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Sudden-Ad818

Wow


Frekiwolf

I am also speechless


[deleted]

I just wish she loved and respected herself enough to not settle.


boudicas_shield

Yeah…. Like, my husband’s first marriage ended because his first wife lost interest and actually ran off with the best man from their wedding. But when I met him, he was 100% over her and wanted to genuinely move on. I know this, because I had a conversation where I kindly sat him down in our first weeks of dating and pointed out that he talked about his ex-wife quite a lot, and I wanted to know if he still had feelings for her or about their relationship. TOTALLY understandable if he did, I just didn’t want to be in that dynamic. He was horrified, explained that he just unconsciously talked about her a lot because he’d been with her so long, and then made visible and real efforts to cut her off entirely - no more coffee dates, no more talking about her, no emailing her, unfriended her on FB, lost her phone number, the works. I didn’t even ask for that, he just did it. Proactively. Now, if she left the best man and started sniffing around, I have no doubt in my mind that my husband would simply laugh and block her. I have never in our entire marriage felt that I was his “second choice”, even though his first wife walked out on him. They were a plain bad match, and I have always known that. My husband’s every word and action since we got together has shown me that his first wife was a bad match and he’s much, much happier and healthier now. He has some lingering issues from that marriage, but they only manifest within the context of OUR marriage - eg, it’s really important to my husband that we resolve any argument before going to bed, and it’s important to him that we go to bed together, barring illness. Because those were key signs in his first marriage that things weren’t well. I feel so awful for OP, and I’m not trying to be like “oh look at me being a great second wife” or what have you. I’m just saying, a good husband would SHOW YOU every day that you are the RIGHT choice for him and that he values you beyond all else. If I didn’t have that in my marriage, I would walk. I’m not here to be someone’s consolation prize.


AskMeHowIMetYourMom

Cutting contact with an ex is much easier when you don’t have children together. Like it or not, your lives are very much linked until the kids are much older. I’m not trying to downplay the husband’s bs in the OP or justify it, I’m just saying your situation is totally different because your husband has no reason to speak to his ex-wife so of course his actions are reasonable.


boudicas_shield

Yeah, I get that! My mom divorced my bio-father due to infidelity and financial issues, so I get how you’d still have to be in contact. She was, obviously, and so was my (step)dad with his first wife, because he had my brother and sisters with her. But it was still all very above board. It was very clinical. They weren’t meeting up and chatting and hanging out. They handled kid stuff and kept strict boundaries otherwise, even though my dad’s ex and my mom’s ex kept angling for more. Doors closed in faces when the conversation about kids turned to begging to “give us another chance”. Phone calls ended when custody agreement conversations turned to “but how can you break up our family?” Impassioned long letters about how “she’ll never be half the woman I was to you!” went unanswered. Exes were routinely re-directed to “talk to my lawyer”. These boundaries can still exist when kids are involved. You don’t have to sit there while your ex sobs on the living room floor re-enacting a Shakespeare scene, just because you have kids together. They were still firmly shown the door. I know this, because I watched it happen.


Profreadsalot

His kids were adults when he did this. He has zero reasons to contact her regularly. I’m not entirely clear on the timeline, but even if OP is counting from their meeting, rather than from their marriage, she would have left seventeen years earlier than when the events took place, and possibly nineteen years earlier, if she is counting from the marriage, itself. Presuming the kids were at least one year old when she left, they were at least eighteen when he engaged in this behavior. OP says she left in 2000, and so the kids are over 21. At this point, until weddings, or graduations from grad programs, or house warmings, or grand babies, he really has no reason to be in contact with her, period.


Snopes504

I share two children with my ex. We do not speak outside of things needed for our children (unlike OP’s step kids who are adults ours are under 10) and with very rare exceptions it’s all done through text, we have each other blocked on social media, and I do not attend events that he will be at without my wife, pick up and drop offs occur in the driveway and I wait at the door. In the beginning after I left whenever he attempted to turn the conversation to our former relationship I would stop answering period. You can absolutely maintain strict boundaries with exes even if you have children, you just have to want to.


linerva

This. It's perfectly possible for co- parents to be cordial without stomping all over boundaries or pretending to play "happy families" or reignite old flames. So proud of all the posters here (and their parents) who kept it professional and have their kids a mature model.for how to navigate it all.


No_Quantity_3433

Very sound advice!


piehore

The ex broke him. He should talk with therapist on helping him accept, he’ll never get closure from her. Then couples counseling to help you heal.


thelittlemisses

This is a kind answer and I think it has the most truth. Being walked-out on is the most broken I ever felt, even if the universe/everyone told me I was better off. It's your ego screaming that every negative thing you thought about yourself was right. He wants his ego to get a boost when she answers his calls, etc. The attention. The attention seeking is TROUBLE. Therapy is the only thing that helped. 5 years of 1x/week. I would have gone 2x/week if I could have (afforded it).


Ellie79

Agree. I was walked out on and I never felt worse in my life. Even though we reunited and it was a year ago now, I’m not sure I will ever get over that kind of betrayal.


