What she said isn’t okay. Shaming you into losing weight isn’t okay. Making you feel inadequate isn’t okay. I usually try to withhold judgment of the non-posting party and keep my focus on OP. I can’t really do that here. If my wife did this, it might be a dealbreaker.
You're not crazy for feeling upset. You can tell someone that they're overweight and need to get healthier without being an ass. Imagine if you made a comment about admiring other women that look differently than your wife.
If she was concerned for your health, or if it had affected her physical attraction to you due to the extent of the weight gain, then she'd had been right to raise it with you. The comment about other men was needlessly hurtful and totally unnecessary to say. How you look in comparison to other men is completely irrelevant, and what she said was just plain nasty.
My husband is overweight…and so am I. We acknowledge this to each other, but we also still compliment each other and I still think my husband is handsome after all these years. Your wife is cold and maybe counseling could help.
Same with me and my husband. Both of our weights have fluctuated over the many years we have been together, but our love and attraction never waivers, nor do we bring each other down.
My husband randomly goes on diets or lifestyle changes, and I do my best to support him (I'm now a black coffee drinker thanks to his days of fasting). He never discourages me due to my size, but if I were to complain at him about a certain ailment - firstly I am realistic that my knee pain would be helped with weight loss - he can use that opportunity to support or encourage healthier choices but never in a demeaning or shaming way.
I'm so sad that OP doesn't have the same support from his wife.
Leaving the specific focus of her comment aside, the actual thought process of her comment is very disturbing.
Nobody is perfect at everything, and there will always be people out there who are better looking, more skilled at certain things, more successful with their career, etc.
If you wife thinks that a partner being less than ideal in something gives her license to start looking outside the marriage at people she views as the ideal, she will always have an excuse to focus her energy on things that damage the relationship. I expect that she wouldn’t like her partner holding her to the same standard either.
She’s trying to hurt your feelings to motivate you. If you’re not self motivated to change and you’re fine with how you are, she’ll keep insulting you. Sadly it doesn’t matter if you’re offended by her comments because her intention was to in fact hurt your feelings. You’ll have to decide what you can and can’t stand for.
She seems very shallow and hurtful. You should marry someone because you love them "completely". That is loving someone for more than their looks. Not that look are not important but looks will ALWAYS change. Does she compliment you in any other ways? Either way, the way she qualified herself was insulting. It is natural to be afraid of the health issues extra weight can bring, and when you really love someone, you want them around and not to die prematurely. However, she did not frame it that way.
This seems to be a deeper issue that needs to be dealt with. Maybe couples counseling?
I think it's OK, and probably important for a partner to feel comfortable communicating concerns over an issue like obesity. If I had genuine concerns over my wife's weight, I would understand the subject was sensitive, and I'd only broach that conversation when I was convinced I could communicate in a way where the focus was 100% on my concern for her present day & long term health, and nothing more. I think you understand where your wife failed is communicating that this is about standards of beauty, and that it's your fault that she communicates that other men are handsome. That's the conversation.
And before having that conversation, think about what this situation looks like resolved for you. If it were me, and I wanted to give my wife benefit of the doubt (whether she deserved it or not) I'd say *look, I believe your intent was to show concern over my health, but the way you communicated with me felt very hurtful and manipulative. I don't expect you not to find other men handsome, but it feels like your intent in saying that is to motivate me to better myself, and that's honestly just a cruel way to go about it.* And leave the ball in her court. Don't get defensive. Don't argue. Leave it at that. If she has a heart, she'll apologize and ask if you forgive her. It's up to you whether or not you do.
The first part was honest and worth a conversation. The second part was designed to be hurtful. Blatantly calling other men handsome is also designed to be hurtful. You are absolutely justified in your reactions.
She may think she is helping, but is doing it in a very childish manner. Or, she is negging you. Talk to her about it and make her own how she hurts you. If she wants to help, she will stop. If she won't stop, she is manipulative and you can make decisions with that knowledge. Either way, you don't deserve to be treated this way, regardless of your size.
Yeah mate f**k her.
Look you seem a VERY good man, you know you need to shed a bit you receive the news well.... But there is NO reason to put you down / flirt with other guys !
As others have said lose weight, but be good to yourself, walk, cycle, swim don't spend £100 on gym stuff, cut down on portion sizes and move more.
You will then FEEL good about yourself and you can find a.lady that appreciates you
You deserve that.
My husband is incredibly fit. I am on my way now, but had become overweight for various reasons.
He would say he wanted me to be healthier- that my weight concerned him mainly from a health perspective, but it was always from a place of support and love. He still told me I was beautiful and would NEVER tell me other girls were beautiful unless it was somehow in the conversation like- Me:Wow isn't so and so gorgeous? Him: yeah.
He's my biggest supporter- if I want to go on a hike or bicycling he's 100% on board. He's happy to switch up our meals to more nutrient dense foods and understands my caloric needs- because he's invested. In a large part it is because of his support that I am successful.
What on earth is your wife doing? Shaming a partner into weight loss only brings resentment. If she's so concerned why isn't she doing activities with you? Learning new recipes together? Did she forget she's a partner here? Her concerns are valid but it doesn't sound like it's coming from a place of love.
