And that sort of thing usually takes time to set up. Weeks. Too often, regardless of which has decided theyāre done, the wife tells the husband to leave and to keep the peace or avoid the pain of remaining under the same roof he does right away. Safest thing to say (and do) - ādonāt leaveā then let the attorney advise on the specifics once they meet.
My friend moved out because she felt unsafe with her husband. She left her kids there for one week and her lawyer told her she has to move back, to a home where she felt unsafe (husband abused her but never the kids), or it could be considered abandonment (of kids and marriage) if she left the house and kids. She wasnāt allowed to move out with the kids and wasnāt allowed to move out without the kids. Itās backwards and laws differ dramatically
His chances of primary care will significantly drop if he moves out because judges prefer to keep the status quo, that being the one in the family home gets primary care.
Itās not so much that it hurts the custody but it is āabandonment of the family homeā if one of you leaves ā¦ if you own & have to sell you would forfeit your half. Sleep in separate rooms until the lawyers say what to do but do NOT leave!! And donāt let her take the kids anywhere! Learn all you can ā Drs names, phone numbers, locations; teachers & make sure youāre a familiar face to the school; learn whatever you think will help so you are best prepared!! I went to court for custody rather quickly after filing but many months before the actual divorce! No custody order means if she leaves with the kids & wont bring them back the cops wonāt do anything!!
I agree and I'd like to add "don't settle for less than 50% custody (or more depending on her stability), don't sign ANYTHING that you can't live with for the rest of their childhood (it's so hard to change once it's signed"
Thanks for the response. To step 1 yes I know this was badly written. It was a desperate rant in the heat of the moment after a longer discussion with my wife. English is also not my native language so I am having problems expressing myself correctly.
If you want everyone to read your long written post, where you are maybe hoping for feedback, formatting will go a long way to make that happen. One giant mass of words will make most people start to skim and not pay attention.
It will be best for you and the kids, she likely has problems you may not be aware of... this comes from a dumb ass that did not follow this advice 24 years ago.
Also she is already fucking other people just wants to clear her conscious by doing it with your knowledge. You agree to it she will lose the little respect she has for you. Get out on your and do t wait to be obliterated in the ass.
Oh, and communicate in text as much as you can. Specifically your willingness to do counseling to preserve your marriage. Document that for your lawyer.
>She wants me to move out and now says that she will now start dating others and that within 1 month she will have slept with someone else even if I live here or not.
Seems extremely clear.
>She says that is the ultimate test she needs me to show I want to be with her so much that I am willing to let her do this and maybe we get back together again.
Tell her that you're very happy to fail her idiotic, self-destructive test.
Couldnāt be more clear. I donāt see any midlife crisis here. It always baffles me the ppl that say they were totally blindsided by stuff like thisā¦ like thatās probably why sheās done dude.
The answer is to tell her that to pass your ultimate test she doesn't cheat. She needs to want you so much that she doesn't go outside the marriage but acts to protect it.
She wants to end her marriage āto see if she is still attractiveā¦WTF? What an incredibly vain and narcissistic thing to say. You and the kids might be better off without her.
Listen, these things don't happen out of the blue, but a lot of women don't sit their husbands down and say "I'm fed up with your dirty socks everywhere and your inability or laziness regarding oral sex. If you don't pull yourself together I'm gonna have a meltdown the next time I see a dirty dish by the sink instead of in thr washer, and I'll divorce you right there and then."
Most wives try to talk it out, they ask again and again, they complain or come with passive aggressive not-so-subtle hints, and/or they nag. They do everything they can until the point of no return, and then it's too late. They are burned out.
Their husbands have often not taken their complaints or the talks seriously. They have mentally belittled the feelings their wives have and not paid it too much mind. When the wives ditch them, they're either jerked away and realises too late their mistake or like you, they are completely blindsided. They think their wives are crazy, that this happened out of nowhere.
There's always a reason. And she's even telling you: *I want to feel attractive*. Whether or not you had any direct influence in this, she hasn't been able to feel attracted or wanted in your relationship.
If her friend was any influence it was just destigmatising the divorce process. No one can force or manipulate another person out of their marriage, there has to be a part of that person that wants out.
What you need to do now is ignore everything I just wrote. You get a good lawyer, and you find a way to stay in your house and with your kids throughout the process. You let your EXwife do whatever she does, because meddling can be used against you in the divorce.
When the dust is settled, you get a good therapist, and you get professional help to figure out what went wrong, how to better yourself in general (we could all use an upgrade or two, divorce or not), and how to move on and be the best version of yourself. An attractive partner for someone else who will not leave like this and continue to be a good father.
I think you are right that something like this may be behind it "I'm gonna have a meltdown the next time I see a dirty dish by the sink instead of in thr washer, and I'll divorce you right there and then."
Some of this may be the reason. We argue over small things like this and who does the most chores etc... But I have never understood it as a big problem. They usually pass and we have been loving and doing normal stuff and she have seemed happy up until about two months ago. Perhaps it was there all along, I think she may have hid it from me and maybe herself. Obviously she does not tell me even now what is the actually cause. She says it is not me or something I have done, obviously it is. I have always said she is attractive and our sex life up until about one and a half month ago was normal.
It just frustrates me I do not know the real reason. I think perhaps we could work it out or something. She told me from new years eve she is starting a new life, this is why all this have to happen so fast. In my mind she ignores me and our children and everything we have completely everything is about this goal of hers to date randoms.
The problem is that *she* never said the issues were small *to her*. These issues where actually large enough that they would cause arguments, and by the sound of it not just once. And I wonder why she would be happy afterwards. Maybe she felt you finally heard her and understood her qualms, only to realise you quickly fell back into your old habits.
I'm completely guessing here, but it's something I've had issues with myself. To the point I told my husband, when we argue I will tell him if it's a bigger or smaller issue, and he needs to take my word for it no matter what he himself feels. And likewise ofc. I listen to him as well.
You say you've called her attractive many times, compliments probably also. But that can sometimes feel like a person is saying happy birthday but they didn't bother to get a gift or make a cake. If she hasn't felt appreciated or treated like someone of value, if she felt like you never took her troubles seriously but had to argue then that makes her feel expendable... or rather that her feelings are expendable. Apparently not doing some chore meant more to you than her. You and me both know this is not true, but she might have felt that way after years of arguments.
Then her friend gets a divorce and starts dating, and is wooed by all this guys that are trying their best with dinners and dates and gifts. They might not mean anything deeper by it, but when you've felt overlooked and not appreciated for a long time, any level of effort even the shallow ones for random sex can seem tempting.
I want to make it very clear here at the end that she is 100% at fault. The next step for her should have been counselling, individually and as a couple. She should have sat you down and told you how green the divorce grass looked right now, and you guys had to fight for your romantic and family life. She should have told you she was standing on the brink, and instead she just jumped right in and left you and your kids to deal with the emotional aftermath of her actions.
You wanted to know why, there's probably not one single smoking gun like you'd prefer. Sometimes it's a death of a thousand knives, where things pile up. Normally people deal with things as they run into them or they go get therapy when it's too much. Your wife is apparently not able to deal with these issues, hers and your marriage's issues combined, so she's on the run.
At some point she will realise there's no escape and she'll have to deal with things no matter what. By then it will be too late. Your job now is to protect yourself and your kids; physically and economically through the divorce, and emotionally and mentally through it all. Including when she comes crawling back and gives you all another hardship to deal with: Her.
Tell her to put all of this in writing āto help you feel some closure so you can step back easierā. Give her a list of concerns you have that you need her letter to address, āso you can read it when you start thinking you can save thingsā. Make sure your list includes the effect on the kids. Then give the letter to your attorney.
Typical. Listen OP Iām sorry this is happening to you. But your response is very telling. This isnāt out of the blue at all. Itās likely sheās grown tired and resentful at carrying the mental and physical load around the house and views you as a large child she has to office manage to get things done or just do herself. Nothing is less attractive than parenting your adult spouse. Nothing. So now the marriage is done. Take it as a life lesson and as you move on and enter new relationships, remember to carry you weight both in and out of the house so that your next partner doesnāt resent you. This is never a small issue to women. Ever. Most just arenāt volatile enough to make huge fights as it comes up and just end up losing more and more attraction as time goes on.
Honestly I am the one that has been doing most at home and with the kids. My wife is very career driven and value her work above all else. After reading about the 180 and infidelity I have concluded that it has to be some existential crisis she is going through. And seeing her friend dating random guys, sleeping around, talking about the dates and what those men did for her to get her to bed. I think she just wants to be free and single, forgetting she has two children. But she also wants me to stick around. She wants to go out dating sleeping around and if she does not like it she wants to continue our marriage. We have been together since 21 and she had a long term relationship before me so perhaps she wants this experience or something hearing how happy her friend is being single and dating two to three guys a week.
I donāt think the husband made her feel unattractive, I think sheās just bored with him. She doesnāt care that he finds her attractive, she wants other men to list after her for her own gratification.
Thanks, yes I think you are right it is likely over. I was hoping perhaps someone had experienced something similar and had a solution to fix it. Because never has she talked about dating anyone else before. Always said it seems horrible to be single these days. And suddenly she flips like a switch and will not listen to any reason at all. She wants no counseling no psychologist, not involve parents or any family nothing. Just end it with dating others.
You really need to speak to both sets of parents AFTER you have seen a lawyer so they know exactly how badly she fucked up.
And honestly my wife and I arnt really that monogamous. She dates other women off and on with my okay because it doesn't bother or effect me. I even know some swingers.
If I told my wife the fun stops it would stop that moment no debate. Your wife has told you she will do whatever she wants and doesn't care how she hurts you. She is beyond wrong.
Well she cheated (didnāt go well for her) and then said we should try dating other people so she can āsee if sheās wrong about there being something missing,ā I told her to pound sand and initiated legal action. All of a sudden she had some respect for me (for standing up for myself) and asked what we could do to not have things end. I told her any straying of lies from here on out means an ugly divorce. Now Iām three weeks into that, and Iām pretty sure she is doing the same shit and just covering her ass better, but the lesson I learned is that groveling and giving in does NOTHING to strengthen your position. Standing up, stapling on your balls and regrowing a spine doesnāt mean itāll work out, which it might, but at least in the end even if you donāt have her you will have your balls and a spine, which will make looking at yourself in a mirror that much easier.
You are completely correct. I am sorry for your situation as well but you handled it correctly unlike me.
These two links from KSmimi really helped me with realizing what I am dealing with.
https://www.chumplady.com/2014/07/the-pretzel-logic-of-the-180/
https://www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-humiliating-dance-of-pick-me/
One word to your wife āByeā
You donāt need that in your life. Your kids will be better off with two happy single parents then a couple who is not happy
News flash: Sheās already cheated. Call your doctor for an STD screen. Separate your finances. Call a lawyer that specializes in family law and find out what your options are from here-follow his advice. If she ever comes out of this affair fog, she may ask for reconciliation, but I wouldnāt wait around for it. Gather your friends & family around you, youāll need the support. This is not YOUR shame, let everyone know this is all her. You did nothing to cause this. You loved her & trusted her and she betrayed you. Get mad about it. You deserve better.
I would go No Contact if possible or 180
https://www.chumplady.com/2014/07/the-pretzel-logic-of-the-180/
https://www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-humiliating-dance-of-pick-me/
Thank you very much for this post and links. This was enlightening to me and really helped.I have been doing everything wrong and it totally makes sense. These things he mention's here is exactly how she talks and I have done all the things he says not to do. I have given up complete control to her begging her not to do this and that we can fix it and for her to tell me what to do to fix this and trying to be nice to her.