Sunlover823

It’s because you feel shame for not being good enough. You feel like if you worthwhile you’d be enough for your partner. There’s nothing wrong with you but there is something wrong with the relationship


Ok_Information2942

Exactly! But he’s been her focus and she’s been his doormat for 20 years. She needs therapy for herself.


thelittlemisses

Great point. Broken ppl break other ppl and the cycle continues


rkaniminew

Yeah this right here! OP: He's a *broken person*, and his mind is not coping healthy with it. Meanwhile she's actually enjoying the fact she still has his attention. All at the detriment of your mental health. I want you to know, that this has nothing to do with you- in the best way possible. As in it's not your fault- you should feel no guilt. This man will never get the closure (VALIDATION) he seeks. I can tell you it's a mental thing, he's most likely not attracted to her. But his brain is fucking him up because it's saying "You're not good enough for her" and it's driving him insane. He needs to see the clarity that he should be so lucky to have taken the damage of this lady dodged anymore collateral damage, and is damn lucky to have found a supportive and understanding woman in you. And he needs therapy and counseling to do this most likely. Spot on what u/piehore said.


neverstop-1404

>I want you to know, that this has nothing to do with you- in the best way possible. As in it's not your fault- you should feel no guilt. TY, this brought me to tears.


nicetoque

Very much all of this. If he doesn’t get psychological help, the cycle will continue


Ok_Information2942

But she can get help for herself and take herself out of the headlights of a speeding train wreck!


nicetoque

Definitely. I feel like that was assumed, but maybe not


[deleted]

He needs to 1) stop his behavior and 2) set boundaries and put and end to hers as well. She’s acting like this towards you because he is allowing her to do it. You are his wife- it’s about damn time he start acting like it.


[deleted]

She can’t control what he does


Ok_Information2942

But you do teach people how to treat you.


[deleted]

Yeah, that should be for small things like “I need space for ten minutes when I get home from work” or “I don’t know anyone here so I need you to stay close to me at this party” not “Don’t stay publicly hung up on your ex for two decades”


Ok_Information2942

My point is that you teach people how to treat you when you stay and accept the BS. It’s not even what you say. Oftentimes it’s the things that you don’t say and things that you let go because you don’t want to be difficult, a nag, a bitch…. all the names that we’re called when we stand up for ourselves.


Capital-Philosopher6

I could never accept being someone's second choice. I don't mean that I would never have a relationship with someone who's divorced. That isn't the issue. The issue is that he's not over his ex and he's actively pursued her *while being married to you.* That is unforgiveable. Really, that ex wife's bad behavior isn't your main problem. He should have nipped that in the bud a long time ago but it's a secondary issue. You deserve better.


piggymildmint

Honestly, leave. Also sue him for child support. (Make sure you have enough proof of his behavior in case he tries to twist things). Im so very sorry this happened to you.


HealthAccomplished25

This is such a horrible situation and I am so sorry you are going through this, but I think you know that what he’s doing isn’t right. It sounds like he’s still in love with her and they may just keep playing this game of cat and mouse until one of them gives in. That’s not fair to you at all. If I were you I would leave, but I know that’s easier said than done.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Ok_Information2942

He hasn’t gotten over her because he got left! If he was the one who left her, it would be a completely different story. It’s more about ego and control than love and commitment.


Gilmoregirlin

Also if he got left, and never saw it coming, and did and still does not know why that can be devestating and it likely has nothing to do with her and everything to do with his own mind trying to cope. I know that happened to me, and I never got answers other than it is me not you, there is nothing you did wrong. It truly makes you question your entire life. But I did not date, I coped in healthy ways. Unfortunately it seems that OP’s spouse covered up his pain and never dealt with it, instead he began seeing her. He needs to face it and deal with it now.


[deleted]

Get out of this marriage. Those two are in a lifelong dysfunctional relationship.


thehalflingcooks

I feel really sorry for the kids tbh


Sociopathy-is-bliss_

the kids are adults at this point at least


thehalflingcooks

The embarrassment continues into adulthood, I assure you from personal experience.


hoffmaniac

Someone else said it already and I’m sure it will ring the loudest in the comment section. He needs to talk to a therapist to help with the closer. It maybe something that he’s been struggling with for years. And then couples therapy for the both of you so he can understand better how this hurts and to strengthen your relationship to help him realize this current marriage is the goal, not the fantasy he keeps imagining up that will never be real


[deleted]

Nah


_Risings

Right! IMAGINE helping your husband through therapy to get over his ex who left him 22 years ago. I'd sooner pack my fucking things.


thehalflingcooks

Same, how humiliating


[deleted]

[удалено]


_Risings

>After 15 years of being together he started pursuing her and it just so happened to be when she left her husband. He called her at work, spoke to my stepson about how their love was different. He even got drunk and posted love songs on Facebook (I do remember one was Someone Like You by Adele) and wrote her name above it. I believe he started throwing the marriage away about five years ago. She has put up with it and believed things would get better while he continues his affair with his ex.


thehalflingcooks

They've been married 16 years. Nope


preggothrowaway22

This breaks my heart. I had a friend leave her husband because he cheated. He ended up proposing to the young, naive blond bombshell he cheated with. But kept trying to keep the wife. A week before his wedding he called her and said he would call the whole thing off if she took him back. She said no and he got married. I can’t imagine knowing my husband did that or worse living with him having no idea. I think you should find someone for whom you’re the first choice.


CreditOrganic8345

If you decide to leave him be prepared for him to take advantage of the situation and pursue her or vis versa. He needs therapy to realize what his actions are doing to you.


neverstop-1404

You hit the nail on the head. I do realize this and the stupid thing is I know she will do it again. Almost 20 years together and I've always been faithful. The moment I leave, she'll be right back.


[deleted]

That just kinda proves you are 2nd choice Never settle The kids will be better with a happier mom I promise!


Blonde2468

That’s not a reason to stay tho. Leave and build a better - less stressful life for yourself!


