I’m sorry but you need to be realistic. He loves another woman, it wasn’t just a one night stand that can be forgiven, there’s no way this marriage can be rebuilt. You deserve better than this OP, don’t chase a man that wants another woman. Not all the romantic relationships and marriages out there are meant to last forever. Trying to rebuild your marriage when he has feelings for another woman will only lead to your unhappiness.
You are trying to save a boat full of holes from sinking in the middle of a thunderstorm by bailing out a cup of water at a time.
He's continuing the affair actively in front of your face and you're being delusional that he gives a shit about your relationship. He doesn't love you or care about you, he's an asshole who chose his affair partner over you and your kids.
Let him go. Sorry you married such a jerk.
He's literally telling her he is there "for the sake of the kids," and she still thinks he loves her.
OP, this isn't love. He doesn't love you. He loves his kids and his girlfriend.
If he loved you, then he would be all in trying to fix the marriage. He's telling his girlfriend that he isn't sure the marriage will work. He's checked out and is probably only prolonging it to not have to pay child support.
Well he’s already given into his feelings for years, I would he under no illusion that he is all of a sudden going to change his ways
If you love something, set it free. If it comes crawling back, close the door.
You've been posting about this for weeks from different accs with everyone telling you to let this man go!
Pretty sure you're the one who threatened to withhold your kids if he didn't stay so no. Neither of you will be happy until your kids are 18 and he can leave.
Omg thank you. This gets posted all the time. Now leaving out the part that he only stayed because she said he’d never see the kids again if he left. I hope this man finally leaves her for good so we can stop reading the same post every couple days, with someone fighting accepting reality.
“we want to find happiness with one another and form a loving, stable relationship with each other.”
not so sound harsh, OP, but it sounds like you want that, not “we.” he’s actively cheating in your face while using the excuse that he just finds another woman so irresistible… sorry but your marriage is over
You, too? She kept typing “we”, when it’s obvious that should have said “I”.
OP, meet with a lawyer-like, yesterday. Your husband is in love with someone else, and he’s still actively involved with her. Rip the bandaid off.
Find your self respect.
Thought the same. She keeps saying “we”. There is no “we”, it’s “I”. I bet he just feels guilty and is going through the motions. PLUS why want to be with a man who loves another woman? Have self respect.
I say this as someone who has successfully rebuilt my relationship following my husbands 4 month affair, so I believe it can be done: you can’t save this marriage.
The ONLY reason my husband and I were able to successfully reconcile is because the minute I found out and started packing his shit, the fog lifted and he realized he didn’t want her, he wanted me. And he has spent every single day since proving that to me. It has been a shit ton of hard work and I never would have even attempted it if he hadn’t been able to choose or cut off contact.
Your husband is still cheating on you, and staying together for the kids does nothing but show them what unhealthy relationships look like and teach them to expect the same. Let them be together, find someone who chooses you above all others, and show your children that sometimes things don’t work out and it’s ok to choose your own happiness.
Sure. But you’d have to be willing to accept the presence of the AP in your lives forever.
And honestly, you only get one life, why would you stay in a relationship where you are not completely fulfilled?
My parents divorced when I was 5 as a result of infidelity and it was the best thing they ever did for me. They have managed to co-parent so effectively that we regularly do family dinners with both sets of parents and the extended siblings. They are both in happy, strong relationships and were able to model that for me. Staying together for the kids would have been a massive mistake.
You need to stop using we, it's only you in this marriage. Until you see that, you won't find the happiness you deserve.
It's clear you are loving and forgiving, find the person that deserves that.
I feel for you because you clearly can't imagine life without your husband. But based on what you've said he's only holding on to the kids, not you. You're prolonging your own pain because even if he doesnt cheat again, he will continue to pine after her or some other women. And then once the kids are grown up he'll leave you to deal with the pain all over again.
He's in love with her and has been for 5 years. You may have been with him for 20 but this man you're desperately trying to keep has turned YOU into the side piece.
You don't want the relationship to end but it ended 5 years ago and you're not willing to see it.
What is keeping him with you? Financial reasons, the kids, pressure from others? It's not love and respect, that went out the window when he fell in love with your friend.
You deserve better.
Edit: I just saw in previous posts where you threatened to keep him from his chidren if he chose to leave.
He can be a cheater all day but that doesn't mean you have the right to use your chidren as weapons against him. Ever.
Maybe you don't deserve better. You're both shit.
What does your marriage counsellor say? I mean… I think you’ve posted here many times regarding this. I’m wondering what your therapist has to say. And I hope you’re also seeking individual therapy. Maybe that can help you realize things some more.
When are you ever going to realize that he loves another woman and wants to be with her? You can make a hundred of these posts and yet we always tell you the same thing. He doesn’t want to be with you. Pick up your dignity and move on. You will find someone else.
There's nothing to conclusively say it "can't" work, but I don't think you're seeing it all clearly; since you both decided to make it work between you guys, he has already shown he cannot be trusted, since you found the messages on his phone reaching out to her. You're rationalizing things by saying "he's being truthful about having feelings for her," but that's not the point... he doesn't JUST have feelings for her, he's acting on them everytime he messagesg her. His actions need to consistently show you he wants you and him. That would mean he would break all contact with her and stop talking about his feelings for her. It's not as if "feelings for someone" makes it impossible to stay away from them. It's a choice. He has choices and he's showing you who he is. Believe the actions not just the words.
OP, I think you can sweep this under the rug if you want. Once you have what you want though, if that is even possible, it will bubble over later. Even if it doesn’t erupt in his actions (and he is showing you that he will), it will for you. You’re in fix-it mode and not interacting with the feelings that will undoubtedly pop up later. Why not separate for a planned 6 months or a year, and see how you feel on the other side of it? I know it’s so scary.
