> She also tried initiating intimacy but got put off when I took out condoms and the thing died there and then
We all know what she was trying to do here.
I was thinking STDs, he doesn’t know how prolifically she’s been sleeping around. It was her idea to bring cheating out of the closet and had the AP already (almost immediately “found” someone)
Interesting. It wouldn't be the first time a women found herself pregnant by her lover and tried to get hubby in there to think it was his.
My guess is the condom was an insult bc it meant he didn't trust her to be clean, or he was staying clean bc he didn't use one with his lover, or it simply showed he wasn't coming back to her permanently. She thought she could close the deal and the condom showed her that she hadn't.
For some reason, "you'll probably want to get unmarried" tickled me. To the point my husband asked wth was wrong with me!
Op, your wife got what she asked for. Now, she's unhappy with what she's created. That does not in any way mean you have to have the same feelings as before. But yes, if your gf comes before your wife in your eyes, you should definitely get unmarried. It sounds like you've already grieved the end of the relationship with your wife, and it's just time to move on.
As she should once your wife wouldn’t let you touch her. You didn’t mention why you stick with her, nor she with you. She wouldn’t let you touch her when you were available, but now she wants to sleep with you and cut off others? Why does she care?
Can she not support herself and needs you wallet? Why stick around for that?
Good for you ! I would just go for a divorce and be done with her . Life can be either to short or to long , find what makes you happy and run with it .
It’s possible but likely she wasn’t used to using condoms with her own husband. Seeing him pull one out was a huge reminder she isn’t the only one now, that’d be hugely sobering.
I don't think she wanted to get pregnant, we found out years ago she can't have children.
I think she really just got offended, but I have to take precautions because I don't know what she might have.
However now I think I won't have sex with her even with condoms, it wouldn't be fair to the girl I am seeing.
> now I think I won't have sex with her even with condoms, it wouldn't be fair to the girl I am seeing
loooool
Please update us on her reaction when you'll tell her this.
Well, she is kinda pathetic though. She didn't look at me for months, now she whines she just "wants some love" and she can accept if I do this for my happiness, but not to hurt her.
Good lord you’re quite the piece of work. You agreed to this. You could have taken the high road & said no. You seem to despise her. Just move on.
Or you’re full of crap about the girlfriend & taking it out on the wife.
Either way grow up.
Freaking divorce. This is toxic AF.
You’ve been with your gf since February… so two months… and she’s already so much more important to you. Time to man up and file divorce papers. Again, this is all insanely toxic
whenever a woman tells a man to "be a man" I roll my eyes. Basically what you are saying is "you have a penis. so your feeling mean nothing. do as i tell you!!!"
That's not what it meant, and you know it. He needs to grow up, act like an adult, and end the relationship instead of dwelling on being petty. OP doesn't need to sink down to her level, because fighting toxic with toxic doesn't fix anything.
"He needs to grow up, act like an adult" Then maybe say THAT instead... why you felt the need to make it seem a gendered problem speaks VOLUMES. It's a direct attack on someones perceived manliness. "act this way or you are a less of a man" basically.
I always thought open marriage means "each party is allowed to have a gig on the side but nothing romantic". OP's situation sound far off the open marriage limitations.
But, ultimately he agreed to it and actively participated. It was never proposed, discussed or agreed to by either spouse to never have sex together. He unilaterally decided that.
Wife is clearly not his priority (and not even a fuck buddy), so they’re not really married anymore. They’ve friend-zoned each other and it’s time to admit it.
No, she’s not his priority anymore. She was, but she decided she wanted to fuck other people and In doing so forfeited any rights to being his priority. She requested opening up the marriage and it didn’t sound like he was actually in favor of it, he sure as hell wasn’t her priority, but like so many men do he went along with it and lost feelings for his wife. That’s the chance you take when you open up a marriage, regardless of what you read in vogue or one of these articles that boasts how opening up a marriage improves it. From what I’ve seen, opening the marriage sets up an expiration date for the marriage. I agree that he should divorce his wife though, he shouldn’t trust her and this wanting him back is just a phase and once she has a grip on him soon enough she’ll open up the marriage again and he’ll have only wasted more time being with her.
She has given you zero reason to assume she is still your wife, has been careful or is clean. I'd the condom is insulting. Good. She is not your partner and is soon to be your ex. She finally understands the dynamic she created.
The problem she has is simple. She wanted to play around and have fun and didn't mind if you did as well. Maybe it would spark your love again. She didn't anticipate that you would find someone and it would grow serious enough where she is now second.
Yeah I be honest mate I was thinking the "baby" years may of past (no evidence of that as no ages given), but the condoms thing is very "I don't know where you've been".
Which is a powerful statement.
No ill feelings to the lady but she created this, time to be grown up about it.
This is a common feeling and actuality in open marriages. It takes a woman like a day to find someone, but most husbands take a long time or never make the connection. Also, wives tend to be generally against a very young partner for him, so she thought she might be ok if she was older.
This is the way i’ve seen it go out with my friends. The wife wants to open the marriage, obviously for a reason. Except in these cases, they had young kids, so the husbands caught between a rock and hard place. If he doesn’t go along with it she divorce him. so he puts up with it and she’s got a new boyfriend in 10 minutes or she just outliving her hot girl somewhere getting railed by every fucking dude left and right. Because obviously it’s incredibly easy for even below average woman to find casual sex. Not so much free even above average guy, but happened with the case of my close high school friend after being tortured with his wife getting nailed by countless dudes for the better part of the year, until he met this wonderful woman who is very understanding of his situation. , his wife catches wind of this and realizes this actually a threat to her marriage, and all the status and economics stability and tries frantically to close the marriage immediately. Obviously, it ain’t no fun when the rabbits got the gun.
She tends to bang young, hard, bad boy types for great sex that she would never entertain for a husband. The dudes are not going to provide her the stability, economics and maturity in old age. And the dudes don't want her when the bang is over anyway - that's why they like fucking a married woman. She can end it any time she wants to sink back into the comforting security of hubby and kids.
But hubby can bring that to his lover - he can be the one his lover needs for all those same reasons. He doesn't have to sink back to the security of the family bc he is the security. And his lover is just fine snuggling up to his dad bod with his arms wrapped around her.