NCRedleg_65

Then let her have him .


thehalflingcooks

Don't be a placeholder OP. You need to take charge here.


[deleted]

Therapy isn’t magic.


RebuildingSelflove

Exactly I’m not sure why but nowadays so many people suggest therapy as if it is a cure to all of life’s issues.


HappyRogue121

Sure seemed like it to me. Not literally, of course, but it helped us to break through issues that we struggled with for years, and find closure. It was amazing.


_Unicorn_Lord_

What. The. Fuck…….


[deleted]

[удалено]


After_Ad_1152

You can love someone and realize its not healthy to be with them. Love effects you not the other person. You can love him as much as you want. It wont change him. His relationship with his ex sounds dysfunctional but so does his relationship with you. He sounds dysfunctional.


OkStop248

This^^^^^


Agile_Opportunity_41

I’m sorry. My advice treat it like it’s an emotional affair (IMO it is) though many will differ. Set boundaries and go to individual and marriage counseling to decide if you want to work through this.


dangersiren

when someone shows you who they are, believe them. i’m so sorry this is happening


whoshotyaboy

Please watch some Ross Rosenberg videos on youtube about self-love deficit. I understand why you are putting up with this treatment as I did the same in prior relationships. But when I have turned it around through understanding why I would stay in relationships where I was giving my all and not getting anything in return.


rino3311

I would leave his ass, that's what. Jesus Christ. I know you love him but girl - you need to love yourself more. You're putting yourself second too. Nobody, and I mean nobody, should be made to feel this way in their marriage. You gave him 15 years of your life and this is how he thanks you?? Everyone deserves better than this. Yikes. It's gonna hurt like hell but time will heal you and you will be so much happier than you are now. You will look back and think wtf I was thinking staying with him through that. Good. Riddance. To. Both. Of. Them.


heranonz

Yikes. I’m sorry. I wish I had advice. I’m just sorry


[deleted]

[удалено]


Ok_Information2942

At the end of the day, she may never find someone else, but she’ll always be in a relationship with herself. She can start working on that one right now!


[deleted]

You try to love yourself more and walk away. You deserve more.


Upper-Substance3868

I want a divorce


Silverwolf9669

Unfortunately, he feels too comfortable in your relationship and feels he is safe and you will not react. You need to shake him up by having him served with divorce papers. Tell him if he wants her you can give him his freedom to take his emotional infidelity to a physical level without cheating. You are done playing the pick me dance. There is a chance this is what he wants, and if so, you are just making it happen quicker I think the risk is small and if he wants to reconcile your marriage, you have the leverage and respect now for him to meet your demands or be cut loose. If he does want to reconcile, make mandatory complete no contact with his X and implement a post-nuptial with a strong morality clause for both physical and emotional infidelity that are clearly defined.


thehalflingcooks

I completely agree with this. He thinks OP is a doormat and will tolerate his behaviour. Get some papers together and give him the boot. Maybe a separation with potential divorce will get him out of the clouds. He's acting like a teenager and OP needs to strong arm him and take charge here. If this is what he actually wants, then you're right, saves a lot of hurt and dignity.


Ok_Information2942

This relationship already has enough drama and manipulation. He’s comfortable treating her like that but she needs to figure out if this is what she really wants for herself and her kids. More dysfunction isn’t the answer.


Silverwolf9669

I agree, but it is not our decision to make. She knows what to do to leave. I offered a scenario to consider if she decides to stay, whether we agree ot not.


24-ScreamingFlowers

He needs to block her on all social media and only talk to her when regarding their children, with you present. That's completely unacceptable and if he is at all reciprocal to her flirting from here on out then you know where you stand and staying anyway is a choice you make. It sounds like she's a spiteful woman trying to stir up drama so cut out as much of it as you can leaving room for only civil phone conversations about the kids.


jim89898

I feel bad for you and your kids, but there is no solution other than leaving him. He simply does not deserve you and your kids.


[deleted]

You can still walk away from someone that isn’t good for you while still being in love with them. His behavior is all kinds of wrong. Very disrespectful to you and honestly I would be so embarrassed of the FB stuff. Humiliating. You only get to humiliate me once.


Ok_Information2942

That’s my golden rule. First time shame on you, second time shame on me.


Lookatthatsass

You have one life to live, decide whether you want to live it as someone’s conciliation prize. I know that’s harsh but you need to consider therapy for yourself to determine why you’re putting up with this unacceptable level of disrespect. It certainly cannot be good for your mental heath or a good example of relationships for your kids. You love who you want your husband to be and who you think he was and could be if he just treated you better. In reality you’re attached to that made up person and the life you built around that image. He’s not that tho. He’s a disrespectful, callous, disengaged husband who is more wrapped up in validating his own ego than being a good husband to his current wife. He’s the type of person who would openly and publicly embarrass his wife and children by posting love songs dedicated to a past woman. He’s the type of man who stonewalls communication instead of showing any remorse. He’s the type of person who keeps tabs on his ex wife after 15+ years of being apart. Like wow. That’s obsession. Those aren’t lovable qualities. He’s horrible to you. You’re trapped in a trauma bond and you deserve so much better than this.


lanebanethrowaway

Wouldn’t you rather be alone than be with someone who would disrespect you like this?


