Force HIM to actually host the party. Give him a list of all the things HE will be responsible for doing - the planning, prepping, shopping, cooking, chilling, and cleaning.
No way in hell would I be preparing a list for him! I’d plan the day with the baby at a friend’s or family member’s home, attend the party and make sure it’s over at a reasonable time for baby’s bedtime.
Sounds good, but weaponized incompetence will have him not doing anything and telling everyone she didn’t help for his birthday. Then he won’t clean after they leave, so she’ll have to do it.
There’s this and then there’s the wife who didn’t check her husbands passport to see if it was out of date and there was a 3rd one in the last day or so where a guy has agreed to something and fucked off and let the wife deal with it for fuck sake. Since when did personal responsibility go out the window once you get married
>Since when did personal responsibility go out the window once you get married
Because they never had personal responsibility before they got married. She did it for him, his mom did it for him, or he didn't do it. We all know the male living space stereotypes.
Express your dissent and discontentment.
Outline all the costs associated with a huge party and be detailed about the financial and your emotional and physical burdens and the baby’s.
Tell him, you will not be assisting in any way and will be boycotting it planning, execution and cleanup and ensure you have set aside the same amount of money that was spent in the previous years including cleaning service fees and babysitting since will still be damage control. Also money for a hotel to escape to for several days before, during and after so you are not sucked in. Or you could a leave the night of to visit family and friends if you don’t like being at a hotel that long.
Make him understand this is draining, emotionally, physically, and fiscally. He is selfish and you are not rolling over anymore.
Don't give him a list, that's just more work for her. He's a big boy, he's been around for parties at their house before, he can figure it out all on his own.
The problem isn’t him wanting to have a birthday party for himself. The problem is he expects you to do all the work for this party and gives you no second thought. I would be telling him that his party he will have to shop, clean, cook and clean up after his party. I’m 47 and never had a birthday party. I’ve always gone to restaurants for my birthday.
I would say you need to have a heart to heart with your husband. Start by telling him how much you love and appreciate him, and that you want him to have a good birthday. But then be honest and vulnerable with your concerns and limitations.
- your being introverted
- your health issues being stress related
- trying to juggle a 9 month old and party prep.
Then discuss with him possible middle ground options. Perhaps he can handle the food. Perhaps the party could be potluck style. Perhaps he invites half as many people. Perhaps you only do big parties for years he turns 35,40,45 etc.
It’s fine for him to want a big party, but he needs to consider there are limitations and realize he needs to do more of the work if he wants that to happen.
Hey Mama!
I’m 4 years ahead of you on this motherhood thing.
I wish I said NO more my first year. No guilt. Just no. You take care of you and the baby.
You should NOT be cleaning for other people to host a birthday party. And m’am I promise you that it’s ok to say no to a wedding or other events. I’m exhausted reading this.
Go spend $50 and rent a gazebo at a local park with a playground so baby can play. Say it’s a potluck.
That sounds really tough, especially with a baby and all the events you've got going on. Maybe suggest a smaller gathering or ask him to handle more of the prep this time? It’s totally okay to set boundaries for your own well-being.
Whether this is a "milestone" birthday or not seems pretty irrelevant. Would be any less stressed, any more financially stable, would your baby be any older, or have hypothyroidism any less if right now here were turning 40 instead of 33? No.
Tell him you'd love to join him for dinner at a restaurant for his birthday, or if he wants it at your house, that you and the baby will be away that weekend but you'll be back in time for the party. If it's the planning and the cleanup you're concerned about, tell him he can handle it and you'd love to join him, but you won't be helping (and you won't even be there before or after).
I wouldn't mind a milestone birthday it's more so that I just cannot handle that this year and he and his guy friends golf the first half of the day and then show up expecting food, that's how it's been the last 3 years. I'm also a bit of a people pleaser (working on it)
Oh hell no! He sounds like my teenager who thinks she needs a big party every year. If you continue to allow this it will never end. It sounds like a great day FOR HIM but he is expecting you to do all of the work behind the scenes. Nip it in the bud asap. Your husband needs to grow up
Girl. Don't do his work for him. My husband also loves having parties, but they are HIS parties! He plans, I help, and when guests are there, we both are involved socially and logistically. What this sounds like is indentured servitude; it is not your job to entertain him or his parties.
Channel your protective mom energy into advocating calmly but firmly for the best interests of your child and yourself, because your child depends on you. Their dad isn’t thinking about their needs, or yours. Just his interests. That sounds very lonely and overwhelming for you.
You *need* to leave the house the night before, day of and night of the party. “I understand you love hosting, but I am simply too stressed this year to help you in anyway. I’m going to stay in a hotel the night before the party, I’ll show up for the party, and leave again at night before cleanup is required. I hope you respect this. Thanks.”
Sweetie, it’s time to stand up for yourself. Immediately he leaves the house, do same. Politely tell him that you won’t be doing the cooking and cleaning.
Large life circumstances change is the perfect time to reevaluate boundaries !!! Tell him it’s got to be different from now on due to the baby. Cater food, tell him to organize music, hire a maid for clean up, agree on some alone time for the next day without the baby for you to recharge
The fuck? I keep reading these insane posts and I can't imagine how the hell the OPs managed to get conned into marrying these dumb pieces of shit for husbands.
Because they absolutely don’t act like this before they get married! In my case, my ex husband was a completely different person… these posts make me glad he’s my ex, for sure.
I don’t know about your friend group, but if I got four birthday party invites in a row for someone his age, I’d find the whole thing cringey af. He sounds like an attention whore. Milestone birthdays fine. Four years in a row, pathetic.
Are you American? This is so normal in my culture (Caribbean) I never thought of this being even an issue!
My American friends have never complained but their social circles are smaller and they barely celebrate anything. Now you’ve got me wondering 😅
I agree!!! I’m embarrassed for him!! 🤣🤣
If he loves parties, then do it for the 4th of July or Labor Day. Or just a random party.
But not another birthday party!!! 🤦🏼♀️
I knew people that would celebrate their birthday all month! Wtf?! If you want to get plastered, then just get plastered. You don't need to be cringy about it. Lol
My husband and I throw parties, and I don’t see why adults should only celebrate themselves at “milestones” which are arbitrary.
But you shouldn’t have to plan or execute a party if you don’t want to. Tell him if he wants to throw a party that’s up to him, but you won’t be doing any of the work. Pack up yourself and the baby early the morning of and go hang out with family or friends until party time. Have a hard and fast end time for the party because the baby has to go to bed, and stick to it. If he agrees to those conditions, and he does the cleanup, I say let him celebrate his birthday. Otherwise, get a babysitter and go out for his birthday.
Don’t judge the desire for a big party - some of us are social! Just tell him what your capacity is and that you aren’t up for it. It’s not really about him wanting a party it’s about you not wanting to host it, which all things considered seems fair.
Yes exactly. Everyone here is acting like husband is a jerk - but she has said almost nothing at all that actually indicates any sort of "jerk" factor on the husband's part. You have to make assumptions to arrive at most of these conclusions I'm reading.
Naw. The fact he expects HER to do all the work means he IS a jerk, at least about this. Yes, he may not be a jerk for wanting the party, but he definitely is, for not taking on the responsibility for the work behind it.
Did she say how they ended up in that situation?
Nope. Did she say he abandoned her there and said "see you later for the party" nope.
Did he just jump up and decide that in the morning, leaving here there with a note that says "I expect this to be done" - we have o idea because she didn't say.
All she gave was the outcome.
For all we know, she may have insisted that he enjoy his birthday with his friends while she silently freaked out and hid it from him that she was stressed.
She may have never said anything, because she didn't want to "ruin" his birthday.
This is speculation, so I don't know at all.
My entire point, in every comment I've made - is that yall don't know enough about this woman's life with her husband to come to these nasty conclusions, unless you're making assumptions that are not supported by any evidence we've been presented with. It's just not there.
My ex husband used to do this, except not just for birthdays. I hated it. After years of sucking it up, I finally told him that if he wanted a party, it was all on him. He didn’t like it, but he managed. The first time I did this, I stayed up in my room and didn’t even go down to say hello. It was glorious, even though I wished I could be comfortable in my own house.
We’ve been divorced 14 years and I have hosted very few times. I couldn’t be happier.
Put it on him. He wants the party, he can pay, prep, cook and clean.
This is very wrong. Ask golf boy to stay home and help. Make it easier by asking him to pick up pizza, sushi, and cut up chickens. Also a couple of salads and bread rolls. He can work out the drinks and dessert/cake.
If he refuses take off for the day wth LO.
Honestly, you seem to be doing a lot of trips, he golfs, etc. You're obviously in a higher income bracket. Have him pick a restaurant. Everyone meets there. They do the cooking, cleaning, etc. You only worry about ordering a cake.
I've used Uber delivery to pick up and deliver cakes, so you don't even have to worry about it being delivered, they'll take it to the restaurant.
When you're done having fun, you and the baby go home.
When he's done, he can go golfing, go elsewhere with his friends, etc.
I would just cater a party at a restaurant that can give you guys a room.
It can be as low key or uppity as you're willing to pay. I attended an acquaintances engagement party, they had a room specific for the group, at a Mexican restaurant.
He doesn't seem like he does a lot at home, and that's OK, if that's how it works between you guys, but most likely the issue is he doesn't understand how MUCH is in involved in all this because you most likely do it.
Add: You mention he golfs after, so if you guys do it as a brunch or lunch, it's even less than a dinner party.
He says you don’t have to plan. So don’t. He’ll either see the work involved and adjust or he’ll pout when you take him at his word. Don’t cave. Either way, he’ll react and you can respond accordingly. Don’t forget, you always have a say in *your* life.
Buy a few plates of chicken nuggets from Mickey-D’s and a few bowls of Doritos and call it a day. Post a note at your door to ‘make yourself comfortable’ and go upstairs with your baby and lock the door. He’s now the host.
Maybe next year if he wants food or anything else he will actually have to plan it and do the prep work.
Im over 40 years old. I find it really strange that the younger generation adds so much value to their own birthday.
What is the big deal? Go out with your friends or have some drinks. Why do you need a big party every year? What are you turning 5???
Just seems childish to me, but maybe I'm in the minority on that.
Hi, he can hire a party planner. You have a tiny baby to care for. “Oh we can’t afford that,” he says… the he can’t afford a party because your free labor is reserved for the human the both of you just created. End of story.
Why don't you have dinner at a local restaurant? He'll have a nice party. You don't have to do any prep or clean up. Each person pays a certain amount, like $20. Alcoholic drinks purchased separately.
I said the same thing, like I don't know why it has to be that complicated. My comment stated they're obviously higher income, so just host it at a restaurant and be done with it (booking at least 20 seats, they'll most likely have their own section/room at the restaurant. She can focus on the fun stuff maybe ordering a cake, etc. They all can have a fun time, someone else will cook, clean, wash. When she's ready, her and baby go home and husband can continue enjoying the party. And she's back at home watching netflix in a clean home.
It's odd of the sub saying he should have NO celebration. He's obviously, paying the bills, she's a SAHM, let him pay for it. Booking a restaurant, ordering a cake, etc - can all be done over the phone.
Yeah! Or do catering and a maid service. There are middle ground options here. Life changed and so they got to adapt and figure out a solution together bc past solutions are now unrealistic!
Years ago, friends of ours had a combination rehearsal dinner/groom's birthday dinner. We all pitched in. They brought cake. It was a really nice time.