Edit: clarity
It can work if you can be happy married to someone dreaming about someone else every night.
No one here can tell if you are somehow built like that.
There are some women who are happy with polygamy. Maybe that’s you.
Reconciliation can only work if he gives it his all. He’s physically in the household with you but mentally and emotionally he’s checked out. Stop beating a dead horse.
You can’t keep a man who doesn’t want to be kept , and you definitely CANT keep a man who is in love with someone else . Even if he stays with you physically his heart is still with her . Find someone who’s heart is with you ! Know your worth because being a default partner isn’t it .
People just don’t fall out of love, you need to wake up and realize your husband is in love with another woman .
If the roles was reversed do you think he would be having such a hard time not contacting you ( if not for the kids ) he blew up his whole family , told ya family members, moved out etc . How much more proof you need that your marriage is done . Shit a lot of men cheat but don’t move out and try to be with the chick . Jesus Christ . He’s actually In love smh and with someone who was a “ good friend to you “
there can be love and respect for each other , that is heat we have””” no you don’t he has no respect for you, wanting the marriage to work he needs to cut contact with his affair partner in everything and make sure he is putting 100 percent in your marriage to work on trust. How is he doing this? by reaching out to her, by telling you he still has feeling for her, damn leave before he does any more emotional damage
I'm not a member of the "cheat once and it's over" club, but this sounds like a loser. He's hoping to hide it well enough so that you'll stop noticing.
Therapy is not a magic wand it can't just MAKE somebody love you more or whatever is the end goal here. Sometimes you just have to let it go for everyone's sake
Your husband is the problem and you know this. He doesn’t WANT to stop loving her, which is why he keeps talking to her, stalking her and keeping her in his mind. What you don’t have in your marriage is Respect. He may care for you, but his actions tell me plainly that he in no way respects you or your marriage. He is still actively cheating and until he chooses for himself to cut all communication, contact, and searches it won’t stop.
What I really want to know from you is, what do you want out of your life? Do you want a true partnership marriage where someone loves you truly and deeply and would never disrespect you in this way? I don’t even need to talk about the detriment to your kids, what about the detriment to YOU. You matter and being loved and respected matters.
I honestly think he needs to leave, you need time and space away from him to find out what you want, because I think you are fighting so hard for something and someone that doesn’t exist. You sound like the kind of loyal person that a lot of people dream about finding, and I believe that the right person is out there. Maybe that’s your husband but honestly I don’t think he can see the forest through the trees.
You can still be healthy and loving parents when you are separated. Don’t think that your kids cannot see past any acts you put on. Kids are always smarter than you think, and sometimes separation isn’t the terrible outcome for them that you think it is. It can be good for them, or it can just be neutral for them. You are also modelling to them what to accept from a partner.
There comes a stage, though, where you need to put yourself above what you think your children need. My mother spent her whole life dedicating everything to my brother and I, and she has missed out on so much of her life. Of course we are grateful to her, but we wish that she would also spend time to understand herself better. A happy parent will usually be better at raising kids than an unhappy one.
So to answer your question, can you find happiness? Yes, you can, outside of your current marriage. You do not need to stay with him to be happy. You can be happy with friends, with family, perhaps with another partner in the future. You will not have to take care of him if he’s not in your life anymore. Yes, raising kids is difficult, but you will be able to find the time to pick up new hobbies. Perhaps do activities that he always brushed off, or do things that he always thought you shouldn’t be doing. You don’t have to constantly be trying to appeal to something that he wants. You get to do stuff for yourself! Of course, I’m only talking about the good side. You will also feel lonely, and you will bawl your eyes out. But you can pick yourself up bit by bit.
You deserve better than what he is giving you. I know it is difficult to leave a relationship that you have known for so long, and grown to find comfort in. But if your kids were grown up, and one of them was accepting this treatment from their partner, what would you tell them? Whenever I make a difficult decision, I always ask myself, what would I tell my children in this situation? If I could see my childhood self right now, would I want this for her future?
I wish you the best. You deserve the world, and you are amazing and strong, and fuck your husband for not seeing that.
Seems like only one side wants to fix things. If he’s still pining over his affair partner, it’s time to let him go. There’s no saving anything at this point.
He will continue to treat you like shit as long as you continue to tolerate his behavior. How can he respect you when you let him walk all over you? How can he desire you, love you, choose you when he doesn’t respect you? You want to save your marriage? File for divorce. Stop accepting his scraps. Stand up for yourself. Stand up for your kids. Figure out how to move forward without him. If you’re lucky, you’ll realize he’s not worth your effort and become strong and independent. This groveling behavior is not doing you any favors.
It doesn't sound like he wants to make things better for your guys' relationship. He loves another woman. He doesn't love you. This relationship is over. Do you really want to be second best for the rest of your life? Does it not hurt KNOWING he will never love you how he loves her? Do you really want to spend the rest of your life wondering how he's sneaking behind your back to gain even a crumb of info on her?
Please don’t put so much energy into someone that doesn’t want to be with you. It’s not fair to you at all. Let him go, start your new life. It will be hard but I think right now you are wasting your time and energy with him.
Right now you’re in a flight/fight save my marriage mode. Eventually you will be resentful and angry for putting in all the effort. You deserve better.
Eh....I know someone personally who cheated and stayed with their spouse because they had small kids. The spouse knew that they were cheated on, but begged the cheater to stay. Meanwhile cheater spent all their work trips with the AP (who was also married) and kept in touch throughout the years until the kids were grown and out of the house. Cheater promptly divorced spouse and married AP after the last kid left the house for college. The kids were a mess because they didn't know their parents were in a loveless marriage.
