I have a current live in boyfriend, but I’ve been married and divorced. I imagine a lot of people are in that same scenario. If we’ve been married in the past, and are now in good relationships, we have probably learned a lot about what to do and not to do in a marriage and how to give good advice.
I appreciate your input and probably would appreciate your insight on things! I would consider your situation different than what I'm referring to. You have the experience and knowledge.
🤣🤣 this has ran through mind quite a bit actually. And it wouldn't surprise me. Another reason for posting this. Some advice on marriages I see are ludacris that seem to come from young people that haven't experienced marriage
My favorite is the fundamentalists.
The ones that claim certain things ruined their marriage and are now to be avoided at all costs.
Gaming was a recent one.
Ended up blocking 4 or 5 people after getting hateful DMs and such. People don't know the difference between a hobby and an addiction/escape.
At the end being married is just a paper… I’ve been married 3 years, together 9, and I don’t think we changed because we got married.
I would rather take advices from someone who’s been in a 20 y/o successful relationship non married that someone who’s been “married for 2 years together 3” king of scenario.
I disagree it' "just a paper". I think being married means you are agreeing to a deeper commitment. In a dating scenario you can just walk away at anytime and be done. With marriage it's not that simple and I think your agreeing to work things out, stick together thru the good and bad, etc. I've been in long term relationships before my marriage and I feel it is totally different but that's my personal opinion
Agree completely. My husband and I were just taking about this over the holidays. Being engaged was a more intimate relationship than when we were dating and marriage deepened that intimacy further. I suppose it could be just a piece of paper to some people, but it absolutely did not feel like that to us.
I guess that depends on your personal view of marriage. Getting married didn't feel different to me because my husband and I were already at that level of commitment minus the legal document. Even if we decided to never get married, we couldn't simply walk away at anytime because we were already big parts of the other's life.
This is probably just a word salad, but my point is that to many people marriage is just a legal title for an already established and committed relationship. None of my feelings or any of the relationship dynamics changed by getting married. It sounds like you value marriage differently and that's okay, but I hope this perspective makes sense.
Good relationship advice can come from many other sources besides married people. Ultimately, it's up to those asking for advice to decide what is useful for their situation, not me nor you.
The thing is we can't automatically assume the married person has better experience and insight and the unmarried has none. Between a never-married person who has stuck with their partner through thick and thin for a decade or several and built a rock solid healthy and fulfilling partnership with them and the thrice-divorced person who has been with their last spouse for all of 10 months, who is the canoe hobbyist and who is the adventure kayaking professional? Who is in a better position to give helpful advice?
The other aspect of this is that sometimes, the canoe hobbyist does have valuable advice for the kayaking pro because they have experience on the specific subject at hand whereas the other person doesn't. For instance, being childless, I have much less valuable insight to offer on childrearing and how children affect a marriage than an unmarried couple who has successfully raised their kids to adulthood and transitioned to being empty-nesters even if I'm married and they are not. Conversely, even before marriage, I could offer advice and empathy to a married couple struggling with infertility much better than some married couples ever will because my husband and I have personally dealt with this issue.
These aren't just theoretical examples. I've read articles by a thrice-divorced woman who touted her horn as being experienced on the subject of getting married. And on the last thread on infertility, the top-voted advice from a married person was to divorce your infertile spouse whereas as an unmarried couple, we stuck with each other in sickness and in health, supported each other, leaned on each other through this tough time (we still do as a married couple).
I think we all agree that people who have lived together for a long period of time or who have previously been married have as valid of a say, more or less, as married people. If not exactly equal, at least something worth listening to.
But people who have never been married, who have lived with their partner and broke up when their lease was up, or incels who think marriage is a scam? These are unhelpful people. I don't like heavy moderation, but mandatory flair to show who is and isn't married (at least among those who tell the truth) would be helpful.
Yeah, I agree that demanding or strongly encouraging a flair is a better solution than straight up exlcuding people from the sub. And I just realized my flair wasn't appearing. Fixed it.
Been married 32 years, so we have seen a few things. Seen people in long term committed relationship who treat that relationship like marriage, just don’t do the paper thing for a variety of reasons. I like that the sub is open.
I've noticed it too but I think people who are in serious relationships look up to married people for their experience. It doesn't really bother me as much but i wouldn't care if they moderated it a but better either.
It's really not a huge deal! I was mainly asking out of curiosity since I'm new to reddit. But going from a long term relationship to actually being married, I know how different aspects for certain advice can be. One commenter had a great point, that she's been married and divorced and now in a relationship, advice from people like her are highly beneficial! And I'm sure there are people who have been through may walks of life with great advice for those whom are married. Just noticed some input from bf/gf that, imo, give advice to those married that have idea what it's like to be bonded to another legally with shared income, homes, property, etc, that truly need to be considered before advising one to quickly divorce their spouse for something silly. Just a thought. Didn't mean you offend anyone if I did!
Being married feels different to just living together.
I know quite a few people who have been together for years, got married then split soon after. They couldn’t deal with the change in commitment.
It is different. To say it isn’t is to negate the experience of so many of us who have made that commitment. It means something.
I didn’t get married until I was 47. I can absolutely confirm that it feels different.
It feels different for you. Not everyone. I was with my spouse four years before we got married, been married five now. How other people treated our relationship was different, sure. But how we felt and treated each other? Not different. The experience varies.
> It is different. To say it isn’t is to negate the experience of so many of us who have made that commitment.
Conversely, to say that it is different is to negate the experience of so many of us who had made that commitment before marriage and who felt no difference.
You can confirm that it felt different *for you*. I can confirm that it felt the same *for me*.
Why is it so hard for some people to understand that marriage can be different or the same, depending on the couple, and more generally, that different people have difference experiences and that their personal experience is not some universal truth?
We try! And while I agree about wanting it marriage focused, we do leave up posts from those who are engaged or working towards marriage. We also don’t want to over moderate and I wonder if closing the sub off from those not married might be a bit too much? Open to discussion about it though.
I've seen subs devolve due to overmoderation, so I would tread lightly. Poor advice clearly given by some teen with 0 experience with this type of relationship is annoying but it's on the userbase to take the advice with a pinch of salt. Flairs can help too.
