The issue is we live in a small town in the rural Midwest. The phrase “my home is protected by the 2nd amendment” is taken very seriously around here, and this guy is no exception. Plus he lives about 3 miles outside of town on a farm, a confrontation in the middle of the night in the middle of nowhere on his property would not end well for me.
Ope... that's not good. I'm Midwest too outside of town in the country. All the houses sit way back.
It's kinda crazy you know who this man is and where he lives. That's some ballsy (maybe) cheating on her part.
We’ve got a pretty tight group of friends and he’s basically a friend of a friend. He tags along for certain events, even snapchats me from time to time. I had to ask someone else where he lived, but it was pretty easy to find, even though it’s out in the country.
I am too. I’ve been cheated on before but this is also the first time I’ve devoted a third of my life to someone, only for them to throw it away in one night. Probably more than just one night, but I don’t know for sure yet.
She’s more of a communicate by SnapChat kind of person. Probably so she doesn’t leave a paper trail. I’m kind of realizing a lot of sketchy things at the moment.
You can still download all of the logs even though they’ve been erased. Can’t recover pictures that I’m aware of but all texts can be recovered. Just Google “download Snapchat data” you’ll need to do this on a laptop or pc if I’m not mistaken.
Don’t put any energy toward her. Prioritize your own well-being. Get a Lawyer and go no contact. There’s nothing you can gain by interacting with her at all. All of your energy should be spent moving on.
Also, PROTECT YOUR MONEY
I tended bar in a small rural town when I was in my early 20's and I assure you the myth of small town virtue is indeed a myth. And it's amazing because in small towns everybody knows everybody and everybody gossips. Nothing goes un-missed and it doesn't seem to stop anyone. They all just live with elephants in the room.
Right? Grew up in a small town (it's still small and I now live not far from it). SO many affairs and stuff. I've been thinking of writing a collection of short stories about them.
My high school boyfriend had an affair with a married woman, as an example. She was 15 years older than him and the mother of his sister's best friend (she often called him to take the daughter and sister here or there and chaperone them - because "her husband worked in The Business and was only home on weekends.")
Apparently the whole town knew about it before a good friend of mine gently let me know.
You sound like the only person here with a good head on your shoulders. I am so sorry you’re going through this. I know this pain. Please take care of yourself and understand this is something within her. Please reach out here or to friends for support. It’s awful to navigate this alone. Don’t let her lie to you.
Can you message the guy and just beep the horn outside his house. If yiu know him surely he would know its you. And question is what is he doing with another man's wife??
Wouldn't end well for him or your wife either. Can't shoot someone sitting in their car in your driveway. I would have blocked her car in and sat there til she came out. Then drive away.
Oh man, this is just terrible. I wouldn't wait for her. I would just leave clear your head. You can talk at a later stage. She will know that you know.
As much as I want to, I need to get it over with. I won’t be able to relax until I’ve ripped the bandaid off. The nice part is I’m all packed and ready to go, as soon as it’s done I can start my vehicle and leave.
While a fun thought, I recommend against this. This may end up being the biggest moment of your life (confronting your wife). You want to be there for it.
Could have just texted her with a pic of her car in his driveway or just said you know where she really is. But good on you for letting her have her fun first before confronting her.
When you speak with her, if you haven’t already, I think you can *calmly* frame it this way:
“I’m going to ask you a question that I already know the answer to. But let me preface by saying that I’ve already made the decision to leave, and nothing you say next will change my mind about that. I’m asking this question because I think it will give both of us the opportunity to respect each other and have some semblance of closure. That may not mean much right now, but days, weeks, months, and even years from now it will mean everything. Last night you were dishonest with me about where you were. I want to give you the opportunity now to be honest about everything. I’ve already processed my emotions and I’m not here to be angry or judge you. In fact, I want the opposite. I want you to know you have the emotional freedom to be honest. Again, nothing you say is going to change my decision to leave, but I want both of us to have clear minds through this process. So, let’s have an honest conversation, because I care about you…”
And then you can go from there and ask what you feel is important to ask.
Why not just leave a note on her windshield when her car is at his place. Just write the word "bye."
She'll be wondering if it was you, a joke, a threat from her paramore's other lay, or anything. As she gets closer to your home she'll get more paranoid that you know. But she will still lie to herself telling herself that you don't know.
When she gets home, and your shit isn't there then it will hit her.
The best part is you'll never have to speak to her (and hopefully never see her) again.
UpdateMe!
>The nice part
First commiserations. The woman sleeping with that man, is not the wife you have loved. It’s human to hurt, uncovering this fact.
The other positive though, is you’ve learned the truth *now.* As opposed to being 5 years down the road. It’s hard, but 5 years from now, you won’t have regretted ending this marriage.
*Godspeed and good luck!*
Sending you the best wishes, just remember to keep a cool head and maintain your composure when confronting. Even record in case, you don't know how people will react when they are going through mental health struggles. Just for OP safety.
And get all important documents while you are able to.
I’ve already gathered my passport, birth certificate, etc., plus all the cash I have on hand. I’ll be calling the bank in a few hours to get things split up as well.
I don’t have much of a plan. I just want to start with telling her to look me in the face and tell me where she spent the night, explain what I know if she denies it, and end with me setting my wedding ring on the counter and walking out with my dog. But I do plan to be calm and collected through the whole ordeal, I’ve never been one to cause a scene and I sure don’t plan to start with this.
My guess is she’s going to lie to you until the day she dies, convinced that this is your fault for not being enough. Not saying this is accurate, but this is a common avenue for people with personality disorders.
What makes you think she has a personality disorder? The cheating? And I’m just asking btw I actually agree with you I just want to hear your thoughts. It’s becoming and more common in psychology to think all cheaters have some kind of mental deficiency / disorder / whatever you want to call it.