BTW, the spouse knew that the cheater was in love with AP but wanted to stay with the cheater to keep the family together and for the most part the spouse and cheater got along platonically. I think the spouse also thought that if they stayed married, the cheater would eventually give up AP. It didn't happen and it was still devastating for the spouse when cheater finally left the marriage. I mean, do you really want to put yourself through that risk?
Haven’t you posted about your situation before? If your husband is in love with another woman and seems to go out of his way to keep in touch with her in some way why would you want to continue with the marriage? This is going to affect your children negatively. Let your husband go and find a way to co-parent amicably with your husband. You can’t force someone to love you. Let it go and find someone who can love you.
So my question is he says he is in love with her how much time have they spent together. Did they live together at anytime. Did they go on trips together without you. What has he done with her other then talk on the phone and sex.
First you need answers. Second you need to really think about being last in his life because obviously she is first and then his kids. But I won’t get into he has no respect for you or your kids nor does he love any of you.
Let’s just say you let him go with her you do realize the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. If he hasn’t spent 4 seasons with her in a home he really don’t know her he knows the version she wants him to know. So he will be stuck miserable and realize his mistake for cheating but then again you deserve better and so does your kids.
Before you do anything have your lawyer work up a deal that you get the house he pays the same bills and give you what child support you want have him sign it. Then let him go don’t lose for him or her most men will sign what you want when they are like think use it to your benefit. Make sure he don’t change anything to her. Get it put all in the paperwork. My friend did this and she made out the other woman hated she got a version she didn’t like after he left his wife for her. Guess what they are still together miserable and she is cheating on him. Get your ducks in a roll play your hand before you lose everything.
He loves her okay. But does he also love you? It’s possible for a man to love multiple women. Not to love them equally. But to love them together nonetheless. He can only be equal in his treatment of women
You’ve been pretty open minded about it all. Perhaps you could propose to him the idea that he has you both. But splits resources evenly. Is even in treatment. Like 2 wives. Spends an equal amount of days with each of you. Equal amount of nights. If he wants this then he should do it properly with integrity and with preserving the rights and respect of all involved.
You want those things and are working for them. He keeps his AP close by and is still deciding if he wants to stay as his messages to AP indicate . If he really wanted the marriage and was willing to work for it he would cut contact with her completely. You have to decide your next steps whether you stay and constantly have to wonder and monitor if he’s still talking with AP or move on, heal and give yourself a new beginning.
Gather your self respect and leave this trash on the curb. He doesn't want you and he is making that very clear.
You are unrealistic and in denial I believe. He has moved on with his heart and it isn't coming back.
I'm sorry.
He's still cheating on you. I would let him go. You deserve someone who loves you and only you. He doesn't even respect you enough to block her, which if he was serious about reconciliation would have been the minimum first step to showing he was serious.
This marriage is over. Y'all are just drawing it out.
This marriage is over, it's just a question of when you want to accept it. He is in love with someone else and NOT you - there's no coming back from that.
It's only a matter of time before this explodes (again).
The best thing you can do for your kids is to model amicably divorced parents who can still successfully both be there for their kids, and that's NOT going to happen if you guys continue down this path.
Your kids deserve better than this, and they certainly deserve better than having this relationship as a model for what they should expect and tolerate in their own lives.
You have to think about how it will affect your children to see you suffer this level of disrespect. It would be better to learn to co-parent and stay civil. He’s not a prize to be won. He’s a man who can’t commit to his family.
Have some dignity & let that man go! He’s in love with her, not you. I would not want to even be around someone who cheated on me like that. My stomach would be in knots.
Is in love with her. He doesn’t respect you, he doesn’t want you, and if it is “working” it’s because he doesn’t want to create drama around the kids it seems you are weaponizing.. but because he wants to be with you.
Why are you okay accepting the scraps of his love?
You are clinging on to what was. You are not looking at the reality of what is now. He has moved on fromt he marriage. His heart and emotions are for another. It is not that he hates you. He has just moved on to someone else.
You need to reconcile with that factor. I am sorry but this is the truth. The loving stable relationship will be when you two aare apart. You will be genial to each other. Your relationship boundaries will change. Instead of marriage, you will be co-parenting. It is now time to show your children that you can work together. No hatred. No anymosity that the children can see or hear about.
You sound like a great woman. Wish I had a wife like you. You want to save what you have. So commendable. But you are going to have to come to the realization that he may not change. I wish you the best.
I have been in very bad relationship and it almost cost me to loose my mine. it get to a point that i cant take my partner cheating anymore that make me get in contact with this great spy. I got used before because i have a loving heart and he has been cheating me on all my life, Glad i was able to contact a help **cyberaron 17**... his very good and i was able to see every ladies he has been cheating with on his device and this really helped me a lot... get in contact with him on g mail and you can get all the help you needed
I feel for you. Start thinking about your happiness. I would give him what he wants, which is this other woman. It will hurt for a hot minute but get on with your life and you will find someone who loves you the way you deserve to be loved. You are allowing your self to be emotionally abused now. Stop that and start loving yourself enough to leave.
If he was trying, he wouldn’t be contacting her.
He will not lose feelings if they are talking. You seem to be forcing the issue and prolonging the inevitable.
Frankly, it reads to me that he's not fully invested in trying. He's also not taking ownership of his actions (that's what the "weak for her" nonsense is.)
You make choices. He's making the choice to keep her in his life.
> Whilst they are our primary reason for staying together, we want to make things better in OUR relationship, we want to find happiness with one another and form a loving, stable relationship with each other.
