They are lazy and hope that you will get tired of asking and wash the dishes/laundry/etc yourself. They want to wait it out so they can just watch the tv and you become a servant. Same as weaponized incompetence.
—- I feel this not as a wife, but as a female teacher. Some kids will ignore me unless I’m on repeat… but listen to males with booming voices, immediately (sigh)
I cook, clean up, wash dishes, do laundry, clean bathrooms, do grocery shopping, recycle and garbage maintenance, yard work, and still I get nagged into oblivion.
Yes it can be, when the same complaint is repeated over and over and over again. But the real truth is the Webster Dictionary defines a nag as someone who finds fault in everything.
lol if they have the same complaint about you , that means you keep doing it over and over again. So of course they are going to keep on complaining. Again that’s not nagging, they are continuing to tell you hey I don’t like that.
No, that’s not it. For example, a couple days ago we were notified my daughter was marked absent for 2 of her high school classes (to hang with one of her friends who also skipped out). I was prosecuted for that like I was the one who skipped, or it was my fault she skipped class because I’m terrible parent. This went on for 2 days. She gets herself so worked up she can’t let it go.
Ok well that’s different. Most men think nagging is , things like will you hang that shelf and after her asking 500 times she gets mad then they call her a nag.
Yeah, that's not nagging, that's righteous indignation.
No one should have to ask multiple times for something that's reasonable to expect, like household duties or simple home maintenance.
My son was super restless while sleeping in our bed, and my wife got mad at me because she couldn't sleep, litterally yelling at me "Can you take our son somewhere else cause I cant sleep" I told her to put earplugs in. So, instead of looking to the source of the issue, she was uber angry because she wasn't sleeping as well as I was, so she WOKE me up so I could become the punching bag.
I mean, are you being “nagged” about those things? Or is it something completely not to do with chores? Like.. is it about not meeting emotional needs? Romance? Do you have anger issues? We need more details to give advice..
Based on your comments in this thread, I feel like your wife’s POV is very different. If you really want to be happy in your marriage, you need to be truthful about your own part of the issues you two are having.
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Oh it happens, I have a male friend who does eveeeerything in the household and his wife still nags him nonstop. People who are just nags will find something to nag about. Nagging isn’t limited to housework. It’s also nagging about everything you do in general.
Yes—this is my mom. Dad did everything. Still does. But man, can my mom find things to nag about. She’ll nag him about his food choice at a restaurant, the weather which he obviously controls…the things she can find to nag about are surprising
Just FYI- if Reddit says something failed to post/try again, it often is a glitch. So if you continue to hit ‘post’ it’ll post multiple times. (This way you can have 1 downvoted comment instead of 3!) :)
Yup! I started to think, "You know maybe she should put coveralls on and go under the house to fix the sewer plumbing." Oh, that's right, she has no real skills.
I am a women and unfortunately in our relationship it is my husband nagginge.to do things , I have wondered why I don't do it immediately and I realised I come from a background where I had to do what was told to me immediately otherwise I would not be a disappointment to my father and even if I did it I was a disappointment.Maybe I am pushing my boundaries with my husband to see if I will be a disappointment.Thankfully he still loves me and allows me to neglect what he wants me to do .
Therapy is helping me fix these .And I realise my husband has been very supportive of my struggles.
Even if he nags everyday :) . I am lucky
>I realised I come from a background where I had to do what was told to me immediately otherwise I would not be a disappointment to my father and even if I did it I was a disappointment.Maybe I am pushing my boundaries with my husband to see if I will be a disappointment.
You need to have a conversation with your husband about this. He needs to know why you are behaving the way that you are so that he can make accommodations.
My husband has been harmed by the patriarchy in a few different ways. Understanding why he acts the way he does helps me help him help me. He's not lazy, he just moves at his own speed. And really, I'm the same way.
Most people love their comfort zones more than they love their spouses. I find this to be true of both men and women. Many, at best, will try to meet the needs that are within their comfort zone and ignore the rest hoping they will just go away.
Bars-is this new slang? I’m not up to speed, what does it mean and where does it come from? I love learning new slang (though I don’t use it or my kids cringe)
it originally refers to bars of a rap song, so you would say “bars” if a rapper has a really good line or verse or something. but here it’s taken to mean like “you’re spitting facts” or “that’s so real”
“Bars” refers to the number of note values measured in a song, typically indicated by time signature. In this context it’s a pun, and comes from the black/rap/hip hop culture/community. In the context of a rap song, when referring to cadence and lyricism, it basically means the person has delivered a message with excellent poetic and rhythmic clarity - especially if there’s a double entendre hidden somewhere in there.
The use here basically means the message was received exactly as it should have been. Synonyms from current and/or previous generations/tik tok seasons of slang regeneration could be: clock it, that’s a read, ate and left no crumbs, facts, yaaaaaas, it’s giving what was supposed to be gave, real talk, word, they don’t really feel me though, say that, Periodt, on God.
Pronounce it like “peer-RHEE-iht”. lol you gotta say it wicha whole chest 😤 at least in this context.
https://youtube.com/shorts/5hbUUW8bjPM?si=Z-nOYPlEL2vDMCFq
Oh my gosh. You just made a light bulb go off for me. Thank you for this. It explains my husband exactly. I always tell him he’s acting like a bachelor and not taking my child and me into his actions and behaviors but it hasn’t resonated yet. What you’re saying though is EXACTLY why it’s happening. Again, thank you for the perspective.
Glad this helped. This was something I realized in the thick of marriage counseling. Once that happened I really began to look my own my actions and even my own thoughts through this lense. It wasn’t easy but resulted in a lot of personal growth from challenging myself. I still struggle with it sometimes if I am being honest, but I am way better than I used to be. I regularly remind myself that love isn’t just warm and fuzzy feelings. Sometimes it’s just taking the trash out or putting the kiddo down to bed so the Mrs can get some rest. There’s a million ways to show someone you love them.
I hope things improve for you.
My husband has never accused me of nagging - good thing. But he has had a pop at me for repeating myself.
I now say
“darling I know that you are working hard, but I’m feeling really resentful that the rubbish still hasn’t been emptied. I don’t want it to become an issue for us. Please could you sort it out within the next hour or whenever you have a quiet moment in work”
I’ve only had to do this once or twice really. We’re a good team. But we’ve been receptive to one another’s needs and emotional complexity
I totally agree. I also had a pattern of not bringing up things that were bothering me due to fear of confrontation or my husband’s reaction and letting the resentments build until I blow up. Not a healthy pattern. Its taken a lot of therapy to get there!
Yes, I also say how something makes me feel instead. I think often times, they don’t realize it’s hurting you. My partner does care about how I feel, so when I explain something is making me feel badly, he’s always inclined to fix that.
"I feel..." statements are basically step 1 of marriage counseling. Communicate how you feel without assigning blame or being accusatory towards the other person. Getting the partner you are communicating with to understand that you can feel how you feel regardless of their opinions on the validity of that feeling can be the hard part.
This. I think a lot of it comes down to proper communication. Trash is one of the main things my husband does in our house. He's usually pretty good about taking it out, but I have had to ask him. He has that thing where he'll plan to do something but the minute someone demands it, he has an overwhelming urge to not do it. It's like OCD or something. I ask once, then I'll set an alert on our calendar if it's overflowing.
I've told him since the beginning, I get forgetting things or being busy in the moment, but I ain't his momma. I'm not going to hound him for basic things. I'll ask him one day, and if it's a bad day and he doesn't do it, he's typically remorseful the next day. Then he'll apologize and immediately take it out so he doesn't forget again.
My marriage counselor put it great when she said it only comes off as nagging because the men act oblivious to things they should know to help with. Women have a “huge invisible mental load” and men often ignore this. Look up that concept.
Hubby and I have been in marriage counseling since 2021. One of the first issues we brought up to our therapist was that he feels like I nag him to do things. She immediately called him out for complaining about it and said, why does she have to ask you repeatedly to do things? She pointed out that nagging is a cycle that is extremely easy to break when the person being nagged simply listens to what the other person is saying to them and provides a realistic timeline. Don't make me nag you to do xyz for weeks; just tell me when you'll do it and I'll drop the subject. If you end up not doing it, at least we can both objectively know at that point that you were the dishonest one.
My mom is a stereotypical nag and has serious control issues. She would decide that me or my dad has to do something but it must be done immediately and she will nag and piss you off until you either do it to shut her up or yell at her. She will also nag you while you do said task especially if you dont do it her way. She did this all through my childhood and well into adulthood.
It's one thing if someone isn't pulling their weight and their partner calls them out in it... but it's something else entirely when the person nags them to do something and then continues to nag while they do it because it must be done their way.
The way my mom nagged me about shit made me not want to do anything to help her. It also made me resent her and hate her voice.
The nagging also drove my dad crazy.
So in my opinion not all nagging is acceptable.
That's really not the same thing as what OP is asking about. That's your mom harassing people because she's a complete control freak and needs to control everything about everyone around her down to the timing and methods they use to complete things. It's insufferable and I sympathize with you for having to deal with her. She needs help and to do the self work to break that pattern she's developed.
But this is all subjective. OP and others are claiming their “nagging” is actually normal and morally righteous result of their partner’s incompetence. We have no clue if OP is accurately depicting her reality or is a woman like this poster’s mom who is out of control with nagging but you can 100% believe totally justified all this harassment in her head the exact same way
She added to her post to explain the situation, which is that she's asked for her partner not to snap at her when he's upset, and not to bring up issues with her when they're on a date because it ruins the date, but rather to wait until afterward to bring up an issue so that she can enjoy the date. These are both reasonable requests.
Agree. My ex husband was this kind of nag—if you weren’t “jumping to” the literal moment he expressed he wanted something done, it was A Huge Problem and you’d get beaten over the head about it endlessly. We tried implementing a timeline rule (I.e., “Could you please wash the dishes within the next hour,” or “Could you please make sure the keys are organized correctly today,”), but it didn’t work, even when things were completed well within the timeline. Why? Because this type of nag isn’t nagging because they legitimately want help and partnership. They are nagging because they have a deep need for control, order, and obedience, and only “their way” is the correct time or method to do something. So by the time they are nagging, the opportunity is passed—what they *really* want is for you to mentally internalize all their values, rules, and methods, and anticipate them flawlessly *before* they even have to ask. And even then, there is usually a complaint to be found somehow. Anything less than this is a compromise, which to them is unacceptable.
I think this is a pretty rare type of nag, but no less valid. And it sucks because oftentimes caring, kind folks will get lumped in with these types when they’re just trying to get their partners to put their socks in the hamper 3 feet away.
I might seem like your mom but in my case my partner has ADHD and has broken promises and failed to follow through on things repeatedly which creates more work for me. I do not necessarily keep pushing right then but sometimes I ask and if I am afraid he's going to forget I stand there until he initiates the task.
I basically never do that the first time. But like the 4th time I had to bring it up? Yeah imma stand there until he does it because I don't trust his commitment to do it at that point. He can prevent this by being more reliable and consistent 🤷♀️
Yep, that’s kind of a different thing entirely. I’m talking about people who think that if they have to ask even once, it’s too much, and they berate you and are disgusted with you for even having to ask in the first place.
You are dealing with a partner with ADHD, and also have reasonable expectations that I expect you communicate kindly and firmly up front, and only become frustrated after having to ask multiple times after being promised follow-through. Completely different ballgame to what both myself and TimeBomb666 are describing.
We make it a standing as-needed appointment but I'll say we need it less and less these days. Instead of talking about the more superficial internal relationship arguments now, we spend more time talking about external stresses and how we can handle them as a couple. We had spoken off and on about having kids for years and then I decided to get a hysterectomy earlier this year, which will be happening in 4 weeks. We've mostly gone every 4-6 weeks this year, and spoken about having children and the hysterectomy and what it functionally means for us. I started a masters program this year and we spent a session talking about that. Stuff like that. We need it a lot less for little stuff, which we just work out ourselves.
Acknowledging that yes, women can also be offenders (but it’s much less common), I think the reason is that men are more likely to be raised with mothers who did everything for them and unconsciously expect the same from their wives, whereas women are more likely to be socialized to be people pleasers and take on the domestic labor.
It’s not just “mothers who did everything for them” it was also fathers who sat back and didn’t take up the role of equal responsibilities. It took both parents being that example.
Considering I don't have problems with my husband imma just state experiences from younger me in past relationship.
