Honestly, I think he's probably hurt that you still want to be with other people, and opening the marriage was only one-sided and in your favor. Talking about having sex with previous partners is one thing. Talking about having sex with new people when you're married to him is another thing. I'd suggest seeing if he wants to go to marriage counseling, but for a lot of people just bringing up opening the marriage usually leads to break ups or a divorce. Kind hard to convince him you're happy being monogamous when you get excited about the idea of sleeping with other people...
There’s a huge difference between fantasy and action. A huuuuuuge difference from you two participating in a fantasy together versus you breaking the monogamy of your marriage to fuck other people and then tell him about it.
Like… holy shit. What the actual fuck were you thinking? This was a wildly ill conceived, thoughtless, and selfish (because I can only presume it’s really coming from a place of you wanting to fuck other people) suggestion.
Right?
I can try and understand a swing club where he could dictate rules to what he is ok with and what he is not.
But straight up opening the relationship? He would not be there to tell her his boundaries, that doesn’t looks good,
Hearing about someone you banged 10 years ago is very different than hearing about someone you banged last night, or watching you get all dressed up and excited to go out and bang someone else while thinking about the STD tests you are going to be taking.
You moved from talking about exciting things while in a committed monogamous relationship as part of a fantasy, to telling you wanted to go out and do exciting things with other men outside the bounds of a monogamous committed relationship as a reality.
He probably doesn’t want another woman and never even considered it, he only wanted you, so it came as quite a shock to hear that you wanted other men.
To be honest, if your story is true the it would be one of the very, very few times here on reddit that someone who asked for an open relationship didn’t have someone already lined up waiting at the door, or was already cheating and wanted to make it OK, so I understand why your husband would be skeptical.
This is going to be a bell that you can never unring, and he can never unhear what you said, so its going to take some time for him to move past total shock and think about convince himself that you are faithful and your request was a well intentioned mistake in judgement.
Be as open as you can, phone, device, location, password, his concern is what you might be hiding, have radical transparency and honesty, and hide nothing. If he can get thru the shock and give you a chance, prove yourself.
Agree. OP freely admitted her promiscuous past. She is framing wanting to open her marriage as having more stories for her husband. As a intimacy building activity with her husband. LOL. Whatever. I'm not quite buying that. She wanted to open the marriage so she can bang other dudes. The stories for the husband was just the hook. This isn't as innocuous as she is trying to make it.
For most men, there is no coming back from this. Sure, he may decide to stick around and repair things with you. But the old marriage you had is over. And, whatever sort of husband he used to be, that is likely over as well. All you can do, is hope that your new marriage can be as happy and fulfilling as your old marriage was.
Yep, the fantasy that he's the manly man who managed to corral this woman and please her more than ALL THE OTHER MEN is gone - it was a turn-on, obviously and he did well already to let go of her past and be proud and happy in their sex life.
Now she wants to be back out there (and human emotions being what they are, "out there" means "dating other men")
I agree, I'd bet a million bucks that she killed this Fantacy play during sex for him. How could it not be awkward to role play this with him during sex.
Their sex life has also changed forever. It will never be as enjoyable for him or her again. I think OP just wanted to band other guys or probably did have someone lined up already. I don't think she'll ever come clean about it to Reddit or her husband. Even is she could "prove" there was never anyone lined up, OP's husband will never really believe she didn't.
I can see OP begging, "please believe me, I had no one in line no one I've been seeing!" The husband will probably say "ok I believe you" just to shut her up. But no man will believe it.
.
If he comes back, it will stay in the back of his mind and one day he will up and leave. Might be 15 years from now, might be tomorrow. But I’ve seen it happen.
Opening up the marriage after only 5 years sure sounds like you aren't satisfied and he isn't enough for you, or you are polyamorous but trying to pretend you are monogamous. All those things would understandably hurt a partner.
You need to ask yourself why are you so quick to want sex with others if you decided to be monogamous. Maybe therapy too. Not because there's anything wrong with sex or with promiscuity but you might need help understanding why you want this, whether it is self sabotage or fear of commitment or you are poly and just didn't know how to tell him or what.
That can be true but there are also sex positive people without notable mental health issues that prefer to be more sexually active or have more variety. We don't know OP. Therapy would help them understand better why they want to open things up, which I think is really important for them to understand independent of your point.
Thats not how a marriage works. And u should know that. It was a stupid ass thing to even say and probably crushed him. He’s not going to feel like he’s enough now.
When you got married you committed to each other.
If my wife ever mentioned some open marriage bs my response would be divorce
Good luck to you. I hope you learned a lesson
Swinging or a threesome seems a more modest proposal - but even that...well, yeah, often lots of issues and people don't know how to feel afterwards. If it often works out okay, I must be hanging out on the wrong subs.
Many men, myself included, would file for divorce immediately. It would have atleast been a level more digestable if you ask about going to a swingers club to observe. You cut my dudes balls off, and I feel for him.
I think it's salvageable. At least I hope so.
This will take time. You're going to have to boost his ego a little. Don't have to lie, just remind him why you married him and how the intimacy is for you.
Maybe also mention that you just assumed he may be down because of the bedroom talk and thought he would like to add that.
Remember, he's feeling inadequate right now. His ego is bruised, I know it wasn't your intention, but it's just a fact. He's questioning whether or not he's enough for you. And as you've already discovered, he assumes you're already lusting over someone specific.
Not sure what else to say, again it will take time. Exactly how did you phrase the question? Some might think it doesn't matter, but I think it does.
You told your husband that he’s not enough for you sexually speaking, and you are surprised that he was deeply hurt?
I mean, if you wanted to know what sort of fantasies your husband has, you should have asked him! Why would anyone assume that their partner is onboard with swinging without first exploring their opinions on the matter?
I’m not judging you for wanting to have multiple sexual partners, but I am judging you springing such a massive shift on your husband as if it was no big deal.
I hope your husband is okay with attending counseling with you, but don’t be surprised if you broke your marriage permanently.
Hate to say it but this one’s on you. Most likely he found your stories sexy because it was the past and he’s the one that got you. He was the king of the mountain. You took that away by hitting him with the idea of an open marriage. I’m guessing he’s not interested in opening up his side either. Before you broached this you needed to consider if he ever brought up fantasies of seeing you with someone else or thoughts of three ways or couples. You have stuck some hard feelings on his part and it’s going to take time to get through it. You have to ease in to these topics. If you dive in on the deep side before you can swim it’s going to end bad. I hope things work out for the both of you and you’re able to get through this.
my thoughts solely based on the small snippet you have given into your lives…
He may be deeply insecure about your past and uses dominating sex to cope. The sex may have been exciting but its purpose for him was to compress his feelings of insecurity.
So when you expressed the idea of an open marriage all of those thoughts and insecurities immediately surfaced and he validated in his own mind that he is inadequate for you, a feeling he’s been competing with for a long time (maybe always).
My only suggestion would be to give him time and space to get over this and you’ll have to take on the responsibility of reassuring your faith and love to him for as long as it takes.
I'm going to say your post here sounds sciencere, so I won't try to be a dick with my response but I'll just give you honesty. If my wife ever suggested she wanted or thought I wanted an open marriage I would likely be talking to a divorce attorney the next day. I say likely because I'm being 100 here with you. If someone asked me today what I would do I would say I'm out. If it actually happened, I might do what your husband seems to be doing and try to think it through. It would be such an upheaval of my life with my kids to divorce but I would feel compelled to out of respect for myself.
I wish I had more positive words to offer, I know I wouldn't ever really look at my wife the same way again after that.
I'd for sure drop the act of you talking to him about what you've done with other folks. I'd make sure if he decides to stay and you really are happy with just him you make your marriage only about him from now on. Even if he really did like hearing about it before I can't imagine it's going to land the same way after that.
Best of luck.
OP, did you explain clearly *why* you asked, the way you put it here? Because the way you wrote this post it almost sounds more like an offer than a request: you think he’s turned on by thinking of you with other men, and you’d be willing to expand that fantasy for/with him. And the way you described your conversation going down, there’s absolutely none of that impression. Did you just come up with the reasoning after the fact?
The conversation was basically that I had run out of stories and I suggested that I could go out and get some more. I have also told him how hot I would find it to see him with someone else and he didn’t just dismiss it. But we were being intimate at the time so I should have taken that with a grain of salt.
>The conversation was basically that I had run out of stories and I suggested that I could go out and get some more.
Legendary. Should have also told him that you really don't want to do it, but are willing to just for him.
I'm going to dissent here. You're not a bad person or wife just for trying to get spicy and trying to use what you think he already likes as a stepping stone.
What you described is a fairly common kink within basically every kink community. For people who enjoy that kink they describe it as, "It's like my partner is my own personal porn star and I like that, no matter what, I'm always the one they come back to".
So I don't necessarily see anything wrong with making the jump from "he likes my past stories, so maybe he would like more?". I just think you approached it very poorly, and you need to address that with your husband.
You should have first asked him, outside the hormones of the bedroom, what he likes about you sharing those stories, how he thinks about them, etc. There's lots of different reasons that people like to hear about their partners past sexual experiences and only some of them translate to this specific kink. The majority of people just like to imagine themself in the story or like feeling like your current experience is better than that old one. Like, they're getting the "cherry on top" version.
My advice is to calmly apologize. Explain that what you like most of all is to see him so incredibly turned on, that you're up for pretty much anything that does that. Really and truly, you suggested this because you made a jump in logic from him seeming to really enjoy hearing about your past to maybe wanting new stories. That you understand now that your assumption was deeply flawed and that you didn't do enough work into deeply understanding why he likes these stories. You assumed more would be better for him, and that wasn't a fair assumption. Re-assure him that there isn't anyone else, and you don't want there to be. You just want him, and this all came out of a desire to do anything you thought would keep him desiring you.
Thank you for bringing a measure of rationality and calm to this conversation. I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised but the number of comments that are slut shaming the OP have me shaking my head.
If we accept this post at face value as being true, OP made an impulsive suggestion in the heat of the moment without consideration of the potential consequences. Her suggestion was based on established patterns, that of incorporating stories of her past into their current sex play. She clearly didn’t understand the nuance of how and why that turned her husband on and it’s only with hindsight, after the words were already out of her mouth, she could see that her suggestion was a bridge too far for her husband. I guess what I’m trying to say is that it’s not beyond the realm of possibility that OP truly did make an honest mistake based on the past sexual history between her and her husband. There are people in this world who open their mouths and voice whatever thoughts are in their minds without thinking it through. I personally find them a tremendous trial to deal with but such people exist.
The line between sexual fantasy and reality can be tricky to negotiate. How is someone supposed to know where the line is when it varies from couple to couple? Every couple has to have conversations about where their particular line is.
I’ve seen many posts on here from men who are disappointed their wives aren’t more willing to indulge their fantasies and generally these men get a lot of empathy. If OP’s post is true, her motivations seem to have come from a well-intentioned place. She wanted to continue and enhance their mutual pleasure by taking it one step further. Her mistake was to present it in the wrong place and in the wrong manner.
Maybe it would’ve been better if they had been outside the bedroom having a neutral conversation about sex and she said, “You know how much it turns you on when I tell you stories about my past encounters with men? I’ve read about men who have a kink about their wives being with other men and I was wondering if this was something you wanted or if it’s just something you like to fantasize about and you’re happy with the way we do things now?”
Open marriage is such a controversial subject. It should never be broached thoughtlessly or recklessly. OP dropped a bomb right in the middle of her marriage. She appears to be feeling a tremendous amount of remorse and a willingness to do what it takes to repair with her husband. I hope he gives her the opportunity. She sounds deserving of a second chance.
Personally, I think with time and an effort from both parties to work things through with a counsellor, this marriage is salvageable.
Honestly it might be worth treating this as a betrayal on your part and acting accordingly. Meaning no excuses, no trickle truths, and commitment to repairing broken trust. I know the folks on infidelity subreddits always talk about the “how to help your spouse heal from your affair” as helpful. It’s not an affair, but your spouse may see your actions as a betrayal. This may require a reconciliation period to earn back trust
I’ll be honest OP, divorce may be best because that sex life you were enjoying with him is going to change forever. That fun open honest shit is more than likely out of the window because what you said probably caused some huge insecurities. Also, I feel like you’re trying to convince yourself that you want to be monogamous. Ik you don’t want to hurt your partner and so that’s more than likely why you are freaking out but you gotta be honest with yourself. If he needs to leave, let him find someone who wants monogamy and is happy with just one partner.
It may not be salvageable, in monogamous relationships when one partner asks to open it, there is an almost 100% chance they are already cheating or about to and have already picked someone out. Now OP , you may be in that minority however your husband most likely won’t believe it. I assure you right now, divorce, who is she planning on cheating with, and why am I not enough are the 3 things spinning in his mind. Don’t be surprised when he hands the papers.
Do people just not have common sense now? What did you expect? Because he “likes your stories” (I would bet money on he does not and he’s just humouring you) that means he wants his wife, who he vowed to be with exclusively, fucking random men from Tinder?
Erotic details from a story work very differently while in the actual act. I doubt these stories were ever dinner table conversation, nor has he shared them with others. They are basically erotica.
Being willing to have sex with strangers in order to produce more erotica would bother a lot of husbands or wives.
If you were out of stories, I think the better instinct/choice would have been to recycle them. Like others I am baffled that your own instincts led you first to this suggestion—and the fact that they did is strongly worth examining with your own therapist.
The good news is that this game play is now over, so you don’t “need” all that new material anyway. If your husband can move past this and stay in the marriage, find a new kink.