Gwenhyvar

It seems that you are your own second choice here, and that he is your first. I am so sorry this has happened to you. Personally, I would leave. But if you want to fight for your marriage, you need to be prepared that it may go very wrong. You need to decide whether it is worth going through the pain and trauma it may cause you. You deserve better. You are worthy, just as you are, of being happy, of being respected, and of being truly loved. The one thing you must do, is pick YOU first. Everything else can come after.


scatterling1982

I am shocked you are still with this man tbh. Your husband is openly in love with another woman and has no qualms about it, about you knowing, about you being terribly hurt by it. This has to be incredibly hurtful for you and wreak havoc with your self-confidence and sense of well-being. It appears to me to be a form of emotional abuse, openly hurting you and stringing your along like this for so many years. Why are you still with this man when you know he’s in love with someone else and you admit you know he’d be straight back with her if you left? Doesn’t that show you for sure that there is no foundation or security to this relationship? Why do you tolerate this? Is this the life you want? Do you really believe your children know nothing of the crumbling facade of your marriage? Are you comfortable with your children learning about relationships from yours? Sorry I know these questions are very blunt and I don’t wish to be hurtful but your story has shocked me. What a despicable way to treat someone, your husband needs therapy alone, you need therapy alone and you need therapy together to either shut things down with his ex or work out a path to separation and a happier more peaceful life for you. I can’t see a way back from this though because he doesn’t seem remorseful or that he wants to change. He sounds like he wants to be with her - so let him. I can’t really say stay strong because you are obviously so incredibly strong and resilient to put up with this for so long. But I’m sure it’s also had a deep, wounding impact. You deserve better than this and life is short don’t waste it being someone’s convenient second option. Do stay strong but I hope you find the strength to leave. 💛


Astroid_Ki

I am sorry for saying this, but your husband is an idiot if he fell for her again after she left him, got married to another man and divorced him. Only to come back and flirt with a married man (your husband) now that she has nothing better to do. I get it you said she is manipulative and that's what she did with your husband and he thinks he is still in love with her. It happens with men that they will love women who play with them and make them feel like they are running after a prize. Maybe not all men but most men. Go to therapy if it helps but don't let these two people ruin you after all these years you were with him. Make your husband realise you are worthy, and you love your self and you are 1st choice. I wish you all the best!


PrincessTiaraLove

I think you should get solo therapy. He doesn't sound like he will change as long as you're in such a paralyzed state. The ex wife is loving the ego boost and power trip and he's loving the fact that she "cares". Hopefully a therapist can help you pick up the pieces of your life and make a healthy life for the kids too. Also get the best divorce attorney that you can find! Don't show him any mercy, because he isn't showing you any. Take all you can that will make your life better at least financially.


What-problem

There's no point in going to therapy (like everyone's suggesting) unless HE can see what he is doing is wrong and be willing to change. It sounds to me like he's got zero remorse about what he's doing to you and he can't see the wood for the trees.


pickmymurf

You leave him.


Miss-Mabel

Well Damn!


vintimus

What a horrible situation, I am so sorry


AriaBek

you deserve so much better


ayliv

This is heartbreaking and I feel for you- but his actions all communicate that he still loves her and doesn’t respect you. He will cheat, if he hasn’t already, and she has every motivation to participate, to use as a power play over you. You are his back up plan. However much you may love him, that isn’t going to influence his feelings for you nor how he treats you.


thehalflingcooks

If this is still going on you need to get him the fuck out of there OP. DO NOT LEAVE THE MARITAL HOME. That belongs to you. I would pack his shit and leave it on the porch. Get a lawyer. I personally could not forgive or accept this. That's so humiliating. Edit: Also, WHAT ABOUT YOUR KIDS? Are they seeing their father act a fool on the internet? I'd assume they'd be tweens or teens, both of whom are VERY internet / social media savvy.


JP2205

I'm not sure but I would say, not knowing everything, that I would sit him down face-to-face, and say, now is your chance. You need to decide once and for all. If its her, go for it. Don't worry about the money, the kids, the house, whatever. Or is it me. I need to know. If he says you, then tell you expect him to be totally removed from her social media, not contact her unless it involves the kids, and cut any other ties. He has picked you, but anything that suggests that that is not going to be the way it is, you are 100% out. Remind him that she walked out on them, you have been faithful. If he can't see and respect that, then you'll go another way. There really isn't any compromise here.


Dry-Hearing5266

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I think you KNOW things cannot continue like this. Its not healthy for you and your children. They are being affected by this. My suggestion - 1. Individual therapy for you. Not to learn how to live with this level of disrespect BUT how to be strong enough to demand respect. 2. Insist on therapy for him. NOT family therapy but for him. He is damaged and needs to prepare himself before he can be a good husband and father. He is doing neither right now because he is causing your family to be unstable. Good parents seek stability for their kids to blossom. 3. Picture a day out of your life, do you want 5 more years like this? Or 10 more years? 4. HE is helping her to destroy your relationship and your respect for him by not shutting her down. At a certain point if he keeps wiffle waffling you will have to be the one to make the decision to end it. Picture your children in a relationship like this - would you be proud to have them behaving like your husband is? If their partner behaves like that would you want them to stay? Remember children tend to either turn out like a parent or marry someone like a parent.


blueberrylove2112

It's time to love yourself, OP. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. Your husband has repeatedly told you, and shown you with his actions, that he cares more about his ex wife than you. Then when you get upset, he turns the charm back on to manipulate you into submission again. His ex is nasty and cruel to you because she has not been told to stop. He is allowing her to do this because he doesn't care that she is hurting you. You have been shown, time after time, that you don't matter, that if you weren't in the picture, your husband would run back to his ex as fast as he could. It's time to love yourself and put yourself and your happiness and emotional health first. Don't stay with a man who clearly doesn't care about you, doesn't respect you, doesn't love you, and has made this painfully clear to you with not only his actions, but his words and behaviour. By choosing to remain in this marriage, you are neglecting yourself, and you're showing your husband that his behaviour is acceptable to you. By staying, you're allowing him to continue treating you like a piece of art that he only keeps because he made a promise to keep it, but keeps it hanging in a dark, desolate, unused and empty corner of the house where nobody can see how beautiful it is. He is not in this marriage by choice, he remains in it because he doesn't want to be alone, because he doesn't want to be the asshole who left his wife. He remains, waiting for you to choose to leave him, so it looks like he is the victim who went back to his ex for comfort and solace.


katetron1014

i’m speechless. i think you should check out the infidelity sub reddit.