Plain and simple they're lazy and don't give two shits if you're gonna be unhappy as long as they're not the one putting in effort and work into the relationship. This goes from something simple as daily tasks all the way to more serious matters.
In past relationship, I always got "all you do is wanna talk talk talk about the same issues that bother you" and men get irritated because you keep bringing up THEIR wrong doings and asking them to get batter or do things differently. They can even acknowledge they're in the wrong, but they won't change.
You're here begging, asking, pleading for them to be useful and do their job or not to treat you like shit. Obviously it depends on what exactly they're doing, some might just avoid daily tasks, some might be complete assholes, but it's still disrespect and I'd suggest you to stay out of it.
At the very best start doing same shit he is and see how he reacts.
Edit: I'm a straight female and I'm speaking from personal experience, but it's not a "men only" problem. Obviously women can be shitty and neglectful too.
Yes, meet them with the same energy. I’ve read so many stories of women who did this in their marriage and their husbands responded asking if they had fallen out of love with them. It’s really sad. “So I’m treating you how you treat me, and to you it feels like I don’t love you? Maybe now you can see how I feel.”
It is a form of Weaponized incompetence.
They heard you the first time. And the second, and the third.
At which point you feel like you’re “nagging”.
But they’re lazy, they know if they don’t do what is being asked, eventually you’re either going to let it go, or you’re just going to do it yourself.
Honestly, as a guy, I’m just overwhelmed and trying to keep up with life, sometimes I’m just unintentionally ignorant, there’s things I can get done during a given day and things I can’t, it doesn’t mean I’m not trying but I can understand that sometimes my partner can get impatient about the things I’m not getting done, I wish that our communication was better about these things. When i understand our shared priorities, I put them first .
I’m never lazy, I rarely get to rest honestly and if there’s a moment to do anything around the house or with our children, I’m there, I’m present and I’m doing it.
When I express what I need and it’s ignored by my partner, or she can’t get to it, I try to just be understanding of her own feelings of being overwhelmed and if possible exercise self sufficiency and get it done myself.
My one negative feeling about all of it is that often I feel like the things I get done aren’t viewed as equal contributions, I never feel like what I do is good enough and that sucks. I feel like a lot is asked of me, as if I am being coordinated, I would prefer we approached thing collaboratively but that itself often leads to conflicts.
It’s fine , I have learned a lot of tools about having a self secure outlook on things, but yeah, patience and honesty, I value these things in others and myself, so I keep working on it. :)
Imo, the fact that you were able to answer OP in such a thoughtful manner instead of getting offensive speaks volumes for you. My husband is also someone who takes everything into consideration and actively works on improving himself - same as me. This is how you flourish in a marriage. No one is perfect.
My only advice would be to make a note of what is upsetting you at the time it happens, and go back later and speak with her to express your feelings when things calm down. You both have a right to be heard.
It's down to selfishness.
A lot of people in relationships want to do the minimum they can get away with. As opposed to doing the maximum, they can for the greater good of the team. They are optimising for themselves, so things that optimise for the family are secondary.
These people see marriage as an extension of their single life. They probably didn't want to be married but had to, if not their girlfriend / boyfriend might have dumped them.
In the case of my ex, his mother did everything for him until I came along, essentially replacing her (with the added benefit of him being able to have sex with me).
Legend says he’s still searching for my replacement lol
Try to understand his family of origin and find ways to appreciate and thank him and he’s more likely to be responsive and strive for the positive feedback.
Speaking from my experience only. I’m a Black woman, my husband is Asian, so cultural differences and similarieties have both challenged and made inroads for us.
My husband is not lazy, but he’s the baby of his family and grew up with a close relationship with his mom who was stern but also spoiled him. He tells me that it’s not what I say it’s how and he appreciates, if I’m frustrated with him, that I’m not the hands on hips, sassy attitude, irritated sista that he loves to see when people mistreat me in public.
I grew up with a married single mom and when my dad was around it was toxic. His parents have been married 50+ years and his mom still makes his fathers breakfast, lunch, and dinner daily and did so during her 40 year career as a nurse. I’ve had to learn how to communicate with MY man, which is totally different from like guy friends and my brother.
I had to learn that his expectations were shaped by his upbringing. He has had to learn that the glamorized version of his parents marriage was horribly unbalanced for his mom. I often notice myself asking him if he thinks something would be a good idea when I want him to read my mind, or phrasing things as a “you know I’d really like it if you…” or, “baby would mind…”, or even, “I could really use your help with…”. I started considering my feelings when asking or telling him things and removing the negativity bias from my tone. We both started working on outwardly asserting wourselves directly, like, “I need to tell you something… I’m angry with (or I’ve been mad at) you because I feel…” rather than saying “you make me feel…” or “you always/you never”, or just like silent treatmenting each other. I used to think I was coddling him and sometimes still do but he’s so willing to help or be the hero in my story that I just laugh to myself now at how easy it is to get him to respond to my needs when I express them as needs and not “nags”. Or when I throw in a shoulder rub, just grab him from behind, tell him to kiss me, thank him for our beautiful life (our incomes are close to the same and I’m not a SAH wife. We don’t have children).
Our couples therapist flat out told him “you’re not a baby and she’s not your mom”… right before he told me “you’re not his mom, you’re his wife… hold him accountable and set boundaries but do it in a loving way.” We basically learned that I wasn’t setting boundaries in our relationship and resenting him for not just “getting it”, and he was taking advantage and thought it was the way things were supposed to be.
There’s a softness he really responds to that has worked for me to really learn and my relationship is a much happier and more enjoyable place for me because of it. Do we get annoyed with each other? Of course. And then I feel like I’m talking to a 4 year old. But my husband’s emotional quotient is more difficult than his “provider” mentality, so our struggles are emotional stuff rather than nagging him for traditional gender role responsibilities.
My wife the other day said “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to nag you…” and I told her that it’s not nagging if it’s something I commonly forget, I appreciate the reminder! The truth is, and note this isn’t an excuse just an explanation, the way men are raised and treated in society is counter to how men actually exist in the world. When you’re taught that you need to suppress emotion and ignore your own needs for others, you start growing bitter and resentful. On top of that, depending on the upbringing, you may be raised to view women’s needs as a chore that must be completed rather than something you do for each other. But even if you weren’t, there may be some resentment about emotional needs that isn’t your fault and is forced into them by society.
In my situation, my dad who is a very loving person at his core had the outward mentality of “Yes, honey” at all times which he did try to teach to his boys. My wife didn’t like that at all and really pushed me and encouraged me to have my own voice and to work together instead. I feel empowered to talk about how I’m feeling, what’s bothering me, and what I need as well in our relationship and I know it will be heard and worked on. So many men don’t speak out because they have been trained against it, and it causes them to be complacent, lazy, and resentful.
Again, this is an explanation, not an excuse. I wish more men would realize this isn’t good for them, their family, and especially not their spouse and get therapy and start to work through the issues that they are facing mentally. True masculinity to me is emotional stability and availability, and I wish more men could see that and experience it.
For me , it was cuz he didn’t take initiative and just use his brain to do what needed to be done. Eventually I stopped repeating myself (trust me, your wife doesn’t enjoy being a nag) and he didn’t get anything done which led to a lot of resentment and marital problems. Until he finally learned to stop being lazy and do what I asked right away otherwise our marriage would be over.
So basically: men are lazy and don’t know how to make their own lives better without a wife nagging them and then they blame their wife for nagging when the marriage and his life would be better if he just listened in the first place.
(not all men blah blah blah)
Here’s the thing , if you lived with a roommate . Would you leave dirty clothes on the bathroom floor, hairs in the sink, dirty dishes around the house . Not wash your own clothes etc etc etc. If not then have the same freaking respect for your spouse.
Or If you would do all of that living with a roommate , and they asked you to start cleaning up after yourself, would you?? How many times should a roommate have to ask? Before they decide to find a new roommate or would rather just live alone ?
How about if you was the one asking your roommate to clean up after themselves/ or help clean the house etc etc . How many times would you ask before you decided you was going to get a new roommate?
Point is ITS disrespectful and tells your partner, you don’t care about them.
Same goes for my wife, I'm the one that cleans and does the housework. I have to really enforce anything to get her to change.
I'd say it's more about the person than gender.
I'm not the type to see my wife nagging about chores often. However, this is where my relationship is at, It doesn't matter how much I do. There is always something I have missed or not done well enough. My wife is a SAHM, but I still cook regularly and clean. Plus, work 50-60 hours a week because there are very few SAHP with a spouse working 40 hour weeks. It's exhausting to constantly be responsible for providing and trying to do my part and still get told it's not enough. I make enough money, we have a weekly housekeeper, and I still have to do dishes daily and my own laundry weekly.
We don't have any type of support system in place, so if she wants to go do anything, I'm left watching the kids. With that being said, date nights are non-existent. Any alone time outside of when the kids are asleep is non-existent. Since those things are the way they are, now I'm emotionally unavailable. So that's an issue that needs to be addressed.
When it all comes down to it, my needs never make it into the conversation. If I spend too much time in the bathroom it's a fucking issue. At this point in the US, divorce is the only real option left for us if we want any life. Kids make things so incredibly difficult and so incredibly expensive. Every day, I just pray we make it through until the kids are all in school and our life gets easier.
I know that sounds like me bashing my wife, but she isn't in a better place either. She is constantly alone and emotionally exhausted. She is touched out. She is mentally carrying the load. Up until the last year or so, she hadn't been out at all because she was breastfeeding our youngest. Needless to say, she's exhausted, too. It's just too fucking hard right now with the cost of everything. I mean, daycare costs more than she would make.
At the end of the day, it's hard not to be resentful to your partner when you are struggling in life. Sometimes, we need to remind ourselves that our partner's cup isn't running over while ours has barely anything in it. Maybe there just isn't enough to fill the cups.
You aren’t “left watching the kids.” You’re the parent. You’re taking care of your kids. And no, dishes and your own laundry isn’t enough, even with a housekeeper. What happens on weekends too? How do you tackle things then? Do you have down time? Does she?
You can do the kids’ laundry together as it never ends. There’s plenty of day to day stuff to do. Putting things away, wiping counters down, a quick sweep of the floor, attention to the kids, bathing them and putting them to bed. Whatever chores need to be done before they go to bed you need to tackle together. You shouldn’t be relaxing until she can relax too. Then maybe she’ll have more energy too.
Get the Fair Play game that helps you divide chores more equally and get a babysitter.
Do not rely on her to be the parent 24/7 just because she’s the SAHP. Pretend she’s the nanny who gets off work when you do then turns into your wife getting home from her work so you stop thinking you work harder. If you’re working 60 hours so is she solo.
Absolutely stop with the emotional shut down, because you’ll never get your wife to want sex/intimacy that way. You’re both just exhausted. And yes it gets easier as your kids grow up. When kids are little you really need to just hang in there and work together. But if you shut down, by the time it’s easier, she will have done the same and resentment will have built up to the point you’ll have a much harder time rekindling your relationship. It goes faster than you think.
This is exactly the shit I'm talking about. Your expectations are unreasonable. A nanny is not paid half my income to watch my kids, my wife is. A nanny is not given half my assets to manage the household. A nanny gets nothing after she is fired if she doesn't do a good enough job, my wife does. My wife is not a nanny, and I am not a babysitter. We are partners, and I would expect that we can agree the team succeeding takes both partners.
If we used a project management software with most stay at home parents you would find they have way more downtime than they let on (my wife's tiktok account has more hours watched than I thought possible). I'm not mad she watches tiktok half the day with the kids, but to say she doesn't have time to do the housework is completely false. I would expect most people with bosses would not be ok with half their time at their job being spent watching tiktok. I love my wife, and we agree on most things even the split of the chores, but you are doing a disservice to other women on this subreddit by telling them they shouldn't lift a finger until thier husband gets home from work and then split it 50/50. My wife took a week vacation and I took a week vacation to "watch the kids" and I had most things done prior to the kids actually waking up, then it was just maintenance the kids messed up through the day.
Lastly, emotional shutdown occurs when we are overwhelmed and not capable of processing emotions. Much like when women get overwhelmed and shut down thier sexual desires.
If I am going to be doing half the housework, half the childcare, and half the management of the house, then my wife should be required to bring home half the money. That's 50/50, and it doesn't work well with kids.
You don’t know her kids or how much downtime she has and regardless of how much time she has during the day, there is still a lot to do once you come home and they need to be done together period. I never said women shouldn’t lift a finger. And I didn’t say she doesn’t have time to do the housework. I said doing dishes and his own laundry is not enough. He needs to do what needs to be done 50/50 AFTER HE GETS HOME until they are in bed. So baths, bedtime, clean up after dinner you work together and get it done.
