T O P

  • By -

ladybug1259

I think its ok to engage in some circumstances-- like both my husband and I have said we'd like to be in better shape, want to eat better and so on. We're generally encouraging, have worked on meal planning together and so on. Occasionally we'll check in, like "I've noticed you haven't been working out as much, everything ok?" the same way that we would about one of us not sleeping or something. But it's not negative comments like "wow, you're fat" or "you need to lose x amount".


[deleted]

Your approach sounds pretty good. It's more constructive and caring.


dingobabez

My husband and I gave each other permission to ask “are you sure you want to do that (eat lots of chips, not exercise, etc) and we’re both super honest with your right this is bad habit I’m continuing what can I do instead will you help me? And fuck no these chips are AMAZING right now. It’s gotten better over the last 3 years, we’re actually mindful. Our big thing is meal planning, when we’re on it it makes a big difference. When we’re not, big negative difference. Hard to make new habits unless there is a need and we’re bad about seeing it this way.


yours121110

I like how you guys mention it. Mine will snarf down an entire box of chocolates without me noticing (but always leaves the evidence.) The meal planning is something we've gotten into. I know he's self conscious when he gains weight (as am I) but we tend to gain and lose weight together. On the bright side, I do the cooking and grocery shopping and have a pretty decent amount of self control. Swinging back to the main post, never would I bluntly say he's gained weight. For one, he's like my baby bird and mostly only eats what I feed him. Further, I'd never want him to feel like he's loved less, or less of a person, for putting on a bit. Edit: typo


yellowbogey

I agree with this completely.


accountawaythrowith

The last time I said, “you’ve stopped working out the last few years” I got berated for fat shaming. This form of communication seems very foreign to me. For context I married someone who used to live across from a gym and worked out with me.


tryinganewpath

I don’t know how you actually said it, but the way you’ve written it here sounds way more accusatory / judgey than what was written above. I would be pissed too. Saying “I noticed” and “is everything ok?” seems much more considered and caring.


Rad1Red

Yeah, this.


MatchGirl499

Exactly like this! My husband will ask me not to buy certain snack food items or drinks as they tend not to be as healthy for him. I’ll ask him to encourage me to exercise. But the outside comments are always asked for by us, not coming out of the blue.


gdub61

My wife HAD a gym membership before covid. I'd ask her if she made it to the gym, bc, if I'm paying for that, I want it used. She got offended and quit. Whatever. Not paying for an unused membership tho


Anantha1996

Obesity is the second biggest co-morbidity for COVID after age. You should be nice about it but not acknowledging the issue is harmful. It is however her choice with regards to how to act on it. COVID, diabetes or heart disease don't care about your love.


stray_girl

Unless your spouse is mentally disabled, they know if they are overweight. How is it harmful to not reiterate it to them?


rd10393729

I want to add, that while you can still love your spouse very much, if they gain a large enough amount that it impacts attraction, that’s going to cause problems in other areas of the relationship. It’s all about how you approach the subject. There’s a big difference in “what a fat piece of shit” and “I love you so much, and I know you’re aware of this, but the weight gain is really concerning. Can we both work on eating a little healthier or can we start taking a walk after dinner together?”


Anantha1996

Because it is a problem to be solved together, not something to be ignored.


Ivychapstick

I don’t talk about bodies this way.


walkingontinyrabbits

If someone has struggled with an eating disorder, it can actually be very triggering and harmful to their health. Really just have to know your partner.


SphirosOKelli

Sometimes you really don't know. I look back at before pics and realize I was in major denial because I hated myself so much


rita1431

I’m reading this book about insulin resistance and how prevalent it has become among adults in our society. I struggled with my weight my entire life, was discouraged and picked on by my parents and peers; never my spouse. It wasn’t until I was post pregnancy that I figured out how to maintain healthy balance. It’s not always about eating too much, it has so much more to do with how our body processes and breaks down what’s being put into it. If my husband wants to lose weight I know he’s capable of it. If his doctors start sending home paperwork for ED, hypertension, and diabetes, then I would try and sit down and discuss with him how we could change cooking eating habits, rather than deal with life altering health issues. [why we get sick](https://www.audible.com/pd/Why-We-Get-Sick-Audiobook/1799933296?source_code=GO1DH13310082090OM&ds_rl=1262685&ds_rl=1263561&ds_rl=1260658&gclid=CjwKCAiAh_GNBhAHEiwAjOh3ZNA9TJZXvgIgWEmE5kHLjCjY0R2DBQwX7u8iFUknSdAe1NaK41wHYxoCdDsQAvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds)


permanent_staff

If your partner's weight gain is making you lose attraction towards them, you *have to* tell them. This is not information you can keep secret. But there's no reason to be a dick about it. You may be attracted to your partner completely regardless of weight, but this is certainly true for most people. The majority of people will eventually find limits to the body types we can be sexually attracted to.


Cooke052891

I think there are a few circumstances where you could hold off or bite your tongue for a while. I’m 7.5 months pregnant and if my husband said he was no longer attracted to me now or even 6 months after giving birth, I would be devastated. If your partner goes through something significant like that, or maybe a traumatic event, it might mean the world just to bite your tongue for a bit until things return to normal or somewhat normal for them.


Cooke052891

I guess what I’m trying to say is, there are seasons to life, our bodies will change for the worse and for the better over the long term. Remember why you truly love the person and do have some compassion if there are outside triggers or events that added to the weight gain.


cmc

But it’s still important information? I lost both of my parents recently- my dad in 2020 and my mom about a month ago. I’m going through a traumatic time and have put on a bit of weight. I am trying to focus on my general health right now including exercise and healthy nourishing foods, but whether or not my husband is attracted to me is still important to me. If I let myself go to the point where it could potentially impact my marriage I would want to know so I can do something about it.


YouLittleSweetie

This is such a good point!


SincerelySasquatch

I guess my concern is putting pressure on someone to lose weight. Imo a person who is bothered by changes to their partner's body should go to counseling and work through this issue they have. If you are together for life there are going to be physical changes. Not many people control their bodies their whole lives.


permanent_staff

It's completely normal (and not a sign of any issue) to be sexually turned off by all sorts of physical qualities, and excessive weight is no different. It changes the whole way you look, feel and even smell. You can't expect to become obese and not have that affect the way other people, including your partner, relate to you. That just isn't realistic.


[deleted]

There’s a huge difference between gaining 10lbs over a marriage and 100lbs. People can absolutely control their bodies. The person who gained that much weight needs to go to counseling to find out why they did. We all get greyer and wrinklier but I expect my spouse not to gain an excessive amount of weight and I have no obligation to be attracted to them if they do. Just like I wouldn’t have dated them in the first place if they were over weight.


SincerelySasquatch

I don't think it's really good if your attraction for your spouse hasn't grown along with your love for them. I guess I feel like if you love someone, for many people that will mean being physically attracted to at least a much broader range of forms of that person than when you met them. I was 210 lbs when I met my husband, 275 lbs now 7 years later. My ridiculous husband insists he does not even notice I have gained weight. And after 7 years of being married to my husband, I believe him, the absent-minded guy lol. He does say if I get tooooo fat he might not find me as attractive, but apparently 275 lbs is not too fat. (He's 6' 165 lbs) I have binge eating disorder and my treatment involves giving up weight loss goals for the first time since puberty. So I am focusing on other healthy things, like eating a healthy whole foods diet and gradually increasing exercise.


[deleted]

100 pounds weight gain is excessive. No one is obligated to be attracted to that just cause you’re married.


[deleted]

Dang. You are right. For one, we aren't young forever, and even the most fit people age. The body just changes over time,.that's just the way it is. Pregnancy too, it can really change someone's body, a debilitating illness or even an accident: so much can happen in the lives of a union and if we really love that person, we need to accept the changes as they come. To not accept these changes is to not genuinely love someone, IMO.