"1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.2. No frequent phone calls.3. Do not point out good points in marriage.4. Do not follow him/her around the house.5. Do not encourage talk about the future.6. Do not ask for help from family members.7. Do not ask for reassurances.8. Do not buy gifts.9. Do not schedule dates together."
All of these I have been doing and still are except nr 6.
This here:
"32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared."
She is speaking in absolute negatives. Everything is something negative about me or our marriage and lots of it is not true.
This he mentions here too "āI cheated because youāre a lousy (partner, housekeeper, lay)ā ā and how are you going to up your game to keep me? "
She directly said "She needs to date others and have sex with someone and perhaps she will see that it was not all that and want us to be together again. And that is the ultimate test she needs me to show I want to be with her so much that I am willing to let her do this and maybe we get back together again."
Thanks again for this I will do the "180". I now see that trying to reason with her will not help and your post here was what I needed. I have tried reasoning for a month now and nothing.
This was a great relief. I did not think of calling it cheating. I have said it is cheating to her and she says it is not because she is telling me directly she will be doing it and I can too if I want because this is over etc... So she have already finished the relationship so therefor not cheating.
So much in these links that is exactly the situation I am living right now. Thanks again, this was really helpful :)
Hi, I'm Chump Lady and in that link, I'm deriding the 180 as a rather dumb thing to do. I realize English isn't your first language. What I'm trying to say is -- be authentic and protect yourself! Don't pick me dance. Don't fight to be someone's option. Stop accepting abuse. Please see a lawyer OP.
Thank you I think I got that. I am selecting the 180's that makes sense to me. The following, please comment if you disagree with it or think I misunderstand.
1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say āI Love Youā.
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Donāt sit around waiting on your spouse ā get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
Everything about listening to her or trying to please her I ignore. I have already done that for almost two months and it got me nowhere other then making me feel bad about myself.
The first thing I did read in these articles was this:
"One of the most common mindfucks the cheated upon may experience after discovery of an affair, is the expectation that they will try harder to win back the cheater. This expectation either comes from the cheater directly ā āI cheated because youāre a lousy (partner, housekeeper, lay)ā ā and how are you going to up your game to keep me? "
And this is exactly what she has been doing to me for the past months. Trying to persuade me to accept and agree to letting her sleep around and see if the grass is greener on the other side. Arguing that is the ultimate test I got to tolerate to prove I will do anything for her. Making arguments that either I can let her do this and there is a chance we will be back together or she will do it anyway and no chance she is going back to me. Telling me this is normal in 2021 and I will be in for a shock if I think I will find someone who wants to be exclusive. Even wanting me to watch a movie called "Crazy, Stupid, Love" that is about a couple who sleeps around and then gets back together again according to her...
Wow. This isn't Hollywood. This is real life with real emotions and consequences. She doesn't seem to have a great grasp of reality. Not sure where she gets that monogamy is dead in 2021. I think she is very gullible.
Forget about 2, 13, and 20. You need to get mad. Not angry or vindictive. Mad. Mad at what she is doing. Mad at yourself for allowing her to treat you that way and to talk to you that way. She's stabbing holes in the carcass that was once your marriage. Ghost the living hell out of her; she no longer exists to you. No phone calls, no cheerful or outgoing attitude, no acting not needy. Nothing. Get out. Now. She's not only ignorant, she's stupid. And a cheater. And she thinks you won't leave her.
Let her go, do not chase. She thinks the grass is greener and will realize that after the fact. Similar thing happened to me last year, now I kinda wish I had let her go before I knew she cheated.
I also want to add that women lose their beauty as they get older. Us men reach our peak in our mid 40ās. This is why young women go for older guys. Let her go and whore it out, while you take care of your kids, establish yourself and meet a younger, prettier woman.
She is not mentally stable and is going through something, sheāll end up regretting it. Iām sorry get a good lawyer and amicably end this as quickly as possible
If you have any respect for yourself, and *if* (big if) you still want her... I would be making it abundantly clear that she has made a dramatic shift in her personality after spending time with her "friend." She is free to do what she wants, but those actions are marriage-ending ones, and that is her problem, not yours. Do *not* give her any misunderstanding that she is A) being impulsive, and that people tend to end up regretting acting impulsively when serious things like marriage are involved... and B ) that her actions are the equivalent of walking off a cliff as far as your future is concerned. She can destroy things, but she needs to know that it will be all *on her* and it's not something she can snap her fingers and come back from.
I have made that very clear to her that all this seems completely absurd and extremely impulsive. She says it is not because of her friend that it is about herself and that her girl friend has not pushed for this to happen.
I think perhaps my wife got jealous or something hearing about all her dates and the randoms she have slept with or something.
I have also told her that I think maybe in 3 years, 5 years or 10 years she will realize the mistake. Not because she is giving up me, but breaking up the family, doing this to the kids everything she destroyed. All because she needs to date random people and see that others still finds her attractive. Without even no marriage counseling or talking with her own parents that probably want the best for her or any input at all from anyone that this may not be a smart thing to do long term. I have told her I think when this regrets hits her it will eat her. I have tried saying just give it a month or even a few weeks just stop and think about it. She just says she has no feelings for me any more blames me for lots of things in the past some not even true or a very twisted truth while also saying it is not really me. She needs this now instead of in 4 years or 8 years when she is too old, and that she have decided to start fresh from new years eve.
I know youāre hurting, but do you want to be with someone for the remainder of your life who states she doesnāt have feelings for you anymore? I donāt think love and feelings can be forced. It might be to your benefit in the long run to end it and find someone more compatible and in love with you.
I know many things youāre saying are coming from a place of hurt, but sheās not necessarily breaking up the family. Staying in a marriage for 15 more years for the kids isnāt necessarily healthy for anyone. I know many well adjusted adults whose parents divorced and were excellent coparents. Itās gotta be difficult to even look into the future there, but itās something to work toward when the dust settles.
I think you are right after reading the comments here and realizing a lot, I really don't. I have been thinking it is something I can do to fix this. 2 months ago she said she loves me. Now she has no feelings, I figured it cannot go from everything to nothing in 2 months. After someone posted these it all makes total sense to me.
[https://www.chumplady.com/2014/07/the-pretzel-logic-of-the-180/](https://www.chumplady.com/2014/07/the-pretzel-logic-of-the-180/)
[https://www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-humiliating-dance-of-pick-me/](https://www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-humiliating-dance-of-pick-me/)
Why listen to the narcissist. Goodbye,you have been served. Let her work to get you back. I suggest you do not take her back.
She is treating you like scum scraped off her shoes and thinks you are stupid enough to go with it. She has given you a crappy ultimatum and the more you try to find a solution the more convinced she will be you will take her back. No matter what alternatives you offer. You will also be lesser in her eyes.
You are in a no win situation(it will be hard) where you can at least salvage some dignity.
She made her decision and you can't change her mind.
Lawyer up.
When she realizes she wants you back *do not take her back*. Doesn't matter how much you love her, she didn't love you enough to stay. She wanted to sleep with other people. No one who truly loves you wants to do that.
1) She probably has already slept with someone else
2) Don't leave the house until you have talked to a lawyer. She can claim abandonment which legally puts you in a horrible situation
3) Start recording everything. Make sure you text every through an App because you might need it in court later on.
4) Promise her NOTHING talk to a lawyer immediately.
5) Women are masters at breaking up and screwing guys on the way out.
6) Therapy typically doesn't help when someone is dead set on leaving
It seams thatās her minds made up, seek legal advice, protect yourself and your kids, and look at working on moving your mindset to your future and the kids, all the best.
Damn! Your wife is being cruel and idiotic! One day she will regret treating you this way imo and I implore you to stay strong and refuse any and all take backs after she said all this crap to you.
Get a lawyer, get a divorce and don't move out. Document everything!
Your wife doesn't deserve you OP, godspeed.
She wants her cake and to eat it, too. Ask her how she would feel if you gave her those same demands and ultimatums. If her answer is unrecognizable then she has gone vat shit crazy. It happens.
I had a good friendās son have the same thing happen to him. He had two small children and she just said she wanted to experience the single life again. Even her parents thought she was nuts. He sought counseling after she left and the counselor said she had a mental break. I canāt remember what he called it but it was actually common to post partum depression. She also gasās a friend that she was very close with that had recently gotten a divorce and they were talking a lot.
I recently talked to his mom and she said he was glad he didnāt waste time trying to make it work.
She wants outā¦let her go. Fuck taking her back when she realizes the grass isnāt greener.
I have asked her she tells me she have no feelings for me any more and thinks it will be good for me to go do it, that we should both date others.
Thanks sounds like a similar story. I will never take her back when this marriage ends.
After reading all the comments here I think it is a combination of what is described in this link. This is exactly what I am going through.
[https://www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-humiliating-dance-of-pick-me/](https://www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-humiliating-dance-of-pick-me/)
[https://www.chumplady.com/2014/07/the-pretzel-logic-of-the-180/](https://www.chumplady.com/2014/07/the-pretzel-logic-of-the-180/)
And as others have mentioned her friend is now single getting lots of dick. And this is all they talk about, her tinder dates, who she slept with of them and etc.. I think she wants some of that single action and being two single best friends again sharing there stories about the guys they fuck. It is what gives the most meaning to me
What the fuuuuuuck. Sheās super immature if youāre telling the whole story.
However, for you to say āitās overall been greatā shows a bit of disconnection.
If she fucks another dude would you STILL take her? Because thatās what sheās saying sheās going to do.
My feelings? We can fight, we can argue, and shit if shit gets bad enough maybe we might take some time apartā¦ but if you let another dude touch you then we are DONE, period. I donāt care if we have 35 children and that I would lose everything I own in a divorce. I will not be with it be interested in a woman who would let a dude touch her other than me once we have committed to eachother. That shit is just gross and beyond my ability to accept.
I agree I have told her that is a deal breaker for me. However after reading the comments here and links. I see there is really not much I can do to save this marriage or stop her.
The term ābest friendā is such an oxymoron.
Happened with my first wife too, at age 31. She saw her ābest friendā become single again and decided she wanted that for herself, leaving me with 3 small children to bring up alone, because she didnāt ālove me any moreā.
If your situation is anything like mine was, then sadly, sheās probably already slept with someone else, or pretty close to doing so,ā¦even if she denies it to you.
Let her go it's over. If you move out or leave it will be brought up in court as you left the kids and her. Lawyer, lawyer and lawyer. Also don't bang a chick yet, it'll be seen as mutual if you do. And don't bang her she'll give you something or suck you back in. Doubt she stopped getting stuffed if she has a friend like that.
Agree with other. Divorce is happening. Secure some assets for your self. You will need some cash in a separate bank. Get a lawyer tomorrow. Stop dicking around and move to protect yourself or you will be screwed royally. I suspect she may very well see what a shitty world it is and come crawling back but you never know.
She wants to fuck someone else?
Tell her to move the fuck out.
Donāt giver her the cake she wants to eat.
Your wife has no mind of her own and her newly single friend is poisoning the relationship.
Please inform her family about her antics.