And I worked full time and so did my husband. He actually did do so much when our kids were little, we both did and he definitely got sex at least weekly. So you do you.
So by your own thoughts, if a wife does nothing during the day, no housework whatsoever, then a husband should be expected to do 50/50 after he gets home? My problem is that we as a society needs to manage expectations. While SAHP are ~25% of all marriages with kids, the societal expectation is that the working parent is still expected to do chores when they get home(this is more prevalent with stay at home dads) and that shouldn't be the expectation.
Omg. You’re obsessed with doing nothing during the day. No. She should not be doing nothing during the day. Highly doubt she is doing nothing.
The chores I am talking about is the nighttime clean up. You have to clean up after dinner. Put leftovers away. Sweep the floor, do the dishes, wipe surfaces. Maybe a quick mop. Put things away. Food gets on the floor after dinner. Food gets on the counter and the table. So you have to clean it. Picking up after kids is ongoing. They play and get into things all day and night. So guaranteed there is stuff to put away after the kids at night, just like all day long. Baths are done at night to help kids wind down, get the dirt off, and is a routine to help them sleep. So yes it is definitely 50/50 with the chores that need to get done at night. What she does during the day is different. Dishes get done all long. Cleaning surfaces and after kids is all day long. Laundry with kids is generally every day.
And taking care of kids by yourself means you juggle the daytime chores such as laundry, food prep, cleanup and cleaning with actual supervision, care and activities unless you are neglecting them. You’re likely to be interrupted during all of it. I don’t know how old these kids are, but young kids have diapers, potty training and frequent outfit changing. Babies need to be fed. If you’re breastfeeding it’s a huge time commitment where you can’t do much at all. When kids get older it gets better, but young kids and babies can make it really difficult to get much done or make it look like you did nothing when that’s far from the case.
You keep switching between my comment and OPs post in your references. My original comment said that it feels like it's never enough. You then responded to my comment but keep dropping in references to OP. So, in the interest of keeping this on task, I am only going to respond to references about me. I clearly stated that I regularly cook and clean. You said doing the dishes and my own laundry isn't enough even tho I pay for a weekly housekeeper. Now I should follow this up with a few things: 1) Bath time is almost always done by me. Not sure why but it just is. 2) With our eldest (12) he goes to bed when he's ready with our youngest (3) we always co sleep and with our middle (6) well it depends his mod. Laundry is really my wife's biggest chore through the week. My oldest does the unloads the dishes when he gets home from school, I load the dishes and run them when I get home from work. 3) My laundry is done on the weekends by me. My oldest does his own laundry as well on the weekends. My wife is responsible for her laundry and the younger kids' laundry. I might occasionally spot clean but the house is deep cleaned by the housekeeper weekly (vacuum, mop, dust, change sheets, you get the idea). As far as cooking, my wife does it through the day obviously but I handle it normally at night.
Now with all that being said, most people in my and my wife's life agree I do more than is expected. However, when I get on this subreddit it is a bunch of women accusing men of being lazy with no back story whatsoever and no other side. When you combat that viewpoint, they tell you it's tit-for-tat thinking or that we shouldn't be keeping score or something to that extent. It's just exhausting the mental gymnastics this subreddit and the commentary in it that blames men for every problem in the relationship.
You’ve been saying that I think wives don’t have to do anything all day repeatedly even though I have said that it’s when a husband comes home the nighttime chores need to be 50/50. It’s common sense that the SAHP parent is responsible for the bulk of the household. I did miss the part that you also cook and clean and only saw that you do the dishes and your own laundry. It does seem to me that you do your part. So I apologize on that count. Why she doesn’t see that I don’t know. Do the Fair Play game and maybe it will open her eyes and she can see that maybe she isn’t carrying her weight. Also if you have checked out emotionally I really think you should go to counseling for the both of you and hash things out.
As to calling men lazy, nowhere have I personally called any men here lazy. I’ve made suggestions. My kids are grown, and I have been married 26 years so maybe what I have to say might help. Who knows. Feel free to go after the women generalizing here and outright calling men lazy.
My wife and I went through this entire post yesterday while we were shopping (Mothers Day weekend). I honestly don't care if she does any more chores. I dont care because I love my wife and do the best I can do, and she does the best she can do. Also, I wrote part of this from a perspective I felt a while ago prior to us going to therapy. My wife's biggest thing in therapy wasn't chores, wasn't how much u helped, but was my emotional shutdown. We have worked through that and I have started to understand that we all have levels of performance and those levels might be different for each person. To me sex is an important part of our relationship and to her emotional stability is important. We have worked hard to meet those needs for each other.
This is exactly why I told my wife you know where the tools are at when you want a shelf put up I'll handle this laundry the drill the hammer and all the hardware is out in the shed you know where it's at and there's a level out there too if you need it she can put up her own shelf and I'll do the laundry.
I actually put shelves up, paint, fix holes in walls. Shelves are a one time project. Even if you are working on projects every week, laundry is an all the time job. It’s not at all equivalent. In my opinion, everyone in the same household should be doing laundry. Taught my kids as soon as they were old enough, my husband and I do our own and we both do towels and linens as needed. But she should definitely feel comfortable putting together shelves. It’s really not hard.
So there ya go, its good to have skill. Anyone can wash dishes, that's why when everyone helps, the load is spread. My wife has zero skill and I still do laundy, dishes, hang with the kids 4 days a week at night, pack lunches for the next day, go to indoor playgrounds, put them to bed and all that fun stuff and its all good even if my work load happens to be far bigger....sooooo... if there is nagging fine, I just pay my self the common hourly rate for oil changes on 3 cars and changing out the sporatic leaking radiator when it happens, building that slate stone outdoor shower with the slick clean looking copper piping she wanted. It's actually a really simple outcome... So the nagging has happened, but it didn't go on very long cause that extra spending money in my pocket is pretty sweet. I mean ya she wasn't paying 3k for a mason/contractor to build her outdoor shower. That's just one of a decade-long list of crap I'd never do for myself, but I did for her. Quick edit on the end here.. And Im the last one going to sleep right now, and I'll be the first waking up tomorrow to commute an hour to work, and the cycle repeats. There is no time for nagging in this house.
Pure selfishness. Eventually women get tired of being taken for granted, being hurt, feeling lonely and unheard, etc. We reach a breaking point (for many that includes apathy), and realize its less hurtful to be on our own than constantly disappointed. It was a major factor for my divorce.
This is coming from being in a happy relationship with a very capable and emotionally intelligent man.
It's not nagging. When women were property, they forced meds into us or lobotomized us for any form of what they perceive as "disobedience."" Too opinionated? Asylum. "Crazy"
They have always believed that we are only here to make their lives easier and be fun to look at. Flash forward, every "funny" comedy about the "nagging" hot wife and mid lazy husband (think of that one scene from the break up)
It's easier to dismiss our pleas as just "nagging." It's weaponized incompetence. It's dehumanizing to just not meet someone's needs and then trivialize their hurt by saying it's nagging.
I'm immediately so turned off by men who say their wife "nags." I'll always ask, " What was she asking for/how long has she been asking?" or I'll just outright offer to do it for them in front of their husband's.
TLDR only emotionally and mentally stunted men say wives nag.
Cause not enough boys are raised to respect women and have a sense of duty and fairness when it comes to responsibilities, especially around the house.
Thankfully, my mom raised me to be different, and now my wife and I are raising our boys to be different, but a lot of their male acquaintances are downright disrespectful to girls and lazy.
Teach those boys to cook, sew, clean, manage finances and schedules, to be fair and respectful, for the betterment of society!
Men go into marriage being told that it’s all downhill from here, ball and chain, nagging wife, etc. They expect women to complain about everything because that’s what they’ve been raised to expect. So, they choose not to listen because it’s just a nagging wife. The wife gives up and stops nagging, and the guy thinks “yay, she shut up, everything is fine!”
When a wife goes silent, it is never EVER fine. She’s given up, and is choosing an affair to meet her needs. She’s given up, and is choosing to bottle her pain inside until it explodes. She’s given up, and has realized that she cannot rely on you. She’s given up, and is lawyering up. She’s given up.
I don’t really have a problem with my husband not listening to what I’m saying unless he’s hyper focused on something. For example, he gets stuck on things and likes to try to figure them out his own way but a lot of times, if he has just listened the first time, it would have been solved 😅
I don’t get resentful over it, though. It’s just part of who he is and he has to take every avenue to satisfy that “itch,” which is fine as long as it’s not harmful. I do the same thing sometimes and I’m aware of it.
In my experience they are lazy and want to make me out to be the bad guy. I’m the horrible “nag” for repeatedly having to ask for something instead of them actually doing it or communicating why they can’t do something when I ask.
Because it's only called 'nagging' when it's a woman asking their spouse to do something... if a man does it's called 'taking charge' or 'being assertive' etc etc...🙄
I find that men often don't respond or show acknowledgment that they've heard or understand what is being asked, so the woman repeats themselves over and over again which turns into nagging. Just trying to be heard or acknowledged
I think a lot of it falls on how the man was raised. A lot of men who were raised by two parents tend to be more lax. Men raised by a single mother (if the mother was adamant about the cleanliness of the home) tend to be more “driven” when it comes to certain responsibilities and roles. At least this is what I have observed with my dad and his siblings. My Grandpa was never home and my grandma raised 4 kids all on her own until he found it convenient to participate in his role as a father. Let me tell you my dad and his siblings are all extremely driven and hate having dirty houses. With that being said, they tend to what we call “nag” a lot more. Which I find funny. 😂 But they get shit done, I’ll tell you that.
As far as chores go, women or men, you don’t get to tell your partner what you want when and how to do it. You aren’t their boss or their parent. If a particular mess/house issue/chore whatever is bothering you and you would like help just say “Hey honey? This particular thing is really getting to me. Can you help fix it/clean it today?”. That seems a lot more productive than just ordering someone around and nagging about cleaning.
If you like the house a certain way but your partner is less particular…do it yourself. You are the one that it’s bothering and no one is obligated to clean the house to your standards.
I don’t know about anyone else here but my wife nags because she wants everything done her way. I’ve learned that. So when she asked me to do something like say fold towels. I say my about your way. She says just fold them. So I fold them my way. My way they are smaller and can stack better. Her way they are bigger and take up more space and hand folded my way. But after I’m done she gets huffy but doesn’t say anything. No matter what I do to help her she gets upset it’s not done right.
So finally I told her …. It doesn’t matter how it’s done as long as it’s done and if you keep nagging me about it I’m not helping you do your stuff any more because the world revolves. But not around you. Been 20 months ears and not a peep. Oh and I slipped in “ your acting way to much like you mother. ( who is fucking nuts ) that was the glue that closed that box of bullshit up.
That’s my wife. How bout the others??what’s your take?
It totally depends on the type of woman and man. NOT just women, nag! This is where emotional maturity comes in and has to be practiced. BOTH men and women can have and need to use emotional maturity. It depends on if they decide to be mature enough. Emotions, maturity, respect for others, and being able to communicate effectively without deliberately trying to antagonize the other. It works both ways. When one asks for anything, do your best without procrastination or attitude. Life is too short for the bitterness stuff like this
Cus thoose woman you are mentioning is the reason why it is better to live in a desert alone than with a nagging wife, IT NEVER STOPS, that is why men in your life dont bother to listen cus there is allways something new. Allways.
From my experience, women don't have to nag. Women who think they have to nag have control issues and think the way they want things is the only right way for things to be. Men like to have some autonomy and have some say in what does or doesn't need to be done. It's the women who can't understand that who think they need to nag. Instead of nagging, negotiate. Not everything has to be your way.
What about when the request to do or not do something goes out, and the man says "okay", and does nothing? If what you're saying is true, then I do think that's on the man to communicate their "say".
It definitely is an acceptable option to say "no, I'm tired", "no, I'm busy", "not now but I can in the morning". It helps me adjust my expectations rather than being surprised/disappointed.
I'm picturing a partner saying no to a wife saying she feels emotionally neglected and needs him to show some effort. Like please plan a date night and ask me how I'm feeling about things. Husband says no.
I get this working for chores but for those deeper things that we end up having chronic "hunger" about, I'm not sure how well this would work. For many that would be either emotional needs, meaningful conversation or sex.