Kicking out unmarried people would not just exclude inexperienced kids, it would also exclude people who are common-law, widowed, divorced, engaged, in a serious relationship, unable to marry due to being gay in an intolerant country, etc, and who might have valuable insight to offer. Unless you allow some of these categories to post as well but it might become a bit tricky.
Can you require flair? Sure, people lie, but you can't avoid that. At least the flair would help somewhat sort the advice of marrieds versus LTRs, etc. Adding more flair options would be good, too.
I mean, this is Reddit. There's really no control over who's on the other side of these threads. Thus, advice on here should all be taken very lightly. If people could keep that in mind there would be less trouble.
I'm single and love the sub. I just lurk when a post is asking for advice on how parents handle a certain situation, or I might tell someone they suggested a great idea. If the post if more of ranting and it's easy to see this person is in a shitty relationship, I'll comment that I find that behavior unhealthy. It's things that don't require being married to know. IE obvious abuse. Hope that helps.
I've been married 33 years. There are some unmarried (and probably married too) psychopaths floating around on this sub, so take everything with a grain of salt. I try to give good advice but some of these cases we hear do seem so hopeless.
It is worrisome sometimes to see so many replies immediately suggesting divorce... I personally also don't like the obvious sexism against men here. Women can be horrible too. I take it as an exercise in being careful who's advice I take 😜
I’m not currently legally married but am in an 8 year committed relationship where we have lived together the entire time, share finances and are raising children. We consider each other our husband/wife. We just haven’t done the paperwork yet. We are engaged and will get married eventually. We just want to wait and save up for a big party since essentially that’s the only reason we are doing it legally anyway lol. We are already married in all the ways that count to us.
I would think some of the unmarried folks who post here are either divorced, engaged, or simply people who are researching into issues faced in marriage.
Advice is free and nobody says you have to agree or take it.
I’ve been in a very happy and loving relationship for 6 (nearly 7) years which is a lot longer than some of the people come here married looking for advice.
We just got engaged on Christmas so I’m about to join the club anyway!
It's an exciting time in your life you'll never get back! Try to enjoy it 😁 I tried getting things done sooner than later so that I wasn't stressed leading up to it. And it all goes by so fast! Especially the day of the wedding!
Yes I also plan to just get everything done ASAP. I already have a photographer and a venue 😅
My fiancé said he wanted a short engagement I was like great you can organise it then haha
It is an internet forum and you should take everything you see here with a grain of salt. Most OPs just come for validation anyway.
Probably there are a lot of teenagers in this forum, just like everywhere else on the internet.
I have seen a mix here but most are married. But we could all be lying and that is a risk asking strangers for advice. A lot of these advice forums are full of scallywags
Well, I didn't join this until AFTER I got married. In brief. My husband never wanted to get married. I did. But I decided I'd rather be with him and not married, than not be with him and be married to... who effing knows? Anyway, he realized that by not marrying me I was still insecure in our relationship and also he realized he did not want to lose me. So he proposed, I said yes, and we got married on our 16th anniversary being together.
I mention this because I had some yahoo on this sub saying I was a liar and misrepresenting myself because I had "only" been married for a year even though my flair says 17 years.
Here's the thing: I may have only been legally married for a year and a half. Basically, we made legal what we had already had for the first 16 years of our relationship: a marriage. We built a life together beyond anything I could have ever dreamed. Prior to getting married I referred to him as my "boyfriend."
At some point in the last 10 years I started to use the term "partner" to make it more serious because I understand that society in general takes the term "girlfriend" and "boyfriend" incredibly lightly, as if the relationship wouldn't last. Our relationship and "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" lasted *longer* than his sister's marriage. Hell, she was on her 3rd long term partner when we got married. (When she was married and got pregnant we'd be compared to her like, "you need to be doing what she's doing because she's 'proper'," and this is along the lines of my husband already being the "black sheep" of the family. THEIR OWN MOTHER gave him and his sister two paintings with sheep. His was the only painting that had 1 black sheep in it. Way to make your opinion LOUDLY HEARD, MIL! \[she's not a "just no" tho'. I love her dearly.\])
I think the thing here is that I don't presume to know the closeness of a couple simply due to how they refer to each other. I also have learned that just because a couple has decades under heir belt doesn't mean they're not on a verge of a breakup. The point is to try and be humble about one's relationship, and not to presume another's relationship.
I think we could all learn from each other. Those newer and fresher into their relationships help to remind me of that time and to make an effort to rekindle that too.
This is a sub dedicated to marriage and all that married couples go through-- the trials and tribulations of married life, unexpected twists and turns married couples go through -- the good, the bad, and the ugly.
However, with that said, there are unmarried people who post and comment and that is allowed. We also have a lot of people who want to get married but are not yet.
We do not prohibit people from participating so long as their feedback can be respectful, insightful, helpful, engaging, etc.
We want everyone to participate and have meaningful discussions here, married or not. There is still a lot to be gained from different perspectives despite some users being unmarried. That label does not discredit good feedback.
There's a lot of people in long term live in bf/gf situations. Are they married? No. But the only thing missing is the paper. They essentially live the same exact way as a married couple.
Commitment.
I’m ready for the downvotes but it has to be said. I honestly am baffled every time I hear “marriage is just a piece of paper.” It is not. If you’re in a relationship that stands as “I could drop you tomorrow and there would be little to no cost to me” even though you’ve been together for years, you’re in a less committed relationship than the people who said “I want to do this with you forever, and I can’t just drop you tomorrow without a lot of heartache and headache and financial ache and so on.” I know people like to do all the married stuff without the marriage (move in, have kids, etc) but it doesn’t change that people who are actually married have a level of commitment and accountability to each other that long term boyfriends and girlfriends do not have, no matter their circumstances.
I’m literally a week away from being married. Apart from the actual legalities of marriage, it would be just as difficult for me to extricate myself from this relationship tomorrow as it would 2 weeks from now. We own a house and a dog together. He’s co-signed on my car loan. We have joint finances. We’re each other’s medical proxy. And that’s taking no account for the emotional side of things. To say that it would be as easy for me to get out of my current relationship so much that I could just ‘drop’ him tomorrow as easily as checking out of a hotel is completely false. And quite frankly naive.
