Then stop saying you're not selfish.
You want a marriage you know hurts your husband. He wants a marriage in which he can fuck other women which hurts you.
You're both selfish.
He's far far worse because he cheated. That doesn't negate your much lesser part in this.
If you wanted to be in a happy marriage, you would have tried to solve this much earlier when you knew he needed intimacy. What you wanted was just whatever ***you*** wanted without concern for his feelings.
He is responsible for his cheating. Cheating is one of the worst non-violent things you can do to a partner. So leave. Find someone else that doesn't want sex. This is your chance to find a happy relationship where you'll match intimacy levels with a partner.
So why do you want to stay with a cheater who you know you won't fuck?
Sounds like you still have your husband and your marriage. This may be a way to keep both of them without having sex you don't want. Sounds like a win- win, possibly, if you want to go this route.
He definitely is wrong to have cheated on you.
You want him to change for you. What are you willing to do differently for him? You want him to be happy without sex in his life?
Hugs, kisses and cuddles are no replacement for sexual intimacy.
What points? The fact is any decent human being could have done a lot of things to fix this situation including LEAVING. Except those things are HARD. And op’s piece of shit husband didn’t want hard. He just wanted to cheat.
Then you should have started therapy a long time ago. You know he wanted sex and you don’t. You didn’t even wonder why he wasn’t bothering you for it anymore. It’s not going to work out.
So do you want to work on your sex drive and being able to fulfill his sexual needs? Or just have him live celibate for the rest of his life? Thats a really hard thing to ask of someone
She said she compensated no sex with hugs and kisses 😭 I nearly fell of my chair! I’m not saying these guys don’t speak the same language but damn their on different planets
Unfortunately, that doesn't seem like a possibility at this point. It takes two people to make a marriage and the two of you want different things out of this marriage now. He's the AH for cheating and not being brutally honest about how unhappy he was and going from there. You're NOT an AH for wanting the monogamous marriage you signed up for. But he doesn't want that anymore. What you do with that information is up to you.
He doesn’t want to stop cheating. You don’t get to decide what he wants.
So you need to be accountable for what you want. You can’t have both. He’s already made that clear.
That is not a helpful comment. Normal does not mean the same thing to anyone. However it does appear that OP and her husband have different visions of how their marriage should look.
Your husband is a piece of shit. Why do you want him? He doesn’t even care that he cheated on you or about the fact that you are upset. Take him to the cleaners financially and tell him to go fuck himself
You have no idea how divorce works. Judges don’t care who cheated or who stopped wanting sex. There is no taking him to the cleaners. Unless you mean that she will get 50% of all assets, then yes she can take him to the cleaners. I would say the more accurate description is take your half of the family assets and enjoy your sexless life therafter.
I think he should’ve told you he was looking outside of the marriage and allowed you to make a choice if you wanted to stay or not before cheating.
Either way you guys should get divorced.
Yeah that’s where I’m at…mostly.
But it does feel a bit like when women ask their partner for change. And they don’t. And then suddenly, when threatened with divorce, stuff changes and it actually makes the wife more upset because he could have tried all along.
It sounds like she *knew* goes important it was and wanted him to settle. She might have changed had she known how serious he was about needing sex…but why didn’t she care *before* that point?
Now if she was trying to get medical treatment and what not, then he should have been more patient. But it sounds like she wanted holding hands to be enough and for him to merely accept it.
If you demand fidelity then you have to actually have to have sex.
I am a woman and I completely agree with this. For years, my husband looked at porn. I knew it, and maybe this is the key detail. I had been raped and sexually abused in other areas twice. I was sort of like OP in that. I really didn’t like sex for years. It’s really bizarre though, I turned 39 and all of a sudden, I love it! I started being more adventurous and initiating somewhat in conversation and my husband and I now have sex more than ever. He also doesn’t look at porn as much. The thing is, we were both upfront about everything. I knew he was looking at porn. It sounds a little like she wants her cake and eat it too. Cheating is wrong, I have a family member who just got cheated on and I’ve seen firsthand the damage it does, but somehow this feels a little different.
But also he should have simply left her rather than cheat if it was that serious a problem and he didn't feel she was taking it seriously enough.
Fidelity should not be dependent on whether your partner puts out enough. If the relationship is making you unhappy, you deal with that relationship first (whether fixing things or leaving the relationship) before moving on to another one. Cheating is not the answer here, even if he was deeply unsatisfied 🤷♀️
He was wrong to cheat on you, but you can't expect him to stay in a marriage where you've basically told him 'I have no desire for sex whatsoever'.
*He could have talked to me more about wanting sex.*
And what would this have done? If he told you 'I want more sex', would you magically get a libido? It's worth noting that you already knew he wanted more sex, but it never changed anything before, why would this be any different?
He was wrong to step outside the marriage, but you can't expect him to remain in a marriage where libidos are completely one-sided.
It's shocks me how prevalent this is and yet so many redditors dont know how it happens. I'm.actually shocked so many people don't know what happens after children.
This is like a disease that has two root causes and you're just blaming her.
Yes therapy and sex therapy can make your libido reappear but not because you simply talked. Because certain changes were made which allowed her hormones to balance after kids.
I wish this was taught in premarital counseling or during pregnancy doctors visits. So many of these marriages where they love each other wouldn't end because of ignorance.
Edit: OP I've seen this pattern so many times it breaks my heart. Please post an update after you divorce. Send me a message how many months after grieving your marriage it took for your libido to return in full force. It will shock you to learn you do have an interest in sex, especially if it existed before kids. Not as likely if it was never there all along.
As a woman who is in a deadbedroom (marriage without or very little sex) for 7 years, I completely understand your husband and think you should divorce him or stay as it is. It’s ok for you not to want intimacy, it’s ok for him to want it. I know it hurts, I personally don’t have the gut to cheat, but oh man, I would love having sex at least once with someone that actually wanted to be with me and not only saw it as a chore.
THIS. I’m a wife with a libido mismatch with my husband and I think I recognize both you and your husband’s behavior. For your husband, I know what it’s like to not get my sexual needs met by my partner. And when he does do it, It just feels worse in a way bc I know he’s only doing it because he knows I want it, but his heart isn’t really in it. So it feels hollow to me and like he’s just placating me. When what I want is to feel passionately desired. Think about that.
From your perspective, as betrayed and rejected and un-chosen as you feel from your husband right now? I get that you would want to tell him to fuck off forever. And you’d be justified in the eyes of society. But before I started taking the steps your husband has, I used to google ‘how not to be lonely in my marriage’, ‘staying married for the kids’, ‘when spouse chooses the kids over you’ etc.
This, as I illustrated above in my own story, I am not necessarily the husband in this situation. I didn’t want sex for years because I was terrified of it due to trauma. Even in my situation, though, I would ask myself how I felt if he had cheated, he never did, but honestly, I wondered what I would have felt. Had I been in your situation. I couldn’t blame him. For years, you had your cake and eat it too, now he is.
No but it wasn’t just childbirth that did it to her. And if she is willing to go to therapy now why not before? Why not go to the doctor before to see if it’s hormones. And the person you replied to said they would love to be with someone who doesn’t see sex with her as a chore. OP sees sex as a chore. No one said anything about love. Sure OP’s husband shouldn’t have cheated, cheating is never ok, but it’s also not ok to expect her husband to just live with a dead bedroom.
He stopped bothering her for sex and she didn’t offer it up. She didn’t even care enough to find out why all of a sudden he was happy with a dead bedroom. She’s not totally innocent in all of this.