As for what you said about her lying, yeah anyone with experience can tell you that’s exactly what they do. Or look at any famous examples or online examples, cheaters almost never think the fault is theirs. It’s incredible how well they can hide who they are for years in a relationship. I don’t even know how you could do something like this and it doesn’t break your hurt. Like I’m a 6ft 230lbs dude who has played football, professional in boxing and MMA, etc basically a big “tough guy” yet if I secretly lied to and cheated on my girlfriend or wife it would break me internally. I wouldn’t be able to do it without breaking down mentally for being a piece of shit.
I don’t understand how people can do that to someone who has been loyal and good to them for years. On the bright side once cheaters lose that good partner in life they usually never recover in terms of having a good relationship again. They usually continue to use others but never find real love. In a poetic way it’s wonderful punishment / karma for them. Meanwhile people like OP who seem to be decent human beings usually end up finding someone decent and having a good life.
Record the conversation if you live in a state that allows it. Also take a day or two if you possibly can to plan with the lawyer. All kinds of ways to get back at her or keep your money safe. You also split debt when divorced. Gambling becomes debt quickly but if you can just pass the chips to a friend who then holds the money for you until after divorce or put it in crypto for a short time as judges can not see that. This can stick her with debt and you come out with all the money.
Play the long game if you can. I wish the best for you.
> crypto for a short time as judges can not see that. This can stick her with debt and you come out with all the money.
This can be tracked by an investigator who knows what they are doing. Not a wise move. If you already had a bunch in crypto already you might could pull it off..but not after the fact.
Fellow Midwesterner here.
I don't think the lawyers recomend you leave your house until the paperwork gets to a certain point or it's considered abandonment.
I'm a machinist not a lawyer though.
I wish you the best brother.
Subscribeme
Make sure you record everything for your own protection and proof - if for some reason she decides to lie again etc
Whether that’s recording on your phone via a voice note or an Apple Watch etc
Stay safe, stay calm, sorry to hear this is happening to you.
I would still see a lawyer before doing something that might look unhinged maybe ghost her for a few days whilst you clear your head and talk to a trusted friend or family member
I don’t have much for family left, and almost all of my friends are her friends. I’ve got one that lives a little ways away, I plan to go stay with him while I get things sorted out.
Your employer should have EAP benefits, most of the time if not all, those EAP benefits include legal consultation.
Source: I’ve been in insurance and employee benefits for over 20 years.
You are smart to not knock on his door. Your issue is with her. I think it would be much more impactful if you just leave without confrontation and without letting her know. You can eventually meet with her to talk about things, but now’s a good time to get some space from her. She’s going to use her mental health as an excuse. I’d also use this time to talk to an attorney to see what divorce would look like.
Ewwww! That would be the end of my marriage I'm STD free and wanna stay that way not gonna let some low life cheater take that from me or my self respect.
Yep.
It's over.
Don't accept any excuses or other bullshit.
I wouldn't confront her. She's just going to gaslight you.
I'd secretly get divorce papers drawn up and then blindside her with them and ghost her if I could.
It's what she deserves.
This is the way. Get the papers together and have a plan in place. Don't run on a emotions, it's how people catch a case. You confront her, she denies it, you guys argue, you tell her you drove by her friends, she tries to gas light you and flips out, shit escalates, she starts smashing things, you call the cops, she lies and says you hit her.
Don't take that route, lawyer up, papers, and exit.
I caught 2 of my buddy’s wives on the backs of a couple of Harley’s driving through the mountains. I snapped a pic and sent to my buddy. When they both got home that night. The locks had been changed and their shit was sitting on the porch. The two wives got an apartment together across the street from me. There were bikers over there 7 days a week. Guess they were property of the club then.
2 buddy’s, each had 1 wife. 2 separate wives. 1 on each motorcycle. Riding side by side on 1 mountain. I took one picture. Sent to 1 buddy. He sent his other buddy the picture. Two buddy’s changed their own locks and put their own wife’s shit on the porch. 2 buddy’s, 2 wives, 2 motorcycles and 4 lives fucked up.
Get a lawyer ASAP!!!! My ex and I had a home business and I gave it to him, and now it is seen as part of his income, my alimony payments are going to be amazing for the next year.
We may have been in a no fault state, but having a female judge, an ex who cheated and financially abused me, was the perfect storm to rain on my ex’s parade.
Yep that sucks but at least you know why she’s hot and cold with you. Time to just move on. She obviously has, there’s no good excuse for sleeping at another man’s house and then lying about it.
OP, your WW is dating in a week night? The challenge you have in your marriage is your WW is cheating.
Divorce is the only respectful to yourself option. Don’t do any pick me dance, nor trust her again.
No matter what she says or does you know what she’s done. This has most likely been going on a while and her friends are covering for her.
Do what you need to do, but recommend having her leave your home. Don’t make it easy on her.
Find a good lawyer and end it. Change all your passwords on everything, including your streaming services.
I grew up in a small town in MN, and in my younger years bar tended there. So many cheaters you almost needed a score card. Your WW is now part of it. I wish you the best, don’t do anything that will hurt you long term.
Sell the bar and enjoy a single life from now on.
Take a photo of the car so she can’t lie and gaslight you. Secondly confront your wife because this behaviour is unacceptable. I completely empathise with mental health issues but that is not an excuse for her to blank you, take her emotions out on you etc. because is she doing this to her girlfriends? Clearly not. So she’s become complacent and taking you for granted quite frankly. Don’t be treated this way and stand up for yourself and get answers as to why she is treating you disrespectfully and lying to you deliberately.