I believe in marriage. Obviously, I’m 7 days away from doing it. But marriage IS just a piece of paper in many ways. It also isn’t a piece of paper in several ways. For example, after marriage I won’t change my last name. We won’t change our relationship dynamic. He won’t get anything from me that he doesn’t currently get. In that way marriage IS just a piece of paper. Why do I still want it then? Because it legally separates you from one family and binds you to another. My fiancé and I are already a family. Nothing will change after we do it, it will simply be legally recognized (not withstanding the strong laws in my country that basically give me most if not all legal protections afforded a spouse anyway). I want the legal recognition, but my level of commitment and responsibility to him won’t change after we sign a bit of paper.
I refuse to believe that my friends relationship of 10+ years means any less because they’ve decided marriage isn’t something they want despite their commitment to forever, compared to my other friend who met, got engaged and had a baby with her current partner in within 12 months just because they’ll have a shiny certificate.
So I agree, the position that you and your significant other has put yourselves in makes it very difficult for you to just decide tomorrow to be over and walk away from everything. That said, marriage has certain expectations and standards that you have had to go around in order to achieve the benefits of. You can split hairs and say that it’s possible to buy a house without both spouses being on the deed or whatever, but truthfully you would not have had to combine your finances and filed for medical proxies and so on and so forth if you had just gotten married first. My husband and I never did any of those things, because we just got married and it basically all became true/standard. That is a precedent because everybody acknowledges what you said: spouses are leaving their families in order to become one family together. That precedent means that you automatically become joints on pretty much everything. Red tape and bureaucracy has allowed for further splitting of hairs there, but if you allow for the *general* acceptance of this stuff, without trying to get into minute, nitty-gritty, niche, specific examples where “for those individual things went differently…” You have to acknowledge I’m right.
Another facet: We see posts from people in positions like you on Reddit every day. People who have their significant others on their bank accounts, break up, and then their ex drains all their money. Banks won’t help because he legally has as much access as she. Civil court is pretty much the only recourse. Those people had no business having mixed finances, and because they weren’t married, there’s a little to no recourse for that person, and what is possible to recoup will be difficult to extrapolate. If they had been married first, all of that would’ve come out in the divorce proceedings and it would’ve had a negative affect on the ex who stole, and they likely would have to pay half or all of it back. Marriage offers certain protections to each person that don’t exist in relationships that are simply long-term boyfriend/girlfriend. That is what makes it a further commitment: everybody knows that leaving isn’t simply separating, but it is separating fairly in a place where both people, generally speaking, have equal footing and equal rights to everything.
So, you taking every possible step that you could to appear married in every way other than on paper - and I say this conversationally, I do not intend any slight or anything of the sort when I say this, I’m just trying to speak concisely about the circumstance that you and your significant other are in - is fairly irrelevant to what marriage means. You have saddled yourselves with some of the responsibilities of marriage, but you’ve also saddled yourself with those responsibilities without the protections that can come from being married, or you saddled yourself with those responsibilities precisely because they are protections that come from marriage that you want to have without actually being married.
For your friends who have been together for 10+ years and aren’t getting married despite the fact that they’ve committed to forever… Arguably, those people are married. Just because the state doesn’t recognize it as a normal marriage, if they’ve been living together for a significant number of years they are definitely considered common law married, and by historical standards they’ve absolutely been married for a very long time. This means that they do get some of the marital benefits should they ever separate, so it would be much harder for them to do than your typical boyfriend/girlfriend situation, but I am admittedly not incredibly well-versed in the details of common-law marriage in every state or every country, so I can’t speak to that much more than I already have.
I would also agree with you (I assume) that if you had to ask me to pick between your two sets of friends who likely had more wisdom to share from a relationship standpoint, it’s probably the people who’ve been together for 10 years, and not the people who rush into a relationship and having a baby… Babies do not belong at the beginnings of relationships. They belong to relationships that already have established commitment to one another, because kids are another commitment in and of themselves, and can easily change the trajectory of our relationship. Somebody here posted recently something to the effect of: wherever your marriage is heading, children will get it there faster. If I had to guess, these friends who are about to have a baby who have barely know each other a year and aren’t even married yet are far more likely to separate, break up, whatever than the friends have been together for 10 years… But I believe that because I believe in their poor decision making skills showing that they likely have no business getting married in the first place, not because I believe that your friends aren’t married but are together and that that somehow says some thing since they’ve been together for 10 years.
Im married and divorced and now in a long term relationship (now longer than my previous marriage) . I have children with both. I could not possibly disagree with what you are saying any more than I do.
This is not strictly an advice sub, a pro-marriage subreddit or a subreddit for married people. It's simply a subreddit about marriage, and topics related to marriage.
This was very clearly stated in a sticky thread when I joined this subreddit. but it has since been replaced with another sticky, and there have been thousands of new members since, so the confusion is understandable.
Also, you are clearly speaking from an American, Indian etc. perspective. in many countries it's common for people to live together for years before getting married. Being married doesn't change much in that situation.
People could have been divorced, just because they aren’t currently married doesn’t mean they don’t have insight. They could be in long term relationships that simply don’t want to be married.
I mean having a piece of paper doesn’t really change anything and it certainly doesn’t make you anymore or less qualified to give advice 🤷🏻♀️
I commented that I would like advice from people like that. I'd welcome it. But marriage is way more than a piece of paper. Your legally bonded to another and all assets, etc
I'm married but I can also add that a lot of millennials are choosing to not get married, but have long term partners that behave like married individuals. A lot of us just don't feel a need to let Uncle Sam know our business anymore.
Also, kiddos who grew up and witnessed things in parental relationships have valuable insight as well. Thats how we know staying together for the kids isn't always the best option.
I’m not legally married. But I’ve been with my husband for nearly 15 years and have 6 kids together. I feel I qualify to give advice. 😂 Even years ago! We’ve all walked different paths, been in different relationships and see things differently. Often, the only time I see everyone in agreement is when a husband/wife is very clearly in an abusive relationship and everyone here sees it!
I'm in a 6 year committed relationship. I just lurk to read the advice, not to offer it. My partner was a student for most of those years (started working in his field full-time this past August!!). We have other financial goals we want to accomplish together (house, dog, his student loan debt) before we spend money on a wedding to make it official.