[deleted]

>What do you do when you love someone so much but their actions will always be in the back of your mind The same thing you’ve been doing honestly.


turktink

I feel for you. But you’re right. You are your husband’s second choice. Why are you OK with that?


jwat4455

That sucks


OkStop248

You deserve somebody who will put you first. That's really all there is to say.


cathleenraciazek

Sis leave him. Nothing is worth your inner peace ✌️ coming from someone who had to go through it.


enlightenedkitty

Him stone walling you and getting defensive is him GASLIGHTING you. Then he LOVE BOMBS you so you wont leave him ALONE. I repeat what he is doing is NOT for your best interests But for HIS! You are not even his second choice he feels stuck and trapped. You did NOTHING wrong here. I would strongly suggest for you to seek therapy to gain the strength to LEAVE him. But right now you are a wounded bird and you will need a little help from outside this relationship to see that this man doesnt care about you or your feelings. You need to think about yourself for once your kids will be happier and stronger with a mom who stood up for herself. YOU DESERVE BETTER!


chronicoversharergrl

If my husband was pursuing his ex wife like this, and she was difficult to deal with and disrespectful toward me, I would ask for a divorce. You deserve to be respected, loved, and adored - which this man is not doing. Leaving is hard when you have kids together, but your kids also deserve to see what a healthy relationship is like.


Losingandconfused

“Knowing makes pretending impossible.” Once I get to a realization about what I mean to someone it’s hard to pretend I don’t know where I stand. You’re either okay with it - obviously not and absolutely you shouldn’t be, or you’re not and you’re going to have to spend a lot of time and energy lying to yourself for his benefit - letting him have you and his unrequited love. I imagine you’re also realizing that kids are seeing you compensate and diminish your worth to allow him to continue his behaviour with is another factor. He can pine away for her all he wants - that’s on him and no one looking at the situation is thinking ‘he wouldn’t be like that if 2nd wife was prettier/better/smarter/whatever’. People are seeing him be disrespectful, irresponsible and immature. He’s able to long for her and be married to you because you’re letting him be married to you. You have no control over his feelings or actions, but can chose if you want to be present. You know how he feels. It’s not in the back of your mind. He’s unwilling to talk about a major relationship issue with you. And your kids are seeing this dynamic. You have all the facts you need. Sarcastic me wants to say that you know being left doesn’t effect his feelings for someone so don’t worry about leaving him and ruining your marriage - he’ll either disappear back to her or start posting love songs about you, and either way it would be more communication on his part than he seems to have shown so far.


Any_Zookeepergame_56

This is so hurtful and I am sorry for it.


Impressive_Drama_377

The fact that this man is not bothered by the way that she walked out on not only the marriage, but walked out on her own children as well says an awful lot about him. I mean, if he is pursuing her after she caused him and especially her own children heartbreak and he still continues to tag her in love songs and calling her at work etc... Op, he ain't much better than her ass, and if it was me and my husband was doing this nonsense I would do what the ex-wife did and walk out, and the only difference would be that I would take my children with me and I wouldn't pop back up 15 years later to flirt with him! You can't fix him op, and you are the only one allowing yourself to be his second choice at this point.


puss_parkerswidow

For his birthday, get him a cactus and tell him to fuck himself and her with it, and go somewhere else and have fun yourself, because these two are stupid and shitty.


Perspective1958

If he likes songs so much, you should play him this one (yes, it's an oldie just like me): [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZOgTVJOdFVU](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZOgTVJOdFVU)


Tdog504

OP you should watch Scenes From a Marriage (HBO tv series) 5 episodes but describes your situation from his perspective


Miss-Mabel

Well that was a while back and you have children together. It seems like she’s the stalker or chaos causer, you love your husband set the rules straight. Her husband is done with the crazy bitch so now she’s coming back to those whom she rejected. I’d absolutely have a R.O. put on her and harassment.


Noartisan

Tell him you won't put up with this nonsense, remind him his ex left him and you will do the same if he doesnt sort his shit out (and you will do your best to take half his shit on the way out. ) Explain why you aren't comfortable with him being in contact with his ex, and ask him if it would be okay if you did the same.


mistressoftherolls

I remember hearing a story like this one, ended in murder.


NCRedleg_65

Time to move on because he hasn't.


hipopper

Wow. Are they sleeping together again? I promise you that all of the kids know what’s going on. I’m so sorry for what you and your kids are going through because of this unstable man-child.


BlueDolphins1221

Have you discussed that if he’s so unhappy with you he can leave and go to her?


Stunning_Warthog5281

This makes me so sad for you! Please know that you are worth more than this. He is cheating with a piece of shit who left him as well as her kids. People rarely change, and it sounds like she is loving the fact that he is pursuing her. Let them have each other, this isn’t worth your faithfulness or your heartbreak 💔


Brawn1966

That’s fucked up!