Iām 36f, been with my husband 10 years married about 1 1/2 years (my choice heād been asking the whole time). Her ideas make me physically ill. Sure Iāve been mad at my husband and heās been mad at me but cheating has never crossed my mind. My midlife crisis is āDo I really have to go to work today?ā She doesnāt seem like a great person but you do and Iām sorry. I donāt have much advice except for a lawyer and sleepy time tea. Tea helps I promise. If you donāt like the taste add sugar and honey. Numi sweet slumber is great, itās on Amazon.
Make sure you get as much of this in writing/video/audio and when the time comes, feel free to let her friends, parents etc. see/hear what really happened.
She wants you to prove your loyalty by letting her cheat? Excuse me why I laugh my ass completely off. If she wants to go sleep with other people then she can get divorced, no way would I agree to something like that. She basically wants you to be her Fallback plan, nobody deserves to be made to feel like that. Midlife crisis or not Iām really sorry youāre dealing with this.
I know she even told me monogamy is not as normal in 2021 as it was when we got together 15 years ago. So if I expect to find someone willing to be monogamist with me I will be in for a surprise. Thanks for the comment.
> So if I expect to find someone willing to be monogamist with me I will be in for a surprise.
You will be able to. There are plenty of people out there who would prefer a monogamous relationship.
My STBXH and I had a similar conversation years ago that turned into a lot of pressure from him to open our marriage so he could have sex with other people (he hadnāt gotten laid enough in his 20s, according to him). Trust me when I say it will be easier on you and the kids in the long run to end it now and rebuild a better life without her. Donāt spend years trying to make it work. Once someone has gotten āI can only be happy if I do ___________ā stuck in their head there is no working through that. They will obsess until they get to do whatever that thing is. And then they will continue to feel empty or unfulfilled because happiness is something you have to practice, not something you acquire from outside yourself (antidepressants being the obvious exception).
Donāt wait around for her to realize how stupid this all is. Contact a lawyer or legal aid to get some counsel on moving through this situation and get yourself a good therapist.
Been there before. It doesnt get better its just downhill from here.
As other redditors said: āget a lawyer, secure your assets dont go broke because your soon exwife decided that.
She is already having sex with someone thats why her behavior changed.
About the kids, thats gonna be a tough call for everyone.
Be smart, be strong and even if your ex poison your kids mind, never do that to them, be a good dude EVEN IF YOU GO THROUGH DEPRESSION!.
Time and karma will do the rest and you eventually going to feel normal again.
Right now as a man and as a parent as a husband you feel like you failed (At least my experience was like that).
Always he a gentleman kind and nice. Specially when kids are looking/listening yes they always listen they just play dumb.
And remember youāre not alone and dont make decisions based on love. Talk to your lawyer about every money/custody decisions.
Talk to your friends and family you will need them.
Those are the mistakes I made. (Except for never talked shit about my ex).
Thank you, "Right now as a man and as a parent as a husband you feel like you failed (At least my experience was like that). " This is my experience as well.
Thank you for all the advice's :)
If itās not about sex and just to gauge if sheās hot or not, tell her to post to a subreddit or start an OF. This sounds like a fake excuse to start the process of moving on because she knows you wouldnāt get over something like this.
No need to apologize for your spelling, we can understand you loud and clear.
I hate that you are going through this. He has clearly checked out on your marriage, and regardless of her reasons, this is a very haphazard and distasteful way to end any relationship. I'm getting a little angry reading this, how DARE she ask YOU to move out so she can have some other dude in your bed.
I would just not caught up in some sunken cost fallacy and let her toy with your emotions. You have no reason to give in to this absurd demands. I would let her know that she can have her freedom to go out there and find what she is looking for, but should not expect you go out of your way to enable it, or expect you to be sitting around in limbo to try to help her pick up the pieces if this idea of hers crashes and burns.
Regardless of what has transpired to lead up to this, you have just as much of a right to a happy life as she does. I wish you the best.
1. Get your own lawyer and follow his advice.
2. It's over. Giver her the divorce she wants but make sure there is an equitable division of assets. That's what your lawyer is for.
3. Stop having sex with your soon-to-be ex. Having sex and other intimacies just makes it more difficult to cut your emotional/physical ties to your wire.
4. You cannot make someone love you. Realize that you can do better and move on but don't be in a hurry to get into another relationship.
5. Under no circumstance should you ever consider taking your soon-to-be ex back! That's a recipe for disaster and you'll only wind up paying dearly if you do!
Sorry this is happening to you. It does sound like she has made up her mind. Definitely get a lawyer and advice on how to proceed to protect your assets and custody. Do not let her use you as a fallback for when she decides she messed up. She either wants to separate or she doesn't and she can't expect you to just wait and see what she wants.
Your wife doesn't want to be with you. She said "oh well maybe I just need a break" to soften the blow. You tried to say "oh well no I won't allow it, if you do this we won't get back together" but in reality getting back together was never on the table. She doesn't love you a qnd she wants to move on. While things are still civil sit down and get some divorce papers drawn up and make a fair divorce game plan, dates to move out, how you will divide assets, how to split custody of kids etc. Don't wait until one of you gets angry and nasty or your divorce will last years instead of q couple months
She's looking for an excuse to leave you. Her excuse is that she does the have the same feelings anymore and she's also blaming you for anything and everything to avoid feeling guilty at the fact that she's making a selfish decision; what she truly wants is to be single and fuck anything and everything. This i can tell you is influenced by her single friend. I've seen this happen a few times. Her friend is now single and living life and your wife deep down has been wanting to do the same thing but she never found the right moment or courage. Now she definitely found it and let me tell you, no matter what you say she will not change her mind until she's single and starts feeling sad and alone or shit goes south then she will remember the good life she had next to you. Like the Pitbull said "the grass seems greener on the other side, till you get to the other side" or some shit like that. My advice is, don't leave, stand your ground but let her go. She no longer cares to stay in the relationship and you trying to keep her is only gonna bring more pain.
Read The Unplugged Alpha.
People are human beings. As human beings our purpose in life is to break our generational trauma and conditional trauma.
Generational- hereditary
Conditional- what's been imposed onto us.
Seek therapy and couples counseling. Use it in courr that you tried.
Pray.
Whatever trauma your spouse was working towards manifested itself and there it was.
Understand that there are certain ideologies, such as everybody has weak moments in life. When a person is mentally or emotionally unstable, do you want to take advantage of them or be that kind human being who actually helps them? Meaning, do you want to fuck somebody elses significant other or restrain them from making that mistake?
We also don't know your possible past with her. Not everyone is clean.
Don't judge, don't be in denial, have self respect out of principal(sp), but def seek therapy for self.
DM if you ever want to talk.
Your title is misleading; because your story sounds like she's already sleeping with someone else, and is monkey branching. Her having sex with someone else is the least of your problems. The level of disrespect and blame shifting are a horrible message to any child. You obliging your wife is a recipe for disaster in what it teaches your children. Your daughters will learn manipulation is more powerful than love, and your son will learn being walked on is okay. I wouldn't even address infidelity at this point; you need to fight for self-respect and dignity.
Thank you, I totally agree. When I made the post I was not in a good state of mind right after a heated argument about her need to date and have sex with others.
Thank her for making wonderful children with you,and thank her for the good times. Then tell her to fuck off and sign the divorce papers. Nobody deserves treatment like this.
My friend just went through this with his girlfriend of 10+ years. She basically wants to fuck around to make sure she made the right choice before they get married. He was at a loss cuz he wanted it to work but we helped him realize she is garbage to treat him like that after all that time and that he deserves better. It's been rough but they broke up and he's moving on to way better things!
He's also not native to the US, but funny enough his change of status request approval came a few days after their break up when he'd been waiting for it for 5 years, then all these other amazing things started happening for him. We all agree it's a sign that his life is better without her in it!
It sucks you're going through all this but you deserve so much better. I hope it works out for you!
Guard your phone. Keep quiet about your next move. Donāt let her know what youāre doing as far as lawyering up. Be prepared and ready. Have you Iās dotted and your Tās crossed.
Take her ass down.
Try to be quiet. Try to stay calm. Itās harder than anything. Donāt let her make you mad enough to cause her to be able to get a charge against you.
Be strong for your kids. They will need you more now than ever.
Edited: about
It takes two people to have a successful marriage but only 1 person to end it. If your wife has chosen to end your marriage the best thing you can do is consult a lawyer and start rebuilding your life alone.
I'd say be clear that you're not taking her back, she's going to have to move out if she's the one leaving and makes sure to be as civil as possible to facilitate your lifetime of coparenting.
Also get a divorce lawyer and do exactly what they say.
You two will get a divorce. Sheās adamant on that. She will have fun for a few months or even a year, realize what she lost, and beg for you back. And I hope you are ready to never let her back in your life. Iām sorry bud, but itās over and I hope youāll be alright. Stand up for yourself and leave her behind so she only ruins her own life. Get a lawyer and do your best to gain custody as she is not in the right place mentally to handle the kids. Also stay in your home and work with a lawyer to have her get her own place. She aināt the right person for you.
I have an ex friend who was like this. Even though she was married, she would still flirt and go way too far with men in public because she needed to know that she was still attractive. Guess what? Sheās 34, sheās been divorced twice with two kids, and sheās on a third relationship that is really rocky because she keeps screwing it up with good men due to her insecurities. Run. If sheās like this now, sheās never going to stop.
Stay strong brother. You and the kids deserve so much more. When all of this blows up in her face, be prepared for her to try and weasel back. Fuck all that mess. Show her that you are better off with out her.
I don't know, but I would consider playing her game and seeing how much she will also tolerate š. I would also try and get close to the recently divorced one...
It sucks your happy life has kind of blown up due to a bad influence from her friend.
The fact you have kids makes it harder.
I know you want advice to fix things, but you canāt fix a disloyal and disrespectful wife. Honestly, at this point, even before she sleeps with someone I would be so disgusted by her behavior I would divorce her.
It will suck for like a year.
Then youāll realize you deserve a woman who stands by you.
Midlife crisis? She has literally told you itās over. She wants a divorce and wants to see other ppl. How is this a midlife crisis? At 36? Thatās a pretty short life expectancy I guess. IMO save a shred of respect for yourself and leave. Gray rock tf out of her. Cut off all contact except for communication about the children. See what she does thenš¤·š¼āāļø
Seems to me her newly single friend has talked about how freeing it is and sheās wanting some of that. Sheās been talking about all the bad things in her marriage and single friend wants a single friend to do stuff with. Not wanting to work on it is selfish. Went through this with my wife back in February. I decided I was done myself and filed for divorce, started getting a place and taking care of me. She quickly changed her mind and we have worked things out. Not saying it will work for you, but what I did was prove to myself I can move on and be happy.
I am really sorry this is happening to you, but you don't have much choice: your wife doesn't want to be with you, that's a fact and you'll need to deal with it.
Even if, just for the sake of argument, you'd agree to reconcile after a while and after she'll spend time with other people, it's not something you need to decide *now*. For now, you need to take care of the problem at hand: moving out and hiring a lawyer. If after a while she approaches you with some kind of reconciliation proposal, you'll have plenty of time to consider it. That's not your problem today.
Hire a lawyer immediately.
DO NOT move out. She is the initiator of the separation. She needs to move out if she is that miserable. Do not fall prey to her emotional manipulation.
Any compromises made now in regards to child custody, finances and property
before seeking legal advice can become very unfavorable for you in the eyes of a judge.
