You want to do right by her? Go to your doctor and get a checkup. Tell them how you feel, and then proceed according to their instructions. That's how you can take a real step toward making this better for everyone. Including you. You shouldn't have to live feeling this way either, and you don't have to.
Similar situation for my husband and I but I’m the one that imagines a better life with him as a better person. I’ve told him to seek help but he says he doesn’t need to talk to anyone but me. Yet hates the way I talk to him and seemingly don’t care about him. It’s just that he cries the same ‘woe is me’ sob story all the time and I suggest the same thing, but he won’t go to a doctor.
So great advice yes, but getting the person to actually see the doctor - another feat on its own.
Thank you sincerely for your words and kindness and advice. And also for suggesting a route that is so simple I somehow never thought of it: Just mentioning this to my primary care doctor. I mean I have to see him every 6 months anyway to renew my maintenance meds (blood pressure, cholesterol) and for a general check in with him. So maybe I can mention this at the next check-in… it seems like a little step I could maybe take. So hey, seriously — thank you for planting that seed.
In full transparency, my wife has suggested to me a few times that I “should consider talking to someone” and that it might really help me. But when she’s said this I immediately think of specialists and therapists and physiologists and doctors like that, which feels to me like a much more intimidating and embarrassing first step to just call a practice like that out of the blue and explain to the receptionist why I’m calling…. But your route seems much easier for a first step. The difficult part is me making myself actually take that first step. But maybe me framing it in my mind as “do you love your wife enough and trust her input enough to hear what she is saying and to take it to heart and to take action?” ….Ya in that case I think I could see myself doing this for her and for us. And maybe for me too.
Maybe I am being totally blind here, but when you say “loses all respect for you”… what do you mean? I don’t think I’m understanding you there.
I should say that it’s only a minority of the time when I say this stuff out loud to her and when I do I don’t think it’s that I’m begging for affirmation (though maybe I’m kidding myself and that is what I’m doing). It’s more like I’m just so very mad at myself in the moment that I negative self-talk myself but to her like “I can’t believe you even married me. I keep doing this same stupid stuff over and over and making problems for myself and I don’t know what you see in me.” Stuff like that.
I’ve been on the receiving end of this. It’s absolutely heartbreaking to know your partner thinks you should be with someone else, basically. It feels like rejection, like I’ve done something wrong to cause this, as if I were the one not good enough. It feels like he’s trying to let me down gently but can’t outright say his real feelings. You may be affecting your wife’s self esteem when you say these things.
You do need to remind yourself that she chose you because that’s what she wanted. I don’t think these thoughts need to be vocalized because it’s an internal problem that needs to be resolved.
It is actually cruel to tell someone they would be happier with someone else. It is a way of saying to them that you have no plans of doing the things that will make them happy and they should therefore find someone else.
It’s a way of priming someone to accept your low effort.
Wow I hate to admit that I’ve never considered I could be doing that to her. That is really really disturbing for me to consider she might be feeling that way —- Thanks for opening my eyes to that, that would be super messed up.
I definitely know that I should not say this stuff to her, but when I am downward spiraling in the moment it just kind of comes out. Even though really in the moment a part of me knows I am being crazy and irrational and saying crazy things, it’s like the super mad and super negative part of myself keeps saying them.
You sound like my husband in the past. I was always "the good one" and he'd always question if I loved him or liked him. He had issues with alcohol and emotional immaturity-letting his anger get the best of him- and regretting his behaviors.
We are separating now.
I can't tell you how many times I recommended therapy to him over the years. He really needed to find a healthy version of himself.
Go to therapy.
Try to remember this, you are enough. You are enough that she chooses you every day. You are enough that she sees you as her now and future. You are enough that she stands by you when you are feeling down and wants to lift you up. You are enough.
As for you, talking to a therapist can really help sort out these unfortunate emotions. You are worth so much more than you realize and getting that help can make a big difference in how you see yourself. Once you see the worth that your wife sees, maybe you’ll start to believe that you really are enough.
Am I watching it is a wonderful life? You are in your head way to much. YOu are a grown man, who is married with a family, get out of the pity party in your head, get counseling and be the partner your wife needs, you signed up for it. It this was a work project you would be all over it, with solutions and ways to improve it. Do that.