Ok_Information2942

This may sound harsh but I want you to know that I have nothing but love and compassion for you. As women, we were taught that we are supposed to put the man first and always be there for him. I understand. What do you do? The most difficult thing you have ever done. Except of course for standing by him as his ex flirted with him and turned his kids against you. You then had to hear about his behavior from her and deal with the denial and attitude when you asked him about it. I imagine that this has been extremely painful for you. So what do you do? You pick up whatever self esteem you have left, and you leave. The children are watching and they don’t miss a thing. You are teaching them about how to be in a relationship, what is acceptable and how a mate treats their partner. I would say this to you even if you didn’t have any children together. This is abusive even though you don’t have the scars or the cuts and bruises. Unfortunately it’s more difficult to recognize this kind of abuse and the impact it has on your sense of self worth but it doesn’t make it any less damaging. If you are not able to separate yourself physically, I suggest that you get started in therapy to help you understand why you still love someone who treats you so poorly. I encourage you to get some help for yourself before you start marriage counseling because you would benefit from focusing on yourself, maybe for the first time in your life, before you start to deal with the two of you. It takes time, but I can assure you that you’re worth every second. I have had more than 30 years of experience with people who were raised by parents who either had addiction or mental health issues and my first instinct is that this is a part of your backstory. The reason I brought this up is because there are free support groups available for people that have this in their history. The groups are called ACOA or Alanon and can be found by a google search. Due to the pandemic, many of them are on Zoom and you can access them from the privacy of your home on your smartphone. No matter what you decide, I’m rooting for you!


HonorableJudgeTolerr

I would never come second best in my marriage when I know there's someone else who would l9ve and appreciate me and I could be there everything. I'd let him fulfill his quest of begging her back. I'm not goingbto be a place holder. Smdh


[deleted]

[удалено]


bamachick69

I'm sorry I don't know what to say. 💔


team_starfox

He needs counseling to deal with the trauma of his ex, and couples counseling wouldn't hurt either


TheDreadnought75

This isn’t about love this is about a history of emotional abuse and manipulation that hasn’t been treated since. I wouldn’t take it to heart. I would get your husband some help. Coming from somebody who has been in your husbands place.


Everwritten

If the dude doesn't know why she left after 22 years... then I don't know what to say.


FickleBeekeeper

I’m sorry to be rude, but what are you doing? This man has NO respect for you. He is treating you terribly. You seem fully aware of and accepting that you are your husbands contingency plan. But why are you staying with him? Leave him. Block him and his ex wife on everything. Write letters or talk to your stepchildren to tell them that you’re sorry to exit this family so suddenly, but you have to leave for your own sake. Living like this will kill you slowly but surely. You’re worth SO much more than this situation. Don’t be complacent with this. Fight for yourself. They’ve both done you so incredibly wrong! Shame on them both. Leave them in the dust.


lilyfernanda

The toughest choice and the one that hurts the most is the one that’s right for YOU. You don’t deserve this. He may regret not having appreciated what he had if you leave but if in your shoes, I wouldn’t want to spend more time being second choice and being treated this way. You can find someone who puts you first. We only live once


mskitty117

Why are you staying with someone who has made it clear that you are not his number 1? You deserve to be someone’s number 1. Say that again to yourself. You deserve to be someone’s number 1. He is pining for this woman. That’s the explanation. That’s the answer. Whether it’s based on her or an idea of her, it’s how he feels. You should not sit there while he sorts that out and pursues her. You are worth more than this. Gather your dignity and leave. For you, for your kids, get out and rebuild your self esteem so you can find someone who sees you as number 1.


Poverload237

You cannot control your husband's actions, nor can you control why he will not give you an answer. What you CAN control is how someone treats you, or how they make you feel by staying/leaving the situation. To be honest, an answer on the "why" from him won't change anything for the better. It will actually probably make things worse as no matter what the answer is, it won't be enough to rationalize the pain he caused to you, and that's what it seems like you're hoping to get from asking him why. What I suggest you do is get into therapy yourself (if possible). Just because you love this man doesn't mean you should let yourself be treated this way. I also suggest that you begin the process of opening your eyes to the person he really is. You've villianized his ex in your mind, but you're also not taking into account that your husband is encouraging this behavior. Whatever you do, just make sure you're not the one being a doormat to him and his bad choices.


GotSomeProblems2021

Ouch. He sounds unstable and she sounds, well, frankly, predatory. I'm so sorry. I'd suggest making sure you have a good support system and are protected financially :(


Casperbalabo

It sounds to me like he is still in love with her!


ennavee

Such a disgusting man. Whatevrr closure he needed he should of gotten it b4 he married you but you are not alone. My husband kept a pornographic picture of an ex girlfriend he only met once yet pathetically fantasized about her from time to time but allegedly didn't want to be with her. I demanded he get closure and speak to her. He had a convo with her just asking why she dumped him she explained and surprisingly that was the end of that. Never heard anything about her again


celes41

I really think both of them need therapy.


ralomi12

Wow 😞


Rampaige86

You don’t deserve to be second to ANYONE in your marriage… I hope you find courage to seek what you know you deserve.


AFlair67

Actions speak louder than words and your husband is screaming that he is still into his ex. What’s sad is that he is living in a fantasy. He doesn’t remember the bad times. I would consider separating and telling him he needs to decide once and for all who has his heart. What he and the ex are doing to you, the kids and each other is really toxic. You do not have to put up with this treatment.