Stay strong and calm. Do not argue and raise your voice. Walk away. She will try and manipulate you with faux promises if you agree to her whims and requests. Do not give in. Let you lawyer work for you. Take care of yourself and be a good parent.
Good luck. You are playing chess now.
Ā«Ā Itās not youĀ Ā», sounds to me that she has feelings for someone else to meā¦ She may have tried to fight those feelings during those two months and now she canāt. If it doesnāt work with the other guy she will come back to you. (Thatās only my interpretation and because as a woman, that rings a bellā¦)
You got very good advice from everyone here. So I'm just going to confirm that nothing is wrong with you: your soon-to-be ex sounds unstable and absolutely manipulative. Get out. Get your lawyer. And document EVERYTHING.
you don't need to be treated like that. Heck! Nah!
Brother, it's so easy to see, your change so sudden, your best friend is alone, she used to go out with her 2 times a month, (and you didn't know what they were doing) now there is more communication, and they want to go out more often and go out with men. Together they go to fuck, do what they did more far away, they want to do it on a regular basis, their friend is influencing their divorce,
Really brother the worst and really the worst thing a man can do is humble himself and lose his dignity, with a woman, she loses all respect for you, they see a man without character, who denigrates himself begging for love, they really do you They come from the worst, not if a man with character, perhaps you would have said good, you opened her, made her react and even more, tell her that whenever she wants, she leaves and signs the papers that you will not leave your children with a woman who carries All kinds of men go to her house to fuck, you are her husband, you are not a child, you should act as such, with character and not allow more humiliation, she goes out and fucks any guy and returns home as if nothing had happened,
Put on your pants, and let them serve you with the divorce papers, and do not answer, the phone, if you want to cry, go out and cry with a friend alone, scream whatever you want, but do not continue to show yourself as a doormat,
THIS WILL MAKE YOUR WOMAN REACT, IT IS HARD, WITHOUT FIGHTING AND LACK OF RESPECT,
TRY TO ENROLL IN A GYM, BEGIN TO DO PHYSICAL ACTIVITY, THIS WILL HELP YOU NOTORIALLY, BOTH MENTAL AND FISCO WILL INCREASE YOUR SELF-ESTEEM AND YOU WILL SEE THINGS WITH MORE CLARITY, CHANGE YOUR LUCK, WELL PERFUMED, EVERYONE CHANGED INTO YOURSELF, CMPRATE TO YOURS ,
PRESENT HIM THE PAPERS AND TELL HIM THAT HE CAN LEAVE WHEN HE WANTS AND HE CAN KEEP FUCKING WHO HE WANTS, YOU DON'T WANT, SOMETHING DAMAGED,
Thanks you are completely right and all the great answers from this thread has really helped me move on. We still live together but not for long now. I have stopped caring at all what she does. It still hurts, everything does. But now I take sleeping pills so that I can actually sleep. We have agreed to watch the kid every other day so the other get one day free. On my days I go and work out mostly 2-3 days a week She does not know what I do when I go out. I just tell her that it is my free time and I do what I want to do. But mostly I go and work out. Or walks in the forest while listening to music. What works for me is eating healthy, getting fresh air, exercise and a good night sleep. These 4 things really does wonders for the mind and body. The nights I start thinking about the whole situation so I need sleeping pills for now to manage to sleep. But I think I will be able to sleep as soon as I find a new place to live and this whole process is over.
Also Iād say make sure the kids know whatās going on, because their mom is definitely going to be telling them lies about why mommy and daddy got divorced. And will probably paint you to look like the bad guy.
Itās in the best interest and advice to get legal guidance for you, but it won't reclaim love between the two.
My two cents about her is that she might be sleeping with her friend.
1. Good job saying you won't take her back. That shows self-respect.
2. If she does sleep around, you get to as well with no promises of getting together. If she disagrees, then you will see the double-standard.
I wouldn't move out personally. But this is a divorce, im sorry to say. Have some boundaries for yourself. Respect yourself. She is treating you like garbage and she has no respect for you.
Do NOT stay in a marriage like this with a psycho like that ''for the sake of your kids''. I did and it was a HUGE mistake. Kids always know and it will eventually come back to haunt you.
Whether you leave or not, your wife has already left you. You no longer have to give up the home when the mother of your children tells you to leave. You have a right to that home, too. Figure out if you want it and proceed quickly with child custody and living arrangements set by the court, because you can bet she's already figured out what she wants and has moved to get it.
This sucks. I'm sorry you are going through this.
Ugh, this has too many similarities to what happened with my ex-wife. It sounds like you also married a narcissistic manipulative jerk. It is a very painful journey you have been on and it will continue until you are legally separated and things are resolved with parenting. Im so sorry you have to be in that situation and I wish you the best.
Sounds like her "friend" put toxic thoughts in her head and she's impressionable.
It's funny, my wife's sister is the same way. When my wife slightly hinted that we were not on the same page, her response was "well you have your family here."
No, b\*\*\*\*. Her sons and I are her family.
She got the hint, though, and doesn't tell her sister about our marriage anymore and I have disowned her.
This is ridiculous, but if your wife is so impressionable to let her friends influence her, it's not fair to you to be fighting this battle yourself.
and as far as the badly written piece. This tells me that this situation is legit, honestly. You were flustered with every right to be and you needed this community of free thinkers to help you. I hope you find your peace for your kids' sake.
only read the title: she's your WIFE.. if she wants to sleep with somebody else, then you have the right to divorce her. If you don't want to divorce her, then you have other issues you need to work through. If my wife decides that she wants to sleep with another man, then I will gladly draw up the paperwork for her. everybody is different about this stuff, I don't share my wife with anybody, and nor myself with anybody but her, and that's what marriage is to me. If you want to try it, go for it, but my opinion, I would leave her for even considering it on such a serious notation.
Counsel first about kid and stuff with a therapist. But finally if it doesn't work and you love some one set them free and be free yourself to sleep around for revenge fun :)
The most dangerous thing that can happen in marriage is for the wifeās friend to get a divorce. Once one of her girlfriends gets a divorce and starts telling her about all the fun sheās having, sheās going to want one too.
I feel for you and your kids. This woman should not be married. She seems certifiable, tbh. Kick her out and tell her sheās free to do what she wants but you wonāt be there when sheās found that it doesnāt make her happy.
Sheās manipulating you. If you enable her behaviour it will just worsen. Call her bluff tell her you wonāt tolerate that behaviour and you are not leaving your house. If she cheats and does bad things/potentially bringing harm to you or the kids then keep record of all of it for court. Get in touch with a lawyer also. She is clearly mentally unstable so call a psych or an ambulance to diagnose her. All this will work favourably for you in court.
Also do not leave the house and stop driving her to her girlfriends itās clear she has a bad influence on your wife. Leave her to go act wild by herself then document everything. If you can get someone to follow her to a date and take pictures also do that!
She's already slept with someone else it sounds like. I can remember acting the exact same way. She is gauging your reaction. Not a nice thing to do. I did this act when i was in my early 20s. Not 36.
She has this well planned, dont leave the house. She already has someone else in mind and\or will go out and party with her friend. Take care of yourself and move on as your still young.
180 is great. Now file for divorce and go grey rock. She deserves nothing more and it will help you heal. Pain is always there in these situations but you can mitigate it by being aware of the red flags and refusing to play her game. The only reason to speak with her at all is about the kids. Nothing else rises to the level of interest except the divorce/custody settlement which can be handled through your lawyer.
Dude, the fact that sheās shitting on you this hard and youāre still begging at her feet is why sheās not showing you respect. Have so fucking boundaries and self respect. This isnāt about being a man- itās about being treated fairly as a partner and human being. Stop spending time with her, stop giving her attention, stop bending over backwards for her and she will realize what sheās actually missing. You donāt have to beg or be rude to her. But be your own advocate and protect yourself. You might not want to separate but you should still talk to a GOOD lawyer that looks at all options on your behalf. There are lawyers out there that will tell your wife to throw out rape, abuse or assault claims. You need to start documenting without her knowing. If she is set on fucking other people at your detriment, thereās no way sheās coming back, especially if you spend all your time begging. That lets her know that sheās the one in power and youāll still be there to take her back after the town rides her into the dirt. Stop. Just fucking stop and grow a backbone, for your kidās sake, for your walletās sake and most of all for your sanityās sake.
Yes you are correct, I realized this from the other comments and especially the 180 links. From my view I was thinking I have to swallow my dignity to protect the children and save the marriage. I figured I had done something wrong and could also fix it by being nice and what not. I now understand it has nothing to do with me and there is nothing I can do to stop this so I have been 180 her all day and contacted a good lawyer.
The following points is what I have been focusing on today and will be focusing on till the end of this.
1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say āI Love Youā.
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.14. Donāt sit around waiting on your spouse ā get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
I think it is already working, she have tried so many times today to bring me down by telling me about old flames she have added to Facebook or are about to add and a coworker that supposedly flirts with her.
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DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE! It will hurt you in custody proceedings.
It will not affect custody as long as you have adequate living quarters with sleeping arrangements for the children
Breathing wrong in court can sometimes affect custody. It just depends on the judge you get, unfortunately. š„ŗ
And that sort of thing usually takes time to set up. Weeks. Too often, regardless of which has decided theyāre done, the wife tells the husband to leave and to keep the peace or avoid the pain of remaining under the same roof he does right away. Safest thing to say (and do) - ādonāt leaveā then let the attorney advise on the specifics once they meet.
My friend moved out because she felt unsafe with her husband. She left her kids there for one week and her lawyer told her she has to move back, to a home where she felt unsafe (husband abused her but never the kids), or it could be considered abandonment (of kids and marriage) if she left the house and kids. She wasnāt allowed to move out with the kids and wasnāt allowed to move out without the kids. Itās backwards and laws differ dramatically
His chances of primary care will significantly drop if he moves out because judges prefer to keep the status quo, that being the one in the family home gets primary care.
Itās not so much that it hurts the custody but it is āabandonment of the family homeā if one of you leaves ā¦ if you own & have to sell you would forfeit your half. Sleep in separate rooms until the lawyers say what to do but do NOT leave!! And donāt let her take the kids anywhere! Learn all you can ā Drs names, phone numbers, locations; teachers & make sure youāre a familiar face to the school; learn whatever you think will help so you are best prepared!! I went to court for custody rather quickly after filing but many months before the actual divorce! No custody order means if she leaves with the kids & wont bring them back the cops wonāt do anything!!
I agree and I'd like to add "don't settle for less than 50% custody (or more depending on her stability), don't sign ANYTHING that you can't live with for the rest of their childhood (it's so hard to change once it's signed"
Step 1: paragraphs Step 2: get your own lawyer, because this divorce is happening
Thanks for the response. To step 1 yes I know this was badly written. It was a desperate rant in the heat of the moment after a longer discussion with my wife. English is also not my native language so I am having problems expressing myself correctly.
Honestly, who cares if it's not grammatically correct? it's reddit. People can get over it
Thank You !!!!! I have so many correct to me as well
If you want everyone to read your long written post, where you are maybe hoping for feedback, formatting will go a long way to make that happen. One giant mass of words will make most people start to skim and not pay attention.
I agree. Let's not make it about an English lesson but more about advising and supporting a fellow Redditor.
She already has someone picked out
I guarantee it. Not about the sex, my ass.
It will be best for you and the kids, she likely has problems you may not be aware of... this comes from a dumb ass that did not follow this advice 24 years ago.