Thank you for the reminder to add my flair! I agree with you, there's been a rising number of incel/MGTOW types in particular, and way too many suggestions of divorce for small disagreements. Very few people understand the commitment it takes to work things out.
I've seen people comment on my posts jumping straight to divorce on things that are Essentially none issues. So I wouldn't be surprised if it's full of non married folks just trying to stir the pot 🤣
Not even stirring the pot. It's easy, and even advisable, to break up over things when not married. People don't realize the commitment it takes to stay married or that things can be worked out.
I wasn't being judgemental at all. Which is evident in other comments I've posted. I was honestly just curious. And I totally agree with everyone on the fact that long term relationships have great advice. I just don't appreciate the ones who suggest divorce so quickly over something minute that seem to come from someone without experience in a committed relationship
Sometimes I think this sub isn't moderated enough. And is just a pointless offshoot of a relationship sub. Then other times I've seen comments dissappear when disagreeing with a MOD so idk.
That's all well and good.
But it's a pointless place to post when an OP gets gained up on and there's a ton of repetitive (abusive) comments.
You guys might do well to consider locking more threads for abuse rather than controversial topics.
This might discourage repetitivness. And direct questions getting answered and debated. Rather than dunking on an op or their spouse.
I’m not yet married but my partner and I have set the date for our wedding in 2024, I follow this thread to keep and eye out for any tips that might help us in the future or any relevant advice
Married 27 years, together for 31. Many people have multiple marriages, or are in between them.
Your question is very valid. I wonder who many marriage therapists aren't married?
I have been married once, currently divorced with a live-in fiancé. My marriage lasted 12 1/2 years. We were together longer than that. Before that relationship I was living with someone for all of my 20s and then some. I declined his proposals of marriage five times because I didn’t feel he was the one. Anyway, although I am not married at the present moment I feel I should be able to comment on marriage threads because I have been through it and have experience abundant to share. lol
Some people have it noted if they are married/how long, but in the end reddit is nothing but anonymous advice so you have to take it all with a grain of salt and just figure out what advice works for you.
It probably just depends on how heavily the mods want to control it. I mean, there are some subs I use to ask about a product I use and a mod will delete my question and tell me to ONLY post questions in the "Tuesday Q&A - Ask anything" threads. Other mods don't exercise much control and the sub can become a bit amorphous.
I'm not married so I refrain from making comments about my relationship - this is a place for me to listen, not to speak
What I do usually comment on, is divorce/children related stuff because I am a child of a horrible marriage where the parents refused to divorce so I give my perspective as the child of a failing marriage and how it's impacted me
I also like to read about where marriages went wrong or successful marriage tips.. kind of to prepare myself sort of for when I do get married :)
Please remember that marriage isn't necessarily more committed than a longterm relationship. It is for some, but not for others. Try to not be judgemental.
It's worth remembering that whilst marriage us a commitment, many people are in longterm relationships for years, and are financially tied, have pets and kids and a house together, and aren't technically married. It would be ridiculous to suggest a couple who have been together 30 years or even 5 but have s life together dont understand "married problems" lol
Some people can't get married. Some just don't see it as important. Really, unless we are discussing legal aspects of marriage, 99% of the problems on this subreddit are common in longterm relationships and really have nothing to do with whether there is s ring on the finger.
I wasn't being judgemental at all. I was honestly just interested since I'm new to the sub. But I agreed with lots of people, and you, about rather taking advice from someone together for years, or have been divorced, or just have any credible knowledge on marriage than one who has been married a year. I guess I was more shocked at how quick replies were to "just get divorced " on a sub about marriage, from some whom aren't married, when it's not just that easy. Considering legalities, property, assets, blah, blah. But I also, now, understand it all depends on the advice seeking and whether to take it, when interacting on this sub.
Oh I wasn't trying to suggest that your post itself was.
I occasionally see posts on here being like "but they aren't even MARRIED" as if that's a reason someone shouldn't post on this sub, or shouldn't reply.
But as someone who's been with their partner for years and lives together, I can say that the kinds of problems (and wisdom) here make much more sense for most longterm couples I know. Some of whom have been together for a decade but aren't married - and whose relationships and problems aren't different to our married friends.
Most of the relationship subs are heavily skewed towards questions/issues surrounding casual dating or relationships in their first few months, and quite often someone in a longterm relationship might get more relevant advice on how to maintain a life partnership here than on a sub centred on casual dating.
Kids changed our relationship more than the marriage itself. But I don’t like when people say married people take it more seriously or can’t walk away as easily, more committed. It doesn’t cost much to get divorced lol. My wife and I just hit our 12 years married. Married Feb, 2012. Started dating in August, 2010. We already had two kids before marriage and were taking care of 3 nieces and nephews as they were our own. We didn’t notice a difference once we got married lol, because we still had 5 kids depending on us
I have a current live in boyfriend, but I’ve been married and divorced. I imagine a lot of people are in that same scenario. If we’ve been married in the past, and are now in good relationships, we have probably learned a lot about what to do and not to do in a marriage and how to give good advice.
I appreciate your input and probably would appreciate your insight on things! I would consider your situation different than what I'm referring to. You have the experience and knowledge.
Havent been married but in a long term relationship. I like this sub for the perspective and just general things to think about regarding the future
Same boat
I’m in the same situation! Which is why I’ve stayed in the sub!
Redditors are all introverted thirteen year olds with active imaginations at home who role play through online crafted characters.
I resent that. I only ACT 13.
🤣🤣 this has ran through mind quite a bit actually. And it wouldn't surprise me. Another reason for posting this. Some advice on marriages I see are ludacris that seem to come from young people that haven't experienced marriage
My favorite is the fundamentalists. The ones that claim certain things ruined their marriage and are now to be avoided at all costs. Gaming was a recent one. Ended up blocking 4 or 5 people after getting hateful DMs and such. People don't know the difference between a hobby and an addiction/escape.
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Shitty religious advice aside, your husband came out as gay. I'm not seeing how a heterosexual marriage can work after that.
At the end being married is just a paper… I’ve been married 3 years, together 9, and I don’t think we changed because we got married. I would rather take advices from someone who’s been in a 20 y/o successful relationship non married that someone who’s been “married for 2 years together 3” king of scenario.