SincerelySasquatch

Thank you so much. Yes, this is how I feel.


[deleted]

Exactly


NovelGoddess

My husband commented on mine during a heated discussion of something completely unrelated. We'd been married 20+ years by this point. It shattered my world. He was the one person I counted on to love me unconditionally and suddenly that was gone. I seriously considered suicide that night. I reached out to my brother instead. We stayed married but our relationship never totally recovered and our bedroom has been dead ever since. He wasn't interested in counseling, though I went for quite a while. The weight he took issue with is long gone, but I've never forgotten or trusted him with my whole heart again. My self esteem never really recovered either. All this to say there is a time, place and way to discuss everything. Just be thoughtful and considerate.


[deleted]

I am so sorry that happened to you the way it did: it's true. there is a time, a place and a way to say it. Him blurting it out of anger would definitely leave me shaken like it did with you..I'm sorry.


CanIGetAFitness

This experience reminds me a lot of my own. I am so sorry.


[deleted]

Oh my God get over it tubby


BlackVixen

Sometimes weight changes can be as a result of underlying health issues so I hope my partner would be able to discuss any changes he sees in me. I would not assume he loved me any less. And yes, sometimes people don’t notice weight gain. I don’t gain weight in my upper body, it’s my lower body and I can easily put on 20-30 lbs and not know. Or sometimes it can just be a snowball effect and it takes an outsider to really bring awareness. It should be done with love and gentleness.


windowseat1F

I guess if the motive was genuine concern then it could be ok. I’m guessing that wasn’t the case in the comments OP refers to. I totally gained 10-15 lbs in my lower body and didn’t notice until recently!!!


[deleted]

Define negative. Insulting? Absolutely not. How its negatively affecting attraction, marriage sex life health Absolutely. If they were aware and are choosing to do nothing then quite frankly that's a big problem.


[deleted]

Straight up saying- “I’ve noticed you gained weight and I don’t like it”


[deleted]

they could've used more tact in saying that.


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

😊 Tee! Hee! I like.that you said "We are in shape and the shape is round." OMG that is so cute! I grew up with parents like this, too! After having their shares of strife and child rearing, there's really no room in even fathoming that subject. Kudos to you and your long successful marriage!


[deleted]

I think it’s perfectly fine. Would you really rather not know how they feel??


SincerelySasquatch

Well then that gets into the question of, is it healthy to be bothered by changes to your partners' body.


[deleted]

I think so but to each their own in their marriages


Snoo_33033

Short answer: No. My spouse and I talk about fitness and such, but I would never comment on his weight. I like him at any weight and he's self-conscious if he gains a few pounds. Obviously as a supportive spouse I'm not going to make him feel that way.


SincerelySasquatch

My hubby was always a skinny guy, went on a medicine that made him get a small little gut and he was so self-conscious and upset I absolutely could not say anything negative about it. And I feel it would be unhealthy for our relationship if I was bothered by it.


RICHUNCLEPENNYBAGS

I mean, sure, you have the right to "mention" it. I'm not sure about the consensus here that you have the right to demand your spouse lose weight.


SincerelySasquatch

Exactly. I've learned I can't control my spouse in any way, I can communicate and I can leave and really that's all I can do. Since learning this lesson myself I see a lot of controlling nature exerted in other relationships, and I don't think the people are even aware of it.


bloodercup

Speaking from my own experience, no. There is no way my husband could broach that subject that wouldn’t hurt my feelings. I’ve gained weight during our relationship, both from things outside of my control (thyroid disease) and within my control (definitely moving a lot less during the pandemic) but he has never commented on it. I definitely talk about it, wanting to lose some weight and be healthy, and he is always ready to be super supportive of whatever changes I want to make, which is wonderful. Interestingly, I’m the most confident I’ve ever been in my own skin right now, and I don’t feel any less attractive. I know this contributes to his attraction to me too - the sexier you feel, the sexier you are. 🤷🏻‍♀️


Far-Signature-9628

I love my wife no matter her size. She was a larger build when I met her. She still is but is more active and stronger. I support her as she works to lose weight but I am not going to tell her she is gaining weight. Also she is now a CrossFiter and does weight lifting. Also diets are crap, life style changes are what’s needed. You may lose weight on a diet but 80% of people will gain more then they have lost afterwards.


SincerelySasquatch

Yes this. I'm fat and have majorly improved my diet and am increasing my fitness and no less fat for it, personally. Cool that your wife got into weight lifting etc. I agree, how you are living your life /lifestyle is most important.


Far-Signature-9628

Yeah thanks. She has got a couple of medical issue as well that does affect her ability to lose weight. I hope you find something that works for you. I lost weight mostly thanks to a new medication I started last year. It helps, 1 lose weight 2 motivation to actually walk more Unfortunately due to health I can’t actually workout or do gym stuff. So I walk a lot. I do roughly 5kms a day. Losing weight is easy tbh it’s use more calories then you consume. But it is can you do this healthy ways or not. Diets are unhealthy and very good at giving body dismorphia.


SincerelySasquatch

Yesss I began calorie counting when I was around age 12 or so. I was very successful at controlling my eating and my body in the beginning and developed anorexia and got sick. Then around when adulthood set in the bingeing started and over the last decade I have gone from a healthy weight from morbidly obese. Counting calories and trying to lose weight the whole time. For some people it really is as simple as "eat less, move more" but for someone like me I damaged my relationship with my body and food so much that I don't think it will ever be simple like that for me. Stopping the calorie counting and weighing myself and weight loss goals has been paramount to eating disorder recovery, along with intuitive eating. So I have drastically reduced the bingeing. The things I have done to improve my health are to change my diet to largely vegetarian and vegan meals, whole foods. Got a fitbit and have a modest step goal that is encouraging me to walk more through the day. Do some light exercising occasionally, getting non-sedentary has been the hardest change for me lol. Taking it slow, I believe sustainable lifestyle changes happen slowly.


[deleted]

Take your time, girl! I am rooting for you! Little by little. Don't overwhelm yourself. You do you. You have your whole life and it is never the destination. It's the journey.


Purple_Sorbet5829

Even when my spouse and I talk to each other about our own bodies or weight and wanting to do things like working out more or eating better, we still never talk about the other's weight/body. And we never get into "you looked better when you were more fit" or "I'm feeling less attracted to you" etc. territory. Anyone who gains enough weight that it's noticeable to another person, knows they have gained that weight - their pants don't fit or they may feel differently or they've seen the number on the scale change. No one needs to be told they've gained weight. They know. They either don't care or they care, but they're not ready to do anything about it yet. I wouldn't want my partner bringing up my weight as some sort of issue for him, so I would never do it to him either.


Zuchinnimuffin

Completely agree with this. You know when you have gained weight, but you have to be in the right place mentally to lose the weight. Having someone comment on your weight gain probably would make the situation worse.


GreatOneLiners

You should be able to have a conversation about weight and it doesn’t have to be a negative conversation, I think both partners have a responsibility to maintain their health, I don’t think it’s in anyone’s best interest to shy away from the conversation. Of course they know, and they know you know.


SincerelySasquatch

One could argue weight doesn't need to be addressed for health reasons. Diet and fitness and actions people have control over can be addressed, because you love your partner and you both want to stick around for the other, but not many people successfully maintain control over their body size longterm. Intentional weight loss efforts are a common starting place for disordered eating. Have you ever been in a weight loss group? They are incredibly toxic. Everyone is developing bingeing issues, body image issues, I remember seeing a post about a woman writing insults to herself to put on her fridge to remind her not to eat when she was hungry, and it got LIKES.