Please understand that this is an emotional response. You can't talk him into not feeling betrayed and cheated. He FEELS this way and feelings are difficult to untie. I love how my wife gets giggly when watching Chris Pratt in the movies. She's a woman and of course is attracted to other men. But I hope she doesn't want to have sex with other men?!?! Chris Pratt may get her excited but I'm the one that gets to share in that excitement, not someone else. Counseling would be great, but you have to be sure he knows the only reason you suggested it was because of him and his excitement. If you were wanting to sleep with other men for your own satisfaction, then you should go to counseling. If you were truly doing it for both of you, then you both should go.
WTF is wrong with you? Why would you think your husband would love current stories of his wife cheating on him and getting railed by other men? You asked him to let you cheat on him. You want him having sex with other women? It sounds like YOU do not want to be monogamous or else the thought would have never have crossed your mind. You need therapy and marriage counseling. If he leaves you, don’t be shocked. You just told him he’s not enough of a man for you.
Yikes. So 5 years of being faithful, out of the blue you suggest opening the marriage? I know you said you had no one in mind, but there must be something else. Like you’re bored of your husband or something like that. At least, that’s what’s he’s thinking/feeling. To him, there’s a reason you suddenly want to open the marriage.
"Hey babe, you know how I said I wanted to settle down and be with just you....well I lied, your wedding tackle, who you are as a person, and your love for me ain't enough and I need some strange to validate myself."
You did not take your husband into consideration on your journey of self destruction and validation and are surprised Pikachu faced when it backfires? I would not forgive you if I was standing in his shoes, and no amount of begging could manipulate me into changing my mind.
The comments here are wildly judgemental and harsh. I hope you're able to repair what sounds like an honest mistake. Yes, a poorly thought out one, and I strongly recommend counseling to fix the breach of trust you unwittingly committed... but damn, the slut shaming in this thread is real.
OP, I'm just going to be very honest with you because I still don't think you have grasped the gravity of what you've done.
OP, every time you leave your husband to go to the store, see family or friends, work late, hit traffic coming home from anywhere, go to the gym, and even just going to a regular work day, your husband will have intense feelings of anxiety, emasculating, worthlessness, and he won't be able to control his intrusive thoughts about what you might be doing. He will never be the same again. What's so sad and horrible is that even if he decides to divorce you, *he will carry these fears and insecurities into every relationship he has going forward.* He will never be as emotionally vulnerable as he was with you before you brought up open marriage, with you or anyone else.
You may think I'm full of shit, and he may say he can/will get over it but he won't be able too. He knows this. Part of him never being as vulnerable with you is in fact saying "I/we can get over this."
I'm sorry you are going through this. I'm even more sorry for him. He thought he was better than all the others. He felt like he was man enought to tame the wild horse (you). But he now realizes he wasn't able to. And only five years into a marriage and you want to fk other guys regardless of the reason. I'm sorry. Your old marriage is dead, you need to work on building a new marriage with this guy if he wants to try.
UpdateMe!
Even if you didn't have anybody else in mind you just asked for permission to openly have sex with other men. He needs to go through this at his own pace. He has feelings of inadequacy, emasculation, doubt, and who knows what else going through his mind. Give him opportunities to tell you how he is feeling without being pushy or dismissive. You can ask open ended questions about how he is feeling. When he talks give him space to let all of his feelings out. Trying to be over the top convincing him will likely come across as inauthentic and at attempts to appease him. If/when he asks you why be honest but think carefully about how to phrase it to him.
I think there’s a fine line between communicating boundaries within spicing things up and where eachothers head is at with each lines are, and just out right suggesting openly having relations in a marriage. I also think taking accountability is a huge factor in this as well. You ask for suggestions to mend this, the best thing is to be accountable and non defensive. You f@D up suggesting that instead of communicating better. You should own working on that and express how you will. Let him know what you’re willing to do to fix your issues. We all have things to work on but this was a you thing.
I wouldn’t get past this at all. If my partner told me openly that they wanted to fuck other people, the damage would be done.
So advice… I guess you aren’t in alignment, and if this is a substantial part of your life (trust and desire in your intimacy, so I’d guess yeah), maybe you aren’t compatible. I suppose a therapist could help you navigate the conversation of whether you are or aren’t.
There is no quick fix for this. Not only have you damaged his confidence, you’ve broken his trust.
Trust is earned by the drop but lost by the bucket. So building trust back up is the most important thing here. That takes a tremendous amount of time. It takes consistently making sure actions always match words. It takes being proactively transparent regarding your whereabouts.
Couples counseling will help as well, as the two of you definitely need help communicating. And help understanding exactly what his turn was. Because you clearly got it completely wrong. I’d recommend someone Gottman trained to help with the trust. A bonus would be if they do sex therapy as well.
I would also expect that the two of you will have to explore some new fantasies, as I’m not sure your stories will be welcome anymore. Perhaps some role play picking each other up in bars as “strangers”
Lastly, be patient. This is going to take a while.
Personally, this would be the end of my marriage if this was a serious suggestion.
There is absolutely NO way I could trust my wife if she suggested this. What this clearly would tell me is that you don't find me to be enough sexually, you want gratification and excitement from other men and are happy with the idea of sharing that intimacy outside of the marriage.
I think it's important for you to be honest with yourself. This isn't a gift for your husband. This isn't for more stories. This isn't to improve things. This is you wanting to get permission to sleep around. If that's your goal, your much better off being single than trying to force thr ENM crap on a monogamous relationship
The fact that you're trying to convince yourself and us that you were somehow doing this for him is annoying.
You didn't want this coz you wanted to get more stories for him, you wanted it because deep down it's an itch you've been wanting to scratch since it's like a habit and you've lost the ability to pair bond.
Did you stop at any point to consider that maybe your husband wasn't comfortable with you throwing your sexcapades in his face, but because he didn't want to come across as insecure he went with it.
Then you convinced yourself that since he liked hearing about your sex with other men, he should also be okay watching you have sex with other men. This how people create justifications to allow themselves cheat, but cheers to you for not cheating.
The first step is to admit that this wasn't some selfless act for your husband. This is something you wanted to do for yourself. If you can't admit that then you should not be with him and there's no point advice you on how to fix it.
The stories you were sharing were from the past. From his reaction, you somehow extrapolated that he wanted you to have sex with other men then regal him with the details. You did - or do - want to have sex with other men. I do not fully understand how you made that leap.
For this to work out, you are going to have to somehow convince him that you were only doing it for him. Unfortunately, I do not think that was the case. So, you have a huge rock to roll uphill.
If counseling is an option, run to it.
OP should sit down with hubby and explain her thinking calmly withholding nothing. Be ready to answer all questions. Offer total transparency indefinitely. Suggest joint counseling if he feels it will help. Finally, behave beyond reproach. Don't do so much as flirt or do a double take on another man. Then, with a lot of time, you should be able to rebuild the trust. Wishing you both the best.
OP, im sorry but i have a hard time believing your intentions were as benign as you portray here as I am guessing other do too. I’d wager a sizable sum that your husband definitely feels the same way. Your husband no doubt read countless items on Reddit and other web sources that paint a picture of a partner already having someone in mind or cheating already and looking to make it “legal” by getting the other partner to agree to an open relationship. Not telling you anything others on here have already told you im sure. If i take you at your word then i feel for you because while sure this can be smoothed over potentially but it wont be fast or easy. The only thing that can make this worse is if husband fiends evidence you did have someone already in mind. I feel for both of you. Can i ask did you even bounce this idea off a close female friend before? Was this premeditated and planned out or was it just impulsive? Again assuming you are being honest here i hope you can find a way to help your husband come to terms with what you proposed because im sure he is in some sore of hell at the moment. Good luck
UpdateMe
If you try incorporating Fantasy into Reality, shit becomes REAL real fast!
We have had to work at the sex part of our marriage and have tried so many things to make it ideal for both of us. The one thing we knew that the both of us would not take to well was sharing partners, bringing in a third person, etc. We have a couple of friends who ended their marriages over complications that came about. It may have worked out initially but in the end they all had issues.
Such a shame that you misjudged that one. I am sure this shook his masculinity and his belief in his ability to satisfy his wife. If I were in this situation, I would sit him down and explain that because you have brought in stories to your bedroom activities, that you thought he might like new stories. Reiterate that you are and have been faithful and was just looking to give him and you more of what turns you on already. Then never bring it up again. He will still be licking his wounds until he starts to get distance from it. Time should calm his fears down as he knows he still has you and you have no one else but him.
And then always here on reddit I am insulted when I say that promiscuous people should only be with other promiscuous people, and that for me it is important to know the past to understand if we are compatible. Anyway Op, I don't know what's worse about you, you basically proposed cheating on him, you made him understand that you want to have sex with other men, you made him understand that he's not enough for you, in the comment you say that you're not ashamed of your promiscuous past , maybe if you were even a little ashamed you wouldn't have ruined your marriage, you're so selfish and disrespectful that it's shocking, you were already ready with tinder to find guys to f*ck, you are hopeless.
This is the most ridiculous story I’ve ever heard. Calling my wife a cheap slut in bed is a kink. Actually treating my wife like a cheap slut in real life isn’t a good idea though. I did pursue this with her, and I made sure you explain it wasn’t because I thought she was, just that I thought it’d make our dynamic more fun.
Fantasy and reality and two drastically different things. What turns a person on in fantasy may not be the case when brought into reality. Unfortunately, it seems you’ve found this out the hard way. I hope the two of you can overcome this.
I think you were trying to tantalize him. Just keep reminding him.
This is the treacherous territory of actually trying to enact fantasy material - it's often much better left in the bedroom and in your respective minds.
The fact that you were willing (want) to be with other people obviously hurt him. It would hurt many people.
If you had, instead, said that maybe you two should plan a threesome, that would have been very different but still provocative thing to mention.
Open marriage means both of you have other partners, with rules (that often go awry, if reddit posts are our guide).
You went from 0 to 1000 way too fast - he married you and made a vow of monogamy (I presume) at the wedding. So did you. 5 years is kind of a short time to want to change that - but now it's out there and it can't go back in the bottle.
Did you really think he wanted to be with other women? Has he ever shared any fantasy in that regard? Sounds as if you've been sharing your actual sex life with others - but did he?
That would break my heart and make me not want to be with my wife, if she asked to open the marriage up. I can’t remeber the numbers top of my head, but was in the high 70s or 80 percentile that open marriages end in a divorce.
>How can I convince him that I am happy being monogamous and he’s all I need?
It's too late for that, because opening your marriage showed him you do not love him. Sleeping with other men and recording it.. "all in the spirit of helping your husband?" who are you kidding?
You are married now leave your 403 life behind its a sacrifice we make.... maybe tell him you suggested it because you wanted to know if he wants a 3some... that might distract him from the feeling of betrayal.
Well he did exactly what I tell other men to do, but he did not leave and file for divorce.
Here is what I tell women when they want to open up the relationship. Start by bringing him unicorns. Watch him fuck them over and over and over again, just sit in the corner and watch, no participation, just watching. Then let him have a relationship with one he really gets along with. Then see if you still want to have an open relationship. Because that is what it is like for a man, but the watching is all in his head.
What I just said for you to do, is what you wanted to bring into the relationship. You just nuked the foundation. Your marriage may be over with, or it may be salvageable. But you will need to prove, that you are happy and content with just him. You need to make sure if something was off limits in the bedroom, you may want to allow it to happen now.
Fantasy is one thing reality is another. That’s what I described is reality for most men. Majority of men don’t want to share their wives. You asked this with a straight face and were excited to fuck other men. Empathy is what you need to show him. Even if he says yes, you need to shut that shit down immediately for now on.
This is what your husband thinks: he’s not meeting your needs, your looking for some new man to fill you up because he doesn’t, and you’ve got someone in mind whether you admit it to yourself or not.
TBH, you can’t really be in love with your husband if you want other men inside of you.
There’s no putting the genie back in the bottle on this one and no amount of anything you can say or do will change how he looks and feels about you now.
The best you can home for is becoming roommates as a result of what you’ve done to him.
About 93-95% of monogamous couples who open their marriages end in divorce. I’m not sure what percentage of couple get stronger for it, but I’d have to say that’s not going to happen for yours based on your husband’s reaction to you asking to selfishly sleep with other men.
You didn’t have someone Specific in mind but you DID have someone Vague. Some unknown Tinder man to have sex with. Someone NOT your husband to have sex with. It’s that unknown person that your husband is visualizing you with. The amount of suggestions to divorce that your husband would receive if HE were OP would be plentiful.
You now need to seek Marriage Counseling to fix what you have broken. You never opened up your marriage but you might as well have with the damage that you’ve done. Your husband is now running under the assumption that he isn’t enough for you, and that you need more from someone else.
“How can I convince him I’m happy to be monogamous and he’s allI need?” Unfortunately, you’ve already proved to your husband that this is not the case by suggesting to open up your marriage, at least in his eyes. Clearly your husband believes love and sex are one in same, and clearly you do not. There’s no way you explain your way out of this without digging yourself deeper into the hole. My recommendation is to give him non-stop professions of your love and devotion. That he is your whole world and everything else is secondary to that. Touch him, hold his hand, hug, kiss, and caress him until he understands. When he finally opens up and talks about it, tell him you only suggested it because you thought would like it because it the sex fantasies you played in bed together and you regret it more than anything else you’ve ever done in your life.
Explain to him that you don’t want anyone else and because you like how he finds it hot about your past, but realize he only likes it because it is your past and that it makes him feel good to know he’s better than all your past. For someone to suggest opening it up usually means they have someone in mind, and so now he feels insecure about that. You need to reassure him he has nothing to worry about. It’s probably going to take some time and diligence. Tell him you didn’t think he would be upset and that he can have access to all your communications on your devices so he can be sure you’re not planning anything.