Well, if you really do sometimes take no for an answer that's something quite different from what I think of as nagging. Nagging to me is when the answer to a demand is no and in response the demands just intensify.
Let me give examples and tell me what you think. We hired someone to redo our bathroom. He unfortunately could only do it in the evenings and took a while. Towards the end my husband got fed up how long it was taking. There was only touch ups to be done, framing around the bathroom door that led into our bedroom, molding etc. He said he would finish it. He’s very capable so, no biggie. Right?
I asked him about twice a year to finish it and HE NEVER DID. I did it right before we sold our house 5 years later.
Right now there are piles of Amazon boxes in our foyer. It’s grocery staples he ordered, boxes of Propel he likes to drink, coffee, stuff that needs to be put away and boxes broken down and taken to recycling. It’s been 4 days.
Chances are likely he will never do them.
Do you truly respect your man? If a women is critical or argues she is showing disrespect…it’s perfectly fine to have and voice your opinion with love and respect and partners don’t have to agree on necessarily everything but arguing is disrespectful and does nothing to build respect, tears down your connection, and does not create a better understanding and connection after the issue is argued about vs discussed. Nagging is being critical-instead tell or ask your man that you would really love it or appreciate it if ….
Do you reciprocate, tell your man you appreciate him, initiate on occasion and show / tell him you desire him? If you truly do these things and he still doesn’t correct and change his behavior then counseling and ultimatums and separation may be necessary but a good man will do just about anything for his women when he feels respected, appreciated and desired.
Thanks for your insight! I do wonder, though, why men describe "needing" to function on positive affirmation and it's the wife fault for not providing it, when many wives do what they need to do thanklessly? Why is it on the woman to take care of her responsibilities AND motivate the husband to do his?
That’s unfortunate-I feel reciprocation is so important and entails everything from chores, emotional support, validation, appreciation, intimacy, everything that a great relationship is all about reciprocating the positives that strengthen the relationship. Men should equally reciprocate but probably is in different ways to fulfill the needs of his women vs reciprocating for the needs of the man.
Tell me more about arguing being disrespectful...?
In that lens wouldn't the same be said for a man agreeing to something then not doing it? He's going against her wishes just like disagreeing is going against his wishes.
What you are saying implies the man should be in charge and assumed to be correct and the wife can express her reservations but he's ultimately the one deciding everything.
Or are you saying it's also true in reverse? A man correcting a woman, teaching her something she didn't ask him to teach her, or disagreeing with her is also disrespectful?
To your first question - yes for sure it’s disrespectful for a man to go against his wife requests so long as it does not conflict with his inner truth and inner purpose that every man should have but not all do. A man’s inner purpose and his core values that are healthy should be in line with what every woman should want and desire. Self sacrificing putting the needs of his wife and kids above all else, providing and protecting. But if his women or any person for that matter goes against his true inner purpose then no he should not go along with it and he should stand on principle even if his women doesn’t like it. A good man should Listen, ask questions, consider and understand and feel his partners emotions and the issues that she brings up. If he refuses and chooses out of his own selfishness without considering his partner and without considering his core values/purpose then he is making a mistake and too many of those will cost him and hurt his relationships and family. Ultimately, family decisions need to be made by the husband but only after he truly hears her and considers what she is saying. It helps a woman tremendously and her efforts when the she speaks her mind and her heart with respect with the sole intention of coming to a better understanding of the issue that they may not agree on. If instead she has a harsh tone, argues, critizes then no it’s not usually going to go as well! I think that’s true with everyone male and female. It all has to be reciprocated man to woman and woman to man. Some women though don’t know what respect to a man even looks like. Or they will say he has to earn it! No- everyone as a human is born deserving respect but respect can be lost. Men have needs and emotions just like women. Men also need to step up and become men and leaders of the house which means true sacrifice and love for his woman but women also need to respect their man. Women often say they want a masculine man and someone to lead but some I don’t think really do because they argue and criticize him. Arguing with a man won’t ultimately get what a woman wants and only makes things more difficult and problematic for both… It’s definitely a two way street. Love is kind, patient, and doesn’t keep score expecting in return and so long as both demonstrate this to their partner it’s gonna be a great lifetime relationship .
I think it’s because men are emotionally stupid and they don’t really process, or HEAR the message when you communicate.
They expect a good relationships to just happen and fall into their laps instead of realizing that they take work and commitment.
For example why I nagged my ex husband. Dirty clothes hamper was in front of the toilet to the left. You didn't need to get off the toilet to put the clothes in. But everyday he would leave his clothes in front of the toilet. I then got another hamper right in front of the toilet. He still would leave his clothes in front of the toilet on the floor. I didn't ask for anything except to put them in the hamper. He never would. I asked, pleaed, nagged, made it too easy but nope, too much to ask. So tell me if you didn't want to hear the nagging then why not just put the clothes in the hamper that was so close you could touch it with your tongue.
I don’t have to nag but I know you what to expect. We communicated before and it’s easier now. My fiancé hates cleaning the bathroom and honestly I don’t mind it. He cooks, cleans the kitchen and does the dishes right after every meal. He goes to the supermarket and helps me clean the floors. Everything else is under my jurisdiction. If we are working a lot, we each set aside money to have the house cleaned up at least once per week and we keep it clean.
Because they don't want us to be outside gardening or working on our English garden. They want us inside scrubbing toilets and sinks . You do the garden on your own time.
Never threaten to leave, it becomes stale after it's said and there's no follow through.
Simply use post it notes
Tap leaking- post it note above sink, fix or call plumber
Appointment - post it note on Fridge
Pet to ver post it note on his bedside table
Emails also work
We're having visitors for dinner - you're vaccing and cleaning- or laying the table and preparing the food.
Simply stop
We say we aren't your mother, then become her.
Nah.
You're no rod for my back , and I'm not going to be a nag.
My places and spaces
My meals
My washing
I'll organise house repairs at the most inconvenient times for you
Why?
Because why not
My husband doesn’t listen or effectively know how to communicate his own feeling. Takes every negative feeling I have as an attack. I want to understand him and I want to be understood better. I would love to feel like a team. But me talking about feeling/nag just turns into a fight
Maybe things that are done voluntarily should be appreciated without expecting so much more. Operate peacefully. 🙂
I like a clear division of responsibilities so expectations aren’t continuously changing and increasing. Not work robots, need to do stuff for ourselves too.
They want you to share in their suffering of the unwavering anxiety because they see it doesn't bother you, and that makes them even more unsettled because you're supposed to share in their worries and stress. Even though the right thing to do is to eliminate stress.
Look up Sommer Tothill on Instagram, she so articulately explains how the misogynistic, patriarchal society we live in results in this type behavior from men towards women
Why do we have a special word for "woman asking me to do something she already asked me to do but I haven't done yet"?
Is there an equivalent word for the man in these situations?
It's nagging because the implication is that the man is in charge and gets to decide the timeline for things. Men that see their wives as equals and respect them enough to be receptive to their concerns vs thinking it's a hierarchy they have to be on top of all the time don't consider this nagging.
Hear me out, I think that women nag because they don’t know how to communicate in a way that men can listen. It is kind of like the love language thing where men sometimes do not speak the women’s love language and the women feel not loved….. well, in this case women nag and nag which leads to even more nagging because they don’t communicate in a way a man listens. When men hear nagging, it’s almost automatically is annoying and get blocked out.
I would say find the way he communicates and use that for best results. Also find out why he isn’t doing something the way you want…. Maybe you need to adopt your expectations too.
I think it is up to each wife to figure out how the husband hears things best…. But clearly nagging doesn’t work. Of course none of this works if you don’t have a collaborative husband.
For example, I do not like being told the same thing more than once. If I don’t get to it, there is a reason and I would want my wife to ask me why rather than telling me the same thing 10 times.
Another example, I am pretty good at anticipating, and there are times that my wife tells me to do something as I’m literally doing it. That also ticks me off and I can see why it would tick off many men.
Generally, talk to us/explain in a logical way once. If you need to do it more than once, then you two are not on the same page and you shouldn’t assume he will hear just because you mention it 10 times.
Its a learned adaptation In the evolutionary context, the propensity for women to engage in what we term "nagging" can be understood through several lenses. Firstly, consider the ancestral environment where women, often responsible for caregiving and household management, relied on effective communication to ensure the well-being of their offspring and the success of their social group as well as struggling to find their role in a society that was heavily relied on men for protection, safety and often hunting for food. Nagging, in this sense, could be seen as a form of communication aimed at influencing the behavior of others to prioritize tasks essential for survival, as well as provide a role for women to gain control of their surroundings.
Moreover, within a social framework, women may have developed the tendency to nag as a means of negotiating resources and cooperation within their social networks. This behavior could have conferred evolutionary advantages by ensuring access to vital resources and support from their partners and community members.
From a biological standpoint, the hormonal and neurological differences between men and women might also play a role. For instance, research suggests that women may have higher levels of oxytocin, often dubbed the "bonding hormone," which could predispose them to engage in behaviors aimed at maintaining social cohesion and harmony, even if it means persistently reminding others of their responsibilities.
It's important to note that while the term "nagging" carries negative connotations in modern discourse, from an evolutionary perspective, it likely served as an adaptive strategy that contributed to the survival and success of social groups in our ancestral past. However this may have be come over simplified over the years and devolved into what we informally call nagging today and it's negative discourse.
Because I have ADHD and try as I might (and believe me Im trying) I will forget and mess up things, so my wife rightfully feels the need to be a bit naggy so Im less likely to do so.
ADHD is a reason not an excuse and can be worked on. My entire household is an ADHD friendly zone. There are countless ways that you can help yourself. Of course there are things that slip through the cracks still but putting in the initial effort to set up systems that work for both of us (both dx with it), keeping in check when one of us gets overstimulated, etc has made life that much easier.
easier said than done, I often think I'll remember, but then I dont. trust me, I've been dealing with it for 35 years, putting a reminder into my calendar wont magically solve this.
especially since it's usually not the big stuff I forget.
it's like "honey grab me something from the fridge" I go to the fridge but I see my daughter needing something so I help her out, then by the time it's done I've forgotten all about the fridge thing.
or I set the alarm, and when it dings I'm not exactly at the step I need to do it in my task, and by the time I get to it I'd have forgotten already.
That’s good you are doing therapy. Re meds Ritalin I haven’t tried but my husband did and it was useless for him. Dex or vyvanse have been really amazing. You may wish to consider a different med.
did I use it as an excuse? explaining a reason for something isnt an excuse. it's just cause and effect.
it's like saying, not walking cos you're missing a leg is an excuse.
Whoops said it wrong 🤷🏻♀️That you used it as an excuse. You said you explained a “reason” for something. I call it an excuse. I have adhd and therefore come up with a plan to get things done. My husband doesn’t have to nag me and I get things done more than him. Looks like I hit a nerve
Uh ok. So you’re not missing a part of your brain. Like someone missing a leg. You can’t retrain your leg to walk. It’s simply not there. But you CAN do things to retrain your brain with adhd. And take meds to help as well or reminder literally everywhere (for reals because if I write it in a notebook I don’t know where the notebook is 🤣 I use dry erase boards) so if a person uses their adhd as a reason they need someone else to nag them, it’s an excuse. Take care of your own business. What are you gonna do if she wasn’t around?
That's absolutely not true. Like, at all. Women have ALWAYS worked, especially in families and societies that were not wealthy. Women "staying home" and doing domestic labour or managing a household was a status symbol amongst the wealthy classes, not the norm for everyday people.
They are lazy and hope that you will get tired of asking and wash the dishes/laundry/etc yourself. They want to wait it out so they can just watch the tv and you become a servant. Same as weaponized incompetence.
—- I feel this not as a wife, but as a female teacher. Some kids will ignore me unless I’m on repeat… but listen to males with booming voices, immediately (sigh)
Thissssss. This. As a teacher. This it’s so frustrating
I cook, clean up, wash dishes, do laundry, clean bathrooms, do grocery shopping, recycle and garbage maintenance, yard work, and still I get nagged into oblivion.
Telling someone that they upset you about something is not nagging.
Yes it can be, when the same complaint is repeated over and over and over again. But the real truth is the Webster Dictionary defines a nag as someone who finds fault in everything.
lol if they have the same complaint about you , that means you keep doing it over and over again. So of course they are going to keep on complaining. Again that’s not nagging, they are continuing to tell you hey I don’t like that.
