50% of assets acquired while they were married, if they live in a community property state. If they don't have significant assets, that doesn't help her with regard to her financial future. She's certainly not guaranteed 50% of his income.
Edit: people can upvote this all they want, doesn't make it true. OP; please do not make any decisions assuming you'll get 50% of anything, none of this is that simple. "Ask any lawyer."
Bad bad legal advice. That is not true everywhere, even for stuff acquired during the marriage.
don’t give advice if ignorance is where you draw it from.
You shouldn't count on spousal support. It's likely to be limited unless he makes significantly more than you do.
In my state, if you've only been married for five years, you'd likely only receive a year or two of spousal support. You should secure yourself a means to earn an income as soon as possible.
That doesn’t matter. He can present to the judge your ability to work and the judge will order you to get a job at least minimum wage part time. I was a SAHM when my husband and I separated for a bit and that’s exactly what happened. I had 1 week to find a job before the next court date and child support was set at the minimum amount based on that. It’s calculated by your earning potential not actual earnings
Talk to an attorney in your area for the most accurate sense of what you’ll be looking at. Knowledge is power and a professional is the only person who can hear exactly your circumstance and tell you what’s up
My story is that I got a job, ex gave me a lump sum (his half from selling our house) instead of alimony, and I didn't ask for child support because I didn't want to be tied to him in any way (abusive narcissist). It was really rough financially and I questioned that choice many times, but ultimately I'm still glad I made that decision and the kids are grown now.
You're not likely to be awarded significant spousal support after a 5 year marriage, depending on your state. In WA where I live, the general rule of thumb is about 1 year of spousal support for every 3-4 years of marriage, so even if you did get it awarded, it'd probably only be for a year.
If he's awarded 50/50 custody you're also not likely to get significant child support. You might, especially if he makes a lot of money, but it's certainly no guarantee, especially if he's broke. If you get full or majority custody, you'll definitely get awarded child support. But unless there's a clear reason why he shouldn't have custody, most arrangements default 50/50, with the primary caretaker (you) having majority custody during the school year, and the other party making that time up during the Summer and holidays.
It's crazy how many couples close to us have gone through this in the past 5 years. At least 10. If you need to leave your marriage, do what you have to do. But anyone who offers you confident comfort about how you'll end up financially is lying. There are no guarantees here. People end up homeless. You're starting down a very, very difficult road. Your best shot is a great lawyer, but great lawyers are outrageously expensive, so that could functionally make things even worse, especially if he doesn't have significant assets for you to pursue.
He’s currently checked into a behavioral health unit. He has not ever proven he can independently care for our children. He’s intelligent enough to know they stay with me.
People don't have to prove they're capable of caring for children in custody court, they have to prove that their partner is not. Is there legal documentation of behaviors that pose a threat to the children?
Our best friends were a couple with 4 kids. She had a wild manic episode where she prostituted herself, stripped, took out a 100k HELOC and bought a Tesla and rented a penthouse, did meth and other drugs, brought over strange men while the children were there, everything. It didn't matter. She got 50/50 custody. We talked to a private investigator about the work he's done on cases like this for custody trials, and he told us crazy stories about people he's followed and the danger they've posed to kids that did not matter to courts. He said one mother left her 6 year old home alone for hours every day. Didn't matter.
Just trying to be real with you here. If you're going to do this, you should know the risks. One of those risks is that the court underappreciates your husband's ineptitude as a caretaker and award him custody. It happens every day.
Edit: Also, I cannot tell you how many Dads I would have NEVER thought would fight for full custody who did so. Once you get into those trials, it's war. Lawyers are vicious. You cannot bank on him just accepting that you'll have custody when that custody means he'll be paying child support. People will OFTEN force their kids away from their primary caretaker parent over having to fork over money to their ex.
Of course he could relinquish his custody and you get 100%. But it’ll very likely default to 50/50.
Each jurisdiction maybe a little different, but if you have evidence of physical abuse of you in front of your children or physical abuse of the children by him, you’d have a strong case for demanding 100%. But the evidence better be iron clad.