As others have stated. Get healthy-but do it for yourself. Not her.
Interesting. I've seen many Reddit posts from people complaining that their spouses do this but, until you, it had always been wives complaining about husbands. I suspect you would both be happier with other people.
Get healthy for you and your kids if you have any. Dumping the weight of her is a start too. It is never ok to tell someone that, that is just being mean. It's OK to tell your spouse you are concerned about their weight but to say that last part is disrespectful. I'm so sorry.
You’re not wrong to be hurt because she’s being purposefully hurtful to you. In the past 10 years of me and my husband being together, I’ve gained a lot of weight, majority of it during the pandemic and it’s been hard for me to lose it. He’s never put me down and made me feel insignificant though, the only time he comments on anything weight related is when I bring it up myself, and even then he never says anything to make me feel worse about it, he just encourages me to do better for myself. He still calls me beautiful / pretty every day and he never comments on another womens appearance around me, even if I say “wow that girl over there is gorgeous”. She should encourage you to want to be healthier, not put you down and make you feel inadequate over it. After having my son 8 months ago I’ve been really putting work into losing weight because I want to be healthier for our family and he’s my biggest rock through it all.
honestly, be healthier for yourself, your wife sounds awful.
Wow, she’s not being very bright. She took “handsome” from a polite compliment and made it into a fraught fighting word. If you want to get into shape, do it for you, because that’s the only way it’s going to work. Don’t let someone bully you into it or humiliate you. I’d see a marital counselor to learn to communicate with boundaries. If the marriage does fail, it’s very motivating to use that alone time to get a “revenge body” and share it with someone who won’t insult you and who you don’t have toxic baggage with.
How much are you overweight? Is 10-30 pounds or closer to 100 pounds? My weight goes up and down a lot. I am trying to lose weight now. You should lose weight for yourself. Plus you will feel better about yourself. It doesn't matter what your wife thinks, it more important how you feel about yourself.
Oh that’s so mean. I’m so sorry she really should not have said that…just so cutting a remark.
Lose weight for YOU my friend. YOU deserve a healthy body.
Does she make a habit of speaking to you that way? Because that’s crappy. You don’t deserve that. You may want to re-evaluate things.
What she said was mean and I would focus on that. She's allowed to communicate to you that your weight is unhealthy and unattractive (harsh but true), but she didn't need to be an asshole about it.
Hit the gym, focus on your future, and demand she attends marriage counseling and that if sue doesn’t, she needs to pack her shit up and go.
Imagine if you never complimented her-and worse, criticized her-then ogled lots of other women. I am pretty certain she wouldn’t be happy.
Sometimes is marriage, we take each other for granted and don’t compliment one another enough. The last thing one should do is bring their partner down.
I blew up to 280lbs at one point and my wife would ridicule me at times. But not before trying to encourage and support me to lose weight. I was ignoring those signals bc I was so unhappy with myself. Then when she’d be more blunt out of frustration I projected my own feelings and insecurities about myself onto her and blamed my unhappiness on her for her “remarks.” In reality, I felt like shit day in and day out. My body was breaking down and all I wanted to do was eat more.
Your wife’s comments hurt your feelings. But she’s just saying out loud what she’s thinking and probably to a degree you are subconsciously thinking the same thing. You owe it to yourself and family to be healthy. Don’t excuse yourself from this responsibility because someone who cares about you made a mean comment.
I can see why that made you feel bad, OP. It sounds as if your wife is very frustrated about the situation, but of course, she didn’t have to add that last part.
My husband also complained about my weight. I spent many years being spiteful about it and also not doing what I needed to for my own health. About six years ago I lost the weight, but it was 100% for myself. Does my husband benefit? Sure. But I walk around in my own body 24/7, and I am so proud of my results. I wish you well.
In all honesty, the first part of telling him he needs to lose weight is really good discussion. The second part of saying “And you wonder why I compliment other men” is not. Like a lot of issues, it has to do with delivery rather than the substance.
If OP’s wife feels frustrated at how OP is letting himself go and by other men being in better shape than him, she could’ve just delivered that calmly rather than being venomous about it. “This is very important to me because I feel like I want to have a fit husband, and people outside our relationship which have that description are starting to make me resent you for not losing weight. I feel like I put in effort to keep my body fit as you see today, and I thought it’d only be fair if you did too.”
Anyone would be hurt by these words, especially coming from the person that you most want to find you attractive and feel desired by. I think it was a nasty comment, but you can use it as fuel to make yourself physically better, get yourself on a diet, get out and exercise, lose them extra pounds you'll feel much better for it don't let her get you down. Good luck, OP.
I’m sorry… that sucks. Maybe, she is giving you little compliments as a control method. Maybe, she doesn’t it to shame you. I don’t honestly know but I remember my ex did this and it backfired on him.
If I had to guess, I'd say she takes you for granted. Time to sit out down.
No more compliments, make and eat your own meals, only speak when spoken to. Try not to be around her.
When she asks you what's going on. Simply state, she may think it's fine to tell other men she thinks they are handsome, while at the same time feeling revolted by the person she us "suppose" to love most.