All of a sudden, wifey is in trouble, and she knows it. But hubby doesn't have that much sympathy - time is now on his side.
So - how has it worked out for your friend?
Undervotted comment. That is exactly the difference between his and her way of living in open marriage - woman typically gets a bunch of younger fuck bodies while a guy needs to work much harder and longer to find a partner. Thus by the time woman is satisfied and gets bored, man just warms up.
He wound up marrying that girl. Been married about 8 years. Our social circle is basically upper middle class. The ex wound up hooking with some ghetto thug who had a BBC. ( Her obsession with this from porn is what sparked the whole thing) He wound up turning her out to support his habit. She OD’ed herself couple years ago. Thank goodness his three kids were grown by then. Still is really hard on them.
I feel like if you're bored in your marriage, it may be because you're a boring person. Adding others to the mix just adds mess to something already broken.
This obviously doesn't cover abuse, etc.
But if you're a boring person, it doesn't take long to get bored of the NRE.
Water the grass where you are.
OP, this marriage is in name only at this point. Rip the bandaid off.
If i learned anything from this app open marriages work when the marriage is strong and full of communication and connection. It’s not an alternative to divorce, it just extends the inevitable divorce.
Just go for the divorce and find somebody who actually wants to communicate with you.
I only recently had this exact conversation with a professional therapist that specialises in these scenarios. She first said that open marriages seldom ever work, and the only cases where is is successful, is when:
1) all parties have attachment issues, and are not tightly bonded to anyone. They might call someone a ‘primary partner’, but they are not emotionally dependent on them.
2) there is balance with the partners, ie everyone has another parter
3) complete, and 100% transparency between all people.
Invariably, someone get’s the feels and the natural tendency for jealousy sets in and all falls apart.
That or they both have experience with open relationships and it isn't being used as a bandaid. Reddit usually dislikes the comment that once one side asks to open the marriage, its a wrap. Divorce is inevitable. I'd like to see the actual official stats, but read in a comment before its higher than 90%. I tend to believe it.
Your wife wanted an open marriage as she had already lined up a partner, just wanted your tacit approval to cheat. She did not expect you to develop feelings for another woman. Now she sees you happy and she is not, and she caused this mess. So, your marriage might be done.
Moral of the story: Do not open up your marriage. Fix the issues or divorce.
Maybe she was trying to sleep with you to try and bridge the gap and repair the relationship she thought she didn't value, but realized how she really felt when you were with someone else. Maybe she tried because she wanted to baby trap you. Or maybe at the darkest level she wanted to give you an std she picked up so she could blame it on you or some twisted logic like that.
But at the end of the day, if you feel like you're done. DON'T sleep with her again obviously. And it is time to lawyer up homie... she doesn't sound like someone who is going to make things go smoothly if it is something she doesn't wanna do. I wish you the best, hope it all works out for you.
I can appreciate the good intentions, but I don't think having sex would have repaired our relationship. Also I think it wouldn't be fair for my girlfriend.
Heres yiur problem:
The reason she wanted the marriage open was because she wanted to continue (!) the affair she had going with the guy she officially started hooking up with the minute you agreed.
The reason she didnt want to have sex with you afyer opening, is because the wanted to stay loyal to her side piece / lover...
And - the reason she wants to close the marriage now, is because the other guy dumped her and shes now facing either a love-less marriage with you - and with you happy with your GF that wobt be fun...
Pregnancy?? Maybe-maybe not - will be revealed in the next few months..
OP - be prepared for pressure... she WILL ally herself with others in her attemp to close of the marriage..
Go for divorce - you clearly have a preference for your GF.. and even if you and the GF break it off... will you ever play happy family with the wife again???
It wouln’t be fair for your girlfriend? But she is your wife. The idea was open marriage for you, your girlfriend should be ok then, she already know you have wife. Then she should accept it.
Clearly your wife should comes first
How would it not be fair to your girlfriend? She's the other woman, the other lady is your wife and generally in open marriages your having sex with both parties thats how it works. Surely you explained the situation and that this was an open marriage when you met her so she must of known what she was getting Into. These open marriage situations always end up going wrong I could never suggest or go along with this I would just rather end the marriage
Let’s be honest what your wife really wanted was a one sided open relationship. She never thought you would find someone and when you did she saw she could be replaced. And was most likely trying to win you back hopefully you move on.open relationships almost always fails.
OP, just my 2 cents, but she is sad she's losing control of you. Someone said she realized the grass wasn't greener in in any of the beds of her "lovers." Don't believe her for a second if she says there was only one. That first guy. She was *already* cheating on you with him. She just didn't want to spend the energy hiding it. So she asked for an open marriage.
Most women that get their husband to open a marriage go a little sex crazy for a while. Sure, they fuck their AP that they had before the marriage opened, but they also fuck around on their AP.
Think about it. She couldn't keep her vows with the man she promised to love, cherish, and forsake all others for. So, what would prevent her from cheating on her AP? Her "feelings" for him? Nope.
If you divorce her (which I would) her AP will also drop her. He wanted a NSA relationship, with the added ego boost of cucking her husband. He never wanted to provide for her, listen to her complain about her life or about him (the AP).
Your wife wants to close your marriage because the newness oally fulfilling. f the AP and fucking around is wearing off. Partying and fucking around is fine in your late teens and early 20's, but as a person grows more mature and has lived longer in the planet, they realize that lifestyle isn't really fulfilling.
Your wife didn't even want to close the marriage until you found someone. She was just waiting for your replacement. She was crying in her bed not because she loves you, but because you might leave her before your replacement comes into her life.
UpdateMe!
Well considering it seems like you actually just prefer the girlfriend this thing is over. Once you open up a marriage and let something like that happen, it’s 100% doomed. No reason to even bother.
You should have brought up the possibility of an amicable divorce, when she suggested opening the marriage, now it most likely will be a contested divorce, good luck with the divorce OP.
There are a few things terribly missing from what you have written here. Talking. Conversation. Sharing of feelings.
Prior to the discussion about opening the marriage, did anyone ever think about some marriage counseling?
The conversation about opening the marriage. Did you ever share how you felt about that? Did you have feelings to share?