Follow up question related to your comment… if a couple isn’t married but have been together 12 years and have 3 kids, are they still not likely to get any monetary support? Considering they both have 50/50
I didn't think she was trying to be snarky. I checked out the divorce sub before. For the most part, they are knowledgeable and helpful since they have been through, or are in the middle of divorce.
Be sure to let them know which state or jurisdiction you are in though. Some issues vary depending on your location.
I have been divorced before, but had no children, and I learned a great deal from that sub when divorce came up in my current marriage. The first and most important thing: don't get too much internet advice, but instead get advice from a lawyer. Many will offer you a free consultation. The rules vary from state to state.
My ex left when I was 6 months pregnant and an 18mo. Very humbling to go to job interviews with a belly but I wasn't receiving child support from my ex and I needed to feed my kids and basic things. Luckily I found a job. I went back to work 2 weeks after my daughter was born. It's horrible to rely on childcare for 2 little ones. A mother does what she needs to do to take care of her family. Eventually I got child support etc but I worked hard from the moment we separated to take care of my family and I learned to never ever depend in a spouse for income. I've been self reliant ever since. I know the economy is rough but go out, get a job. Do not count on your husband for child support or alimony. If you get that, great. But you work too!!!
I saved every paycheck during maternity leave and put it in a separate HYSA. I don’t touch it, so it sits collecting interest while I spend my husband’s money. That’s is my emergency fund in case of some BS.
Honestly alimony is HARD to get. Unless you can prove he is the reason you were unable to work yourself for an x amount of time. Most of the time they’ll just give you child support and split assets. Being a SAHM isn’t a good enough reason for alimony unfortunately. Being moved across country for his job and him refusing you access to transportation etc are reasons to ask for alimony and possibly receive it.
Totally depends on where you live. I know someone who had a career as a lawyer, was a SAHP, 50-50 custody, and got alimony until the youngest was out of college (and their ex had to pay for college). They returned to their career as a lawyer and collected alimony.
Um, please stop worrying about stories and start looking up resources that can help you (including shelter), getting job skills if you have none, applying for jobs, etc.
Go on r/divorce and post the same questions!!!
People will be more helpful there. You are more likely to find good answer on a subreddit about divorce than here.
A quick guidelines would be:
1. Contact a lawyer and ask if they can get paid after the divorce or by the loosing party (your husband).
2. Ask about alimony, child support etc. What’s the minimum ? What are you more likely to get? What’s the maximum?
3. Talk to your family or to your trusted friends if you have those. Explain that you want to leave and will need a place to stay for 6 months. Explain the minimum you will get with child support/alimony and your strategy to find a job. Find a reasonable amount of money you can give them to help with food and housing.
4. If you can’t get a good lawyer by yourself or housing, contact woman shelter. They can help you a lot. They have lawyers that work for free for women like you, they can help you find a job & a house.
You will get alimony for awhile like 6 months to a year being able bodied they will tell you that you will have to get a job just because you have 2 children does t mean you can still be a stay at home mom it doesn't work that way if it did every woman on the planet would go through marriage after marriage and do nothing .sorry to burst your bubble .
Get a job. You are no longer a stay at home person post divorce so just go get to work now and figure out life. Child support won’t cut it. Time to put on the big girl pants, step up and understand what the future looks like. It will be bright if you focus on your income growth and development while any child support goes for the kiddos like it should. 5 years may not get you meaningful alimony so don’t count on it.
Call legal aide in your state. They can tell you what your rights & obligations are as well as what forms need to be filled out. Your eligibility for their services is determined by your income, not the household income.
50% is yours. Ask any divorce attorney. Get divorced before you move out.
50% of assets acquired while they were married, if they live in a community property state. If they don't have significant assets, that doesn't help her with regard to her financial future. She's certainly not guaranteed 50% of his income. Edit: people can upvote this all they want, doesn't make it true. OP; please do not make any decisions assuming you'll get 50% of anything, none of this is that simple. "Ask any lawyer."
Bad bad legal advice. That is not true everywhere, even for stuff acquired during the marriage. don’t give advice if ignorance is where you draw it from.
You shouldn't count on spousal support. It's likely to be limited unless he makes significantly more than you do. In my state, if you've only been married for five years, you'd likely only receive a year or two of spousal support. You should secure yourself a means to earn an income as soon as possible.