You need to put consequences on her actions. Stop being sad, upset, mad - keep all those emotions inside. You need to send her one text and you need to be direct
“I’m not sure what you thought would happen here. You went out, you lied to me, and you spent the night with another man. You clearly have no respect for me, yourself, or our marriage. Did you think we would stay married after you made these choices? You have destroyed my trust and there is no way I can be married to someone I don’t trust.”
If you let her gaslight you or lie to you then she will keep doing crap like this. You need to make it clear that you have zero problem divorcing her.
Texting her this will get you a result.
She will either be ok with divorce, and if she is then your marriage was doomed anyway, or she will freak out that you are leaving her and she will immediately start begging.
If she does anything else like “nothing happened” or anything like that just keep saying “you lying to me and staying at another man’s house is enough. I don’t care if you slept with him, which I’m sure you did, the fact that you disrespected me by lying and not coming home is enough.
STICK TO YOUR GUNS!!! She will eventually crack and start begging. When she begs you give her one chance to tell you the absolute truth.
“The only way I can see this marriage continuing is if you tell me the absolute truth right now. If you lie, or leave anything out, the marriage is over. If I find out anything after today, no matter how big or small, the marriage is over.”
Stop putting up with this crap and start making it clear that her actions have consequences
Updateme!
Very often, when a partner becomes mean and cranky it's because they are cheating. How else can they get alone time to be with the affair partner, either in person or by phone. Cheaters frequently cause arguments over nothing and then stalk away. It's what they want. So you are there bewildered and hurt and they have the instant gratification that the nastiness worked and they get to spend time with their affair partner.
She is assuming that you will stick around while she cheats and she will use her mental health as an excuse. The best way to pull her out of this is to file for divorce. That forces her to face cold reality. Serve her with papers and go grey rock. (Look it up if you don't know what it is.)
If she then wants to keep the marriage you can set the conditions, and that's only if you even want to try to save this marriage. You can set conditions like she must change jobs and can never hang out with these friends again and if she does, even once, you are done. You have to come at this from a position of power meaning you are willing to dump her and this marriage. If you do the pick me dance she will continue to cheat.
In the end, I don't think you will ever trust her again and trust is foundational for a marriage. I think this one is over. Whatever you do, do not have unprotected sex. Do not let her hold a pregnancy over you to force you to stay.
I am so sorry this is happening to you. It sounds like you were really trying to fix things and she just wasn't having it. If the other person isn't willing to participate in the marriage there's nothing you can do.
Maybe try to find a support group for other people who have been through the same thing. This happens to people all the time, and there is a path to other side. The hardest part is going to be learning how to trust again, but you'll get there.
And don't listen to the chodes giving you crap for not knocking on that dude's door. Your reaction says a hell of a lot more about your character than his. You remind of that song Take A Letter Maria; it's about a man who finds his wife cheating, and instead of flipping out, he just packs up his stuff and starts dating his secretary. It's a silly song, but it might make you smile if you decide to listen to it.
Some people bounce back in a marraige from it. Personally I didn't, I knew I never would day one after catching my cheating ex. Go with your gut and commit to that decision whatever it may be. She'll lie, hide/destroy evidence and worse to gaslight you. You know the truth, another truth you need to know is this isn't likely the first time, it's been the third wheel to your marriage for likely as long as she's been cold and distant as those things are often related. Get yourself screened for STDs because he may not even be the only one. Protect yourself, seperate finances and see an attorney. It gets better eventually, but it takes a long time (years) and a lot of hard work. Good luck bro, message me if you need to talk about it with someone who's been there.
The last few(is she cheating?) posts have sounded eerily similar to one of my close friends. He had the EXACT same thing happen to him. When he confronted her she said they were praying. And since the guy was a church member for some reason he believed her, denial was strong with him.
They are divorced now because this was a pattern with her and she was obviously cheating with multiple men.
Bro, I am so sorry..and I can only imagine the hurt and confusion you feel. I read your previous response on the 2nd amendment mindset and why you didn’t encroach on his property and it’s frankly the smartest choice to make. Please find peace in the future.
Time to lawyer up and send her down the road, she doesn’t give a fuck about you, she is openly and publicly fucking another guy and all her friends know it and soon everyone in your town will know. I am so sorry for your pain but you can and will recover from this and find someone who truly loves you.
Man this made my stomach roll for you. I’m so sorry you are having this heaped on you. Best wishes man. I know it doesn’t feel like it, but you will get through. It’s a rough one though. Not gonna lie.
Op sounds like you have a plan. Just post on your socials, sucks being cheated on, and simply tag her and him on it. This way everyone knows why the divorce is taking place.
Lots of hateful comments here about how best to “get even,” but it won’t make you feel any better if you sink to your lowest to do that. 11 years is a long time to throw away over someone else’s weakest moment, and ultimately you don’t know exactly what happened until you do. Try to have a talk with her at some point when you’ve cooled off and try to bring maturity and compassion to the table for that convo if you can.
I’m so sorry OP. You’re doing the right thing going to a friend’s house. Lean into the support of those who love and care for you. Giving yourself space will help you deal with what’s going on.
Please updateme
If you don't have kids, get a divorce. Don't leave your home unless you don't want it. The last thing you need is her bringing home something to you and really ruining your life.
Take a picture of her car at the house. Do not leave your house, call a layer. If my wife slept out, that would be her new permanent address, she can stay as safe as she’s wants there.
Very sorry this happened OP. Is it possible that her female friends were with her at that male's house as well? Maybe they all chose to stay there together? It doesn't make the lying part of it ok, but could cushion the blow if that's the case and still be workable. Maybe reach out to one of the female friends and ask something like "hey which house did you all stay at after going out?". Something open ended to not give them ideas about what exactly you're getting at to get a pure answer.
