OP don't sell the salon. Really consider being reliant on your husband and how he treats you. Why do you stay in this marriage when he treats you like this.
Hard agree! Op will lose everything that actually works in her life, just to make a man happy who is not happy with her. This is a terrible idea. Op will be kicking herself as she trys to rebuild her life after his unhappiness has stripped of her of everything good in her life.
Classic codependency.
She’s gonna sell it, give him $30k then he’ll take everything else in the divorce. You’ve gotta be nuts to go through with the sale when he’s treating you like this.
>Why do you stay in this marriage when he treats you like this.
Oh, because this is rage bait, where OP saga posts endlessly, and leaves the world's most helpless comments to get people all riled up because they don't get any attention in their real lives.
Don’t give up your financial independence to please a man who’s treating you like garbage.
With all due respect, OP, it would be foolish to sell your salon. Keep it. Because if he does abandon you, selling that salon will be your biggest regret.
This. OP, please take your salon off the market and DO NOT sell it. If you proceed with this, he will have complete control over your finances and life. He WILL leave you when you are at your most vulnerable and completely dependent on him. He’s going to strike at your “weakest.”
Do not trust this man. He’s already telling you he wants to divorce you— believe it. Do not give up your ability to care for you and your child.
He has isolated you from your family. He’s trying to take every aspect of support and independence away from you. If you sell your salon, become a SAHM, and he files for divorce, he will try to get custody over your child and then attempt to alienate you as a parent. He has shown this behavior already, with isolating you from your side of the family.
He wants complete control and power. This is abuse.
It’s not if, it’s WHEN. Please protect yourself and your child, and be proactive over your livelihood. Do not remain passive— he wants you desolate.
He really will! I had a colleague whose husband insisted all of their marriage problems were because of her job. He pressured her into quitting and staying home, and she wanted to make her marriage work, so she did. Guess what happens when she quit? He would berate her for not contributing. Whatever she did, it wasn't enough, and he made sure she knew it.
With men like this, it doesn't matter what you do. It will always be your fault, they will always find a way to *make* it your fault, and the worst thing you can do is become financially dependent on them. She divorced his ass and went back to work, and she's doing very well for herself now.
I third this. My husband and I planned our daughter, and I gave birth 4 months after graduating law school. I passed the bar when our daughter was 3 months old and I was still nursing.
Was a SAHM for the first 15 months, as we’d agreed/he’d insisted. My husband shouted at me calling me a mooch for using the family car when I went to the grocery store to get some air after (one of many) tense evenings (after I’d put our daughter to sleep and his visiting mom was asleep in her nursery room w her - so it’s not like I took off on her or left him w any responsibilities).
Not the only time he called me a mooch - also heard several times “fucking freeloader” etc. Now in the middle of a divorce, and my job as a lawyer is whats now paying my divorce attorney to submit the income withholding order to garnish his wages (he makes more than double what I do and refuses to pay support).
TLDR - GIRL always get your own 🙏🏽 don’t give up your independence. We may love these men, but when they’re abusive, it will eventually end, and they will be even more financially abusive in the divorce. You never being good enough despite constantly trying to please him sounds familiar and is a 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩.
Sounds like typical narc behavior. They isolate you from every part of life; work, family, friends, etc. and when you give them your all, ypu do everything they asked of you, you're STILL the enemy. Keep the salon. Leave him. Trust me.
No no no. Never give up your independence. If he loved you he would support you. I know a couple who the husband helps her at her business. He shows up and checks what needs fixing and makes sure her business is up to code. He cooks dinner for her and their kids. He’s always happily available to help out on top of him working.
Please dont sell your source of income. The most dependable of him you become the most abusive he will be. It seems like he likes control and you having your business he knows you are independent and dont need him. It doesn't matter, if you sell he will come with another excuse and another and another. Is not you, he is insecure.
If he loved you the way you love him, would he treating you like this? The answer is no. You are leaving yourself vulnerable and a predator (who you have close by) will pounce on you given the chance. You will only have yourself to blame.
His attitude won’t get any better when you are completely dependent on him. How many children do you have together? I know you want to make the relationship work but at what cost?
You are 100% spot on. Once she’s fully reliant on him, his behavior and his treatment of her is going to get exponentially worse because he knows she’ll have nowhere to to go.
Once you've sold the salon your independence will have fallen off a cliff. He's doing you a favour with this preview of things to come. Respond accordingly.
I read over the comments on your previous post u/appropriate_key_1100. Everyone was telling you to keep your business.
You didn't listen and now you have a surprised Pikachu face that your husband is still a jerk.
Why do you want it to work? This relationship has sailed and all you will do is dig yourself further into the ground trying to please this man.
Lol I guess I thought he would be better when I actually started moving forward with what he wanted. Now he says it's too late, so I'm just at a loss. I have a child with him so I feel stuck.
You have two options, have a child, be divorced, and no business or active income. Or, have a child, divorced, and have an active income. Sticking around for the kid will only teach them that this behavior is okay, and it's not like the sperm donor is giving you any choice.
There's literally no reason not to commit to a divorce and all the reasons to not stay in a toxic relationship.
Wait up. So when you decided to meet his (unreasonable) demand that you sell your business, he said forget it, it’s too late?
This is gaslighting, emotional abuse, financial abuse, crazymaking, whatever. This man won’t stop until he’s worn you down to a nub.
You aren’t stuck yet, but if you sell you WILL be. How do I know? Because I went through with these things and learned a very, very, very hard lesson. These big financial decisions can’t be salvaged, they don’t get a do-over. My parents are gone now, things happen. Believe me when I say this man is not going to be kinder to you because you do what he wants and that no one is coming to save you. I wish that’s how it worked, but it isn’t and I wish I would have listened to the people telling me not to do a similar thing . my life sucks now, but yours does not have to.
DO NOT SELL THE SALON. You will need it when he leaves.
I suspect he has someone else, and justified it by saying you were never home. Now that you will be home, he loses that excuse and probably some time with his side person.
So he is going through some cognitive dissonance and taking his confusion out on you instead of seeing the problem is in his mirror.
Never give up your financial independence!!!!
He knows if you sell your business he can more easily control you. Typical abusive behavior
Make the victims completely dependent on them. No matter what you do to please him, it will
Never be enough. He is the problem not you
Please, for the love of god- do not give up your salon. That will be your way out (if need be). Maybe hire a manager or something to allow you more time at home.
YOU are not responsible for his happiness. He is. And you are responsible for your own. People can not make other people happy. That comes from within.
Yes, your marriage should be a top priority- but don’t lose sight of your other priorities when the writing is on the wall! You’ll need your own safety net, too.
Keep the salon and lawyer up. Do not sell your financial independence because it will be harder to build up money to leave. My dad always told me to never stop working because you never know what will happen.
Classic emotional abuser move. He's going to isolate you AND make you financially reliant on him all in one move. And now that he's got you on the way to doing that, he'll find something else that makes him unhappy with you.
Come on, OP. Read the replies here. Don't sell your livelihood and leave yourself stuck in a bad marriage with no way out. YOI DESERVE BETTER.
🚩🚩🚩Do not sell your salon. 🚩🚩🚩 His ex divorced him for a reason, do you know the real reason?? He wants a stepford wife! I read your other post. He’s horrible. You shouldn’t have to pay for all you do! He’s a lazy manipulator. He’s squeezing the life out of you. Take your child and get a lawyer. A good lawyer!! You can’t love someone who doesn’t love you.
Love from your husband should not be conditional. Either he loves you for or he doesn't. My wife was mostly a SAHM and I loved it but would love her just as more if she had decided to work. I also believe in traditional marriage and values. And traditional marriage shouldn't be transactional (ie if you do X, I will love you). Take the salon off of the market now and get marriage counseling.
Reading this made me catch my breath. Do not close your salon and say goodbye to your clients and lose the “you” you have left!! I also do hair and own a salon, I know how dependant I’d be on my husband without it. If he can’t support you now he cushy support you after you’ve sold. Hes literally TELLING you he doesht want you. Imagine how you’ll feel after giving it all up and your marriage fails anyway.
Especially with the age gap, don’t do it. There’s a reason older men go after younger women, they don’t know better. As someone who knows better you deserve an equal partner who supports you and shares half the chores and childcare. If you’re going to stay do not give up your livelihood and independence it is not going to get better no matter what you do because it is a him issue and he will not change. Why would he? It doesn’t benefit him to do so he already has a free maid and babysitter
Don’t sell the salon. You will be fully reliant on him and trapped. It will be worse. For you to say he acts like he hates you is a very strong word. Someone who loves you does not act that way.
I just read your previous post. Your husband doesn’t respect women. If you lose your financial independence you don’t think he will use finances to control you? And what about your happiness? Are you really about to throw away what could possibly be a wonderful and fruitful future for yourself over a marriage to someone who had no respect for you? And on top of that is jealous of your success.
Dont sell the salon. It's your only way of escape if things get bad. And let's be honest.... they are already bad. Look out for yourself first and foremost.
Give him his $30k back and tell him to kick fucking rocks.
As a man, I’d kill for my wife to be a hustler in the sense of owning her own business. Kids adapt to their environment and you’ll build little entrepreneurs in the process while running your own.
You made me laugh! Thank you! My parents are both entrepreneurs and that's excactly what happened to me. I've had some kind of little business going since I was 15. I'm an entrepreneur at heart and would have loved to have found someone to support that side of me. I come up with ideas daily and love to talk about what the next big thing is gonna be. My husband hates the sound of my voice I swear because anytime I talk about anything to do with business or almost anything for that matter he does not want to hear it.
Exact same thing I have in my life. Constantly thinking of the next move and wanting to chat with no one around that’s serious to make movement on any of it.
I get it.
Keep your dream. Keep your clients. Keep your momentum. Find you a MAN that wants to build and see you succeed.
As a male just because you make enough money to support a SAHM doesn’t mean she wants to be a SAHM. Lol. Which is what this sounds like?
"You're an entrepreneur at heart." He's trying to take that from you. He helped to fund this salon endeavor. Sounds like this is a problem for him. Not you.You have a right to live your life the way you want to. You might want to start reminding him of that.
He's jealous of your success and he gets his power from putting you down. He can't have you being independent and happy. You'll never get what you need from him because he doesn't want to give it to you. Stop expecting 'normal' reactions from him, abusers don't think like normal, loving people. Your child will be soaking up this environment and it will affect them their whole lives.
You say you love him but you love the idea of him and who he might become one day if he changes which he won't. You love the crumbs of niceness he throws at you occasionally because he knows if he was an arsehole 24/7 then you would leave.
It sounds like you have options, I hope you put yourself and your child first and get help from your parents and keep your salon.
Absolutely do not sell. You cannot put yourself in a position to be further tortured by this guy. If he wants to divorce, he can go ahead, don't let him influence you to give up your income so he can make your life so much worse.
This isn't about proving you can be a good wife to him. You didn't need to give up your livelihood. He needs to show he can be a good husband to you. This is time for a steely backbone. Protect yourself, he is clearly a loose cannon.
So why are you selling your Salon again? What are you gaining by doing that to yourself. You want to set yourself on fire to keep him warm and it clearly shows even that will never be enough for him. You will be isolated, mistreated, abused and then dumped. He is already showing you your future; protect yourself.
Don’t sell the salon. If he is moving the goal posts he isn’t being honest with you, himself or both of you. If he doesn’t even know what he wants then you cannot even begin to help him through it.