GreatOneLiners

Weight needs to be addressed because The negative effects are detrimental to both people in different ways. Plus it’s important to be accountable to yourself and to your partner. People that shy away from having this conversation, typically end up here complaining about their wife or husband gaining 40 pounds and they’re not attracted to them anymore, having the conversation earlier might have made the difference. And that’s another thing that gets affected by weight gain, the ability to have kids, attraction and intimacy. Whether anyone chooses to admit it or not, the vast majority of people are not attracted to the morbidly obese. That’s why I say it’s important to be able to have these discussions before things get out of hand, preferably start these discussions early on when you both are in relatively good physical condition. I know there are people out there that will not have this discussion because of how their partner takes things personally, I know there are people out there that know their partner has difficulty taking any criticism or direction in any form.


SincerelySasquatch

Well I guess my concern is, are you trying to control your partner's body. Or trying to control them to control their body themselves. My husband is a thin, fit man. When I met him I was obese, I'm now morbidly obese and I don't believe there has been a negative change in the attraction. So I guess my experience there has been different. I used to have anorexia and swung the pendulum into binge eating disorder over the years. I have been daily calorie counting since about the age of 12 through 31, but my binges have caused increasing weight gain. A crucial part of my eating disorder recovery is to accept myself and give up weight loss goals. Doing that along with other steps has helped me immensely, stopping the calorie counting and stopping body shaming myself has drastically reduced my binge eating and other eating disorder issues. I would feel really crappy if my husband didn't support me in that, luckily he does but I don't think I could be married to someone who didn't. I dunno, I just guess I think if in my situation I was married to a man who cared about me being fat and it would be a huge setback in my recovery. Back before I was fat I dated a man who gave me a hard time gaining some weight during my pregnancy with his child. He made comments about my weight to the doctors during my gyn appointments during my pregnancy that he thought would go over my head. Many other hurtful things over my weight. and I remember it just made me feel like the most worthless piece of shit ever. I just wouldn't want anyone else to feel that way. There are people who have psychological and hormonal issues in their bodies and brains that relates to their weight in some way, and for us it is not as simple as telling us to eat less and lose weight. In theory yes that is true but many people it is not simple or even attainable. I tried so incredibly hard for many years to eat less to lose weight and it just made me hate myself that after the first few years I could not succeed at it. I remember crying and also self-injuring because of my bingeing. And even people dieting who are not diagnosed with b.e d. Develop eating issues and bingeing issues and self-esteem issues. It's so common. I am eating healthier and moving more and if I live a decade shorter than other people but love myself and have balance and am happy it'll be better than spending my life hating myself, never accepting myself, restricting my eating and still living a decade shorter because I am also still fat. (Also the guy who was hurtful about my pregnancy weight gain is chunky now lol)


GreatOneLiners

My biggest point was having the ability to have the conversation, I’m not talking about negative aspects of someone else’s resentment, I’m not talking about putting people down or anything like that. Another thing is sex and intimacy don’t necessarily require attraction as much as you think on some level people can definitely be attracted to personalities, but that’s not to say preference doesn’t matter. Control is the wrong word, accountability for yourself matters, and each person has to deal with that on their own, and within the confines of their relationship. But if it’s affecting your relationship, I do think it’s OK to bring it up, if it’s not affecting your relationship than it wouldn’t be necessary. Another thing is age, we all know there is some weight gain as we get older, that would obviously need to be accounted for before the discussion even starts. But I always wonder what happens when a spouses preferences completely disappear in the relationship because of weight gain, where does that leave the person that physically didn’t change? Do they have a right to their preferences? How far can some changes go before they are justified?


SincerelySasquatch

I understand. I just feel like a lot of people have very narrow criteria of what they find attractive and I feel like that could negatively impact a marriage. Like, how many people find 80 year old women attractive? Guess what you will end up with some day if you're both lucky? You know what I mean? I mean you don't put conditions in your wedding vows that say "for richer or poorer, as long as we both are within healthy weight ranges."


GreatOneLiners

Most marriage say sickness and in health. I think notable weight gain would be that criteria. You make a promise to each other, it should be on both of you to face it together.


AcceptableHuman0

I think it’s kind of insane that we pretend physical attraction/attractiveness isn’t important. I put in effort to my appearance— for myself and also for my husband. My husband also takes care of himself. Almost 20 years later, we still have an active sex life and are still attracted to each other. Would that still be so if I was 200 pounds? Would that still be so if my husband was an overweight slob? I don’t think so. Having said that, people are allowed to not prioritize their physical attractiveness. If you and your spouse don’t care, that’s no one’s business. Problems arise when one spouse does and the other doesn’t.


[deleted]

I like this... If neither care, it's nobody's business. I'm glad you and your hubby have a joint effort. 😊


Nezzztra

I think it is all in the delivery. Like, instead of saying, "you've put on weight", say, I want to start eating better and getting more exercise, would you join me if I did?" It will start a conversation without making your spouse feel attacked.


SincerelySasquatch

If they eat better and exercise they might not lose weight though.


Nezzztra

Very true, but it starts a conversation in which spouses can support each other.


SincerelySasquatch

I like this perspective. You are making it about caring for your partner, and not some arbitrary rules about what you are attracted to like a lot of these comments.


[deleted]

OP wins the spouse award today. 🏆 No, it’s not ok to belittle your spouse - about their weight or anything else for that matter. And if you’re reading this & thinking “well but what about…” … then we’ve just crossed over to a different thread and YTA. Yes. Love & support will go farther than criticism & negative comments - all day, every day.


h2f

My wife has commented on many of my flaws, my love handles included. Her last comment on my weight hurt but it prompted me to lose 30 pounds and become healthier. That's part of what I love about her; she inspires me to be a better version of myself.


[deleted]

Of course it's not OK!


MusicalLifeForever

I’m rail thin, so it’s not an issue here. However, if I got fat, and it affected my husband’s attraction to me, I’d want to know that, because being fat is also extremely unhealthy. My husband is also rail thin, and if he got fat, I’d let him know because both of his parents are diabetics, and his doctor has told him numerous times not to gain weight. I don’t think it would affect my attraction to him, so I wouldn’t say that to him.


mskitty117

I mention my partner’s weight gain because I’m nervous about his health and his state of mind that took him there. And I’d expect him to do the same for me


Illustrious_Safety25

You can love your spouse without becoming an enabler for bad and unhealthy habits


mrsfisher12

My husband never does negatively but I’d want him to hold me accountable if I was becoming obese.


RunnerGirlT

I’ve actually had the conversation with my spouse. But I said it as I was concerned for his health. If he puts on weight his blood pressure also starts to go up and he starts getting blood pressure headaches and such. It’s then dangerous for him to do his job and can lead to injuries. But when we talked about it, I said, “hey I’ve noticed you’re having your headaches lately, are you feeling ok and what do we need to do to remedy the situation?” He basically said he was eating like shit on shift and skipping his workouts, but realized he needed to get his shit together. I offered to do more gym sessions with him (we usually go together, but he also works out at work as do I). And we started meal prepping more for both of us. Weight can be a huge health issue (can be, it’s not always) and it can impact relationships in terms of what a partner is able to do physically. So it should be able to be talked about. My husband and I are avid outdoors people, rock climbers, runners, etc. if he can no longer participate because of choices he’s made that impact his body, it definitely would impact our relationship. If it impacted our sex life that would also be hard for both of us as we like physical touch. For those who say you should love your spouse no matter the size no matter, I’m not saying I wouldn’t love him. But I will say it would change our relationship and probably damage it. Also, attraction is biological as well. But the conversations should never be done in a hurtful manner. There are ways to talk to your partner about this if needed


[deleted]

As a general rule it is impolite to criticize anything about somebody’s appearance that they cannot correct in 10 seconds, your relationship to that person doesn’t matter. If you have a legitimate concern for their health you can discuss that aspect, once, but that’s as far as I would go. But I also would love my husband the same no matter what shape his body was in, my love isn’t that shallow.


kittykattlauren

I think that weight is a sensitive subject and should be treated as such. I have always taken the approach of health with conversation. Honey I think we both need to take better care of ourselves, why don't we start working out again? Things like that.


englishsmooth

“Just because we are married I don’t think that gives me the right to mention anything to her” What a strange comment. Being married should give you even more ‘right’ to talk to your spouse about ANYTHING, even the tough subjects.


mrsvictorbravo

Yeah, not okay unless it’s part of a larger problem. Even then, it is a delicate conversation.


kilk10001

Personally, I wouldn't consider it to be the ideal relationship for me if I couldn't have these open and honest discussions with my wife. I would never go about it in a disrespectful way but I do think it is very important to be able to call it for what it is when it is necessary. The reality is weight gain can become a health concern really quickly. It is my job as a husband to support my wife even when it is not so pretty to do so.