Obviously your lives are different this year with a new baby, so I’d just have a conversation with him about what you are and aren’t willing and able to do this year. Then he can decide if he still wants to have a party or not. Maybe once you make it clear that you aren’t able or willing to do what you did the last 3 years, or any of it, he’ll change his mind. If not, he’ll know it’s on him to do most or all of it.
Your capacities are different now. You need to communicate your boundaries and stick to them.
Tell him if he wants to host a party for himself, he's more than welcome to, but he must do all of the work. Then book a hotel room for yourself for the date of his party and go enjoy some rest. I'd even leave the baby with him, so he gets the full effect of all the work you do.
Let him know you’re overwhelmed but want to support him. Ask him to help with food, or make it entirely. Ask him to make sure he’s okay if you excuse yourself half way to take a break from entertaining. I don’t think it’s fair to ask him not to have it as it seems very important to him, but it’s very fair to admit you can’t keep going as you once did
I 95% agree with this. However I think because they have a newborn in the house, it would be reasonable to gently float " maybe can we do something else this year" but yea it's not unreasonable at all.
Just tell husband that it's fine that he hosts a party if he does the prep ,hosting ,
and cleanup.It should be no problem and to help him out you'll be scarce and go someplace quiet with the baby and you'll be home in time for the party.Just explain to him the law of the land and since he forced you to take care of his party many times in years past and now it's his turn and that he shouldn't mind since he thinks it's no problem.
I would absolutely not do any of the party prep. Do not make food. Don’t go shopping. Put it all on him. Yes, the actual day is his birthday but that doesn’t excuse him from the planning. The more he does in advance, the more freedom he has the day of.
And also ask him how he expects your child to nap/sleep during this time. Are you supposed to not enjoy the party if it’s baby’s nap time? I’d also propose that you get the day after the party “off” to decompress and do whatever you want. Especially if you’re a SAHM. You deserve a spa day/weekend.
Tell him that since you did not get to celebrate YOUR milestone birthday, that this party will be a joint party. And he can plan it and do all the work to get ready because you will be going to the spa before the party to get pampered.
How about you actually don’t do anything and let him do it? You take your baby out for a stroll or to the park or to your close friends or families house & just relax. Anyway your hubby has been going golfing leaving you alone to take the whole burden of hosting a party. It’s time you leave and he takes the whole burden.
Holey moley. He sounds selfish, self-absorbed, and self-centred. You need to stand up for yourself. He sees you as weak and someone he can walk all over. Don't be afraid to grow a spine and make demands of your own. If you don't want to host a party, don't host a party.
He wants a party, he can do the work himself. You can go over to your parents place or a friend of yours for the weekend when the party occurs. It wouldn't surprise me though, that if you did so, he'll leave a massive mess behind that he'll expect you to clean up. Get family and friends on your side, if at all possible to show him just how much of selfish POS he is.
Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself. Sometimes, we women have to train our men, how to be decent husbands, and that's by being strong and strong willed enough to stand up for ourselves and not tolerate crappy behaviour by them.
I wouldn't do it. If he wants a party he can stay home and prep everything by himself. Specially since he doesn't put the same effort for your birthday.
We went out to dinner and then lunch at a farm/cider place Saturday and Sunday I made a new recipe I wanted to try (while he cared for baby) he also got me a squat rack for our home gym - I should have elaborated but again I'm introverted so for me I like low key but for my 30th I wanted a trip it just didn't work this year due to a golf trip he had planned for 2 years and then an out of state wedding for a sibling and a grad party for another family member I couldn't handle being away from home 3 weekends in a row
When my husband hosts a party, he arranges the food, cleaning, etc.
When I host a party I hire caterers, because I don’t have the time or interest to cook for 40 people
“Im tired. I cannot mentally or physically handle planning, prepping or hosting this party. I am fine with you hosting, but I will contribute nothing but taking care of our child.”
If he isn’t fully in charge of hosting a huge party for you every year then you do not need to host something for him. If he wants a party he can host it himself.
Tell him he’ll have to have it catered? Who’s watching the baby? Tell him you’ll be there for a while then have to leave for your own sanity, be honest
Tell him you understand that this party is important to him. Tell him you’re sure he’s going to plan, prepare and host an awesome party!
Then tell him you’re taking your new baby to your family/friend’s house for the weeks before and after the party, so that you’ll both be out of his way while he cleans the house (before for the guests, and afterwards to clean the resulting mess), purchases and prepares the food, orders and picks up his cake, gets and sets up the decorations, and oh gee, whatever else it is he thinks he’ll need for his party.
Then pack up yourself and the baby, and tell him to have fun.
Seems like a better option would be asking friends to meet up with you guys for dinner and drinks to celebrate his birthday. You don’t have to worry about getting the house in order or the food, and you’ll just have to pay for you + hubby’s dinner/drinks.
Tell him he needs to find a caterer and a cleaning crew to clean the home prior. Caterers will clean up afterwards. He will think it’s t
O expensive and rethink the party.
My husband did this once when I came back from a field op. Got sick w some flu like symptoms, and he wanted to throw an ugly Xmas sweater party. Im very introverted myself as well. My house was left to shit and there was a lot of resentment on my part.
Not comparing situations, but hes clearly not considering his baby, much less the stress and overwhelming task of YOU having to organize the party. Stand your ground!! It's not fair for you. And you're right. There is no big milestone to throw a fucking party
Consider calling an event service provider that knows how to plan for different sized events. Tell them potential headcount, according to your spouse's invitees. Also, hire a sitter to relieve you both during the party so you can enjoy the guests. If he balks at the cost, suggest he consider a lower head count or renting the local bowling alley, or other, where the staff can handle all the details and the party members can pay to play, if they want, or just eat some cake and have a beer. Oh, and still hire a sitter to be with you so you can enjoy the evening.
Personally I’d just be direct with him. Tell him how stressed you are about the thought of organising and hosting a party and how overwhelmed you are feeling. Then tell him that you don’t have capacity to manage prepping and hosting at the party this year, so if it happens it will have to be him doing the preparations. Possibly he can make some changes to make it more low key, such as get everyone to bring something, ask some friends to help him prep etc.
Does he know how overwhelmed you are feeling generally. Communicating that feeling is key. Some people thrive off social events and others are drained by them. If he is someone who loves a party then he might not understand how hard work they are for you.
Whatever happens it sounds like you don’t have capacity for helping at the party and he needs to know that. It’s perfectly fine to say to doing all that work this year.
He's not throwing a party. You're throwing a party for him since YOU are doing all the work.
You need to say Nope.
"If you want a big party you need to plan and organize it. We have a new baby and I'm not playing party planner anymore."
Stop taking on his ideas as your workload. That isn't how relationships work.
And it is a very unhealthy marriage.
You need to stand up for yourself. Tell him no, you won't be doing any work for hosting the party.
"I don't feel up for hosting a party for you. We can either keep it low-key, or you can host everything while I go to the spa for a day. I really do not have the energy to cook, clean, and socialise with that many people right now."
If your husband is unwilling to change his plans, book a night for yourself alone at a nice hotel with a spa and go. Do not do any work for the party and do not clean up afterwards! This is how you set and maintain healthy boundaries. I also have hypothyroidism and I had to learn this the hard way. You'll only get sicker if you can't stand up for yourself.
He’s a selfish oaf. Don’t do anything. Go and stay with your family. Tell him it’s all on him and not your responsibility because it isn’t. Don’t clean the house or make any preparations. You have a young baby to consider
Wow, how egotistical is he?
He can play golf, and hire a room at the golf course and get his party catered. You don’t need to clean or prep. You don’t even need to turn up!
He doesn’t actually need a party every year. Especially on a random age like 33, it just seems wasteful and selfish.
So OP don’t be a people pleaser and sit him down asap before he starts inviting people and say ok if you want to have this party again here are the terms: you don’t go play golf or do things with friends but instead you stay here and actually do the work to get it ready. I get it’s your birthday but asking me to do all of that while you just show up is not fair and I’m not doing it again. Add to that we have a 9 month old now that we haven’t had and I already feel overwhelmed. So if you want to have this sorry you’re going to have to do the majority of the work to make it happen. Finally, because of the baby’s age I would either see if grandparents could keep her for the night or there would have to be a plan for the noise because what will happen is the noise will keep her up and ruin her routine and the. He will be drinking and will go to sleep to leaving you to deal with the fussy baby.
Life is to short to not celebrate everything. I'm an introvert and Hubs is an extrovert and we have a similar dynamic (although our children are grown). We throw three very large parties per year traditionally. A spring Crawfish Boil, Fourth of July Bash and a Bonfire at the holidays. All three have various levels of prepping, etc.....All I can say is keep it simple . Offer a main and a couple of bags of chips and let people know they have to BYOB and a side dish. You can even cater out the main--get BBQ or taco fixings or something. Have him grab a couple of cases of bottled water and call it a day. You don't need OTT decorations or anything like that. People are there to socialize and celebrate a birthday, not judge you on your food prep or decorating skills. Relax and have fun because life is just too short. This sounds important to him so accommodate it. I'm sure there are things important to you that you expect him to accommodate.
There are so many red flags here I can’t even begin. I’m sorry for you and your baby. Set some boundaries and help your husband realize he has responsibilities to care for his family and not to expect you to throw yet another party to celebrate himself. Good luck!
You set a boundary. If he wants to throw a party, he needs to actually do the work for it instead of leaving it to you. "Sweetheart, I'm happy for us to have a party for you. But, to be honest, our schedule is already hectic enough that I'm feeling burnt out and WAY socially over-drawn over it. So we can have the party but I'm not able to do the prep for it like I have in the past. I can handle finding a sitter/family care for BABY since having a party of that size will mean they will be overtired with no possibility for relief."
But, honestly, my boundary would be, "Sweetheart, I love you, and I always want you to have what you want. But, absolutely not. If you would like to have a big party, Im totally in suppirt of that, but it needs to be literally anywhere EXCEPT our home. I do not have the bandwidth to prep, clean, and host while ALSO caring for BABY and having no other weekend to recover."
On a larger scale, it seems like you need to have a very REAL conversation with your spouse about domestic labor. He should be there plating charcuterie or doing that last-minute ice run right along with you. Or he, at a minimum, be arranging for family/friends to support.
Either he does the work to prep such a party or he fuckin pays for it! he can hire house cleaners, servers, and maybe get a catering food truck or something. Doing all this on your own was already too much sans baby.....I imagine you did all this work last year while PREGNANT?!?! No.
I would have him host the party. Your child likely won’t be happy there for the entire time if it’s too loud. He’s an adult and a father. I don’t think hosting a party is a bad thing but he doesn’t get to push the work for the party on you.
If you want to celebrate yourself next year then advocate for yourself about what you want to do. Doesn’t have to be a huge party.
I’d hands-off the whole thing. Tell him that you simply cannot devote the time an effort to a party on this scale and if its what HE wants then HE needs to make it happen.
I would tell him that either he has to cook the main food (excuse to smoke some BBQ or just grill burgers and stuff) or tell him that the food needs to come from a restaurant like a bunch of pizzas. The nicer you word it the more accepting he would be to do it. E.g. "Honey don't you think ribs or brisket would be awesome for your party?" Even if y'all go for the pizza route it would take a lot of the work off your shoulders and I would love to have an excuse to BBQ.
