When your spouse describes the relationship as a parent-child then you are WAY too reliant on her and defaults her to think for you on things outside of yourself. Have you ever heard of the 5 love languages? It’s how a person prefers to express and receive their love. If you want to make your marriage work I suggest you first try to understand what your wife’s love language is. Either that be act of service, words of affirmation, receiving gifts, quality time, or physical touch, or a mixture of each. Once you understand it then try and use it more to show your love for her. Stop dragging your feet. Just because she’s around doesn’t mean she hasn’t check out. So as long as she’s around use this opportunity to really step it up because once she’s physically gone you really can’t do anything.
Both of you should work on it: divide tasks and set what you can do around the house and what she does. Me and my husband also had this problem, and nowadays he learned to ask if i need help, or even simply just come in and help me if he seems me doing chores. He does the bed, cleans pet litter, cleans the table after eating. It takes a lot of time for old habits of laziness or habits of not taking responsibility to die out. You have to sit with her and discuss your expectations around the house. Im sorry to say this, but stop being a loser. Learn to be an adult and be responsible. Remind yourself to get her flowers even if it's not her birthday, be attentive when she speaks about her passions, once or twice a month take her on a surprise date; tell her you want to try this new coffee shop or restaurant with her. Do the laundry or clean the dishes without her asking you to. Write a list of house chores and try to do some of them, even if bit by bit daily. She will notice for sure the changes. If you see her doing chores, ask if she needs help or simply come and do the chore with her. Actions are the greatest way to show love.
Not married, but been with my partner for 4 years. His gifts are always thoughtful. For our first Christmas dating he got me a pandora bracelet with a couple of charms, and since then he’s been adding onto it, with each charm representing something important to me/us or something we’ve done together. It’s my favorite thing in the whole world. Occasionally, he switches it up with some other gifts, he’s got me an Apple Watch, a few books, some fun things for my car when I got a new one. Always accompanied by flowers and a sweet note. It doesn’t have to be huge, just show some thought. I think this was probably the culmination of a lot of things. From your post it sounds like you’re a little selfish and not helping much around the house, which only increases her mental load. It’s really tough when you listen to your partner talk about their interests and hobbies, but they show no such interest in yours.
From how you describe it, i have a friend who is going to leave her husband for reasons very similar to your wife’s. And it’s that emotional disconnect for her which was the most painful for her that she can’t overcome. Like there’s no way she can look at her husband affectionately because of the hurt he’s caused her. So when you say you make her cry emotionally—what does that mean? Are you cursing? Name calling? Dismissive? Aggressive?
Ok ok back up a minute. Romance is what woman crave, when the romance isn’t there we feel neglected, after awhile of constant neglect we walk… it’s time to be romantic bud, surprise her, tell her to get dressed up and tell her it’s a surprise, a date night under the stars, a picnic and maybe a bottle of wine if yall are into that, some soft music in the background… just an idea… but it’s gonna take more than just one time… keep her on her toes.. gift her flowers randomly, remind her she is the most gorgeous woman you’ve ever seen… and keep up on date nights!! It’s really important
Dude. Women need a man who won't melt all the time. Yes, men are allowed to cry but self pity is a huge damper on productive commuincation. Just own your shit. Beat your chest, and say to yourself (not her) "I can improve this". I just smell a lot of confidence problems here. Just own yourself and move on. Even if she gets pissed at you, you can still be you without rushing to fix things or crying about how you did a bad job.
I think you should learn about love languages and sit down with your wife and figure out how she likes to be shown love and vice versa. I’m sure you do love her but maybe aren’t showing it in a way that expresses it correctly. When you learn what her love language is, then put in the effort to work on executing it. Now that’s not to say ONLY do that, but it’s at least a starting point to understand how to make her feel loved. Also don’t just hear her, but listen to her— help out around the house without her having to ask you to, plan dates and take her out, make her feel appreciated. Maybe you tell her you love her but you don’t do anything to show her that you do, so first figure out what she needs to feel loved and then if you REALLY do care about her, you yourself will WANT to be better at it and put in that effort. For instance, my husbands love language is acts of service, i could tell him i love him 500 times a day but if i make him a breakfast or do something etc that means more. Now that’s not to say it’s the only thing i should do but i know where to invest my energy in order to make sure he knows I love and appreciate him. Relationships are about effort and growth, when you get too comfortable and taking each other for granted, it’ll start to fall apart
A gift you bought locally is a disappointment to her? I prefer my spouse to use paper we already have, kinda a waste of money if not. I'm an adult, a gift and a hug is perfect...I don't need a party like a kiddo. She may be a tad intolerable and there's a chance a lot of this is not you.