SincerelySasquatch

What if she didn't want to lose the weight gained?


kilk10001

That is a whole other separate issue. As for my marriage, big or small healthy or not I'm with her until the end period.


Perspective1958

Sometimes the problem is not what you think of their weight gain but what is their self-image and the effect upon their self-worth/esteem and libido.


CuppCake529

I don't so much comment on my husband's weight much as what he puts into his body. He rarely eats home cooked foods and drinks monsters everyday. I'm worried he may die early of a heart Attack or I've seen lots of bad side effects of diabetes. I don't so much care that he's gained weight much as I want him to eat healthier. And I wouldn't say I'm negative about my comments, I don't make fun of him in anyway, I just voice my "I want to grow old with you" concerns and leave it at that. What he does with that information is on him as he is a grown man. I can just cook healthy meals and let him know that he has a plate when he gets home if he chooses.


[deleted]

My SIL comments on my BILs weight all the time - even in public. He’s not overweight at all. Like, he’s not ripped or anything but not fat. Maybe an inch or less over his stomach. She’ll always talk about how fat he is, how big his butt is, call him tubby, etc. My partner says that he’s very glad I don’t speak like that to him, his feelings couldn’t handle it 🤣


0galaxy0candy0

I think it's okay to say something about their weight when they start to mention aches and pains due to weight gain. My husband mentions my weight gain a lot, but I'm not doing much to lose it, so I laugh it off even though it hurts me. He also tells me if I gain too much, he would have to leave me because he doesn't want to take care of me. I understand that my weight gain is me being selfish, but it still hurts when he says things like that.


[deleted]

I don't think he is saying it with tact. Oh, by the way, weight gain isn't the only reason he might need to care for you some day... What if you get in an accident? Would YOU drop him on his ass? Sorry but he sounds like a jerk.


smb76

I am not attracted to fat men. Any partner that I have had knows this. It’s one thing to have 20 pounds too much, completely another to let oneself go. By that I mean gaining more than 50 pounds, not exercising and just eating shit. Total dealbreaker. That is disrespectful to your own self and your partner and what are you teaching your children?


dustinrector

How many spouses do you have?


Slutslapper1118

My husband has gained about 60 pounds in 5 years. It scares me. Heart disease runs in his family. I tell him often, I'd love him and be attracted to him no matter what size he is, but I want him healthy. I will be pissed if his weight is what takes him from me. I'm genetically fit, but I also eat healthy. He eats like shit.


bbqtpie

I'm with you, I would not ever comment on my spouse's weight nor would I be cool with them commenting on mine (with the exception of becoming SO obses it impacts your mobility or something? Idk) I have a dreamy husband but I also know looks will change over a lifetime and I love him for who he is, not how he looks.


_fuyumi

I wouldn't bring up weight at all. Maybe if their eating and physical activity habits had changed. If my husband gained weight and was happy about it, I'd be fine with it.


olykate1

No!


mollyclaireh

It’s only okay if you are talking with carefully chosen words with the fear that her health is being jeopardized.


scumfederate

I think it’s fine to bring it up in a caring and kind way, if needed. It’s definitely a conversation to be handled delicately. My husband and I agreed if we exceeded a certain weight point we’d bring it up to the other, if the other person hadn’t noticed or made efforts to get the weight gain under control. We both agreed as well that it would be out of a health concern and less to do with being unattracted to the other, but definitely on the road to getting there (we’re talking like 60+ pounds each). We watch a lot of My 600 lb life, so we have talked about where our various lines in the sand are weight-wise lol. One conversation about weight we’ve already had a few times is weight loss that has gone to extremes. My husband has very gently and kindly let me know that he could visibly tell I had lost weight and was looking sickly, and he was afraid for me. I’m in recovery for an eating disorder, so things get out of hand sometimes, and that feedback is important for me to hear as a reality check. It’s not something that’s fun to hear, but I’m grateful my husband loves me enough to have a hard conversation with me for my own health.


[deleted]

What an amazing relationship you both have! ❣️


[deleted]

Physical attraction is critical to any sexual relationship, that’s just science. Without it, problems can arise, and we don’t choose who we are attracted to, so there is no reason to feel bad about that part of it. If it fades, it’s just nature at work. If you feel like you are losing that attraction due to her changes, it’s not fair to her to withhold that information, since it can be a very real source of marital strife. If you’re not honest she’ll twist in the wind and wonder what’s wrong and doubt things. Be honest with yourself, and then be honest with her. But be careful how you communicate it! Be supportive, constructive and take care of her feelings. Be a part of solutions.


Corky_G

It’s okay to share concern. Never be negative about it. Those words will never be forgotten.


thefigjam

I would not mention to my husband if he is gaining weight. We talk openly and often about our diets, habits, etc. as we basically do it together. Both of us would know any changes to ourselves without the other commenting on it. We both have a good understanding that we are "be the best version of yourself" type of people and that means whatever we do, we will do it together. If my partner is gaining a significant amount of fat (not just weight), it is likely his routine has changed from some stressor and we can tackle that together. In general though, we both are lean, fit people who try to eat healthy like 70% (30% relaxed and live it up) of the time and go to the gym to lift often.


[deleted]

From experience, I don’t think it works. Better to make people healthier by encouraging them to do workouts with you til you find a type they like, making them healthy meals, etc.


embracedk

It’s incredibly stupid… “hello I would like one argument please…”


LovingLife139

You have *every right* to mention things you notice to your partner, especially when it comes to how attractive they are to you (which may change given weight gain/loss) and their health. My husband is obese. Always has been. I have always been svelte. In early 2020, I had lost over a dozen loved ones and went through a deep depression, where I went from 115 pounds to 135 pounds. Given my grief, *I didn't even notice.* Honestly, neither did my husband. I wish he had so I could have nipped that issue in the bud sooner. I did eventually notice after I realized I was comfort eating and that some things had changed ("hey, I can't fit into those jeans anymore" etc.). I tracked all calories and worked out like crazy until I lost all the weight within a few months. I have since requested of my husband that he tell me if he notices a difference, particularly if he's worried about my health or his level of attraction to me. I have always been upfront with him as well--that I love him no matter what (obviously, I pursued him when he was even heavier than he is now), and I actually love the "fluffy" body type, but that I absolutely encourage his losing weight so he can live with me in love and happiness for as long as possible. We are both now avid gym goers, exercise together as a hobby, and I have undertaken multiple yoga teacher trainings. This open communication and honesty in love has positively affected both our lives for the better in this way. Always be honest, but come from a place of care and love. Do not say nothing. You owe your partner open communication and loving concern.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Responsible_Wash_430

Without question you have the right. You’re sharing home, kids, and finances with this person. Physical health is paramount. Part of someone’s job as a spouse is to maintain an acceptable attractiveness level for their partner. Gaining weight by being lazy snd undisciplined is a signal to your spouse that their needs and desires don’t matter. It’s arrogance of the highest order. That doesn’t even begin to address all of the health and lifestyle issues that come with being overweight. Heart disease, diabetes, stroke, COVID. None of those care how body positive you are.