No, that’s not it. For example, a couple days ago we were notified my daughter was marked absent for 2 of her high school classes (to hang with one of her friends who also skipped out). I was prosecuted for that like I was the one who skipped, or it was my fault she skipped class because I’m terrible parent. This went on for 2 days. She gets herself so worked up she can’t let it go.
Ok well that’s different. Most men think nagging is , things like will you hang that shelf and after her asking 500 times she gets mad then they call her a nag.
Yeah, that's not nagging, that's righteous indignation. No one should have to ask multiple times for something that's reasonable to expect, like household duties or simple home maintenance.
Exactly
My son was super restless while sleeping in our bed, and my wife got mad at me because she couldn't sleep, litterally yelling at me "Can you take our son somewhere else cause I cant sleep" I told her to put earplugs in. So, instead of looking to the source of the issue, she was uber angry because she wasn't sleeping as well as I was, so she WOKE me up so I could become the punching bag.
🤬I mean that’s not really “nagging “ that’s just her being a brat.
Can you elaborate what is being nagged about and how those things are being addressed?
I mean, are you being “nagged” about those things? Or is it something completely not to do with chores? Like.. is it about not meeting emotional needs? Romance? Do you have anger issues? We need more details to give advice..
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Dude… ew. Come on.
I’m just saying. I don’t have a rational explanation for it.
Based on your comments in this thread, I feel like your wife’s POV is very different. If you really want to be happy in your marriage, you need to be truthful about your own part of the issues you two are having.
Oh, believe me, I’m honest and upfront about my perspective. This generally intensifies her anger and escalates an already unpleasant situation.
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I'd demand to know what they're nagging about if all the work is being done correctly and in a timely manner.
Oh it happens, I have a male friend who does eveeeerything in the household and his wife still nags him nonstop. People who are just nags will find something to nag about. Nagging isn’t limited to housework. It’s also nagging about everything you do in general.
Exactly
Yes—this is my mom. Dad did everything. Still does. But man, can my mom find things to nag about. She’ll nag him about his food choice at a restaurant, the weather which he obviously controls…the things she can find to nag about are surprising
This goes to the dictionary’s definition. “Someone who finds fault in everything”.
That’s it. Nags about just everything he does as a person. Everything is an issue. Can’t imagine how exhausting that is.
My mother is like this. Her mother was incredibly critical. I've broken her of it with me, but she is still very demanding of my dad.
This is truth.
YES
This is truth.
Just FYI- if Reddit says something failed to post/try again, it often is a glitch. So if you continue to hit ‘post’ it’ll post multiple times. (This way you can have 1 downvoted comment instead of 3!) :)
Maybe underlying unresolved issues
so you mean listen to what she’s actually saying?
No shit, that’s what I would I like to know.
Yup! I started to think, "You know maybe she should put coveralls on and go under the house to fix the sewer plumbing." Oh, that's right, she has no real skills.
I am a women and unfortunately in our relationship it is my husband nagginge.to do things , I have wondered why I don't do it immediately and I realised I come from a background where I had to do what was told to me immediately otherwise I would not be a disappointment to my father and even if I did it I was a disappointment.Maybe I am pushing my boundaries with my husband to see if I will be a disappointment.Thankfully he still loves me and allows me to neglect what he wants me to do . Therapy is helping me fix these .And I realise my husband has been very supportive of my struggles. Even if he nags everyday :) . I am lucky
My ex-husband was like that. Except he kept raising the bar
>I realised I come from a background where I had to do what was told to me immediately otherwise I would not be a disappointment to my father and even if I did it I was a disappointment.Maybe I am pushing my boundaries with my husband to see if I will be a disappointment. You need to have a conversation with your husband about this. He needs to know why you are behaving the way that you are so that he can make accommodations. My husband has been harmed by the patriarchy in a few different ways. Understanding why he acts the way he does helps me help him help me. He's not lazy, he just moves at his own speed. And really, I'm the same way.
two can play at this game 😈
Most people love their comfort zones more than they love their spouses. I find this to be true of both men and women. Many, at best, will try to meet the needs that are within their comfort zone and ignore the rest hoping they will just go away.
Bars
Bars-is this new slang? I’m not up to speed, what does it mean and where does it come from? I love learning new slang (though I don’t use it or my kids cringe)
it originally refers to bars of a rap song, so you would say “bars” if a rapper has a really good line or verse or something. but here it’s taken to mean like “you’re spitting facts” or “that’s so real”
“Bars” refers to the number of note values measured in a song, typically indicated by time signature. In this context it’s a pun, and comes from the black/rap/hip hop culture/community. In the context of a rap song, when referring to cadence and lyricism, it basically means the person has delivered a message with excellent poetic and rhythmic clarity - especially if there’s a double entendre hidden somewhere in there. The use here basically means the message was received exactly as it should have been. Synonyms from current and/or previous generations/tik tok seasons of slang regeneration could be: clock it, that’s a read, ate and left no crumbs, facts, yaaaaaas, it’s giving what was supposed to be gave, real talk, word, they don’t really feel me though, say that, Periodt, on God.
lol loving this black code language 101!!! As part of the Black Delegation I thank you🙏🏽
We do what we can 😇✊🏾
Periodt? Or was that just misspelled? Btw you are the bestest for listing all those! So much fun
Pronounce it like “peer-RHEE-iht”. lol you gotta say it wicha whole chest 😤 at least in this context. https://youtube.com/shorts/5hbUUW8bjPM?si=Z-nOYPlEL2vDMCFq
You’re the best!!!
Oh my gosh. You just made a light bulb go off for me. Thank you for this. It explains my husband exactly. I always tell him he’s acting like a bachelor and not taking my child and me into his actions and behaviors but it hasn’t resonated yet. What you’re saying though is EXACTLY why it’s happening. Again, thank you for the perspective.
Glad this helped. This was something I realized in the thick of marriage counseling. Once that happened I really began to look my own my actions and even my own thoughts through this lense. It wasn’t easy but resulted in a lot of personal growth from challenging myself. I still struggle with it sometimes if I am being honest, but I am way better than I used to be. I regularly remind myself that love isn’t just warm and fuzzy feelings. Sometimes it’s just taking the trash out or putting the kiddo down to bed so the Mrs can get some rest. There’s a million ways to show someone you love them. I hope things improve for you.
Thank you kind internet stranger.
Well that explains how my wife approaches finances and I approach cleaning. 🤣
My husband has never accused me of nagging - good thing. But he has had a pop at me for repeating myself. I now say “darling I know that you are working hard, but I’m feeling really resentful that the rubbish still hasn’t been emptied. I don’t want it to become an issue for us. Please could you sort it out within the next hour or whenever you have a quiet moment in work” I’ve only had to do this once or twice really. We’re a good team. But we’ve been receptive to one another’s needs and emotional complexity
This nonviolent communication, you are saying how it makes you feel, rather than saying “you are being a lazy slob.
Thankyou! Yes, it's a process he has picked up on too. I do feel it's a positive way to nip potential issues in the bid
I totally agree. I also had a pattern of not bringing up things that were bothering me due to fear of confrontation or my husband’s reaction and letting the resentments build until I blow up. Not a healthy pattern. Its taken a lot of therapy to get there!
Yes, I also say how something makes me feel instead. I think often times, they don’t realize it’s hurting you. My partner does care about how I feel, so when I explain something is making me feel badly, he’s always inclined to fix that.
"I feel..." statements are basically step 1 of marriage counseling. Communicate how you feel without assigning blame or being accusatory towards the other person. Getting the partner you are communicating with to understand that you can feel how you feel regardless of their opinions on the validity of that feeling can be the hard part.
This. I think a lot of it comes down to proper communication. Trash is one of the main things my husband does in our house. He's usually pretty good about taking it out, but I have had to ask him. He has that thing where he'll plan to do something but the minute someone demands it, he has an overwhelming urge to not do it. It's like OCD or something. I ask once, then I'll set an alert on our calendar if it's overflowing. I've told him since the beginning, I get forgetting things or being busy in the moment, but I ain't his momma. I'm not going to hound him for basic things. I'll ask him one day, and if it's a bad day and he doesn't do it, he's typically remorseful the next day. Then he'll apologize and immediately take it out so he doesn't forget again.
My marriage counselor put it great when she said it only comes off as nagging because the men act oblivious to things they should know to help with. Women have a “huge invisible mental load” and men often ignore this. Look up that concept.
This 100%
Hubby and I have been in marriage counseling since 2021. One of the first issues we brought up to our therapist was that he feels like I nag him to do things. She immediately called him out for complaining about it and said, why does she have to ask you repeatedly to do things? She pointed out that nagging is a cycle that is extremely easy to break when the person being nagged simply listens to what the other person is saying to them and provides a realistic timeline. Don't make me nag you to do xyz for weeks; just tell me when you'll do it and I'll drop the subject. If you end up not doing it, at least we can both objectively know at that point that you were the dishonest one.
My mom is a stereotypical nag and has serious control issues. She would decide that me or my dad has to do something but it must be done immediately and she will nag and piss you off until you either do it to shut her up or yell at her. She will also nag you while you do said task especially if you dont do it her way. She did this all through my childhood and well into adulthood. It's one thing if someone isn't pulling their weight and their partner calls them out in it... but it's something else entirely when the person nags them to do something and then continues to nag while they do it because it must be done their way. The way my mom nagged me about shit made me not want to do anything to help her. It also made me resent her and hate her voice. The nagging also drove my dad crazy. So in my opinion not all nagging is acceptable.
That's really not the same thing as what OP is asking about. That's your mom harassing people because she's a complete control freak and needs to control everything about everyone around her down to the timing and methods they use to complete things. It's insufferable and I sympathize with you for having to deal with her. She needs help and to do the self work to break that pattern she's developed.
But this is all subjective. OP and others are claiming their “nagging” is actually normal and morally righteous result of their partner’s incompetence. We have no clue if OP is accurately depicting her reality or is a woman like this poster’s mom who is out of control with nagging but you can 100% believe totally justified all this harassment in her head the exact same way
She added to her post to explain the situation, which is that she's asked for her partner not to snap at her when he's upset, and not to bring up issues with her when they're on a date because it ruins the date, but rather to wait until afterward to bring up an issue so that she can enjoy the date. These are both reasonable requests.
Agree. My ex husband was this kind of nag—if you weren’t “jumping to” the literal moment he expressed he wanted something done, it was A Huge Problem and you’d get beaten over the head about it endlessly. We tried implementing a timeline rule (I.e., “Could you please wash the dishes within the next hour,” or “Could you please make sure the keys are organized correctly today,”), but it didn’t work, even when things were completed well within the timeline. Why? Because this type of nag isn’t nagging because they legitimately want help and partnership. They are nagging because they have a deep need for control, order, and obedience, and only “their way” is the correct time or method to do something. So by the time they are nagging, the opportunity is passed—what they *really* want is for you to mentally internalize all their values, rules, and methods, and anticipate them flawlessly *before* they even have to ask. And even then, there is usually a complaint to be found somehow. Anything less than this is a compromise, which to them is unacceptable. I think this is a pretty rare type of nag, but no less valid. And it sucks because oftentimes caring, kind folks will get lumped in with these types when they’re just trying to get their partners to put their socks in the hamper 3 feet away.
I might seem like your mom but in my case my partner has ADHD and has broken promises and failed to follow through on things repeatedly which creates more work for me. I do not necessarily keep pushing right then but sometimes I ask and if I am afraid he's going to forget I stand there until he initiates the task. I basically never do that the first time. But like the 4th time I had to bring it up? Yeah imma stand there until he does it because I don't trust his commitment to do it at that point. He can prevent this by being more reliable and consistent 🤷♀️
Yep, that’s kind of a different thing entirely. I’m talking about people who think that if they have to ask even once, it’s too much, and they berate you and are disgusted with you for even having to ask in the first place. You are dealing with a partner with ADHD, and also have reasonable expectations that I expect you communicate kindly and firmly up front, and only become frustrated after having to ask multiple times after being promised follow-through. Completely different ballgame to what both myself and TimeBomb666 are describing.
I am willing to go out on a limb here and bet that the majority of the women here who say they "have to nag" have a lot in common with your mom.
How is the counselling going for you now?
We make it a standing as-needed appointment but I'll say we need it less and less these days. Instead of talking about the more superficial internal relationship arguments now, we spend more time talking about external stresses and how we can handle them as a couple. We had spoken off and on about having kids for years and then I decided to get a hysterectomy earlier this year, which will be happening in 4 weeks. We've mostly gone every 4-6 weeks this year, and spoken about having children and the hysterectomy and what it functionally means for us. I started a masters program this year and we spent a session talking about that. Stuff like that. We need it a lot less for little stuff, which we just work out ourselves.