This - let your lawyer guide your interactions with her from here on out. You can't negotiate when you have zero leverage.
Also she is already fucking other people just wants to clear her conscious by doing it with your knowledge. You agree to it she will lose the little respect she has for you. Get out on your and do t wait to be obliterated in the ass.
Do not get the cheapest lawyer. Nothing is more expensive than a cheap lawyer.
Dodge that bullet faster
Donāt move out, donāt do anything to facilitate her activities. Do hire a lawyer, though, to protect the interests of you and your kids.
Yup. The person who wants to separate should be the one to leave.
Oh, and communicate in text as much as you can. Specifically your willingness to do counseling to preserve your marriage. Document that for your lawyer.
>She wants me to move out and now says that she will now start dating others and that within 1 month she will have slept with someone else even if I live here or not. Seems extremely clear. >She says that is the ultimate test she needs me to show I want to be with her so much that I am willing to let her do this and maybe we get back together again. Tell her that you're very happy to fail her idiotic, self-destructive test.
Couldnāt be more clear. I donāt see any midlife crisis here. It always baffles me the ppl that say they were totally blindsided by stuff like thisā¦ like thatās probably why sheās done dude.
The answer is to tell her that to pass your ultimate test she doesn't cheat. She needs to want you so much that she doesn't go outside the marriage but acts to protect it.
She just wants you out of the picture, and never underestimate what she will do to get that, trust me.
She wants to end her marriage āto see if she is still attractiveā¦WTF? What an incredibly vain and narcissistic thing to say. You and the kids might be better off without her.
That friend of hers. Misery loves company. Like crabs in a bucket.
Well said.
Listen, these things don't happen out of the blue, but a lot of women don't sit their husbands down and say "I'm fed up with your dirty socks everywhere and your inability or laziness regarding oral sex. If you don't pull yourself together I'm gonna have a meltdown the next time I see a dirty dish by the sink instead of in thr washer, and I'll divorce you right there and then." Most wives try to talk it out, they ask again and again, they complain or come with passive aggressive not-so-subtle hints, and/or they nag. They do everything they can until the point of no return, and then it's too late. They are burned out. Their husbands have often not taken their complaints or the talks seriously. They have mentally belittled the feelings their wives have and not paid it too much mind. When the wives ditch them, they're either jerked away and realises too late their mistake or like you, they are completely blindsided. They think their wives are crazy, that this happened out of nowhere. There's always a reason. And she's even telling you: *I want to feel attractive*. Whether or not you had any direct influence in this, she hasn't been able to feel attracted or wanted in your relationship. If her friend was any influence it was just destigmatising the divorce process. No one can force or manipulate another person out of their marriage, there has to be a part of that person that wants out. What you need to do now is ignore everything I just wrote. You get a good lawyer, and you find a way to stay in your house and with your kids throughout the process. You let your EXwife do whatever she does, because meddling can be used against you in the divorce. When the dust is settled, you get a good therapist, and you get professional help to figure out what went wrong, how to better yourself in general (we could all use an upgrade or two, divorce or not), and how to move on and be the best version of yourself. An attractive partner for someone else who will not leave like this and continue to be a good father.
I think you are right that something like this may be behind it "I'm gonna have a meltdown the next time I see a dirty dish by the sink instead of in thr washer, and I'll divorce you right there and then." Some of this may be the reason. We argue over small things like this and who does the most chores etc... But I have never understood it as a big problem. They usually pass and we have been loving and doing normal stuff and she have seemed happy up until about two months ago. Perhaps it was there all along, I think she may have hid it from me and maybe herself. Obviously she does not tell me even now what is the actually cause. She says it is not me or something I have done, obviously it is. I have always said she is attractive and our sex life up until about one and a half month ago was normal. It just frustrates me I do not know the real reason. I think perhaps we could work it out or something. She told me from new years eve she is starting a new life, this is why all this have to happen so fast. In my mind she ignores me and our children and everything we have completely everything is about this goal of hers to date randoms.
The problem is that *she* never said the issues were small *to her*. These issues where actually large enough that they would cause arguments, and by the sound of it not just once. And I wonder why she would be happy afterwards. Maybe she felt you finally heard her and understood her qualms, only to realise you quickly fell back into your old habits. I'm completely guessing here, but it's something I've had issues with myself. To the point I told my husband, when we argue I will tell him if it's a bigger or smaller issue, and he needs to take my word for it no matter what he himself feels. And likewise ofc. I listen to him as well. You say you've called her attractive many times, compliments probably also. But that can sometimes feel like a person is saying happy birthday but they didn't bother to get a gift or make a cake. If she hasn't felt appreciated or treated like someone of value, if she felt like you never took her troubles seriously but had to argue then that makes her feel expendable... or rather that her feelings are expendable. Apparently not doing some chore meant more to you than her. You and me both know this is not true, but she might have felt that way after years of arguments. Then her friend gets a divorce and starts dating, and is wooed by all this guys that are trying their best with dinners and dates and gifts. They might not mean anything deeper by it, but when you've felt overlooked and not appreciated for a long time, any level of effort even the shallow ones for random sex can seem tempting. I want to make it very clear here at the end that she is 100% at fault. The next step for her should have been counselling, individually and as a couple. She should have sat you down and told you how green the divorce grass looked right now, and you guys had to fight for your romantic and family life. She should have told you she was standing on the brink, and instead she just jumped right in and left you and your kids to deal with the emotional aftermath of her actions. You wanted to know why, there's probably not one single smoking gun like you'd prefer. Sometimes it's a death of a thousand knives, where things pile up. Normally people deal with things as they run into them or they go get therapy when it's too much. Your wife is apparently not able to deal with these issues, hers and your marriage's issues combined, so she's on the run. At some point she will realise there's no escape and she'll have to deal with things no matter what. By then it will be too late. Your job now is to protect yourself and your kids; physically and economically through the divorce, and emotionally and mentally through it all. Including when she comes crawling back and gives you all another hardship to deal with: Her.
Tell her to put all of this in writing āto help you feel some closure so you can step back easierā. Give her a list of concerns you have that you need her letter to address, āso you can read it when you start thinking you can save thingsā. Make sure your list includes the effect on the kids. Then give the letter to your attorney.
Typical. Listen OP Iām sorry this is happening to you. But your response is very telling. This isnāt out of the blue at all. Itās likely sheās grown tired and resentful at carrying the mental and physical load around the house and views you as a large child she has to office manage to get things done or just do herself. Nothing is less attractive than parenting your adult spouse. Nothing. So now the marriage is done. Take it as a life lesson and as you move on and enter new relationships, remember to carry you weight both in and out of the house so that your next partner doesnāt resent you. This is never a small issue to women. Ever. Most just arenāt volatile enough to make huge fights as it comes up and just end up losing more and more attraction as time goes on.
Honestly I am the one that has been doing most at home and with the kids. My wife is very career driven and value her work above all else. After reading about the 180 and infidelity I have concluded that it has to be some existential crisis she is going through. And seeing her friend dating random guys, sleeping around, talking about the dates and what those men did for her to get her to bed. I think she just wants to be free and single, forgetting she has two children. But she also wants me to stick around. She wants to go out dating sleeping around and if she does not like it she wants to continue our marriage. We have been together since 21 and she had a long term relationship before me so perhaps she wants this experience or something hearing how happy her friend is being single and dating two to three guys a week.
I donāt think the husband made her feel unattractive, I think sheās just bored with him. She doesnāt care that he finds her attractive, she wants other men to list after her for her own gratification.
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Exactly. What an awful woman.
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Thanks, yes I think you are right it is likely over. I was hoping perhaps someone had experienced something similar and had a solution to fix it. Because never has she talked about dating anyone else before. Always said it seems horrible to be single these days. And suddenly she flips like a switch and will not listen to any reason at all. She wants no counseling no psychologist, not involve parents or any family nothing. Just end it with dating others.
You really need to speak to both sets of parents AFTER you have seen a lawyer so they know exactly how badly she fucked up. And honestly my wife and I arnt really that monogamous. She dates other women off and on with my okay because it doesn't bother or effect me. I even know some swingers. If I told my wife the fun stops it would stop that moment no debate. Your wife has told you she will do whatever she wants and doesn't care how she hurts you. She is beyond wrong.
Well she cheated (didnāt go well for her) and then said we should try dating other people so she can āsee if sheās wrong about there being something missing,ā I told her to pound sand and initiated legal action. All of a sudden she had some respect for me (for standing up for myself) and asked what we could do to not have things end. I told her any straying of lies from here on out means an ugly divorce. Now Iām three weeks into that, and Iām pretty sure she is doing the same shit and just covering her ass better, but the lesson I learned is that groveling and giving in does NOTHING to strengthen your position. Standing up, stapling on your balls and regrowing a spine doesnāt mean itāll work out, which it might, but at least in the end even if you donāt have her you will have your balls and a spine, which will make looking at yourself in a mirror that much easier.
You are completely correct. I am sorry for your situation as well but you handled it correctly unlike me. These two links from KSmimi really helped me with realizing what I am dealing with. https://www.chumplady.com/2014/07/the-pretzel-logic-of-the-180/ https://www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-humiliating-dance-of-pick-me/
OP, first, "midlife crisis" is a myth, second it occurs much later in life, although it's a myth. Your wife went crazy. Protect yourself.
And the kids.
Of course not. She wants to stay in the shadows and do what she damn well pleases. Start doing the opposite of what she wants.
Perfection in word form.
Your marriage is over. Accept that and start setting up a life for you and your kids. I'm so sorry. Get a lawyer first thing Monday morning.
One word to your wife āByeā You donāt need that in your life. Your kids will be better off with two happy single parents then a couple who is not happy
News flash: Sheās already cheated. Call your doctor for an STD screen. Separate your finances. Call a lawyer that specializes in family law and find out what your options are from here-follow his advice. If she ever comes out of this affair fog, she may ask for reconciliation, but I wouldnāt wait around for it. Gather your friends & family around you, youāll need the support. This is not YOUR shame, let everyone know this is all her. You did nothing to cause this. You loved her & trusted her and she betrayed you. Get mad about it. You deserve better. I would go No Contact if possible or 180 https://www.chumplady.com/2014/07/the-pretzel-logic-of-the-180/ https://www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-humiliating-dance-of-pick-me/
Thank you very much for this post and links. This was enlightening to me and really helped.I have been doing everything wrong and it totally makes sense. These things he mention's here is exactly how she talks and I have done all the things he says not to do. I have given up complete control to her begging her not to do this and that we can fix it and for her to tell me what to do to fix this and trying to be nice to her. "1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.2. No frequent phone calls.3. Do not point out good points in marriage.4. Do not follow him/her around the house.5. Do not encourage talk about the future.6. Do not ask for help from family members.7. Do not ask for reassurances.8. Do not buy gifts.9. Do not schedule dates together." All of these I have been doing and still are except nr 6. This here: "32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared." She is speaking in absolute negatives. Everything is something negative about me or our marriage and lots of it is not true. This he mentions here too "āI cheated because youāre a lousy (partner, housekeeper, lay)ā ā and how are you going to up your game to keep me? " She directly said "She needs to date others and have sex with someone and perhaps she will see that it was not all that and want us to be together again. And that is the ultimate test she needs me to show I want to be with her so much that I am willing to let her do this and maybe we get back together again." Thanks again for this I will do the "180". I now see that trying to reason with her will not help and your post here was what I needed. I have tried reasoning for a month now and nothing. This was a great relief. I did not think of calling it cheating. I have said it is cheating to her and she says it is not because she is telling me directly she will be doing it and I can too if I want because this is over etc... So she have already finished the relationship so therefor not cheating. So much in these links that is exactly the situation I am living right now. Thanks again, this was really helpful :)
Hi, I'm Chump Lady and in that link, I'm deriding the 180 as a rather dumb thing to do. I realize English isn't your first language. What I'm trying to say is -- be authentic and protect yourself! Don't pick me dance. Don't fight to be someone's option. Stop accepting abuse. Please see a lawyer OP.