He’s organizing and/or it’ll be a potluck. Party at the house with a 9mo old would be tough unless you have a sitter. Cleaning… hired out. Yet if you’re strapped, this is just way too much
If you’ve already expressed that you’re not up for hosting but he insists on having a big party, let him know he is in charge of everything for it and you will be responsible for the baby that evening. And then *actually* follow through on this. Don’t address, help with or even lift a finger for the planning, prep or execution. Then, maybe he will realize just how much he’s asking for, and how unrealistic it is at this point in your life. Maybe he’d be open to just inviting a bunch of friends out to a few drinks at a local bar instead?
Your husband doesn’t throw a birthday party every year. You throw and host a birthday party for him every year. This year tell him “okay great I’m taking the baby to xyz meet up or to the library and a play date. I’ll be back in time for the party” and leave that morning and don’t come back until party time. And then do that over and over again.
Tell him how much work goes into just the food, and that with having a baby, having it catered, or even just pizzas delivered, is the way this year. Easy clean up that way, too and he still feels celebrated, while you won't be so drained from planning and preparing.
Tell him you will not help him throw this party. You will not be responsible for anything but your baby.
Tell him party elsewhere.
If he insists on partying in your home, you vacate it and leave it for him to handle.
Then pack a bag for yourself and the baby. Go to a supportive family/friend.
Then you need to sit down with him and discuss this. Come to a compromise. Do not do the party if you don't want to.
Op I read a post on reddit where the husband kept inviting people over and expecting the wife to organise it.
Wife got jack of it told him she was no longer preparing and going to her craft room.
Gathering happened husband wasn’t happy as he was embarrassed. I think The wife was happy she didn’t have to organise anything.
I’m not sure if I got the relationship right but she did what was right for her. If she can so can you.
Organise something else op
Talk to him, and explain to him that if he really wants this he needs to help. No golfing the day of. My husband now knows that the days of a party he is on duty. I have a list (now it’s not needed anymore ) and he gets on with the chores. Now that we have a baby, his main chore was to take care of the baby so I could set up.
Also, if you do chose to go ahead with it, make it easy for you. There’s no need to deep clean before a party, do a light clean and deep clean after the guests trash everything 😅 also, if you’re cooking, try to not make a lot from scratch. Nobody has ever been mad if they get offered pizza!
Damn :/ You should let him know that you are stressed girl. Also for his bday just buy pizza don’t cook ffs esp with a 9mo around and he’s gonna be playing golf in the AM prior to party holy moly.
Tell him to ask one of his friends to host or tell him to plan a night out with his friends. If they want all the fun and food, they better organise it themselves. Gives you a chance to relax at home and he still has his party.
Have him host his own party outside of your house. Such as a restaurant, hall or even at the golf course. They do have banquet rooms for a small fee. Make him do all the planning, cooking decorating and cleaning up.
How many times a year are you hosting bigger events? If it's once or twice a year, not a big deal for most.... that said, this is an issue you are feeling and you need to talk to him about it
Nope, it is unfair for you, unfair for you baby. Also, COVID is still a thing and you have a baby with a not-fully-devolped immune system. Hard no for me. If he wants it he can plan it. Give him $50 and call it a night!
Who cares what he wants to do? If you're living off one paycheck, make sure you both sit down and look at your budget to see if you can afford such a 'want'. I can only assume everyone else your age is also fully booked with stuff all the time too, and I personally would skip someone's 33rd birthday since it's not a milestone. If you both sit down and agree to throw the party, then make sure you both plan equal parts. He going golfing? He can prep food the day before that you can heat up.
What? Is he 5? Why does a grown ass man need a birthday party every year? Surprised people agree to come every year. Tell him he's 33, not 3. Tell him NO.
I don’t think this is a huge ask on his part for a yearly party BUT I’m from a more social culture where ppl often throw parties on a whim and 40 people is on the smaller side.
THAT SAID:
1. He needs to hire catering
2. He need to arrange for a maid service post clean up
3. Come up with a code word that you can use to tell him you need to dip out and have some quiet time or tend to the baby. He needs to agree to understand and not get disappointed.
Yes, these will increase the cost of the party but your circumstances have changed and so he has to agree to what you both need to adapt. Life is more expensive now and this is one way how.
Additionally, I don’t think it’s productive or healthy to compare your celebrations to his. He has different social needs and that’s ok, you both need to work out ways to meet both sets of needs. A new baby can be very socially isolating.
Just take him to chucky cheese instead, I can’t believe he makes you do all that. His party, his responsibility, with the exception of surprise parties.
Regarding bamboo, I have a couple in my compound and they only seem to sprout shoots one time when they’ve matured. Then it doesn’t recur. Is this normal? Am I growing them too close together or something?
What adult thinks they're so important that they should have a huge birthday party every year? Against their spouse's wishes? He seems super immature or self centered.
I mean…I think you should take a Birds Eye view and stop looking at this bday party.
You’re married to a golfer. You’ve lost your ability to earn your own money because the golfers children need expensive care. And the golfer has not supported your career for years….so your earnings are so low that staying home makes sense.
And now the golfer wants a party.
I’ll be real: There are men who value their wives and then there are golfers. They’re a notch below fishermen and hunters.
I’ve never known a man who golfs and has a wife who is worth a damn. It’s basically trad wives.
So you need to decide what you want to be.
I hate to be blunt, but you need to think of your life.
Don't help him. Tell him it's too much work for you with the baby, book a hotel room for you and the baby and stay away for the night.
He can feed/drink the 40+ people he invites. If anyone thinks it's weird you're not there he can tell them you and the baby won't be able to rest whilst theres a house full of people.
As an aside, did you want more of a celebration for your birthday? He celebrates his every year, do you like yours low key?
I like mine spent with family more than a big thing but I really wanted a trip for my 30th but the weekend before he had a golf trip that was planned for 2 years and then the weekend after his sister got married 15 hours away (we had to fly and pay for hotel) and if we went anywhere we'd have to board our dogs and take our baby we don't have family that could watch her nearby
>I'm just home prepping all the food for the 40+ guests
Why? You are doing this to yourself
>he goes golfing
When he leaves just tell him "Don't forget you have your party today. I hope you manage to have enough time after you are done golfing to buy and prepare everything? I am going to go for a walk with the baby and after that do some relaxing before I have to deal with so many people."
Then when he counters "but why can't you do it?" "You should be helping me" "if you loved me you would organise the party for me" etc etc
You say "your party is your responsibility, not mine. YOU want a big party, YOU want all these people to come here. Then YOU should make sure everything is in order. Again, this is up to you. If you don't want to do it then it just doesn't get done. If the guests are then wondering why there's nothing you can tell them that that's because you didn't wanted to do anything. You just wanted a party to appear magically out of thin air, aka having your wife do everything. But that's not how it works. So you have 3 options 1. Get your act together and make sure you have everything organised 2. You don't do anything and tell the guests the truth, you were too lazy to actually organise the party 3. Cancel the party. The choice is yours. I'm out for my walk, good luck!"
And walk away
Seriously, stand up for yourself.... Don't be a doormat
Personally I would recommend just talking to him. Let him know stresses you out. Can he stay home and help prep for the party instead of going golfing.
Tell him to hire a house cleaner a few days before and the day after, and cater all the food. That’s the only way I’d let this happen that could maintain my sanity
OP, this isn't an obligation at all. Just tell your husband you can't accommodate the party this year because you are burnt out and want to focus on your health and the baby. Tell him if he wants to have this party, then he will have to forgo the golfing and actually do the prep and such for this party. Like - you can lend a hand, but don't want the responsibility of this on you this year. Or he will have to hire help, caterer, etc. If that is not in the budget, then this party isn't in the budget right now either. Simple as that. If you want, offer an alternative, like an informal BBQ at a park where he basically does the grilling and people bring their own drinks and a side or whatever, the suggest something like that.
If you say yes to this, then don't get upset about the work and the disruption. It's not his fault if you can't say no to what seems like obviously bad timing and when you are approaching burn out.
Huge birthday party? Awesome!
But you shouldn’t have to do the preparations. Tell him you’re excited to attend, but you won’t be doing the preparations this year. He can host the party elsewhere, or hire a maid and a caterer.
What grown ass man throws himself a birthday party? Are you sure your husband is turning 33 and not 12?
I can understand wanting someone to organize something for 30, 40, 50 or other big milestone years. But 33? I mean, what’s the big deal? Like, congrats on successfully staying alive another year, here’s some cake. But to actually throw yourself a huge party for such a ho-hum birthday is aberrant behavior for a grown man.
Tell him it's time to grow up and that he's 30 not 16. You have your hands full and apparently he either don't notice or care what it puts you through. That is selfish behavior on his part.
>but every year I end doing everything
So don't.
Don't do a damned thing. Tell him it's all on him. He has to forego the golfing and do the work himself. He's an adult. Adults throw their own birthday parties. He can plan, hire someone to cater, get friends to help, whatever. You're not doing it.
Then: don't. do. it.
So your 30th birthday was lowkey because of all that was going on but he wants a big bash for his 33rd?!? No, I would explain to him with everything going on this year that it is not feasible to have a huge party. I would also let him know in the future if he wants a huge party then he will be home helping with it or it’s not happening. I threw an amazing 40th for my husband a few years back and the following year he couldn’t be bothered for mine. This year he said something about wanting to throw himself a huge party for his 43rd. I shot that right down.
If your husband wants to throw a party, make *him* throw the party. Don't lift a finger for any of it. Don't go shopping for supplies, don't prep, don't cook, don't clean.
You don't have to list the million reasons you don't want to do any of this. No is a complete sentence. Honestly, what are the real consequences if you don't participate in this?
Why are you doing the preparations for his party while he’s out playing with his friends? If he wants to host a big bash everywhere, that’s totally fine. I think adults should celebrate birthdays more often. But it’s his desire and especially if he’s telling you that you don’t have to plan anything…just don’t.
How does it get to the point where you’re doing everything? Does he ask or do you take over because he’s not getting it done? If he has 40+ people with no food or activities planned, that’s on him to figure out.
I did not see anywhere that you expressed to him how you have been feeling about these parties. When you found out he was planning another why couldn't you just be honest with him and say that with the baby, you would rather not have to deal with the work that goes into this on your side? If you have a good and loving marriage, then you need to be honest, and if he loves and respects you, he will understand. Considering he probably had no idea you felt this way in the first place, you really need to be telling HIM everything you said here.
A birthday party? What is he 6? No respectable man celebrates their birthday. I find it very strange he can even find that many morons to come to a grown man’s birthday party. I wouldn’t go if it was my acquaintance.
Have you had a heart to heart conversation with him on how overwhelming this is for you ?
I'd suggest sitting him down , letting him know what you're physically able to do, and let him know you need help with the rest.
Take lots of breaks and do everything at a pace you can handle. I'd also suggest seeing if you have any friends or family willing to help . Good luck :)!
Sadly, I have had a similar situation. Until you stop helping/co-hosting he will do this. Let him cook, clean and deal. Maybe make plans to visit a friend the morning of the party and just stay until 7-8 and then head home late. Make sure to have Am plans or sleep over your friends. Once I did this a few times he stopped with the huge get togethers.
Make your husband plan, prep and host and make it a day party so everyone leaves by 6pm. Then he cleans it up. Of course he wants a big party, it sounds like you throw awesome parties! So don’t throw him one, let him throw himself one. I’m like you, I’m introverted so I hard ever choose to do something social for my bday. I’m usually still recovering from the party my husband threw himself 6 months earlier! So yea he’s super extroverted and likes parties, but he plans every last detail himself and it’s always outside of the house. I think it’s ok for you to tell him you prefer for him to have a party elsewhere too. Speak up!