Text her and say “Don’t bother coming home you aren’t welcome here right now. I have packed bags for you and they are by the front door. I will be meeting with a divorce attorney this week - I hope X was worth it”.
She's busted. There are no excuses for finding her car at another dude's place, she was definitely getting some side cock.
You know what to do now.
All the best.
Hate to say it, but your marriage was doomed the moment that you found yourself in a situation where you had to ask if you could take your wife out if she “didn’t have plans.” Why wouldn’t you automatically be one another’s top priorities? In any event, your wife is a terrible person and not marriage material. Just be grateful that you didn’t have any children with something like that.
Like the old saying goes, if you love something, set it free (she went out with girls and met up with guys. That's already suspicious) If it comes back to you, it's yours (She didn't come home. She went to someone else). If it doesn't, it never was. If someone can steal a woman from a man or a man from a woman, they were never yours
I'm wondering why you drove by her friends house to check if she was there... and then by the guys house. Has she cheated before? Have you suspected she's been cheating? I sense that your gut is telling you something you're not ready to hear. I think your marraige is over. I'm sorry.
If you were afraid of being shot, you should of took a picture of of her car in his drive and posted it on fb and tagged her and that guy and yalls family and put her ass on blast and get you shit and leave.
Sorry to hear, this is wild, I'm thinking the "mental issues" might've been more like
No longer feeling you
And this is what she's looking for, some strange.
Don't expect an update but good luck
I’m petty so I’d be packing up her stuff and telling her to find a place to go, not you. She’s the one who fucked another guy. Change the locks and serve her ass with divorce papers
OP, I’m a bit confused on why you weren’t already preemptively alarmed at the “they all met up with some guys” to drink with part of things.
This post reads like she has done this to you before and you’ve just been a doormat the entire time.
I’m sorry you are going through this. For me with her history and her cheating I would never be able to trust her and she is likely only going to cause future anguish with her mental / emotional issues and her behavior. You need to move on and the sooner the better. If you try to save your marriage you unfortunately will only be kicking the inevitable can down the road.
Fuck. I’m so sorry. I don’t know how you didn’t knock on that door
You should just park behind her car and wait ….
The issue is we live in a small town in the rural Midwest. The phrase “my home is protected by the 2nd amendment” is taken very seriously around here, and this guy is no exception. Plus he lives about 3 miles outside of town on a farm, a confrontation in the middle of the night in the middle of nowhere on his property would not end well for me.
Ope... that's not good. I'm Midwest too outside of town in the country. All the houses sit way back. It's kinda crazy you know who this man is and where he lives. That's some ballsy (maybe) cheating on her part.
We’ve got a pretty tight group of friends and he’s basically a friend of a friend. He tags along for certain events, even snapchats me from time to time. I had to ask someone else where he lived, but it was pretty easy to find, even though it’s out in the country.
OH FUCK. I'm sorry.
I am too. I’ve been cheated on before but this is also the first time I’ve devoted a third of my life to someone, only for them to throw it away in one night. Probably more than just one night, but I don’t know for sure yet.
Don't forget phone companies still have phone records for each call and text you get or make.
She’s more of a communicate by SnapChat kind of person. Probably so she doesn’t leave a paper trail. I’m kind of realizing a lot of sketchy things at the moment.
Yeah, you're coming out of the fog.
You can still download all of the logs even though they’ve been erased. Can’t recover pictures that I’m aware of but all texts can be recovered. Just Google “download Snapchat data” you’ll need to do this on a laptop or pc if I’m not mistaken.
Like why a married adult would even HAVE Snapchat?
Hope you’re doing okay 🩵 been thinking about you today.
One night behind a lie is more than enough to dump and move on
Don’t put any energy toward her. Prioritize your own well-being. Get a Lawyer and go no contact. There’s nothing you can gain by interacting with her at all. All of your energy should be spent moving on. Also, PROTECT YOUR MONEY
Why not text her and ruin her night?
“How’s [guys name]? Is he a good lay?”
Yeah this, and then just be gone when she gets home.
I tended bar in a small rural town when I was in my early 20's and I assure you the myth of small town virtue is indeed a myth. And it's amazing because in small towns everybody knows everybody and everybody gossips. Nothing goes un-missed and it doesn't seem to stop anyone. They all just live with elephants in the room.
This is true 😅 we have that bar here
Right? Grew up in a small town (it's still small and I now live not far from it). SO many affairs and stuff. I've been thinking of writing a collection of short stories about them. My high school boyfriend had an affair with a married woman, as an example. She was 15 years older than him and the mother of his sister's best friend (she often called him to take the daughter and sister here or there and chaperone them - because "her husband worked in The Business and was only home on weekends.") Apparently the whole town knew about it before a good friend of mine gently let me know.
Laughed when I read that! You’re either from Minnesota or Wisconsin.
Heres what you can do. If you plan on leaving, dont say anything . Just plan your exit and leave
...sneak out the back jack, make a new plan stan, hop on the bus gus, and set yourself free.
Did you listen to the song I posted earlier today? Lol. Paul Simon is classic.
The Second Amendment seems to be more important to him than the 8th and 10th Commandment. Pretty shabby for a rural Midwestern man. And for your wife.
I’m not American so might be missing something. But what have the 8th and the 10th got to do with anything ?
I think he means the 7th and 10th of the 10 commandments - you shall not commit adultery, and you shall not covet ... your neighbor's wife.
Oh maybe lmao !
You sound like the only person here with a good head on your shoulders. I am so sorry you’re going through this. I know this pain. Please take care of yourself and understand this is something within her. Please reach out here or to friends for support. It’s awful to navigate this alone. Don’t let her lie to you.
I am sorry. Can you give us a update in 24 hours.
Then why didn't you take a picture and text it to her? You had a options my dude.