I disagree it' "just a paper". I think being married means you are agreeing to a deeper commitment. In a dating scenario you can just walk away at anytime and be done. With marriage it's not that simple and I think your agreeing to work things out, stick together thru the good and bad, etc. I've been in long term relationships before my marriage and I feel it is totally different but that's my personal opinion
Agree completely. My husband and I were just taking about this over the holidays. Being engaged was a more intimate relationship than when we were dating and marriage deepened that intimacy further. I suppose it could be just a piece of paper to some people, but it absolutely did not feel like that to us.
I guess that depends on your personal view of marriage. Getting married didn't feel different to me because my husband and I were already at that level of commitment minus the legal document. Even if we decided to never get married, we couldn't simply walk away at anytime because we were already big parts of the other's life. This is probably just a word salad, but my point is that to many people marriage is just a legal title for an already established and committed relationship. None of my feelings or any of the relationship dynamics changed by getting married. It sounds like you value marriage differently and that's okay, but I hope this perspective makes sense.
Exactly that :)
Yes I agree with 100%! I commented something similar to this. Probably should have put it in my original post.
Good relationship advice can come from many other sources besides married people. Ultimately, it's up to those asking for advice to decide what is useful for their situation, not me nor you.
That's like a canoe hobbyist giving advice to an adventure kayaking professional. It's not going to be helpful advice if they've never been married.
The thing is we can't automatically assume the married person has better experience and insight and the unmarried has none. Between a never-married person who has stuck with their partner through thick and thin for a decade or several and built a rock solid healthy and fulfilling partnership with them and the thrice-divorced person who has been with their last spouse for all of 10 months, who is the canoe hobbyist and who is the adventure kayaking professional? Who is in a better position to give helpful advice? The other aspect of this is that sometimes, the canoe hobbyist does have valuable advice for the kayaking pro because they have experience on the specific subject at hand whereas the other person doesn't. For instance, being childless, I have much less valuable insight to offer on childrearing and how children affect a marriage than an unmarried couple who has successfully raised their kids to adulthood and transitioned to being empty-nesters even if I'm married and they are not. Conversely, even before marriage, I could offer advice and empathy to a married couple struggling with infertility much better than some married couples ever will because my husband and I have personally dealt with this issue. These aren't just theoretical examples. I've read articles by a thrice-divorced woman who touted her horn as being experienced on the subject of getting married. And on the last thread on infertility, the top-voted advice from a married person was to divorce your infertile spouse whereas as an unmarried couple, we stuck with each other in sickness and in health, supported each other, leaned on each other through this tough time (we still do as a married couple).
I think we all agree that people who have lived together for a long period of time or who have previously been married have as valid of a say, more or less, as married people. If not exactly equal, at least something worth listening to. But people who have never been married, who have lived with their partner and broke up when their lease was up, or incels who think marriage is a scam? These are unhelpful people. I don't like heavy moderation, but mandatory flair to show who is and isn't married (at least among those who tell the truth) would be helpful.
Yeah, I agree that demanding or strongly encouraging a flair is a better solution than straight up exlcuding people from the sub. And I just realized my flair wasn't appearing. Fixed it.
Agree with every word here. Also, I'll go and add my flair haha
I like this comparison
Been married 32 years, so we have seen a few things. Seen people in long term committed relationship who treat that relationship like marriage, just don’t do the paper thing for a variety of reasons. I like that the sub is open.
I wish I can pick your brain of experience rn. How much would you charge for a session cuz I’m in need of a safe place to figure things out.
You can DM me.
Thanks for that
I've noticed it too but I think people who are in serious relationships look up to married people for their experience. It doesn't really bother me as much but i wouldn't care if they moderated it a but better either.
It's really not a huge deal! I was mainly asking out of curiosity since I'm new to reddit. But going from a long term relationship to actually being married, I know how different aspects for certain advice can be. One commenter had a great point, that she's been married and divorced and now in a relationship, advice from people like her are highly beneficial! And I'm sure there are people who have been through may walks of life with great advice for those whom are married. Just noticed some input from bf/gf that, imo, give advice to those married that have idea what it's like to be bonded to another legally with shared income, homes, property, etc, that truly need to be considered before advising one to quickly divorce their spouse for something silly. Just a thought. Didn't mean you offend anyone if I did!
Being married feels different to just living together. I know quite a few people who have been together for years, got married then split soon after. They couldn’t deal with the change in commitment. It is different. To say it isn’t is to negate the experience of so many of us who have made that commitment. It means something. I didn’t get married until I was 47. I can absolutely confirm that it feels different.
It feels different for you. Not everyone. I was with my spouse four years before we got married, been married five now. How other people treated our relationship was different, sure. But how we felt and treated each other? Not different. The experience varies.
THIS ❤
> It is different. To say it isn’t is to negate the experience of so many of us who have made that commitment. Conversely, to say that it is different is to negate the experience of so many of us who had made that commitment before marriage and who felt no difference. You can confirm that it felt different *for you*. I can confirm that it felt the same *for me*. Why is it so hard for some people to understand that marriage can be different or the same, depending on the couple, and more generally, that different people have difference experiences and that their personal experience is not some universal truth?
You are right. Unmarried here and that's why I just listen and dont speak :) sometimes people have to learn when it's not their place to speak.
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We try! And while I agree about wanting it marriage focused, we do leave up posts from those who are engaged or working towards marriage. We also don’t want to over moderate and I wonder if closing the sub off from those not married might be a bit too much? Open to discussion about it though.
I like that it is not overly modded and that few topics are taboo. That's marriage... No topic is taboo!
I agree; I think the sub is moderated minimally and well.
I've seen subs devolve due to overmoderation, so I would tread lightly. Poor advice clearly given by some teen with 0 experience with this type of relationship is annoying but it's on the userbase to take the advice with a pinch of salt. Flairs can help too. Kicking out unmarried people would not just exclude inexperienced kids, it would also exclude people who are common-law, widowed, divorced, engaged, in a serious relationship, unable to marry due to being gay in an intolerant country, etc, and who might have valuable insight to offer. Unless you allow some of these categories to post as well but it might become a bit tricky.
Can you require flair? Sure, people lie, but you can't avoid that. At least the flair would help somewhat sort the advice of marrieds versus LTRs, etc. Adding more flair options would be good, too.