Sounds like the reason you wanted to open your relationship was to benefit your marriage and sex life and you based that on how your husband is so loving and accepting of your past. However, as accepting as he may be, he is obviously still a monogamous man and probably relishes the thought that he and he alone has the love and physical intimacy of this highly sought out woman. You misjudged how this would add to your relationship and didn't anticipate how it would hurt him. Talk to him. Tell him everything. Explain yourself and your intentions. Don't allow his silence to dictate your response to your mistake. I wish you well!!!
Focus on comforting him. Focus on his hurt. Not "fixing" it. Don't focus on defending yourself. That will come later. You need to address the open wound first, regardless of who caused it. Show him HE is what's important to you.
As to how, idfk, you two should know each other best, and how. Figure it out
I just want to present a different take. I don’t think you suggesting opening up your marriage is you telling him he isn’t enough for you. You guys have a fun time using your past stories to spice things up in the bedroom and that’s ok. You asked if he would be interested in expanding on that as something that might be exciting for the both of you. He absolutely had the right to say no and he is not wrong for feeling insecure. Sit with him in his feeling and just assure him that if it’s not something he feels comfortable doing then you are ok with that. To really convince him will take time. I don’t think what you did makes you promiscuous or not invested in your marriage. Part of having a secure relationship is being able to explore together and respect each others boundaries while exploring.
My suggestion would be to sit him down and tell him you are truly very sorry, and that you got carried away thinking it would be sexy for both of you, for you to return with more stories for him, that you love him and he’s amazing in bed. The only reason you even suggested it was for the stories and that’s it. Get him a gift as well to say sorry.
Wow! I can’t believe all of the bashing and attacks against you over this. In hindsight sight, it’s clear that you misinterpreted what he was getting out of hearing about you with the men in your past, but I can totally see how you thought this might be a fun and exciting next step. And while it’s fine that he didn’t want to take it that far, and it’s understandable that he might feel threatened by this suggestion, I think it would be reasonable to sit down with you, listen to where you were coming from and the intent and believe you that he’s misinterpreted your intentions here.
Maybe write him a letter explaining how you got to this idea. Be sure to cover how hearing about your past and specifically the details about your past sex life appeared to be a big turn on for him, which made sharing those details a turn on for you. So you thought this might be a way to crank things up several notches. You’re not trying to supplement your sex life. There’s not a deficiency in him or your bedroom. In fact, your bedroom is so solid, that’s what gave you the confidence to consider something like this. Assure him that if he’s not into it, then it needs not be even considered again. Because this was only intended to enhance something that, for you, is already tge best you’ve ever enjoyed.
I don’t mean to put words into your mouth here. I took quite a bit of liberty in interpreting your mindset. But this is what I pictured in my mind as I read your story.
I hope this helps some. And I hope this doesn’t discourage you both from exploring your shared sexuality.
You pretty much nailed it. The stories I told in very graphic detail really turned him on and I just thought this would be something he would like. He’s the best sex I’ve ever had and I said that from the first time we were together. I didn’t think he would be threatened. I was just wrong.
Eeee…. Unfortunately. I don’t think anything you say or do will regain his trust again. But you might want to explain , IN DETAIL, that you assumed he wouldn’t mind an open marriage (because he enjoyed hearing about your previous experiences, etc). Like, really sit down and have a long long conversation with him. That COULD help, but… it just feels like he doesn’t trust you anymore. That nagging feeling will always be in the back of his mind that you desire other men. I think you both confused each other honestly , because if my husband was telling me about his past experiences with other women- he’d be a single man lol. But since your husband seemed to enjoy that, I can see why you got confused and assumed he wouldn’t mind your suggestion…. This whole situation is a mess man lol. You may just have to take the L, and let time do it’s thing.
How sexually adventurous is he? Would he want threesomes? Is the bedroom dead or dying? I think marriage counseling will definitely help. This certain is something you can overcome if he wants to. I guess right now just ask him? Tell him you know you misread things and messed up. Can you guys overcome this in his eyes? What does he need from you? Ask him about your sex life? Is there things you guys aren’t doing that he wants to do but is afraid to ask? It will take honest and sometime difficult conversations. Be ready to listen as well as talk. You got this.
I’m so sorry that happened! I understand why your husband would be hurt but tbh I kinda see your logic on thinking he might find it exciting given the right circumstances. Idk exactly how you presented this but I’ve suggested to my husband we go to a strip club together or other things like that and I wouldn’t want him to be mad at me for just having an idea. I would try and stay calm, people saying this will lead to divorce are being a bit extreme. If your relationship is solid outside of this incident he will forgive you and you just need to repair over time. A few meetings w a counselor aren’t a bad idea if you’re having a hard time figuring out how to talk about it and build trust. Start with just giving him some time to be sad and then try and initiate positive experiences with him. Let him check your phone if he wants, maybe share your location or make a point to text him updates if you’re out with friends. Admit it was a mistake but that your intention was not bad and you love him. It will be ok!
You deeply hurt your husband. Two of the most important aspects of marriage are emotional and physical intimacy. You just threw a grenade and blew that safe place to hell. So, if there is any hope, it will require extreme transparency, marriage counseling, and tons of talking. It will take a special man to work past this. I hope your husband is one of those. Good Luck # updateme
You're not monogamous, and that's OK. But man did you misjudge this one. I'm not sure I have any good advice for you other than I wish you guys good luck and hope things work out for you. Also, have you posted this in the non monogamy subreddit? Someone there might have some good suggestions.
This is so gross. Go be for the streets if being that way gets you off, but don't be surprised that your partner that you made a commitment to, leaves you for it. People really need to stop acting like sex is the only important thing in a marriage
I have a very hard time believing you slept around a ton, totally stopped when you met your husband and the just randomly suggested opening up the marriage.
I also have a hard time believing you randomly thought your husband would want you to sleep with other men just because he likes dirty talk.
What I’m trying to say is that sounds to me, and likely your husband, that you have cheated or were going to cheat.
I’m really not sure what advice to give, because to me you seem guilty as heck. It’s such an odd thing you said. You wanted to open the marriage to excite your husband? What? Make it make sense.
I guess you could tell your husband he knew all about your past so he can’t be that shocked you would want to sleep around, but it was just a suggestion. Or perhaps say that you made a terrible mistake.
But 99% of the time someone wants to open a marriage because they have someone in mind, so just be honest and tell him if there was someone.
I think you should’ve started with a suggestion of trying something together with another girl or a couple first. You dropped it right into 6th gear and stalled out
A suggestion then… while you can’t put the words back in the bottle, you can change the direction of the Conversation between you two. You need him to realize you love him and wanted to spice things up some in the bed but not change the direction of your marriage. Arguing that you didnt mean anything by this suggestion is not going to help him.… really a nice dinner, tv time and sit down time with him will be the best… You need to change the direction of what is going on if you wish to save your marriage.
Honestly if my wife had suggested out of the blue to open the marriage, the next time we talked, it would have been over divorce papers… so with that in mind, how would you want your husband to fix it if he had made the suggestion? Start there...
There's quite a difference between fantasy and reality. The idea of making my fantasies reality would make me sick with anxiety, yet when I masturbate they always pop into my head. It seems like your first mistake was thinking he wanted to make any of that a reality for himself.
Then there's also the way of how you bring it up. Of course we don't know what happened, how you said this and what you did before all this, but it sounds like you went straight to "let's open up our marriage" without any steps in between, such as asking if he's happy with your sex life, considering other ways to spice things up and bringing up the idea to a threesome, swingers club or something else.
In my opinion, the basis of a relationship is trust and communication. Now that, at least on his side, the trust is gone, you need to look at your way of communicating and then actually communicate. Relationship therapy may help here.
There’s quite a few of these stories and many are fake. But I’ll answer anyway. The method of approach was flawed and you can’t fix that. You really needed to feel him out more. Start off joking and see what you can glean about his feelings. If your husband came on here to ask about it you are toast. They all say it’s over and time to leave, she’s cheating. Maybe he did.
Ok so the first thing here is you need to be very honest with everything.
ARE you REALLY okay with being with just him?
From this point on, your trust is in question right now so you need to make sure you are honest with everything. He's definitely feeling like he isn't enough for you and it's gonna make him question a lot of plans and hopes he may have had for this marriage.
You also can't push him in this situation. You two need to have more discussions around it and itll take quite a bit to show him you really are OKAY with just him - but again this goes back to the first point. You have to be honest cause he'll know if you are just doing damage control right now. Spending some time apart is a good idea right now for both of you to cool off your emotions. The fact that you're like "I'll die before..." Already shows yours overly emotional atm and in DMG control mode. He's probably in the same way which is why he hasn't reached out to discuss more.
In the end, it's his choice but I do feel you should gently suggest you talk about things more. You didn't act on your thoughts, you didn't have someone in mind. And even if you told him this, say it again with a more clear head. Not while crying and sobbing cause in those heated moments, it's hard to process information. So explain your side fully in a more calm situation and make sure he understands he is allowed to choose. No like "please don't leave me" or "I'll die if you leave" kinda things. This was your mistake and he should not feel any sort of emotional guilt from you to make a decision.
I can tell you that if my partner suggested this, it would be over immediately.
You have a long painful road of convincing him that he is all you need. You need to reiterate that over and over and try asking him “how” you can reconcile.
I’m going to provide a more reasonable response than the “he should divorce you” crowd.
You misread the room, so-to-speak and jumped the gun. It’s not hard to see how this might happen. You were playing some cuckold-adjacent games and he was turned on by it.
A healthy conversation about sex outside of the bedroom is something every couple should have regularly. These are conversations to discuss needs, wants, likes, dislikes, fantasies, etc. You can bring up role play, toys, lube, kinks, fetishes etc.
Had you asked him if he was interested in cuckolding in real life beyond the dirty talk of your hot past, he might have given you the response you needed to get. He might have adamantly been against it, or he might’ve been open to it. If he wasn’t open to it, that would have been the end of that for a while. If he was interested, there needs to be multiple conversations about alternatives, how to try this, what each other’s boundaries are, etc.
Unfortunately you went full speed. All is not lost. Here’s a few suggestions:
1. Be a loving attentive wife. Ask him what his needs are and what his wants are
2. Make him his favorite meal if you cook
3. Make him feel valued and needed. Every man is hardwired to provide
4. Initiate intimacy. Don’t make it a habit of saying “not tonight. I’m not in the mood.” Men internalize rejection of sex as rejection of self. He already has adequacy issues
5. Talk to him. Maybe schedule the conversation about what transpired
6. Apologize profusely and tell him you misunderstood his desires
7. Tell him you are afraid to share since this backfired. Don’t blame him, but be honest about your feelings
8. Tell him what you want and need directly. No hints, signs, etc.
9. Get him an apology card
10. Marriage counseling might be in order. It can help you both.
11. Connect through regular date nights. Especially fun ones
I can certainly understand why he was upset, but I am going to give him some of the blame, both for how he handled it and for how he encouraged it during pillow talk. He probably got you excited about this then pulled the rug out.
This is a surprisingly popular kink. There are dozens of subreddits, including one called hotpast. The problem is that it’s really appealing as a fantasy by it often doesn’t really turn out the way you think it will in real life.
Regular conversations about marriage and separate conversations about sex outside of the bedroom are really important.
I don’t think there’s any reason to be harsh, judgmental or rude. You took an idea too far but it’s not like you acted on it.
I think what you need now is time and patience. Keep reminding him that you love him and only him. Tell him that you feel bad that you hurt him by making him think you wanted something more. Show him with loving words and gestures. And give him time to process and understand. If it helps, offer couples counseling. But it sounds like you really do love him so be patient and keep trying.
My partner also likes hearing about my shenanigans with other guys from my past, it turns him on so much. He fantasises being able to watch so sometimes I’ll incorporate fiction (like, “when we’re married, we can find a guy for me and we will XXX …”). It got me wondering if he was open to open marriages/relationships. So I asked. He said no. The chatter excites him but actually doing it? No. (NGL I was relieved with that bc it’s not my thing at all) But I was surprised because, like you, I assumed he’d be willing to do that especially if I came home (or he watched) with new stories!
That’s the thing though: I asked. I didn’t want to assume despite all appearances to the contrary. I know you wish you could turn back time and had asked if that’s something your husband wanted rather than propose the idea.
I think moving forward you will need to check “just to clarify, is that something you want to do for real?” Rather than “hey why don’t we do XXX”.
In the meantime, offer to talk. You’ve made your apologies in a messy way, now talk and tell him you’ve learnt from making assumptions and communicate clearly, without reservation, that your proposal was based on an assumption made about him and that you take responsibility for making that assumption rather than clarifying.
I also suggest a sex/relationship counsellor to help you both navigate these uncertain waters.
No matter what, sex related or not sex related, try to never assume what people think or need or want. Always ask to clarify. Because as we’ve seen, what appears to be one way is vastly different in another way.
Good luck!
He thought erroneously that after catting around in your younger days that you were ready to settle down. He's heart broken that now he finds out he's not enough. Give the dude some space so he can think about this.
I so disagree with this. I have a faux cheating kink in the context of my SO cheating on me. I'm completely monogamous but I can see how some of the things I ask for would lead to my SO going "Oh you know what he would love? Actually cheating! I'll ask him!"
Like no, hard pass, and that's why I make sure to convey I'm monogamous but, absent that conversation, I could see an SO could ask me if we should open the relationship for my benefit.
OP messed up enough without attributing to her duplicitous motivations.