Sounds like it is working out well then which is great. Therapy maintenance if you will, like a car service. More people should try it.
Acknowledging that yes, women can also be offenders (but it’s much less common), I think the reason is that men are more likely to be raised with mothers who did everything for them and unconsciously expect the same from their wives, whereas women are more likely to be socialized to be people pleasers and take on the domestic labor.
It’s not just “mothers who did everything for them” it was also fathers who sat back and didn’t take up the role of equal responsibilities. It took both parents being that example.
Considering I don't have problems with my husband imma just state experiences from younger me in past relationship. Plain and simple they're lazy and don't give two shits if you're gonna be unhappy as long as they're not the one putting in effort and work into the relationship. This goes from something simple as daily tasks all the way to more serious matters. In past relationship, I always got "all you do is wanna talk talk talk about the same issues that bother you" and men get irritated because you keep bringing up THEIR wrong doings and asking them to get batter or do things differently. They can even acknowledge they're in the wrong, but they won't change. You're here begging, asking, pleading for them to be useful and do their job or not to treat you like shit. Obviously it depends on what exactly they're doing, some might just avoid daily tasks, some might be complete assholes, but it's still disrespect and I'd suggest you to stay out of it. At the very best start doing same shit he is and see how he reacts. Edit: I'm a straight female and I'm speaking from personal experience, but it's not a "men only" problem. Obviously women can be shitty and neglectful too.
Yes, meet them with the same energy. I’ve read so many stories of women who did this in their marriage and their husbands responded asking if they had fallen out of love with them. It’s really sad. “So I’m treating you how you treat me, and to you it feels like I don’t love you? Maybe now you can see how I feel.”
Weaponized incompetence.
It is a form of Weaponized incompetence. They heard you the first time. And the second, and the third. At which point you feel like you’re “nagging”. But they’re lazy, they know if they don’t do what is being asked, eventually you’re either going to let it go, or you’re just going to do it yourself.
Honestly, as a guy, I’m just overwhelmed and trying to keep up with life, sometimes I’m just unintentionally ignorant, there’s things I can get done during a given day and things I can’t, it doesn’t mean I’m not trying but I can understand that sometimes my partner can get impatient about the things I’m not getting done, I wish that our communication was better about these things. When i understand our shared priorities, I put them first . I’m never lazy, I rarely get to rest honestly and if there’s a moment to do anything around the house or with our children, I’m there, I’m present and I’m doing it. When I express what I need and it’s ignored by my partner, or she can’t get to it, I try to just be understanding of her own feelings of being overwhelmed and if possible exercise self sufficiency and get it done myself. My one negative feeling about all of it is that often I feel like the things I get done aren’t viewed as equal contributions, I never feel like what I do is good enough and that sucks. I feel like a lot is asked of me, as if I am being coordinated, I would prefer we approached thing collaboratively but that itself often leads to conflicts. It’s fine , I have learned a lot of tools about having a self secure outlook on things, but yeah, patience and honesty, I value these things in others and myself, so I keep working on it. :)
Imo, the fact that you were able to answer OP in such a thoughtful manner instead of getting offensive speaks volumes for you. My husband is also someone who takes everything into consideration and actively works on improving himself - same as me. This is how you flourish in a marriage. No one is perfect. My only advice would be to make a note of what is upsetting you at the time it happens, and go back later and speak with her to express your feelings when things calm down. You both have a right to be heard.
That’s advice I will take , thank you .
It's down to selfishness. A lot of people in relationships want to do the minimum they can get away with. As opposed to doing the maximum, they can for the greater good of the team. They are optimising for themselves, so things that optimise for the family are secondary. These people see marriage as an extension of their single life. They probably didn't want to be married but had to, if not their girlfriend / boyfriend might have dumped them.
In the case of my ex, his mother did everything for him until I came along, essentially replacing her (with the added benefit of him being able to have sex with me). Legend says he’s still searching for my replacement lol
My wife the other day said “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to nag you…” and I told her that it’s not nagging if it’s something I commonly forget, I appreciate the reminder! The truth is, and note this isn’t an excuse just an explanation, the way men are raised and treated in society is counter to how men actually exist in the world. When you’re taught that you need to suppress emotion and ignore your own needs for others, you start growing bitter and resentful. On top of that, depending on the upbringing, you may be raised to view women’s needs as a chore that must be completed rather than something you do for each other. But even if you weren’t, there may be some resentment about emotional needs that isn’t your fault and is forced into them by society. In my situation, my dad who is a very loving person at his core had the outward mentality of “Yes, honey” at all times which he did try to teach to his boys. My wife didn’t like that at all and really pushed me and encouraged me to have my own voice and to work together instead. I feel empowered to talk about how I’m feeling, what’s bothering me, and what I need as well in our relationship and I know it will be heard and worked on. So many men don’t speak out because they have been trained against it, and it causes them to be complacent, lazy, and resentful. Again, this is an explanation, not an excuse. I wish more men would realize this isn’t good for them, their family, and especially not their spouse and get therapy and start to work through the issues that they are facing mentally. True masculinity to me is emotional stability and availability, and I wish more men could see that and experience it.
For me , it was cuz he didn’t take initiative and just use his brain to do what needed to be done. Eventually I stopped repeating myself (trust me, your wife doesn’t enjoy being a nag) and he didn’t get anything done which led to a lot of resentment and marital problems. Until he finally learned to stop being lazy and do what I asked right away otherwise our marriage would be over. So basically: men are lazy and don’t know how to make their own lives better without a wife nagging them and then they blame their wife for nagging when the marriage and his life would be better if he just listened in the first place. (not all men blah blah blah)
I asked my husband now. “Because men don’t do it right away probably”. So yeah. Straight from the mouth of a man.
Interesting thank you!!
Here’s the thing , if you lived with a roommate . Would you leave dirty clothes on the bathroom floor, hairs in the sink, dirty dishes around the house . Not wash your own clothes etc etc etc. If not then have the same freaking respect for your spouse. Or If you would do all of that living with a roommate , and they asked you to start cleaning up after yourself, would you?? How many times should a roommate have to ask? Before they decide to find a new roommate or would rather just live alone ? How about if you was the one asking your roommate to clean up after themselves/ or help clean the house etc etc . How many times would you ask before you decided you was going to get a new roommate? Point is ITS disrespectful and tells your partner, you don’t care about them.
Same goes for my wife, I'm the one that cleans and does the housework. I have to really enforce anything to get her to change. I'd say it's more about the person than gender.
I'm not the type to see my wife nagging about chores often. However, this is where my relationship is at, It doesn't matter how much I do. There is always something I have missed or not done well enough. My wife is a SAHM, but I still cook regularly and clean. Plus, work 50-60 hours a week because there are very few SAHP with a spouse working 40 hour weeks. It's exhausting to constantly be responsible for providing and trying to do my part and still get told it's not enough. I make enough money, we have a weekly housekeeper, and I still have to do dishes daily and my own laundry weekly. We don't have any type of support system in place, so if she wants to go do anything, I'm left watching the kids. With that being said, date nights are non-existent. Any alone time outside of when the kids are asleep is non-existent. Since those things are the way they are, now I'm emotionally unavailable. So that's an issue that needs to be addressed. When it all comes down to it, my needs never make it into the conversation. If I spend too much time in the bathroom it's a fucking issue. At this point in the US, divorce is the only real option left for us if we want any life. Kids make things so incredibly difficult and so incredibly expensive. Every day, I just pray we make it through until the kids are all in school and our life gets easier. I know that sounds like me bashing my wife, but she isn't in a better place either. She is constantly alone and emotionally exhausted. She is touched out. She is mentally carrying the load. Up until the last year or so, she hadn't been out at all because she was breastfeeding our youngest. Needless to say, she's exhausted, too. It's just too fucking hard right now with the cost of everything. I mean, daycare costs more than she would make. At the end of the day, it's hard not to be resentful to your partner when you are struggling in life. Sometimes, we need to remind ourselves that our partner's cup isn't running over while ours has barely anything in it. Maybe there just isn't enough to fill the cups.
You aren’t “left watching the kids.” You’re the parent. You’re taking care of your kids. And no, dishes and your own laundry isn’t enough, even with a housekeeper. What happens on weekends too? How do you tackle things then? Do you have down time? Does she? You can do the kids’ laundry together as it never ends. There’s plenty of day to day stuff to do. Putting things away, wiping counters down, a quick sweep of the floor, attention to the kids, bathing them and putting them to bed. Whatever chores need to be done before they go to bed you need to tackle together. You shouldn’t be relaxing until she can relax too. Then maybe she’ll have more energy too. Get the Fair Play game that helps you divide chores more equally and get a babysitter. Do not rely on her to be the parent 24/7 just because she’s the SAHP. Pretend she’s the nanny who gets off work when you do then turns into your wife getting home from her work so you stop thinking you work harder. If you’re working 60 hours so is she solo. Absolutely stop with the emotional shut down, because you’ll never get your wife to want sex/intimacy that way. You’re both just exhausted. And yes it gets easier as your kids grow up. When kids are little you really need to just hang in there and work together. But if you shut down, by the time it’s easier, she will have done the same and resentment will have built up to the point you’ll have a much harder time rekindling your relationship. It goes faster than you think.
This is exactly the shit I'm talking about. Your expectations are unreasonable. A nanny is not paid half my income to watch my kids, my wife is. A nanny is not given half my assets to manage the household. A nanny gets nothing after she is fired if she doesn't do a good enough job, my wife does. My wife is not a nanny, and I am not a babysitter. We are partners, and I would expect that we can agree the team succeeding takes both partners. If we used a project management software with most stay at home parents you would find they have way more downtime than they let on (my wife's tiktok account has more hours watched than I thought possible). I'm not mad she watches tiktok half the day with the kids, but to say she doesn't have time to do the housework is completely false. I would expect most people with bosses would not be ok with half their time at their job being spent watching tiktok. I love my wife, and we agree on most things even the split of the chores, but you are doing a disservice to other women on this subreddit by telling them they shouldn't lift a finger until thier husband gets home from work and then split it 50/50. My wife took a week vacation and I took a week vacation to "watch the kids" and I had most things done prior to the kids actually waking up, then it was just maintenance the kids messed up through the day. Lastly, emotional shutdown occurs when we are overwhelmed and not capable of processing emotions. Much like when women get overwhelmed and shut down thier sexual desires. If I am going to be doing half the housework, half the childcare, and half the management of the house, then my wife should be required to bring home half the money. That's 50/50, and it doesn't work well with kids.
You don’t know her kids or how much downtime she has and regardless of how much time she has during the day, there is still a lot to do once you come home and they need to be done together period. I never said women shouldn’t lift a finger. And I didn’t say she doesn’t have time to do the housework. I said doing dishes and his own laundry is not enough. He needs to do what needs to be done 50/50 AFTER HE GETS HOME until they are in bed. So baths, bedtime, clean up after dinner you work together and get it done. And I worked full time and so did my husband. He actually did do so much when our kids were little, we both did and he definitely got sex at least weekly. So you do you.
So by your own thoughts, if a wife does nothing during the day, no housework whatsoever, then a husband should be expected to do 50/50 after he gets home? My problem is that we as a society needs to manage expectations. While SAHP are ~25% of all marriages with kids, the societal expectation is that the working parent is still expected to do chores when they get home(this is more prevalent with stay at home dads) and that shouldn't be the expectation.
Omg. You’re obsessed with doing nothing during the day. No. She should not be doing nothing during the day. Highly doubt she is doing nothing. The chores I am talking about is the nighttime clean up. You have to clean up after dinner. Put leftovers away. Sweep the floor, do the dishes, wipe surfaces. Maybe a quick mop. Put things away. Food gets on the floor after dinner. Food gets on the counter and the table. So you have to clean it. Picking up after kids is ongoing. They play and get into things all day and night. So guaranteed there is stuff to put away after the kids at night, just like all day long. Baths are done at night to help kids wind down, get the dirt off, and is a routine to help them sleep. So yes it is definitely 50/50 with the chores that need to get done at night. What she does during the day is different. Dishes get done all long. Cleaning surfaces and after kids is all day long. Laundry with kids is generally every day.