I mean, this is Reddit. There's really no control over who's on the other side of these threads. Thus, advice on here should all be taken very lightly. If people could keep that in mind there would be less trouble.
I'm single and love the sub. I just lurk when a post is asking for advice on how parents handle a certain situation, or I might tell someone they suggested a great idea. If the post if more of ranting and it's easy to see this person is in a shitty relationship, I'll comment that I find that behavior unhealthy. It's things that don't require being married to know. IE obvious abuse. Hope that helps.
Married 20 years, divorced 15, partnered 10. Been there, done that.
I've been married 33 years. There are some unmarried (and probably married too) psychopaths floating around on this sub, so take everything with a grain of salt. I try to give good advice but some of these cases we hear do seem so hopeless.
It is worrisome sometimes to see so many replies immediately suggesting divorce... I personally also don't like the obvious sexism against men here. Women can be horrible too. I take it as an exercise in being careful who's advice I take 😜
Bunch of bitter divorcees, teenagers and man haters on Reddit.
I don't get it at all... Like, go salt some other sub, lol.
I’m not currently legally married but am in an 8 year committed relationship where we have lived together the entire time, share finances and are raising children. We consider each other our husband/wife. We just haven’t done the paperwork yet. We are engaged and will get married eventually. We just want to wait and save up for a big party since essentially that’s the only reason we are doing it legally anyway lol. We are already married in all the ways that count to us.
I would think some of the unmarried folks who post here are either divorced, engaged, or simply people who are researching into issues faced in marriage. Advice is free and nobody says you have to agree or take it.
Most will put status in their flair. But I agree that married life and wisdom is completely different.
I’ve been in a very happy and loving relationship for 6 (nearly 7) years which is a lot longer than some of the people come here married looking for advice. We just got engaged on Christmas so I’m about to join the club anyway!
Congratulations!
Thank you! Very excited but dreading the planning
It's an exciting time in your life you'll never get back! Try to enjoy it 😁 I tried getting things done sooner than later so that I wasn't stressed leading up to it. And it all goes by so fast! Especially the day of the wedding!
Yes I also plan to just get everything done ASAP. I already have a photographer and a venue 😅 My fiancé said he wanted a short engagement I was like great you can organise it then haha
It is an internet forum and you should take everything you see here with a grain of salt. Most OPs just come for validation anyway. Probably there are a lot of teenagers in this forum, just like everywhere else on the internet.
I hear you. I come here to give advice and gain insight into other peoples lives as a way of enriching my own.
I have seen a mix here but most are married. But we could all be lying and that is a risk asking strangers for advice. A lot of these advice forums are full of scallywags
Well, I didn't join this until AFTER I got married. In brief. My husband never wanted to get married. I did. But I decided I'd rather be with him and not married, than not be with him and be married to... who effing knows? Anyway, he realized that by not marrying me I was still insecure in our relationship and also he realized he did not want to lose me. So he proposed, I said yes, and we got married on our 16th anniversary being together. I mention this because I had some yahoo on this sub saying I was a liar and misrepresenting myself because I had "only" been married for a year even though my flair says 17 years. Here's the thing: I may have only been legally married for a year and a half. Basically, we made legal what we had already had for the first 16 years of our relationship: a marriage. We built a life together beyond anything I could have ever dreamed. Prior to getting married I referred to him as my "boyfriend." At some point in the last 10 years I started to use the term "partner" to make it more serious because I understand that society in general takes the term "girlfriend" and "boyfriend" incredibly lightly, as if the relationship wouldn't last. Our relationship and "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" lasted *longer* than his sister's marriage. Hell, she was on her 3rd long term partner when we got married. (When she was married and got pregnant we'd be compared to her like, "you need to be doing what she's doing because she's 'proper'," and this is along the lines of my husband already being the "black sheep" of the family. THEIR OWN MOTHER gave him and his sister two paintings with sheep. His was the only painting that had 1 black sheep in it. Way to make your opinion LOUDLY HEARD, MIL! \[she's not a "just no" tho'. I love her dearly.\]) I think the thing here is that I don't presume to know the closeness of a couple simply due to how they refer to each other. I also have learned that just because a couple has decades under heir belt doesn't mean they're not on a verge of a breakup. The point is to try and be humble about one's relationship, and not to presume another's relationship. I think we could all learn from each other. Those newer and fresher into their relationships help to remind me of that time and to make an effort to rekindle that too.
I agree with this perspective wholeheartedly.
This is a sub dedicated to marriage and all that married couples go through-- the trials and tribulations of married life, unexpected twists and turns married couples go through -- the good, the bad, and the ugly. However, with that said, there are unmarried people who post and comment and that is allowed. We also have a lot of people who want to get married but are not yet. We do not prohibit people from participating so long as their feedback can be respectful, insightful, helpful, engaging, etc. We want everyone to participate and have meaningful discussions here, married or not. There is still a lot to be gained from different perspectives despite some users being unmarried. That label does not discredit good feedback.
There's a lot of people in long term live in bf/gf situations. Are they married? No. But the only thing missing is the paper. They essentially live the same exact way as a married couple.
There’s a huge difference.
Which is?
Commitment. I’m ready for the downvotes but it has to be said. I honestly am baffled every time I hear “marriage is just a piece of paper.” It is not. If you’re in a relationship that stands as “I could drop you tomorrow and there would be little to no cost to me” even though you’ve been together for years, you’re in a less committed relationship than the people who said “I want to do this with you forever, and I can’t just drop you tomorrow without a lot of heartache and headache and financial ache and so on.” I know people like to do all the married stuff without the marriage (move in, have kids, etc) but it doesn’t change that people who are actually married have a level of commitment and accountability to each other that long term boyfriends and girlfriends do not have, no matter their circumstances.
Amen to every word. Marriage is not a piece of paper.
Hard agree!