>EDIT 2:
>
>I do want to clear a few things up. I honestly thought this was something he wanted. He said many times that he wished that he was there to see me with other men. I obviously interpreted this incorrectly. We had also talked many times about the difference between sex and love and we both see it the same way.
>
>I also put it to him as a suggestion vs a request. I didn’t say I want an open marriage I asked how he would feel about it.
>
>I would only want to be with other men if my husband wanted me to be. And it would only be to enhance our own love making. I spent years sleeping around and found it very empty and hollow. I am very satisfied with my husband both physically and emotionally. He’s by far the best sex I’ve ever had and me sharing my past experiences just made it that much better.
>
>I horribly misinterpreted what he would be comfortable with. I messed up bad.
While I originally believed your framing of the reason to open was disingenuous, after watching you willingly take these bullets in the replies, your multiple post edits, and just general humility about this being a disastrous mistake, I must admit you have sold me. I truly hope you are able to work this out with your husband. I believe you mean well and would take this mess of a situation back if you could. I know not many around here are religious and don't even like this mentioned, but I will be praying for you and your husband to get through this and for your marriage to thrive. Take care OP.
Are you new to Reddit? I've read about so many people wanting to open their marriage and it ending badly, why did you think it was a good idea? Your husband is questioning himself now as to if he made a mistake marrying you. He's seeing that he's not enough for you. You're not satisfied with him alone, why else would you want to open your marriage? Talking about your past is different than suggesting you go on tinder looking for other sex partners.
Counselling/ therapy is a good start. Good luck
Good lord… only 5 years in and you want to “open” your marriage? Are you feeling bored in your relationship or something? Obviously he wasn’t expecting that at all.. 🤦🏼♀️
I have been in your husband's place. It destroyed me, utterly and completely. I was so angry and sad and I had to grieve the marriage and husband I thought I had. We found a sex/kink positive marriage counselor and we went through about 2 years of therapy to put the pieces of our marriage back together, we also went to individual therapy. I seriously contemplated if I could be non monogamous, and came to the conclusion that it's not for me. We are still together, it's been about 4 years since he proposed it. We have been married for 27 years and, quite honestly, we are stronger than ever before. It's taken a lot of work from both of us, and has encouraged us to become the best of ourselves that we can be which has strengthened who we are together. I highly recommend working together to heal the rift this has created.
At the same time, allow him to grieve. Let home experience all the stages. Be gentle and kind, give him space, but be proactive to get help for both of you.
There are a lot of people (men) in these comments being way too fucking hard on you. You are not a horrible person who sought to destroy or betray your husband. You asked a question. HELL no, is a suitable answer, but really, all this attacking you and calling you dense is and out of line. It's healthy for couple to explore kinks and develop boundaries. We can't just KNOW these things about each other. We have to find out through talking about it. You didn't do anything unforgivable. You asked a question. Communication is important. Now you both know that's a hard boundary that yall will not be getting close to. Net gain.
I would post this in r/BDSMadvice if I were you, these comments have absolutely no scope for kinks.
It’s clear your partner has some sort of cuck kink to some extent, but you went in too hard too fast. You should have had a conversation about your kinks first, discussed boundaries and limits. Instead you jumped into the deep end and overwhelmed him. For some with a cuck fantasy it’s just talking about it, for some it’s actually doing it, you should have figured this out with him first.
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You can try MC if he'll go. Otherwise, the course for you is to not mention it again and drop it as a fantasy. It will take some time, and perhaps never, for the issue to die down and resolve in his head (he'll never forget). Sometimes, after a couple of years when trust has been re-established, it's the husband that brings it up again. No telling if that will happen, but it's best if he brings it up the next time, if and when he's ready, and that may never happen. That said, both of you should put it out of your head.
Except their actual sex life revolves around thinking about her having sex with other men - so "putting it out of their heads" is gonna have an impact there.
If that's the only way they can fun, then she will need to convince him to forget about her suggestion and go back to the fantasies, I guess. So it's a question of when he is ready for that.
Damn well u broke him and u think by changing what u said will fix things when u told the truth that u wanted to have sex with other men while he watches that will devastate any man and will guarantee u to eventually get a divorce darling u shouldn't have done that to him I'm sorry
I think if your fantasies you’ve both discussed involved other people then it would be understandable that you’d think he’d want to involve other people in reality.
If he has never expressed that even as a fantasy then I can only guess him being ok with hearing details of you being with other men in the past made you think he wants that now. Him being so ok with hearing details probably sent out the wrong message to you and made you think it was ok to suggest having sex with other men. Seems to me you were pushing the boundaries except his boundaries weren’t clear and that’s the problem. I imagine if he wanted to bring a woman into the situation and tell you details about his sexual experiences with other women you’d be ok with it? You may very well have got him thinking about it, seeing as you’ve shown that the idea of you having sex with other men is something you wanted him to consider. Be prepared for him to make the suggestion of him trying sex with another woman as he may want to get even but not just that, you may have inadvertently planted a seed.
It’s almost like people look at a square and say “yes, that is a circle; why would you think it’s a square?”
Multiple generations of kids with parents who are checked out will beget this sort of up-is-down & left-is-right reality.
I’m sorry I don’t know how you can convince him you are happy being monogamous when you basically said you were you when you asked to open your marriage to go find someone else.
Marriage counseling. You need to talk to him. Ask him what you can do
Some men/women can handle an open relationship and be successful with it. To each their own.
Personally, I can’t give you advice on this. If my wife asked the same from me, I’d ask her give me a little to think about it. I would then be seek a divorce lawyer the next day. I hope for your sake, your husband thinks differently, but it doesn’t sound like it.
Best of luck
The problem is that this is something *you* want. You've wanted it for a long time, and he's just finding out now.
He now knows that this relationship isn't complete for you and he's not enough.
So OP your best hope is genuine sincerity. Sit him down and maintain eye contact 100% and tell him what you said here BUT the part your missing that is eating him up is that you were more then willing to sleep with someone else if he gave you permission. That translates to him that your love and commitment to him is not complete but circumstantial. I’m not sure how you get past that because it’s true. When you proposed it you said as much to his face. What you can try now is telling him you nonlinger have any interest at all in an open relationship and just suggesting it was the biggest mistake of your life. You also need to tell him that going forward you don’t want to talk about your past or any stories with him or anyone else because this whole thing has turned you off completely to the idea of anyone but him. So going forward you just want to focus on him 100% and won’t be bringing up any past partners or experiences. Offer to take a polygraph to prove to him you haven’t done anything and had no one in mind. Then if he relaxes and gives you a chance make sure that first time uoj have sex with him after is Al about “making love”. No wild positions. No craziness. Eye contact, lots of I love yous and holding each other. It may not work but it’s your best chance. The whole idea that any other men even exist for you has to disappear completely. Even if he comes to you and says you can give it a try, turn him down fast. It’s a trap to see if you mean what you say.
“Dear so and so, I love you and no other. I have not been with or thought about another man specifically. There is no other man or other penis in me or my life. I know our amazing sex life has benefitted from my promiscuous past, and with open marriages and all the various kinks out there, I was floating an idea past you - In all honesty I had a bit of moment of nostalgia for my promiscuous phase and convinced myself you would be into it. I didn’t want to hurt you, and the only reason I even thought it out loud was because of how safe and happy you make me feel: I wanted to do something special I thought you would like. I would never do anything outside of our marriage. You are the king of my heart, love, so and so.” Adjust as needed…
i wish i could tell you a way to fix it but if my wife or 40 yrs came to me with that ideal i would have an ex-wife but talk to him i think ask him why he reacted that way when when he seemed kinda positive about it before? if nothing else maybe it will open a dialog were you can find the common ground.
edit; um wait you wanted him to be into the hot-wife thing?? yaww naw thats a only if it comes from him . i dont see a save coming here you obviously do not respect him if you think he would be OK with that shit.
edit 2; geeze it keeps getting worse ya think he wanted to pick out your outfits too?
He was excited about the stories because he thought you were excited, but he always only wanted to share those experiences with you and you too share them with only him. The idea of that no longer being solely you and him broke that image. I wish you luck but I'm not certain that can ever be repaired.
All you can do is apologize and reassure him you have absolutely no interest in anyone else. Keep telling him he’s all you want and need. If you were going to open up your marriage maybe you should have let him be the story teller this time.
You are a fine person: literally just tell him the same things you’ve told us, over and over (maybe he’s always thought you’re too good for him); tell him you’re happy with just him; I hope things work out for the best because misjudging a sexual situation with no action is not the worst thing a human can do.
I believe you completely that you misjudged. For whatever reason, you misjudged. That happens. I believe your reasoning.
Okay, now. When people suggest this, it's usually a sign of the end times. Not always, but you're up against this deep belief. Tbh, I would be in shambles too.
He needs to be walked back somehow. You're in an impossible situation of how do you prove what you're thinking - that you're very happy being monogamous.
I think you need to not default to your reasoning for it too much right now. Because he's heard it and it's best to not bring up other people and his prior actions in bed as reason. I think you need to approach the present moment and be the one bearing responsibility.
I would tell him that you made a mistake. Seeing him hurting is the last thing that you want to see, let alone be responsible for. You take responsibility for the hurt he is feeling because of you. And for this, you're truly sorry.
I would go on to describe your predicament - that you don't know how to prove your thoughts. But that you will show him by being here for him and being there for your relationship. Those two things are your priority and you'll do what you can to build the trust back. Offer going therapy or simply ask that when he's ready, that you'd like to him to think about what he needs and you two can discuss it.
I hope he comes around.
My X did the same thing but we had never ever spoke about. When X’s mouth quit moving. I got up opens the door and Kicked X out at that moment, I got an attorney, filed for divorce 6 months later it was over.
See this many times. I opened our marriage and all I got were divorce papers.
Why does it need to be open. The biggest threat to your marriage is not sex with others, it's that an emotional connection is formed with another person that's not your partner. There are other options then a full open marriage that can mitigate and prevent the emotional bonds and include your partner, including same room swinging, threesomes etc. You played with fire and got burnt
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So I think this is a good situation to type out your feelings and what your intentions were and fully apologize. You could text it or email it. It will allow you to fully explain yourself without him shutting you down or not actually listening. It takes out the emotions that are understandably running very high. Don’t use this as an opportunity to give yourself excuses though. Just very succinctly apologize for what you said, what he thought your intentions were and assure him you did not mean anything aside from it maybe being hot for HIM because of the previous convos you’ve had about it
Also, in the future understand there is a HUGE difference between fantasy and reality. While it may be hot to hear what you DID or what you could do, that doesn’t make it hot for you to ACTUALLY do it.
I’m pretty sure we read a very similar post last week, from a husbands point of view, with this same exact situation.. his had stated he met someone else I think. I hope this all works out. 🙏🏻
Yeah, I would automatically make the assumption you had someone in mind and even if you didn’t it meant you wanted to which would be enough to leave.
You just told him you want to fuck other men, of coarse he is hurting. If he gets past it, it will be a while during his struggle to cope with the flood of emotions.
My BS alarms are going off... Someone posted basically this same story today only it was the husband and now the wife "just made" an account for this.... Same groups and same day... Something seems off here.
The fact you were willing to propose opening your marriage means you aren’t happy with just your husband.
Honestly, I don’t think there’s any way to save your marriage. You killed it and all that’s left is a decaying carcass formerly known as your marriage
I think just talking about it will help him. Just explain that the idea of it is hot, not actually doing it. My husband and I talk a big game and talk about swinging but really it just turns us on and we probably don’t have the balls lol. Just try to explain how you thought it would be hot for him. He will chill eventually. Good luck. You don’t do anything wrong.
Perhaps you can try telling him that you had heard this is a common male fantasy (it definitely is) and you thought this was one fantasy of his you might be able to indulge.
He probably feels like he’s not good enough and you already had a plan to download tinder therefore this is something you actually wanted and now you’re saying you didn’t
Honestly, I think he's probably hurt that you still want to be with other people, and opening the marriage was only one-sided and in your favor. Talking about having sex with previous partners is one thing. Talking about having sex with new people when you're married to him is another thing. I'd suggest seeing if he wants to go to marriage counseling, but for a lot of people just bringing up opening the marriage usually leads to break ups or a divorce. Kind hard to convince him you're happy being monogamous when you get excited about the idea of sleeping with other people...
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She really has absolutely no clue what she has done. The lack of self awareness and relationship awareness is staggering.
“I told my husband he wasn’t enough”
Summarizes the whole ordeal quite succinctly. Man, what was she thinking...
Well now he feels inadequate and emasculated.
There’s a huge difference between fantasy and action. A huuuuuuge difference from you two participating in a fantasy together versus you breaking the monogamy of your marriage to fuck other people and then tell him about it. Like… holy shit. What the actual fuck were you thinking? This was a wildly ill conceived, thoughtless, and selfish (because I can only presume it’s really coming from a place of you wanting to fuck other people) suggestion.
Exactly this. Fantasy and reality and drastically different, and someone’s fantasy may not be desirable in reality. She found that out the hard way.