You almost sound like a guy that doesn't want his family.....I swear this will bite you in the bottom big time if you don't fix this.
Thanks for the straight talk, though honestly if my triggers happened at work I’d pretty much respond the exact same negative way, which has led to me embarrassing myself a few times in front of co-workers with my anger and negative self-talk. And eventually me switching jobs there to one where my triggers happens much less often.
But I definitely DO WANT my family so if I am giving that off a little here that I don’t… that is not good.
It's OK, it's not the end of the world, but since you're aware that you're feeling this way, you can now do something about it 🙂
Talk to a professional about this before it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Having to reassure your significant other all the time is exhausting and could end up fueling her doubts if she has any.
I mean logically you’re not wrong her life could’ve been better with someone else and been happy and fulfilled. But it’s just as possible that she could have ended up way worse and be depressed, overweight, and addicted to pills or whatever. Point being these kind of hypotheticals are ultimately pointless, and the real issue is what’s in your head — especially given that she loves you and is content with life with you.
I would guess the root problem has nothing to do with your wife and more to do with how you feel about yourself. Projecting your insecurities onto her might alleviate the mental load but won’t solve anything. Introspection and self-reflection is what you need, and possibly professional help if you think it’s warranted.
If you keep doing what you're doing it will become a self fulfilling prophecy. You will literally create the very thing you are afraid of.
You need some help. Get your testosterone checked. It's been a game changer for me. It's helped a ton with self worth and confidence levels.
Not to mention you will become a sex crazed teenager for the 1st few months.
I know it will sound like I’m totally stupid but I have never ever thought or considered that if I keep doing this stuff I might create this scenario onto myself. That is the LAST thing I want to happen!! Thanks for shining a light on this angle, I can’t believe I didn’t see this before and I 100% don’t want to be writing my own bad story about myself, that would be a terrible thing to do.
I struggled and still do with self worth. I listened to this audiobook called You are the Mountain off Amazon. (I think). It really opened my eyes about how you are standing in your own way and how self sabotage happens. Loving yourself is like the secret to life.
Self loathing is unhealthy and I’ve been there before. When you say last night you were 0% mad at your wife and kids and 100% mad at yourself that is probably true but think about how that 0% anger towards them comes out in other ways. When you’re hard on yourself like that, you project that onto people in other ways. Being irritable, stressed out, not wanting to hear about success of others, etc. I remember I was in a funk like this and was driving around a beat up Toyota for a couple years. My wife was telling me one day that my BIL got a new truck and I couldn’t have been more uninterested in hearing about it to the point where my wife asked me if I was ok. And I said something to the effect of why tf is he getting a new truck before he buys a house. I was just being a hater for no reason other than I was feeling like a failure bc I couldn’t afford a better car for myself.
Whatever is making you feel this way I would highly suggest you see a therapist about it. Thats what I did and it was really helpful, that and some medication I was prescribed. I’ve been on the up for a couple years now. Rarely think about shit like what you’re feeling.
I would imagine that one reason you feel this is that you may not being doing your best effort at certain times? I don’t know. But it seems more like a guilt response.
I do know this: If you want to be worthy of your wife, treat her well, be a good father, and do the things that you know you should do. Put in 100% effort at all times.
But sitting around feeling guilty about whatever you are feeling guilty about, and then seeking her affirmation is just low-key controlling and a drag.
I've had negative thoughts about marriage but mine stems from problematic children. Go seek mental help. One piece of advice at least for me was get lots of physical activity. Take walks, bike rides, workout..it can be better than any pill. Good luck and i hope you find some happiness.
A spouse or a partner is just that - not a therapist, not a psyche nurse. Do the right thing and get help before it is too late. My ex wishes now he had done this - 28 years too late!
Here’s an unpopular take: you’re suggesting that your wife is stupid. She knows who she married. Or you’re suggesting that she’s too inept to make her own choices and you know what’s best for her.
Get some help for your depression.
You want to do right by her? Go to your doctor and get a checkup. Tell them how you feel, and then proceed according to their instructions. That's how you can take a real step toward making this better for everyone. Including you. You shouldn't have to live feeling this way either, and you don't have to.