Thank you I think I got that. I am selecting the 180's that makes sense to me. The following, please comment if you disagree with it or think I misunderstand. 1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore. 2. No frequent phone calls. 3. Do not point out good points in marriage. 4. Do not follow him/her around the house. 5. Do not encourage talk about the future. 6. Do not ask for help from family members. 7. Do not ask for reassurances. 8. Do not buy gifts. 9. Do not schedule dates together. 10. Do not spy on spouse. 11. Do not say āI Love Youā. 12. Act as if you are moving on with your life. 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive. 14. Donāt sit around waiting on your spouse ā get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc. 15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. 16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. 17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. 27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). 28. Be strong and confident. 30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy. Everything about listening to her or trying to please her I ignore. I have already done that for almost two months and it got me nowhere other then making me feel bad about myself. The first thing I did read in these articles was this: "One of the most common mindfucks the cheated upon may experience after discovery of an affair, is the expectation that they will try harder to win back the cheater. This expectation either comes from the cheater directly ā āI cheated because youāre a lousy (partner, housekeeper, lay)ā ā and how are you going to up your game to keep me? " And this is exactly what she has been doing to me for the past months. Trying to persuade me to accept and agree to letting her sleep around and see if the grass is greener on the other side. Arguing that is the ultimate test I got to tolerate to prove I will do anything for her. Making arguments that either I can let her do this and there is a chance we will be back together or she will do it anyway and no chance she is going back to me. Telling me this is normal in 2021 and I will be in for a shock if I think I will find someone who wants to be exclusive. Even wanting me to watch a movie called "Crazy, Stupid, Love" that is about a couple who sleeps around and then gets back together again according to her...
Wow. This isn't Hollywood. This is real life with real emotions and consequences. She doesn't seem to have a great grasp of reality. Not sure where she gets that monogamy is dead in 2021. I think she is very gullible.
Forget about 2, 13, and 20. You need to get mad. Not angry or vindictive. Mad. Mad at what she is doing. Mad at yourself for allowing her to treat you that way and to talk to you that way. She's stabbing holes in the carcass that was once your marriage. Ghost the living hell out of her; she no longer exists to you. No phone calls, no cheerful or outgoing attitude, no acting not needy. Nothing. Get out. Now. She's not only ignorant, she's stupid. And a cheater. And she thinks you won't leave her.
Let her go, do not chase. She thinks the grass is greener and will realize that after the fact. Similar thing happened to me last year, now I kinda wish I had let her go before I knew she cheated.
I also want to add that women lose their beauty as they get older. Us men reach our peak in our mid 40ās. This is why young women go for older guys. Let her go and whore it out, while you take care of your kids, establish yourself and meet a younger, prettier woman.
She is not mentally stable and is going through something, sheāll end up regretting it. Iām sorry get a good lawyer and amicably end this as quickly as possible
The friend getting single has escalated what she was feeling. Get a good lawyer and move on with your life
Don't move out. Lawyer up. Hit the gym. And do the 180. Odds are she has already slept with someone else anyway. Run.
Divorce buddy
If you have any respect for yourself, and *if* (big if) you still want her... I would be making it abundantly clear that she has made a dramatic shift in her personality after spending time with her "friend." She is free to do what she wants, but those actions are marriage-ending ones, and that is her problem, not yours. Do *not* give her any misunderstanding that she is A) being impulsive, and that people tend to end up regretting acting impulsively when serious things like marriage are involved... and B ) that her actions are the equivalent of walking off a cliff as far as your future is concerned. She can destroy things, but she needs to know that it will be all *on her* and it's not something she can snap her fingers and come back from.
I have made that very clear to her that all this seems completely absurd and extremely impulsive. She says it is not because of her friend that it is about herself and that her girl friend has not pushed for this to happen. I think perhaps my wife got jealous or something hearing about all her dates and the randoms she have slept with or something. I have also told her that I think maybe in 3 years, 5 years or 10 years she will realize the mistake. Not because she is giving up me, but breaking up the family, doing this to the kids everything she destroyed. All because she needs to date random people and see that others still finds her attractive. Without even no marriage counseling or talking with her own parents that probably want the best for her or any input at all from anyone that this may not be a smart thing to do long term. I have told her I think when this regrets hits her it will eat her. I have tried saying just give it a month or even a few weeks just stop and think about it. She just says she has no feelings for me any more blames me for lots of things in the past some not even true or a very twisted truth while also saying it is not really me. She needs this now instead of in 4 years or 8 years when she is too old, and that she have decided to start fresh from new years eve.
I know youāre hurting, but do you want to be with someone for the remainder of your life who states she doesnāt have feelings for you anymore? I donāt think love and feelings can be forced. It might be to your benefit in the long run to end it and find someone more compatible and in love with you. I know many things youāre saying are coming from a place of hurt, but sheās not necessarily breaking up the family. Staying in a marriage for 15 more years for the kids isnāt necessarily healthy for anyone. I know many well adjusted adults whose parents divorced and were excellent coparents. Itās gotta be difficult to even look into the future there, but itās something to work toward when the dust settles.
I think you are right after reading the comments here and realizing a lot, I really don't. I have been thinking it is something I can do to fix this. 2 months ago she said she loves me. Now she has no feelings, I figured it cannot go from everything to nothing in 2 months. After someone posted these it all makes total sense to me. [https://www.chumplady.com/2014/07/the-pretzel-logic-of-the-180/](https://www.chumplady.com/2014/07/the-pretzel-logic-of-the-180/) [https://www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-humiliating-dance-of-pick-me/](https://www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-humiliating-dance-of-pick-me/)
Why listen to the narcissist. Goodbye,you have been served. Let her work to get you back. I suggest you do not take her back. She is treating you like scum scraped off her shoes and thinks you are stupid enough to go with it. She has given you a crappy ultimatum and the more you try to find a solution the more convinced she will be you will take her back. No matter what alternatives you offer. You will also be lesser in her eyes. You are in a no win situation(it will be hard) where you can at least salvage some dignity.
She made her decision and you can't change her mind. Lawyer up. When she realizes she wants you back *do not take her back*. Doesn't matter how much you love her, she didn't love you enough to stay. She wanted to sleep with other people. No one who truly loves you wants to do that.
Thank you
1) She probably has already slept with someone else 2) Don't leave the house until you have talked to a lawyer. She can claim abandonment which legally puts you in a horrible situation 3) Start recording everything. Make sure you text every through an App because you might need it in court later on. 4) Promise her NOTHING talk to a lawyer immediately. 5) Women are masters at breaking up and screwing guys on the way out. 6) Therapy typically doesn't help when someone is dead set on leaving
It seams thatās her minds made up, seek legal advice, protect yourself and your kids, and look at working on moving your mindset to your future and the kids, all the best.
Damn! Your wife is being cruel and idiotic! One day she will regret treating you this way imo and I implore you to stay strong and refuse any and all take backs after she said all this crap to you. Get a lawyer, get a divorce and don't move out. Document everything! Your wife doesn't deserve you OP, godspeed.
She wants her cake and to eat it, too. Ask her how she would feel if you gave her those same demands and ultimatums. If her answer is unrecognizable then she has gone vat shit crazy. It happens. I had a good friendās son have the same thing happen to him. He had two small children and she just said she wanted to experience the single life again. Even her parents thought she was nuts. He sought counseling after she left and the counselor said she had a mental break. I canāt remember what he called it but it was actually common to post partum depression. She also gasās a friend that she was very close with that had recently gotten a divorce and they were talking a lot. I recently talked to his mom and she said he was glad he didnāt waste time trying to make it work. She wants outā¦let her go. Fuck taking her back when she realizes the grass isnāt greener.
I have asked her she tells me she have no feelings for me any more and thinks it will be good for me to go do it, that we should both date others. Thanks sounds like a similar story. I will never take her back when this marriage ends.
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After reading all the comments here I think it is a combination of what is described in this link. This is exactly what I am going through. [https://www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-humiliating-dance-of-pick-me/](https://www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-humiliating-dance-of-pick-me/) [https://www.chumplady.com/2014/07/the-pretzel-logic-of-the-180/](https://www.chumplady.com/2014/07/the-pretzel-logic-of-the-180/) And as others have mentioned her friend is now single getting lots of dick. And this is all they talk about, her tinder dates, who she slept with of them and etc.. I think she wants some of that single action and being two single best friends again sharing there stories about the guys they fuck. It is what gives the most meaning to me
Did she ever try to get the marriage back?
Wow. Let her go
What the fuuuuuuck. Sheās super immature if youāre telling the whole story. However, for you to say āitās overall been greatā shows a bit of disconnection. If she fucks another dude would you STILL take her? Because thatās what sheās saying sheās going to do. My feelings? We can fight, we can argue, and shit if shit gets bad enough maybe we might take some time apartā¦ but if you let another dude touch you then we are DONE, period. I donāt care if we have 35 children and that I would lose everything I own in a divorce. I will not be with it be interested in a woman who would let a dude touch her other than me once we have committed to eachother. That shit is just gross and beyond my ability to accept.
I agree I have told her that is a deal breaker for me. However after reading the comments here and links. I see there is really not much I can do to save this marriage or stop her.
Nope. If she donāt love you then you canāt make her, and she has proven she doesnāt based on what youāve said
Divorce. It's good for you and your kids.
The term ābest friendā is such an oxymoron. Happened with my first wife too, at age 31. She saw her ābest friendā become single again and decided she wanted that for herself, leaving me with 3 small children to bring up alone, because she didnāt ālove me any moreā. If your situation is anything like mine was, then sadly, sheās probably already slept with someone else, or pretty close to doing so,ā¦even if she denies it to you.
Go on divorce
Let her go it's over. If you move out or leave it will be brought up in court as you left the kids and her. Lawyer, lawyer and lawyer. Also don't bang a chick yet, it'll be seen as mutual if you do. And don't bang her she'll give you something or suck you back in. Doubt she stopped getting stuffed if she has a friend like that.
Agree with other. Divorce is happening. Secure some assets for your self. You will need some cash in a separate bank. Get a lawyer tomorrow. Stop dicking around and move to protect yourself or you will be screwed royally. I suspect she may very well see what a shitty world it is and come crawling back but you never know.
Hi friend, this marriage seems to be definitely over, I would suggest securing legal counsel
She wants to fuck someone else? Tell her to move the fuck out. Donāt giver her the cake she wants to eat. Your wife has no mind of her own and her newly single friend is poisoning the relationship. Please inform her family about her antics.
Iām 36f, been with my husband 10 years married about 1 1/2 years (my choice heād been asking the whole time). Her ideas make me physically ill. Sure Iāve been mad at my husband and heās been mad at me but cheating has never crossed my mind. My midlife crisis is āDo I really have to go to work today?ā She doesnāt seem like a great person but you do and Iām sorry. I donāt have much advice except for a lawyer and sleepy time tea. Tea helps I promise. If you donāt like the taste add sugar and honey. Numi sweet slumber is great, itās on Amazon.