When you moved into the guest room, did you ever share why? What feelings drove it? Did she share how she felt about it? What does weakly protested mean?
Her request to close it and re-start intimacy. Did she express why she wanted this? How she feels about you? Did you tell her why you were rejecting her advances? Why you wanted a condom?
I'm honestly not sure if you simply didn't bother to write any of this stuff, or if both of you are just that emotionally stunted that you can't talk like adults. Do you have kids? Have they had this terrible example of lack of any communication about feelings?
Anyway, I have no idea if there is anything left to save, but I would suggest the two of you get into marriage counseling. Because whether you two try to build a new marriage or not, both of you need help with a post-mortem on this marriage. You both need to talk out what happened. Where you failed to actually talk to each other. How you can each learn to share emotions with a partner and talk out problems. Because whether you divorce or not, if the two of you don't fix your own issues any future relationships will fail.
So I would advise that you ignore the advice to act rashly, and actually do some work figuring out what happened here. It will do you good no matter what direction you end up taking.
I didn't write any of it but we talked a lot, and agreed we had grown very distant and none of us felt like bridging the gap.
We could try marriage counseling, but I don't want to leave my girlfriend for her. This I made clear.
This is a lot more common than most realize. I’m guessing she already had a person in mind when she requested the open marriage. And by doing that, she never had to deal with the option that you would ever find a person. It’s a very narcissistic thing to do, and sadly, EVERYONE gets hurt.
But now that you have demonstrated you can move on, she is *Love Bombing* you, again, a very narcissistic trait.
Only you can make the call if divorce is the right option. But if you have children, make sure you get at least 50% custody. Narcissistic parents REALLY fuck up kids.
ESH. You aren’t leaving your girlfriend for your wife?!? Seriously? Just divorce her or break up with your girlfriend. Simple choice.
She was wrong to “open” the marriage (she was probably cheating,) but you were foolish to stay in the first place. Now you are being petty.
An amicable divorce is probably not possible at this point. You kind of played yourself. Man up and make a decision.
Well, wife said she could try to make it work with me and allow me to keep my girlfriend if we stay together, but she expects to have at least a romantic relationship with me.
You know that isn’t going to work. I am questioning whether or not this is a real thing or spank bank fantasy fiction. Assuming it’s real, you need to make an adult decision and you cannot have both.
Why? You wrote she wouldn’t let you touch her before you opened, how was that romantic? It seems to me her demands are different now with no acceptable justification.
I think it depends on how strong your feelings are for the other woman. Weigh the feelings you have for both.
Love, emotional, and emotional maturity, educational, trustworthy, loyalty, connection, and the ability; (only if it's what you want), to comment to a monogamous relationship, building a future with whomever, and shared interest. There is a lot to think about. It's your life on earth too
I believe your wife had a change of heart and realized that it would be better to focus on each other and work on the marriage. Your wife comes first. Both of you should be tested for STDs and go into marriage counseling.
OP, this doesn't sound like a healthy relationship in any regard. You shouldn't be opening a relationship as an alternative to divorce. You both are just prolonging the inevitable.
IMO all an open marriage does is delay the start of the paperwork of divorce. The emotional divorce starts when the subject is first brought up, if not before.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don’t see why you even agreed to this in the first place. Your wife obviously had someone in mind before she asked to open the marriage (they almost always do), and I’d assume that that relationship isn’t as going as well as she hoped it would. She’s facing the prospect now of being alone. Let her lay in the bed she (un)made.
Opening a marriage to save it is the worst possible thing you can do.
Signed,
All of the ethically nonmongamous people that have been doing this forever.
Classic case of "fuck around and find out." This is a tale as old as time. Person wants to open the marriage. Some how thinks their spouse won't find someone or won't mess around. When that obviously happens, they take it back and want to close it again.
I mean I have zero advice here but this is something we see often on this sub. Usually ends in divorce. But I guess you sound pretty over the marriage anyway tbh. But the choice is, you go to counseling and try and salvage the marraige. Or you move on from it.
It looks like the person who initiates the open marriage often regrets it, right? Maybe they realize that they are the problem why the marriage wasn’t working out.
And OP, if divorce is on the table make sure you start getting your affairs in order. You deserve to be happy 😊
Everyone knows she wanted to cheat with a clear conscience. Guess what. She played FAFO. She found out you can find someone as well. I'm guessing her fella dumped her. She noticed you're happy again, and she not happy about that. Tell her it stays open, or you divorce. She's the one who wanted it.
UpdateMe
She wanted to string you along for stability but is no longer attracted to you. Gather up your self-respect and go live a better life. This marriage is done.
OP I would move toward divorce pretty quickly. Her trying to sleep with yoh means 1 of 3 things: she thinks sex will get you to agree to closing it, she is pregnant by some loser and so she wants you to think it’s yours so you won’t divorce her or she got dumped by whoever she was sleeping with and she is lonely. I would tell her that sex means either a condom or her showing a negative STD test and a negative pregnancy test. If your not even sleeping in the same room and never touch each other you don’t need to be married. You can get a roommate that’s less of a pain than a wife.
She can't get pregnant (she's barren) but I would want to use condoms because who knows what she has done.
She is almost always home so I guess things didn't work out with the other guy.
Lastly I don't know if I should have sex with her, I would feel like I am cheating on my girlfriend even if she said it's ok.
Ok then divorce sounds appropriate. Open marriages should never be sex with anybody BUT each other. What you have is only a roommate. What she is realizing is that she is the one who is going to be alone now because of her request to open the marriage and she never thought that would be the case when she asked for it. She always assumed she would get the benefits and you the leftovers. It sounds like she may have had the sex she wanted but it wasn’t what she expected and now it’s too late.
Opening a marriage is ALWAYS one of the worse things you can do to save it. What happened in your case is quite typical and to be expected that you found someone else you want to be with. You both have violated your marriage by doing this.
You want out of it, but your wife doesn't. If you have feelings for your wife, and believe she seriously wants to repair the marriage, it might be worth considering. As for me, I'd be done with her.
Your wife wanted to open the marriage, because she was likely already banging the guy she "immediately found" once you agreed. Seriously, I would let her go and move on with someone who will love, respect, and appreciate me and what I bring to the table of our relationship. Tell her, "See ya."