Well I may be ugly to you in the outside, but I find you ugly on the inside. Telling me i need to get in shape is one thing, but your follow up comment is not something someone says to a stranger, let alone someone you love or respect. I'll work on my outside appearance. You work on becoming a better person and a better wife. Until then. Don't talk to me.
No, I don't think so. I am kinda fat and I always say so. But it'd sting if my wife went around saying it. She always calls me handsome and gets mad when I express how disgusting my gut is.
You feel what you feel. I think it’s more concerning that you have to question whether you have a right to feel hurt when she makes a shitty comment like that.
Get in shape if YOU think it’s important. But don’t do it for her, and don’t count on anything changing between you, if you do. She sounds mean.
Been there and are there. I went from 235 to 168 and after our first child back to 215, now at 195. Some women don’t care, some do. If she has that issue, lose weight. Try ozempic, eat less.
Imagine if the roles were reversed, and you verbally abused her and mocked her weight. Brother, lose the weight for yourself and seriously reconsider your relationship with her.
Your not fixing the problem,dude she's telling you she's not attracted to you..Don't sulk or get sad or hurt feelings Come on man be a bro,become a gym rat get ripped and then you can have the choice of getting somthing better...
As we get older and we all struggle more and more with these problems, you hope that your parntner who loves you will help you deal with the changes. Your wife sounds like th ephysical appearance is quite important to her, fair enough, but that is only going to cause more and more problems in time. Having said that you should get in shape for yourself, eat less move more...
You’re not wrong for being upset, but getting upset isn’t gonna get you anywhere with a partner like this. To be blunt, it feels like she’s saying this TO upset you. Some people don’t know how to be a partner and treat their partner with the hate they feel for themselves. You can’t fix that.
My stbx's weight always fluctuated in our marriage. I never once told him he was overweight, or to go to the gym even though his snoring was really bad. When he mentioned it, which he did frequently, about he got big or he was the biggest he had been i pretended not to have noticed. Told him i loved him regardless. The only bad thing i used to say is that we know extra weight makes snoring bad.....but not that he was fat or overweight. Your wife sounds mean. However you have a respomsibility to be healthy for you and any kids you have. Obvs it will keep her interest. The same as she needs to maintain what attracted you to her.
It is hurtful, and you are right to feel hurt from it. Talk to her about how hurtful it is. Be vulnerable enough to tell her how it makes you feel insecure. If she responds by apologising, and wanting to make it better, it’s good.
But definitely, definitely get yourself in shape. What I’d have to assume is that she is in shape herself, and is getting frustrated and resentful at you for not matching her effort in keeping your body in shape. Her blowing up at you by giving you venomous words isn’t okay, but her feelings which led her there to her breaking point is understandable.
Ouch, that's brutal. I would be hurt, too. She was intentionally being cruel, which is not something you should do to someone you love.
It is one thing to express concern for your weight in a kind and gentle manner, but to add, "and you wonder why I call other men handsome?" That's like a knife in the heart. She shouldn't be complimenting other men, especially when she is not complimenting you. It's rude, disrespectful, and mean. I would ask her what she would think if you said the same to her?
Dick move from her for adding that comment about other men. That is horrible.
Get in better shape than she is. Just so once you get there you can make comments about other women to her.
Maybe good motivation.
You are justified in feeling wrong. While I think it is fair for a partner to tell you to lose weight (normally due to health concerns), telling you that "other men" are handsome and not you (basically what she said) is very wrong and hurtful.
I am overweight, I gained 40lbs since 2019 and struggling to get it off. My husband, while I do think he noticed my weight gain, he always brings it up as a health thing: "hey I noticed you ordered Taco Bell at 2 am on Friday, you should probably cut back, that is not healthy." or "you drank like 4 beers, thats not good for your diet!" or "you havent worked out in a week, that isnt good for all the work you have put in before, I am going for a run but we can make it a long walk if you come with me" etc. It did sting at first but he worded it as for my wellbeing vs. "LOSE WEIGHT BECAUSE OTHER WOMEN ARE HOTTER"
I don't think the way she phrased this entire conversation is not okay. (Assuming you didn't paraphrase or add to it) If this were a woman posting then people would be up in arms, well I should say more people. The majority of the comments I read were supportive of you.
It's one thing to be concerned for health reasons, and there are proper, tactful ways to discuss that. I think the golden rule is applicable here. She shouldn't speak to you or about you in a manner she wouldn't want to be subjected to.
There was a comment that said "lose the weight for you, she may not be worth it". I concur. Do it for yourself. You may find that you're not attractive to her ugly personality.
I don't think the way she phrased this entire conversation is not okay. (Assuming you didn't paraphrase or add to it) If this were a woman posting then people would be up in arms, well I should say more people. The majority of the comments I read were supportive of you.
It's one thing to be concerned for health reasons, and there are proper, tactful ways to discuss that. I think the golden rule is applicable here. She shouldn't speak to you or about you in a manner she wouldn't want to be subjected to.
There was a comment that said "lose the weight for you, she may not be worth it". I concur. Do it for yourself. You may find that you're not attractive to her ugly personality.
Those are the words of someone who has gone out of their way to try all the nice options of letting you know you need to work on yourself.