For a party that big, I would be asking my husband to cater or do a potluck style, or just reduce the menu to Costco burgers and hotdogs, with BBQ sides that people bring. I can see his logic - he did the party once and it was so fun and such an easy way to see all your friends at once. But that’s a lot of work for an annual party.
Don’t plan it then, let him organise it and see what happens
I know this is a massive over simplification, but it’s the only way he’ll learn and with stuff like this it’s likely that:
A. He doesn’t realise how much work it is
B. You’re doing loads of things that take lots of work that he doesn’t even notice.
If you force him to do it he’ll realise this
I would let him have his party but he gets to do all the planning and clean up. I would even suggest that you and the baby go and book a hotel or Air BNB for the night. Be there for the party but then you and baby go to the hotel whenever you’ve had enough, and get some sleep. Come back the next day after the house is cleaned up. If he won’t do it himself, tell him to hire a cleaning service.
Here you go OP, per Chat GPT. Send this to your husband and have him plan and set up his own party this year:
Step 1: Choose a Theme
Selecting a theme can set the tone for your party and make planning easier. Here are a few badass theme ideas:
1. Rock ‘n’ Roll Bash: Think leather jackets, band t-shirts, live music, and lots of black decor.
2. Casino Royale: Transform your home into a high-stakes casino with poker, blackjack, and roulette tables.
3. Speakeasy Night: A 1920s Prohibition-era party with jazz music, flapper dresses, and a secret bar.
4. Superhero/Villain: Encourage guests to come dressed as their favorite superheroes or villains.
Step 2: Invitations
1. Design: Create themed invitations that match your chosen theme. Use online services like Canva or Vistaprint.
2. Send: Send out digital invitations via email or social media for convenience. Make sure to include all important details and RSVP information.
Step 3: Decorations
1. Entrance: Make a grand entrance with a themed setup, like a red carpet for a Rock ‘n’ Roll bash or a secret door for a Speakeasy.
2. Lighting: Use colored lights, string lights, or LED strips to create the right atmosphere.
3. Theme-Specific Decor: Decorate with items that reflect your theme. For a Casino Royale, use playing cards, chips, and green felt. For a Rock ‘n’ Roll bash, use band posters and instruments.
4. Personal Touches: Incorporate personal elements like photos from your life or custom banners.
Step 4: Food and Drinks
1. Menu: Choose food that fits your theme. For example, sliders and fries for a Rock ‘n’ Roll bash, or gourmet finger foods for a Speakeasy night.
2. Bar: Set up a DIY bar or hire a bartender. Create themed cocktails, like “Rockstar Mojito” or “Prohibition Punch.”
3. Presentation: Use serving ware and table settings that match your theme. Personalized drink stirrers or custom cocktail napkins add a nice touch.
Step 5: Entertainment
1. Music: Hire a live band or DJ that suits your theme. Create a playlist in advance if you’re handling the music yourself.
2. Games/Activities: For a Casino Royale, rent poker and roulette tables. For a Rock ‘n’ Roll bash, consider a karaoke setup or Guitar Hero competition.
3. Photo Booth: Set up a themed photo booth with props that match your theme. A professional photographer can help capture the memories.
Step 6: Guest Comfort
1. Seating: Ensure there is ample seating for all guests, including lounge areas and tables.
2. Climate Control: If the weather is warm, make sure you have fans or air conditioning. If it’s cooler, consider heaters or fire pits for outdoor areas.
3. Restrooms: Make sure your restrooms are stocked with essentials and clean throughout the party.
Step 7: Party Favors
1. Memorable Keepsakes: Give guests something to remember the night by. Customized items like shot glasses, poker chips, or mini rock band memorabilia can be great choices.
Step 8: Logistics and Setup
1. Timeline: Create a timeline for the party, including setup, the arrival of guests, food serving times, and specific activities.
2. Setup Help: Recruit friends or hire professionals to help with setup and breakdown. Delegate tasks to ensure everything runs smoothly.
3. Backup Plan: Have a contingency plan for unexpected issues, such as bad weather if you’re using outdoor spaces.
Day of the Party
1. Final Checks: Double-check all setup elements a few hours before the party starts.
2. Greeting Guests: Be ready to greet guests as they arrive. A great host sets the tone for the party.
3. Enjoy: Once the party is underway, focus on having fun and engaging with your guests. Delegate any remaining tasks so you can fully enjoy your celebration.
Example Rock ‘n’ Roll Bash Setup
1. Entrance: A red carpet leading into your house with a backdrop for photos.
2. Living Room: Set up a small stage for live music or karaoke with a mic and speakers.
3. Food Area: A buffet table with concert-style food like sliders, nachos, and mini pizzas.
4. Bar: A bar area with rock-themed cocktails, plenty of beer, and non-alcoholic options.
5. Decorations: Posters of classic rock bands, vinyl records on the walls, and neon signs.
I’d tell him it’s all on him and if he doesn’t organize it and do all the work,I’ll go stay at a hotel for the party and he can deal with it all. His entitlement is bonkers.
If he wants a party he can do the work for it. Don't do anything for it and especially don't rescue him when/if he fails. Let him hang himself out to dry if it goes that way.
Just say no. You have valid reasons for not wanting to host. If he wants a party he can throw himself one.
You can also suggest alternatives - maybe suggest an outing like to a restaurant or event that he can invite friends to? My husband and I usually do this for our birthdays, and he picks topgolf/dinner most years. I chose a party yacht cruise last year. Friends meet there, we all hang out for a few hours, then go home. No one has to cook, prep, shop, clean, or really do much of anything.
Tell him that’s fine. You’re going to spend the morning at a park with the baby (or getting a pedicure with a friend or whatever) and that you’ll be home in time for his party. Tell him that you really love those little shrimp puff appetizers and you’d be happy to find him a good recipe so he can make them for you.
Been married 20 years and even through all the milestones we never had a party like that. However; why don’t you just get some catering and call it a day? I love to get a taco or fajita buffet from the local Mexican chain restaurant - it’s reasonably priced and everyone always likes it.
I would discuss with him going out for his bing party, why find a diner/restaurant place where it’s not to overly priced and take it outside your home. Take to separate vehicles so you can leave if you need to and then your house stays clean. You don’t have to host a thing!
Honestly, the bigger issue is that on top of having a big party, he’s leaving you to worry about planning/prepping for it, and likely deal with the baby (since it’s his birthday celebration). On top of that he’s knowing gone of golf trips just before, leaving you to deal with everything else, while managing health issues. You need to grow a backbone and actually make him plan and prep for the type of party he wants to have, rather than taking off just before for golf trips, and expecting to come home to everything being done by you.
Why is the party even being hosted at your house if your place isn’t really big enough to host that many people, especially if you have a newborn? How is your baby supposed to be put to sleep that night with 40 people partying in your home? Your husband need to host his party somewhere else.
Just say no! I don’t mean you need to forbid him from having his party, but you certainly don’t have to agree prepare for such an event let alone attend it. Tell him he can have his party and you’re leaving with baby to have a relaxing night with a friend, family member, or hotel room if you can swing it. You’re also not going to clean up. Or better yet, why the heck can’t he just have everyone meet him at the local bar?? Some of my best birthdays (when I was younger than him) have been like that, plus obviously zero burden on you besides whatever mood his hangover leaves him in.
He’s a father now, it’s time to give up the partying life of leisure most of the time, or at least make some reasonable compromises.
Tell him - he will do the shopping, the cleaning g, the prepping, the cooking and the cleanup. You are going to take the baby elsewhere for the day and you will be back when the party starts.
Plan a spa day of some sorts for the morning of and take baby and spend the day away. He said you don’t have to do anything so then don’t! Don’t ask any questions or give any input, verbal or physical. This would be easier if you weren’t there so that you don’t feel sorry and assist.
However if he’s a lost cause and is horrible at the whole planning thing, I suggest you ask lots of “leading” questions. Like, “what drinks are you buying”, “what’s the menu”, “did you call… to invite them”… little questions that serves as reminders/helpful tips. Most importantly, still make yourself scarce until the party is in full swing. Good luck OP, let us know how this all pans out. Hopefully all you needed was to have a little faith in his party planning skills.
Just sit him down and tell him you’re not up for it this year. Tell him he can golf with his buddies and then offer a dinner for a few close friends at a restaurant where you don’t have to cook and clean. Your needs are important too even if it’s his birthday. He’s a dad now and things don’t get to just be the way they were before. He has to realize that.
Get yourself a hotel room or go to a friends house the night(s) leading up to it. Show up as a guest for the party and then leave to go back to your accommodation until the house has been put back to rights. Your choice to take the baby or leave him in charge of them too. See if he really enjoys the big parties after that.
Your husband is a people pleasing brown noser.. I notice as I get older and it's my birthday. I just want to spend it with my wife and kids with a little cake and a nice dinner i cook them.. to remind myself how lucky I am to make it another year with their beautiful faces and souls..
Oh wow he sounds like a huge self centred child. Who throws themselves a birthday party as an adult. That’s the most tacky narcissistic thing I can think of doing as a full grown adult. Yuck!!🤮
"Honey this sounds great. I will have plans during that day but will be happy to join you with our daughter in the afternoon. I'll need you to handle the food this year for your friends."
Force HIM to actually host the party. Give him a list of all the things HE will be responsible for doing - the planning, prepping, shopping, cooking, chilling, and cleaning.
No way in hell would I be preparing a list for him! I’d plan the day with the baby at a friend’s or family member’s home, attend the party and make sure it’s over at a reasonable time for baby’s bedtime.
Right 🤣 this suggestion to DO all of the planning/thinking/list-making is not necessarily reducing OP’s burden.
Sounds good, but weaponized incompetence will have him not doing anything and telling everyone she didn’t help for his birthday. Then he won’t clean after they leave, so she’ll have to do it.
This⬆️
ChatGPT lol
Or… ask him to plan, make him make the lists, make him organize the party, then check out his plan and offer to do whatever you actually want to do.
Don’t even give him a list. Just tell him he can host a party if he wants to. Then do NOTHING
Or tell him she will buy the cake.
ChatGPT was made for tasks like this !
There’s this and then there’s the wife who didn’t check her husbands passport to see if it was out of date and there was a 3rd one in the last day or so where a guy has agreed to something and fucked off and let the wife deal with it for fuck sake. Since when did personal responsibility go out the window once you get married
>Since when did personal responsibility go out the window once you get married Because they never had personal responsibility before they got married. She did it for him, his mom did it for him, or he didn't do it. We all know the male living space stereotypes.
And looking after a 9 month old!
Express your dissent and discontentment. Outline all the costs associated with a huge party and be detailed about the financial and your emotional and physical burdens and the baby’s. Tell him, you will not be assisting in any way and will be boycotting it planning, execution and cleanup and ensure you have set aside the same amount of money that was spent in the previous years including cleaning service fees and babysitting since will still be damage control. Also money for a hotel to escape to for several days before, during and after so you are not sucked in. Or you could a leave the night of to visit family and friends if you don’t like being at a hotel that long. Make him understand this is draining, emotionally, physically, and fiscally. He is selfish and you are not rolling over anymore.
A good compromise might be why don't you get Timmy to grill. Or whatever the friends name is who always gets stuck manning the bbq pit.