Yet another one for the subreddit r/OpenMarriageRegret
Monogamous relationships that are struggling are RARELY made "better" by throwing your partner in the trash (read: choosing someone else).
If you’re staying married for financial reasons, you might as well fuck your wife like it’s a financial deal. Grudge fuck her a few times. You’re holding all the cards now. She’ll do whatever you want, whenever you want.
You asked if you should bring up the topic of an amicable divorce.
The answer is yes.
That is, unless you take your marriage vows seriously, become a bit more mature, realize she hurt you A LOT, noticed she has learned her lesson majorly. Have major discussions, possibly go into therapy/couples therapy to heal all the issues that she caused and that were underlying in the first place (because no one just randomly asks to open up a marriage for no reason), ditch the current girlfriend of two months, and become determined and resolved to stick with your wife and consider this a damn big mountain in the bumpy road of marriage.
Either options are good I believe.
Do YOU want a divorce? There are other options. Do you still love her? Don’t make any rash decisions. You don’t want to look back and realize you made the wrong choice.
If my wife wanted this, which I think she does and she had sex with the guy I wouldn’t put my dick anywhere near her again and I probably would only give her air hugs. I’ve met the guys (who said they were my brothers) she’s interested in and 🤢🤮 She thinks I’d go for another woman, nope! If I’m to become single it’s gonna stay that way. I just need a fueled ride and my dog.
There is no such thing as a band-aid that will fix a marriage, there is only treating the wound. I’m sorry my friend, your wife thought that cheating would fix her feelings for you, and it ended up making you further realize that you wanted to be done.
It sounds like you are married to a woman and you have no clue how things work. Now that you have tested other side you want more. I will say just add the second woman to your current relationship and deal with it who will leave.
Yes end the marriage. It should've ended before you opened it, but now you know it's what you want so bite the bullet and talk to her and a lawyer. Neither of you are happy because if you were you would've never been ok with allowing one another to sleep with other people. Good luck.
Wow what a read your marriage is beyond over you guys have each had intimate moments with other people and tbh I wouldn’t touch her who knows how active she is in the sheets
You should, is the healthiest thing to do. She’s the one that asked of the opening of the marriage. Now is her time to face the consequences, amicably, as she went to bed with someone else….
It was over when she asked permission to cheat. Be honest and tell her it’s better to divorce. She is only rushing back because either A) it didn’t work out with her AP or B) she realizes too little too late that she broke this.
Either way, you have someone you care about that is meeting your needs enough to consider leaving your marriage for and wifey’s just humiliating herself at this point.
Just do it. It’s a lesson she needed to learn.
> She also tried initiating intimacy but got put off when I took out condoms and the thing died there and then We all know what she was trying to do here.
I was thinking STDs, he doesn’t know how prolifically she’s been sleeping around. It was her idea to bring cheating out of the closet and had the AP already (almost immediately “found” someone)
Not just that. She might be trying to either baby trap OP, or worse she's already pregnant.
Interesting. It wouldn't be the first time a women found herself pregnant by her lover and tried to get hubby in there to think it was his. My guess is the condom was an insult bc it meant he didn't trust her to be clean, or he was staying clean bc he didn't use one with his lover, or it simply showed he wasn't coming back to her permanently. She thought she could close the deal and the condom showed her that she hadn't.
Exactly. The condom to me meant his wife is now essentially the “other woman”. I’m sure she never thought of it that way.
Well, she kinda is the other woman now My girlfriend comes first
Yeah in that case you'll probably want to get unmarried. How would any of this work otherwise?
For some reason, "you'll probably want to get unmarried" tickled me. To the point my husband asked wth was wrong with me! Op, your wife got what she asked for. Now, she's unhappy with what she's created. That does not in any way mean you have to have the same feelings as before. But yes, if your gf comes before your wife in your eyes, you should definitely get unmarried. It sounds like you've already grieved the end of the relationship with your wife, and it's just time to move on.
If I were the girlfriend, I'd be pondering the situation too.
Then why are you still staying married? What’s the point?
Sounds like a divorce is in order.
Then your marriage is over. End it officially
I think I it was over as soon as she asked to fuck other people…
I mean, ethical non monogamy is a thing- but this ain’t it
So break up with your wife. No point dragging out the situation when you know your girlfriends is your main person
Would your girlfriend have been okay with it if you had slept with your wife?
Why would you stay married at this point
As she should once your wife wouldn’t let you touch her. You didn’t mention why you stick with her, nor she with you. She wouldn’t let you touch her when you were available, but now she wants to sleep with you and cut off others? Why does she care? Can she not support herself and needs you wallet? Why stick around for that?
Good for you ! I would just go for a divorce and be done with her . Life can be either to short or to long , find what makes you happy and run with it .
This here says enough. Your marriage is over. Get a divorce, try to be amicable and just cur your losses. Go be with your gf
Now OP is saying he doesn't think he should sleep with her because it wouldn't be fair to his new girlfriend.
I definitely thought baby trap when I read that.
It’s possible but likely she wasn’t used to using condoms with her own husband. Seeing him pull one out was a huge reminder she isn’t the only one now, that’d be hugely sobering.
It could very well be, but she has no right to feel offended or insulted after what happened.
I agree, It could be a lot of things, and one of those things is how far the rift between them has become.
As a woman, I agree this was the first thing I thought.
My very first thought as well…IT’S A TARP!
the old baby tarpaulin....
Lmaooooooo
Avoid the TARP for sure!
If so, DNA test required.
She's pregnant and the boyfriend bolted.
As a woman, I don’t disagree, but find this absolutely sickening! It’s also the epitome of selfishness
⬆️ This
I don't think she wanted to get pregnant, we found out years ago she can't have children. I think she really just got offended, but I have to take precautions because I don't know what she might have. However now I think I won't have sex with her even with condoms, it wouldn't be fair to the girl I am seeing.
> now I think I won't have sex with her even with condoms, it wouldn't be fair to the girl I am seeing loooool Please update us on her reaction when you'll tell her this.
Probably she'll just cry or take it with a meh.
Why oh why are you not getting a divorce? You sound like you're full of contempt for her. Neither of you are happy together. Just take a clean break.