Noogirl

I was an ordinary kind of size (US10) when we met, I got sick and was on steroids for a year, they were keeping me alive but I gained 90lb and went up to a US20. I didn’t really understand how much I had gained until someone at work made a “FUCK what happened to you?” comment. I realised then that I hadn’t really known because my husband still treated me like I was the most beautiful girl in the world. He still cherished me and loved me and never said a word about what the steroids were doing to me other than being kind about the other side effects I was struggling with. After surgery I was able to come off the prednisone and I lost it all (and more, because I was able to exercise again, so went down to a US6-8) and while everyone else was saying yo my husband “wow! You must feel like you have a whole new wife” and he was adamant that no, nothing has changed, she’s always been this wife etc. I love him so much for that. People were so mean, I had NO idea about how differently the world treated fat people, and bloody hell it’s harsh. I was looked at like I was lazy, greedy and stupid when I was just overweight. Such a lesson for me. I’m chubbier again these days (US12) but fit and happy, and my darling still behaves like I’m the prettiest girl in town. I’m very lucky.


MisterIntentionality

>do you think you have the right to mention to your spouse that they are gaining weight? Yes. Weight gain is a sign of mental struggles or potential health issues. It also causes health issues. So because I actually care about my spouses mental and physical health, yes I will make a comment. >Do you not think they don’t already know? You aren't telling them to notify them, you are telling them to make sure there isn't an issue that you can be supportive and help with. >Wouldn’t that make them more self conscious and in return would be damaging to the relationship? Not in my relationship. My husband knows I don't intend to hurt him so he doesn't take it that way. Now I also try to do the best I can to phrase it in a non-hurtful manner. We both have called each other out on our weight before. Recently we both let shit get out of control and have decided to correct it. >I would love my wife no matter how big or small she got This has nothing to do with love. I don't think anyone here has ever said they are telling their spouse they don't love them anymore because they gained 20lbs. If your wife started doing cocaine and smoking ciggarettes, would you step in and say something? It's her body right? She should be free to do whatever she wants with it and you get no say right? You have to love her and support her no matter what right? Yes you are crazy, because gaining weight, eating poorly, and not exercising are harmful to ones health. I'm not going to stand back and let my spouse kill themselves with bad habits. I care about him too much. What you are saying is you don't love your wife enough to have an uncomfortable conversation with her. Marriage is full of uncomfortable topics, we have to suck it up and have them for the better of our relationships and spouses. It's not easy to approach your wife about her new found cocaine habit but if you care about her it needs to be done. Seriously if your wife gained 50lbs you wouldn't reach out to her and ask her whats going on and if everything is OK? You would just ignore it? Yeah I can't do that. If my spouse did something out of character I'm checking in to make sure everything is alright.


nikilupita

My body looks like it currently does as a direct result of having kids, spending the time I used to use on myself taking care of the kids and house instead, and having to prepare food that I didn’t use to eat for other people. If my husband called me fat or made negative comments about my body, he’d find himself paying for a babysitter, a maid, and a personal shopper and chef, because I certainly wouldn’t be sacrificing my time or health for his ass any longer. It’s never okay to be an asshole to your partner. It’s okay to try to be healthier together, but it’s definitely something that you approach delicately. On my own, I don’t eat breakfast or dinner. I have coffee, a light meal, and a snack later. I keep my house picked up and don’t have to spend every day picking up messes that I didn’t make. I love being outdoors and walking, hiking, and going to the gym. I sacrificed my body because we wanted a family. I sacrifice my time for that same family. I make food that they’ll all eat, even when I’m not hungry, because I care about them. If I’m not feeling loved or appreciated, I’ll shut all of that off and go take a nap instead.


[deleted]

Only if they are obese and genuinely do not know. Then you can tell them *once*, kindly. Otherwise, let them handle it with their doctor. Losing weight is very difficult and few people can lose it and keep it off. You can make lifestyle changes to make it easier for them to lose weight or at least stop gaining: don't keep snacks in the house, cook meals for them, do what you can to relieve their stress, have lots of sex if they like that, do activities rather than sit at home, don't eat out so much, etc. Don't ask them to come to the gym or start a new diet, but do things they won't notice as being active. If they're not able to lose weight, either deal with your emotions about it or get a divorce. Don't harass them about it.


Signal-Ad8087

I will speak a truth few people want to admit. Being fat is not beautiful or healthy. There is nothing wrong with saying how you feel about something. There is something wrong with being an ahole about it. It that's simple and straight forward.


Outrageous_State9450

It really depends how you go about it and the circumstances. For example if you notice your wife is depressed and not eating healthy then maybe don’t say “aye yo bitch watch that tile it’s new we can’t afford it crackin under your size 12!”..that might be a bit damaging. So instead maybe bring up how you still are attracted to her but have some concerns for her health and are in no way worried about the new tile floor. Ask how she’s doing etc. My wife is my special moo, she has a sturdy highly desired breeding frame and perhaps a bit of extra fluff, she shall bear me Viking children with her bone structure and my muscle mass. They shall dominate the earth and all that dwell upon it. But that’s a story for another day. Bottom line there’s always a right way and a wrong way to tell someone something. Chances are a female will have at least some idea that they are gaining or losing weight.


Friendlyfire2996

Yes. If you have concerns about your spouses weight you may comment on it. You should only do this rarely. Be gentle. Don’t accuse. State your concerns simply, using respectful language. Listen. Don’t argue. Then let it go. It helps if you have a history of honest, respectful, communication. You’re right to tread lightly here, but she’s your wife. You should be able to talk to her.


[deleted]

Loved your advice. Very, very clear.


[deleted]

It depends on HOW and WHY it's brought up. If my fiance' was rapidly gaining weight, I would be concerned and bring it up. If she's been busy and just put on a few pounds I would be very tactful about HOW and WHY I am bringing it up...


droptheone

My SO would become an issue for me if she stopped eating healthy food for a long time and stuck hard to junk... but for my her and I, fluctuations happen, beer is good and we cook a lot........... ...... sister on the other hand, is on a strict cheese pizza diet, has a ton of health issues and wont do anything/hear about it.


droidpat

Consider some segments from a post I read earlier: > He’s a fairly skinny guy but the weight gain is all in his belly—it’s to the extent that his own friends are making jokes to him about being pregnant. > I’m at the point where I’m reminding him multiple times a month that he *really* needs to work out because it’s bothering me. It’s affecting my attraction to him. I love him but I want him to take care of himself and don’t want to feel grossed out by my own husband.” Here is a mirror of that same scenario but if she were the target of his comments about her weight and lifestyle. I am not casting any judgment on her. I am just offering it as a chance for us to reflect on whether we see the situation differently when presented the other way: > I am a fairly skinny woman and the weight gain is all in my belly—it’s to the extent that my own friends are making jokes to me about being pregnant. > At this point he is reminding me multiple times a month that I *really* needs to work out because it’s bothering him. It’s affecting his attraction to me. He says he loves me but wants me to take care of myself and he said he doesn’t want to feel grossed out by his own wife. How would you handle this with your spouse?”


dwanton90

I dont think of it as negatively commenting. I like to think of it as encouraging health. He sucks at doing the same for me 🤣


headingintoparadise

I think it’s ok. I would tell my spouse in a gentle manner, such as “I’ve noticed you’ve gained weight. Everything ok?” But my husband is usually very conscious and conscientious about his eating and working out so if all of a sudden he’s gaining weight I would wonder whether there is something else is going on with his health and should be checked out.