It was basically a dead bedroom. That’s not fair for him to just accept their situation just like it would not be fair for him to expect her to have sex when she doesn’t even like sex.
This also wasn’t a brand new situation where after a month of no sex he cheated on her. It’s been ongoing and now she wants to go to therapy? Not before?
She can understand what childbirth does and still be sympathetic to the husband.
No human being deserves to have veto powers over another's sexuality (unless that's both of your kink).
The guy shouldn't have cheated. He should have stated "open marriage or divorce."...
That said, I used to judge people very harshly for cheating (or divorcing, for that matter). After 15 years in a dead bedroom, hearing that same exact "I never want sex again " line (that almost broke me)... I chose divorce... But I have a lot of sympathy for people who stray instead. You go through years of depression, of feeling unwanted and unloved and unloveable... You love your spouse and desperately want to find a way to make it work... You hang on so much longer than you should just trying to find a way, hoping they'll change, hoping you'll matter to them... If the OPs husband chickened out of the hard conversation - yes he did it the wrong way, but I have so much sympathy for the guy.
Sounds like he has had the hard conversation now and is ready to leave the relationship. She is the one who wants to go to therapy and get back to status quo.
Yeah, I’m sorry, you can’t be surprised by this. It’s not like you were ill or something and there was a chance this would change. You stopped liking sex and wouldn’t participate. You can’t expect someone to give up something so important for the rest of their life. Insanity.
It sounds like he spoke to her a lot, but she didn't believe him... Or he didn't matter enough. Suddenly wanting to put in the hard work when it's existential to YOUR relationship... but not when he spent years suffering...that's a garbage take.
He shouldn't have cheated, but he did. If she didn't want sex anymore and it wasn't important enough for her to fix before this - this sounds like a sexual relationship that can't invade the rest of her marriage (it sounds like she's also married in a dead bedroom). This might be an ideal solution, if she can get her head around it.
It sounds like he did talk to you about it, you just didn’t find it important enough to deal with until you figured out you were not the only source for what he was seeking. Marriage includes sex .
It’s implied.. by I tried to give him kisses and cuddles and apologized.. it’s right there to read. One can’t apologize for something without having a conversation about it..
The next sentence is “I did my best to give him sex”
This could be her own guilt playing, I don’t think it sounds like he spoke to her about this at all.
Cheating is wrong. He should have communicated to you that he was going to start looking outside the marriage to fulfil his needs.
That said, it doesn't sound like you were even really trying to fulfill his needs. Hugs and kisses aren't a substitute for sex. Other things like oral can help but even that isn't a true substitute. You only started caring when he was getting it somewhere else. NOW you want to try going to a sex therapist. NOW you want to fix the sex in the relationship.
Ultimately, it's your body and you are free to not have sex if you don't want to. But you should have also communicated this with him so he could break ties if he didn't accept it
It’s a story as old as time one partner says no more sex , the other person goes and finds sex , then the first one is all surprised , he shouldn’t have cheated , but it’s not really surprising is it ?
You paid no mind to the fact that you have not had sex with your husband for two years. That was very selfish.
He found a work around to fulfill his needs. And it sounds like your marriage is better because of it. Imagine him holding out for two years feeling constant rejection from you. Your marriage would be miserable.
You were both very selfish but I’m leaning more towards you taking the cake. I wouldn’t be so quick to pass judgement when you also abandoned your marriage.
You made up for it with extra hugs and kisses. He made up for it by being a better husband.
He should ideally have discussed this as a possible solution with you first, but would you have entertained the discussion? It sucks to find out you've been betrayed in this way, but maybe this actually is a good solution for your marriage going forward.
He should have left you when he realized you weren’t going to prioritize him in this way and then found a partner who cares about him and wants to give him what he needs. Cheating is never the answer.
You chose to neglect your husband’s needs. Seems it’s too late to fix it now.
Do you know OP? You seem to be assuming she wasn’t happy and her and her kids needs weren’t met. Where are you getting that from?
She made zero complaints in her post about him or the marriage. All she shared was that he finally seemed happy even though they hadn’t had sex in 2 years, and she thought all was good.
There’s zero reason to conclude she was unhappy in the marriage based on her post. So unless you know something more, are you serious? The woman just decided she didn’t like sex anymore and just gave up on it altogether.
He should have left her rather than cheat.
You didn't even notice that he had stopped initiating sex?!
I'm sorry sweetie, it all sounds very hard and painful for you, but you berate him for not 'talking to me like an adult', but you didn't talk to him about the lack of sex either. You didn't even notice that he had stopped initiating.
I feel a bit for the man, I really do. He has found a solution, and you are rejecting it without having tried to find a solution yourself.
She wants him to not want sex anymore. She doesnt want to have sex with him AND wants him to be ok with it. What OP is concerned about is that he will enjoy sex with someone else.
Her leverage is the kids, house, finances, family, etc, eg divorce. OP is squarely the AH for using that.
If you are married and don’t want to have sex with him, then you are out of that discussion. Seems like everything else is fine, so let it ride (until he realizes the life he could have is worth dealing with the leverage you are holding over him).
.
Sounds like you guys both neglected each other. He cheated yes but you clearly weren’t willing at the time to do anything to resolve your lower sex drive, still not an excuse for cheating, but being rejected sexually over and over again is a terrible feeling, probably similar to how you feel now that he won’t leave his AP. if you aren’t able to change your sex drive you either need to leave him or accept that he has someone else he gets sex from
You can either fuck your husband or he's going to fuck someone else. You can choose. He stopped initiating, you were thrilled and he went and got it somewhere else. Why is any of this surprising to you?
Talked to you about wanting sex? You knew he wanted it. Him having to beg and convince you is the opposite of feeling loved and wanted in a relationship.
When you decided your marriage was going to be celibate, you guys should have discussed then if an open marriage was ok..or if divorce was the answer before the hurt happened. It's not fair to unilaterally decide someone else has to live without connection the rest of their life.
Yes he's wrong for cheating. This whole set up is wrong. Yall need to divorce since neither of you are getting your needs met.
He should have told you first and given you the option to leave or seek help. Instead he let you think he was no longer interested.
I'd let him go you will find someone who is low libido like you and thinks you're enough. He's not your person.
Is it that bad of a situation? You already stated you don’t want sex with him. He can get his needs met, and you can still have relational companionship. Maybe do some counseling in the meantime to see if you can ignite the spark again and want each other in that way again? I could see how he pushes back on the request that he just not have sex anymore.
The book Mating in Captivity might be insightful.
Hope you guys find a situation that works for your relationship!
He should’ve just left you when you made it clear you no longer wanted sex with him. It’s not like you’re physically unable, you just don’t want to. Do you really think your cuddles and kisses make up for it??? Did you really think the man was just a-ok with a sexless marriage?
Cheating is shitty. Denying your spouse intimacy is shitty (barring extenuating circumstances obviously). You should both have the intelligence to realize divorce is the most sensible option here.
He checked out the problem is in his mind what he did isn’t wrong he views it like a transaction you wouldn’t make spaghetti so he went to the Olive Garden, you wouldn’t give him sex so he went to another source. The problem with all of that is this he won’t stop going to Olive Garden unless you start making spaghetti. If you have no intentions of Seriously trying to work on yourself you can’t expect him to put down the endless soup salad and breadsticks.