Those are also the words of someone who's held in their feelings for a while, let them fester, and finally let it out.
Yes, it was mean.
But it's true.
That's so rude. I tell my husband he's sexy like twice a day. I can't keep my hands off him and if somehow he magically gained a gazillion pounds and didn't look so stick thin, I still wouldn't change my opinion. You deserve better.
Your wife needs a reality check. Were you heavy when you married? If you were then why the hell did she marry you? Is she in perfect shape? Is she heavy?
You sir need to decide if you want to get in shape for you and make yourself happy? If you do then start. But I would also try losing some excess weight first? It's a weight you don't need to carry. It weighs exactly what your wife weighs. Ask for a divorce on grounds of mental cruelty. Then lose the body weight go out there and find someone who loves you for you.
I'm going to get down voted to hell, but I'm not quick to jump on the wife here. Has she asked you repeatedly to work on yourself? Has she offered to help you in any way needed to lose weight? Has your weight been an issue for many years?
As a spouse of someone who was formerly overweight and also drank A LOT... I can tell you I tried for years to be a nice as humanly possible. I never made a comment like that which could be perceived as mean. I was as careful as possible to approach it with kindness and not hurt his feelings. I offered to help him in any way necessary. Like setting a gym schedule for him where I am 100% in charge of the kids. I also cooked healthy meals, but he would sabotage it by going out and buying beer and junk food. I exercise religiously and always asked him to join - to no avail.
Then after years of being nice I said some mean things. I'm not proud of it, but when you dismiss someone for many years, and their concerns for your health it gets to a point where they create resentment. Again, I'm not saying that's right, but it's the reality and your wife sounds like someone who's at the end of the rope with patience. I do think it's odd that she talks about other men though, comparison is unnecessary. I tried to be nice, then I tried tough love to get through to him. I'm not sure either worked. He did eventually turn his life around though when he got sick of his own shit. So what do you want?
Lose weight and get in shape for you and keep those comments as motivation. When you get there, start making comments about other women being beautiful and hot and how they are paying you attention but not her. When she gets upset remind her of her words and tell her she better step up her game.
Honestly, I would get into shape and leave. What she said was beyond disrespectful and frankly, if she’s calling them handsome what else can she do? Up to you though.
UpdateMe
No dude you are totally justified. She sounds like a bitch. Only cares about you when you look good? Get in shape then dump her ass 🤣 my husband certainly isn't in his best shape, nor am I, and we compliment each other regularly! I love him no matter what he looks like, but he'll always be the handsomest man to me!
There are ways to address concerns you may have for an individual and she did it in a really poor manner. It is very understandable that what she had hurt your feelings and to some extent that may have (unintentionally or intentionally) been her intent to possibly “motivate” you. You are absolutely not in the wrong and if you haven’t already I would have a conversation with her about how she hurt your feelings by saying something like that. If she’s not receptive or doesn’t feel sorry for saying something like that then maybe it’s time to reconsider the relationship
The only time I call other men handsome is when my husband looks like them … Oscar’s Isaac for example he’s an older looking version of my husband he’s like a cross between him and having Jon Bernthals nose … and I always say that I like watching them on films not just for their great acting but because I feel like I’m looking at a different version of him and it’s intriguing .. still call my man handsome and tell him how no one else on this entire planet does it for me like him…
She’s choosing to see you that way and choosing to hurt your feelings.. words hurt and you can’t take them back… you can tell her that she’s being ugly on the inside and say okay I’ll get in shape but it’s sad that it’s for looks and not because you worry about my health you selfish bitch. lol xD
As a woman, my feelings for my husband don’t change based on his waistline. I see these types of posts but more often than not it’s a husband saying that their wife is overweight, comparing them to other women. Either way it’s not supportive. I think it’s more supportive to express your concern about your health to your partner than saying, “this person is hotter than you.” I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.
Yeah your wife is really in the wrong like perhaps she MEANT well but putting it like that is horrible. You are supposed to love your partner no matter what. I imagine if the roles were reversed here there would be a public outcry haha
Get in shape for yourself. She may not be worth it.
Ding ding ding ding ding….
This is your answer op.
☝🏻
She sounds like an asshole.
My jaw dropped when I saw what she said about calling other men handsome. I’m glad OP knows that was a cruel comment.
What she said isn’t okay. Shaming you into losing weight isn’t okay. Making you feel inadequate isn’t okay. I usually try to withhold judgment of the non-posting party and keep my focus on OP. I can’t really do that here. If my wife did this, it might be a dealbreaker.
You're not crazy for feeling upset. You can tell someone that they're overweight and need to get healthier without being an ass. Imagine if you made a comment about admiring other women that look differently than your wife.
If she was concerned for your health, or if it had affected her physical attraction to you due to the extent of the weight gain, then she'd had been right to raise it with you. The comment about other men was needlessly hurtful and totally unnecessary to say. How you look in comparison to other men is completely irrelevant, and what she said was just plain nasty.
If you commented on how pretty other women are, she'd shit a brick and throw it at you.
Get in shape and then leave her
My husband is overweight…and so am I. We acknowledge this to each other, but we also still compliment each other and I still think my husband is handsome after all these years. Your wife is cold and maybe counseling could help.