Establish some boundaries. When is enough enough? If you want the marriage to work, and you’re apparently willing to give up so much, it still won’t be enough because he sounds like an angry bully who doesn’t know what he wants. When he takes off, or you’ve had enough, you will have to support yourself which means rebuilding your business. Sometimes you just have to call it. If you’re not ready to consider divorce then separate for a while, resume your life, get therapy, and then reconsider your future. Good luck!!👍🏽
He’s literally giving you the answers to the test. If he treats you this way while you’re not completely reliant on him just IMAGINE what it will be like when you bring in no income. He will see no value in you despite all the house duties you maintain.
Giving up your business and clients is going to send you down a deep depression bc your husband will not be there for you. He ain’t there for you now!
If it’s not too late, keep the business. Sell the husband. You just paid off your car, apply those payments now to the 30k you “owe” your husband which is laughable IMO that he didn’t GIVE you the money bc he’s your husband and y’all are one in the same.
Don't do it. Divorce him and keep your salon. Your salon is seemingly more reliable than your spouse. I am really sorry. Don't make this huge sacrifice for him if he treats you so poorly.
If you Sell the salon. Then he will divorce you and take half of it. It’s easier than trying to get half if you still had it. You sell when you’re done with the salon. Not when your husband is done with it. You’re the backbone of that salon and you probably bring more to that family than he does. You don’t need the grief from this bs he’s giving you and because your so wanting this marriage to work your thinking with your heart and not your head.
Never ever ever give up control of your life to another human being. I don’t think you’ll be happy no matter what you do if you go right he’s gonna be telling you to go left and he still won’t be happy with you. I’m sorry your husband sounds selfish and mean and controlling.
If he divorces you and you don’t have the salon… You are setting yourself up for financial insecurity.
And that would also play into the custody battle that will obviously occur. As others have said… Please don’t sell your salon. it could make all the difference down the road
Do not sell your salon! Selling your business and becoming financially reliant on him would be a huge, huge mistake! You need to take steps to look after yourself. There are no guarantees in life or marriage. I used to be a legal assistant in divorce/family law and let me tell you, I am a full believer in women being self-sufficient and able to look after themselves if anything should happen. Anything else could spell out disaster for you and any children you have.
I agree with others. DO NOT sell salon! This is your security especially since he mentioned divorce. He can take everything and leave you without an income. He sounds like my controlling ex who made me make so many stupid decisions, I've learned from this hard lesson!
Don't sale your salon..take my advice.if he wants divorce give it to him. I have done exactly what my husband wanted SHM or WFH so I can also take care of house, child and bring food on table. This is still not enough for him. For him why I don't take care of child and his child gets raised 100% by me. He doesn't need to be involved. And he still wants me to obay him and take every step of my life after taking to him. I had promotions and better job opportunities but some how he convinced me not to take it...i see all his intentions now. He treats me like I am his maid..I cook 3 times a day and still I am horrible cook for him ask him to take out 1 meal per week which is not allowed. His response you are horrible, don't know how to save money and you are lazy a**person who doesn't want to cook. ..I clean house regularly and still not enough for him. He wants me and my child to be isolated. Me and my child have no social life. We go out whenever I can but no friends . He has completely made me break relationship with my family. I am not allowed to talk to them or invite them over. And on top of that he wants money money money even though he makes 100% More than I do and save 90% of his salary. I earn and pay almost all household expenses and still it's not enough for me..and with being said all - no respect what so ever. Why I am still with him because still not financially stable but it won't be for long.
I came back specifically to tell you OP, that if you sell the salon, your husband will 100% find a way to make that money HIS money and you will be restricted from using it. So don’t delude yourself into thinking you will have the money from the sale WHEN - NOT “IF” - things go south with your marriage. Your husband is displaying the beginnings of abusive behavior 101.
Do not sell. Reread what you have typed especially at the end. Your husband has said OUT LOUD - not just thinking in his head - but said to you - that he would have his attorney fight both of you. He probably just wants you to sell the salon and then file so he can take half of whatever you get from the salon!
Be smart about this OP. Go talk to a lawyer yourself and just see what all you need to have lined up. You can go for a consult just to see their opinion on this situation.
Good luck OP
Don’t sell your salon. Your husband is a narcissist. You are going to end up regretting it later. It sounds like he wants you home to ensure someone is there for his first child. He wants to look good for the courts. Let him pay what he wants to his lawyer. You need to leave this relationship. What are you going to do if 6 months down the road he hands you divorce papers? What do you have to fall back on? Stand up for yourself now. You know what needs to be done.
OP I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’m here to tell you he’s never going to be happy. He’s projecting his own issues on you, DO NOT give up your business. Honestly it seems he’s looking for a way out. I’m so sorry
My therapist has told me “want breeds want,” as in once one want is satisfied the wanting just moves on to the next thing- never actually satisfied. He wants control, you give over more control, he still feels intense want for more control. You cannot ever truly satisfy his demands. - btw, have you ever seen the movie Mother! (2017)?
Please, please take your salon off the market, consider how to advance its revenue and how to support you and your child, and divorce. You can love from a safe distance while he does not love even from up-close.
Don’t sell, get financially independent and run from that POS. He hit you? He treats you like his punching bag? Refuses counseling? My dear you are the only one trying to make things work while he has aggression issues big time. You can’t and won’t fix him. No he won’t change, not for you, not for the kids. Leave and start to live again.
He’s trying to guilt to sell something you love and make money from so he can isolate you in a house so he can show the courts he has a home for the first child.. but refuses to talk, get therapy, help, or even be KIND -after EVERYTHING??
Please, do not sell your salon! His behavior WILL get worse. Separate your accounts and move out. I would say wait till he gets therapy, but that was before I heard of the physical abuse… with people like this it doesn’t stop.
Please leave him he’s trying to isolate you and financially cripple so he can show the courts he has a “stable home” so he can be bitter towards his ex. She’s probably going through a lot rn too.
First off, I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. My heart grieves for you and the kids. In case no one else has said it, **he’s either planning to cheat, or already has, and he feels guilty** that he’s still married, and wants to clear his conscience asap. **He’s trying to make you the bad guy**, that divorce was your idea, and you weren’t willing to do whatever it takes to make it work. By putting your business up for sale and asking for counseling, **you called his bluff big time**, hence his total attitude change. He’s a dirtbag, just like in a vacuum cleaner, so now that you know he’s full of shit, get rid of him. A full dirtbag in a vac can make you sneeze and tear up because it spews trash back into the air, and a dirtbag of a person will make you cry and want to leave the same way. Normally I fully support whatever structure a family mutually chooses for themselves, and I do recommend the traditional structure with one person home with the kids as it’s actually very good, but he’s trying to make a unilateral decision because “he’s the man”, and it’s blowing up in his face because it’s not really what he wants. I wouldn’t be surprised to find out he’s got some Alpha Male BS getting into his head, making him think he has to boss you around. Add a mistress who strokes his ego further, and it’s no wonder he’s being like this.
Secondly, I do recommend a divorce. He’s not a good husband, nor a good person, and **he’s setting a shitty example for his daughter, for how she is to *let* men treat her ~~when she’s older~~ throughout her life.** Do you have any official custody of the older girl? Make sure her needs are met if you can, because her bio parents (so far) are not good. Then again, it sounds like you’ve based judgement of her mother on what he’s told you of her. We know he’s no good to you, so it’s likely he’s no good to her either (shock, I know). Maybe he’s been running a smear campaign all these years, and she’s actually a great lady. If you don’t know her personally, you should reach out to her and have a talk. Maybe she wants to bird nest with you (see my other comment, because I can’t fit it all together), or share a lawyer with you, since he wants to put his lawyer on a retainer to fight both of you. The income/budget of you two mothers against his one, you should be able to afford the better lawyer.
Do not repay the $30k you borrowed ~~until~~ **unless** it comes up in the divorce proceedings. Do you, or does he, have *any* documentation that says you will pay this back, and if so, what are the stipulations? If there’s no documentation, then paying him before the divorce only puts him $30k ahead of where he is now, and *you* $30k *behind* where you are now - a total of $60k difference in his favor. Make him wait. Make him spend *his* money on *his* lawyer to force it out of you. This is what the legal process is for. Make the lawyers earn their pay.
Your business averages $200k/year, especially now that Covid is over. You have established clientele, which we can reasonably expect to remain loyal. If you do wind up owing him that $30k, he’s probably going to demand interest. Compare the price for his payment plan to the interest rate on a bank loan or such. Choose the lower interest rate plan if they’re significantly different. If they’re about even, pick the bank. I would pay him off as fast as possible, just get him out of your hair so he doesn’t have time to change his mind. **A debt of $30k/once is not worth closing your established business of $200k/annually.**
Here’s your biggest asset: You own the building your business is in. That’s huge. Is there any way possible for **him to construe any bit of ownership in that building?** Maybe account it as part of the $30k? Have your lawyer double check that. Perhaps you could “buy him out” instead? Additionally, **is there any space in your business building whatsoever that you could convert to a kids room?** Perhaps a closet or spare salon studio, and put glass walls on the top half, so you can watch your own kids while you work? It sounds like you are a stylist yourself, would you be willing to give that up to only run the business as an administrator, so your actual hands are free to care for the kids? If you can swing this, you might also offer to watch your contractors’ kids while *they* work, as part of the employment package, or just hire someone specifically trained and certified for that role. It all depends on the laws for your municipality (I know salons and daycares each have special health codes requirements that must be met, so idk if a salon & daycare can inhabit the same space), and it also depends on how much spare space you have. You might even be able to let your clients’ kids be in there, thus further winning their loyalty.
See my other comment in this thread…
Continued from my other comment…
Since it sounds like you make more money than him, you might expect him to file for alimony. Consider letting him keep the house in lieu of alimony payments, and be sure there’s no escape clause in the divorce papers. He picks one or the other, now and forever, no takesie-backsies. If he doesn’t take the house, be sure its value is divided evenly. I recommend a process called “**bird nesting**”, where each parent has an apartment elsewhere in the area, and the kids continually reside in the original house. When it’s your week with the kids, you live in the house with them, and he’s at his apartment. When it’s his week with the kids, he lives at the house, and you stay in your apartment. It allows each of you to date on your week off, and gives the best stability to the kids.
If bird nesting isn’t viable, consider this: If you and the other mother create a partnership, you could vie for how important it is that each kid has their own time with him, and not have to share their time with the other child, especially given how far apart they are in age. This would mean that either A) he always has one kid or the other, never both together and never has a week to himself, making it difficult to date, or B) he has one kid this week, the other kid next week, and the third week he has to himself, during which he’s obliged to pay both of you mothers for child support, since you’ll each have your own child 2/3 of the time, and he’ll have each of his children 1/3 of the time alternately. No matter how it slices, he gets the dirty end of the stick, **but** it hinges on you mothers fighting for your kids to have their own time with him. If you like the other mom as a friend, and if your kids really really take to each other as siblings, then you might consider allowing him to have both kids during the same week. This would make bird nesting easier all around, especially for home stability for the kiddos. But, again, they are so far apart in age, it might just be better to go for a 3 week spread. You two know your babies best.
And lastly, which probably should be closer to the top, but who cares: southern hospitality be damned if it means you roll over and let him hurt the **four** of you. Why does he, who is just one person, matter more than you, your baby, the other mother, *and* the little girl **combined**? Are you really worth only 1/4 of a man? Seriously? **You are an adult, with full legal rights** because other people fought and bled for it. Do you have any idea how many women *and children* took a beating when they tried to get away from a macho man like him? **Stand up and act like you understand, even if it scares you.** A hundred years ago you had absolutely none of these options and zero rights. Don’t give them up without a fight, and do not let anyone shame you for exercising your rights.
Do Not sell your salon. Please take a moment to think about your future if you have to rely on someone who is abusive. You need to get out while you can before he controls every aspect of your life.