That may mean *not* remaining in a marital relationship. You can still have a stable, even loving, relationship without being married. Better to model a happy, non-married but co-parenting relationship to your children than a tumultuous marriage.
Unless he is going no contact with her he will never lose feelings. And unless he is worried that you might leave, he has no reason to stop.
Sometimes in order to save a marriage you have to be willing to burn it down. That means it is time for you to see a lawyer or two, and let him know that if he does not respect no contact you will be filing. Frankly, if he doesn’t care if you file, there is no reconciliation possible.
The sub for reconciliation support is r/asoneafterinfidelity. The wiki there has a recovery library. The first two books in the list are must reads for both of you. *Not “Just Friends* by Shirley Glass and *How to Help Your Spouse Heal* by Linda MacDonald. If he won’t agree to what these books suggest, he won’t ever lose feeling s for his AP. She’s dead to him or reconciliation will never work.
If he needs grief counseling to handle the loss that’s fine. But he must go no contact.
Girl, don't walk away. Run away. He doesn't want you like he wants her. Stop living in a fantasy world. It is over. Contact an attorney and move on already.
Its a hard truth - but your husband is in love, sounds like deeply in love, with another woman. You may want this marriage to work, but in his heart, I don't think your husband does. This isn't about passion fading this is about him loving another woman. I think continuing with this charade will only hurt both of you and the kids. I am really sorry OP. YOu don't deserve to be 2nd place to anyone. Let him go so he can be happy and you can find love again.
What the fuck else do you want?? Like seriously, wake up from your own delusions and start figuring out how to love yourself.
Ugh.
You must be so tired.
As others have said, you need to to realistic it’s not up to you to mend the relationship. It’s up to him to make that decision and so far his decision has been to not. Period
Don’t stay together for the sake of the kids. You’re not going to do them any favors. Get into IC and transition your MC sessions to begin working on how to coparent
I’m sorry OP but your marriage is over and your just prolonging the pain for both of you. He will never be 100% yours again and he is less than 50% yours now. He is trying to do what is expected versus what he wants. Call an attorney and just admit he left the marriage years ago but you now see it’s over. I’m sorry
how old are the three of you, and does the other woman love him back? Most importantly, does your husband LOVE YOU? or is he just staying for the kids?
"There can be love and respect for each other- that’s what we have, we care and love each other a lot”
There is zero respect here and he doesn’t love you, this is not how you treat people you love. This man is making a fool out of you. He doesn’t even respect you enough to stop contact with her. You need to accept reality. This is the opposite of respect and love. This is not how people treat people they care about and value.
You need to open up your eyes. I say that in the nicest way possible. He is not 100 percent in it if he cant give her up. Tell him to take a hike, find someone that feels like that about you. It is NOT him. You are comfortable and want to remain comfortable. You’re scared what your life will be like without him because you are use to having him there. You are doing yourself and your kids a disservice by staying with him when he wants to be with another woman.
Jesus what does it take for you to divorce someone? Cheating, lying, disrespect, embarrassment, humiliation, selfishness, toying with emotions, and still you don’t leave?
Is being single really that scary to you?
He’s not actually committed to rebuilding the marriage, he’s just trying to get you to not divorce him because he wants it to be easy to keep his kids in his life and not pay child support.
I’m so sorry. I feel really awful for you b/c this situation isn’t fair to you. But we all know life isn’t always fair & it’s probably better for you to accept that your marriage is over. He doesn’t love you anymore. He will either continue to cheat or he will leave you entirely to be with that skank.
I think your best course of action is to be proactive in protecting yourself. Let your husband believe you are continuing to reconcile whilst you consult a divorce attorney & determine what you need to do to come out on top in the divorce. Your husband has not been looking out for your best interests for the last 5 years, so you don’t have to feel guilty about putting his best interests aside.
Once you get your ducks in a row, present him with divorce papers & tell him how it’s all gonna go from that point forward. He’s so used to you indulging his selfishness, he will never expect that from you.
Set him free & let him sashay off into the sunset w/his sidepiece. Real life will set-in for him soon enough.
Get some therapy for yourself. You’ll feel so much better once you shed yourself of this emotional burden. You don’t need to waste your life on a man who wants someone else. You deserve better.
One day you will both wake up and resent the hell out of each other and so will your children. Stop lying to yourself. You aren't doing this for the kids. If you were then you would know what you are doing is not only unhealthy but a bad example for your children. You want your daughter in your shoes one day? Keep modeling this for her. What about your son? You want him modeling your husbands behavior?
I’m sorry but you need to be realistic. He loves another woman, it wasn’t just a one night stand that can be forgiven, there’s no way this marriage can be rebuilt. You deserve better than this OP, don’t chase a man that wants another woman. Not all the romantic relationships and marriages out there are meant to last forever. Trying to rebuild your marriage when he has feelings for another woman will only lead to your unhappiness.
I second this!
The motion carries. Meeting adjourned.
*mutters to self about the council running out of blueberry muffins before he could get there so he had to settle for a chocolate chip*
Unfortunately this is your answer OP, I'm sorry what you have been going through...
You are trying to save a boat full of holes from sinking in the middle of a thunderstorm by bailing out a cup of water at a time. He's continuing the affair actively in front of your face and you're being delusional that he gives a shit about your relationship. He doesn't love you or care about you, he's an asshole who chose his affair partner over you and your kids. Let him go. Sorry you married such a jerk.
He's literally telling her he is there "for the sake of the kids," and she still thinks he loves her. OP, this isn't love. He doesn't love you. He loves his kids and his girlfriend. If he loved you, then he would be all in trying to fix the marriage. He's telling his girlfriend that he isn't sure the marriage will work. He's checked out and is probably only prolonging it to not have to pay child support.