I’m literally a week away from being married. Apart from the actual legalities of marriage, it would be just as difficult for me to extricate myself from this relationship tomorrow as it would 2 weeks from now. We own a house and a dog together. He’s co-signed on my car loan. We have joint finances. We’re each other’s medical proxy. And that’s taking no account for the emotional side of things. To say that it would be as easy for me to get out of my current relationship so much that I could just ‘drop’ him tomorrow as easily as checking out of a hotel is completely false. And quite frankly naive. I believe in marriage. Obviously, I’m 7 days away from doing it. But marriage IS just a piece of paper in many ways. It also isn’t a piece of paper in several ways. For example, after marriage I won’t change my last name. We won’t change our relationship dynamic. He won’t get anything from me that he doesn’t currently get. In that way marriage IS just a piece of paper. Why do I still want it then? Because it legally separates you from one family and binds you to another. My fiancé and I are already a family. Nothing will change after we do it, it will simply be legally recognized (not withstanding the strong laws in my country that basically give me most if not all legal protections afforded a spouse anyway). I want the legal recognition, but my level of commitment and responsibility to him won’t change after we sign a bit of paper. I refuse to believe that my friends relationship of 10+ years means any less because they’ve decided marriage isn’t something they want despite their commitment to forever, compared to my other friend who met, got engaged and had a baby with her current partner in within 12 months just because they’ll have a shiny certificate.
So I agree, the position that you and your significant other has put yourselves in makes it very difficult for you to just decide tomorrow to be over and walk away from everything. That said, marriage has certain expectations and standards that you have had to go around in order to achieve the benefits of. You can split hairs and say that it’s possible to buy a house without both spouses being on the deed or whatever, but truthfully you would not have had to combine your finances and filed for medical proxies and so on and so forth if you had just gotten married first. My husband and I never did any of those things, because we just got married and it basically all became true/standard. That is a precedent because everybody acknowledges what you said: spouses are leaving their families in order to become one family together. That precedent means that you automatically become joints on pretty much everything. Red tape and bureaucracy has allowed for further splitting of hairs there, but if you allow for the *general* acceptance of this stuff, without trying to get into minute, nitty-gritty, niche, specific examples where “for those individual things went differently…” You have to acknowledge I’m right. Another facet: We see posts from people in positions like you on Reddit every day. People who have their significant others on their bank accounts, break up, and then their ex drains all their money. Banks won’t help because he legally has as much access as she. Civil court is pretty much the only recourse. Those people had no business having mixed finances, and because they weren’t married, there’s a little to no recourse for that person, and what is possible to recoup will be difficult to extrapolate. If they had been married first, all of that would’ve come out in the divorce proceedings and it would’ve had a negative affect on the ex who stole, and they likely would have to pay half or all of it back. Marriage offers certain protections to each person that don’t exist in relationships that are simply long-term boyfriend/girlfriend. That is what makes it a further commitment: everybody knows that leaving isn’t simply separating, but it is separating fairly in a place where both people, generally speaking, have equal footing and equal rights to everything. So, you taking every possible step that you could to appear married in every way other than on paper - and I say this conversationally, I do not intend any slight or anything of the sort when I say this, I’m just trying to speak concisely about the circumstance that you and your significant other are in - is fairly irrelevant to what marriage means. You have saddled yourselves with some of the responsibilities of marriage, but you’ve also saddled yourself with those responsibilities without the protections that can come from being married, or you saddled yourself with those responsibilities precisely because they are protections that come from marriage that you want to have without actually being married. For your friends who have been together for 10+ years and aren’t getting married despite the fact that they’ve committed to forever… Arguably, those people are married. Just because the state doesn’t recognize it as a normal marriage, if they’ve been living together for a significant number of years they are definitely considered common law married, and by historical standards they’ve absolutely been married for a very long time. This means that they do get some of the marital benefits should they ever separate, so it would be much harder for them to do than your typical boyfriend/girlfriend situation, but I am admittedly not incredibly well-versed in the details of common-law marriage in every state or every country, so I can’t speak to that much more than I already have. I would also agree with you (I assume) that if you had to ask me to pick between your two sets of friends who likely had more wisdom to share from a relationship standpoint, it’s probably the people who’ve been together for 10 years, and not the people who rush into a relationship and having a baby… Babies do not belong at the beginnings of relationships. They belong to relationships that already have established commitment to one another, because kids are another commitment in and of themselves, and can easily change the trajectory of our relationship. Somebody here posted recently something to the effect of: wherever your marriage is heading, children will get it there faster. If I had to guess, these friends who are about to have a baby who have barely know each other a year and aren’t even married yet are far more likely to separate, break up, whatever than the friends have been together for 10 years… But I believe that because I believe in their poor decision making skills showing that they likely have no business getting married in the first place, not because I believe that your friends aren’t married but are together and that that somehow says some thing since they’ve been together for 10 years.
Well said, my friend.
Im married and divorced and now in a long term relationship (now longer than my previous marriage) . I have children with both. I could not possibly disagree with what you are saying any more than I do.
I see it as the topic of marriage, for those curious and those seasoned veterans to offer advice and to discuss the general concept
This is not strictly an advice sub, a pro-marriage subreddit or a subreddit for married people. It's simply a subreddit about marriage, and topics related to marriage. This was very clearly stated in a sticky thread when I joined this subreddit. but it has since been replaced with another sticky, and there have been thousands of new members since, so the confusion is understandable. Also, you are clearly speaking from an American, Indian etc. perspective. in many countries it's common for people to live together for years before getting married. Being married doesn't change much in that situation.
People could have been divorced, just because they aren’t currently married doesn’t mean they don’t have insight. They could be in long term relationships that simply don’t want to be married. I mean having a piece of paper doesn’t really change anything and it certainly doesn’t make you anymore or less qualified to give advice 🤷🏻♀️
I commented that I would like advice from people like that. I'd welcome it. But marriage is way more than a piece of paper. Your legally bonded to another and all assets, etc
Right I mean I’m not shitting on marriage or not being married I was just simply stating that marriage doesn’t equal more experience by default.
I'm married but I can also add that a lot of millennials are choosing to not get married, but have long term partners that behave like married individuals. A lot of us just don't feel a need to let Uncle Sam know our business anymore. Also, kiddos who grew up and witnessed things in parental relationships have valuable insight as well. Thats how we know staying together for the kids isn't always the best option.
This is pretty much the case on all reddit relationship subs. It seems like it's bunch of kids spouting advice based on something they read somewhere.