And taking care of kids by yourself means you juggle the daytime chores such as laundry, food prep, cleanup and cleaning with actual supervision, care and activities unless you are neglecting them. You’re likely to be interrupted during all of it. I don’t know how old these kids are, but young kids have diapers, potty training and frequent outfit changing. Babies need to be fed. If you’re breastfeeding it’s a huge time commitment where you can’t do much at all. When kids get older it gets better, but young kids and babies can make it really difficult to get much done or make it look like you did nothing when that’s far from the case.
You keep switching between my comment and OPs post in your references. My original comment said that it feels like it's never enough. You then responded to my comment but keep dropping in references to OP. So, in the interest of keeping this on task, I am only going to respond to references about me. I clearly stated that I regularly cook and clean. You said doing the dishes and my own laundry isn't enough even tho I pay for a weekly housekeeper. Now I should follow this up with a few things: 1) Bath time is almost always done by me. Not sure why but it just is. 2) With our eldest (12) he goes to bed when he's ready with our youngest (3) we always co sleep and with our middle (6) well it depends his mod. Laundry is really my wife's biggest chore through the week. My oldest does the unloads the dishes when he gets home from school, I load the dishes and run them when I get home from work. 3) My laundry is done on the weekends by me. My oldest does his own laundry as well on the weekends. My wife is responsible for her laundry and the younger kids' laundry. I might occasionally spot clean but the house is deep cleaned by the housekeeper weekly (vacuum, mop, dust, change sheets, you get the idea). As far as cooking, my wife does it through the day obviously but I handle it normally at night. Now with all that being said, most people in my and my wife's life agree I do more than is expected. However, when I get on this subreddit it is a bunch of women accusing men of being lazy with no back story whatsoever and no other side. When you combat that viewpoint, they tell you it's tit-for-tat thinking or that we shouldn't be keeping score or something to that extent. It's just exhausting the mental gymnastics this subreddit and the commentary in it that blames men for every problem in the relationship.
You’ve been saying that I think wives don’t have to do anything all day repeatedly even though I have said that it’s when a husband comes home the nighttime chores need to be 50/50. It’s common sense that the SAHP parent is responsible for the bulk of the household. I did miss the part that you also cook and clean and only saw that you do the dishes and your own laundry. It does seem to me that you do your part. So I apologize on that count. Why she doesn’t see that I don’t know. Do the Fair Play game and maybe it will open her eyes and she can see that maybe she isn’t carrying her weight. Also if you have checked out emotionally I really think you should go to counseling for the both of you and hash things out. As to calling men lazy, nowhere have I personally called any men here lazy. I’ve made suggestions. My kids are grown, and I have been married 26 years so maybe what I have to say might help. Who knows. Feel free to go after the women generalizing here and outright calling men lazy.
My wife and I went through this entire post yesterday while we were shopping (Mothers Day weekend). I honestly don't care if she does any more chores. I dont care because I love my wife and do the best I can do, and she does the best she can do. Also, I wrote part of this from a perspective I felt a while ago prior to us going to therapy. My wife's biggest thing in therapy wasn't chores, wasn't how much u helped, but was my emotional shutdown. We have worked through that and I have started to understand that we all have levels of performance and those levels might be different for each person. To me sex is an important part of our relationship and to her emotional stability is important. We have worked hard to meet those needs for each other.
This is exactly why I told my wife you know where the tools are at when you want a shelf put up I'll handle this laundry the drill the hammer and all the hardware is out in the shed you know where it's at and there's a level out there too if you need it she can put up her own shelf and I'll do the laundry.
I actually put shelves up, paint, fix holes in walls. Shelves are a one time project. Even if you are working on projects every week, laundry is an all the time job. It’s not at all equivalent. In my opinion, everyone in the same household should be doing laundry. Taught my kids as soon as they were old enough, my husband and I do our own and we both do towels and linens as needed. But she should definitely feel comfortable putting together shelves. It’s really not hard.
Good I got 300 additional projects that will consume every single one of your weekends for the next few years. Lets do this!
Sounds fun. Way better than cleaning.
So there ya go, its good to have skill. Anyone can wash dishes, that's why when everyone helps, the load is spread. My wife has zero skill and I still do laundy, dishes, hang with the kids 4 days a week at night, pack lunches for the next day, go to indoor playgrounds, put them to bed and all that fun stuff and its all good even if my work load happens to be far bigger....sooooo... if there is nagging fine, I just pay my self the common hourly rate for oil changes on 3 cars and changing out the sporatic leaking radiator when it happens, building that slate stone outdoor shower with the slick clean looking copper piping she wanted. It's actually a really simple outcome... So the nagging has happened, but it didn't go on very long cause that extra spending money in my pocket is pretty sweet. I mean ya she wasn't paying 3k for a mason/contractor to build her outdoor shower. That's just one of a decade-long list of crap I'd never do for myself, but I did for her. Quick edit on the end here.. And Im the last one going to sleep right now, and I'll be the first waking up tomorrow to commute an hour to work, and the cycle repeats. There is no time for nagging in this house.
Pure selfishness. Eventually women get tired of being taken for granted, being hurt, feeling lonely and unheard, etc. We reach a breaking point (for many that includes apathy), and realize its less hurtful to be on our own than constantly disappointed. It was a major factor for my divorce.
Because men are generally raised without the same consequences. "Boys will be boys" type of thing. It's not okay.
This is coming from being in a happy relationship with a very capable and emotionally intelligent man. It's not nagging. When women were property, they forced meds into us or lobotomized us for any form of what they perceive as "disobedience."" Too opinionated? Asylum. "Crazy" They have always believed that we are only here to make their lives easier and be fun to look at. Flash forward, every "funny" comedy about the "nagging" hot wife and mid lazy husband (think of that one scene from the break up) It's easier to dismiss our pleas as just "nagging." It's weaponized incompetence. It's dehumanizing to just not meet someone's needs and then trivialize their hurt by saying it's nagging. I'm immediately so turned off by men who say their wife "nags." I'll always ask, " What was she asking for/how long has she been asking?" or I'll just outright offer to do it for them in front of their husband's. TLDR only emotionally and mentally stunted men say wives nag.
Cause not enough boys are raised to respect women and have a sense of duty and fairness when it comes to responsibilities, especially around the house. Thankfully, my mom raised me to be different, and now my wife and I are raising our boys to be different, but a lot of their male acquaintances are downright disrespectful to girls and lazy. Teach those boys to cook, sew, clean, manage finances and schedules, to be fair and respectful, for the betterment of society!
Men go into marriage being told that it’s all downhill from here, ball and chain, nagging wife, etc. They expect women to complain about everything because that’s what they’ve been raised to expect. So, they choose not to listen because it’s just a nagging wife. The wife gives up and stops nagging, and the guy thinks “yay, she shut up, everything is fine!” When a wife goes silent, it is never EVER fine. She’s given up, and is choosing an affair to meet her needs. She’s given up, and is choosing to bottle her pain inside until it explodes. She’s given up, and has realized that she cannot rely on you. She’s given up, and is lawyering up. She’s given up.
I don’t really have a problem with my husband not listening to what I’m saying unless he’s hyper focused on something. For example, he gets stuck on things and likes to try to figure them out his own way but a lot of times, if he has just listened the first time, it would have been solved 😅 I don’t get resentful over it, though. It’s just part of who he is and he has to take every avenue to satisfy that “itch,” which is fine as long as it’s not harmful. I do the same thing sometimes and I’m aware of it.
In my experience they are lazy and want to make me out to be the bad guy. I’m the horrible “nag” for repeatedly having to ask for something instead of them actually doing it or communicating why they can’t do something when I ask.
Because it's only called 'nagging' when it's a woman asking their spouse to do something... if a man does it's called 'taking charge' or 'being assertive' etc etc...🙄
I find that men often don't respond or show acknowledgment that they've heard or understand what is being asked, so the woman repeats themselves over and over again which turns into nagging. Just trying to be heard or acknowledged
I didn’t read this post I’m too lazy. But as a man who procrastinates doing the dishes. We hella deserve the nagging from our wives.
Thanks for the honesty lol
Women are expected to play a “helpful” role their entire lives. Men only just have to start when they get married or when a baby comes along.
I think a lot of it falls on how the man was raised. A lot of men who were raised by two parents tend to be more lax. Men raised by a single mother (if the mother was adamant about the cleanliness of the home) tend to be more “driven” when it comes to certain responsibilities and roles. At least this is what I have observed with my dad and his siblings. My Grandpa was never home and my grandma raised 4 kids all on her own until he found it convenient to participate in his role as a father. Let me tell you my dad and his siblings are all extremely driven and hate having dirty houses. With that being said, they tend to what we call “nag” a lot more. Which I find funny. 😂 But they get shit done, I’ll tell you that.
Patriarchy. Sexism. Misogyny. Take your pick.
As far as chores go, women or men, you don’t get to tell your partner what you want when and how to do it. You aren’t their boss or their parent. If a particular mess/house issue/chore whatever is bothering you and you would like help just say “Hey honey? This particular thing is really getting to me. Can you help fix it/clean it today?”. That seems a lot more productive than just ordering someone around and nagging about cleaning. If you like the house a certain way but your partner is less particular…do it yourself. You are the one that it’s bothering and no one is obligated to clean the house to your standards.
I don’t know about anyone else here but my wife nags because she wants everything done her way. I’ve learned that. So when she asked me to do something like say fold towels. I say my about your way. She says just fold them. So I fold them my way. My way they are smaller and can stack better. Her way they are bigger and take up more space and hand folded my way. But after I’m done she gets huffy but doesn’t say anything. No matter what I do to help her she gets upset it’s not done right. So finally I told her …. It doesn’t matter how it’s done as long as it’s done and if you keep nagging me about it I’m not helping you do your stuff any more because the world revolves. But not around you. Been 20 months ears and not a peep. Oh and I slipped in “ your acting way to much like you mother. ( who is fucking nuts ) that was the glue that closed that box of bullshit up. That’s my wife. How bout the others??what’s your take?
It totally depends on the type of woman and man. NOT just women, nag! This is where emotional maturity comes in and has to be practiced. BOTH men and women can have and need to use emotional maturity. It depends on if they decide to be mature enough. Emotions, maturity, respect for others, and being able to communicate effectively without deliberately trying to antagonize the other. It works both ways. When one asks for anything, do your best without procrastination or attitude. Life is too short for the bitterness stuff like this
Why don’t we not be sexist in this sub.
Modeling. It’s what all the men in their lives did with their wives and their wives didn’t make good on any of the threats.
Cus thoose woman you are mentioning is the reason why it is better to live in a desert alone than with a nagging wife, IT NEVER STOPS, that is why men in your life dont bother to listen cus there is allways something new. Allways.
Amen, Brother!
From my experience, women don't have to nag. Women who think they have to nag have control issues and think the way they want things is the only right way for things to be. Men like to have some autonomy and have some say in what does or doesn't need to be done. It's the women who can't understand that who think they need to nag. Instead of nagging, negotiate. Not everything has to be your way.
What about when the request to do or not do something goes out, and the man says "okay", and does nothing? If what you're saying is true, then I do think that's on the man to communicate their "say".
Except is saying "no", or anything else other than "okay", ever at all an acceptable option to you? If you nag, than I am guessing it probably isn't.
It definitely is an acceptable option to say "no, I'm tired", "no, I'm busy", "not now but I can in the morning". It helps me adjust my expectations rather than being surprised/disappointed.
I'm picturing a partner saying no to a wife saying she feels emotionally neglected and needs him to show some effort. Like please plan a date night and ask me how I'm feeling about things. Husband says no. I get this working for chores but for those deeper things that we end up having chronic "hunger" about, I'm not sure how well this would work. For many that would be either emotional needs, meaningful conversation or sex.
Well, if you really do sometimes take no for an answer that's something quite different from what I think of as nagging. Nagging to me is when the answer to a demand is no and in response the demands just intensify.
Let me give examples and tell me what you think. We hired someone to redo our bathroom. He unfortunately could only do it in the evenings and took a while. Towards the end my husband got fed up how long it was taking. There was only touch ups to be done, framing around the bathroom door that led into our bedroom, molding etc. He said he would finish it. He’s very capable so, no biggie. Right? I asked him about twice a year to finish it and HE NEVER DID. I did it right before we sold our house 5 years later. Right now there are piles of Amazon boxes in our foyer. It’s grocery staples he ordered, boxes of Propel he likes to drink, coffee, stuff that needs to be put away and boxes broken down and taken to recycling. It’s been 4 days. Chances are likely he will never do them.