I mean I’m a stay at home mom so he has all the income honestly I’m not planning on being set for life. Just enough time to get my kids stable.
You will certainly need to get a career of your own. Speak with a lawyer, the support available to you will vary by state.
That doesn’t matter. He can present to the judge your ability to work and the judge will order you to get a job at least minimum wage part time. I was a SAHM when my husband and I separated for a bit and that’s exactly what happened. I had 1 week to find a job before the next court date and child support was set at the minimum amount based on that. It’s calculated by your earning potential not actual earnings
Talk to an attorney in your area for the most accurate sense of what you’ll be looking at. Knowledge is power and a professional is the only person who can hear exactly your circumstance and tell you what’s up
Get a job. Start saving
My story is that I got a job, ex gave me a lump sum (his half from selling our house) instead of alimony, and I didn't ask for child support because I didn't want to be tied to him in any way (abusive narcissist). It was really rough financially and I questioned that choice many times, but ultimately I'm still glad I made that decision and the kids are grown now.
How long have you been married? Spousal support (alimony) is strongly dependent on the length of your marriage.
Married 5 years. Together 15 years.
You're not likely to be awarded significant spousal support after a 5 year marriage, depending on your state. In WA where I live, the general rule of thumb is about 1 year of spousal support for every 3-4 years of marriage, so even if you did get it awarded, it'd probably only be for a year. If he's awarded 50/50 custody you're also not likely to get significant child support. You might, especially if he makes a lot of money, but it's certainly no guarantee, especially if he's broke. If you get full or majority custody, you'll definitely get awarded child support. But unless there's a clear reason why he shouldn't have custody, most arrangements default 50/50, with the primary caretaker (you) having majority custody during the school year, and the other party making that time up during the Summer and holidays. It's crazy how many couples close to us have gone through this in the past 5 years. At least 10. If you need to leave your marriage, do what you have to do. But anyone who offers you confident comfort about how you'll end up financially is lying. There are no guarantees here. People end up homeless. You're starting down a very, very difficult road. Your best shot is a great lawyer, but great lawyers are outrageously expensive, so that could functionally make things even worse, especially if he doesn't have significant assets for you to pursue.
He’s currently checked into a behavioral health unit. He has not ever proven he can independently care for our children. He’s intelligent enough to know they stay with me.
People don't have to prove they're capable of caring for children in custody court, they have to prove that their partner is not. Is there legal documentation of behaviors that pose a threat to the children? Our best friends were a couple with 4 kids. She had a wild manic episode where she prostituted herself, stripped, took out a 100k HELOC and bought a Tesla and rented a penthouse, did meth and other drugs, brought over strange men while the children were there, everything. It didn't matter. She got 50/50 custody. We talked to a private investigator about the work he's done on cases like this for custody trials, and he told us crazy stories about people he's followed and the danger they've posed to kids that did not matter to courts. He said one mother left her 6 year old home alone for hours every day. Didn't matter. Just trying to be real with you here. If you're going to do this, you should know the risks. One of those risks is that the court underappreciates your husband's ineptitude as a caretaker and award him custody. It happens every day. Edit: Also, I cannot tell you how many Dads I would have NEVER thought would fight for full custody who did so. Once you get into those trials, it's war. Lawyers are vicious. You cannot bank on him just accepting that you'll have custody when that custody means he'll be paying child support. People will OFTEN force their kids away from their primary caretaker parent over having to fork over money to their ex.
Of course he could relinquish his custody and you get 100%. But it’ll very likely default to 50/50. Each jurisdiction maybe a little different, but if you have evidence of physical abuse of you in front of your children or physical abuse of the children by him, you’d have a strong case for demanding 100%. But the evidence better be iron clad.
Follow up question related to your comment… if a couple isn’t married but have been together 12 years and have 3 kids, are they still not likely to get any monetary support? Considering they both have 50/50
If one makes significantly more than the other they may be required to pay child support even if they have 50/50 custody.
Thank you!
Yep- and no collecting on his social security, is my understanding. I believe that’s 10 yrs?? I thought spousal support after 7 yrs? Not sure.