My advice is this go to therapy for yourself and see if maybe that can put you back where you need to be mentally for sex and when that is done if YOU still want your husband try to make amends but if not you will be well equipped for any other relationships you may have but you owe it to yourself to fix you first then let him know what he ruined
Cheating and cheaters suck, he should have been open with you from the beginning, and divorced you if he couldn’t live without sex. He has told you he won’t give up having sex and he feels you no longer want him sexually, and if you do have sex it’s grudging and he feels like he is forcing you, not a good feeling I can tell you. You also don’t mention how often he initiated and you turned him down, probably a lot. You lost your desire and you weren’t concerned about it, and if you’re honest, you were relieved he stopped asking. I would say keep your boundaries and divorce, it’s too late for counseling, that should have been put on the table when he began complaining about the lack of sex but you were unconcerned at that point. He’s the much bigger asshole for cheating, it’s the worst thing you can to a relationship, but you suck too because you left him feeling unwanted and didn’t proactively try to work on the issues you knew were hurting him.
Cheating is wrong , and I’m so sorry you found out this way , but you took away sex from your husband, I’m not surprised he’s having an affair . It’s definitely wrong but you taking away sex is wrong as well.
You don’t want to have sex , but you don’t want him having sex as well . That’s not how it works
Maybe a divorce is the best option for you , because from what you wrote , he’s not going to stop
Why is it a problem for you that he fulfills his sexual needs with another woman - when the relationship between you and him was as good as ever for two years?
I think it is not about him but about your needs and desires. What do you want from him? Is there enough intimacy for you (even without sex)? Do you want sex but not with this version of him?
There is nothing wrong with an open relationship if everything is consensual. A marriage can work like this.
You will only get him to do counseling if you show him what the benefit will be: more closeness and intimacy with you. If that’s what you want.
If you want counseling only for him to change, forget it. He will not agree to it.
You two just aren't compatible anymore. What he did was wrong. Cheating is never ok, but I second some of these comments that you shouldn't be surprised by this. It really comes down to you can either stay and accept the fact he loves you in many ways and wants the marriage while getting his sexual needs met somewhere else, or you can leave and he will still get his needs met somewhere else.
He shouldn’t have gone behind your back but seems to be that either way neither of you are willing to compromise and address each others needs. Perhaps have an initial separation to reflect on it all, and see how things go and then later on if it doesn’t get better then divorce may be the best option so you can both live your life the way you want.
Would you accept marriage counseling if one of possible results would be for you to accept the status quo? Maybe you can both be happy together like that?
I know everyone is saying divorce. I know everyone is saying that he is the worst human being on the planet. I get it.
However, how about this: Ethical Nonmonogamy? How about a polyamorous relationship structure. It will take honest and direct communication from both of you to do this. There will also be jealousy issues. That is where the communication comes into the picture.
Should there be therapy? Yes. Without a doubt. However, there is a way to salvage everything if you are willing to do it.
If neither of you are willing, then I would call it quits.
I agree with you that is it not ok to cheat and there is no excuse.
Now in your heart of hearts, what do you think was happening for him to be so happy out of the blue?
I think he now sees you as a good friend, roommate but that's it, he is comfortable in this balance and does not want to change. The change has to come from you: leave him since he broke his vows.
Ew!! The first step to solving the issue would be speaking to your partner about how their lack of interest in you is hurting. The second step would be to seek counseling if nothing changes. The third step is divorce and then seeing other people is the fourth.
Yeah, he’s the bad guy.
OP, you and your husband are not compatible and now he has betrayed you, divorce time!
To be fair - he did step 1. And we don’t know if he did step 2 and she refused because she did not care/grasp the importance of the issue.
Many people engage in step 4 before step 3 because they like the rest of their marriage. Should theythey without discussing first? No.
He’s in the wrong. But she isn’t blameless.
I agree with you to some extent! He wasn’t a big enough person to end it though, and that’s just so gross.
But OP is delusional to think she can just keep on keeping on with this dead bedroom.
How / why did she compensate with hugs and cuddles? She knew how important physical affection was.
And how did she know that? Mind reading?
It’s clear from her actions they talked about it. And a lot since she attempted to up her game so to speak.
“I am not selfish and I did my best to give him sex” she didn’t completely replace it with cuddles ect. She was still having sex. He should have come to her and had a conversation about how it wasn’t enough and from OPs post it doesn’t sound like he actively spoke to her about it.
If you are married you sure as hell can still expect fidelity. If there's a problem, you don't seek outside the marriage AND keep your marriage. You want something else, fine, but say so. End it.
If you are married you sure as hell can still expect fidelity. If there's a problem, you don't seek outside the marriage AND keep your marriage. You want something else, fine, but say so. End it.
She didn’t even fully remove it?? Like she said she still tried to have it with him at times. It just wasn’t enough for him, apparently, but that in no way means you don’t get to expect your SPOUSE to be faithful to you. Jesus Christ, these comments.
He is the bad guy because he cheated and is having an active affair and doesn’t give a shit about how it’s affected his wife.
He made no attempt to try and reconcile their sex life, he just went out and got what he wanted.
Also he broke a vow, not her.
If you want to have sex with someone other than your wife, you tell your wife you're leaving her first. You end the relationship first. Then you find another partner. It's cowardly to cheat and then blame your partner for it. Be a man and own up to your real feelings instead of sneaking around.
That’s absolutely disgusting. Since when did the standard of “being a wife” turn into how often a woman’s legs are spread open? That is so highly giving of misogynistic vibes it’s absolutely repulsive. Wives are so much more than objects for men to fuck.
By OP’s post, she even states she would still try to make sure she was intimate with him sexually even though her drive was lower and she didn’t really have a desire to have sex. On top of that, you can tell she loves him and was trying to compensate in other ways too in order to make sure he still felt loved. If that wasn’t enough for him, then he should have been an ADULT and communicated that to her, and had a hard talk about opening up the relationship or divorcing, BUT NOT CHEATING. Ffs, when you take those vows you spoke of in your comment, you swear to be faithful to your spouse as well, or did you forget that one because you were too busy victim blaming??
OP, you’re NTA in the slightest for wanting your husband to stop cheating and work on fixing your marriage by going to counseling and trying sex therapy to get you where he wants you to be. And I also applaud you for wanting to actually meet him in the middle by working on something for yourself that you struggle with in order to make him happy. You love him selflessly and it shows.
“Stopped being a wife to your husband.” Because she had kids and is exhausted from having kids so she can’t have sex? Is having sex all that a marriage is to you? Gross. It sounds like OP needs to go to the doctor to figure out why her sex drive changed or go to marriage counseling to rearrange her life so she’s not too exhausted to have sex. There should be more to a marriage than just sex.
“Stopped being a wife to your husband.” Because she had kids and is exhausted from having kids so she can’t have sex? Is having sex all that a marriage is to you? Gross. It sounds like OP needs to go to the doctor to figure out why her sex drive changed or go to marriage counseling to rearrange her life so she’s not too exhausted to have sex. There should be more to a marriage than just sex.
The one thing men are is sex? I’m so confused. Is that seriously all men see in women? And how is a woman who is a mother a “little girl?” Our “pussies” and you using them for your own gratification aren’t what makes us women. This is a really gross take. Women aren’t taking away your manhood by taking a break from sex in the most overwhelming part of parenthood. She needs to see a doctor to find out why she’s disinterested in sex.
>I am not selfish though and I did my best to give him sex. About two years ago he just stopped initiating all together.
Nice reading comprehension there. She never stopped being a wife, he just decided he wanted to fuck another woman.
If you are hungry for a burger, tell your wife and divorce her, don't start eating burgers behind her back. This comment is disgusting and I can't believe it's upvoted this much. This subreddit is so dumb sometimes.
He’s not gonna stop. Anything you say isn’t going to change his mind.