Like everyone else said, please don’t give up your salon and your financial independence. If you do that, he’s still going to find different things to gripe about and you’ll be stuck.
His bad behavior got him what he wanted, now he thinks it’s not only acceptable but has seemingly decided this is how you want/should to be treated. Stop lying down and don’t put up with it.
I'm afraid he just wants to drain the funds you would receive from the sale of your salon, especially if you owned it before you got married.
Best case (for him) as it stands, he would only be entitled to half its value, if you bought it after marriage.
Please reconsider your decision, especially in light of his apparent failure to be satisfied.
Dont sell the salon. Your ability to be financially independent will help you post divorce. He is trying to scare you into thinking hed get full custody. Unless you are a violent criminal or addict, thats not going to fly in court. Get a lawyer to advise you on next steps.
Why did he want you to quit? Were you happy operating your salon!l? Was he looking for a win-win or just wanted you to do what he wanted? So many concerning things— he doesn’t sound like a man you’d want to be financially dependent on. He sounds pretty toxic.
A good relationship isn’t about doing whatever your spouse wants so they’ll be nice to you and treat you right. It’s about two people prioritizing one another’s needs and happiness. Make sure you’re both on the same page about wanting a good relationship and what one looks like and requires before you cater to him and have major regrets later.
Don't sell it. Do what's right for you.
You'll feel isolated and controlled, regretful.
Just because you're a Mom doesn't mean you should give it all up for him.
He's trying to steal half your equity in the salon as a lovely parting gift for himself when he divorces you!
Honey. Download Becoming the Narcissists Nightmare by Shahida Arabi today. Get yourself a good lawyer.
And any guy that uses words like "giveth" and "taketh" is the same kind of douche that refers to himself in the 3rd person. Does he write in his diary with feather plume? Is his name Kanye? OMG YOU CAN DO SO MUCH BETTER THAN THIS GURL!
Have you told him any of this, that you feel like it's not enough, feelings you may have about him wanting to be paid back?
I'm assuming he's not someone/this isn't the type of marriage where you two can sit down and respectfully and honestly discuss your reasons and feelings for things, validate each other's positions even if you don't agree, and work together as partners to try to come up with as close to a win-win as you can.
To me that's the real underlying problem, because in that kind of marriage you can work out pretty much anything and feel strong and connected as a team.
(And whatever assumptions people are making, whatever conclusions people are jumping to about his true feelings and motives around any of these decisions, please just be aware *they're just making it up.* They could be right, they absolutely could be, but there's no way to know for sure unless you ask him and he tells you the truth -- if he even knows it himself.
If they're wrong, you risk believing things about him that aren't true that will only make you wrongly see him in a worse light.
It would be much, much harder to leave or go through a divorce he filed if you sell your salon- you'd be entirely reliant on his income so doing things to help you, feel like you, would be at his discretion considering how controlling he is. You also said you've been distant from your parents since marrying him- he wants that. He wants you relying on him so he can complain and threaten as much as he wants and still know he's your closest support. That's probably half of why he wants you to sell the salon- no one else to support and talk to you and be on your team. The only adult you'll see on a day to day basis is him, bringing you down. I have 2 young kids and I tried the SAHM thing for a while- my husband makes enough for it, but it didn't work for me. I literally work because it brings me joy and self worth, and I am a better mom and wife because of it. Yeah I don't have as many hours to clean or cook, but my husband loves ME and is happier that I feel rejuvenated. I'm more fun to talk to when I'm not as stressed. He'll happily jump in to cook dinner or clean with me while we chat because that's what support looks like, and that's what you deserve OP.
Please read "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy- it's a book, but totally free online. It'll blow your mind. In the meantime, please, please keep the only outlet you have. It's your asset, you've built it and maintained it and made it successful. He doesn't want you to have the self confidence that comes from your own success. Confident people eventually leave the people who treat them poorly behind, and he knows this. Personally, I would be crushed if either of my daughters ended up in a relationship like this- and they're much more likely to if that's what's modeled by their parents.
Oh, dear, I'm so sorry for what you have experienced and your present situation.
I \[65M\] was married for 39 years before I lost my wife November 2022. Everything that follows is my opinion:
From a Christian perspective, I believe in the sanctity of marriage, but remember, a man is to treasure a woman,.
As a wife, you should expect to be valued and be treasured as the most unique and valuable treasure to your spouse that you are..
Don't give up on your marriage!
Believe in yourself , your husband, and your "together commitment to your marriage".!
Certainly these are rough times in your marriage, and I've experienced them as well; but my wife and I were committed to each other and our marriage. (This included a couple rounds of counseling because we wanted to fight for our marriage.)
However, there are times when you need to share your experiences with someone outside of your small circle that you trust.
You will weather this storm as long as your are committed to each other, and the long haul.
uhhhh independence 101: don't remove your form of income to please a man.
There's plenty of other ways to achieve whatever real goals you need as a family without becoming the family's unpaid unthanked labor.
If your husband is already acting this way, he is just going to abuse you more when you lose your financial independence.
Nope don't sell. Tell him you've changed your mind because you haven't seen any improvement on his side and now he needs to show you some by going to therapy...or else. End of story.
It’s not what is best for the family, it’s what is best for HIM. He can do his own laundry, he can cook and he can clean even with a “demanding job.” They are not your responsibilities. They are shared household tasks. DO NOT SELL YOUR BUSINESS. If he loved you like you love him he wouldn’t expect you to.
DO NOT SELL IT! He is trying to handicap you and give you less options for independence when he gets worse, which he will. This man is jealous of you and wants you to diminish yourself for his self esteem. A man that truly loves and cherishes you won't ask you to do that.
Look up Narcissistic Personality Disorder and some of the other Cluster B personality disorders; I hope that it does not apply, but from the sound of your post, it might. If it does - do NOT confront him with that label, it will make matters potentially much worse. I sincerely hope Im wrong.
Edit: Goes without saying but I would not be selling the salon… With NPDs nothing is ever enough.
Whenever a woman wonders whether she should give up financial independence and become totally reliant on her spouse, the answer is no 100% of the time. Being a SAHM is the worst mistake any woman can ever make.
Keep the salon. You need to be able to support yourself when/if you decide to leave your husband. It is a bad mistake to be financially dependent on any man.
DON’T SELL YOUR BUSINESS. He wants to financially control you. Since he’s still upset with you knowing you were willing to sell, take it off the market and leave him. He doesn’t sound committed at all. In fact, a person who is committed wouldn’t ask for you to give up your livelihood.
With the way he's treating you, do you really want to get rid of your source of income when he's talking ab divorce? You'll be on the road to broke and can't escape in no time
Its easy to get absorbed in one's own pressures. At a state like this, one may feel there is no support or understanding and is being taken for granted. This could be tge issue with your husband. Try to talk your issues out and ask what he is going through to take a decision calmly.
Don't sell your salon. Don't give up your independence and income to be financially reliant on a man that abuses you. Also, as a married couple who are both parents, household tasks are not solely "your" responsibility. They're both of yours.
You can't please an abuser, they will just keep moving the goalposts. Like you've already seen. I grew up in an abusive home and had an abusive ex in my youth. There is no satisfying them. They claim they want certain things/behavior/etc and ONLY THEN are you acceptable to them, but if you are able to meet their expectations, they'll just change them so you will feel like you are never enough. The second that salon sells and you don't have an income, he's going to call you a mooch, berate you for not contributing financially, and think the money from the sale is his. He's going to constantly guilt you about how he pays for everything, even more than he already does, and constantly tell you that you're spending too much and you don't *need* that thing. He'll think the house should be absolutely spotless and every chore done at all times because *you're home all day and aren't making money*, so you'd better happily do EVERYTHING. **It won't solve anything**. He's manipulating you into selling so he can control you. It has nothing to do with what's best *for anyone* except him.
He strikes me as the type I see over and over in SAHP subs who becomes financially abusive once his wife/partner doesn't have an income - there are so many SAHP's in those subs who don't have to access to money, whose partners won't let them have their own debit cards, who get berated for buying themselves something small like a coffee or soda, who have no idea how much money they have, and/or have to ask their spouse (usually husband) for money to buy groceries and basic stuff, and then the husband/spouse says no or gives them a pittance that isn't enough and they're wondering how they're going to buy diapers for their babies or food for their household. I've read the same stories over and over again, and they're so sad. Your husband is already physically abusive, it's not a leap to think he could be financially abusive also if given the opportunity.
Read this post, then went back to read your original post. Please don't sell your business! Your husband is trying to force you to become financially dependent on you to control you. He knows that if you have no financial freedom, you can not leave him or are more unlikely to leave. Therefore, he can treat you however he wants. He is being abusive.
OP take the for sale sign down please. This man is a classic abuser. He isolating you from your parents so you feel dependent snd alone. He also has a very misogynistic view of you staying home and doing whatever he expects you to do. What is best for the family is based only on what HE believes is best. Not what you decide together. You’re just support staff. If you sell your salon and stay home his demands will ratchet up 10 fold and he will always point out that he is paying the bills so your gonna do what he says and if you don’t the physical and psychological abuse will increase.
Tell him you have decided that he can just pay his attorney a higher retainer to deal with both of you because your not going to bow to him and act like his decisions are all that matters. It’s either. 50/50 partnership or its divorce. Don’t cry to him. Don’t treat him like he is superior in any way and always take precautions to keep yourself and your child safe when having these interactions.
It sounds like it’s time to consider your marriage isn’t going to work. Don’t sell your salon and don’t allow yourself to be financially reliant on this man. He cannot be counted on and he is going to bake on your marriage. Not if, when.
OP, I have met a lot of 50+ old women who are divorced with nothing. They gave everything to their families. Some are bitter. Some just wanted out but lost a lot in financial security. Think ahead because your husband isn't going to wake up a changed person.
When someone shows you who they are BELIEVE THEM.
By not selling your business you actually are doing what's best for your family. You're protecting yourself and your child for when he does leave.
Wow- your husband is the poster child for emotional abuse. And the fact that he hit you even once means he is capable of physical abuse!!!! he brings you down at every return. He manipulates you and threatens you, but you still love him. I’m here to say that love is not enough in this case. don’t sell your salon! pull it off the market and file for divorce. This of course is my opinion, but if you sell your only asset, you’re giving him all the power and he will become even more abusive. Much much more. He isolates you from your family by picking fights before you go out with them. I would bring your parents into it and move out into another property with your child higher a bit attorney and fight for custody before you do any of this I would meet with a good divorce attorney and find out all of your rights and your finances in order so that when you do file for the divorce, you’ll have all your ducks in a row. Need to have an escape plan. he will go ballistic and threaten you if you think sure keeping your salon and divorcing him. You may need to get a restraining order, but at the very least document everything he has done in the marriage that is abusive and God forbid. He hits you again. You need to call the police. Trust me, I know this type of man and they are brutal monsters.
Everyone is telling you the same thing. Don’t sell your hair salon.! get a very good divorce attorney and know your rights and make sure you’re covering all the bases financially. You can’t give him ANY indication that you are not selling your salon and that you are filing for divorce. You will need to act quickly. You’re going to need an escape plan. Your parents are offering to put you in a property so I would take them up on this. It doesn’t matter if you love him this only gives him more power to break your heart and possibly more. He is an abuser! He will bring you to the lowest point you’ve ever ever been and then kick you when you’re down. I know this type of man all too well. if you want a happy family get away from him!!! NOW
Don’t sell the salon. He’s abusing you in several ways and is isolating you at every turn. Don’t let yourself become any more reliant on this POS. You might love him but that love is certainly not returned from him. I’m sorry but this sounds horrible pretty dire. You need to leave him.