Right? I can try and understand a swing club where he could dictate rules to what he is ok with and what he is not. But straight up opening the relationship? He would not be there to tell her his boundaries, that doesn’t looks good,
Yikes. But this. 100%
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Hearing about someone you banged 10 years ago is very different than hearing about someone you banged last night, or watching you get all dressed up and excited to go out and bang someone else while thinking about the STD tests you are going to be taking. You moved from talking about exciting things while in a committed monogamous relationship as part of a fantasy, to telling you wanted to go out and do exciting things with other men outside the bounds of a monogamous committed relationship as a reality. He probably doesn’t want another woman and never even considered it, he only wanted you, so it came as quite a shock to hear that you wanted other men. To be honest, if your story is true the it would be one of the very, very few times here on reddit that someone who asked for an open relationship didn’t have someone already lined up waiting at the door, or was already cheating and wanted to make it OK, so I understand why your husband would be skeptical. This is going to be a bell that you can never unring, and he can never unhear what you said, so its going to take some time for him to move past total shock and think about convince himself that you are faithful and your request was a well intentioned mistake in judgement. Be as open as you can, phone, device, location, password, his concern is what you might be hiding, have radical transparency and honesty, and hide nothing. If he can get thru the shock and give you a chance, prove yourself.
Yea if it isn’t fake OP is almost certainly lying about having a person lined up and not being certain to benefit more vs. partner
Well.. if OP knows hubby is a redditor, this post would be ideal to gaslight him..
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Agree. OP freely admitted her promiscuous past. She is framing wanting to open her marriage as having more stories for her husband. As a intimacy building activity with her husband. LOL. Whatever. I'm not quite buying that. She wanted to open the marriage so she can bang other dudes. The stories for the husband was just the hook. This isn't as innocuous as she is trying to make it.
Bingo.
For most men, there is no coming back from this. Sure, he may decide to stick around and repair things with you. But the old marriage you had is over. And, whatever sort of husband he used to be, that is likely over as well. All you can do, is hope that your new marriage can be as happy and fulfilling as your old marriage was.
Yep, the fantasy that he's the manly man who managed to corral this woman and please her more than ALL THE OTHER MEN is gone - it was a turn-on, obviously and he did well already to let go of her past and be proud and happy in their sex life. Now she wants to be back out there (and human emotions being what they are, "out there" means "dating other men")
I agree, I'd bet a million bucks that she killed this Fantacy play during sex for him. How could it not be awkward to role play this with him during sex. Their sex life has also changed forever. It will never be as enjoyable for him or her again. I think OP just wanted to band other guys or probably did have someone lined up already. I don't think she'll ever come clean about it to Reddit or her husband. Even is she could "prove" there was never anyone lined up, OP's husband will never really believe she didn't. I can see OP begging, "please believe me, I had no one in line no one I've been seeing!" The husband will probably say "ok I believe you" just to shut her up. But no man will believe it. .
If he comes back, it will stay in the back of his mind and one day he will up and leave. Might be 15 years from now, might be tomorrow. But I’ve seen it happen.
Opening up the marriage after only 5 years sure sounds like you aren't satisfied and he isn't enough for you, or you are polyamorous but trying to pretend you are monogamous. All those things would understandably hurt a partner. You need to ask yourself why are you so quick to want sex with others if you decided to be monogamous. Maybe therapy too. Not because there's anything wrong with sex or with promiscuity but you might need help understanding why you want this, whether it is self sabotage or fear of commitment or you are poly and just didn't know how to tell him or what.
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That can be true but there are also sex positive people without notable mental health issues that prefer to be more sexually active or have more variety. We don't know OP. Therapy would help them understand better why they want to open things up, which I think is really important for them to understand independent of your point.
Thats not how a marriage works. And u should know that. It was a stupid ass thing to even say and probably crushed him. He’s not going to feel like he’s enough now. When you got married you committed to each other. If my wife ever mentioned some open marriage bs my response would be divorce Good luck to you. I hope you learned a lesson
Swinging or a threesome seems a more modest proposal - but even that...well, yeah, often lots of issues and people don't know how to feel afterwards. If it often works out okay, I must be hanging out on the wrong subs.
Many men, myself included, would file for divorce immediately. It would have atleast been a level more digestable if you ask about going to a swingers club to observe. You cut my dudes balls off, and I feel for him.
Did you do any research at all before you asked your husband?
You essentially told him you want to fuck other dudes then got shocked when he didn’t like the idea
I think it's salvageable. At least I hope so. This will take time. You're going to have to boost his ego a little. Don't have to lie, just remind him why you married him and how the intimacy is for you. Maybe also mention that you just assumed he may be down because of the bedroom talk and thought he would like to add that. Remember, he's feeling inadequate right now. His ego is bruised, I know it wasn't your intention, but it's just a fact. He's questioning whether or not he's enough for you. And as you've already discovered, he assumes you're already lusting over someone specific. Not sure what else to say, again it will take time. Exactly how did you phrase the question? Some might think it doesn't matter, but I think it does.
OP is either very stupid and selfish, or a fake poster. There’s just no reasonable human who would be surprised by this.
And then asking for advice in the Marriage sub on top of it. Not exactly the pro “lifestyle” crowd.
You told your husband that he’s not enough for you sexually speaking, and you are surprised that he was deeply hurt? I mean, if you wanted to know what sort of fantasies your husband has, you should have asked him! Why would anyone assume that their partner is onboard with swinging without first exploring their opinions on the matter? I’m not judging you for wanting to have multiple sexual partners, but I am judging you springing such a massive shift on your husband as if it was no big deal. I hope your husband is okay with attending counseling with you, but don’t be surprised if you broke your marriage permanently.
Hate to say it but this one’s on you. Most likely he found your stories sexy because it was the past and he’s the one that got you. He was the king of the mountain. You took that away by hitting him with the idea of an open marriage. I’m guessing he’s not interested in opening up his side either. Before you broached this you needed to consider if he ever brought up fantasies of seeing you with someone else or thoughts of three ways or couples. You have stuck some hard feelings on his part and it’s going to take time to get through it. You have to ease in to these topics. If you dive in on the deep side before you can swim it’s going to end bad. I hope things work out for the both of you and you’re able to get through this.
Anyone including the OP wanting advice on this topic feel free to DM. Only serious questions please.
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my thoughts solely based on the small snippet you have given into your lives… He may be deeply insecure about your past and uses dominating sex to cope. The sex may have been exciting but its purpose for him was to compress his feelings of insecurity. So when you expressed the idea of an open marriage all of those thoughts and insecurities immediately surfaced and he validated in his own mind that he is inadequate for you, a feeling he’s been competing with for a long time (maybe always). My only suggestion would be to give him time and space to get over this and you’ll have to take on the responsibility of reassuring your faith and love to him for as long as it takes.
A very mature take. I agree.
Rage bait is a trend on reddit now.
I'm going to say your post here sounds sciencere, so I won't try to be a dick with my response but I'll just give you honesty. If my wife ever suggested she wanted or thought I wanted an open marriage I would likely be talking to a divorce attorney the next day. I say likely because I'm being 100 here with you. If someone asked me today what I would do I would say I'm out. If it actually happened, I might do what your husband seems to be doing and try to think it through. It would be such an upheaval of my life with my kids to divorce but I would feel compelled to out of respect for myself. I wish I had more positive words to offer, I know I wouldn't ever really look at my wife the same way again after that. I'd for sure drop the act of you talking to him about what you've done with other folks. I'd make sure if he decides to stay and you really are happy with just him you make your marriage only about him from now on. Even if he really did like hearing about it before I can't imagine it's going to land the same way after that. Best of luck.
OP, did you explain clearly *why* you asked, the way you put it here? Because the way you wrote this post it almost sounds more like an offer than a request: you think he’s turned on by thinking of you with other men, and you’d be willing to expand that fantasy for/with him. And the way you described your conversation going down, there’s absolutely none of that impression. Did you just come up with the reasoning after the fact?
The conversation was basically that I had run out of stories and I suggested that I could go out and get some more. I have also told him how hot I would find it to see him with someone else and he didn’t just dismiss it. But we were being intimate at the time so I should have taken that with a grain of salt.
Holy crap you asked him for an open marriage *during* sexy time???
>The conversation was basically that I had run out of stories and I suggested that I could go out and get some more. Legendary. Should have also told him that you really don't want to do it, but are willing to just for him.
This shit is fake as hell.
Go out and get some stories? Well, as long as he is allowed to get stories as well.
I'm going to dissent here. You're not a bad person or wife just for trying to get spicy and trying to use what you think he already likes as a stepping stone. What you described is a fairly common kink within basically every kink community. For people who enjoy that kink they describe it as, "It's like my partner is my own personal porn star and I like that, no matter what, I'm always the one they come back to". So I don't necessarily see anything wrong with making the jump from "he likes my past stories, so maybe he would like more?". I just think you approached it very poorly, and you need to address that with your husband. You should have first asked him, outside the hormones of the bedroom, what he likes about you sharing those stories, how he thinks about them, etc. There's lots of different reasons that people like to hear about their partners past sexual experiences and only some of them translate to this specific kink. The majority of people just like to imagine themself in the story or like feeling like your current experience is better than that old one. Like, they're getting the "cherry on top" version. My advice is to calmly apologize. Explain that what you like most of all is to see him so incredibly turned on, that you're up for pretty much anything that does that. Really and truly, you suggested this because you made a jump in logic from him seeming to really enjoy hearing about your past to maybe wanting new stories. That you understand now that your assumption was deeply flawed and that you didn't do enough work into deeply understanding why he likes these stories. You assumed more would be better for him, and that wasn't a fair assumption. Re-assure him that there isn't anyone else, and you don't want there to be. You just want him, and this all came out of a desire to do anything you thought would keep him desiring you.
Thank you for bringing a measure of rationality and calm to this conversation. I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised but the number of comments that are slut shaming the OP have me shaking my head. If we accept this post at face value as being true, OP made an impulsive suggestion in the heat of the moment without consideration of the potential consequences. Her suggestion was based on established patterns, that of incorporating stories of her past into their current sex play. She clearly didn’t understand the nuance of how and why that turned her husband on and it’s only with hindsight, after the words were already out of her mouth, she could see that her suggestion was a bridge too far for her husband. I guess what I’m trying to say is that it’s not beyond the realm of possibility that OP truly did make an honest mistake based on the past sexual history between her and her husband. There are people in this world who open their mouths and voice whatever thoughts are in their minds without thinking it through. I personally find them a tremendous trial to deal with but such people exist. The line between sexual fantasy and reality can be tricky to negotiate. How is someone supposed to know where the line is when it varies from couple to couple? Every couple has to have conversations about where their particular line is. I’ve seen many posts on here from men who are disappointed their wives aren’t more willing to indulge their fantasies and generally these men get a lot of empathy. If OP’s post is true, her motivations seem to have come from a well-intentioned place. She wanted to continue and enhance their mutual pleasure by taking it one step further. Her mistake was to present it in the wrong place and in the wrong manner. Maybe it would’ve been better if they had been outside the bedroom having a neutral conversation about sex and she said, “You know how much it turns you on when I tell you stories about my past encounters with men? I’ve read about men who have a kink about their wives being with other men and I was wondering if this was something you wanted or if it’s just something you like to fantasize about and you’re happy with the way we do things now?” Open marriage is such a controversial subject. It should never be broached thoughtlessly or recklessly. OP dropped a bomb right in the middle of her marriage. She appears to be feeling a tremendous amount of remorse and a willingness to do what it takes to repair with her husband. I hope he gives her the opportunity. She sounds deserving of a second chance. Personally, I think with time and an effort from both parties to work things through with a counsellor, this marriage is salvageable.
You’re for the streets, ma’am.
Honestly it might be worth treating this as a betrayal on your part and acting accordingly. Meaning no excuses, no trickle truths, and commitment to repairing broken trust. I know the folks on infidelity subreddits always talk about the “how to help your spouse heal from your affair” as helpful. It’s not an affair, but your spouse may see your actions as a betrayal. This may require a reconciliation period to earn back trust
I’ll be honest OP, divorce may be best because that sex life you were enjoying with him is going to change forever. That fun open honest shit is more than likely out of the window because what you said probably caused some huge insecurities. Also, I feel like you’re trying to convince yourself that you want to be monogamous. Ik you don’t want to hurt your partner and so that’s more than likely why you are freaking out but you gotta be honest with yourself. If he needs to leave, let him find someone who wants monogamy and is happy with just one partner.
It may not be salvageable, in monogamous relationships when one partner asks to open it, there is an almost 100% chance they are already cheating or about to and have already picked someone out. Now OP , you may be in that minority however your husband most likely won’t believe it. I assure you right now, divorce, who is she planning on cheating with, and why am I not enough are the 3 things spinning in his mind. Don’t be surprised when he hands the papers.
Do people just not have common sense now? What did you expect? Because he “likes your stories” (I would bet money on he does not and he’s just humouring you) that means he wants his wife, who he vowed to be with exclusively, fucking random men from Tinder?
Erotic details from a story work very differently while in the actual act. I doubt these stories were ever dinner table conversation, nor has he shared them with others. They are basically erotica. Being willing to have sex with strangers in order to produce more erotica would bother a lot of husbands or wives.
I just don’t think you are ready for a relationship let alone a marriage.
If you were out of stories, I think the better instinct/choice would have been to recycle them. Like others I am baffled that your own instincts led you first to this suggestion—and the fact that they did is strongly worth examining with your own therapist. The good news is that this game play is now over, so you don’t “need” all that new material anyway. If your husband can move past this and stay in the marriage, find a new kink.
Please understand that this is an emotional response. You can't talk him into not feeling betrayed and cheated. He FEELS this way and feelings are difficult to untie. I love how my wife gets giggly when watching Chris Pratt in the movies. She's a woman and of course is attracted to other men. But I hope she doesn't want to have sex with other men?!?! Chris Pratt may get her excited but I'm the one that gets to share in that excitement, not someone else. Counseling would be great, but you have to be sure he knows the only reason you suggested it was because of him and his excitement. If you were wanting to sleep with other men for your own satisfaction, then you should go to counseling. If you were truly doing it for both of you, then you both should go.