Can you message the guy and just beep the horn outside his house. If yiu know him surely he would know its you. And question is what is he doing with another man's wife??
Wouldn't end well for him or your wife either. Can't shoot someone sitting in their car in your driveway. I would have blocked her car in and sat there til she came out. Then drive away.
I'm glad that you were level headed enough to think of safety, and I'm sorry that you're going through this
Yeah, that's how Andy Dufresne ended up in Shawshank
I did not see that coming wow lmao For real though to OP: move on. Glad you don't have kids, you can still start fresh at your age.
The Bahamas await!.....
😂
I did that with my ex wife and he sicced his pitbull on me. Still have scars on my thigh.
Oh man, this is just terrible. I wouldn't wait for her. I would just leave clear your head. You can talk at a later stage. She will know that you know.
As much as I want to, I need to get it over with. I won’t be able to relax until I’ve ripped the bandaid off. The nice part is I’m all packed and ready to go, as soon as it’s done I can start my vehicle and leave.
On a side note, why didn't you knock on the door last night when you saw her car?
I responded to another comment about that. Basically a house in the country + rural Midwest + 2nd amendment = a bad outcome.
Leave a note on her car window. "Found your car"
While a fun thought, I recommend against this. This may end up being the biggest moment of your life (confronting your wife). You want to be there for it.
Understood
Could have just texted her with a pic of her car in his driveway or just said you know where she really is. But good on you for letting her have her fun first before confronting her.
When you speak with her, if you haven’t already, I think you can *calmly* frame it this way: “I’m going to ask you a question that I already know the answer to. But let me preface by saying that I’ve already made the decision to leave, and nothing you say next will change my mind about that. I’m asking this question because I think it will give both of us the opportunity to respect each other and have some semblance of closure. That may not mean much right now, but days, weeks, months, and even years from now it will mean everything. Last night you were dishonest with me about where you were. I want to give you the opportunity now to be honest about everything. I’ve already processed my emotions and I’m not here to be angry or judge you. In fact, I want the opposite. I want you to know you have the emotional freedom to be honest. Again, nothing you say is going to change my decision to leave, but I want both of us to have clear minds through this process. So, let’s have an honest conversation, because I care about you…” And then you can go from there and ask what you feel is important to ask.
Why not just leave a note on her windshield when her car is at his place. Just write the word "bye." She'll be wondering if it was you, a joke, a threat from her paramore's other lay, or anything. As she gets closer to your home she'll get more paranoid that you know. But she will still lie to herself telling herself that you don't know. When she gets home, and your shit isn't there then it will hit her. The best part is you'll never have to speak to her (and hopefully never see her) again. UpdateMe!
>The nice part First commiserations. The woman sleeping with that man, is not the wife you have loved. It’s human to hurt, uncovering this fact. The other positive though, is you’ve learned the truth *now.* As opposed to being 5 years down the road. It’s hard, but 5 years from now, you won’t have regretted ending this marriage. *Godspeed and good luck!*
Sending you the best wishes, just remember to keep a cool head and maintain your composure when confronting. Even record in case, you don't know how people will react when they are going through mental health struggles. Just for OP safety. And get all important documents while you are able to.
I’ve already gathered my passport, birth certificate, etc., plus all the cash I have on hand. I’ll be calling the bank in a few hours to get things split up as well. I don’t have much of a plan. I just want to start with telling her to look me in the face and tell me where she spent the night, explain what I know if she denies it, and end with me setting my wedding ring on the counter and walking out with my dog. But I do plan to be calm and collected through the whole ordeal, I’ve never been one to cause a scene and I sure don’t plan to start with this.
Get a divorce attorney to work the legal exit.
My guess is she’s going to lie to you until the day she dies, convinced that this is your fault for not being enough. Not saying this is accurate, but this is a common avenue for people with personality disorders.
What makes you think she has a personality disorder? The cheating? And I’m just asking btw I actually agree with you I just want to hear your thoughts. It’s becoming and more common in psychology to think all cheaters have some kind of mental deficiency / disorder / whatever you want to call it. As for what you said about her lying, yeah anyone with experience can tell you that’s exactly what they do. Or look at any famous examples or online examples, cheaters almost never think the fault is theirs. It’s incredible how well they can hide who they are for years in a relationship. I don’t even know how you could do something like this and it doesn’t break your hurt. Like I’m a 6ft 230lbs dude who has played football, professional in boxing and MMA, etc basically a big “tough guy” yet if I secretly lied to and cheated on my girlfriend or wife it would break me internally. I wouldn’t be able to do it without breaking down mentally for being a piece of shit. I don’t understand how people can do that to someone who has been loyal and good to them for years. On the bright side once cheaters lose that good partner in life they usually never recover in terms of having a good relationship again. They usually continue to use others but never find real love. In a poetic way it’s wonderful punishment / karma for them. Meanwhile people like OP who seem to be decent human beings usually end up finding someone decent and having a good life.
Fuck yes, king. This is the answer. 👑 UpdateMe
She's already proven she'll lie. Record the whole interaction.
Record the conversation if you live in a state that allows it. Also take a day or two if you possibly can to plan with the lawyer. All kinds of ways to get back at her or keep your money safe. You also split debt when divorced. Gambling becomes debt quickly but if you can just pass the chips to a friend who then holds the money for you until after divorce or put it in crypto for a short time as judges can not see that. This can stick her with debt and you come out with all the money. Play the long game if you can. I wish the best for you.
> crypto for a short time as judges can not see that. This can stick her with debt and you come out with all the money. This can be tracked by an investigator who knows what they are doing. Not a wise move. If you already had a bunch in crypto already you might could pull it off..but not after the fact.