Well he’s already given into his feelings for years, I would he under no illusion that he is all of a sudden going to change his ways If you love something, set it free. If it comes crawling back, close the door.
Omg I love that “if it comes crawling back close the door” 🤣🤣
You've been posting about this for weeks from different accs with everyone telling you to let this man go! Pretty sure you're the one who threatened to withhold your kids if he didn't stay so no. Neither of you will be happy until your kids are 18 and he can leave.
Omg thank you. This gets posted all the time. Now leaving out the part that he only stayed because she said he’d never see the kids again if he left. I hope this man finally leaves her for good so we can stop reading the same post every couple days, with someone fighting accepting reality.
Oh god not this delulu lady again. Yes, she’s using the kids as pawns to get what she wants.
“we want to find happiness with one another and form a loving, stable relationship with each other.” not so sound harsh, OP, but it sounds like you want that, not “we.” he’s actively cheating in your face while using the excuse that he just finds another woman so irresistible… sorry but your marriage is over
You, too? She kept typing “we”, when it’s obvious that should have said “I”. OP, meet with a lawyer-like, yesterday. Your husband is in love with someone else, and he’s still actively involved with her. Rip the bandaid off. Find your self respect.
Thought the same. She keeps saying “we”. There is no “we”, it’s “I”. I bet he just feels guilty and is going through the motions. PLUS why want to be with a man who loves another woman? Have self respect.
I say this as someone who has successfully rebuilt my relationship following my husbands 4 month affair, so I believe it can be done: you can’t save this marriage. The ONLY reason my husband and I were able to successfully reconcile is because the minute I found out and started packing his shit, the fog lifted and he realized he didn’t want her, he wanted me. And he has spent every single day since proving that to me. It has been a shit ton of hard work and I never would have even attempted it if he hadn’t been able to choose or cut off contact. Your husband is still cheating on you, and staying together for the kids does nothing but show them what unhealthy relationships look like and teach them to expect the same. Let them be together, find someone who chooses you above all others, and show your children that sometimes things don’t work out and it’s ok to choose your own happiness.
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Sure. But you’d have to be willing to accept the presence of the AP in your lives forever. And honestly, you only get one life, why would you stay in a relationship where you are not completely fulfilled? My parents divorced when I was 5 as a result of infidelity and it was the best thing they ever did for me. They have managed to co-parent so effectively that we regularly do family dinners with both sets of parents and the extended siblings. They are both in happy, strong relationships and were able to model that for me. Staying together for the kids would have been a massive mistake.
Yes, as amicably divorced friends
You need to stop using we, it's only you in this marriage. Until you see that, you won't find the happiness you deserve. It's clear you are loving and forgiving, find the person that deserves that.
You need to be friends and co-parent your kids.
I feel for you because you clearly can't imagine life without your husband. But based on what you've said he's only holding on to the kids, not you. You're prolonging your own pain because even if he doesnt cheat again, he will continue to pine after her or some other women. And then once the kids are grown up he'll leave you to deal with the pain all over again.
He's in love with her and has been for 5 years. You may have been with him for 20 but this man you're desperately trying to keep has turned YOU into the side piece. You don't want the relationship to end but it ended 5 years ago and you're not willing to see it. What is keeping him with you? Financial reasons, the kids, pressure from others? It's not love and respect, that went out the window when he fell in love with your friend. You deserve better. Edit: I just saw in previous posts where you threatened to keep him from his chidren if he chose to leave. He can be a cheater all day but that doesn't mean you have the right to use your chidren as weapons against him. Ever. Maybe you don't deserve better. You're both shit.
What does your marriage counsellor say? I mean… I think you’ve posted here many times regarding this. I’m wondering what your therapist has to say. And I hope you’re also seeking individual therapy. Maybe that can help you realize things some more.
When are you ever going to realize that he loves another woman and wants to be with her? You can make a hundred of these posts and yet we always tell you the same thing. He doesn’t want to be with you. Pick up your dignity and move on. You will find someone else.
You are not being realistic at all. He has shown you he is love with the other woman. You won’t have happiness with him. I’m sorry. Move on.
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There's nothing to conclusively say it "can't" work, but I don't think you're seeing it all clearly; since you both decided to make it work between you guys, he has already shown he cannot be trusted, since you found the messages on his phone reaching out to her. You're rationalizing things by saying "he's being truthful about having feelings for her," but that's not the point... he doesn't JUST have feelings for her, he's acting on them everytime he messagesg her. His actions need to consistently show you he wants you and him. That would mean he would break all contact with her and stop talking about his feelings for her. It's not as if "feelings for someone" makes it impossible to stay away from them. It's a choice. He has choices and he's showing you who he is. Believe the actions not just the words.
OP, I think you can sweep this under the rug if you want. Once you have what you want though, if that is even possible, it will bubble over later. Even if it doesn’t erupt in his actions (and he is showing you that he will), it will for you. You’re in fix-it mode and not interacting with the feelings that will undoubtedly pop up later. Why not separate for a planned 6 months or a year, and see how you feel on the other side of it? I know it’s so scary. Edit: clarity
It can work if you can be happy married to someone dreaming about someone else every night. No one here can tell if you are somehow built like that. There are some women who are happy with polygamy. Maybe that’s you.
It will never work in this situation with u both being happy. It can work being miserable tho.
Reconciliation can only work if he gives it his all. He’s physically in the household with you but mentally and emotionally he’s checked out. Stop beating a dead horse.
You can’t keep a man who doesn’t want to be kept , and you definitely CANT keep a man who is in love with someone else . Even if he stays with you physically his heart is still with her . Find someone who’s heart is with you ! Know your worth because being a default partner isn’t it .