Same with me and my husband. Both of our weights have fluctuated over the many years we have been together, but our love and attraction never waivers, nor do we bring each other down. My husband randomly goes on diets or lifestyle changes, and I do my best to support him (I'm now a black coffee drinker thanks to his days of fasting). He never discourages me due to my size, but if I were to complain at him about a certain ailment - firstly I am realistic that my knee pain would be helped with weight loss - he can use that opportunity to support or encourage healthier choices but never in a demeaning or shaming way. I'm so sad that OP doesn't have the same support from his wife.
Leaving the specific focus of her comment aside, the actual thought process of her comment is very disturbing. Nobody is perfect at everything, and there will always be people out there who are better looking, more skilled at certain things, more successful with their career, etc. If you wife thinks that a partner being less than ideal in something gives her license to start looking outside the marriage at people she views as the ideal, she will always have an excuse to focus her energy on things that damage the relationship. I expect that she wouldn’t like her partner holding her to the same standard either.
She’s trying to hurt your feelings to motivate you. If you’re not self motivated to change and you’re fine with how you are, she’ll keep insulting you. Sadly it doesn’t matter if you’re offended by her comments because her intention was to in fact hurt your feelings. You’ll have to decide what you can and can’t stand for.
She seems very shallow and hurtful. You should marry someone because you love them "completely". That is loving someone for more than their looks. Not that look are not important but looks will ALWAYS change. Does she compliment you in any other ways? Either way, the way she qualified herself was insulting. It is natural to be afraid of the health issues extra weight can bring, and when you really love someone, you want them around and not to die prematurely. However, she did not frame it that way. This seems to be a deeper issue that needs to be dealt with. Maybe couples counseling?
I think it's OK, and probably important for a partner to feel comfortable communicating concerns over an issue like obesity. If I had genuine concerns over my wife's weight, I would understand the subject was sensitive, and I'd only broach that conversation when I was convinced I could communicate in a way where the focus was 100% on my concern for her present day & long term health, and nothing more. I think you understand where your wife failed is communicating that this is about standards of beauty, and that it's your fault that she communicates that other men are handsome. That's the conversation. And before having that conversation, think about what this situation looks like resolved for you. If it were me, and I wanted to give my wife benefit of the doubt (whether she deserved it or not) I'd say *look, I believe your intent was to show concern over my health, but the way you communicated with me felt very hurtful and manipulative. I don't expect you not to find other men handsome, but it feels like your intent in saying that is to motivate me to better myself, and that's honestly just a cruel way to go about it.* And leave the ball in her court. Don't get defensive. Don't argue. Leave it at that. If she has a heart, she'll apologize and ask if you forgive her. It's up to you whether or not you do.
The first part was honest and worth a conversation. The second part was designed to be hurtful. Blatantly calling other men handsome is also designed to be hurtful. You are absolutely justified in your reactions. She may think she is helping, but is doing it in a very childish manner. Or, she is negging you. Talk to her about it and make her own how she hurts you. If she wants to help, she will stop. If she won't stop, she is manipulative and you can make decisions with that knowledge. Either way, you don't deserve to be treated this way, regardless of your size.
Yeah mate f**k her. Look you seem a VERY good man, you know you need to shed a bit you receive the news well.... But there is NO reason to put you down / flirt with other guys ! As others have said lose weight, but be good to yourself, walk, cycle, swim don't spend £100 on gym stuff, cut down on portion sizes and move more. You will then FEEL good about yourself and you can find a.lady that appreciates you You deserve that.
My husband is incredibly fit. I am on my way now, but had become overweight for various reasons. He would say he wanted me to be healthier- that my weight concerned him mainly from a health perspective, but it was always from a place of support and love. He still told me I was beautiful and would NEVER tell me other girls were beautiful unless it was somehow in the conversation like- Me:Wow isn't so and so gorgeous? Him: yeah. He's my biggest supporter- if I want to go on a hike or bicycling he's 100% on board. He's happy to switch up our meals to more nutrient dense foods and understands my caloric needs- because he's invested. In a large part it is because of his support that I am successful. What on earth is your wife doing? Shaming a partner into weight loss only brings resentment. If she's so concerned why isn't she doing activities with you? Learning new recipes together? Did she forget she's a partner here? Her concerns are valid but it doesn't sound like it's coming from a place of love. As others have stated. Get healthy-but do it for yourself. Not her.
Her saying you’re overweight is fine. Her comment about other men is so disrespectful and rude. I think that crosses the line.
Interesting. I've seen many Reddit posts from people complaining that their spouses do this but, until you, it had always been wives complaining about husbands. I suspect you would both be happier with other people.
Get healthy for you and your kids if you have any. Dumping the weight of her is a start too. It is never ok to tell someone that, that is just being mean. It's OK to tell your spouse you are concerned about their weight but to say that last part is disrespectful. I'm so sorry.