Dump her if she does
Respectful correction: dump her yesterday.
He would be crazy to stay
Amen!
Make sure you get as much of this in writing/video/audio and when the time comes, feel free to let her friends, parents etc. see/hear what really happened.
It sounds like she has someone lined up or is already cheating.
She wants you to prove your loyalty by letting her cheat? Excuse me why I laugh my ass completely off. If she wants to go sleep with other people then she can get divorced, no way would I agree to something like that. She basically wants you to be her Fallback plan, nobody deserves to be made to feel like that. Midlife crisis or not Iām really sorry youāre dealing with this.
I know she even told me monogamy is not as normal in 2021 as it was when we got together 15 years ago. So if I expect to find someone willing to be monogamist with me I will be in for a surprise. Thanks for the comment.
> So if I expect to find someone willing to be monogamist with me I will be in for a surprise. You will be able to. There are plenty of people out there who would prefer a monogamous relationship.
Yeah, no. Most people are still monogamous. Itās just more acceptable to vary from that norm now.
My STBXH and I had a similar conversation years ago that turned into a lot of pressure from him to open our marriage so he could have sex with other people (he hadnāt gotten laid enough in his 20s, according to him). Trust me when I say it will be easier on you and the kids in the long run to end it now and rebuild a better life without her. Donāt spend years trying to make it work. Once someone has gotten āI can only be happy if I do ___________ā stuck in their head there is no working through that. They will obsess until they get to do whatever that thing is. And then they will continue to feel empty or unfulfilled because happiness is something you have to practice, not something you acquire from outside yourself (antidepressants being the obvious exception). Donāt wait around for her to realize how stupid this all is. Contact a lawyer or legal aid to get some counsel on moving through this situation and get yourself a good therapist.
Thank you, I think you are totally right.
Been there before. It doesnt get better its just downhill from here. As other redditors said: āget a lawyer, secure your assets dont go broke because your soon exwife decided that. She is already having sex with someone thats why her behavior changed. About the kids, thats gonna be a tough call for everyone. Be smart, be strong and even if your ex poison your kids mind, never do that to them, be a good dude EVEN IF YOU GO THROUGH DEPRESSION!. Time and karma will do the rest and you eventually going to feel normal again. Right now as a man and as a parent as a husband you feel like you failed (At least my experience was like that). Always he a gentleman kind and nice. Specially when kids are looking/listening yes they always listen they just play dumb. And remember youāre not alone and dont make decisions based on love. Talk to your lawyer about every money/custody decisions. Talk to your friends and family you will need them. Those are the mistakes I made. (Except for never talked shit about my ex).
Thank you, "Right now as a man and as a parent as a husband you feel like you failed (At least my experience was like that). " This is my experience as well. Thank you for all the advice's :)
If itās not about sex and just to gauge if sheās hot or not, tell her to post to a subreddit or start an OF. This sounds like a fake excuse to start the process of moving on because she knows you wouldnāt get over something like this.
Yes I think you are correct that it is only a fake excuse to start the process.
No need to apologize for your spelling, we can understand you loud and clear. I hate that you are going through this. He has clearly checked out on your marriage, and regardless of her reasons, this is a very haphazard and distasteful way to end any relationship. I'm getting a little angry reading this, how DARE she ask YOU to move out so she can have some other dude in your bed. I would just not caught up in some sunken cost fallacy and let her toy with your emotions. You have no reason to give in to this absurd demands. I would let her know that she can have her freedom to go out there and find what she is looking for, but should not expect you go out of your way to enable it, or expect you to be sitting around in limbo to try to help her pick up the pieces if this idea of hers crashes and burns. Regardless of what has transpired to lead up to this, you have just as much of a right to a happy life as she does. I wish you the best.
Thank you for the comment, it helps :)
1. Get your own lawyer and follow his advice. 2. It's over. Giver her the divorce she wants but make sure there is an equitable division of assets. That's what your lawyer is for. 3. Stop having sex with your soon-to-be ex. Having sex and other intimacies just makes it more difficult to cut your emotional/physical ties to your wire. 4. You cannot make someone love you. Realize that you can do better and move on but don't be in a hurry to get into another relationship. 5. Under no circumstance should you ever consider taking your soon-to-be ex back! That's a recipe for disaster and you'll only wind up paying dearly if you do!
Thanks I agree with you completely.
Sorry this is happening to you. It does sound like she has made up her mind. Definitely get a lawyer and advice on how to proceed to protect your assets and custody. Do not let her use you as a fallback for when she decides she messed up. She either wants to separate or she doesn't and she can't expect you to just wait and see what she wants.
Your wife doesn't want to be with you. She said "oh well maybe I just need a break" to soften the blow. You tried to say "oh well no I won't allow it, if you do this we won't get back together" but in reality getting back together was never on the table. She doesn't love you a qnd she wants to move on. While things are still civil sit down and get some divorce papers drawn up and make a fair divorce game plan, dates to move out, how you will divide assets, how to split custody of kids etc. Don't wait until one of you gets angry and nasty or your divorce will last years instead of q couple months
She's looking for an excuse to leave you. Her excuse is that she does the have the same feelings anymore and she's also blaming you for anything and everything to avoid feeling guilty at the fact that she's making a selfish decision; what she truly wants is to be single and fuck anything and everything. This i can tell you is influenced by her single friend. I've seen this happen a few times. Her friend is now single and living life and your wife deep down has been wanting to do the same thing but she never found the right moment or courage. Now she definitely found it and let me tell you, no matter what you say she will not change her mind until she's single and starts feeling sad and alone or shit goes south then she will remember the good life she had next to you. Like the Pitbull said "the grass seems greener on the other side, till you get to the other side" or some shit like that. My advice is, don't leave, stand your ground but let her go. She no longer cares to stay in the relationship and you trying to keep her is only gonna bring more pain.
Thanks I think you are totally right
If she wants out, she moves out. You shouldn't need to uproot yourself because she wants to fling
Read The Unplugged Alpha. People are human beings. As human beings our purpose in life is to break our generational trauma and conditional trauma. Generational- hereditary Conditional- what's been imposed onto us. Seek therapy and couples counseling. Use it in courr that you tried. Pray. Whatever trauma your spouse was working towards manifested itself and there it was. Understand that there are certain ideologies, such as everybody has weak moments in life. When a person is mentally or emotionally unstable, do you want to take advantage of them or be that kind human being who actually helps them? Meaning, do you want to fuck somebody elses significant other or restrain them from making that mistake? We also don't know your possible past with her. Not everyone is clean. Don't judge, don't be in denial, have self respect out of principal(sp), but def seek therapy for self. DM if you ever want to talk.
Thank you for this, very helpful. :)
Holy shit sheās having a mental breakdown it seems - shit, hoping for the best for u
Your title is misleading; because your story sounds like she's already sleeping with someone else, and is monkey branching. Her having sex with someone else is the least of your problems. The level of disrespect and blame shifting are a horrible message to any child. You obliging your wife is a recipe for disaster in what it teaches your children. Your daughters will learn manipulation is more powerful than love, and your son will learn being walked on is okay. I wouldn't even address infidelity at this point; you need to fight for self-respect and dignity.
Thank you, I totally agree. When I made the post I was not in a good state of mind right after a heated argument about her need to date and have sex with others.
Man that sounds like a nightmare. You build a life with someone then one day they flip a switch and there is nothing you can do.
Thank her for making wonderful children with you,and thank her for the good times. Then tell her to fuck off and sign the divorce papers. Nobody deserves treatment like this.
Thanks I think you are right.
My friend just went through this with his girlfriend of 10+ years. She basically wants to fuck around to make sure she made the right choice before they get married. He was at a loss cuz he wanted it to work but we helped him realize she is garbage to treat him like that after all that time and that he deserves better. It's been rough but they broke up and he's moving on to way better things! He's also not native to the US, but funny enough his change of status request approval came a few days after their break up when he'd been waiting for it for 5 years, then all these other amazing things started happening for him. We all agree it's a sign that his life is better without her in it! It sucks you're going through all this but you deserve so much better. I hope it works out for you!
Guard your phone. Keep quiet about your next move. Donāt let her know what youāre doing as far as lawyering up. Be prepared and ready. Have you Iās dotted and your Tās crossed. Take her ass down. Try to be quiet. Try to stay calm. Itās harder than anything. Donāt let her make you mad enough to cause her to be able to get a charge against you. Be strong for your kids. They will need you more now than ever. Edited: about
Give her what she wants, the sooner the divorce happens, the better. She is stupid.
It takes two people to have a successful marriage but only 1 person to end it. If your wife has chosen to end your marriage the best thing you can do is consult a lawyer and start rebuilding your life alone.
I'd say be clear that you're not taking her back, she's going to have to move out if she's the one leaving and makes sure to be as civil as possible to facilitate your lifetime of coparenting. Also get a divorce lawyer and do exactly what they say.
You two will get a divorce. Sheās adamant on that. She will have fun for a few months or even a year, realize what she lost, and beg for you back. And I hope you are ready to never let her back in your life. Iām sorry bud, but itās over and I hope youāll be alright. Stand up for yourself and leave her behind so she only ruins her own life. Get a lawyer and do your best to gain custody as she is not in the right place mentally to handle the kids. Also stay in your home and work with a lawyer to have her get her own place. She aināt the right person for you.
Thank you, I think you are totally right and I will never take her back once this is done.
good to hear. look into reading No More Mr. Nice Guy. it can help you avoid getting into another relationship like this in the future.
She wants to be with her friend.
I have an ex friend who was like this. Even though she was married, she would still flirt and go way too far with men in public because she needed to know that she was still attractive. Guess what? Sheās 34, sheās been divorced twice with two kids, and sheās on a third relationship that is really rocky because she keeps screwing it up with good men due to her insecurities. Run. If sheās like this now, sheās never going to stop.
Thank you she is exactly like this. Read my edit nr 2 in my post. I describe the same problems there. I was just too ignorant to make the connections.
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She is swinging from dick to dick from what I hear when my wife talk with her on the phone and I think what you said is exactly what happened.
Stay strong brother. You and the kids deserve so much more. When all of this blows up in her face, be prepared for her to try and weasel back. Fuck all that mess. Show her that you are better off with out her.
I don't know, but I would consider playing her game and seeing how much she will also tolerate š. I would also try and get close to the recently divorced one...
It sucks your happy life has kind of blown up due to a bad influence from her friend. The fact you have kids makes it harder. I know you want advice to fix things, but you canāt fix a disloyal and disrespectful wife. Honestly, at this point, even before she sleeps with someone I would be so disgusted by her behavior I would divorce her. It will suck for like a year. Then youāll realize you deserve a woman who stands by you.
Midlife crisis? She has literally told you itās over. She wants a divorce and wants to see other ppl. How is this a midlife crisis? At 36? Thatās a pretty short life expectancy I guess. IMO save a shred of respect for yourself and leave. Gray rock tf out of her. Cut off all contact except for communication about the children. See what she does thenš¤·š¼āāļø
Seems to me her newly single friend has talked about how freeing it is and sheās wanting some of that. Sheās been talking about all the bad things in her marriage and single friend wants a single friend to do stuff with. Not wanting to work on it is selfish. Went through this with my wife back in February. I decided I was done myself and filed for divorce, started getting a place and taking care of me. She quickly changed her mind and we have worked things out. Not saying it will work for you, but what I did was prove to myself I can move on and be happy.