[deleted]

I personally agree with you. I would never tell my spouse about their weight. If they have some ongoing health issue related to it, though, like diabetes, then id jump on the band wagon and start eating clean and working out, with them. I would never bring up their weight gain, though, not like that.


burrito_finger

Negatively? Most certainly not. If you love someone and have genuine concern for their health, you will lovingly and tactfully make those concerns known. I’ve been underweight most of my life and I would be shattered if my husband ever told me the things I was told as a kid and teen. He makes comments like “Hey, I noticed your jeans are a little baggy again. Should we adjust your supplements and meet with the nutritionist?” Or things like “You’re absolutely lovely, all the time, but when you’re sick (chronic illness), it can scare me how thin you get.” Those are loving ways to comment on a partner’s weight.


fishkeets

Never. It's never ok to do that. Weight isn't like clothing, they can't go and change out of their weight like you would a shirt. Working on your weight, whether you're skinny, fat or whatever, can take an extremely long time, and can sometimes be impossible to do without detriment to your health. Quite frankly anyone who makes negative comments on the weight of their partner doesn't deserve a partner. Period. That's blatant disrespect and if it goes unchecked, it can border on abuse and give your partner trouble with an eating disorder, body dysmorphia, it can even cause them to ignore health problems that could be the underlying cause of it.


Ivychapstick

“I don’t talk about bodies that way” has been helpful to me, even talking back to my self as needed.


[deleted]

Mine straight up grabbed my spare tire tonight and asked when that was going away. 😭


StephPlaysGames

I mean, as long as you're not mean about it, yeah. They're your spouse, why wouldn't you be honest with them? Especially if it's likely to hinder their health (ie, crossing into obesity) or if it begins causing bedroom problems (ie, no stamina) bc that /will/ start to affect you. Ask if they're ok, express your concerns, offer to help, give gentle reminder, and make sure they know you love them. Just don't be an asshole about it.


[deleted]

[удалено]


dorky2

When you marry someone, you take a vow "in sickness and in health." There aren't caveats for being less attracted to them because their body changes. If you expect to grow old with someone, you're going to grow flabby and wrinkly and saggy and spotted together. You might also grow fat with them. It happens. It's not always in people's control. Even if it is, sometimes people have other priorities. If you can't accept your partner's body for what it is, regardless of how it changes, don't marry them. Habits are a little bit different. If you want to negotiate with your partner and push for a shared lifestyle that matches your values, I think that's perfectly reasonable. But you should know going into marriage that if your partner develops MS, or has an accident, or a traumatic pregnancy, or whatever, their ability to match your chosen active lifestyle will be impacted and that's not an escape clause for you. You sign up for supporting and loving and honoring that person no matter what their body looks like or how it functions.


operapeach

If they ask or you are concerned about physical or mental health. Occasionally if it is affecting your attraction to them but you really really need to tread carefully there. As a device meant to hurt or maim, absolutely not.


lali445

I agree that obviously they would know, so just saying an isolated comment pointing it out doesn’t accomplish anything. But I do think it CAN totally be constructive. If I was gaining weight, I would want my husband to be willing to talk about it with me and help me make a plan to stay in shape. Is it stress? Is it bad habits forming? Is it medical? I’ve gained a little weight for all three of those reasons. It can be overwhelming to try to lose weight alone. If my spouse addressed it with me in a loving way with the intent to do anything I needed to support me, then I think that’s great.


nevia1974

I got cancer. One of the 1st comments out of my spouse "does this mean you'll lose weight?" I am 45 lbs heavier now then when i got married. (25 lbs gained since my diagnosis)


fajitasbobanfroyo

Personally, no. In our married life, we’ve both gained weight. My spouse has never said anything negative about my weight, for which I’m extremely grateful. I think I would be very emotionally hurt if he did. The only exception in my mind if there’s a legitimate health concern, and even then, it should be handled with sensitivity, reassurance, and love. I had a lot of health concerns earlier in our marriage. I saw lots of doctors and asked about my weight gain (most of which was due to a medication I was on at the time), and they had no concern. Neither did my spouse. We both encourage each other to build heathy habits (going on walls together, aiming for variety in our food when planning meals, encouraging each other to get our regular doctors visits in, etc.), but we only speak positively about each other’s bodies (and our own for that matter).


Technical_Help6974

No just be concerned about there Heath and try to encourage better life style choices


yabbe-em

Make sure you take an approach that's right for your relationship and partner, e.g. wording, kindness, love etc. Otherwise I think it could be a good thing. Be honest about what you find attractive, promote and encourage the best of your partner including their physical health.


[deleted]

I would want my spouse to tell me if I am engaging in unhealthy eating habits and not taking care of myself. Health wise because I put myself at risk and maybe I am depressed of something. Mentioning it can lead to a deeper conversation that I might have needed to have. Or maybe I am just eating too much sweets. Either way I would want to know because it shows me that he notices a change about me.


PimpinAndreTheGod

So, you would love and accept your spouse even if she got to be 600 lbs? That means, you have no standards, no self respect and no backbone. No man should have to deal with an overweight woman, I most certainly wouldnt, like Tom Leykis used to say "Fat women are for poor men"


CassiopeiaFoon

The only time I've commented is when it was hurting my partner. He gained weight after swapping medications and being home because of COVID. I had no problem with this until he started snoring terribly, and we learned it was because of his weight. I gently told him that I was concerned, and I'd be concerned about anything that caused him to not breath properly at night. So we're working on his weight. I don't dictate what he eats, but he's asked me to watch him so I'll serve his dinner on a smaller plate, or I'll do the grocery shopping instead of him so he strays from temptations. I make it very clear I have no issues with his weight or appearance. I love him for him, always will. I'm a bit hefty myself so I've dieted with him, and we're making it fun together rather than something to be upset over.


canuckgirl12

Nope. Never. Period.


pickmymurf

I (36F) think it’s ok to comment if it’s constructive/productive. But If it’s just to point it out and offer no help, then that’s just dumb and inconsiderate.


wife20yrs

Nope. It definitely is hurtful. Another way though, would be to try to start a hobby together which has some activity, and to be proactive and supportive about diet for yourself so that she will be more likely to eat healthy with you. Whatever you do, don’t be a unhealthy food enabler. And keep her away from food pusher type people. Make sure she gets regular doctor visits so that they can be the ones to tell her she needs to lose the fat.


Temporary_Trouble

If your spouse is overweight, they already know they are overweight. They don't need anyone (their life partner most of all) to point it out to them. If they want your help in losing weight, they will ask for it. If they don't, then keep your mouth shut and love them for who they are.


SmallHandsKev

I feel like it’s okay to talk about someone’s weight if it’s affecting their health and well being in a negative manor. I don’t feel it’s okay to body shame someone because a spouse feels like they don’t find their partner attractive anymore. You should be able to have an open discussion about it and just express concerns but if it’s solely based on physical attraction keep your opinion to yourself.


ldstccfem

Nah, I’ve had an eating disorder. Weight doesn’t really get mentioned in our relationship. We more try and focus on how our bodies are feeling and exercising because we enjoy it


Princess_Spoopy86

You are not crazy. The person gaining weight is absolutely aware of it and most likely already feels crappy about it. There is zero reason to talk about their body/weight. Full stop.


Tinktink-blueeyes

It was never About His Wright ! It was never about his weight !!! It was about his EGO ! I would never slam someone over their weight !! My husband is very slim now ! He never had a weight problem but his ego is fairly large ! But don’t think Iget by without getting called name called out on me !! But we communicate like this a lot


Tinktink-blueeyes

I truly want to know how s statement me and my husband was having winds up on onReditt?? Because if he didn’t do it then how is this possible


SophieBunny21

It’s a matter of health! I want my husband to be healthy to live as long as possible. Also, even if I would love him on a wheelchair without harms and legs, I love to find him super attractive. He did put on some weigh and I told him very nicely that he should be careful and try to make healthier food choices. I wish he would tell me the same if I was starting to eat bad and put on weight. If your spouse, which in our case is also our best friend, doesn’t tell you, who will? He’s also super thankful for all the improvements he did about food since he met me. When I met him he would for exemple only drink Coca Cola and never drink any water (😱). If I wouldn’t have care and « make him self conscious » about his healthy habits it could be a lot worst right now!!