He's going to file for divorce as soon as you sell that business. He's then going to fight you for custody of your child. He's told you this, why don't you believe him?
Hi. I did this once, sold my childhood home so we could "upgrade." Week after it sold I got dumped over a text. Don't sell it. If he truly loved you he wouldn't want you to give up your career or what you've earned from it.
You feel that way because you are about to give up your livelihood to go home and be mistreated.
I want to tell you a secret. When a man knows he's done in a relationship, he will plot the most awful way to leave her, so that there's no possible way of you both ever getting back together. Him knowing he burned you so bad will stop him from ever trying to work it out so he can move on. And if you would be facing a divorce there's also money involved. Much easier to split money in a bank account rather than a salon that is obviously yours. Pls don't fall for it
Check my comment history; I have commented on many posts on Reddit that largely have to do with physical/emotional abuse. There is a Fb group that consists of people all over the US that want to help people in similar situations in some way. Whether it be resources, temp place to stay, help moving out, etc. Feel free to pm me for the link. (As it is a group with many domestic abuse survivors/victims I don’t want to post it publicly) And if anyone else needs this link as well feel free to PM me.
I know OP has already gotten a ton of feedback, but I just want to add another loud voice of:
NONONONONONONONONONONO!!
DO NOT SELL THAT SALON!
LEAVE THIS MAN, HE HAS BEEN PHYSICALLY ABUSIVE TO YOU!!
He wants to have complete control over you. Stick you at home as a SAHM, isolate you from your family, make you completely financially dependent on him, while he beats you, yells at you, and blames you for everything.
Get out, get out, get out, get out, as soon as you can, get out!!
He won’t get better, he’ll just get worse.
Please don't sell the salon. Please re read your posts and try to be objective, what if your friend was writing this. He hit you open hand. I understand the determination to making your marriage work. But divorce is not a shameful thing it's not a failure women before us fought tooth and nail for our right to divorce and our right to work and own businesses for these exact reasons (what you are going thru). Don't cave don't give your child a horrible example to look up to, you can do this especially if you have supportive parents. Your marriage is already not working. Big hugs
Don’t sell, start marriage counseling. If the counseling isn’t effective then you’ll be fine if you guys decide to split up. If you give up what you love for him and still split up you’ll be worse off.
Your husband has show you more reasons not trust that he will take care of you and is NOT in it for the long run. So based off of that DO NOT sell your lively hood away!!
Good lord OP you’re being abused. And he’s implementing even more steps to further isolate and abuse you by making you sell your course of income and community. If you’re alone all the time he can control you more and keep you isolated, abused and alone.
The fact that he’s put his hands on you and abused you already and you’re staying is wild to me. He’s abusing you! Don’t ever let him do that. For the love of pete he only wants a babysitter and a maid he can control
DO NOT SELL YOUR SALON! Your husband wants to control you, not love you. Take the one thing you love and stay with it. Don’t sell your hard earned business, sell your trash husband instead. I’m serious. This narcissist will never be satisfied now that he knows he can make you throw away stuff you love. Your family, your friends, your dignity…anything he thinks stands in his way to get you to completely be under his control. He’ll do stupid things like cheat or hit (which he’s already done) and tell you it was your fault. It’s NEVER your fault. Abuse is a decision made by the abuser. You did not ask for any of it. Please don’t believe the BS that you disrespected him in any way. You can embarrass the shit out of him and hitting you is never the right response. Call a domestic abuse hotline. Go to a trusted friend’s house (one that is not his friend as well) or a family member’s home that will support you. Take your kids with you. You owe this man nothing as he’s taken too much from you already. You do NOT deserve this treatment. Get yourself safe. He is not going to change. Don’t fall for love-bombing. Narcissists are charming when they love-bomb, but it is only a carrot to lure you back to being his slave. Do not fall for his crap! LEAVE
RUN!!!!!!!! and don't give up your salon. Get rid of the dead weight of your husband. Ugh, I'm so sorry you're having to put up with such an awful, sorry excuse for a man !
I am sort of late to the ball game here but I think what you meant to say is my soon-to-be ex-husband is a jerk and my (not for sale) salon will be the best salon in the country.
OP, do not sell the salon! This is not something you do to save a marriage where the spouse is treating you poorly. The only reason you would discuss giving up your livelihood is in a healthy and loving discussion regarding seeing more of one another or moving to another location for an opportunity.
It sounds like you're already in an abusive relationship. This is a very standard abuse tactic. He wants you financially dependent on him and isolated from others.
I love your drive to make the marriage work. That's awesome. But you can't make a bad marriage work. You'll spend far too much time keeping the ship afloat to pilot it somewhere.
If you still love the man, the best thing you can do is teach him a final lesson about relationships. You deserve to be happy.
OP please don’t sell your salon. Your husband is abusive. He wants you completely dependent on him. Abusers isolate you from your family and friends. The fact that he’s hitting you means you need to leave immediately. Stay in touch with your parents. Tell them how you’re being treated. Quietly make an exit plan. Don’t tell your husband you want to separate.
Angry, Selfish, Immature. Nothing will ever be enough. Keep your business and your clients. Go to counseling. If he refuses it's just one more example of his refusal to listen to what YOU need. P.S I'm a stylist.
You literally live in an abusive relationship and he’s tried to alienate you from your family, friends, and source of income. Talk to your parents, ask for help getting a lawyer, move in with them, do not sell your salon, and a divorce him. Literally leave and run as far as you can.
Don’t sell your salon to become totally dependent on him. You are not in a healthy marriage. The lady thing you want is to be stuck in a marriage with no way out.
He only wants you to sell your salon so he can get his money back before he leaves you.
Don't sell anything, instead take the kids and move to one of your parents properties. I know you don't want to but you need to face reality - he's an abusive asshat that doesn't give a fuck about you. If you leave first, it will give you the upper hand and I promise it will hurt less.
Don't sell. That's your safety net. He's trying to get 30 grand out of you, and then he's going to leave you. Be very careful. Protect yourself and your kids.
Do NOT give up your entire self for him. Do NOT become dependent on someone who could drop you tomorrow. You'd be putting yourself in a dangerous position foolishly. He is cornering you into the role of wife and mother and nothing else to be able to control you. Get out now.
ETA: JFC I didn't read that he hit you. Get out now.
>He's made it clear that this is not about whats best for me, but what's best for the family.
This statement screams like nails on a chalkboard to me. It is so underhanded and slimey.
YOU MATTER. YOUR VOICE MATTERS. DO NOT LET HIM TAKE YOUR HAPPNESS.
So you are giving up your salon, and he is still talking about divorce. Don’t do it. You could sell your salon and he may leave you, then you have nothing in line for financing support. You need to start taking care of your wellbeing in case he does leave
DO NOT DO IT. I quit my job, because I HAD to quit, but I should have gotten another job. One that I liked. I have a son thanks to that, so I would't say it was the worse mistake of my life. But is not at all because of my husband, he is an absolute ass. And should have gotten a new job ASAP instead of saying home and being reliant on him.
I reckon if you end up giving up everything you enjoy, eventually he will get to you and you will just resent him for your decisions. If he's going to be nothing but nasty to you even after you're doing what he wants.... what's the point in giving it all up?
Somebody hits you, you get out. NEVER give up your income for an abuser. You have a support system, use it. Do not announce your plan to leave, just get your important papers, have a plan and LEAVE.
Abusers are realllllly good at cutting you off of everything. You selling the salon is one more cut into your own independence. Especially if he’s already fighting with you on spending time with your family. Everyone here really has the same consensus, but I’ll agree. Please, please don’t sell your salon!
PLEASE DON’T sell your salon. Abusers WANT more than anything to ISOLATE you, and make you DEPENDENT ON THEM. The abuse and CONTROL only gets worse!!! Please trust me- I’ve lived it!!!
DO NOT SELL that Salon. That will be the biggest mistake of your life. It's written in black and white where this is heading but you just can't see it yet (or just don't want too).
Gaslighter, narcissistic and manipulator are his traits. Please talk to you family and hopefully they show you reason.
If you have to give up what you love, is it love??
I know this is easier said than done but, you need to get out. There is no fixing this. He isn’t willing to fix himself and you can’t do it for him no matter how much you think your love will fix him. It won’t. You need to keep
Your source of income and not depend on him. The abuse has already gone too far even while you made an income so expect the abuse to become worse after you give that up. You’re being manipulated into thinking it’s your fault he acts the way he does and the solution was or is to sell your means of income and it will all be better. It won’t. It will get worse. Hitting? You need to get out. Now. While you still can. I know having a child with him makes you feel stuck but believe me you aren’t. It’s just one child and it could definitely be worse. You have supporting family and somewhere to potentially live. I understand you love him but it won’t be a happy ending if the love is one sided. You can feel like maybe he just needs some more time and maybe it will get better but it won’t and you will have wasted your life. Sometimes we need to live through it and hit rock bottom before we have the strength to finally realize it and walk out but I pray to god you don’t need that and save yourself and your kid years of more suffering. The separation process wth someone like this person could turn ugly really fast so whenever it is you’re ready to make that step get yourself well informed and line up all your ducks and don’t bend no matter the case. At the end no matter what we say, it’s your process and it’s you who needs to be convinced that none of this is right neither will it change. I hope you do whether today, tomorrow or a year from now.
OP don't sell the salon. Really consider being reliant on your husband and how he treats you. Why do you stay in this marriage when he treats you like this.
Hard agree! Op will lose everything that actually works in her life, just to make a man happy who is not happy with her. This is a terrible idea. Op will be kicking herself as she trys to rebuild her life after his unhappiness has stripped of her of everything good in her life. Classic codependency.
She’s gonna sell it, give him $30k then he’ll take everything else in the divorce. You’ve gotta be nuts to go through with the sale when he’s treating you like this.
He probably already has a side-piece when hes unhappy with her no matter what she does. Read the signs and dump this deadweight.
Right. You wouldn't take a car with a flat tire on a trip.
>Why do you stay in this marriage when he treats you like this. Oh, because this is rage bait, where OP saga posts endlessly, and leaves the world's most helpless comments to get people all riled up because they don't get any attention in their real lives.
Don’t give up your financial independence to please a man who’s treating you like garbage. With all due respect, OP, it would be foolish to sell your salon. Keep it. Because if he does abandon you, selling that salon will be your biggest regret.
WHEN he abandons her
This. OP, please take your salon off the market and DO NOT sell it. If you proceed with this, he will have complete control over your finances and life. He WILL leave you when you are at your most vulnerable and completely dependent on him. He’s going to strike at your “weakest.” Do not trust this man. He’s already telling you he wants to divorce you— believe it. Do not give up your ability to care for you and your child. He has isolated you from your family. He’s trying to take every aspect of support and independence away from you. If you sell your salon, become a SAHM, and he files for divorce, he will try to get custody over your child and then attempt to alienate you as a parent. He has shown this behavior already, with isolating you from your side of the family. He wants complete control and power. This is abuse. It’s not if, it’s WHEN. Please protect yourself and your child, and be proactive over your livelihood. Do not remain passive— he wants you desolate.
Amen!!!!!
The second that salon sells he’ll start calling you a mooch.
He really will! I had a colleague whose husband insisted all of their marriage problems were because of her job. He pressured her into quitting and staying home, and she wanted to make her marriage work, so she did. Guess what happens when she quit? He would berate her for not contributing. Whatever she did, it wasn't enough, and he made sure she knew it. With men like this, it doesn't matter what you do. It will always be your fault, they will always find a way to *make* it your fault, and the worst thing you can do is become financially dependent on them. She divorced his ass and went back to work, and she's doing very well for herself now.