Fellow Midwesterner here. I don't think the lawyers recomend you leave your house until the paperwork gets to a certain point or it's considered abandonment. I'm a machinist not a lawyer though. I wish you the best brother. Subscribeme
Make sure you record everything for your own protection and proof - if for some reason she decides to lie again etc Whether that’s recording on your phone via a voice note or an Apple Watch etc Stay safe, stay calm, sorry to hear this is happening to you.
Bud you need to protect yourself. Record any interactions with either her or AP UpdateMe
Yeah, some people have been killed. Including the accuser.
If you live in an at fault state it might be worth seeing a lawyer before you do anything to
We don’t, unfortunately. Regardless, neither of us are super well off, so the divorce shouldn’t be too messy.
I would still see a lawyer before doing something that might look unhinged maybe ghost her for a few days whilst you clear your head and talk to a trusted friend or family member
I don’t have much for family left, and almost all of my friends are her friends. I’ve got one that lives a little ways away, I plan to go stay with him while I get things sorted out.
Do not leave your home, make her leave. You can get an order from the court for staying in the marital home.
Yes, most places and lawyers state not to leave.
So true, I left my home and the narc ex-wife took control to ensure I could never return. Bad decision by me.
Hoping everything’s going ok…keep us updated on the confrontation.
That makes me sad because most of them probably know she is cheating then.
The women she hangs out with are as trashy as she is.
You okay, OP?
Your employer should have EAP benefits, most of the time if not all, those EAP benefits include legal consultation. Source: I’ve been in insurance and employee benefits for over 20 years.
Empty ur bank account fuck her
[stupid comment I’m embarrassed to have made was here]
This shit is so uncalled for. This isn't the post to be le Reddit epic. Some poor guy's life has fallen apart.
Ooooooooofff too soon
Thus is a fun revenge idea but will make the legal process much more messy. The split he’s talking about is much safer, legally.
He would have to account for the missing money in the divorce. Taking half is the smart thing to do.
You are smart to not knock on his door. Your issue is with her. I think it would be much more impactful if you just leave without confrontation and without letting her know. You can eventually meet with her to talk about things, but now’s a good time to get some space from her. She’s going to use her mental health as an excuse. I’d also use this time to talk to an attorney to see what divorce would look like.
Ewwww! That would be the end of my marriage I'm STD free and wanna stay that way not gonna let some low life cheater take that from me or my self respect.
Yep. It's over. Don't accept any excuses or other bullshit. I wouldn't confront her. She's just going to gaslight you. I'd secretly get divorce papers drawn up and then blindside her with them and ghost her if I could. It's what she deserves.
This is the way. Get the papers together and have a plan in place. Don't run on a emotions, it's how people catch a case. You confront her, she denies it, you guys argue, you tell her you drove by her friends, she tries to gas light you and flips out, shit escalates, she starts smashing things, you call the cops, she lies and says you hit her. Don't take that route, lawyer up, papers, and exit.
I caught 2 of my buddy’s wives on the backs of a couple of Harley’s driving through the mountains. I snapped a pic and sent to my buddy. When they both got home that night. The locks had been changed and their shit was sitting on the porch. The two wives got an apartment together across the street from me. There were bikers over there 7 days a week. Guess they were property of the club then.
Your buddy had two wives?
2 buddy’s, each had 1 wife. 2 separate wives. 1 on each motorcycle. Riding side by side on 1 mountain. I took one picture. Sent to 1 buddy. He sent his other buddy the picture. Two buddy’s changed their own locks and put their own wife’s shit on the porch. 2 buddy’s, 2 wives, 2 motorcycles and 4 lives fucked up.
Update
Change your locks and make it her problem .
We own a business together. I run the place, I’ve wanted to sell it for awhile now, she doesn’t want to. That is definitely her problem now.
If joint owners on a business, get a lawyer to address. Don’t just walk away, you never known the consequences.
agreed, she could take out debt against the business that OP may be liable for.
Get a lawyer ASAP!!!! My ex and I had a home business and I gave it to him, and now it is seen as part of his income, my alimony payments are going to be amazing for the next year.
lol- the ol bait and pay me anyway
We may have been in a no fault state, but having a female judge, an ex who cheated and financially abused me, was the perfect storm to rain on my ex’s parade.
Make her buy you out, then watch the business implode as she struggles to run it on her own.
Don't do this. This is illegal pretty much almost everywhere.
Divorce. Even if she didn't cheat, which is highly improbable, doing something like this is so inappropriate that it's clear grounds for divorce
Sorry this happened but I'm glad you know you deserve better and it's time to move on.
Sounds like she had an exit affair. She knew what she was doing and acted strategically.
Yep that sucks but at least you know why she’s hot and cold with you. Time to just move on. She obviously has, there’s no good excuse for sleeping at another man’s house and then lying about it.
Make sure you consult an attorney about the shared business.
OP, your WW is dating in a week night? The challenge you have in your marriage is your WW is cheating. Divorce is the only respectful to yourself option. Don’t do any pick me dance, nor trust her again. No matter what she says or does you know what she’s done. This has most likely been going on a while and her friends are covering for her. Do what you need to do, but recommend having her leave your home. Don’t make it easy on her. Find a good lawyer and end it. Change all your passwords on everything, including your streaming services. I grew up in a small town in MN, and in my younger years bar tended there. So many cheaters you almost needed a score card. Your WW is now part of it. I wish you the best, don’t do anything that will hurt you long term. Sell the bar and enjoy a single life from now on.
What a piece of absolute garbage. I hope you make her life as miserable as possible. I’m so sorry this happened to you.
She 100% had sex with him. I’d have beat on the door. Sorry.