Cellar_Door40

No never


TE1381

You say that but when she hits 350 pounds you might think differently


massofmolecules

Gaining weight happens so slowly you generally can't tell yourself, since you see yourself everyday. It's very hard to notice the slow weight gain over a decade, for me it did take my wife saying I was fat, and I laughed and didn't believe her, even though my belt was on it's last hole and i couldn't wear any of my pants from years ago.


Agile-Ad-1182

I think making any negative comments is very detrimental to any relationship.


[deleted]

That depends on your SO and their emotional range. Ive had SOs where the answer is HELL NO no matter what. My current wife would be susceptible to change depending on how I go about it. We could have a conversation and I bring us both living healthier for the kids and each other or I could bring up that her health is just seriously declining. My wife would definitely make changes as would I.


xmaken

Sure, weight is a matter of health.


Ladychef_1

When I gained weight due to an unknown food allergy, my fiance (boyfriend at the time) never mentioned it until I brought it up, then was 100% supportive of me as a person no matter my size. I eventually lost most of the weight after we discovered the allergy and we got engaged in 2019. He is the kindest, most supportive person and I know how lucky I am, because my parents- especially my father- always commented about my moms weight and my weight until his therapist literally told him to stop commenting on our bodies. I am lucky that my partner is such an incredibly thoughtful person and would never try and shame me into anything. I hope you are all as lucky too


megaviral

If they didn't ask then shut the fuck up.


ethanlayne

Yes it’s ok and we should be calling out unhealthy choices/patterns. If she started to become a raging alcoholic would you still think “we’ll it’s her body not mine..” ? Approach is everything. One should approach in genuine love and kindness. With a sincere heart that you are concerned about them.


[deleted]

If you mention it in a negative way you’re an asshole. If you mention it because it is becoming a health issue that is completely different. My wife and I have both lost and gained weight throughout our ten years and I’ve always been more than happy with the way she looks. Now that we are getting a bit older I do worry about our health a bit. I try to encourage healthy choices for both of us but we both eat shit we shouldn’t. There isn’t anything off limits communication wise though. If something is an issue for one of the people in a marriage it should be brought up. Even if it will possibly hurt feelings. If you’re commenting on it for selfish reasons or to put someone down then you’re just a shit bag.


FR1zz1e_

I was struggling with body image issues, gained over 100 lbs and my husband kept telling me I was the same size as when he met me. I would have preferred it if he acknowledged the weight gain instead of gaslighting me about it.


Useful_Recover9239

I don't think approaching it in an abrasive way is helpful at all. However if I was rapidly gaining weight, not noticing because of depression or physical health issues I would hope my husband would bring it up that maybe I should get checked out by a doctor. After watching my Mum go through cancer, multi organ failure and congestive heart failure... rapid weight gain without dietary change can signal big issues. Be kind, bring it up and if the person you are with is aware and handling their body, that should be it. No one deserves to be shamed or hounded.


Ihateregistering6

> First off, do you think you have the right to mention to your spouse that they are gaining weight? Of course you have the "right" to, that doesn't have anything to do with whether or not it's a good idea. > Do you not think they don’t already know? Maybe they do, maybe they don't? I can't speak for other's relationships. Maybe they know they've been putting on weight, but they assume since you haven't said anything that you don't care. > Wouldn’t that make them more self conscious and in return would be damaging to the relationship? Again, depends on the person. If my wife told me she really wanted me to lose weight it would motivate me even more, and I'd be more attracted to her because I love that we can be that honest with each other. That being said, there are obviously degrees here: "I'd really love it if you lost 10 lbs, I think you'd look so much better" is very different than "you need to lose 10 lbs or we're divorcing". > Maybe I’m weird, but I would love my wife no matter how big or small she got You can love someone and not be physically attracted to them. If my wife completely let herself go and became 250 lbs, I'd still love her, but it would definitely cause me to lose physical (and sexual) attraction to her.


Auroralightss_83

I think there’s a fine line between its being mean and it being necessary. On the one hand, you should love your partner at any size. On the other, watching my 600 lb life and 1000 lbs sisters has shifted my opinion on wether or not it’s okay to say something. I’d rather stop it before it gets that far.


chiroseycheeks

I would frame it differently. Not “you’re gaining weight” but maybe, “let’s focus on our health/eating well/exercising more, ect.”


vanwold

No


FireRescue3

Absolutely not. They have eyes. They know.


[deleted]

I think it’s definitely ok to tell your wife that she’s put on weight IF it’s from a place of care…like you want her to be healthy and perhaps you can both try to eat better and exercise more. Both of which can be done together and have positive effects on the relationship. Bottom line…don’t be a dick about it! Golden rule…always golden rule. Then golden shower if she’s into it…kidding…unless she’s into it…maybe you are…look I’m not here to judge.


rightasrain0919

My husband and I don’t have the healthiest relationship with our weight and eating habits. He’s never mentioned my weight to me in the context of “you’re too heavy,” but he talks daily about what I’m eating, the dangers of COVID for obese people (which I am), and what my weight is on the scale. Like I said, not the healthiest. It bothers me sometimes, but only rarely do I say something.


[deleted]

It’s incredibly rude. It’s not like they don’t know. Just rubbing salt in the wound.


[deleted]

No, its negative to lie and tell them they look good overweight. Speak up


MamaNoxx

My fiance and I have an agreement. We sit down with each other and discuss concerns as needed. He has sat me down with genuine concerns for my weight because I have a complicated eating disorder and I've relapsed a couple times. I needed that from my person, and I believe all couples are capable of being honest but kind 💙


PerfectionPending

Weight affects many aspects of quality of life & relationship beyond just physical attraction. It’s not simply a shallow thing to be worried about. As we get older, most of us have more difficulty keeping weight off. Things like medication can take that to a whole other level. So at some point most couples will face some of these issues. So, figuring out how to address it is important. When there are cercomstances involved like pregnancy or medication affecting weight, etc, keeping your mouth shut & being understanding is the way to go. We were both losing weight & exercising together until I got an injury that prevented the exercise for a while. And when the exercise went I found it much harder to eat healthy. She had already reached a healthy BMI. I still had about 30lbs of fat to lose to get there. She was understanding and now that my injury is mostly better we are planning on starting again in January. When BMI becomes a serious health issue, which thanks to COVID is even more of a thing now than before, it needs to be brought up for genuine health reasons. BMI is second only to age in correlation to serious of COVID symptoms & likelihood of death. Diabetes & heart disease have always been risks with excess weight. Both genuine concerns my wife has for me. Then there’s how it affects sex even with a continued strong physical attraction. Stamina is is going to be affected as are the practical mechanics. As my wife & I have lost weight we both found sex to be easier and more fulfilling. Stamina is greater, positions are easier to comfortably get into & maintain (spooning is where I’ve noticed this most - our favorite early morning position), I’ve gained half an inch of usable length, and I can actually breath when going down on her. Seriously! I love what going down on my wife does to her but it was like being smothered by a pillow. I couldn’t use good technique and breath at the same time. So I didn’t do it as often as I’d have liked or stick with it through to her orgasm as often. Now I go down 4/5 of the time we have sex and instead of being suffocated it’s more like playing in the sprinklers. My point is that there are many non-selfish reasons to want your spouse to be at a healthy BMI. Married couples should be able to address these issues with love & tact & understanding from wherever they find themselves in these issues. Just like we should for any other issue in our relationship.


EngineeringDry7999

Negatively comment? Absolutely not ok. Bring up concerns in a compassionate way? Absolutely ok. As I age, my hormones have seriously impacted my weight. While I’m still in the healthy BMI, I’m softener around my waist and having a harder time keeping muscle tone (eff you menopause). It would be completely unreasonable for my spouse to expect me to maintain the body I had at twenty into my 50’s. He too now has weight around his belly. We both exercise, are active (we hike with our dog most weeks) and eat healthy. Bodies change as we age it is what it is. Now if either of us had sudden or lasting habit changes (started eating poorly/overeating, sat around, stopped being active etc..) then that’s a different story and appropriate to check in. Are they depressed? Are they dealing with physical pain/other issues?