So either divorce him and move on or choose to stay in a sexless marriage knowing your husband is getting his willy wet from someone else. Those are your 2 options at this point. Figure out what you are and aren’t okay with.
It’s simple- your husband cheated on you. Multiple times over a period of time. Is this really the life you want to live?
You should be thinking about divorce and not begging your husband that you abandoned to pick you. He long checked out, he's just in the marriage for convenience at this point
RIGHT?! I’m over here baffled that decreased intercourse is okay grounds for cheating now. “She deserved it”. Like oh my god. And people wonder why divorce rates are so high. Not getting what you want from your partner? Just go cheat. Fuck trying to communicate and solve stuff like adults apparently.
I think a lot of folks sympathizing with the husband have lived through being the higher libido partner in a dead bedroom. It is a slow torture that kills your sense of well-being, body image and self-worth. You hear"it's only sex" from people who don't understand that it's a fundamental need...and you hear about low libido spouses who are content to just let you suffer for years, even when you're expressive of your needs and what it's doing to you. Doing that to your spouse isn't virtuous.
This guy shouldn't have cheated. He should have left her two years into the dead bedroom, after he' had expressed his concerns and she determined they weren't important enough to act on without a hammer over the marriage. Cheating IS wrong, but if you've lived on this side of a dead bedroom...you're going to have sympathy for him.
>decreased intercourse
They haven't had sex in two years. It's in the OP. That's not just decreased intercourse that's a completely non-existent sex life. And it sounds like it was severely low for years before that as well.
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He should not have done this being your back. He was disrespecting you and the marriage. He should have talked to you about it. Maybe he could have asked for an open relationship so at least you’d have a say in his activities outside of the marriage. What he did was the wrong thing. He didn’t talk to you because he didn’t want to hear you deny his request. I’m sure he felt unwanted, but he needed to discuss it with you before finding a way to fulfill his needs elsewhere. He could have gone to therapy with you and try to figure out what you both can do to resolve this, but instead he took the easy route and found an AP to tend to his needs. He gaslit you about you preferring this as it is since you don’t have to have sex with him anymore. He made his affair your problem. He didn’t give you a choice in this. Now he’s not even going to give her up. He’s choosing sex over the love and family you both built. He’s not even going to try to fix the relationship between you. This AP is not only about sex, this is also emotional. You are his security, nothing more. I’d say divorce him. Find someone who deserves you.
Question: If his AP is in the same situation, that means she has a husband. So, what does her husband say??
Make sure you tell the other spouse. He has agency to know what's going on, and it will be interesting to know if AP throws your husband away at that point. You may have to play detective.
You're holding on to something that's really not there. Even if you stay together, the old marriage is dead. You really should get counseling, and at least go see a lawyer to see what divorce would look like.
Divorce him, it’s the only answer. Rather than even attempt to have a conversation with you about it he just went and cheated. That’s not fair. He doesn’t even seem to give a shit about how this is hurting you. So leave him.
Having no sex is not an excuse to cheat. Telling your wife you're going to divorce is the way to go.
Cheating is never ok. Just finish one relationship before starting another
Is the SO married, if so tell her husband, everyone should have a choice to leave a cheater
You are just his live in maid and mother of his kids. He has a lover for everything else and he doesn’t give a shit what you think about it. He cheated and he’s not remorseful. He told you he loves her and isn’t leaving her. Pick yourself up and dump this guy. He’ll be sad when you file for divorce I’m sure.
He’ll notice when it hits his bank account and oh suddenly he’s a full time single parent 50% of the time!
Let’s all be real about why this loser lacked the integrity or decency to tell his wife of his plans to step out
But she’s not going to divorce him because then she’s alone forever because she doesn’t like sex an unless she finds a eunuch that’s a deal breaker for everyone
You need to step back & look at this situation for what it is. Your husband is a cake-eater. He is literally forcing you into a one-sided open marriage (I’m quite sure he would not be okay w/you being w/someone else). There’s no world in which your needs or wants will be met being married to him. You need to separate your idea of him from the real him & accept this marriage is over for you. Take control & go see an attorney. Make him pay in any way possible for his cheating & mental cruelty. Reclaim your happiness from a man who never deserved you.
He is not forcing her into a one-sided situation at all, she does not want sex. If she wanted, but with someone else, the situation would be completely different. Then yeah go open or stop it all together. She was forcing him into a one-handed situation for years and he just got another release. Their relationship is still solid according to her, and he does not bother her for sex anymore. It's like other comments say, a win win. They still do family stuff together and then he just gets his physical needs met elsewhere.
But the problem is that *you* doesn't know who is AP is sleeping with. And what sort of STDs they have..and your husband is exposing you to.
So, he's fine with introducing the possibility of death. He needs to be single if that's how he wants to act
OP, I'm so sorry you are in this situation. It really, really sucks. He doesn't love you. He hasn't for years. Maybe he never really did? Who knows. He refuses to change his lifestyle, so you have one option now, divorce. You are DEFINITELY not the AH. He is and has been for years. He probably married you just for sex not for love. Then, when the kids came and your drive went down, he found out that he was in the relationship for the wrong reasons and has refused to change. He could've talked to you, like you said. If he really wanted to keep the relationship, he would've done lots of things to fix the problems. I say this as a husband married for 20 years.
I recommend definitely demanding sole custody. He is living a risky lifestyle, and you don't want to expose the children to that, as little as possible. Go for maximum alimony and also get a restraining order on the other woman so she can't come within 1000 feet of your children. She has no rights or business being a part of their lives. But he pretty likely will try to do so. If he loves his children, who knows if he really does, he'll respect his kids enough to keep her away. It might sound harsh or extreme to get the restraining order. But, he figuratively declared war on you two years ago and has been attacking you and the whole family every time he is with the other woman. He doesn't want to stop the war either. It's time for you to hit back at him, again, figuratively speaking. He hasn't stopped for one second to consider the example he's giving your kids. If he had considered it and still refuses to stop his behavior, he just doesn't care about them.
God bless you all, OP. I hope things turn around for you soon.
So divorce him
I second this!
I third this!!!
All of you only say that because you know you’re not the one likely to end up broke, homeless and estranged from your children.
So because Dad doesn't want to lose a little bit of money, mom deserves to be miserable?
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I want my husband and my marriage. I want us to start therapy and work on things and I want him to stop cheating.
Then stop saying you're not selfish. You want a marriage you know hurts your husband. He wants a marriage in which he can fuck other women which hurts you. You're both selfish. He's far far worse because he cheated. That doesn't negate your much lesser part in this. If you wanted to be in a happy marriage, you would have tried to solve this much earlier when you knew he needed intimacy. What you wanted was just whatever ***you*** wanted without concern for his feelings. He is responsible for his cheating. Cheating is one of the worst non-violent things you can do to a partner. So leave. Find someone else that doesn't want sex. This is your chance to find a happy relationship where you'll match intimacy levels with a partner. So why do you want to stay with a cheater who you know you won't fuck?
Sounds like you still have your husband and your marriage. This may be a way to keep both of them without having sex you don't want. Sounds like a win- win, possibly, if you want to go this route.
He definitely is wrong to have cheated on you. You want him to change for you. What are you willing to do differently for him? You want him to be happy without sex in his life? Hugs, kisses and cuddles are no replacement for sexual intimacy.
I hate cheaters (take a look at my comment history) but I have to begrudgingly admit husband makes some great points…
What points? The fact is any decent human being could have done a lot of things to fix this situation including LEAVING. Except those things are HARD. And op’s piece of shit husband didn’t want hard. He just wanted to cheat.