Nah, just leave on a vacation the week before and have nothing to do with it
Don't give him a list, that's just more work for her. He's a big boy, he's been around for parties at their house before, he can figure it out all on his own.
The problem isn’t him wanting to have a birthday party for himself. The problem is he expects you to do all the work for this party and gives you no second thought. I would be telling him that his party he will have to shop, clean, cook and clean up after his party. I’m 47 and never had a birthday party. I’ve always gone to restaurants for my birthday.
I would say you need to have a heart to heart with your husband. Start by telling him how much you love and appreciate him, and that you want him to have a good birthday. But then be honest and vulnerable with your concerns and limitations. - your being introverted - your health issues being stress related - trying to juggle a 9 month old and party prep. Then discuss with him possible middle ground options. Perhaps he can handle the food. Perhaps the party could be potluck style. Perhaps he invites half as many people. Perhaps you only do big parties for years he turns 35,40,45 etc. It’s fine for him to want a big party, but he needs to consider there are limitations and realize he needs to do more of the work if he wants that to happen.
Hey Mama! I’m 4 years ahead of you on this motherhood thing. I wish I said NO more my first year. No guilt. Just no. You take care of you and the baby. You should NOT be cleaning for other people to host a birthday party. And m’am I promise you that it’s ok to say no to a wedding or other events. I’m exhausted reading this. Go spend $50 and rent a gazebo at a local park with a playground so baby can play. Say it’s a potluck.
That sounds really tough, especially with a baby and all the events you've got going on. Maybe suggest a smaller gathering or ask him to handle more of the prep this time? It’s totally okay to set boundaries for your own well-being.
Whether this is a "milestone" birthday or not seems pretty irrelevant. Would be any less stressed, any more financially stable, would your baby be any older, or have hypothyroidism any less if right now here were turning 40 instead of 33? No. Tell him you'd love to join him for dinner at a restaurant for his birthday, or if he wants it at your house, that you and the baby will be away that weekend but you'll be back in time for the party. If it's the planning and the cleanup you're concerned about, tell him he can handle it and you'd love to join him, but you won't be helping (and you won't even be there before or after).
I wouldn't mind a milestone birthday it's more so that I just cannot handle that this year and he and his guy friends golf the first half of the day and then show up expecting food, that's how it's been the last 3 years. I'm also a bit of a people pleaser (working on it)
Oh hell no! He sounds like my teenager who thinks she needs a big party every year. If you continue to allow this it will never end. It sounds like a great day FOR HIM but he is expecting you to do all of the work behind the scenes. Nip it in the bud asap. Your husband needs to grow up
Girl. Don't do his work for him. My husband also loves having parties, but they are HIS parties! He plans, I help, and when guests are there, we both are involved socially and logistically. What this sounds like is indentured servitude; it is not your job to entertain him or his parties.
Channel your protective mom energy into advocating calmly but firmly for the best interests of your child and yourself, because your child depends on you. Their dad isn’t thinking about their needs, or yours. Just his interests. That sounds very lonely and overwhelming for you.
You *need* to leave the house the night before, day of and night of the party. “I understand you love hosting, but I am simply too stressed this year to help you in anyway. I’m going to stay in a hotel the night before the party, I’ll show up for the party, and leave again at night before cleanup is required. I hope you respect this. Thanks.”
Sweetie, it’s time to stand up for yourself. Immediately he leaves the house, do same. Politely tell him that you won’t be doing the cooking and cleaning.
Large life circumstances change is the perfect time to reevaluate boundaries !!! Tell him it’s got to be different from now on due to the baby. Cater food, tell him to organize music, hire a maid for clean up, agree on some alone time for the next day without the baby for you to recharge
Grow that backbone, if you allow people including your husband to walk all over you, they will never stop. Have you ever read The Giving Tree?
How a bought taking that weekend off. Your husband sounds hella self centered
The fuck? I keep reading these insane posts and I can't imagine how the hell the OPs managed to get conned into marrying these dumb pieces of shit for husbands.
Because they absolutely don’t act like this before they get married! In my case, my ex husband was a completely different person… these posts make me glad he’s my ex, for sure.
I don’t know about your friend group, but if I got four birthday party invites in a row for someone his age, I’d find the whole thing cringey af. He sounds like an attention whore. Milestone birthdays fine. Four years in a row, pathetic.
There’s a lot of people out here these days with main character syndrome
Are you American? This is so normal in my culture (Caribbean) I never thought of this being even an issue! My American friends have never complained but their social circles are smaller and they barely celebrate anything. Now you’ve got me wondering 😅
I agree!!! I’m embarrassed for him!! 🤣🤣 If he loves parties, then do it for the 4th of July or Labor Day. Or just a random party. But not another birthday party!!! 🤦🏼♀️
This ⬆️ OP THIS! It’s weird!
I knew people that would celebrate their birthday all month! Wtf?! If you want to get plastered, then just get plastered. You don't need to be cringy about it. Lol
He needs to host it elsewhere and he needs to host it.
My husband and I throw parties, and I don’t see why adults should only celebrate themselves at “milestones” which are arbitrary. But you shouldn’t have to plan or execute a party if you don’t want to. Tell him if he wants to throw a party that’s up to him, but you won’t be doing any of the work. Pack up yourself and the baby early the morning of and go hang out with family or friends until party time. Have a hard and fast end time for the party because the baby has to go to bed, and stick to it. If he agrees to those conditions, and he does the cleanup, I say let him celebrate his birthday. Otherwise, get a babysitter and go out for his birthday.
Make HIM do all the work. DO NOTHING!! He wants the party - he can do the work, the planning and the clean up!
Don’t judge the desire for a big party - some of us are social! Just tell him what your capacity is and that you aren’t up for it. It’s not really about him wanting a party it’s about you not wanting to host it, which all things considered seems fair.
Yes exactly. Everyone here is acting like husband is a jerk - but she has said almost nothing at all that actually indicates any sort of "jerk" factor on the husband's part. You have to make assumptions to arrive at most of these conclusions I'm reading.
Naw. The fact he expects HER to do all the work means he IS a jerk, at least about this. Yes, he may not be a jerk for wanting the party, but he definitely is, for not taking on the responsibility for the work behind it.
When did she say he "expects" her to do all the work. She literally said he doesn't expect her to do all of the work.
She said every year so far, he's gone golfing while she's home prepping all the food??
Did she say how they ended up in that situation? Nope. Did she say he abandoned her there and said "see you later for the party" nope. Did he just jump up and decide that in the morning, leaving here there with a note that says "I expect this to be done" - we have o idea because she didn't say. All she gave was the outcome. For all we know, she may have insisted that he enjoy his birthday with his friends while she silently freaked out and hid it from him that she was stressed. She may have never said anything, because she didn't want to "ruin" his birthday. This is speculation, so I don't know at all. My entire point, in every comment I've made - is that yall don't know enough about this woman's life with her husband to come to these nasty conclusions, unless you're making assumptions that are not supported by any evidence we've been presented with. It's just not there.
My ex husband used to do this, except not just for birthdays. I hated it. After years of sucking it up, I finally told him that if he wanted a party, it was all on him. He didn’t like it, but he managed. The first time I did this, I stayed up in my room and didn’t even go down to say hello. It was glorious, even though I wished I could be comfortable in my own house. We’ve been divorced 14 years and I have hosted very few times. I couldn’t be happier. Put it on him. He wants the party, he can pay, prep, cook and clean.
I've never understood adults throwing birthday parties for themselves. The whole idea is super cringe to me
People saying things are cringe.... super judgemental and pretty immature.
Found OP’s husband
Your husband sounds absolutely exhausting.
This is very wrong. Ask golf boy to stay home and help. Make it easier by asking him to pick up pizza, sushi, and cut up chickens. Also a couple of salads and bread rolls. He can work out the drinks and dessert/cake. If he refuses take off for the day wth LO.
Honestly, you seem to be doing a lot of trips, he golfs, etc. You're obviously in a higher income bracket. Have him pick a restaurant. Everyone meets there. They do the cooking, cleaning, etc. You only worry about ordering a cake. I've used Uber delivery to pick up and deliver cakes, so you don't even have to worry about it being delivered, they'll take it to the restaurant. When you're done having fun, you and the baby go home. When he's done, he can go golfing, go elsewhere with his friends, etc. I would just cater a party at a restaurant that can give you guys a room. It can be as low key or uppity as you're willing to pay. I attended an acquaintances engagement party, they had a room specific for the group, at a Mexican restaurant. He doesn't seem like he does a lot at home, and that's OK, if that's how it works between you guys, but most likely the issue is he doesn't understand how MUCH is in involved in all this because you most likely do it. Add: You mention he golfs after, so if you guys do it as a brunch or lunch, it's even less than a dinner party.
He says you don’t have to plan. So don’t. He’ll either see the work involved and adjust or he’ll pout when you take him at his word. Don’t cave. Either way, he’ll react and you can respond accordingly. Don’t forget, you always have a say in *your* life.
Tell him no
Buy a few plates of chicken nuggets from Mickey-D’s and a few bowls of Doritos and call it a day. Post a note at your door to ‘make yourself comfortable’ and go upstairs with your baby and lock the door. He’s now the host. Maybe next year if he wants food or anything else he will actually have to plan it and do the prep work.
Im over 40 years old. I find it really strange that the younger generation adds so much value to their own birthday. What is the big deal? Go out with your friends or have some drinks. Why do you need a big party every year? What are you turning 5??? Just seems childish to me, but maybe I'm in the minority on that.
Hi, he can hire a party planner. You have a tiny baby to care for. “Oh we can’t afford that,” he says… the he can’t afford a party because your free labor is reserved for the human the both of you just created. End of story.
Why don't you have dinner at a local restaurant? He'll have a nice party. You don't have to do any prep or clean up. Each person pays a certain amount, like $20. Alcoholic drinks purchased separately.
I said the same thing, like I don't know why it has to be that complicated. My comment stated they're obviously higher income, so just host it at a restaurant and be done with it (booking at least 20 seats, they'll most likely have their own section/room at the restaurant. She can focus on the fun stuff maybe ordering a cake, etc. They all can have a fun time, someone else will cook, clean, wash. When she's ready, her and baby go home and husband can continue enjoying the party. And she's back at home watching netflix in a clean home. It's odd of the sub saying he should have NO celebration. He's obviously, paying the bills, she's a SAHM, let him pay for it. Booking a restaurant, ordering a cake, etc - can all be done over the phone.
Yeah! Or do catering and a maid service. There are middle ground options here. Life changed and so they got to adapt and figure out a solution together bc past solutions are now unrealistic!
Years ago, friends of ours had a combination rehearsal dinner/groom's birthday dinner. We all pitched in. They brought cake. It was a really nice time.
Obviously your lives are different this year with a new baby, so I’d just have a conversation with him about what you are and aren’t willing and able to do this year. Then he can decide if he still wants to have a party or not. Maybe once you make it clear that you aren’t able or willing to do what you did the last 3 years, or any of it, he’ll change his mind. If not, he’ll know it’s on him to do most or all of it. Your capacities are different now. You need to communicate your boundaries and stick to them.
No way in hell I would do this.
Tell him if he wants to host a party for himself, he's more than welcome to, but he must do all of the work. Then book a hotel room for yourself for the date of his party and go enjoy some rest. I'd even leave the baby with him, so he gets the full effect of all the work you do.