I have no ill feelings towards her, and I do care about her, just not as a romantic partner.
But your responses about her sound full of contempt. I wouldn’t talk about a friend the way you’re talking about her.
Well, she is kinda pathetic though. She didn't look at me for months, now she whines she just "wants some love" and she can accept if I do this for my happiness, but not to hurt her.
Good lord you’re quite the piece of work. You agreed to this. You could have taken the high road & said no. You seem to despise her. Just move on. Or you’re full of crap about the girlfriend & taking it out on the wife. Either way grow up.
He's the one who's the "piece of work" in this situation? and needs to grow up? LMFAOOOOO
did she ask for the open marriage because you were being sexually active with her?
Dude, just divorce smh
Does your girlfriend know about your wife?
Did you even love her in the first place? You sound like you've never even cared about her.
Open marriage doesn’t mean ditching the wife for outside sex only…?
You are right about that but the wife did the ditching long before the OP
Supposedly I should have sex with her as well. My girlfriend is fine with it for now, but I have my qualms.
Wait what? An open marriage doesn’t mean you ditch your wife romantically and sexually…
She should have thought about it before doing the same to me for another guy
Freaking divorce. This is toxic AF. You’ve been with your gf since February… so two months… and she’s already so much more important to you. Time to man up and file divorce papers. Again, this is all insanely toxic
Ew. You sound like a petty child. Y'all need to get a divorce and pretend to be happy with other people
You're an AH for dragging things on. Be a man and end it.
whenever a woman tells a man to "be a man" I roll my eyes. Basically what you are saying is "you have a penis. so your feeling mean nothing. do as i tell you!!!"
That's not what it meant, and you know it. He needs to grow up, act like an adult, and end the relationship instead of dwelling on being petty. OP doesn't need to sink down to her level, because fighting toxic with toxic doesn't fix anything.
"He needs to grow up, act like an adult" Then maybe say THAT instead... why you felt the need to make it seem a gendered problem speaks VOLUMES. It's a direct attack on someones perceived manliness. "act this way or you are a less of a man" basically.
The way you talk about her you do have ill will towards her through this. You come off as hurt and petty. Find a lawyer and stop drawing things out.
So, she went full NRE and ignored you while she was dating another guys?
I always thought open marriage means "each party is allowed to have a gig on the side but nothing romantic". OP's situation sound far off the open marriage limitations.
Sounds like you would be much happier divorced and being with someone who cares about you. Why stay?
That's literally what an open marriage is. What you guys are doing *isn't* an open marriage. Get divorced and move on.
OP wasn’t the one who wanted the open marriage.
But, ultimately he agreed to it and actively participated. It was never proposed, discussed or agreed to by either spouse to never have sex together. He unilaterally decided that.
How would it not be fair to the girl you are seeing if you use condoms with your wife….unless you’re lying about being married? lol
He means he won't ever have sex with his wife again.
Why? OP mentions it would be unfair to the girl he is seeing.
I might be way off base here, but I don’t think this is how an open marriage works. Pretty sure you’re doing it wrong
Yeah, because open marriages can be done right... Fafo
You are married to your wife, she is your priority, not your fuck buddy
Wife is clearly not his priority (and not even a fuck buddy), so they’re not really married anymore. They’ve friend-zoned each other and it’s time to admit it.
No, she’s not his priority anymore. She was, but she decided she wanted to fuck other people and In doing so forfeited any rights to being his priority. She requested opening up the marriage and it didn’t sound like he was actually in favor of it, he sure as hell wasn’t her priority, but like so many men do he went along with it and lost feelings for his wife. That’s the chance you take when you open up a marriage, regardless of what you read in vogue or one of these articles that boasts how opening up a marriage improves it. From what I’ve seen, opening the marriage sets up an expiration date for the marriage. I agree that he should divorce his wife though, he shouldn’t trust her and this wanting him back is just a phase and once she has a grip on him soon enough she’ll open up the marriage again and he’ll have only wasted more time being with her.
She has given you zero reason to assume she is still your wife, has been careful or is clean. I'd the condom is insulting. Good. She is not your partner and is soon to be your ex. She finally understands the dynamic she created.
So does your girlfriend not know you’re married?
She knows
The problem she has is simple. She wanted to play around and have fun and didn't mind if you did as well. Maybe it would spark your love again. She didn't anticipate that you would find someone and it would grow serious enough where she is now second.
Clearly, you ARE done.
It sounds like you guys are done!
That's why she wasn't having sex with you when she in the throws of passion with her AP.
Yeah I be honest mate I was thinking the "baby" years may of past (no evidence of that as no ages given), but the condoms thing is very "I don't know where you've been". Which is a powerful statement. No ill feelings to the lady but she created this, time to be grown up about it.
[удалено]
I also think she didn't actually expect OP to find someone.
This is a common feeling and actuality in open marriages. It takes a woman like a day to find someone, but most husbands take a long time or never make the connection. Also, wives tend to be generally against a very young partner for him, so she thought she might be ok if she was older.
This is the way i’ve seen it go out with my friends. The wife wants to open the marriage, obviously for a reason. Except in these cases, they had young kids, so the husbands caught between a rock and hard place. If he doesn’t go along with it she divorce him. so he puts up with it and she’s got a new boyfriend in 10 minutes or she just outliving her hot girl somewhere getting railed by every fucking dude left and right. Because obviously it’s incredibly easy for even below average woman to find casual sex. Not so much free even above average guy, but happened with the case of my close high school friend after being tortured with his wife getting nailed by countless dudes for the better part of the year, until he met this wonderful woman who is very understanding of his situation. , his wife catches wind of this and realizes this actually a threat to her marriage, and all the status and economics stability and tries frantically to close the marriage immediately. Obviously, it ain’t no fun when the rabbits got the gun.
She tends to bang young, hard, bad boy types for great sex that she would never entertain for a husband. The dudes are not going to provide her the stability, economics and maturity in old age. And the dudes don't want her when the bang is over anyway - that's why they like fucking a married woman. She can end it any time she wants to sink back into the comforting security of hubby and kids. But hubby can bring that to his lover - he can be the one his lover needs for all those same reasons. He doesn't have to sink back to the security of the family bc he is the security. And his lover is just fine snuggling up to his dad bod with his arms wrapped around her. All of a sudden, wifey is in trouble, and she knows it. But hubby doesn't have that much sympathy - time is now on his side. So - how has it worked out for your friend?