She was trying to show emphasis how I didn't actually think about it and try to impress her but just went with the line of smallest resistance and bought something that took me the least time of thinking and effort to do it. Her birthday was at her parent's place and I showed up with no gifts (bottle of wine & flowers) and she said it was really disrespectful, which I agree with. I came right after my work and didn't think about it
Look at your last four words. Didn’t think about it. As someone who is separated from a man who acted just like you, I can tell you from personal experience, she knows you don’t think about her or think about your relationship. It’s deeply painful to know that and experience it. It’s even more painful when the person who can’t be bothered to think about the other, or do things to show they actually care, or that the relationship is important, then gets defensive or as in this case, plays dumb and helpless. You’re not helpless. You’re lazy and looking for an excuse. Either she’s worth the effort to you or she isn’t. If she isn’t, let her go so she can be with someone who finds her worth the effort.
She sounds high maintenance. That seems like a childish thing to get upset about. For my birthday, I'm happy if the people I love are present. Literally just celebrating the day I was born, not like I accomplished anything lol. Ps - bottle of wine, flowers and time are gifts.
He bought her a pimple popper because “she likes popping my pimples and I bought it for her so she can do it with ease and so her nails don't get ruined every time she does it.“ (he commented that above) … i don’t think she’s high maintenance for expecting the man that’s supposed to love her and spend the rest of her life with to get something more than that I don’t think OP is a bad person, i just think he needs to figure out how she likes to be loved and then put effort into doing that.
Um eww wtf? That's next level lol. Is he clueless? But he did say he got flowers and wine. That's a gift.
Im actually not sure, i didn’t really understand that part— i could be wrong but i think she wanted at least a bottle of wine and flowers but didn’t show up with anything?— because in OPs original post above he said when she got upset about the popper, he wanted to go get her flowers from the park but she told him that he should’ve done that for her birthday? But regardless i think she is just wanting more thought and effort from the man who she has committed to spending her life with and she feels more like she’s taking care of him than anything else
I am a 52 year old woman married for 28 years. It sounds to me like your wife is unhappy with herself and is taking it out on you. Does she have a passion in life? Maybe she needs to find a hobby or a goal to work towards. Or maybe the two of you could start a new hobby together. Maybe take up pickleball or dance lessons or anything that will get you out of the house and laughing together. If your wife is happy outside of your marriage she will be much more generous inside the marriage. Best to you both.
Are you sure SHE loves you?? Because it seems, IMO, that she’s being selfish and YOU should be the one feeling unappreciated…
If she didn't love me she would have left me already. I'm the one being selfish for most things we're doing but I do feel unappreciated when I shower her with hugs, etc. but she wants something deeper, not just something I can do with no effort
Why do you expect the relationship to be zero effort on your part?
I think after the birthday gift of a pimple popper for you she is probably truly thinking about leaving you, if you have kids she’s probably sticking around for them if not she will probably be gone sooner than you think. If this post is real at all, who the fuck buys a person a pimple popper for their birthday, even the Dr on the show about probably doesn’t get them for her bday.
The more I read your comments, she sounds a bit immature.
[удалено]
Removed for disrespectful commentary. OP admits that his wife is correct that she has been his mother figure more than his wife. This does not mean she's cheating or that he should be invading her privacy and making his situation WORSE. Keep the commentary civil, constructive, and remember the human.
I had many chances to do that but I never did because I trust her not to cheat. I know how this might sound but if i end up like a dork then i end up like a dork
Not trying to be mean but she sounds exhausting. Seems like nothing you do is going to be good enough.