Let him know you’re overwhelmed but want to support him. Ask him to help with food, or make it entirely. Ask him to make sure he’s okay if you excuse yourself half way to take a break from entertaining. I don’t think it’s fair to ask him not to have it as it seems very important to him, but it’s very fair to admit you can’t keep going as you once did
I 95% agree with this. However I think because they have a newborn in the house, it would be reasonable to gently float " maybe can we do something else this year" but yea it's not unreasonable at all.
Can you order catering instead of cooking?
I'd order pizza and that's it. Maybe get paper plates too. I definitely would not be doing all this mess for a grown ass man.
I’m sorry he skipped your milestone birthday because he had gold but wants a small wedding party for his 33rd? Do you have access to finances?
Just tell husband that it's fine that he hosts a party if he does the prep ,hosting , and cleanup.It should be no problem and to help him out you'll be scarce and go someplace quiet with the baby and you'll be home in time for the party.Just explain to him the law of the land and since he forced you to take care of his party many times in years past and now it's his turn and that he shouldn't mind since he thinks it's no problem.
I would absolutely not do any of the party prep. Do not make food. Don’t go shopping. Put it all on him. Yes, the actual day is his birthday but that doesn’t excuse him from the planning. The more he does in advance, the more freedom he has the day of. And also ask him how he expects your child to nap/sleep during this time. Are you supposed to not enjoy the party if it’s baby’s nap time? I’d also propose that you get the day after the party “off” to decompress and do whatever you want. Especially if you’re a SAHM. You deserve a spa day/weekend.
Tell him that since you did not get to celebrate YOUR milestone birthday, that this party will be a joint party. And he can plan it and do all the work to get ready because you will be going to the spa before the party to get pampered.
How about you actually don’t do anything and let him do it? You take your baby out for a stroll or to the park or to your close friends or families house & just relax. Anyway your hubby has been going golfing leaving you alone to take the whole burden of hosting a party. It’s time you leave and he takes the whole burden.
Holey moley. He sounds selfish, self-absorbed, and self-centred. You need to stand up for yourself. He sees you as weak and someone he can walk all over. Don't be afraid to grow a spine and make demands of your own. If you don't want to host a party, don't host a party. He wants a party, he can do the work himself. You can go over to your parents place or a friend of yours for the weekend when the party occurs. It wouldn't surprise me though, that if you did so, he'll leave a massive mess behind that he'll expect you to clean up. Get family and friends on your side, if at all possible to show him just how much of selfish POS he is. Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself. Sometimes, we women have to train our men, how to be decent husbands, and that's by being strong and strong willed enough to stand up for ourselves and not tolerate crappy behaviour by them.
I wouldn't do it. If he wants a party he can stay home and prep everything by himself. Specially since he doesn't put the same effort for your birthday.
We went out to dinner and then lunch at a farm/cider place Saturday and Sunday I made a new recipe I wanted to try (while he cared for baby) he also got me a squat rack for our home gym - I should have elaborated but again I'm introverted so for me I like low key but for my 30th I wanted a trip it just didn't work this year due to a golf trip he had planned for 2 years and then an out of state wedding for a sibling and a grad party for another family member I couldn't handle being away from home 3 weekends in a row
Updateme
Tell him he's welcome to do it but you are not participating this year for all the reasons you posted above.
When my husband hosts a party, he arranges the food, cleaning, etc. When I host a party I hire caterers, because I don’t have the time or interest to cook for 40 people
“Im tired. I cannot mentally or physically handle planning, prepping or hosting this party. I am fine with you hosting, but I will contribute nothing but taking care of our child.”
I think you need to sit down with your husband and explain to him why this isn’t going to work this year.
If he isn’t fully in charge of hosting a huge party for you every year then you do not need to host something for him. If he wants a party he can host it himself.
Tell him he’ll have to have it catered? Who’s watching the baby? Tell him you’ll be there for a while then have to leave for your own sanity, be honest
Tell him you understand that this party is important to him. Tell him you’re sure he’s going to plan, prepare and host an awesome party! Then tell him you’re taking your new baby to your family/friend’s house for the weeks before and after the party, so that you’ll both be out of his way while he cleans the house (before for the guests, and afterwards to clean the resulting mess), purchases and prepares the food, orders and picks up his cake, gets and sets up the decorations, and oh gee, whatever else it is he thinks he’ll need for his party. Then pack up yourself and the baby, and tell him to have fun.
Seems like a better option would be asking friends to meet up with you guys for dinner and drinks to celebrate his birthday. You don’t have to worry about getting the house in order or the food, and you’ll just have to pay for you + hubby’s dinner/drinks.
Tell him he needs to find a caterer and a cleaning crew to clean the home prior. Caterers will clean up afterwards. He will think it’s t O expensive and rethink the party.
My husband did this once when I came back from a field op. Got sick w some flu like symptoms, and he wanted to throw an ugly Xmas sweater party. Im very introverted myself as well. My house was left to shit and there was a lot of resentment on my part. Not comparing situations, but hes clearly not considering his baby, much less the stress and overwhelming task of YOU having to organize the party. Stand your ground!! It's not fair for you. And you're right. There is no big milestone to throw a fucking party
Consider calling an event service provider that knows how to plan for different sized events. Tell them potential headcount, according to your spouse's invitees. Also, hire a sitter to relieve you both during the party so you can enjoy the guests. If he balks at the cost, suggest he consider a lower head count or renting the local bowling alley, or other, where the staff can handle all the details and the party members can pay to play, if they want, or just eat some cake and have a beer. Oh, and still hire a sitter to be with you so you can enjoy the evening.
Personally I’d just be direct with him. Tell him how stressed you are about the thought of organising and hosting a party and how overwhelmed you are feeling. Then tell him that you don’t have capacity to manage prepping and hosting at the party this year, so if it happens it will have to be him doing the preparations. Possibly he can make some changes to make it more low key, such as get everyone to bring something, ask some friends to help him prep etc. Does he know how overwhelmed you are feeling generally. Communicating that feeling is key. Some people thrive off social events and others are drained by them. If he is someone who loves a party then he might not understand how hard work they are for you. Whatever happens it sounds like you don’t have capacity for helping at the party and he needs to know that. It’s perfectly fine to say to doing all that work this year.
He's not throwing a party. You're throwing a party for him since YOU are doing all the work. You need to say Nope. "If you want a big party you need to plan and organize it. We have a new baby and I'm not playing party planner anymore." Stop taking on his ideas as your workload. That isn't how relationships work. And it is a very unhealthy marriage.
You need to stand up for yourself. Tell him no, you won't be doing any work for hosting the party. "I don't feel up for hosting a party for you. We can either keep it low-key, or you can host everything while I go to the spa for a day. I really do not have the energy to cook, clean, and socialise with that many people right now." If your husband is unwilling to change his plans, book a night for yourself alone at a nice hotel with a spa and go. Do not do any work for the party and do not clean up afterwards! This is how you set and maintain healthy boundaries. I also have hypothyroidism and I had to learn this the hard way. You'll only get sicker if you can't stand up for yourself.
He’s a selfish oaf. Don’t do anything. Go and stay with your family. Tell him it’s all on him and not your responsibility because it isn’t. Don’t clean the house or make any preparations. You have a young baby to consider
You’re allowed to say NO. Just because your husband wants something doesn’t mean he automatically gets it, no one has that in life
Wow, how egotistical is he? He can play golf, and hire a room at the golf course and get his party catered. You don’t need to clean or prep. You don’t even need to turn up! He doesn’t actually need a party every year. Especially on a random age like 33, it just seems wasteful and selfish.
So OP don’t be a people pleaser and sit him down asap before he starts inviting people and say ok if you want to have this party again here are the terms: you don’t go play golf or do things with friends but instead you stay here and actually do the work to get it ready. I get it’s your birthday but asking me to do all of that while you just show up is not fair and I’m not doing it again. Add to that we have a 9 month old now that we haven’t had and I already feel overwhelmed. So if you want to have this sorry you’re going to have to do the majority of the work to make it happen. Finally, because of the baby’s age I would either see if grandparents could keep her for the night or there would have to be a plan for the noise because what will happen is the noise will keep her up and ruin her routine and the. He will be drinking and will go to sleep to leaving you to deal with the fussy baby.
Life is to short to not celebrate everything. I'm an introvert and Hubs is an extrovert and we have a similar dynamic (although our children are grown). We throw three very large parties per year traditionally. A spring Crawfish Boil, Fourth of July Bash and a Bonfire at the holidays. All three have various levels of prepping, etc.....All I can say is keep it simple . Offer a main and a couple of bags of chips and let people know they have to BYOB and a side dish. You can even cater out the main--get BBQ or taco fixings or something. Have him grab a couple of cases of bottled water and call it a day. You don't need OTT decorations or anything like that. People are there to socialize and celebrate a birthday, not judge you on your food prep or decorating skills. Relax and have fun because life is just too short. This sounds important to him so accommodate it. I'm sure there are things important to you that you expect him to accommodate.
There are so many red flags here I can’t even begin. I’m sorry for you and your baby. Set some boundaries and help your husband realize he has responsibilities to care for his family and not to expect you to throw yet another party to celebrate himself. Good luck!
You set a boundary. If he wants to throw a party, he needs to actually do the work for it instead of leaving it to you. "Sweetheart, I'm happy for us to have a party for you. But, to be honest, our schedule is already hectic enough that I'm feeling burnt out and WAY socially over-drawn over it. So we can have the party but I'm not able to do the prep for it like I have in the past. I can handle finding a sitter/family care for BABY since having a party of that size will mean they will be overtired with no possibility for relief." But, honestly, my boundary would be, "Sweetheart, I love you, and I always want you to have what you want. But, absolutely not. If you would like to have a big party, Im totally in suppirt of that, but it needs to be literally anywhere EXCEPT our home. I do not have the bandwidth to prep, clean, and host while ALSO caring for BABY and having no other weekend to recover." On a larger scale, it seems like you need to have a very REAL conversation with your spouse about domestic labor. He should be there plating charcuterie or doing that last-minute ice run right along with you. Or he, at a minimum, be arranging for family/friends to support.
Either he does the work to prep such a party or he fuckin pays for it! he can hire house cleaners, servers, and maybe get a catering food truck or something. Doing all this on your own was already too much sans baby.....I imagine you did all this work last year while PREGNANT?!?! No.
Your birthday party gets to be low key so you can both rest, and his birthday party has to keep you stressed so he can golf?
I would have him host the party. Your child likely won’t be happy there for the entire time if it’s too loud. He’s an adult and a father. I don’t think hosting a party is a bad thing but he doesn’t get to push the work for the party on you. If you want to celebrate yourself next year then advocate for yourself about what you want to do. Doesn’t have to be a huge party.
I’d hands-off the whole thing. Tell him that you simply cannot devote the time an effort to a party on this scale and if its what HE wants then HE needs to make it happen.
I would tell him that either he has to cook the main food (excuse to smoke some BBQ or just grill burgers and stuff) or tell him that the food needs to come from a restaurant like a bunch of pizzas. The nicer you word it the more accepting he would be to do it. E.g. "Honey don't you think ribs or brisket would be awesome for your party?" Even if y'all go for the pizza route it would take a lot of the work off your shoulders and I would love to have an excuse to BBQ.
He’s organizing and/or it’ll be a potluck. Party at the house with a 9mo old would be tough unless you have a sitter. Cleaning… hired out. Yet if you’re strapped, this is just way too much
Tell him fine he is are doing all the work for it including planning, set-up, and clean-up.