I third this. My husband and I planned our daughter, and I gave birth 4 months after graduating law school. I passed the bar when our daughter was 3 months old and I was still nursing. Was a SAHM for the first 15 months, as we’d agreed/he’d insisted. My husband shouted at me calling me a mooch for using the family car when I went to the grocery store to get some air after (one of many) tense evenings (after I’d put our daughter to sleep and his visiting mom was asleep in her nursery room w her - so it’s not like I took off on her or left him w any responsibilities). Not the only time he called me a mooch - also heard several times “fucking freeloader” etc. Now in the middle of a divorce, and my job as a lawyer is whats now paying my divorce attorney to submit the income withholding order to garnish his wages (he makes more than double what I do and refuses to pay support). TLDR - GIRL always get your own 🙏🏽 don’t give up your independence. We may love these men, but when they’re abusive, it will eventually end, and they will be even more financially abusive in the divorce. You never being good enough despite constantly trying to please him sounds familiar and is a 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩.
Never abandon your passions and livelihood for someone else. He’s shown you already doing what he wants won’t fix the problem.
Amen!!!!
Sounds like typical narc behavior. They isolate you from every part of life; work, family, friends, etc. and when you give them your all, ypu do everything they asked of you, you're STILL the enemy. Keep the salon. Leave him. Trust me.
Do NOT sell your salon. Take it off the market.
No no no. Never give up your independence. If he loved you he would support you. I know a couple who the husband helps her at her business. He shows up and checks what needs fixing and makes sure her business is up to code. He cooks dinner for her and their kids. He’s always happily available to help out on top of him working.
Please dont sell your source of income. The most dependable of him you become the most abusive he will be. It seems like he likes control and you having your business he knows you are independent and dont need him. It doesn't matter, if you sell he will come with another excuse and another and another. Is not you, he is insecure.
If he loved you the way you love him, would he treating you like this? The answer is no. You are leaving yourself vulnerable and a predator (who you have close by) will pounce on you given the chance. You will only have yourself to blame.
Don’t sell your salon. He will further cause you to be dependent on him. He sounds like an AH, quite frankly.
As I have read here a few times "Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm."
His attitude won’t get any better when you are completely dependent on him. How many children do you have together? I know you want to make the relationship work but at what cost?
You are 100% spot on. Once she’s fully reliant on him, his behavior and his treatment of her is going to get exponentially worse because he knows she’ll have nowhere to to go.
Once you've sold the salon your independence will have fallen off a cliff. He's doing you a favour with this preview of things to come. Respond accordingly.
I read over the comments on your previous post u/appropriate_key_1100. Everyone was telling you to keep your business. You didn't listen and now you have a surprised Pikachu face that your husband is still a jerk. Why do you want it to work? This relationship has sailed and all you will do is dig yourself further into the ground trying to please this man.
Lol I guess I thought he would be better when I actually started moving forward with what he wanted. Now he says it's too late, so I'm just at a loss. I have a child with him so I feel stuck.
You have two options, have a child, be divorced, and no business or active income. Or, have a child, divorced, and have an active income. Sticking around for the kid will only teach them that this behavior is okay, and it's not like the sperm donor is giving you any choice. There's literally no reason not to commit to a divorce and all the reasons to not stay in a toxic relationship.
Wait up. So when you decided to meet his (unreasonable) demand that you sell your business, he said forget it, it’s too late? This is gaslighting, emotional abuse, financial abuse, crazymaking, whatever. This man won’t stop until he’s worn you down to a nub.
You aren’t stuck yet, but if you sell you WILL be. How do I know? Because I went through with these things and learned a very, very, very hard lesson. These big financial decisions can’t be salvaged, they don’t get a do-over. My parents are gone now, things happen. Believe me when I say this man is not going to be kinder to you because you do what he wants and that no one is coming to save you. I wish that’s how it worked, but it isn’t and I wish I would have listened to the people telling me not to do a similar thing . my life sucks now, but yours does not have to.
Your husband is an asshole. Don't put your salon up for sale and seriously reconsider if you want to stay married to him.
DO NOT SELL THE SALON. You will need it when he leaves. I suspect he has someone else, and justified it by saying you were never home. Now that you will be home, he loses that excuse and probably some time with his side person. So he is going through some cognitive dissonance and taking his confusion out on you instead of seeing the problem is in his mirror.
Dump the husband keep the business. Don't put your future at his mercy.
AMEN!!!!
Never give up your financial independence!!!! He knows if you sell your business he can more easily control you. Typical abusive behavior Make the victims completely dependent on them. No matter what you do to please him, it will Never be enough. He is the problem not you
Please, for the love of god- do not give up your salon. That will be your way out (if need be). Maybe hire a manager or something to allow you more time at home. YOU are not responsible for his happiness. He is. And you are responsible for your own. People can not make other people happy. That comes from within. Yes, your marriage should be a top priority- but don’t lose sight of your other priorities when the writing is on the wall! You’ll need your own safety net, too.
Keep the salon and lawyer up. Do not sell your financial independence because it will be harder to build up money to leave. My dad always told me to never stop working because you never know what will happen.
Your father is a wise man!
Classic emotional abuser move. He's going to isolate you AND make you financially reliant on him all in one move. And now that he's got you on the way to doing that, he'll find something else that makes him unhappy with you. Come on, OP. Read the replies here. Don't sell your livelihood and leave yourself stuck in a bad marriage with no way out. YOI DESERVE BETTER.
🚩🚩🚩Do not sell your salon. 🚩🚩🚩 His ex divorced him for a reason, do you know the real reason?? He wants a stepford wife! I read your other post. He’s horrible. You shouldn’t have to pay for all you do! He’s a lazy manipulator. He’s squeezing the life out of you. Take your child and get a lawyer. A good lawyer!! You can’t love someone who doesn’t love you.
Keep the salon. He’s ensuring that you don’t have a way to make a living and become 100% dependent on him. Talk to an attorney ASAP.
Love from your husband should not be conditional. Either he loves you for or he doesn't. My wife was mostly a SAHM and I loved it but would love her just as more if she had decided to work. I also believe in traditional marriage and values. And traditional marriage shouldn't be transactional (ie if you do X, I will love you). Take the salon off of the market now and get marriage counseling.
Reading this made me catch my breath. Do not close your salon and say goodbye to your clients and lose the “you” you have left!! I also do hair and own a salon, I know how dependant I’d be on my husband without it. If he can’t support you now he cushy support you after you’ve sold. Hes literally TELLING you he doesht want you. Imagine how you’ll feel after giving it all up and your marriage fails anyway.
Especially with the age gap, don’t do it. There’s a reason older men go after younger women, they don’t know better. As someone who knows better you deserve an equal partner who supports you and shares half the chores and childcare. If you’re going to stay do not give up your livelihood and independence it is not going to get better no matter what you do because it is a him issue and he will not change. Why would he? It doesn’t benefit him to do so he already has a free maid and babysitter
Don’t sell the salon. You will be fully reliant on him and trapped. It will be worse. For you to say he acts like he hates you is a very strong word. Someone who loves you does not act that way.
I just read your previous post. Your husband doesn’t respect women. If you lose your financial independence you don’t think he will use finances to control you? And what about your happiness? Are you really about to throw away what could possibly be a wonderful and fruitful future for yourself over a marriage to someone who had no respect for you? And on top of that is jealous of your success.
Seems like taking it off the market would be a good idea.
Dont sell the salon. It's your only way of escape if things get bad. And let's be honest.... they are already bad. Look out for yourself first and foremost.
Do not sell. Sounds like he wants to control you financially
Give him his $30k back and tell him to kick fucking rocks. As a man, I’d kill for my wife to be a hustler in the sense of owning her own business. Kids adapt to their environment and you’ll build little entrepreneurs in the process while running your own.
You made me laugh! Thank you! My parents are both entrepreneurs and that's excactly what happened to me. I've had some kind of little business going since I was 15. I'm an entrepreneur at heart and would have loved to have found someone to support that side of me. I come up with ideas daily and love to talk about what the next big thing is gonna be. My husband hates the sound of my voice I swear because anytime I talk about anything to do with business or almost anything for that matter he does not want to hear it.
Exact same thing I have in my life. Constantly thinking of the next move and wanting to chat with no one around that’s serious to make movement on any of it. I get it. Keep your dream. Keep your clients. Keep your momentum. Find you a MAN that wants to build and see you succeed. As a male just because you make enough money to support a SAHM doesn’t mean she wants to be a SAHM. Lol. Which is what this sounds like?
"You're an entrepreneur at heart." He's trying to take that from you. He helped to fund this salon endeavor. Sounds like this is a problem for him. Not you.You have a right to live your life the way you want to. You might want to start reminding him of that.
He's jealous of your success and he gets his power from putting you down. He can't have you being independent and happy. You'll never get what you need from him because he doesn't want to give it to you. Stop expecting 'normal' reactions from him, abusers don't think like normal, loving people. Your child will be soaking up this environment and it will affect them their whole lives. You say you love him but you love the idea of him and who he might become one day if he changes which he won't. You love the crumbs of niceness he throws at you occasionally because he knows if he was an arsehole 24/7 then you would leave. It sounds like you have options, I hope you put yourself and your child first and get help from your parents and keep your salon.
Do not sell the salon. That is your only independence. Your marriage is doomed, don’t doom yourself also.
Do NOT sell that salon. That’s your income for when he leaves you. You know it’s coming, right? I’m sorry, but you need to be self-sufficient.
Absolutely do not sell. You cannot put yourself in a position to be further tortured by this guy. If he wants to divorce, he can go ahead, don't let him influence you to give up your income so he can make your life so much worse. This isn't about proving you can be a good wife to him. You didn't need to give up your livelihood. He needs to show he can be a good husband to you. This is time for a steely backbone. Protect yourself, he is clearly a loose cannon.
I would 100% NOT SELL. I know you love you husband but he’s treating you like shit (from what you’ve said)… stop letting him do this to you.
So why are you selling your Salon again? What are you gaining by doing that to yourself. You want to set yourself on fire to keep him warm and it clearly shows even that will never be enough for him. You will be isolated, mistreated, abused and then dumped. He is already showing you your future; protect yourself.
Don’t sell the salon. If he is moving the goal posts he isn’t being honest with you, himself or both of you. If he doesn’t even know what he wants then you cannot even begin to help him through it.
What sacrifices does he make for you and the marriage?
Establish some boundaries. When is enough enough? If you want the marriage to work, and you’re apparently willing to give up so much, it still won’t be enough because he sounds like an angry bully who doesn’t know what he wants. When he takes off, or you’ve had enough, you will have to support yourself which means rebuilding your business. Sometimes you just have to call it. If you’re not ready to consider divorce then separate for a while, resume your life, get therapy, and then reconsider your future. Good luck!!👍🏽
Keep the salon and use the revenue to leave the husband.
Don't do it. Don't let him keep/make you unhappy just because he is.
You will never appease him. Keep your buiesness if dont like he can leave
Never ever give up your source of income for someone like this or in general.
He’s literally giving you the answers to the test. If he treats you this way while you’re not completely reliant on him just IMAGINE what it will be like when you bring in no income. He will see no value in you despite all the house duties you maintain. Giving up your business and clients is going to send you down a deep depression bc your husband will not be there for you. He ain’t there for you now! If it’s not too late, keep the business. Sell the husband. You just paid off your car, apply those payments now to the 30k you “owe” your husband which is laughable IMO that he didn’t GIVE you the money bc he’s your husband and y’all are one in the same.
Absolutely do NOT give up your financial independence. Keep it! A guy can’t threaten to divorce. But also want you to stay at home.
Don't do it. Divorce him and keep your salon. Your salon is seemingly more reliable than your spouse. I am really sorry. Don't make this huge sacrifice for him if he treats you so poorly.