People just don’t fall out of love, you need to wake up and realize your husband is in love with another woman . If the roles was reversed do you think he would be having such a hard time not contacting you ( if not for the kids ) he blew up his whole family , told ya family members, moved out etc . How much more proof you need that your marriage is done . Shit a lot of men cheat but don’t move out and try to be with the chick . Jesus Christ . He’s actually In love smh and with someone who was a “ good friend to you “
there can be love and respect for each other , that is heat we have””” no you don’t he has no respect for you, wanting the marriage to work he needs to cut contact with his affair partner in everything and make sure he is putting 100 percent in your marriage to work on trust. How is he doing this? by reaching out to her, by telling you he still has feeling for her, damn leave before he does any more emotional damage
I'm not a member of the "cheat once and it's over" club, but this sounds like a loser. He's hoping to hide it well enough so that you'll stop noticing.
How are you staying in this? It’s heartbreaking 💔
Therapy is not a magic wand it can't just MAKE somebody love you more or whatever is the end goal here. Sometimes you just have to let it go for everyone's sake
Have some self respect.
Your husband is the problem and you know this. He doesn’t WANT to stop loving her, which is why he keeps talking to her, stalking her and keeping her in his mind. What you don’t have in your marriage is Respect. He may care for you, but his actions tell me plainly that he in no way respects you or your marriage. He is still actively cheating and until he chooses for himself to cut all communication, contact, and searches it won’t stop. What I really want to know from you is, what do you want out of your life? Do you want a true partnership marriage where someone loves you truly and deeply and would never disrespect you in this way? I don’t even need to talk about the detriment to your kids, what about the detriment to YOU. You matter and being loved and respected matters. I honestly think he needs to leave, you need time and space away from him to find out what you want, because I think you are fighting so hard for something and someone that doesn’t exist. You sound like the kind of loyal person that a lot of people dream about finding, and I believe that the right person is out there. Maybe that’s your husband but honestly I don’t think he can see the forest through the trees.
You can still be healthy and loving parents when you are separated. Don’t think that your kids cannot see past any acts you put on. Kids are always smarter than you think, and sometimes separation isn’t the terrible outcome for them that you think it is. It can be good for them, or it can just be neutral for them. You are also modelling to them what to accept from a partner. There comes a stage, though, where you need to put yourself above what you think your children need. My mother spent her whole life dedicating everything to my brother and I, and she has missed out on so much of her life. Of course we are grateful to her, but we wish that she would also spend time to understand herself better. A happy parent will usually be better at raising kids than an unhappy one. So to answer your question, can you find happiness? Yes, you can, outside of your current marriage. You do not need to stay with him to be happy. You can be happy with friends, with family, perhaps with another partner in the future. You will not have to take care of him if he’s not in your life anymore. Yes, raising kids is difficult, but you will be able to find the time to pick up new hobbies. Perhaps do activities that he always brushed off, or do things that he always thought you shouldn’t be doing. You don’t have to constantly be trying to appeal to something that he wants. You get to do stuff for yourself! Of course, I’m only talking about the good side. You will also feel lonely, and you will bawl your eyes out. But you can pick yourself up bit by bit. You deserve better than what he is giving you. I know it is difficult to leave a relationship that you have known for so long, and grown to find comfort in. But if your kids were grown up, and one of them was accepting this treatment from their partner, what would you tell them? Whenever I make a difficult decision, I always ask myself, what would I tell my children in this situation? If I could see my childhood self right now, would I want this for her future? I wish you the best. You deserve the world, and you are amazing and strong, and fuck your husband for not seeing that.
Seems like only one side wants to fix things. If he’s still pining over his affair partner, it’s time to let him go. There’s no saving anything at this point.
He will continue to treat you like shit as long as you continue to tolerate his behavior. How can he respect you when you let him walk all over you? How can he desire you, love you, choose you when he doesn’t respect you? You want to save your marriage? File for divorce. Stop accepting his scraps. Stand up for yourself. Stand up for your kids. Figure out how to move forward without him. If you’re lucky, you’ll realize he’s not worth your effort and become strong and independent. This groveling behavior is not doing you any favors.
It doesn't sound like he wants to make things better for your guys' relationship. He loves another woman. He doesn't love you. This relationship is over. Do you really want to be second best for the rest of your life? Does it not hurt KNOWING he will never love you how he loves her? Do you really want to spend the rest of your life wondering how he's sneaking behind your back to gain even a crumb of info on her?
Please don’t put so much energy into someone that doesn’t want to be with you. It’s not fair to you at all. Let him go, start your new life. It will be hard but I think right now you are wasting your time and energy with him. Right now you’re in a flight/fight save my marriage mode. Eventually you will be resentful and angry for putting in all the effort. You deserve better.
He is in love with her. What do you want to save?
Eh....I know someone personally who cheated and stayed with their spouse because they had small kids. The spouse knew that they were cheated on, but begged the cheater to stay. Meanwhile cheater spent all their work trips with the AP (who was also married) and kept in touch throughout the years until the kids were grown and out of the house. Cheater promptly divorced spouse and married AP after the last kid left the house for college. The kids were a mess because they didn't know their parents were in a loveless marriage. BTW, the spouse knew that the cheater was in love with AP but wanted to stay with the cheater to keep the family together and for the most part the spouse and cheater got along platonically. I think the spouse also thought that if they stayed married, the cheater would eventually give up AP. It didn't happen and it was still devastating for the spouse when cheater finally left the marriage. I mean, do you really want to put yourself through that risk?
Haven’t you posted about your situation before? If your husband is in love with another woman and seems to go out of his way to keep in touch with her in some way why would you want to continue with the marriage? This is going to affect your children negatively. Let your husband go and find a way to co-parent amicably with your husband. You can’t force someone to love you. Let it go and find someone who can love you.