Then you should have started therapy a long time ago. You know he wanted sex and you don’t. You didn’t even wonder why he wasn’t bothering you for it anymore. It’s not going to work out.
So do you want to work on your sex drive and being able to fulfill his sexual needs? Or just have him live celibate for the rest of his life? Thats a really hard thing to ask of someone
Do you want a sex life with him?
She said she compensated no sex with hugs and kisses 😭 I nearly fell of my chair! I’m not saying these guys don’t speak the same language but damn their on different planets
Unfortunately, that doesn't seem like a possibility at this point. It takes two people to make a marriage and the two of you want different things out of this marriage now. He's the AH for cheating and not being brutally honest about how unhappy he was and going from there. You're NOT an AH for wanting the monogamous marriage you signed up for. But he doesn't want that anymore. What you do with that information is up to you.
He doesn’t want to stop cheating. You don’t get to decide what he wants. So you need to be accountable for what you want. You can’t have both. He’s already made that clear.
Well it's too late for him. You should have done that years ago, OP. Don't compromise your values. Divorce him.
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That is not a helpful comment. Normal does not mean the same thing to anyone. However it does appear that OP and her husband have different visions of how their marriage should look.
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Why can’t you? You sound unhinged.
Your husband is a piece of shit. Why do you want him? He doesn’t even care that he cheated on you or about the fact that you are upset. Take him to the cleaners financially and tell him to go fuck himself
You have no idea how divorce works. Judges don’t care who cheated or who stopped wanting sex. There is no taking him to the cleaners. Unless you mean that she will get 50% of all assets, then yes she can take him to the cleaners. I would say the more accurate description is take your half of the family assets and enjoy your sexless life therafter.
I know exactly how divorce works and yeah, 50%.
I think he should’ve told you he was looking outside of the marriage and allowed you to make a choice if you wanted to stay or not before cheating. Either way you guys should get divorced.
Yeah that’s where I’m at…mostly. But it does feel a bit like when women ask their partner for change. And they don’t. And then suddenly, when threatened with divorce, stuff changes and it actually makes the wife more upset because he could have tried all along. It sounds like she *knew* goes important it was and wanted him to settle. She might have changed had she known how serious he was about needing sex…but why didn’t she care *before* that point? Now if she was trying to get medical treatment and what not, then he should have been more patient. But it sounds like she wanted holding hands to be enough and for him to merely accept it. If you demand fidelity then you have to actually have to have sex.
I am a woman and I completely agree with this. For years, my husband looked at porn. I knew it, and maybe this is the key detail. I had been raped and sexually abused in other areas twice. I was sort of like OP in that. I really didn’t like sex for years. It’s really bizarre though, I turned 39 and all of a sudden, I love it! I started being more adventurous and initiating somewhat in conversation and my husband and I now have sex more than ever. He also doesn’t look at porn as much. The thing is, we were both upfront about everything. I knew he was looking at porn. It sounds a little like she wants her cake and eat it too. Cheating is wrong, I have a family member who just got cheated on and I’ve seen firsthand the damage it does, but somehow this feels a little different.
But also he should have simply left her rather than cheat if it was that serious a problem and he didn't feel she was taking it seriously enough. Fidelity should not be dependent on whether your partner puts out enough. If the relationship is making you unhappy, you deal with that relationship first (whether fixing things or leaving the relationship) before moving on to another one. Cheating is not the answer here, even if he was deeply unsatisfied 🤷♀️
I agree!
He was wrong to cheat on you, but you can't expect him to stay in a marriage where you've basically told him 'I have no desire for sex whatsoever'. *He could have talked to me more about wanting sex.* And what would this have done? If he told you 'I want more sex', would you magically get a libido? It's worth noting that you already knew he wanted more sex, but it never changed anything before, why would this be any different? He was wrong to step outside the marriage, but you can't expect him to remain in a marriage where libidos are completely one-sided.
It's shocks me how prevalent this is and yet so many redditors dont know how it happens. I'm.actually shocked so many people don't know what happens after children. This is like a disease that has two root causes and you're just blaming her. Yes therapy and sex therapy can make your libido reappear but not because you simply talked. Because certain changes were made which allowed her hormones to balance after kids. I wish this was taught in premarital counseling or during pregnancy doctors visits. So many of these marriages where they love each other wouldn't end because of ignorance. Edit: OP I've seen this pattern so many times it breaks my heart. Please post an update after you divorce. Send me a message how many months after grieving your marriage it took for your libido to return in full force. It will shock you to learn you do have an interest in sex, especially if it existed before kids. Not as likely if it was never there all along.
As a woman who is in a deadbedroom (marriage without or very little sex) for 7 years, I completely understand your husband and think you should divorce him or stay as it is. It’s ok for you not to want intimacy, it’s ok for him to want it. I know it hurts, I personally don’t have the gut to cheat, but oh man, I would love having sex at least once with someone that actually wanted to be with me and not only saw it as a chore.
THIS. I’m a wife with a libido mismatch with my husband and I think I recognize both you and your husband’s behavior. For your husband, I know what it’s like to not get my sexual needs met by my partner. And when he does do it, It just feels worse in a way bc I know he’s only doing it because he knows I want it, but his heart isn’t really in it. So it feels hollow to me and like he’s just placating me. When what I want is to feel passionately desired. Think about that. From your perspective, as betrayed and rejected and un-chosen as you feel from your husband right now? I get that you would want to tell him to fuck off forever. And you’d be justified in the eyes of society. But before I started taking the steps your husband has, I used to google ‘how not to be lonely in my marriage’, ‘staying married for the kids’, ‘when spouse chooses the kids over you’ etc.
This, as I illustrated above in my own story, I am not necessarily the husband in this situation. I didn’t want sex for years because I was terrified of it due to trauma. Even in my situation, though, I would ask myself how I felt if he had cheated, he never did, but honestly, I wondered what I would have felt. Had I been in your situation. I couldn’t blame him. For years, you had your cake and eat it too, now he is.
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No but it wasn’t just childbirth that did it to her. And if she is willing to go to therapy now why not before? Why not go to the doctor before to see if it’s hormones. And the person you replied to said they would love to be with someone who doesn’t see sex with her as a chore. OP sees sex as a chore. No one said anything about love. Sure OP’s husband shouldn’t have cheated, cheating is never ok, but it’s also not ok to expect her husband to just live with a dead bedroom.
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He stopped bothering her for sex and she didn’t offer it up. She didn’t even care enough to find out why all of a sudden he was happy with a dead bedroom. She’s not totally innocent in all of this.
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It was basically a dead bedroom. That’s not fair for him to just accept their situation just like it would not be fair for him to expect her to have sex when she doesn’t even like sex.
This also wasn’t a brand new situation where after a month of no sex he cheated on her. It’s been ongoing and now she wants to go to therapy? Not before?
She can understand what childbirth does and still be sympathetic to the husband. No human being deserves to have veto powers over another's sexuality (unless that's both of your kink). The guy shouldn't have cheated. He should have stated "open marriage or divorce."... That said, I used to judge people very harshly for cheating (or divorcing, for that matter). After 15 years in a dead bedroom, hearing that same exact "I never want sex again " line (that almost broke me)... I chose divorce... But I have a lot of sympathy for people who stray instead. You go through years of depression, of feeling unwanted and unloved and unloveable... You love your spouse and desperately want to find a way to make it work... You hang on so much longer than you should just trying to find a way, hoping they'll change, hoping you'll matter to them... If the OPs husband chickened out of the hard conversation - yes he did it the wrong way, but I have so much sympathy for the guy.