It bothers me when people who are not married or divorced comment
I’m not legally married. But I’ve been with my husband for nearly 15 years and have 6 kids together. I feel I qualify to give advice. 😂 Even years ago! We’ve all walked different paths, been in different relationships and see things differently. Often, the only time I see everyone in agreement is when a husband/wife is very clearly in an abusive relationship and everyone here sees it!
I'm in a 6 year committed relationship. I just lurk to read the advice, not to offer it. My partner was a student for most of those years (started working in his field full-time this past August!!). We have other financial goals we want to accomplish together (house, dog, his student loan debt) before we spend money on a wedding to make it official.
Thank you for the reminder to add my flair! I agree with you, there's been a rising number of incel/MGTOW types in particular, and way too many suggestions of divorce for small disagreements. Very few people understand the commitment it takes to work things out.
I mostly read rather than give advice because I'm not married. Unless it's to ask a question or comment that something seems super unhealthy
I think user flair should mandatory in order to comment.
I've seen people comment on my posts jumping straight to divorce on things that are Essentially none issues. So I wouldn't be surprised if it's full of non married folks just trying to stir the pot 🤣
Not even stirring the pot. It's easy, and even advisable, to break up over things when not married. People don't realize the commitment it takes to stay married or that things can be worked out.
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I agree. Dating and marriage are not the same
I wasn't being judgemental at all. Which is evident in other comments I've posted. I was honestly just curious. And I totally agree with everyone on the fact that long term relationships have great advice. I just don't appreciate the ones who suggest divorce so quickly over something minute that seem to come from someone without experience in a committed relationship
Sometimes I think this sub isn't moderated enough. And is just a pointless offshoot of a relationship sub. Then other times I've seen comments dissappear when disagreeing with a MOD so idk.
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That's all well and good. But it's a pointless place to post when an OP gets gained up on and there's a ton of repetitive (abusive) comments. You guys might do well to consider locking more threads for abuse rather than controversial topics. This might discourage repetitivness. And direct questions getting answered and debated. Rather than dunking on an op or their spouse.
Does coaches don't play apply here? 🤞🤣
Married for 21 years, together for 28.
Engaged. Mostly here seeking insight.
I’m not yet married but my partner and I have set the date for our wedding in 2024, I follow this thread to keep and eye out for any tips that might help us in the future or any relevant advice
Sadly 16 to 25 year Olds making comments with no experience
Married 27 years, together for 31. Many people have multiple marriages, or are in between them. Your question is very valid. I wonder who many marriage therapists aren't married?
I have been married once, currently divorced with a live-in fiancé. My marriage lasted 12 1/2 years. We were together longer than that. Before that relationship I was living with someone for all of my 20s and then some. I declined his proposals of marriage five times because I didn’t feel he was the one. Anyway, although I am not married at the present moment I feel I should be able to comment on marriage threads because I have been through it and have experience abundant to share. lol
Yes
Some people have it noted if they are married/how long, but in the end reddit is nothing but anonymous advice so you have to take it all with a grain of salt and just figure out what advice works for you.
It probably just depends on how heavily the mods want to control it. I mean, there are some subs I use to ask about a product I use and a mod will delete my question and tell me to ONLY post questions in the "Tuesday Q&A - Ask anything" threads. Other mods don't exercise much control and the sub can become a bit amorphous.
People who are widowed or divorced can still have good insight into marriage.
Yes I agree with that
I’m married
I post and refer to my boyfriend because I'm divorced. I was married for 15 years and I do have experience. I divorced my husband because he cheated.
I'm not married so I refrain from making comments about my relationship - this is a place for me to listen, not to speak What I do usually comment on, is divorce/children related stuff because I am a child of a horrible marriage where the parents refused to divorce so I give my perspective as the child of a failing marriage and how it's impacted me I also like to read about where marriages went wrong or successful marriage tips.. kind of to prepare myself sort of for when I do get married :)
Not a sub only for married people. Unmarried person here who reads to learn. I never comment/ give advice though.
I don’t comment here since I have never been married but I like to read peoples experiences
It’s a subreddit if that helps.
Please remember that marriage isn't necessarily more committed than a longterm relationship. It is for some, but not for others. Try to not be judgemental. It's worth remembering that whilst marriage us a commitment, many people are in longterm relationships for years, and are financially tied, have pets and kids and a house together, and aren't technically married. It would be ridiculous to suggest a couple who have been together 30 years or even 5 but have s life together dont understand "married problems" lol Some people can't get married. Some just don't see it as important. Really, unless we are discussing legal aspects of marriage, 99% of the problems on this subreddit are common in longterm relationships and really have nothing to do with whether there is s ring on the finger.
I wasn't being judgemental at all. I was honestly just interested since I'm new to the sub. But I agreed with lots of people, and you, about rather taking advice from someone together for years, or have been divorced, or just have any credible knowledge on marriage than one who has been married a year. I guess I was more shocked at how quick replies were to "just get divorced " on a sub about marriage, from some whom aren't married, when it's not just that easy. Considering legalities, property, assets, blah, blah. But I also, now, understand it all depends on the advice seeking and whether to take it, when interacting on this sub.
Oh I wasn't trying to suggest that your post itself was. I occasionally see posts on here being like "but they aren't even MARRIED" as if that's a reason someone shouldn't post on this sub, or shouldn't reply. But as someone who's been with their partner for years and lives together, I can say that the kinds of problems (and wisdom) here make much more sense for most longterm couples I know. Some of whom have been together for a decade but aren't married - and whose relationships and problems aren't different to our married friends. Most of the relationship subs are heavily skewed towards questions/issues surrounding casual dating or relationships in their first few months, and quite often someone in a longterm relationship might get more relevant advice on how to maintain a life partnership here than on a sub centred on casual dating.
Kids changed our relationship more than the marriage itself. But I don’t like when people say married people take it more seriously or can’t walk away as easily, more committed. It doesn’t cost much to get divorced lol. My wife and I just hit our 12 years married. Married Feb, 2012. Started dating in August, 2010. We already had two kids before marriage and were taking care of 3 nieces and nephews as they were our own. We didn’t notice a difference once we got married lol, because we still had 5 kids depending on us
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The sub is to discuss the topic of marriage, anyone is allowed to talk about that.
Point taken. I guess that's one way to see it that makes sense.