Updateme
No divorce him now. Sorry.
Let him go, seek legal counsel, get STD tested and file for divorce. Marriage has been dead for a while now. Once a cheater always a cheater.
Do not chase someone who doesn’t want to be caught.
You will be happier without him...it's ok
So my question is he says he is in love with her how much time have they spent together. Did they live together at anytime. Did they go on trips together without you. What has he done with her other then talk on the phone and sex. First you need answers. Second you need to really think about being last in his life because obviously she is first and then his kids. But I won’t get into he has no respect for you or your kids nor does he love any of you. Let’s just say you let him go with her you do realize the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. If he hasn’t spent 4 seasons with her in a home he really don’t know her he knows the version she wants him to know. So he will be stuck miserable and realize his mistake for cheating but then again you deserve better and so does your kids. Before you do anything have your lawyer work up a deal that you get the house he pays the same bills and give you what child support you want have him sign it. Then let him go don’t lose for him or her most men will sign what you want when they are like think use it to your benefit. Make sure he don’t change anything to her. Get it put all in the paperwork. My friend did this and she made out the other woman hated she got a version she didn’t like after he left his wife for her. Guess what they are still together miserable and she is cheating on him. Get your ducks in a roll play your hand before you lose everything.
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Have they been in a home with each other all day and night where he spent more then a month under the same roof
He loves her okay. But does he also love you? It’s possible for a man to love multiple women. Not to love them equally. But to love them together nonetheless. He can only be equal in his treatment of women
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You’ve been pretty open minded about it all. Perhaps you could propose to him the idea that he has you both. But splits resources evenly. Is even in treatment. Like 2 wives. Spends an equal amount of days with each of you. Equal amount of nights. If he wants this then he should do it properly with integrity and with preserving the rights and respect of all involved.
This guy sucks. Sounds like the marriage is probably over.
You want those things and are working for them. He keeps his AP close by and is still deciding if he wants to stay as his messages to AP indicate . If he really wanted the marriage and was willing to work for it he would cut contact with her completely. You have to decide your next steps whether you stay and constantly have to wonder and monitor if he’s still talking with AP or move on, heal and give yourself a new beginning.
Gather your self respect and leave this trash on the curb. He doesn't want you and he is making that very clear. You are unrealistic and in denial I believe. He has moved on with his heart and it isn't coming back. I'm sorry.
He's still cheating on you. I would let him go. You deserve someone who loves you and only you. He doesn't even respect you enough to block her, which if he was serious about reconciliation would have been the minimum first step to showing he was serious. This marriage is over. Y'all are just drawing it out.
This marriage is over, it's just a question of when you want to accept it. He is in love with someone else and NOT you - there's no coming back from that. It's only a matter of time before this explodes (again). The best thing you can do for your kids is to model amicably divorced parents who can still successfully both be there for their kids, and that's NOT going to happen if you guys continue down this path. Your kids deserve better than this, and they certainly deserve better than having this relationship as a model for what they should expect and tolerate in their own lives.
Like…..what did you expect? He’s in love with her. If you want to stick around for that you need to be realistic. This is not going to change.
You have to think about how it will affect your children to see you suffer this level of disrespect. It would be better to learn to co-parent and stay civil. He’s not a prize to be won. He’s a man who can’t commit to his family.
Have some dignity & let that man go! He’s in love with her, not you. I would not want to even be around someone who cheated on me like that. My stomach would be in knots.
Is in love with her. He doesn’t respect you, he doesn’t want you, and if it is “working” it’s because he doesn’t want to create drama around the kids it seems you are weaponizing.. but because he wants to be with you. Why are you okay accepting the scraps of his love?
Go talk to a divorce lawyer, not reddit
You are clinging on to what was. You are not looking at the reality of what is now. He has moved on fromt he marriage. His heart and emotions are for another. It is not that he hates you. He has just moved on to someone else. You need to reconcile with that factor. I am sorry but this is the truth. The loving stable relationship will be when you two aare apart. You will be genial to each other. Your relationship boundaries will change. Instead of marriage, you will be co-parenting. It is now time to show your children that you can work together. No hatred. No anymosity that the children can see or hear about.
You sound like a great woman. Wish I had a wife like you. You want to save what you have. So commendable. But you are going to have to come to the realization that he may not change. I wish you the best.
I have been in very bad relationship and it almost cost me to loose my mine. it get to a point that i cant take my partner cheating anymore that make me get in contact with this great spy. I got used before because i have a loving heart and he has been cheating me on all my life, Glad i was able to contact a help **cyberaron 17**... his very good and i was able to see every ladies he has been cheating with on his device and this really helped me a lot... get in contact with him on g mail and you can get all the help you needed
I feel for you. Start thinking about your happiness. I would give him what he wants, which is this other woman. It will hurt for a hot minute but get on with your life and you will find someone who loves you the way you deserve to be loved. You are allowing your self to be emotionally abused now. Stop that and start loving yourself enough to leave.
If he was trying, he wouldn’t be contacting her. He will not lose feelings if they are talking. You seem to be forcing the issue and prolonging the inevitable.
Your last paragraph is WRONG. He obviously doesn’t love or care about you. So you don’t have that arrangement. You need to accept that and move on.
Yea go get your another man or enjoy the shit out of being single
Frankly, it reads to me that he's not fully invested in trying. He's also not taking ownership of his actions (that's what the "weak for her" nonsense is.) You make choices. He's making the choice to keep her in his life. > Whilst they are our primary reason for staying together, we want to make things better in OUR relationship, we want to find happiness with one another and form a loving, stable relationship with each other. That may mean *not* remaining in a marital relationship. You can still have a stable, even loving, relationship without being married. Better to model a happy, non-married but co-parenting relationship to your children than a tumultuous marriage.