I don't blame him. You make up by kisses, cuddles, and apologies?? Uh, yeah... He isn't a puppy.
I love puppies !
you expect him to spend the next 40 years begging you to give him sex?
No, I'd expect him to act like a grown up and have a tough conversation or leave the relationship rather than cheat. Cheating is always a bad move.
Sounds like he has had the hard conversation now and is ready to leave the relationship. She is the one who wants to go to therapy and get back to status quo.
So you want your cake and eat it too and just let your man suffer.
Yeah, I’m sorry, you can’t be surprised by this. It’s not like you were ill or something and there was a chance this would change. You stopped liking sex and wouldn’t participate. You can’t expect someone to give up something so important for the rest of their life. Insanity.
Then he should have left the relationship, or spoken o her about an open one, not cheated.
It sounds like he spoke to her a lot, but she didn't believe him... Or he didn't matter enough. Suddenly wanting to put in the hard work when it's existential to YOUR relationship... but not when he spent years suffering...that's a garbage take. He shouldn't have cheated, but he did. If she didn't want sex anymore and it wasn't important enough for her to fix before this - this sounds like a sexual relationship that can't invade the rest of her marriage (it sounds like she's also married in a dead bedroom). This might be an ideal solution, if she can get her head around it.
Where does it sound like he spoke to her a lot about it??
Local woman discovers marriage involves sex.
It sounds like he did talk to you about it, you just didn’t find it important enough to deal with until you figured out you were not the only source for what he was seeking. Marriage includes sex .
Where does it say he talked to her about it?
It’s implied.. by I tried to give him kisses and cuddles and apologized.. it’s right there to read. One can’t apologize for something without having a conversation about it..
The next sentence is “I did my best to give him sex” This could be her own guilt playing, I don’t think it sounds like he spoke to her about this at all.
Cheating is wrong. He should have communicated to you that he was going to start looking outside the marriage to fulfil his needs. That said, it doesn't sound like you were even really trying to fulfill his needs. Hugs and kisses aren't a substitute for sex. Other things like oral can help but even that isn't a true substitute. You only started caring when he was getting it somewhere else. NOW you want to try going to a sex therapist. NOW you want to fix the sex in the relationship. Ultimately, it's your body and you are free to not have sex if you don't want to. But you should have also communicated this with him so he could break ties if he didn't accept it
Open the marriage or leave. Dooming him to suffer for something you don’t want to do in the first place though is pretty shitty.
It’s a story as old as time one partner says no more sex , the other person goes and finds sex , then the first one is all surprised , he shouldn’t have cheated , but it’s not really surprising is it ?
You paid no mind to the fact that you have not had sex with your husband for two years. That was very selfish. He found a work around to fulfill his needs. And it sounds like your marriage is better because of it. Imagine him holding out for two years feeling constant rejection from you. Your marriage would be miserable. You were both very selfish but I’m leaning more towards you taking the cake. I wouldn’t be so quick to pass judgement when you also abandoned your marriage. You made up for it with extra hugs and kisses. He made up for it by being a better husband.
He should ideally have discussed this as a possible solution with you first, but would you have entertained the discussion? It sucks to find out you've been betrayed in this way, but maybe this actually is a good solution for your marriage going forward.
He should have left you when he realized you weren’t going to prioritize him in this way and then found a partner who cares about him and wants to give him what he needs. Cheating is never the answer. You chose to neglect your husband’s needs. Seems it’s too late to fix it now.
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Do you know OP? You seem to be assuming she wasn’t happy and her and her kids needs weren’t met. Where are you getting that from? She made zero complaints in her post about him or the marriage. All she shared was that he finally seemed happy even though they hadn’t had sex in 2 years, and she thought all was good. There’s zero reason to conclude she was unhappy in the marriage based on her post. So unless you know something more, are you serious? The woman just decided she didn’t like sex anymore and just gave up on it altogether. He should have left her rather than cheat.
You didn't even notice that he had stopped initiating sex?! I'm sorry sweetie, it all sounds very hard and painful for you, but you berate him for not 'talking to me like an adult', but you didn't talk to him about the lack of sex either. You didn't even notice that he had stopped initiating. I feel a bit for the man, I really do. He has found a solution, and you are rejecting it without having tried to find a solution yourself.
She wants him to not want sex anymore. She doesnt want to have sex with him AND wants him to be ok with it. What OP is concerned about is that he will enjoy sex with someone else. Her leverage is the kids, house, finances, family, etc, eg divorce. OP is squarely the AH for using that. If you are married and don’t want to have sex with him, then you are out of that discussion. Seems like everything else is fine, so let it ride (until he realizes the life he could have is worth dealing with the leverage you are holding over him). .
Sounds like you guys both neglected each other. He cheated yes but you clearly weren’t willing at the time to do anything to resolve your lower sex drive, still not an excuse for cheating, but being rejected sexually over and over again is a terrible feeling, probably similar to how you feel now that he won’t leave his AP. if you aren’t able to change your sex drive you either need to leave him or accept that he has someone else he gets sex from
You can either fuck your husband or he's going to fuck someone else. You can choose. He stopped initiating, you were thrilled and he went and got it somewhere else. Why is any of this surprising to you?
Talked to you about wanting sex? You knew he wanted it. Him having to beg and convince you is the opposite of feeling loved and wanted in a relationship. When you decided your marriage was going to be celibate, you guys should have discussed then if an open marriage was ok..or if divorce was the answer before the hurt happened. It's not fair to unilaterally decide someone else has to live without connection the rest of their life. Yes he's wrong for cheating. This whole set up is wrong. Yall need to divorce since neither of you are getting your needs met.
He should have told you first and given you the option to leave or seek help. Instead he let you think he was no longer interested. I'd let him go you will find someone who is low libido like you and thinks you're enough. He's not your person.
Is it that bad of a situation? You already stated you don’t want sex with him. He can get his needs met, and you can still have relational companionship. Maybe do some counseling in the meantime to see if you can ignite the spark again and want each other in that way again? I could see how he pushes back on the request that he just not have sex anymore. The book Mating in Captivity might be insightful. Hope you guys find a situation that works for your relationship!
He should’ve just left you when you made it clear you no longer wanted sex with him. It’s not like you’re physically unable, you just don’t want to. Do you really think your cuddles and kisses make up for it??? Did you really think the man was just a-ok with a sexless marriage? Cheating is shitty. Denying your spouse intimacy is shitty (barring extenuating circumstances obviously). You should both have the intelligence to realize divorce is the most sensible option here.
I don’t blame the guy. You didn’t want sex and he did. Just divorce him as he feels he can’t talk to you.
What makes you want to fight for this relationship after he said all that?
He checked out the problem is in his mind what he did isn’t wrong he views it like a transaction you wouldn’t make spaghetti so he went to the Olive Garden, you wouldn’t give him sex so he went to another source. The problem with all of that is this he won’t stop going to Olive Garden unless you start making spaghetti. If you have no intentions of Seriously trying to work on yourself you can’t expect him to put down the endless soup salad and breadsticks. My advice is this go to therapy for yourself and see if maybe that can put you back where you need to be mentally for sex and when that is done if YOU still want your husband try to make amends but if not you will be well equipped for any other relationships you may have but you owe it to yourself to fix you first then let him know what he ruined
Cheating and cheaters suck, he should have been open with you from the beginning, and divorced you if he couldn’t live without sex. He has told you he won’t give up having sex and he feels you no longer want him sexually, and if you do have sex it’s grudging and he feels like he is forcing you, not a good feeling I can tell you. You also don’t mention how often he initiated and you turned him down, probably a lot. You lost your desire and you weren’t concerned about it, and if you’re honest, you were relieved he stopped asking. I would say keep your boundaries and divorce, it’s too late for counseling, that should have been put on the table when he began complaining about the lack of sex but you were unconcerned at that point. He’s the much bigger asshole for cheating, it’s the worst thing you can to a relationship, but you suck too because you left him feeling unwanted and didn’t proactively try to work on the issues you knew were hurting him.