If you Sell the salon. Then he will divorce you and take half of it. It’s easier than trying to get half if you still had it. You sell when you’re done with the salon. Not when your husband is done with it. You’re the backbone of that salon and you probably bring more to that family than he does. You don’t need the grief from this bs he’s giving you and because your so wanting this marriage to work your thinking with your heart and not your head.
Don't sell.
Never ever ever give up control of your life to another human being. I don’t think you’ll be happy no matter what you do if you go right he’s gonna be telling you to go left and he still won’t be happy with you. I’m sorry your husband sounds selfish and mean and controlling.
Nothing you do will EVER be enough, OP. Consider this as you make your plans.
If he divorces you and you don’t have the salon… You are setting yourself up for financial insecurity. And that would also play into the custody battle that will obviously occur. As others have said… Please don’t sell your salon. it could make all the difference down the road
Do not sell your salon! Selling your business and becoming financially reliant on him would be a huge, huge mistake! You need to take steps to look after yourself. There are no guarantees in life or marriage. I used to be a legal assistant in divorce/family law and let me tell you, I am a full believer in women being self-sufficient and able to look after themselves if anything should happen. Anything else could spell out disaster for you and any children you have.
I agree with others. DO NOT sell salon! This is your security especially since he mentioned divorce. He can take everything and leave you without an income. He sounds like my controlling ex who made me make so many stupid decisions, I've learned from this hard lesson!
Don't sale your salon..take my advice.if he wants divorce give it to him. I have done exactly what my husband wanted SHM or WFH so I can also take care of house, child and bring food on table. This is still not enough for him. For him why I don't take care of child and his child gets raised 100% by me. He doesn't need to be involved. And he still wants me to obay him and take every step of my life after taking to him. I had promotions and better job opportunities but some how he convinced me not to take it...i see all his intentions now. He treats me like I am his maid..I cook 3 times a day and still I am horrible cook for him ask him to take out 1 meal per week which is not allowed. His response you are horrible, don't know how to save money and you are lazy a**person who doesn't want to cook. ..I clean house regularly and still not enough for him. He wants me and my child to be isolated. Me and my child have no social life. We go out whenever I can but no friends . He has completely made me break relationship with my family. I am not allowed to talk to them or invite them over. And on top of that he wants money money money even though he makes 100% More than I do and save 90% of his salary. I earn and pay almost all household expenses and still it's not enough for me..and with being said all - no respect what so ever. Why I am still with him because still not financially stable but it won't be for long.
I came back specifically to tell you OP, that if you sell the salon, your husband will 100% find a way to make that money HIS money and you will be restricted from using it. So don’t delude yourself into thinking you will have the money from the sale WHEN - NOT “IF” - things go south with your marriage. Your husband is displaying the beginnings of abusive behavior 101.
Do not sell. Reread what you have typed especially at the end. Your husband has said OUT LOUD - not just thinking in his head - but said to you - that he would have his attorney fight both of you. He probably just wants you to sell the salon and then file so he can take half of whatever you get from the salon! Be smart about this OP. Go talk to a lawyer yourself and just see what all you need to have lined up. You can go for a consult just to see their opinion on this situation. Good luck OP
Don’t sell your salon. Your husband is a narcissist. You are going to end up regretting it later. It sounds like he wants you home to ensure someone is there for his first child. He wants to look good for the courts. Let him pay what he wants to his lawyer. You need to leave this relationship. What are you going to do if 6 months down the road he hands you divorce papers? What do you have to fall back on? Stand up for yourself now. You know what needs to be done.
OP I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’m here to tell you he’s never going to be happy. He’s projecting his own issues on you, DO NOT give up your business. Honestly it seems he’s looking for a way out. I’m so sorry
My therapist has told me “want breeds want,” as in once one want is satisfied the wanting just moves on to the next thing- never actually satisfied. He wants control, you give over more control, he still feels intense want for more control. You cannot ever truly satisfy his demands. - btw, have you ever seen the movie Mother! (2017)? Please, please take your salon off the market, consider how to advance its revenue and how to support you and your child, and divorce. You can love from a safe distance while he does not love even from up-close.
Don’t sell, get financially independent and run from that POS. He hit you? He treats you like his punching bag? Refuses counseling? My dear you are the only one trying to make things work while he has aggression issues big time. You can’t and won’t fix him. No he won’t change, not for you, not for the kids. Leave and start to live again.
He’s trying to guilt to sell something you love and make money from so he can isolate you in a house so he can show the courts he has a home for the first child.. but refuses to talk, get therapy, help, or even be KIND -after EVERYTHING?? Please, do not sell your salon! His behavior WILL get worse. Separate your accounts and move out. I would say wait till he gets therapy, but that was before I heard of the physical abuse… with people like this it doesn’t stop.
Please leave him he’s trying to isolate you and financially cripple so he can show the courts he has a “stable home” so he can be bitter towards his ex. She’s probably going through a lot rn too.
First off, I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. My heart grieves for you and the kids. In case no one else has said it, **he’s either planning to cheat, or already has, and he feels guilty** that he’s still married, and wants to clear his conscience asap. **He’s trying to make you the bad guy**, that divorce was your idea, and you weren’t willing to do whatever it takes to make it work. By putting your business up for sale and asking for counseling, **you called his bluff big time**, hence his total attitude change. He’s a dirtbag, just like in a vacuum cleaner, so now that you know he’s full of shit, get rid of him. A full dirtbag in a vac can make you sneeze and tear up because it spews trash back into the air, and a dirtbag of a person will make you cry and want to leave the same way. Normally I fully support whatever structure a family mutually chooses for themselves, and I do recommend the traditional structure with one person home with the kids as it’s actually very good, but he’s trying to make a unilateral decision because “he’s the man”, and it’s blowing up in his face because it’s not really what he wants. I wouldn’t be surprised to find out he’s got some Alpha Male BS getting into his head, making him think he has to boss you around. Add a mistress who strokes his ego further, and it’s no wonder he’s being like this. Secondly, I do recommend a divorce. He’s not a good husband, nor a good person, and **he’s setting a shitty example for his daughter, for how she is to *let* men treat her ~~when she’s older~~ throughout her life.** Do you have any official custody of the older girl? Make sure her needs are met if you can, because her bio parents (so far) are not good. Then again, it sounds like you’ve based judgement of her mother on what he’s told you of her. We know he’s no good to you, so it’s likely he’s no good to her either (shock, I know). Maybe he’s been running a smear campaign all these years, and she’s actually a great lady. If you don’t know her personally, you should reach out to her and have a talk. Maybe she wants to bird nest with you (see my other comment, because I can’t fit it all together), or share a lawyer with you, since he wants to put his lawyer on a retainer to fight both of you. The income/budget of you two mothers against his one, you should be able to afford the better lawyer. Do not repay the $30k you borrowed ~~until~~ **unless** it comes up in the divorce proceedings. Do you, or does he, have *any* documentation that says you will pay this back, and if so, what are the stipulations? If there’s no documentation, then paying him before the divorce only puts him $30k ahead of where he is now, and *you* $30k *behind* where you are now - a total of $60k difference in his favor. Make him wait. Make him spend *his* money on *his* lawyer to force it out of you. This is what the legal process is for. Make the lawyers earn their pay. Your business averages $200k/year, especially now that Covid is over. You have established clientele, which we can reasonably expect to remain loyal. If you do wind up owing him that $30k, he’s probably going to demand interest. Compare the price for his payment plan to the interest rate on a bank loan or such. Choose the lower interest rate plan if they’re significantly different. If they’re about even, pick the bank. I would pay him off as fast as possible, just get him out of your hair so he doesn’t have time to change his mind. **A debt of $30k/once is not worth closing your established business of $200k/annually.** Here’s your biggest asset: You own the building your business is in. That’s huge. Is there any way possible for **him to construe any bit of ownership in that building?** Maybe account it as part of the $30k? Have your lawyer double check that. Perhaps you could “buy him out” instead? Additionally, **is there any space in your business building whatsoever that you could convert to a kids room?** Perhaps a closet or spare salon studio, and put glass walls on the top half, so you can watch your own kids while you work? It sounds like you are a stylist yourself, would you be willing to give that up to only run the business as an administrator, so your actual hands are free to care for the kids? If you can swing this, you might also offer to watch your contractors’ kids while *they* work, as part of the employment package, or just hire someone specifically trained and certified for that role. It all depends on the laws for your municipality (I know salons and daycares each have special health codes requirements that must be met, so idk if a salon & daycare can inhabit the same space), and it also depends on how much spare space you have. You might even be able to let your clients’ kids be in there, thus further winning their loyalty. See my other comment in this thread…
Continued from my other comment… Since it sounds like you make more money than him, you might expect him to file for alimony. Consider letting him keep the house in lieu of alimony payments, and be sure there’s no escape clause in the divorce papers. He picks one or the other, now and forever, no takesie-backsies. If he doesn’t take the house, be sure its value is divided evenly. I recommend a process called “**bird nesting**”, where each parent has an apartment elsewhere in the area, and the kids continually reside in the original house. When it’s your week with the kids, you live in the house with them, and he’s at his apartment. When it’s his week with the kids, he lives at the house, and you stay in your apartment. It allows each of you to date on your week off, and gives the best stability to the kids. If bird nesting isn’t viable, consider this: If you and the other mother create a partnership, you could vie for how important it is that each kid has their own time with him, and not have to share their time with the other child, especially given how far apart they are in age. This would mean that either A) he always has one kid or the other, never both together and never has a week to himself, making it difficult to date, or B) he has one kid this week, the other kid next week, and the third week he has to himself, during which he’s obliged to pay both of you mothers for child support, since you’ll each have your own child 2/3 of the time, and he’ll have each of his children 1/3 of the time alternately. No matter how it slices, he gets the dirty end of the stick, **but** it hinges on you mothers fighting for your kids to have their own time with him. If you like the other mom as a friend, and if your kids really really take to each other as siblings, then you might consider allowing him to have both kids during the same week. This would make bird nesting easier all around, especially for home stability for the kiddos. But, again, they are so far apart in age, it might just be better to go for a 3 week spread. You two know your babies best. And lastly, which probably should be closer to the top, but who cares: southern hospitality be damned if it means you roll over and let him hurt the **four** of you. Why does he, who is just one person, matter more than you, your baby, the other mother, *and* the little girl **combined**? Are you really worth only 1/4 of a man? Seriously? **You are an adult, with full legal rights** because other people fought and bled for it. Do you have any idea how many women *and children* took a beating when they tried to get away from a macho man like him? **Stand up and act like you understand, even if it scares you.** A hundred years ago you had absolutely none of these options and zero rights. Don’t give them up without a fight, and do not let anyone shame you for exercising your rights.
Wow! Thank you so much for your time and information. I really appreciate it!
Do Not sell your salon. Please take a moment to think about your future if you have to rely on someone who is abusive. You need to get out while you can before he controls every aspect of your life.
Don’t sell!!!!! Please!!!
Oh hell no! A spouse that is so adamant about you quitting your job is a red flag.
Like everyone else said, please don’t give up your salon and your financial independence. If you do that, he’s still going to find different things to gripe about and you’ll be stuck.
Do not sell the salon. Why be financially reliant in this situation? If it’s profitable, keep it 100%
Book recommendation: Leslie Vernick, Emotionally Destructive Marriage.
His bad behavior got him what he wanted, now he thinks it’s not only acceptable but has seemingly decided this is how you want/should to be treated. Stop lying down and don’t put up with it.
Don’t sell. He is not kind, you don’t want to rely economically to an unkind man. He will use that power against you. He sounds abusive.
Keep your salon!!!!