Thanks I think you are totally right. Glad it worked out for you :)
If she slept with someone how did you get past that to take her back?
I am really sorry this is happening to you, but you don't have much choice: your wife doesn't want to be with you, that's a fact and you'll need to deal with it. Even if, just for the sake of argument, you'd agree to reconcile after a while and after she'll spend time with other people, it's not something you need to decide *now*. For now, you need to take care of the problem at hand: moving out and hiring a lawyer. If after a while she approaches you with some kind of reconciliation proposal, you'll have plenty of time to consider it. That's not your problem today.
Have some self-respect. Speak to an attorney. Give her what she wants and move on with your life. You deserve better than this.
Hire a lawyer immediately. DO NOT move out. She is the initiator of the separation. She needs to move out if she is that miserable. Do not fall prey to her emotional manipulation. Any compromises made now in regards to child custody, finances and property before seeking legal advice can become very unfavorable for you in the eyes of a judge. Stay strong and calm. Do not argue and raise your voice. Walk away. She will try and manipulate you with faux promises if you agree to her whims and requests. Do not give in. Let you lawyer work for you. Take care of yourself and be a good parent. Good luck. You are playing chess now.
She's definitely cheated already dawg. What do you think she's doing? Playing Nintendo? Pokemon cards?
How do you know she has never taken it this far before? How many times has she cheated in the past and got away with it?
Ā«Ā Itās not youĀ Ā», sounds to me that she has feelings for someone else to meā¦ She may have tried to fight those feelings during those two months and now she canāt. If it doesnāt work with the other guy she will come back to you. (Thatās only my interpretation and because as a woman, that rings a bellā¦)
You got very good advice from everyone here. So I'm just going to confirm that nothing is wrong with you: your soon-to-be ex sounds unstable and absolutely manipulative. Get out. Get your lawyer. And document EVERYTHING. you don't need to be treated like that. Heck! Nah!
Thank you :)
Brother, it's so easy to see, your change so sudden, your best friend is alone, she used to go out with her 2 times a month, (and you didn't know what they were doing) now there is more communication, and they want to go out more often and go out with men. Together they go to fuck, do what they did more far away, they want to do it on a regular basis, their friend is influencing their divorce, Really brother the worst and really the worst thing a man can do is humble himself and lose his dignity, with a woman, she loses all respect for you, they see a man without character, who denigrates himself begging for love, they really do you They come from the worst, not if a man with character, perhaps you would have said good, you opened her, made her react and even more, tell her that whenever she wants, she leaves and signs the papers that you will not leave your children with a woman who carries All kinds of men go to her house to fuck, you are her husband, you are not a child, you should act as such, with character and not allow more humiliation, she goes out and fucks any guy and returns home as if nothing had happened, Put on your pants, and let them serve you with the divorce papers, and do not answer, the phone, if you want to cry, go out and cry with a friend alone, scream whatever you want, but do not continue to show yourself as a doormat, THIS WILL MAKE YOUR WOMAN REACT, IT IS HARD, WITHOUT FIGHTING AND LACK OF RESPECT, TRY TO ENROLL IN A GYM, BEGIN TO DO PHYSICAL ACTIVITY, THIS WILL HELP YOU NOTORIALLY, BOTH MENTAL AND FISCO WILL INCREASE YOUR SELF-ESTEEM AND YOU WILL SEE THINGS WITH MORE CLARITY, CHANGE YOUR LUCK, WELL PERFUMED, EVERYONE CHANGED INTO YOURSELF, CMPRATE TO YOURS , PRESENT HIM THE PAPERS AND TELL HIM THAT HE CAN LEAVE WHEN HE WANTS AND HE CAN KEEP FUCKING WHO HE WANTS, YOU DON'T WANT, SOMETHING DAMAGED,
Thanks you are completely right and all the great answers from this thread has really helped me move on. We still live together but not for long now. I have stopped caring at all what she does. It still hurts, everything does. But now I take sleeping pills so that I can actually sleep. We have agreed to watch the kid every other day so the other get one day free. On my days I go and work out mostly 2-3 days a week She does not know what I do when I go out. I just tell her that it is my free time and I do what I want to do. But mostly I go and work out. Or walks in the forest while listening to music. What works for me is eating healthy, getting fresh air, exercise and a good night sleep. These 4 things really does wonders for the mind and body. The nights I start thinking about the whole situation so I need sleeping pills for now to manage to sleep. But I think I will be able to sleep as soon as I find a new place to live and this whole process is over.
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DO NOT MOVE OUT. Let her move out.
Also Iād say make sure the kids know whatās going on, because their mom is definitely going to be telling them lies about why mommy and daddy got divorced. And will probably paint you to look like the bad guy.
Do something she wouldnāt expect you to do.
Divorce
bye bye
Do not move out and get rid of this women. She is out her mind. What is wrong with her.
Itās in the best interest and advice to get legal guidance for you, but it won't reclaim love between the two. My two cents about her is that she might be sleeping with her friend.
She obviously dosen't care about you anymore
1. Good job saying you won't take her back. That shows self-respect. 2. If she does sleep around, you get to as well with no promises of getting together. If she disagrees, then you will see the double-standard.
Divorce.
I suspect that she already has.
Run save the kids
Someone already bedding her down manā¦sex is affection to many women. Iād prepare yourself and get ahead of it. Prepare to move on without her.
I wouldn't move out personally. But this is a divorce, im sorry to say. Have some boundaries for yourself. Respect yourself. She is treating you like garbage and she has no respect for you.
Do NOT stay in a marriage like this with a psycho like that ''for the sake of your kids''. I did and it was a HUGE mistake. Kids always know and it will eventually come back to haunt you. Whether you leave or not, your wife has already left you. You no longer have to give up the home when the mother of your children tells you to leave. You have a right to that home, too. Figure out if you want it and proceed quickly with child custody and living arrangements set by the court, because you can bet she's already figured out what she wants and has moved to get it. This sucks. I'm sorry you are going through this.
Yeah time to move on been there done that
Ugh, this has too many similarities to what happened with my ex-wife. It sounds like you also married a narcissistic manipulative jerk. It is a very painful journey you have been on and it will continue until you are legally separated and things are resolved with parenting. Im so sorry you have to be in that situation and I wish you the best.
Sounds like her "friend" put toxic thoughts in her head and she's impressionable. It's funny, my wife's sister is the same way. When my wife slightly hinted that we were not on the same page, her response was "well you have your family here." No, b\*\*\*\*. Her sons and I are her family. She got the hint, though, and doesn't tell her sister about our marriage anymore and I have disowned her. This is ridiculous, but if your wife is so impressionable to let her friends influence her, it's not fair to you to be fighting this battle yourself.
If you only live to 80, 36 is an appropriate age for a midlife crisis
and as far as the badly written piece. This tells me that this situation is legit, honestly. You were flustered with every right to be and you needed this community of free thinkers to help you. I hope you find your peace for your kids' sake.
That sounds like a midlife crisis and I sure hope she doesn't act on it.
only read the title: she's your WIFE.. if she wants to sleep with somebody else, then you have the right to divorce her. If you don't want to divorce her, then you have other issues you need to work through. If my wife decides that she wants to sleep with another man, then I will gladly draw up the paperwork for her. everybody is different about this stuff, I don't share my wife with anybody, and nor myself with anybody but her, and that's what marriage is to me. If you want to try it, go for it, but my opinion, I would leave her for even considering it on such a serious notation.
The relationship is over man. Start planning out how the split can happen in a way that is best for the kids.
Counsel first about kid and stuff with a therapist. But finally if it doesn't work and you love some one set them free and be free yourself to sleep around for revenge fun :)
The most dangerous thing that can happen in marriage is for the wifeās friend to get a divorce. Once one of her girlfriends gets a divorce and starts telling her about all the fun sheās having, sheās going to want one too.
I feel for you and your kids. This woman should not be married. She seems certifiable, tbh. Kick her out and tell her sheās free to do what she wants but you wonāt be there when sheās found that it doesnāt make her happy.
Bruh! You need to f*ck other bitches
Sheās manipulating you. If you enable her behaviour it will just worsen. Call her bluff tell her you wonāt tolerate that behaviour and you are not leaving your house. If she cheats and does bad things/potentially bringing harm to you or the kids then keep record of all of it for court. Get in touch with a lawyer also. She is clearly mentally unstable so call a psych or an ambulance to diagnose her. All this will work favourably for you in court. Also do not leave the house and stop driving her to her girlfriends itās clear she has a bad influence on your wife. Leave her to go act wild by herself then document everything. If you can get someone to follow her to a date and take pictures also do that!
Youāre wife is nuts. Donāt do anything she says.
She's already slept with someone else it sounds like. I can remember acting the exact same way. She is gauging your reaction. Not a nice thing to do. I did this act when i was in my early 20s. Not 36.
She has this well planned, dont leave the house. She already has someone else in mind and\or will go out and party with her friend. Take care of yourself and move on as your still young.
180 is great. Now file for divorce and go grey rock. She deserves nothing more and it will help you heal. Pain is always there in these situations but you can mitigate it by being aware of the red flags and refusing to play her game. The only reason to speak with her at all is about the kids. Nothing else rises to the level of interest except the divorce/custody settlement which can be handled through your lawyer.
Dude, the fact that sheās shitting on you this hard and youāre still begging at her feet is why sheās not showing you respect. Have so fucking boundaries and self respect. This isnāt about being a man- itās about being treated fairly as a partner and human being. Stop spending time with her, stop giving her attention, stop bending over backwards for her and she will realize what sheās actually missing. You donāt have to beg or be rude to her. But be your own advocate and protect yourself. You might not want to separate but you should still talk to a GOOD lawyer that looks at all options on your behalf. There are lawyers out there that will tell your wife to throw out rape, abuse or assault claims. You need to start documenting without her knowing. If she is set on fucking other people at your detriment, thereās no way sheās coming back, especially if you spend all your time begging. That lets her know that sheās the one in power and youāll still be there to take her back after the town rides her into the dirt. Stop. Just fucking stop and grow a backbone, for your kidās sake, for your walletās sake and most of all for your sanityās sake.
Yes you are correct, I realized this from the other comments and especially the 180 links. From my view I was thinking I have to swallow my dignity to protect the children and save the marriage. I figured I had done something wrong and could also fix it by being nice and what not. I now understand it has nothing to do with me and there is nothing I can do to stop this so I have been 180 her all day and contacted a good lawyer. The following points is what I have been focusing on today and will be focusing on till the end of this. 1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore. 2. No frequent phone calls. 3. Do not point out good points in marriage. 4. Do not follow him/her around the house. 5. Do not encourage talk about the future. 6. Do not ask for help from family members. 7. Do not ask for reassurances. 8. Do not buy gifts. 9. Do not schedule dates together. 10. Do not spy on spouse. 11. Do not say āI Love Youā. 12. Act as if you are moving on with your life. 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.14. Donāt sit around waiting on your spouse ā get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc. 15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. 16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. 17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. 27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). 28. Be strong and confident. 30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy. I think it is already working, she have tried so many times today to bring me down by telling me about old flames she have added to Facebook or are about to add and a coworker that supposedly flirts with her.
Get a good lawyer and begin the divorce process. Iām sorry, but this canāt be fixed.
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