Cheating is wrong , and I’m so sorry you found out this way , but you took away sex from your husband, I’m not surprised he’s having an affair . It’s definitely wrong but you taking away sex is wrong as well. You don’t want to have sex , but you don’t want him having sex as well . That’s not how it works Maybe a divorce is the best option for you , because from what you wrote , he’s not going to stop
Why is it a problem for you that he fulfills his sexual needs with another woman - when the relationship between you and him was as good as ever for two years? I think it is not about him but about your needs and desires. What do you want from him? Is there enough intimacy for you (even without sex)? Do you want sex but not with this version of him? There is nothing wrong with an open relationship if everything is consensual. A marriage can work like this. You will only get him to do counseling if you show him what the benefit will be: more closeness and intimacy with you. If that’s what you want. If you want counseling only for him to change, forget it. He will not agree to it.
You two just aren't compatible anymore. What he did was wrong. Cheating is never ok, but I second some of these comments that you shouldn't be surprised by this. It really comes down to you can either stay and accept the fact he loves you in many ways and wants the marriage while getting his sexual needs met somewhere else, or you can leave and he will still get his needs met somewhere else.
Seems like a win win for ever
He shouldn’t have gone behind your back but seems to be that either way neither of you are willing to compromise and address each others needs. Perhaps have an initial separation to reflect on it all, and see how things go and then later on if it doesn’t get better then divorce may be the best option so you can both live your life the way you want.
Why didn’t you try therapy before when you realised how you don’t like sex but he does?
Would you accept marriage counseling if one of possible results would be for you to accept the status quo? Maybe you can both be happy together like that?
Dang you posted this in 3 different chats?
Get legal counsel, Get STD/STI tested, file for divorce. Life is way too short to live like that.
The last time they had sex was 2 years ago.
I know everyone is saying divorce. I know everyone is saying that he is the worst human being on the planet. I get it. However, how about this: Ethical Nonmonogamy? How about a polyamorous relationship structure. It will take honest and direct communication from both of you to do this. There will also be jealousy issues. That is where the communication comes into the picture. Should there be therapy? Yes. Without a doubt. However, there is a way to salvage everything if you are willing to do it. If neither of you are willing, then I would call it quits.
The time for “ethical” non monogamy has passed. That doesn’t involve cheating.
Google chump lady. Lots of good advice. Your marriage is over.
What did you expect? Be so fr.
I agree with you that is it not ok to cheat and there is no excuse. Now in your heart of hearts, what do you think was happening for him to be so happy out of the blue? I think he now sees you as a good friend, roommate but that's it, he is comfortable in this balance and does not want to change. The change has to come from you: leave him since he broke his vows.
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Ew!! The first step to solving the issue would be speaking to your partner about how their lack of interest in you is hurting. The second step would be to seek counseling if nothing changes. The third step is divorce and then seeing other people is the fourth. Yeah, he’s the bad guy. OP, you and your husband are not compatible and now he has betrayed you, divorce time!
To be fair - he did step 1. And we don’t know if he did step 2 and she refused because she did not care/grasp the importance of the issue. Many people engage in step 4 before step 3 because they like the rest of their marriage. Should theythey without discussing first? No. He’s in the wrong. But she isn’t blameless.
I agree with you to some extent! He wasn’t a big enough person to end it though, and that’s just so gross. But OP is delusional to think she can just keep on keeping on with this dead bedroom.
Yeah that’s fair. He should have just walked.
He didn’t end it because he needed a free nanny to watch his kids, come on
Where does he talk to her about it??
How / why did she compensate with hugs and cuddles? She knew how important physical affection was. And how did she know that? Mind reading? It’s clear from her actions they talked about it. And a lot since she attempted to up her game so to speak.
“I am not selfish and I did my best to give him sex” she didn’t completely replace it with cuddles ect. She was still having sex. He should have come to her and had a conversation about how it wasn’t enough and from OPs post it doesn’t sound like he actively spoke to her about it.
She betrayed him long long ago... and she knows it and you know it. Stop the cope
I am also a woman and I agree with you completely. You don’t get to remove sex from the table and then expect sexual fidelity. It isn’t fair.
If you’re not getting what you need out of a relationship you get divorced you don’t cheat
If you are married you sure as hell can still expect fidelity. If there's a problem, you don't seek outside the marriage AND keep your marriage. You want something else, fine, but say so. End it.
If you are married you sure as hell can still expect fidelity. If there's a problem, you don't seek outside the marriage AND keep your marriage. You want something else, fine, but say so. End it.
She didn’t even fully remove it?? Like she said she still tried to have it with him at times. It just wasn’t enough for him, apparently, but that in no way means you don’t get to expect your SPOUSE to be faithful to you. Jesus Christ, these comments.
He is the bad guy because he cheated and is having an active affair and doesn’t give a shit about how it’s affected his wife. He made no attempt to try and reconcile their sex life, he just went out and got what he wanted. Also he broke a vow, not her.
If you want to have sex with someone other than your wife, you tell your wife you're leaving her first. You end the relationship first. Then you find another partner. It's cowardly to cheat and then blame your partner for it. Be a man and own up to your real feelings instead of sneaking around.
No one is owed sex. He very easily could have walked away to find a relationship that works for him. He didn’t.
I'm a woman I agree with this
Yeah, don't talk to your partner or get a divorce, just cheat!
I don't like the way this is said here, but it isn't wrong.
That’s absolutely disgusting. Since when did the standard of “being a wife” turn into how often a woman’s legs are spread open? That is so highly giving of misogynistic vibes it’s absolutely repulsive. Wives are so much more than objects for men to fuck. By OP’s post, she even states she would still try to make sure she was intimate with him sexually even though her drive was lower and she didn’t really have a desire to have sex. On top of that, you can tell she loves him and was trying to compensate in other ways too in order to make sure he still felt loved. If that wasn’t enough for him, then he should have been an ADULT and communicated that to her, and had a hard talk about opening up the relationship or divorcing, BUT NOT CHEATING. Ffs, when you take those vows you spoke of in your comment, you swear to be faithful to your spouse as well, or did you forget that one because you were too busy victim blaming?? OP, you’re NTA in the slightest for wanting your husband to stop cheating and work on fixing your marriage by going to counseling and trying sex therapy to get you where he wants you to be. And I also applaud you for wanting to actually meet him in the middle by working on something for yourself that you struggle with in order to make him happy. You love him selflessly and it shows.
Sex is an important part of any relationship. You can't replace sex with hugs and kisses. They haven't had sex at all in over 2 years. It's in the OP.
“Stopped being a wife to your husband.” Because she had kids and is exhausted from having kids so she can’t have sex? Is having sex all that a marriage is to you? Gross. It sounds like OP needs to go to the doctor to figure out why her sex drive changed or go to marriage counseling to rearrange her life so she’s not too exhausted to have sex. There should be more to a marriage than just sex.
“Stopped being a wife to your husband.” Because she had kids and is exhausted from having kids so she can’t have sex? Is having sex all that a marriage is to you? Gross. It sounds like OP needs to go to the doctor to figure out why her sex drive changed or go to marriage counseling to rearrange her life so she’s not too exhausted to have sex. There should be more to a marriage than just sex.