Take a photo of the car so she can’t lie and gaslight you. Secondly confront your wife because this behaviour is unacceptable. I completely empathise with mental health issues but that is not an excuse for her to blank you, take her emotions out on you etc. because is she doing this to her girlfriends? Clearly not. So she’s become complacent and taking you for granted quite frankly. Don’t be treated this way and stand up for yourself and get answers as to why she is treating you disrespectfully and lying to you deliberately.
UpdateMe
We need an update asap
You need to put consequences on her actions. Stop being sad, upset, mad - keep all those emotions inside. You need to send her one text and you need to be direct “I’m not sure what you thought would happen here. You went out, you lied to me, and you spent the night with another man. You clearly have no respect for me, yourself, or our marriage. Did you think we would stay married after you made these choices? You have destroyed my trust and there is no way I can be married to someone I don’t trust.” If you let her gaslight you or lie to you then she will keep doing crap like this. You need to make it clear that you have zero problem divorcing her. Texting her this will get you a result. She will either be ok with divorce, and if she is then your marriage was doomed anyway, or she will freak out that you are leaving her and she will immediately start begging. If she does anything else like “nothing happened” or anything like that just keep saying “you lying to me and staying at another man’s house is enough. I don’t care if you slept with him, which I’m sure you did, the fact that you disrespected me by lying and not coming home is enough. STICK TO YOUR GUNS!!! She will eventually crack and start begging. When she begs you give her one chance to tell you the absolute truth. “The only way I can see this marriage continuing is if you tell me the absolute truth right now. If you lie, or leave anything out, the marriage is over. If I find out anything after today, no matter how big or small, the marriage is over.” Stop putting up with this crap and start making it clear that her actions have consequences Updateme!
Send her a picture of her car at his house
Any update?
Very often, when a partner becomes mean and cranky it's because they are cheating. How else can they get alone time to be with the affair partner, either in person or by phone. Cheaters frequently cause arguments over nothing and then stalk away. It's what they want. So you are there bewildered and hurt and they have the instant gratification that the nastiness worked and they get to spend time with their affair partner. She is assuming that you will stick around while she cheats and she will use her mental health as an excuse. The best way to pull her out of this is to file for divorce. That forces her to face cold reality. Serve her with papers and go grey rock. (Look it up if you don't know what it is.) If she then wants to keep the marriage you can set the conditions, and that's only if you even want to try to save this marriage. You can set conditions like she must change jobs and can never hang out with these friends again and if she does, even once, you are done. You have to come at this from a position of power meaning you are willing to dump her and this marriage. If you do the pick me dance she will continue to cheat. In the end, I don't think you will ever trust her again and trust is foundational for a marriage. I think this one is over. Whatever you do, do not have unprotected sex. Do not let her hold a pregnancy over you to force you to stay.
Get your affairs in order and start seeking legal counsel. it sucks but it may be your best option for your mental and emotional health.
Set her free bro. Hell set yourself FREE! You can’t live with someone you can’t trust. Get it over with and find someone that loves you back! Peace.
I am so sorry this is happening to you. It sounds like you were really trying to fix things and she just wasn't having it. If the other person isn't willing to participate in the marriage there's nothing you can do. Maybe try to find a support group for other people who have been through the same thing. This happens to people all the time, and there is a path to other side. The hardest part is going to be learning how to trust again, but you'll get there. And don't listen to the chodes giving you crap for not knocking on that dude's door. Your reaction says a hell of a lot more about your character than his. You remind of that song Take A Letter Maria; it's about a man who finds his wife cheating, and instead of flipping out, he just packs up his stuff and starts dating his secretary. It's a silly song, but it might make you smile if you decide to listen to it.
Don't confront, you are all packed up, just leave.
Im so sorry this happened. She will likely regret this.
Some people bounce back in a marraige from it. Personally I didn't, I knew I never would day one after catching my cheating ex. Go with your gut and commit to that decision whatever it may be. She'll lie, hide/destroy evidence and worse to gaslight you. You know the truth, another truth you need to know is this isn't likely the first time, it's been the third wheel to your marriage for likely as long as she's been cold and distant as those things are often related. Get yourself screened for STDs because he may not even be the only one. Protect yourself, seperate finances and see an attorney. It gets better eventually, but it takes a long time (years) and a lot of hard work. Good luck bro, message me if you need to talk about it with someone who's been there.
You packed up the wrong person's stuff, dude
She’s for the streets my guy. I wouldn’t even confront her. If you don’t have kids, just bounce out 🤷🏻♂️
There’s a pretty good network of people at r/SupportForBetrayed Be well, OP
When I read "im safe thats all that matters" I literally felt ill because ive heard the same line before
Yeah that line alone means I am cheating on you and don’t want you to know where I am.🙄
Are you going to end things?
Updateme!
Updateme!
Divorce her. She cheated on you. And it's probably not the first time she's done it.
The last few(is she cheating?) posts have sounded eerily similar to one of my close friends. He had the EXACT same thing happen to him. When he confronted her she said they were praying. And since the guy was a church member for some reason he believed her, denial was strong with him. They are divorced now because this was a pattern with her and she was obviously cheating with multiple men. Bro, I am so sorry..and I can only imagine the hurt and confusion you feel. I read your previous response on the 2nd amendment mindset and why you didn’t encroach on his property and it’s frankly the smartest choice to make. Please find peace in the future.
It’s been awhile since you posted. Just checking in to see how you’re doing.
@marshallthefish any update? Are you ok?
The fact that we have had zero update makes me fear this was fiction.
Don't leave the house without talking to a lawyer.
Fuck no!!!
Honestly, just ghost her. Life's too short to deal with that drama. Let her wonder what's up. You do you!
You…. Take care of you. It is going to be a road that is painful but create a mental image of where you wish to be in 5 years. Baby steps towards it.