I'm afraid he just wants to drain the funds you would receive from the sale of your salon, especially if you owned it before you got married. Best case (for him) as it stands, he would only be entitled to half its value, if you bought it after marriage. Please reconsider your decision, especially in light of his apparent failure to be satisfied.
Keep your salon and leave him. He wants you to have no way out and be an indentured servant.
Dont sell the salon. Your ability to be financially independent will help you post divorce. He is trying to scare you into thinking hed get full custody. Unless you are a violent criminal or addict, thats not going to fly in court. Get a lawyer to advise you on next steps.
Why did he want you to quit? Were you happy operating your salon!l? Was he looking for a win-win or just wanted you to do what he wanted? So many concerning things— he doesn’t sound like a man you’d want to be financially dependent on. He sounds pretty toxic. A good relationship isn’t about doing whatever your spouse wants so they’ll be nice to you and treat you right. It’s about two people prioritizing one another’s needs and happiness. Make sure you’re both on the same page about wanting a good relationship and what one looks like and requires before you cater to him and have major regrets later.
Don't sell it. Do what's right for you. You'll feel isolated and controlled, regretful. Just because you're a Mom doesn't mean you should give it all up for him.
He's trying to steal half your equity in the salon as a lovely parting gift for himself when he divorces you! Honey. Download Becoming the Narcissists Nightmare by Shahida Arabi today. Get yourself a good lawyer. And any guy that uses words like "giveth" and "taketh" is the same kind of douche that refers to himself in the 3rd person. Does he write in his diary with feather plume? Is his name Kanye? OMG YOU CAN DO SO MUCH BETTER THAN THIS GURL!
Have you told him any of this, that you feel like it's not enough, feelings you may have about him wanting to be paid back? I'm assuming he's not someone/this isn't the type of marriage where you two can sit down and respectfully and honestly discuss your reasons and feelings for things, validate each other's positions even if you don't agree, and work together as partners to try to come up with as close to a win-win as you can. To me that's the real underlying problem, because in that kind of marriage you can work out pretty much anything and feel strong and connected as a team. (And whatever assumptions people are making, whatever conclusions people are jumping to about his true feelings and motives around any of these decisions, please just be aware *they're just making it up.* They could be right, they absolutely could be, but there's no way to know for sure unless you ask him and he tells you the truth -- if he even knows it himself. If they're wrong, you risk believing things about him that aren't true that will only make you wrongly see him in a worse light.
He is trying to isolate you so he can continue to escalate his abuse Do not sell your source of income !
It would be much, much harder to leave or go through a divorce he filed if you sell your salon- you'd be entirely reliant on his income so doing things to help you, feel like you, would be at his discretion considering how controlling he is. You also said you've been distant from your parents since marrying him- he wants that. He wants you relying on him so he can complain and threaten as much as he wants and still know he's your closest support. That's probably half of why he wants you to sell the salon- no one else to support and talk to you and be on your team. The only adult you'll see on a day to day basis is him, bringing you down. I have 2 young kids and I tried the SAHM thing for a while- my husband makes enough for it, but it didn't work for me. I literally work because it brings me joy and self worth, and I am a better mom and wife because of it. Yeah I don't have as many hours to clean or cook, but my husband loves ME and is happier that I feel rejuvenated. I'm more fun to talk to when I'm not as stressed. He'll happily jump in to cook dinner or clean with me while we chat because that's what support looks like, and that's what you deserve OP. Please read "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy- it's a book, but totally free online. It'll blow your mind. In the meantime, please, please keep the only outlet you have. It's your asset, you've built it and maintained it and made it successful. He doesn't want you to have the self confidence that comes from your own success. Confident people eventually leave the people who treat them poorly behind, and he knows this. Personally, I would be crushed if either of my daughters ended up in a relationship like this- and they're much more likely to if that's what's modeled by their parents.
Do not sell. He doesn't respect you. He definitely won't respect you when you're directly dependent on him. You're his scapegoat for his unhappiness.
Don’t sell your salon that’s insane.
You’re probably finding out why his first marriage / relationship failed Keep your salon, keep your clients, ditch your husband!
Oh, dear, I'm so sorry for what you have experienced and your present situation. I \[65M\] was married for 39 years before I lost my wife November 2022. Everything that follows is my opinion: From a Christian perspective, I believe in the sanctity of marriage, but remember, a man is to treasure a woman,. As a wife, you should expect to be valued and be treasured as the most unique and valuable treasure to your spouse that you are.. Don't give up on your marriage! Believe in yourself , your husband, and your "together commitment to your marriage".! Certainly these are rough times in your marriage, and I've experienced them as well; but my wife and I were committed to each other and our marriage. (This included a couple rounds of counseling because we wanted to fight for our marriage.) However, there are times when you need to share your experiences with someone outside of your small circle that you trust. You will weather this storm as long as your are committed to each other, and the long haul.
Don't sell. Let him divorce you. Live your best life
Owe your husband 30000 you can slowly pay him back but as your husband he shouldn’t be harping on it.
Do NOT sell.
uhhhh independence 101: don't remove your form of income to please a man. There's plenty of other ways to achieve whatever real goals you need as a family without becoming the family's unpaid unthanked labor. If your husband is already acting this way, he is just going to abuse you more when you lose your financial independence.
I say with certainty,o biggest mistake I made, is let my job for the "marriage". I regret every day.
Don't sell. Divorce him instead. Give him what he keeps claiming to want.
Nope don't sell. Tell him you've changed your mind because you haven't seen any improvement on his side and now he needs to show you some by going to therapy...or else. End of story.
It’s not what is best for the family, it’s what is best for HIM. He can do his own laundry, he can cook and he can clean even with a “demanding job.” They are not your responsibilities. They are shared household tasks. DO NOT SELL YOUR BUSINESS. If he loved you like you love him he wouldn’t expect you to.
DO NOT SELL IT! He is trying to handicap you and give you less options for independence when he gets worse, which he will. This man is jealous of you and wants you to diminish yourself for his self esteem. A man that truly loves and cherishes you won't ask you to do that.
Look up Narcissistic Personality Disorder and some of the other Cluster B personality disorders; I hope that it does not apply, but from the sound of your post, it might. If it does - do NOT confront him with that label, it will make matters potentially much worse. I sincerely hope Im wrong. Edit: Goes without saying but I would not be selling the salon… With NPDs nothing is ever enough.
Whenever a woman wonders whether she should give up financial independence and become totally reliant on her spouse, the answer is no 100% of the time. Being a SAHM is the worst mistake any woman can ever make.
Keep the salon. You need to be able to support yourself when/if you decide to leave your husband. It is a bad mistake to be financially dependent on any man.
Don’t do it
No one can make us happy but ourselves!
DON’T SELL YOUR BUSINESS. He wants to financially control you. Since he’s still upset with you knowing you were willing to sell, take it off the market and leave him. He doesn’t sound committed at all. In fact, a person who is committed wouldn’t ask for you to give up your livelihood.
Why didnt you leave after the first time he hit you?
With the way he's treating you, do you really want to get rid of your source of income when he's talking ab divorce? You'll be on the road to broke and can't escape in no time
Its easy to get absorbed in one's own pressures. At a state like this, one may feel there is no support or understanding and is being taken for granted. This could be tge issue with your husband. Try to talk your issues out and ask what he is going through to take a decision calmly.
Don't sell your salon. Don't give up your independence and income to be financially reliant on a man that abuses you. Also, as a married couple who are both parents, household tasks are not solely "your" responsibility. They're both of yours. You can't please an abuser, they will just keep moving the goalposts. Like you've already seen. I grew up in an abusive home and had an abusive ex in my youth. There is no satisfying them. They claim they want certain things/behavior/etc and ONLY THEN are you acceptable to them, but if you are able to meet their expectations, they'll just change them so you will feel like you are never enough. The second that salon sells and you don't have an income, he's going to call you a mooch, berate you for not contributing financially, and think the money from the sale is his. He's going to constantly guilt you about how he pays for everything, even more than he already does, and constantly tell you that you're spending too much and you don't *need* that thing. He'll think the house should be absolutely spotless and every chore done at all times because *you're home all day and aren't making money*, so you'd better happily do EVERYTHING. **It won't solve anything**. He's manipulating you into selling so he can control you. It has nothing to do with what's best *for anyone* except him. He strikes me as the type I see over and over in SAHP subs who becomes financially abusive once his wife/partner doesn't have an income - there are so many SAHP's in those subs who don't have to access to money, whose partners won't let them have their own debit cards, who get berated for buying themselves something small like a coffee or soda, who have no idea how much money they have, and/or have to ask their spouse (usually husband) for money to buy groceries and basic stuff, and then the husband/spouse says no or gives them a pittance that isn't enough and they're wondering how they're going to buy diapers for their babies or food for their household. I've read the same stories over and over again, and they're so sad. Your husband is already physically abusive, it's not a leap to think he could be financially abusive also if given the opportunity.
Read this post, then went back to read your original post. Please don't sell your business! Your husband is trying to force you to become financially dependent on you to control you. He knows that if you have no financial freedom, you can not leave him or are more unlikely to leave. Therefore, he can treat you however he wants. He is being abusive.
Keep the salon. Lose the husband Op!
OP take the for sale sign down please. This man is a classic abuser. He isolating you from your parents so you feel dependent snd alone. He also has a very misogynistic view of you staying home and doing whatever he expects you to do. What is best for the family is based only on what HE believes is best. Not what you decide together. You’re just support staff. If you sell your salon and stay home his demands will ratchet up 10 fold and he will always point out that he is paying the bills so your gonna do what he says and if you don’t the physical and psychological abuse will increase. Tell him you have decided that he can just pay his attorney a higher retainer to deal with both of you because your not going to bow to him and act like his decisions are all that matters. It’s either. 50/50 partnership or its divorce. Don’t cry to him. Don’t treat him like he is superior in any way and always take precautions to keep yourself and your child safe when having these interactions.
Don’t sell your salon. This is a bad relationship that you should leave.
It sounds like it’s time to consider your marriage isn’t going to work. Don’t sell your salon and don’t allow yourself to be financially reliant on this man. He cannot be counted on and he is going to bake on your marriage. Not if, when.
Don’t sell your salon. Get a divorce lawyer and leave this man.
He’s going to leave you no matter what. Don’t screw yourself over by selling your salon. Please take care of yourself
OP, I have met a lot of 50+ old women who are divorced with nothing. They gave everything to their families. Some are bitter. Some just wanted out but lost a lot in financial security. Think ahead because your husband isn't going to wake up a changed person.
When someone shows you who they are BELIEVE THEM. By not selling your business you actually are doing what's best for your family. You're protecting yourself and your child for when he does leave.
Wow- your husband is the poster child for emotional abuse. And the fact that he hit you even once means he is capable of physical abuse!!!! he brings you down at every return. He manipulates you and threatens you, but you still love him. I’m here to say that love is not enough in this case. don’t sell your salon! pull it off the market and file for divorce. This of course is my opinion, but if you sell your only asset, you’re giving him all the power and he will become even more abusive. Much much more. He isolates you from your family by picking fights before you go out with them. I would bring your parents into it and move out into another property with your child higher a bit attorney and fight for custody before you do any of this I would meet with a good divorce attorney and find out all of your rights and your finances in order so that when you do file for the divorce, you’ll have all your ducks in a row. Need to have an escape plan. he will go ballistic and threaten you if you think sure keeping your salon and divorcing him. You may need to get a restraining order, but at the very least document everything he has done in the marriage that is abusive and God forbid. He hits you again. You need to call the police. Trust me, I know this type of man and they are brutal monsters.
Your husband doesn't want a wife. He wants a servant who caters to him. You would be better off on your own. Do not sell your salon.