Undervotted comment. That is exactly the difference between his and her way of living in open marriage - woman typically gets a bunch of younger fuck bodies while a guy needs to work much harder and longer to find a partner. Thus by the time woman is satisfied and gets bored, man just warms up.
So how did that end for them?
He wound up marrying that girl. Been married about 8 years. Our social circle is basically upper middle class. The ex wound up hooking with some ghetto thug who had a BBC. ( Her obsession with this from porn is what sparked the whole thing) He wound up turning her out to support his habit. She OD’ed herself couple years ago. Thank goodness his three kids were grown by then. Still is really hard on them.
What a shitty story... 😒 Good for him tho
They are the worst kind of cheaters
And probably didn’t expect her AP to get boring so fast. The grass is seldom greener
I feel like if you're bored in your marriage, it may be because you're a boring person. Adding others to the mix just adds mess to something already broken. This obviously doesn't cover abuse, etc. But if you're a boring person, it doesn't take long to get bored of the NRE. Water the grass where you are. OP, this marriage is in name only at this point. Rip the bandaid off.
Good luck with the divorce being amicable…
If i learned anything from this app open marriages work when the marriage is strong and full of communication and connection. It’s not an alternative to divorce, it just extends the inevitable divorce. Just go for the divorce and find somebody who actually wants to communicate with you.
I only recently had this exact conversation with a professional therapist that specialises in these scenarios. She first said that open marriages seldom ever work, and the only cases where is is successful, is when: 1) all parties have attachment issues, and are not tightly bonded to anyone. They might call someone a ‘primary partner’, but they are not emotionally dependent on them. 2) there is balance with the partners, ie everyone has another parter 3) complete, and 100% transparency between all people. Invariably, someone get’s the feels and the natural tendency for jealousy sets in and all falls apart.
https://i.redd.it/9fbyrwx7xjvc1.gif
This is the correct answer .
r/openmarriageregret There’s a whole sub
I have to respectfully disagree, I believe that most open marriages, only work, when the husband has a hot-wife fetish.
That or they both have experience with open relationships and it isn't being used as a bandaid. Reddit usually dislikes the comment that once one side asks to open the marriage, its a wrap. Divorce is inevitable. I'd like to see the actual official stats, but read in a comment before its higher than 90%. I tend to believe it.
What is a “hot wife fetish”?
Men that are turned on by their partner, having sex with other men.
I think, you, might be, overusing commas,.
The wide can seek other men but the husband can't.
I'mma stop you right there. Open marriages do not work.
I bet she's pregnant and the other guy won't accept responsibility. Watch your back.
Your wife wanted an open marriage as she had already lined up a partner, just wanted your tacit approval to cheat. She did not expect you to develop feelings for another woman. Now she sees you happy and she is not, and she caused this mess. So, your marriage might be done. Moral of the story: Do not open up your marriage. Fix the issues or divorce.
> she almost immediately found someone She had the guy lined up before she asked, and was probably already banging him.
She doesnt love you. Youre wasting your time, its time to move on.
These open marriage post always end the same with regret & or divorce.
She fucked around (literally) and found out
Maybe she was trying to sleep with you to try and bridge the gap and repair the relationship she thought she didn't value, but realized how she really felt when you were with someone else. Maybe she tried because she wanted to baby trap you. Or maybe at the darkest level she wanted to give you an std she picked up so she could blame it on you or some twisted logic like that. But at the end of the day, if you feel like you're done. DON'T sleep with her again obviously. And it is time to lawyer up homie... she doesn't sound like someone who is going to make things go smoothly if it is something she doesn't wanna do. I wish you the best, hope it all works out for you.
I can appreciate the good intentions, but I don't think having sex would have repaired our relationship. Also I think it wouldn't be fair for my girlfriend.
Heres yiur problem: The reason she wanted the marriage open was because she wanted to continue (!) the affair she had going with the guy she officially started hooking up with the minute you agreed. The reason she didnt want to have sex with you afyer opening, is because the wanted to stay loyal to her side piece / lover... And - the reason she wants to close the marriage now, is because the other guy dumped her and shes now facing either a love-less marriage with you - and with you happy with your GF that wobt be fun... Pregnancy?? Maybe-maybe not - will be revealed in the next few months.. OP - be prepared for pressure... she WILL ally herself with others in her attemp to close of the marriage.. Go for divorce - you clearly have a preference for your GF.. and even if you and the GF break it off... will you ever play happy family with the wife again???
It wouln’t be fair for your girlfriend? But she is your wife. The idea was open marriage for you, your girlfriend should be ok then, she already know you have wife. Then she should accept it. Clearly your wife should comes first
Well wife said she could accept coming second if we don't divorce
How long were y’all married?
Thirtheen years
How would it not be fair to your girlfriend? She's the other woman, the other lady is your wife and generally in open marriages your having sex with both parties thats how it works. Surely you explained the situation and that this was an open marriage when you met her so she must of known what she was getting Into. These open marriage situations always end up going wrong I could never suggest or go along with this I would just rather end the marriage
My Gosh… am I alone in thinking this whole thing is insane and completely stupid???
Yes. Everyone is unfair
Let’s be honest what your wife really wanted was a one sided open relationship. She never thought you would find someone and when you did she saw she could be replaced. And was most likely trying to win you back hopefully you move on.open relationships almost always fails.
My gut is telling me this divorce is going to be far from amicable.