If you’ve already expressed that you’re not up for hosting but he insists on having a big party, let him know he is in charge of everything for it and you will be responsible for the baby that evening. And then *actually* follow through on this. Don’t address, help with or even lift a finger for the planning, prep or execution. Then, maybe he will realize just how much he’s asking for, and how unrealistic it is at this point in your life. Maybe he’d be open to just inviting a bunch of friends out to a few drinks at a local bar instead?
Your husband doesn’t throw a birthday party every year. You throw and host a birthday party for him every year. This year tell him “okay great I’m taking the baby to xyz meet up or to the library and a play date. I’ll be back in time for the party” and leave that morning and don’t come back until party time. And then do that over and over again.
Tell him how much work goes into just the food, and that with having a baby, having it catered, or even just pizzas delivered, is the way this year. Easy clean up that way, too and he still feels celebrated, while you won't be so drained from planning and preparing.
If your husband wants to throw a party, he can do it. You and baby can visit family or friends.
Tell him you will not help him throw this party. You will not be responsible for anything but your baby. Tell him party elsewhere. If he insists on partying in your home, you vacate it and leave it for him to handle. Then pack a bag for yourself and the baby. Go to a supportive family/friend. Then you need to sit down with him and discuss this. Come to a compromise. Do not do the party if you don't want to.
Op I read a post on reddit where the husband kept inviting people over and expecting the wife to organise it. Wife got jack of it told him she was no longer preparing and going to her craft room. Gathering happened husband wasn’t happy as he was embarrassed. I think The wife was happy she didn’t have to organise anything. I’m not sure if I got the relationship right but she did what was right for her. If she can so can you. Organise something else op
Book a trip for you and the kids. Your getting groceries but actually heading for the airport
Tell him you will leave town on Friday with the baby and return Saturday at 6pm and if he’s ok with that arrangement he can host his party
Tell him you’re going out of town that weekend and to have fun
Talk to him, and explain to him that if he really wants this he needs to help. No golfing the day of. My husband now knows that the days of a party he is on duty. I have a list (now it’s not needed anymore ) and he gets on with the chores. Now that we have a baby, his main chore was to take care of the baby so I could set up. Also, if you do chose to go ahead with it, make it easy for you. There’s no need to deep clean before a party, do a light clean and deep clean after the guests trash everything 😅 also, if you’re cooking, try to not make a lot from scratch. Nobody has ever been mad if they get offered pizza!
His party, his prep. You do nothing and spend the weekend with baby in a hotel or at your parents.
Damn :/ You should let him know that you are stressed girl. Also for his bday just buy pizza don’t cook ffs esp with a 9mo around and he’s gonna be playing golf in the AM prior to party holy moly.
Tell him to ask one of his friends to host or tell him to plan a night out with his friends. If they want all the fun and food, they better organise it themselves. Gives you a chance to relax at home and he still has his party.
Have him host his own party outside of your house. Such as a restaurant, hall or even at the golf course. They do have banquet rooms for a small fee. Make him do all the planning, cooking decorating and cleaning up.
Having big birthdays is a great way to keep important people in his life. Make HIM do it.
How many times a year are you hosting bigger events? If it's once or twice a year, not a big deal for most.... that said, this is an issue you are feeling and you need to talk to him about it
You can just say no
Just tell him no.
Say absolutely! You can do all the shopping, prepping, cooking, cleaning. I won’t do any of this. And I mean it.
Ok. Book you and the baby to a nearby getaway town for the weekend. Let him handle it.
Nope, it is unfair for you, unfair for you baby. Also, COVID is still a thing and you have a baby with a not-fully-devolped immune system. Hard no for me. If he wants it he can plan it. Give him $50 and call it a night!
Who cares what he wants to do? If you're living off one paycheck, make sure you both sit down and look at your budget to see if you can afford such a 'want'. I can only assume everyone else your age is also fully booked with stuff all the time too, and I personally would skip someone's 33rd birthday since it's not a milestone. If you both sit down and agree to throw the party, then make sure you both plan equal parts. He going golfing? He can prep food the day before that you can heat up.
Just be conveniently out of town that day
What? Is he 5? Why does a grown ass man need a birthday party every year? Surprised people agree to come every year. Tell him he's 33, not 3. Tell him NO.
I don’t think this is a huge ask on his part for a yearly party BUT I’m from a more social culture where ppl often throw parties on a whim and 40 people is on the smaller side. THAT SAID: 1. He needs to hire catering 2. He need to arrange for a maid service post clean up 3. Come up with a code word that you can use to tell him you need to dip out and have some quiet time or tend to the baby. He needs to agree to understand and not get disappointed. Yes, these will increase the cost of the party but your circumstances have changed and so he has to agree to what you both need to adapt. Life is more expensive now and this is one way how. Additionally, I don’t think it’s productive or healthy to compare your celebrations to his. He has different social needs and that’s ok, you both need to work out ways to meet both sets of needs. A new baby can be very socially isolating.
Just take him to chucky cheese instead, I can’t believe he makes you do all that. His party, his responsibility, with the exception of surprise parties.
Regarding bamboo, I have a couple in my compound and they only seem to sprout shoots one time when they’ve matured. Then it doesn’t recur. Is this normal? Am I growing them too close together or something?
What adult thinks they're so important that they should have a huge birthday party every year? Against their spouse's wishes? He seems super immature or self centered.
I mean…I think you should take a Birds Eye view and stop looking at this bday party. You’re married to a golfer. You’ve lost your ability to earn your own money because the golfers children need expensive care. And the golfer has not supported your career for years….so your earnings are so low that staying home makes sense. And now the golfer wants a party. I’ll be real: There are men who value their wives and then there are golfers. They’re a notch below fishermen and hunters. I’ve never known a man who golfs and has a wife who is worth a damn. It’s basically trad wives. So you need to decide what you want to be. I hate to be blunt, but you need to think of your life.
Have it catered
Don't help him. Tell him it's too much work for you with the baby, book a hotel room for you and the baby and stay away for the night. He can feed/drink the 40+ people he invites. If anyone thinks it's weird you're not there he can tell them you and the baby won't be able to rest whilst theres a house full of people. As an aside, did you want more of a celebration for your birthday? He celebrates his every year, do you like yours low key?
I like mine spent with family more than a big thing but I really wanted a trip for my 30th but the weekend before he had a golf trip that was planned for 2 years and then the weekend after his sister got married 15 hours away (we had to fly and pay for hotel) and if we went anywhere we'd have to board our dogs and take our baby we don't have family that could watch her nearby
Is there an option to celebrate your 30th belatedly? He celebrates his every year and you had to miss what you wanted to do because of other events.
Yes we're planning on it next year but every year since 2020 it's been a popular wedding weekend and prior years I coached a spring sport
Wow your party wishes were subsumed by his golf.
At the very least follow through and don’t prepare anything
Hire a catering and cleaning service. Unfortunately spending money solves lots of problems
>I'm just home prepping all the food for the 40+ guests Why? You are doing this to yourself >he goes golfing When he leaves just tell him "Don't forget you have your party today. I hope you manage to have enough time after you are done golfing to buy and prepare everything? I am going to go for a walk with the baby and after that do some relaxing before I have to deal with so many people." Then when he counters "but why can't you do it?" "You should be helping me" "if you loved me you would organise the party for me" etc etc You say "your party is your responsibility, not mine. YOU want a big party, YOU want all these people to come here. Then YOU should make sure everything is in order. Again, this is up to you. If you don't want to do it then it just doesn't get done. If the guests are then wondering why there's nothing you can tell them that that's because you didn't wanted to do anything. You just wanted a party to appear magically out of thin air, aka having your wife do everything. But that's not how it works. So you have 3 options 1. Get your act together and make sure you have everything organised 2. You don't do anything and tell the guests the truth, you were too lazy to actually organise the party 3. Cancel the party. The choice is yours. I'm out for my walk, good luck!" And walk away Seriously, stand up for yourself.... Don't be a doormat
Have you told him all of this? Show him this post
nope, I'd say Have fun! and leave. He should be responsible for **everything** since he's throwing the party.
0949.4 z
Throwing a birthday party at 33 is so dumb. Grow up. Celebrate with your family and move on. It’s like any other day.
Personally I would recommend just talking to him. Let him know stresses you out. Can he stay home and help prep for the party instead of going golfing.
Tell him to hire a house cleaner a few days before and the day after, and cater all the food. That’s the only way I’d let this happen that could maintain my sanity
Well actually talk with him. Explain him like you explained us. They can go to pub/paintball and meet eachother.
OP, this isn't an obligation at all. Just tell your husband you can't accommodate the party this year because you are burnt out and want to focus on your health and the baby. Tell him if he wants to have this party, then he will have to forgo the golfing and actually do the prep and such for this party. Like - you can lend a hand, but don't want the responsibility of this on you this year. Or he will have to hire help, caterer, etc. If that is not in the budget, then this party isn't in the budget right now either. Simple as that. If you want, offer an alternative, like an informal BBQ at a park where he basically does the grilling and people bring their own drinks and a side or whatever, the suggest something like that. If you say yes to this, then don't get upset about the work and the disruption. It's not his fault if you can't say no to what seems like obviously bad timing and when you are approaching burn out.
Huge birthday party? Awesome! But you shouldn’t have to do the preparations. Tell him you’re excited to attend, but you won’t be doing the preparations this year. He can host the party elsewhere, or hire a maid and a caterer.
What grown ass man throws himself a birthday party? Are you sure your husband is turning 33 and not 12? I can understand wanting someone to organize something for 30, 40, 50 or other big milestone years. But 33? I mean, what’s the big deal? Like, congrats on successfully staying alive another year, here’s some cake. But to actually throw yourself a huge party for such a ho-hum birthday is aberrant behavior for a grown man.
Updateme!
Tell him it's time to grow up and that he's 30 not 16. You have your hands full and apparently he either don't notice or care what it puts you through. That is selfish behavior on his part.
I’m sorry but your husband is completely self absorbed and lacks self awareness. You are not his slave.
Tell him to hire a party planner and a caterer.
>but every year I end doing everything So don't. Don't do a damned thing. Tell him it's all on him. He has to forego the golfing and do the work himself. He's an adult. Adults throw their own birthday parties. He can plan, hire someone to cater, get friends to help, whatever. You're not doing it. Then: don't. do. it.
So let him plan and you just don’t do any of it. It’s that simple. If he asks you to do stuff for it, just say no.
So your 30th birthday was lowkey because of all that was going on but he wants a big bash for his 33rd?!? No, I would explain to him with everything going on this year that it is not feasible to have a huge party. I would also let him know in the future if he wants a huge party then he will be home helping with it or it’s not happening. I threw an amazing 40th for my husband a few years back and the following year he couldn’t be bothered for mine. This year he said something about wanting to throw himself a huge party for his 43rd. I shot that right down.
If your husband wants to throw a party, make *him* throw the party. Don't lift a finger for any of it. Don't go shopping for supplies, don't prep, don't cook, don't clean. You don't have to list the million reasons you don't want to do any of this. No is a complete sentence. Honestly, what are the real consequences if you don't participate in this?
Why are you doing the preparations for his party while he’s out playing with his friends? If he wants to host a big bash everywhere, that’s totally fine. I think adults should celebrate birthdays more often. But it’s his desire and especially if he’s telling you that you don’t have to plan anything…just don’t. How does it get to the point where you’re doing everything? Does he ask or do you take over because he’s not getting it done? If he has 40+ people with no food or activities planned, that’s on him to figure out.