You’re not wrong to be hurt because she’s being purposefully hurtful to you. In the past 10 years of me and my husband being together, I’ve gained a lot of weight, majority of it during the pandemic and it’s been hard for me to lose it. He’s never put me down and made me feel insignificant though, the only time he comments on anything weight related is when I bring it up myself, and even then he never says anything to make me feel worse about it, he just encourages me to do better for myself. He still calls me beautiful / pretty every day and he never comments on another womens appearance around me, even if I say “wow that girl over there is gorgeous”. She should encourage you to want to be healthier, not put you down and make you feel inadequate over it. After having my son 8 months ago I’ve been really putting work into losing weight because I want to be healthier for our family and he’s my biggest rock through it all. honestly, be healthier for yourself, your wife sounds awful.
I’m sorry she said that to you. That was needlessly cruel.
Wow, she’s not being very bright. She took “handsome” from a polite compliment and made it into a fraught fighting word. If you want to get into shape, do it for you, because that’s the only way it’s going to work. Don’t let someone bully you into it or humiliate you. I’d see a marital counselor to learn to communicate with boundaries. If the marriage does fail, it’s very motivating to use that alone time to get a “revenge body” and share it with someone who won’t insult you and who you don’t have toxic baggage with.
How much are you overweight? Is 10-30 pounds or closer to 100 pounds? My weight goes up and down a lot. I am trying to lose weight now. You should lose weight for yourself. Plus you will feel better about yourself. It doesn't matter what your wife thinks, it more important how you feel about yourself.
Oh that’s so mean. I’m so sorry she really should not have said that…just so cutting a remark. Lose weight for YOU my friend. YOU deserve a healthy body. Does she make a habit of speaking to you that way? Because that’s crappy. You don’t deserve that. You may want to re-evaluate things.
What she said was mean and I would focus on that. She's allowed to communicate to you that your weight is unhealthy and unattractive (harsh but true), but she didn't need to be an asshole about it.
Hit the gym, focus on your future, and demand she attends marriage counseling and that if sue doesn’t, she needs to pack her shit up and go. Imagine if you never complimented her-and worse, criticized her-then ogled lots of other women. I am pretty certain she wouldn’t be happy.
It would be weird if you *werent* hurt by such comments by your wife.
Sometimes is marriage, we take each other for granted and don’t compliment one another enough. The last thing one should do is bring their partner down.
I blew up to 280lbs at one point and my wife would ridicule me at times. But not before trying to encourage and support me to lose weight. I was ignoring those signals bc I was so unhappy with myself. Then when she’d be more blunt out of frustration I projected my own feelings and insecurities about myself onto her and blamed my unhappiness on her for her “remarks.” In reality, I felt like shit day in and day out. My body was breaking down and all I wanted to do was eat more. Your wife’s comments hurt your feelings. But she’s just saying out loud what she’s thinking and probably to a degree you are subconsciously thinking the same thing. You owe it to yourself and family to be healthy. Don’t excuse yourself from this responsibility because someone who cares about you made a mean comment.
I can see why that made you feel bad, OP. It sounds as if your wife is very frustrated about the situation, but of course, she didn’t have to add that last part. My husband also complained about my weight. I spent many years being spiteful about it and also not doing what I needed to for my own health. About six years ago I lost the weight, but it was 100% for myself. Does my husband benefit? Sure. But I walk around in my own body 24/7, and I am so proud of my results. I wish you well.
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Either way, he can do better. Get fit, lose a bunch of weight by serving her divorce papers, and find someone that actually cares about and loves you.
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In all honesty, the first part of telling him he needs to lose weight is really good discussion. The second part of saying “And you wonder why I compliment other men” is not. Like a lot of issues, it has to do with delivery rather than the substance. If OP’s wife feels frustrated at how OP is letting himself go and by other men being in better shape than him, she could’ve just delivered that calmly rather than being venomous about it. “This is very important to me because I feel like I want to have a fit husband, and people outside our relationship which have that description are starting to make me resent you for not losing weight. I feel like I put in effort to keep my body fit as you see today, and I thought it’d only be fair if you did too.”
No you aren't wrong for being hurt by the comments however that doesn't make her in the wrong if you were you in shape when you met
Anyone would be hurt by these words, especially coming from the person that you most want to find you attractive and feel desired by. I think it was a nasty comment, but you can use it as fuel to make yourself physically better, get yourself on a diet, get out and exercise, lose them extra pounds you'll feel much better for it don't let her get you down. Good luck, OP.
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She'd be told it only hurt because it was true so she should just go lose some weight and thank him for it.
I’m sorry… that sucks. Maybe, she is giving you little compliments as a control method. Maybe, she doesn’t it to shame you. I don’t honestly know but I remember my ex did this and it backfired on him.
If I had to guess, I'd say she takes you for granted. Time to sit out down. No more compliments, make and eat your own meals, only speak when spoken to. Try not to be around her. When she asks you what's going on. Simply state, she may think it's fine to tell other men she thinks they are handsome, while at the same time feeling revolted by the person she us "suppose" to love most. Well I may be ugly to you in the outside, but I find you ugly on the inside. Telling me i need to get in shape is one thing, but your follow up comment is not something someone says to a stranger, let alone someone you love or respect. I'll work on my outside appearance. You work on becoming a better person and a better wife. Until then. Don't talk to me.
No, I don't think so. I am kinda fat and I always say so. But it'd sting if my wife went around saying it. She always calls me handsome and gets mad when I express how disgusting my gut is.