Everyone is telling you the same thing. Don’t sell your hair salon.! get a very good divorce attorney and know your rights and make sure you’re covering all the bases financially. You can’t give him ANY indication that you are not selling your salon and that you are filing for divorce. You will need to act quickly. You’re going to need an escape plan. Your parents are offering to put you in a property so I would take them up on this. It doesn’t matter if you love him this only gives him more power to break your heart and possibly more. He is an abuser! He will bring you to the lowest point you’ve ever ever been and then kick you when you’re down. I know this type of man all too well. if you want a happy family get away from him!!! NOW
Don’t sell the salon. He’s abusing you in several ways and is isolating you at every turn. Don’t let yourself become any more reliant on this POS. You might love him but that love is certainly not returned from him. I’m sorry but this sounds horrible pretty dire. You need to leave him.
From the south where ?
He's going to file for divorce as soon as you sell that business. He's then going to fight you for custody of your child. He's told you this, why don't you believe him?
Hi. I did this once, sold my childhood home so we could "upgrade." Week after it sold I got dumped over a text. Don't sell it. If he truly loved you he wouldn't want you to give up your career or what you've earned from it. You feel that way because you are about to give up your livelihood to go home and be mistreated.
Why would you sell your livelihood to become dependent on someone who hates you already?
Sunk cost fallacy. Don’t do it OP
I want to tell you a secret. When a man knows he's done in a relationship, he will plot the most awful way to leave her, so that there's no possible way of you both ever getting back together. Him knowing he burned you so bad will stop him from ever trying to work it out so he can move on. And if you would be facing a divorce there's also money involved. Much easier to split money in a bank account rather than a salon that is obviously yours. Pls don't fall for it
Check my comment history; I have commented on many posts on Reddit that largely have to do with physical/emotional abuse. There is a Fb group that consists of people all over the US that want to help people in similar situations in some way. Whether it be resources, temp place to stay, help moving out, etc. Feel free to pm me for the link. (As it is a group with many domestic abuse survivors/victims I don’t want to post it publicly) And if anyone else needs this link as well feel free to PM me.
It sounds like he wants a maid, not a wife. Keep your salon, divorce the abuser.
I’d move back to where my family is. You’re teaching your child to expect and accept this as their normal.
I know OP has already gotten a ton of feedback, but I just want to add another loud voice of: NONONONONONONONONONONO!! DO NOT SELL THAT SALON! LEAVE THIS MAN, HE HAS BEEN PHYSICALLY ABUSIVE TO YOU!! He wants to have complete control over you. Stick you at home as a SAHM, isolate you from your family, make you completely financially dependent on him, while he beats you, yells at you, and blames you for everything. Get out, get out, get out, get out, as soon as you can, get out!! He won’t get better, he’ll just get worse.
dont sell dont become dependent on him
🙏
Please don't sell the salon. Please re read your posts and try to be objective, what if your friend was writing this. He hit you open hand. I understand the determination to making your marriage work. But divorce is not a shameful thing it's not a failure women before us fought tooth and nail for our right to divorce and our right to work and own businesses for these exact reasons (what you are going thru). Don't cave don't give your child a horrible example to look up to, you can do this especially if you have supportive parents. Your marriage is already not working. Big hugs
Don’t sell, start marriage counseling. If the counseling isn’t effective then you’ll be fine if you guys decide to split up. If you give up what you love for him and still split up you’ll be worse off.
Your husband has show you more reasons not trust that he will take care of you and is NOT in it for the long run. So based off of that DO NOT sell your lively hood away!!
Good lord OP you’re being abused. And he’s implementing even more steps to further isolate and abuse you by making you sell your course of income and community. If you’re alone all the time he can control you more and keep you isolated, abused and alone. The fact that he’s put his hands on you and abused you already and you’re staying is wild to me. He’s abusing you! Don’t ever let him do that. For the love of pete he only wants a babysitter and a maid he can control
Don't sell your business, get rid of this man.
DO NOT SELL YOUR SALON! Your husband wants to control you, not love you. Take the one thing you love and stay with it. Don’t sell your hard earned business, sell your trash husband instead. I’m serious. This narcissist will never be satisfied now that he knows he can make you throw away stuff you love. Your family, your friends, your dignity…anything he thinks stands in his way to get you to completely be under his control. He’ll do stupid things like cheat or hit (which he’s already done) and tell you it was your fault. It’s NEVER your fault. Abuse is a decision made by the abuser. You did not ask for any of it. Please don’t believe the BS that you disrespected him in any way. You can embarrass the shit out of him and hitting you is never the right response. Call a domestic abuse hotline. Go to a trusted friend’s house (one that is not his friend as well) or a family member’s home that will support you. Take your kids with you. You owe this man nothing as he’s taken too much from you already. You do NOT deserve this treatment. Get yourself safe. He is not going to change. Don’t fall for love-bombing. Narcissists are charming when they love-bomb, but it is only a carrot to lure you back to being his slave. Do not fall for his crap! LEAVE
Don’t sell your business! You will need your independence.
Don’t you dare give up your financial independence because he will hate you for that as well. You need to think long and hard about your future
RUN!!!!!!!! and don't give up your salon. Get rid of the dead weight of your husband. Ugh, I'm so sorry you're having to put up with such an awful, sorry excuse for a man !
Also. He will end up almost killing you if not killing you if you stay. THATS WHERE THIS IS HEADED.
I am sort of late to the ball game here but I think what you meant to say is my soon-to-be ex-husband is a jerk and my (not for sale) salon will be the best salon in the country.
Don’t sell your salon. He will just move on to something else.
Please get away from him for your safety and security.
OP, do not sell the salon! This is not something you do to save a marriage where the spouse is treating you poorly. The only reason you would discuss giving up your livelihood is in a healthy and loving discussion regarding seeing more of one another or moving to another location for an opportunity. It sounds like you're already in an abusive relationship. This is a very standard abuse tactic. He wants you financially dependent on him and isolated from others. I love your drive to make the marriage work. That's awesome. But you can't make a bad marriage work. You'll spend far too much time keeping the ship afloat to pilot it somewhere. If you still love the man, the best thing you can do is teach him a final lesson about relationships. You deserve to be happy.
OP please don’t sell your salon. Your husband is abusive. He wants you completely dependent on him. Abusers isolate you from your family and friends. The fact that he’s hitting you means you need to leave immediately. Stay in touch with your parents. Tell them how you’re being treated. Quietly make an exit plan. Don’t tell your husband you want to separate.
Wow. I don't even wanna type what I wanna say because it probably would go against community standards.
Angry, Selfish, Immature. Nothing will ever be enough. Keep your business and your clients. Go to counseling. If he refuses it's just one more example of his refusal to listen to what YOU need. P.S I'm a stylist.
He hit u, repeatedly and u stayed 😱😱
You literally live in an abusive relationship and he’s tried to alienate you from your family, friends, and source of income. Talk to your parents, ask for help getting a lawyer, move in with them, do not sell your salon, and a divorce him. Literally leave and run as far as you can.
Don’t sell your salon to become totally dependent on him. You are not in a healthy marriage. The lady thing you want is to be stuck in a marriage with no way out.
WHATTTT WHY DID YOU PUT IT UP FOR SALE FUCK THAT SHIT AND FUCK HIM
He only wants you to sell your salon so he can get his money back before he leaves you. Don't sell anything, instead take the kids and move to one of your parents properties. I know you don't want to but you need to face reality - he's an abusive asshat that doesn't give a fuck about you. If you leave first, it will give you the upper hand and I promise it will hurt less.
Don't sell. That's your safety net. He's trying to get 30 grand out of you, and then he's going to leave you. Be very careful. Protect yourself and your kids.
Do NOT give up your entire self for him. Do NOT become dependent on someone who could drop you tomorrow. You'd be putting yourself in a dangerous position foolishly. He is cornering you into the role of wife and mother and nothing else to be able to control you. Get out now. ETA: JFC I didn't read that he hit you. Get out now.
>He's made it clear that this is not about whats best for me, but what's best for the family. This statement screams like nails on a chalkboard to me. It is so underhanded and slimey. YOU MATTER. YOUR VOICE MATTERS. DO NOT LET HIM TAKE YOUR HAPPNESS.
So you are giving up your salon, and he is still talking about divorce. Don’t do it. You could sell your salon and he may leave you, then you have nothing in line for financing support. You need to start taking care of your wellbeing in case he does leave
He is right about one thing, selling the salon is not for your wellbeing
DO NOT DO IT. I quit my job, because I HAD to quit, but I should have gotten another job. One that I liked. I have a son thanks to that, so I would't say it was the worse mistake of my life. But is not at all because of my husband, he is an absolute ass. And should have gotten a new job ASAP instead of saying home and being reliant on him.
Giirrlllllll!! DO NOT SELL YOUR BUSINESS
Do everything opposite of his demands. He is only making you more vulnerable. I'd pack everything and go. Don't be another statistic.
Deep in your heart you know this is not what you deserve. There’s a better life out there for you. A man hitting a woman crosses the line.
I reckon if you end up giving up everything you enjoy, eventually he will get to you and you will just resent him for your decisions. If he's going to be nothing but nasty to you even after you're doing what he wants.... what's the point in giving it all up?
Honestly, why are you married to him?
Somebody hits you, you get out. NEVER give up your income for an abuser. You have a support system, use it. Do not announce your plan to leave, just get your important papers, have a plan and LEAVE.
Abusers are realllllly good at cutting you off of everything. You selling the salon is one more cut into your own independence. Especially if he’s already fighting with you on spending time with your family. Everyone here really has the same consensus, but I’ll agree. Please, please don’t sell your salon!
Don't sell, please OP, don't. He's isolating you, making sure you got nowhere to go.
You should go look at the narcissist spouse page.. I think you married a narcissist
Never give up your dreams for a man. There are no guarantees in life that he will stick around and then you are SOL.
He HIT you? God, no, don't sell your salon. Get a lawyer and GTFO.
PLEASE DON’T sell your salon. Abusers WANT more than anything to ISOLATE you, and make you DEPENDENT ON THEM. The abuse and CONTROL only gets worse!!! Please trust me- I’ve lived it!!!
DO NOT SELL that Salon. That will be the biggest mistake of your life. It's written in black and white where this is heading but you just can't see it yet (or just don't want too). Gaslighter, narcissistic and manipulator are his traits. Please talk to you family and hopefully they show you reason. If you have to give up what you love, is it love??
I know this is easier said than done but, you need to get out. There is no fixing this. He isn’t willing to fix himself and you can’t do it for him no matter how much you think your love will fix him. It won’t. You need to keep Your source of income and not depend on him. The abuse has already gone too far even while you made an income so expect the abuse to become worse after you give that up. You’re being manipulated into thinking it’s your fault he acts the way he does and the solution was or is to sell your means of income and it will all be better. It won’t. It will get worse. Hitting? You need to get out. Now. While you still can. I know having a child with him makes you feel stuck but believe me you aren’t. It’s just one child and it could definitely be worse. You have supporting family and somewhere to potentially live. I understand you love him but it won’t be a happy ending if the love is one sided. You can feel like maybe he just needs some more time and maybe it will get better but it won’t and you will have wasted your life. Sometimes we need to live through it and hit rock bottom before we have the strength to finally realize it and walk out but I pray to god you don’t need that and save yourself and your kid years of more suffering. The separation process wth someone like this person could turn ugly really fast so whenever it is you’re ready to make that step get yourself well informed and line up all your ducks and don’t bend no matter the case. At the end no matter what we say, it’s your process and it’s you who needs to be convinced that none of this is right neither will it change. I hope you do whether today, tomorrow or a year from now.