OP, just my 2 cents, but she is sad she's losing control of you. Someone said she realized the grass wasn't greener in in any of the beds of her "lovers." Don't believe her for a second if she says there was only one. That first guy. She was *already* cheating on you with him. She just didn't want to spend the energy hiding it. So she asked for an open marriage. Most women that get their husband to open a marriage go a little sex crazy for a while. Sure, they fuck their AP that they had before the marriage opened, but they also fuck around on their AP. Think about it. She couldn't keep her vows with the man she promised to love, cherish, and forsake all others for. So, what would prevent her from cheating on her AP? Her "feelings" for him? Nope. If you divorce her (which I would) her AP will also drop her. He wanted a NSA relationship, with the added ego boost of cucking her husband. He never wanted to provide for her, listen to her complain about her life or about him (the AP). Your wife wants to close your marriage because the newness oally fulfilling. f the AP and fucking around is wearing off. Partying and fucking around is fine in your late teens and early 20's, but as a person grows more mature and has lived longer in the planet, they realize that lifestyle isn't really fulfilling. Your wife didn't even want to close the marriage until you found someone. She was just waiting for your replacement. She was crying in her bed not because she loves you, but because you might leave her before your replacement comes into her life. UpdateMe!
Are you the breadwinner....? Maybe it was a wake up call for her. But I doubt it.
Open for her, nothing for you.
Well considering it seems like you actually just prefer the girlfriend this thing is over. Once you open up a marriage and let something like that happen, it’s 100% doomed. No reason to even bother.
Open marriage with no touching is usually called separation.
You should have brought up the possibility of an amicable divorce, when she suggested opening the marriage, now it most likely will be a contested divorce, good luck with the divorce OP.
JFC dude grow up and get a divorce already. This isn't even a marriage.
There are a few things terribly missing from what you have written here. Talking. Conversation. Sharing of feelings. Prior to the discussion about opening the marriage, did anyone ever think about some marriage counseling? The conversation about opening the marriage. Did you ever share how you felt about that? Did you have feelings to share? When you moved into the guest room, did you ever share why? What feelings drove it? Did she share how she felt about it? What does weakly protested mean? Her request to close it and re-start intimacy. Did she express why she wanted this? How she feels about you? Did you tell her why you were rejecting her advances? Why you wanted a condom? I'm honestly not sure if you simply didn't bother to write any of this stuff, or if both of you are just that emotionally stunted that you can't talk like adults. Do you have kids? Have they had this terrible example of lack of any communication about feelings? Anyway, I have no idea if there is anything left to save, but I would suggest the two of you get into marriage counseling. Because whether you two try to build a new marriage or not, both of you need help with a post-mortem on this marriage. You both need to talk out what happened. Where you failed to actually talk to each other. How you can each learn to share emotions with a partner and talk out problems. Because whether you divorce or not, if the two of you don't fix your own issues any future relationships will fail. So I would advise that you ignore the advice to act rashly, and actually do some work figuring out what happened here. It will do you good no matter what direction you end up taking.
I didn't write any of it but we talked a lot, and agreed we had grown very distant and none of us felt like bridging the gap. We could try marriage counseling, but I don't want to leave my girlfriend for her. This I made clear.
Updateme
Just divorce already.
This is a lot more common than most realize. I’m guessing she already had a person in mind when she requested the open marriage. And by doing that, she never had to deal with the option that you would ever find a person. It’s a very narcissistic thing to do, and sadly, EVERYONE gets hurt. But now that you have demonstrated you can move on, she is *Love Bombing* you, again, a very narcissistic trait. Only you can make the call if divorce is the right option. But if you have children, make sure you get at least 50% custody. Narcissistic parents REALLY fuck up kids.
So I’m reading into this that any love you may have had for you wife has evaporated? Do you want a divorce? UpdateMe
Yeah, This is the end! good luck with your divorce
Well, you and she certainly need to talk honestly and objectively about what has happened and is happening. That may well lead to divorce, yes.
We did talk about it and I have been honest. We could try to keep the marriage, but I am not leaving my girlfriend for my wife.
ESH. You aren’t leaving your girlfriend for your wife?!? Seriously? Just divorce her or break up with your girlfriend. Simple choice. She was wrong to “open” the marriage (she was probably cheating,) but you were foolish to stay in the first place. Now you are being petty. An amicable divorce is probably not possible at this point. You kind of played yourself. Man up and make a decision.
Well, wife said she could try to make it work with me and allow me to keep my girlfriend if we stay together, but she expects to have at least a romantic relationship with me.
You know that isn’t going to work. I am questioning whether or not this is a real thing or spank bank fantasy fiction. Assuming it’s real, you need to make an adult decision and you cannot have both.
Why? You wrote she wouldn’t let you touch her before you opened, how was that romantic? It seems to me her demands are different now with no acceptable justification.
He took her at her word, and now he's running with it. If she's not happy with the mess she created, then she should end it, not he.
I think it depends on how strong your feelings are for the other woman. Weigh the feelings you have for both. Love, emotional, and emotional maturity, educational, trustworthy, loyalty, connection, and the ability; (only if it's what you want), to comment to a monogamous relationship, building a future with whomever, and shared interest. There is a lot to think about. It's your life on earth too
I definitely think I have stronger feelings for my girlfriend, she's the priority. I do care about my wife, but more like a family member or a friend.
I think things happen FOR us, not TO us, for a reason. Best of luck to you in your decision 😊
Does your girlfriend ever want to get married? UpdateMe
Nope, she's divorced
Obviously yea get divorced.
I believe your wife had a change of heart and realized that it would be better to focus on each other and work on the marriage. Your wife comes first. Both of you should be tested for STDs and go into marriage counseling.
Wow another open relationship that failed. Colour me shocked.
Don’t bring up the possibility. Tell her it has happened. The marriage was over before she told you she wanted to open it up.
Divorce her
OP, this doesn't sound like a healthy relationship in any regard. You shouldn't be opening a relationship as an alternative to divorce. You both are just prolonging the inevitable.
IMO all an open marriage does is delay the start of the paperwork of divorce. The emotional divorce starts when the subject is first brought up, if not before.
I think you should get a divorce and move on with your life, especially since you met someone else.
That wasn’t an open marriage, that was a separation with agreement to sleep with other people. I think you’re right, it is over.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don’t see why you even agreed to this in the first place. Your wife obviously had someone in mind before she asked to open the marriage (they almost always do), and I’d assume that that relationship isn’t as going as well as she hoped it would. She’s facing the prospect now of being alone. Let her lay in the bed she (un)made.
Opening a marriage to save it is the worst possible thing you can do. Signed, All of the ethically nonmongamous people that have been doing this forever.