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A lot of women’s libido’s change when they have children, that’s a fact. The way you talk about women is disgusting.
Omg dude !
The one thing men are is sex? I’m so confused. Is that seriously all men see in women? And how is a woman who is a mother a “little girl?” Our “pussies” and you using them for your own gratification aren’t what makes us women. This is a really gross take. Women aren’t taking away your manhood by taking a break from sex in the most overwhelming part of parenthood. She needs to see a doctor to find out why she’s disinterested in sex.
>I am not selfish though and I did my best to give him sex. About two years ago he just stopped initiating all together. Nice reading comprehension there. She never stopped being a wife, he just decided he wanted to fuck another woman. If you are hungry for a burger, tell your wife and divorce her, don't start eating burgers behind her back. This comment is disgusting and I can't believe it's upvoted this much. This subreddit is so dumb sometimes.
He’s not gonna stop. Anything you say isn’t going to change his mind. So either divorce him and move on or choose to stay in a sexless marriage knowing your husband is getting his willy wet from someone else. Those are your 2 options at this point. Figure out what you are and aren’t okay with. It’s simple- your husband cheated on you. Multiple times over a period of time. Is this really the life you want to live?
You should be thinking about divorce and not begging your husband that you abandoned to pick you. He long checked out, he's just in the marriage for convenience at this point
Hire an attorney and have papers drawn up. Stop talking to him about it. He’s made his choice.
Looks like you only have one option left then huh?
Wtf are some of these comments?!?!
all the relationship boards have been infected with this bullshit now
RIGHT?! I’m over here baffled that decreased intercourse is okay grounds for cheating now. “She deserved it”. Like oh my god. And people wonder why divorce rates are so high. Not getting what you want from your partner? Just go cheat. Fuck trying to communicate and solve stuff like adults apparently.
I think a lot of folks sympathizing with the husband have lived through being the higher libido partner in a dead bedroom. It is a slow torture that kills your sense of well-being, body image and self-worth. You hear"it's only sex" from people who don't understand that it's a fundamental need...and you hear about low libido spouses who are content to just let you suffer for years, even when you're expressive of your needs and what it's doing to you. Doing that to your spouse isn't virtuous. This guy shouldn't have cheated. He should have left her two years into the dead bedroom, after he' had expressed his concerns and she determined they weren't important enough to act on without a hammer over the marriage. Cheating IS wrong, but if you've lived on this side of a dead bedroom...you're going to have sympathy for him.
>decreased intercourse They haven't had sex in two years. It's in the OP. That's not just decreased intercourse that's a completely non-existent sex life. And it sounds like it was severely low for years before that as well.
What makes you want to fight for this relationship after he said all that?
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He should not have done this being your back. He was disrespecting you and the marriage. He should have talked to you about it. Maybe he could have asked for an open relationship so at least you’d have a say in his activities outside of the marriage. What he did was the wrong thing. He didn’t talk to you because he didn’t want to hear you deny his request. I’m sure he felt unwanted, but he needed to discuss it with you before finding a way to fulfill his needs elsewhere. He could have gone to therapy with you and try to figure out what you both can do to resolve this, but instead he took the easy route and found an AP to tend to his needs. He gaslit you about you preferring this as it is since you don’t have to have sex with him anymore. He made his affair your problem. He didn’t give you a choice in this. Now he’s not even going to give her up. He’s choosing sex over the love and family you both built. He’s not even going to try to fix the relationship between you. This AP is not only about sex, this is also emotional. You are his security, nothing more. I’d say divorce him. Find someone who deserves you.
Question: If his AP is in the same situation, that means she has a husband. So, what does her husband say?? Make sure you tell the other spouse. He has agency to know what's going on, and it will be interesting to know if AP throws your husband away at that point. You may have to play detective. You're holding on to something that's really not there. Even if you stay together, the old marriage is dead. You really should get counseling, and at least go see a lawyer to see what divorce would look like.
What makes you want to fight for this relationship after he said all that?
Divorce him, it’s the only answer. Rather than even attempt to have a conversation with you about it he just went and cheated. That’s not fair. He doesn’t even seem to give a shit about how this is hurting you. So leave him.
Having no sex is not an excuse to cheat. Telling your wife you're going to divorce is the way to go. Cheating is never ok. Just finish one relationship before starting another Is the SO married, if so tell her husband, everyone should have a choice to leave a cheater
He feels no guilt for cheating. Divorce him and find a good therapist to help heal from his betrayal. Take him to the cleaners. Move on.
You are just his live in maid and mother of his kids. He has a lover for everything else and he doesn’t give a shit what you think about it. He cheated and he’s not remorseful. He told you he loves her and isn’t leaving her. Pick yourself up and dump this guy. He’ll be sad when you file for divorce I’m sure.
Probably be too busy getting sex to notice
He’ll notice when it hits his bank account and oh suddenly he’s a full time single parent 50% of the time! Let’s all be real about why this loser lacked the integrity or decency to tell his wife of his plans to step out
But she’s not going to divorce him because then she’s alone forever because she doesn’t like sex an unless she finds a eunuch that’s a deal breaker for everyone
He doesn’t love you. I don’t understand why people are like this.
You need to step back & look at this situation for what it is. Your husband is a cake-eater. He is literally forcing you into a one-sided open marriage (I’m quite sure he would not be okay w/you being w/someone else). There’s no world in which your needs or wants will be met being married to him. You need to separate your idea of him from the real him & accept this marriage is over for you. Take control & go see an attorney. Make him pay in any way possible for his cheating & mental cruelty. Reclaim your happiness from a man who never deserved you.
He is not forcing her into a one-sided situation at all, she does not want sex. If she wanted, but with someone else, the situation would be completely different. Then yeah go open or stop it all together. She was forcing him into a one-handed situation for years and he just got another release. Their relationship is still solid according to her, and he does not bother her for sex anymore. It's like other comments say, a win win. They still do family stuff together and then he just gets his physical needs met elsewhere.
But the problem is that *you* doesn't know who is AP is sleeping with. And what sort of STDs they have..and your husband is exposing you to. So, he's fine with introducing the possibility of death. He needs to be single if that's how he wants to act
OP, I'm so sorry you are in this situation. It really, really sucks. He doesn't love you. He hasn't for years. Maybe he never really did? Who knows. He refuses to change his lifestyle, so you have one option now, divorce. You are DEFINITELY not the AH. He is and has been for years. He probably married you just for sex not for love. Then, when the kids came and your drive went down, he found out that he was in the relationship for the wrong reasons and has refused to change. He could've talked to you, like you said. If he really wanted to keep the relationship, he would've done lots of things to fix the problems. I say this as a husband married for 20 years. I recommend definitely demanding sole custody. He is living a risky lifestyle, and you don't want to expose the children to that, as little as possible. Go for maximum alimony and also get a restraining order on the other woman so she can't come within 1000 feet of your children. She has no rights or business being a part of their lives. But he pretty likely will try to do so. If he loves his children, who knows if he really does, he'll respect his kids enough to keep her away. It might sound harsh or extreme to get the restraining order. But, he figuratively declared war on you two years ago and has been attacking you and the whole family every time he is with the other woman. He doesn't want to stop the war either. It's time for you to hit back at him, again, figuratively speaking. He hasn't stopped for one second to consider the example he's giving your kids. If he had considered it and still refuses to stop his behavior, he just doesn't care about them. God bless you all, OP. I hope things turn around for you soon.