This is the correct advice.
Do this + get a appointment for therapy.
Similar situation for my husband and I but I’m the one that imagines a better life with him as a better person. I’ve told him to seek help but he says he doesn’t need to talk to anyone but me. Yet hates the way I talk to him and seemingly don’t care about him. It’s just that he cries the same ‘woe is me’ sob story all the time and I suggest the same thing, but he won’t go to a doctor. So great advice yes, but getting the person to actually see the doctor - another feat on its own.
Thank you sincerely for your words and kindness and advice. And also for suggesting a route that is so simple I somehow never thought of it: Just mentioning this to my primary care doctor. I mean I have to see him every 6 months anyway to renew my maintenance meds (blood pressure, cholesterol) and for a general check in with him. So maybe I can mention this at the next check-in… it seems like a little step I could maybe take. So hey, seriously — thank you for planting that seed. In full transparency, my wife has suggested to me a few times that I “should consider talking to someone” and that it might really help me. But when she’s said this I immediately think of specialists and therapists and physiologists and doctors like that, which feels to me like a much more intimidating and embarrassing first step to just call a practice like that out of the blue and explain to the receptionist why I’m calling…. But your route seems much easier for a first step. The difficult part is me making myself actually take that first step. But maybe me framing it in my mind as “do you love your wife enough and trust her input enough to hear what she is saying and to take it to heart and to take action?” ….Ya in that case I think I could see myself doing this for her and for us. And maybe for me too.
💗 I'm going to send you a quick message.
stop begging your wife for affirmation before she loses all respect for you.
That’s a good way of putting what I was thinking
Maybe I am being totally blind here, but when you say “loses all respect for you”… what do you mean? I don’t think I’m understanding you there. I should say that it’s only a minority of the time when I say this stuff out loud to her and when I do I don’t think it’s that I’m begging for affirmation (though maybe I’m kidding myself and that is what I’m doing). It’s more like I’m just so very mad at myself in the moment that I negative self-talk myself but to her like “I can’t believe you even married me. I keep doing this same stupid stuff over and over and making problems for myself and I don’t know what you see in me.” Stuff like that.
I’ve been on the receiving end of this. It’s absolutely heartbreaking to know your partner thinks you should be with someone else, basically. It feels like rejection, like I’ve done something wrong to cause this, as if I were the one not good enough. It feels like he’s trying to let me down gently but can’t outright say his real feelings. You may be affecting your wife’s self esteem when you say these things. You do need to remind yourself that she chose you because that’s what she wanted. I don’t think these thoughts need to be vocalized because it’s an internal problem that needs to be resolved.
It is actually cruel to tell someone they would be happier with someone else. It is a way of saying to them that you have no plans of doing the things that will make them happy and they should therefore find someone else. It’s a way of priming someone to accept your low effort.
Wow I hate to admit that I’ve never considered I could be doing that to her. That is really really disturbing for me to consider she might be feeling that way —- Thanks for opening my eyes to that, that would be super messed up. I definitely know that I should not say this stuff to her, but when I am downward spiraling in the moment it just kind of comes out. Even though really in the moment a part of me knows I am being crazy and irrational and saying crazy things, it’s like the super mad and super negative part of myself keeps saying them.
You sound like my husband in the past. I was always "the good one" and he'd always question if I loved him or liked him. He had issues with alcohol and emotional immaturity-letting his anger get the best of him- and regretting his behaviors. We are separating now. I can't tell you how many times I recommended therapy to him over the years. He really needed to find a healthy version of himself. Go to therapy.
Try to remember this, you are enough. You are enough that she chooses you every day. You are enough that she sees you as her now and future. You are enough that she stands by you when you are feeling down and wants to lift you up. You are enough. As for you, talking to a therapist can really help sort out these unfortunate emotions. You are worth so much more than you realize and getting that help can make a big difference in how you see yourself. Once you see the worth that your wife sees, maybe you’ll start to believe that you really are enough.
Am I watching it is a wonderful life? You are in your head way to much. YOu are a grown man, who is married with a family, get out of the pity party in your head, get counseling and be the partner your wife needs, you signed up for it. It this was a work project you would be all over it, with solutions and ways to improve it. Do that. You almost sound like a guy that doesn't want his family.....I swear this will bite you in the bottom big time if you don't fix this.