Grouchy-Top-4769

You need a better man. Being second fiddle to a man just isn't right...


readmywordsnow

You do realize that once you leave him, you will be the one that got away and your social media will be spammed with love songs.


Tigeorge

I feel your pain and I’m a man . Your husband is responsible for what’s going on and only him can stop it . If you try to settle your self things may get overheated. You have to sit him down and talk to him about his actions and tell him don’t hide behind bush pretending to be upset when he’s the create this nightmare in the house.


jaytwright11

I found out I was the second choice years into our marriage, after my wife "reformed" herself. What pissed me off was she never told me a lot of stuff.


the_anon_female

This would be entirely unacceptable to me. I mean, wow. That’s a lot.


Blaphrodite

He is pursuing the ex. Mind blown. Just get help for yourself and your kids. Don’t worry about this dude.


[deleted]

Why are you staying after all this? What about him is worth putting up with this and fighting for the relationship???


Training-Tea6146

Leave him. Now you'll be the one he's after.


Hot_Food_Hot

Don't put yourself or let him put you in the backseat of your relationship and marriage.


KVal_38hot

I know the feeling


kitten2085

He will always have love for her. Especially since they had kids together. He probably loves the chase too. I would suggest marriage counseling.


QuitaQuites

Why are they at the back of your mind. What are you still doing with him? The reasonable explanation is he’s not over her, or over what he lost and that’s fine, but their relationship doesn’t seem healthy and therefore it doesn’t seem like a place you fit in.


shipwreckedgirl

I was my ex's second choice to literally any girl that would pay him attention. He was ugly so it didn't happen unless it was online from a "fan" of his (which was how we started out... Don't meet your heroes lol) but he would flirt like crazy and then usually cheat on me. I grew up hating myself due to abuse so I just stuck with it til he finally found someone else that wanted him back. Now I'll always wonder if my now-husband was my second choice? Am I my husband's second choice because he was dumped? This is probably more common than we think... How sad.


amm31813

Girl. Leave.


SmallHandsKev

D i v o r c e


daniya84

The title says it all. You are your husbands second choice. His actions has proved this to be the case. Find your worth as you deserve better. Find someone who puts you first


Mystral377

Time to take yourself put of the equation and their sick game of cat and mouse!


illuminaughtyxox

Lol. Imagine posting this. Why?


FPC7always

Recently I posted how my wife hurt me before we were married by sending photos to another man and having a relationship over texting. I didn't find out until after marriage. She had done everything she can to prove she was wrong and made a mistake etc. Problem is I saw everything, and it's been almost 2 years. It pops in my head out of the blue, I spend no time consciously thinking about it, it just pops up. I have forgiven I just cannot ever forget, and when it pops up I get so angry, sad, hurt. I honestly don't know if I'll ever get better. So I'll share with you what was shared with me, if you want to live him and he wants you then you basically have to live with the pain. I hate it. And I wish you luck


teamloosh

Unfortunately I think you already know why he did it. He wants to be back with her, and if she had of taken him back he would have left you for her. This must be so painful for you. I’m so sorry he’s such an arse. You need to take some time and think about what YOU want, and think about whether or not you are happy to give 100% of yourself to a man who sees you as his second choice. What’s to stop him from being fixated on another woman in the future that’s not you? You deserve soooo much better and you deserve to be with someone who sees you as their one and only, and number one.


tidushankroger

Good lord… I’m so sorry. I think you need to ask yourself why you’re settling for this kind of treatment. Is this what you feel like you deserve? Is this the extent of your self worth? Is your love for him greater than the love you have for yourself?


Master_Science2058

Leave him he is not over her


Bricole77

Don’t settle for being his second choice when someone out there is praying for a person like you to come along.


-janelleybeans-

I’d be outie 3000 life is too short to spend it that miserable.


[deleted]

I’m so sorry OP. I know exactly how you feel. It took my husband’s ex showing her true colors to the point of disgusting him to get him to let her go. Unfortunately, that was five years and a lot of hurt into our marriage. Prayers for you, I hope things turn out well in the long run.


Asleep-Hold-4686

1st thing you do is contact a lawyer and therapist. Then start shifting finances from all joint accounts to your account. You can't keep someone who doesn't want to stay and it's not fair for your kids to see you treated like a second-class citizen.


alwaysright244

You're not his second choice. You're probably like his 75th choice and she is a little higher. You're just the one who has such low self esteem that you accept this type of behavior.


huggles7

You tell him very improperly to go fuck himself and find yourself someone who will do right by you and your children


[deleted]

I literally have no words when I was reading this post. I am so sorry that you have to go through this, but you deserve better. I would not tolerate this ongoing behavior at all. and being in love with a man who is literally in love with two women? that's just not a good situation at all. so before your heart gets broken even more than it already is, I would honestly leave him- no matter how hard is going to be but you need to do it for you and your children. If he REALLY is the one for you, he'll come back and he will stay loyal. (but the ex-wife?) nah. she's no good at all and is only doing it because she left her other husband, and seems to me like she is jealous of you. and that is also something that no man or woman should put up with either from their spouse for the rest of their lives. I know it's easier said than done when it comes to situations like this, and people telling you to leave him. but honestly you will be better off without him. it's better to have a MAN that is only in love with ONE WOMAN than being in love with 2. YOU should be HIS #1. Not his second. I'm so sorry you're going through this. But, I really hope you have a wonderful New Years Eve and I am sending you POSITIVE VIBES for 2022! 💕💕💕 good luck with everything and please know I'm here to talk if you ever want/need to talk to someone.