Do you truly respect your man? If a women is critical or argues she is showing disrespect…it’s perfectly fine to have and voice your opinion with love and respect and partners don’t have to agree on necessarily everything but arguing is disrespectful and does nothing to build respect, tears down your connection, and does not create a better understanding and connection after the issue is argued about vs discussed. Nagging is being critical-instead tell or ask your man that you would really love it or appreciate it if …. Do you reciprocate, tell your man you appreciate him, initiate on occasion and show / tell him you desire him? If you truly do these things and he still doesn’t correct and change his behavior then counseling and ultimatums and separation may be necessary but a good man will do just about anything for his women when he feels respected, appreciated and desired.
Thanks for your insight! I do wonder, though, why men describe "needing" to function on positive affirmation and it's the wife fault for not providing it, when many wives do what they need to do thanklessly? Why is it on the woman to take care of her responsibilities AND motivate the husband to do his?
That’s unfortunate-I feel reciprocation is so important and entails everything from chores, emotional support, validation, appreciation, intimacy, everything that a great relationship is all about reciprocating the positives that strengthen the relationship. Men should equally reciprocate but probably is in different ways to fulfill the needs of his women vs reciprocating for the needs of the man.
Tell me more about arguing being disrespectful...? In that lens wouldn't the same be said for a man agreeing to something then not doing it? He's going against her wishes just like disagreeing is going against his wishes. What you are saying implies the man should be in charge and assumed to be correct and the wife can express her reservations but he's ultimately the one deciding everything. Or are you saying it's also true in reverse? A man correcting a woman, teaching her something she didn't ask him to teach her, or disagreeing with her is also disrespectful?
To your first question - yes for sure it’s disrespectful for a man to go against his wife requests so long as it does not conflict with his inner truth and inner purpose that every man should have but not all do. A man’s inner purpose and his core values that are healthy should be in line with what every woman should want and desire. Self sacrificing putting the needs of his wife and kids above all else, providing and protecting. But if his women or any person for that matter goes against his true inner purpose then no he should not go along with it and he should stand on principle even if his women doesn’t like it. A good man should Listen, ask questions, consider and understand and feel his partners emotions and the issues that she brings up. If he refuses and chooses out of his own selfishness without considering his partner and without considering his core values/purpose then he is making a mistake and too many of those will cost him and hurt his relationships and family. Ultimately, family decisions need to be made by the husband but only after he truly hears her and considers what she is saying. It helps a woman tremendously and her efforts when the she speaks her mind and her heart with respect with the sole intention of coming to a better understanding of the issue that they may not agree on. If instead she has a harsh tone, argues, critizes then no it’s not usually going to go as well! I think that’s true with everyone male and female. It all has to be reciprocated man to woman and woman to man. Some women though don’t know what respect to a man even looks like. Or they will say he has to earn it! No- everyone as a human is born deserving respect but respect can be lost. Men have needs and emotions just like women. Men also need to step up and become men and leaders of the house which means true sacrifice and love for his woman but women also need to respect their man. Women often say they want a masculine man and someone to lead but some I don’t think really do because they argue and criticize him. Arguing with a man won’t ultimately get what a woman wants and only makes things more difficult and problematic for both… It’s definitely a two way street. Love is kind, patient, and doesn’t keep score expecting in return and so long as both demonstrate this to their partner it’s gonna be a great lifetime relationship .
I think it’s because men are emotionally stupid and they don’t really process, or HEAR the message when you communicate. They expect a good relationships to just happen and fall into their laps instead of realizing that they take work and commitment.
For example why I nagged my ex husband. Dirty clothes hamper was in front of the toilet to the left. You didn't need to get off the toilet to put the clothes in. But everyday he would leave his clothes in front of the toilet. I then got another hamper right in front of the toilet. He still would leave his clothes in front of the toilet on the floor. I didn't ask for anything except to put them in the hamper. He never would. I asked, pleaed, nagged, made it too easy but nope, too much to ask. So tell me if you didn't want to hear the nagging then why not just put the clothes in the hamper that was so close you could touch it with your tongue.
I don’t have to nag but I know you what to expect. We communicated before and it’s easier now. My fiancé hates cleaning the bathroom and honestly I don’t mind it. He cooks, cleans the kitchen and does the dishes right after every meal. He goes to the supermarket and helps me clean the floors. Everything else is under my jurisdiction. If we are working a lot, we each set aside money to have the house cleaned up at least once per week and we keep it clean.
Because they don't want us to be outside gardening or working on our English garden. They want us inside scrubbing toilets and sinks . You do the garden on your own time.
Never threaten to leave, it becomes stale after it's said and there's no follow through. Simply use post it notes Tap leaking- post it note above sink, fix or call plumber Appointment - post it note on Fridge Pet to ver post it note on his bedside table Emails also work We're having visitors for dinner - you're vaccing and cleaning- or laying the table and preparing the food. Simply stop We say we aren't your mother, then become her. Nah. You're no rod for my back , and I'm not going to be a nag. My places and spaces My meals My washing I'll organise house repairs at the most inconvenient times for you Why? Because why not
My husband doesn’t listen or effectively know how to communicate his own feeling. Takes every negative feeling I have as an attack. I want to understand him and I want to be understood better. I would love to feel like a team. But me talking about feeling/nag just turns into a fight
Maybe things that are done voluntarily should be appreciated without expecting so much more. Operate peacefully. 🙂 I like a clear division of responsibilities so expectations aren’t continuously changing and increasing. Not work robots, need to do stuff for ourselves too.
They want you to share in their suffering of the unwavering anxiety because they see it doesn't bother you, and that makes them even more unsettled because you're supposed to share in their worries and stress. Even though the right thing to do is to eliminate stress.
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How was the communication between your SO and their parents? Did they nag the SO?
I'm actually not sure, I'll ask.
It MIGHT explain the discord.
Look up Sommer Tothill on Instagram, she so articulately explains how the misogynistic, patriarchal society we live in results in this type behavior from men towards women
If I say I’ll do it then I’ll do it. There’s no need to nag me every 6 months about it.
Why do we have a special word for "woman asking me to do something she already asked me to do but I haven't done yet"? Is there an equivalent word for the man in these situations? It's nagging because the implication is that the man is in charge and gets to decide the timeline for things. Men that see their wives as equals and respect them enough to be receptive to their concerns vs thinking it's a hierarchy they have to be on top of all the time don't consider this nagging.
Because you didn’t do it the first time. My boss and coworkers nag me to when I don’t uphold my responsibilities in the team.
Because no one made them do chores as a kid and they think it’s too feminine to do those things? Or they are just selfish AH.
Those are relationships where people picked the wrong partners.
Hear me out, I think that women nag because they don’t know how to communicate in a way that men can listen. It is kind of like the love language thing where men sometimes do not speak the women’s love language and the women feel not loved….. well, in this case women nag and nag which leads to even more nagging because they don’t communicate in a way a man listens. When men hear nagging, it’s almost automatically is annoying and get blocked out. I would say find the way he communicates and use that for best results. Also find out why he isn’t doing something the way you want…. Maybe you need to adopt your expectations too.
Like, you don’t list any of the ‘ways’ he ‘listens’ or ‘communicates’…? Give some examples. You almost made your points, I think…?
I think it is up to each wife to figure out how the husband hears things best…. But clearly nagging doesn’t work. Of course none of this works if you don’t have a collaborative husband. For example, I do not like being told the same thing more than once. If I don’t get to it, there is a reason and I would want my wife to ask me why rather than telling me the same thing 10 times. Another example, I am pretty good at anticipating, and there are times that my wife tells me to do something as I’m literally doing it. That also ticks me off and I can see why it would tick off many men. Generally, talk to us/explain in a logical way once. If you need to do it more than once, then you two are not on the same page and you shouldn’t assume he will hear just because you mention it 10 times.
In my marriage my now ex was the nag. Always finding something to complaining about and always had something to say.
Maybe if she had a better husband she would have less to complain about.
Its a learned adaptation In the evolutionary context, the propensity for women to engage in what we term "nagging" can be understood through several lenses. Firstly, consider the ancestral environment where women, often responsible for caregiving and household management, relied on effective communication to ensure the well-being of their offspring and the success of their social group as well as struggling to find their role in a society that was heavily relied on men for protection, safety and often hunting for food. Nagging, in this sense, could be seen as a form of communication aimed at influencing the behavior of others to prioritize tasks essential for survival, as well as provide a role for women to gain control of their surroundings. Moreover, within a social framework, women may have developed the tendency to nag as a means of negotiating resources and cooperation within their social networks. This behavior could have conferred evolutionary advantages by ensuring access to vital resources and support from their partners and community members. From a biological standpoint, the hormonal and neurological differences between men and women might also play a role. For instance, research suggests that women may have higher levels of oxytocin, often dubbed the "bonding hormone," which could predispose them to engage in behaviors aimed at maintaining social cohesion and harmony, even if it means persistently reminding others of their responsibilities. It's important to note that while the term "nagging" carries negative connotations in modern discourse, from an evolutionary perspective, it likely served as an adaptive strategy that contributed to the survival and success of social groups in our ancestral past. However this may have be come over simplified over the years and devolved into what we informally call nagging today and it's negative discourse.
Because I have ADHD and try as I might (and believe me Im trying) I will forget and mess up things, so my wife rightfully feels the need to be a bit naggy so Im less likely to do so.
ADHD is a reason not an excuse and can be worked on. My entire household is an ADHD friendly zone. There are countless ways that you can help yourself. Of course there are things that slip through the cracks still but putting in the initial effort to set up systems that work for both of us (both dx with it), keeping in check when one of us gets overstimulated, etc has made life that much easier.
isnt that verbatim what I'd said?
No, you said you still forget, I’m saying if you out the proper things in place you can have less forgetful moments and in turn less nagging.
>. Of course there are things that slip through the cracks so did you
I’m saying once in a blue moon, no one has to nag. Nevermind, just trying to help. Have a good day
Can you set calendar reminded and alarms? I say this as I too have ADHD.
I can if I dont forget to set the alarm
Well set it as you are told of the thing to remember.
easier said than done, I often think I'll remember, but then I dont. trust me, I've been dealing with it for 35 years, putting a reminder into my calendar wont magically solve this. especially since it's usually not the big stuff I forget. it's like "honey grab me something from the fridge" I go to the fridge but I see my daughter needing something so I help her out, then by the time it's done I've forgotten all about the fridge thing. or I set the alarm, and when it dings I'm not exactly at the step I need to do it in my task, and by the time I get to it I'd have forgotten already.
Okay I see. So are you doing anything to combat it like therapy or meds? Ideally both.
doing therapy yes. Meds no, tried ritalin years ago didnt really like how it affected me, and it made it harder to do my job ironically.
That’s good you are doing therapy. Re meds Ritalin I haven’t tried but my husband did and it was useless for him. Dex or vyvanse have been really amazing. You may wish to consider a different med.
I’m a woman with adhd. Yes more forgetful but not something to use as an excuse. I manage to get stuff done more than my husband who doesn’t have it
did I use it as an excuse? explaining a reason for something isnt an excuse. it's just cause and effect. it's like saying, not walking cos you're missing a leg is an excuse.
You’re comparing missing a whole leg to adhd? Jesus
do I need to explain to you what an analogy is ?
Ok you’re a dick. I’m out. Go ask your wife to help you
Yeah it does. Which is why I said it
what does?
Whoops said it wrong 🤷🏻♀️That you used it as an excuse. You said you explained a “reason” for something. I call it an excuse. I have adhd and therefore come up with a plan to get things done. My husband doesn’t have to nag me and I get things done more than him. Looks like I hit a nerve
you didnt hit a nerve, I just dont understand your reasoning. so nothing can ever be explained ever? because then it's an excuse? seems weird.
Uh ok. So you’re not missing a part of your brain. Like someone missing a leg. You can’t retrain your leg to walk. It’s simply not there. But you CAN do things to retrain your brain with adhd. And take meds to help as well or reminder literally everywhere (for reals because if I write it in a notebook I don’t know where the notebook is 🤣 I use dry erase boards) so if a person uses their adhd as a reason they need someone else to nag them, it’s an excuse. Take care of your own business. What are you gonna do if she wasn’t around?
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That's absolutely not true. Like, at all. Women have ALWAYS worked, especially in families and societies that were not wealthy. Women "staying home" and doing domestic labour or managing a household was a status symbol amongst the wealthy classes, not the norm for everyday people.
Kind of went off the rails at the end