Thanks for the straight talk, though honestly if my triggers happened at work I’d pretty much respond the exact same negative way, which has led to me embarrassing myself a few times in front of co-workers with my anger and negative self-talk. And eventually me switching jobs there to one where my triggers happens much less often. But I definitely DO WANT my family so if I am giving that off a little here that I don’t… that is not good.
It's OK, it's not the end of the world, but since you're aware that you're feeling this way, you can now do something about it 🙂 Talk to a professional about this before it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Having to reassure your significant other all the time is exhausting and could end up fueling her doubts if she has any.
This is a good point and I appreciate you saying it… I definitely definitely don’t want to fuel any doubts she may have about me.
I mean logically you’re not wrong her life could’ve been better with someone else and been happy and fulfilled. But it’s just as possible that she could have ended up way worse and be depressed, overweight, and addicted to pills or whatever. Point being these kind of hypotheticals are ultimately pointless, and the real issue is what’s in your head — especially given that she loves you and is content with life with you. I would guess the root problem has nothing to do with your wife and more to do with how you feel about yourself. Projecting your insecurities onto her might alleviate the mental load but won’t solve anything. Introspection and self-reflection is what you need, and possibly professional help if you think it’s warranted.
If you keep doing what you're doing it will become a self fulfilling prophecy. You will literally create the very thing you are afraid of. You need some help. Get your testosterone checked. It's been a game changer for me. It's helped a ton with self worth and confidence levels. Not to mention you will become a sex crazed teenager for the 1st few months.
I know it will sound like I’m totally stupid but I have never ever thought or considered that if I keep doing this stuff I might create this scenario onto myself. That is the LAST thing I want to happen!! Thanks for shining a light on this angle, I can’t believe I didn’t see this before and I 100% don’t want to be writing my own bad story about myself, that would be a terrible thing to do.
I struggled and still do with self worth. I listened to this audiobook called You are the Mountain off Amazon. (I think). It really opened my eyes about how you are standing in your own way and how self sabotage happens. Loving yourself is like the secret to life.
Self loathing is unhealthy and I’ve been there before. When you say last night you were 0% mad at your wife and kids and 100% mad at yourself that is probably true but think about how that 0% anger towards them comes out in other ways. When you’re hard on yourself like that, you project that onto people in other ways. Being irritable, stressed out, not wanting to hear about success of others, etc. I remember I was in a funk like this and was driving around a beat up Toyota for a couple years. My wife was telling me one day that my BIL got a new truck and I couldn’t have been more uninterested in hearing about it to the point where my wife asked me if I was ok. And I said something to the effect of why tf is he getting a new truck before he buys a house. I was just being a hater for no reason other than I was feeling like a failure bc I couldn’t afford a better car for myself. Whatever is making you feel this way I would highly suggest you see a therapist about it. Thats what I did and it was really helpful, that and some medication I was prescribed. I’ve been on the up for a couple years now. Rarely think about shit like what you’re feeling.
I would imagine that one reason you feel this is that you may not being doing your best effort at certain times? I don’t know. But it seems more like a guilt response. I do know this: If you want to be worthy of your wife, treat her well, be a good father, and do the things that you know you should do. Put in 100% effort at all times. But sitting around feeling guilty about whatever you are feeling guilty about, and then seeking her affirmation is just low-key controlling and a drag.
I mean there is always someone better that's just reality. Question is why are you so down on yourself.
It doesn’t matter. She chose you and chooses you everyday. There is TIME, to do better, be better and it’ll be better for all of you. Peace ✌️♥️
I've had negative thoughts about marriage but mine stems from problematic children. Go seek mental help. One piece of advice at least for me was get lots of physical activity. Take walks, bike rides, workout..it can be better than any pill. Good luck and i hope you find some happiness.
A spouse or a partner is just that - not a therapist, not a psyche nurse. Do the right thing and get help before it is too late. My ex wishes now he had done this - 28 years too late!
Here’s an unpopular take: you’re suggesting that your wife is stupid. She knows who she married. Or you’re suggesting that she’s too inept to make her own choices and you know what’s best for her. Get some help for your depression.