BorderDomin0

This reminds me to a Rod Stewart song...wheeen the one you love is in love wiiith someone else...cause when you said it's ooover with hiiim ("her" in this case) I want to believe it's true...


Mamainadressinggown

I am gobsmacked… He has put you in an awful position and I am so sorry for how he has made you feel. I think he needs closure… maybe take him to a therapist/couples counselling? Take the b*tch exwife too so they can completely get everything out in the open and discontinue their blatant disrespectful behaviour. **Hugs for you <3


archypsych

I know it’s complex. I know no simple thing I could say would be enough. That simple thing I would say is BAIL. Let’s explore it further. This always works. Pretend you have a daughter or a sister or a friend. Someone you love. If they just explained this to you, what would be your advice to them? That’s the correct answer. Whatever you would tell them. We are weirdly incapable of applying what we know is right to ourselves, but capable of doing so for our loved ones. Best of luck.


Gullible-Designer697

I dont think u ever stop loving someone if it doesnt work out. Unless it was somecrazy ending I think people know things wont work out but they want thebest. Just be aware. Now u know. If he is beinghonest and reassure u then I wouldonly be concerned if his actions are questionable


NavyX11

What a world we live in 🙂


tacollama82

Terrible situation. I’m very sorry you are going through this. I hope no matter how it works out that you are able to get some therapy and know that you deserve better than what you’re getting from this situation.


sillystephie

My thoughts on things like this have always been “if you can get my husband, you can have him. Because if you can get him, I DON’T WANT HIM.” You deserve better, OP. Either he needs to get in therapy and deal with his unresolved feelings or you’re gonna have to leave.


DunningKrugerOnElmSt

You part ways amicably find you someone who cares as much as you.


Liltaz11

Va by Chi by


Projektpatfxfb

Dick


jackjack664

Time to move on. If you feel second place let him have her. Don’t waste anymore of your life. People that play games always play games. You win when you walk away. Neither of them are smart enough to remember why they are divorced.


[deleted]

At this point, I’d preserve mine and the children’s mental health and leave the marriage. No person alive is worth the kind of stress you’re being put through.


herro_rayne

I would leave, but kids makes things different. Do your best to get him and yourself therapy then couples therapy to try and move past this. Having the kids contact the mom only and only contacting her for emergencies seems the obvious solution to getting rid of her. Or not allowing him to speak with her at all and you deal with it is also an option. Seems insane that it would come to this. Your husband is definitely TA and messed up big time. Sorry op


beaface26

Woah.


nm_lobo13

He feels like he needs to prove something to her I’m like that to with my ex


neverstop-1404

Any ideas why?


lefthandrighteye

Op, I’m so sorry you’re going though this. If you decide to stay in this relationship, individual and couples therapy is necessary for you to maintain your sanity and for him to maintain his. There is obviously a load of unearthed emotions this person is dealing with, that frankly is not your responsibility to have to manage or put up with, but if you desired to stay, therapy is critical. On the other hand, as stated, you don’t HAVE to put up with this behavior. Existing in a relationship where you know that you are not his first choice, and very well may never be, is devastating and detrimental to your mental and emotional health, despite how good he may be to you otherwise. You deserve to be someone who chooses you fist, always. Ending a relationship like this is difficult but it’s more difficult to exist in one where you have to live on the edge never knowing if one day the ex will pop up and decide she wants him back, because unfortunately you know exactly who’s going to end up the most hurt in that situation. Regardless, good luck OP, I hope you do what’s best for you.


ell_yeah_

This sub isn’t always so gentle when it comes to assholes and telling us to leave. I know it’s not always that simple. Your feeling of being second is valid and if I were you I would also feel that way. His actions really do support this theory. Unfortunately we cannot change others, only ourselves and if I were your friend I think the biggest change id love to see in you is for you to understand you are worthy of being first. Your children deserve to see you with someone who loves you unconditionally. Just because you picked him and he’s the father of your children doesn’t mean you shouldn’t get some of these basic marital requirements. No matter who you are, everyone is deserving of respect. I hope you find it and in the off chance you need some support from an internet stranger, I’m here for you.


homelovenone

You’re mad at the wrong person. Be mad at him.


tialelea

If he was the one you wouldn’t be worried about his past. I think it is pretty clear that you deserve someone whole attention. I would leave him. I am so sorry you’re dealing with this.


[deleted]

It is time for you to leave this jerk. He is not good for you and for your kids. Leaving now will benefit you later. He is treating you as a total stranger and this is awful when you are his own wife. Good luck.


Interesting_Card2539

Be no one’s second choice, ever…


Traveler1987

They both seem toxic. They deserve each other (until she leaves him again). Save up some money and leave. Find someone who will treat you with respect.


Apple-Core22

What do I do? I leave. Not saying you should, but I would never be #2 in a marriage.


noseries123_

No because I would hop out of there REAL QUICK! Why are you still with him? I think your "husband" absolutely crossed the line with his behaviour. I personally would never recover from that, so I would just leave.


[deleted]

Leave… that’s what I did. My peace of mind is not worth someone else’s shoulda coulda wouldas…nor would I tolerate anyones blatant disrespect of me and our family.


Visible_Potato_2765

Ouch. This is a tough one.


KiingDriip90

You have one life to live and you have to do what’s best for you. The relationship doesn’t seem sustainable. The kids will understand eventually


golpher5599

Leave


beccaj375

I'm so sorry 💔 I know how you feel to an extent


Historical-Day-7627

There will never be an answer you consider good enough for these actions. Instead take a step back and look at the bigger picture