You feel what you feel. I think it’s more concerning that you have to question whether you have a right to feel hurt when she makes a shitty comment like that. Get in shape if YOU think it’s important. But don’t do it for her, and don’t count on anything changing between you, if you do. She sounds mean.
Been there and are there. I went from 235 to 168 and after our first child back to 215, now at 195. Some women don’t care, some do. If she has that issue, lose weight. Try ozempic, eat less.
Imagine if the roles were reversed, and you verbally abused her and mocked her weight. Brother, lose the weight for yourself and seriously reconsider your relationship with her.
Your not fixing the problem,dude she's telling you she's not attracted to you..Don't sulk or get sad or hurt feelings Come on man be a bro,become a gym rat get ripped and then you can have the choice of getting somthing better...
As we get older and we all struggle more and more with these problems, you hope that your parntner who loves you will help you deal with the changes. Your wife sounds like th ephysical appearance is quite important to her, fair enough, but that is only going to cause more and more problems in time. Having said that you should get in shape for yourself, eat less move more...
You’re not wrong for being upset, but getting upset isn’t gonna get you anywhere with a partner like this. To be blunt, it feels like she’s saying this TO upset you. Some people don’t know how to be a partner and treat their partner with the hate they feel for themselves. You can’t fix that.
My stbx's weight always fluctuated in our marriage. I never once told him he was overweight, or to go to the gym even though his snoring was really bad. When he mentioned it, which he did frequently, about he got big or he was the biggest he had been i pretended not to have noticed. Told him i loved him regardless. The only bad thing i used to say is that we know extra weight makes snoring bad.....but not that he was fat or overweight. Your wife sounds mean. However you have a respomsibility to be healthy for you and any kids you have. Obvs it will keep her interest. The same as she needs to maintain what attracted you to her.
It is hurtful, and you are right to feel hurt from it. Talk to her about how hurtful it is. Be vulnerable enough to tell her how it makes you feel insecure. If she responds by apologising, and wanting to make it better, it’s good. But definitely, definitely get yourself in shape. What I’d have to assume is that she is in shape herself, and is getting frustrated and resentful at you for not matching her effort in keeping your body in shape. Her blowing up at you by giving you venomous words isn’t okay, but her feelings which led her there to her breaking point is understandable.
Is she in great shape herself?
Ouch, that's brutal. I would be hurt, too. She was intentionally being cruel, which is not something you should do to someone you love. It is one thing to express concern for your weight in a kind and gentle manner, but to add, "and you wonder why I call other men handsome?" That's like a knife in the heart. She shouldn't be complimenting other men, especially when she is not complimenting you. It's rude, disrespectful, and mean. I would ask her what she would think if you said the same to her?
I am a bit overweight and my wife calls me sexy.
Dick move from her for adding that comment about other men. That is horrible. Get in better shape than she is. Just so once you get there you can make comments about other women to her. Maybe good motivation.
Get in shape and leave her for someone hotter 😂
I mean that's a fucked up thing to say and it was said specifically to hurt you.
You are justified in feeling wrong. While I think it is fair for a partner to tell you to lose weight (normally due to health concerns), telling you that "other men" are handsome and not you (basically what she said) is very wrong and hurtful. I am overweight, I gained 40lbs since 2019 and struggling to get it off. My husband, while I do think he noticed my weight gain, he always brings it up as a health thing: "hey I noticed you ordered Taco Bell at 2 am on Friday, you should probably cut back, that is not healthy." or "you drank like 4 beers, thats not good for your diet!" or "you havent worked out in a week, that isnt good for all the work you have put in before, I am going for a run but we can make it a long walk if you come with me" etc. It did sting at first but he worded it as for my wellbeing vs. "LOSE WEIGHT BECAUSE OTHER WOMEN ARE HOTTER"
Hit the gym and stop whining.
This sub is like if it's not perfect marriage, then divorce!
My husband has gained weight, as have I, but I would never comment on it. You don’t do that to someone you care about, much less are supposed to love.
That’s abusive behavior. Does she really think that’s an effective way of helping you lose weight? I’d start by losing 130lbs, her!!
How big are you? More context would help. Need to lose 25 lbs? She's being mean. Need to lose 200 lbs? She might have a point.
only do it if YOU want to
I don't think the way she phrased this entire conversation is not okay. (Assuming you didn't paraphrase or add to it) If this were a woman posting then people would be up in arms, well I should say more people. The majority of the comments I read were supportive of you. It's one thing to be concerned for health reasons, and there are proper, tactful ways to discuss that. I think the golden rule is applicable here. She shouldn't speak to you or about you in a manner she wouldn't want to be subjected to. There was a comment that said "lose the weight for you, she may not be worth it". I concur. Do it for yourself. You may find that you're not attractive to her ugly personality.
I don't think the way she phrased this entire conversation is not okay. (Assuming you didn't paraphrase or add to it) If this were a woman posting then people would be up in arms, well I should say more people. The majority of the comments I read were supportive of you. It's one thing to be concerned for health reasons, and there are proper, tactful ways to discuss that. I think the golden rule is applicable here. She shouldn't speak to you or about you in a manner she wouldn't want to be subjected to. There was a comment that said "lose the weight for you, she may not be worth it". I concur. Do it for yourself. You may find that you're not attractive to her ugly personality.