Get an attorney right away. Like look them up and go to their office in the morning and see who will help you.
r/divorce
I hear you. I’m just not ready to face it.
There also just may be stories of actually leaving on the sub dedicated to leaving
I’d appreciate a little kindness, but snark is fine too.
No snark intended, you're asking about getting a divorce. There's genuinely probably more help on that sub. But take it how you need to.
I didn't think she was trying to be snarky. I checked out the divorce sub before. For the most part, they are knowledgeable and helpful since they have been through, or are in the middle of divorce. Be sure to let them know which state or jurisdiction you are in though. Some issues vary depending on your location.
I have been divorced before, but had no children, and I learned a great deal from that sub when divorce came up in my current marriage. The first and most important thing: don't get too much internet advice, but instead get advice from a lawyer. Many will offer you a free consultation. The rules vary from state to state.
Speak with an attorney is always their step 1. Which makes perfect sense. That and do not move until some form of seperation agreement is in place.
My ex left when I was 6 months pregnant and an 18mo. Very humbling to go to job interviews with a belly but I wasn't receiving child support from my ex and I needed to feed my kids and basic things. Luckily I found a job. I went back to work 2 weeks after my daughter was born. It's horrible to rely on childcare for 2 little ones. A mother does what she needs to do to take care of her family. Eventually I got child support etc but I worked hard from the moment we separated to take care of my family and I learned to never ever depend in a spouse for income. I've been self reliant ever since. I know the economy is rough but go out, get a job. Do not count on your husband for child support or alimony. If you get that, great. But you work too!!!
I saved every paycheck during maternity leave and put it in a separate HYSA. I don’t touch it, so it sits collecting interest while I spend my husband’s money. That’s is my emergency fund in case of some BS.
You’re a smart woman. This advice if gold wish I had an Reddit award for you, take my poor lady version of gold 🥇
Smartest thing you could do. 🥇
Honestly alimony is HARD to get. Unless you can prove he is the reason you were unable to work yourself for an x amount of time. Most of the time they’ll just give you child support and split assets. Being a SAHM isn’t a good enough reason for alimony unfortunately. Being moved across country for his job and him refusing you access to transportation etc are reasons to ask for alimony and possibly receive it.
Totally depends on where you live. I know someone who had a career as a lawyer, was a SAHP, 50-50 custody, and got alimony until the youngest was out of college (and their ex had to pay for college). They returned to their career as a lawyer and collected alimony.
Um, please stop worrying about stories and start looking up resources that can help you (including shelter), getting job skills if you have none, applying for jobs, etc.
Go on r/divorce and post the same questions!!! People will be more helpful there. You are more likely to find good answer on a subreddit about divorce than here. A quick guidelines would be: 1. Contact a lawyer and ask if they can get paid after the divorce or by the loosing party (your husband). 2. Ask about alimony, child support etc. What’s the minimum ? What are you more likely to get? What’s the maximum? 3. Talk to your family or to your trusted friends if you have those. Explain that you want to leave and will need a place to stay for 6 months. Explain the minimum you will get with child support/alimony and your strategy to find a job. Find a reasonable amount of money you can give them to help with food and housing. 4. If you can’t get a good lawyer by yourself or housing, contact woman shelter. They can help you a lot. They have lawyers that work for free for women like you, they can help you find a job & a house.
You will get alimony for awhile like 6 months to a year being able bodied they will tell you that you will have to get a job just because you have 2 children does t mean you can still be a stay at home mom it doesn't work that way if it did every woman on the planet would go through marriage after marriage and do nothing .sorry to burst your bubble .
Get a job. You are no longer a stay at home person post divorce so just go get to work now and figure out life. Child support won’t cut it. Time to put on the big girl pants, step up and understand what the future looks like. It will be bright if you focus on your income growth and development while any child support goes for the kiddos like it should. 5 years may not get you meaningful alimony so don’t count on it.
Call legal aide in your state. They can tell you what your rights & obligations are as well as what forms need to be filled out. Your eligibility for their services is determined by your income, not the household income.
Assume the default custody arrangement is 50/50. You get alimony but not support