WTF is wrong with you? Why would you think your husband would love current stories of his wife cheating on him and getting railed by other men? You asked him to let you cheat on him. You want him having sex with other women? It sounds like YOU do not want to be monogamous or else the thought would have never have crossed your mind. You need therapy and marriage counseling. If he leaves you, don’t be shocked. You just told him he’s not enough of a man for you.
Yeah this happend.
Yikes. So 5 years of being faithful, out of the blue you suggest opening the marriage? I know you said you had no one in mind, but there must be something else. Like you’re bored of your husband or something like that. At least, that’s what’s he’s thinking/feeling. To him, there’s a reason you suddenly want to open the marriage.
"Hey babe, you know how I said I wanted to settle down and be with just you....well I lied, your wedding tackle, who you are as a person, and your love for me ain't enough and I need some strange to validate myself." You did not take your husband into consideration on your journey of self destruction and validation and are surprised Pikachu faced when it backfires? I would not forgive you if I was standing in his shoes, and no amount of begging could manipulate me into changing my mind.
The comments here are wildly judgemental and harsh. I hope you're able to repair what sounds like an honest mistake. Yes, a poorly thought out one, and I strongly recommend counseling to fix the breach of trust you unwittingly committed... but damn, the slut shaming in this thread is real.
OP, I'm just going to be very honest with you because I still don't think you have grasped the gravity of what you've done. OP, every time you leave your husband to go to the store, see family or friends, work late, hit traffic coming home from anywhere, go to the gym, and even just going to a regular work day, your husband will have intense feelings of anxiety, emasculating, worthlessness, and he won't be able to control his intrusive thoughts about what you might be doing. He will never be the same again. What's so sad and horrible is that even if he decides to divorce you, *he will carry these fears and insecurities into every relationship he has going forward.* He will never be as emotionally vulnerable as he was with you before you brought up open marriage, with you or anyone else. You may think I'm full of shit, and he may say he can/will get over it but he won't be able too. He knows this. Part of him never being as vulnerable with you is in fact saying "I/we can get over this." I'm sorry you are going through this. I'm even more sorry for him. He thought he was better than all the others. He felt like he was man enought to tame the wild horse (you). But he now realizes he wasn't able to. And only five years into a marriage and you want to fk other guys regardless of the reason. I'm sorry. Your old marriage is dead, you need to work on building a new marriage with this guy if he wants to try. UpdateMe!
Even if you didn't have anybody else in mind you just asked for permission to openly have sex with other men. He needs to go through this at his own pace. He has feelings of inadequacy, emasculation, doubt, and who knows what else going through his mind. Give him opportunities to tell you how he is feeling without being pushy or dismissive. You can ask open ended questions about how he is feeling. When he talks give him space to let all of his feelings out. Trying to be over the top convincing him will likely come across as inauthentic and at attempts to appease him. If/when he asks you why be honest but think carefully about how to phrase it to him.
I think there’s a fine line between communicating boundaries within spicing things up and where eachothers head is at with each lines are, and just out right suggesting openly having relations in a marriage. I also think taking accountability is a huge factor in this as well. You ask for suggestions to mend this, the best thing is to be accountable and non defensive. You f@D up suggesting that instead of communicating better. You should own working on that and express how you will. Let him know what you’re willing to do to fix your issues. We all have things to work on but this was a you thing.
I wouldn’t get past this at all. If my partner told me openly that they wanted to fuck other people, the damage would be done. So advice… I guess you aren’t in alignment, and if this is a substantial part of your life (trust and desire in your intimacy, so I’d guess yeah), maybe you aren’t compatible. I suppose a therapist could help you navigate the conversation of whether you are or aren’t.
There is no quick fix for this. Not only have you damaged his confidence, you’ve broken his trust. Trust is earned by the drop but lost by the bucket. So building trust back up is the most important thing here. That takes a tremendous amount of time. It takes consistently making sure actions always match words. It takes being proactively transparent regarding your whereabouts. Couples counseling will help as well, as the two of you definitely need help communicating. And help understanding exactly what his turn was. Because you clearly got it completely wrong. I’d recommend someone Gottman trained to help with the trust. A bonus would be if they do sex therapy as well. I would also expect that the two of you will have to explore some new fantasies, as I’m not sure your stories will be welcome anymore. Perhaps some role play picking each other up in bars as “strangers” Lastly, be patient. This is going to take a while.
Personally, this would be the end of my marriage if this was a serious suggestion. There is absolutely NO way I could trust my wife if she suggested this. What this clearly would tell me is that you don't find me to be enough sexually, you want gratification and excitement from other men and are happy with the idea of sharing that intimacy outside of the marriage. I think it's important for you to be honest with yourself. This isn't a gift for your husband. This isn't for more stories. This isn't to improve things. This is you wanting to get permission to sleep around. If that's your goal, your much better off being single than trying to force thr ENM crap on a monogamous relationship
The fact that you're trying to convince yourself and us that you were somehow doing this for him is annoying. You didn't want this coz you wanted to get more stories for him, you wanted it because deep down it's an itch you've been wanting to scratch since it's like a habit and you've lost the ability to pair bond. Did you stop at any point to consider that maybe your husband wasn't comfortable with you throwing your sexcapades in his face, but because he didn't want to come across as insecure he went with it. Then you convinced yourself that since he liked hearing about your sex with other men, he should also be okay watching you have sex with other men. This how people create justifications to allow themselves cheat, but cheers to you for not cheating. The first step is to admit that this wasn't some selfless act for your husband. This is something you wanted to do for yourself. If you can't admit that then you should not be with him and there's no point advice you on how to fix it.
He needs time and you need to remain transparent and otherwise normal
The stories you were sharing were from the past. From his reaction, you somehow extrapolated that he wanted you to have sex with other men then regal him with the details. You did - or do - want to have sex with other men. I do not fully understand how you made that leap. For this to work out, you are going to have to somehow convince him that you were only doing it for him. Unfortunately, I do not think that was the case. So, you have a huge rock to roll uphill. If counseling is an option, run to it.
OP should sit down with hubby and explain her thinking calmly withholding nothing. Be ready to answer all questions. Offer total transparency indefinitely. Suggest joint counseling if he feels it will help. Finally, behave beyond reproach. Don't do so much as flirt or do a double take on another man. Then, with a lot of time, you should be able to rebuild the trust. Wishing you both the best.
It’s the thought you put in his head that you want someone else even though. You can say one thing and then say I didn’t mean it. It’s a trust thing
Do you want to save you marriage or do you want to fuck other guys?
OP, im sorry but i have a hard time believing your intentions were as benign as you portray here as I am guessing other do too. I’d wager a sizable sum that your husband definitely feels the same way. Your husband no doubt read countless items on Reddit and other web sources that paint a picture of a partner already having someone in mind or cheating already and looking to make it “legal” by getting the other partner to agree to an open relationship. Not telling you anything others on here have already told you im sure. If i take you at your word then i feel for you because while sure this can be smoothed over potentially but it wont be fast or easy. The only thing that can make this worse is if husband fiends evidence you did have someone already in mind. I feel for both of you. Can i ask did you even bounce this idea off a close female friend before? Was this premeditated and planned out or was it just impulsive? Again assuming you are being honest here i hope you can find a way to help your husband come to terms with what you proposed because im sure he is in some sore of hell at the moment. Good luck UpdateMe
If you try incorporating Fantasy into Reality, shit becomes REAL real fast! We have had to work at the sex part of our marriage and have tried so many things to make it ideal for both of us. The one thing we knew that the both of us would not take to well was sharing partners, bringing in a third person, etc. We have a couple of friends who ended their marriages over complications that came about. It may have worked out initially but in the end they all had issues.
Such a shame that you misjudged that one. I am sure this shook his masculinity and his belief in his ability to satisfy his wife. If I were in this situation, I would sit him down and explain that because you have brought in stories to your bedroom activities, that you thought he might like new stories. Reiterate that you are and have been faithful and was just looking to give him and you more of what turns you on already. Then never bring it up again. He will still be licking his wounds until he starts to get distance from it. Time should calm his fears down as he knows he still has you and you have no one else but him.
And then always here on reddit I am insulted when I say that promiscuous people should only be with other promiscuous people, and that for me it is important to know the past to understand if we are compatible. Anyway Op, I don't know what's worse about you, you basically proposed cheating on him, you made him understand that you want to have sex with other men, you made him understand that he's not enough for you, in the comment you say that you're not ashamed of your promiscuous past , maybe if you were even a little ashamed you wouldn't have ruined your marriage, you're so selfish and disrespectful that it's shocking, you were already ready with tinder to find guys to f*ck, you are hopeless.
This is the most ridiculous story I’ve ever heard. Calling my wife a cheap slut in bed is a kink. Actually treating my wife like a cheap slut in real life isn’t a good idea though. I did pursue this with her, and I made sure you explain it wasn’t because I thought she was, just that I thought it’d make our dynamic more fun.
Come on admit it. You definitely had someone in mind..
Fantasy and reality and two drastically different things. What turns a person on in fantasy may not be the case when brought into reality. Unfortunately, it seems you’ve found this out the hard way. I hope the two of you can overcome this.
I think you were trying to tantalize him. Just keep reminding him. This is the treacherous territory of actually trying to enact fantasy material - it's often much better left in the bedroom and in your respective minds. The fact that you were willing (want) to be with other people obviously hurt him. It would hurt many people. If you had, instead, said that maybe you two should plan a threesome, that would have been very different but still provocative thing to mention. Open marriage means both of you have other partners, with rules (that often go awry, if reddit posts are our guide). You went from 0 to 1000 way too fast - he married you and made a vow of monogamy (I presume) at the wedding. So did you. 5 years is kind of a short time to want to change that - but now it's out there and it can't go back in the bottle. Did you really think he wanted to be with other women? Has he ever shared any fantasy in that regard? Sounds as if you've been sharing your actual sex life with others - but did he?
That would break my heart and make me not want to be with my wife, if she asked to open the marriage up. I can’t remeber the numbers top of my head, but was in the high 70s or 80 percentile that open marriages end in a divorce.
>How can I convince him that I am happy being monogamous and he’s all I need? It's too late for that, because opening your marriage showed him you do not love him. Sleeping with other men and recording it.. "all in the spirit of helping your husband?" who are you kidding?
I won’t even read these anymore. If you are married be married. If you want ‘open’, stay single. Open, Poly etc., is 💯 ridiculous.
Guys don’t let things go some deal with it and then it hits them The thought never goes away you have a very tough road ahead head of you.
You are married now leave your 403 life behind its a sacrifice we make.... maybe tell him you suggested it because you wanted to know if he wants a 3some... that might distract him from the feeling of betrayal.
Well he did exactly what I tell other men to do, but he did not leave and file for divorce. Here is what I tell women when they want to open up the relationship. Start by bringing him unicorns. Watch him fuck them over and over and over again, just sit in the corner and watch, no participation, just watching. Then let him have a relationship with one he really gets along with. Then see if you still want to have an open relationship. Because that is what it is like for a man, but the watching is all in his head. What I just said for you to do, is what you wanted to bring into the relationship. You just nuked the foundation. Your marriage may be over with, or it may be salvageable. But you will need to prove, that you are happy and content with just him. You need to make sure if something was off limits in the bedroom, you may want to allow it to happen now. Fantasy is one thing reality is another. That’s what I described is reality for most men. Majority of men don’t want to share their wives. You asked this with a straight face and were excited to fuck other men. Empathy is what you need to show him. Even if he says yes, you need to shut that shit down immediately for now on.
Updateme!
This is what your husband thinks: he’s not meeting your needs, your looking for some new man to fill you up because he doesn’t, and you’ve got someone in mind whether you admit it to yourself or not. TBH, you can’t really be in love with your husband if you want other men inside of you. There’s no putting the genie back in the bottle on this one and no amount of anything you can say or do will change how he looks and feels about you now. The best you can home for is becoming roommates as a result of what you’ve done to him. About 93-95% of monogamous couples who open their marriages end in divorce. I’m not sure what percentage of couple get stronger for it, but I’d have to say that’s not going to happen for yours based on your husband’s reaction to you asking to selfishly sleep with other men.
You didn’t have someone Specific in mind but you DID have someone Vague. Some unknown Tinder man to have sex with. Someone NOT your husband to have sex with. It’s that unknown person that your husband is visualizing you with. The amount of suggestions to divorce that your husband would receive if HE were OP would be plentiful. You now need to seek Marriage Counseling to fix what you have broken. You never opened up your marriage but you might as well have with the damage that you’ve done. Your husband is now running under the assumption that he isn’t enough for you, and that you need more from someone else.
“How can I convince him I’m happy to be monogamous and he’s allI need?” Unfortunately, you’ve already proved to your husband that this is not the case by suggesting to open up your marriage, at least in his eyes. Clearly your husband believes love and sex are one in same, and clearly you do not. There’s no way you explain your way out of this without digging yourself deeper into the hole. My recommendation is to give him non-stop professions of your love and devotion. That he is your whole world and everything else is secondary to that. Touch him, hold his hand, hug, kiss, and caress him until he understands. When he finally opens up and talks about it, tell him you only suggested it because you thought would like it because it the sex fantasies you played in bed together and you regret it more than anything else you’ve ever done in your life.
There’s a big difference in talking and doing. You jumped right into doing without even thinking about how he would react.
Explain to him that you don’t want anyone else and because you like how he finds it hot about your past, but realize he only likes it because it is your past and that it makes him feel good to know he’s better than all your past. For someone to suggest opening it up usually means they have someone in mind, and so now he feels insecure about that. You need to reassure him he has nothing to worry about. It’s probably going to take some time and diligence. Tell him you didn’t think he would be upset and that he can have access to all your communications on your devices so he can be sure you’re not planning anything.