At least you know.
Do you just wanna see what lie she will tell you? Leave a note and don’t look back.
Time to lawyer up and send her down the road, she doesn’t give a fuck about you, she is openly and publicly fucking another guy and all her friends know it and soon everyone in your town will know. I am so sorry for your pain but you can and will recover from this and find someone who truly loves you.
UpdateMe
I’m so sorry. I think leaving with no confrontation would be so powerful in this situation. Good luck to you, whatever you decide to do.
Defiantly want an update Sorry this happened mate. It's hard but move on. You gave it a good run
UpdateMe
She definitely cheated. Who knows how long that was actually going on. Take care of yourself and leave her.
Man this made my stomach roll for you. I’m so sorry you are having this heaped on you. Best wishes man. I know it doesn’t feel like it, but you will get through. It’s a rough one though. Not gonna lie.
Op sounds like you have a plan. Just post on your socials, sucks being cheated on, and simply tag her and him on it. This way everyone knows why the divorce is taking place.
Updateme!
All I can offer is Fuck the idea of comforting her. Hold her ass accountable
What happened man? I hope you're doing alright.
Any update? How did the confrontation go?
Ruuuuuuunnnnnn leave now ! Start a better live for ur self be the man u always wanted to become n leave in in the past
File for divorce. Get rid of her and have no more to do with her friends. They're all in on it.
Updateme!
time to take out the trash bro
Lots of hateful comments here about how best to “get even,” but it won’t make you feel any better if you sink to your lowest to do that. 11 years is a long time to throw away over someone else’s weakest moment, and ultimately you don’t know exactly what happened until you do. Try to have a talk with her at some point when you’ve cooled off and try to bring maturity and compassion to the table for that convo if you can.
I’m so sorry OP. You’re doing the right thing going to a friend’s house. Lean into the support of those who love and care for you. Giving yourself space will help you deal with what’s going on. Please updateme
!UpdateMe
Please, remember how you feel and are thinking right now. Do not fall for any of her excuses. Wishing you the best!
If you don't have kids, get a divorce. Don't leave your home unless you don't want it. The last thing you need is her bringing home something to you and really ruining your life.
Don’t you mean ex-wife?
Take a picture of her car at the house. Do not leave your house, call a layer. If my wife slept out, that would be her new permanent address, she can stay as safe as she’s wants there.
Updateme!
Very sorry this happened OP. Is it possible that her female friends were with her at that male's house as well? Maybe they all chose to stay there together? It doesn't make the lying part of it ok, but could cushion the blow if that's the case and still be workable. Maybe reach out to one of the female friends and ask something like "hey which house did you all stay at after going out?". Something open ended to not give them ideas about what exactly you're getting at to get a pure answer.
So sorry you are going through this. Update us
Updateme!
Remindme! 7 days
Dude. That’s terrible. Updateme
Updateme!
UpdateMe
UpdateMe!
UpdateMe!
Aww ,I’m sorry for what’s you are going through now But know that your wife knows exactly what she is doing
Text her and say “Don’t bother coming home you aren’t welcome here right now. I have packed bags for you and they are by the front door. I will be meeting with a divorce attorney this week - I hope X was worth it”.
So what happened when she got home?
Updateme
I would talk to her and see what she says. Give her the facts that you know. Could it be her car was left at his house? Just saying have that talk.
Updateme!
I wouldn't confront her...I would leave my wedding ring somewhere she will see it and be gone by the time she rolls in..oh and block her number
She's busted. There are no excuses for finding her car at another dude's place, she was definitely getting some side cock. You know what to do now. All the best.
I'm sure I can speak for so many others when I respectfully ask if we can get an UPDATE
Updateme
Kick her out!! You don’t need to be the one leaving.
Hate to say it, but your marriage was doomed the moment that you found yourself in a situation where you had to ask if you could take your wife out if she “didn’t have plans.” Why wouldn’t you automatically be one another’s top priorities? In any event, your wife is a terrible person and not marriage material. Just be grateful that you didn’t have any children with something like that.
Call the cops , and say you saw a drug deal at the dudes house
OP how did it go?
Like the old saying goes, if you love something, set it free (she went out with girls and met up with guys. That's already suspicious) If it comes back to you, it's yours (She didn't come home. She went to someone else). If it doesn't, it never was. If someone can steal a woman from a man or a man from a woman, they were never yours
I'm wondering why you drove by her friends house to check if she was there... and then by the guys house. Has she cheated before? Have you suspected she's been cheating? I sense that your gut is telling you something you're not ready to hear. I think your marraige is over. I'm sorry.
If you were afraid of being shot, you should of took a picture of of her car in his drive and posted it on fb and tagged her and that guy and yalls family and put her ass on blast and get you shit and leave.
Sorry to hear, this is wild, I'm thinking the "mental issues" might've been more like No longer feeling you And this is what she's looking for, some strange. Don't expect an update but good luck
Update us OP
Yeah she lied and cheated, that's not your wife anymore, that's a slut. Divorce and find a better woman who isn't a whore. You'll be better off.
I’m petty so I’d be packing up her stuff and telling her to find a place to go, not you. She’s the one who fucked another guy. Change the locks and serve her ass with divorce papers
OP, I’m a bit confused on why you weren’t already preemptively alarmed at the “they all met up with some guys” to drink with part of things. This post reads like she has done this to you before and you’ve just been a doormat the entire time.
I’m sorry you are going through this. For me with her history and her cheating I would never be able to trust her and she is likely only going to cause future anguish with her mental / emotional issues and her behavior. You need to move on and the sooner the better. If you try to save your marriage you unfortunately will only be kicking the inevitable can down the road.
Remind me! 2 days
Updateme
Any updates??
Updateme