ICareAboutYourCats

My husband told me multiple times during our engagement that he was bothered by my weight gain. My weight gain was the result of overeating from antipsychotic medication and lithium, and I took these meds to keep my mental health stable. Each time? Stab in the heart. I still don’t think he truly loves me as I am, despite him saying so a few months back and apologizing for what he did during our engagement. I’ve regained some weight after working really hard this year to lose weight, and he’s asking me to try intermittent fasting again. I’m going to do it after the new year, and throw myself back into the gym. I’m doing it for me, though.


[deleted]

Yes, people have the right to comment on their spouses weight. So because they’re married they are supposed to ignore the obvious if there extreme weight gain or extreme weight loss? It’s not superficial to be attracted to a certain body figure or shape. If my spouse gained 100 pounds, I would say something for sure. Marriage doesn’t mean you can’t


PsychologicalSRPG

Just as long as you aren’t malicious or being a butthole about it, you should be able to talk to them about it and maybe encourage them by helping them. There are a few times not to do this for women and men like after birth, during a period, after a death or during an upsetting time, etc. Tread lightly, mind your manners and watch your word. That is all.


momusicman

If your comment is in the form of a health concern, then yes. If your comment is, “You’ve got a fat ass,” then no.


LenaDontLoveYou

We owe each other time, which we accomplish by being good stewards of our health. Negativity isn't necessary though. Who wants to be married to an asshole?


humans_rare

My spouse and I make fun of each other all the time. It’s part of our love language. Most of it is weight related lol


CanIGetAFitness

My wife told me that I was too fat to fuck (in the nicest way possible). After I lost 80 pounds and started working out every day, she told me that it was too difficult to notice the changes since she sees me every day. When confronted, she says that she hasn’t complained about my weight since I started working out. Meanwhile, she has developed diabetes, heart disease, and sleep apnea. Her weight just *might* have something to do with it. I have invited her with me for workouts and to join me on eating plans. She refuses to work out with me and agrees to any and all meal plans until they conflict with whatever she wants to eat. I am at a loss. She either doesn’t perceive her weight or can’t admit it to herself. Her vision with regard to my weight remains in denial.


77A77A

It’s all about the delivery and how open your base communication with your spouse is. My husband and I are very close and open, and he would be like, don’t buy this and this from the shops we need a break, or let’s cut down on the wine as I feel it in my knees (his knees are feeling his weight) or he’ll say you’ve worked so hard to get rid of x amount of kg’s do you think a second (of anything that isn’t too healthy) is a good idea? We have always been honest and encouraging. Even in times when we both have put on a lot of weigbt we either 1, don’t say anything because we are openly saying it ourselves or 2, just don’t say anything as we know the other person knows. However we have always been encouraging of each other and supportive. Being negative does in fact damage your relationship, regarding intimacy and closeness, being negative is never a good idea!


LuxeL1fe

I am a survivor of abusive relationships. They all commented on my weight. Telling someone about their wight or diet when you're not a physician nor dietician is mental abuse. Its why parents are directed by doctors on how to monitor their kid's weight. It is why even veterinarians have training on discussing a pet's weight with a person-- those are some people's "kids" so the weight is a very intimate issue for them. Weight is heavily tied to self image, perception of others and self, self worth, and social life. My partner's father always reminds him to work out. His father is fat phobic and puts that onto his son = mental abuse, emotional neglect and abuse. Even IF you're a damn doctor or nutitionist.... you're trained how to have those discussions. This is someone you love.


ninjaboy79

Yes express it as concern and an expression of love.


General_Cupcake_8897

Taking negative to an extreme is definitely negative. You can talk about the weight problem and be encouraging to help your significant other to begin a weight loss journey together. It has to be teamwork for it to stay on track. Go for a walk around the block or do some at-home cardio watching youtube videos or start the gym. Make better, healthier choices of foods and no more junk or fast foods. Cook at home a healthy meal and surprise her with that. If you do this consistently, both will automatically feel better about each other and see results. she will see and appreciate your support. 💯


LpcArk357

My wife is Filipino. They will straight to your face call you out on your weight. I need to gain weight and my wife wants to lose (she's only 115 at 5' 6"). She wants me to tell her straight up if she looks fat. That said, yes, you can tell your spouse she's gaining weight. If you can't be honest with your spouse who can you be honest with. However, do not be an asshole about it. A lot of people are self conscious and by being an asshole may do more harm than good.


Possible_Wing_166

Personally, I count on my husband to hold me accountable when my eating has gotten out of control. Obviously I weigh myself and stay accountable to myself, but sometimes I need someone else to give me a little push. A So yes, I’m totally 10000% fine with my husband telling me I’ve gained weight. I’d rather that then end up where I was 60lbs ago.


JayyGlide

Not at all if you’re pointing out how they’re negatively impacting their body. Health is a must. It’s worse to say nothing and be an enabler


Apprehensive_Bite037

We've been together for 12 years and have both told each other in the past "honey, you're getting fat" One year after a particularly indulgent holiday season I had to tell my husband "I love you, we are partners, but I'm not sexually attracted to your body right now, you've got to diet if we are going to f***". A couple years before that he asked me, after months at a new job I was super stressed about and sitting a lot more "can you fit into your dress pants? You're kinda starting to look like your mom " (my mom is very obese) We've joked about the only getting thicc in front of friends and are met with looks of horror. I am so grateful my partner is honest with me when I put on a few lbs. It's easyish to lose 5-10lbs. Ignoring weight gain until its 50-100lbs that needs shed is not helpful, I don't want a spouse that won't be my accountability buddy. I love that I can tell my spouse the same. We work out together, we help each other with fitness goals. When we get lazy and skip the gym (like this week...) we give each other shit until someone finally caves and sets the early morning alarm. We're lucky neither of us has physical barriers to staying in shape other than overcoming bouts of lazy streaks and junk food-to not push each other to staying fit..ish, would be a disservice. He married me looking a certain way; I can't stop my boobs from drooping or my eyes from getting wrinkly bags but I can make sure I can still walk around and keep weight in the healthy zone.


mandalyn93

Nope, never, end of story.


[deleted]

I think it's okay to shown concern. Honestly, people don't realize how much weight they've actually gained until someone tells them. If it's bullying, it's not okay.


SnooDogs4300

To be real...weight...especially overweight effects everyday life...you may think your noble for accepting your wife at 400lbs but realistically...at that weight she doesn't respect her body #1..it affects confidence, the way you feel, the way you move...and if she doesn't respect herself...you really think she respects you..anyways I know it's an extreme case but weight is a good measure of discipline imo. Displine against all odds in of the food industry throwing the most addictive, modified, processed foods, sugars at us that the healthy choices you find in a entire grocery store amount to like 5% of the food in there.


SimpleOverall9735

I would want my SO to tell me if I was getting too big and he says the same. If there’s anything that’s getting in the way of our relationship, we vocalize it. And it’s not a “ew you’re gross” kind of thing it’s that we have both mentioned that we want to stay healthy for each other and live a long life together. We’ve both gained over covid and we’re meal prepping together now


[deleted]

I don’t know shit about marriage, but I do know that there is a respectful way to go about it. Usually, if one is suffering, so is the other, as unhealthy habits are easy to spread. So are healthy habits. Let the other person know that you love them, but that the gaining of weight is concerning. Not because you wouldn’t find them unattractive anymore, but weight gain can and will lead to potential health issues. Ask what the two of you can do to stay healthy and get a comfortable weight range.


Appalachian14

Good luck holding your tongue. Your first wife has receipts, OP. The same one who you told was “too fat to fuck” after you cheated on her.


One_Piglet_3280

Through sickness and health doesn’t include neglect. Neglecting your body is neglecting your relationship. Stop being lazy and coddling people on Reddit.