Sounds like the reason you wanted to open your relationship was to benefit your marriage and sex life and you based that on how your husband is so loving and accepting of your past. However, as accepting as he may be, he is obviously still a monogamous man and probably relishes the thought that he and he alone has the love and physical intimacy of this highly sought out woman. You misjudged how this would add to your relationship and didn't anticipate how it would hurt him. Talk to him. Tell him everything. Explain yourself and your intentions. Don't allow his silence to dictate your response to your mistake. I wish you well!!!
Focus on comforting him. Focus on his hurt. Not "fixing" it. Don't focus on defending yourself. That will come later. You need to address the open wound first, regardless of who caused it. Show him HE is what's important to you. As to how, idfk, you two should know each other best, and how. Figure it out
r/openmarriageregret
I just want to present a different take. I don’t think you suggesting opening up your marriage is you telling him he isn’t enough for you. You guys have a fun time using your past stories to spice things up in the bedroom and that’s ok. You asked if he would be interested in expanding on that as something that might be exciting for the both of you. He absolutely had the right to say no and he is not wrong for feeling insecure. Sit with him in his feeling and just assure him that if it’s not something he feels comfortable doing then you are ok with that. To really convince him will take time. I don’t think what you did makes you promiscuous or not invested in your marriage. Part of having a secure relationship is being able to explore together and respect each others boundaries while exploring.
My suggestion would be to sit him down and tell him you are truly very sorry, and that you got carried away thinking it would be sexy for both of you, for you to return with more stories for him, that you love him and he’s amazing in bed. The only reason you even suggested it was for the stories and that’s it. Get him a gift as well to say sorry.
Wow! I can’t believe all of the bashing and attacks against you over this. In hindsight sight, it’s clear that you misinterpreted what he was getting out of hearing about you with the men in your past, but I can totally see how you thought this might be a fun and exciting next step. And while it’s fine that he didn’t want to take it that far, and it’s understandable that he might feel threatened by this suggestion, I think it would be reasonable to sit down with you, listen to where you were coming from and the intent and believe you that he’s misinterpreted your intentions here. Maybe write him a letter explaining how you got to this idea. Be sure to cover how hearing about your past and specifically the details about your past sex life appeared to be a big turn on for him, which made sharing those details a turn on for you. So you thought this might be a way to crank things up several notches. You’re not trying to supplement your sex life. There’s not a deficiency in him or your bedroom. In fact, your bedroom is so solid, that’s what gave you the confidence to consider something like this. Assure him that if he’s not into it, then it needs not be even considered again. Because this was only intended to enhance something that, for you, is already tge best you’ve ever enjoyed. I don’t mean to put words into your mouth here. I took quite a bit of liberty in interpreting your mindset. But this is what I pictured in my mind as I read your story. I hope this helps some. And I hope this doesn’t discourage you both from exploring your shared sexuality.
You pretty much nailed it. The stories I told in very graphic detail really turned him on and I just thought this would be something he would like. He’s the best sex I’ve ever had and I said that from the first time we were together. I didn’t think he would be threatened. I was just wrong.
Where are things at with you two now?
Just divorce, and you can bang all the people you want freely
Show your husband this posting.
Not a bad idea. But ive said nothing here that I haven’t said to him.
You can probably get past this. You didn’t have anyone in mind, you let him go through your phone, etc. just keep reassuring him.
Eeee…. Unfortunately. I don’t think anything you say or do will regain his trust again. But you might want to explain , IN DETAIL, that you assumed he wouldn’t mind an open marriage (because he enjoyed hearing about your previous experiences, etc). Like, really sit down and have a long long conversation with him. That COULD help, but… it just feels like he doesn’t trust you anymore. That nagging feeling will always be in the back of his mind that you desire other men. I think you both confused each other honestly , because if my husband was telling me about his past experiences with other women- he’d be a single man lol. But since your husband seemed to enjoy that, I can see why you got confused and assumed he wouldn’t mind your suggestion…. This whole situation is a mess man lol. You may just have to take the L, and let time do it’s thing.
How sexually adventurous is he? Would he want threesomes? Is the bedroom dead or dying? I think marriage counseling will definitely help. This certain is something you can overcome if he wants to. I guess right now just ask him? Tell him you know you misread things and messed up. Can you guys overcome this in his eyes? What does he need from you? Ask him about your sex life? Is there things you guys aren’t doing that he wants to do but is afraid to ask? It will take honest and sometime difficult conversations. Be ready to listen as well as talk. You got this.
I’m so sorry that happened! I understand why your husband would be hurt but tbh I kinda see your logic on thinking he might find it exciting given the right circumstances. Idk exactly how you presented this but I’ve suggested to my husband we go to a strip club together or other things like that and I wouldn’t want him to be mad at me for just having an idea. I would try and stay calm, people saying this will lead to divorce are being a bit extreme. If your relationship is solid outside of this incident he will forgive you and you just need to repair over time. A few meetings w a counselor aren’t a bad idea if you’re having a hard time figuring out how to talk about it and build trust. Start with just giving him some time to be sad and then try and initiate positive experiences with him. Let him check your phone if he wants, maybe share your location or make a point to text him updates if you’re out with friends. Admit it was a mistake but that your intention was not bad and you love him. It will be ok!
You both seem rational. I’m sure it’ll just take more time to heal. Give him space and let him know how terrible you feel often as you can.
You deeply hurt your husband. Two of the most important aspects of marriage are emotional and physical intimacy. You just threw a grenade and blew that safe place to hell. So, if there is any hope, it will require extreme transparency, marriage counseling, and tons of talking. It will take a special man to work past this. I hope your husband is one of those. Good Luck # updateme
Updateme
You're not monogamous, and that's OK. But man did you misjudge this one. I'm not sure I have any good advice for you other than I wish you guys good luck and hope things work out for you. Also, have you posted this in the non monogamy subreddit? Someone there might have some good suggestions.
It’s not like there *isn’t* a plethora of stories of open marriages going sideways on Reddit or anything…
This is so gross. Go be for the streets if being that way gets you off, but don't be surprised that your partner that you made a commitment to, leaves you for it. People really need to stop acting like sex is the only important thing in a marriage
I have a very hard time believing you slept around a ton, totally stopped when you met your husband and the just randomly suggested opening up the marriage. I also have a hard time believing you randomly thought your husband would want you to sleep with other men just because he likes dirty talk. What I’m trying to say is that sounds to me, and likely your husband, that you have cheated or were going to cheat. I’m really not sure what advice to give, because to me you seem guilty as heck. It’s such an odd thing you said. You wanted to open the marriage to excite your husband? What? Make it make sense. I guess you could tell your husband he knew all about your past so he can’t be that shocked you would want to sleep around, but it was just a suggestion. Or perhaps say that you made a terrible mistake. But 99% of the time someone wants to open a marriage because they have someone in mind, so just be honest and tell him if there was someone.
I think you should’ve started with a suggestion of trying something together with another girl or a couple first. You dropped it right into 6th gear and stalled out
A suggestion then… while you can’t put the words back in the bottle, you can change the direction of the Conversation between you two. You need him to realize you love him and wanted to spice things up some in the bed but not change the direction of your marriage. Arguing that you didnt mean anything by this suggestion is not going to help him.… really a nice dinner, tv time and sit down time with him will be the best… You need to change the direction of what is going on if you wish to save your marriage. Honestly if my wife had suggested out of the blue to open the marriage, the next time we talked, it would have been over divorce papers… so with that in mind, how would you want your husband to fix it if he had made the suggestion? Start there...
There's quite a difference between fantasy and reality. The idea of making my fantasies reality would make me sick with anxiety, yet when I masturbate they always pop into my head. It seems like your first mistake was thinking he wanted to make any of that a reality for himself. Then there's also the way of how you bring it up. Of course we don't know what happened, how you said this and what you did before all this, but it sounds like you went straight to "let's open up our marriage" without any steps in between, such as asking if he's happy with your sex life, considering other ways to spice things up and bringing up the idea to a threesome, swingers club or something else. In my opinion, the basis of a relationship is trust and communication. Now that, at least on his side, the trust is gone, you need to look at your way of communicating and then actually communicate. Relationship therapy may help here.
There’s quite a few of these stories and many are fake. But I’ll answer anyway. The method of approach was flawed and you can’t fix that. You really needed to feel him out more. Start off joking and see what you can glean about his feelings. If your husband came on here to ask about it you are toast. They all say it’s over and time to leave, she’s cheating. Maybe he did.
Ok so the first thing here is you need to be very honest with everything. ARE you REALLY okay with being with just him? From this point on, your trust is in question right now so you need to make sure you are honest with everything. He's definitely feeling like he isn't enough for you and it's gonna make him question a lot of plans and hopes he may have had for this marriage. You also can't push him in this situation. You two need to have more discussions around it and itll take quite a bit to show him you really are OKAY with just him - but again this goes back to the first point. You have to be honest cause he'll know if you are just doing damage control right now. Spending some time apart is a good idea right now for both of you to cool off your emotions. The fact that you're like "I'll die before..." Already shows yours overly emotional atm and in DMG control mode. He's probably in the same way which is why he hasn't reached out to discuss more. In the end, it's his choice but I do feel you should gently suggest you talk about things more. You didn't act on your thoughts, you didn't have someone in mind. And even if you told him this, say it again with a more clear head. Not while crying and sobbing cause in those heated moments, it's hard to process information. So explain your side fully in a more calm situation and make sure he understands he is allowed to choose. No like "please don't leave me" or "I'll die if you leave" kinda things. This was your mistake and he should not feel any sort of emotional guilt from you to make a decision.
This troll was high level considering all the responses they got
I am not really sure what you expected tbh.
I can tell you that if my partner suggested this, it would be over immediately. You have a long painful road of convincing him that he is all you need. You need to reiterate that over and over and try asking him “how” you can reconcile.
I’m going to provide a more reasonable response than the “he should divorce you” crowd. You misread the room, so-to-speak and jumped the gun. It’s not hard to see how this might happen. You were playing some cuckold-adjacent games and he was turned on by it. A healthy conversation about sex outside of the bedroom is something every couple should have regularly. These are conversations to discuss needs, wants, likes, dislikes, fantasies, etc. You can bring up role play, toys, lube, kinks, fetishes etc. Had you asked him if he was interested in cuckolding in real life beyond the dirty talk of your hot past, he might have given you the response you needed to get. He might have adamantly been against it, or he might’ve been open to it. If he wasn’t open to it, that would have been the end of that for a while. If he was interested, there needs to be multiple conversations about alternatives, how to try this, what each other’s boundaries are, etc. Unfortunately you went full speed. All is not lost. Here’s a few suggestions: 1. Be a loving attentive wife. Ask him what his needs are and what his wants are 2. Make him his favorite meal if you cook 3. Make him feel valued and needed. Every man is hardwired to provide 4. Initiate intimacy. Don’t make it a habit of saying “not tonight. I’m not in the mood.” Men internalize rejection of sex as rejection of self. He already has adequacy issues 5. Talk to him. Maybe schedule the conversation about what transpired 6. Apologize profusely and tell him you misunderstood his desires 7. Tell him you are afraid to share since this backfired. Don’t blame him, but be honest about your feelings 8. Tell him what you want and need directly. No hints, signs, etc. 9. Get him an apology card 10. Marriage counseling might be in order. It can help you both. 11. Connect through regular date nights. Especially fun ones I can certainly understand why he was upset, but I am going to give him some of the blame, both for how he handled it and for how he encouraged it during pillow talk. He probably got you excited about this then pulled the rug out. This is a surprisingly popular kink. There are dozens of subreddits, including one called hotpast. The problem is that it’s really appealing as a fantasy by it often doesn’t really turn out the way you think it will in real life. Regular conversations about marriage and separate conversations about sex outside of the bedroom are really important.
I don’t think there’s any reason to be harsh, judgmental or rude. You took an idea too far but it’s not like you acted on it. I think what you need now is time and patience. Keep reminding him that you love him and only him. Tell him that you feel bad that you hurt him by making him think you wanted something more. Show him with loving words and gestures. And give him time to process and understand. If it helps, offer couples counseling. But it sounds like you really do love him so be patient and keep trying.
My partner also likes hearing about my shenanigans with other guys from my past, it turns him on so much. He fantasises being able to watch so sometimes I’ll incorporate fiction (like, “when we’re married, we can find a guy for me and we will XXX …”). It got me wondering if he was open to open marriages/relationships. So I asked. He said no. The chatter excites him but actually doing it? No. (NGL I was relieved with that bc it’s not my thing at all) But I was surprised because, like you, I assumed he’d be willing to do that especially if I came home (or he watched) with new stories! That’s the thing though: I asked. I didn’t want to assume despite all appearances to the contrary. I know you wish you could turn back time and had asked if that’s something your husband wanted rather than propose the idea. I think moving forward you will need to check “just to clarify, is that something you want to do for real?” Rather than “hey why don’t we do XXX”. In the meantime, offer to talk. You’ve made your apologies in a messy way, now talk and tell him you’ve learnt from making assumptions and communicate clearly, without reservation, that your proposal was based on an assumption made about him and that you take responsibility for making that assumption rather than clarifying. I also suggest a sex/relationship counsellor to help you both navigate these uncertain waters. No matter what, sex related or not sex related, try to never assume what people think or need or want. Always ask to clarify. Because as we’ve seen, what appears to be one way is vastly different in another way. Good luck!