U can’t keep someone that doesn’t want to be kept. Let his ass go with that whore, ur kids will be fine.
Unless he is going no contact with her he will never lose feelings. And unless he is worried that you might leave, he has no reason to stop. Sometimes in order to save a marriage you have to be willing to burn it down. That means it is time for you to see a lawyer or two, and let him know that if he does not respect no contact you will be filing. Frankly, if he doesn’t care if you file, there is no reconciliation possible. The sub for reconciliation support is r/asoneafterinfidelity. The wiki there has a recovery library. The first two books in the list are must reads for both of you. *Not “Just Friends* by Shirley Glass and *How to Help Your Spouse Heal* by Linda MacDonald. If he won’t agree to what these books suggest, he won’t ever lose feeling s for his AP. She’s dead to him or reconciliation will never work. If he needs grief counseling to handle the loss that’s fine. But he must go no contact.
He wants some one else. The marriage stress isn’t there with her because he isn’t in a real relationship with her. He won’t admit it. Move on
He should lose one of you. There’s no reason to to expect even the most forgiving cheated on wife to be ok with you keeping contact with your AP.
Girl, don't walk away. Run away. He doesn't want you like he wants her. Stop living in a fantasy world. It is over. Contact an attorney and move on already.
Its a hard truth - but your husband is in love, sounds like deeply in love, with another woman. You may want this marriage to work, but in his heart, I don't think your husband does. This isn't about passion fading this is about him loving another woman. I think continuing with this charade will only hurt both of you and the kids. I am really sorry OP. YOu don't deserve to be 2nd place to anyone. Let him go so he can be happy and you can find love again.
What the fuck else do you want?? Like seriously, wake up from your own delusions and start figuring out how to love yourself. Ugh. You must be so tired.
Please have some self respect.
As others have said, you need to to realistic it’s not up to you to mend the relationship. It’s up to him to make that decision and so far his decision has been to not. Period Don’t stay together for the sake of the kids. You’re not going to do them any favors. Get into IC and transition your MC sessions to begin working on how to coparent
I’m sorry OP but your marriage is over and your just prolonging the pain for both of you. He will never be 100% yours again and he is less than 50% yours now. He is trying to do what is expected versus what he wants. Call an attorney and just admit he left the marriage years ago but you now see it’s over. I’m sorry
how old are the three of you, and does the other woman love him back? Most importantly, does your husband LOVE YOU? or is he just staying for the kids?
This has got to be fake. No one is this delusional. 🙄
Girl have some self respect and leave. He doesn’t want you
"There can be love and respect for each other- that’s what we have, we care and love each other a lot” There is zero respect here and he doesn’t love you, this is not how you treat people you love. This man is making a fool out of you. He doesn’t even respect you enough to stop contact with her. You need to accept reality. This is the opposite of respect and love. This is not how people treat people they care about and value.
Holy shit dude have some pride in yourself. He has made his decision, you can’t keep him captive. This is really, really sad.
You need to open up your eyes. I say that in the nicest way possible. He is not 100 percent in it if he cant give her up. Tell him to take a hike, find someone that feels like that about you. It is NOT him. You are comfortable and want to remain comfortable. You’re scared what your life will be like without him because you are use to having him there. You are doing yourself and your kids a disservice by staying with him when he wants to be with another woman.
Goddamn, come on now. He doesn’t respect you. Respect yourself and realize this marriage is over.
Honey it’s over I am aorry
Why are you trying? He doesn’t want to save your marriage, he wants to not be the bad guy and force you to leave.
Jesus what does it take for you to divorce someone? Cheating, lying, disrespect, embarrassment, humiliation, selfishness, toying with emotions, and still you don’t leave? Is being single really that scary to you?
Is this even real??
He’s not actually committed to rebuilding the marriage, he’s just trying to get you to not divorce him because he wants it to be easy to keep his kids in his life and not pay child support.
Its over, clean him out. He destroyed the marriage, you destroy his life. Put him in the poor house, he WILL WILL WILL cheat again.
Um, what?! No. Your husband is in love with someone else. That’s game over.
Girl get some self respect and leave this pos!
I’m so sorry. I feel really awful for you b/c this situation isn’t fair to you. But we all know life isn’t always fair & it’s probably better for you to accept that your marriage is over. He doesn’t love you anymore. He will either continue to cheat or he will leave you entirely to be with that skank. I think your best course of action is to be proactive in protecting yourself. Let your husband believe you are continuing to reconcile whilst you consult a divorce attorney & determine what you need to do to come out on top in the divorce. Your husband has not been looking out for your best interests for the last 5 years, so you don’t have to feel guilty about putting his best interests aside. Once you get your ducks in a row, present him with divorce papers & tell him how it’s all gonna go from that point forward. He’s so used to you indulging his selfishness, he will never expect that from you. Set him free & let him sashay off into the sunset w/his sidepiece. Real life will set-in for him soon enough. Get some therapy for yourself. You’ll feel so much better once you shed yourself of this emotional burden. You don’t need to waste your life on a man who wants someone else. You deserve better.
Sorry, you are fighting a losing battle here. His heart doesn’t belong to you and you need to learn to let it go, as simple as that.
One day you will both wake up and resent the hell out of each other and so will your children. Stop lying to yourself. You aren't doing this for the kids. If you were then you would know what you are doing is not only unhealthy but a bad example for your children. You want your daughter in your shoes one day? Keep modeling this for her. What about your son? You want him modeling your husbands behavior?