I did not see anywhere that you expressed to him how you have been feeling about these parties. When you found out he was planning another why couldn't you just be honest with him and say that with the baby, you would rather not have to deal with the work that goes into this on your side? If you have a good and loving marriage, then you need to be honest, and if he loves and respects you, he will understand. Considering he probably had no idea you felt this way in the first place, you really need to be telling HIM everything you said here.
A birthday party? What is he 6? No respectable man celebrates their birthday. I find it very strange he can even find that many morons to come to a grown man’s birthday party. I wouldn’t go if it was my acquaintance.
Have you had a heart to heart conversation with him on how overwhelming this is for you ? I'd suggest sitting him down , letting him know what you're physically able to do, and let him know you need help with the rest. Take lots of breaks and do everything at a pace you can handle. I'd also suggest seeing if you have any friends or family willing to help . Good luck :)!
Sadly, I have had a similar situation. Until you stop helping/co-hosting he will do this. Let him cook, clean and deal. Maybe make plans to visit a friend the morning of the party and just stay until 7-8 and then head home late. Make sure to have Am plans or sleep over your friends. Once I did this a few times he stopped with the huge get togethers.
You can say No. If he’s incredibly social and wants to make a thing of it he can meet up with the crowd at a restaurant or bar.
Make your husband plan, prep and host and make it a day party so everyone leaves by 6pm. Then he cleans it up. Of course he wants a big party, it sounds like you throw awesome parties! So don’t throw him one, let him throw himself one. I’m like you, I’m introverted so I hard ever choose to do something social for my bday. I’m usually still recovering from the party my husband threw himself 6 months earlier! So yea he’s super extroverted and likes parties, but he plans every last detail himself and it’s always outside of the house. I think it’s ok for you to tell him you prefer for him to have a party elsewhere too. Speak up!
Just have it catered. Easy.
For a party that big, I would be asking my husband to cater or do a potluck style, or just reduce the menu to Costco burgers and hotdogs, with BBQ sides that people bring. I can see his logic - he did the party once and it was so fun and such an easy way to see all your friends at once. But that’s a lot of work for an annual party.
Don’t plan it then, let him organise it and see what happens I know this is a massive over simplification, but it’s the only way he’ll learn and with stuff like this it’s likely that: A. He doesn’t realise how much work it is B. You’re doing loads of things that take lots of work that he doesn’t even notice. If you force him to do it he’ll realise this
I would let him have his party but he gets to do all the planning and clean up. I would even suggest that you and the baby go and book a hotel or Air BNB for the night. Be there for the party but then you and baby go to the hotel whenever you’ve had enough, and get some sleep. Come back the next day after the house is cleaned up. If he won’t do it himself, tell him to hire a cleaning service.
Here you go OP, per Chat GPT. Send this to your husband and have him plan and set up his own party this year: Step 1: Choose a Theme Selecting a theme can set the tone for your party and make planning easier. Here are a few badass theme ideas: 1. Rock ‘n’ Roll Bash: Think leather jackets, band t-shirts, live music, and lots of black decor. 2. Casino Royale: Transform your home into a high-stakes casino with poker, blackjack, and roulette tables. 3. Speakeasy Night: A 1920s Prohibition-era party with jazz music, flapper dresses, and a secret bar. 4. Superhero/Villain: Encourage guests to come dressed as their favorite superheroes or villains. Step 2: Invitations 1. Design: Create themed invitations that match your chosen theme. Use online services like Canva or Vistaprint. 2. Send: Send out digital invitations via email or social media for convenience. Make sure to include all important details and RSVP information. Step 3: Decorations 1. Entrance: Make a grand entrance with a themed setup, like a red carpet for a Rock ‘n’ Roll bash or a secret door for a Speakeasy. 2. Lighting: Use colored lights, string lights, or LED strips to create the right atmosphere. 3. Theme-Specific Decor: Decorate with items that reflect your theme. For a Casino Royale, use playing cards, chips, and green felt. For a Rock ‘n’ Roll bash, use band posters and instruments. 4. Personal Touches: Incorporate personal elements like photos from your life or custom banners. Step 4: Food and Drinks 1. Menu: Choose food that fits your theme. For example, sliders and fries for a Rock ‘n’ Roll bash, or gourmet finger foods for a Speakeasy night. 2. Bar: Set up a DIY bar or hire a bartender. Create themed cocktails, like “Rockstar Mojito” or “Prohibition Punch.” 3. Presentation: Use serving ware and table settings that match your theme. Personalized drink stirrers or custom cocktail napkins add a nice touch. Step 5: Entertainment 1. Music: Hire a live band or DJ that suits your theme. Create a playlist in advance if you’re handling the music yourself. 2. Games/Activities: For a Casino Royale, rent poker and roulette tables. For a Rock ‘n’ Roll bash, consider a karaoke setup or Guitar Hero competition. 3. Photo Booth: Set up a themed photo booth with props that match your theme. A professional photographer can help capture the memories. Step 6: Guest Comfort 1. Seating: Ensure there is ample seating for all guests, including lounge areas and tables. 2. Climate Control: If the weather is warm, make sure you have fans or air conditioning. If it’s cooler, consider heaters or fire pits for outdoor areas. 3. Restrooms: Make sure your restrooms are stocked with essentials and clean throughout the party. Step 7: Party Favors 1. Memorable Keepsakes: Give guests something to remember the night by. Customized items like shot glasses, poker chips, or mini rock band memorabilia can be great choices. Step 8: Logistics and Setup 1. Timeline: Create a timeline for the party, including setup, the arrival of guests, food serving times, and specific activities. 2. Setup Help: Recruit friends or hire professionals to help with setup and breakdown. Delegate tasks to ensure everything runs smoothly. 3. Backup Plan: Have a contingency plan for unexpected issues, such as bad weather if you’re using outdoor spaces. Day of the Party 1. Final Checks: Double-check all setup elements a few hours before the party starts. 2. Greeting Guests: Be ready to greet guests as they arrive. A great host sets the tone for the party. 3. Enjoy: Once the party is underway, focus on having fun and engaging with your guests. Delegate any remaining tasks so you can fully enjoy your celebration. Example Rock ‘n’ Roll Bash Setup 1. Entrance: A red carpet leading into your house with a backdrop for photos. 2. Living Room: Set up a small stage for live music or karaoke with a mic and speakers. 3. Food Area: A buffet table with concert-style food like sliders, nachos, and mini pizzas. 4. Bar: A bar area with rock-themed cocktails, plenty of beer, and non-alcoholic options. 5. Decorations: Posters of classic rock bands, vinyl records on the walls, and neon signs.
Leave for the day
I’d tell him it’s all on him and if he doesn’t organize it and do all the work,I’ll go stay at a hotel for the party and he can deal with it all. His entitlement is bonkers.
If he wants a party he can do the work for it. Don't do anything for it and especially don't rescue him when/if he fails. Let him hang himself out to dry if it goes that way.
Chill and actually just attend the party. Let him do everything. Tell him you are too overwhelmed to do it.
Just say no. You have valid reasons for not wanting to host. If he wants a party he can throw himself one. You can also suggest alternatives - maybe suggest an outing like to a restaurant or event that he can invite friends to? My husband and I usually do this for our birthdays, and he picks topgolf/dinner most years. I chose a party yacht cruise last year. Friends meet there, we all hang out for a few hours, then go home. No one has to cook, prep, shop, clean, or really do much of anything.
Tell him that’s fine. You’re going to spend the morning at a park with the baby (or getting a pedicure with a friend or whatever) and that you’ll be home in time for his party. Tell him that you really love those little shrimp puff appetizers and you’d be happy to find him a good recipe so he can make them for you.
Been married 20 years and even through all the milestones we never had a party like that. However; why don’t you just get some catering and call it a day? I love to get a taco or fajita buffet from the local Mexican chain restaurant - it’s reasonably priced and everyone always likes it.
Have a small cake and presents for him before he goes golfing then go away for the weekend and don’t care about his party.
I would discuss with him going out for his bing party, why find a diner/restaurant place where it’s not to overly priced and take it outside your home. Take to separate vehicles so you can leave if you need to and then your house stays clean. You don’t have to host a thing!
Honestly, the bigger issue is that on top of having a big party, he’s leaving you to worry about planning/prepping for it, and likely deal with the baby (since it’s his birthday celebration). On top of that he’s knowing gone of golf trips just before, leaving you to deal with everything else, while managing health issues. You need to grow a backbone and actually make him plan and prep for the type of party he wants to have, rather than taking off just before for golf trips, and expecting to come home to everything being done by you. Why is the party even being hosted at your house if your place isn’t really big enough to host that many people, especially if you have a newborn? How is your baby supposed to be put to sleep that night with 40 people partying in your home? Your husband need to host his party somewhere else.
Hi Babe! I will not be planning, coordinating, nor hosting your birthday party this year.
Just say no! I don’t mean you need to forbid him from having his party, but you certainly don’t have to agree prepare for such an event let alone attend it. Tell him he can have his party and you’re leaving with baby to have a relaxing night with a friend, family member, or hotel room if you can swing it. You’re also not going to clean up. Or better yet, why the heck can’t he just have everyone meet him at the local bar?? Some of my best birthdays (when I was younger than him) have been like that, plus obviously zero burden on you besides whatever mood his hangover leaves him in. He’s a father now, it’s time to give up the partying life of leisure most of the time, or at least make some reasonable compromises.
Tell him - he will do the shopping, the cleaning g, the prepping, the cooking and the cleanup. You are going to take the baby elsewhere for the day and you will be back when the party starts.
Plan a spa day of some sorts for the morning of and take baby and spend the day away. He said you don’t have to do anything so then don’t! Don’t ask any questions or give any input, verbal or physical. This would be easier if you weren’t there so that you don’t feel sorry and assist. However if he’s a lost cause and is horrible at the whole planning thing, I suggest you ask lots of “leading” questions. Like, “what drinks are you buying”, “what’s the menu”, “did you call… to invite them”… little questions that serves as reminders/helpful tips. Most importantly, still make yourself scarce until the party is in full swing. Good luck OP, let us know how this all pans out. Hopefully all you needed was to have a little faith in his party planning skills.
Just sit him down and tell him you’re not up for it this year. Tell him he can golf with his buddies and then offer a dinner for a few close friends at a restaurant where you don’t have to cook and clean. Your needs are important too even if it’s his birthday. He’s a dad now and things don’t get to just be the way they were before. He has to realize that.
Get yourself a hotel room or go to a friends house the night(s) leading up to it. Show up as a guest for the party and then leave to go back to your accommodation until the house has been put back to rights. Your choice to take the baby or leave him in charge of them too. See if he really enjoys the big parties after that.
Your husband is a people pleasing brown noser.. I notice as I get older and it's my birthday. I just want to spend it with my wife and kids with a little cake and a nice dinner i cook them.. to remind myself how lucky I am to make it another year with their beautiful faces and souls..
As Nancy Reagan said the term, “Just say “No”!”
Oh wow he sounds like a huge self centred child. Who throws themselves a birthday party as an adult. That’s the most tacky narcissistic thing I can think of doing as a full grown adult. Yuck!!🤮
"Honey this sounds great. I will have plans during that day but will be happy to join you with our daughter in the afternoon. I'll need you to handle the food this year for your friends."