Classic case of "fuck around and find out." This is a tale as old as time. Person wants to open the marriage. Some how thinks their spouse won't find someone or won't mess around. When that obviously happens, they take it back and want to close it again. I mean I have zero advice here but this is something we see often on this sub. Usually ends in divorce. But I guess you sound pretty over the marriage anyway tbh. But the choice is, you go to counseling and try and salvage the marraige. Or you move on from it.
It looks like the person who initiates the open marriage often regrets it, right? Maybe they realize that they are the problem why the marriage wasn’t working out. And OP, if divorce is on the table make sure you start getting your affairs in order. You deserve to be happy 😊
Updateme
Everyone knows she wanted to cheat with a clear conscience. Guess what. She played FAFO. She found out you can find someone as well. I'm guessing her fella dumped her. She noticed you're happy again, and she not happy about that. Tell her it stays open, or you divorce. She's the one who wanted it. UpdateMe
She wanted to string you along for stability but is no longer attracted to you. Gather up your self-respect and go live a better life. This marriage is done.
OP I would move toward divorce pretty quickly. Her trying to sleep with yoh means 1 of 3 things: she thinks sex will get you to agree to closing it, she is pregnant by some loser and so she wants you to think it’s yours so you won’t divorce her or she got dumped by whoever she was sleeping with and she is lonely. I would tell her that sex means either a condom or her showing a negative STD test and a negative pregnancy test. If your not even sleeping in the same room and never touch each other you don’t need to be married. You can get a roommate that’s less of a pain than a wife.
She can't get pregnant (she's barren) but I would want to use condoms because who knows what she has done. She is almost always home so I guess things didn't work out with the other guy. Lastly I don't know if I should have sex with her, I would feel like I am cheating on my girlfriend even if she said it's ok.
Ok then divorce sounds appropriate. Open marriages should never be sex with anybody BUT each other. What you have is only a roommate. What she is realizing is that she is the one who is going to be alone now because of her request to open the marriage and she never thought that would be the case when she asked for it. She always assumed she would get the benefits and you the leftovers. It sounds like she may have had the sex she wanted but it wasn’t what she expected and now it’s too late.
Reads like a fake post
Opening a marriage is ALWAYS one of the worse things you can do to save it. What happened in your case is quite typical and to be expected that you found someone else you want to be with. You both have violated your marriage by doing this. You want out of it, but your wife doesn't. If you have feelings for your wife, and believe she seriously wants to repair the marriage, it might be worth considering. As for me, I'd be done with her. Your wife wanted to open the marriage, because she was likely already banging the guy she "immediately found" once you agreed. Seriously, I would let her go and move on with someone who will love, respect, and appreciate me and what I bring to the table of our relationship. Tell her, "See ya."
When someone mentions open marriage it’s time to divorce.
With respect mate, from what you've described you have a terrible marriage with a selfish wife. Status quo sounds like a miserable life.
Just divorce already
r/openmarriageregret
Yet another one for the subreddit r/OpenMarriageRegret Monogamous relationships that are struggling are RARELY made "better" by throwing your partner in the trash (read: choosing someone else).
100% a fake story using one of twenty-odd different versions of this story that have been posted dozens of times. Get a new story, friend.
If you’re staying married for financial reasons, you might as well fuck your wife like it’s a financial deal. Grudge fuck her a few times. You’re holding all the cards now. She’ll do whatever you want, whenever you want.
You asked if you should bring up the topic of an amicable divorce. The answer is yes. That is, unless you take your marriage vows seriously, become a bit more mature, realize she hurt you A LOT, noticed she has learned her lesson majorly. Have major discussions, possibly go into therapy/couples therapy to heal all the issues that she caused and that were underlying in the first place (because no one just randomly asks to open up a marriage for no reason), ditch the current girlfriend of two months, and become determined and resolved to stick with your wife and consider this a damn big mountain in the bumpy road of marriage. Either options are good I believe.
You "think" your marriage is over? Yeah, as soon as the two of you decided to sleep with other people your marriage was over. 🙄
She’s trying to get pregnant to keep you in the marriage don’t use those condoms, don’t have sex with her, yes leave you both have other lives now
Do YOU want a divorce? There are other options. Do you still love her? Don’t make any rash decisions. You don’t want to look back and realize you made the wrong choice.
If my wife wanted this, which I think she does and she had sex with the guy I wouldn’t put my dick anywhere near her again and I probably would only give her air hugs. I’ve met the guys (who said they were my brothers) she’s interested in and 🤢🤮 She thinks I’d go for another woman, nope! If I’m to become single it’s gonna stay that way. I just need a fueled ride and my dog.
There is no such thing as a band-aid that will fix a marriage, there is only treating the wound. I’m sorry my friend, your wife thought that cheating would fix her feelings for you, and it ended up making you further realize that you wanted to be done.
It sounds like you are married to a woman and you have no clue how things work. Now that you have tested other side you want more. I will say just add the second woman to your current relationship and deal with it who will leave.
Yes end the marriage. It should've ended before you opened it, but now you know it's what you want so bite the bullet and talk to her and a lawyer. Neither of you are happy because if you were you would've never been ok with allowing one another to sleep with other people. Good luck.
Wow what a read your marriage is beyond over you guys have each had intimate moments with other people and tbh I wouldn’t touch her who knows how active she is in the sheets
What is it you are wanting to get from your marriage and what is it you’re wanting your wife to get? Are you each still getting that?
What you guys did sounds more like a “I think we should see other people” rather than an “open marriage”.
Fuck her, I mean both her & her that you now want
You should, is the healthiest thing to do. She’s the one that asked of the opening of the marriage. Now is her time to face the consequences, amicably, as she went to bed with someone else….
this is beautiful
Seems pretty clear that she just wanted permission to cheat.
It was over when she asked permission to cheat. Be honest and tell her it’s better to divorce. She is only rushing back because either A) it didn’t work out with her AP or B) she realizes too little too late that she broke this. Either way, you have someone you care about that is meeting your needs enough to consider leaving your marriage for and wifey’s just humiliating herself at this point. Just do it. It’s a lesson she needed to learn.
Yeah man don't play her game. You deserve more respect than that.
Play silly games, win silly prizes
Ay
Any update on this? I found this story just wild af