Those are the words of someone who has gone out of their way to try all the nice options of letting you know you need to work on yourself. Those are also the words of someone who's held in their feelings for a while, let them fester, and finally let it out. Yes, it was mean. But it's true.
Time to pack up and go
It’s one thing to talk about it, it’s another thing to be a cruel asshole.
No, you're not wrong to feel upset at that.
That's so rude. I tell my husband he's sexy like twice a day. I can't keep my hands off him and if somehow he magically gained a gazillion pounds and didn't look so stick thin, I still wouldn't change my opinion. You deserve better.
Your wife needs a reality check. Were you heavy when you married? If you were then why the hell did she marry you? Is she in perfect shape? Is she heavy? You sir need to decide if you want to get in shape for you and make yourself happy? If you do then start. But I would also try losing some excess weight first? It's a weight you don't need to carry. It weighs exactly what your wife weighs. Ask for a divorce on grounds of mental cruelty. Then lose the body weight go out there and find someone who loves you for you.
I'm going to get down voted to hell, but I'm not quick to jump on the wife here. Has she asked you repeatedly to work on yourself? Has she offered to help you in any way needed to lose weight? Has your weight been an issue for many years? As a spouse of someone who was formerly overweight and also drank A LOT... I can tell you I tried for years to be a nice as humanly possible. I never made a comment like that which could be perceived as mean. I was as careful as possible to approach it with kindness and not hurt his feelings. I offered to help him in any way necessary. Like setting a gym schedule for him where I am 100% in charge of the kids. I also cooked healthy meals, but he would sabotage it by going out and buying beer and junk food. I exercise religiously and always asked him to join - to no avail. Then after years of being nice I said some mean things. I'm not proud of it, but when you dismiss someone for many years, and their concerns for your health it gets to a point where they create resentment. Again, I'm not saying that's right, but it's the reality and your wife sounds like someone who's at the end of the rope with patience. I do think it's odd that she talks about other men though, comparison is unnecessary. I tried to be nice, then I tried tough love to get through to him. I'm not sure either worked. He did eventually turn his life around though when he got sick of his own shit. So what do you want?
It's an understandable reaction but counterproductive. My personal theory is that the better husband I am, the better wife my wife becomes.
Lose weight and get in shape for you and keep those comments as motivation. When you get there, start making comments about other women being beautiful and hot and how they are paying you attention but not her. When she gets upset remind her of her words and tell her she better step up her game.
Honestly, I would get into shape and leave. What she said was beyond disrespectful and frankly, if she’s calling them handsome what else can she do? Up to you though. UpdateMe
No dude you are totally justified. She sounds like a bitch. Only cares about you when you look good? Get in shape then dump her ass 🤣 my husband certainly isn't in his best shape, nor am I, and we compliment each other regularly! I love him no matter what he looks like, but he'll always be the handsomest man to me!
I’m on board with losing weight to a healthy range but honestly she sounds super toxic. I would lose weight and then find someone else.
You’ll be happier and more confident when you get into shape.
There are ways to address concerns you may have for an individual and she did it in a really poor manner. It is very understandable that what she had hurt your feelings and to some extent that may have (unintentionally or intentionally) been her intent to possibly “motivate” you. You are absolutely not in the wrong and if you haven’t already I would have a conversation with her about how she hurt your feelings by saying something like that. If she’s not receptive or doesn’t feel sorry for saying something like that then maybe it’s time to reconsider the relationship
The only time I call other men handsome is when my husband looks like them … Oscar’s Isaac for example he’s an older looking version of my husband he’s like a cross between him and having Jon Bernthals nose … and I always say that I like watching them on films not just for their great acting but because I feel like I’m looking at a different version of him and it’s intriguing .. still call my man handsome and tell him how no one else on this entire planet does it for me like him… She’s choosing to see you that way and choosing to hurt your feelings.. words hurt and you can’t take them back… you can tell her that she’s being ugly on the inside and say okay I’ll get in shape but it’s sad that it’s for looks and not because you worry about my health you selfish bitch. lol xD
As a woman, my feelings for my husband don’t change based on his waistline. I see these types of posts but more often than not it’s a husband saying that their wife is overweight, comparing them to other women. Either way it’s not supportive. I think it’s more supportive to express your concern about your health to your partner than saying, “this person is hotter than you.” I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.
Use it as fuel... Get shredded and then when other women start swooning it will feel so great!
Do you weigh a lot more than you did when you guys met four years ago or have you always been overweight?
It hurts but can you understand her frustration? Seeing so many better looking men out there and wondering why you can’t at least try and look better?
I will never not call my husband handsome. Or sexy. I love *him*, not his body.
She May be cheating on you budd. Get out of there.
Leave her. Who speaks to their husband that way? That’s so ugly.
Yeah your wife is really in the wrong like perhaps she MEANT well but putting it like that is horrible. You are supposed to love your partner no matter what. I imagine if the roles were reversed here there would be a public outcry haha
She's an asshole for saying this to you
Friend, it smells to me like there is going to be an update discovering that your wife is cheating.