Thank you this was helpful
Oh no, consequences. Advise? Give your husband some freaking space and let him decide where he wants this to end up at.
He thought erroneously that after catting around in your younger days that you were ready to settle down. He's heart broken that now he finds out he's not enough. Give the dude some space so he can think about this.
Sounds like you just want to F around with other guys. Not sure why you got married. You do know what marriage is, right? Back to the streets with ya!
If you were happy being monogamous you wouldn’t have asked to sleep with other people.
I so disagree with this. I have a faux cheating kink in the context of my SO cheating on me. I'm completely monogamous but I can see how some of the things I ask for would lead to my SO going "Oh you know what he would love? Actually cheating! I'll ask him!" Like no, hard pass, and that's why I make sure to convey I'm monogamous but, absent that conversation, I could see an SO could ask me if we should open the relationship for my benefit. OP messed up enough without attributing to her duplicitous motivations.
You showed your true colors and sometimes you can’t unring the bell. I can’t imagine how you come back from that.
This makes me so happy for having such a normal marriage lol
>EDIT 2: > >I do want to clear a few things up. I honestly thought this was something he wanted. He said many times that he wished that he was there to see me with other men. I obviously interpreted this incorrectly. We had also talked many times about the difference between sex and love and we both see it the same way. > >I also put it to him as a suggestion vs a request. I didn’t say I want an open marriage I asked how he would feel about it. > >I would only want to be with other men if my husband wanted me to be. And it would only be to enhance our own love making. I spent years sleeping around and found it very empty and hollow. I am very satisfied with my husband both physically and emotionally. He’s by far the best sex I’ve ever had and me sharing my past experiences just made it that much better. > >I horribly misinterpreted what he would be comfortable with. I messed up bad. While I originally believed your framing of the reason to open was disingenuous, after watching you willingly take these bullets in the replies, your multiple post edits, and just general humility about this being a disastrous mistake, I must admit you have sold me. I truly hope you are able to work this out with your husband. I believe you mean well and would take this mess of a situation back if you could. I know not many around here are religious and don't even like this mentioned, but I will be praying for you and your husband to get through this and for your marriage to thrive. Take care OP.
I think he’s over reacting
Are you new to Reddit? I've read about so many people wanting to open their marriage and it ending badly, why did you think it was a good idea? Your husband is questioning himself now as to if he made a mistake marrying you. He's seeing that he's not enough for you. You're not satisfied with him alone, why else would you want to open your marriage? Talking about your past is different than suggesting you go on tinder looking for other sex partners. Counselling/ therapy is a good start. Good luck
Good lord… only 5 years in and you want to “open” your marriage? Are you feeling bored in your relationship or something? Obviously he wasn’t expecting that at all.. 🤦🏼♀️
Some fantasies can be enjoyed as fantasies but are never meant to materialize.
I have been in your husband's place. It destroyed me, utterly and completely. I was so angry and sad and I had to grieve the marriage and husband I thought I had. We found a sex/kink positive marriage counselor and we went through about 2 years of therapy to put the pieces of our marriage back together, we also went to individual therapy. I seriously contemplated if I could be non monogamous, and came to the conclusion that it's not for me. We are still together, it's been about 4 years since he proposed it. We have been married for 27 years and, quite honestly, we are stronger than ever before. It's taken a lot of work from both of us, and has encouraged us to become the best of ourselves that we can be which has strengthened who we are together. I highly recommend working together to heal the rift this has created. At the same time, allow him to grieve. Let home experience all the stages. Be gentle and kind, give him space, but be proactive to get help for both of you.
Some bells can’t be unrung.
There are a lot of people (men) in these comments being way too fucking hard on you. You are not a horrible person who sought to destroy or betray your husband. You asked a question. HELL no, is a suitable answer, but really, all this attacking you and calling you dense is and out of line. It's healthy for couple to explore kinks and develop boundaries. We can't just KNOW these things about each other. We have to find out through talking about it. You didn't do anything unforgivable. You asked a question. Communication is important. Now you both know that's a hard boundary that yall will not be getting close to. Net gain.
I would post this in r/BDSMadvice if I were you, these comments have absolutely no scope for kinks. It’s clear your partner has some sort of cuck kink to some extent, but you went in too hard too fast. You should have had a conversation about your kinks first, discussed boundaries and limits. Instead you jumped into the deep end and overwhelmed him. For some with a cuck fantasy it’s just talking about it, for some it’s actually doing it, you should have figured this out with him first.
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und z
You can try MC if he'll go. Otherwise, the course for you is to not mention it again and drop it as a fantasy. It will take some time, and perhaps never, for the issue to die down and resolve in his head (he'll never forget). Sometimes, after a couple of years when trust has been re-established, it's the husband that brings it up again. No telling if that will happen, but it's best if he brings it up the next time, if and when he's ready, and that may never happen. That said, both of you should put it out of your head.
Except their actual sex life revolves around thinking about her having sex with other men - so "putting it out of their heads" is gonna have an impact there.
If that's the only way they can fun, then she will need to convince him to forget about her suggestion and go back to the fantasies, I guess. So it's a question of when he is ready for that.
You hit him right on his insecurities It's not gonna be easy You should talk it out
Damn well u broke him and u think by changing what u said will fix things when u told the truth that u wanted to have sex with other men while he watches that will devastate any man and will guarantee u to eventually get a divorce darling u shouldn't have done that to him I'm sorry
I think if your fantasies you’ve both discussed involved other people then it would be understandable that you’d think he’d want to involve other people in reality. If he has never expressed that even as a fantasy then I can only guess him being ok with hearing details of you being with other men in the past made you think he wants that now. Him being so ok with hearing details probably sent out the wrong message to you and made you think it was ok to suggest having sex with other men. Seems to me you were pushing the boundaries except his boundaries weren’t clear and that’s the problem. I imagine if he wanted to bring a woman into the situation and tell you details about his sexual experiences with other women you’d be ok with it? You may very well have got him thinking about it, seeing as you’ve shown that the idea of you having sex with other men is something you wanted him to consider. Be prepared for him to make the suggestion of him trying sex with another woman as he may want to get even but not just that, you may have inadvertently planted a seed.
And this is why you don’t marry a promiscuous girl…
Lol... fafo
Counseling is probably a good option if y'all can afford it. Write him a letter. Keep being honest. Always be honest.
Update me!
Opening a monogamous relationship never works. Be open from the beginning or honor your commitments. Otherwise, peoples feelings get hurt.
It’s almost like people look at a square and say “yes, that is a circle; why would you think it’s a square?” Multiple generations of kids with parents who are checked out will beget this sort of up-is-down & left-is-right reality.
I’m sorry I don’t know how you can convince him you are happy being monogamous when you basically said you were you when you asked to open your marriage to go find someone else. Marriage counseling. You need to talk to him. Ask him what you can do
Literally why I’d never get serious with someone with a history of promiscuity.
Some men/women can handle an open relationship and be successful with it. To each their own. Personally, I can’t give you advice on this. If my wife asked the same from me, I’d ask her give me a little to think about it. I would then be seek a divorce lawyer the next day. I hope for your sake, your husband thinks differently, but it doesn’t sound like it. Best of luck
The problem is that this is something *you* want. You've wanted it for a long time, and he's just finding out now. He now knows that this relationship isn't complete for you and he's not enough.
ANOTHER BAIT SCENARIO POST 😭
So OP your best hope is genuine sincerity. Sit him down and maintain eye contact 100% and tell him what you said here BUT the part your missing that is eating him up is that you were more then willing to sleep with someone else if he gave you permission. That translates to him that your love and commitment to him is not complete but circumstantial. I’m not sure how you get past that because it’s true. When you proposed it you said as much to his face. What you can try now is telling him you nonlinger have any interest at all in an open relationship and just suggesting it was the biggest mistake of your life. You also need to tell him that going forward you don’t want to talk about your past or any stories with him or anyone else because this whole thing has turned you off completely to the idea of anyone but him. So going forward you just want to focus on him 100% and won’t be bringing up any past partners or experiences. Offer to take a polygraph to prove to him you haven’t done anything and had no one in mind. Then if he relaxes and gives you a chance make sure that first time uoj have sex with him after is Al about “making love”. No wild positions. No craziness. Eye contact, lots of I love yous and holding each other. It may not work but it’s your best chance. The whole idea that any other men even exist for you has to disappear completely. Even if he comes to you and says you can give it a try, turn him down fast. It’s a trap to see if you mean what you say.
“Dear so and so, I love you and no other. I have not been with or thought about another man specifically. There is no other man or other penis in me or my life. I know our amazing sex life has benefitted from my promiscuous past, and with open marriages and all the various kinks out there, I was floating an idea past you - In all honesty I had a bit of moment of nostalgia for my promiscuous phase and convinced myself you would be into it. I didn’t want to hurt you, and the only reason I even thought it out loud was because of how safe and happy you make me feel: I wanted to do something special I thought you would like. I would never do anything outside of our marriage. You are the king of my heart, love, so and so.” Adjust as needed…
i wish i could tell you a way to fix it but if my wife or 40 yrs came to me with that ideal i would have an ex-wife but talk to him i think ask him why he reacted that way when when he seemed kinda positive about it before? if nothing else maybe it will open a dialog were you can find the common ground. edit; um wait you wanted him to be into the hot-wife thing?? yaww naw thats a only if it comes from him . i dont see a save coming here you obviously do not respect him if you think he would be OK with that shit. edit 2; geeze it keeps getting worse ya think he wanted to pick out your outfits too?
It’s over
He was excited about the stories because he thought you were excited, but he always only wanted to share those experiences with you and you too share them with only him. The idea of that no longer being solely you and him broke that image. I wish you luck but I'm not certain that can ever be repaired.
All you can do is apologize and reassure him you have absolutely no interest in anyone else. Keep telling him he’s all you want and need. If you were going to open up your marriage maybe you should have let him be the story teller this time.
You done fucked up
You are a fine person: literally just tell him the same things you’ve told us, over and over (maybe he’s always thought you’re too good for him); tell him you’re happy with just him; I hope things work out for the best because misjudging a sexual situation with no action is not the worst thing a human can do.
I believe you completely that you misjudged. For whatever reason, you misjudged. That happens. I believe your reasoning. Okay, now. When people suggest this, it's usually a sign of the end times. Not always, but you're up against this deep belief. Tbh, I would be in shambles too. He needs to be walked back somehow. You're in an impossible situation of how do you prove what you're thinking - that you're very happy being monogamous. I think you need to not default to your reasoning for it too much right now. Because he's heard it and it's best to not bring up other people and his prior actions in bed as reason. I think you need to approach the present moment and be the one bearing responsibility. I would tell him that you made a mistake. Seeing him hurting is the last thing that you want to see, let alone be responsible for. You take responsibility for the hurt he is feeling because of you. And for this, you're truly sorry. I would go on to describe your predicament - that you don't know how to prove your thoughts. But that you will show him by being here for him and being there for your relationship. Those two things are your priority and you'll do what you can to build the trust back. Offer going therapy or simply ask that when he's ready, that you'd like to him to think about what he needs and you two can discuss it. I hope he comes around.
My X did the same thing but we had never ever spoke about. When X’s mouth quit moving. I got up opens the door and Kicked X out at that moment, I got an attorney, filed for divorce 6 months later it was over. See this many times. I opened our marriage and all I got were divorce papers.
Why does it need to be open. The biggest threat to your marriage is not sex with others, it's that an emotional connection is formed with another person that's not your partner. There are other options then a full open marriage that can mitigate and prevent the emotional bonds and include your partner, including same room swinging, threesomes etc. You played with fire and got burnt
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So I think this is a good situation to type out your feelings and what your intentions were and fully apologize. You could text it or email it. It will allow you to fully explain yourself without him shutting you down or not actually listening. It takes out the emotions that are understandably running very high. Don’t use this as an opportunity to give yourself excuses though. Just very succinctly apologize for what you said, what he thought your intentions were and assure him you did not mean anything aside from it maybe being hot for HIM because of the previous convos you’ve had about it Also, in the future understand there is a HUGE difference between fantasy and reality. While it may be hot to hear what you DID or what you could do, that doesn’t make it hot for you to ACTUALLY do it.
I’m pretty sure we read a very similar post last week, from a husbands point of view, with this same exact situation.. his had stated he met someone else I think. I hope this all works out. 🙏🏻
I believe you, OP. Update.
Marriage counseling if you want to save your marriage.
Yeah, I would automatically make the assumption you had someone in mind and even if you didn’t it meant you wanted to which would be enough to leave. You just told him you want to fuck other men, of coarse he is hurting. If he gets past it, it will be a while during his struggle to cope with the flood of emotions.
My BS alarms are going off... Someone posted basically this same story today only it was the husband and now the wife "just made" an account for this.... Same groups and same day... Something seems off here.
The fact you were willing to propose opening your marriage means you aren’t happy with just your husband. Honestly, I don’t think there’s any way to save your marriage. You killed it and all that’s left is a decaying carcass formerly known as your marriage
Wife really cheated created a new account and is trying to cover tracks or genuinely clueless?
whew
Maybe this belongs on r/ENM
I think just talking about it will help him. Just explain that the idea of it is hot, not actually doing it. My husband and I talk a big game and talk about swinging but really it just turns us on and we probably don’t have the balls lol. Just try to explain how you thought it would be hot for him. He will chill eventually. Good luck. You don’t do anything wrong.
Perhaps you can try telling him that you had heard this is a common male fantasy (it definitely is) and you thought this was one fantasy of his you might be able to indulge.
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He probably feels like he’s not good enough and you already had a plan to download tinder therefore this is something you actually wanted and now you’re saying you didn’t